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what's amazing about kids

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from what I've seen is they are

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they're like 10 out of 10 in emotional fluidity

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like they can go from anger to sadness to joy

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to disappointment in like two minutes

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that's right they absolutely can

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yeah and

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and and that's that

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you know most adults are capable of that too

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but we've just we've learnt to shut it down

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hi and welcome back to Raising Men

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today I'm sitting down with Johnny Miller

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founder of Nervous System Mastery

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and the host of the Inner Frontier Podcast

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Johnny's work is all about helping

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high performing leaders founders and creative find calm

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resilience

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and presence in a world that never slows down

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Johnny welcome to raising men

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it's great to be here Shawn

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you know I know that I struggle with this

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I struggle with remaining present

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uh with staying regulated

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especially with the kids it feels to me like sometimes

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my nervous system and I are just

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and we're enemies right

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and you

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you talk a lot about how our nervous system shapes

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how we show up in the world

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and how we can be the mastery of that system

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as opposed to letting the system be the mastery of

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a master of us right

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when you talk about nervous system mastery

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what does that actually mean in everyday terms

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hmm yeah

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well I

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I like that frame of of like

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feeling like the nervous system is your enemy

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and I think you know

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one way to describe it is

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befriending your nervous system and

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and listening to your nervous system

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and having a relationship with it yeah

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um as opposed to feeling like

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either

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like you're a victim or that you need to dominate and

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and kind of like like whip into submission with uh

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you know too much discipline

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um yeah

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that is the framing that we kind of have in our culture

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isn't it it's

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it's it

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you either are the victim of

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of of it and there's no

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you can't you don't have any control

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or you have to have the discipline to

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to beat it into submission

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that is smash through it have grit

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grind hustle

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you know all those different

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different framings so

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I mean I think first and foremost

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the nervous system is is quite literally

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the lens through which we experience life

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and depending on the state of our nervous system

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it depends on what we experience and

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and that impacts the quality of our relationships

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the quality of our attention

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the quality of our creativity

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so for me it really is upstream of so many other things

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and something that I like um

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what

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what I find really interesting and useful for myself

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is this idea of uh

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reducing the half life of reactivity

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so you know

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everyone can probably think of a moment

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probably in the last like 24 hours

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but certainly

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the last week

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where they did something out of like a reactive

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almost like knee jerk reaction

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maybe they said something

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or maybe they just picked up their phone and dooms

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scrolls you know what

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whatever that is and my

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I think like you know

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practical way of framing nervous system mastery is

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reducing the half life of that reactivity

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so instead of being in that reactive hijacked state

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fight flight for you know

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three hours you know

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sometimes three days sometimes three weeks

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you know people spend like weeks or months in this um

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you know with a state of anger or unprocessed grief

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or whatever the emotion is

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and there are very trainable and learnable skills

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um that we can go into

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that's help with reducing that reactivity

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and then ultimately

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creating more agency and creating more intentionality

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that is really what I care about

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I the nervousness stuff is interesting

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but ultimately what I care about is

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how can we live in a way that is in line with our

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our highest aspirations

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and our intentions for who we wanna be

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and the skills the nervous system skills

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I find a very

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it's like a high leverage way of achieving that

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yeah I

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that's that's a really interesting for

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I think about it as you know

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we have the two different brains and

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and one of them is our Conan

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the barbarian brain which we need to be reactive

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if we're in a fight or those

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sorts of things

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and the other one is our Sherlock Holmes brain

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which is you know

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allows us to to apply the

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the more advanced aspects of our brains

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and I find

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that the more time I spend in my Sherlock Holmes brain

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the better my results are

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right and

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and it's just a better life that I end up having

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and my my relationships are stronger and

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you know I get to be

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you know I

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I get to control a lot more of my outcomes if

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if I'm in that state hmm yeah

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interesting I

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I like that frame and I think there's a

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there's a risk in that as well in

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you know I

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I from my

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in my 20s I was in

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in the tech world and I was

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you know very much prized having a strong intellect

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you know having high IQ solving problems

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like that was that was me

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I was like a same type a problem solver

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yeah and um

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I think one of the risks of that and

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and if you know

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the Sherlock Holmes approach to life

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is that it can be somewhat disembodied

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and so if you're and I'm not I

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you know I'm not saying this is necessarily true

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but yeah

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I certainly was almost like numb from my neck down

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I had very low what's known as interoception

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very low somatic awareness

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and as a result I was

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missing all of the data and feedback that was coming

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from my body coming from the signals

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and by not paying attention to that

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I ran into burnout you know

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when I was working on my startup

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I wasn't particularly emotionally attuned

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and there's a whole host of

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issues and problems that come from

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only being in the Sherlock Holmes brain

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if that's not also coupled with

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more embodied intelligence yeah

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if you shut the cone in the barbarian brain off

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and you're not listening to those signals

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then you run the risk of what you're talking about

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and I'll tell you that resonate

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that absolutely resonates with me

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I I

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I don't think I've mastered that at all

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I'm I'm looking forward to talking about the skills

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you're mentioning and

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and the fact is that that composure and what

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what I think you mean

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when you talk about nervous system mastery

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that is a hallmark of maturity

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of success of leadership

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of when

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when we close our eyes and we imagine our best selves

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it often has that component right

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you are you are the master of

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of your outcomes and so you

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you need that in order to be what

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who you wanna be yeah

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well I

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I think all leadership is ultimately self leadership

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yeah and um

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there's an interesting yeah

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I sometimes work with companies and teams

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and the nervous system of an organization

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is a direct reflection

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of the nervous system of the leader

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true

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and I imagine that's also probably true for parents too

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like I imagine your nervous system

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or your kid's nervous system

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is probably a reflection of your nervous system 100%

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yeah and that will probably change

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throughout the course of a day

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or a week or a month yeah

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it it's

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I've always felt um

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that I was so good at remaining

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in in the Sherlock Holmes brain and um

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in a way maybe that that

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that you're describing is being maladaptive or

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or not quite you know

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disembodied

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in exactly the way that you're talking about

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and when my kids came along

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it's like

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they have a magic button that they can use to just

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absolutely just get a rise out of me

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I would get I

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I would get angrier with my children

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I mean at about

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just when it was

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you know my boy would be screaming

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and I wouldn't know how to make him not scream

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and it was because he was colicky

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or he was feeling pain or whatever it was

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and it tapped into something in me that a

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a kind of helplessness a kind of um

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like like I was

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I wasn't fit for the world

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I wasn't capable I can't

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I can't solve this problem

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I can't troubleshoot this problem

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how am I supposed to do anything at all

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and it it enraged me

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and I I'm not used to being angry

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I I never

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so I I'm not a particularly angry person by nature

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and so it was it was something

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that I don't have that skill

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of dealing with that very healthily

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and it was it was really tough for me to deal with and

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um and so I'm interested

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let's get into the skills I'm really into

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so

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there's really two aspects that I really want to tease

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apart here and that is

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what do we do in order to practice nervous

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or develop nervous system mastery in ourselves

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and how do we cultivate that in our boys also

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yeah well

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I mean

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just sticking with that example that you just shared

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is something that I believe

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and I and I have seen in my own experience

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is that

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it's very difficult for us to be with other people

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in emotions that we don't feel comfortable feeling

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and expressing for ourselves

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yeah so

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you know I felt this in

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in my life um

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you know around grief and certainly around anger

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but

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there is an impulse that a lot of us have to try and

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like fix other people's emotions

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and I think that core impulse comes from a

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like a discomfort or a dis

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a disease

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with that emotion being brought up in ourselves

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when someone else is experiencing it

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so I I think that is actually a core dynamic

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that is underlying a lot of the nervous system work

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is essentially essentially

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I can go into the specific skills

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but it comes down to

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can we just welcome the full spectrum of our

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experience as it's arising

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like that that's simplest possible way of saying it

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that's basically what it comes down to

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but within that there are kind of specific skills

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uh one of them I mentioned earlier

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00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,833
which is this idea of interception

282
00:10:18,833 --> 00:10:22,966
which is when let let's say that anger is arising

283
00:10:22,966 --> 00:10:26,033
it's like not only being having the story of like

284
00:10:26,033 --> 00:10:27,266
oh this thing just happened

285
00:10:27,266 --> 00:10:28,200
so I'm really angry

286
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,166
but it's like being in touch with there is a

287
00:10:31,666 --> 00:10:34,300
there is like a heat in my chest or there is like a

288
00:10:34,566 --> 00:10:37,966
my palms are like sweating or there's like a um

289
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,266
an an energy or electricity in my belly

290
00:10:40,266 --> 00:10:40,566
you know

291
00:10:40,566 --> 00:10:43,000
there's all of these sensations that come along

292
00:10:43,166 --> 00:10:44,400
with the

293
00:10:44,433 --> 00:10:48,166
with the experience of anger and tuning into those and

294
00:10:48,166 --> 00:10:48,966
and particularly

295
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:51,833
noticing them when they're like a 2 or 3 out of 10

296
00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:53,900
as opposed to like 11 out of 10

297
00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:56,366
yeah once it's 11 out of 10 you're

298
00:10:56,366 --> 00:10:57,866
you're done right

299
00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:58,800
11 out of 10 I don't know

300
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,966
like full rage blackout like you can yeah

301
00:11:02,066 --> 00:11:04,566
fill in the blank so interception is

302
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:05,933
is really like um

303
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:08,266
like a lead domino skill if you don't have that

304
00:11:08,266 --> 00:11:10,500
it's very hard to to do anything else

305
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:12,666
and then the seconds

306
00:11:13,166 --> 00:11:17,700
let's say pillar of skills is a self regulation um

307
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:21,000
and I categorize this into top down

308
00:11:21,033 --> 00:11:24,466
bottom up and outside in and this is where the

309
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:26,333
this is where the agency piece comes online

310
00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:28,533
in that there are

311
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,766
very effective practices and protocols

312
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:34,600
which can up or down regulate our nervous system state

313
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,566
depending on what is appropriate at the time

314
00:11:36,566 --> 00:11:39,333
so for a lot of people they'll be

315
00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:39,833
let's say

316
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:42,566
underdeveloped in the down regulation category

317
00:11:42,566 --> 00:11:44,500
so whether they're feeling anxiety

318
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:46,066
or frustration or anger

319
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,966
it's very helpful to be able to do a breathing practice

320
00:11:49,966 --> 00:11:51,833
do humming do orienting

321
00:11:51,833 --> 00:11:53,400
there's a number of these different things

322
00:11:53,566 --> 00:11:56,200
and come back into a

323
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,966
within what's known as your window of tolerance

324
00:11:57,966 --> 00:12:00,866
which is basically where you can be with what

325
00:12:00,866 --> 00:12:03,200
what is arising without disassociating

326
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,400
without blaming without reacting um

327
00:12:06,966 --> 00:12:10,000
and just be with whoever or whatever is arising

328
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:13,300
and then the third category is emotional fluidity

329
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:18,000
which is circling back to the idea of welcoming

330
00:12:18,366 --> 00:12:20,300
all of the emotions as they're arising

331
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:22,933
without trying to fix get rid of

332
00:12:23,366 --> 00:12:24,466
push away

333
00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:25,966
uh blame

334
00:12:26,233 --> 00:12:28,666
project etcetera um

335
00:12:28,666 --> 00:12:30,300
so I can go into you know

336
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:31,433
any one of those but that's

337
00:12:31,433 --> 00:12:33,133
that's a um

338
00:12:33,233 --> 00:12:36,266
that's what I describe of

339
00:12:36,266 --> 00:12:38,400
that's what what I describe as nervous mastery in a

340
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:39,800
in a nutshell yeah

341
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:40,633
no I love that

342
00:12:40,633 --> 00:12:43,066
let's so let's drill down into each of those in turn

343
00:12:43,066 --> 00:12:46,133
we'll start with introspection um

344
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,800
I'd like to understand go

345
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:48,600
sorry go ahead

346
00:12:48,666 --> 00:12:50,866
interception different from introspection

347
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:51,800
interception

348
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,200
uh

349
00:12:53,433 --> 00:12:53,900
what okay

350
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:54,866
say the word again

