Hey everybody, welcome back to the Second Chance Queen podcast.
We are now on episode four and today we're gonna talk about something that is a major
green
up until this point, I've talked about my journey and all the mistreatment that I
went through.
I've talked about my husband and how we met and now
three years down the road and I think it's really important to talk about the things
that keep a relationship healthy and successful.
So as part of the Second Chance Queen podcast, I'm gonna have some episodes that
I'm going to title green flag episodes.
And tonight's green flag episode is centered around effort.
effort is something that
think it's safe to say
99 % of women find attractive.
It's the random flowers.
It's the remembering something that you liked at the grocery store and getting it
for you.
It's the just the small acts that acknowledge us as women and what we like
and show that a man's paying attention to
I know for me personally, after being in 10 years of bare minimal effort, if not
less than bare minimal effort, being with somebody that made effort was a huge thing
for me.
And so I'm actually going to show you, this is very personal, but I'm going to
show you the most important thing that my husband does that really
his love for me, it made me feel really special.
And so every year I do a similar TikTok where I show this, but this is something
that he's stuck with for three years now, ever since he moved down to Florida to be
with me.
And that is the sticky note effort that he
is three years of sticky notes, which is crazy.
But just just look, I mean, I can't even pick all of these up.
I mean, I'm going to drop them everywhere.
Each color is a different color when he switches, you know, packs of sticky notes.
because he goes through so many of them.
And I have literally like every color of the rainbow in this box.
And it's not just one sticky note a day.
It's three sticky notes every morning without a due.
And what makes that so impressive to me is the fact that my husband gets up for work
at 2 .30 to 2:45 in the morning because his shift starts at four.
45 minutes away from home.
So the fact that my husband does these sticky notes, he literally has not missed
a day that he's working ever.
And when I was on maternity leave with our daughter, there was one thing that I
mentioned that I lost my sense of normalcy with.
having my daughter because I didn't
the sticky notes
So something that was super important to me was when I was on maternity leave with
our daughter, I mentioned that because he wasn't going to work, my husband took off
six weeks to be with me after the birth of our daughter and to help.
And I had just briefly mentioned that I kind of lost my sense of normalcy a little
bit and I missed the sticky notes because that was something that, you know, I had
at that point for over a year, a year and a half.
consistently.
And the very next morning, I woke up that morning to three sticky notes.
And so I mentioned that because it's not just the effort of the three sticky notes
every morning when he works.
It's listening to me.
And the fact that I mentioned something that you know, I was missing at the time I
was hormonal, I just given birth.
you know, and I just needed that familiarity back.
And he did it without me saying, you're like, hey, can you start writing me sticky
notes
effort is something that all women, I think, want.
And it's really important to women.
And it's something that you should not settle.
If you're wanting effort,
wait until you find a man that will write you three sticky notes at three o 'clock
in the morning every day because you deserve that.
And so in order to dive in a little bit more about effort I'm going to bring on a
special guest and
Hello, darling.
So tonight's episode is a green flag episode and the topic is effort.
So, as I'm sure you can imagine, there's something that's sitting in my lap in my
hands right now.
If you could think of something that I have on my lap that shows effort in a
relationship, what do think I have in my hands?
Don't you dare cheat!
sticky note box by
is the sticky note box.
So I felt like the sticky note box is the perfect way to demonstrate not only effort
but consistent effort because it's something that you've now done for three
years and you tell me all the time that I'll be getting sticky notes until I die.
We probably keep Post -It notes and sticky notes in business at this point.
But also, I've told the story about when I gave birth and you were off for paternity
leave and I mentioned that I missed the sticky notes and the next morning they
reappeared and they continued until
you went back to work and then they kept going.
Tonight we're gonna talk about effort.
And I think it is very important to get a man's perspective on this too.
So
I guess my first question would be, do men find effort as important as women do?
How I look at it is a guy will find effort important to the right
for women, like if a man, if he wants to, he will, essentially.
And so do men look at it the same way?
