Speaker 1: Welcome back to Beardless Dick.
Speaker 2: Let's be I'm your host, Kevin Smith, and.
Speaker 3: I'm Harley Quinn Smith. Is that your jacket?
Speaker 2: It is no one old one? Or to a wedding
Speaker 2: of two cats and.
Speaker 3: Together no more. I think we know who we're talking about.
Speaker 2: It cursed wedding.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you that much.
Speaker 3: You were white to a wedding.
Speaker 2: I was told to. That was the whole theme. Interesting,
Speaker 2: were you about to get all like.
Speaker 1: You know where you wanted me?
Speaker 3: I was just wondering.
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't want to fucking get dressed up.
Speaker 2: They made they make it get dressed up when you
Speaker 2: go to weddings.
Speaker 3: Did you wear fans?
Speaker 2: I had a yes, white fans and I had uh
Speaker 2: white dress pants turned into shorts of sorts.
Speaker 3: That's pretty cool. Shorts of shorts.
Speaker 2: That's the name of this episode, shorts of sorts. Speaking
Speaker 2: of episodes, how many more until this fucking misery? How
Speaker 2: many more until the end of beardless stickless me?
Speaker 1: We're going to countdown, kids.
Speaker 2: And if you're watching this at that Kevinsmith club dot com,
Speaker 2: you're seeing on my countenance, my face because you can
Speaker 2: watch the show, how deeply affected I am by the
Speaker 2: end of all this B d M coming to a
Speaker 2: conclusion has really made me start thinking about my life
Speaker 2: and putting things in perspective.
Speaker 3: It's really gotten to you, Huh, not at all.
Speaker 2: I have plans for the future. But again I'm not,
Speaker 2: you know, like, I'm not using the last few shows
Speaker 2: to like rag on iHeart. But it is still mystifying
Speaker 2: to me that they're like, no, you're fired. I was like,
Speaker 2: I didn't know we were hired.
Speaker 3: I didn't know that we had a job in the
Speaker 3: first blue truth.
Speaker 2: The nice thing is when we negotiate to even go
Speaker 2: there in the first place. The good folks who look
Speaker 2: out for me legally were like, oh.
Speaker 1: You own it.
Speaker 2: You can do whatever you own wneyever you want the
Speaker 2: standard boilerplate contract. Would have like given them the show,
Speaker 2: but as it turns out, it wouldn't matter. We could
Speaker 2: have left the show behind, but it is a body
Speaker 2: of our work that will one day be valuable, maybe
Speaker 2: not to the general public, but to you.
Speaker 3: When I dropped dead, I hate when you say things
Speaker 3: like this.
Speaker 1: I no, we didn't.
Speaker 3: Come in, come in.
Speaker 2: Oh gosh, we got she opened the door such a crack.
Speaker 3: If you're watching on that Kevin Smith Club. You just
Speaker 3: saw a sneak peek.
Speaker 2: And if you're not watching on that Kevin Smith Club,
Speaker 2: I mean, apparently nobody's listening on our heart, so fucking
Speaker 2: you must be watching on that Kevin Smith Club.
Speaker 3: I wonder why that fire does.
Speaker 2: You would have seen a sneak peek at the matriarch, Wow,
Speaker 2: one of the many big air German bitches in this house. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Speaker 2: whoa talking about my German shepherd, wacky wacky. That's true.
Speaker 2: If you open the door, you would have seen little Walky.
Speaker 2: She said that Walky was right outside the door. Oh
Speaker 2: but walk was playing a koy when we started the show,
Speaker 2: so she's out there. People like this, why iHeart fired you.
Speaker 2: We don't give a fuck about your dogs. Get to
Speaker 2: the fucking dirt.
Speaker 3: Oh you care about yeah?
Speaker 2: Like talk about that rabbit.
Speaker 1: As the show fucking spirals.
Speaker 4: Down the wad.
Speaker 3: Want to hear a story, Yeah.
Speaker 2: Fuck you, I want to hear story. But first before
Speaker 2: you tell me the story, can I tell everybody this
Speaker 2: is the first episode of Beardless, Stickless, mean, one of
Speaker 2: the last. When is our live show August third? Yeah,
Speaker 2: we have sold seventy tickets so far doing well? Okay,
Speaker 2: doing well, definitely be entering three digits one, but let's
Speaker 2: we can still do better.
Speaker 1: Kids.
Speaker 2: Tickets at sea smont dot com. Come and see the
Speaker 2: first and last performance of Beardless Tickless me? Do you
Speaker 2: consider yourself a ticklet whatever? Really? And you have to
Speaker 2: be there when it happens. Tickets to my birthday show.
Speaker 3: Sold out, So second choice, that's right.
Speaker 2: If you're like, fuck, I want to see them age,
Speaker 2: you could see me be fifty five in a.
Speaker 1: Day in a very roomy theater. Hey no, that's I'm
Speaker 1: telling you. That's good. Like we are a month out.
Speaker 3: How many seats are there?
Speaker 1: It depends.
Speaker 2: It could be in any theater I want. So let's
Speaker 2: say you see what I'm.
Speaker 3: Saying, we're moving it to the smallest is you.
Speaker 1: Know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: We can downsize to the unty two seater and feel
Speaker 2: like kings. The scalability of having a multiplex with five
Speaker 2: different screens allows for the placation of one's ego. Oh
Speaker 2: my god, are we done this many times that we've
Speaker 2: done shows where One of my favorite fucking shows we
Speaker 2: ever did was Revenge of the Smith and Steven, Who
Speaker 2: is our You? Know, you know Vegan Steven who's always like,
Speaker 2: stop fucking serning that stupid joke you say about vegans, Dude,
Speaker 2: like you's serious, but he's like you, and he's the
Speaker 2: one back East that has all the fucking Vegan hot
Speaker 2: spots and stuff. Stephen pulled clips like I Jen Kaminski.
Speaker 2: I said, hey, man, can you go through every Star
Speaker 2: Wars movie and pull out like any scene anytime we
Speaker 2: referenced Star Wars and stuff? And she came up with
Speaker 2: this big list and I gave it to Steven. Steven
Speaker 2: went and pulled all the clips, and so we did
Speaker 2: a show called The Revenge of the Smith where I
Speaker 2: went up and like showed the clip from I don't
Speaker 2: know if we at the clip from Star Wars. I
Speaker 2: think it was both the clip from Star Wars and
Speaker 2: the clip from Maul Rats or vice versa. So you
Speaker 2: saw the clip from the movie that that I was
Speaker 2: inspired by, and then you saw the clip that inspired
Speaker 2: Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: Excellent? Hours long?
Speaker 2: Because like I get up between each clip and fucking
Speaker 2: tell a long ass.
Speaker 3: Story and Ord knows your stories are long.
Speaker 2: Twenty people, wow, yeah, yeah, but still on with the show.
Speaker 2: I went and what a great show it was. You
Speaker 2: talked to people who were there. You talk to Ryan, Gina,
Speaker 2: the two people I know for a fact were there.
Speaker 1: I know everyone was there by name.
Speaker 2: You talked to Dan oh let me tell you those
Speaker 2: these kids were there for something to story. But even
Speaker 2: Steven is like what a great show man, like, I
Speaker 2: wish there were more people there. But sometimes you just
Speaker 2: do the show for the sake of doing the show.
