foreign
[Music]
ladies and gents
Guys and Dolls and everyone in between
gather round
something real nice to sip on and comfy
to slip on
cause it's time for smut Club
here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna
So I listened to the episode that
dropped this last week and it might be
the funniest thing I've ever listened to
like to pretty Secrets yes I couldn't
remember which one it was I wasn't gonna
listen to it and then my sister kept
sending me quotes from it and she was
like this is [ __ ] hilarious how does
Chelsea not understand what a [ __ ] is
I'm gay and I get it
I understand what a [ __ ]
to go and listen to it because I didn't
remember what she was still what did I
say because I feel defensive but I
honestly don't even remember what I
think you called it a [ __ ] when one
of the guys went down on her and then
you said everybody got fellatio but
that's
that's about it it was several Wines in
and we all knew what I meant I knew it
wasn't as soon as the word fellatio came
out of my mouth I was like [ __ ] I'm
gonna get crucified for this one but
here we are okay so that said hello
everybody and welcome to smut club I'm
Hannah and I'm Chelsea and I do know
what [ __ ] are
oh gosh what a horrible resume
entirely that I'm business cards
should be your new email sign off
my LinkedIn profile that's that's what
we're moving to oh no
um did I ever tell you about how my
brother-in-law's personal email sign off
had this like little gift GIF whatever
the hell you call them of this like
little like dude like dancing like
bopping down the street and underneath
it it just said Haters Gonna Hate and he
forgot that he was on his personal
account and was sending work emails and
everyone got that and I loved it
that's awesome
um I also was followed this like gen Z
girl on Tick Tock who's like
all of her email sign off she's like
just changing them until my boss notices
I saw that and it was like in darkness
worst regards yeet
even signed different names that weren't
her name
I was like that's amazing she misspelled
her own name oh my God
brilliant oh yeah I've definitely done
that like
or I don't when I'm like typing my name
really fast
um I'll accidentally capitalize the
first two letters
so it's like I mean yelling we'll see
um whoa that's at least how I'm hearing
it when I'm reading it sure and I've
definitely sent emails and they're like
damn it I didn't catch that but also you
were asking me a really asinine question
well if this Jen's ear is to be believed
nobody's going to notice that anyway
you know
but is she to be believed I don't know I
don't know her well enough to speak on
her trustworthiness
well I'm also like girl you you like 22.
how long have you been
in in the industry good point okay all
that said today we are reviewing
ruthless creatures by JT
Geisinger is my guess as to how to
pronounce that g g e i
s s i n g e r so a singer if we're
Geisinger going with the German
pronunciation it would be Geisinger
okay
yeah well in my head I started going
like I before E except after C and then
it's not helpful it really I was like
receive
what you know because it has
I mean I guess it could be
Geisinger Geisinger
sure none of it matters so tell us about
the book okay so this book we have the
Bravo we have dead fiances we have anal
we have is it anal underline with an
exclamation point
no because this time the notes were on
my phone and I didn't hand write my
outline um but when I hand hand outline
yeah it gets Bolder
also I want to outline while drinking
noted yes so we open with Nat Nat is our
main character here things to know about
Nat her fiance disappeared five years
ago the day before their wedding
ouch he went on a hike never to be seen
again I've seen that Dateline
sorry
maybe it's the plot of this book maybe
this book was
maybe Geisinger saw that same Dateline
and it inspired this entire series let's
be honest all of the date lines are like
that so
yeah also it's Dateline one of the ones
that like does like the really hilarious
reenactments no I was gonna say they
take themselves a little more seriously
but those are my favorite when you're
watching like Snapped or like the
Unsolved Mysteries and I was like
are you the actor who got to play that
murderer on Unsolved Mysteries yes yes
okay we opened that her fiance
disappeared five years ago the day
before her wedding
um she is a middle school art teacher
and
she's really never recovered from her
fiance disappearing which you know makes
sense that is a pretty like tragic thing
to have happened
I'd say I get it but I've never
experienced it but
I don't fault her for kind of like
checking out and just like kind of
coasting through life so at the very
start of this book she's been seeing
this dude Chris for like two months he's
a local sheriff
and he like calls to break up with her
and she's just like
yeah okay sounds good and he's like
wait for real
and she's like yeah I actually have a
co-worker that like I think he might
really be into and he's like
wait
you're you're serious right now like
we've been seeing each other for two
months like he likes her and but she's
just like checked out and she's like
yeah no like I like maybe I should set
him up with like whatever her name is
which I thought was like hilarious
um right yeah sweetness she's just like
trying her best at this point
um so after this she goes out with her
best friend Sloane
Sloan is like one of my favorite
characters
um the second book in this series is
actually about Sloan and she's just this
like
badass yoga instructor with a like
genius IQ who always starts her phone
calls with like
a fun fact
like Nat picks up the phone call and
like Sloane is just like did you know
schizophrenia wasn't prominent until
house cats became prominent
or like something like that and you're
like what I also haven't fact checked
that but if it's true
I'd be curious because I think it
related to the fecal matter
in the particles in the fecal matter
so my thought on that yeah
would be that it probably was just as
common as it is now but it wasn't as
diagnosed
Anna that's not as good of a storyline I
don't want to think about my cat poop
making me schizophrenic
well the first thing they told me when I
got pregnant was that I wasn't allowed
to scoop cat poop because of the
particles in the fecal matter
so if my husband ends up getting a late
late on that late onset schizophrenia
diagnosis do we know the cause
my unborn child
oh gosh sorry to put that on you damn it
baby fight
okay so
um Nat and Sloane are going out for for
drinks to catch up
and Sloane is telling Nat about this
like super epically hot dude she saw at
the grocery store earlier
um she said he had epic Scruff she's
like it's more than a five o'clock
shadow but it's not quite a beard he has
epic Scruff later he's described as
looking like Jason Momoa okay I can
track that there are worse looking
people
I've often thought that
I mean I like I don't frequently do side
by side comparisons but yes I I have
frequently thought that
um
so they go out for drinks for the night
or Sloan is wanting not to go out for
drinks at night because
it is um like tomorrow is the actual
five-year anniversary of
um David was the fiance's name of
David's disappearance
um and in California they live in this
like very small town on the north side
of Lake Tahoe in California there's like
4 000 people total but apparently and I
haven't fact-tracked us either but for
the book
um once someone has been missing for
five years they are legally declared
dead
ouch yes so it's like a double whammy
it's the anniversary and like
he did yeah for real for real yes
Sloan gets her to go to the bar and hot
Scruff dude is at the bar what
no one saw this coming I'm floored we
all suck
Sloan hits on him and Sloan is like
hilarious and very confident and has a
great rack and I mean per the book
which is not your personal opinion about
it
I'm like it's not my personal opinion
but I also was like we're reviewing the
book so I don't know why I felt like I
need to keep saying per the book
that's literally what we're talking
about heard the book
she has great titties
and excellent yes and so
um
like a Sloan goes to hit on him at the
bar and he like completely shuts her
down and he's like I'm not interested
she's like oh damn like that does not
happen often
and so Nat then gets up goes to the
bathroom runs into him leaving the
bathroom and he's just like staring into
her soul he like steadies her from
falling and stares at her very intently
it's always the studying from the fall
and the staring yeah
wait no when men have stared at me in
bars intently it's not been nope
yeah I've never had it happen where I'm
like
this is a great sign of the future right
like I'm into that
and let's get to know each other no no
it's been more like where are my friends
we should leave now or has it been that
you are both very very intoxicated and
you stare and make eye contact and just
like start making out
no oh yeah cool that's never been me
either that was all hypothetical
[Music]
um not with a person I've never spoken
to or seen before oh no we stopped
making out and I asked him his name
and then at one point I realized my
glasses weren't on my face and then I
looked over and they were just on a side
table and I was like isn't that
convenient and I just went and grabbed
him and put him back on
um
good job plot twist it's not my husband
so I think his name was Mitch
was a sign and he was wearing white
white denim jeans and I hate myself
we'll see
no it was like over 10 years ago I would
have given you 100 a free pass on all of
that but he was wearing white denim
Chelsea
so concerned about the lack of
self-respect 21 year old Chelsea had she
did not love herself
the way 31 year old Chelsea does
we've made a lot of growth in progress
and I'm proud of 31 year old Chelsea for
this so tell me what happens with epic
Scruff guy
um yeah so not goes back to the bar his
having all of the drinks with Sloan like
it's just like chugging wine at this
point and they order more drinks and hot
Scruff dude just keeps staring at her I
don't like that then the town gossip
Diane pops up
um Diane annoying AF no one likes her
they like want to get rid of her but
yeah like she's just throwing a lot of
like [ __ ] small town gossip energy and
she's like oh well like
like all of this pity towards Nat about
like all that Nat has been through
you're like shut the [ __ ] up you do not
have that relationship with her she just
wants something to be able to talk about
yes yeah and so Diane does tell them
Scruff dude's name is cage with a K of
course it is yeah of course it is
um there we'll we'll get more into that
in the future his name is cage and he is
Natalie's Nat's new next door neighbor
he bought the house
with a
um Briefcase full of cash
not sketchy at all it was also she was
like I didn't think it was for sale and
Diane was like it wasn't and you're like
ominous
more questions than answers
um but like Diane won't leave and so
then like Sloane is like hey actually
Diane could you settle a bet for me
um Nat and I were talking about this
right before you walked up so like what
are your thoughts on anal and Diane's
like oh look someone else at the bar I
need to go talk to I was like that is a
great way to abruptly end a conversation
I like that honestly I could see you
using that line I probably would yeah