Is it like if she wants to, she will or or do you find that
part of your role in the
I could kind of go a little bit of both ways, like the guy is generally the
chaser, like he's the one doing all the little things to like get her attention
and once he has it to keep it.
mean, effort from a woman to a man, there is not a man on the planet that would not
appreciate it.
There is not a good man on the planet that would not appreciate it.
but I wouldn't necessarily say it's
I if requirements is the right word, a necessity.
It's kind of like a plus, like a little addition.
We have a motto in our marriage, I feel like, and we hate the phrase 50 -50, that
you should both put 50 -50 into a relationship.
Because first of all, you should both put 100%.
Like, in an ideal situation, you're both putting in 100%.
But there's also a lot of situations where I can only give 5%.
and you, without hesitation, will pick up 95%.
You'll put in 95 and I will put in five.
Do you think that's part of why our marriage is so successful?
Because we're always equaling 100, whether or not we can both give it or if it's give
and take.
I would definitely say it's a very big factor.
I mean like if you're having one of your off days where you're at that 5 % but I'm
half assing it at 50 still it's not gonna go well.
I think that's pretty safe to say for any relationship.
feel like we have those days every once in a while where I'm giving like 10 and
you're like, and then usually it winds up in a conversation because, you know, a
relationship is 100 % work all of the
feel like definitely something that makes
successful as a couple is the fact that we don't keep score with percentages either.
I'm not like, oh my god, I've had to be 80 % and you've been 20 % and you've reached
your quota of like a week of this or vice versa because more often than not, I will
completely admit this, I'm at like 20 % and he is at like 80.
And that's just, it's terrible.
But I find myself stretched.
in a lot of the time and you are definitely the slack picker -upper in our
relationship.
record for the viewers, she has a hell of a lot more on her plate than I do on
So anybody that doesn't know our dynamic, we own a business together.
I own my own business that I run completely separate from that, which is a
management firm that manages properties in our area.
And then I have a podcast and I do modeling.
I'm a pageant queen.
I volunteer.
I am kind of all over the place and I'm also mother.
of three and James is the best.
you're not a stay at home dad because you work obviously, but you're the best
partner for someone in my situation because you're so willing to pick up the
slack and you're able to, you're available to.
You are up before the sun rises, you're home early enough so that by the time the
older kids get off of school you're already home and...
then you can help with dinner and cleaning and all of that stuff.
So you're definitely in a fortunate position where our schedules allow for you
to be such a hands -on partner.
But there's definitely guilt that comes with being the partner that's at 20
to anybody listening, if you're the partner giving the higher percent on the
off days, don't say anything to make them feel guilty.
I spent half of those days reassuring her that it's not a problem.
Yeah, don't do that.
I can tell you as the partner that's carrying or not carrying, I'm contributing
less a lot of days, I carry enough guilt.
So don't guilt your partner because everybody goes through things, whether
it's being busy.
externally, you know, with a job or kids or, you know, different personal
endeavors, or it's mentally and it's internally and they just don't have the
bandwidth, it still affects the person.
Obviously, no one wants to show up giving less than 100%.
That's not how anybody wants to approach a relationship.
So being understanding of your partners and communicating with them for sure.
about what your bandwidth is and where you're at.
I know personally, I will take accountability here and say that I'm very
guilty about not communicating where my bandwidth is at because, you know, some
days I just mentally am and not, I've joked in certain situations that I'm part
of the mental alphabet, ADHD.
OCD, PTSD, PMDD, as we recently found out.
So there's, you know, two weeks out of the month that I can go a little haywire and I
get overwhelmed and don't necessarily always communicate to my partner that, my
bandwidth is running low.
I do not have wifi right now.
I need you to kind of like, you know, be patient with me.
So that's something that I'm going to try and work on going forward because it's not
fair to you to have to put in 80 % without, you know, that communication
saying, hey, like, here's where I'm at.
I like to shut down on you.
So I apologize for that.
Just a little
Definitely communicating with your partner if you're unable to show up at 100%.
