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this one is about friendship and

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conflict

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[Music]

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hey thanks for joining us on the channel

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here hit like and subscribe and all that

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stuff but on sunday we just finished a

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series called relearning friendship and

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the idea behind this series was that

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over these past two years or so of

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pandemic life a lot of us have

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disconnected from some of the

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friendships in our life at the same time

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there's been a lot of rancor and

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argument and partisanship and

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frustration in the world and i think

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what's happened is it's made it hard for

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us to sometimes manage conflict well

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and so we talked a little bit about this

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at the end of the series how do we have

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disagreement within friendships i made a

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big caveat in that message i talked

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about how there are certain things that

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should be a deal breaker to you you know

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homophobia white supremacy people who

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don't take your story seriously

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people who don't treat your perspective

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with the dignity it deserves it's okay

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to have boundaries in fact it's really

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important that we enforce them in all of

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our relationships including our

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friendship so there are times when it's

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okay to walk away

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even from a friend

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anything that is diminishing us as a

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person

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it's okay for us to say look i don't

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need that in my life and i can't go down

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this road with you unless you're willing

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to change

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that said if all of our friendships

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leave no room for disagreement

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and i think it makes it hard for us to

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continue to grow and change as human

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beings because we do need different

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perspectives pushing up against ours and

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informing how we see the world

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what has been i think really tough over

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these past couple of years is that we've

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had to do so much pushing back against

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really unhealthy toxic perspectives

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creating our boundaries and enforcing

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them that it can feel at times like we

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don't have the energy there's too much

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anxiety and too much fatigue to

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countenance any disagreement even with

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people who we know care about us and are

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our friends and so a lot of people

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resonated with that message but i got

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some feedback from people just saying

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well how do you do that like how

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practically do you manage and understand

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conflict in your relationships

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particularly your friendships and so i

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wanted to talk about one model that has

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been really helpful in my marriage with

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my partner rachel in the way that we

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have dealt with conflict but i think it

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actually can be really helpful if we

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translate some of those basic ideas even

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into our friendships and it's funny

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because we talk about conflict

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management at work we talk about how we

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deal with conflict and communication in

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our marriages

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very rarely do we actually talk about

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conflict and communication in

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friendships and friendships are just as

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important to the ways that we move to

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the world as any other of these

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relationships and so it is important

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that we're able to do this well so the

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model that rachel and i have used is

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something called toward away and against

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and really it just simplifies all the

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different ways that we deal with

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conflict down to three buckets toward is

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when we go toward another person's

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position we acquiesce to their demands

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we give in to them and we navigate

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conflict that way a way is when we back

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away from conflict so maybe we

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physically leave the room or maybe we

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just disengage emotionally but we back

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away from conflict we allow things to

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settle and maybe then we come back in

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with ourself and we bring ourselves back

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to the relationship

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against is where we set ideally two

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ideas up against each other and we

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battle it out we debate things out we

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come to some kind of agreement or

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compromise in the end that of course it

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can be very combative but it doesn't

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always have to be that way

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what i find really insightful about this

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is understanding that those three

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strategies sort of operate within a

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triangle and one of them is going to be

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our default one of them comes most

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naturally to us but as healthy human

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beings we're actually able to access all

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three as appropriate

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sometimes it's appropriate to move

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toward another person to say look i

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don't seem to care about this as much as

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you why don't we do it your way all move

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toward what you would like

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sometimes it's totally appropriate for

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us to back away and move away from

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conflict and say look i am really heated

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up right now

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more than i should be for how much i am

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invested in this disagreement i'm going

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to take some time i'm going to think

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about this i'm going to journal i'm

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going to write my ideas down and i'm

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going to come back and engage with you

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later

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and then of course there are times to

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stand up for ourselves to say no i this

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is important to me and we need to talk

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about this we need to come to some kind

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of resolution but i need to fight for

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what is important to me in this

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relationship or in this conflict right

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now

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all of that's good what's healthy as a

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human being though is when we're able to

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understand what we default to and how we

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can access the other strategies when

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we're unhealthy it's that we are always

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coming into every conflict all the time

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using one strategy we're always moving

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toward the other person in acquiescing

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we're always backing away and never

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representing our true feelings or we're

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always getting into and against posture

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with anyone over anything and what

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happened early in my marriage with my

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partner rachel is that i am an against

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person i really like debate i like

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processing things verbally on the fly i

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like that kind of engagement and that

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comes a lot from my family of origin

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rachel is very much an away person she

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does not like conflict it makes her

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uncomfortable and that again comes

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largely from the family that she grew up

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in

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but what would happen in our

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relationship is that i was trying to get

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a fight she was backing away and that

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would frustrate me and i would just sort

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of chase her around trying to get these

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debates on the table already not a

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particularly healthy way to deal with

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conflict within marriage or friendship

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but what's really interesting about this

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model is understanding that when we are

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under stress we often have a secondary

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posture or a secondary strategy that we

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use to deal with conflict now that

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stress can come from the conflict itself

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things can get too heated you can get

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pushed too far and you flip to a

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secondary strategy

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stress can also come from anywhere else

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you had a hard day at work or you've got

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a lot on your mind right now with school

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but whatever it is there's too much

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going on and you actually use a strategy

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that isn't your natural one it's your

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secondary strategy well for my wife she

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is an away person she wants to back away

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from conflict and let things settle she

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likes to process things more slowly on

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her own before representing her thoughts

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and views but if she's pushed too hard

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if she's under stress she becomes a