would or will
be honest with yourself Hannah
if the if the opportunity presents
I probably will
perfect I'm not gonna force that because
nobody wants
you're right
um I'm so sorry
so
Sloan while they're sitting at the bar
we learn a little bit more about like
Nat where like Sloane is like I'm
worried about you girl because you've
only dated three guys in the last five
years since David disappeared and you
haven't had sex with any of them you're
pretty much a nun and even nuns have sex
with Jesus
I don't think that's true like for my
own fact checking
that's not true are you a nun no
I've known a lot of a lot of Catholics
though
pretty sure
there was a Convent not far from where I
used to do Community Mental Health
crisis work when I was in Nashville and
there were frequently nuns leaving or
like driving around like a minivan
together and we don't frequently we'd
like always be at the same light and it
always made me laugh so I just look over
and I'm like oh
there's a bunch of nuns just in the
minivan or it was like a sedan just like
just like a car yeah there's some uh
German Baptists near where I live which
are kind of like Mennonites
but they can drive cars they're they
they dress like Amish people like with
the beards and the Bonnets and all the
things but they drive cars and stuff so
I will regularly be at the grocery store
and see like Laura Ingalls from Little
House on the Prairie behind the wheel of
like a Prius and it's very confusing
when we were living in Nashville we had
some friends who worked for
harpercollins
and
um they were telling us that like one of
the best sellers for romance was
actually like Amish Romance
and you'd sometimes see like a little
bit of ankle if she was feeling flirty
or maybe it was an accident I don't know
I can't tell if I want to read that or
if I want to avoid it at all costs um
given the books you normally read I
I think it might not be as um exciting
as you go for noted yeah
um
considering
like all of the reverse Harem books you
read and like
knife play but blood Play Breath play
and then you're like or I saw a hint of
an ankle I saw a small piece of
collarbone oh some collarbone I know
that is so spicy right
um so
back to ruthless creatures
we're really bad at this we're gonna
Focus we might not and that's also okay
we can own who we are so
Natalie doesn't want Sloan hovering over
her um especially with the actual
anniversary being tomorrow and so she's
like I'm fine I'm fine like I'm good and
so Tipsy Natalie decides to walk up to
cage who she's never spoken to but she
now knows that he is her new neighbor
and is like explains that they're
neighbors now and is explains that she's
had too much to drink and is like can I
get a ride home like I'm not like
hitting on you but like can I get a ride
home
and he shuts her down too
and so Sloane is like something tragic
must have happened like in his life like
he must have lost a spouse that's the
only reason like he cannot be a
heterosexual warm-blooded male and turn
down both of us and just like kind of
like creates this like tragic narrative
for him
so switch to Cage's perspective real
fast he's like oh damn she's really
beautiful like I was not expecting her
to be so stunning but I can't let that
distract me from what I came here to do
we don't know what that is that's like
just like a quick like less than one
minute chapter where you're like
[Music]
got it do you have sound effects when
you read yeah as well okay
the next morning Sloan calls Natalie and
Natalie's like why are you calling me so
early and this one is like yeah it's
after 10 a.m I've already taught two
yoga classes reorganized my pantry and
like did whatever and Natalie's like
I'm very hungover right give me give me
a break here so Sloan reminds her that
um they are going to donate Natalie's
wedding dress or like take it to a
consignment shop she's like it's time
you need to like let go of this you need
to get rid of it
um
so Sloane is on her way over Natalie
decides to like put on the dress One
Last Time
ouch right I'm like oh girl basket
um and she's like when she puts it on
she realizes like oh man like I'm really
thin and I've lost a lot of weight and
like I'm not even filling this dress out
but it almost like has the memories
where like
David was always telling her like you
should eat more and work out more and
have a body more like Sloans and she was
like oh yeah she's like you know that
always kind of made me feel shitty so
like we know she's like still sad about
the fiance but this was like one of the
first Snippets that we like have of him
and we're like
was he incredible right or is he just
dead
[ __ ] man
I think everyone can ruminate on that
line in therapy so yeah so yeah you can
thank me when you talk to your therapist
about that
the therapist won't thank Anna no but
you can so
there's a knock on the door Natalie's
like oh Sloane's here so she just shouts
come in and then in the wedding dress
still yeah she's like in the wedding
dress
and then cage pops into the room and
she's like what oh Sloane's wearing
boots today
and cage is like
you're getting married and she's like
um no no like it's just a weird
interaction
um but then cage is like
that dress doesn't suit you
and she's like the only proper response
when you see a woman in a wedding dress
is to tell her she looks beautiful and
he's like
you do
like you are beautiful but not because
of that fussy dress
and you're like wait what
old
um especially after he shut her down so
hard the night before yes like we're
getting mixed messages here buddy well
and I guess um a package got delivered
to his house for her so that's really
the only reason he had popped over was
not to make amends just like I got a
package for you
um I'm sure he does hey he does yeah
there's a lot of his package moving
forward in this book not quite yet
um
he leaves the house like like it's
almost like he like realized what he
said and like got flustered and just
like here's the package and left very
quickly
um
Sloan has a date
the night of the anniversary that she
forgot about she's like I can cancel it
I can like come hang out with you and
Matt is like don't do that I'm gonna go
take myself out on a date as well and
Sloane is on a date with a local Tech
guy named Stavros he is
here in the future of the book as well
so I thought I would tell us his name
um
I don't know I grew up in a very
Greek area
everyone's last name sounded like a
fungus
it's
Kelsey I'm everyone who lived there said
that that's not like me being an [ __ ]
stop Monopoly
okay I'll give you that I'll give you
that right yeah not being an [ __ ] I'm
just not hating just Satan I did not
like that I just said that damn it oh
Natalie takes herself to this very nice
steak restaurant for dinner she orders
herself a full bottle of the most
expensive champagne which she can't
afford on her teacher's salary so she's
like putting this [ __ ] on my credit card
but I am living my truth today if there
was ever a day to do it
yes
um cage is also at the restaurant of
course he is and the um
I don't know the maitre d That's the
word I'm going for the majority walks up
to her and it's like the gentleman has
asked that you join him and she's like
oh okay fine she's like I guess it like
beats the staring I don't know so she
says yes and then there he's like let's
reintroduce ourselves so he he's like my
name is cage she's like first or last
name he's like yes and I'm like okay
like Beyonce I was gonna say like share
but yeah
or brandy and I know we previously
talked about Brandy yeah yeah
what was her last she had a last name
well so does Beyonce
yeah but I feel like like bran if you
say Brandy people are like which one
right
like I feel like Beyonce no one's ever
like oh which one I there are a few that
I know could you be more specific
um he's like do you always drink this
much and she's like no it's just like I
know you drink this much two days a year
on the anniversary of like tells him the
story of her fiance disappearing and
then he's like I like your dress and
she's like it's simple then he's like
Perfection doesn't need embellishment
okay
he's bold
that's the best word to describe cage
um honestly there were a lot of quotes
that I like wanted to outline but there
were just so many that I'm like
what is freaking Happening Here Yeah so
like she tells him the full story of her
fiance disappearing and like
um but then it's like I'm so sorry that
was so insensitive of me to tell you and
he's like what do you mean she's like
well like because of your loss oh no and
he's like
yeah uh I've never lost a spouse I've
never been married I've never been
divorced I don't have any kids and she's
like oh I guess the narrative that
Sloane made up to explain why you turned
us down I don't think she said that but
in her head she's like I'm like girl
you created that narrative to make
yourself feel better but then you
actually like did you think it was true
you know like like she did apparently
she drank that much she did and then she
asked what he does for a living and he's
like I'm a collector she's like of what
like of antiques and he's like a debts
dun dun
I was like of
what that too we'll get there
um
yeah so they're just like
going back and forth and he propositions
her
and like tells her that he bought her
house for cat or bought his house for
cash
um to
um like not embezzle the money invest no
it was to like clean the money
essentially yeah um it's like that's why
I bought the house for cash and he's
only leaving in a few days
um and she's like why why are you
telling me this and he's like well I
want you to trust me
and you're like you guys don't know each
other and then like she keeps like
interrupting him and he's like interrupt
me one more time and I'll take you over
my knee at this table and I'm like
you've known her for like one day and
this is your first conversation with her
um again during money launder that's the
word I was going I was waiting for you
to get there you could have helped me
get there did you know the word I was
yes but I was comfortable with
where you went is that because you like
watching me flounder because I like I
know because I make up random like when
I was like talking about liquid courage
and kept calling it emotional Lube like
is that what you were were you like if I
sit here on the word launder long enough
Chelsea will either find it or embarrass
herself
and I will
because it's true uh now you said as an
acceptable synonym you didn't need me
I always eat you
I always need you
um but then she's also like so like why
where's this where's all this coming
from like what the heck changed since we
talked yesterday it's like yesterday you
weren't under my protection and now you
are and you're like what okay what does
that even mean yeah and who knows and
then like the waiter keeps coming up and
interrupting and like cage looks at the
waiter and he's like come up and and
interrupt us one more time and I'm going
to shoot you between the eyes so you're
like this man is so unnecessarily
intense
and then like he propositions her again
and he's like let me finger [ __ ] you
under the table while I feed you like
come sit on my lap
again
bold well and she's like
I just told you my fiance like the five
year anniversary
um this is a bit much thank you for the
generous offer and she takes off and
leaves and so he follows her out and
