1 00:00:00,358 --> 00:00:04,761 Hey everybody, welcome back to the Second Chance Queen podcast. 2 00:00:04,761 --> 00:00:13,697 We are now on episode four and today we're gonna talk about something that is a major 3 00:00:13,697 --> 00:00:14,289 green 4 00:00:14,477 --> 00:00:19,900 up until this point, I've talked about my journey and all the mistreatment that I 5 00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:20,781 went through. 6 00:00:20,781 --> 00:00:26,725 I've talked about my husband and how we met and now 7 00:00:26,887 --> 00:00:31,899 three years down the road and I think it's really important to talk about the things 8 00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:35,460 that keep a relationship healthy and successful. 9 00:00:35,741 --> 00:00:41,613 So as part of the Second Chance Queen podcast, I'm gonna have some episodes that 10 00:00:41,613 --> 00:00:45,024 I'm going to title green flag episodes. 11 00:00:45,084 --> 00:00:49,746 And tonight's green flag episode is centered around effort. 12 00:00:50,867 --> 00:00:52,680 effort is something that 13 00:00:53,031 --> 00:00:54,496 think it's safe to say 14 00:00:54,541 --> 00:00:57,867 99 % of women find attractive. 15 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:02,020 It's the random flowers. 16 00:01:02,180 --> 00:01:09,220 It's the remembering something that you liked at the grocery store and getting it 17 00:01:09,220 --> 00:01:10,260 for you. 18 00:01:10,260 --> 00:01:16,440 It's the just the small acts that acknowledge us as women and what we like 19 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,690 and show that a man's paying attention to 20 00:01:18,902 --> 00:01:27,042 I know for me personally, after being in 10 years of bare minimal effort, if not 21 00:01:27,042 --> 00:01:34,402 less than bare minimal effort, being with somebody that made effort was a huge thing 22 00:01:34,402 --> 00:01:35,662 for me. 23 00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:39,582 And so I'm actually going to show you, this is very personal, but I'm going to 24 00:01:39,582 --> 00:01:48,022 show you the most important thing that my husband does that really 25 00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:53,213 his love for me, it made me feel really special. 26 00:01:53,333 --> 00:01:59,586 And so every year I do a similar TikTok where I show this, but this is something 27 00:01:59,586 --> 00:02:05,458 that he's stuck with for three years now, ever since he moved down to Florida to be 28 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:06,438 with me. 29 00:02:06,579 --> 00:02:11,550 And that is the sticky note effort that he 30 00:02:11,610 --> 00:02:17,753 is three years of sticky notes, which is crazy. 31 00:02:17,753 --> 00:02:24,546 But just just look, I mean, I can't even pick all of these up. 32 00:02:24,546 --> 00:02:27,337 I mean, I'm going to drop them everywhere. 33 00:02:27,337 --> 00:02:37,133 Each color is a different color when he switches, you know, packs of sticky notes. 34 00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:38,913 because he goes through so many of them. 35 00:02:38,913 --> 00:02:44,813 And I have literally like every color of the rainbow in this box. 36 00:02:46,193 --> 00:02:51,633 And it's not just one sticky note a day. 37 00:02:51,633 --> 00:02:57,093 It's three sticky notes every morning without a due. 38 00:02:57,153 --> 00:03:01,033 And what makes that so impressive to me is the fact that my husband gets up for work 39 00:03:01,033 --> 00:03:05,933 at 2 .30 to 2:45 in the morning because his shift starts at four. 40 00:03:05,933 --> 00:03:07,933 45 minutes away from home. 41 00:03:08,293 --> 00:03:17,673 So the fact that my husband does these sticky notes, he literally has not missed 42 00:03:17,673 --> 00:03:21,593 a day that he's working ever. 43 00:03:21,933 --> 00:03:29,953 And when I was on maternity leave with our daughter, there was one thing that I 44 00:03:29,953 --> 00:03:35,673 mentioned that I lost my sense of normalcy with. 45 00:03:35,681 --> 00:03:40,393 having my daughter because I didn't 46 00:03:40,939 --> 00:03:42,315 the sticky notes 47 00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:48,890 So something that was super important to me was when I was on maternity leave with 48 00:03:48,890 --> 00:03:54,241 our daughter, I mentioned that because he wasn't going to work, my husband took off 49 00:03:54,241 --> 00:03:58,592 six weeks to be with me after the birth of our daughter and to help. 50 00:03:58,592 --> 00:04:04,014 And I had just briefly mentioned that I kind of lost my sense of normalcy a little 51 00:04:04,014 --> 00:04:08,895 bit and I missed the sticky notes because that was something that, you know, I had 52 00:04:08,895 --> 00:04:12,056 at that point for over a year, a year and a half. 53 00:04:12,770 --> 00:04:14,120 consistently. 54 00:04:14,301 --> 00:04:20,643 And the very next morning, I woke up that morning to three sticky notes. 55 00:04:20,823 --> 00:04:29,707 And so I mentioned that because it's not just the effort of the three sticky notes 56 00:04:29,707 --> 00:04:31,948 every morning when he works. 57 00:04:31,988 --> 00:04:34,669 It's listening to me. 58 00:04:34,689 --> 00:04:40,451 And the fact that I mentioned something that you know, I was missing at the time I 59 00:04:40,451 --> 00:04:42,476 was hormonal, I just given birth. 