Isabelle & David welcome Isabelle’s husband, Bobby, and their friends, Christina, AJ, and Gabe, to continue to listen and learn from David’s tried and tested presentation on ADHD, which he normally gives to fellow clinicians (for the 1st-4th parts of this talk, please see episode 4, All About ADHD Part I; episode 6, All About ADHD Part II; episode 9, All About ADHD Part III; episode 12, All About ADHD Part IV). Gabe wonders at how structure can be a win, and Isabelle gives an example of how instead of ruminating in the middle of the early morning, she came up with a structure that helps her get back to sleep (borrowed from Fred Rogers, thinking warmly of people she has met in life). AJ asks what a neurotypical partner can do when their partner with ADHD is struggling with a transition, and David answers: leave. He points out that anything that reduces a person’s dependency on their neurotypical partner and helps them not additionally feel embarrassed or shamed could be a wonderful intervention (such as eating cantaloupe calmly while waiting in the airport). Don’t ask the person who’s running around trying to find their coat to grab three more things in the house, they are likely to grab four things and none of them being what you asked for. When you depend on a relationship for your structure it generates aggression (e.g. “You always help me, where were you?!”) Like missing the sun when it doesn’t come up: you would freak out when the thing you need to get a task done is not there. AJ and Christina finish up their almost missing the plane story with the fact they actually did make it on the plane, and Christina was eating cantaloupe in the lounge waiting for AJ. David shows old data from 1998-2000, which applies to the childhood of adults with ADHD now. ADHD is one of the most high risk populations you can work with therapeutically—this often gets overlooked. Only 10% of people with ADHD will attend a college or university, less than 2% will complete their studies (and of these, 2.5% will go on to get their Masters degree or any higher education); 40% finish high school on time; 50% will abuse substances; 30% are in prison; 30% own their own business. The probability of you succeeding with ADHD in the 90’s was abysmally low, so if you did it, maybe go and buy a lottery ticket because you are that lucky! Then it’s time for Q and A. Gabe wonders about outsourcing what you’re not good at—but then you said that you don’t want to build dependency into an accommodation? David explains that it’s the difference between agency and control. You can control a situation but you can’t control another person’s agency—like you can control who comes to the party, but not how they act once they’re there. If you need someone’s help, you can’t control how they offer it or when. For example: I need help now! The answer: okay…why? You are starting to dictate how or when someone does something, you’re building dependency. Isabelle wonders if it’s about how you ask, in the heat of the moment v. planning ahead: and David points out it’s about having lots of sources to outsource to and lean on, your partner gets to pick what they help with. Knowing who would be a good lab partner or source of support, for example, becomes a good skill that folx with ADHD have, that they don’t recognize as a skill, being able to make diverse friends and allies quickly. An awareness of this skill helps demystify why it works sometimes and places and not in other times or places. Gabe asks: what are the actionable steps from getting all of this information? David notes that this will be covered in the next part of the lecture series, and that it’s actually important to get information first: the most important thing to realize is that there isn’t a lot to fix, there’s a lot to repair. Feeling better about who you are and that you’re not too much. And yes, the lecture series will continue with more actionable steps, too!

Here is that study on shocks being more painful if you think you were shocked intentionally

When building accommodations: take dependency on others out of the equation, because dependency builds aggression when the person you depend on is removed. (A quick note here on dependency in child and caregiver interactions: kids do and should depend on their parents or caregivers. And when they can't have consistency, get surprised or feel let down, our understanding of dependency helps us understand their rage and frustration. We’re going to spend more time on this in future episodes, but for now, one idea for outsourcing that still respects a child’s dependency on their caregivers is having your child use an alarm to wake up and having a visual timer they can use to help them have agency around time, instead of you being the clock and waking up your child (with no alarm)).

For lecture slides, full show notes, and more, check out our website!

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Cover Art by: Sol Vázquez

Technical Support by: Bobby Richards