like apologizes if he offended her and
then he's like if you want to be left
alone I'll totally respect that um but
you need to know I want to this is a
direct quote I want to [ __ ] your sweet
[ __ ] and your perfect ass and anything
else you'll let me [ __ ] because you're
the most beautiful woman I've ever seen
in my life he's like I'll leave you
alone but I haven't heard you tell me to
leave you alone yet and then he and then
he hops in his car at the valet and
speeds away
that is the height of romance
I mean just
straight Swoon worthy that
I'll tell my husband got me
[Laughter]
not her husband
spoiler I am JT Geisinger and I don't
know how to pronounce my own name this
is autobiographical
oh my God it's not
oh my God is your dead fiance the guy in
the white denim because that's what did
him in I was gonna say he might have
deserved it
poor Mitch I think that was his name I
was trashed I do not remember you know
you said you lost your glasses I have
found glasses and sunglasses at bars and
just will put them on like okay so it's
good I wasn't there because your glasses
would have disappeared so might I ask
that if that ever happens in the future
you're just like I'm gonna be a good
Samaritan and put them on the table in a
very prominent location if they're
sunglasses who gives a [ __ ] actually
mine are prescription so hahaha it'll
[ __ ] up your eyesight
jokes on you
um okay
but yeah just like if I could
um
request
that you be a Good Samaritan and just
put them on a table and then drunk
whoever can go oh there they are and
just go grab them I hear your request
and I will take it into consideration
but it's not like if they're reading
glasses I don't give a [ __ ] but like
I don't have good Vision I that would
have been a long weekend without glasses
got it would have no oh that would have
that would have sucked
um
I was yeah I was in Grand Rapids
Michigan I lived in Dallas Texas at the
time it was a whole thing
um so the next morning Matt is telling
Sloane all about the dinner
and Sloan's like so so you're gonna [ __ ]
him right and Natalie's like no I'm not
going to [ __ ] him and Sloane's like girl
break your dry spell she's leaving in a
few days anyway think of it as therapy
for your vagina like
just go get you some and Natalie's like
I don't I'm not there and then Sloane
was like hey Natalie I love you and I'm
gonna tell you a really hard truth
David is dead like nice like she's like
David is gone he's not coming back he
went on a hike the day before your
wedding on a trail he knew like the back
of his hand
he's not coming back like you need to
move on
um
like and I really love Sloan for her
level of like friendship in this book
right
um yeah like he was an avid hiker like
hyped like several times a week like
there's no reason he shouldn't have come
back and so Sloan's like he would want
you to be happy like he would not be
happy knowing that like this is the life
you're living five years later
um
then there's a knock on the front door
after this phone call and it's a random
dude that Natalie doesn't know and he's
like hey yeah my family owns the
whatever apartment complex and it's the
apartment complex that David was living
in when he died
or when he disappeared and they recently
renovated and they found a letter
addressed to Natalie in David's
handwriting
um that like had no date stamp
um but it was like yellowed and stained
and it was like he put it in like the
outgoing box and it like got stuck and
caught and like oh so no one
knew it was there until they were
renovating right so she opens it and
like finds a key and she's like I have
no idea what the hell this key goes to
whatever okay so she's like does what we
would all do and I appreciated the
humanity of this she Googles
how do you find the the lock to a key I
have a random key how do I find what it
costs you
um she did not yield great success I was
gonna say how what um yes so there's a
knock on the door
um another knock on the door it's a busy
house it is a busy house it's Chris
the sheriff that she had dumped
um and
he wants to rekindle things and he's
kind of like well when I dumped you I
kind of thought it would like light a
fire under your ass and she's like
so let me tell you about this co-worker
but I think you should date and he's
like the one who dresses like she's
Amish and he she's like she's really
great
oh nap yeah um but he when she opens the
door she'd like just been searching for
like what the key goes to and she like
has
like the key's the only thing in this
envelope oh there's no letter there's no
letter there's just the key and so she's
like holding it and he's like oh like
what what do you have there's like oh I
just found this random key because I
guess
um her parents had left for the house
when they retired and they moved to like
Arizona or something and so she's like
yeah I need to like call my parents and
see what this key goes to and like lies
about where it comes from and he's like
oh it looks like the exact it looks like
my safety deposit box key
like in fact like and he like grabs it
from her and like turns it over and he's
like oh like that see like that's the
box number on the back it looks just
like mine over at Wells Fargo she's like
let David make that Bank of America like
I have more questions than answers now
um
and but like Chris like won't let up on
me like I made a mistake please go back
out with me and she's like no thank you
and then he like grabs her and tries to
kiss her and she's like starting like
very like forcibly like be like don't
touch me like let me go right and then
cage shows up uh-oh and is like
threatens to beat the [ __ ] out of him or
whatever if he doesn't leave
Chris scurries away and then K just like
hey I put my house on the market and I'm
leaving
um
okay yeah and he like gives her her his
phone number and he's like just in case
she's like just in case of what and he's
like
anything like your roof leaks and she's
like are you a roofer
oh Nat yeah that's excellent
like
I love how obtuse she is that's awesome
like it's incredible because I'm like
like part of it is her being sassy and
part of it is her generally like not
getting it
um
and then she like kisses his cheek as
he's leaving and says thank you and he's
like thank you for what she's like thank
you for making me feel something for the
first time in five years
and then he's gone
um switch we're gonna switch back to
cage so
cage takes a call from the federal
prison
um asking if he finished the job
and he's like
yes
yes I did and then the dude on the other
end of the call is like what did she
know anything
and cage was like no no she didn't know
anything
um and then we learned he's talking to
his boss and that he lied to him because
he was sent to this Tiny Town to get
info from Nat so he's a collector of
information
and deaths and probably bodies I was
gonna say and potentially like Toes or
tongues or something not antiques
not antiques not stamps
no not buttons
is button collecting a thing I don't
know I was thinking of actually coins
what's a round thing it's small when you
were a kid did you have that like
tri-fold for the all of the United
States quarters yes I don't think I ever
finished mine me either no I lost
interest
um so
cage says on the phone to his boss that
like he's gonna go start following up on
other leads
um and but it's like also like in his
head he's like if anyone finds out that
like I didn't finish the job and like
she's still alive like
we're both dead because I just lied to
like my my big boss
huh
intrigue mystery anal how I describe it
there's really only one anal scene I'm
just being overly dramatic
um Natalie goes to Wells Fargo with very
low expectations and is like yeah so
like I have this key like I don't know
um and then they're like oh like David
whatever and Natalie Pearson or Peterson
or whatever the hell her last name is
and she's like
oh I'm on the account yeah I'm here for
my safety deposit box then she asked
she's like so like my cousin wants to
like open a safety deposit box like what
all goes into that they're like oh like
she answer com with like two forms of ID
and she's like oh I think she would want
like my Aunt like her mom to also be on
there does she need to come too like
yeah whoever's gonna be on the like have
a key to open the box needs to be
present so Natalie's like
how did he pull this off because I did
not do this
um she goes the only thing in the box is
a letter that is like
the like oh we're getting married
tomorrow letter and like I really love
you and like but also one of those
things that she's like
why would he mail me a key to a safety
deposit box that only has a letter that
he could have just given me in person
right
so then she's like breaking down reading
this letter
it's like very sweet you're the love of
my life all that good stuff
um but yeah she's like
things aren't adding up but she can't
quite figure out
what it is so that was back like August
September we're now several months in
the future cage has been gone Natalie is
like getting her life back to normal
after the anniversary passed and after
like freaking out about David's letter
um it's now the Night Before Christmas
is all through the house is it no it's
not the Night Before Christmas it's just
like Christmas break okay there were
several times that I thought it was
either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day
and then I realized I was wrong with
this book and that could be the writing
or it could be user error
um little column a little column B
probably more column B if I'm being like
let's go 90
no 80 user error won't do 80 20. yeah
yeah I'm comfortable with that um so she
is doing some holiday baking and she's
like the oven in my house is janky and
old the cookies have one minute left
only one minute if I take them out in
one minute they're perfect if I take
them out in two minutes no one gets
cooked okay it's very much like one of
those
janky old ovens I get that
um
there's a knock on her door yet again
also what is this pen station there's
like so many people coming through here
I'm I'm in my 30s and I'm just gonna
readily own that if I'm not expecting a
knock on my door sometimes I still hit
the ground
[Laughter]
until they go away because my husband is
the one with the with the Ring app and
the ring notification so I'm just out
here freeballing it I have no idea
I just sit and wait and see if my
husband's gonna get it and if he doesn't
then nobody gets it
well the pro like do your dogs bark when
yeah Andy will go bananas yeah that's
honestly normally the problem is that
like our dog will go to the door and
then I want to shout like Brandon damn
it be chill man cool gonna make but then
they'll know I'm here
and to be fair in my head I'm like
they'll know I'm home because normally
my dog is crated and if my dog is at the
front door then they'll know I'm home or
he would be in his crate that I'm like a
lot of people don't create their dogs
yeah and nobody would know that I've
created this entire narrative in my head
but at least I'm not speaking to them
about it like Natalie did about creating
cages fake dead partner
sure yeah
giving myself some credit here I can
appreciate that uh
so it's cage at the front door
there's a knock it's cage
my notes just say he comes on real
strong but she's here for it like
she's like I haven't stopped thinking
about him since he left and apparently
