Show Notes
Welcome to the remarkability Institute. This is Bart Queen, your host. I'm incredibly excited today. As we dive into a different communication topic, I was having a conversation with a colleague earlier in the week. We ended up boiling down things into three major kinds of buckets. Again, number one.
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00:01:59] Building the conversation, number two, building the connection, and then building your confidence. And as we got into a discussion on each one of those topics, I made the point that the number one thing that every one of us should do in building our confidence is to focus more on building our trust factor.
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00:02:24] And when I, when he, when I said that to him, he said, what do you mean by this idea of a trust factor? I had shared with him earlier that we had three major goals of building trust, building relationships, and building engagement and building that trust factor is critical to our success—both personally and professionally.
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00:02:45] I also mentioned to him that for most of us, Trust is something that we leave to a whim. It's not something that we strategically look at it and layout a game plan. Most of us don't get up every day and say, Hmm, how do I build trust with my wife or husband? How do I build deeper trust with my children?
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00:03:11] I don't know how you'd build a deeper trust with my best buddy or friend. We don't even think about that with the customer. We know that with a customer, it's critical to build trust because they're not going to buy or deal with this or have a relationship with us if we don't come across as trustworthy.
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00:03:29] But I come back to the idea. Most of us just look at it more from a whim than from looking at more at a strategic kind of. The focused thing that you're going to think about today. I want you to focus on that, the idea of how do you build your trust factor. And guys, as we discuss this, I would like you to put it in context, more of the people that are immediately around you, your spouse, your significant other, a child, a good friend, a family member.
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00:04:06] Or a close client, but I want the circle to be pretty tight as we look at it. I'm asking you to do that because I want you to begin to think of immediate application on some of the ideas that I'm going to share with you now in our time together today, to me, which is a short 30 minutes for today, I want you to understand trust from a different perspective.
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00:04:31] I want you to look at it differently, and I want you to begin to pick up tidbits' ideas on how you can build your trust factor and make it stronger. Now, if you'll do that for me in the next 30 minutes, here's what I think you're going to find. Number one, you can strengthen and deepen the relationships that you're in.
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00:04:54] Number two, from a business perspective, you can build greater loyalty. So your customer only wants to do business with you. And more importantly, in my mind, in the first two, you get a connection, and you deepen that connection. Today, guys, I'm going to do more of a broad sweep on this idea of trust.
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00:05:18] That way, I can just give you tidbits. If you care to go deeper, each one of these will allow you to do that. The first thing I want to look at is what I call trust, foundational concepts, three simple key ideas that I think layout a foundation for us to work with. I believe that the effectiveness of our communication, whether that's face to face, it's virtually it's over the phone, it's a large group or a small group, relies more on the character of the messenger of you and me, then the content of the message.
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00:05:55] If you think about it, most of us put all our focus on the message. You'll spend hours and hours trying to craft the perfect PowerPoint slide and not even really think about what do I need to do? What do I need to say to create that trust factor? It's the exact opposite of what we think, where the real effectiveness of our communication lies in our character as the messenger.
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00:06:20] So I want to remind you that people buy what they see before they buy what they hear. They're evaluating you. They're looking you up. They're looking you down and making an assessment already before you've opened your mouth, whether they're going to trust you or not. And then as you begin to share, they're going to be evaluating the things that you bring to the table.
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00:06:43] And this is where your executive presence, your sense of authenticity, and your confidence need to come forward. Part of the character of the messenger is then developed through the stories you share through the examples that you give. So that first paradigm shift, I want you to think about and building your trust factor.
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00:07:08] Is that we need to focus on the character of the messenger, you and I, more than we need to focus on the content. First the second thing I want you to realize is that credibility is a thing that makes the difference. And I found an interesting fact in my research, it said in the first six months of relationship communication, overrides credibility; so think about when you first met somebody that you dated, and maybe that person became your spouse in the first month as you went out, you had a good time.
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00:07:46] You shared stories, you talked, you were building your credibility, but it was the connection you were creating through things that you shared experiences, that you had places that you went. But what I found interesting out of this study was the second six months' credibility overrides communication. So now, I want you to think about the communication you have with your spouse over a longer period.
