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You know your business needs to change, but you’re caught in the emotional and relational dynamics that are holding you back. Welcome to Noble Metal, the podcast that helps you forge a new kind of leadership. Host Phillip Weiss, a seasoned executive coach and organizational consultant, reveals how to become a more resilient, deliberate, and less-anxious leader.
Through powerful insights based on Bowen Theory and systems thinking, you’ll learn to navigate complex workplace relationships, manage challenging strategic issues, and lead your team to sustainable change. Get the clarity and tools you need to forge a new path for your business.
Ep6
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Introduction to Differentiation of Self
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Phillip Weiss: [00:00:00] Welcome back to Noble Metal, where we explore leadership at work and life through the lens of Bowen Family Systems theory. If you lead anything, an organization, a team, a family, this episode and the last one, our foundational, this topic being. Differentiation of self. It's huge. It is really, in many ways the cornerstone concept as Roberta Gilbert [00:01:00] talks about in her books. It's the cornerstone concept of the theory. So I am really in the last episode and today wanting to give it, the attention really that it deserves.
The Importance of Self-Leadership
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Phillip Weiss: Because reality is, is that leadership isn't primarily about charisma, strategy or authority. Those things have their place. But really initially and foundationally leadership is about how you function or lead yourself. in the face of ongoing daily stressors and the pressures that we all face. Let me start with a few questions. I regularly ask leaders, to what degree do you feel pressure to go along, to get along, even when you know a decision or direction maybe isn't quite right. To what degree do you ever feel trapped by the system that you're leading in by expectations, personalities, politics, or emotional reactions. We're taking a clear stand, actually feels costly. [00:02:00] Most leaders don't struggle because they lack competence.
They struggle because the anxiety limits their options. today we're talking about the capacity to expand or to expand the ability to expand that capacity and increase those options.
Understanding Emotional Maturity
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Phillip Weiss: So, as I mentioned, differentiation of self, big word or big, big mouthful actually it matters because these natural tensions expose our level of emotional maturity. And what do I mean by that? Our ability to take responsibility for our own actions and their outcomes. So as we've learned before, anxiety rises in a system, and it always does in some measure, an organization, a family, a team leaders tend to default to those predictable patterns. We talked about some of those predictable, anxious, automatic. Reactions of increasing the togetherness, getting even closer, tighter, demanding that [00:03:00] conformity or conflict distance and sometimes cutoff the infamous over-functioning and then of corresponding under-functioning or the strangling in of others. All these are potential automatic reactions that we might have as the anxiety in the system. up so. It kind of bodes this challenge of how do we become more stable and anchored in these anxious waters? How do we get a little bit more resilient, less jerked around by these pushes and polls? So this idea of working on differentiation helps leaders stay more calm when others. Anxious. Think more clearly when the pressure's on, act more deliberately instead of reacting more automatically. In Bowen theory, [00:04:00] differentiation of self is the bottom line. From here on out in the podcast, I will be referring to it, regularly challenging listeners to think about what is a more differentiated move?
How differentiated am I being? Meaning how principled am I acting in, in any given situation? This is not a soft skill and I, I've never liked that term. Soft skill. leadership is tough stuff. It's hard stuff. So this isn't a soft skill. This is a core leadership capability. So that's why these episodes, this the last one in this, this one today. Really mark the foundation podcast overall. So let's get a little more clear on this, this concept of differentiation of self. First of all, this is lifelong work. There's no shortcut, [00:05:00] there's no quick fix, but it produces some of the highest returns available to us as individuals and as leaders.
Applying Differentiation in Families and Beyond
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Phillip Weiss: So let me be clear at this point that according to Bowen theory, heavy lifting of differentiation is always done.
