[MUSIC]
>> Welcome to the 448th consecutive week of Cinema PsyOps.
I'm your host, Cort, the guy that is 100% really regretting the purchase of
the Al Adamson box set and joining me in that massacre is my co-host Matt.
>> I mean, has it been like the most hurtful thing of all time, but
it just seems like a waste of time.
>> It's like what if Bruno Mattei were as inept as he was, but
wasn't mean-spirited about everything?
>> Yeah, right?
>> That's the level of filmmaker Al Adamson is.
I mean, like we could have done Adamson April for like ever and
just done like three to four Adamson movies at a time and
just really milk this box set and made it this big thing.
But you know what?
No, I'm gonna make it an endurance run.
Cuz if we can make it through this,
we can make it through a year 10 that is 100% self-indulgent horse shit.
>> Word up.
>> All right, so this week's movie, if you could call it that,
Horror of the Blood Monsters is another one of those clip show things,
which I'm pretty sure Adamson just basically did.
Where he just would grab footage from something or
shoot some other movie that would fail miserably.
And then just cut it together with some new stuff and
then try again until somebody would actually release it.
Or in some cases, it caught on and made some money in that final form,
is the form that became his movie.
And all the other ones just disappeared.
Which is why they're so fucking confusing and disjointed.
And Horror of the Blood Monsters from 1970 is no exception to that rule.
As a matter of fact, it's even more disjointed and
crazy than the movie I covered last time.
>> Yeah, you got the crazier movie this week.
>> Yeah, Hell's Bloody Devils and
Horror of the Blood Monsters both seem like he's trying to reel in
a psychedelic trip out audience by doing some of the same kind of stuff that
other people that would draw that in.
Like, say, your Russ Meyer or what have you,
where he would do that disjointed weird editing that would fuck with your head.
Or was supposed to fuck with your head and
all it really does is just irritate you and give you a slight headache.
You ignore it with Russ Meyer, cuz tits.
>> Yeah, I mean, cuz yeah, he's at least putting tits in.
So you kinda get distracted.
>> Yeah, but this very much is, I mean, this movie is 100% Bruno Matte level of
shit, the way that it's cobbled together out of a bunch of other things.
But it has no mean spirit to it and almost has a little bit of a loving
flair of the shit sci-fi movies of the late 50s that we know and love.
>> Yeah. >> So it's trying this barrage of
Kearney tricks on me that definitely failed, but
I appreciate the ruse that they're trying for.
So much more than the actual film, and that's where my review is going.
So I have complaints, and my lord, do I ever have complaints.
The entirety of the film, all I do is bitch about how subpar the film is.
But the Kearney trick worked on me this week in that I realized that they were
trying to pull one on me and I appreciated the work they were putting in to do it.
So that's kind of where I wanna frame my review for this week.
>> Yeah. >> Just so everybody knows.
And I think that is more than enough pablum to pad out the front of the movie.
So we're gonna start with the Legion Patron ad and on the pirate radio edit.
This week, I get all Black Sabbath because it's my show and
I run this fucking barter town.
>> That's, yeah, I mean, jerk, but whatever.
>> It's Black Sabbath from 1970 and 1971,
continuing the theme that we did the last two weeks where whatever years the movies
were released in or shot in were years that I would pluck music from.
And Matt gets a plethora of stuff on his, I get all Black Sabbath.
Just fucking deal with it, barter town that I run.
>> I'm dealing with it, but I'm not happy about it.
>> Up first on my pirate radio edit,
Black Sabbath with Planet Caravan right after this.
>> This will keep you quiet.
>> Hi there, I didn't see you.
You call me cutting a new show.
I'm Bo Ransdell and I'm one of the many creators you can find on Legion podcasts.
I said quiet.
My fellow podcasters and I work hard to bring you the best in horror podcasting,
but that comes at a cost.
>> What's that like to live deliciously?
>> Not that, but also, yes.
No, what I'm getting at is that there are server costs, costs for good microphones and
software for editing, all the things that make our shows, you know, fun to listen to.
And you can help.
If you're enjoying the shows on legionpodcasts.com or in the Legion Network available on iTunes
and Stitcher, just about anywhere you can download a podcast, really, you can help us
out and get a little something for your trouble at patreon.com/legionpodcasts
For just two bucks a month, you get a pair of movie commentaries exclusive to Patreon.
And for $5, you can also join us for a monthly screening of a movie.
All of that available on patreon.com/legionpodcasts
We appreciate it and thank you for listening.
Now, back to the cutting room.
[Music]
>> All right, once we get deeper into the review for anyone that hasn't seen "Horror of the Blood Monsters"
and is just watching or listening to this podcast as a sort of condensed Cliff's Notes
version of covering films, they're probably not going to understand why I picked "Planet Caravan,"
but if you have seen it or you do know the actual story that sort of unfolds in the film,
it'll make a little bit more sense why I'm talking about planet travel and stuff later.
I promise.
In order for me to explain that, let's get into the 1970s "Horror of the Blood Monsters."
The verse 20 opens with a minute of silent credits
and we watch footage of a vampire being a vampire with a voiceover and our first clip.
>> I'm the vampire.
I have existed for centuries in legend, in fantasy, in men's minds, and some say in a reality.
You must believe in me for me to exist, but those who have chosen to deny my existence
have sometimes found me a most deadly enemy.
I live by night, seeking fresh new blood to flow in my rather cold veins.
Many of my victims have joined my unholy legion of the undead,
becoming creatures without souls, living only for hideous torment.
>> Hideous torment is certainly what they seem to be living for.
>> Yes.
>> The clip ends with a couple parking and getting a bit hot and heavy,
and apparently the type of vamp the voiceover was talking about is the lady,
and she gets ready to attack.
She does, and they cut from that to a woman walking down a dark alley
when the voiceover starts again, so fuck it, dialogue.
>> Science on this planet cannot destroy me.
The infected blood of the vampire was carried to Earth millions of years ago
by the Tibetan vampire men of a distant galaxy, far beyond this solar system.
The strange chromatic radiations of deep, dark space have created many ghastly mutations,
while they turn the air and everything in it into a one-colored mass of yellow, green, blue, or blood red.
>> That's some grade A acting right there.
>> Sure, if that's what you choose to call it, sir.
There is yet another vamp attack, this one done by Adamson himself in a long black trench coat,
and then this cuts to a dude in a stylized color-negative sort of view that cuts back to more footage of Adamson
vamping out and then to the older-looking vamp as he attacks a woman whose child abandoned her to die,
and then even more voiceover starts in our next clip.
>> And as our cult of vampires spreads out,
only knowledge learned from studying the original Tibetan vampires
can save the planet Earth from bloody ruin.
But no space scientists have yet returned from the world of the Tibetan vampires alive.
And right now, the infamous Dr. Reining is planning a top-secret space mission
in quest of a little dangerous knowledge.
>> Attention all personnel, please clear the launching area for radio frequency interference tests.
Please clear the launching area.
>> Ninety seconds to pre-launch countdown.
>> Standby to activate launch pad video scanner.
>> Standing by.
>> Switch on.
>> Heavy static interference. Activate image stabilizer.
>> Image stabilizer activated. Reception 100.
>> Establish radio contact with XB-13 and get me Bryce.
I want a final check on their instruments.
>> Affirmative.
This is Earth Control calling XB-13.
Requesting a final computer check on your pre-launch coordinates.
>> This is Captain Bryce for the XB-13.
The final readout from the flight computer is A-OK.
All instrumentation checks.
We're standing by for a green light for view Earth Control.
>> Bryce, this is Colonel Manning. We're picking you up on video.
Reception 100. Automatic video tracking and recording functioning properly.
We'll hold you during your launch and the computer will kick in the automatic systems after your liftoff.
>> The XB-13 is clear through all channels, sir.
Launch operations report they're standing by to disengage gantry complex from the vehicle.
Bryce, this will be our final voice transmission until after liftoff.
Prepare to disengage.
Final countdown now on automatic control.
Good luck, buddy.
You're now in the hands of the computer. Signing off.
>> I'm standing by to signal launch operations.
>> Give them the go ahead.
>> All right.