351
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:59,233
interception intero interception

352
00:12:59,233 --> 00:13:01,033
which is the opposite of extraception

353
00:13:01,033 --> 00:13:03,633
which is like awareness of senses

354
00:13:03,633 --> 00:13:07,100
sounds sight around us okay

355
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,633
uh alright okay

356
00:13:08,633 --> 00:13:09,600
yeah that

357
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:10,400
uh

358
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:11,000
I I

359
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,766
that is that's a new word to me

360
00:13:12,766 --> 00:13:15,333
so what does that what does that mean

361
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,800
how and how do I

362
00:13:17,900 --> 00:13:20,100
how do I trigger myself to do that

363
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:23,533
rather than what I would naturally do in

364
00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:25,266
response to stimulus uh huh

365
00:13:25,266 --> 00:13:26,466
and how do I you know

366
00:13:26,466 --> 00:13:28,266
how do I cultivate that in my boy

367
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:30,000
hmm hmm

368
00:13:30,566 --> 00:13:32,566
so what is it um

369
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:35,100
working definition is basically

370
00:13:35,433 --> 00:13:37,466
how aware of your

371
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,366
internal landscape are you at any point in time

372
00:13:40,366 --> 00:13:41,366
so it you know

373
00:13:41,366 --> 00:13:42,833
includes like are you sleepy

374
00:13:42,833 --> 00:13:44,400
are you hungry are you too hot

375
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,933
you too cold do you need the toilet

376
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,700
um but also what sensations are you noticing

377
00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:51,966
like what what mood is present

378
00:13:51,966 --> 00:13:53,300
what's uh

379
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,566
is there an emotional tone

380
00:13:54,566 --> 00:13:56,700
is the joy is the sadness

381
00:13:56,766 --> 00:13:57,866
etcetera etcetera

382
00:13:57,866 --> 00:13:58,900
and um

383
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,200
I find it's helpful to have some kind of like

384
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,200
daily practice to just tune in

385
00:14:04,466 --> 00:14:06,166
and you can think of this as like a

386
00:14:06,233 --> 00:14:08,066
an interceptive weather report

387
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:09,233
so it can just take you know

388
00:14:09,233 --> 00:14:11,900
a minute or two but ideally before you start the day

389
00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:14,700
before all the inbound from life kind of starts stream

390
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:17,266
streaming in before the kids are jumping on your bed

391
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:18,366
yeah um

392
00:14:18,366 --> 00:14:19,400
just tuning in and

393
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,866
and acknowledging and noticing what is there um

394
00:14:22,866 --> 00:14:24,300
and I like to think of

395
00:14:24,366 --> 00:14:25,600
you're tuning into your awareness

396
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,200
is it does it feel contracted

397
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,833
does it feel expansive tuning into your posture

398
00:14:29,833 --> 00:14:31,966
do you feel like straight and upright

399
00:14:31,966 --> 00:14:33,766
and um

400
00:14:34,233 --> 00:14:36,500
present and then tuning into your

401
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,833
your emotions or your sensations

402
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:41,166
like what is the what is the tone of

403
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:42,200
uh

404
00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:43,966
that is present um

405
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:46,766
and then using that as data to inform

406
00:14:47,166 --> 00:14:49,066
you know maybe you notice some tiredness

407
00:14:49,066 --> 00:14:50,866
maybe your kids kept you up for hours

408
00:14:50,866 --> 00:14:52,866
and you wanna schedule a nap

409
00:14:52,866 --> 00:14:54,666
or take a few things off the calendar for that day

410
00:14:54,666 --> 00:14:56,700
to recover um

411
00:14:56,833 --> 00:14:57,900
or maybe you have a lot of energy

412
00:14:57,900 --> 00:14:59,400
a lot of creativity and you wanna tap into that

413
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,266
you wanna schedule some deep work time to express that

414
00:15:02,433 --> 00:15:04,633
um or maybe there's some emotion

415
00:15:04,633 --> 00:15:05,666
maybe it's like

416
00:15:05,666 --> 00:15:08,533
residual anger or sadness from the day before

417
00:15:08,566 --> 00:15:11,033
that you wanna set aside a bit of time to just like

418
00:15:11,033 --> 00:15:12,966
feel through and process and get to the bottom of

419
00:15:12,966 --> 00:15:16,366
so it doesn't come out in a kinked way to your wife

420
00:15:16,366 --> 00:15:18,000
or your kids or whoever it is

421
00:15:18,366 --> 00:15:20,033
yeah and then

422
00:15:20,033 --> 00:15:23,800
it also seems like that

423
00:15:24,433 --> 00:15:27,666
sort of tool is also really helpful

424
00:15:28,433 --> 00:15:32,000
like if you see your your boy start to get dysregulated

425
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,900
and he starts to freak out and get really

426
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:34,900
really upset I had a

427
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:38,933
I had a situation this morning where um

428
00:15:39,566 --> 00:15:41,833
uh my boy had gone downstairs

429
00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:44,300
and he was making himself some breakfast

430
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,500
and so he's 6

431
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:50,166
and then the girl went down and she is only 3

432
00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:54,566
so she's unable to pour her own bowl of cereal

433
00:15:55,166 --> 00:15:58,800
and pour milk in it so she was

434
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:05,100
asking the boy for help and he was just ignoring her

435
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,600
and it was very frustrating for her obviously

436
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:11,300
and so she came back upstairs into our room

437
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,066
and was upset and complaining

438
00:16:14,066 --> 00:16:15,000
and so I I

439
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,166
I went downstairs

440
00:16:16,166 --> 00:16:20,600
and I asked the boy to help her with her cereal

441
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,766
and he agreed to do it but he really didn't want to

442
00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:27,866
and so he was kind of grousing and all of that stuff

443
00:16:27,866 --> 00:16:30,033
and I you know

444
00:16:30,033 --> 00:16:31,466
I was I was rushed

445
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,700
I was in I was kind of in a hurry

446
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,033
and I I ended up getting pretty upset with him like

447
00:16:37,033 --> 00:16:38,400
dude I

448
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,700
you know we help each other in this family

449
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,666
and I'm asking you to help me

450
00:16:43,666 --> 00:16:46,066
I'm not asking you to help your sister even

451
00:16:46,066 --> 00:16:47,166
I'm asking you to help me

452
00:16:47,166 --> 00:16:48,266
otherwise I have to go do it

453
00:16:48,266 --> 00:16:53,033
and I'm in a towel I just got out of the shower and um

454
00:16:53,033 --> 00:16:55,300
you know I kind of expressed my disappointment at him

455
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:58,200
but what I didn't do is

456
00:16:59,233 --> 00:17:01,666
sit down with him and get him to tap into

457
00:17:01,666 --> 00:17:03,200
why are you feeling so frustrated

458
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:04,466
about just pouring your sister a

459
00:17:04,466 --> 00:17:06,500
a bowl of cereal here and

460
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:07,033
that

461
00:17:07,033 --> 00:17:09,100
probably would have been a better way to handle that

462
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:10,766
I suspect hmm

463
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:11,666
yeah well

464
00:17:11,666 --> 00:17:12,600
I mean this I

465
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,400
I share my thoughts

466
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,233
with the caveat that I don't yet have kids

467
00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:17,400
my wife is pregnant

468
00:17:17,566 --> 00:17:20,866
we're super excited to have our first Dora and pretty

469
00:17:20,866 --> 00:17:21,633
soon now right

470
00:17:21,633 --> 00:17:22,566
in about three months time

471
00:17:22,566 --> 00:17:23,500
yeah so next

472
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:24,200
well March

473
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,800
March coming up pretty soon wow

474
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:26,466
um but

475
00:17:26,466 --> 00:17:26,700
you know I

476
00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:28,566
I love what you just said there

477
00:17:28,566 --> 00:17:30,400
and I think that for me that yeah

478
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,766
you know the key is

479
00:17:31,766 --> 00:17:34,000
it really is that non judgmental curiosity

480
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,600
like that's the key piece

481
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,066
whether it's for your kid

482
00:17:37,066 --> 00:17:38,766
whether it's for a loved one

483
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:39,800
or whether it's for yourself

484
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,133
and um

485
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:43,600
if it's you know

486
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,100
if it's if it was your own anger and you had a little

487
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,200
you know a couple of minutes of spaciousness

488
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:50,766
it's it's like tuning in and be like huh

489
00:17:50,766 --> 00:17:52,566
like I'm noticing that I'm angry

490
00:17:52,566 --> 00:17:53,000
like what

491
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,566
what is it what is the sensation

492
00:17:54,566 --> 00:17:55,800
what is underlying this like

493
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,100
what's the story yeah

494
00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:59,500
and it's the curiosity without an agenda

495
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:02,000
and without judgement which is simple

496
00:18:02,233 --> 00:18:04,900
but also really freaking hard

497
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:06,100
especially if you know

498
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:07,466
you're saying you're in a rush this morning

499
00:18:07,466 --> 00:18:09,466
and yeah it's it that's

500
00:18:09,466 --> 00:18:12,000
that's when this stuff is simple

501
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,633
but not easy at all and

502
00:18:13,633 --> 00:18:14,700
you know especially for kids

503
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:15,800
I think often

504
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,300
kids just want to be seen

505
00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:19,600
and validated in their emotional experience

506
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:22,300
and curiosity is a great way to do that

507
00:18:22,466 --> 00:18:23,566
you can just say like like hey

508
00:18:23,566 --> 00:18:24,033
like what's

509
00:18:24,033 --> 00:18:25,066
what's coming up for you like

510
00:18:25,066 --> 00:18:26,666
I see that you're see that you're

511
00:18:26,666 --> 00:18:28,166
you're kind of angry right now like

512
00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:29,566
like tell me about that and

513
00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:30,466
and it it

514
00:18:30,466 --> 00:18:31,233
I think I mean

515
00:18:31,233 --> 00:18:32,233
what's amazing about kids

516
00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:34,500
from what I've seen is they are

517
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:37,233
they're like 10 out of 10 in emotional fluidity

518
00:18:37,233 --> 00:18:40,533
like they can go from anger to sadness to joy

519
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,733
to disappointment in like two minutes

520
00:18:42,766 --> 00:18:44,633
that's right they absolutely can

521
00:18:44,633 --> 00:18:45,066
yeah and

522
00:18:45,066 --> 00:18:45,866
and and that's that

523
00:18:45,866 --> 00:18:48,233
you know most adults are capable of that too

524
00:18:48,233 --> 00:18:51,000
but we've just we've learnt to shut it down

525
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,000
we have yeah

526
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,500
conditioning and contraction

527
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,866
and stories that just get in the way of that

528
00:18:56,033 --> 00:18:58,066
um but really

529
00:18:58,433 --> 00:18:58,800
really

530
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:02,166
we're aspiring to the level of emotional fluidity of

531
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:03,400
young children yeah

532
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,900
with some of the higher level

533
00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:07,766
meta awareness and skills that come with maturity

534
00:19:07,833 --> 00:19:09,233
yeah there's attention there right

535
00:19:09,233 --> 00:19:12,000
if you are really emotionally fluid

536
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,533
but don't have any

537
00:19:14,566 --> 00:19:17,400
influence over what emotional state you end up in

538
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,200
that can be really maladaptive

539
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:20,900
I would think

540
00:19:21,466 --> 00:19:22,433
actually you know

541
00:19:22,433 --> 00:19:24,066
finally like most people would think that

542
00:19:24,066 --> 00:19:26,400
but I I actually don't

543
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,000
I don't think that that um

544
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,533
that's true um

545
00:19:30,266 --> 00:19:33,566
as long as the this is the key caveat

546
00:19:33,666 --> 00:19:36,133
as long as the emotions aren't being

547
00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:38,500
used to subtly manipulate

548
00:19:38,966 --> 00:19:40,966
and what I mean by that is

549
00:19:40,966 --> 00:19:43,666
you know some people when they're angry

550
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,700
they're angry at someone else

551
00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:46,600
and it's basically

552
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,366
a way of trying to get what they want

