Wellness Briefs: Hard Conversations with your Teens Pt 1 Transcript Dr. Robin Henderson So. The best things that you can do to help your children handle these conflicts is to normalize it. Finding ways to listen. Be that vessel and reflective listener that can help people understand and have an opportunity to process things. And we're the only offer solutions if you're asked. Jennifer Semenza Hello everyone and welcome to talk with the Docs Wellness Freeze, a podcast offering a quick dose of healthcare information on a wide range of topics in just under 15 minutes. I'm Jennifer Seminza and here with me today is Doctor Robin Henderson, chief executive behavioral health for Providence, Oregon, and worked to be well, Chief clinical officer Work2BeWell as a mental health and Wellness program focused on providing mental health resources and education for teens and educators. On today's show, Doctor Henderson will be sharing her invaluable insight and practical advice on one of the most crucial aspects of parenting. Having those hard conversations with your teens, Doctor Henderson, welcome and thanks so much for joining us today. Dr. Robin Henderson Oh, Jennifer, thanks so much for having me. Looking forward to our conversation. Jennifer Semenza As am I today we're talking about having hard conversations with your teams and I now have two grown. But I remember how hard it was to bring up certain topics, and I'm really excited for you to join us because I know you're going to have a lot of personal wisdom and professional experience to share with us, and I'm really hoping that you'll help parents recognize issues. And start these difficult conversations. Dr. Robin Henderson I'm here. Jennifer Semenza Teams today I know are are subjected to a lot of of new pressures that you know didn't exist just a few years ago and they may not have the tools in place to deal with them. We've got anxiety and depression, relationships and self esteem issues. I really want to begin our conversation by talking about something that's probably more common than most people realize in teenagers and that getting depression. What are some of the most common causes and how can parents recognize and address those signs of anxiety and depression in their kids? Dr. Robin Henderson You know, parents know their kids best. And they see them in their natural. They see them in other areas and they know when something's different. You could. When something's off with your kid. Their their appetite has. Maybe their behaviour's related to? Sleep or exercise or even coming in the house and being happy and excited to see you to being all of a sudden, sudden and depressed But what you're. Really looking for is. Is it a change? Something. Is something different generally, that first indication that you're dealing with? Maybe it's anxiety. Maybe it's depression. Maybe something's going on at school that you don't even know about. But what we know is that, especially as teens begin to age and all. Hormones start raging. That's really where some of the first indications of anxiety and depression come along. Most people. Obviously, if we're dealing with younger kids. We're looking at a different set of circumstances. But really? Teenagers, we're looking. That dynamic between when they're starting to see. Pretty hit and you're starting. See changes that that just don't feel right. Jennifer Semenza I know that there's probably a lot of different contributing factors, but are there common issues that cause anxiety and depression in this age group? Dr. Robin Henderson You know, there's a number of different issues that can cause anxiety and depression. Can be changes at the school environment. There's some bullying going. Perhaps there's issues related to changes in the friend group, those types of situational things can cause anxiety and depression. Other things that can cause anxiety and depression are changes in the learning. Environment. Perhaps they're in a class that they're struggling. Perhaps they're not feeling that competence. They used to feel, and that ability to to really understand what's going on in the classroom. Or it could. Something deeper, like an underlying mental health disorder. We know that 75% of all mental health disorders present between the ages of 14 and 21. So we know that we're going to see a lot of kids who actually have anxiety as a diagnosis present at that point. That's why it's really important when you start to see that something's not right. It's good to make an appointment with your. Or primary. Provider and just get things checked out. Jennifer Semenza That's great, but I had no idea that the percentage was so high. Just incredible. Now Walk us through some. For opening a dialogue about mental health with your team. Dr. Robin Henderson I'm a big believer in car talks. One of. Things about a Car Talk is, you know you're driving somewhere, so you're not necessarily having to look each other in the eye the entire time. Perhaps you're sitting side by side, or somebody sitting in the back seat. Prefer both your side by side, but still when you're in that you've got some time to kill and you're driving somewhere, opening up a dialogue about. Are you? You know, gosh, it's been stressful lately, and you and you've seemed a little off, off, off. Is there something going on at school but creating a safe environment free of distractions when you know that you're going to have the ability to actually have a long enough