>> Yes, sir.
Earth Control to launch operations.
Condition green.
We are into automatic countdown.
Disengage.
>> During the clip, we see a guy going after a chick in an alley thinking she is a prostitute only to learn that she was bait to lure him into what I have written in my notes as a gang fang.
>> Huh?
>> From a bunch of fucking vans, they decide to gang fang him.
>> Rule 34, there's probably a porn of that.
>> The film cuts from this to a '60s style space station, as you heard, because fuck it, there's dialogue.
They show the rocket taking off and talk about how they are going to an unknown solar system, and apparently the dialogue is going to drive this whole entire fucking movie.
So fuck off.
Here's an eight-minute goddamn fucking clip.
>> Come in, XB13.
XB13, come in, please.
Please, come in, XB13.
Sir, automatic tracking is experiencing difficulty in video.
They aren't getting an image back from the vehicle.
>> We didn't have this trouble two weeks ago.
Why now?
>> I don't know, sir.
>> Get operations.
Tell them to get over to tracking.
We don't contact XB13 now.
Any deviation in the trajectory could mean disaster.
The further they travel, the more deviation occurs.
We could lose them in the vast region beyond our solar system.
>> Ground control calling space probe XB13.
Control to XB13.
>> Are you repeating that?
Are you all right?
>> Come in, please, XB13.
Come in, XB13.
XB13, come in, please.
Come in, XB13.
>> This is Colonel Bryce.
We've been hit bad.
>> Commander, is that you?
This is ground control.
I can't read you.
You're not color metering.
>> I don't know.
The controls are acting up.
>> Bob.
Bob, you okay?
Steve, what happened?
Is everybody okay?
Linda.
Dr. Riding.
Willie.
You okay?
Come in.
>> Help me.
Help me with Dr. Riding.
Control to XB13.
Do your controls indicate automatic pilot?
We have lost your frequency.
Repeat.
You are not telemetering.
Dr. Riding, are you all right?
I'm all right.
Stop.
>> Wow.
Next time I'm going to go Greyhound and leave the driving to them.
>> Come on.
>> Yeah.
>> Come in, XB13.
We're having trouble with your photo control.
Is video periscope intact?
Switch to 100 meter emergency band.
Come in, please.
>> Must have been hit by a meteor.
Is everyone all right?
>> Yes, sir, I think so.
>> Ship, we have a second yet.
>> Assess the damage.
See if I can get through the ground control station.
XB13 calling out.
Dr. Riding.
Come in, please.
>> Ground controller 5 to XB13.
We are not getting a clear signal.
Do you read us?
>> Switch to emergency band 100 meters for clearer signal.
Over.
>> I'm on 100 meters.
Can you read me now?
>> Roger.
Read you loud and clear.
Is everyone okay?
>> The river's all the way.
We've had some type of condition.
The ship is stable.
>> I see.
All right.
>> XB13.
Riding.
Check your automatic pilot.
You are not on a true course.
Over.
>> Can you give us a fix on our present position?
>> We're running your last tapes through the computers now.
As soon as we can figure your coordinates, we'll give you your present position.
>> Better see if we can do it.
>> I was reading on automatic control.
>> The controls read all right, but I'm not sure.
>> Not sure.
Keep checking until you are sure.
>> Our last known position was entering sector 49.
The best thing to do is replay the tape and determine the time and angle of impact.
>> Switch on replay.
>> Replay intact.
Tape is rolling.
>> Hey, Willie.
Dinner was better tonight, huh?
>> Yeah.
>> Take me.
There are worse forms of food, believe me.
I fought it four years in Westport.
>> It's the first time he ever admitted Westport was anything less than heaven.
>> Those, my friends, are worse than a bitter woman.
>> She may be.
Bitter, blobby, baby, flexible.
>> Huh?
>> All they think about is it's taking years for a man to enter the confines of another
solar system, and they attach a catastrophic importance to it.
>> Doctor, we're all here for the same reason, to restore my solar system.
>> That's true.
It was good for all.
Just as ecstasy marks this mission.
>> So I know what exists on spec solar system.
>> Come on, Bob.
Let's verify the other thing.
Run outside video scanner.
Something, and it's been good, cleaned a high amount of radiation and would have disrupted
our frequency barrier.
>> It did.
It gave us one hell of a jolt at the same time.
>> More than that, I'm afraid.
We've experienced a similar disturbance.
>> It has the same effects as if it came from our own sun.
>> Shorting TV and communication relay.
>> Magnetic disturbance.
>> Disoriented the ship.
>> Because once those particles bounce off, magnetic field realigns itself.
>> All right.
Let's say yes, we can remove some of that naive thing to be turned by a rich course.
>> Ground station five to XB 13.
We have a red light on your oxygen system.
Temperature readings are abnormal.
The situation during critical condition.
We can't give you an exact position since collision frequencies have been disrupted.
Can you give us a reading on your position?
>> Get back to your station.
See what you can find out about the temperature rise.
Feed those computers.
We've got to give them something to work on.
>> Well, you and I will check out the oxygen system.
Bob, you'll need to check the automatic pilot, see how serious it is.
Then we'll launch one of the satellites and get a triangulation fix.
>> Good.
And with the triangulation, we'll get a cross-fix from here.
I think that should do it.
>> Ground control calling XB 13.
Ground control to XB 13.
XB 13, come in, please.
>> Colonel Manning, their signal is getting weaker.
We've lost contact again.
>> Damn.
Their power system must have been damaged.
We'll never find them without their help.
Try every band.
Try anything.
We can't lose them now, Val.
They're as good as dead.
>> Come in, XB 13.
Come in, XB 13.
>> XB 13 to Earth.
>> They temporarily lost contact, both video and audio.
Keep checking with us periodically.
>> Roger.
We don't want to lose you.
>> We're assessing all systems for damage.
Preparing to launch satellite for triangulation fix.
>> Good.
We'll wait for report and countdown.
>> You know, that Linda gal is holding up pretty well.
>> Yeah, she's quite a girl.
>> Well, let's check out that oxygen system.
>> Dr. Manning, what's the matter?
>> I'm trying.
Looks like we're going to have to make a landing to work on the ship.
>> How are the reserve circuits?
>> I don't know.
I'll run a check on them now.
>> Well, I think we buckle a few plates on this side.
Maybe nothing, but, uh, I don't know.
At least we're sealed and that's something.
>> Val, we are.
What are our chances of reading?
>> Okay.
No, Linda.
I don't think they're too damn good.
>> Do you think we need...
>> I'll tell you what I think.
I think this whole flight is suicide.
I did not want this assignment.
It was forced on me.
>> I thought you were going to.
>> If you think I wanted an assignment for that egomaniac, Reini, you're out of your mind.
>> XB 13.
Calling station 5.
Can you read me?
>> How does it look?
We still show a red light on your oxygen indicator.
>> Here's how it stands.
Automatic control has been damaged.
I think we can hook up some extra circuits and get it operating again.
Control damage mostly interior.
Not too bad.
We're still airtight.
Oxygen out.
Temporarily running an automatic recirculating system.
Heat control system damaged.
What's the problem?
>> There's no problem.
>> Well, at least you haven't lost your sense of humor.
>> We'll start satellite countdown and we'll try and get it fixed on you.
It's going to be touch and go.
>> All right.
We're ready.
Start your countdown.
>> All right, Valerie.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, zero.
>> I've got a fix on it.
>> Good.
Good.
We have a fix here, too.
We are holding.
Holding.
Mark.
Here are your coordinates.
You are in 51B, 51B.
No variance.
Do you read me?
>> Come on, Bob.
What do you got for me?
Come on.
>> All right.
I've got C, CB, 295.
It should give us a coordinate.
>> Yeah.
That's it.
>> Fast check on that.
295.
Did you get a 295 on that?
>> That's correct.
295.
According to what we have, the calculations indicate we can land on a planet within two
days.
The closest one is three or four days away from here.
We can land there.
She pulls up.
>> The film cuts away from this apparently highly deadly and highly dangerous mission
that none of the actors seem to be interested in emoting about their character's possible
horrific demise.
Not going to lie, even John Carradine is so fucking phoning this one in.
