Three, two, one, go.
Excellent.
Sexy.
All right, everybody, are you ready for another exciting episode of War Homs?
All right, everybody, are you excited for another exciting episode of War Homs?
Are you excited for another exciting episode?
Are you excited for another exciting episode?
We fucked it all up.
Are you excited for another exciting episode of War Homs?
all right here's the here's the deal today we don't have we don't have thurston he is like
asleep because he recently went to a surgeon to have all of his teeth removed so we right now
are going to be running a game uh zorin we go ahead and lead us off what are we going to be
doing today okay so last time we left off we went over to some weird mercenary like
sewer system thing and uh and because now that i'm going to temporarily run the show i think
i'm going to give everybody some new loot i think we've been working really hard for like 22 episodes
i think everybody needs a new ship so uh who who wants loot oh yeah yeah you want to try that again
with word speaker fuck you okay so what's the what's the one thing that uh that reeve has always
wanted uh
has always wanted an easy bake oven okay okay you get an easy bake oven yeah okay because i am now
temporary master of all that is things so the easy bake oven is now yours okay nozetic what do you
want uh respect none i'm back no teeth but i'm back i mean hi i had to stop look
look look i could deal with the easy bake oven but giving captain zedek respect that's what wakes
me up and gets me fucking back here can you at least give me a pair of pants that don't rip
no nope okay sorry bro i can't say i didn't try it's not in the budget i didn't lose all my teeth
chat i just lost one one tooth a couple days ago so i'm actually really good yeah but uh welcome
back everybody to warhams i hope you guys have been having a super duper amazing time lately
uh just for this episode we're going to make a little announcement thingy or whatever uh
base i would like you guys to mark on your calendars for may 22nd which is this weekend
that's coming up for the first episode of warhams fantasy we're playing through our
warhammer fantasy campaign on that day and that's the first episode that's going to be streamed
and we just we'll handle it just like warhammer 40k like we do it here and with like with wrath
and glory and all that other stuff so it's going to be practically the exact same thing
way this thing gets handled so if you're super excited to watch us play uh warhammer fantasy
then we'll be uh super excited to have you all you know show up for the
kind of debut for that but unfortunately unfortunately hunky can't be there
hunky didn't want to come play with us because he has responsibilities
to life he also smells bad yeah yeah yeah we've been also we only like people who have respect
in our campaign
in the society yeah sorry we uh we really wanted to add a more reputable character to this next
stream wow we should we should change the jamming somewhat ah but you play in a gm game curious
curious true no we love you hunky curious you too i will be here in spirit i'll hang out in
the audience because i want to i want to see you every down every
sword in detail yeah i'm sure yeah okay got him but yeah we just want everybody to be aware of
that but so glad to have you all here today uh we definitely have our amazing cast and crew here
starting with speaker day playing uh i had to remember your classes every time because i never
refer to them and it messes me up every time so so pybrain is our registered guitar ranger
pybrain angry man i'm one of the lead writers for the emperor had to take speech device and i voice
astrobio victorios and we have aaron dill here playing reed van horn our inquisitorial acolyte
yeah i'm also a writer for the emperor to test speech device as you should probably know by
my name being most of the credits but yes i'm here and i'm zorn i am currently playing lauren
the sanctioned slacker of the group crazy old man and we also have the most famous artist in the group
most respected member of our party thurston hillman playing as the game master oh damn
i mean hi yes but my favorite but my favorite is hulky crow playing captain zedek
captain of the deck collector our rogue trader that's me i'm a on again off again voice actor
for if the emperor had a text-to-speech device and its associated sub-projects i most notably play
tyvon shrike
first commander of the even guard i don't know who cares i do a lot of screaming too that's what
i love doing and uh in case i don't so i don't have to shift through the stupid comments again
it's like we we should on zedek mostly because it's funny to us we all love hulky like we love
him to death so understand that we just also speaker and i don't hate each other and are at
constant war we're at constant war because we love each other
that's right that's right no you're a constant war because your motherfuckers keep talking about
tabletop yes we do we we do talk about tabletop 40 minutes in the pre-show talking about dark elder
yeah technically uh yes uh uh uh conversation about warhammer are about constant war but
that's what's next listen hulky is fine he the ac is on he is listening to his favorite music
do not disturb love each other all right shall we get on with it yes thurston what do you have
today okay so when we last left our intrepid band of chuckle fucks they had traveled to
fimbria 2 in search of uh more information on slaber go to fucker be the 24th of his name
who had a shuttle that had headed off in that direction so they had landed there
where they were met by one of the the local tech rights a adept by the name of tobias uh and
tobias led them through some some of the sort of underground installations towards the information
center where our players could get some more info and maybe figure out where the fucker be had gone
and along the way they were ambushed between two warring xenos factions they managed to extricate
themselves after also claiming a a crewt uh which they had somehow saved i was really fucked up
with last episode let's let's be honest here and then they made their way into the information
center which appears to be a large bar slash cantina filled with dozens if not potentially
hundreds of various non-human species or abhuman breeds mingling about and they have entered here
along with tobias and we are going to start today's session exactly there uh with all of
you entering into this area sort of the the smells of various cooked foods hitting you
there's also sort of a a smell of like gasoline like promethium in the air there's vents that
are spewing out gases there's stairs and bar stools and xenos of all kinds walking around
and looking and doing business and bartenders what are you all doing you walk into this place
uh reeb is gonna step forward and get a quick cursory glance around the room
and he is going to quietly wonder to himself what the hell is the purpose of this place and
why are noble houses so fucking stupid all right would you like to give me uh an insight check
that's gonna make me do a speech check but sure i can do that now i'm gonna give you
a speech check to tell everyone they're stupid uh insight you say yes yeah well it's not very high
i'll give you one
uh yeah that represents just your absolute like no clue what's going on here as you're looking
around and in wonder at all of these various xenos and abhuman and mutant strains co-mingling and
generally looking as though they're having an okay time here
zedek will wonder aloud by comparison i i didn't think i'd see so many xenos
on human colony much
less one used by the nobles
reeb is is sir is this legal
this xenos are allowed in any port in which they are certified to be there as long as it's not
strictly inquisitorial or imperial guard property they are allowed within the premises
and in this situation i believe they're supposed to be here
yes they are the components of this installation yes
aha and the components are the ones who fight to the death for glory but also maintaining
a mining sector here on this planet yes as i explained they insert the cards
into the slots to retain ownership on sections of the installation like that the components act to
to establish the dominance of all of the noble houses on Fimbria Majoris.
I'll lean over to Loren.
Right.
So what if I kind of...
You lean over and what you see is like a dotted outline of just going blip, blip,
blip, and then you turn over and you see Loren's already at the bar, like just down in drinks.
I'm going to walk up to him.
There is a mutant with three arms that is serving drinks, Loren, and he looks
at you.
What are you having?
I want another.
I want another.
Give it to me.
Give it to me now.
Okay.
And like two of the arms begin shaking some concoction together while the other arm is
taking another order.
Just a few moments, sir.
I'd like very much.
And yeah, Piebrain, you come up to the bar and see Loren there.
No, Loren.
No.
What are you doing?
I'm drinking.
I'm going to grab him by his stupid little throat.
No.
There's points to win.
Oh, I'm killing him.
I forgot.
Pie, stop choking on Loren again.
I forgot about the trachea.
It is always the thing that I have.
We have those.
We have those fleshy bits.
They're very gentle.
They suck.
I keep telling you, you need to get rid of them.
No.
No.
The primacy is gone.
No.
No.
No.
No.
The primacy of flesh.
No.
Can I make a roll that puke on Piebrain?
Give me a toughness test.
Awesome.
Let me find it in my dark mode character sheet.
I made a one.
Yeah, you, in all of this struggle, lose control of your stomach contents and
loose it onto the feet of the tech adept.
Not on him?
Can I do a roll?
Can I do a ballistic skill check to see if I project a moment on him?
Oh my god.
Yeah, absolutely.
Give me a ballistic skill check.
Awesome.
The ass check.
Please, Bosh.
How dare you stop me drinking?
I don't have a problem.
I made it out to the zero.
No, no.
You just hit it.
You hit its feet.
Like, you can't even aim.
Those rascals.
You don't know what it's like to be me.
It's terrible.
Well, it can't be that bad.
I mean, you have a funny beard.
That's all you have to say.
Why is it terrible to be you, Lorne?
I want you to understand this, Mr. Tobias.
I have things constantly screaming at me in my head.
They tell me weird things, such as loving those rolls to puke on pie, XD.
Nice.
Lorne vomits scar bread.
BIRD!
And that's all that I hear.
That's all that I hear in my mind all the fucking time.
Just imagine hearing a constant Hershey joke for the last 20 years rotating inside your brain nonstop until you want to die, Tobias.
That is my life.
I'm gonna look at Vedek and look back at Lorne.
I realize it's time to give you the talk.
I put a hand on his shoulder.
Okay.
Have you considered servitor conversion?
Go fuck yourself.
Do you need that part of your brain?
We can take it out.
I have to imagine Tobias is just, like, drinking, totally nonchalant, just as this is normal, while he's talking.
This small, this small, this little, little boy.
This damn old teenager, I guess.
You know what?
Captain Zedek, can you give me an insight?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't...
Konoi.
Insight check.
I would happily give you one.
Yeah.
Here's a fucking insight check.
I believe in you.
Someone does.
Seventh.
I believe in you, Captain Zedek.
So, Captain Zedek, you're now sussing out the place.
This is kind of your- your, uh, your area of expertise, in a sense.
You're looking around.
You can see that this place is divided into two camps, effectively.
Uh.
a melting pot in the middle on the far end under sort of a a reddish uh tent are what appear to be
the the terrellian dog soldiers with a large brute of a terrellian sitting uh at the end of a booth
surrounded by several of their minions and on the other side you see in a in a blue colored booth a
sect of krute that are led by a cloaked krute that has some kind of strange rifle at at their hip
and they're sort of off to the side and then in the no man's land you've got the sense that there's
just this mingling going on here you see a a group of mutants that uh like have some of scaly skin
some have um extra extra eyes and one even appears to have like a bit of a mouth forming on their
shoulder uh you
can see them all they you can immediately tell that these are dejects from a hive gang
based off of their clothing and some of the the tattoo markings you can tell that they're from
fimbria majoris you can also tell that they from their mannerisms you can tell that they're indebted
to some nobles there and are likely been sent here to fight on those nobles behalf you can see a fat
insectile creature patting its belly with its many insectile limbs but you also can immediately tell
based on its status
and
and stature that it puts on this aura of being way more badass than it actually is and is desperate
for anyone in the room to come and talk to it you catch all of this in a like a few minutes of just
looking around and sussing out this area but then as you're focused on tobias captain zedek you do
also get a sense of the other sort of tech rights and whatever these like magi are of the facility
and you look around
and you can see that there's maybe a dozen perhaps two dozen mingling about
and you look at them all and you you see a a young girl no more than eight years old who
who is currently tending to a wounded uh mutant on a table using surgical tools while there is
screaming and cheering by them you see a maybe 12 year old 13 year old boy who's getting
themselves to drink and you look around you look around and you realize that none of the
rights here appear to be
older than 20
weird
that is
yeah
so as like your as your companions
are having all these moments you have
pieced all of this together
this
certainly certainly reminds
me of home but
far too many xenos but there's
there's profit
to be made
though the uh the notable
absence of older
tech adepts kind of concerning
uh can i make an awareness test
to see if any of the
i suppose the adepts
or the acolytes bear similar markings
to pie brain
specifically his lemurian heraldry
oh
oh no like you you at
most catch some tattoos
but that's it you don't even have to give me a test for that
like they have some basic tattoos
on a few of the older ones
but that's it
um
would i be able to discern what
for i would assume either the forge world
they have pledged allegiance to
or something that would indicate
more about them without talking
um you could give me
a scholar test to see what you'd know about them
that i can do difficulty five
difficulty five all right
let's see
uh
can i spend a glory on this
you can spend the glory after
you roll remember that's that's
true but i have five
so i need to get good rules for this
a three
am i can i uh can i spend two glory
i don't know can you
yeah i don't know
yeah are you capable
yeah just take two damn glory go
yeah fine
take three
no no no no no hold up hold up hold up
what do i get out of it
i'll take four
no no no hold on what do i get out of it
yeah come on come on we gotta pay something forward i see
yeah like we've been giving glory left and right for the longest time i want to know
what i get out of it
you you wanna you want to do business in tannery hall you get to play the game move on
no
you get a cool hat you get a cool hat from my closet
what kind of hat
uh i need you to roll the glory dice
i was gonna get a hat man you're taking me you're taking a hat away from me okay i'm
sorry
how many was it
it was this one success
are you happy with that
oh like these two okay
would you like to spend a raft point i mean it's up to you
sure zedek's a fucking compulsive drinker
okay sure roll four dice for me
here you go
oh four days
for our four dice for all the four failures
with the d8
why are you d-dating me
because he has his own currency
for the rest of it
cheater
we're not
there you go
jee captionsanchik
okay it's technically two successes actually we're good we're good we're good i did it i'm
a best man i did it held by the break spider you did you did all right so with that you were able
to gain enough successes and you can see that the markings that some of these tech adepts have
are all um like clearly clan or gang mercenary companies and you've you've seen enough to know
that a lot of mercenary companies and gangs and clans have minor tattoos that they put on people
to represent like service or notoriety or basically like kind of like you're a friend of
us so the only thing that these tech rights have are tattoos that indicate they're friends of
various uh organizations and those organizations would match the type of xenos and mutants and
humans you're seeing here
okay cool looking back to the uh did the terrible scene unfolding before us of pie giving
lauren his pep talk to lobotomize himself presumably that argument has has uh
proceeded forward don't listen to the voices don't listen to i'm telling you
i don't think you need a role for that yeah you just frown you frown turn it upside down
i have a
i have a
i have a
d64 brown i'm sorry speaker i interrupted you go ahead all i'm saying is that
embracing the wonders of the machine can help persuade your problems you don't have to go
full service but you know it's like retirement options tweedle d and tweedle diode if if i may
uh yes zedek zedek when you retire you're becoming a servo
scull right
no no no beyond that i is confused moving on from what i can gather this whole little encampment this
information hub as it were is divided into two different factions and there's a couple
unaffiliated here and there mostly the rejects of the rejects who seem to be your generic guns
for hire a couple real real lookers among them
um
so really imagine the two houses are warring here could we pill for some of them should we go for the rejects really lonely ugly looking xenos over there i don't really want to talk to him but i i guess he might be desperate
why
you're right there's some tech adepts too yes there are yes hmm i will approach uh zedek a bit closer
yes well i suppose it is in our best interest to begin to scheme to conquer this uh weird
game these uh funny people play uh xenos do have some powerful abilities but
perhaps speaking to the tech adepts might work though then again the tiny child is very aggressive
and mean and does not know very much about anything because he's like two so what did you
just say he's 16 and he drinks and just tried to kill a man can he be like just this staring up at him all
um i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know
like that one mean image yeah but he's holding a gun oh he's got his last pistol what did you just
say for my friend pie stop antagonizing him i'm not i'm complimenting him you're just your
compliments are enough tobias i apologize let me buy you another drink that's right you will buy me
another drink you buy me two other drinks i'll buy you two other drinks do i very good um do
you know what just uh give me uh give me an influence test actually sure we're gonna we're