conversation? Another great time can be in the kitchen. I know when my family and my household kids would come into the kitchen while I was cooking and we had. Lot. Conversations right there in. Kitchen while I was making dinner. And that's another great place. It's just providing that safe space without distract. When you're ready. Jennifer Semenza I love the idea of car talks. Brilliant. What are some other good and and maybe not too obvious ways for parents to just casually check in on their child or or their teens mental Wellness? How often should they be checking in with them? Dr. Robin Henderson You know, it really kind of depends on your child. For some children, they need that daily check in and maybe it's when you get up in the morning when you get home from school or or. You're getting ready to go to bed. How you? I know you were struggling with this issue. It getting. Is it getting worse? But then again, for other teens, that daily check in that can make you a hover mother and you want to be a hover mother, do you? So really looking at at, you know what Cadence works for your child's needs and sorting out. Oh, you know, I'm OK to check in every week, you know? We don't have to have this conversation all the time. But other kids need that daily support. Jennifer Semenza So let's switch a little bit and talk about relationships. I know relationships for teams can can really carry a lot of emotion and they may not know how to deal with those in a healthy manner. How can parents teach their teams about building healthy relationships and and affected communication skills? Dr. Robin Henderson Well, the best teacher is a good example, and that's one of the things that we like to see. And we know that not all teenagers come from a traditional family home with a A2 parent family or anything like that. But really, how you handle? How you handle relationships and how you as a parent communicate? That's really the best example to help teach effective communication skills. I could tell you that you know from my own personal experience raising two teenagers yelling never works. So you know. Think about your own tone of. Think about how you want to be communicated with. Use a lot of active listening and reflective listening. So if your teen is actually talking to you. You know, be able to go in there and jump in and reflect back what they're saying. Another big thing that parents tend to. And again, I'm guilty of this is I tend to solutionize. I wanna come in and solve your problem and tell you exactly what it is you should do and that is the wrong approach. What teams really need from us is to. Heard. Validated that what they're feeling and what they're hearing and what they're experiencing is real. Jennifer Semenza Let's chat about advice that parents can give to their kids to handle conflicts and emotional challenges in friendships and in those those first romantic relationships. Dr. Robin Henderson Those are always the fun ones when you come home and your kid is all amped up because they've gotten into an argument with this friend on the volleyball team, or that friend on the basketball team, the entire friend group has blown up and you're ready for a Or Evening. Listening. So the best things that you can do to help your children handle these conflicts is to normalize it. It often helps to share your own stories. Over share, but talk about how. Oh gosh, yeah, I remember what that was like. You know, I remember when the new kid came in and everybody wanted to hang out with them and. I felt like I was. And so when I realized I had to. Is maybe. Just needed to jump back in or whatever the situation is, but finding ways to listen. Be that vessel and reflective listener that can help people understand and and have an opportunity to process. Things and we're the only offer solutions if you're asked. Jennifer Semenza That's great advice. What about toxic? How can a parent help their teen identify what what might be a toxic relationship and and just, you know, help them identify what is a supportive relationship for a friend versus what's not. Dr. Robin Henderson That's where. Gets a little bit tougher and I know that was something that my kids dealt with when they were in high school and even in early college is having that that toxic friend. It can really help to keep your own emotions out of it. It hurts to see our own children in a relationship that isn't healthy. For them now, if the relationship is something that is domestically violent or abusive in any way, including emotionally abusive, you've got to. That type of. A A step farther to really perhaps get them in with a a trusted other adult. Other adults in their lives can be really helpful in dealing with toxic relationships because they're not going to hear it from you. But they might hear it from a trusted aunt or uncle. They might hear it from a coach. They might hear it from, you know, the school counselor, or they're going to hear it from you. So remember that sometimes, especially with toxic relationships, the best person to talk with. May not be you. But that doesn't mean that you don't need to deal with it and don't and don't need to put out that support and to really have conversations. Another option is to also show them what good relationships look like. For instance. You have somebody and and this is a true story. Back when my kids were in high school, one of my son's friends was very homophobic and will make openly homophobic com. And that was