60 00:04:42,476 --> 00:04:47,818 you know, and I just needed that familiarity back. 61 00:04:48,619 --> 00:04:54,351 And he did it without me saying, you're like, hey, can you start writing me sticky 62 00:04:54,351 --> 00:04:55,953 notes 63 00:04:56,137 --> 00:05:00,939 effort is something that all women, I think, want. 64 00:05:00,939 --> 00:05:03,300 And it's really important to women. 65 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:06,441 And it's something that you should not settle. 66 00:05:06,902 --> 00:05:10,197 If you're wanting effort, 67 00:05:10,197 --> 00:05:16,192 wait until you find a man that will write you three sticky notes at three o 'clock 68 00:05:16,192 --> 00:05:20,475 in the morning every day because you deserve that. 69 00:05:20,776 --> 00:05:26,511 And so in order to dive in a little bit more about effort I'm going to bring on a 70 00:05:26,511 --> 00:05:29,043 special guest and 71 00:05:33,221 --> 00:05:34,529 Hello, darling. 72 00:05:37,043 --> 00:05:48,138 So tonight's episode is a green flag episode and the topic is effort. 73 00:05:51,291 --> 00:05:56,584 So, as I'm sure you can imagine, there's something that's sitting in my lap in my 74 00:05:56,584 --> 00:05:58,055 hands right now. 75 00:05:58,055 --> 00:06:05,859 If you could think of something that I have on my lap that shows effort in a 76 00:06:05,859 --> 00:06:08,370 relationship, what do think I have in my hands? 77 00:06:08,370 --> 00:06:10,021 Don't you dare cheat! 78 00:06:13,947 --> 00:06:15,637 sticky note box by 79 00:06:16,860 --> 00:06:21,993 is the sticky note box. 80 00:06:21,993 --> 00:06:30,447 So I felt like the sticky note box is the perfect way to demonstrate not only effort 81 00:06:30,447 --> 00:06:36,361 but consistent effort because it's something that you've now done for three 82 00:06:36,361 --> 00:06:44,195 years and you tell me all the time that I'll be getting sticky notes until I die. 83 00:06:44,761 --> 00:06:52,938 We probably keep Post -It notes and sticky notes in business at this point. 84 00:06:52,938 --> 00:07:02,596 But also, I've told the story about when I gave birth and you were off for paternity 85 00:07:02,596 --> 00:07:10,423 leave and I mentioned that I missed the sticky notes and the next morning they 86 00:07:10,423 --> 00:07:13,187 reappeared and they continued until 87 00:07:13,187 --> 00:07:15,656 you went back to work and then they kept going. 88 00:07:16,468 --> 00:07:19,990 Tonight we're gonna talk about effort. 89 00:07:19,990 --> 00:07:28,844 And I think it is very important to get a man's perspective on this too. 90 00:07:28,844 --> 00:07:29,093 So 91 00:07:29,208 --> 00:07:37,582 I guess my first question would be, do men find effort as important as women do? 92 00:07:37,755 --> 00:07:45,304 How I look at it is a guy will find effort important to the right 93 00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:51,766 for women, like if a man, if he wants to, he will, essentially. 94 00:07:51,887 --> 00:07:54,689 And so do men look at it the same way? 95 00:07:54,689 --> 00:07:59,273 Is it like if she wants to, she will or or do you find that 96 00:08:00,168 --> 00:08:02,211 part of your role in the 97 00:08:03,103 --> 00:08:08,645 I could kind of go a little bit of both ways, like the guy is generally the 98 00:08:08,645 --> 00:08:15,807 chaser, like he's the one doing all the little things to like get her attention 99 00:08:15,807 --> 00:08:18,397 and once he has it to keep it. 100 00:08:19,698 --> 00:08:27,580 mean, effort from a woman to a man, there is not a man on the planet that would not 101 00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:28,220 appreciate it. 102 00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:33,667 There is not a good man on the planet that would not appreciate it. 103 00:08:33,667 --> 00:08:39,845 but I wouldn't necessarily say it's 104 00:08:39,845 --> 00:08:43,244 I if requirements is the right word, a necessity. 105 00:08:43,244 --> 00:08:47,547 It's kind of like a plus, like a little addition. 106 00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:57,501 We have a motto in our marriage, I feel like, and we hate the phrase 50 -50, that 107 00:08:57,501 --> 00:09:01,561 you should both put 50 -50 into a relationship. 108 00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:06,141 Because first of all, you should both put 100%. 109 00:09:06,141 --> 00:09:10,761 Like, in an ideal situation, you're both putting in 100%. 110 00:09:10,761 --> 00:09:16,961 But there's also a lot of situations where I can only give 5%. 111 00:09:17,033 --> 00:09:21,733 and you, without hesitation, will pick up 95%. 112 00:09:21,733 --> 00:09:26,073 You'll put in 95 and I will put in five. 113 00:09:26,073 --> 00:09:31,413 Do you think that's part of why our marriage is so successful? 114 00:09:31,413 --> 00:09:40,253 Because we're always equaling 100, whether or not we can both give it or if it's give 115 00:09:40,253 --> 00:09:41,273 and take. 116 00:09:41,696 --> 00:09:47,800 I would definitely say it's a very big factor. 