gonna see we're gonna see how uh how zedek spends the zetta bucks here oh yes you lose five well
okay um so i will let you mark down one wealth and you can essentially uh purchase whatever you
want from like like you you'll have a limitless
tab so to speak here
so i i'll see the kind of gaggle of people here i'll look at my my funding i don't know how
exactly the like transfer of currency would work other than like physical
monies unless there's like a digital display saying like yo this is what your wallet has
um i mean like you have like crowns that you can like spend and you have accounts that you can call
from from certain banks none of which are acknowledged in a dingy shithole like this
however
however you also have a ship in orbit so that gives you a lot of like leverage and so what
this influence test represents is you kind of having these negotiations with the bartender
and explaining like oh seems you're in need of like more hooch i've got a lot of hooch on my ship
gotcha i gotcha so is that a cool just kind of elbow down to the bar and whistle over to the
bartender the mutant comes over the three-armed one
yes you my stout and soured companion tell me you look a bit light on the uh
the supply side you need if you look like you might need more uh more libation if you know
what i'm saying is that is that right is a correct observation are you trying to get me drunk
no i mean if you want to that's your choice no i'm saying do you want do you need more booze
well yes of course we do
we sell it so we need it
now now tell me when is the next import due
hence once the next ship comes we usually send scavengers on to take it
now let me answer that question or rather answer your answer with another question
all these fine
creatures
well and people i guess i would assume it's mid-match right now so they're just kind of
waiting for the next bloodbath to begin how long does that usually take just like a like a ballpark
estimate it depends on a few different factors uh are you trying to like i don't know like you
you've made your influence check to kind of get around but like are you trying to like
make a persuasion check on this bartender as well to get this bartender on your side
yes but that's not necessarily required for what i want to do but you know i'll tell us a persuasion
yeah please please do please it's gonna represent how how how how this uh this this fellow reacts to
you for the complication and a natural one too very good very all right okay okay okay um
wait uh i suppose there's a few things i could do
hmm uh well uh the matches today it can take well you know it depends it depends if if some of
some of the xenos get get real defensive and then then then it just takes forever uh sometimes you
just have people who are just wanting a showboat to show off and it goes a bit faster because
some of the some of the sides they have people who are who are real dedicated to just just winning
their their their conflict and getting them to win they're just winning the game so i i'm just
pressureing i'm turning around as if somebody here's just someone gaining all of their time to just
uh i i hope it in or out and showing off by myself just turning around i'm definitely win i'm only losing
um i don't know if i made my own decision or any other answer but uh here's me Cave and it's erryone
platt okay wait what what's the the other one for me the cunt players to try and what's the other one which is
it over i show it can take anywhere from 15 minutes to two weeks to finish wow now as as
you're saying this the bartender is staring at you like but not at your face like at your chest
what is he staring like is he looking at something in particular can i can i glean that
yeah like as you look down you you you then notice like above your left chest has this bulge
like there's this bulge coming out of your chest
i'm sorry
what is this and i'd like if you see this bulge and he's like sure yeah i shouldn't scare we're
all uh we're all a bit different here aren't we and like he waves with his third hand at you
i don't like this i don't like this either what is this bulge they're sitting
so like are you like quickly like ripping open your like your jacket and like taking a look
yes okay so so as you do so um what you see and you you feel it is is a potato a baked potato
that has been crudely put in some kind of like metallic wrap and there's just a little note on
it that says from tater tot oh my poor dead heart
and that is the baked potato complication for mechanicus inept thank you for that
that is a good complication i will treasure this for the amount of time it will take me to eat it
so you just like he's like looking at this lump and you're like oh baked potato
do it shorter thurston i have a crazy question for you how on earth is that a complication
you just gave him a potato wait for it
oh no
no wait a second you fool it explodes it's a hot potato
the bartender the bartender looks at you as you pull out this potato and he's like
oh is that it come out here trying to be like one of us
what just jokes to you that were different than you oh no no no my my ward must have
tried to get some
i am going to i can i interject
absolutely you get i am going to take my hand my strength six hand and smash it into the table as
i see this guy fronting on our dear captain and i to defend his honor am i going to i'm going to
lean up i'm going to look at i'm going to point it i'm going to say listen here buddy our captain
has webbed feet and i
um
i i don't don't have flipped feet i shot him hey give me give me give me the intimidate check
to defuse the situation and destroys the countertop that's right this is diplomacy
ladies and gentlemen um since this is funny i'm going to spend a glory on this
that's right ladies and gentlemen this is diplomacy manifest absolutely yeah what the
fuck am i here for so uh successes as pirate rolls that there's a weird warp thing that
happens and that turns into a complication excellent more oh i like the potato fall out
of your robe i hope so this one's a bomb how many glory did you spend by the way i'm sorry
one okay just spent one okay okay okay um all right so you you like
smash your hand down onto the table it it resounds with a with a a thud as as that happens
um oh god absolutely we're gonna do this um as as this happens the thud is immediately accented
by the sounds of several dozen if not more weapons cocking and it appears as though everyone
with this many of the small tech rights to the xenos
have all suddenly pulled guns and pointed them all at my brain
and and the the the bartender who is like completely unfazed by what you were doing
um kind of like continues on the conversation with with captain zedek oh honestly you it
was an honest mistake but your friend did it and
here, turns to
look at Piebrain.
Now that I see your friend
here up close,
we don't serve your kind
here, Tin Man. You're gonna have to
wait outside.
And this is an actual
complication that was submitted called
We Don't Serve Your Kind Here.
I'm going to...
I wonder when this was submitted
in courtesy
of being us in the canteen right now.
Yeah, right? We don't like
you. My friend doesn't like you either.
Can I
do a thing while this is happening?
Absolutely.
Can I also have a gun
out pointing at Pie so I could fit in?
That makes sense.
Yes, absolutely.
Do you have a gun?
I'm imitating him like I do.
He's holding his staff at him.
I sold my lasgun for armors.
I just have like a
handgun now just pointing at Pie.
Yeah! So I don't get
shot. I'm gonna lean into this guy.
Okay.
You've got
quite the battalion
behind me. All
pointing weapons at me.
But I have a question
funny bar man.
I'm gonna
move my robe slightly to
the side and show
my power sword.
Oh, no.
Do you really think you're tough enough to get rid of me?
And I'm gonna roll
intimidate again.
I would like to roll and make that
fail.
Okay, speaker.
Yes.
I want you to say that again.
And I want you to understand
the context in which you've just
said it.
Think about it
very clearly.
I'm not a child.
You're attempting to intimidate
this guy in melee range.
I could stab you with my sword
that's still sheathed as a bunch of people
are aiming weapons at you.
Like ranged weapons.
Like guns.
I could very easily pull
this sword two inches and be
ventilated. It's a power sword. Yes.
It would easily cut through the counter and this guy.
Let's be clear here.
He's not intimidating the bartender.
He's trying to intimidate
me.
I don't think the bartender's scared.
Captain Zedek will reach over to Pye
as he pulls his robe to the side and then
gently pull his robe back over his
power sword and
look back to the bartender and say
excuse my friend.
He's not from here.
He sometimes does this.
Nevertheless, I'm
sorry we got off on the wrong foot.
What I was trying to get at
and Zedek will very slowly
react to it.
reach into his jacket, not pulling
out a weapon, pull out a bag
of crowns or just whatever currency they're going to
take.
I would like to buy drinks
around
for the house.
Alright, and
the hand slides over
to take it, looks
at the crowns. Several of them are clearly
just Zeta bucks, but whatever. They take
whatever currency they can get here.
One hand reaches
in. There's the traditional biting
of the crown.
All right.
Rounds on the house
and then like, like you hear
a bunch of the guns get pulled back
and put down and the murmur of
conversation starts to pick up again.
Excellent. You've given me
an opportunity, Zedek. I go for the sword.
I presume he will immediately stop me.
Of course I will. I will put my hand
I will put my hand on Pye's shoulder.
I'm fine. The
the
always shifting of the grabbing
of shoulders. Yes.
And I'll just stare at Pye in his optics
and be like, not today.
Please, not
right now.
Okay.
But only because you asked.
And I'll pat his shoulder.
Thank you. Remember,
he'll point down to the
gold star lapel on Pye's
robes. Remember that that
star, that star means a lot to
me. Put a lot of trust in you.
Pye.
Yeah.
And I'll
overcome with emotion.
I will stubbornly not
leave, but I will
I will move away from the bar.
Hey, Thurston.
Yes. Since this has been happening,
can I, can I, can I do something useful?
Of course you can.
Please.
Please.
You guys just
sat here.
Just starting and stopping
and starting and stopping an issue.
It would have been
fun if I just bought toys for the house.
But you know what?
Hey, bar fights
are cool.
That was the equivalent
of like being in oblivion and
hitting the ready weapon button and put
weapon away like four times.
You're welcome.
You wouldn't get this if I wasn't here. That's why you can be
grateful.
All right. I'm looking for
someone.
Someone of higher status than the barman.
That's a good idea.
Um, oh, oh, like, oh, okay, okay.
I'm assuming this is not just like a place of like recuperation.
I'm looking for someone who handles the day-to-day operations of whatever the fuck's going on outside the bar.
Uh, do you want to give me another insight check, please?
Okay.
Can I take like three glory, the, the remaining glory to do this?
Cause my, my insight is not high.
Sure.
Do it, do it, uh, give me a four.
Is that sufficient?
Um, it's sufficient to give you like a vague idea, um, eight.
Okay.
Yeah.
Um, you can tell that a similar, similar, uh, situation, uh, you can tell that there are some people here that are
probably bigger on the food chain.
But one of them who, who desperately craves attention is this large insect tile creature who's kind of sitting atop a mounted chair with like an umbrella over them and eating from like a thing of berries while patting their belly seems to have occasional people like rushing over to them and whispering.
Um, and then those people quickly leave and you get the impression that this person or the Zenos, uh, is some sort of information.
broker but people don't like to to deal with them for long okay so can i get the sense that this
thing is actually able to be spoken to like as i would like a person oh absolutely okay
so is there a line to approach this thing nope it looks like it's just sort of sitting
it's one of the the outer walls of this large circular space sort of staring around with its
many eyes it has this uh sort of bluish chitinous skin does it have any guards around it
um it it looks like there are some like krute that are on one side of it and then some terrellians
like it looks like both factions have like a small gaggle of guards on either side of this thing
okay i will approach the insect at a distance i guess like a distance of
i'm approaching but i'm not gonna be stupid and get in your face
yeah so so you like start trepidatiously approaching and this this thing finishes like
some berries that's on its like bloated chitinous belly and it lifts up this claw like digit which
has uh on the back of its hand more chitin with spikes on it and it sort of like points out the
digit towards you
yes i've come over here because i'd like to ask who are you
my name is unpronounceable in your language you do not possess the required vocals to speak to me
yeah well what can i call you
sheath yes that's
that that is a good name sheath you may call me that
well sheath you seem to be a rather important looking individual around here what do you do
i broker information between various parties here you are very insightful you have noticed
my importance this is good you clearly are smart for one of your basic kind
see reeb flinches in his brain but continues anyway understandable tell me could you perhaps
tell me what is going on around here what is this circuit for
this is the resting place many people come here to exchange information and have drinks and otherwise enjoy their time some will occasionally sit down and attempt to
and else enjoy their time some will occasionally sit down and attempt to
time some will occasionally sit down and attempt to
time some will occasionally sit down and attempt to
time some will occasionally sit down and attempt to
to open any boxes they have acquired in their time here, yes.
I see.
And what do they do outside of this little bar?
They fight, yes.
All the humans on Prime World here,
they all fight, yes.
For what purpose do they fight exactly?
For going for equipment, for debts.
Everyone here fights.
So it's a gladiatorial pit, then?
Some, yes.
For others, more like a training ground.
I see.
What are you here for?
And, like, the insect's big head sort of leans towards you.
Well, if you must know,
we are here because we had heard some interesting rumors about this facility.
We had heard nothing concrete,
and so we are here now to investigate
and got a very interesting welcome,
courtesy of Master Tobias over there
and a number of Kroot and your dog soldiers as well.
Yes, they are the two big factions
at the moment.
At the moment, in this area,
the Turalyon dog soldiers under their pasha
and the Kroot under their shaper.
But what do you seek from this place?
There are certainly information here
and I am always willing to trade.
Well, we are actually in the search for some information.
However, I would like to
be sure that I'm not going to be a traitor.
I'm not going to cause any harm by asking for it,
if that makes any sense.
Mm, of course, of course,
you are prudent.
But first, I must have information from you
before I can trade anything.
Certainly, quid pro quo.
Tell me of that one.
And, like, this hand comes up
and it's pointing directly at Captain Zedek.
Captain Zedek, what are you doing
as this finger is pointing at you
that you have no idea is pointing at you?
Captain Zedek's just at the bar
conversing with the bartender.
Just trying to glean more information.
Yeah, so, so, yeah,
you're just having this casual chat with the bartender
and this insect is pointed over at Zedek.
That one intrigues me.
Well, you should be intrigued by him
because he's a very strange kind of person.
You must know specifics about him.
He is of noble blood, as far as I can tell,
and as far as his money is worth.
But he's in somewhat of...
of noble disrepair at the moment.
He has a ship.
If you can call it that.
I've always wanted a ship.
I've always wanted to have information
across the system.
I tried with the last one, you know,
that were not receptive to me.
Not like you.
Not like you.
You are...
You are an honest person.
Mm.
Mm.
I would inform you, however,
the ship that you are so interested in,
I regret to inform you,
it is very difficult to keep maintained.
And in all honesty,
it is probably better served in our hands
before you go getting any notions
of possibly repossessing it from us.
Oh, no, no, no, I am.
Can I do a persuasion on that?
Yeah, absolutely.
I want to throw that out.
Can I take two, Glory?
Sure.
You appear to have been refilled completely on it.
Thanks, Chad.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm going to use my other ref from that
because that sucks.
Mugas.
Yeah.
Four, that's still not better.
Oh, okay.
Oh, no.
That turned into a complication.
Good.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
How can we complicate this?
What is a good complication for this?
All right.
So this is a going...
Yes, Reeb?
No, I was just coughing.
Oh, okay.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
All right.
I could not possibly own a whole ship.
That would be...
Perhaps you could allow me to stay on board your vessel.
That would be for the good captain to decide.
You should go ask him.
I would encourage him to come over.
Yes, good, good, good, good.
And the complication, I think, is going to be
you are now having to pull Zedek in
to continue this conversation.
I'm going to turn around and roll his eyes.
Yes, I'm saying another player is a complication.
I mean, if you wanted to be a complication,
you'd ask Pi over.
Don't give me ideas.
You've committed to this one.
That's not happening.
That's right.
That's right.
Captain.
Yeah, you head over to the bar.
At this point, I also assume Lauren is just like
still head down.
Oh, no, I'm gambling now.
Oh, excellent.
We'll get to that.
We'll get to that.
I'm playing Parzak or something on some table somewhere.
Don't worry about it.
Parzak.
Good, good.
You're Pazak.
Pazaki.
All right, so you go and you see Captain Zedek,
who's just finished up his conversation.
Captain.
Hey, Reeve.
What do you got?
You got info?
You got some deets?
Yes, working on that.
I require your presence over here.
We have a very large rotund insectoid
who requires your agreement for something, perhaps,
in exchange for information.
Do I have to talk to that one?
I kind of didn't.
Yes, you do, because he is the locus
for all information passing through this bar.
If we want our information, it goes through that one.
Captain Zedek will think for a moment.
And knowing that he doesn't, he could say no,
but it will probably be best in the interest of everybody else.
The bartender puts a shot of some kind of clear liquid
in front of you and just looks at you,
looks over at the insectile creature,
nods, goes back to making drinks.