Like he literally is on the phone for most of this.
>> Big time.
It cuts to a model shot of a spaceship and then to the two doofs who are sitting in plywood
pilot chairs.
No, I'm not fucking around.
Those chairs are very clearly made out of like late 60s, early 70s plywood and like
some ripped two by fours and that's it and lightly stained to sort of look like maybe
they're finished, but it's a really cheap set.
>> Yeah.
It's not expensive.
>> They then cut from this to John Carradine working in his space science lab with the
only female in the mission assisting and she is assisting by standing in his way when he
wants to pace and then cuts to another guy laying in one of those plywood chairs being
the very definition of 90s malaise.
He is just really sprawled out and not giving a fuck.
>> Yeah, he's all sorts of relaxed.
>> Then they cut back to Carradine in the lab again being forced to pace around his
would-be assistant.
Then it cuts to the two doofs and then to ground control and finally some fucking dialogue.
Jesus Christ, that was a lot of screen time.
>> In our fifth clip- >> Tell me, Colonel, what chance do they have
up there?
>> I don't know.
Too many unknown factors in the universe.
There's the possibility they'd find another Earth-like planet, but what they will find
and it will be any help to them getting back, well, that's another question.
>> Can't we send a rescue ship?
I feel so helpless just sitting here watching.
>> I don't know, Valerie.
All we can do is wait and hope for the best.
>> They start farming potatoes out of their own feces, then we know that the Martian definitely
ripped this off.
>> Okay.
>> That takes us to the end of the first 20 minutes.
>> Jesus Christ.
>> Yeah, so I know that that long ass eight minute clip of them just doing the launch
is fucking boring, but imagine trying to watch that and take notes about all of that when
I could have just recorded everything.
It was literally just headshots of people in plywood chairs, just headshots of them.
And then the ground control had some neat flashy stuff sort of in the background, but
really wasn't all that fucking great either.
And it was literally just the dialogue that you heard.
In fact, I truncated down a lot of the dead space out of that.
That's why it sounds awful, is I took out all of the bad sound effects in the background
that I will bitch about later in my notes because they are awful and you are all welcome
for that.
>> Yeah.
Have a good day.
>> I am a very, very generous podcast host in that I will cut out the things that annoy
me so that you don't have to hear them.
>> Ta-da.
>> Because if I- >> Part being benevolent for once.
>> For once.
>> Yeah.
>> Just remember, the good court giveth, but the good court taketh away.
>> Matt, so far, have I cut corners in describing the plot or is this literally everything that
you've seen on screen?
>> That is everything.
Yeah, it's everything.
Yeah, you have not cut any corners.
This is it.
>> The only corners that have been cut are the ones that have already been rounded off
by Adamson and the filmmakers.
>> Yeah, right?
No shit.
>> This is not me.
This perfect circle of a weird storyline that they're trying to tell, not me not taking
notes or taking notes poorly.
I paid attention to this fucking thing.
I spent two days doing notes on this thing.
I took it in strides.
I did 20 minutes at a time and took breaks because I knew this was going to be bad.
When I got for the first couple of minutes in and I heard the voiceover of the vampire,
I just paused for a moment and I looked it up.
>> And you're like, "Oh, God."
>> Yeah, I paused for a moment and I looked it up and I'm like, "This has got to be another
one of those clip together movies."
And it is.
You can tell.
And it's about to get worse.
As bad as this first 20 minutes may sound to you folks, this is about to go into territory
where you're like, "Why was this not an MST 3K episode?
This so deserves to be."
>> Yeah, right?
>> It's as nonsensical as pod people or cave dwellers.
>> Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
It is bad.
>> It is.
It really fucking is.
And if you don't believe me, that's fine, folks, because we can just start going onto
the next 20 minutes and you'll see it's- >> Yeah, you're going to see this shit's going
to hit you.
>> All right.
So the next 20 starts on the spaceship.
The whole crew seems to be lounging without hope.
When the satellite pops up and they decide to land on it, I guess, they don't really
say, and they guess the satellite is like orbiting a planet and they've seen it before,
but they can't find the planet.
So they use the satellite to slingshot off of to get to the planet.
It's not clear that just the satellite means there's a planet they can land on somehow,
but it's going to be dangerous and they decide to do it, right?
>> Yeah.
Everything's going to go to hell.
>> Yeah.
Well, they pad out- >> You're just going to do it anyway.
>> They pad out as much runtime as possible with weird annoying noises and stock footage,
as well as poor model shots before they land the thing under no issues, removing all the
strain and fear.
There's no problems at all.
They just very lightly touch down and everything's great.
>> Oh, of course.
I mean, listen, sometimes you need some movie magic.
>> And that movie magic happens to be the expository dialogue they drop on us.
So you know what that means, folks?
Our next clip.
>> Hi, Colonel.
I'm in the Pacific land.
>> Well, what have you got there?
>> Oh, no.
>> I don't believe it.
The atmosphere.
>> It's red.
But why?
>> Well, abnormal radiation here.
>> It's fantastic.
The surface features seem to be identical to Earth, except for that-
>> Red haze.
>> How about that?
And I thought Los Angeles had a smog problem.
>> Gravitational shield indicates it's the same force of gravity as Earth.
>> There's no accretion either.
The atmosphere is steady, the same composition as Earth.
We won't need our suits or oxygen tanks.
Let's prepare to leave ship.
>> Check out pre-physicals and report back to ground control.
>> And be careful.
>> Ground control, this is XP 13, signing off for now.
>> Well, at least they're in a better position than they were.
They can make repairs and attempt to take off.
>> I think we'd better take along a set of communicators.
We have them, I thought of that.
>> Doctor, you're trying to tell us you think there may be animal life out there?
>> The atmospheric and surface conditions are identical.
It's possible.
>> We already have them packed, Doctor.
>> At the end of the clip, they exit the non-existent in the frame spaceship by climbing down a
fucking wooden fucking contractor's ladder that has not even bothered to be wrapped in
any kind of foil to make it even seem slightly like a space age fucking thing.
>> No, man, this is space age wood.
It's different wood than what you know.
>> Sure.
The tinted monochrome in the footage is meant to distract us from the fact that this is the
exact same fucking desert all the other films we have watched have taken place in.
It does not.
>> Now, they exit the screen and take a call from Carradine in our next expository dialogue
clip.
>> How is it out there?
>> The atmosphere is identical to ours.
Breathing is easy.
>> I don't advise your leaving the plateau until we're sure of our location.
>> Do you have any idea yet where we are?
>> I'm not sure.
I'd be prepared for any conditions and situations similar to our patterns on Earth.
>> All right, Doctor.
Come on, let's move over to that high ground.
>> Ground controlled XB-13, repeat, Dr. Reining.
>> Dr. Reining, this is Manning.
Your pre-physicals have just come in and you've had a mild coronary attack.
Under no circumstances you'd leave the ship.
A new atmospheric condition might cause another attack.
Do you read me?
>> I read you.
>> Over there we'll be able to see for miles from that bluff.
Come on, let's get a closer look.
>> Melinda, you wait here.
>> They look like some kind of...
...tree-historic monsters.
>> Oh, boy.
The crew encounter stock footage of brontosaurus that are like plastic toys being pulled by
a fucking string whenever you see it.
>> Of course.
>> Then the film cuts to what is either an elephant that they carpeted to look vaguely
like a woolly mammoth or two people moving very convincingly like an elephant in a really
shitty woolly mammoth puppet or costume.
I can't tell either way.
It's just fucking nerve-racking to see.
It really is.
>> It has to be the back end.
>> No matter what's going on, if that is an elephant that they clearly put some shag carpeting
on then it's uncomfortable and wrong that they did that to the poor elephant.
And if it's two dudes in a fucking puppet woolly mammoth shitty costume that are just
rocking it and actually looking like an elephant, I mean, I just feel bad for everybody that's
involved no matter what the situation is that we just saw.
>> No one's having a good time here.
>> They then cut from this to that carpeted elephant thing chasing some fucking cows of
some sort dressed to look like horned rams or something weird.
And then things go green in color as we see a giant Gila monster looking lizard.