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00:08:19] Let's say you've been married ten years or longer in a relationship, ten years or longer. Hopefully, you both have a bank account of trust that you make deposits into, and you take money out of it, or you take trust out of it. There's an exchange back and forth. If you've built this account up strongly, there are moments when you have a bad day, and something doesn't happen.
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00:08:46] You fail to call something that doesn't work out. And the credibility holds for you, even though the communication did not so if we think over the long haul in building a business if you think of a long haul in a relationship with one of your children in a relationship with your spouse, that credibility.
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00:09:09] Becomes critical after six months over the communication that we have. It's that level of trust that we have. And the third thing I want you to realize from a foundational perspective is when credibility continues when it grows, and it strengthens that connection grows and strengthens, they learn to rely on you and depend on you, and they trust you.
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00:09:38] But when credibility discontinues, the connection discontinues. So we can see this in marriages where someone broke. Their trust. We see that with politicians, where we had trust in someone, and something happened, they broke that trust. And then there becomes a disconnect you've had that happen with a friend where you had a falling out credibility fell apart.
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00:10:06] There was a disconnect and maybe a long period that you didn't talk. Now, if that relationship begins to heal, You find that credibility bit builds again. You find that the connection builds again; these three basic foundational ideas are foundational to laying the trust factor and building it the way you see fit.
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00:10:34] So now let's look at some of the challenges. Some of the things we have to overcome are the challenges with trust that become critical for you. And I.
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00:10:44]One of the number one things that happen with a lack of trust in business, it stymies innovation, it stymies optimization, it stymies growth, and it stymies progress. It almost puts it to a halt and slows it down. Suppose the trust factor is not high enough. If the trust factor is also not high enough, it can create the perception.
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00:11:10] Now, the perception of a hidden agenda. And if you're trying to sell me something and I feel like you have a hidden agenda, I'm going to put my hand out and give pushback. Cause I'm not trusting that. One of my favorite sayings is a confused mind will always say no. So if they feel like they're trying to pull something over on you, if you feel like there's a hidden agenda in there, you're going to push back because the trust levels are so low.
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00:11:42] The other thing that happens in my mind is that the decision making process becomes very, very long, and drawn out—an example. I gave it a couple of weeks ago in class. I was sharing about a man that I met to talk about helping me with podcasts. We met this young man just at a coffee shop, and the idea was, find out what he does, how he could help us, and what it would look like.
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00:12:10] If we decided to commit to doing podcasts, I brought my assistant along so we could just banter and talk. She was very much interested. We walked into the coffee shop within the first few minutes. I had already made the decision that I trusted this man. And we walked out the door after it was all said and done.
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00:12:30] My assistant said he's a good guy. I trust him. And it was an automatic decision that we would do business with him because of the trust factor established so quickly. He was honest. He was upfront. He shared what worked and what didn't work. You got a very clear perspective. Now, the result of that higher trust was the decision-making process was fairly simple, but you know what it's like when you're don't trust the person; a lot of times, you won't do business with them, or you take your time before you make that decision.
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00:13:05] The other thing that happens is productivity across the organization gets very slow. Because people don't trust the people around them, and they're in self-preservation and self-protection mode. You don't want that. You want productivity to go high. So if we're looking to look at these challenges and say, how do we speed up innovation?
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00:13:27] How do we get rid of hidden agendas? How do we speed up the process of making a decision and increase productivity? You got to go to the other side; you've got to be able to build that trust factor. But we don't walk in the door thinking, how do I build that trust again, we leave it to whim, but if we're going to look at the challenges, we've got to look at the benefits,
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00:13:49]the number one thing that happens, I don't care whether it's a personal relationship or a professional relationship. Trust strengthens that relationship. It deepens that relationship, and it creates a powerful connection because you've got trust. I know for myself, I'm just one of those guys that trust is a major issue.