117 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,960 I mean like if you're having one of your off days where you're at that 5 % but I'm 118 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:59,668 half assing it at 50 still it's not gonna go well. 119 00:09:59,668 --> 00:10:03,113 I think that's pretty safe to say for any relationship. 120 00:10:03,113 --> 00:10:09,093 feel like we have those days every once in a while where I'm giving like 10 and 121 00:10:09,093 --> 00:10:18,193 you're like, and then usually it winds up in a conversation because, you know, a 122 00:10:18,193 --> 00:10:21,208 relationship is 100 % work all of the 123 00:10:21,502 --> 00:10:24,867 feel like definitely something that makes 124 00:10:24,867 --> 00:10:31,667 successful as a couple is the fact that we don't keep score with percentages either. 125 00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:37,847 I'm not like, oh my god, I've had to be 80 % and you've been 20 % and you've reached 126 00:10:37,847 --> 00:10:43,867 your quota of like a week of this or vice versa because more often than not, I will 127 00:10:43,867 --> 00:10:48,287 completely admit this, I'm at like 20 % and he is at like 80. 128 00:10:48,287 --> 00:10:51,607 And that's just, it's terrible. 129 00:10:51,727 --> 00:10:54,524 But I find myself stretched. 130 00:10:54,524 --> 00:11:02,432 in a lot of the time and you are definitely the slack picker -upper in our 131 00:11:02,432 --> 00:11:03,774 relationship. 132 00:11:04,951 --> 00:11:09,772 record for the viewers, she has a hell of a lot more on her plate than I do on 133 00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:18,130 So anybody that doesn't know our dynamic, we own a business together. 134 00:11:18,130 --> 00:11:23,532 I own my own business that I run completely separate from that, which is a 135 00:11:23,532 --> 00:11:28,823 management firm that manages properties in our area. 136 00:11:28,823 --> 00:11:32,554 And then I have a podcast and I do modeling. 137 00:11:32,554 --> 00:11:33,694 I'm a pageant queen. 138 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:34,715 I volunteer. 139 00:11:34,715 --> 00:11:39,944 I am kind of all over the place and I'm also mother. 140 00:11:39,944 --> 00:11:44,837 of three and James is the best. 141 00:11:46,654 --> 00:11:52,439 you're not a stay at home dad because you work obviously, but you're the best 142 00:11:52,599 --> 00:11:57,343 partner for someone in my situation because you're so willing to pick up the 143 00:11:57,343 --> 00:12:01,127 slack and you're able to, you're available to. 144 00:12:01,127 --> 00:12:10,154 You are up before the sun rises, you're home early enough so that by the time the 145 00:12:10,154 --> 00:12:13,217 older kids get off of school you're already home and... 146 00:12:15,522 --> 00:12:19,982 then you can help with dinner and cleaning and all of that stuff. 147 00:12:19,982 --> 00:12:24,262 So you're definitely in a fortunate position where our schedules allow for you 148 00:12:24,262 --> 00:12:26,202 to be such a hands -on partner. 149 00:12:26,322 --> 00:12:31,933 But there's definitely guilt that comes with being the partner that's at 20 150 00:12:32,238 --> 00:12:36,654 to anybody listening, if you're the partner giving the higher percent on the 151 00:12:36,654 --> 00:12:40,358 off days, don't say anything to make them feel guilty. 152 00:12:40,699 --> 00:12:44,704 I spent half of those days reassuring her that it's not a problem. 153 00:12:46,202 --> 00:12:48,423 Yeah, don't do that. 154 00:12:50,384 --> 00:12:57,718 I can tell you as the partner that's carrying or not carrying, I'm contributing 155 00:12:57,718 --> 00:13:02,251 less a lot of days, I carry enough guilt. 156 00:13:02,251 --> 00:13:08,034 So don't guilt your partner because everybody goes through things, whether 157 00:13:08,034 --> 00:13:09,495 it's being busy. 158 00:13:09,683 --> 00:13:17,843 externally, you know, with a job or kids or, you know, different personal 159 00:13:17,843 --> 00:13:22,083 endeavors, or it's mentally and it's internally and they just don't have the 160 00:13:22,083 --> 00:13:26,143 bandwidth, it still affects the person. 161 00:13:26,143 --> 00:13:29,423 Obviously, no one wants to show up giving less than 100%. 162 00:13:29,423 --> 00:13:32,903 That's not how anybody wants to approach a relationship. 163 00:13:32,923 --> 00:13:39,557 So being understanding of your partners and communicating with them for sure. 164 00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:41,989 about what your bandwidth is and where you're at. 165 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:46,972 I know personally, I will take accountability here and say that I'm very 166 00:13:46,972 --> 00:13:56,729 guilty about not communicating where my bandwidth is at because, you know, some 167 00:13:56,729 --> 00:14:03,884 days I just mentally am and not, I've joked in certain situations that I'm part 168 00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:07,426 of the mental alphabet, ADHD. 169 00:14:08,185 --> 00:14:16,441 OCD, PTSD, PMDD, as we recently found out. 170 00:14:16,602 --> 00:14:27,872 So there's, you know, two weeks out of the month that I can go a little haywire and I 171 00:14:27,872 --> 00:14:34,927 get overwhelmed and don't necessarily always communicate to my partner that, my 172 00:14:34,927 --> 00:14:37,139 bandwidth is running low. 173 00:14:37,235 --> 00:14:40,155 I do not have wifi right now. 174 00:14:40,155 --> 00:14:44,195 I need you to kind of like, you know, be patient with me. 175 00:14:44,195 --> 00:14:48,635 So that's something that I'm going to try and work on going forward because it's not 176 00:14:48,635 --> 00:14:54,195 fair to you to have to put in 80 % without, you know, that communication 177 00:14:54,195 --> 00:14:56,755 saying, hey, like, here's where I'm at. 178 00:14:57,655 --> 00:14:59,215 I like to shut down on you. 179 00:14:59,215 --> 00:15:01,615 So I apologize for that. 180 00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:06,067 Just a little 181 00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:13,267 Definitely communicating with your partner if you're unable to show up at 100%. 