I'm presuming as Zedek reaches for it,
Reeve will instead grab the shot and take it.
Absolutely.
All right.
Yeah.
Yes, Captain.
None of that for now, please.
Okay, let's go.
Captain Zedek will get up from his stool
and walk over with Reeve towards the creature.
What the hell was that?
It tasted like...
It tasted like ethanol.
Yes, good.
I hear you are important.
Good.
It's good.
Now you are willing to give me birth on your vessel?
I'm sorry, but the ship is not equipped with a maternity ward.
Not...
That you apologize.
Reeve's going to punch his fucking brow.
Not that kind of birth, Captain.
You're a comedian.
Yes, I'm also a captain.
Your primitive humor is amusing to me.
Good.
I think this would be the start of a very luxurious business agreement.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
I think I have done all I can down here.
Now, if I'm to allow you on my ship a Xenos, namely yourself, my friend here, Reeve, can
you tell me what would happen if they were discovered?
No, Captain.
If you must know, we are only obliged to, how can I put this, deal with Xenos in a negative fashion
if they are found to be exploiting us.
If we are mutually helping each other, the Inquisition may be more inclined to turn a blind eye to it.
Just make sure that it's in the best interests of the Imperium that we work with them,
and not the other way around.
I fucking love that Zedek is like, Reeb, give me an out, and Reeb's like, no, fucker!
Reeb, are we okay in this regard? Can we become a refuge for weird Xenos?
Question mark!
I mean, also, you're a rogue trader, you can do whatever the hell you want.
I'm pretty sure at this point, even if I wasn't just an acolyte,
I'm pretty sure the logic is,
listen, we can exploit the shadow to Xenos all we want as long as we get what we want in the end.
It's true. Works for me.
You heard the man.
Now, what is it you want from Fimbria, too?
Very good.
We are looking for another individual of my level of status.
Perhaps you may have heard of him.
A gentleman by the name of Slaburgo de Fuckerby, yes?
Yes, the twenty-fourth of his name, yes, he briefly entertained my services for a moment along with his entourage, mm-mm-mm.
I see. Perhaps you could inform us as to what you discussed.
He was looking for transit off this planet. It is sad to say that I could not accommodate him, but, uh, I believe he had dealings with both of them.
He was looking for transit off this planet. It is sad to say that I could not accommodate him, but, uh, I believe he had dealings with both of them.
He was looking for transit off this planet. It is sad to say that I could not accommodate him, but, uh, I believe he had dealings with both of them.
Is he asking for transit off the planet hereSN2SEQE frequent to meet him for multi-year syllabic matches for Gasteel?
Is he asking for transit off the planet hereSN2SEQE frequent to meet him for multi-year syllabic matches for Gasteel?
Is he asking for transit off the planet hereSN2SEQE frequent to meet him for multi-year syllabic matches for Gasteel?
Is he asking for transit off the planet hereSN2SEQE frequent to meet him for multi-year syllabic matches for Gasteel?
that I knew
that he was looking for a deep
system transit.
Something that could take him
far and wide as necessary.
He was not quite interested
in a warp-capable vessel.
Something merely to go through
the system at a whim and not
require constant refueling.
That's odd.
That is very strange.
It appears as though he was
wanting to make several stops
around this system.
It would take him quite a while
to get anywhere on impulse.
Perhaps he thinks he's shaken us.
I see you are looking for him
and you are in some sort of a feud
with him.
That would be the case.
I would like to point out, however, that
it is very curious that
you wanted to board our ship prior
to me asking about Mr. DeFuckraby.
I would like to have
one thing stated and one thing
stated very carefully.
If you are interested in
In fact, a spy working on his behalf,
please do note that
I am still an Ordozenos Inquisitor
and that will be a breach of our contract.
Ordozenos.
I'm guessing that is some form
of alien lover's association
with your kind.
Good, good. I am pleased.
I will not breach the
Friends of Aliens compact that you
wish to have.
Shet and Zedek will look over at Reeb
and just out of character, Urndell,
Jake?
Am I good to just explain to him
your level of expertise?
No, leave it.
Okay. All right.
Besides, I like you much, much
more.
His
entourage was far less
approachable.
The one, she wanted to
burn me repeatedly
and the other kept
saying bub
a lot.
Very annoying.
Uh, they have,
Wolverine and their party.
No.
Well, I will have to get
that information from you another time.
In the meantime, seeing as how
our transit off this may be precluded
for some time,
what exactly
are the benefits to playing
these games, so to speak?
The resources
of Pimbria II are vast.
It is said
that even though all of the
time that has been spent on
this planet, mining by these
automated machines,
that, and like
the insect sort of like nudges
and leans in, it is said
that they have mined no more than 10%
of the mine, uh, mineable
resources on this planet.
Thus, this
is a bountiful place.
Place your card in the slot
and defend it well, and you
will gain resources that you could use
for all sorts of things.
I believe there are
ceramite compounds, promethium
veins, as well as even adamantine,
perhaps even
diamantite, deeper down.
Hmm.
But,
you would have to ally with one of the factions
here to overcome another faction.
Hmm.
Could we not simply form our own faction?
You certainly could,
but you would have to pick one side
to attack. Hmm.
Currently, the Turellians
and the Kroot each possess their
own, uh, factories
in the immediate area.
Well, I think we'll have to think of that over
a little bit. But, that does
certainly sound very tempting, Captain.
I do believe the debt collector
is in dire need of
some improvement.
Of course, and any upgrades
that we can't use for the ship to keep
ourselves alive,
certainly the Crusade would
find that very valuable.
It would be nice not to have to rely on them.
Very good.
You should speak to the leaders
of both factions and see
which one appeals to you
in terms of a possible alliance.
Again, they may know more
of your
dafaka be plans.
Reem's just gonna
gingerly point towards the Kroot
and the dog soldiers flanking this guy.
Are they in these crowds here?
They elsewhere are in this bar.
Deeper in, those crowds
are simply for my defense.
Both!
Both sides like me. I am
so like a bluesy.
Of course.
Very good.
In that case, we will talk first with the
Kroot and then with the dog soldiers and we'll
find out if we can share any common
ground.
So as this conversation is going on,
I believe, Lorne, you were
gambling. Pi, you had stepped
away from the bar.
I'm always worried when we have this long
without Pi doing anything. Pi, what
have you been doing during this?
Um, who's the biggest, toughest guy
here?
Um,
probably the
like the lead Turalyon.
Oh, I know the
Turalyon.
I think I'm going
to walk up to him.
Okay, so yeah, he's whatever. Yeah, so, so,
so they're in like a far,
a far alcove, uh, kind of
like a, a booth suite
at the, the opposite end of the
Kroot. You, you approach, you can
see several Turalyons like holstering
rifles and looking at
you as you get closer.
Can I ask something out of character for you real
quick? Absolutely. Speaker, are you
okay with me doing a narrative
declaration for something or do you have a thing?
Oh, go for it. Okay.
Can I make a narrative declaration?
I'm failing to use all my stuff.
To where I am gambling
with that Turalyon leader.
Oh, yeah. Like, yeah,
absolutely. Like you come
stomping over and in the shadows
is Lorne. And
like, clearly there is some
kind of game of chance being played.
Like, I, I assume it's like
it's like in my mind, we're basically
playing poker. Lorne has
been working them down of this table
the entire time. He's just been clearing
out the opposition and
it's him versus
that Turalyon.
And like the, there's a
like a pile of just stuff
in the middle. And Lorne
has staked something in there to make
it look like it's like super
enticing. And Lorne basically
kind of leads in and goes,
I see you have a lot
of soldiers here. And he kind of looks like,
Hi, Brain.
Come take a seat. You're about to see me clear
this one out the, out the table
here. It's wonderful.
And, um, I see now...
I see that your friend that
that was ready to
salt the barkeep, uh, is, is
joining us. That is, well, as long as you keep
your temper in check, friend.
Yes, I will not have a big
heat.
We are all sensible
individuals here. We are all looking
forward to our own interests
and we'll maintain decorum
as is required for each of
our organizations.
I like your funny words.
So, uh, I, I turn
over to Pai. Also, I'm sorry if you had to say that.
I'm sorry if you had to say that.
I had, like, a bit planned or whatever because I was, like,
waiting on this for a while. No, go for it. So I apologize.
Um, but I'll, but
Lauren will turn over to Pai and going,
Okay, what I'm trying to get out of him,
okay, is, uh,
I think he might have, like, a troop
or so that we can kind of, like, hire on our
side. And I need you
to help me.
Well?
Let's just go buy him some drinks to
distract him and let's talk some more. He's gonna get
his big ass. I can't do that.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
Yo. That's right.
They hate you.
For some reason.
Well, are we, are we, are we, are we
stalling one another or not? Are we about to?
I'm debating on my, on my
card things here. I'm very nervous.
The bionic eye, like, looms towards
you, sort of oscillating as this
again, like, reptilian
humanoid creature in sort of, like,
mottled brownish-gray
stares at you with
a long snout with teeth coming out
and, again, the bionic eye sort of
twirls as it looks at you.
Or are we going to make
things more interesting?
I
like interesting things. What
do you have in mind?
I look at Pybrain
and then I look at him and I go,
well, uh, you have, uh, troops
on offer, right? Maybe it's like a
card that, uh, I can have control
of the play in these, uh,
games, correct?
Ah! You have come to see
the skill and talent of the
Turalyon Dog Soldiers! Very good, very good!
Yes, yes, yes,
I believe we could certainly come to
an arrangement of that if you were to offer
something of similar worth.
Perhaps, uh,
oh, your friend there.
Yeah, I turn
the Pybrain. I like
how he...
I turn the Pybrain.
Do you trust me?
Uh...
I will not answer.
I just, like, clearly know just... I grab his arm.
Like, scrawl, like,
by your eyes, like,
as you're fucking, like, calculating
his...
survival. I grab Pybrain's
arm and slam it on the table, going,
Watch Gatari Ranger
for your...
That's what I'm putting in.
And I want all of your...
And I want all of your Dog
Soldiers to join my side.
I will be in
command.
I...
Okay, this is the exact...
moment, by the way. At this point,
that's when the conversation
with the insects has ended
and Zedek and Reeb just
turn to hear the slamming
of the hand on the table.
One's Gatari Ranger for all of your
services.
Can we...
Can we stop this, Reeb?
Silence.
He is...
Say it again, Arendelle. I think Discord
kind of...
No, I was just being silent
and sighing.
Okay.
See?
Well, then, I could not give
all of my well-skilled troops for one
of yours, but I could
loan you a squad for a
moment.
You have a question?
What do you
want, Bette?
Yes, okay, hello. First, I am not
this Gatari. I am...
I am a tech priest.
Explorator of
Lemuria. Just clearing that out
there for everyone. Okay, great. Now that
we've gotten that done.
Vorm picks up his character sheet and
looks at it and just taps on it
and goes like, um...
Yeah, yeah, I snatch it
back and
scratches it out.
It's like in crayon.
The R's are backwards.
And I would like
to ask, who do you work
for?
Uh, uh, currently
we are employee of one of the many
noble houses of
Fimbria Majoress.
How much do they
pay you?
Well, usually we have
a very good, strong
allegiance with that family.
They have offered to pay us quite a
handsome sum of equipment and weapons
and future transportation.
Bluff.
This is interesting.
So how many of you...
How many of your number are there
exactly?
Well, currently
across the planet we have several
battalions, trillions of
mercenaries, all from different companies.
Bluff. But I would have
to say that in
my battalion, which I control...
Yes, yes, yes. By the way, I
am Pasha Terrier.
Hello!
Hello, yes, yes, yes. Bluff.
There are approximately
150 trillions
of soldiers.
One hundred and forty-nine
after today's rents.
That is very sad.
Well then, one hundred
and fifty...
What if I told...
Go ahead, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
What if I told you that very
soon there will be a battle fleet
of thousands upon
thousands of Imperial soldiers
in this system?
And possibly
a Primarch. Do you know what that is?
Uh...
I assume that is some sort of
garish title for one
of your humankind.
I just start
climbing onto Loren's shoulders
without asking
as he's sitting down
as your, like, metal body
breaks his strength.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's probably incredibly painful.
And I'm gonna stand up.
I'm gonna lift my hands up into the air.
Alright, they're like this
tall.
And then I'm gonna climb down.
And I'm gonna
slap Loren twice on the back
comfortingly. Or the twisted mound
that once was, Loren.
My crushed spine now turns to powder.
Loren is gone. He fades into dust.
I just...
I just snap out of here. Just bye.
I don't feel so good, but...
I'm finally dead.
Finally.
I know.
I'm gonna reroll a squat.
Fuck it, Jesus.
Yeah, and I'll stand on him, too.
He'll be able to take that.
Anyways, yeah.
Very big, important in all of the
Imperium of Man. Not just a
planet, but the entire
big thingy.
And we work for them.
And we think
that perhaps your relationship
might be best suited
to an arrangement with them.
And by
extension, us.
I see. Or perhaps
some sort of agreement.
Well, I'm quite interested in this.
If the pay and the equipment
is nice.
But we cannot leave until our current
contract is fulfilled.
When does your contract end?
Well, you see, our contract is
required to defeat
the despicable Groot.
And his eye turns
towards the other side.
Yeah. What's wrong
with them?
See, they're
on the other
team. No.
Yes.
Ah, I understand.
An ancient rivalry.
Well,
who do they work for?
Some
other low-life house that no one
really cares about.
I wouldn't, no, I wouldn't affiliate with
such a low-life house.
However,
I would say that once we've dealt
with them, we would be open to future negotiations,
Wolof. Also,
we simply
must defeat them in combat.
We must siege their fort,
take it, and place
our card in the slot.
Wolof.
Yeah, we can do that for you.
Really?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We're not doing anything.
It's not, uh...
We're trying to acquire them
via this gambling.
It's not a possession for them to do that for us.
Oh, okay.
Sorry. We'll have...
You know what? Let me go. I'm gonna talk to them
later, and maybe we can, like, blow them up
or whatever.
Hey, keep betting me as a...
What am I...
You have to stay here, because
if I lose, you go with them
forever.
Oh! What?
Okay, let's go.
I now get my cards ready, because I'm sure
we've delayed long enough.
Yeah, absolutely.
So,
what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna kind of, like, I'm gonna have
my cards here, and then I'm gonna kind of, like,
grab Pybrain's attention to my hand.
Then I'm gonna do, like, a whole bunch of, like,
hand signs.
And then I look at Pybrain,
and then I go, like, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. I hope he knows what the fuck I was doing,
because I didn't know. And so now,
what I want to do is...
I...
I'm gonna bullshit you.
Mm-hmm. I want to do some psychic
mastery. Of course you do.
And narrative... narrative decoration
stuff. Okay. Okay.
To where, as he... as we begin to
place our cards,
I want to do a psychic mastery test
to warp his cards
to be something
completely different to where I would
win, guaranteed. Wait, but
wouldn't he then know shenanigans?
Wouldn't it be better to warp your cards?
Ah, that's where you come in, Pybrain.
Hmm.
And also trying to, like,
shenanigans. Basically, it's like I'm
messing up his vision
and kind of anybody, like, around his kind of deal.
I'm just, like, how can I do it to where
I can do a second magic thing
to just basically warp
the reality of those cards?
Do you have, like, an obfuscate or something?
Uh, no.
I don't know if that's... Yeah.
He has a...
I mean, I will allow this
if you make your narrative declaration
of bullshit.
And I will
allow you to make a psychic mastery
test and we'll treat it like a psychic power.