And then some fucking animal cruelty is on display as we see some footage of what is
very clearly an alligator or a crocodile, depending upon if we see it later or after
a while fighting that Gila monster and latching onto its leg and barrel rolling it over and
over and that is fucking upsetting to watch for sure.
>> That is not funny.
>> The scouts call into Carradine so that is more expository dialogue and our next clip.
>> Radio.
Doctor, you were right.
There is life on this planet.
They look prehistoric.
>> How many are there?
>> Too many, Doc.
I think they're having a little disagreement at the moment.
I believe we're on a planet completely identical to Earth.
I believe there's a possibility that intelligent life at one time inhabited the land.
Bring me samples of soil, rock, flora and fauna.
>> Okay, Doc, but the animal life is just a little big for my knapsack.
>> It's like looking at Earth a million years ago.
>> All we need is a Neanderthal man or two to complete the picture.
>> Hey, Willie, will they do?
>> The clip ends with some kind of strange footage of an inter-tribal war of cavemen,
I think, and we watch as this battle breaks off into foot chases and slaughter as what
appears to be a cheetah skin wearing club user type tribe battling bow and arrow using
loin cloth wearers who also toss flaming balls at their opponents.
Like yeah, that's all we see.
>> Yeah, that sounds about right.
>> The scouts call that in as well and the cavemen start a huge brush fire that seems
to be getting out of control before running off and leaving it there for everything to
just continue to burn.
There is more club versus bow fighting and chasing to go into more club versus bow fighting
set to terrible sound effects before they cut to the scouts seeing a woman being chased
by the cavemen in loin cloths so they shoot the men and then collect the woman who is
wearing cotton clothing, like a nightie in panties it looks like.
It doesn't make sense, but she is.
The scouts catch her and she fights them as they call it in, fuck it, expository dialogue
and our ninth clip.
>> Doctor, we've captured a girl who looks human and we've seen some others with snakes
coming out of their bodies.
What do you make of it?
>> There appear to be a number of human-like groups here.
They're not all mutants, which means that there is obviously some form of destruction
here.
Some of them managed to escape.
Others have been deformed as a result.
>> Doctor, we have a subject here.
What now?
>> I have an idea.
Use the communicator.
>> Adam, we can't use that on her.
It's dangerous, but you can use them.
We're merely rearranging her brainwaves electromagnetically.
She'll understand every word you say.
>> I don't think I can.
>> Of course you can.
I'll tell you how.
>> I'll talk you through it.
>> Now, prepare for the incision.
Now, inject syrup.
Use two milligrams more.
Insert needle below the cortical layer.
>> Hang on slowly.
>> I've gotten the needle out.
Pulse rate down.
>> Make hairline incision.
>> Two inches behind the left ear.
>> Right there.
>> Place communicator and vacuum seal in incision.
>> Minimal.
Pulse rate normal.
>> Of course.
It's easy.
Very easy.
I'll give her a shot to relieve migraine.
>> Shot is different.
>> Should be out long?
>> No.
This is just a pain killer.
She'll be around in a minute.
>> She's experiencing severe pain in her head.
>> Head.
>> It works.
It works.
>> Tubertaun.
>> She's slipping back.
>> No, not necessarily.
>> Tugani.
No, you are not Tugani.
>> No, no, no.
Don't be scared.
We're not going to hurt you.
>> No, we are not Tugani.
We came here by accident.
>> Who are you?
>> I am Tugani.
I live here.
>> But do you have a name?
>> I am Tugan.
Tugani.
>> Yeah.
Look, look.
I am Willie.
He is Bob.
She is Linda.
Bryce.
>> Oh, Maylene.
>> Maylene.
>> You live past Tubertaun?
>> Oh, yeah.
Way past.
Way, way past.
>> You bring fire to Tubertaun?
>> No.
>> You bring fire to Tugani?
>> No.
We did not come here looking for you.
We came here by accident.
Why were those people trying to kill you?
>> My people, they are Tugani.
They live in caves over the hill from where you found me.
>> My people do not like to make war.
We have no wish to kill, and only do so when we hunt for food.
We wish only to live in peace with other tribes, but the bloodthirsty Tubertaun will not leave
us alone.
They hate us and wish to destroy us.
>> The clip ends with a cut where the ground control people are fucking while hooked up
to wires and electrodes and a machine makes annoying sounds with lots of flashing tube
lights.
The dude finishes early and apparently disappoints often in our next clip.
>> I've got to go.
>> If I had known we were going to have such a short time, I could have turned it up stronger.
>> Next time we will.
>> I know you need more to get full satisfaction, you know, sometimes I miss the old way of
making love.
>> So do I.
>> Get some rest, honey.
When I get home I'll go through the complete cycle.
>> The film holds on the woman in her semi-afterglow and then cuts to vampire cavemen being killed
by a female warrior with a bow and then a club and then we are back in a flashback with
voiceover apparently with no warning and our next clip.
>> The women had to fight for their lives against the terrible I could have killed them, I could
have scratched their eyes out.
>> I believe you could, I really believe that.
>> Leela then tried to get back to the caves where she would be safe.
>> This leads to more fighting tribes footage that is apparently then and not now, although
it could be now and not then, it's really hard to tell because it jumped around to the
future and then back to a flashback that she's telling but we don't know how far back the
flashback goes only that this is the explanation as to why she's doing what she's doing but
I'm not sure when then will be now.
>> We don't know when then will be now.
>> We also don't know if now is then or if it's then and now.
>> All right, everyone take five.
>> This battle is what the stranded lady that they put the brain probe in is talking about
is what happened that they showed earlier on as well and that I'm not even sure if that's
what's going on because they just keep jumping around and hoping that we'll follow but at
this particular cut we are following the female warrior as her friend is knocked out, has her
back and neck snapped over a rock and then is left to rot in front of her but before
we can see what happens to that warrior, the lady telling the story, Paul, is that the
guy she was talking to is necklace and they abandon that for now I guess and that takes
us to the 40-minute mark of the film.
>> Jesus Christ.
>> Yeah, we're actually over the 40-minute mark by like a couple of minutes but it's
like what does it really matter because if you can explain the plot to me as to what
actually is happening and when all of this stuff is taking place other than the spaceship
is now on the planet and the lady's relaying a message of the warring tribes for years
or months or maybe days, it's hard to tell.
>> Yeah, but it's something.
>> This feels like the very first episode of Doctor Who with Hartnell in it where we
get to see the Thal and the Dalek tribes that are done even more low budget than that with
a lot less care and tinted in color more obviously than what they did with the redux of those
to kind of cover some of the braininess of the original footage.
>> Yeah.
No, yeah.
I get that feeling.
It's like, yeah, one of those old style sci-fis which weren't very, the effects weren't very
special.
>> Right.
It's also really close to the 1950s really low budget like even Japanese style like Prince
of Space kind of horror, like a sci-fi movie or maybe like Queen of Outer Space or some
of the Roger Corman stuff from this era that, you know, they tried to do some space movies
in the 70s that didn't quite work but were still very reminiscent of like old 1950s stuff
and then even Corman did some late 60s, early 50s, like late 50s, early 60s sci-fi stuff
too that is very much cheap like this too.
>> Yeah.
>> It's kind of hard to be mad at the film because it's obviously not taking itself seriously
and it's kind of like they tried to make it for kids almost like it was supposed to be
a Saturday matinee thing to trick it.
>> Yeah, I get that.
Yeah, that's definitely what it kind of seems like.
>> The original caveman footage that is showing up in this and the like various cave creatures
and Brontosaurus toys that are being dragged by a string through mud to look like it's
Brontosaurus is walking between mountains like that kind of stuff is definitely not
shot for this film.
>> No.
>> I don't think any of the clan of the cave bear knockoff shit that's in this and obviously
the clan of the cave bear came way after this but any of the 20 million miles to Earth or
you know a million years BC or whatever stuff that they're going after here with like what
in the fucking hairy house are you trying to steal basically that stuff is definitely
not shot to be in this movie.
>> No.
>> If anything, Adamson shot the vampire shit and the space probe going someplace shit all
separately and found a way to make it all work by bringing back the same actors and
just sort of integrating them into the same scenes and the lady that's talking about how
her friend got hurt and was part of this battle you never really see her with the other cave
people really.