The heavy lifting is done with inside our families of origin. This is where we were shaped. This is where we gain many of the strengths we bring to the table. This is where we have met a lot of challenges in life. So it's reasonable to think about the primary work happening in the context of our families. PS very little work is done in the coach or the therapist's office. Talking about challenges is very different from actually working through them. So kind of back to the work being done in families. Yes. That's where the bulk of it happens and I will be and have been as, you know, alluding to fa [00:06:00] work in families as we go, kind of toggling between the workplace and life in general. But that said, the application of this work can also go beyond families into our non-family life systems. Such as work. And so that's been kind of my work as a professional because I'm not a therapist. I am an executive coach in traffic and leadership development. So the application of bone theory in non-family systems has really been a big focal point of mine. So a key question that differentiation asks, so to speak, is how grounded are you when pressure is on? Can you stay connected without being absorbed and caught up in the emotional whirlwind going on? Can you take a stand without attacking someone? you lead without needing approval? To a degree, differentiation of self is about getting as stable as you feasibly can taking [00:07:00] informed planned action in difficult and sometimes more turbulent situations. Differentiation means raising your own level of functioning while remaining connected to the system that you're responsible for. That's the hard part sometimes, and that candidly is leadership. I am a history buff. I was a history major. I love to study it. I love to read it still. Typically for me, books are mostly nonfiction.
I'm getting a little more into fictional stuff, but. one of the.
Historical Example: Abraham Lincoln
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Phillip Weiss: best historical examples of differentiation of self comes from Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln became president, he did something unusual. In fact, almost unthinkable. He appointed his primary political rivals. his cabinet, and they eventually became known as the team of rivals. were men who believed they were more qualified than Lincoln, publicly criticized him, questioned his intelligence and [00:08:00] leadership. a leadership perspective, this created constant pressure, or from a really, I should say, from a kind of human dynamic pre perspective. It created a lot of pressure. Cabinet meetings were of tense, disagreements were open. Undermining happened behind Lincoln's, back less differentiated leaders would've. Probably become more defensive. Remove the dissenters altogether, or demand and or demand loyalty to reduce the anxiety. But Lincoln did none of these. Instead, he seemed calm, connected, and clear.
He listened carefully. He allowed disagreement. He tolerated discomfort, but, and this is critical. He never surrendered his leadership position. He was the boss when decisions had to be made. He made them. He absorbed the data information without absorbing. The anxiety fully. I mean, who knows what was going inside of him.
He was an interesting guy and [00:09:00] by no means perfect, he stayed in relationship without losing himself, so to speak, which is really, in many ways, if you think about it, especially in the intensity of those times, very difficult to do over time. Something important happened as Lincoln remained steady, the cabinet's anxiety increased and their ability.
To work together improved their respect for his leadership was enhanced. Lincoln didn't calm himself. By controlling them, managed himself and stayed connected to difficult others. That, in my opinion, is a very high watermark of leadership. So how does this actually kind of work in real life?
Practical Steps for Differentiation
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Phillip Weiss: So one of the challenges I think in speaking about differentiation of self, I think it's twofold kind of on opposite extremes. One is to overcomplicate the concept. And make it sort of mystical and esoteric and difficult to achieve. And the [00:10:00] other thing is to oversimplify it. And so I think throughout, not just this podcast, but future podcasts my goal is gonna be to try to find that balance. We've gotta be able to talk about it and make it accessible. And I think one of the ways that Marie Bowen did that was he. He developed a concept that he referred to as I positions the letter i me positions. It's not the same as what we might hear of as when, when we think of like I statements, although there may be some similarities. I think it's a deeper, richer concept, but I positions constantly hold out these questions. Regarding any situation. It could be something small, it could be something rather large and significant, but what do I believe or not believe? What will I do or not do? What will I say or not say? Now, Bowen didn't necessarily make it that formulaic. I'm pulling out from, you know, [00:11:00] things that he said. It really bodes the question of what principles or values of yours are in play in any given situation, and how clear are you on them to what degree are they yours versus borrowed from others? So practically speaking, what, what could this look like? So what I wanna lay out is a little simple framework, for thinking about. of developing your eye position, if you will. Especially under stress, but doesn't have to be high. Always a high stress situation. The first is, and we've talked about this before, but number one is observation. the leaders begin by noticing, very attuned to what's going on, what's happening in the system around me. How are people showing up? am I showing up? What patterns of behavior are we seeing? What's going on inside of them? And as again, I've, as