182 00:15:13,267 --> 00:15:16,141 So they know kind of where you're at 183 00:15:16,386 --> 00:15:23,378 from the partner perspective, definitely not guilt tripping is really important. 184 00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:31,943 Also, if you don't know them, figure out how to recognize the partner's cues, the 185 00:15:31,943 --> 00:15:34,816 little things that tell you 186 00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:41,435 I feel like I hide it really well, but apparently I don't because I get told all 187 00:15:41,435 --> 00:15:45,158 the time, you know, or I'll get asked what's going on. 188 00:15:45,158 --> 00:15:46,139 And I'm like, nothing. 189 00:15:46,139 --> 00:15:48,591 And he's like, no, there's something going on. 190 00:15:48,591 --> 00:15:49,902 And I'm like, I'm fine. 191 00:15:49,902 --> 00:15:53,165 And he's like, no, no, no, I'm picking up on something. 192 00:15:53,165 --> 00:15:56,808 And I'm like, okay, blah, blah, blah, blah. 193 00:15:56,808 --> 00:16:04,994 So he does pick up my cues a lot faster than I will let on sometimes. 194 00:16:07,770 --> 00:16:08,326 But that's 195 00:16:08,591 --> 00:16:12,013 That's just something that I guess communication comes into play. 196 00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:17,937 I feel like, and we will have a green flag episode entirely on communication in the 197 00:16:17,937 --> 00:16:22,200 future, because I think that is super important and a huge part of our 198 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,062 relationship. 199 00:16:25,062 --> 00:16:28,164 But not only communication, but comprehension. 200 00:16:28,425 --> 00:16:34,449 Everybody thinks that communication is the key to relationships, and it's not. 201 00:16:34,449 --> 00:16:36,670 It is not communication. 202 00:16:36,670 --> 00:16:38,261 It's comprehension. 203 00:16:38,339 --> 00:16:44,642 Because you can tell someone until you are blue in the face what you need or what 204 00:16:44,642 --> 00:16:46,702 you're feeling or what you're thinking. 205 00:16:46,702 --> 00:16:55,546 If they're not receptive and they're not listening and hearing you, you're wasting 206 00:16:55,546 --> 00:16:56,566 your time. 207 00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:57,657 I'm 208 00:16:57,657 --> 00:16:59,513 is pretty much useless at that point. 209 00:17:00,035 --> 00:17:06,892 Yeah, I'm gonna put that out there right now and say, you can be listening to 210 00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:09,584 someone without hearing them. 211 00:17:10,126 --> 00:17:15,601 And something that we definitely try to do is make sure that we're always hearing the 212 00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:16,793 other person. 213 00:17:16,793 --> 00:17:20,657 Whether we agree or not, that's like completely separate, but we're always 214 00:17:20,657 --> 00:17:22,772 hearing what the other person has to say. 215 00:17:23,306 --> 00:17:30,613 what is there, I wanna know a specific instance in our relationship, in our 216 00:17:30,613 --> 00:17:36,628 marriage that I have made effort for something that has had a big impact on 217 00:17:36,628 --> 00:17:37,437 you. 218 00:17:37,437 --> 00:17:42,482 If you can think of one of the things that I've done for you where you were like, 219 00:17:42,703 --> 00:17:50,165 this effort is crazy, what would you say was like a huge thing for 220 00:17:50,433 --> 00:17:57,309 I would honestly have to say like your gifts, whether it's a little surprise gift 221 00:17:57,309 --> 00:18:07,277 or for birthday, Christmas, whatever, like the amount of thought and like personal, 222 00:18:09,019 --> 00:18:11,381 like personal detail that goes into them. 223 00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:15,254 It's not just like you go to Walmart or Target and get me some random thing or off 224 00:18:15,254 --> 00:18:16,035 Amazon or something. 225 00:18:16,035 --> 00:18:18,637 Like you put personal thought into all of 226 00:18:18,751 --> 00:18:21,672 I do, which I think is hysterical. 227 00:18:21,672 --> 00:18:23,383 And you know why I think that's hysterical? 228 00:18:23,383 --> 00:18:31,867 Because GIFs are my lowest love language, which we will get into love languages on a 229 00:18:31,867 --> 00:18:34,899 different episode because that is an entire episode by itself. 230 00:18:34,899 --> 00:18:38,920 But love languages and gifts, gifts is my number five. 231 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:42,662 Like if I take the test right now, it's going to tell you that GIFs are not my 232 00:18:42,662 --> 00:18:43,822 love language. 