So they know kind of where you're at
from the partner perspective, definitely not guilt tripping is really important.
Also, if you don't know them, figure out how to recognize the partner's cues, the
little things that tell you
I feel like I hide it really well, but apparently I don't because I get told all
the time, you know, or I'll get asked what's going on.
And I'm like, nothing.
And he's like, no, there's something going on.
And I'm like, I'm fine.
And he's like, no, no, no, I'm picking up on something.
And I'm like, okay, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So he does pick up my cues a lot faster than I will let on sometimes.
But that's
That's just something that I guess communication comes into play.
I feel like, and we will have a green flag episode entirely on communication in the
future, because I think that is super important and a huge part of our
relationship.
But not only communication, but comprehension.
Everybody thinks that communication is the key to relationships, and it's not.
It is not communication.
It's comprehension.
Because you can tell someone until you are blue in the face what you need or what
you're feeling or what you're thinking.
If they're not receptive and they're not listening and hearing you, you're wasting
your time.
I'm
is pretty much useless at that point.
Yeah, I'm gonna put that out there right now and say, you can be listening to
someone without hearing them.
And something that we definitely try to do is make sure that we're always hearing the
other person.
Whether we agree or not, that's like completely separate, but we're always
hearing what the other person has to say.
what is there, I wanna know a specific instance in our relationship, in our
marriage that I have made effort for something that has had a big impact on
you.
If you can think of one of the things that I've done for you where you were like,
this effort is crazy, what would you say was like a huge thing for
I would honestly have to say like your gifts, whether it's a little surprise gift
or for birthday, Christmas, whatever, like the amount of thought and like personal,
like personal detail that goes into them.
It's not just like you go to Walmart or Target and get me some random thing or off
Amazon or something.
Like you put personal thought into all of
I do, which I think is hysterical.
And you know why I think that's hysterical?
Because GIFs are my lowest love language, which we will get into love languages on a
different episode because that is an entire episode by itself.
But love languages and gifts, gifts is my number five.
Like if I take the test right now, it's going to tell you that GIFs are not my
love language.
But
I do put a ton of effort into gifts, so I see why you say that.
Because I'm not gonna go to a store and buy someone a gift.
If I do, there's a reason why I'm buying you that gift.
honestly brings us back to like the sticky notes because your birthday was a couple
days ago and
I love the sticky notes.
So for his birthday, I did, it was his big dirty 30, and I put 30 sticky notes with
30 things that I love about him or reasons why I love him out in the garage on his
work cabinet because he loves being in the garage.
So I feel like the sticky notes came full circle because you leave me three every
day and you got 30 once a year.
That seems fair.
That seems really even.
you to follow
That's definitely really,
30 versus 260.
Who gets the better deal out of that?
This girl does.
But yeah, anyway, the sticky notes are definitely a huge thing.
That's not by all means, that is
all you do for me because I could probably sit here and list things that you do for
me effort -wise.
If I'm having a bad day, I've come home to gift baskets that he has made with tissues
because he knows I'm crying and my favorite snacks and breathe right strips
because my nose likes to not cooperate and when I cry, I can't breathe.
So he got me Breathe Right strips so that I could breathe.
And chocolate.
I've come home a million times and there'll be chocolate and flowers.
And you've even ordered me flowers to be delivered for, you know, random occasions
that are not just holidays.
So effort is definitely your thing.
you should write a class on making effort for women because I mean you really
should.
It's crazy.
Husband 101 chapter one effort.
But I definitely I love shouting you out for that because it's as I said earlier in
the episode before I started interviewing you that is one of the most
attractive things to women.
And I think 99 % of women would agree that effort is one of the most important things
that we can Where would you say if a guy was taking your husband 101 class, right?
And he wanted to start with
What would be his first step in your effort class?
What would be the first thing you'd suggest to
he says, okay, I want to start showing effort for her.
What does he have to do?
What is the very first thing?
mean it all kind of depends on the woman, but it could be as simple as just sitting
down and watching her favorite show with her, even if it's something you can't
stand.