really offensive to my daughter. And we found an evening where we were playing family game night and just kind of kind of talked it out. And the next thing you know, that homophobic friend wasn't welcome at the House anymore. And it was a a Dec. All made together, so finding a way to have a safe conversation. And really making making it normal to their friends we keep. And there are friends that we outgrown. And that's OK. Jennifer Semenza Such important conversations to have. Body image and self esteem are often really interconnected and it brings out a whole host of other emotional issues. What are some effective ways that we can talk to our teams about body image and self esteem, especially in the age of social media? And how? Parents encourage a positive self-image in their kids. Dr. Robin Henderson This is another great example of things that start well with us. How do we as parents view our own? How do we how do we talk about our own? Do I refer to myself as being, you know, large and in charge or fluffy, or really stick thin? Or what are the things that I say about body? How do I put that value out? In the world. Do I do people in my household look at pictures of, you know, people with a six pack of abs ago? Wow, that looks really great. Know, I know. Want that? What are the things that we do? Ourselves around body image, but also being aware of what's going on in social media. Yeah, I am a firm believer that we need to know what our children are seeing in the social media age, especially when they're first getting into social media. So scrolling through with them and talking about how pictures can be altered, how we often have we present our best selves on social media and that may mean we're using a filter or. We're we're, you know, doing other types of things to alter our image and showing them how filters work to say, you know, not everybody looks perfect when you take the filters off. Those types of things can be really helpful to talk about body image in that way, but I think the other thing is to reinforce that positive self talk all the time and resilience with our kids talking about you know, how they're how their attributes are more than just. Physical selves, their emotional selves, all of the different parts of themselves that make them who they are. It's not just about their bodies. But it really starts with us. How we talk about ourselves. Jennifer Semenza That is, that is so, so true But. You for sharing that. How do parents navigate a situation where their child or teen might be getting bullied online? I hate how common that is. You know, they could be getting bored because their parents or or and for some of the reason they may. Just fit in. So how do? Navigate that. Dr. Robin Henderson The first place I start in a situation with getting bullied, I start with the school and start with the conversation with the school counselor to see. Are they aware? They know that this is going on. What are their strategies and how do they like to deal with it? Simultaneously, I want to educate my teen around what are the resources and ways that we can deal with an online bully. How do you block somebody on Instagram? How do you report their behavior? Because right now. Instagram's really interested in hearing about that. There are other platforms like Discord and. And Tiktok and some other places that parents may not be as familiar with, but understanding what's going on online and knowing and helping them realize that there are resources they have. Don't have to listen to the bully. You can turn off negative comments. All the good platforms have the ability to turn off turn off comments altogether. If you've got a post that's gone viral and has, you know, all kinds of negative connotations in it, turn off the comments. No one needs to read that. No one needs to hear what other people are saying when they're being negative and piling on. But really, helping understand what your online resources are. There's a lot of great information. Quick Google searches around bullying resources that are all over the Internet that can help you know where to report. And what are some of the responses to give? Instance my daughter used to belong to. She was a a gamer and she did a lot of online gaming and sometimes people would get into online bullying in the forums around online gaming, and she and her friends would go in when they saw somebody bullying someone and they would just flood the zone with POS. Jennifer Semenza Yeah. Dr. Robin Henderson So they literally had a crew that just went in there and flooded the zone with positivity. If you see someone getting bullied online, say something and flood them with positivity. Jennifer Semenza What a fantastic reaction. Amazing. Are there signs that parents should watch for when it comes to these body image or self esteem issues becoming a bigger problem? Imagine things like, you know, disordered eating, for example, or depression, even substance abuse to numb their feelings. Dr. Robin Henderson Absolutely. It goes back to when the first things that we talked about, Jennifer, when we were talking about what has changed, has there sleep patterns changed, have their appetite changed? Have they? Doesn't suddenly decided that they're going to be vegetarian or even vegan. Or something that is different than what they're normally eating pattern is. Have they become restrictive in their eating? Are they taking instead of taking their meals at the family dinner table? Are