>> No she kind of just she doesn't really ever go back to cave people no more.
>> No she points at them and then the crew follows them so it's it's very clear where
the seams are in this film and you can definitely see the stitching that is holding this fucking
corpse together.
>> Yes yes you can see it's again not very special effects they weren't handled with
great care.
>> No not very good editing either it jumps around a lot it makes absolutely no sense
and at least we get some tits and some weird like sex sort of but we don't really see the
tits we just see like as much nudity as you know that actress would essentially allow
I think with the sex going on on screen and then that guy that is with her and the machine
thing that goes along with it like they're trying really to just throw something salacious
in here to get our attention and hope that we'll be distracted but by 1970 even I don't
think this is enough to work on an audience and I can see where some folks would be a
little disappointed in this.
>> No I can see where a lot of folks would be disappointed in this.
>> I'm certainly disappointed in in 2024 and why don't we just move on.
>> Yeah let's get going.
>> All right the next 20 starts with the lady telling the story Paul's at the guy she was
talking to his necklace in our next clip.
>> Oh that that's from the war.
>> Four.
>> Five.
>> Hot.
>> No no no no no no don't be fine.
>> War.
>> Oh no.
>> Here Dean I think I would like you to have.
>> All right in here.
>> Hot in here.
>> We're late.
>> I'm sorry honey but we're still having trouble with the XB-13 it's lost on one of
our uncharted new planets.
Our interstellar communications tell us that dangerous chromatic radiations are sweeping
over unidentified planets we've been investigating.
From a report from the rocket man crew we found that they've encountered these radiation
fields.
>> Chromatic radiations.
>> Chromatic radiations are something we don't know very much about but we do know they're
extremely dangerous to human life.
The only way we can spot them are by the color changes they produce in the atmosphere.
These changes make everything appear to be one bright color and they can turn from one
color to another at any time.
We have found out from our telemetered information that the most dangerous color is red and we've
gotten our most curious ionic readings from those areas.
>> Imagine everything being turned into one color.
It must be a pretty eerie feeling to wake up one minute with green hair and the next
blue.
>> It's not quite as shocking as that.
I brought home the spectrum gun to show you what is happening with the chromatic radiation
belt in space.
Choose a color.
>> Green.
>> Yeah, it was easy, not about the red and the blue, the yellow.
>> The hope is there for the XP-13.
>> There's always hope as long as they're alive.
Right now, I'd like some relaxation.
It ain't, though.
>> Dude strips down and the sex gear is fired up and they throw down with some seriously
over dramatic panting noises on the soundtrack.
That is quickly drawn out with more bullshit cassette tape sound effects from this era
for sci-fi.
And this scene continues to pad out the film as they writhe naked in bed before the film
cuts from this to what is possibly the continuation of the flashback sequences.
But how the fuck are we to know really what the fuck is supposed to be going on?
>> Yeah, I mean, what do we know?
>> As far as I can tell, based only on the loincloths, this is the snake mutation tribe
versus a loincloth tribe as the dude who looks like Ricky O from the story of Ricky does
battle with his shitload before he is taken down and the vamps feed on him via gang fang
style.
>> Yeah.
>> This is apparently- >> Yeah, another gang fang.
>> This is apparently a flashback sequence that leads to the voiceover and how the fuck
are we supposed to know?
But this is our- >> I don't know.
>> Next clip.
>> We knew we would die if we did not get word to Ramere in the break.
When the fire went out, we would no longer be able to fight off the evil tuba-tan.
There were so many of them.
>> How did you manage to meet up with the tuba-tan?
>> When Caleb did not return, my grandfather had to send out another.
>> Baron ran too slow.
Suki can run faster.
Let me try to go through the tuba-tan and find Ramere.
>> Tuba-tan!
>> After this, the dude speaking- >> That didn't sound a little bit racist at
all.
>> After this, the dude speaking shoots another rival caveman who snuck into their cave.
I think it is not clear why.
And then there is more dialogue, so fuck it at this point.
Next clip.
>> Suki, may the god of fire make you run like the wind and protect you from the tuba-tan.
Go.
Bring Ramere.
>> I think maybe two have better chance.
I decide to sneak out and go with Suki.
>> Malir!
Malir!
>> We run different ways.
Hope if one get caught, other will get away and find Ramere.
After a long time, they almost catch me.
>> What can we do to help your people?
>> The Tigani are not safe unless they can keep the fire burning.
We must have fire water.
The cave where the water is kept, it is not far from here.
>> Bob, that fire water, could that be a form of petroleum?
>> I don't know, Steve.
Hey, you thinking what I'm thinking?
>> A cooling system.
>> Wait a minute.
We can't put crude oil in the cooling system.
>> Doctor, could you distill enough coolant from crude oil to get us off this planet and
back to earth?
>> Possibly, with the equipment we have aboard this ship, yes, I think we could build a small
distillation unit.
>> Then we'll go with her and check this out.
>> There!
Look!
Ramere by river!
>> Oh, boy.
So, the scientist team is somehow at the same river as the bow hunting crew of the cavemen,
and we watch as the caveman clan get into the water and some cheap alien looking things
emerge to the surface in a cut shot.
One of the cavemen is dragged underwater as the rest go looking for the cause, and the
monsters in the water are large, humanoid lobster looking things that battle our hero
for this portion, I guess, for what pads out the film for quite some time, and it is absolutely
dull save for a few shell cracking noises that we hear with the lobster crab fighting
thing.
>> Yeah, great.
>> This violence is taken by the other crab men as a warning, I guess, because they all
back away, and the cavemen crew now make it across the river without a problem, leading
to our 15th clip.
>> There, Suki!
I go with Suki to warn Ramere about Tubatan!
You wait!
Wait here for my lead!
>> The big cave!
Fire water!
Go!
>> Ramere!
>> Suki!
>> The Tubatan attacked our village!
>> Timon, get the fire water!
We will go back to the village and fight the Tubatan!
>> They light some torches and go exploring the cave, this time encountering humanoid bat-like
creatures that are just chilling in there and didn't need to be disturbed.
The humanoid bats attack, and even more time padding is done in this battle as the three
fight and beat down swooping bats one at a time.
This goes on for quite some time and then cuts back to the science crew, chilling while
the lady caveman shows back up and offers to take them to the same cave.
They try to concoct a plan to get containers for the oil, and one crewman splits off to
pad the film with more dinosaur insert footage and wandering around the desert with various
film tints applied to those cut scenes.
The containers he retrieves are simple gas cans that are not futuristic in any way.
I'm just going to say it, they're just regular gas cans that are not futuristic in any way.
>> I mean, is there really anything futuristic in this movie?
>> Our next clip?
Number 16?
>> Looks just like our crude oil.
Let's get these containers filled.
Bob, take the radio and tell the doctor mission accomplished.
>> Dr. Ronnie, we have the petroleum.
>> That's fine.
The distillation unit is almost ready.
>> I think Linda and I can manage the containers.
Billy, you and Bob take Maylene back to her people and see if you can help.
>> Are you going to help my people?
>> We'll do all we can, Maylene.
Just lead the way.
>> You sure you can handle these containers?
>> We'll make it.
>> Okay.
They split up, and that takes us about four minutes past the full first hour mark.
>> Hopefully, Jesus Christ.
>> Yeah.
Not really a whole lot to add, except that this is jumping around so much you have no
fucking clue really what story you're even in and what time it's taking.
>> I felt bad for you having to do the notes for this, kind of.
>> Yeah.
>> I mean, at least yours had an order of operations in which events took place.
This does not even have that.
>> I mean, I don't even know how to even talk about this, other than it's just bad.
It's a bad storytelling.
The bad storytelling part is what makes it worse for me.
Trying to note this movie had to have been almost impossible.
>> I literally am just writing down what's happening on screen and condensing it as best
as possible, because there's no way I'm going to talk about the five to seven minutes of
people just running around throwing spears at each other.
>> Exactly.
>> Yeah.