So if things go bad, things
will go really bad.
I'm assuming you're not doing
anything crazy unbound with it
or anything like that.
Not go unbound. It'll be funny.
Sure!
Well, you know, you can do that.
Let's, like,
yeah, clearly you've been staring at each other.
You've got your cards.
Roll. Roll.
Roll, please. Roll.
I think unbound is, like, three.
Three if you want to do unbound.
Yeah, so I'm gonna... I'll have to roll that separately
because the sheet doesn't want me to do that.
That's fair.
So that's a seven.
And I'll have to roll the other three.
And then
I don't see if any of them are terrible.
And there's one.
I'm going to wrath it.
Oh my gosh. Absolutely.
Just to make a hundred percent sure.
Oh, is that...
Yeah, that's both your wrath.
Yeah, Chad gave me another wrath.
Cool, cool.
Yeah, so that's nine.
Gotta roll the other two.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you don't re-roll the one.
Yeah, you don't re-roll the one.
Yeah, yeah, because that has to stay.
It's just nine.
It's a ten total.
It's a ten total, and okay.
And then we're gonna have some
some psychic
shenanigans.
Okay, fuck it.
You know what?
This'll make, like, Zoran angry,
so I'll go with it, because I like it.
It'll also just put an end
to, like, all of these damn complications
for forever.
All right, so you're staring at each other.
This is it.
You are psychically manipulating the cards.
There's, like,
the moment,
and, like, little crackles of lightning
are coming out of your eyes,
and you've got the, like, the lone sweat drop,
and then the lone sweat bead forms
on the Torellian.
I don't even know if fucking reptilian lizard people
sweat like that, but these ones do.
And, like, we cut back and forth
between your eyes.
And then there's the, like,
three, two, one, play the cards, bang!
And, like, Pybrain, you clearly see
that, like, Lorne has lost the hand.
But,
but,
the Pasha just looks
down and shakes his head.
Well, it appears I have lost,
friend.
I think internally,
I have no idea how this game works.
And then, then, like, Lorne,
as you're seeing, actually, no,
we're gonna cut over, we're gonna cut
over to Reeb
at Zedek.
Can both of you give me insight checks?
Why?
Because.
Why are you like this?
Because I love, I love cinematic scenes.
Oh, we got four.
Very good.
I'm presuming that both of us are walking over
to try and find the Kroot leader while this is happening.
Well, Captain, Captain Zedek is, like,
kind of, like, lost in his own world.
But, like, you've, you've,
Reeb, you've been paying a bit of attention.
You've, you've heard the card matches going on
and you're casually throwing glances.
And you've seen that, like, whatever's been played
has now been played.
But what you're seeing,
what you're seeing,
is that
the Turalyans are getting really angry.
Like, some of them are stamping their feet.
Eyes are narrowing.
Some of them are reaching for weapons.
Buddy, how
Zedek?
Yes?
I bash him in the shoulder and point towards the card table.
Oh.
Oh.
Also, my mic is muted.
I did wrath that in game four instead.
Oh, okay.
No, I mean,
I probably didn't need to do that
because I just literally did that.
I know, no, I did before, but I, my mic.
Oh.
But you both start seeing this
and there's just this
and as this is, as this is going on,
the Pasha's like, well, we lost,
we lost fair in the square, lads.
As, as the other Turalyans are now all looking down
at the cards.
Oh, did we?
Bosh.
I don't believe we did.
Woof.
And now at this point, Lorne,
there's like a dozen Turalyans
that have encircled your position,
all of them staring down at the cards.
I mean, absolutely.
One boy said, it's just a little nothing.
Just quickly putting the cards away.
And I go, ah, see, he said he lost.
Don't worry, you just, I don't worry about it.
Good game, boys.
Go, go, go, go on down.
It's all very, very good.
I mean, certainly the, the,
I can't win.
In every match, woof.
Um, and like Pie and Lorne,
you're starting to see, like,
as, as you're coming, like,
or as you're looking around,
you're seeing that like the Turalyans' eyes
are starting to get like bloodshot and red
as they just stare in pure rage down at the table.
Woof.
Woof.
Epenzetic will see the growing anger
and potential for bloodshed rising.
So he will quickly walk over
to the table and just kind of barge in.
Oh, Lorne, I see you're gambling your life savings again.
Oh yeah, yeah.
And I also am casting Shaped Flesh.
Okay.
Sure.
On what?
To give yourself resilience?
Yes.
Shields, shields.
Yeah, that's really cool, boys.
That's a, that's a fun gameplay.
But notice.
I couldn't help but notice you were playing cards.
Thurston, can I ask you something?
Yes, please.
Because I don't see this one going well.
Oh, really?
What tables are, what tables are nearby?
There are several tables.
Like, a lot of them are actually getting emptied
as more Turalyans are coming up to see the results of the game.
And you're, you're seeing the anger fuming in them.
Can I go to any table nearby that has Crute?
Not blending in, but like, Yeah, that's the opposite side.
Making myself a little bit shorter.
Okay.
I basically want to be, like, hiding behind one.
Okay.
So you start, like, making your way away from the growing conflagration
as Zedek tries to ingratiate himself in.
All of these Turalyans have now surrounded the table again.
More than, like, more than a dozen, perhaps even two dozen,
have now surrounded the table, all looking down.
All of them, except for the the Pasha Terrier, have begun.
Okay.
And like.
Lauren, you have, like, shaped your flesh to,
to give you an almost Turalyan appearance of, like, resilient scales.
Um, and then you, like, one of the Turalyans slams their fist down on the table,
staring into your eyes, Lauren.
And as you, you match this Turalyan's eyes,
you see that they are covered entirely in, like, a red mist.
And it stares into you, into your soul, and says,
It, it must have been you.
The Kroot.
And then they start turning as one towards the Kroot.
Oh, brow swipe.
That's true!
Captain Zedek, Captain Zedek seeing this, so looking like, Whoa, what's going on?
Why is everybody all huffy?
What's, what happened?
And like, as, as that happens, one of the Turalyans lets out a,
a shout and a battle cry of.
Brood.
And they start running.
Across.
The.
Bar.
And, uh, let's take our break here, shall we?
Cool.
Okay.
All right.
We're going to take a break, everybody.
We will be right back.
Just give us about, uh, five or 10 minutes.
Go get us, go get a snack.
We are back, everybody.
Welcome back to Warhams.
As we left off, we have a bunch of Turalyan dog soldiers charging at some Kroot.
Yeah.
The Turalyans are, are rushing.
They are.
They are.
They are rushing forward.
Uh, but almost like in, in a loose gaggle.
The, the Lex rights and tech rights all form a brief line with small Laz pistols and like
other auto pistols.
A few of them maybe have a bit more esoteric weapons and they just stand in front of the
Turalyans who, who come to a slow pause in their bloodless charge.
All right.
Then the voice of Tobias rings out in the area.
This has clearly gone on long enough.
It appears the components require some lubrication in order to function properly.
So the Turalyan components will stop in their fucking place right now and go back and sit
down.
And like the, the massive Turalyans are stamping their feet and staring.
What are, uh, what are the rest of you doing during this?
What's the big Turalyan dog soldier, uh, guy doing?
Uh, the Pasha terrier is still sitting in the booth with Lorne.
I'm gonna grab him.
Pasha, your people are about to get slaughtered by a tiny stupid child and his dumb little
pew pew gun.
Help me control your men.
I'm collecting my winnings.
You see, um, it's not going to be like that.
And he sort of like looks down and just lets out a somber woof.
All right.
I'm going to scatter over to the horde of dog soldiers.
Yeah.
They've like stopped at our stamping their feet in front.
Uh, Captain Zedek and Reeb, like Reeb, you were on the crew side.
So you're, you're sort of seeing this line rushing towards you and now being stopped
by the, uh, the mechanics of this area.
Yeah.
Are you just staying hunkered down where you are?
Uh, Reeb, Reeb is like going to get away from the...
No, you know, Reeb's gonna go to the bar and sit down.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Uh, Captain Zedek?
Captain Zedek is going to, I suppose, get up with Lorne and be like, Hey, what's,
what's going on?
Let's, let's not, uh, let's not, let's not fight here.
Lorne is collecting his winnings.
Yeah.
I'm at my table.
I'm just scooping it in.
I'm not gonna be able to help you.
Uh, Lorne, like, like, oh, you're just, okay.
Pie!
Uh, okay.
He's not, he's not doing anything either.
Uh, Captain Zedek's going to go up to the dog soldiers and the crew.
Oh.
I suppose get, he's gonna get between them, I guess.
With Pie?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, um, if I, if I may.
Oh!
Uh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Yes.
I'm gonna kind of try to rally their attention.
I'm gonna be like, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't,
I can't.
proactive talk soldiers!
The fight is for the points, maids!
Follow my lead, and return to your seats!
So that we may show these krutes and these tiny children!
I'm gonna point at the child again.
What!
What!
time comes are you with me and i'm going to take out my sword as like try to rally them and i'm
going to make a desperate leadership check okay um and i will be spending our glory on this
uh all four of it okay that is my investigation skill that is the wrong skill to pump that into
all right and i'm gonna roll for it
uh that is four successes i assume i'll be more so i will re-roll it
nice they they all pause in their track sort of like staring over towards you the the red in their
eyes starts to starts to dissipate slightly and they go back to their sort of like regular
whitish yellow coloration uh by the way the the the reason that that happened was because of a
psychic complication from lorn
which was me taking every fucking one of the 10 000 blood for the blood god complications all of
you have submitted over the past several months and putting them all together because every other
psychic test has been blood for the blood god so those trillions wanted blood for the blood god
but uh an 11 on a leadership test is enough to enough to uh to abate them just just a little
bit here um and as as the trillions sort of start to step back uh you hear from
you pi oh no it's not gonna be that easy as as tobias steps forward clearly you have established
your affiliation with these components so you can read these components in the next fight
yeah that sounds like a good idea all right now it's to say no i am going to update the registry
and he pulls out a small device it looks like a
data pad presses a few things all right you are now all red team and like the colors and everything
just change red team um you are you're handed captain zedek a red card there you go captain
zedek does this mean i'm ejected from the games now oh no this means you are representing the
red team over there you are being relegated to blue team
there is like a blue coloration that that pops up away so what's going to happen now
is you are going to go to your fort and get ready to fight
hey thurston can i can i do something here absolutely
reeve has been sort of rubbing his temples sitting at the bar watching this nonsense unfold for what
seems to be like the 10th time in the past yes
um you know a couple months he's been doing this
reeve is going to place his hands on the table and hold up his card
tobias yes we have read one
may i switch this for blue
whoa all right reeve no i don't want to kill you
oh
reeve we could just you know talk it out
and just make one big team
of components.
That would have been an excellent thing to do
prior to this happening.
We can still fix it.
We can make this happen.
We can make it work.
Sorry, I just had to chat.
Team Simpid Auto-Balanced.
Team Valve Auto-Balanced.
Every time.
It also works because
Pine's coat is red
and Reeb's...
That's true.
Red versus blue.
Am I also the blue
spectrum? Should I go blue?
Ironically, yes.
Your chestplate's blue and then
my coat is also red on the inside.
Boy, this is going to make it complicated
for Thurston. I'll also go blue.
There it goes.
Yeah.
Thurston, you planned for that, right?
I'll help you out, Reeb.
I also go blue.
Oh my god! Everything on Warhammer
is so scripted!
No!
Damn it, Reeb!
I need you to understand this.
This has happened so many times.
So many times
in the past 20 sessions
we've had. Reeb is carefully
trying to assemble something
and carefully glean information from things.
And then...
He was so close this time!
He was...
No offense, Zoran,
or Speaker.
I didn't do nothing!
I walked to the table and was
bet. This is all, Lorne.
See? See, look at all the work
Zoran and I did. Look at all the work.
Like, we had this lovely scene and then
we're like, oh man, maybe
they'll pick the crew. Won't that
be cool? We can put this up. Now
maybe they could pick the Turalyon
dog soldiers. Cool, we could use
this background. Wouldn't that be cool?
No, fuck it. You've picked both
of them. And also
neither. Balance.
As all things should be.
This is actually probably the
coolest thing that could have happened.
Warhams Civil War. Yeah, it's
true. It's happened. Reeb is going
to take his
little blue card and he's going
to go right up to Zedek.
Captain? A word.
Yes.
Reeb is going to act
uncharacteristically violent and he's going to
grab Zedek by the lapels.
Oh my. He's going to bring
him close like he's about to headbutt him.
Captain?
Yes,
Reeb?
Please be sure to ask the Turalyon dog
soldiers about what their interest
in the fuckabree is. I will do the same for the
crew. Thank you.
And then I will stomp him away.
Captain Zedek will grab the scruff
of Reeb's overcoat, or I guess
his shirt, and pull him in.
Well, before he even breaks away.
Okay. And his
stub him off.
We do a tandem shove where we both
fall backwards. I'll try to
just run in there and go, yeah! Oh!
Yeah! Fuck you, red team!
And then I just, like, back up with Reeb.
Like, something happened.
Yeah, yeah, and, like, and very clearly
at this point, the Kroot in the far back
has stood up, the one with the cloak,
and has walked up with his
strange alien weapon, and, like,
strides forward
and looks over
everything and, like, then looks at
Lorne and then goes,
God.
The teams weren't
balanced. Now they're
balanced. Good.
And then turns and, like,
walks out.
All right! All the
red team, go that way!
The blue team, go that way!
Your respective
forts have been prepared!
Man, Captain
Zedek, it's going to be so
sad when I have to kill
Reeb and Lorne.
We're not going to actually
kill them, Pi.
I was going to say before Pi said this,
Captain, I'm sure Captain Zedek and Reeb
just exchanged a sly, like,
half-smile and, like,
cunning eyes, cunning glance towards
each other.
But the moment has passed.
Zedek, this is my one opportunity to
legitimately set Pi on fire.
I'm doing it.
This is my one opportunity
to not really care, I guess.
So, sure.
Go for it!
You're right. I know my every move.
Oh, shit. I love two-four.
I grab him.
Zedek, this is so exciting!
It's like back when I led my
Skitarii squad all over again.
Yes!
Oh, and the unit, and people that
listen to me and think that I'm kind of
neat.
This is great!
We're going to do so good!
All right, you got that arc pistol.
Yes, we must come up with a precipitous plan.
We know their every movement. Yes, engage!
Your protocols!
Are we all-
Pi?
Yes.
Didn't you say something terrible happened
to the squad you led?
That's why you're with us now?
Yeah.
But that's why I'm here.
That's why I am the captain.
The one time where if somebody dies, it doesn't
negatively affect the crew count.
Yeah.
Except for, and Captain Zedek will point back to
the crewt who he recruited.
Yeah.
You, you can't die.
You're not allowed to fight.
Maybe.
Uh, I'll wait here.
If, if you want, you can, I suppose you can
come along with us.
Just grab some snacks and drinks.
I, I don't actually know what you need.
Didn't you buy unlimited rounds from the bar?
Couldn't he just literally stay here while it's empty?
Yes.
Can the crew be a water boy?
If he, if he wants it.
If it's empty.
If it wants, I don't know.
Look, I, I really want to talk to you, but we've
kind of crossed the point of no return right now.
Please just, just take it easy here.
You've, you've done enough to.
Gonna turn this on.
Gonna switch to the starting line up here.
As I have, uh, procured a battle map for us.
Would you like to describe the battle map?
Hey, watch my help show up.
Hey, watch my help show up.
For people on audio?
modes have been updated to 37.