Randomly bringing her her favorite candy or snack or whatever she's into.
You're missing the most important thing here though.
You're saying her.
Most men, if you're starting from ground zero and you are like, want to take care
of this woman, you have to know her.
That needs to be your first step in your effort class because so many people don't
know who they're married to.
I mean, there's a
thing going on right now, who the F did I marry?
And I mean, that's accurate.
There's a lot of cases of that.
that is like the biggest thing is the first step I would say is figure out who
you're with.
What does she like?
What does she, what matters to her?
What makes her tick?
And the same thing with women, with our men, you know?
I'd say the first step if you really want a successful relationship and a successful
marriage
figuring out who you're with, learning your partner and knowing their favorite
things, knowing what makes them tick, know what sets them off, all of those little
things.
Because if you don't know them...
both the good and bad.
Like learning her favorites, learning her hated, like don't just focus on the good.
As you'll accidentally stumble across one of the bad someday.
But not only knowing her, I'd say knowing your partner is definitely the first step.
The second step is, would say, and correct me if I'm wrong, not over committing
yourself.
Because I feel like that is like the kiss of death with men is a woman will get with
a man and he will make all of this effort in the beginning of their relationship and
their marriage and then come to find out he,
goes in at 150 % but that's not sustainable for anybody.
Yeah, you burn yourself out.
So my recommendation would be don't and that this is something that I said to you
very early on in our relationship.
I think we had only been talking for a couple days and I said to you, do not
start anything that you do not intend to continue.
throughout the course of our relationship, whatever this is, because, and it was
something that I was very clear about.
I specifically said, do not start anything with me that you cannot maintain, because
I do not wanna be swept off my feet only to be dropped on my ass.
And you have lived up to your word.
I mean, you have not dropped me on my ass.
But I'd say definitely don't start anything that you can't continue.
If you had started this sticky note tradition, I thought for sure that I was
going to get sticky notes for a little while and then it would taper off.
And then the one year anniversary came around and you doing it.
and it was like, my God, he's still doing the sticky notes.
And then the two year anniversary came around and it was like, my God, he's still
doing sticky notes.
And now the three year anniversary has come around.
Yeah, and you're still doing sticky notes.
And I remember thinking, there's no way he's gonna remember to do this.
But you did and you've maintained it.
I don't think you've ever, if you were working, I don't think you missed it.
ones I've missed were like the days I woke up late and like had to get out of the
house right.
well.
That's pretty much it.
I gave you more credit because I said that you have a missed today.
So I mean, I guess you weren't in trouble.
So that kind of brings us to the third thing I would say.
So would say knowing your partner, not starting something that you can't
continue.
I think just being appreciative of your partner's efforts.
Oh, that is 100 % being appreciative because if you have someone that's putting
in all this effort and you don't appreciate it, not even reciprocate
because, yeah, because I'm not going to reciprocate 260 sticky notes a year.
I don't have the bandwidth for that.
Well, remember, multiply that by three.
Yeah.
Oh my god.
260 times 3.
So 780 sticky notes a year on
more.
Looking at the box, you got it, it looks like a hell of a lot
There's 780 times three in here
learning your partner, making the effort and not overshooting what you're able to
do and what you're able to be consistent about and also being appreciative of.
what your partner does and the effort that they do make.
Not necessarily reciprocating because like we said, sometimes it's 80 -20, sometimes
it's 50 -50, sometimes it's 100 -100.
I do try and make sure that you know that I appreciate all of the little things that
you do.
You da mom.
Cutabomb .com
And no matter what the guy says, that he doesn't need to thank you or whatever,
that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear
Yes.
But that also brings up the good point too of not doing, of doing things without
expectation.
So making effort without expectation of reciprocation or expectation of.
a reward for making the effort.
Because as a woman, I can tell you, if you did things with an expectation of payback,
it would kill it instantly.
I think I can speak for all women when I say that if you do something for me and
you expect something in return, that's not effort, that's a transaction.
And that's not...