I was like, "Well, is this supposed to be just their primitive, and now that we can
speak their language, we understand the way that they talk, and they're primitive people,
so this is how they communicate in very truncated sentences that we just sort of understand
the general meanings of, and is that what they're trying to convey here?"
I think you nailed it on the head when you said, "This is slightly racist," because yeah,
a lot of the tribal interaction stuff feels pretty racist, but it feels like it was filmed
in the Philippines by somebody else.
He bought the footage and then made this out of it.
>> Yeah, but it's still fairly racist.
>> Right, but it's like, is that his footage?
Did he do that?
We've already seen some decisions that are racially insensitive, but given the time in
the '60s, was it an intentionally thing to be that insensitive, or was it just you didn't
really worry about it because people didn't think about that sort of thing, or care?
>> Yeah, I guess that's kind of ... I mean, you can make that point, yeah, but I mean ...
>> Watching it now is rough.
No one is arguing that point, my friend.
Not at all.
Yeah.
For multiple reasons ...
>> I don't know what you're saying.
>> For multiple reasons, this is a very unpleasant film to behold now.
That almost adds to its charm in that you are daring yourself to finish it at this point.
>> Yeah, I mean, that is true.
You're trying to figure out if you actually want to be a part of this anymore.
>> Yeah, right around here is where I took my second break for a couple of days, and
then the rest of my notes I finished up right around here and in the morning today.
It's going to get a little more disjointed, and I'm going to be a little bit more pissy,
and I'm going to really kind of forget everything else that happened in the movie, because the
movie itself forgets everything else that happened in it.
No one back on Earth seems even confused or scared or worried about this vampire infestation
that this crew was supposed to be sent to try and deter by going to a planet.
It very clearly also has vampire people in it.
They're more concerned with getting fuel just to get back home, because they think it's
the wrong planet, and no one is realizing that there are vampires battling in this.
The people that are supposed to go get the gas cans filled with the oil have absolutely
no problem with the bats, although the cavemen that go in there have to fight off a plethora
of them.
>> Yeah, it's something all right.
You just gave a synopsis of what's going on in the movie, and it doesn't make any fucking
sense.
>> All right.
I think it's Frankenstein versus the space monster, or conquers the space monster.
I can't remember the exact title of it, but there's this little gem of a piece of shit
low-budget film from the tail end of the late '60s, I think, or late '50s into the '60s.
That is this just completely weird, kinky, strange film out of that era that just does
not feel like it was made in that era.
It feels like it was made nowadays as a spoof of that era of filmmaking, and that's what
this feels like.
It feels like a film that was made to be a spoof of giant Gila monster and a little bit
of the killer shrews with the animals dressed up in costumes that they're clearly not enjoying
killer shrew.
It's just a happy Greyhound that's just running with a carpet on it.
It's like the spirit of that low-budget shit filmmaking done in the most exploitive way
possible to try and make some more money out of a bunch of different footage that you're
just cobbling together.
It just feels like it was edited by somebody on meth who really wasn't interested in paying
close attention to anything.
Yeah, exactly.
That's exactly what it seemed like.
One of the bikers from your fucking movie was the editor on mine.
Yeah, that's what it seems like, probably after the party ends.
Exactly.
Why don't we just go ahead and close this off and do the run to the finish?
Yes, let's get it going.
All right, the run to the finish line starts with three men heading towards battle with
the cave people and two people dragging approximately 10 total gallons of crude oil back to the
ship to become coolant for their ship with distillation or some shit we watch in absolute
boredom as they pad out the film with more adventure hiking action that is neither adventure
or action and is barely hiking.
Yeah, I mean, there's nothing going on.
The duo find a buried ammo can and decide to bring it back to the ship.
They encounter an insert shot of a Gila monster walking at the camera and take aim at it,
but never really fire.
They break to catch their breath and there's some more dialogue.
So fuck it.
That's our 17th clip.
Just look at them.
I can't believe they really exist.
It's awfully sad.
I think this whole trip has been kind of sad.
So many things have gone wrong.
Right?
And start lately, Steve, I've had such a bad feeling.
We're never going to get that.
Well, I think all of us are beginning to show to people going to get back when you say it.
I believe it.
I keep telling you I'll take that we only have to wait a few hours to refuel itself automatically.
Yes.
The unit holds up.
Go back to where you found this box.
Get me some rock sense.
I'm interested in what's surrounded this.
Right.
Wait, let me get some blood samples.
You neglected that young lady.
You make us to baton die.
We cannot think that the gunny cave unless you find a way for us only that the gunny no
you will go ahead of the two but on now the gunny would kill me but they wouldn't hurt.
Leela Leela will go to the cave and bring the gunny out.
No, the gunny woman will stay with the two but not the friend of the two but like his
father was.
He must die.
Yeah, this is what that film is trying to show you as dialogue and worthy of your time
folks and it's not don't let it fool you.
This commences another battle at the end of the clip and is literally too confusing which
cavemen are the ones that we should be rooting for anyway.
So we just watched them fight each other with no clear motivation other than to pad out
the film.
Yeah.
I mean it's safe to assume the fang bearers are evil just because of the vampire angle
of the film that they tried to wedge in at the beginning and that is really a stretch
at this point because who even cares about that after all of this trapped on a planet
of prehistoric mutant shit that should be a cool enough concept to carry it but the
ruse to reuse some form of footage that was otherwise not useful and clearly a bad film
is pretty egregious.
Yeah.
I mean this is pretty bad.
Anyway the battle continues as we watch women be menaced by vampire women and vampire men
be shot by bows.
It should be exciting and it is absolutely not.
I know you think vampire women and human women fighting would be really fun and something
you really want to get into and somehow they've ruined it.
The science crew arrives and starts shooting vamps while the two muscle men duke it out
on some rocks and there is the occasional spear toss with a jump cut to a man being
speared and then some awkward ill-timed dialogue.
Why the fuck not?
That's our 18th clip.
Bob listen.
I'd like to say goodbye to my name alone.
You wait here.
Okay.
What's wrong Willie?
Yeah.
I'm okay.
Yeah.
What dialogue is that?
This cuts back to the muscle men battle and I can't be bothered to remember which one
I am supposed to cheer for but I think it's the one in the normal toned loin cloth and
not the black toned loin cloth because he is the one that wins.
Yes.
This cuts.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
You got it right.
Yeah.
You got it right.
You were rooting for the right guy.
This cuts to the pervy science guy meeting up with the cave woman in our 19th clip.
Well we'd better get you back to your people now huh?
The caves aren't very far from here are they?
No.
They are not far from here.
What's wrong?
You want to go back to your people don't you?
Yes.
I want to go back.
Well then why the sad little lies?
I want to go.
No.
I do not want to go but I have to go.
Well of course you have to go.
You want to rejoin your people.
You want to see them again don't you?
Maybe.
Maybe you will go with me.
Will you?
Oh.
Well I, I really would like that Miley but I can't.
I just, I just can't.
You understand don't you?
No.
I do not understand.
Willie.
You try always to be so funny but you are also very kind and, and especially to me.
You must like me Willie.
Oh yeah.
I, I like you Marlene.
I like you very much.
Oh this is funny.
I find a girl I could really like and it has to be a million miles from earth and that's
really funny.
After you go will you come back Willie?
Oh I don't know Marlene.
I just don't know.
We do have men living on other planets now.
Who knows?
Maybe.
Maybe in a little while.
Marlene I come from a place as far away from here as a place can be.
I just don't know if I.
What?
What is the matter?
I don't know.
I just got dizzy for a moment there.
I'm alright now.
I'm alright.
Well I guess we better get you back.
Come on.
Remember when John Carradine wasn't supposed to leave the ship because he had a milder
coronary but we have never come back to that at all?
No.
Yeah.
That was a nice little thing that they used that apparently we just don't get to hear
about anymore.
The film then cuts to one of the other space crew taking what appears to be a powder break
as that is the only reason to set down your rifle in such hostile territory for fuck's
sakes.
That's a fact.
And he is apparently spotted by a vamp caveman who sneaks up on him and plants a fucking
spear in his chest before a lover boy returns to shoot a pistol load into the vamp.
I mean like all six shots go into the vamp dude.