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00:14:10] If I'm going to do business with someone, that trust factor has to be high if I'm going to be in any type of relationship, that trust factor has to be high. It is probably the number one thing in my own life that I would make many judgments by and who I spend time with and the businesses I associate with.
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00:14:32] Now, one of the greatest benefits of strong trust is the idea of loyalty. So if you think about it with your customer base, if you're thinking about it from a funnel perspective, at the top of that funnel is the beginning of the building trust process. And at the tip of that upside-down funnel, the very tip is brand loyalty that they only want to do business with you.
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00:14:56] Now remember that's because of who you are. Not necessarily because of the business we buy from people we don't buy from companies. So you have to come back to where I opened about around your character. Now, if you're doing business again, the results of that, it speeds up the process. It develops greater collaboration, and it drives results forward because people trust that you're going to take them where you said you're going to take just some of the simple benefits of trust.
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00:15:29] We could have a long list. I'm just trying to hit a couple. That makes sense—both on a personal and professional basis.
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00:15:36]But if you've been with me before, and if you've spent any time with me, that Y is pretty important because I believe in what Simon Sinek teaches us, that people buy, why you do what you do before they buy what you do. So let's answer the question. Why is trust so important. Number one.
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00:15:59] I think it's because we are capable of more than we think we are. We're more capable than we think we are. And when trust is higher, we get the freedom to express that capability. Think about when someone encourages you or says you do a great job. Think about maybe that was a child when you praise a child.
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00:16:22] A lot of times, they just want to do. More, they want to try harder. In school, we see that in sports, especially when the coach says, I know you can do it, run harder, run faster, jump higher because someone believes in you, they trust in what you're capable of. And when they become again to trust in what you're capable of, let's think about what happens.
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00:16:49] Number one, people get a firm belief in your reliability. I know I can count on Bart. I know I can count on Bill. I know I can count on Mary. You become far more reliable. They know you're going to get the job done. There's a firm belief in the truth that you speak the truth. Here's where I'm coming from.
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00:17:11] Here's what I think will work. Here's what I think will not work. And because there's a high level of trust, you'll accept those things and question it less. There's also a stronger belief in your ability that you can bring to the table. If you look at a customer and say, I can take you from point a to point B, and we can do that in nine months on schedule and under budget.
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00:17:40] If the trust factor is high, they're going to believe that you can meet that goal. And when it gets tough, when things aren't going so well, when it doesn't seem so smooth, if your trust factor is high, they will stay with you because they believe in your abilities. If they don't, that trust factor will come down, and they're going to question your abilities. Then there's one more important point, especially from a leadership perspective, they have a firm belief in your strength in leading the organization or the team to the destination or the goal.
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00:18:17] Now that could be just your strength in. Just yourself. It could be the strength in your team, or it could be the strength in your company leading forward,
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00:18:27]all of that reliability, the truth, your ability, and your strength gives you an opportunity to increase your authenticity to really who you are. And that authenticity is just equivalent to your character. Understanding why trust is so important should drive you to take it from this thing that you think about just on the whim to something that you are actively pursuing that you think about every day.
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00:18:59] Guys, if I would check if I could challenge you tomorrow morning when you wake up. Before you let your feet hit the floor and you're sitting on the edge of the bed. Ask yourself this one. Very simple question. What can I do today to build greater trust with my family? What can I do today to build greater trust with my spouse?
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00:19:24] What can I do today to build greater trust with my son or my daughter? And if you're a young person, what can I do to build greater trust with my mom or my dad or grandparents? And then just do that one thing. Just do that one thing.
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00:19:42]I am a fond follower of Bernay Brown. And you may recognize her as an author. You may recognize her from Ted talks. Maybe you even read some of her books. Two of my favorites are Dare to Lead and Daring Greatly. I think they have a lot to do and speak heavily on trust, authenticity, and vulnerability.
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00:20:10] But if you follow her a little bit, you'll find that she has said that there are cell seven elements of what she describes of trust. The first one she mentioned is the boundaries that you have. Here's where I will go. And here's where I won't go and understanding what those boundaries are. Builds.