Speaker 2: It sounds like a cool idea, but we're you know,
Speaker 2: we're not walking into like a house of shame or
Speaker 2: some shit like. No, we have the ability to put
Speaker 2: it in to like a two hundred and thirty seater
Speaker 2: or a two hundred seater or a one eighty seedter
Speaker 2: or a one twenty seater or the very cozy, very
Speaker 2: intimate Airbnb cottage not abb what do they used to
Speaker 2: call it before Airbnb when he went to a place.
Speaker 3: Vacation?
Speaker 2: No, yeah, well that is a word, but there was
Speaker 2: a name for like when you you went and stayed
Speaker 2: in somebody's house and it was all before Airbnb, and
Speaker 2: they made you breakfast in the morning, and should a
Speaker 2: bed and breakfast, Yeah, I guess I would be it.
Speaker 2: I just left out the bed pars, like you'll sleep
Speaker 2: there and they gave you a breakfast. Yeah, like a
Speaker 2: bed and breakfast. What was my point about that?
Speaker 3: I don't know. Oh, the ninety two seater is is the.
Speaker 2: Bed and breakfast of Smart Castle, of smot Castle. Of course,
Speaker 2: everyone remembers every show, and honestly, he wouldn't put you
Speaker 2: in the ninety seater. Ernie always goes for the the
Speaker 2: one twenty, which is not the one twenty. I guess
Speaker 2: that is the one twenty because the nineties in the back.
Speaker 2: It's the one we call the kids theater. That's the
Speaker 2: one where we do all the kids' birthday parties. That's
Speaker 2: where like they go fucking sugar crazy and smash the
Speaker 2: cupcakes into the fucking cloth seats. Little jerks, animals, animals, savages.
Speaker 2: But I can't say nothing because I made clerks and
Speaker 2: they can be.
Speaker 1: Like, oh, you fucking sell out? What happened to Just
Speaker 1: because they serve you doesn't mean they like you.
Speaker 2: Having a hating on the boss and shit, I'm like,
Speaker 2: you're right. That's why I can never yell at the
Speaker 2: staff at Smadcastle. They sit around on their phones and
Speaker 2: shit and I'm like oooh inside. But outside. I'm like,
Speaker 2: I gotta play it. Clerk's cool man, I gotta be silent, Bob,
Speaker 2: and shit literally by not saying the thing I want
Speaker 2: to say, which is like, get off your fucking phone,
Speaker 2: pick up that popcorn on the floor. Can't be that guy,
Speaker 2: you know. I got fired from a job once for
Speaker 2: not picking up a salad bowl that I left on
Speaker 2: the floor and stared at it, and the manager of
Speaker 2: the place was just like he walked past it. It
Speaker 2: slipped off the bus bucket. You you clean a table
Speaker 2: at a restaurant, shit, well, the one I worked at,
Speaker 2: Like the tray wasn't hidden. The bus bucket was at
Speaker 2: the bus station, so it sat on like a side
Speaker 2: little table like a luggage rack that you put your
Speaker 2: luggage on at a hotel, opens up folding rack and
Speaker 2: so it was very full. Should have been taken into
Speaker 2: the back. And that's also probably part of the story.
Speaker 2: Salad bowl, like those fake wooden looking salad boles, slides
Speaker 2: off onto the floor. Me and Mike Bellicos leaning on
Speaker 2: our station, and we both saw it fall and we
Speaker 2: didn't move. And then our waitress, we saw her talk
Speaker 2: to Alan, our boss, and she came over. I was like,
Speaker 2: what Alan's say, and she goes, he couldn't believe that
Speaker 2: you two watched that salad bowl fall onto the floor
Speaker 2: and neither of you moved to pick it up. So
Speaker 2: when Alan every twenty five minutes, as the manager, would
Speaker 2: do his rounds in the restaurant, so he did a
Speaker 2: complete round at all the tables, checked in, how's everybody doing,
Speaker 2: if somebody needed something, blah blah blah. Good manager, kind
Speaker 2: of good for the people eating there, kind of an
Speaker 2: asshole to the staff. But this was my dick move.
Speaker 2: So Alan's coming up to do his round and I
Speaker 2: took a salad bowl and I put it on the
Speaker 2: floor and I just stared at him. And Alan comes
Speaker 2: up to me and goes, all right, Kevin, you can
Speaker 2: go home this evening. I was like, are we slow?
Speaker 2: And he goes, no, you know what you did. I
Speaker 2: was like, at my fire and he goes, no, you're
Speaker 2: not fired. Call me in tomorrow and we'll talk about it.
Speaker 2: And when I called in the morning to talk about it,
Speaker 2: you were fired. I was fired. He did the smartest
Speaker 2: thing because I would have been like, oh.
Speaker 3: You're gonna fire me, Like the restaurant.
Speaker 1: Salad bowls all over the floor.
Speaker 4: Oh my god.
Speaker 2: Admittedly I'm fifty four year old man. It was a
Speaker 2: dick move. But in any event, I have to say,
Speaker 2: that's why I can't fire. Can ever say to my
Speaker 2: crew like be better, you know, because I wasn't. Wow,
Speaker 2: that's paying it forward in the worst possible.
Speaker 3: Way, in the least effective way.
Speaker 2: You had a story to tell. It was about let's
Speaker 2: hear about the bunny.
Speaker 3: Bee and you already know the story, actually, but they don't.
Speaker 3: So bill Be has started going on my bed.
Speaker 2: Going on the bed, meaning like I'm on the bed,
Speaker 2: I'm on the bed, bounce, bounce on.
Speaker 3: But I have to put some like pillows on the
Speaker 3: ground so.
Speaker 2: That he starts there. Yeah, he can't quite make it.
Speaker 3: I think he could. I've seen him do it one time.
Speaker 2: But with a pillow he's making he's unstoppable and unstoppab.
Speaker 3: One night Be has to be let out to run
Speaker 3: around at least once a day. He gets he gets
Speaker 3: the zuomies, and he he has a little house, a
Speaker 3: two story house. Yes, But then we let him out
Speaker 3: for like a few hours a day in but does
Speaker 3: the zuomies, yes, zoom. We have to put up little
Speaker 3: little Bill Walls because yes, he does very bad things
Speaker 3: in the back.
Speaker 2: Room wires and doing such bad things.
Speaker 3: So the other night I thought, I'll just let Bue
Speaker 3: room while I sleep. Austin was not going to sleep
Speaker 3: at the time I was going to sleep. Did stay
Speaker 3: up all night, I'm pretty sure, but I wanted Bew
Speaker 3: to roam around while I slept, and I kept waking
Speaker 3: up in Bue would be on.
Speaker 4: Top of me on the bed.
Speaker 2: He got on your chest, like nose to nose, or
Speaker 2: just like he.
Speaker 3: Would be running around on the bed and he would
Speaker 3: hop on me and then hop off, and he would
Speaker 3: be so cute. And then eventually Austin did come to bed,
Speaker 3: and then be was like sleeping next to him, and
Speaker 3: it was It was very exciting. It seemed like the
Speaker 3: start of something brand new, an era lived ever after
Speaker 3: was an air of Bew on the bed. And then
Speaker 3: we woke up and discovered Bew had peed all over
Speaker 3: us and the bed.
Speaker 2: Bill was just a pissing machine. Was he staying in
Speaker 2: one place and pissing?
Speaker 3: No, he was run around and pissing many spots of peace.
Speaker 2: Is there a chance, as I suggested yesterday, that he
Speaker 2: laid on his back, spun around, just pissed in there
Speaker 2: and that's how the streams went all over your bed.