he hasn't stopped thinking about me
since he left
and he's like I couldn't stay away
and then like in this conversation he's
like are you the jealous type and she's
like I don't know right do you do things
that someone needs to be jealous about
[Laughter]
he's like no like when I'm with someone
I'm just with them and like
just this very like
you knew each other for about 48 hours
four months ago right and we are just
jumping in head first here and so he
like tells her he's interested and he's
like well but you'll have to make the
first move and she's like what would you
call everything that's happened since
you knocked on my door like you made the
first move you showed up at my house and
he's like your SAS will also get you
taken over my knee sort of and you're
like
but once again she's here for it
um so he's like all right you have to
make the next move like you have my
phone number use it if you want to
hey there's my puppies
we'll get you right back to the show in
just a moment but first
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as you know the first rule of smug Club
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all right I won't keep you any longer
let's get back to the show
[Music]
so Natalie call Sloane the next day
while she's out yeah like must have been
right before the holiday break
um it was in December that's what
matters
like she calls Natalie on her lunch
break at the school and is like Natalie
calls alone I don't know what I just
said whatever you knew what I meant
Natalie calls Sloan to talk about cage
showing up at her house thank you see
Hannah I do need you I pay attention and
let me guess
thank you Sloan is like jump on that a
mediamente
yeah ride that train she goes two words
[ __ ] him
I feel like I would very much identify
with Sloan yeah I really enjoyed
Sloane's book as well because there's
like a mobster gangster dude whose name
is spider and within like their first
conversation she gets him to tell him
that his real name is Homer yes
and then like she calls him Homer and
someone's like how the hell do you know
but then she's like what like we just
talk like I made a friend yes very much
her energy but she's like two words [ __ ]
him and then
Sloan is like hey why don't you invite
him out on a double date with me and
Stavros tonight
um
so Natalie calls cage and once again
this man not afraid to come on strong
because she calls and he's like
I was just thinking about you and she's
like oh yeah he's like yeah my [ __ ] is
rock hard
okay right
I don't I literally would just be I mean
that is a personal problem bro and I'm
not sure what you want me to do about it
but I can tell you what I will do about
it nothing but I'm like
you know like 10 minutes later she has
to go back to teaching 12 year olds how
to paint right oh yikes
oh and she's like uh-huh and she's like
okay well can I ask that maybe you like
reel it in a little bit like you are
coming on kind of but she's just like
she's not like I'm not here for this
she's just like
so you're at an 11. and if we could dial
it back
but like there's no like numerical value
she gives him right right right right
yeah
um and then she asks them out to go in
the double well she asked him out for
the night he like hangs up before she
can even tell him it's a double date but
when she asks them out he's like oh like
my plan is working and she's like what's
your plan and he's like to make you mine
okay
again I know
yeah
that's a normal response to that you
know it's so intense so
um we Flash the date he is punctual he's
there right on time he brings her
flowers she swoons
she
um goes to put the flowers in water and
then like once again he's like I really
want you to trust me and so he like
tells her she's like so
tell me about your debt collecting job
and he's like
I'm a criminal I don't remember exactly
how that played out but he does tell her
that he's like the biggest and baddest
Criminal
you know
when they say that it's usually not true
it is
true in this situation okay yeah
my experience in general I've worked
with a lot of different people who've
done a lot of different things and
usually the ones that are like oh honey
like that's cute are the ones that are
like I'm the biggest and the baddest and
it's the ones that are quiet that you
need to be very wary of The Quiet Ones
they're always watching they are always
waiting they are
they'll never find your body
they will not
um so when I used to work crisis in
Nashville we had just opened this like
brand new multi-million dollar treatment
facility and all of the new furniture we
had was weighted with sand so it was
either not able to be thrown or very
very heavy and difficult to throw
furniture
the very first day I was gonna say did
they take into consideration the PCP
strength or
um what they didn't take into
consideration was that they ran out of
sand the day before and so oh no not
like everything had just enough weight
to like have heft to it but like not
enough to like so they just made them
better weapons yes and so the very first
day and this brand new treatment
facility this like quiet dude
um also they did a great job with the
sound dampening because we didn't hear
[ __ ] happen oh
he got pissed takes like one of the
weighted tables or chairs I don't
remember which
Chucks it like destroys the window like
breaks the window out like the first day
by the time we knew that anything had
happened he's just sitting calmly in the
room again I'm like that's more
terrifying 100 like I don't I didn't
like to go Hands-On I never wanted to go
Hands-On but I'm like it's more
unsettling when you just destroyed a
window and then when we come into the
room you're just like
hello I'm ready for my assessment you
know you know what I mean yes I do know
what you mean I do know what you mean
the guy that so there was a guy that
picked up a chair and hit me in the face
with it when I worked crisis
stabilization that's how I broke my nose
the third time
and
but before that for weeks
he was just like I'd come on the unit
he'd be like hey Miss Hannah you gonna
have lunch with me today like nope not
today maybe like you got a boyfriend
like
yep and like just keep walking he wasn't
on my caseload those that was literally
our only interaction until one day we
had our daily discussion about lunch
plans and my love life and then he just
picked up a chair and hit me in the face
with it like nothing like
he had just been calm as could be
and then yeah and then I got hit in the
face really hard was it because you kept
spurning his advances I mean I guess so
I don't know but I do remember that
there was a tech on the unit like an
orderly
um that he had played football I think
for Georgia Tech and it was like he'd
been waiting for this moment his entire
life he was like straight The Flash
coming down the hallway and just took
this guy to the ground and I'm just like
standing there with my hands under my
face catching all this blood and I was
like thanks to fonte
laughs
but the good news was I got to go home
and they gave me workman's comp because
I looked so scary they didn't want me on
the unit
some of our mental health checks were
some of my absolute 100 favorite
co-workers we had one dude because I I
worked second shift so I worked 2 P.M to
2 A.M and he worked third shift
um but he worked seven P to 7A so like
we had there was just like five hours of
my shift that like we didn't overlap and
this man
he like he wasn't like he wasn't the
tallest like I'd say he's probably like
five eight five nine but he just had
this presence about him that was like I
know exactly what you're talking about
I'm like you don't need to be tall like
I feel like a lot of times like oh I'm
I'm like six seven and I'm a mental
health Tech and I'm like you are a
[ __ ] marshmallow like
you are the Michelin Man I'm like you
just like if your size does not
intimidate them into like not acting a
fool we're all screwed because your size
was really what we had going for us here
and this dude he's like five nine
I just look over it'd be like 1am and
he's just like he'd always kept gloves
in his back pocket and so yeah he was
always ready no matter what happened but
I just look over and he take the gloved
out of his pocket and put him on and
they do like knuckle push-ups at like
1am and I'm like
you good he's like just staying awake
and I'm like okay I do not want to cross
you nope please be my friend yes I loved
this man he was one of my absolute
favorites I was so sad when he left
um anyway cage is like I'm the biggest
and the baddest criminal we do learn
there's some truth to this once again
he's like I really want you to trust me
so I'm gonna tell you all of the truths
and then she's like which is a bold
opening move well and she's like I never
want you to lie to me
and he's like mind you she's had some
like trauma she's had some [ __ ] and so
then he's like
well then I there are some things that I
might just keep to myself like
there's a lot of very quick back and
forth that's honestly kind of hard to
like cover and document
um yeah so he's a big bad criminal they
have an intense makeout session in the
kitchen
um
and he still doesn't know it's a double
date right she does tell him she's like
she's like you hung up and before we and
he's like no like that's like fine but
like but she tells him she's like I'm
the kind of girl like once I fall in
love I'm all in and he's like oh trust
me you're gonna fall in love with me and
she's like once I Fall In Love
even death can't make me fall out
and then
cage is like you're missing fiance
doesn't deserve the Loyalty that you're
showing him are you still in love with
him and she's like it's over if it
weren't I wouldn't feel so strongly
about you and like girl
that don't make no sense
we went from six to midnight on we did
your
libido I don't know like we just went
from like no one
like it's like [ __ ] cobwebs down
there
just suddenly being like
I'll love you till death if I fall in
love and I'm like where
oh my God where did we like I'm pretty
sure he was just trying to get his dick
wet why are we why are we going he's so
hard they're both going so hard because
she I don't like that no because she's
like it's over because if it weren't
like I wouldn't feel so strongly about
you and he's like good because I don't
share
with a dead man
well no he said missing he didn't say
dead
um
so they go to the restaurant
um and Natalie um immediately is like
there's some weird tense Vibes here also
Stavros and Sloan invited to a stavros's
friends on this double date so it's like
Sloan Nat stavrus cage two dudes that
like
are just like staring at cage like with
like
a little bit of fear and just like
respect and like recognition like you
know yeah and recognition and Sloane is
like yeah this is Alex and Nick and when
they introduce themselves like they're
he's like one like I'm Nikolai like I'm
a Lexi
like I don't know not the names they
gave me or whatever
um
and Stavros like is the dude who works
in Tech but like they're all just like
staring at him and then like a few words
are exchanged in Russian and then like
they like drop their eyes and like are
no like just like the fearful respect
right
um
then like all of the dudes start just
like deferring to cage where
like cage ordered Sloan and Natalie like
whatever wine they'd been drinking the
night that he met them at the bar like