233 00:18:44,143 --> 00:18:44,943 But 234 00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:49,175 I do put a ton of effort into gifts, so I see why you say that. 235 00:18:49,175 --> 00:18:53,459 Because I'm not gonna go to a store and buy someone a gift. 236 00:18:53,459 --> 00:18:58,532 If I do, there's a reason why I'm buying you that gift. 237 00:18:58,927 --> 00:19:03,457 honestly brings us back to like the sticky notes because your birthday was a couple 238 00:19:03,457 --> 00:19:04,699 days ago and 239 00:19:05,498 --> 00:19:06,938 I love the sticky notes. 240 00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:14,438 So for his birthday, I did, it was his big dirty 30, and I put 30 sticky notes with 241 00:19:14,438 --> 00:19:19,898 30 things that I love about him or reasons why I love him out in the garage on his 242 00:19:19,898 --> 00:19:23,178 work cabinet because he loves being in the garage. 243 00:19:23,278 --> 00:19:29,538 So I feel like the sticky notes came full circle because you leave me three every 244 00:19:29,538 --> 00:19:32,098 day and you got 30 once a year. 245 00:19:32,098 --> 00:19:33,538 That seems fair. 246 00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:37,351 That seems really even. 247 00:19:37,351 --> 00:19:38,504 you to follow 248 00:19:41,470 --> 00:19:44,770 That's definitely really, 249 00:19:45,269 --> 00:19:47,349 30 versus 260. 250 00:19:47,749 --> 00:19:50,389 Who gets the better deal out of that? 251 00:19:51,069 --> 00:19:52,909 This girl does. 252 00:19:55,691 --> 00:20:01,929 But yeah, anyway, the sticky notes are definitely a huge thing. 253 00:20:01,929 --> 00:20:05,012 That's not by all means, that is 254 00:20:05,157 --> 00:20:11,599 all you do for me because I could probably sit here and list things that you do for 255 00:20:11,599 --> 00:20:13,319 me effort -wise. 256 00:20:13,820 --> 00:20:20,742 If I'm having a bad day, I've come home to gift baskets that he has made with tissues 257 00:20:20,742 --> 00:20:26,683 because he knows I'm crying and my favorite snacks and breathe right strips 258 00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:33,071 because my nose likes to not cooperate and when I cry, I can't breathe. 259 00:20:33,071 --> 00:20:36,423 So he got me Breathe Right strips so that I could breathe. 260 00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:38,864 And chocolate. 261 00:20:39,705 --> 00:20:46,109 I've come home a million times and there'll be chocolate and flowers. 262 00:20:46,109 --> 00:20:52,142 And you've even ordered me flowers to be delivered for, you know, random occasions 263 00:20:52,142 --> 00:20:54,043 that are not just holidays. 264 00:20:54,043 --> 00:20:59,836 So effort is definitely your thing. 265 00:21:01,137 --> 00:21:06,977 you should write a class on making effort for women because I mean you really 266 00:21:06,977 --> 00:21:07,857 should. 267 00:21:08,037 --> 00:21:09,877 It's crazy. 268 00:21:13,577 --> 00:21:16,937 Husband 101 chapter one effort. 269 00:21:18,517 --> 00:21:25,377 But I definitely I love shouting you out for that because it's as I said earlier in 270 00:21:25,377 --> 00:21:30,161 the episode before I started interviewing you that is one of the most 271 00:21:30,161 --> 00:21:32,841 attractive things to women. 272 00:21:33,881 --> 00:21:41,321 And I think 99 % of women would agree that effort is one of the most important things 273 00:21:41,321 --> 00:21:51,761 that we can Where would you say if a guy was taking your husband 101 class, right? 274 00:21:51,761 --> 00:21:58,401 And he wanted to start with 275 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:02,590 What would be his first step in your effort class? 276 00:22:02,590 --> 00:22:05,136 What would be the first thing you'd suggest to 277 00:22:05,481 --> 00:22:08,487 he says, okay, I want to start showing effort for her. 278 00:22:08,929 --> 00:22:10,373 What does he have to do? 279 00:22:10,373 --> 00:22:11,671 What is the very first thing? 280 00:22:12,341 --> 00:22:16,253 mean it all kind of depends on the woman, but it could be as simple as just sitting 281 00:22:16,253 --> 00:22:19,494 down and watching her favorite show with her, even if it's something you can't 282 00:22:19,494 --> 00:22:20,455 stand. 283 00:22:21,636 --> 00:22:28,138 Randomly bringing her her favorite candy or snack or whatever she's into. 284 00:22:29,210 --> 00:22:31,871 You're missing the most important thing here though. 285 00:22:31,871 --> 00:22:33,195 You're saying her. 286 00:22:33,300 --> 00:22:41,875 Most men, if you're starting from ground zero and you are like, want to take care 287 00:22:41,875 --> 00:22:44,246 of this woman, you have to know her. 288 00:22:45,767 --> 00:22:53,651 That needs to be your first step in your effort class because so many people don't 289 00:22:53,651 --> 00:22:55,002 know who they're married to. 290 00:22:55,002 --> 00:22:56,453 I mean, there's a 291 00:22:56,935 --> 00:22:59,280 thing going on right now, who the F did I marry? 292 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:03,628 And I mean, that's accurate. 