It is a overhead view of two different forts, uh, one of which is colored red.
The other is colored blue.
. . . . . .
. . Zod.
Let's start hitting your crew.
look at me i'm over here i'm dead it's also the original two two fort by the way because i really
tried for tf2 two fort but like first of all the bridge has like an overhang on it which makes an
a top down view terrible for a battle mat this one perfect 10 out of 10
terrific yeah all right i think this is quake version instead but whatever like oh yeah this
is this is tfc yeah i got no but still it is it is two forts staring at each other now as i have
established the two forts for the two fort uh combat that is about to occur uh each team both
red and blue can establish your battle lines uh on your respective sides without going on the bridge
yeah a so you may position yourselves where you would like
okay i'll be up here okay so you're going up to the uh the top of the fort
yeah i'm going i'm going the sniper lane yeah oh guys got that fucking charging sniper rifle
from team fortress classic god that thing was weird uh reeb's gonna just be down here because
he's going he's planning on doing his hilarious unnatural medicaid attacks to basically be the
medic
excellent red team i is going to grab all the trellian dog soldiers
all right gentlemen it's time for us to utilize tactics you guys know what those are right
okay good the brute creatures worth right yes but we must be smart about this i'm going to tell you
i know our enemy now then reed van horn is a powerful medic uh this means unfortunately
you can he must be geeked first but on top of that he also has access to a flamer this means that
choke points are our natural enemy in addition the psycher lawne barnes has access to powerful
techniques to either shield his friends from harm or more like he's just going to shoot on me but
that's problems so that is also a choke point clearer therefore a more patient game advises us
if we play a more long-range game between xerox marksmanship and an idiot who knows how to shoot
on my own, we might be able to
win the day. However,
we must make sure we don't charge in
heatlessly. To that end,
I recommend we remain within
cover, and we create
not a huge mosh pit
of death right here.
I'm sorry, Speaker. For some
reason, when you were talking about what Lorne
could do, I thought you were about to say,
and Lorne, Lorne, he has a LMAO
box.
He will no clip.
And kill us.
Pie is saying this, Captain Zedek, just
throws his hands up in the air, just crab walks into the
water, proceeding to go under the map.
Bye, Crab.
Sploosh.
Oh yeah, Reeve, are you giving
a harassing speech
to the Groot? Alright, so
here's the plan. There is one
on their side that is exceptionally
dangerous, and it's not one of the Talan Dark
soldiers. It is the one in the
deep red coat.
The one whose face you can't quite adequately
see, the one with the two flashlights for eyes.
He must come
down first.
I will take care
of any that try to cross, but if they
elect to play a ranged game, then
we will have to come up close.
Whatever the case, we will have to get rid of him
first, and then...
Well, we'll see what happens. But I fully
intend to take care of the brunt of them.
If any of you start to take any sort of wounds,
do me a favor and retreat to the back line
so I can take care of them immediately.
All right.
Yes, we can do this.
Groot. Groot
advance.
Excellent.
All right. Now, here are our
secondary objectives. We must
assassinate and slay the
Warlord. Then we can worry about
getting Linebreaker. We have to get Linebreaker.
Linebreaker.
What the fuck is
happening this session?
I was like, okay, and then we'll have a normal combat
where, like, they fight some
enemies from the side they
haven't chosen. We're meta.
We're fucking wargaming. This is like the
PvP everyone's always wanted.
Like, fuck.
Now, if you attack their
capital ship directly, we can
literally tank their hedge funds
and we can destroy their citadel,
thereby bankrupting
their corporation head.
All of the alien...
I need your news. I need you to concussion
jump so you can capture the flag.
Well, then, make sure that you are
within a covered
position.
All right.
Captain Zedek,
you are our leader, man.
Do the leading.
Really embarrassing question.
We win just by getting our card in
their base, right?
Yes, yes. You have to insert
your card into the slot in their base.
Okay.
So, like, is it, like, deep inside
the base, or is it, like, in the front?
Um, so,
your understanding is that
there's some kind of labyrinthine
um, layout
inside the base that maybe
if you played a
certain game, you would
remember the layout of.
Dude, I played the shit out of that game
and I still don't remember the fucking layout. It was a
nightmare. I mean, you could give me
a scholar test.
All right, fine. I'll get it. I'll take a scholar
test, and I will win, because it's funny.
Uh,
scholar gives me a five.
All right, so, first, when you get inside,
you turn right.
Then you go to the end, then you turn left.
Then you go up the stairs, and then you go down.
Then you turn left, then you
take the first left, then you take
a right, and that's where the slot is.
Got it. Yeah.
Okay, good. Yeah.
Hope the rest of you guys got that,
because I wrote it down.
My brain
wouldn't think like that.
No.
Go to, like, the
water entrance and find himself back in the
middle again on accident.
I'm assuming that Pi and
Zedek are inside the wall
here.
I'm going to ask
for the chip.
I'm entrusting you with our
own chip.
Nice.
Zedek, if I die, you must see
Lemuria triumphant.
Yes.
Just the ease at which you
fucking betrayed each other.
We are fast friends
and even faster enemies.
Now, you need to make sure
you take down that piece of
shit, Lord. No.
There's all the animosity.
It is just coming in now.
Like, fuck that guy.
Put him in a nursing home, Pi.
We're going to put him in a nursing home.
A really bad one.
Yeah.
You know, they're always saying,
I'm not a tech priest, and they're saying,
I know, since the
Horus Heresy, there's been this level of
You're right. We don't need
the, I mean, the guy, the medic.
Uh, you're going to regret that.
Ha ha ha ha.
You have to get enough speed.
You have to go across the air.
I'll make, I'll do, like,
six half presses.
No, you don't want to go into the other map.
Oh, I don't want to go into the other map.
Okay, can we start, please?
Um,
alright. So...
Oh, dear Lord.
Okay, um...
This is making it hard for you. I'm sorry, man.
No, no, this is fucking amazing, and I love it.
I'm sipping on the GM.
Um,
Pie or Zedek?
Pick one.
Pie.
Reeb or Lorne? Pick one.
Uh, I'm going to say Lorne.
Okay.
Lorne and Pie, roll me 1d6.
You got it.
I get a six.
Perfect.
Okay.
I got the opposite of that.
Okay, that means...
That the blue team is going to go first.
Excellent.
Terrific.
Now, before anyone says anything,
um, seize the initiative
with glory is temporarily
disabled.
Okay.
Good, good.
You can't, you can't seize against your allies.
We're not allies right now.
Yeah, well, I know,
but we also don't have the technology
for two separate glory pools, so no.
We can melt each other
of...
An envelope full of our fists
that are striking.
And if...
Blue team, who wants to go first?
All right, so, Lorne,
your options include
the Shaper,
the two characters,
or the Troop of Kroot.
Lorne, what I'd like you to do
is I'd like you to beam these guys.
If you can.
So, um,
there's actually a very pertinent amount of information.
So, from your scholar check,
would you also have the knowledge
that there is that underwater tunnel?
No.
Would I?
Yes, yes.
So, if I have the chip,
I'm just gonna go under there and go score.
That is an idea.
I was gonna suggest that we get them out of the way.
Because I can levitate
and just fucking scroller through that shit
into two things,
and they can't get to me fast enough.
Because they won't see it.
They won't know,
because they didn't do anything about the base.
Yeah, but Zoran,
you didn't understand something.
That would be like the sniper
going to go cap the flag.
I...
I...
I also still have
Saint Flesh on
with high resilience right now.
Oh, so you're going to play fat scout.
Yeah, I'm literally fat scouting it,
and they can't get to me fast enough.
Um...
I want to point out earlier in the session...
I really want to point out earlier in the session
with that insect guy who's like,
and sometimes the matches,
they, uh,
they, or the bartender,
the matches,
they end quick
when someone's just like
really keen on scoring,
the point,
and getting over.
All right, yeah, you know what?
Fine.
Go for it.
I will...
I will deal with this nonsense.
I will handle the fighting.
You just go play the objective.
Because of how bullshit that is, though,
I will say that we did not arrange
that I had the chip at the beginning
because we didn't decide that.
I will say that, like, you had it,
or one of the crews had it,
because I...
because while I was sitting here thinking about it,
I was like, that's such horseshit.
This would not make that fun.
So we'll make it interesting.
You'll find out the Turalyans
have set up a sentry in there,
and then you swear.
Yeah, let's...
Yeah, let's...
Let's say that I'm going to avoid that
because it's such garbage.
Now I'm...
Now I'm really thinking about
because of how fast Levitate can go
or my Levitate power can go.
Yeah.
That's such horse garbage
because I'm like, oh, I can't...
I just love that you're, like,
actually applying, like, real tactics
and be like, no, that's cheesy.
When, like, literally before,
you're like, all right,
we're going to have a situation
where we're going to arrange a PvP
because fuck Thurston.
Thanks.
Thanks for this asshole.
Yeah.
So if you're not going to Levitate,
then please do Bean the guys
that are on Pi's side if you can.
Whatever you're planning on doing.
Okay, so I'm still sustaining
my Shave Flesh thing.
The other thing I do want to do
is...
I'm up top,
so no one's going to be able to get to me.
Really good...
Really good questions to basically do it.
Okay, so I'm going to...
What I'm going to do...
So Molten Beam doesn't have
a lot of long range, though.
Yeah, that's the issue,
that Molten Beam...
Like, I have to know
what the distance is
because that's the issue.
I think I have it set up...
Yeah, I have it set up
pretty realistic distances here.
Okay, so...
Molten Beam is a range of 10,
so I can't do that.
Yeah.
Okay.
So what I'm going to do
is that I'm then going to cast Regenerate.
Okay.
So then I'm going to cast Regenerate
on myself and complicate on one of them,
but I do...
Oh, good.
I actually have to re-roll that
because I'm not going to get it off
since it's been a wrap for that.
So I do get Regenerate off,
but I do complicate
if you want to roll that on me.
Yeah, we'll figure out
what you get here.
One sec.
And so that was that for Regenerate.
So I'm regenerating now.
I have my Shaped Flesh
which is giving me up in Resilience.
And then I'm going to cast...
And finally, I'm going to cast
Levitation on myself.
Additionally.
And I get that off as well.
Actually, no, I don't
because that's additional plus two.
So I'd have to re-roll the other Wrath
and that's all my stuff.
All right.
Okay.
Because I don't have range.
Okay.
Yeah.
So you complicate,
which is fun.
I am going to use the complication
of the Hands of Chaos
by Old Man Skeletal.
Which allows me...
Because I'll be nice and do it here.
Which allows me to swap the Glory
and the Rune Pools.
Oh!
Just drop a Glory and give me a Rune.
Okay.
As the Dark Gods cackle at this game
that is about to occur.
If I were the Dark Gods,
I too would be cackling.
At whatever the...
All right.
So, Lorne, you have come out on Sniper Row.
You have begun the buffing.
The Chaos Gods have laughed.
Red Team?
Not gonna lie,
this doesn't look good.
I will admit, yes.
However,
I will carry us, Zedek.
Have no fear.
I'm hoping that means
you're literally gonna pick me up
or we're just gonna go piggybacking
like a cavalry unit.
I would have also expected...
Like, after, like, Zoran's one thing...
Yeah, I was gonna say...
Let's go under the time of the Abode
jump in the water!
All right.
Okay.
So...
I suppose I should take the initiative,
more than likely.
Um...
What is the range on your pistol, Zedek?
Uh, ooh, the range on my pistol?
I haven't thought about that in a hot minute.
I know, it's almost like I include a map
that has some ranges on it.
And what is happening here?
Fifteen.
Fifteen. That's not bad.
Hmm. Okay.
I...
We're playing kill team at this point.
I am a skitari!
But I'm also tech priest!
You also know it wouldn't be this bad
if it was you versus one side,
but now you just all fucking care about
hurting each other.
This is my one chance
to actually, legitimately take out
my frustrations against everything.
Very good, Erndil.
Very good.
Conversely for Speaker to me as well,
because no doubt he's a little at it
with Reeb being stuck up.
I like Reeb.
But now I'm going to kill him.
Yeah, just run in. That'd be really funny.
Uh...
All right.
Decisions, decisions.
Um... I'll make a decision.
So I see that he's currently
crackling with sexual energy, correct?
Yeah, oh yeah. Like, the most sexual.
You're literally seeing me super saying up
and Einzel going like,
it's like, power up, defense up,
spell defense up.
If this were
Tabletop Sim, he'd have all these tokens
being thrown down beside him.
That is a very
convincing argument.
Um...
I'm going to take out my plasma gun.
I'm sorry, Jon.
Die!
And I am going to
open fire into
lore.
Okay.
Full auto.
Okay.
You full auto a plasma gun?
Yes.
Well, it's a rapid fire, so you only get the bonus if you're in, uh...
Well, no, I'm using my salvo.
Oh, so you're super charging. You're not full auto.
I'm super charging, and then I'm going to use salvo.
Oh, and using the salvo.
Yeah.
Okay. And you're super charging?
I am, yes.
Okay, so you're going to be in medium range, so there's
no penalties. Loren, you're going to get a
plus two to your defense because
of your tactical position here.
Call.
Uh, and I'm going to...
In the interest of fairness,
I will not spend the entire glory
pool. I will only spend two.
I am not allowing you fucks to use
glory against each other.
That is completely fair.
Alright.
Ugh.
Yeah, here we go.
Actually, you know what? Knowing
that, right? Knowing that he's
defensive, knowing that he's got these defensive
buffs...
I'm going to attack Reeb.
Okay? Okay.
He will also get some defensive buffs
from the cover of his allies.
That is true.
However, he will not be
getting regenerate.
That's true. That's the bonus there.
Alright, so
also, if I fail to kill him, perhaps...
I'm sorry, harm him. Perhaps
Zedek can finish
his job? Oh no.
Alright, my ally!
Seven successes.
What bonus am I getting to defense?
You're getting plus two to defense because of the
crew wall. Okay, that'll still hit me.
Okay. Alright, what's
your defense? Three.
Okay, so I will be shifting
one? Yes. Yeah.
One. Okay. I'm just
going to quickly check because I never shoot
this weapon. I'm just going to very quickly
check and see what my funny weapon does
for supercharge. It adds plus two
damage dice, right?
If I'm not mistaken?
Yes. Oh no, plus three!
Probably dangerous damage dice, dude.
Indeed. Alright.
So...
Fuckin' Yoricka!
Oh my god.
Nice work.
Oh. I actually...
That should be one more.
Because I shifted...
Alright, so
real quick. Yes.
Alright. 21 damage,
AP 3. So let me clear this up.
Yes.
You did AP 3, right? Yes.
So I have one armor value.
I'm out.
Well,
wait. Wait.
No, I'm out, Thurston. That's
21 against eight wounds.
If I manage to resilience
all of it, I'm out.
I mean, roll the resilience.
Even if he makes the resilience,
he's still dead. I know. Roll
the resilience.
Hang on. Gotta find the fuckin' check.
I wasn't even gonna hurt anybody.
I was gonna just cast Crush just to stop
you. Appreciate it.
You decided to hardcore this
for some reason.
I was gonna just use Crush!
So that's
determination, yes? Yes.
I told you to Molten Beam!
And I wasn't gonna fuckin' listen to him!
I wasn't Molten Beaming you.
I was Molten Beaming the guys who were
expendable. You fuckin'...
Dude, come
on!
So, I have good news. That kills
me?
You were a tame, you dumb
fuck!
What was the good news?
No, that was it.
The good news, I'm dead. Okay!
Hold on.