553
00:19:48,566 --> 00:19:51,600
or trying to actually not acknowledge

554
00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,800
or accept ownership of their anger

555
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,733
and blaming someone else for it

556
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,933
that's that's very different from

557
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,166
letting the anger move through you

558
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:02,066
maybe just like stomping on the ground

559
00:20:02,066 --> 00:20:03,400
be like like

560
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,733
fuck this like that and moving it that way

561
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:08,733
it moves through very quickly

562
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:11,133
and then you come back to a place of like

563
00:20:11,233 --> 00:20:12,300
grounded calm and sadness

564
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:12,766
and and this

565
00:20:12,766 --> 00:20:13,666
you know the same with sadness

566
00:20:13,666 --> 00:20:15,300
like this is actually more common with

567
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:16,633
this is somewhat controversial to say

568
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:18,033
but it's somewhat more common with women

569
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:20,266
who will sometimes use sadness

570
00:20:20,266 --> 00:20:21,166
or disappointment

571
00:20:21,166 --> 00:20:23,633
to then manipulate the outcome of other people

572
00:20:23,633 --> 00:20:26,700
sure and it's another way of um

573
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,700
and I'm not saying this out of judgment

574
00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:29,633
I'm just saying that

575
00:20:29,633 --> 00:20:32,333
that it's a protective strategy that we learn

576
00:20:32,366 --> 00:20:33,766
because it can be

577
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,766
it is often uncomfortable to feel those emotions

578
00:20:36,766 --> 00:20:37,500
for ourselves

579
00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:39,366
and to take full ownership of those emotions

580
00:20:39,366 --> 00:20:40,166
for ourselves

581
00:20:40,766 --> 00:20:42,466
and so coming back to parenting

582
00:20:42,666 --> 00:20:47,900
the more that we're able to learn the skills of fluidly

583
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:48,400
welcoming

584
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:52,766
and expressing our own full spectrum of emotions

585
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,200
the more that kids will model that from us

586
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,333
and just like learn that as a default

587
00:20:58,566 --> 00:20:59,766
because kids I'm sure

588
00:20:59,766 --> 00:21:00,433
you know like from

589
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:02,200
from what I've heard from what I've seen

590
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,433
kids don't really do what we say

591
00:21:03,433 --> 00:21:07,400
but they do model what we do yeah

592
00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:08,033
yeah and

593
00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:08,966
and there's

594
00:21:09,666 --> 00:21:12,600
I think it's an important skill to be able to first

595
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,600
model the thing and then

596
00:21:15,833 --> 00:21:17,600
and then call attention to it

597
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:18,766
right to

598
00:21:18,766 --> 00:21:22,900
to anchor it in their exactly in their cognitive brain

599
00:21:23,166 --> 00:21:24,266
yeah and

600
00:21:24,266 --> 00:21:27,266
but it's absolutely true that they

601
00:21:27,266 --> 00:21:29,166
don't do what we say at all

602
00:21:29,166 --> 00:21:30,533
in fact they don't even hear you

603
00:21:32,366 --> 00:21:35,366
they just they just go do yeah

604
00:21:35,366 --> 00:21:38,200
and and you have to

605
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:39,866
you have to demonstrate

606
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,200
so so just coming back to the interception piece

607
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:44,533
so this is something that um

608
00:21:44,833 --> 00:21:46,766
again this is currently theoretical for my wife and I

609
00:21:46,766 --> 00:21:51,666
I'm sure that when it comes practically in

610
00:21:51,666 --> 00:21:54,200
in three to five three to six months from now yeah

611
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:54,566
yeah yeah

612
00:21:54,566 --> 00:21:56,633
but but something that I think we're gonna

613
00:21:56,633 --> 00:22:00,000
really attempt to do our best to do is to constantly

614
00:22:00,466 --> 00:22:01,266
um

615
00:22:02,633 --> 00:22:03,600
be referring

616
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,266
our daughter back to her own internal experience

617
00:22:06,266 --> 00:22:10,366
so instead of saying like good job or good girl or um

618
00:22:10,466 --> 00:22:13,200
praising or rewarding or or certainly punishing in

619
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,166
in any way but instead being like

620
00:22:15,166 --> 00:22:16,566
like how did that feel

621
00:22:16,566 --> 00:22:17,966
like how was it

622
00:22:17,966 --> 00:22:20,000
how did it feel in your body to do X

623
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,700
y or Z and do you wanna do that again

624
00:22:22,700 --> 00:22:23,833
like did that feel good

625
00:22:23,833 --> 00:22:25,666
and just constantly um

626
00:22:25,666 --> 00:22:28,166
encouraging that self referential nature

627
00:22:28,166 --> 00:22:31,400
so that she's not looking to us for praise or blame

628
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:32,300
or reward or whatever

629
00:22:32,300 --> 00:22:34,000
but she's just tuning into

630
00:22:34,433 --> 00:22:36,666
listen to her own interceptive experience

631
00:22:36,666 --> 00:22:39,266
and trusting that and if something feels good

632
00:22:39,366 --> 00:22:42,766
then it's likely that she'll want to keep doing it more

633
00:22:42,766 --> 00:22:44,300
but not because we say that's good

634
00:22:44,300 --> 00:22:49,200
but because it feels inherently good for her to do yeah

635
00:22:49,900 --> 00:22:52,466
yeah I think that's a really

636
00:22:53,966 --> 00:22:54,766
uh

637
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,466
valuable strategy I I

638
00:22:59,466 --> 00:23:01,700
it's it's gonna be really tough

639
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,833
um to do and

640
00:23:04,833 --> 00:23:05,366
and but I

641
00:23:05,366 --> 00:23:06,600
I think I

642
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:07,900
I think it's

643
00:23:07,900 --> 00:23:10,500
that's the game right there is the whole game

644
00:23:11,066 --> 00:23:13,366
and um you'll

645
00:23:15,066 --> 00:23:16,300
you'll be able to do it

646
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,466
I think you'll be able to do it and um

647
00:23:21,566 --> 00:23:23,800
what do you so we talked a little bit about the

648
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,700
the daily practice of checking in with yourself

649
00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:26,466
and I I

650
00:23:26,466 --> 00:23:29,433
I mean I guess that exercises the muscle

651
00:23:29,433 --> 00:23:32,600
right and gets you started on

652
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,066
it'll allow first of all

653
00:23:34,066 --> 00:23:38,133
it exercises the muscle of being able to

654
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,100
inspect your internal state

655
00:23:40,266 --> 00:23:43,100
but then it also allows you to

656
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,600
change the plan for the day to

657
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:47,700
you know to

658
00:23:47,700 --> 00:23:49,666
to be more uh

659
00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:51,466
in tune to that that's that

660
00:23:51,466 --> 00:23:51,600
you know

661
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,666
that's part of the purpose of that daily practice

662
00:23:53,666 --> 00:23:54,800
that you were talking about

663
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,833
what about during the day and throughout the day

664
00:23:57,833 --> 00:23:58,800
when you're in the thick of it

665
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:00,966
you're in the weeds you're

666
00:24:01,166 --> 00:24:01,766
you know you're

667
00:24:01,766 --> 00:24:04,600
you're traipsing through the jungle how

668
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,666
what are some ways that you can start to notice

669
00:24:07,766 --> 00:24:09,833
the state of your own nervous system

670
00:24:09,833 --> 00:24:13,300
throughout the day hmm yeah um

671
00:24:15,633 --> 00:24:16,900
again it's

672
00:24:17,633 --> 00:24:18,600
this can be challenging

673
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,433
especially for folks that have full busy schedules

674
00:24:21,433 --> 00:24:23,400
full calendars um

675
00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:26,266
I like to try and have little check in points

676
00:24:26,266 --> 00:24:28,066
in transition moments during the day

677
00:24:28,066 --> 00:24:29,866
so whether that's uh

678
00:24:29,866 --> 00:24:33,566
between let's say like morning work shift and lunch

679
00:24:33,566 --> 00:24:35,466
have a little kind of 5 10 minute

680
00:24:35,466 --> 00:24:37,133
pause um

681
00:24:37,166 --> 00:24:40,300
if I have time I love the practice of yoga

682
00:24:40,300 --> 00:24:41,933
yoga Nidra or NSDR

683
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,933
which is a kind of 15 to 30 minutes

684
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:46,966
like guided body scan

685
00:24:46,966 --> 00:24:50,766
that feels like a power nap on steroids

686
00:24:50,766 --> 00:24:52,033
is probably the best way to put it

687
00:24:52,033 --> 00:24:54,466
and it's actually really helpful for

688
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:56,366
cultivating interception as well

689
00:24:56,366 --> 00:24:57,166
because

690
00:24:57,566 --> 00:25:00,000
when you're scanning different points around your body

691
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,566
you're actually bringing more high definition awareness

692
00:25:03,666 --> 00:25:05,600
to those different parts of your body

693
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,933
and I like in this to uh

694
00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:10,800
like a chef going to culinary school

695
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,100
and you kind of develop your flavor palette

696
00:25:13,100 --> 00:25:14,800
you also develop your kind of

697
00:25:15,066 --> 00:25:17,800
internal palette of the more kind of subtle

698
00:25:18,066 --> 00:25:18,866
high definition

699
00:25:18,866 --> 00:25:20,433
sensations that you might otherwise miss

700
00:25:20,433 --> 00:25:23,066
so I think I'm a huge fan of NSDR

701
00:25:23,066 --> 00:25:25,066
and non sleep depressed if

702
00:25:25,066 --> 00:25:27,266
if time is available and it's

703
00:25:27,266 --> 00:25:28,866
you know it's amazing if you didn't get much sleep

704
00:25:28,866 --> 00:25:31,033
it's I've seen studies that it's you know

705
00:25:31,033 --> 00:25:33,366
the equivalent of about two hours sleep

706
00:25:33,366 --> 00:25:34,800
from a 30 minute practice

707
00:25:34,933 --> 00:25:36,566
so it's very high yeah

708
00:25:36,566 --> 00:25:39,000
like high ROI in in in that sense

709
00:25:39,100 --> 00:25:40,366
um many people do it

710
00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:42,066
like first thing when they wake up in the morning

711
00:25:42,066 --> 00:25:43,966
or after lunch which is yeah

712
00:25:43,966 --> 00:25:45,366
you know in line with your circadian rhythm

713
00:25:45,366 --> 00:25:48,266
so that's super super practical

714
00:25:48,266 --> 00:25:51,033
and I mean that that can that can gain you time

715
00:25:51,033 --> 00:25:51,466
I I mean

716
00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:53,000
if that's really how it works

717
00:25:53,100 --> 00:25:55,466
gain you time then that you know

718
00:25:55,466 --> 00:25:56,833
you at the at you know

719
00:25:56,833 --> 00:25:59,833
you're taking 30 minutes to get way more than that

720
00:25:59,833 --> 00:26:01,700
on the back end of that exactly

721
00:26:01,700 --> 00:26:03,200
exactly wow

722
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:04,366
yeah so where

723
00:26:04,366 --> 00:26:06,533
where do I learn more about NSDR

724
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:11,300
um Andrew Huberman actually coined the term OK

725
00:26:11,300 --> 00:26:14,266
it's his version of uh

726
00:26:14,500 --> 00:26:16,833
yoga Nidra and yoga Nidra has more

727
00:26:16,833 --> 00:26:19,033
let's say like mystical and spiritual language

728
00:26:19,033 --> 00:26:19,833
sure throwing in

729
00:26:19,833 --> 00:26:22,666
so he just wanted to kind of like extract the

730
00:26:22,700 --> 00:26:25,066
the practice itself without the additional

731
00:26:25,100 --> 00:26:26,800
like intention setting and

732
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,766
and yes mystical pieces um

733
00:26:28,766 --> 00:26:30,166
I've recorded some

734
00:26:30,166 --> 00:26:33,466
if you just Google Johnny Miller NSDR or YouTube

735
00:26:33,466 --> 00:26:35,066
there's a couple on there uh

736
00:26:35,066 --> 00:26:36,666
we also have an app called State Shifts

737
00:26:36,666 --> 00:26:38,966
where there's some recordings on there as well

738
00:26:39,133 --> 00:26:41,433
and there's also a lady that I listen to

739
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:42,866
her name is Ali Boothroyd