Speaker 2: My mother found that notion hysterical. That really captured imagining
Speaker 2: what is wrong with you? Why?
Speaker 3: I would be that would be a really wonderful image
Speaker 3: if that is what happened.
Speaker 2: But what's being communicated with all that urination? What is
Speaker 2: Bill trying to tell you? Marking you your mind?
Speaker 3: You marry you? May could be maybe I don't know
Speaker 3: what was trying to tell me YouTube, No, I don't
Speaker 3: know what he was trying to tell me.
Speaker 2: But I really thought I'm going skat games. That's what
Speaker 2: I'm trying to tell you. Golden showers bitches, No, no, please,
Speaker 2: And you're going to be in the tues no please.
Speaker 3: I really thought we were going to enter an era
Speaker 3: of sleeping on.
Speaker 2: The bed and I can't think of no more pillows
Speaker 2: on the floor. From now, it's time to build a
Speaker 2: motor around the bed. Mote filled with bill urine would
Speaker 2: be okay to swim in you? You know you you?
Speaker 2: That sounds like a kid's book if I ever heard it.
Speaker 2: You be you The other day I was I don't
Speaker 2: know if I should share this then don't. It's not
Speaker 2: even like remotely scandalous. It's more about if I share it,
Speaker 2: then the idea is no.
Speaker 3: Longer okay mine only you can share it.
Speaker 2: No, well, that's the thing. If it's if I share it,
Speaker 2: then other people can google it and it'll create a
Speaker 2: thing and it'll go because I I came up with
Speaker 2: a term where you know, I was in conversation with
Speaker 2: your mother and I used a term where I was like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, that sounds very cool. I wonder if
Speaker 2: anyone's ever use that term? Is that a thing? Is
Speaker 2: there a book called that? And I looked it up
Speaker 2: and there was none. It's rare when you can look
Speaker 2: up something on Google and there's no previous entry or use.
Speaker 2: So I was like, maybe I should call my book that,
Speaker 2: But I'm like, that's a It would have nothing to
Speaker 2: do with anything. But it is a cool title. But
Speaker 2: I'm not going to share it. I'll tell you afterwards.
Speaker 2: Tell me after you know, I'm going to write it down.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, let me see.
Speaker 2: This is just not for the audience to hear, like,
Speaker 2: you know, because I might it might, I might could
Speaker 2: be a thing.
Speaker 3: The book is titled Abuse Grandpa, I Abuse grandpappy.
Speaker 2: Taking crewd from a pisson rabbit and ship that ain't marketable.
Speaker 3: Hello, I abuse grandpappy.
Speaker 2: Get him to do funny things like fucking ducks, fucking
Speaker 2: funk around with redheaded long mustache dudes, little dudes. Get
Speaker 2: him to like, you know, fucking I'm trying to think,
Speaker 2: who else bugs bunny and face down the mafia? Oh
Speaker 2: that I was like all things bugs bunny, selection or
Speaker 2: you pulling from I'm only fucking pulling from the most
Speaker 2: famous rabbit whoever didn't really live. Almost there with this title,
Speaker 2: almost done writing it, I'm ready. I'm gonna text it
Speaker 2: to you. Oh yeah, that's right. Technology all right, read it,
Speaker 2: don't read it aloud. It's a fucking fire title, isn't it.
Speaker 1: Oh my gods, I looked it up.
Speaker 2: Then that expression doesn't exist anymore.
Speaker 3: That has nothing to do with it anything, I think so,
Speaker 3: But I love it.
Speaker 2: It's a good title, right. I was very proud of that,
Speaker 2: and the fact that it hadn't been used anywhere. Are
Speaker 2: you googling it now? I double checking my work or
Speaker 2: something that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just had to fact check.
Speaker 2: And it didn't come up right. No, it's tough to do.
Speaker 2: I did that a couple of times. Last week. I
Speaker 2: was very proud of myself coming up with shit don't exist.
Speaker 2: Good you tough on the Sick World?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 2: How many episodes left?
Speaker 3: I believe two?
Speaker 2: Are you serious?
Speaker 3: We had five left? We've done two of said five.
Speaker 2: So three, well this one, oh, and then after this one,
Speaker 2: and then after this one, so then the one after
Speaker 2: this and that we can literally do like you know,
Speaker 2: to home shows and then have the well the last
Speaker 2: ones that are always going to be the live one,
Speaker 2: So you want to be there for it. Kids, Man,
Speaker 2: you're going to see You're going to see a motherfucker
Speaker 2: act her dick off.
Speaker 1: Give me back my name moment you're going to.
Speaker 2: See it, And she had to actor dick off because
Speaker 2: she's playing a man, so true poetic. That's what I
Speaker 2: would have wrote in the in the critics notes. If
Speaker 2: I was writing for the schools. Your school paper called
Speaker 2: the Archer school paper the Oracle, So if I was
Speaker 2: reviewing the show for the Oracle, that's what I've said.
Speaker 2: She Harley Quinn Smith in.
Speaker 4: The role.
Speaker 2: Explosive, in the role of John Proctor, acted her dick off.
Speaker 2: You know what, thank you and everyone, and I er
Speaker 2: would have been like, well, number one, I would have
Speaker 2: been called to the principal's office. But like, what you
Speaker 2: can't say that?
Speaker 3: Are you thinking it's.
Speaker 2: A gear on your mind? We're in an all gar school.
Speaker 2: I can say that, like number one, you're a forty
Speaker 2: five year old man.
Speaker 3: Well, why are you writing for the Oracle?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Because my daughter's in the show everything.
Speaker 1: She acted dink Off, she was playing a man.
Speaker 3: How did you get out the Oracle because.
Speaker 2: Nobody else is doing shit with it?
Speaker 3: Do you want to know something?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I do deeply.
Speaker 3: It's really embarrassing.
Speaker 2: I want to know a secret.
Speaker 3: What it's really really embarrassing for.
Speaker 2: Me or you? For me? It comes from the Archer days.
Speaker 2: It's an Archer memory. Yeah, now, ladies and gentlemen, an
Speaker 2: Archer memory with Harley Quinn Smith.
Speaker 3: I never wanted to say this, but since we're in
Speaker 3: the final days.
Speaker 2: Of Archer reflection with Harley Quinn Smith.
Speaker 3: Okay, So here's the honest truth for those that are like, what.
Speaker 2: The fuck are they talking about? Archer was a all girls'
Speaker 2: school that Harley went to over in Brentwood, and you
Speaker 2: went there from grades six to twelve, Yes, six spectacular years.
Speaker 2: Of the best education one can get in the la
Speaker 2: based area. Harley's take on it slightly different than.
Speaker 3: The brochures six seven, six, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleven, twelve,
Speaker 3: seven years.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well they've taught you something because.
Speaker 1: You knew you know math far better than your father.
Speaker 2: So you know, I know you don't like the place,
Speaker 2: but they've fucking done good because something. Although one could
Speaker 2: argue you learned basic math at the Little Red Schoolhouse?
Speaker 3: Do we do Wade Schoolhouse in.
Speaker 2: Your scholastic career? We know how you feel about Archer,
Speaker 2: It's on record. Did you like the Little Red Schoolhouse?
Speaker 3: Loved it?
Speaker 2: So if the Little Red school House what went to
Speaker 2: twelfth grade?
Speaker 3: I would have stayed you think so? Mom probably wouldn't
Speaker 3: love me, but I loved it. It was great school,
Speaker 3: nothing but good memories.
Speaker 2: That were still friends with? Motherfuckers? Who you were friends with? Hell?