293 00:23:03,628 --> 00:23:05,986 There's a lot of cases of that. 294 00:23:06,164 --> 00:23:11,027 that is like the biggest thing is the first step I would say is figure out who 295 00:23:11,027 --> 00:23:12,327 you're with. 296 00:23:12,428 --> 00:23:13,468 What does she like? 297 00:23:13,468 --> 00:23:15,999 What does she, what matters to her? 298 00:23:15,999 --> 00:23:17,250 What makes her tick? 299 00:23:17,250 --> 00:23:20,842 And the same thing with women, with our men, you know? 300 00:23:20,842 --> 00:23:27,955 I'd say the first step if you really want a successful relationship and a successful 301 00:23:27,955 --> 00:23:29,176 marriage 302 00:23:29,565 --> 00:23:33,623 figuring out who you're with, learning your partner and knowing their favorite 303 00:23:33,623 --> 00:23:38,633 things, knowing what makes them tick, know what sets them off, all of those little 304 00:23:38,633 --> 00:23:39,714 things. 305 00:23:39,756 --> 00:23:41,487 Because if you don't know them... 306 00:23:41,487 --> 00:23:43,159 both the good and bad. 307 00:23:43,159 --> 00:23:49,686 Like learning her favorites, learning her hated, like don't just focus on the good. 308 00:23:50,348 --> 00:23:53,532 As you'll accidentally stumble across one of the bad someday. 309 00:24:01,260 --> 00:24:06,023 But not only knowing her, I'd say knowing your partner is definitely the first step. 310 00:24:06,023 --> 00:24:11,786 The second step is, would say, and correct me if I'm wrong, not over committing 311 00:24:11,786 --> 00:24:12,667 yourself. 312 00:24:12,667 --> 00:24:18,250 Because I feel like that is like the kiss of death with men is a woman will get with 313 00:24:18,250 --> 00:24:22,503 a man and he will make all of this effort in the beginning of their relationship and 314 00:24:22,503 --> 00:24:25,574 their marriage and then come to find out he, 315 00:24:27,251 --> 00:24:33,011 goes in at 150 % but that's not sustainable for anybody. 316 00:24:33,011 --> 00:24:34,991 Yeah, you burn yourself out. 317 00:24:34,991 --> 00:24:40,651 So my recommendation would be don't and that this is something that I said to you 318 00:24:40,651 --> 00:24:42,731 very early on in our relationship. 319 00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:50,351 I think we had only been talking for a couple days and I said to you, do not 320 00:24:50,351 --> 00:24:55,311 start anything that you do not intend to continue. 321 00:24:55,411 --> 00:25:02,099 throughout the course of our relationship, whatever this is, because, and it was 322 00:25:02,099 --> 00:25:04,361 something that I was very clear about. 323 00:25:04,482 --> 00:25:10,470 I specifically said, do not start anything with me that you cannot maintain, because 324 00:25:10,470 --> 00:25:15,155 I do not wanna be swept off my feet only to be dropped on my ass. 325 00:25:17,147 --> 00:25:20,330 And you have lived up to your word. 326 00:25:20,330 --> 00:25:23,192 I mean, you have not dropped me on my ass. 327 00:25:25,595 --> 00:25:31,039 But I'd say definitely don't start anything that you can't continue. 328 00:25:31,059 --> 00:25:37,445 If you had started this sticky note tradition, I thought for sure that I was 329 00:25:37,445 --> 00:25:41,518 going to get sticky notes for a little while and then it would taper off. 330 00:25:41,518 --> 00:25:45,211 And then the one year anniversary came around and you doing it. 331 00:25:45,265 --> 00:25:47,716 and it was like, my God, he's still doing the sticky notes. 332 00:25:47,716 --> 00:25:52,957 And then the two year anniversary came around and it was like, my God, he's still 333 00:25:52,957 --> 00:25:53,808 doing sticky notes. 334 00:25:53,808 --> 00:25:56,898 And now the three year anniversary has come around. 335 00:25:56,999 --> 00:25:59,439 Yeah, and you're still doing sticky notes. 336 00:25:59,439 --> 00:26:02,980 And I remember thinking, there's no way he's gonna remember to do this. 337 00:26:02,980 --> 00:26:06,311 But you did and you've maintained it. 338 00:26:06,311 --> 00:26:12,433 I don't think you've ever, if you were working, I don't think you missed it. 339 00:26:12,735 --> 00:26:16,089 ones I've missed were like the days I woke up late and like had to get out of the 340 00:26:16,089 --> 00:26:17,150 house right. 341 00:26:18,582 --> 00:26:19,192 well. 342 00:26:19,192 --> 00:26:20,510 That's pretty much it. 343 00:26:21,597 --> 00:26:24,298 I gave you more credit because I said that you have a missed today. 344 00:26:24,298 --> 00:26:27,669 So I mean, I guess you weren't in trouble. 345 00:26:29,939 --> 00:26:35,220 So that kind of brings us to the third thing I would say. 346 00:26:35,220 --> 00:26:40,121 So would say knowing your partner, not starting something that you can't 347 00:26:40,121 --> 00:26:41,081 continue. 348 00:26:41,256 --> 00:26:47,536 I think just being appreciative of your partner's efforts. 349 00:26:47,536 --> 00:26:53,736 Oh, that is 100 % being appreciative because if you have someone that's putting 350 00:26:53,736 --> 00:26:58,416 in all this effort and you don't appreciate it, not even reciprocate 351 00:26:58,416 --> 00:27:04,816 because, yeah, because I'm not going to reciprocate 260 sticky notes a year. 352 00:27:04,816 --> 00:27:07,619 I don't have the bandwidth for that. 353 00:27:07,619 --> 00:27:09,494 Well, remember, multiply that by three. 