I've said before in is that even this step of observing this [00:12:00] alone has some capacity because it's employing our prefrontal cortex, which when we're in our prefrontal cortex, that front part of our brain, that executive part of our brain where we do our thinking, it calms us down. It calms us down and it reduces some reactivity so that we can get a little bit more objective. Lincoln was a master observer. wasn't a man of a bunch of words. He was watching others. He paid attention before he acted. So observation, a lot more can be said, and we will be saying more about that down the pike. Secondly, getting through that observation, getting more clarity defining myself more. What do I believe about this? What don't I believe? What am I gonna do? What, what am I not gonna do? What res is, what is actually my responsibility here versus other people's responsibilities? principle am I leading from, or principles am I [00:13:00] leading from? Clarity is not initially at least a consensus that may come down the pike. It may be part of things. Clarity is really about your own internal alignment. What are my principles here what is it gonna look like for me to begin acting on those? Lincoln knew who he was, what his role was, even when others disagreed, he was clear. Then thirdly, so we have observation, gaining clarity through that observation, and then starting to plan, what are my options here? This is about not being impulsive. This is about being really deliberate. Thoughtful, principled planning. But I think the key question under planning is, what are my potential options for making moves? And then that leads us lastly to the fourth item, which is action. And sometimes I like to say, what moves can I begin to make? And by the way, a move may be to actually not do [00:14:00] anything. Because sometimes in our impulsivity, we're always wanting to do something. So in some cases it may be to do nothing. idea is, what, what am I going to do? How do I not be controlled by the outcomes here? But how do I lead? What steps can I be, begin to take to lead myself first in a situation?
Modern Organizational Application
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Phillip Weiss: let's bring this into a more modern organizational setting. And let me speak about like a, a, just a classic scenario. The senior manager who has a high performing employee who is increasingly unhappy, so this is a high performer. We want this person to succeed. We want them to be happy, but the employee is complaining regularly about workload, peers unhappy about leadership decisions. So the pressure on the manager's clear. I need to fix this or I'm failing as a leader. In the past, this manager would've over functioned, potentially. would've potentially [00:15:00] adjusted the person's responsibilities, created workarounds. I'm always surprised, even to this day how much I see organizations doing that, working around somebody who is not happy or who is a poor performer. might have smoothed the tension some somehow she might have taken on some emotional responsibility that wasn't hers, but this time she pauses, she gets more deliberate. She watches, she observes the pattern. She takes in data, she looks at the emotional process going on, not just the content of what's going on.
And that, by the way, that's an important distinction in Bowen theory. It's not just about the issue du. But can we, like if, if an employee comes with a complaint or I'm working with a coaching client, it isn't just necessarily about the issue that's on the table at the moment, that's part of it. But one of my roles as a systems oriented coach is to help the client step back and look at the larger [00:16:00] emotional process.
And so that's what this, this leader does. She steps back and looks at the bigger picture. She gets clearer. And she realizes that her responsible, what she is responsible for is clarity and direction, but she's not responsible for managing the employee's emotional. So her plan is to stay engaged without rescuing the person. So the conversation goes something like this. She says, listen, I care about your career and your success in your career, and I'm open to hearing about what's not working, and I also want to be clear about what I can and cannot change. She listens, she acknowledges the person's frustration. Then she adds, responsible for the role and expectations, but I'm not responsible for making this role fit if it no longer aligns with what you want. Undeniably the conversation's uncomfortable, but she doesn't retreat. She doesn't overexplain, she doesn't try to fix feelings. Over time, the employee either steps into greater ownership and raises their own functioning or chooses to move on. [00:17:00] But the leader stays connected. She stays clear. And she doesn't carry what isn't hers. That is differentiation of self in a business leadership context. One of the high watermarks, I believe of a more differentiated person. And we're, you know, we're probably all somewhere in the mid range. Bowen used to talk about a range of differentiation from low to high. But one of the key elements here is the ability to, what I like to say stay in the kitchen when the heat goes up. I think this is very often where we as leaders are tested. When tension and anxiety increase, can I still stay connected to the situation and to potentially difficult others as that anxiety rises. So when the heat so-called goes up in the kitchen, one of the first things that many of us want to do is we want to, one, we want to get out and that looks like it can look different in different [00:18:00] situations. I wanna minimally distance myself from it, I want to get out and I may completely. Potentially disengage from somebody who I don't like or, and, or who I think is toxic. And that is a very popular move these days I have found with people is that I, the heats up not really di not really liking this person and so I'm gonna move away.