Speaker 3: Yeah, am my friends with anyone from Archer?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 5: Is that right?
Speaker 2: Not a single Archer, buddy.
Speaker 3: There's like a few that I that I stay in
Speaker 3: loose contact with. Hey, Hey, I miss you, but didn't
Speaker 3: hate you too much. No, you never finished.
Speaker 2: So what's the embarrassing thing? Oh?
Speaker 3: Get ready to make to make matters worse.
Speaker 2: See, this is what happens when our heart cancels the show.
Speaker 3: The truth comes out. Yeah, the truth calms out.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I watch the ratings go through the roof and
Speaker 2: then we get a call from mister the president.
Speaker 3: I heart mister Hart.
Speaker 2: Yeah, mister Hart himself. He's like, I heart. I was like,
Speaker 2: I Kevin, thank you, and he's like, I just called
Speaker 2: to say that I Archer show. Will you please come back?
Speaker 2: And I was like, only for double what you paid
Speaker 2: his last time? So he's like double zero. Fantastic, welcome
Speaker 2: back and welcome back scene. Anyway, there you are an archer,
Speaker 2: all right? Here I was, and you had to make
Speaker 2: a farcher.
Speaker 3: So I don't know if you recall. I don't know
Speaker 3: why you would recall. But the Crucible Yeah had two casts. Yeah,
Speaker 3: there was, Well it was.
Speaker 2: Really the b cast. Is this what that story's bout?
Speaker 3: I mean, in the story, you're gonna find out something.
Speaker 2: Oh ship, were you an understudy? I was not.
Speaker 3: It was two shows understudy.
Speaker 1: What it's not an understudy? What the fuck do you think?
Speaker 2: I am? Dad?
Speaker 3: It was two and two shows?
Speaker 2: Okay, but we did the other show. Who was the
Speaker 2: other John, who is the lesser John Proctor.
Speaker 3: The John less Apparently it wasn't. It wasn't lesser, but
Speaker 3: her name was Tolly. I can't remember her last name.
Speaker 3: And there was an alternate Abigail as well. So Gracie
Speaker 3: was my Abigail, mamily.
Speaker 2: My mom, your that would have been a memorable show.
Speaker 1: Give me back my name woman.
Speaker 2: And she's just like, hey, Harley Cooky, It's just like,
Speaker 2: now this is experimental, worthy of.
Speaker 3: This black box theater, pushing the narrative.
Speaker 2: So Gracie Abrams was your Abigail. You're John Proctor. Yes,
Speaker 2: so she's the one that you're bitching.
Speaker 1: That give me back my name name. Literally, in the
Speaker 1: plot of.
Speaker 2: The Crucible, this bitch Abigail steals John Proctor's fucking name.
Speaker 3: Is that what happens?
Speaker 2: And he spends the whole movie fighting ninjas to get
Speaker 2: it back. I believe that's the version I saw. That
Speaker 2: was pretty big. There is a play, a musical, or
Speaker 2: just a show. I'm Broadway right now on Proctors The Villain,
Speaker 2: the musical or just a play.
Speaker 3: I think there's music in it, but I can't be sure.
Speaker 3: I read a review yesterday that said it has pop
Speaker 3: music in it.
Speaker 2: I want to see it. Oh, so it could be
Speaker 2: a jukebox music.
Speaker 3: It could be and my friend is going to be
Speaker 3: starring in it.
Speaker 2: Get us tickets, brah. And can you ask her for
Speaker 2: cheap hotel rooms while we're in the city.
Speaker 3: Could you get us a deal at a hotel?
Speaker 2: New York's fucking expensive? Man, You say that as a
Speaker 2: kid from Jersey because it's doubly insulting because I'm like, look,
Speaker 2: I don't want to be here in the first place,
Speaker 2: and you charge me this much money to be here.
Speaker 2: I come from right over there.
Speaker 1: I could go right the fuck back there.
Speaker 2: The thing about New York is like, and fucking go
Speaker 2: back there with your fuck go back to Jersey. Oh
Speaker 2: my god, that's where I grew up. Jeez, I grew
Speaker 2: up in New Jersey. Really, yeah, we only have It's
Speaker 2: the state with two eyes and Italian.
Speaker 3: AnyWho.
Speaker 2: So that's how they talk. That's how my relatives spoke.
Speaker 2: I had relatives that spoke like I wish I wish
Speaker 2: like that. No, we don't.
Speaker 3: It makes us. It makes us cool.
Speaker 2: You know who? Uh, your buddy Jess Vegan street Fair Jess.
Speaker 2: She has a bronx accent. She does, and it sounds
Speaker 2: perfect on her, But that on me.
Speaker 3: No, I wish no way, I wish I had that
Speaker 3: going for me.
Speaker 2: I wish you had it and you had a chance. Bitch,
Speaker 2: you grew you were born in fucking Jersey and you
Speaker 2: turned your back on it. You were like and you
Speaker 2: went west.
Speaker 3: Yes, when we moved when I was one and a half,
Speaker 3: you could have put.
Speaker 2: Your baby foot down and somebody would have had a
Speaker 2: piece of paper with a footprint on it and then
Speaker 2: put it up on the wall. Because you were so
Speaker 2: cherished in loved. Yes, you easily could have been fucking
Speaker 2: so Jersey. No, your mother never would have let you
Speaker 2: be like true Jersey, like the girls like I grew
Speaker 2: up with, like Jersey chicks, Jersey girls, if you will, wow,
Speaker 2: where would she have sent you to school over there?
Speaker 2: But you don't. I mean you're obviously I'm Central Jersey,
Speaker 2: so you can't really hear it in my voice.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we don't have a.
Speaker 2: Accent. South Jersey has a kind of Philly adjacent accent,
Speaker 2: and North Jersey has New York Staten Island Long Island accent.
Speaker 2: But civilized folks who live in Central Jersey, we're our
Speaker 2: own people. We sound like ourselves, unidentifiable. You couldn't pick
Speaker 2: us out. You don't know if I'm from California, Iowa,
Speaker 2: Rhode Island, Hawaii.
Speaker 3: Until you start speaking for one second and mentioned Red Bank,
Speaker 3: Atlantic Highlands, Moncastle Cinema's clerk Jersey girl, and then people
Speaker 3: are like, oh, he's that guy. He's a quick stop
Speaker 3: perhaps m.
Speaker 2: Congratulations. We haven't gotten to the end of the story,
Speaker 2: and we will get there, but congratulations, you're you're in
Speaker 2: a comic book that came out today.
Speaker 3: Well, congratulations, you had a comic book come out today.
Speaker 2: And Archie meets Jane Silent Bob Millie plays a big role,
Speaker 2: and she and they rendered you in the Archie style,
Speaker 2: which is like, fucking adorable.
Speaker 3: That's so excited.
Speaker 2: And Millie's narrative has moved forward because it's in it's
Speaker 2: in cont new it's cannon as far as I'm if.
Speaker 3: Only Riverdale was still going right, Oh my god, we can.
Speaker 2: Segue you over to that show. Jesse over at Archie
Speaker 2: is just like, would you do this animated? If I
Speaker 2: get the money? I was like, fuck, yes, hopefully we're
Speaker 2: gonna track down loot. Fucking would have a voice job,
Speaker 2: and shit, okay, imagine because everyone loves my voice, we
Speaker 2: want we want a different voice. I'm like, but she
Speaker 2: is the character and I'm like, yeah, but we want
Speaker 2: like Elf Fanning to play her. I'm like El Fanning,
Speaker 2: like the girl from Super eight. I'm like, oh, I
Speaker 2: know who she is, but she you got that kind
Speaker 2: of hel Fanning money.