Yeah.
All six shots right in the vamp.
He shot him six times.
He shot him in the heart.
He shot him six times.
Sir this is a Wendy's.
Oh sorry.
Yeah I'll take the double.
Just pull around to the side.
We're going to have to bring it out to you.
He starts to mourn the loss of his friend.
All the while we wait for the last six minutes to be fucking done.
The cave woman and her lover boy take a walk and the lover boy collapses as though he is
sick or something is wrong.
It cuts to the folks who drag the five gallon gas cans back to the ship talking and we still
have five minutes left of screen time to film.
So that is our 10th ultimate clip.
Can I tell you things that work out?
Dr. Riding is really amazing.
So removed from all of us.
He hardly ever speaks to any of us.
You see that distillation unit?
It's brilliantly constructed.
You know for the first time I really felt confident about getting out of here.
Captain Scott.
Come in please.
Captain Scott.
Come in.
Captain Scott.
Come in please.
Return to ship immediately.
I lost contact.
Radio contact with Captain Scott.
Return immediately.
You understand me?
Return immediately.
You are in extreme danger.
This could be fatal.
We can't return without Willie and Bob.
I'm ordering you to come back here.
If we're not out of here right away we'll all die.
If you can't find them in 10 minutes forget them.
We have to leave anyway.
Linda get to the ship.
Where's Willie and Bob?
Dead.
What are you talking about?
Where are they?
Well take me to them.
The main science officer takes the time to remove the passed out dude's pack and puts
it on his own back and then hauls him back to the ladder that is definitely part of the
ship and in no way shape or form a wooden contractor ladder just leaned against a tree.
Yeah.
I mean come on man.
What are you trying to say?
It's pretty impressive that the actor hauls that dude up that fucking ladder and that
ladder holds both of them at the same time even though it looks like it wants to break
under the tension of both their body weights together on one row.
They don't make him like they used to.
That absolutely is not the case.
So he drops him off with the science officer and our final clip.
Send on over there.
I'll check him later.
In lady, look at the microscope.
I don't understand.
There's no microorganism.
Fool.
Check the leukocyte count.
Oh no.
There are hardly any red corpuscles left in this blood.
Whose is it?
Yours.
All your blood samples show identical characteristics.
The white corpuscles are devouring the red ones.
But there was no radiation in the air.
We've entered a poisoned atmosphere.
The radiation count can't show it.
An examination of this receptacle has convinced me that one time these people were highly
civilized and developed complex weapons based upon the principles of thermonuclear fusion.
They have destroyed themselves.
What's in the atmosphere that did this?
Deadly virus enters the system through the respiratory tract with the air we breathe.
Now it only destroys the blood balance.
It also destroys the chromosome balance.
Those poor devils living there won't last much longer.
But what about us?
We have it in us now too.
We'll be all right.
The virus can't live in the Earth's atmosphere.
Hasn't done us enough damage.
They are doomed.
We'll prepare for launching of rocket.
XB13 to ground control.
Come in ground control.
We're getting out of here.
Ready to fire a rocket?
Target ready.
Countdown.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Zero.
This was a highly civilized and brilliant society at one time.
It wasn't enough for them.
When they had the knowledge of such weapons, they had to use them.
I have no doubt we'll be equally brilliant one day.
They cut to some footage of the spaceship and that's it.
Roll those fucking credits.
Yeah, so that was a film that we saw.
So we watched that movie.
That was a thing that we endured.
That's something we did that, you know, happened.
That movie exists.
Yeah, so it's like not the worst thing that I've ever seen, but it's certainly like the
charm, the charm of the carny tricks that are trying to be pulled.
Definitely not working at least for three weeks in a row for me now.
Yeah, no, we're kind of, I think we're getting used to it now.
I think we even said that in the beginning when that would happen and I think we even
guessed right around this point, not the movies, but how many weeks in we are doing this now.
Yeah, yeah, the charm has worn off and we're at the point now where these are endurance
trials like, hey, you're not going to make it to where I can't finish your shit.
Yeah, no, I mean, we're going to get through this.
I mean, this is, yeah, I'm just going to really, really overindulge myself next year.
Yeah, we've earned some good stuff.
Yeah, we've earned some goodwill towards ourselves after all of this abuse.
Yeah.
I mean, come on.
Right.
You're not a sadist if you don't provide aftercare.
You're just a fucking prick.
Yeah.
Right.
Come on.
That's right.
I believe so.
So yeah, there's no plot line.
There's no real story.
Everything that I just explained to you is everything that happened, everybody.
There is horror and there are some monsters that feed on blood, but there were no specific
monsters made out of blood.
The coolest creatures were like sort of the bat people creatures in the cave and then
the sort of crab monsters in the river.
And this is all just a hodgepodge mass of nastiness.
And I'm just waiting for like the one decent Al Adamson film that I haven't already seen
yet to show up.
And we kind of were a little spoiled with the first two weeks where he was trying a
lot harder, but these are very clearly just re-edited like for the last three weeks at
least.
Yeah, that's definitely how it seems.
Right.
And some of them were more enjoyable than others, but so far we've had way more losses
than wins.
And I'm at the point now where it's like, hey, Herschel Gordon Lewis doesn't seem like
such a fucking shyster.
No, yeah, he seems like he might actually, you know, was trying, doesn't seem like he's
trying to fucking cheat us.
Like he actually was at least trying to make entertaining product as a way to get people
to like his stuff.
Yeah.
I mean, he relied at least on some cheesecake.
Adamson is just 100% hoping that you don't notice that he's pulling a fast one on you
before you get out the door and demand your money back.
You know what?
What's scary is he's getting there to the point where you're not realizing how shit
all this is until it's too late.
Yeah.
You're already locked in.
I mean, this one really, really, really showed its problems right about the halfway point.
Like when the actual mission gets launched and things like that, that you're kind of
giving it a little more leeway, even though it's very cheaply made.
And I mean, like if you just want to watch like a kind of corny sci-fi movie that actually
has some really good effects for its era.
And while like the premise might be a little bit kind of quaky to you, like just go watch
like a Forbidden Planet or Jesus, man, what's the Planet of the Vampires is really the one
I was thinking of, which is like, they don't really wear our space masks or anything like
that.
And they have these sort of bondage leather suits that are weird looking.
And it's essentially the plot of Aliens is Planet of the Vampires, but it's still better
than this.
Yeah.
Right.
Jesus Christ.
Like go watch Planet of the Vampires if you're in the mood for a kind of like what you might
perceive as sort of corny sci-fi, you know, cause it's a little dated.
Go watch that instead.
Don't bother with this.
No, you're not wrong.
I mean, we've already seen this and you watch the movie because we're covering these on
the show.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Our apologies.
Sorry.
You're watching this.
Let's take a little break here and then we'll go into a quick story time and up next on
the pirate radio.
We will have black Sabbath once again, cause I got to do something to make this episode
better with the song electric funeral for obvious reasons and when we come back, we'll
be back.
All right.
I let that go all way, way, way, way, way too long, but I mean, it's black Sabbath.
Who really has the balls to stop black Sabbath before it's time?
Right.
All right.
So I think I figured something out to tell for my next story time.
Do you remember the TNT late night TV series of just all of the really low grade B movies
from like the late fifties, uh, they used to show it called a hundred percent weird
was the name of the show.
And they would just show everything from like the manster to plan nine from outer space
and a bunch of other stuff.
Do you remember a hundred percent weird?
Yeah, I think so.
It was like really late at night.
It was like the block of time that they usually started using for infomercials TNT just played
a hundred percent weird for like years, like from 92 to about I think 96 or something along
those lines.
But I do remember very distinctly it being 1992.
And there's a reason for that.
Oh, okay.
Well, what's that reason?
Uh, that's my story time.
All right.
Well, let's get to it then.
Thank you for setting me up for that.
Uh, so I've made it no, um, hidden secret or thing that I don't really deny is that
I've had insomnia for most of my life as a kid.
I really had a lot of trouble sleeping.
And so I discovered a hundred percent weird on a night that I could not sleep.
I snuck myself out to a TV room and the TV room of our house at the point, which is just
basically like a normal living room where I live as a kid.