he noticed what wine they were drinking
then he ordered himself
a scotch or something to drink and then
all of the men are like we will drink
what he is drinking like that and you're
like
uh okay just to have a beverage that you
want don't make it weird well and so
then Natalie's realizing like with the
Russian with all of this and she's like
he's in the Mafi she's like [ __ ] man
you don't know him you don't even know
if cage is his first or last name and
like we're just stuck in the lustiness
Beyonce is her first name does she only
go by one yes but if someone says
Beyonce is that your first or last name
she's not going to say yes she's going
to say that's my first name yeah so
Natalie's like oh [ __ ] first dude in
five years I've been into I know how to
pick them so she's she gets up and like
excuses herself from the table and like
runs and
um like
goes through like not a bathroom it was
like an employee break room or something
like that and like cage is like
immediately on her heels and like locked
the door and she's like
you're not like a good like [ __ ] like
you are like a high-ranking Russian hi
you're not a good person and he's like
well you knew I wasn't a choir boy and
she's like well you didn't tell me you
were head of the Russian mafia and he's
like I'm not the head I'm number two
and then she's like what he's like no
one's perfect now
and then she's like is that why I should
stay because like no one's perfect and
he's like no this is and then he kisses
her
and so then they're like very intensely
making out and then he's like
pulls her like one leg up and wraps it
around his hip and he's like tell me you
don't want me but your sweet [ __ ] will
tell the truth you're soaked right
through your panties
um
in the employee break room at this
restaurant
it's just not
no it's like the whole the whole time
the funny thing is I ran this is my
second time reading this book and the
first time I read it a long time ago I
don't think it like hit me quite how
like
aggressive it was and then this time I
was just like what the [ __ ]
a buddy yeah so then there's like a lot
of dirty talk as he like rubs her
through her panties
um she relents and is like okay I guess
I'm here for this
because this feels really nice that's
the enthusiastic consent we're looking
for all right I guess
I think the consent in the book was that
she hiked her leg up higher on his hips
so he could have better oh well then
that counts
um it doesn't there's more dirty talk
she orgasms and then a gunshot goes off
in the restaurant oh my stars what so
um
switch like cage cage tells Natalie to
stay put that he's gonna go and
investigate
um
then he's hearing like not just like
people shouting in Russian he's hearing
them shouting in Irish as well and he's
like the Irish are here what the [ __ ]
so he looks Alexi and Nikolai they did
like and then he sees Stavros and Sloan
like star versus protecting Sloan and
they're like hiding and like Sloan being
the badass she is like silently like
tilts her head towards the kitchen doors
and like holds up two fingers and like
he's like oh yeah like I'm just here for
she's like I'm not I'm just watching
what's happening and like Snappers has a
gun in front of me and okay
there's two in the kitchen go get them
big guys this is kind of the energy so
um
cage goes into the kitchen he like an
employee sees him go into the kitchen
who's also hiding who like sees his face
um goes in kills the two Irish dudes who
are in there but then he's also like
like when they when he turned around I
shot him in the chest he's like I never
shoot a man in the back it's
unsportsmanlike
um okay yeah so then he grabs Nat and
like he's eliminated the threats like
Stavros has left with Sloan he takes off
with Nat
um that starts freaking out on the drive
back Fair rightly slow
so rightly so I can talk
um also like this is her first date
get well not I guess she dated three
dudes in the past five years this is the
first dude she's been into and it's like
this is the first date she's given a
[ __ ] about in five years
it I don't think it went how she wanted
it to go
I mean she did get off but I don't think
comparisons I I she probably wanted is
an orgasm the metric for a good date I
don't know I don't know what her metric
is
I don't think she knows what her metric
is either because she starts freaking
out in the car
um and then cage starts giving her
advice on like if the police show up you
do not need to speak with them like like
just like all of like just telling her
what to do and
um but he is also like
telling her that her being tied to him
puts her in danger and like he they will
never be public like they their
relationship will always be secret just
to keep her safe
um and cage is like so no more dates
then well I think he just wants to keep
flying to this Tiny Town on the north
side of Lake Tahoe and [ __ ] her and
hoping no one notices I don't know and
he's because he says he's like if you
knew what was good for you like you'd
tell me to leave you alone and then he's
also like oh and I can't have kids
because I had a vasectomy at 21. because
like this life is really dangerous
um but if you choose me
I'll give you everything else you've
ever wanted you'll be my queen
vasectomies can be reversed
yeah
but I guess that wasn't the point here
no I think we picked up on a weird
detail of everything that's happening
I was like he could have that reverse to
be wanted but I guess that's not the
point he doesn't want kids is what he's
saying oh I think it's that like it's
too dangerous a life like he wouldn't
want to bring kids into right being the
number two for the Russian family in New
York sure sure
um
but Natalie
decides to go for it she's like okay
honey gunshots did they freak me out
sure was that orgasm worth it apparently
that isn't her mentoring of a great day
um they get to the house and they bone
it's intense and because it's like
everything else and he keeps being like
if yeah like your sass will get you
taken over my knee and she's like I
don't give you permission to spank me
yet
oh God right
um
and then like
she says to him she's like all of these
years I don't think I was waiting for
him to come back I think I was waiting
for you and I'm like oh girl girl he
showed back up yesterday you have known
this man 72 hours
yeah but she spent a collective three
and a half with him
like
girl you don't know him you don't even
know his name like I can't get past that
you don't even know his [ __ ] name
he's not Beyonce I mean I'm not here to
judge uh a random Anonymous hookup but
that's not what this is is slated to be
no so they have like a cute post-coito
conversation
um cage is like I'm gonna make you
dinner because she clearly didn't get
dinner at the restaurant
he feeds her makes like breakfast for he
just makes like bacon and eggs
um and then like puts the food or puts
the plate on the nightstand her drawer
is a little open and he sees that she
has a
Bevy of sex choice
bounty Bevy an array array a myriad a
cornucopia oh we're gonna go with
cornucopia
she has a cornucopia I'm sorry also now
I'm all I'm thinking is like the horn
filled with sex toys and Lube
um Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a
good night I don't know why that's what
I just thought of oh okay we'll move
past that
um
so he uses some of her sex toys on her
the bone again she practices her dirty
talk this time he's into it they fall
asleep in the morning he's gone and the
police are knocking at the door nice so
the detective there's two detectives who
are at the door one of them is the one
who
um was covering David's disappearance
who like was never really helpful always
kind of thought Natalie was involved and
was just kind of like
a dick of a woman a female detective
sure I don't remember her name
um and Natalie just like grow some balls
on her and she's like yeah I have
nothing to say
um you I'm under no obligation to speak
with you and unless you're here to give
me an update on my dead fiance get the
hell off my property nice and like goes
back in the house there's another knock
on the door it's Chris
who they've sent up to because he's also
in law enforcement right but wouldn't
that be a major conflict of interest
like wouldn't they not want to send him
up there well but he also like still
likes her so I think he thinks that like
it might be helpful when she's like no
[ __ ] you right
um and so she refuses to talk to him too
and he's like we have your purse it was
left like it was at the restaurant do
you know anything about the shooting and
she's like no my purse went missing a
few days ago at the dry cleaner I
haven't seen it since
yeah and
just completely lies to him and then
he's like yeah you were there with your
neighbor like the here's a witness
sketch and she like looks at the sketch
and she's like damn that is a good
likeness of cage and [ __ ] she's like I
don't know what you're talking about
then Chris is like are you [ __ ] him
she's like
leave
and like no I'm not answering that
question and he's like someone has to
protect you like I'm gonna keep an eye
out for you
I don't think we want his kind of
protection no his production just like
means like creepily like driving past
her house on a frequent basis kind of
protection
um Sloan calls
she's in Rome with Stavros
they're on his yacht like like they're
going to be Sloan when I grow up yes
Sloan is the best so she's safe in Rome
with Stavros they have a whole
Mediterranean Cruise planned on his
yacht yeah and she's like living my
dream
um then cage calls and he's like I left
you a phone in the top drawer of like in
the kitchen like it's untraceable use
this one from now on
and she's like oh what's the password on
it he's like your mom's birthday
and she's like what like how do you know
that and he's like I know everything
about you
creepy yeah like knows like and he's
like I know
um
it's a good thing that your parents
gifted you that house and you don't have
a mortgage and that you spend way too
much of your like paltry teacher's
salary uh donating it to like animal
shelters and like oh like he knows like
all of her finances
this is a man obsessed apparently yes
um he tells her he had to leave but
he'll be back for Christmas
um and then he also tells her like
he set up a trust for her so she doesn't
have to work anymore if she doesn't want
to
she's like wait what and he's like yeah
I mean it's like seven figures if that's
not enough just let me know I can give
you more and she's like
what
we [ __ ] once man so like it's this
weird balance with a million dollar [ __ ]
baby right well and at one point in the
book she says she's like I kind of feel
like a 10 million dollar prostitute he's
like well what what if we say it was 50
and the rest was a tip
I was like I don't think that makes it
better oh just the tip hey oh
um have we talked about this before
there was
a show I just remember Tom Everett Scott
Shades from that thing you do was on it
I don't remember the name of the show my
husband could probably tell me because
we've watched it a couple times but
she asked her husband like how much he
thinks she could make as a prostitute
and he's like let me crunch some numbers
and get back to you and so he's like all
right I've really been thinking about
this
I think you could make 500 as a
prostitute and she's like five hundred
dollars I wouldn't touch tongue to tip
for 500.