Speaker 3: You can get me for real cheap.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Harley will do it for like scale scale minus ten.
Speaker 2: She'll pay her agent.
Speaker 1: Finish your tail.
Speaker 2: So you were, as far as I was concerned, the
Speaker 2: lead along with Gracie Abrams in a production of the Crucible.
Speaker 2: But what you're throwing on the table now is there
Speaker 2: was an alternate, a multi versal production of The Crucible
Speaker 2: in which neither of you essayed those roles.
Speaker 3: We were in the ensemble during those shows, so.
Speaker 2: You had to watch somebody else be like give me
Speaker 2: back my name. Woman in the background. You were like,
Speaker 2: I was like, you're saying along way was?
Speaker 3: They were like, can you stop, You're distracting us.
Speaker 2: I can't concentrate on any of the action. I was
Speaker 2: riveted by the actress in the back who There's a
Speaker 2: clip in E T which did you ever see E T. Yes,
Speaker 2: I don't know, like kids weren't you know, I don't
Speaker 2: remember forcing you to watch that and stuff. But I
Speaker 2: don't even know if kids engage with ET anymore today.
Speaker 3: I would definitely say so.
Speaker 2: Little kids, I don't know.
Speaker 3: I guess I mean little kids.
Speaker 2: I don't know what the hell they're doing they're watching?
Speaker 2: Was that zooma boom? What was that thing that you
Speaker 2: were like? Oh? La boo boo? Yeah, that's it. They're
Speaker 2: all about la boo boo and whatnot. Oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: they the wait, what was my point?
Speaker 3: Got lost in the boma fo kids?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: Et?
Speaker 2: So in E T there's a scene thank you. In
Speaker 2: E T. There's a scene where the sh around the
Speaker 2: table before they go out to the shed where they
Speaker 2: hear noise, and young Henry Thomas plays Elliott. He's barking
Speaker 2: at the kids at the table, one of whom is
Speaker 2: a young C. Thomas Howel the other kid who plays
Speaker 2: his brother. And then there's another guy at the table
Speaker 2: and I can't remember if it's young Seen Thomas Howl
Speaker 2: or the other boy at the table. But when he
Speaker 2: when you know, Elliott goes shut up and everyone looks
Speaker 2: at him. And he goes, nobody go out there. If
Speaker 2: you watch the scene, the boy who's back is kind
Speaker 2: of a camera, but it's more of a three quarter.
Speaker 2: As Elliott is saying it, he goes, you can watch
Speaker 2: him say, that's so goofy. He's very silly.
Speaker 3: Oh my god. Does the et Ride still exist in Florida?
Speaker 2: In Florida, I don't think so. Don't exist up in Hollywood?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, they killed that long time.
Speaker 3: I think it exists in Florida.
Speaker 2: No, I don't think it exists anywhere. Yeah, God, if
Speaker 2: I'm we know only there was a way to find out.
Speaker 2: Me me me yam me me me good Bye Hardly,
Speaker 2: Oh my god, bye kid, Then goodbye birdie lady. I
Speaker 2: think good bye you.
Speaker 3: Really is et though? Is the t Ride?
Speaker 2: That's why I canceled the show, Like this ain't fucking entertainment.
Speaker 2: Nobody wants to watch you fucking bitches, Google stupid ship.
Speaker 1: Nobody fucking cares about memore.
Speaker 3: Leave me alone.
Speaker 2: It is open at the universally.
Speaker 1: Yeah, still exists et Ride.
Speaker 3: Let's get our asses about there.
Speaker 2: Why it's the fucking worst there. There's my hot take.
Speaker 2: This is what's going to get us picked up again though.
Speaker 2: Oh wait, what a fucking thirty year old theme park
Speaker 2: dark ride.
Speaker 1: That's his hot take. He's standing on business.
Speaker 2: Yeah, man, that ride sucks. No one fucking doesn't. Dude.
Speaker 2: It's trash.
Speaker 3: Are you fucking kidding?
Speaker 2: Total trash?
Speaker 3: I look it, but you're on a little bike, ratchet,
Speaker 3: You're on your own little bike.
Speaker 4: Look it.
Speaker 2: I'd rather go to Keensburg Amusement Park. Oh my god,
Speaker 2: one of their fucking rides.
Speaker 3: Please put some goddamn respect on the eut rides.
Speaker 2: Now. You put all the respect in the world on
Speaker 2: the movie. But that ride, even for its time, was.
Speaker 3: A big letdown, all right, And what's your favorite ride
Speaker 3: in the world of all times? The Simpsons ride a universal.
Speaker 2: I mean, I did love that, but that's not my
Speaker 2: favorite ride in the whole world.
Speaker 3: What's your favorite ride in the whole world?
Speaker 2: If I had to narrow it down.
Speaker 3: You're probably getting rid of the Simpsons right by the way, Yeah.
Speaker 2: That makes sense, right, Like, at the end of the day,
Speaker 2: Disney owns the Simpsons, so they're like, we'll do it.
Speaker 3: That made me so nauseous.
Speaker 2: Love that ride, but it was you know, that replace
Speaker 2: Back to the Future, which was a fantastic.
Speaker 3: I don't think ever you were on it.
Speaker 2: You just don't remember because you were.
Speaker 3: Right, of course, his child.
Speaker 2: What was that before?
Speaker 3: Your favorite ride?
Speaker 2: My favorite ride? I think it would have to be
Speaker 2: like Hauna Mansion. Excuse me still to this day. Really,
Speaker 2: it's my pace, my speed. I don't need it to
Speaker 2: be thrilled. I can throw myself and I'm thrilled enough
Speaker 2: to see the ghosts and ship like that. I don't
Speaker 2: need it to go super fast and down fucking slopes
Speaker 2: and ship which you know what? And also the voice,
Speaker 2: I'm your host ghost hoast that is? That's Paul Freeze.
Speaker 2: Oh is it? You know Paul Freeze also played to.
Speaker 1: Oh he smokes Bullwinkle.
Speaker 3: Yeah, whoa, that's cool.
Speaker 2: He did a lot of vocal work back in the day.
Speaker 2: He had that voice. He's also the voice of the
Speaker 2: Pirate turn Around girls show him here. Well they probably
Speaker 2: took that off the Pirate Ride, right they the women.
Speaker 3: For the best, for the absolute best.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I can't fighting you by a stretch of imagination.
Speaker 2: I'm just trying to think of his voice. I think
Speaker 2: he's also Blackbeard or whoever you know they got two
Speaker 2: pirate ships or pirate ship and a fort fighting. I
Speaker 2: think he's the lead pirate as well. But he does
Speaker 2: a lot of vocal work for Disney so did.
Speaker 1: Back in the day.
Speaker 3: You have your voice and a ride at Disneyland.
Speaker 2: Right, Oh my, I'll I'm your host, ghosts and they
Speaker 2: will never get rid of that voice. I conic read
Speaker 2: this voices now ghost actually read this. Al Disneyland announced
Speaker 2: his closure a beloved ride a seventieth anniversary celebration a
Speaker 2: kicks off, so they closing it temporarily to.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but doesn't that seem so misleading?
Speaker 2: Yeah, they put up a picture of the of the
Speaker 2: of the.