Anyway, so I'm flipping through the channels and I can't find any to anything to watch.
And all of a sudden the logo pops up and the singing people that say 100% weird and I'm
like, Oh, what's this?
Like I just came upon that right as that promo hit and it did exactly what it was trying
to do.
It got the attention of someone who was late night surfing to stay on TNT.
Oh yeah.
I remember that I'm 13 years old at the time because it was shortly after school had kind
of started and that this had kind of premiered and I needed to be asleep and I had a bunch
of stuff that I had to do, a bunch of shit that needed to get done.
And obviously a lot of my insomnia clearly gets triggered by anxiety that I have as a
kid that didn't even realize that's what it was.
So I'm sitting there trying to do my thing at 13 years old.
My thing happens to be weed that I stole from a family member that I'll leave unnamed for
their own shame.
Yes.
Shame.
Because for some reason that always helped me sleep even when I was a kid.
So I'm getting high at 13.
I'm watching 100% Weird and Plan 9 From Outer Spaces on the TV.
It is the first time I have ever seen an Ed Wood film in my life at 13.
I finally get to see Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Nice.
It is every bit as inept and stupid and just kind of plain awful as you would expect it
to be.
Now, but this time I had already seen the film Ed Wood by Tim Burton about the man himself,
Ed Wood.
And so my brain went to myself, well, how bad could that be?
Plan 9 From Outer Space is supposed to be the one he's remembered for, for it being the
worst film ever made.
Well, how bad could that be?
How bad can that bad film be?
Right.
And in my notes, notes on that bad.
Yeah, right.
But in my brain, when I see 100% Weird's coming on and then I think it used to be hosted by
Penn and Teller for a while.
I don't think this one was this particular movie.
It was just like one of the later movies when they weren't hosting it anymore.
They just use the bumper logo.
It was like 100% Weird and they're like up next, Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Some call it the worst film ever made.
And I'm like, cool, man.
I just made my cheese sandwich.
I'm high.
I got a chocolate milk.
I'm 13 years old.
I can't fucking sleep.
Let's do this.
Cause my brain keeps going.
How bad can it be?
Pretty fucking bad.
Right.
And the answer is the more I watch of it, the more I'm like, this is fucking awful.
How much worse can it get?
And you know what?
What is all this?
Yeah.
It just keeps getting there.
Then Vampyra comes on screen and I'm somewhat more entertained and somewhat more aroused
because it's, you know, Vampyra and, uh, 13.
So of course.
Yeah.
So that's always going to be a nice thing.
Finished my little snack.
I'm still feeling pretty high, starting to finally get drowsy.
And then I'm telling myself, well, how much longer can this film go?
It's got to be over with soon.
Yeah.
I'm checking the digital guy that happened at the time from the digital cable.
And I'm trying to see, you know, I got to be maybe like a fort 45 ish minutes left in
the film.
And I'm thinking to myself, well, I could probably finish this if I just stay up, wait
just a little bit longer, a little bit longer.
And the next thing I know, my dad is yelling at me, telling me I'm on crack because it's
the next morning and I'm sitting there with a half drank glass of milk still in my hand
passed out on the couch with TNT going in the background.
Jesus Christ.
At least I got some sleep, man.
Yeah, you did.
You mean you just slept a little bit.
So I mean, that's good.
Yeah.
Years and years and years and years later, I've finished the plan nine from outer space
and watch it voluntarily all the time because it is gloriously awful and entertainingly so.
And I even have it on blu ray in a colorized version.
Nice.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
But there is a tradition of me thinking I'm never going to fall asleep, start watching
something truly awful.
And then I wake up by someone yelling at me to shut off the TV or that I got busted by
falling asleep on the couch sitting upright, like what happened with plan nine from outer
space.
And needless to say, from then on out, I was a huge fan of a hundred percent weird because
at least it helped me get some fucking sleep.
Yes.
You know, sleeping's important.
Speaking of that, let's let everybody get some sleep themselves and we'll finish off
this fucking show.
Although most people...
Yeah, I got to get going, man.
So yeah, we got to get moving here.
So we're going to do the show housekeeping and immediately after that we'll come back
with Black Sabbath and Children of the Grave for obvious fucking reasons right after this.
If you've decided you can't get enough of the show and would like to check out more
of it, we're available at legionpodcasts.com.
Just do a quick search for CinemaPsyops or just enter this entire URL into your browser
at www.legionpodcasts.com/cinema-psyops-podcast
Also available along with all of the fellow Legioneers on the Legion Discord chat.
And now let's give you a rundown of the memes and how you're going to get them through
CinemaSciOps.
The easiest place to go is to subscribe to our Instagram feed, which is our main meme
repository at cinema_psyops.
Or you could also follow the Facebook page of CinemaPsyops because they are immediately
posted there.
After they get posted to the Instagram repository.
And you can also check out the Facebook group of CinemaPsyops and the memes are shared there.
I am available on Facebook as QuartzPsyops because the memes are also shared there as
well.
Thanks for listening to the show.
I still can't believe that you're subscribed to us or here every week just like us.
See you next time.
(upbeat music)
(laughing)
- And they weren't wrong.
- Yeah, it definitely fits for the children nowadays
that are trying to undo the damage that our folks did
and that we neglected to do anything about
'cause we're a slacker generation that gave no fucks.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, we gave some fucks.
We tried, we tried our fucking best,
but we didn't have the wealth of information people have now.
You didn't know what atrocities were being done overseas
'cause they could hide that from us.
- While you're out there not buying Matt's excuse
for our fucking complacency
and the tragedies that happened around the world,
kick the fuck out of this week and make it your bitch
while you enjoy After Forever from Black South.
(upbeat music)
- Bunching a little bit.
- There you go.
- Let's see.
All right, I got the first level set for the first movie
and I can always set it during the break.
So I'm gonna be skipping a couple of clips.
I've got 21 in total and I'm gonna skip all the long ones.
And so far I have one clip that's like eight minutes.
This movie was all dialogue.
- Yeah, it was.
- And I'm not fucking writing it.
- But mine wasn't.
- Yeah, yours was like no dialogue
and all motorcycle riding.
- Yeah, a lot of fighting, motorcycle riding,
just tomfoolery.
- All right, so yeah, the longest clip is like eight minutes
and we'll just skip that one.
Nothing else is over five.
So it's not really gonna save us a shit ton
versus the story.
So yeah, I think I'm ready to go.
I just want to compare the levels.
And last thing that you're gonna probably call bullshit on,
I get all black Sabbath for my pirate radio edit
and you don't.
- Rude.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Oh, hi there.
I didn't see you.
You call me cutting a new show.
I'm Bo Ransdell and I'm one of the many creators
you can find on YouTube.
- It's literally all black Sabbath.
(laughing)
- I said, quiet.
My fellow podcasters and I work hard
to bring you the best in horror podcasting,
but that comes at a cost.
- All right, that's good.
Those levels are good.
I think we're ready to roll if you're good to go.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Oh, there's one thing that I'm forgetting to do,
which I need to start doing more often and--
- Recording in progress.
- There we go.
All right, so three, two, one.
Hey, dumbass, when you're fucking editing this later
and your stupid ass realizes
that you had to jump some stuff around,
go back and get the piece that you probably deleted out
like a dumb fuck where you talked about during the clip,
we see the guy going after a chicken in an alley
and then the fang bang and all of that joke stuff
'cause Matt's reactions were perfect
and you're not fucking re-recording it,
so go back and get it back out of there,
you dumb fuck with driving me crazy.
- Yeah.
- I don't know, man.
It sounded really rude to yourself.
Just be nice.
(upbeat music)
- While you're out there not buying Matt's excuse
for our fucking complacency and the tragedies
that happened around the world,
kick the fuck out of this week and make it your bitch
while you enjoy After Forever from Black Sabbath.
I think that kind of fits with the vampires in space motif.
Whatever.
- Oh yeah.
(laughing)
- All right, let's go ahead and stop this.
We will make a very short break
since we're on a truncated timetable
and get right back to it, all right?
- All right, sounds good.
- All right, so let's go ahead and end this bullshit now.
- Recording stopped.