she's like what the [ __ ] and he's like
that's not a small amount of money
I would not touch tongue to tip for five
hundred dollars that's my new favorite
thing right
I'll have to find the name of the show
and send it to you because it's
brilliant
I will watch it yes
um
but yeah so okay just cage is like see
you at Christmas baby
and then where then he's gone into the
wind again so Christmas break now
Christmas break rolls around before it
was just December see user error got it
um Natalie is home alone and I think
it's Christmas Eve and Chris stops by to
check on her and he has clearly been
drinking and she's like
you're in your patrol car and you smell
like alcohol and like
get the [ __ ] off my property and he
won't and he's like I know who your
neighbor is and like cage is a really
bad dude
um he's known as the reaper he's a
killer see he collects bodies
um and you look and he's like I showed
his picture like that witness photo
drawing sketch to the FBI
um and like they know who he is but I
like didn't tell them that like you were
Affiliated because I wanted to protect
you and she's like
leave right he's like I won't
like I am protecting you and so she
grabs the shotgun that her dad left at
the house and is like stop harassing me
or I will shoot you and he's like
I'm just trying to protect like but he
ends up leaving the shotgun's not loaded
she's like I don't even I don't even
have anything to load in it it was just
here it looks scary
that's awesome right
um but then she's like well
Chris's Chris left cage isn't here yet
I'm just alone on Christmas Eve so she
wakes up
um yeah she goes to bed kind of sad she
wakes up cage is in her house
he has been shot
but like he's like it's not that bad
it's fine and she's like let me clean
your wound and he's like I need to [ __ ]
you first and she's like we can do that
instead
what fine where are the priorities I my
priority is not getting blood on the
sheets if I'm being completely honest
blood is very difficult to get out
especially if it's like a lot of blood
and it goes through and like is on the
mattress pad [ __ ] that no or it works if
you don't have a mattress pad just gets
on the mattress yeah if it gets on the
mattress you just have to get a new
mattress right there's no coming back
from that
um also I think it Bears repeating we
don't know him like what's we don't know
we should be not not engaging in any
sort of blood play with people we don't
know well my notes Here say he wants to
Bone first she's like you still can't
spank me I've decided you can't do
anything to me that you won't let me do
to you
they bone then they bone again in the
shower
okay then they're both like we are all
in like you are my person I am your
person we are together
um when she was like did you come right
here after you were shot and he's like
yeah that's where you go to feel better
you go home and she's like isn't your
home in New York and he's like home can
be a person I was like
y'all have spent
lesson
less than 12 hours together a week at
this point and most of it has been
[ __ ]
but anyway what else did you need to
know besides the size of his dong and
his ability to use his fingers
well and we do learn a little bit more
about cage he like actually tells her
about him some um his parents and his
sister are all deceased
from the gang violences up in New York
um and then Natalie he's like oh I need
to go next door and get some clothes and
she's like oh like I bought you some
clothes like I just I just bought you
some like comfy like Lounge stuff to
have at the house and he's like but you
haven't touched your trust she's like
yeah I just bought it with my own money
which is like really touching to him
because no one outside of his parents
had like ever bought anything for him so
like now he's like even more amazed by
her
oh so then we switched to Cage's
perspective and he's like I have to tell
her the truth but I don't want a loser
um so what we learn of his knowledge at
this point he knows her fiance did not
die in a hiking accident what
um he knows he was supposed to kill her
last September we we don't know all of
what he came looking for but like we
know he was sent to collect some info
from her and kill her
um and then he also knows that if his
boss ever found out he lied about
killing her it would be Bad News Bears
yes those are my words not cages
um noted Natalie then sews up the bullet
wound
um
with well she like grabs like cotton
yarn or like cotton like string At first
she just has like Silk sutures hanging
around well and he's like just throw
some duct tape over stick I'm not gonna
throw duct tape over it and he's like
but you'll use cot and string and she's
like oh should I not he's like no he's
fishing line or unflavored
um dental floss those are the preferred
methods oh and then she's like you know
wasn't as bad as I thought once I got
into it you're just like oh Zip Zip and
it's all sewn up
um
and okay yeah and he's like I've been
shot like six or ten times I don't know
I always get a tattoo over it
um
Natalie tells him about Chris tells him
that Chris showed his photo to the FBI
and cage is like yeah I have a contact
in the FBI don't even worry it's already
been handled the photo's gone
he's like thanks babe you're cute I got
it yes
um but then he's also like I want you to
move closer so I can see you more often
like what if I move you to New Jersey
she's like Jersey and he's like what if
I move you to Martha's Vineyard it's
only a five hour drive from and he's
she's like
what and
then he's like
we're at a stalemate because I'm in the
brat foot and I have a Blood Oath that
like
I like can't leave them and like I want
to be with you but I can't and she's
like here forgetting I'm ride or die and
I'm all in and I'm totally yours and I'm
like
she okay we're just gonna sacrifice our
entire lives and okay she did not agree
to move
we backed off that conversation smidge
um it snows they wake up on Christmas
Day to a white Christmas cute he gives
her a promise ring it is a Russian love
knot
um promise rings are what high school
seniors give their girlfriends before
they split up and go to college and then
never speak again
or if you grew up in a Conservative
Christian household you you have a
problem
Yeah it's you're promising Jesus that
you won't own anyone and then maybe you
wear that on your ring finger and then
maybe when you do bone someone you just
wear it as a normal ring on another
finger and hope no one asks you about it
um
that was very specific it was all
hypothetical
all hypothetical yeah I was given a
promise ring
um but that ship had sailed at that
point and that ship was in Fiji by then
so okay regular ring
was he actually in Fiji or had it just
sailed that long ago that you can
actually sailed that long ago Hannah
knowing you I wouldn't be surprised if
you're like and then
he moved to Fiji to be a farmhand
I'd be like that oddly tracks do they
have farms in Fiji I would go with like
a
fisherman
once again I think we're getting caught
up in the wrong details here no the the
ship had sailed that long ago yeah no I
was given it well told to protect my
honor and that was my sex talk
well I remember on Gilmore Girls they
like the grandparents invite like a
pastor or priest or someone over for
dinner to talk to Rory and they're like
and it's a precious gift and if you give
that gift away what will you give them
you'll have to give them a sweater
and she's like I gave that gift away a
long time ago I no longer have that gift
to offer
um so he gives her this Russian love not
ring but he's also like it's a promise
ring because I can never give you an
engagement ring because with my Blood
Oath to the Brava
I can never marry you
okay and
um he's like
if I like my boss can choose who I marry
for an alliance but like
I can never marry you and she's like
wait so you could be betrayed to someone
else what the [ __ ] and so then
she's real upset about all of this and
and especially now she's like
there's no like we can't have kids and
we can't get married and like this
relationship what am I going to happen
in secret and I'm like yeah we're just
thinking about these things now so she
tries to storm off to the bathroom and
he follows her and crowds her and
then he's like she grabs her hairbrush
and it's like don't make me use this on
you he's like maybe you should and then
he bends over for a spanking
what
I just wanted to see your face Chelsea
is that what really happened yes and so
then she stopped it she spanks him some
and then she realizes she is into it and
finds it hot and she's getting aroused
and then he wants his turn and then my
notes should say two chapter sex scene
we have red light green light system
nice we have spanking we have scarf
blindfolds we have stocking bondage we
have [ __ ] slaps we have vibrators we
have light butt play
light but play okay just like a finger
okay
um yeah and then cage has to leave again
but they seem they never really resolve
any like
it's all sex they just bang about it yes
they just bang they bang it out every
time
cage has to leave again Sloan comes back
in town
um she comes over to catch up she's
telling Nat that there's a war Brewing
between all of the families
um and
that it started with the shootout at the
restaurant
a month ago
um
and then
they're like they had this big family
meeting where things did not go well and
like guns were drawn and then Natalie
was like wait was that Christmas Eve and
Sloane was like yeah
and Natalie's like yeah cage showed up
here and he'd been shot and that's like
how do you know all of this and she's
like after a few days I'm like yeah they
just kind of forgot I was there so if I
just e-strap
she's dropping hella Eaves picking up
this information yes
um Natalie tells Sloane about the
promise ring and Sloane's like I didn't
think you'd get attached I just told you
to [ __ ] them and now he's like I told
you if I slept with him I'd fall in love
with him and Sloane's like I didn't
realize your heart was in your vagina
oh right
um also Natalie has this super chill dog
named Mojo he's like this giant dog that
you're like he'd be a great attack dog
he's not he's just like a sleepy bear
um but while they're having this
conversation he starts growling like
looking out the window whimpering
growling like he is not okay
and so Natalie and Sloan go and like
lock all the doors shut all the curtains
and I'm like that was kind of weird but
back to what we were doing
um
then I don't know cage has a business
meeting
he's very clearly in charge like someone
calls him
whatever the word whatever like the head
boss word is
um but he's not that but then he's like
well I have to like even though they all
treat me like that like I can't let that
go on like that's a sign of disrespect
so he makes the man pull out his own
tooth
yeah
um what a power play pull out your own
too
Natalie has like text him and was like I
miss you then he calls her and she like
tells him that she's in love with him
and he's like
okay everything's good
okay yeah
um so several days later Natalie's like
[ __ ] I haven't heard from
I haven't heard from cage and so she's
telling Sloan and she's like but it's
also bringing you up memories of her
ex-fiancee
is like making her very anxious
especially knowing he works in a
dangerous industry and line of work
and such that is such a sanitized way to