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00:20:35] Trust. The second thing she talks about is reliability. Now I've mentioned that here, she is reinforcing it that you can trust that the person will do what they say. They're going to do. You walk the talk. Do you live out what you say you're going to do? The third point she brings up as an element is an accountability.
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00:21:01] Do you apologize when you need to apologize, you say you're wrong when you're wrong. Do you hold yourself accountable for what you say and what you do as an example to others? I know one of my key values has always been, it is never too late to do the right thing, and I can share with you that there are many times.
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00:21:26] When doing the right thing may have taken me months to get there to that point, to make that decision. And some of them, as you would probably know in your own life, maybe it's gone several years, and you still have it not turn that wrong into a right. All part of our process of holding ourselves accountable.
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00:21:45] There's not perfection at this. There's the process of working at it. The fourth concept she brings up is what she calls the vault. And what she's referring to is this idea. When someone shares something with you in confidence, do you hold it in confidence? In other words, do you keep your mouth shut? Do you keep the vault closed and not break that confidence?
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00:22:12] Now we've all known someone shared a little secret with us, or someone's shared a piece of gossip maybe. And then you share the gossip. And then we lose trust, or we've broken someone's trust because they shared something with us. And then we shared it with someone else. And that you live with that regret after it comes out that you've done that.
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00:22:32]The next one that she brings up is this idea of integrity. You do what you say you're going to do when no one is looking. I think that's a great definition of integrity. Do we do what we say we're going to do when no? One's when no one is looking. The last two, I especially liked one was nonjudgmental.
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00:22:55] Each one of us never hesitates to share our heart, our opinion, our mind, what we're thinking. But when someone else does a lot of times, we're judgmental that when they share their truth, you speak your truth. I speak my truth, but do you judge my truth? This is where that judgment nonjudgmental attitude allows you.
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00:23:18] The freedom to express yourself. Guys. I can remember that with my father. It was very difficult to express myself because I knew my father would be extremely. Critical of my opinion or what I was thinking, but my grandfather had this big open heart in this big open mind and him. I could talk about absolutely everything I can remember as a teenager, having great discussions with my grandfather about drugs, sex, and rock, and roll and having the freedom just to talk things through with him.
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00:23:53] I admired him immensely for the fact that he gave me the strength and the freedom to share with him. And then her last point is this idea of being generous of giving more than you needed to have walking that extra mile for someone, or when someone says need a buck, you gave him two when someone needs a coat that you gave them, not only your coat, but you gave him your scarf.
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00:24:21] That idea of being. Generous. These were the seven elements of what she believes create. Trust your boundaries, your reliability, your accountability, your ability to keep the vault closed, your integrity, the ability to be nonjudgmental, and the ability to be generous and give.
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00:24:45]Now, there are three key places that, from communication, I want to build, give you some practical things to do. There is a study by Albert Mehrabian on linguistics and communications professor from UCLA. It's an older study, but I think the study is still relevant. He took a video camera and filmed people.
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00:25:10] In one-to-one situations, public situations, academic situations, political situations to figure out what caused people to trust and believe in what they were saying. He found that there were three key areas that you and I, as a listener and focused in on the first was the verbal words on a page. So if I sent you an email, you'd be getting words on a page.
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00:25:37] Now, if I color-coded it, capitalize it or underline it. You could infer context to it. I'm just talking about the words on a page.
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00:25:46]The second major bucket was vocal. This is not what you say, guys. This is how you say it. Maybe you've said to a child, or your parents said to you, it's not what you say. It's how you say it. It's your pitch. It's your tone. It's your volume; it's your rate. And then there's the visual perspective. What do you see?
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00:26:12] So what I would like to do is look at each one of those and just offer some thoughts. So let's go to the very first one about building trust visually. I want you to remember that people buy what they see before they buy what they hear; they buy what they see before they buy what they hear. If you followed my podcast in any way, shape, or form, you have probably heard me say that a million times.