That's double my hit points
over. He took
damage. Can I
use Gallows Humor to make a joke at its expense
so he gets Shock instead?
And just have it, we'll say,
take off the Shock so he doesn't fuckin'
die.
Um...
I am, uh, I am
going to, uh, to mark
Reeb down. Wait, Spender!
Spender ruined
point. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
actually, yeah. I am going to
to, to, to spend
a ruined point. Uh...
Uh...
And I'm
going to keep Reeb alive at one wound.
You didn't think that through, did you?
The rune looks cool now!
We're on the same fuckin'
team, Speaker!
We're talking about shooting each other!
I didn't talk shit!
I was literally buffing myself
so I didn't get shot by the dog so
I didn't get shot by the dog!
I didn't get shot by the dog!
Speaker, if you go down, I can patch you up.
If I go down, who's gonna fuckin' heal me?
I'll heal you, I'll take care of you.
I'm gonna get to supercharge it!
I'm gonna get to supercharge it!
I'm gonna get to supercharge it!
I don't know why!
Mark me down a ruined point, Reeb, you
survive at one wound, and for now
until the end of time, Chat can no
longer complain any time I spend a
ruined point to keep something alive at one health.
Fuck all of you!
I'm still knocking myself down to shock because
I'm determination.
Hold on.
Let me get a word in here.
Yes, yes.
To be fair, we can't fault Pi
for waking up and choosing violence
because that is how he wakes up every
day. He is just acting
as he naturally would.
Oh my goodness!
I will let this happen, speaking
as a player who obviously runs this game,
I will let this happen if you give him a
point of corruption.
Fair.
Fair.
You threw an overcharged
plasma shot at me!
You were gonna set me on fire!
On fire!
Fire!
Remember the last time I did that and you didn't die?
Blue team, who would like to
Wait, hold on! You know
what? Fuck you! I spent
two things in my movement, I'm back behind
the wall.
You can only move once. Oh, okay, never mind.
Yeah, you rat.
Never mind. I love you.
Oh, no!
You've already shown your true feelings.
You can't back-pedal this.
You gave him the old spicy ball!
Holy shit!
I should have activated
the non-leaf.
You know what?
Since we're doing this shit now,
I have the chip, and on
blue team, I wanna go
at some point, and I'm gonna zoom
past that fucking tunnel. Fuck that now.
Agents have vecked you at this point.
You have no
right to complain.
You literally could have been
just one plasma ball. That would have been
plenty to knock him down.
I supercharge and I fall off.
Okay, alright.
As a player,
as a player,
the reason I did that is because my ballistic
skill is five and I didn't wanna miss.
Moving past this,
it's my turn.
No, Lorne is already gone, so
blue team has to pick a new person.
Yeah, can I go and patch myself up now?
Absolutely.
Good, I'm going to do that.
Since this is not attacking my friends,
now I'm going to drain the glory pool.
I will allow that.
Fucking pain in my ass.
Unbelievable.
Utterly unbelievable. That is literally what
you're saying.
As like, Nurgle has
looked down and is like, unbelievable.
This one, he can still laugh.
Twelve.
So, four.
Yeah, four.
Because you have three, you can shift.
Listen,
it's not my fault. One, two, three, four.
The last skin and paper bones.
And your plasma gun!
You wouldn't do that
well if that shot you.
I have been shot with a
plasma gun, sir.
Yeah, and you went down.
Oh, uh,
this actually is a fault of mine because we got
so caught up in the absolute
bullshittery of what he's been doing.
So, speaker also complicated
on all that shit.
Oh, really?
On a supercharged shot?
Yes. I don't believe you.
No, I actually, I have...
I think you're lying.
I could screenshot it.
I'm going to screenshot it to you right now that somebody
paid
a hundred dollars to fuck you up.
Fine.
They even heard the screenshot.
I'm going to do copy image.
This is fine.
We can make this work.
Take six mortal wounds.
Yeah.
I will. You will.
You're welcome.
As plasma...
Okay, as Nurgle's like, I like this one.
He could stay alive.
Fuck that guy.
It's fine.
I don't need my friend's respect.
I need their corpses.
I don't believe in friends.
I don't believe in a phone.
Just everybody dead in my nuclear throne.
If we can't kill each other,
then you can infinitely keep people alive.
Red team, you're actually, sorry,
Reeb, would you like to move as well?
You can move.
No one else is injured, so I'm waiting
for the rest of them to go.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm not about to take fire for them.
Wait, can't you choose to have the Krikoford?
Well, no.
They have their own actions.
They're NPCs. They're not mine to control.
Why do you think I was trying to
shoot yours?
Because they're not you!
Hey, Reeb, still up?
We're going to have a long
conversation after this fucking
stream's over.
I'm going to sit down and go,
Speaker, what happened?
Someone's ass is going to be red raw after this,
and I'm going to be golden.
No, fuck you guys.
This wasn't even my idea.
I'm getting all the shit.
I got two more wounds.
Hi, y'all.
You would have killed me.
You would have killed me.
But you lived.
Speaker.
I'm sorry.
Thurston has four ruin to keep us
alive.
If you don't keep shooting me.
I don't use the weapon a lot.
I'm sorry.
Pie, pie.
You almost turned Revan Horn into
a free hamburger.
That being said,
throw me the chip.
Thanks in advance to Magnifigal
for doing an animation of this in the future.
I can't wait.
After the one she's currently doing,
we're fast tracking this one.
Yes.
The visions of Pie
Brain just going mad
with power.
He's like, oh,
you want to throw up on my shoes,
would you?
Pie is seizing with anger over here.
All right, red team,
pick a fucking person to go.
I do still
like the idea that you were going to shoot
Lorne first.
Just to kill him.
Zedek's going to go.
Please tell me
I emerge from cover and shoot Reeb.
Please.
Come on, Zedek, come on.
Got to finish the job.
Come on.
Got to hit me with a big zap.
Better make it hurt.
Come on, fat boy, bring it on.
I am not fat.
I am thick.
Captain Zedek will emerge from cover and shoot Reeb.
Go ahead.
Oh, God, my sides.
I can't.
You have violated my NAP
and thus you will die.
Pickhams, let's see it.
Oh, my God, I can't.
Everything hurts.
Fuck.
That meets my defense.
With the plus two
because of the Kurt, right?
Yeah, that meets my defense.
Wait, wait, wait, actually, one sec.
So you're emerging from cover,
Captain Zedek, you're using the arc pistol?
Oh.
Do you have the range for that?
Hold up, wait a minute.
If you could, if you moved up easily.
I have an idea.
I'm going to shoot Reeb
and then I'm going to dive.
And then you're going to what?
Dive.
Oh, so you're going to come out, shoot Reeb,
and hop into the water.
What's the range on the arc?
Fifteen.
Okay, that'll hit me.
Is that the long or the short range?
That is, I think,
that's got to be the long range.
I'm, uh...
Arc pistol.
Here we go. The long range is eighteen.
Medium is twelve.
So, at long range...
Okay.
So, um...
Oh, okay.
Oh, at long range
gets plus two defense, so you will miss Reeb.
It's okay, I'll reroll.
I'll wrap it.
Oh my god.
Do it, do it, do it.
Why not?
Let's just get everything out in the open here.
It's the only combat we're getting this game anyway.
I'm going to set my pistol to seize.
Jeez.
So it won't kill him, but it will knock him down.
Maybe.
Okay.
Oh my god!
Jesus!
Hey, uh...
Hulky, what is your malfunction?
You called me fat.
I am fat.
Holy fuck!
Well, an exotic is a thickum.
Hold the damage.
Hold the damage!
Shift one dice, you brain filter.
Yeah, yeah, feel free to
shift the extra damage you guys do
because you hate Erntil.
Rage.
Oh my god.
To be fair, the pistol is non-lethal at this moment
because I'm not trying to kill him.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
So you're just going to deal what, shock?
I don't know what it would deal with. I said to not kill.
Or stun. Or seize.
You know what?
If I could say a thing real quick.
This is the real Blood for the Blood God
complication.
Chat unintentionally, no matter what happens,
Chat has won today.
To be fair, that complication
is what led to this, so yeah.
Yeah.
Are there any complications that need to be dished out now
before we go forward?
It's not...
Thurston has three complications.
I'm going to be
getting to those once I have all these infantry
fuckers going, so.
Alright, so you'll hit, roll the...
Jesus Christ. Okay!
17 points of damage!
Hey, guess what? I'm down!
Nergal's like,
No. No, you're not.
Alright, back to one health
again.
Stun him. That's all I want, is to stun.
I don't even want to do damage.
I just want to stun him. Oh, and then you're jumping
in the water? Yeah. Okay.
Oh, hang on, let me, let me,
let me, let me, Determination.
Cool. Nice.
I actually...
What did he, four...
Armor value, five over...
No, I would still
go down, but I'm now at...
Oh my god.
Thurston. Cool.
Yes?
If I'm not mistaken, have I already used my simple
action?
I mean, you can take
multiples, just that the minus two penalty was.
Oh, I was just going to use Gallows Humor
to give Reeb some
shock. That is the fucking
point. Because I'm not trying to kill you!
Absolutely, you can make a witty
remark as you swan dive into the water.
I would never not allow you to do that.
Reeb will remember that both of you
have shot him.
You will literally gain shock for this, so
I'm saving you.
I know, Reeb. Reeb, your
behavior today has been shocking
and appalling. But here, take some health
back. I hate you. I hate you.
I know. Let me see that roll.
Let me see that roll to see if it is about as effective
on Reeb as it is against me.
Here we go.
Yeah, exactly.
The roll is a two.
I get one shock back.
Now, um, sorry,
Zedek, can you give me an awareness test?
Yeah.
The crotal it in the water.
Bored and blurry.
Oh, that's cool. That's cool.
There is something in the water.
There is something in the water.
It's a chicken.
Nope. I mean, it's a thing.
I'm going to describe it in just a sec
once I share the full art.
Actually, wait, no. I pulled the wrong thing.
My bad.
That's a weird thing to have under water.
I pulled the wrong thing
to put in the water.
My bad.
Give me one sec here.
It looks up at you from the water
and stares into your eyes
and has sort of
gnashing teeth
and a big broad mouth
and kind of rises out from the water.
Where did you get that darn lock from?
And it's in the water
and it looks at you
and stares at you.
Sup?
Oh my god.
That's on our side, right?
That's on our side, right?
That's on our side, right?
That's on our side, right?
Wow.
It's just a regular Gnar lock.
Smaller tap of Gnar lock.
Smaller tap of Gnar lock.
Okay, cool.
And I believe
this now comes into
me doing a whole bunch of stuff
because I've got a whole bunch of stuff to do.
So let's figure this out together
So let's figure this out together because
Oh my god. Sorry, I'm also just fixing this token
because Roll20 decided
to be done with tokens.
There we go.
Please be sure to knock Thurston
down a ruin because he kept me alive again.
Oh yeah, sorry. Thank you for telling me that.
Did you get the two? Because I've done it twice now.
I got the first one, you did it
and I just...
Alright, so at this point
that was the Zedek
then the Kroot go
and they...
Yeah.
What? What was that?
I heard a shout. Was someone shouting?
Reem shouted, get him.
Oh, yeah, yeah, they're definitely
they're definitely
gonna be running.
I've absorbed all the major damage.
Rushing that way.
And actually as they rush
they're going to fracture off into two different
groups.
At which point the Turalyon dog soldiers
are going to shoot into their
counterparts in an effort to
quell their numbers.
So the first group is going to shoot
with their stub cannons.
Three bonus
dice.
Missing
the first group. Wow. Terrific shot.
The second southern group
will hit and complicate.
I also believe the first group complicates.
You're also rolling for the dog soldiers
on these. I don't know if you're...
I don't know if the Kroot have anything different.
The Kroot just moved so
they didn't roll. They're melee. But basically,
basically what Pi will see
is a common problem
in Team Fortress related maps.
The Turalyons begin firing wildly
and only the southern group actually manages
to get any kind of hit.
But then they immediately run out of ammo.
All of them.
Oh my god.
And they manage to
wound one of the Kroot. Actually no, that'll
take out one of the Kroot.
But then all their guns kind of click
empty as they're just firing wildly.
Inaccurately. And just
spraying the ground.
They're coming, coming!
And now
the Turalyons are all out of ammo.
At this point, the Kroot
leader moves up.
Quick.
Speaker.
Dispenser. Taking a
shot at
Pi Brain.
And that will also complicate, as you
recall. It will. This will be
yes, yes, this will be a bad complication.
However, I think
this will
get some bonuses here.
I'm in two layers of cover here.
I'm in between my guys in cover.
So what's my defense bonus?
So you, basically you will get
the, like, the plus two. Because cover only
goes up to plus two. Oh, okay.
Yeah.
We're doing that.
We're doing that. We're firing
and seeing what happens. Probably not.
Not a lot, but we'll see here.
Let's see. I'm not quite
happy with that, so I'm going to mark myself
down a rune point, because I want to punish
Speaker for hurting his friend.
I've been punished enough.
I'll still miss, though.
And it'll complicate.
And the complication that we'll
go for on that is
The complication on this one
is going to be pretty basic in that
it is also out of ammo.
So this Xenos
weapon fires off these bolts of
these pulse bolts of energy, and then
it stammers out, and the
crew shaper looks down and shakes his head
and turns it around and begins
rushing as though using it as a cudgel.
The Turalyon
Pasha, however, sees his
mortal enemy across the field of battle
and raises
up his weapon.
Uh...
And takes a shot.
And takes a shot.
And takes a shot.
And takes a shot.
Hoping that both these idiots
survive, because we need to get information out of both.
I mean, who knows?
I'll just use this, actually.
Boop! And...
Damn!
And...
And...
The Pasha's a bit off the armor, but
deals some damage to the crew.
Cool. All right.
Awesome. And then that's
it for them, and then the
Gnarloc
comes swimming over to Captain
Zedek in the water.
Hey, buddy?
Is it making Gnarloc noises, to be
obvious? It goes,
chicken noises.
It goes,
chicken noises.
And its, like, beak leers back
and its mouth opens, and it descends
on you, Captain Zedek.
Uh, I'm gonna sidestep as a reflection.
Sure.
Oh god, it critically
hit you. Fuck.
Will a seven still hit
you? Uh...
Yeah, it's defense
six is my peak. Oh, and I'm gonna crit
you too, that's cool. Fuck.
Um...
Will he be taking any
malices for being in the water?
Uh...
No. Okay. They're naturally
adept at swimming.
Oh yes, they are crude.
Um, but I will only
do thirteen points of damage with one AP.
I will determination this
to not die.
Good. And then we'll find out what the critical effect
is. Oh boy.
It's a two.
Okay. That's good.
Uh, hmm.
I will
then get a fifty-four, which is
Crimson Ash. The attack
sears into the foe, fusing
flesh into a charred
rune. I don't know, it's beak is on
fire or something.
Oh, it's in the water!
I think it's some animation.
Yeah, mods, mods, mods, mods,
that's what it is. Yeah, exactly.
RDM, RDM, RDM, RDM!
Oh shit, they squirt the point, he's super
charged! Uh, you, oh
Jesus Christ. He's got the smash ball!
Uh, you suffer 1d3
plus one more, uh, wounds, just
regular wounds.
I'm pretty sure I'm down.
So, you take two wounds.
And you
are also on fire. Cool.
In the water? In the water?
It's gasoline.
I know, I'm, I'm
just fucking with you. You're, you're, you're
literally just like, like, taken down
by that. Yeah, but you're gonna spend
a Ruin to keep him up on one HP,
right? Well, uh, no, here's
the thing. I would've been killed by
your attacks, because they did double my
hit points. Yeah, he's fine.