Speaker 3: Haunted mansion saying it's right, but it ain't. But no,
Speaker 3: but this is the New York Post And I found
Speaker 3: that so misleading.
Speaker 1: What that's like saying like I went to the beach
Speaker 1: and there was sad I didn't know that.
Speaker 2: It was like a New York Post invented bait and
Speaker 2: switch before there was an Internet.
Speaker 3: That it's that was crazy to me.
Speaker 2: My friends just described the opinion of most New York
Speaker 2: Post readers since they started publishing.
Speaker 3: That's I didn't know.
Speaker 2: I'm your Post is the home of the most famous
Speaker 2: fucking headline in headline history.
Speaker 1: What what is it? Headless body found in topless bar?
Speaker 2: WHOA, It's true headline, I mean one of the other ones.
Speaker 2: Cop gives waitress two million dollar tip. And they turned
Speaker 2: that into a movie. And that was the name of
Speaker 2: the title of the movie when they were shooting it,
Speaker 2: and then they changed it right before it came out,
Speaker 2: and guess what they called it now. I'm gonna give
Speaker 2: you that title again, Cop gives waitress two million dollar tip. Memorable,
Speaker 2: isn't it? Yeah, you would never forget the title of
Speaker 2: that movie. It was that and I came from a
Speaker 2: New York Post headline, but it got noted and exect
Speaker 2: to death with people going, I don't know how many
Speaker 2: people understand that. And so they changed the title too,
Speaker 2: the very generic, very vanilla milkshake. It could happen to you.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage Bridget Fonda went from fucking a movie with
Speaker 2: a killer.
Speaker 1: Title, no doubt.
Speaker 2: That's the whole reason they opened a script. If they
Speaker 2: were handed a script at that point in their careers,
Speaker 2: they're both like maestros of their craft and commanding huge salaries.
Speaker 1: If somebody handing them a.
Speaker 2: Screenplay on covers that it could happen to you. They
Speaker 2: would not even open the fucking script.
Speaker 1: Well gotten to open the script? Was that cool? Last title?
Speaker 3: It's a good point.
Speaker 2: Then the student thank you.
Speaker 3: Mistakes were made.
Speaker 2: I just wanted to say that my whole life, and
Speaker 2: I finally said it. There you go.
Speaker 3: Great job.
Speaker 2: Maybe the show coming to it and is for the best,
Speaker 2: because now I'm starting to say all the shit I
Speaker 2: never said before anything else.
Speaker 3: I didn't finish the Crucible story.
Speaker 1: I'm waiting.
Speaker 3: Okay. So here's where it gets a little scandalous.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: There was a school theater yearly award show of all
Speaker 3: the schools.
Speaker 2: So not just Archer, no, of all the schools, all
Speaker 2: what schools called private girls schools or schools in the
Speaker 2: district or schools in America, schools.
Speaker 3: In the district, I'm assuming, and critics of the sort
Speaker 3: high school theater reviewers so oh.
Speaker 2: Like people that wrote for the Oracle and shit, no.
Speaker 3: No, these are full adults would come.
Speaker 1: It was adult and for the Oracle until.
Speaker 2: They threw me out.
Speaker 3: They would come and watch the performances, and then at
Speaker 3: a certain point in the year there would be nominations
Speaker 3: announced four different categories.
Speaker 2: This is part of the story where you present the
Speaker 2: one that you won your certificate.
Speaker 3: I was not nominated, however, the other John Proctor.
Speaker 1: Was, and I believe she won for the whole school world.
Speaker 2: Yes, the Interscholastic John Proctor Award went to the John Proctor.
Speaker 1: Who was the other John Proctor?
Speaker 2: To you, Yeah, the kmart On Proctor became the Tiffany
Speaker 2: John Proctor.
Speaker 3: Apparently I was the kmart.
Speaker 1: That John Proctor was.
Speaker 2: Tasha Leone? Who was it?
Speaker 1: Something?
Speaker 2: Did she go on to act?
Speaker 3: I don't think so. I don't know what. I don't know.
Speaker 3: As I said, I can't remember her last name.
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm not like it ain't like in your
Speaker 2: fugging face. But you may not have won, but you've
Speaker 2: been in movies like Quentin Tarantino puts you in a movie.
Speaker 3: But I didn't win that award for my role as
Speaker 3: John Proctor.
Speaker 2: Yes, he won in life, and I would say that
Speaker 2: being in the Quentin Tarantino movie, particularly that one which
Speaker 2: is fucking beloved. They're making a sequel. Do you think
Speaker 2: you get to be in it?
Speaker 3: I don't think so.
Speaker 1: What what if Brad Pitt's coming back? They gotta bring
Speaker 1: you back? All the once is who's directing it.
Speaker 2: It's a Fincher.
Speaker 1: I'm calling my boy Fincher, who I only met once.
Speaker 2: Ironically, I was wearing this jacket when I met it.
Speaker 1: So everything's coming whole circle. On the third to last episode,
Speaker 1: a beardless, dickless me. Why our hearts getting rid of it?
Speaker 2: I got no idea.
Speaker 3: Lousen's finally being tied up in the in the third.
Speaker 2: Last episodes, right, just like any good fucking mini series.
Speaker 2: And should problem is, we don't know it was a
Speaker 2: mini series. We thought it was a Maxi series, and
Speaker 2: we're for thinking that we are Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebees.
Speaker 2: What was that? Neo Maxis and Deweebees?
Speaker 3: The boomfoo the boomoo?
Speaker 2: What is it really called? The boo boo? The boo
Speaker 2: foo boo boo la foo boo boo. That was our
Speaker 2: name for you when you were a little boo boola foo.
Speaker 2: There was an award in this house that says the
Speaker 2: boo boo la fool. That's well, you didn't win the
Speaker 2: interscholastic contests. And I'm honestly glad I didn't know that
Speaker 2: until now because it would have changed our relationships.
Speaker 3: You would have disowned early on.
Speaker 2: To your face, I would be like fucking the loving
Speaker 2: dad I was, But inside I'd be like.
Speaker 4: Only one daughter and the shame she has brought to
Speaker 4: this house by not being the best job progg in
Speaker 4: the Interscholastic contest.
Speaker 1: I just found out about in the Year of My
Speaker 1: Lord twenty twenty seventeen, I was invited to.
Speaker 2: Do a thing, and I'm gonna tell you what it is,
Speaker 2: but it was let me see. It's an awards ceremony
Speaker 2: for little kids. Okay, it's called I guess, let me
Speaker 2: see if you've ever heard of it? The Young Artist Academy,
Speaker 2: Hollywood's longest running youth awards, established nineteen seventy eight. You
Speaker 2: ever win one?
Speaker 3: That seems a little rude to see.
Speaker 2: A nonprofit organization dedicated to drinking young artists. Memorandum of
Speaker 2: understanding the Young Artist Academy. Kevin Spit hosting the forty
Speaker 2: sixth annual Young Arts Academy Awards on July nineteenth, twenty
Speaker 2: twenty five.
Speaker 1: Problem is, I'm not hosting. They sent me this thing,
Speaker 1: and I was like, my fucking hosting. I read it
Speaker 1: the other day.
Speaker 2: I thought I was presenting again an award and I
Speaker 2: was like, yeah, I'm over present it's only at the DGA.
Speaker 1: I can roll down there. No, because I got this
Speaker 1: thing and I'm like hosting.
Speaker 2: What the fuck? So I called up Jordan and I
Speaker 2: was like, I ain't hosting anything. I said yes to presenting.