354 00:27:10,472 --> 00:27:11,312 Yeah. 355 00:27:11,312 --> 00:27:12,152 Oh my god. 356 00:27:12,152 --> 00:27:13,587 260 times 3. 357 00:27:13,804 --> 00:27:18,714 So 780 sticky notes a year on 358 00:27:18,714 --> 00:27:19,565 more. 359 00:27:20,875 --> 00:27:23,575 Looking at the box, you got it, it looks like a hell of a lot 360 00:27:24,908 --> 00:27:28,635 There's 780 times three in here 361 00:27:29,208 --> 00:27:36,234 learning your partner, making the effort and not overshooting what you're able to 362 00:27:36,234 --> 00:27:41,298 do and what you're able to be consistent about and also being appreciative of. 363 00:27:41,298 --> 00:27:44,738 what your partner does and the effort that they do make. 364 00:27:44,738 --> 00:27:50,718 Not necessarily reciprocating because like we said, sometimes it's 80 -20, sometimes 365 00:27:50,718 --> 00:27:53,138 it's 50 -50, sometimes it's 100 -100. 366 00:27:53,187 --> 00:27:58,812 I do try and make sure that you know that I appreciate all of the little things that 367 00:27:58,812 --> 00:28:03,815 you do. 368 00:28:03,815 --> 00:28:05,016 You da mom. 369 00:28:06,663 --> 00:28:07,879 Cutabomb .com 370 00:28:08,824 --> 00:28:12,932 And no matter what the guy says, that he doesn't need to thank you or whatever, 371 00:28:12,932 --> 00:28:15,586 that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear 372 00:28:16,903 --> 00:28:17,793 Yes. 373 00:28:18,235 --> 00:28:25,664 But that also brings up the good point too of not doing, of doing things without 374 00:28:25,664 --> 00:28:26,685 expectation. 375 00:28:26,685 --> 00:28:35,621 So making effort without expectation of reciprocation or expectation of. 376 00:28:35,621 --> 00:28:38,503 a reward for making the effort. 377 00:28:38,843 --> 00:28:49,530 Because as a woman, I can tell you, if you did things with an expectation of payback, 378 00:28:49,571 --> 00:28:51,182 it would kill it instantly. 379 00:28:51,182 --> 00:28:57,236 I think I can speak for all women when I say that if you do something for me and 380 00:28:57,236 --> 00:29:03,119 you expect something in return, that's not effort, that's a transaction. 381 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:05,201 And that's not... 382 00:29:05,341 --> 00:29:10,641 Yeah, that's not something that women, we're not attracted to transactions. 383 00:29:10,761 --> 00:29:17,381 If you are gonna give me sticky notes and I have to return something, that's not 384 00:29:17,381 --> 00:29:18,601 okay. 385 00:29:18,601 --> 00:29:22,961 And I think that's a trap that a lot of men fall into, if I'm being perfectly 386 00:29:22,961 --> 00:29:23,801 honest. 387 00:29:23,801 --> 00:29:28,521 It's here's everything that I'm doing for her, she needs to do something in return 388 00:29:28,521 --> 00:29:29,681 for me. 389 00:29:29,681 --> 00:29:34,681 Which 100%, you do need 390 00:29:34,938 --> 00:29:38,109 reciprocate effort to your partner. 391 00:29:38,690 --> 00:29:43,032 But it never should be, you did this so I should do that. 392 00:29:43,032 --> 00:29:46,653 It should never be keeping score or obligatory. 393 00:29:46,653 --> 00:29:52,026 It should be, this is how I'm showing up in making effort and this is how I'm 394 00:29:52,026 --> 00:29:53,976 showing up in making effort. 395 00:29:54,157 --> 00:29:57,718 And I think that's a huge part of love languages too. 396 00:29:57,718 --> 00:30:04,081 And we'll get into that more in another episode. 397 00:30:04,081 --> 00:30:07,649 But knowing your partner's love language is a huge thing. 398 00:30:07,772 --> 00:30:10,680 you have to force yourself to do something in an effort. 399 00:30:12,403 --> 00:30:13,899 Ooh, I like that. 400 00:30:13,899 --> 00:30:17,789 If you have to force yourself to do something, it's not effort. 401 00:30:18,474 --> 00:30:19,555 That is... 402 00:30:20,004 --> 00:30:26,932 doing something for your partner, even if you're not a fan of it, but doing it so 403 00:30:26,932 --> 00:30:30,014 it's something they don't have to deal with, that's one thing. 404 00:30:30,516 --> 00:30:36,112 But doing something that you just really don't want to do and you just eventually 405 00:30:36,112 --> 00:30:40,396 say screw it and do it just to do it, that ain't the same thing. 406 00:30:41,203 --> 00:30:42,073 No. 407 00:30:42,374 --> 00:30:44,396 I don't think it's received the same way. 408 00:30:44,396 --> 00:30:47,900 You know, like if someone does something and they're dragging their feet on doing 409 00:30:47,900 --> 00:30:51,663 it, it's not the same as someone that's willingly doing something. 410 00:30:52,410 --> 00:30:57,941 willingly doing something you don't like is different than forcing yourself through 411 00:30:59,007 --> 00:31:01,578 And I think that's really important too with effort. 412 00:31:01,578 --> 00:31:04,419 Effort is not always like a show of something. 413 00:31:04,419 --> 00:31:08,681 Effort can be emotionally being there. 414 00:31:08,681 --> 00:31:15,474 Like if I go on a tirade in the car about Taylor Swift and how much I love her album 415 00:31:15,474 --> 00:31:19,976 and talk about all these things with Taylor Swift, like one of my favorite 416 00:31:19,976 --> 00:31:26,249 things about you is the effort that you make into listening and 417 00:31:26,771 --> 00:31:28,803 just conversing with me about things. 