Person. Yes?
I have a refractor field, does that mean I can
again roll Determination against
mortal wounds?
Um...
No, they weren't mortal wounds, they were just regular wounds.
I think a refractor field just adds to your
defense, am I mistaken?
It does not. It has the, it has the
power field trait.
Uh, which gives you
a, uh, an
extra bonus-y bonus.
Oh, does it add on to my existing power field?
Allows you to roll Determination against
attacks that deal mortal wounds. This is
not mortal wounds, though. These are two straight wounds. So, you
can just... Oh, okay. Yeah, you can still
soak them as normal, basically.
But, um,
I'm assuming it doesn't matter, and, uh,
Beaky here beaks you. Oh, wait,
yeah, we... I'm...
It's been so long since Zedek has been in mortal
peril. Totally not, like, two sessions ago, but...
Yeah.
So, uh, so Zedek is, Zedek
is hurt, hurt a bit.
He's got the, he's getting hit with the bone hurty juice.
Okay, so you are, you
suffer a memorable injury,
so roll me a d6, Zedek.
...
I actually don't think I'm down, thankfully. I just
fucked up, uh, Resilience. Oh, okay. How many wounds
do you have left? I think I have a lot, actually.
I said I took three wounds?
Uh, two, two wounds from
the, the attack, which, which bypasses
armor and everything else. Like, they're like
mortal, but you can still Determination them.
And then you took a 13 plus, uh,
a 13 with AP minus one on
the first attack. Okay.
So, how much do you, how much are you at
at this point? I think I'm at
three wounds, because my Shock
would have taken a lot of that.
I have ten Resilience right now, because
of, uh, sidestep.
Oh, yeah, okay, okay, cool. So, then,
yeah, the, then you would
just take that and the crit effect, and you are not on fire,
but you are still engaged with big, big Smiley.
Okay, perfect. Um,
that's it for them. The Kroot,
the Turalyans have all gone.
Kroot have all
gone. Um, top of
the round, uh, it goes
back to, uh, to Blue Team.
I have a debate. I could have let the Kroot
Ox go again, but I won't. Uh, yes,
Lorne. If I am, if I am going
here, I have a, I have a debate.
I have a strong debate.
I can either just race forward,
and Molten Beam
the fuck out of fuckin' Pyre
Brain and everybody in there, and
and just, and Molten Furious
Fire,
deal a lot of damage,
or, I'm gonna
go over the original plan,
and fly through that goddamn
tunnel. I know I'm
in range of Zedek, but I'm not worried about Zedek.
I'm not saying shoot him, I'm saying save
him. Yeah.
It's, uh,
I'm, I'm going to go
the Pathway of Friendship.
Now, here's a question for Thurston,
because we have to figure out, uh,
what's this. Do I
have the chip?
Um, I mean,
I would assume the team's talked it over,
as to who would have the chip, so.
It would probably be me being
down here and not up there.
Okay, so can I
do a thing to where
I can, if I need to narratively
declare it, I'll definitely do that, to basically just
swoop in, grab it from him, because I assume
I'm yelling at him, going like,
Reb, show the chip! And I'm like, just
superman-ing, just going through,
just snag it,
and just keep going.
I like that, like, Reb has been hit by
a miniature sun, and
an arc of electricity. I can't help him!
And you're like, Reb, throw it to me!
No, not throw it, hold it up!
I can't help him,
and he's the only one who can help himself!
Yeah, mark the narrative
declaration, I will allow
this.
Alright, so basically, I actually
have to, I apologize, I
probably should have looked this up beforehand.
What do you want to do? I just gotta
figure out how fast I can go.
I'm legitimately just saying,
hold off on the plan to actually score
points right now and save Zedek, because we can't stop
the Gnarlok. I mean, what I was gonna
do is just tell the Gnarlok to stop,
I guess, but... It's not a
Kroot, it's an animal.
I mean, it is a Kroot, but it's also
mostly an animal. It's not on your
side, I don't think. They're built different.
They're built different.
Dinosaur. It's
a dinosaur.
Alright, what are you doing, Loren? Your choice,
what are you doing? I'm going down
there anyway, I have to figure out how fast I can go.
That's actually really important, and for some
reason, me going through the goddamn book
is taking five million years.
And I'm holding up the game, and I'm
delaying everything, because I'm just a terrible human
being as I'm going, where is it?
Uh, okay, so...
Found it, Jesus.
Okay, it's that, I couldn't boost it, I just
go basically...
Okay, I'm
just going normal.
Now what the hell's my movement speed?
Damn it, I'm an idiot.
You're fine, you're fine.
I'm mad at myself, because I should know
all this beforehand.
There's no need to be too worried about it.
I barely know my movement speed, and I fucking charge everywhere.
So you're human, your movement speed is six.
Thank you. So it's like one, like
six, yeah, okay.
But you can also, like, do, like, double moves
or super fast moves, so...
Yeah, so we're gonna swoop in, grab
grab Reap's thing,
But I assume you're not doing any other actions,
right? You're just moving. Yeah, I'm just gonna double.
I'm just gonna go all the way. Because you sustain for free,
and then you're just gonna fucking
go to town. I sustain all the crap that I'm doing,
and no matter what shock I take, I
regenerate it anyway, because I'm at full.
So, off I go.
Basically, I think I can get to, like,
here? I'm not over the bridge,
I'm under the bridge.
Yeah, so
you can triple your move in a straight
line if you want.
So, yeah. Under the bridge. Fly
under the bridge. Now, the important part.
Reap.
Roll me Ballistic Skill.
He's not throwing it. I told him to
hold it up. Oh, okay.
Yeah, you're gonna fly by him and grab it.
Yeah, fly by it, grab, and go.
Okay, yeah. Grab it.
Grab it.
And then you're under the bridge, seeing
Zedek being attacked by a giant dinosaur.
And that's all I can do.
Okay.
Perfecto. Um...
Red team.
Red team. Who would like to go? I think
Zedek should take the first napkin.
Yes.
I am the leader of this world. I always
take the first napkin.
Alright, you have a giant dinosaur in front
of you, Captain Zedek. What the fuck are you doing?
And a Gnarlok.
It's true.
Yeah. He's old, get it?
Lauren's that old.
Isn't Lauren, like,
secretly, like, seventeen?
Everybody has
made that assumption and has been
forcing that onto me. I actually made him
to be a legitimate old man.
Yeah, I figured he was. I just was
like, wondering. I've heard that before, is that true?
Yeah, cause ever, ever, like, no one
has bothered to ask me, like,
everyone else has just made that shit up.
Lauren's actually, like, a super old... No, no, no, I'm just saying
for, like, for chat and stuff. I was like,
well, Lauren's twenty, and I'm like, you don't know that.
You just made that up.
Well, I didn't.
That's fanon...
Fanon, not canon.
Oh, for the love of God, do something.
Yeah, I'm done.
What are you doing?
Cat and Zedek's gonna use his
power sword and attack the Gnarloc.
Alright.
Here it comes.
Are you fucking kidding me?
That's pretty good. But what's its
defense?
Zedek rolled a four for audio people.
Yeah, that was a four. Yeah, um,
its defense is five.
Okay, uh, can I
use it? It's not against us, so
you can use the glory if you need it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
Nice. There we go.
Hee hee hee hee.
Okay. You might wanna wrap that.
I guess I'm gonna wrap it. You wanna wrap that because you rolled a two and a three?
Roll one more d6 there.
Oh, okay.
Now you roll the other two.
Now you roll the other two.
Here we go. Yeah, roll the other two, so we're at
five. Nice.
So that's seven. And nothing you can shift
because you didn't roll a single six in that.
Yeah, I know. You hit though. You can roll
damage. Yeah. Here we go.
Here's the damage. It's coming. Woo!
It's coming. It's coming.
He coming.
Boy, is it damage.
Boy, is it damage. Ten damage
and AP minus three.
Um,
do you
match its
resilience?
So... With the AP minus three?
Yes. It has
resilience 13. Damn.
Well! It takes a point of shock.
And stares down at you.
About that...
This ain't looking good
here, uh...
You might wanna ask
Loren for help. Hey, uh...
Help!
Loren!
I'm not gonna shoot you!
Blue team, Reeb, would you
like to go, or would you
want one of the, uh, the
crew to go? I would love to go
first here. Absolutely.
Please do. I'm going to move
and make two actions.
Oh yeah, absolutely. Remember that Loren's under the
bridge, so... I know. I'm just moving up there
because that'll put me in a decent range,
I think. Absolutely.
How far can you move? Oh yeah, that's right.
I need to check. That is six.
So I need to move only six.
Eight, four, five,
six. So here?
Mm-hmm.
Pink?
Yep.
My multi-action
is to
medicate myself again.
Absolutely. And then
flamer. Oh, okay.
You... Oh my god, am I in range?
You are. My flamer has range 20.
Yes. Holy shit. Holy shit.
That flamer has higher range
than that art missile, oh my god. You're gonna hit
all the crew and everything.
Not the crew, just, just
those four.
Oh, I see.
Flames are a
human arc, so...
So with a flamethrower, the way
it works in this game
is it's a straight line towards
the target, and
then for shifting, you can basically
widen it. Well,
then that's no good for me, so I guess I'll just heal myself.
Okay.
The goal is to get information, it is not to
kick Pi's ass, it is literally
we need both of you to live to get information.
I mean, I can only
imagine how terrible it is
to have a companion attack
you on a bridge.
That's it.
Keep it up, mister. Keep it up.
I mean, I just, I can't, I can't imagine
what you're going through right now.
Speaker, keep it up. I'll remember this
when you need my healing later.
It all comes back to Shadyrock.
The campaign. It all comes back
to Shadyrock. Ah, that's no good.
I'm gonna re-roll that, that was a two.
Okay, wrap it up.
Wrap for a seven. You don't want to get too bad.
No, not great,
but something. Yep.
As you patch yourself up.
I should have just sprinted.
Red team,
Pi, would you like to go
or would you like the Turalyans to go?
Um,
I really probably
should go.
I just, I don't know.
I feel like if I play,
I feel like
I am in the unfortunate
position. See, Chat,
I'm the victim in all of this.
Oh, bullshit. You do not say a
fucking word. You will not
win this court case while I run it.
Nuh-uh.
I have, I
have done nothing wrong. You pulled
that fucking trigger. No.
I didn't know it would
do that. I didn't know it would fucking kill
me. It's on your sheet.
Wait, okay, but it doesn't
say the damn thing. How do you know?
You have a book. Hold on.
Yeah.
And you decided to go full frontal assault.
I'm no big
city lawyer. My brain, what the
fuck are you doing?
By the way, I wanna
address this real quick before
we go forward. Chat, please
like, take everything a little
bit lighter, please. This is not a football
game. Yeah, no. Understand,
we're, we're fucking
with each other. If you're actually
getting fucking annoyed about this and being a
dick about it, get out. Like, stop.
Just, just stop, guys.
Just don't, we're having
fun. I, I don't
mind that he's laughing. Vent our, vent our frustrations.
I, I, I do feel pretty
bad about that, and so I'm thinking, like,
well, I don't really wanna shoot him, and also
he'll just get back up, so. Oh, this, let me guess
that now you're like, well, this time I just won't
supercharge it and just full on
just melee
him with my omniscient axe.
Reeb, everything I
do would instantly kill you.
I don't wanna know why.
It's cause I do a lot of damage.
And yeah, do less damage, you
OP piece of shit. I, I
literally have one setting
of curse.
You're right, I'm power gaming.
Oh, man.
Reset the game.
Alright, alright.
What's your move?
That's the thing, it's so, I don't have the cap, so
I'm basically on pure defense.
Um, this guy keeps giving me weird looks, but I kinda
don't wanna kill him. Um,
I could kill Reeb, cause Reeb is gonna start
wiping these guys, so.
You could kill me. Yeah.
What I could potentially do,
is, um,
I
know what I can do.
I'm going to get behind the wall.
And,
I'm going to make
a tech
interaction. Now, I've worked on this man's
laser eye before.
Right?
Right. You did. So,
can I, uh, uh,
get up in here, and then
modify his targeting?
That's stupid. I should probably just charge and kill
something. Um,
yeah, uh,
well, hey, Zedek needs help.
I hear him saying help. Uh,
I'm not gonna leave
my troop to die, though.
That would be bad. Yeah, that's the thing.
It's like, here's, here's
my, here's my struggle.
If Hai leaves these guys to die,
it's gonna remind him
of how his old squad
died. But if he, but in order
to save them, he needs to kill his new squad.
And he likes
his new squad. And so,
I think the only solution is to jump
and attack the chicken.
So, I'm gonna do that.
Let's go! Do it up!
Do it up! I'm gonna charge.
And, uh, I'm going to be
cleansing out with my power
sword, moving past everything.
And I will,
uh, make an attack.
Um. Where the hell
did he go?
Where did he go?
What do you mean? I ran from
here to here. Yeah, you're
not there. Hi.
There you are. Thurston,
put him on the top layer, please.
I activated my InvisiWatch, guys.
Come on.
Please put this token on the top layer.
You will, you will hit, you can
shift one.
I'm gonna reroll to get more shifts.
Okay.
That worked out. Or not.
Oh my god.
Alrighty then.
Funny eight, and
three, three, three, three,
three, two, two. Oh,
that's depressing. Um.
What the fuck? Oh my gosh.
Wait, what happened to your eviscerator?
I have it. I probably should
have used it, but I didn't click on it.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Um.
I mean, the eviscerator
would have actually been slightly worse. Oh.
Now you wanna use the light
weapon. No, no.
My power story hits harder than
my eviscerator, Reeve.
Would you like me to demonstrate?
I'm kidding. You have a whole chicken to use.
Alright. I know. I'm trying to see
do I have, do we have any glory that I can
convert into at least a single thing of extra damage?
I have like two. Yeah.
I'll, uh,
I'll spend some glory. Why not?
Um, so from, uh,
mind you, that's just extra rolls, not, not
extra auto successes, yes? It's extra damage.
It's just extra damage. Okay. Two, two
glory to get two extra damage. Cool.
Uh,
so 15, that's minus
three. Okay. It takes some damage.
Yeah. It takes
like three.
I, it's, it's a little
bit more, but yeah, basically.
Just a little bit. A little bit.
We do a little trolling.
Look at you.
Alright.
Uh, so that's that. I guess
a blue team gets to go.
Uh, the Kroot are going
to, uh. I seize the initiative
from my team. Uh, you've already gone,
sir.
Um, the Kroot
begin to attack their, their dog,
their dog soldier opponents.
Uh, starting with, I,
I'm just doing both the mobs together, cause it's easier.
Uh, so,
they will get three bonus dice, and
uh, they will hit.
The top one will hit, definitely, and can
shift twice, which is nice.
Cool. Plus, actually
that, whoa, that's gonna be a lot.
Uh, nice. Okay, they pop
dog soldier there. And then
I, do I have any complications left? I think I've got
through them all right. I think you
did, yeah. If I miss any, I'll try to remind you.
I'm double checking, but I think you're good.
Okay.
Uh, so the, the,
the top squad pops off one of the trolling
dog soldiers, and the bottom squad tinks into
their armor, and that's their go.
Um,
the, the Pasha has
run out of ammo. They, they're good. Uh, the
trollians are going to, like, rush up into melee
here.
Uh, it's very,
it's very cinematic. Dog soldiers
attacking. It's, it's, it's, it's
madness. They're, they're wielding industrial
bludgeons. They're, like,
look at that. They're just kicking ass and taking names.