Speaker 2: She goes read the document and I went back and
Speaker 2: looked at the document and it does say they were
Speaker 2: offering me the hosting duties, but I just assumed they
Speaker 2: had had other names, and I thought it was just
Speaker 2: like here's the other presenters.
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, great.
Speaker 2: So I had to be like, bro, look I love
Speaker 2: to help out, but I got build boundaries and shit
Speaker 2: like that, like I got no ties this organization. I'm
Speaker 2: happy to present, but like I'm not your host or anything.
Speaker 2: And so they came back and said, can you do
Speaker 2: the opening two minute speech and present the first award?
Speaker 2: And I was like yeah, okay, and they're like all right,
Speaker 2: we're gonna call that host though. Oh my god, So
Speaker 2: I'm hosting, uh open the show with the one to
Speaker 2: two minute speech and introduce the first awards. Category script
Speaker 2: will be provided so.
Speaker 3: I don't have to like you're not gonna say it.
Speaker 2: Let me tell you some someone gives you a.
Speaker 1: Script, don't no script, Oh no no.
Speaker 2: If they need me to stay on script, I will.
Speaker 2: It's a young Person's award, So I'm not gonna get
Speaker 2: up there and be like you motherfucking little cutlets have
Speaker 2: not understand that like this, Fuck yeah, I can't.
Speaker 3: I mean, I could foresee you doing that of that before.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying like, what are you dumb? I'm asking
Speaker 2: have you ever heard.
Speaker 1: Of that before?
Speaker 3: Say it again?
Speaker 2: The I didn't memorize it, Well, you are the host.
Speaker 1: I'm on record, Harley on record.
Speaker 3: I'm posting on Instagram.
Speaker 2: I mean, they're they already said, They're like, we're putting
Speaker 2: this up, you know, in the world tomorrow. And I
Speaker 2: was like, okay, I guess the Young Artist Academy.
Speaker 1: They're doing it at the DGA, which is for.
Speaker 2: The uninitiated, the Director's Guild of America, which is not
Speaker 2: far from where we live. And as a DGA member,
Speaker 2: I know exactly where the places and it's right across
Speaker 2: the street from where we used to drop Harley off.
Speaker 3: To go to school, where I went to school to
Speaker 3: play a role that I would did not get a
Speaker 3: word nominator.
Speaker 2: The school that was like nominator dominate the other one,
Speaker 2: the other one.
Speaker 1: Proctor number one, Wait what nothing.
Speaker 3: Nothing, I'm propter number two, Proctor B.
Speaker 2: Was that dude involved, mister fucking Skanky or.
Speaker 3: Whatever his name was, mister Farley, y'all'll name him.
Speaker 2: He was not. Oh, so you can't blame this on him.
Speaker 3: Now look at that.
Speaker 2: Now the healing can begin.
Speaker 3: And just now the healing can begin twenty twenty five.
Speaker 2: You can reach out to old Fartley and be like,
Speaker 2: you know what, man, you were like that fucking dude
Speaker 2: in the Drummond movie. You pushed me whiplash, You're my whiplash,
Speaker 2: and you give him a big hug. Credits Oh my god,
Speaker 2: title iHeart Fartley. Yes, now that's a script that Bridget
Speaker 2: Fauna and Nick Cage at the height of their careers,
Speaker 2: would open up title. But if it then became the
Speaker 2: blandly titled Friendship, I forgot.
Speaker 1: They just did that movie. Wait, take a podcast. Was
Speaker 1: no slam on that.
Speaker 2: Movie, but I think with a bland title on purpose.
Speaker 2: But if they went with a it happens all the time,
Speaker 2: that's kind of bland.
Speaker 3: What was the other article.
Speaker 1: Called Headless Body found in Topless Bar.
Speaker 3: And has no one made that movie?
Speaker 1: I know, you would think, because I believe they.
Speaker 2: I believe for some reason in my head, I've connected
Speaker 2: David Spade to a movie with that name. But I
Speaker 2: don't know they ever made it. Maybe I read an
Speaker 2: article about they were talking about doing it. Headless Body
Speaker 2: Found in the Topless Bark. I think we found the
Speaker 2: new episode title. My heart's like, that's a little disturbing. Now.
Speaker 2: I'm like, hey man, we're on our way out the door.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, just let it ride, Just let it ride, please.
Speaker 3: Nineteen ninety five, a comedy crime movie with a four
Speaker 3: point seven out of ten rating on IMDb.
Speaker 2: Is David Spade in it?
Speaker 1: Am?
Speaker 2: I correct?
Speaker 3: David Selby? No, Paul Williams, no, April Grace, No, Jennifer McDonald, no,
Speaker 3: Raymond Berry. No, I'm not. I'm not seeing David Spade.
Speaker 2: It's called The Headless Body Found in Topless Bar. Yes,
Speaker 2: who directed it? It's a great headliner.
Speaker 3: Oh my god. Ten years ago, the genius behind Headless
Speaker 3: Body in Topless Bar, the headline died.
Speaker 2: The copywriter who came up with Headless Body Found in
Speaker 2: Topless Bar?
Speaker 3: Yeah, read his name?
Speaker 2: Give miss Proppers.
Speaker 3: Gives his name.
Speaker 2: Oh h vincent A Masuto, Oh Vince Masudo.
Speaker 1: That's quality writing like Shakespeare.
Speaker 2: That will live forever.
Speaker 3: We'll never forget you.
Speaker 2: How many words headless body found in topless Bar?
Speaker 1: Six words that tell a very specific story that ever.
Speaker 2: Almost anybody who's been alive for like at least twenty years,
Speaker 2: maybe even ten can get their head around there it is?
Speaker 2: What year was the date on the headline? So I
Speaker 2: want to say I was working on really read it.
Speaker 3: Here I can tell you is this say.
Speaker 2: Let me see.
Speaker 1: Bh baye blah blah blah.
Speaker 2: Headless bought atoms Bar forty years later, So I should
Speaker 2: tell you the story right there, let's see.
Speaker 1: By nineteen eighty three standards. There you go.
Speaker 2: That shit happened in nineteen eighty three.
Speaker 3: I was around for it, man, and it really left
Speaker 3: an impact.
Speaker 2: Captured the captured the nation's imagination. Because again, evocative as fuck,
Speaker 2: Like that's.
Speaker 1: Some tabloid headlining.
Speaker 2: If you ever fucking once in a lifetime headline, you
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. It really is a headless headline.
Speaker 3: No less, Wow, thank you that was a good one.
Speaker 2: Well, I could have worked in the post, but I
Speaker 2: had lower ambitions. Indie film, I says to myself, could.
Speaker 3: Have been headless, body phone.
Speaker 2: Indy film is the place to be. Farm living is
Speaker 2: the life for me. You didn't grow up with like
Speaker 2: Green Acres, did you? You would have loved it. They
Speaker 2: had a pig named Arnold. He became so fucking famous
Speaker 2: people tuned in to watch that pig. Really, it's a
Speaker 2: simpler time. Yeah, there were like three channels. It was
Speaker 2: very easy to impress people. Very much harder now and
Speaker 2: now they got an AI. You can tell a fucking
Speaker 2: thing to create a thing from scratch and they would will. God, entertainment,
Speaker 2: that's the future. That's the future, and I have no
Speaker 2: part in that unless I can get people to pay
Speaker 2: me to type into an AI what they want to see.
Speaker 3: Oh God, let's not spiral out of control here.