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00:26:39] Now. Here's what I want you to do in that context. I want you to build your mental real estate. Here's what I mean by mental real estate. I want you to think about you get a meeting invite. It could be a meeting, listen to a talk or go to a presentation and you look at who it's from, and you go, I would rather die than go to that.
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00:27:02] Or are there other people that you get that invite from or get invited to listen to them speak? And you think I don't want to miss that for the world. How about from a faith-based perspective, you get the agenda, that's going to happen at church, see who's preaching, or who's going to be speaking or sharing the homily, whatever it may happen to be.
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00:27:21] And you think, ah, I think we can skip Sunday, but there might be someone else who's giving the sermon or the homily, or they're talking you go, I don't want to miss that. There are politicians that we might have an opportunity to listen to. Hear them speak, and you go, I want to go. And there are others that you say I could care less.
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00:27:42] That is mental real estate in an instantaneous moment. You decided on whether to go or not go. So my challenge to all of us is what kind of mental real estate you have built when you call a meeting at work? Do people go? I'm going to pass or do they say; I don't want to miss it cause I know it's going to be good.
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00:28:08] Do you have that kind of mental real estate? When you're going to share with a friend, you have the mental real estate in their mind that you will bring value. You've probably got a best friend that when you have a challenge or a problem that you always go to because they're, they're a good sounding board.
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00:28:24] They have good mental real estate. That's because you trust them. The second. Anything you want to do is be able to reduce distractions. Now, there are three main distraction buckets. I want you to think about distractions. You create distractions your listeners may have, and the distractions the environment has.
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00:28:46] So when I talk about distractions that are yours, I'm talking about your arms and your eyes. Do you do some type of a tick that you don't even know that you're aware of? Do you keep your hands directly in front of you do for you, ladies? Do you brush your hair back all the time, guys? Do you keep your hands in your pockets all the time?
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00:29:07] Do you fidget with your wedding ring? All those things become distractions. There's their distractions, their cell phone. It's on the table in front of them, their workload. A problem at home, a problem at work. It's the holiday season. All those are natural distractions that are happening in your listener's mind.
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00:29:33] And the third is then the environment, someone walking in and out, summing getting up and down out of a Pew at church you're at school, the bell goes off. Those are all environmental kinds of destruction. The room's too warm, the warm, the room's too cold. All you can do is reduce those distractions. Now, guys, you can never hit zero, but it should be your goal to reduce those distractions as much as you possibly can.
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00:30:07] And then visually, last but not least, one of my favorite ideas, one of my favorite concepts, every single thing counts. Every single thing counts; what you don't think counts. This includes your dress. This includes your behavior. This includes your message. This includes how you're seated, how you're standing.
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00:30:27] This includes how you respond. This includes how your email. This is how you get on the phone. This is how you walk down the hallway and interact with someone. Every single thing counts. But guys, if you're going to have the philosophy, it's only when I present. If that's your philosophy, instead of how I communicate, you're going to miss the Mark.
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00:30:52] The majority of your communication is that interpersonal communication, presenting public speaking, that's a small, small percentage of what you do on a day to day basis. So there are some ideas on building trust visually. Now let's take a look at building that trust from a verbal perspective. Now, this is just the words, right guys; this is your content.
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00:31:18] Now I shared this with you, and maybe you didn't catch it, but a confused mind will always say, no, I want to add one more thing to that. And that's always continue the conversation in their head. Advertisers are brilliant at this idea. So think about the week between Christmas and new years, and we really, you could look at the week after new year's probably what's the number one ad you're going to hear about if you made the guests of fitness'd be correct.
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00:31:53] Jim's advertising. Discounted rates to join. And the reason they're pushing their ads during that time is that you're thinking about your news, your new year's resolution. This is a year I'm going to get in shape. This is a year I'm going to change the way I eat. All they're doing is continuing the conversation in your head.
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00:32:13] So you're far more receptive to it. But the only way for you and I in business to think about that is that we've made our discovery. We had a conversation with the customer and began to pick apart and understand what they're thinking about, what they're feeling, what their issues are, what their concerns are.