Yeah, that's not something that women, we're not attracted to transactions.
If you are gonna give me sticky notes and I have to return something, that's not
okay.
And I think that's a trap that a lot of men fall into, if I'm being perfectly
honest.
It's here's everything that I'm doing for her, she needs to do something in return
for me.
Which 100%, you do need
reciprocate effort to your partner.
But it never should be, you did this so I should do that.
It should never be keeping score or obligatory.
It should be, this is how I'm showing up in making effort and this is how I'm
showing up in making effort.
And I think that's a huge part of love languages too.
And we'll get into that more in another episode.
But knowing your partner's love language is a huge thing.
you have to force yourself to do something in an effort.
Ooh, I like that.
If you have to force yourself to do something, it's not effort.
That is...
doing something for your partner, even if you're not a fan of it, but doing it so
it's something they don't have to deal with, that's one thing.
But doing something that you just really don't want to do and you just eventually
say screw it and do it just to do it, that ain't the same thing.
No.
I don't think it's received the same way.
You know, like if someone does something and they're dragging their feet on doing
it, it's not the same as someone that's willingly doing something.
willingly doing something you don't like is different than forcing yourself through
And I think that's really important too with effort.
Effort is not always like a show of something.
Effort can be emotionally being there.
Like if I go on a tirade in the car about Taylor Swift and how much I love her album
and talk about all these things with Taylor Swift, like one of my favorite
things about you is the effort that you make into listening and
just conversing with me about things.
Like if I show interest in something, you will actively want to know about it and...
and care.
So I feel like that's a big part of effort too, is not just doing things for your
partner and showing up physically, but also showing up emotionally and showing up
in a way that's interest based.
I'm sure you really loved watching the Heiress tour on the couch with me, like
three nights in a row, because we had to break it down.
Yeah, and now 20 times for Nora.
I mean, I have videos of us dancing to Shake It Off together because we made the
best of it.
So it's not just like doing things, it's spending time with your partner and just
showing up for them in the ways that they enjoy things, you know, like.
like letting them express their interest in something or their desire for
something.
And even if you don't really have a personal attachment to it, just
interacting with
Yeah, definitely.
So basically to recap on our first green flag episode of the show.
The first step for effort is knowing your partner.
Knowing your partner number one, making the effort number two, and not going above
and beyond what you're able to do so that you don't wind up burning yourself out.
And then
the partner showing appreciation for that effort, acknowledging that effort, and
then showing up in as many ways as possible, whether it's physically making
effort or emotionally making effort, physical effort, mental effort, it all,
you know, works out in the end and not expecting anything out of it because, like
I said, that's a transaction.
That's not effort.
One thing I want to add to this is if you find yourself in one of those rough
situations with your partner, whether it's just you guys aren't getting along for
whatever reason, you guys see an eye to eye for one reason or another, whatever
the deal is, you guys aren't in the greatest spot.
of you should have it in your head.
I'm just gonna wait for the other one to make the move to make things better.
Just make the move.
Don't sit there thinking that the other one has it in their head that they're
gonna make the move first.
Just do it.
Find something and just do
recap, effort is definitely something that I think is really important in any healthy
relationship as either the partner that's making the effort or the partner that's
receiving effort, making sure that you're showing up in your relationship, in your
marriage as much as you can is really important and it may not always
80, 20, it may be 50, 50, 100, 100.
It's whatever you and your partner are able to do.
But making sure that you're showing up, you're making the effort and you're being
the partner that your partner needs.
Because at the end of the day, marriage is, it's a relationship, it's a
commitment.
And love is not always a feeling, love is an action and love is a commitment.
I am super grateful that I got to have my husband on tonight's episode of Second
Chance Queen and we got to talk healthy relationships and the green flag of
tonight is
stay tuned for our next green
love languages.
because that is really the base of everything with a healthy relationship, in
my opinion.
Until next time, thank you for watching tonight's episode of the Second Chance
Queen podcast, and new episodes will be dropping every Wednesday and Saturday.