740
00:26:43,466 --> 00:26:45,866
and she has a bunch of great ones on YouTube

741
00:26:46,266 --> 00:26:48,166
a l l y Boothroyd

742
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:50,466
and she's great

743
00:26:51,233 --> 00:26:52,766
she has like a nice relaxing voice too

744
00:26:52,766 --> 00:26:55,300
she's probably probably better voice than I do so

745
00:26:57,666 --> 00:26:59,466
I love that thank you for the

746
00:26:59,466 --> 00:27:00,966
those pointers I

747
00:27:00,966 --> 00:27:02,900
that's a that's tremendous

748
00:27:02,900 --> 00:27:03,900
I'm gonna give that a shot

749
00:27:03,900 --> 00:27:05,800
and I I mean I

750
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:08,633
I've always been so resistant to that sort of thing

751
00:27:08,633 --> 00:27:12,000
and opening up to it now it's

752
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:12,300
and you know

753
00:27:12,300 --> 00:27:14,866
it's it's much easier than meditation because yeah

754
00:27:14,866 --> 00:27:16,800
you don't have to do anything yeah

755
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:18,066
you just lie there and listen and

756
00:27:18,066 --> 00:27:20,500
and there's just a very slight trace of awareness

757
00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:21,800
that you're moving your awareness

758
00:27:22,166 --> 00:27:23,033
through different parts of your body

759
00:27:23,033 --> 00:27:25,766
and the feeling that you get afterwards

760
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,600
it's like it's like a second wind

761
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:29,366
it's like I don't know I

762
00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:30,666
I love it I

763
00:27:30,666 --> 00:27:31,433
I yeah

764
00:27:31,433 --> 00:27:33,100
I can't recommend it highly enough

765
00:27:33,100 --> 00:27:34,300
it's such a good practice

766
00:27:34,300 --> 00:27:36,000
yeah I um

767
00:27:37,233 --> 00:27:40,466
I've done yoga a handful of times in my life

768
00:27:40,466 --> 00:27:44,733
and I just did it again this past Saturday

769
00:27:45,066 --> 00:27:46,600
and I went with my wife

770
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,000
and we did a yoga class together

771
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:56,366
and it was I felt that at the end of that and I

772
00:27:56,366 --> 00:27:57,166
I it's

773
00:27:57,166 --> 00:27:58,066
it's funny I

774
00:27:58,066 --> 00:27:59,833
I mean I absolutely felt invigorated

775
00:27:59,833 --> 00:28:01,100
and I absolutely felt

776
00:28:01,433 --> 00:28:03,600
so much more energy than I went in with

777
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,066
and that's not normally how I feel

778
00:28:06,066 --> 00:28:07,866
after kind of a workout session

779
00:28:07,966 --> 00:28:10,066
and I I really

780
00:28:10,066 --> 00:28:12,000
really clocked that I was like man I

781
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:13,266
I'm I need to

782
00:28:13,266 --> 00:28:15,366
be thinking about this sort of thing a lot more

783
00:28:15,466 --> 00:28:16,266
yeah nice

784
00:28:16,266 --> 00:28:18,566
so so that kind of ties into the um

785
00:28:18,566 --> 00:28:21,166
in the self regulation strategies I mentioned top down

786
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:22,566
bottom up and outside in

787
00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:25,733
so top down are things like cognitive reframes

788
00:28:25,766 --> 00:28:27,333
maybe mindfulness practice

789
00:28:27,666 --> 00:28:29,433
maybe affirmations where you're like

790
00:28:29,433 --> 00:28:32,000
using your mind to change the state of your body or

791
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:32,800
yeah nervous system

792
00:28:32,966 --> 00:28:35,466
yeah and then the bottom up ones are things like

793
00:28:35,466 --> 00:28:38,866
yoga practice things like breathing exercises

794
00:28:38,866 --> 00:28:39,933
um humming

795
00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:43,133
um where you're basically leveraging your physiology

796
00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:46,600
to activate the parasympathetic branch

797
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:49,566
of your nervous system which activates the relaxation

798
00:28:49,566 --> 00:28:50,900
and then from there

799
00:28:50,966 --> 00:28:53,000
you generally have calmer

800
00:28:53,066 --> 00:28:55,200
thoughts and a more relaxed mind

801
00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:57,100
because your body is more relaxed

802
00:28:57,700 --> 00:28:58,166
okay so

803
00:28:58,166 --> 00:29:01,033
so top down means

804
00:29:01,033 --> 00:29:04,633
use your mind to try to influence the state

805
00:29:04,633 --> 00:29:07,566
exactly your body and then bottom up is

806
00:29:07,566 --> 00:29:11,600
use your body to influence the state of your mind

807
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:12,166
precisely and

808
00:29:12,166 --> 00:29:13,433
and there's actually a little

809
00:29:13,433 --> 00:29:15,000
little neuroscience nugget

810
00:29:15,100 --> 00:29:18,066
there are four times more efferent neurons

811
00:29:18,066 --> 00:29:21,100
which are neurons going from your body to your brain

812
00:29:21,233 --> 00:29:22,833
than from your brain to your body

813
00:29:22,833 --> 00:29:26,733
so it's like a super highway of data going up

814
00:29:26,833 --> 00:29:30,633
and like one single lane of traffic going down okay

815
00:29:30,633 --> 00:29:32,600
and I kind of take that to imply

816
00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:35,366
that there's just more leverage to be had from

817
00:29:35,366 --> 00:29:37,166
influencing the body than the bottom up

818
00:29:37,166 --> 00:29:38,933
and then so what's outside in

819
00:29:39,833 --> 00:29:42,100
outside in is um changing your environment

820
00:29:42,100 --> 00:29:43,666
or changing the people around you

821
00:29:43,666 --> 00:29:46,066
so yeah obvious example is like

822
00:29:46,066 --> 00:29:48,333
think of the difference you feel between

823
00:29:48,433 --> 00:29:49,833
standing on the edge of a cliff

824
00:29:49,833 --> 00:29:52,133
with a broad horizon at a sunset

825
00:29:52,233 --> 00:29:55,966
versus New York City downtown subway

826
00:29:56,266 --> 00:29:57,066
like

827
00:29:57,800 --> 00:29:58,300
they're gonna

828
00:29:58,300 --> 00:29:59,966
result in two very different nervous system states

829
00:29:59,966 --> 00:30:02,266
and you can I like this phrase of

830
00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:03,666
we design our environments

831
00:30:03,666 --> 00:30:05,466
and our environments design us in return

832
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:09,200
so to the extent that you're able to influence your

833
00:30:09,266 --> 00:30:11,300
environment your surrounding um

834
00:30:11,366 --> 00:30:14,466
a very low hanging low hanging fruit is

835
00:30:14,466 --> 00:30:15,800
is like changing the lighting

836
00:30:16,166 --> 00:30:19,433
have using incandescent bulbs that are um

837
00:30:19,433 --> 00:30:21,500
more skewed towards the red light end

838
00:30:21,500 --> 00:30:24,200
of the spectrum as opposed to typical LEDs

839
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:25,700
which have a lot of blue light

840
00:30:25,833 --> 00:30:27,766
yeah and a lot of flicker as well

841
00:30:27,766 --> 00:30:29,100
and the flicker and the blue light

842
00:30:29,100 --> 00:30:33,733
especially after sunset are really bad for um

843
00:30:33,866 --> 00:30:37,166
inhibiting the melatonin release impact sleep and

844
00:30:37,166 --> 00:30:37,966
and you know

845
00:30:38,266 --> 00:30:39,266
they just don't feel good to be around

846
00:30:39,266 --> 00:30:41,400
like if you're in a in a supermarket

847
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,600
or a hospital with terrible overhead lighting

848
00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:44,766
I know exactly what you mean

849
00:30:44,766 --> 00:30:46,633
it's like it sucks the energy out of your eyeballs

850
00:30:46,633 --> 00:30:47,800
yes exactly

851
00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:48,633
exactly so

852
00:30:48,633 --> 00:30:50,233
so lighting is is a very

853
00:30:50,233 --> 00:30:50,600
and you know

854
00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:52,166
you just change the light bulb in the house once

855
00:30:52,166 --> 00:30:53,466
and like it's done

856
00:30:53,500 --> 00:30:55,800
like that's that's like a very easy fix

857
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:56,600
but and then

858
00:30:56,600 --> 00:31:00,833
you know also a huge category is co regulation

859
00:31:00,833 --> 00:31:01,966
which is you know

860
00:31:01,966 --> 00:31:04,666
what your kids are gonna be coming to you for many

861
00:31:04,666 --> 00:31:07,900
many times a day because when kids are young

862
00:31:07,900 --> 00:31:11,633
they don't yet have the wiring to self regulate

863
00:31:11,633 --> 00:31:13,500
they require a care

864
00:31:13,500 --> 00:31:16,300
a caregiver to help them to regulate

865
00:31:16,300 --> 00:31:17,233
yeah and so

866
00:31:17,233 --> 00:31:18,700
but as adults it's the same

867
00:31:18,700 --> 00:31:19,166
same as well

868
00:31:19,166 --> 00:31:22,066
like when we're outside of our window of tolerance

869
00:31:22,066 --> 00:31:23,300
when we're um

870
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:25,333
you know at the edge of our capacity

871
00:31:25,633 --> 00:31:27,600
having someone else who is grounded

872
00:31:27,900 --> 00:31:29,600
just their presence or even better

873
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:31,600
like a hug or some touch

874
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:34,566
is incredibly effective at downshifting us

875
00:31:34,566 --> 00:31:35,966
and just helping us to feel safe again

876
00:31:35,966 --> 00:31:38,433
cause we're we're wired to be social creatures

877
00:31:38,433 --> 00:31:40,766
we're not wired to be like independent lone wolves

878
00:31:40,866 --> 00:31:43,366
right and that is

879
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,166
if you're lucky enough to have someone around you

880
00:31:45,166 --> 00:31:46,600
that has a grounded nervous system

881
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:48,700
and they they have a few minutes of time

882
00:31:49,300 --> 00:31:51,566
that's probably the best nervous system hack you can

883
00:31:51,566 --> 00:31:54,433
you can find is is

884
00:31:54,433 --> 00:31:57,666
is connecting with somebody else who's it's yeah

885
00:31:57,666 --> 00:31:59,933
it's almost like connection yeah

886
00:32:00,266 --> 00:32:02,100
I I think I like that

887
00:32:02,100 --> 00:32:05,100
that metaphor that you're kind of touching upon there

888
00:32:05,100 --> 00:32:06,833
where it's it's like there's an

889
00:32:06,833 --> 00:32:09,966
it's an electrical circuit and

890
00:32:10,066 --> 00:32:11,733
and you're getting wound up

891
00:32:11,766 --> 00:32:14,100
you've got all this electrical charge in you

892
00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:17,000
and you need to discharge it somehow

893
00:32:17,366 --> 00:32:20,466
and there are healthy ways to discharge it

894
00:32:20,466 --> 00:32:22,066
and there are unhealthy ways to discharge it

895
00:32:22,066 --> 00:32:23,400
one of the healthy ways to discharge it

896
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,066
is to find somebody who's grounded

897
00:32:25,066 --> 00:32:27,666
and complete the circuit with them

898
00:32:27,733 --> 00:32:28,966
I mean even physically

899
00:32:28,966 --> 00:32:30,400
you're saying like hug it out yeah

900
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:31,400
right yeah yeah

901
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:32,300
yeah and there's

902
00:32:32,300 --> 00:32:32,600
you know

903
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:34,066
there's a few other ways I can extend that metaphor

904
00:32:34,066 --> 00:32:36,200
one is that um

905
00:32:36,300 --> 00:32:38,633
when our when our vasculature

906
00:32:38,633 --> 00:32:40,000
when our bodies are clenched

907
00:32:40,266 --> 00:32:45,166
that adds constriction to the circuitry and

908
00:32:45,166 --> 00:32:46,700
and so you know

909
00:32:46,700 --> 00:32:50,566
anxiety the word literally comes from the Latin angio