They're toxic. Done. Now, let me be clear. Yes, there are absolutely times when we need to step away gain perspective, get clarity, breathe just a little honestly. And there also may be those instances where somebody truly is extremely difficult and. Maybe somebody that I shouldn't be around, and I'm talking more in the personal sense than I am in the work sense at this point, and we all need to make those calls for ourself. But I, I, one of the things though that I have found so helpful about this theory is that it [00:19:00] actually challenges us sometimes take on the harder question, which is, can I stay in the kitchen and keep working without losing myself in the process? As we noted, Lincoln stayed in the kitchen with his rivals. The manager stayed in the kitchen with that discomfort and worked through it. They didn't force change, didn't flee the tension, but they worked to strengthen their own functioning. In the context of, of that tension and one of the benefits. And very often what we'll see happen is that as a leader. Or an individual raises their own level of functioning in an anxious system. The system tends to sort of rise to the occasion and you start to maybe see people raise their own level of functioning. A key element of these, of these differentiating moves or eye positions, whatever we want to call, call them.
Handling Pushback and Resistance
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Phillip Weiss: Almost always, when a person [00:20:00] starts to move in this direction, she or he will get pushed back. They will, we will meet with challenge. It is almost certain when you get clearer and start taking more principle stands, the system is going to potentially react negatively. Very rarely will somebody. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, It's awesome. no.
typically it's like this isn't good. changed you're making this more difficult. Change back. If you don't adjust, there are gonna be consequences. And this candidly is where differentiation requires candidly courage. One of the systems leaders and thinkers who really spoke very well and are very articulately about this change back pushback dynamic is Ed Freeman, author of Failure of Nerve, a book that I highly recommend and I will be at some point along the way in a podcast featuring some of highlights of Ed [00:21:00] Friedman's thinking. So expect this pushback. It's not unusual, it's normal. So here's the paradox. As leaders raise their own level of functioning systems often will calm down over time, not instantly, and not always will it happen. There may always be some resistance. But very often the steadiness of that leader has a regulating effect.
Conclusion and Invitation to Reflect
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Phillip Weiss: So let's summarize here as we come to a wrap. Differentiation of self is a lifelong work. It's First and foremost done in our families, and it can also be practiced in our non-family systems as well. Differentiation expands decision making capacity. It reduces reactivity. It has the potential to build credibility and trust. And it has a tendency to change systems from the [00:22:00] inside out. So a kind of punchline here is leadership doesn't begin. With trying to motivate or inspire others, it begins with how you are showing up. So here's your, here's your invitation. Think of one situation right now. It could be a personal situation, it could be a work related situation, but a situation right now where the pressure is particularly high. I want to pose this question to you. What would leadership from you look like in this situation? That to me, is one of the million dollar coaching questions. What would leadership from you look like here? Walk it through those four steps that I identified or that that we discussed. What do I observe here? Where do I potentially need more clarity here? What are some options that I should consider that align with my principles? And then what's one move, [00:23:00] just one, one move that I can make? Even a small move is still a move. You don't need to fix the system. What we do as need to do as leaders is lead ourselves as well as we possibly can within it. That's the work and it's worth it. So thank you for listening. If you have enjoyed this podcast, we'd love to hear from you. Please leave a review and refer us on again. Thank you so much and look forward to joining you on our next episode of Noble Medal.