Run to Groot Keep! Yeah. Uh,
the other one's, like, running up, and they actually
they've missed, so that doesn't even matter. But these guys,
like, bludgeon another Groot to death
with their, like, big, big bludgeon-y
things. Uh, the, the
Groot Shaper comes up, and
is coming in with claws
aplenty. Takes a claw attack.
Ooh, wow. That'll, that'll do pretty
good. Uh, makes
an attack. Ooh, kills another dog soldier
up here. Uh,
the Pasha's now running through the facility
because he's, uh, ammo, his gun's
out of ammo. The Gnarlax
already, uh, tch,
hey, no, did the Gnarlax attack this round? I don't
think. It did not. So, no, it
is not. Uh, so it's, uh,
it's, it's definitely gonna attack
the thing that just hurt it. Hello,
hello, pie brain.
Um, as it, like, re-
As it rear
back and attacks you and hits you with a
six and a crit?
Um...
Yes, it will. Okay.
Um... Wait, my
defense is
six. Yeah, so that'll hit.
Okay. Uh, so it'll hit you for 13
damage, AP minus one.
Alrighty then. And then we'll
get a 64 on the
crit.
I think
crit has crit the two times it's elected
to attack. It's, it's a well-trained
funny doggy.
Funny dog boy.
Um, so 64,
uh, is appalling
detonation.
Ill fortune causes the blow to
strike the foe's volatile
war gear.
A chain of explosions
occurs.
This is hopefully gonna get all four
of us.
Uh, you'll take 1d6 mortal wounds.
So you'll take three mortal wounds. I'm down.
Um...
Do you carry any explo-
Well, you have ammo or grenades?
Uh, I have, uh, um,
plasma gun. Okay.
But you have ammo for it, so... Yes.
Uh, that explodes. Oh!
Cool.
Um...
And deals an additional three mortal wounds.
Or two mortal wounds, I should say.
I'm already down, so...
Okay. So you, like, get knocked down
from the first blow. It then causes, like,
it's biting into you with its, like,
searing jaw, cause I don't know if it was on
fire before. It bites into the side
of you and you hear some of your plasma
gun ammo go
and it pops at your side.
Uh, you suddenly take just
a tremendous amount of damage
from that. Uh, roll me a
d6, please?
What do we get here?
Four? Uh, okay.
And then roll me another d6.
Oop.
Four.
Uh, in the explosion,
your right leg
is severely
damaged and bent.
Um...
Basically, it's caused, like,
severe trauma to your right leg.
As you are kind of in
the water, you're still conscious,
but, like, this thing has mangled it with
the explosion that detonates over you.
Gonna just
charge Grieb.
It's true.
Alright.
Alright, that is, uh, that is
its go
top of the next round.
Hey, Lorne.
You wanna save them now?
I mean...
Or are you just gonna fly in and score the points?
Well, the real
question is, I would have to know if I
score, everybody just stops or not.
You don't?
I don't think the wild animal
is going to listen to...
I mean, I assume it's trained.
Can you
please just save them?
We're going to
probably be okay with this.
As long... But we can't do
very much else if both of them are dead.
Please save them.
Because I'm not gonna jump in the water to
medicate them.
I love that the TPK
comes from a giant chicken.
I'm so happy. Lorne,
what are you doing? Fine! I'll help
them. Oh, I would have gotten a chance
to counterattack. Ah, but yeah, but then I would be
stuck there. Ah, but I'm unconscious, so I'm stuck there anyway.
So...
Martin Beam!
Please!
I should have said it will
beat its defense. Yes.
Actually. It's really,
it's really incredible. 19.
The rolls against the big
chicken have been really low.
They have been. This is a weird
chicken. Evil. It's a
power chicken. I more beam the shit
out of it.
Okay, uh...
For 19 straight damage.
Beam. Yeah, that
gives it a solid impact. It is
still standing.
Can I do, like, another Molten Beam?
Like a plus two or whatever?
Uh, you can't do the same power,
but you could do another one.
You could, like, crush it. Yeah, I'll do a crush
at it. Let me have the
Wrath die. Uh, actually...
That's actually
a thing we never really... Let's just say just
one attack, because that gets... Yeah, because
then you get the penalty, right?
Because you have to declare them at the beginning of
your turn. Because if you don't declare everything
you're doing, then it's the... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, one sec. Yeah, we'll just skip that.
And, uh... Yeah, okay.
I guess it'll stay hovering. Oh, and it
set on fire, except it's in water,
so... I mean, the top of it could
still be on fire. Uh,
then I would've applied that logic to Zedek,
and, uh, that would not be good, so I'm
standing by my rule. I mean, you can just,
you know, just throw us a bone.
Friendship.
You gotta make it... If you keep it up, he's gonna burn
a ruin to keep it alive. So you
Yeah, yeah. You've spent the...
You've spent the Molten Beam point. What are you
doing now, Lorne? Are you gonna stay there,
or are you just gonna fly and keep scoring?
Like, I'm helped! Bye!
I mean, what I'm gonna do
is fly into the tunnel, but
still have eyesight on the...
Absolutely.
Okay, so you, like, fly into the tunnel.
Yeah, yeah, just... As long as I still have line
of sight and range of that thing,
then I'm good. Zedek,
get an attack of opportunity.
Zedek...
Which should be the funniest...
I'm not even near him!
I know!
He's flying away, and I'm like,
that's the funniest thing that
could happen. No!
His friendship prevails,
and then Zedek gets target of opportunity,
and then Reeve... He just flies off his
leg. Yeah, and then Reeve leans down
and sets both of us on fire.
That would be the funniest thing.
More times, everyone, you'll all be glad to know
that we're starting a fantasy campaign.
His plan is to kill the show!
I, you know, and the word
sacrificed, you know what?
I'm just not going to say anything.
There's no way anyone will ever accept
my sacrifice to the blood chicken.
Sorry.
I jumped into this blood chicken
as a sacrifice, because I didn't want to make
people mad.
You're right.
Get good!
For audio people, we put up an image
on the map that says,
a vote to kick player Pybrain,
like the TF2 thing.
So people in audio can understand why we're laughing.
I got a point of corruption!
I got my more max
for the world! And for mic spam.
I had it, I had it
literally on the lair, but then it like
create you and took you down, and I'm like,
it would be mean to post this now.
Very good, very good.
Alright, it was,
and it still would mean to post it when I did.
Red Team, Yergo, who would like to go?
I guess it's Mason, he's...
Py is unconscious!
You gonna attack the chicken?
Oh yeah, I'm gonna attack the chicken to keep us alive!
Technically, I could do a counter attack, but I forgot.
Do it up!
But then you wouldn't be moving.
I'm already asleep in water.
Will you be?
Here we go, let's try the power
sword again, oh boy!
Oh my god,
Captain Zedek.
I am abandoned
today!
I'm with the blood chicken!
I don't know!
I can't do anything!
You have
one wrath point left.
It's all I can do! It's all I can do!
Wrath it! Wrath it!
Two!
Jeez!
Why?
Blood chicken, you bastard!
Why?
Chickie!
Chickie Panther!
He's in bombardment, it's a reaction.
Yes!
No!
Okay, uh...
If I can't play, none of you can.
I'm going...
Reeb is going to very
light, he's hearing the gnashing and the
violence down below, and he
gently strides up to the edge of the
parapet.
Do you feel like the floating, like, upside
down pipe rain with the
mangled leg?
Oh, for goodness
sakes!
Reeb is going to dive
off the edge.
Wow!
I'm going to perform three actions.
Okay.
My hero.
Splash, I guess.
Sploosh, yep.
Two medikey. One on
zedek and one on pie.
Okay.
No penalties, unnatural.
It's true.
Oh, nine on pie.
Holy sheebie-jeebies!
That's five to
zedek and four
to pie. Thank you.
Thank you, based Reeb.
Can I do something
to dissuade the chicken from attacking
them? Can I roll a...
Uh...
Something?
Can I roll
a persuasion?
Whatever skill you want to try to
bullshit into this, I am open to. What skill
do you want?
Can I do a medikey to
strike a pressure point and put it to
sleep?
Yes!
Yes! I want you to be on full
like Venutian Akito Doctor
Who in this shit. Do it.
This is the best I've got.
That's going to be a minus four because
of the other two actions.
Okay.
Oh my god.
Three's not going to do it.
You have a wrath point. I do have a wrath.
I'm going to wrath it. Okay.
Wrath it to a ten, which will be a
six.
Which is just enough
to hit its
defense. And I will say that
you're doing shock damage to it.
Um, so like
it had already taken shock from previous hits
on it. Um, so like
you do this like, yeah,
this pressure point. And it doesn't like
debilitate it or stop it.
But like, it just stares you in the eye.
...
Gives you one big chicken nod.
And clearly
is turning away content with its
action. You know that move you make when like a
cat is near you and it's like, go, go away. And you like
put your hands up to your face and just like shooing
the cat away with your hands like, shoo!
Go!
Um, and
and at this point
as the Gnarlok's going away and you have
like medic'd up your two friends
um
Lorne is unopposed in his tunnel
run.
Um, so, so
Lorne, I assume at this point you are
now Superman
flying your way through the facility?
I'm going straight to the
thing to put the chip in.
...
And um,
because, because the Gnarlok
had done so well,
um, going
to, I'm going to say that Blue
Team, Blue
Team scores.
Woo! Blue Team!
Friendship team!
Loyalty!
It's best of three.
I put it in.
I put the, I put the
put it in. I take out the chip.
I put the chip back in.
You're cheating this system.
I bet none of you ever
thought of this, did you?
And
like as soon as there is like
um, an old lady voice
that says Blue Team scored
um, all of the Crute and Trebella
inns like, put down their weapons
and start shaking each other's hands, and the Trebella
very good Trebella, you killed quite a
few of us!
And like the Crute are like
we can eat them, right?
And then the Trebella's like, yes, we don't care
go ahead, it's a buffet! And then the Crute
are like
Unbelievable.
Utterly unbelievable. I need to talk with both of
these fucking idiots afterwards, thank god we didn't
kill any of them. I peek my head over
and see this
superior culture.
It's gonna work.
Can we have like a, can I make a
request? Yes.
I can't nearly declare it. Can we all have
like that baseball, like, good game
kind of thing going on? Oh, that's exactly
what's happening. Good game, good game,
good game, but he's just half-hearted
and you just, there's that one guy
who does it really hard for no reason
because he's all mad.
Oh yeah, and like, and like as
um, as Highbrain, you get up and start
getting, like looking to get out of the water
across in the opposite tunnel from your
fort is the Gnarlocke staring out
of the pipe and it just like, blood
streaking down from where you hit it with the
power sword, and it gives you like again
just the, the nod of respect
before it turns and
sprudges back into the darkness of its
home.
Hmm. Hmm.
I, this gives me hope
that one day too
mankind can be
free of the curse of Salty
Johns.
Where's Lord I gotta beat him up?
And I think that's
where we're going to call it for
today's episode.
Yay!
Oh, good job.
Remember everybody, it's all joking and everything else
don't take it seriously, please.
Like, come on.
We are all beloved friends. Chicken.
Yeah, it's all for laughs, it's all
for ha-ha's, please, you know.
I don't wanna see a bunch of YouTube comments.
Yeah, like, YouTube comments, please don't be like,
Lady Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!
I don't wanna be a single of it. It's like, I'm gonna be so
disappointed. But yeah, but no, thank you all so much
for tuning in. Remember, don't go anywhere yet.
Next, next week, uh,
this is gonna be in the video and stuff, so
it's gonna be like in the future if this gets older
and older, but uh, remember to visit
at warhams.tv and look at
the schedule because as this
episode is now finished on
the livestream, next week
or next weekend that's coming up, May 22nd,
is the first episode of Warhams Fantasy.
So please mark that on your calendar, please
tell your friends. We'll be making announcements and stuff.
as we go, but just get
everyone to remember. Go warhams.tv,
check on the schedule, you'll see
all of our stuff there and
when Warhams Fantasy is going, which is May 22nd,
at 3pm CST,
same as we do with Warhams
40k. So like, nearly every single
weekend, you're gonna get some Warhams now, so
every Saturday,
we're gonna see you there. So love you guys
so much, thank you so much, Speaker D, playing
Piebrained or
Skitarii Ranger.
Yes! The first time I
ever got to use my
gun! I am a Skitarii Ranger!
And we'll never forget it!
We'll never forget it!
Unforgettable. You're right.
I am unforgettable. You can find me
on Twitter, I almost said
at Twitter, Jesus. Yeah, I run the whole show.
You can find me on Twitter, at SuperSnakeKick!
You can find me on YouTube, at Speaker D.
And if a lot of people
love each other, the world would be a
better place to live.
And thank you, Arendelle, for being
the soul, the man
the myth, the legend, of playing
Reeve Van Horn, the inquisitorial
agonist.
Got it. And yeah, you can
meet me on Twitter, at
at Arendelle, and basically nowhere else. I would like to
ask, before we proceed further,
do all of you know how to ping
on Roll20?
Yes. You just hold down the left
click button? I ask, can we please ping
the chicken repeatedly? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is them after
the fight, petting the chicken.
Ping the chicken.
Chicken. Chicken.
It's like Snorlax. It's just
comforting to pets. It's reverberating.
We need to adopt this chicken.
I really like it. I'm attached to it.
You got a crude already.
You got one already. You got one at home.
We gotta force feed him
crude at home.
This is where we feel like the end of the
season, when you're gonna have that moment of like
getting fucking eviscerated, and like all
hope is lost, and then this thing will burst through a
wall and just return the nod
of respect. That's right. This is the
this is a worthy foe, this blood
chicken. Ping chicken.
Well, that's the end. I've been
Sorry, I'm just trying to
end the stream now. It's
I've been playing Loren, the Psyker, and
we've also been having Mr. Captain Zedek
or Zedethic, our resident
rogue trader, captain of the Dead Collector
played by HulkyCrow.
Yep, that's me. You can meet me
on Twitter, at HulkyCrow.
I sometimes hang out in Zoran's
Discord channel, since I'm his community manager
now. There's gonna be
fun stuff coming up, if I'm not mistaken.
He's got a fun event happening
tomorrow. Yeah.
Yeah, if you wanna come out and chat and just
hang out, we're probably gonna be doing some games,
art nights coming up, the whole
shebang. Stop on by.
We'd also like to thank
Mr. Thurston Hillman here, our game master,
for tolerating our
random PvP event, which was not planned
in any way, shape, or form, but he made it happen, so
thank you. It wasn't, but it was fucking
great, and I'm gonna like de-stress
from this by like going
down to my hobby room, and
continuing to work on my Sons of Horus
army as my hand shakes
uncontrollably from whatever this was.
No, this was amazing, and
super fun episode.
Hope you all stay tuned,
like Zoran said, for Fantasy. I've
been putting a lot of elbow grease into
getting that ready, and I think it's gonna be
quite a different style
of ride, but a ride you're all
gonna love. And
yeah, we'll see you for the next 40k episode,
because that's
also gonna be a bit of a
departure into maybe
the beginning of a new arc!
So with that, thank you all so much
for being here. Thank you all so much
for kicking ass. You guys have been amazing for
supporting War Amps, the show, and everything, and hopefully
with this other campaign, that you also like
that one too, and you continue to support us
and enjoy all the things that we do.
So say goodbye, everybody,
as we finally leave,
as we all say farewell.
Let's make chicken noises as we leave.
Ma'khaaaak!
Baaah!
Baaah!