910
00:32:50,566 --> 00:32:54,266
which means to constrict and anxiety is actually

911
00:32:54,266 --> 00:32:55,500
in my opinion not an emotion

912
00:32:55,500 --> 00:32:56,466
but it's a

913
00:32:56,466 --> 00:32:59,266
resistance to an underlying emotional experience

914
00:32:59,433 --> 00:33:00,866
and so when a lot of people have

915
00:33:00,866 --> 00:33:02,033
say they have anxiety

916
00:33:02,033 --> 00:33:04,633
it's because consciously or unconsciously they

917
00:33:04,633 --> 00:33:07,233
are constricting against an underlying

918
00:33:07,233 --> 00:33:10,900
emotional experience and if you're able to release that

919
00:33:10,900 --> 00:33:12,466
that clenching in the body

920
00:33:12,500 --> 00:33:13,233
and

921
00:33:13,233 --> 00:33:15,966
a really practical way that people can think of what

922
00:33:15,966 --> 00:33:16,966
what this means is

923
00:33:16,966 --> 00:33:20,366
if you imagine turning on your shower to cold

924
00:33:20,666 --> 00:33:23,600
and the moment before you step into the cold shower

925
00:33:23,633 --> 00:33:25,066
think about what your body does

926
00:33:25,066 --> 00:33:27,233
like you'll just like you like clench

927
00:33:27,233 --> 00:33:28,833
like bracing against it

928
00:33:28,833 --> 00:33:31,466
that's exactly the same motion that we do

929
00:33:31,666 --> 00:33:34,300
when emotions arise that don't feel safe

930
00:33:34,766 --> 00:33:39,433
and so the degree to which we can relax and open up

931
00:33:39,433 --> 00:33:41,466
and breathe into and just like

932
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:44,200
it's like take an exhale yeah

933
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:45,466
that allows that

934
00:33:45,466 --> 00:33:48,366
that energy in the system to flow more fluently

935
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:50,300
I feel like

936
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:55,400
I was trained to do the opposite of that as a child

937
00:33:56,266 --> 00:34:00,400
like I feel like all of the models of masculinity

938
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:02,633
the Marlboro Man you know

939
00:34:02,633 --> 00:34:03,666
Clint Eastwood

940
00:34:04,566 --> 00:34:05,266
you know all of that's

941
00:34:05,266 --> 00:34:07,900
all of the models I had available to me

942
00:34:07,900 --> 00:34:12,000
all of the feedback that I got from my culture

943
00:34:12,066 --> 00:34:13,266
that I grew up in

944
00:34:13,500 --> 00:34:17,766
all taught me to suppress my emotions or just

945
00:34:17,766 --> 00:34:20,166
you know shoulder the Grindstone persevere

946
00:34:20,166 --> 00:34:23,800
push through the stress and I

947
00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:26,800
you know that's one way to do it right

948
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:28,866
one one way to dis

949
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:30,966
you know get rid of the electrical energy

950
00:34:30,966 --> 00:34:33,233
is to put it in a capacitor

951
00:34:33,233 --> 00:34:34,866
somewhere in your circuit where

952
00:34:34,866 --> 00:34:36,600
you know it stays in the system

953
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:41,266
but it's not active it anymore

954
00:34:41,266 --> 00:34:42,166
right it's not

955
00:34:42,166 --> 00:34:44,800
it's not circulating it will at some point

956
00:34:45,033 --> 00:34:46,100
I'm sure but

957
00:34:46,100 --> 00:34:47,966
but it's not doing it right now

958
00:34:47,966 --> 00:34:50,300
and it's just like pushing it down yeah

959
00:34:50,300 --> 00:34:53,466
um but what you're describing is

960
00:34:54,466 --> 00:35:00,966
is developing the skill and developing the habit of

961
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:03,766
discharging that naturally

962
00:35:05,900 --> 00:35:07,233
and you know

963
00:35:07,233 --> 00:35:08,766
just to again build on that

964
00:35:08,766 --> 00:35:13,800
I think of that move of repressing or storing for later

965
00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:15,866
as building emotional debt

966
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:20,366
and it's actually a very useful skill in the short term

967
00:35:20,366 --> 00:35:22,800
yeah in many places absolutely yeah

968
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:23,966
very helpful if you're in a

969
00:35:23,966 --> 00:35:25,000
in a borderline situation

970
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:28,166
or if like shit hits the fan and you need to act

971
00:35:28,166 --> 00:35:30,500
then yeah like that's great

972
00:35:30,866 --> 00:35:31,666
um if you're

973
00:35:31,666 --> 00:35:33,400
if you're a Navy seal or a Marine

974
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:34,700
that's a very helpful skill

975
00:35:34,700 --> 00:35:36,466
yeah but in the same way that

976
00:35:36,466 --> 00:35:39,700
you know when Navy Seals come back from deployment

977
00:35:39,700 --> 00:35:41,200
many of them have PTSD

978
00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:44,666
because they haven't found a way to metabolize

979
00:35:44,666 --> 00:35:47,600
that emotional debt that has been stored from the time

980
00:35:47,666 --> 00:35:49,966
that they've been pushing it away

981
00:35:51,466 --> 00:35:52,200
you know

982
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:55,733
you've worked with a lot of really high achieving men

983
00:35:55,833 --> 00:35:56,866
and I'm

984
00:35:56,866 --> 00:36:00,033
I'm so interested in touching into that about like

985
00:36:00,033 --> 00:36:03,066
what shifts when they start to

986
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:05,666
to put this into practice and they're starting to

987
00:36:05,666 --> 00:36:07,466
to to actually feel the emotion

988
00:36:07,633 --> 00:36:09,100
and starting to feel that

989
00:36:09,100 --> 00:36:10,366
and check in with their bodies

990
00:36:10,366 --> 00:36:12,100
instead of just trying to fix it or

991
00:36:12,100 --> 00:36:14,100
or suppress it hmm

992
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:15,466
what shifts well

993
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:17,033
I I mean to

994
00:36:17,033 --> 00:36:18,100
be to be honest

995
00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:21,200
I meet a lot of these folks

996
00:36:21,233 --> 00:36:22,566
um not always

997
00:36:22,566 --> 00:36:25,566
but sometimes when they're in the midst of

998
00:36:25,566 --> 00:36:28,600
or just following some kind of crisis yeah

999
00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:30,833
like some kind of either existential crisis

1000
00:36:30,833 --> 00:36:32,833
maybe they're a founder and they sold their company

1001
00:36:32,833 --> 00:36:36,100
and they've got eight figures in the bank account

1002
00:36:36,100 --> 00:36:39,000
but they still feel empty and hollow and dead inside

1003
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:39,666
yeah uh

1004
00:36:39,666 --> 00:36:41,666
or maybe they just hit burnout

1005
00:36:41,666 --> 00:36:43,166
and they're going through a health crisis

1006
00:36:43,166 --> 00:36:45,966
or maybe they just broke up with their wife

1007
00:36:45,966 --> 00:36:47,400
you know all these things and

1008
00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:50,200
and so unfortunately

1009
00:36:50,866 --> 00:36:53,700
it often does take some kind of

1010
00:36:55,366 --> 00:36:56,500
crisis yeah

1011
00:36:56,500 --> 00:36:59,633
tragic event to wake us up

1012
00:36:59,633 --> 00:37:02,766
to humble us sometimes humiliate us

1013
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:06,833
to the point where we realize that the current model

1014
00:37:06,833 --> 00:37:08,500
the current mental models that we have

1015
00:37:08,500 --> 00:37:12,100
aren't serving us or they're not sustainable yeah

1016
00:37:12,100 --> 00:37:15,466
and so in the beginning um

1017
00:37:15,500 --> 00:37:16,800
you know it very much depends on

1018
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:18,000
on the person and the case

1019
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:21,566
but I think most of these folks

1020
00:37:21,866 --> 00:37:24,866
they've been rewarded for um

1021
00:37:25,900 --> 00:37:27,166
for pushing for grinding

1022
00:37:27,166 --> 00:37:28,666
for hustling that's absolutely right and

1023
00:37:28,666 --> 00:37:29,433
and you know

1024
00:37:29,433 --> 00:37:31,200
society rewards that in the short term

1025
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:32,400
right in a lot of cases

1026
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:34,266
like you get money status

1027
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:37,000
fame from from that

1028
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:37,600
and there's many of

1029
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:40,366
your ability to do that is how you feel

1030
00:37:40,366 --> 00:37:42,300
like you got to where you are yeah

1031
00:37:42,300 --> 00:37:42,833
not not

1032
00:37:42,833 --> 00:37:43,366
not not all of them

1033
00:37:43,366 --> 00:37:47,066
but a lot of folks I think do get that um

1034
00:37:47,066 --> 00:37:50,233
but it's often at the detriment of their

1035
00:37:50,233 --> 00:37:52,366
relationships to others

1036
00:37:52,433 --> 00:37:54,000
their relationship to their self

1037
00:37:54,100 --> 00:37:56,966
a vicious inner critic a lot of them have as well

1038
00:37:57,200 --> 00:37:58,000
um

1039
00:37:58,766 --> 00:38:01,000
diminishing circle of genuine friendships

1040
00:38:01,066 --> 00:38:01,300
you know

1041
00:38:01,300 --> 00:38:04,600
the things that actually in my opinion contribute to a

1042
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,466
a life well lived in a meaningful life

1043
00:38:06,666 --> 00:38:09,266
um they might have the kind of external school board

1044
00:38:09,366 --> 00:38:10,266
taken care of

1045
00:38:10,266 --> 00:38:14,200
but in terms of like their inner experience of life

1046
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:15,566
it's there's a lot

1047
00:38:15,633 --> 00:38:16,466
there's a lot to be gained

1048
00:38:16,466 --> 00:38:18,066
so yeah um

1049
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:20,333
it really depends on

1050
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:23,100
I try and meet people with where they're at

1051
00:38:23,666 --> 00:38:27,800
but what I noticed is that over time

1052
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:29,233
and this stuff does take time

1053
00:38:29,233 --> 00:38:29,666
like there's

1054
00:38:29,666 --> 00:38:32,933
there's really not like a kind of week long quick fix

1055
00:38:33,266 --> 00:38:33,666
um

1056
00:38:33,666 --> 00:38:36,966
but once their adrenals have kind of come back online

1057
00:38:36,966 --> 00:38:38,066
if they've gone through burnout

1058
00:38:38,066 --> 00:38:40,033
once they've got a bit more resource and capacity

1059
00:38:40,033 --> 00:38:41,400
and a little bit of spaciousness

1060
00:38:41,766 --> 00:38:43,700
then um

1061
00:38:43,833 --> 00:38:44,666
it really I think

1062
00:38:44,666 --> 00:38:48,066
it's the emotional work that has the biggest ROI

1063
00:38:48,066 --> 00:38:49,600
like the biggest bang for the buck

1064
00:38:49,700 --> 00:38:50,433
yeah um

1065
00:38:50,433 --> 00:38:52,400
because once you stop

1066
00:38:53,166 --> 00:38:55,266
orienting your life to

1067
00:38:55,300 --> 00:38:57,933
habitually avoid feeling certain emotions

1068
00:38:58,166 --> 00:39:00,166
it creates so much more freedom

1069
00:39:00,300 --> 00:39:03,466
so much more agency and actually so much more joy

1070
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:05,566
um there's one of

1071
00:39:05,566 --> 00:39:07,566
one of our guest speakers in

1072
00:39:07,566 --> 00:39:08,600
in Nervous System Mastery

1073
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:10,000
Joe Hudson has this phrase

1074
00:39:10,233 --> 00:39:13,700
he says joy is the matriarch of a family of emotions

1075
00:39:14,033 --> 00:39:16,466
and she won't come into a house where

1076
00:39:16,466 --> 00:39:17,800
her children aren't welcome

1077
00:39:19,233 --> 00:39:21,166
and you can apply you can apply that to parenting