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00:32:32] Then the rest of it is if you followed me, it's your content structure, it's your choice of words. Meaning getting rid of jargon, it's words that are simple and easy to understand. It's back to that idea that we need to speak at an eighth-grade level. Some organizations will tell you at a fifth-grade level.
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00:32:53] Now, if you're dealing with a Ph.D. audience, I want you to do a Ph.D. vocabulary. I'm talking sentence structure. It has to be simple. And this is taking a paradigm shift from a medium to a long sentence, to a short, to a medium sentence. And for most folks, that's uncomfortable because you go Bart. I sound like I'm talking to a two-year-old those sentences.
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00:33:16] Like when you read to your child, see Jane run, watch spot follow to you. It sounds over simplified. To a listener, it's crisp; it's clean. It's easy to understand no pushback, no confusion. And then the last thing you want to do is your competency. And what I mean by that are your personal stories, your experiences, and your examples.
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00:33:42] This is what makes you real. This is what makes you a thematic in the way you come across.
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00:33:48]Now that only leaves one more bucket, and that's building your trust vocally, meaning how you say it. And it's what I call the power. Five. Number one, the power of the pause. You've got to give people an opportunity to absorb what you're saying. Now. Most people have this gut-level reaction. If I pause, some will interrupt me.
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00:34:12] I hear that a lot from women—number two. If I pause, people will perceive that I don't know what I'm talking about, but the power of the pause creates the exact opposite effect. It people, it puts people on the edge of their seat, wanting to know what you're going to say next. Think about Martin Luther King.
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00:34:35] Remember when he said I have a dream, and he paused. And you waited 250,000 people waited, Dr. King, what's your dream? What's your dream. And then he told them, think about John F. Kennedy, John F. Kennedy said, ask not what your country can do for you. He paused. And then he said, ask what you can do for your country.
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00:35:02] That pause made those two sentences pop and came to life. The second of the power of five is the power of listening. I just came across a quote today that said no one ever listened themselves out of a sale that just made me chuckle. Most of us talk ourselves out of a sale, but we never listen out of a sale.
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00:35:29] Most of us do more talking than we do listening, but in the business world, if you want to do trust, if you want to build trust with your relationships, you have to be able to listen. We are far too quick to want to respond and make a comment instead of just let them talk. Now, the power of listening leads you right to the power of questioning, which is your third of the power five.
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00:35:52] Asking the right questions, asking questions that show that you're listening, that you're listening. I always love the story of the mom that was with her children. And she's got. That's nice. Good for you. And the child finally comes back and says, mom, what did I just say? And she goes, Oh my gosh, I have no idea what my child has told me.
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00:36:13] Number one, she wasn't listening. And she wasn't asking questions and follow up. The fourth is the power of your voice. And this is your rate, your volume, your inflection, your pitch, and tone, and the power of the pause. Those five things make up the power of your voice—we under utilize that skillset. If you look at actors and actresses, they use it.
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00:36:40]if you'll think about going back in history, president Reagan leave politics out of the whole conversation guys, but think about how he used his voice. He was known as the great communicator of the last millennium, but he learned those skills from acting. He knew what the power of his voice could do, and he used it to inspire us.
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00:37:02] And then there's just the power of conversation, not the power of presentation conversation. If you think about presentation, you put yourself on a performance mode, and if you put yourself on a performance mode, you're on a treadmill. And if you put yourself on the treadmill, it's all about being perfect because you've got to perform, and then you lose the whole power of conversation.
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00:37:26] Those make the biggest difference in the way you come across. Guys, I have to come back to what I opened with, and that's this idea. It is critical that you build your trust factor. Do not leave it to whim. Do not take that whole idea seriously if just not in your relationships with the people you love the most and with your children.
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00:37:54] What I'm asking you to do is think through some of the things I've shared with you today and find one place: one, the thing I've shared that you could begin to build and strengthen your trust factor. I want to make sure over the long haul that you deepen your relationships; you strengthen your relationships, you build the kind of loyalty and trust that you want.
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00:38:20] And you deepen that connection with the people you care about most, this is Bart queen. This has been the remarkability Institute.