418 00:31:28,803 --> 00:31:36,435 Like if I show interest in something, you will actively want to know about it and... 419 00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,003 and care. 420 00:31:39,163 --> 00:31:43,683 So I feel like that's a big part of effort too, is not just doing things for your 421 00:31:43,683 --> 00:31:49,903 partner and showing up physically, but also showing up emotionally and showing up 422 00:31:49,903 --> 00:31:54,023 in a way that's interest based. 423 00:31:54,183 --> 00:32:00,063 I'm sure you really loved watching the Heiress tour on the couch with me, like 424 00:32:00,063 --> 00:32:03,063 three nights in a row, because we had to break it down. 425 00:32:03,063 --> 00:32:05,183 Yeah, and now 20 times for Nora. 426 00:32:06,137 --> 00:32:11,032 I mean, I have videos of us dancing to Shake It Off together because we made the 427 00:32:11,032 --> 00:32:11,553 best of it. 428 00:32:11,553 --> 00:32:16,789 So it's not just like doing things, it's spending time with your partner and just 429 00:32:16,789 --> 00:32:23,524 showing up for them in the ways that they enjoy things, you know, like. 430 00:32:23,524 --> 00:32:27,700 like letting them express their interest in something or their desire for 431 00:32:27,700 --> 00:32:28,632 something. 432 00:32:28,632 --> 00:32:35,741 And even if you don't really have a personal attachment to it, just 433 00:32:36,163 --> 00:32:37,394 interacting with 434 00:32:38,137 --> 00:32:39,949 Yeah, definitely. 435 00:32:40,037 --> 00:32:49,054 So basically to recap on our first green flag episode of the show. 436 00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:54,278 The first step for effort is knowing your partner. 437 00:32:55,119 --> 00:33:02,996 Knowing your partner number one, making the effort number two, and not going above 438 00:33:02,996 --> 00:33:08,450 and beyond what you're able to do so that you don't wind up burning yourself out. 439 00:33:08,830 --> 00:33:11,765 And then 440 00:33:11,765 --> 00:33:17,549 the partner showing appreciation for that effort, acknowledging that effort, and 441 00:33:17,549 --> 00:33:25,085 then showing up in as many ways as possible, whether it's physically making 442 00:33:25,085 --> 00:33:31,229 effort or emotionally making effort, physical effort, mental effort, it all, 443 00:33:31,229 --> 00:33:36,213 you know, works out in the end and not expecting anything out of it because, like 444 00:33:36,213 --> 00:33:37,854 I said, that's a transaction. 445 00:33:37,854 --> 00:33:39,168 That's not effort. 446 00:33:39,411 --> 00:33:44,987 One thing I want to add to this is if you find yourself in one of those rough 447 00:33:44,987 --> 00:33:48,741 situations with your partner, whether it's just you guys aren't getting along for 448 00:33:48,741 --> 00:33:52,315 whatever reason, you guys see an eye to eye for one reason or another, whatever 449 00:33:52,315 --> 00:33:57,522 the deal is, you guys aren't in the greatest spot. 450 00:33:57,522 --> 00:33:59,203 of you should have it in your head. 451 00:33:59,203 --> 00:34:03,017 I'm just gonna wait for the other one to make the move to make things better. 452 00:34:03,718 --> 00:34:04,586 Just make the move. 453 00:34:04,780 --> 00:34:09,638 Don't sit there thinking that the other one has it in their head that they're 454 00:34:09,638 --> 00:34:10,690 gonna make the move first. 455 00:34:10,690 --> 00:34:12,171 Just do it. 456 00:34:13,255 --> 00:34:15,720 Find something and just do 457 00:34:16,199 --> 00:34:22,972 recap, effort is definitely something that I think is really important in any healthy 458 00:34:22,972 --> 00:34:28,254 relationship as either the partner that's making the effort or the partner that's 459 00:34:28,254 --> 00:34:34,997 receiving effort, making sure that you're showing up in your relationship, in your 460 00:34:34,997 --> 00:34:43,550 marriage as much as you can is really important and it may not always 461 00:34:44,570 --> 00:34:48,250 80, 20, it may be 50, 50, 100, 100. 462 00:34:48,310 --> 00:34:50,750 It's whatever you and your partner are able to do. 463 00:34:50,750 --> 00:34:54,350 But making sure that you're showing up, you're making the effort and you're being 464 00:34:54,350 --> 00:34:58,050 the partner that your partner needs. 465 00:34:58,050 --> 00:35:03,010 Because at the end of the day, marriage is, it's a relationship, it's a 466 00:35:03,010 --> 00:35:03,890 commitment. 467 00:35:04,530 --> 00:35:10,330 And love is not always a feeling, love is an action and love is a commitment. 468 00:35:10,708 --> 00:35:16,931 I am super grateful that I got to have my husband on tonight's episode of Second 469 00:35:16,931 --> 00:35:23,173 Chance Queen and we got to talk healthy relationships and the green flag of 470 00:35:23,173 --> 00:35:24,551 tonight is 471 00:35:24,799 --> 00:35:28,240 stay tuned for our next green 472 00:35:28,573 --> 00:35:29,909 love languages. 473 00:35:29,909 --> 00:35:34,398 because that is really the base of everything with a healthy relationship, in 474 00:35:34,398 --> 00:35:35,085 my opinion. 475 00:35:35,327 --> 00:35:39,470 Until next time, thank you for watching tonight's episode of the Second Chance 476 00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:44,474 Queen podcast, and new episodes will be dropping every Wednesday and Saturday.