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toward person

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she will flip and move towards she'll

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give in to the other person i'm an

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against person so i'm trying to have the

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debate i'm trying to get us to put our

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ideas on the table and wrestle them out

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and i push her so hard that eventually

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she just flips to toward and she says

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fine let's do it your way and that would

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infuriate me because i don't just want

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to get my way i want to win an argument

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again not always super healthy but

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that's the way i roll and that would

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make me flip to my secondary posture

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which was away now for me that wasn't

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sort of

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moving away or moving out of the room it

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was emotionally disengaging from the

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conflict but also from the relationship

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and again these are not healthy things

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because we're not accessing them and

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choosing them as responses to a

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particular situation as much as we are

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just reacting we have our default

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posture under stress we react with our

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secondary posture and just having that

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awareness of what was happening in our

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relationship that we each had very

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different default strategies to any

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conflict and we both had different

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stress reactions to conflict gave us

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this incredible new tool just to name

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what was happening between us and we

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began to use that pretty clinically for

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a while now we met with counselors on

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our own and we met with counselors

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together and we started to use this we

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would say things like i feel like you're

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moving away from me right now or rachel

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would say things like i feel like you're

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against me right now and uh you know the

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funny thing was she could have told me

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that in a thousand different ways just

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as clearly but because we had shared

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language for what was happening when she

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would say you are against me right now

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it was like it would snap me out of my

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default posture i would be able to say

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oh okay right that's not what i'm trying

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to do but that's how i'm coming across

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right now how can we deal with this

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differently

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do you need some time can we think about

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this separately can we write our

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thoughts down and then come back to each

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other how can we deal with this for me

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when i would say look i feel like you're

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backing away from me right now she could

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say oh right okay that's not what i'm

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trying to do but i do need some space

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because i don't think i don't process

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things the way that you do and so i need

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some space to think to reflect allow my

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emotions to calm down and then to come

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back to you with how i'm really feeling

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and that kind of language that shared

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language about what was happening in the

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context of a relationship was it was

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transformative for us now over time we

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stopped using it as clinically as that

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we you know in our marriage we don't say

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things like you're moving away or i feel

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like you're against me as much right now

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we are just able to navigate our

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conflict in healthier ways because we

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have a better sense of who we are as

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individuals and who each other is within

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the relationship but still

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simply understanding what is it that you

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normally do when you come up against a

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conflict even with a friend do you

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normally want to try to get into a fight

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in a debate do you normally back away do

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you normally give in to them and what

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does that look like and what does your

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stress response look like if you just

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have an awareness of that it opens up so

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many opportunities for you when there's

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conflict to be able to assess what's

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going on and choose a strategy that

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makes sense right now

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lots of times in friendship it makes

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sense to choose toward i don't really

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care about this that much it seems

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important to you let's do it your way

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there's times in friendship where you

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realize i'm getting too heated i need

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some space you know what i'm going to

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take a walk we'll come back to this next

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week or there's times to say no this is

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really important to me and i need you to

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understand why so let's talk this out

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let's process things through but let's

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put our perspectives up against each

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other and see what we can't both learn

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from each other in that process

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simple tools like that a little more

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awareness of self in the context of our

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relationship goes a long long way

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but here's the thing that's really

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important

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what that does it is enables us not just

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to represent ourselves fairly and speak

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honestly about what we're feeling but it

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gives us the context to actually hear

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from our friends who we know deeply care

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about us and want the best for us

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i know that my perspective on the world

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is skewed because of my privilege

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because of my position because of all

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the things that i've experienced as

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jeremy duncan

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when i allow myself to enter into good

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healthy conflict with people who have

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demonstrated over time that they care

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about me and how i see the world i'm

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able to actually broaden my perspective

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on things

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i come from a very privileged experience

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of the world and the only way i'm going

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to see the world honestly and truly is

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inviting those other perspectives in if

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i shut them down immediately because i

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don't have the bandwidth to deal with

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any kind of disagreement right now not

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only am i diminishing the intimacy

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that's available to me in relationships

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but i'm actually stealing from myself a

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more full more well-rounded perspective

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of the world and so when i have that

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awareness who am i how do i normally

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respond am i stressed right now am i

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switching to a default stress response

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right now i'm actually able to choose

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the strategy that makes sense for me in

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this moment with this person in this

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relationship and through that we invite

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not just disagreement because

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disagreement for its own psyche is not

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good but disagreement that allows us to

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see a wider broader more full

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perspective of the world that allows us

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to really learn from the friendships

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that have earned the place to speak into

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our lives so absolutely conflict

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management is just as important in your

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workplace in your marriage and your

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friendships as it is anywhere else and a

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little bit of awareness for yourself

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might be helpful in that so here's the

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homework think about this when you find

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yourself in conflict what's your default

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response toward a way or against and if

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you imagine yourself really stressed out

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about something or getting pushed really

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hard is there a secondary response that

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feels like it comes up over and over

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again in the patterns of your life

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knowing those and then choosing one of

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the three that makes sense in this

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moment with this person in this

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relationship can go a long way to

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allowing you to access more than just

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your perspective so toward a way against

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a really simple tool might help you in

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your marriage it might help you at work

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and actually might help you in your

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friendships to navigate conflict well

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again if you made it this far in the

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video hit like hit subscribe we'd love

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to stay in contact with you and by the

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way post down in the comments let us

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know how you deal with conflict and if

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you have any strategies that have been

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helpful for you i'd love to learn from

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that as well see you soon