say in the mob he works in a very
dangerous industry like we're talking
we're talking the um The Deadliest Catch
it's a very dangerous industry
you said Deadliest Catch I Heard naked
and afraid
I've never actually seen the Deadliest
Catch I haven't either
laughs
I did watch one episode of naked and
afraid
where was it the naked dating show
somebody were they naked and outside or
were they naked and having dinner
because but it was at a Tropical
Paradise outside no I think I've seen
one episode of both
okay
um so
Sloane is like hey Natalie you should
tell cage that his lack of communication
makes you anxious given your previous
experience maybe call him communicate
this since your heart was in your badge
you gotta use your and we're here now
we're here now
so she's like okay I'm gonna do it so
they hang up and she goes to call him
and then she hears his phone his phone
ringing in her house and she's like he's
here
he showed up to surprise her
um they bone
shocked yeah she acts she asks him to
check in more because of David
um and then he apologizes and he's like
oh my gosh that didn't even dawn on me I
can be way better about that but then
like he's also brooding and she's like
what's wrong you've been through to
someone else and he's like no I'm not
and like if he ever tries to make me
marry someone else like I would refuse
and I'd kill him before I'd betray you
you're like wow you signed a book now
that's something there was a Blood Oath
to get you into this family right
how magic is her vagina I was just
thinking that she's got some some vagina
Powers yeah
um so then like she's all in her head
and then so when he wakes up or like she
wakes him up and she's like I need you
to help me like get out of my head like
tie me up for sex
and then he's like permission for anal
she's like green light
I don't think it was light I think it
was just green okay yeah so
um they do anal
it's a pretty long chapter
[Laughter]
appropriately honestly I don't know if
he did oh no but she seemed to enjoy it
he used her vibrator on her as well the
whole time but like for as massive as
his dick was it went from like one
finger in her butthole to his whole dick
in her butthole and I'm like I really
don't think that was enough prep
probably not but apparently the vibrator
made up for the difference whatever
that's very that's not how it works it's
not but I once again is that the detail
of all the things we're gonna get caught
up on in this book
um in this economy I will get caught up
on it
so she he tells her that Chris won't
bother her anymore and that he has to
leave the next morning and that like he
won't be back for a month this time and
she's like well my birthday is like
February February 20th he's like
maybe I'm like you are creepy
um he knew when your mom's birthday was
he knows when your birthday is honey and
so on his way out he's like loads of the
shotgun just in case and he's like we
should probably in case Chris does come
back let's make sure she's prepared so a
month passes he sent her um a
Valentine's Day gift with like a hundred
roses and a diamond necklace that she's
like it's too big of a diamond necklace
for me to wear anywhere
so I just wear it around my house
I like that right
um
and in this time like she notices that
there's been like some Footprints in her
yard outside and she's like well he said
like Chris wouldn't be bothering me
anymore but apparently Chris is still
bothering me what the [ __ ]
um and then he texted her the night
before her birthday and he's like I'll
see you soon
so she's like Yay he'll be here for my
birthday
she gets all dolled up she makes dinner
eight o'clock rolls around he still
isn't there uh oh yeah so
she's sitting there sadly eating the
cold steak
she had me wearing her diamond with her
diamond necklace and fancy clothing
um and then her phone rings and it's
like would you like to accept a collect
call from the like Federal Correctional
Facility or whatever
and so she does and it's his boss it's
Maxim magnavich
Mad Max
and so he was like yeah I was suspicious
he was like do you know who I am she's
like yes I do he's like hello yeah and
he's like well I was suspicious of all
of cages like frequent travels out west
so I sent someone to check on it and uh
I'm gonna kill you or I'm gonna have you
killed
um and I'm really bummed I won't be
there to see Cage's face when he
discovers your body since he should be
arriving soon but Victor will tell me
and she's like who's Victor and then she
hears a voice behind her that's like I'm
Victor
and Victor's inside the house yes Victor
is inside the house
so but then like Victor starts
interrogating her and he's like where's
the money she's like you mean the trust
he set up for me and he's like oh okay
there's a trust what bang she's like
Bliss bank and like Andorra and he's
like oh weird he always like preferred
like Swiss banks when he worked for us
and she's like wait cage isn't working
for them anymore like what happened like
what if I missed here
um and so he's like what's the account
number and she's like I don't know like
I haven't used it or have like I haven't
touched any of the money he's like well
you couldn't afford those diamonds on
your salary and she's like they were a
gift and she's just like answering these
questions very honestly he's like oh so
like what were they good for she's like
they were a Valentine's Day gift he's
like so you're still in contact and
she's like
yes you're expecting him to show up at
any minute yes I'm still in contact with
him well and then he's like what where
is he and she's like he told me he lives
in Manhattan he's like right under our
noses this whole time and she's like
because cage cage has really been lying
to me about some [ __ ] yeah um and then
he's like
um where did you find the time like I
wouldn't have pegged you for a [ __ ] and
then she's like what I'm not a [ __ ] and
he's like I'd call [ __ ] two dudes at
the same time a [ __ ] and she's just like
I don't understand what what is
happening here so Mojo the precious
teddy bear dog gets his act together and
attacks Victor good well distraction
long enough that she can run
um she starts running gets to the front
of the house there's like bullets
whizzing past her head and then she's
like trying to like
get out and then there's a really loud
shot and she looks up and cage has her
dad's shotgun and has blown Victor's
head off nice yeah so
Victor's dead now
Sans head Sans head
um cage make sure she's okay then he's
like I'm gonna need to take care of the
body and like he's like what happened
and she's like well Maxim called and
said that she needed to be punished for
your betrayals and
um
she was like Victor asked about like the
money and like I told him about like the
trust you set up and cage is looking
like really guilty and she's like why
did he show up like what am I missing
here there's a giant piece of this
puzzle that I do not have in cages like
well he came for the money just like I
did
and that is like
what money are you talking about and
he's like the 100 million your fiance
stole from Maxim
and she's like my dead fiance David he's
like his name is actually Damon and he's
not dead
nice plot twist
um so then we learn David Damon was an
accountant for the Brava who was great
with numbers and was like so great that
like he was making them all this money
but he was also skimming off the top the
whole time
um and then he wanted out and turned
everything over to the feds like turned
turned States witness was put into
witness protection left his wife and his
kids oh damn yes and was like placed out
on this very tiny town on the north side
of Lake Tahoe that only as we said only
had like 4 000 people
so then cage and the Gang have been
trying to like track him down and they
gotta lead like a year ago that he was
there but
clearly he wasn't because he'd already
been gone for four years by the time
they like got that lead
um and then he
like cage was sent to check it out
figure out where the money went so
Natalie is like obviously distraught
he's like I need you to get out like
you've been lying to me like this is
this is this I don't know if we can come
back from this and he refuses and he's
like no like I love you you are like the
only thing that makes my life worth
living
and follows her through the house like
tries to kiss her and once I was like
damn it F this [ __ ]
lets him just like [ __ ] this out of her
again like I have bigger problems right
um so he's kissing her and then suddenly
he like feels cold metal on his head and
she pulled the gun from the back of like
his waistband
and he's very dramatic and he's like do
it I'm dead without you anyway oh my god
um but she like
lower like she's like I can't kill him
and she like lowers the gun takes a deep
breath and like she's like just take the
gun I don't actually know how to use
these things kind of energy
she's like I will likely shoot myself
instead of you at this point yeah yes
yeah and so
um she's like what now like she's like
hasn't like forgiven him but is past the
shooting him get the hell out of my
house stage and he's like well I like I
have to go take care of the body
um and she's like well what are you
gonna do and he's like I'm gonna throw
it in I'm gonna like put it in the lake
and she's like is that what you were
gonna do to me when you were sent here
and he's like
but I fell in love with you it's kind of
like the tone and energy
um so cage is like when I'm gonna go
take care of the body really fast when I
come back will it come up with a plan
because obviously Maxim knows about you
so like when Victor doesn't check in
he'll keep sending more people and you
aren't safe
um
he leaves an hour later he comes back
her house is like destroyed and she's
gone
uh oh yeah
yeah so switching to Natalie's
perspective at this point
um as soon as cage leaves she goes and
she grabs the letter that David had left
for her in the safety deposit box and
she's like rereading it and she's like
trying to like she's like I feel like I
meant like there's something I'm missing
here and one line stands out to her
where he's like talking about like
because she's an artist and teaches art
and makes paintings and things and he's
like
um I know you've always found yourself
in your paintings and and I hope you
find me there too and or like something
like that is the line and she
it reminds her of a movie they watch
like right before they were supposed to
get married where this like drug kingpin
is in jail and he
um
his wife is visiting him and she's like
we have no money and he like says
something about like the paintings and
then she starts going through the
paintings of the house and like finds
like secret account codes right
and so she starts going through the
house and like looking at all of the
paintings trying to find something
um but then she's like cage is going to
be back any minute and if he comes back
and sees me doing this he's going to
catch on to something so she's like I'm
just gonna start breaking [ __ ] make him
think I had a full breakdown
so yeah she just like destroys her own
house
and then on the back of one of the
paintings she finds the word Panama and
she's like that's where we were supposed
to go on our honeymoon I can fit follow
these Clues so she takes her dog over to
Sloane's house
like she packs a bag takes the dog to