they going up to their room to eat their meals and things like that? Those are the types of things that we need to look for and watch for. And if you start to see either a rapid weight gain or you start to see somebody losing weight. Then it's time really to go and see your primary care provider or your pediatrician and. You know, I'm concerned about these. This is what I'm looking at. One of the things that we notice when the pandemic first started, for instance, was there was a great increase. In youth with anorexia and bulimia, and it wasn't because. Were a lot of. Kids who were becoming anorexic or bulimic. It was because the kids. At home. And it was harder to hide their behavior because they weren't going to school during the day. So knowing what's going on and watching. Those. Can help you intervene faster and the faster we intervene and eat in disordered eating, for example, and in substance use disorders when we're dealing with a substance use disorder, the faster we intervene and we intervene with honesty truth. Assistance. You know, we're going to proactively go see someone. Going to talk with. We're going to do something. The better their outcomes are going to be. Jennifer Semenza I have to tell you, I just had a mind blown moment when you mentioned kids becoming vegetarian and and that being. Dr. Robin Henderson You know. Jennifer Semenza That was just one of many examples that. Gave. I all of a sudden just it completely changed how I am processing a. With my own daughter. My youngest daughter, somebody at school, bet her she couldn't be vegetarian for a week and the child went 3 1/2 years. So I thought that was an act of stubbornness, but now I'm seeing it in a completely different light. That's really. Thank you for kind of, you know, reshaping our our the way we process some of that information. Where can parents or teams get additional information or or get help on these topics on mental health concerns? Dr. Robin Henderson Now you know one of my favorite parts to talk about work to be well. So work to be, well, work. The number 2 bewell.org is a website that Providence has partnered with teens and it's all teen led information about mental health well-being and all the topics we've talked about today. There are state by state resources. That are free and that have been clinically vetted. Curriculum and conversation. There's even an entire curriculum on how to have a tough conversation and some conversation starters that you can use, and if you happen to be happen to be a teen listening to this. You too can use if you need to. A tough conversation with your friend. So really going to work to be well, org, it's part of the Providence family of resources is a great way to get started and to look for additional information. Jennifer Semenza And we will be sure to to link to those resources in our show notes as well because that was really our fantastic resources. Is there anything we haven't talked about today that you want to make sure that that we? Probably the biggest. Dr. Robin Henderson Thing that I want to make sure parents take away is to remember you're not perfect. You're going to make mistakes. You're probably even going to. At your kid once in a while. And learn to forgive yourself, because when you're able to forgive yourself and go back and apologize to your kid, do you know how powerful that is? When when you have a bad communication with your kid and you go back and say, you know what? I was having a. Stress day. I didn't handle things well and I. That's the best modelling ever to help our youth understand that it's OK to make a mistake, especially in communicating or in a relationship or whatever the situation is. And to take ownership and show them you can recover, you can move on. The other big thing is when you're done talking about a topic, don't keep harping on it. Jennifer Semenza That can be. Dr. Robin Henderson Really difficult for kids to feel like we've worked through a really rough issue and then you keep bringing it up or even better yet, you bring it up. Other relatives. That's the fastest way to destroy trust, and we really need to think about how do we want to be treated in these relationships, is how our kids want to be treated as well. Jennifer Semenza That's really insightful information. You, doctor. This was just a great conversation, really good information. I really wish I would have had this available to help when my. Were teens. Thanks so much for your time today. Dr. Robin Henderson You're. Thanks, Jennifer, and thanks for thanks for opening the door to talk about these difficult conversations. Jennifer Semenza We hope you'll join us on our next episode where we continue the conversation with Doctor Henderson as she guides us through some even tougher topics such as reproductive health, substance use and peer pressure. Also want to thank our audience for joining us today on talk with the docs well. We look forward to continuing the important conversations on health and Wellness, with more experts from Providence and sharing our mission of help for a better. To get. Information on other important healthcare topics, please subscribe to talk with the doc on your favorite podcast platform and. Social media connect with us on Facebook, TikTok and Exeter, Providence and on Instagram and LinkedIn. Under Providence Health Systems, to learn more about our mission, programs and services go to Providence. 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