Tiffany wants all women to have beautiful sex lives, which is why she loves to talk about sex.

So much of what we’re told is either black or white in church isn’t really black or white.  One of the harmful things about the way the Church has approached sexuality is that it is approached as black or white.  

Tiffany talks about a book called, “Out of Sorts” by Sarah Bessey.  It explains that kids need “black and white.”  A lot of people never leave the stage of blind acceptance, though.  The black and white answers feel safe, but they are only meant to be a ‘beginning.’  We need to be questioning the “why” behind the black and white answers.

She grew up in the church because her father was the youth pastor at the church.  Her childhood was very sheltered and conservative.  She was homeschooled.  She never talked about sex and didn’t even know basic body anatomy.  Even the word “vagina” was foreign to her.  She grew up afraid of everything, especially relationships between her and the boys she was interested in.  

In college, she had a boyfriend.  When he put his arm around her, she knew that it felt good, but she felt incredible guilt and shame around how she felt.  She felt like in order to keep his attention on her and off of pornography, she needed to keep going further and further physically.  Still, they never had sex but the guilt and shame kept growing.  She felt like there was a wall between her and God.  Eventually, her dad broke up the relationship because she was honest about how physical their relationship had gotten with him.  

The next few years, she struggled with hating her body and with relationships.  She wanted to be in a relationship, but all of her past struggles with relationships made it extremely difficult.  Eventually, she developed a mentorship with her pastor and his wife and started to share her thoughts and feelings with them, which started her healing journey.  She then ended up dating another guy who was really good for her, which was the opposite of her first relationship.  

You can’t have good sex if you aren’t “in your body.”  She still had a lot of baggage around sex.  How are you going to enjoy sex if it’s just “duty sex.”  She didn’t know her body at all and she couldn’t figure it out.  She need to learn how to be present in her own body to be able to enjoy sex and figure out how to have a good orgasm.  

Sex is about being in it together.  It isn’t a dictatorship or one person telling the other how sex should be.  We need to be on the same page as our partners.  Sex is not a duty.  It’s all a mutual compromise.  

Tiffany also mentions a book by Sheila Gregoire - “The Great Sex Rescue.” This book contains research based evidence for breaking down the myths that a lot of Christian women have believed about sex.  She sees nuance in how Christians view sex.  Without context, it is very hard to understand what the Bible has to say about the subject.   

You can get turned on without judgment.  Learn to understand your body and understand what your body is telling you and take the time to understand what works for you as an individual and as a couple.

Resource for listeners: “The Wedding Night Talks - How do you get from nothing to great sex.  Here’s what you need to talk about… “

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