Sloans and then buys a first class
ticket to Panama okay yep
um she gets to Panama I'm not gonna bore
you she follows more clues she finds
David okay like she gets to the hotel
and she's like is there like a letter
for me it would be like five years old
and then apparently there was there's an
address so like she gets
to the address and like David walks out
of the house and she's like [ __ ] I found
him he's very much alive and like
looking just like a tan God like right
so
um she passes out from well all of this
is happening cage is like
I put a GPS on her phone I'm I'm gonna
track her down like this isn't that hard
I'm shocked by that right I'm like the
man who's obsessed
this feels accurate
um
so then Natalie and David are talking
he's like filling her in on like how he
ended up in witness protection and that
like right before their wedding his
Handler told him he'd been compromised
so he had to leave
um when he said was like no like my
marriage was like an alliance marriage
and like she was always cheating on me
and our our kids looked just like her
bodyguard and like it I I've always
loved you I've been down here waiting
for you this whole time
um and then he's like so filming in on
your details and so she starts like
she's like well like cage showed up
and also his real name is Casimir we
learned this at one point I think with
the Russians Paige's real name yeah okay
Casimir and I think he said his last
name was like Porter
I don't know this really isn't relevant
at this point I just wanted you to know
he does have a full name I was holding
off on telling you he had a full name
but he does have one okay um
but yeah like tells him like yeah like
cage showed up and like David's like oh
[ __ ] like are you like what like he's
like how did you survive yeah and then
she's like and then Victor showed up and
like David's like
I realized that maybe the clues I I sent
you were not as because he's like why
why the hell did it take you so long to
like find me and she's like
because that stupid key you sent me
never made it and also she's like how
the [ __ ] did you think I was gonna find
you with a key to a safety deposit box
at a bank that wasn't our bank like
this was a lot of mystery and Intrigue
that did not necessarily work
um and so
she like tells him all about cage
showing up and like what he was sent to
do then Victor showing up
um and then cage shows up as well and
um she was like yeah like how dumb am I
thinking he like loved me and he's like
you just like that I do love you like
the voice and then he like has a gun
trained on David
um and cage like definitely calls him
out on a few lies in his story where
he's like
yeah
um we didn't have Intel that you were at
Lake Tahoe until last year so I think
you're lying about
um being compromised we think you just
like took off right
and
um but then Natalie's realizing like wow
cage must really love me he followed me
all the way here
um or he's like a dangerous person who
is obsessed with you they can both be
true can they
um okay
I wouldn't say she has great insight
so then like as she's realizing that
like cage this might not all well she's
also like does he love me or is this
just like an elaborate scheme because I
like
that like maybe he sent Victor to scare
me because that like spurred me into
action and then I like did actually lead
him all the way to David so she's like I
think he loves me I don't know what's
real what's not but her insight and
judgment hasn't been great this entire
book
um and then there's like suddenly this
new cute girl walks in and like whatever
David's name is going by now and she has
a giant rock on her finger and so
Natalie's like wait so who are you she's
like I'm his wife
and so she's like so you said that
you've been down here waiting for me for
five years
um how long did it actually take you to
move on and he's like
one one year nice
um and then like as cage and Natalie are
walking out the door
she's like by the way Damon I've seen
pictures of your children they look just
like you not like The Bodyguard and then
like you hear the wife like who's Damon
just dropping bombs on the way out the
door yeah I can appreciate that so cage
takes her back to New York cage also put
into motion like he wanted Maxim killed
for trying to kill Natalie so she's
really quiet the whole time and like not
really talking to him and like he's
being respectful of that and he's like
I'll be quiet for years if she doesn't
leave like she's just desperate at this
point to make it work
um but he does get a call that Maxim has
been killed in prison and it was made to
look as though like
a fight broke out in the lunchroom and
he was just like an innocent bystander
who was killed right
so then Natalie calls Sloan and
like is processing everything with her
and then Sloane is like I don't know
this point the book is pretty much done
um like Natalie realizes like she loves
cage throughout the phone call with
Sloan
um and then she like falls asleep in
whatever room she was having this phone
call she wakes up to him carrying her
into bed and he's like going out to the
couch and she's like no stay and then
they bone
um and then
they she like tells him over the next
week because now he is the big boss and
like the head of the Brava
um but over the next week
everyone's coming to pay their respects
but like they can be out in the open now
and she tells him like she wants the
option of having kids and he's like go
check uh
go check my office the envelope in my
office and there's like a brochure for
vasectomy reversal hey yeah someone
you're like that can be reversed I was
like I know Hannah we'll get there we'll
get there I just want to ruin the
surprise
um and then he's like and check my
pocket and she's like
you you have a great day Connie and he's
like no so then there's
um he has a diamond ring he proposes
they're happy and then they fall in love
and then Sloan is flying to New York
this is the epilogue Sloan is flying
flying to New York with Mojo to meet up
with them and give the dog back
um and then she's kidnapped by the Irish
sure dun dun dun and then that's where
the next book starts in Sloan
I don't know I just really I [ __ ] with
Sloane she's so I kind of just want to
read Sloane's book now yeah it's a fun
one
um but that is the end of this book
okay so to summarize dead fiance
cobweb [ __ ]
five years later
Jason Momoa shows up
um and
very
insta love Instagram forward and then he
leaves
and
um then they end up together yep he
leaves they bone
like he leaves he comes back they bone
he leaves again he comes back they bone
with anal he leaves they come back they
bone with spanking like
uh-huh she starts doubting if this will
work they bone she no longer doubts
um more secrets revealed fiance Not Dead
goes on a trip to see him
Beyonce's a [ __ ] face
yeah Jason Momoa shows back up
can't believe her after well and I don't
remember exactly where but there was a
point where like she's like remembering
all of these things oh cause she's so
pissed and she's like David was the
biggest [ __ ] Cheapskate ever he used
to make me wash out my plastic Ziplocs
Ziploc bags and like reuse them this
[ __ ] had a hundred million
dollars and she's like this [ __ ]
always used to [ __ ] me with socks on
because his feet were always cold and he
would fold his clothes before putting
them in the dirty clothes
psychopath and at one point she like
sets to cage like do you fold your
clothes before putting them in like the
the hamper the dirty clothes hamper and
he's like
who the hell would do that and he's like
I'm Yours
what a low bar Honey raise it I think
that's what we've seen a lot of in this
book her standards are question able
very questionable yeah um
I was just thinking about that
um
I mean
we can do green lights
because a whole
shotguns
you could do Jason momoa's yes Jason
momoa's that's what we should do
we could do hair brushes no
um yeah you know
how tall is Jason Momoa I don't know
let me Google it
because I mean Vance is going to be
faster than me
dance what you got
Bueller
we are six foot four thank you
okay so he's six four
um
I don't know how many momoas would you
rate it
girl I don't know well from what you
heard I didn't actually read it
um
I don't know like a two out of six
Jason's
two out of five jasons maybe
he was very tall
what is that
in my head it makes a difference it's
very tall like I feel like there's a
difference between reading something to
Jason momoa's versus writing something
to Peter dinklage's
how many spankings oh that was my
husband's recommendation yeah how many
spankings would you give it Chelsea
how many were in the book I'd say like
20 were counted in the book so out of
the 20 counted I would give it
eight
okay eight out of 20 spankings that's
four out of ten yep thank you I was
about to thank you
um yeah four out of ten which would also
be just under
like three out of five
nope two that would be two out of five
so yeah I would be comfortable with two
out of five I could get on board with
two out of five spankings I think two
out of five spankings
eight out of eight out of 20 spankings
um yeah
that feels appropriate because fur is
ridiculous as this book was and how
there was plot but there was no plot
there was just a lot of sex it was a
plot sandwich
it end capped with some plot but just
the meat of the sandwich was man meat
foreign I hated everything about the
words that just came out of your mouth
yeah now all I can think about is
Manwich
or not writing it man because we're
staying on something not spanking yeah
like for as ridiculous as it is
it's still kind of a fun read okay I'll
give that to you and I am going to read
Sloans I don't think I'm gonna read this
one because I hearing about it was
enough but I think I'll read Sloans yeah
I mean I think you you got the gist of
this one I yeah I feel comfortable with
that
yeah there's four books in this series
I've read all of them
and they were all enjoyable
were they all winners no but they were
all entertaining so and that's what
matters eight out of 20 spankings final
offer with a paddle brush
um we will accept that yes we will
accept that and you know
um
I I clearly got stuck on some plot
points that didn't matter at all in this
book and are there any that did
no
yeah you know I mean
maybe you did get caught on the right
ones
um yeah so eight out of 2020 let us know
what you guys think and what plot points
you think
were prominent were there any that is
that is the debate let us know what you
think because frankly I am concerned
about Nat's General
well-being safety mental state if this
is the life choices that she's choosing
to make so let us know your thoughts she
hadn't made any life choices in five
years and it felt like she really
overcompensated
she she was coming in hot and made some
wrong turns but I guess it worked out
for her technically so uh yeah he's
gonna get a reverse vasectomy and
they're gonna get married and live
happily ever after what more do you need
oh a lot more
so much more but okay let us know your
thoughts we hope you have a wonderful
rest your day smut [ __ ] see you later
smut puppies bye
well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]
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baby tell that sexy someone to Linda
senir
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