1078
00:39:21,166 --> 00:39:21,600
but it it's

1079
00:39:21,600 --> 00:39:24,200
it's really very true that joy is

1080
00:39:24,566 --> 00:39:25,833
very hard to touch into

1081
00:39:25,833 --> 00:39:29,200
especially sustained joy or deep levels of joy

1082
00:39:29,300 --> 00:39:31,200
when there is repressed anger

1083
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:33,266
unprocessed grief uh

1084
00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:34,566
etcetera etcetera

1085
00:39:34,566 --> 00:39:35,566
and so

1086
00:39:36,100 --> 00:39:39,500
and going into the deeper somatic work

1087
00:39:39,500 --> 00:39:42,033
I I work with breathwork in person with

1088
00:39:42,033 --> 00:39:45,100
with clients but there's also practices like hakomi

1089
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:46,733
somatic experiencing

1090
00:39:46,900 --> 00:39:50,566
some people use MDMA assisted therapy

1091
00:39:50,566 --> 00:39:51,966
ketamine assisted therapy

1092
00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:55,300
um I'm a big fan of those to the degree that they're

1093
00:39:55,300 --> 00:39:56,700
that they're on contraindications

1094
00:39:57,166 --> 00:39:58,566
um but really it

1095
00:39:58,566 --> 00:39:59,700
for me it's the

1096
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,333
deeper emotional excavation

1097
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:07,000
that creates the lasting freedom in people and

1098
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:11,266
and that combined with shifting to uh

1099
00:40:11,433 --> 00:40:13,300
to habits that include you know

1100
00:40:13,300 --> 00:40:16,066
non sleep deep breaths a few times a week um

1101
00:40:16,266 --> 00:40:18,233
breath work and and really a lot of

1102
00:40:18,233 --> 00:40:20,966
a lot of what underlies this I think is a sense of

1103
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,433
courageous curiosity which is

1104
00:40:24,433 --> 00:40:29,866
is like the willingness to be curious about

1105
00:40:30,100 --> 00:40:32,700
the shit that you've spent the last 20 years

1106
00:40:32,700 --> 00:40:33,533
running from

1107
00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:37,066
and that that like

1108
00:40:37,066 --> 00:40:38,500
that's really the fundamental thing

1109
00:40:38,500 --> 00:40:42,266
is like going from achieving pushing

1110
00:40:42,266 --> 00:40:47,200
grinding to run away from that stuff to doing a 1

1111
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,366
80 turn and moving towards it

1112
00:40:49,366 --> 00:40:52,666
and courageously embracing it

1113
00:40:52,833 --> 00:40:54,233
yeah that is so powerful

1114
00:40:54,233 --> 00:40:54,966
and I you know

1115
00:40:54,966 --> 00:40:57,000
I what that it makes me think of

1116
00:40:57,000 --> 00:41:00,266
so there's it's like what you described with the NSDR

1117
00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:04,066
where you feel like you don't have the time to do it

1118
00:41:04,266 --> 00:41:06,766
but then when you do it it gives you more time

1119
00:41:06,766 --> 00:41:08,200
it gives you time it gives you more bandwidth

1120
00:41:08,366 --> 00:41:09,066
totally right

1121
00:41:09,066 --> 00:41:11,000
totally and Steven Covey has a

1122
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:14,300
has a had a great metaphor for that

1123
00:41:14,300 --> 00:41:14,600
he said

1124
00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:18,566
it's like you're too busy driving to pull over for gas

1125
00:41:18,900 --> 00:41:19,700
yeah

1126
00:41:20,766 --> 00:41:21,566
yeah yeah

1127
00:41:21,566 --> 00:41:23,800
and that's what this makes me think of I've

1128
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:25,666
I've heard I think that maybe the Dalai Lama

1129
00:41:25,666 --> 00:41:27,400
someone has said like if you don't have

1130
00:41:27,966 --> 00:41:29,866
if you have three minutes to meditate

1131
00:41:29,866 --> 00:41:30,900
you need three hours you know

1132
00:41:30,900 --> 00:41:31,866
something like that hahaha

1133
00:41:33,066 --> 00:41:35,666
yeah I totally get it and um

1134
00:41:35,866 --> 00:41:38,600
yeah and I'm definitely one of those people that

1135
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,633
doesn't necessarily have three minutes to

1136
00:41:40,633 --> 00:41:41,433
to meditate

1137
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:43,200
it's giving me something to

1138
00:41:43,233 --> 00:41:44,633
something serious to think about

1139
00:41:44,633 --> 00:41:45,233
now let

1140
00:41:45,233 --> 00:41:47,866
let me ask you so if someone right now is listening

1141
00:41:47,866 --> 00:41:49,700
and they're caught in that cycle they're

1142
00:41:49,700 --> 00:41:50,866
they're in that situation

1143
00:41:50,866 --> 00:41:52,266
where they don't have three minutes to meditate

1144
00:41:52,266 --> 00:41:53,166
right and

1145
00:41:53,166 --> 00:41:55,800
and they're just absolutely caught in stress

1146
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:58,033
what is one thing they can do

1147
00:41:58,033 --> 00:42:01,433
one practice they can do right now in real time

1148
00:42:01,433 --> 00:42:03,166
to get themselves regulated

1149
00:42:03,166 --> 00:42:04,766
or get themselves back on track

1150
00:42:04,766 --> 00:42:07,000
or start on the process hmm

1151
00:42:08,300 --> 00:42:09,733
yeah um

1152
00:42:10,266 --> 00:42:11,600
in real time

1153
00:42:12,666 --> 00:42:15,466
I'm I'm a big fan of um

1154
00:42:15,833 --> 00:42:17,966
a practice called expanding awareness

1155
00:42:17,966 --> 00:42:19,566
which comes from uh

1156
00:42:19,566 --> 00:42:22,166
this guy who created the Alexander technique

1157
00:42:22,233 --> 00:42:27,433
and very very simple is just noticing the space above

1158
00:42:27,433 --> 00:42:30,966
you behind you to the sides of you and below you

1159
00:42:31,200 --> 00:42:32,500
and there's

1160
00:42:32,500 --> 00:42:35,300
there's almost a one to one relationship between how

1161
00:42:35,300 --> 00:42:37,166
expanded our awareness is

1162
00:42:37,366 --> 00:42:38,666
versus how stressed we are

1163
00:42:38,666 --> 00:42:39,500
like when we get stressed

1164
00:42:39,500 --> 00:42:41,433
it's like we experience life through a straw

1165
00:42:41,433 --> 00:42:42,000
it's almost yeah

1166
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:43,000
we get that tunnel vision

1167
00:42:43,000 --> 00:42:44,600
tunnel vision blinkers on

1168
00:42:44,866 --> 00:42:47,566
and so it's actually a bi directional relationship

1169
00:42:47,566 --> 00:42:49,433
where I'm kind of doing it right now

1170
00:42:49,433 --> 00:42:52,066
like you just remember that you have space behind you

1171
00:42:52,366 --> 00:42:53,266
space below you

1172
00:42:53,266 --> 00:42:56,000
and then from that often I'll notice a sigh

1173
00:42:56,066 --> 00:42:57,466
the physiological sigh is

1174
00:42:57,466 --> 00:42:59,566
you know one that's been popularized by Huberman

1175
00:42:59,566 --> 00:43:00,900
that's also very effective

1176
00:43:00,900 --> 00:43:01,866
yeah um

1177
00:43:02,266 --> 00:43:05,100
but just reinvigorating the body

1178
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:08,033
um also feeling your feet on the ground

1179
00:43:08,033 --> 00:43:10,466
feeling your hands coming back into the senses

1180
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:12,666
I like coming back into um

1181
00:43:12,666 --> 00:43:14,366
there's a practice called orienting

1182
00:43:14,466 --> 00:43:17,766
so naming three things you can see

1183
00:43:18,166 --> 00:43:21,166
two things you can hear and one thing you can feel

1184
00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:22,866
okay and just doing that

1185
00:43:22,866 --> 00:43:25,700
and that will bring you back into the present

1186
00:43:25,700 --> 00:43:26,366
it'll just like

1187
00:43:26,366 --> 00:43:28,766
bring you out of whatever loop or mental

1188
00:43:28,766 --> 00:43:30,200
kind of thought pattern you're in

1189
00:43:30,300 --> 00:43:31,100
yeah um

1190
00:43:31,100 --> 00:43:33,566
and that's that's a way to almost like return to center

1191
00:43:33,700 --> 00:43:34,700
and then you know

1192
00:43:34,700 --> 00:43:37,300
once you have a bit of centeredness

1193
00:43:37,466 --> 00:43:38,266
let's you know

1194
00:43:38,266 --> 00:43:40,500
use the example of someone that has a crazy

1195
00:43:40,500 --> 00:43:42,700
busy calendar um

1196
00:43:43,233 --> 00:43:47,266
honestly the practice of setting boundaries is

1197
00:43:47,266 --> 00:43:48,366
is very important

1198
00:43:48,366 --> 00:43:51,466
and saying no to things that aren't completely

1199
00:43:51,466 --> 00:43:52,500
essential yeah

1200
00:43:52,500 --> 00:43:54,566
um because people that have

1201
00:43:54,566 --> 00:43:55,366
you know the

1202
00:43:55,866 --> 00:43:58,633
the most successful founders and execs

1203
00:43:58,633 --> 00:44:00,933
typically have close to empty calendars

1204
00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:04,066
like they they might have 500 person companies

1205
00:44:04,066 --> 00:44:06,733
but they'll have like two recurring meetings

1206
00:44:07,366 --> 00:44:10,200
in their week and um

1207
00:44:11,033 --> 00:44:11,566
yeah so

1208
00:44:11,566 --> 00:44:12,500
so there's a and and

1209
00:44:12,500 --> 00:44:17,600
but that requires fairly fierce Protection of time and

1210
00:44:17,600 --> 00:44:18,766
and and often

1211
00:44:18,766 --> 00:44:22,500
it takes having morning practices in the beginning

1212
00:44:22,500 --> 00:44:23,900
whether it's breath work or meditation

1213
00:44:23,900 --> 00:44:25,400
or whatever people are drawn to

1214
00:44:25,500 --> 00:44:29,066
to then make decisions from that place of spaciousness

1215
00:44:29,166 --> 00:44:31,100
which then typically is self reinforcing

1216
00:44:31,100 --> 00:44:33,166
and you get more spaciousness over time

1217
00:44:33,233 --> 00:44:34,300
as opposed to just like

1218
00:44:34,300 --> 00:44:35,766
filling your calendar with more and more

1219
00:44:35,766 --> 00:44:36,600
and more and more

1220
00:44:37,900 --> 00:44:43,200
yeah that is such a tremendously powerful statement

1221
00:44:43,200 --> 00:44:43,466
right

1222
00:44:43,466 --> 00:44:48,166
there is the most high achieving people have very

1223
00:44:48,166 --> 00:44:50,000
very light calendars

1224
00:44:50,700 --> 00:44:53,300
and because they have leveraged

1225
00:44:53,300 --> 00:44:55,733
I mean they've used all the leverage they have

1226
00:44:55,833 --> 00:44:56,433
uh huh

1227
00:44:56,433 --> 00:44:59,766
to create to go out there and create the value there

1228
00:44:59,766 --> 00:45:03,000
and and they have they have boundaries

1229
00:45:03,766 --> 00:45:03,833
really

1230
00:45:03,833 --> 00:45:09,533
really strictly enforced boundaries to enforce that

1231
00:45:09,966 --> 00:45:11,400
and they have the spaciousness

1232
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,966
so that when the right opportunity comes by

1233
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:15,166
they can go all in

1234
00:45:15,166 --> 00:45:18,266
they can put 110% of their energy towards that thing

1235
00:45:18,266 --> 00:45:18,866
I think of it it's

1236
00:45:18,866 --> 00:45:19,700
it's like I mean

1237
00:45:19,700 --> 00:45:20,966
I went surfing this morning

1238
00:45:21,133 --> 00:45:24,366
and great surfers will sit out back

1239
00:45:24,366 --> 00:45:26,033
like waiting for the waves to come

1240
00:45:26,033 --> 00:45:29,100
but be in the perfect position so when that set comes