Speaker 2: Let me tell you something. If we're gonna talk about
Speaker 2: the future, I ain't gonna fight the future. I'm gonna
Speaker 2: fucking look forward to the future. Because me and Harley
Speaker 2: had a meeting about the future the other day, which
Speaker 2: is bright.
Speaker 3: It is bright like a phoenix.
Speaker 2: What's gonna rise from the ashes of this fucking burnt,
Speaker 2: crispy little show? It's gonna be something worth see. Yeah,
Speaker 2: burn to a fucking Chris Burnt Crispy is gonna be
Speaker 2: worth watching. It really will watch us grow.
Speaker 3: I truly think we're evolving in the right direction.
Speaker 1: Look, I'm gonna look forward to it because the hook
Speaker 1: is good.
Speaker 2: It is, it's satisfying, you could say so least. Yeah,
Speaker 2: So it's a good thing. We got plans, big plans,
Speaker 2: big fucking plans. We were fired, but now they didn't
Speaker 2: throw us overboard. You know what here, let me put
Speaker 2: it this way. I stole this from Ralph He he
Speaker 2: used this in reference to he'd worked at k Rock
Speaker 2: for years and then one day they fucking fired him.
Speaker 2: That was it, because they were doing cutbacks and shit.
Speaker 2: And you know, then he went and because we've been
Speaker 2: doing Hollywood Babylon for a while, he was like, oh,
Speaker 2: I can fucking make my own podcast. And so he
Speaker 2: started the Ralf Report and he lives on the Raff
Speaker 2: Report man his Patreon right so beyond. And he did
Speaker 2: that years before anybody else, years before the rest of
Speaker 2: the cats who were at Kevin and Bean got fired
Speaker 2: and had to figure out how to do the same
Speaker 2: thing he had to figure out years before, so he
Speaker 2: put it thusly, and I think it's I think it's
Speaker 2: works in reference to iHeart as well, Ralph said of
Speaker 2: k Rock, I thought they threw me overboard, and then
Speaker 2: I realized they'd thrown me into a lifeboat.
Speaker 3: Right, okay, right, so true.
Speaker 2: We could be you know, it could be a case of, well,
Speaker 2: we're making it a case. I heard throw us overboard,
Speaker 2: But we fucking we tumbled into a lifeboat, speeding away
Speaker 2: from this fucking sinking wreck of a podcast.
Speaker 1: Beardless, dickless me. There's only a few left. You better
Speaker 1: fucking enjoy him.
Speaker 2: Kids, And if you're.
Speaker 1: Listening and you'd never seen it before, you want to
Speaker 1: lay eyes on it.
Speaker 2: Go to that Kevin Smith club or come to the
Speaker 2: live fucking show.
Speaker 3: You gotta come to the live.
Speaker 2: Charlie's bringing every dick lit shirt she got left in
Speaker 2: the world.
Speaker 3: You better sell them out, Yeah, man, you.
Speaker 2: Gotta buy them shirt. She needs it, and shit, she
Speaker 2: can't afford to fly that shit back home.
Speaker 3: I can't once it gets there.
Speaker 2: Whatever she don't sell, she's just thrown out in the
Speaker 2: dumpster and back anyway.
Speaker 3: So you better buy them, or you could just wait
Speaker 3: to get them for out of there's that.
Speaker 2: If you want to go dumpster diving for some pretty
Speaker 2: nice shirt, it's fair enough. Beardless Dickless Me Live Kids Sunday,
Speaker 2: August third. Tickets at c smot dot com or some
Speaker 2: Mydcastle Cinemas website s my Castle Cinemas dot com. You're
Speaker 2: not gonna want to miss it, No, come see it live.
Speaker 3: And if you miss getting tickets to my dad's birthday show.
Speaker 2: Well well well that's the next best way to celebrate.
Speaker 2: We're having a Viking funeral for our podcast.
Speaker 3: We really are.
Speaker 2: Come watch us burn the show to the fucking ground.
Speaker 3: It's already crispy, and.
Speaker 2: Watch it with the burnt crispy show that it is.
Speaker 2: Watch what comes out of it? Watch what happens copyright keV.
Speaker 2: Watch what happens live there copyright keV in that show.
Speaker 3: That's the show.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's your beardless dick.
Speaker 2: Let's meet for this week. Man. People like shows are
Speaker 2: getting shorter.
Speaker 3: Yeah we're fired.
Speaker 2: Yeah I'm gonna hear like it. There's a goddamn show.
Speaker 2: We literally got fired and we were like, uh should
Speaker 2: we finish? Like oh thanks, so so two more after this,
Speaker 2: two more and then the live show. I mean yeah,
Speaker 2: technic could be anything.
Speaker 3: It can be anything.
Speaker 2: Two more home shows and then the live show, or
Speaker 2: at the very least one more home show and then
Speaker 2: the live show.
Speaker 3: We'll see what We'll see what we got.
Speaker 2: Are you going to San Diego?
Speaker 1: Kids?
Speaker 2: I don't even know why I'm doing this. Only person
Speaker 2: who watches the show and listens is Virginia, and I
Speaker 2: know she's not going to San Diego. If you're going
Speaker 2: to San Diego Comic Con, there are some live shows
Speaker 2: happening down there, kids. I'm doing Hollywood Babylon with Ralph,
Speaker 2: I'm doing Me and Jay are doing Archie meets Jane,
Speaker 2: Sound Abob Live. Gonna read it? Don't you come down
Speaker 2: and read Betty and Veronica? Do it as built? Do
Speaker 2: you know what? Can you find out who played the
Speaker 2: other John Proctor? And I could put in a call
Speaker 2: and see if that person will come down and read
Speaker 2: Betty and Veronica too soon?
Speaker 3: I was very vulnerable today. Hey, I told you the truth.
Speaker 2: You won. You don't need that award.
Speaker 1: You got the Award of Life again. And it's so
Speaker 1: weird that I'm like, you weren't a Quentin Tarantina.
Speaker 2: I mean, you were also in many Kevin Smith movies
Speaker 2: bariently that means nothing but Kevin. You know, people could
Speaker 2: be like, oh, Vulgan is your dad, but Quentin Tarantina
Speaker 2: went your dad as far as I fucking know, So
Speaker 2: him casting.
Speaker 1: You in a movie is all merit faced.
Speaker 2: Ship. What the fuck You're like? I got a surprise
Speaker 2: for you. I wasn't the best John Proctor. I was like, well,
Speaker 2: I'm going to ship and you're like, good, here's the
Speaker 2: real surprise.
Speaker 1: Quentin tarantine is my dad?
Speaker 3: Like, what the fuck?
Speaker 2: There it is? Kids, there's your beardless stickless me for
Speaker 2: this week, and we're gonna go do beardless dickless plus
Speaker 2: behind the club wall Man at that Kevin Smith club.
Speaker 3: For the third to last time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's ending to people like, what the fuck? It's
Speaker 2: all coming to clothes? But wait, doing you see what
Speaker 2: fucking comes after it? Oooh, all right, there it is kause,
Speaker 2: there's your beardless stickles's me for beardless stickless me. I'm
Speaker 2: Kevin Smith. Go have a beardless stickless day.
Speaker 5: This has been a podcast production some podcast podcast using
Speaker 5: our mouths on you since two thousand and seven. Hey, kids,
Speaker 5: did you like what you just heard?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 5: Guess what we've got tons more man thousands of hours
Speaker 5: of podcasts waiting for you at that kevinsmithclub dot com.
Speaker 2: Go sign up now,