1241
00:45:29,100 --> 00:45:29,233
they're

1242
00:45:29,233 --> 00:45:31,500
just like right there and they can paddle in and

1243
00:45:31,633 --> 00:45:32,733
and catch that wave

1244
00:45:32,900 --> 00:45:34,666
as opposed to folks who are like in the whitewash

1245
00:45:34,666 --> 00:45:36,700
just getting pounded by ha ha

1246
00:45:36,700 --> 00:45:37,233
ha ha yeah

1247
00:45:37,233 --> 00:45:39,800
and wave surfing all of their energy

1248
00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:43,166
that is the perfect metaphor for that concept

1249
00:45:43,500 --> 00:45:43,866
you know I

1250
00:45:43,866 --> 00:45:44,633
I I was

1251
00:45:44,633 --> 00:45:49,233
I was listening to a podcast over the weekend and um

1252
00:45:49,233 --> 00:45:53,633
somebody was talking about how our modern world

1253
00:45:53,633 --> 00:45:56,600
with all of the available stimuli

1254
00:45:57,166 --> 00:46:00,433
uh we've got our computers and we have our devices

1255
00:46:00,433 --> 00:46:02,966
and we have all the noise of the world

1256
00:46:02,966 --> 00:46:05,600
and the TV and the radio and all of these things

1257
00:46:05,666 --> 00:46:09,466
there is just a tremendous amount of stimulus that

1258
00:46:09,466 --> 00:46:12,533
that is all over the place and we're not naturally

1259
00:46:14,066 --> 00:46:16,533
predisposed to be able to handle that properly

1260
00:46:16,900 --> 00:46:20,166
and it keeps us from being able to think it

1261
00:46:24,066 --> 00:46:25,366
it we're too busy

1262
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:26,300
we're reading

1263
00:46:26,300 --> 00:46:28,500
or we're listening to podcast or watching YouTube

1264
00:46:28,500 --> 00:46:30,066
or we're we're doing all these things

1265
00:46:30,066 --> 00:46:31,433
we're processing our email

1266
00:46:31,433 --> 00:46:32,500
we're doing all of these things

1267
00:46:32,500 --> 00:46:34,533
there's all this activity

1268
00:46:34,766 --> 00:46:39,200
but none of the thinking and the introspection and

1269
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:42,700
and the true creativity and we're in a

1270
00:46:43,166 --> 00:46:46,600
the we're in a pending crisis here

1271
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:49,100
because we've got AI coming online

1272
00:46:49,233 --> 00:46:51,833
that it has no creativity

1273
00:46:51,833 --> 00:46:53,900
but it can it can do a lot of the activity

1274
00:46:53,900 --> 00:46:56,033
or it will be able to do a lot of the activity

1275
00:46:56,033 --> 00:47:00,100
that humans do today that we think is creating value

1276
00:47:00,100 --> 00:47:01,366
but it's actually not

1277
00:47:01,366 --> 00:47:03,466
or it's not going to be in six months or a year

1278
00:47:03,466 --> 00:47:08,400
or two years and we're losing the ability because of

1279
00:47:08,700 --> 00:47:11,233
because of the screens and because of our modern world

1280
00:47:11,233 --> 00:47:13,300
we're losing the ability to do that

1281
00:47:13,900 --> 00:47:15,666
that thing that is uniquely human

1282
00:47:16,300 --> 00:47:17,766
and we need to recapture it

1283
00:47:17,766 --> 00:47:21,400
and I think that this nervous system mastery concept

1284
00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:23,200
exactly what you're talking about

1285
00:47:23,233 --> 00:47:25,400
that's one of the ways we can recapture it

1286
00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:26,200
isn't it

1287
00:47:26,633 --> 00:47:27,766
hmm yeah

1288
00:47:27,766 --> 00:47:28,866
I mean I

1289
00:47:29,066 --> 00:47:31,033
I agree with you and

1290
00:47:31,033 --> 00:47:33,200
you know if I think about the social media and like

1291
00:47:33,200 --> 00:47:37,100
content landscape and what AI is already doing to that

1292
00:47:37,100 --> 00:47:38,966
especially on TikTok where right

1293
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:42,000
the majority of videos are already AI generated

1294
00:47:42,066 --> 00:47:45,800
and the algorithms are gonna be so tailored to

1295
00:47:45,833 --> 00:47:48,166
the precise ways that they can hook you in

1296
00:47:48,166 --> 00:47:49,766
and often the way they hook you in

1297
00:47:49,766 --> 00:47:51,000
is through emotions

1298
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:52,600
that you haven't welcomed in yourself

1299
00:47:52,600 --> 00:47:53,966
so like rage bait is

1300
00:47:53,966 --> 00:47:56,633
is a great way of getting clicks on Twitter and TikTok

1301
00:47:56,633 --> 00:47:58,033
these days um'cause

1302
00:47:58,033 --> 00:47:59,433
people don't have a healthy relationship with anger

1303
00:47:59,433 --> 00:48:01,600
so they click on everything that makes them angry right

1304
00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:04,900
um but I agree with you

1305
00:48:04,900 --> 00:48:05,800
I think that you know

1306
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:07,466
that episode was titled I think

1307
00:48:07,466 --> 00:48:10,400
defense against the Dark Arts of distraction

1308
00:48:10,700 --> 00:48:17,266
and it is gonna be so so so hard to maintain

1309
00:48:18,233 --> 00:48:20,866
a sustained sense of nervous system regulation

1310
00:48:20,866 --> 00:48:22,466
in that kind of environment

1311
00:48:22,466 --> 00:48:23,866
yeah and they are

1312
00:48:24,100 --> 00:48:26,966
they're already incredibly good

1313
00:48:26,966 --> 00:48:30,266
at pulling us out of presents and pulling us

1314
00:48:30,266 --> 00:48:31,000
you know so

1315
00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:31,833
I think the average

1316
00:48:31,833 --> 00:48:33,666
number of phone pickups is something like

1317
00:48:33,833 --> 00:48:35,633
150 a day for like

1318
00:48:35,633 --> 00:48:37,500
most adults and even higher for kids

1319
00:48:37,500 --> 00:48:40,233
and kids spend three to four hours a day

1320
00:48:40,233 --> 00:48:41,800
looking at screens looking at their phones

1321
00:48:42,300 --> 00:48:45,633
um and you can just feel what it does to you

1322
00:48:45,633 --> 00:48:46,666
like I I certainly can

1323
00:48:46,666 --> 00:48:47,600
like I know

1324
00:48:47,833 --> 00:48:51,900
if I spend even 30 minutes or 10 minutes looking at

1325
00:48:51,900 --> 00:48:53,166
like a social media feed

1326
00:48:53,166 --> 00:48:54,233
the way that I feel it's like

1327
00:48:54,233 --> 00:48:57,466
it's like I I lose some of that internal presence

1328
00:48:57,466 --> 00:48:58,766
and speaking of masculinity

1329
00:48:58,766 --> 00:49:03,100
I lose some of that like my capacity for attention

1330
00:49:03,300 --> 00:49:04,166
and so I you know

1331
00:49:04,166 --> 00:49:06,866
I do think that these practices and

1332
00:49:06,866 --> 00:49:11,866
and also setting very clear boundaries with yourself

1333
00:49:12,466 --> 00:49:14,866
around notifications around screen time

1334
00:49:14,866 --> 00:49:17,100
around what apps you even have on your phone

1335
00:49:17,100 --> 00:49:19,233
I think will be increasingly important

1336
00:49:19,233 --> 00:49:24,033
combined with increased actually like interception

1337
00:49:24,033 --> 00:49:26,200
because if you can tune in and

1338
00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:29,666
and notice that actually after scrolling for 20 minutes

1339
00:49:29,666 --> 00:49:31,200
you feel a bit shit inside

1340
00:49:31,233 --> 00:49:32,033
yeah

1341
00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:34,000
and then you make a decision from that place of like

1342
00:49:34,000 --> 00:49:34,500
oh actually

1343
00:49:34,500 --> 00:49:37,166
like I don't want to be doing that every evening

1344
00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:38,700
instead of connecting with my kids

1345
00:49:38,700 --> 00:49:39,633
or connecting with my loved one

1346
00:49:39,633 --> 00:49:42,666
or whatever it is and so you make different

1347
00:49:42,800 --> 00:49:45,500
hopefully more aligned decisions from that place

1348
00:49:45,500 --> 00:49:47,366
once you've listened to that internal feedback

1349
00:49:47,633 --> 00:49:49,033
um yeah

1350
00:49:49,033 --> 00:49:49,466
I you know

1351
00:49:49,466 --> 00:49:50,866
I've I've never been a smoker

1352
00:49:50,966 --> 00:49:53,266
but I had a a really close friend who was

1353
00:49:53,266 --> 00:49:57,166
and I ended up reading a book about quitting smoking

1354
00:49:57,966 --> 00:50:01,233
and and the quitting smoking

1355
00:50:01,233 --> 00:50:03,833
I guess is is one of the most and I can imagine I

1356
00:50:03,833 --> 00:50:04,666
I feel this

1357
00:50:05,566 --> 00:50:07,466
one of the most difficult things you can ever do

1358
00:50:08,333 --> 00:50:10,000
but the key to it

1359
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:12,066
and most of the people I've ever known

1360
00:50:12,066 --> 00:50:14,066
who have successfully quit smoking

1361
00:50:14,766 --> 00:50:17,000
said something along the lines of this

1362
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:17,966
at at some point

1363
00:50:17,966 --> 00:50:19,266
it just clicked with me

1364
00:50:19,500 --> 00:50:21,500
and I never needed to smoke anymore

1365
00:50:21,500 --> 00:50:22,233
and it was tough

1366
00:50:22,233 --> 00:50:24,366
I had some physical withdrawal for some period of time

1367
00:50:24,366 --> 00:50:27,366
but after that after the mental thing was over

1368
00:50:27,500 --> 00:50:29,833
it was done and the mental thing is

1369
00:50:29,833 --> 00:50:30,800
realizing

1370
00:50:31,033 --> 00:50:34,400
that it's the cigarette that makes you feel shitty

1371
00:50:35,433 --> 00:50:37,200
you think you the the

1372
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:38,166
the connection you have

1373
00:50:38,166 --> 00:50:40,366
is that the cigarette is the solution to the

1374
00:50:40,366 --> 00:50:42,000
the feeling of shittiness

1375
00:50:42,000 --> 00:50:44,233
but it's not it's the cause of the shittiness

1376
00:50:44,233 --> 00:50:47,433
it's just delayed and once you make that connection

1377
00:50:47,433 --> 00:50:49,400
you no longer feel the need to have the cigarette

1378
00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:51,600
and I think there's a similar

1379
00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:56,500
thing going on with picking up Facebook or

1380
00:50:56,500 --> 00:51:00,500
or or scrolling through social media

1381
00:51:00,966 --> 00:51:03,666
and we're gonna have to break that cycle

1382
00:51:03,833 --> 00:51:06,200
if we want to get out of it

1383
00:51:06,300 --> 00:51:07,100
mm hmm mm hmm

1384
00:51:07,966 --> 00:51:09,300
yeah yeah

1385
00:51:09,300 --> 00:51:10,366
and it's um

1386
00:51:11,100 --> 00:51:11,833
I don't know man

1387
00:51:11,833 --> 00:51:12,033
like

1388
00:51:12,033 --> 00:51:15,000
it's gonna be increasingly hard with the way that AI

1389
00:51:15,000 --> 00:51:16,366
is going yeah

1390
00:51:16,366 --> 00:51:18,533
um and just the incentive that these enormous

1391
00:51:18,566 --> 00:51:21,333
multi million dollar companies have to

1392
00:51:21,633 --> 00:51:24,866
mine and extract the resource of our attention

1393
00:51:24,900 --> 00:51:26,633
like that's literally what they're designed to do

1394
00:51:26,633 --> 00:51:27,666
so yeah

1395
00:51:27,666 --> 00:51:29,033
um I yeah

1396
00:51:29,033 --> 00:51:32,700
I just I do think that these some

1397
00:51:32,700 --> 00:51:35,033
like some especially especially for kids

1398
00:51:35,033 --> 00:51:36,833
I mean like I

1399
00:51:36,833 --> 00:51:40,100
I'm really somewhat I don't wanna say fearful

1400
00:51:40,100 --> 00:51:44,400
but just I'm just not optimistic about the number

1401
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:46,033
the amount of screen time that

1402
00:51:46,033 --> 00:51:47,666
the average kid has these days

1403
00:51:47,666 --> 00:51:50,000
I just I just don't think it's gonna lead to good

1404
00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:51,966
but the hopeful message there

1405
00:51:52,033 --> 00:51:55,600
and is that your biggest problem

1406
00:51:55,666 --> 00:51:58,266
you know a big problem is also a big opportunity

1407
00:51:58,466 --> 00:52:00,700
and the big opportunity here is

1408
00:52:00,900 --> 00:52:04,200
being able to retain your presentness

1409
00:52:04,200 --> 00:52:05,666
through that distraction

1410
00:52:06,000 --> 00:52:07,500
and not get distracted and all that

1411
00:52:07,500 --> 00:52:08,733
that's a superpower

1412
00:52:09,366 --> 00:52:11,366
and that is gonna turn you into Superman

1413
00:52:11,366 --> 00:52:15,033
compared to the folks who can't do that yeah yeah

1414
00:52:15,033 --> 00:52:15,833
I I agree and

1415
00:52:15,833 --> 00:52:20,166
and making decisions from that grounded regulated yeah

1416
00:52:20,166 --> 00:52:22,066
intentional place yeah

1417
00:52:22,066 --> 00:52:23,500
um I mean

1418
00:52:23,500 --> 00:52:24,766
just think what what

1419
00:52:24,766 --> 00:52:26,266
what what a superpower that is

1420
00:52:26,266 --> 00:52:27,200
you're able to do that

1421
00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:28,366
where the rest of the world cannot

1422
00:52:28,866 --> 00:52:29,666
mm hmm mm hmm

1423
00:52:29,866 --> 00:52:30,700
yeah and

1424
00:52:30,700 --> 00:52:31,100
and you know

1425
00:52:31,100 --> 00:52:33,000
that that also gives you

1426
00:52:33,366 --> 00:52:36,500
the ability to make great decisions

1427
00:52:36,500 --> 00:52:37,600
and to think clearly

1428
00:52:37,600 --> 00:52:41,666
and to be creative and to build deep relationships

1429
00:52:41,666 --> 00:52:44,166
like those are gonna be this

1430
00:52:44,166 --> 00:52:47,200
the only skills really of the a few

1431
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:50,200
a handful of the few skills that will be valuable

1432
00:52:50,233 --> 00:52:52,800
in an age where content creation

1433
00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:54,366
and even product generation

1434
00:52:54,366 --> 00:52:56,900
the costs go to zero with AI and robotics

1435
00:52:57,100 --> 00:52:58,000
um yeah

1436
00:52:58,066 --> 00:52:59,300
really the the

1437
00:52:59,566 --> 00:53:02,800
the most valuable thing will be our capacity for

1438
00:53:03,033 --> 00:53:04,566
attention presence

1439
00:53:04,566 --> 00:53:05,866
and from their decision making

1440
00:53:05,866 --> 00:53:07,366
and building deep relationships

1441
00:53:07,900 --> 00:53:08,166
yeah

1442
00:53:08,166 --> 00:53:10,800
and so what a gift we can give to our sons if we can

1443
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:14,366
yeah make that easy for them totally yeah

1444
00:53:14,366 --> 00:53:15,966
totally yeah

1445
00:53:16,300 --> 00:53:16,466
well I

1446
00:53:16,466 --> 00:53:20,600
I always like to finish up these conversations with

1447
00:53:20,766 --> 00:53:22,966
the same question and that is

1448
00:53:22,966 --> 00:53:24,633
what is one principle

1449
00:53:24,633 --> 00:53:27,500
that you'd like to leave our listeners with

1450
00:53:27,500 --> 00:53:29,066
something that they can

1451
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:31,800
explore or incorporate into their lives

1452
00:53:32,100 --> 00:53:33,633
I love that I yeah

1453
00:53:33,633 --> 00:53:34,966
I will just on a meta note

1454
00:53:34,966 --> 00:53:40,933
I I really like the idea of developing intentional

1455
00:53:41,066 --> 00:53:42,700
operating principles for life

1456
00:53:42,700 --> 00:53:45,600
yeah and I think you do going through and

1457
00:53:45,600 --> 00:53:47,600
and experimenting with them yeah

1458
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:50,866
is such a such a high value activity

1459
00:53:50,866 --> 00:53:51,500
um OK

1460
00:53:51,500 --> 00:53:52,933
so if I was gonna give one

1461
00:53:53,366 --> 00:53:56,600
1 operating principle to experiment with

1462
00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:58,766
let's see um

1463
00:53:59,566 --> 00:54:03,666
the thing that's coming up is explore

1464
00:54:04,066 --> 00:54:06,933
welcoming your emotions

1465
00:54:07,866 --> 00:54:08,766
see what happens

1466
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:13,700
like welcome may maybe to put that more concretely yeah

1467
00:54:13,800 --> 00:54:15,666
embracing intensity

1468
00:54:16,633 --> 00:54:18,800
yeah embracing emotional intensity

1469
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:20,466
embrace emotional intensity

1470
00:54:20,466 --> 00:54:21,833
that is a really really

1471
00:54:21,833 --> 00:54:23,200
really powerful principle

1472
00:54:23,266 --> 00:54:25,400
and I move towards it instead of run away from it

1473
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:27,100
culturally we

1474
00:54:27,100 --> 00:54:30,266
that is the opposite of what and

1475
00:54:30,266 --> 00:54:31,333
and also

1476
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:36,133
you know allow your children to do that

1477
00:54:36,166 --> 00:54:38,433
give them the space to do it too

1478
00:54:38,433 --> 00:54:42,533
I mean one of the things that happens often is

1479
00:54:42,900 --> 00:54:44,633
the kids will start disregulating

1480
00:54:44,633 --> 00:54:48,400
and your instinct is to get in their face

1481
00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:49,400
calm down calm down

1482
00:54:49,400 --> 00:54:50,600
you basically yell in their face

1483
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:52,233
and you scream at them to calm down

1484
00:54:52,233 --> 00:54:53,500
of course how does that work

1485
00:54:53,900 --> 00:54:56,033
it it doesn't work at all

1486
00:54:56,033 --> 00:54:58,566
but yeah because the problem is that you

1487
00:54:58,566 --> 00:55:00,200
yourself are becoming disregulated

1488
00:55:00,333 --> 00:55:02,266
yeah and but

1489
00:55:02,266 --> 00:55:04,766
you know think about if you

1490
00:55:04,866 --> 00:55:08,466
if you're able to welcome the intensity

1491
00:55:08,466 --> 00:55:09,933
the emotional intensity

1492
00:55:10,266 --> 00:55:12,566
and welcome their emotional intensity too

1493
00:55:12,566 --> 00:55:15,166
so it doesn't dysregulate you and they recognize ah

1494
00:55:15,166 --> 00:55:16,066
I see you know

1495
00:55:16,066 --> 00:55:18,200
when I can behave this way and it doesn't

1496
00:55:18,366 --> 00:55:21,166
it doesn't have to blow up into this thing yeah

1497
00:55:21,166 --> 00:55:22,866
and I don't have to blow up into this thing either

1498
00:55:22,866 --> 00:55:24,900
that's really really a powerful principle

1499
00:55:24,900 --> 00:55:26,800
what one of my one of my friends

1500
00:55:26,800 --> 00:55:28,166
he's a dad and he has this he

1501
00:55:28,166 --> 00:55:30,233
they like do anger together

1502
00:55:30,233 --> 00:55:32,433
so when his kids angry they were like yeah

1503
00:55:32,433 --> 00:55:33,466
let's let's get angry together

1504
00:55:33,466 --> 00:55:36,666
they like stomp around on the floor and just like go go

1505
00:55:36,666 --> 00:55:37,900
go and like kid kids love it

1506
00:55:37,900 --> 00:55:38,633
it's like yeah

1507
00:55:38,633 --> 00:55:40,766
like a space where anger is like welcome

1508
00:55:40,766 --> 00:55:42,433
like great like that's a yeah

1509
00:55:42,433 --> 00:55:43,700
it's a great practice to have

1510
00:55:43,700 --> 00:55:46,400
and it's connecting and it's fun yeah

1511
00:55:46,433 --> 00:55:49,600
I remember this time when when the boy was gosh

1512
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:51,700
he was 3 weeks older no

1513
00:55:51,700 --> 00:55:52,633
he was a little older than that

1514
00:55:52,633 --> 00:55:53,966
but young I mean very

1515
00:55:53,966 --> 00:55:55,800
very less than 2 or 3 months

1516
00:55:55,866 --> 00:56:00,700
and he was he was having colic and uh

1517
00:56:00,900 --> 00:56:02,900
I was driving him around this is

1518
00:56:02,900 --> 00:56:04,000
I lived in Chicago

1519
00:56:04,000 --> 00:56:05,800
and we were driving around at 2 o'clock in the morning

1520
00:56:05,800 --> 00:56:08,466
in the snow and he was just screaming

1521
00:56:08,466 --> 00:56:10,700
and he'd been screaming for an hour and a half

1522
00:56:10,966 --> 00:56:12,566
and there was

1523
00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:15,000
there's nothing I could do to give him comfort

1524
00:56:15,366 --> 00:56:18,200
and I just started screaming with him

1525
00:56:18,233 --> 00:56:20,366
I wasn't screaming at him uh

1526
00:56:20,666 --> 00:56:22,566
but I just started screaming with him

1527
00:56:22,700 --> 00:56:25,366
and we were both just screaming together in the car

1528
00:56:25,400 --> 00:56:26,800
at 2 o'clock in the morning

1529
00:56:27,200 --> 00:56:30,566
and it really helped I think it helped both of us

1530
00:56:30,633 --> 00:56:32,033
yeah and eventually yeah

1531
00:56:32,033 --> 00:56:33,166
pretty soon he fell asleep

1532
00:56:35,700 --> 00:56:37,500
I love that that's so good

1533
00:56:37,500 --> 00:56:38,100
well Johnny

1534
00:56:38,100 --> 00:56:40,333
this has been just an absolutely

1535
00:56:40,400 --> 00:56:43,466
delightful and powerful conversation

1536
00:56:43,466 --> 00:56:44,633
I really appreciate it

1537
00:56:44,633 --> 00:56:47,200
if you wanna go deeper into Johnny's work

1538
00:56:47,200 --> 00:56:51,500
check out Nervous System Mastery at ns mastery.com

1539
00:56:51,500 --> 00:56:54,200
and his podcast The Inner Frontier

1540
00:56:54,466 --> 00:56:56,500
for more conversations on resilience

1541
00:56:56,566 --> 00:56:58,633
and embodied leadership uh

1542
00:56:58,633 --> 00:57:01,166
and the links are in the show notes Johnny

1543
00:57:01,800 --> 00:57:04,166
let's keep doing the inner work that helps us raise

1544
00:57:04,166 --> 00:57:07,033
strong grounded and emotionally aware men

1545
00:57:07,033 --> 00:57:10,200
and thank you for all of the work that you do

1546
00:57:10,566 --> 00:57:11,833
hmm beautiful

1547
00:57:11,833 --> 00:57:12,366
thank you Shawn

1548
00:57:12,366 --> 00:57:14,200
this is super fun and I appreciate it

1549
00:57:14,200 --> 00:57:16,066
and thank you for listening to Raising Men

1550
00:57:16,066 --> 00:57:18,600
I'm Shawn Dawson and you're a great parent

1551
00:57:24,900 --> 00:57:28,333
raising men is produced by Phil Hernandez

1552
00:57:28,600 --> 00:57:31,733
this episode was edited by Ralph Tolentino