Hello and welcome to Pickleball Therapy, the podcast dedicated to
your pickleball improvement.
I am the host of your weekly podcast, Tony Roig.
It's a pleasure to be with you.
Hope you're having a great week.
This week, it's going to be a fun episode because we're going to
go exploring together.
You and me and the other listeners of the podcast are going to go on a journey where
we're going to explore this idea that I'm working on called empathetic framing.
Maybe it already exists out there. I don't know.
I don't know everything. All I know is what I know.
But it's a concept grounded in framing, as the name suggests.
Where we're going to look at using framing to better or
perhaps to more constructively or healthily deal with adversity
on the pickleball court.
And then this is one of these concepts that's awesome because you get
to use it anywhere in the world.
Where you're facing adversity in terms of interpersonal relations with
another pickleball player, a situation.
Or actually, it's about interpersonal relations.
So it's you and another pickleball player, whether it's your partner,
another person at the courts.
And then this concept applies outside of that.
Before we dive into it, a couple of housekeeping items.
One, I have been remiss to update you on where we're at in terms of some of the
other projects that we have at Better Pickleball, as you may or may not know,
Pickleball Therapy is part of a much bigger project called Better Pickleball,
which is a project that is headed by C. J.
Johnson and myself, but also includes a lot of team members.
I don't want to list them on here because they're too many.
But they know who they are, and they're helping us a lot in terms of being able to
bring quality pickleball content to as many players who are interested
in learning this type of content.
But a couple of the initiatives that we have that are going on right now that you
might be interested in are, one, we have been doing some work with the PPA and MLP.
Those are two of the most significant pro tours, if you will.
They have the highest ranked players in their tour.
So we've been doing some game breakdown, some analysis, and things like that on our
channels, which I think is a really interesting way of looking at
a pickleball differently.
So it's watching pros, which is awesome, but it's also learning from them.
And there's a lot that we can learn from the pros, regardless of level.
Whether you just started playing six months ago, you've been playing for a
while, in your three, five, four, oh, three, oh, it doesn't matter.
There's a lot of principles that we can learn from watching the pros,
so we're excited about that.
And then the other project, the MLP project, is more of a follow them along
for the season, see what's going on.
It's a little bit different content for us, but we're excited to be able to
do that and be able to magnify the play.
At the end of the day, it's all about strengthening our sport for everybody, for
you, for me, for new players coming in.
If you play pickleball, and certainly listen to this podcast,
you know the impact that pickleball can have on a player and on their life
and on the quality of their life.
And so part of our mission here at Better Pickable is to strengthen the sport.
And that includes what we do on this podcast, what we do in
our teaching and coaching of students, But also what we do in general as
representatives of the sport, and that includes strengthening
parts of the sport that are helpful to get the sport out there to other players.
And that's part of what we're doing.
And then the other piece of housekeeping that I want to share with you is,
one of the One of the things that I've been doing for many years now, since at
least 2019, is our game breakdowns, where basically we look at a match
and we study the match.
In this case, we're studying, I mentioned the pro breakdowns a minute ago, but in
this In this case, we're studying a 4.
0 tournament match.
It's a really interesting match because it has opposite philosophies
or strategies, I should say.
So two of the players are more like tennis style, stroking, ground strokes,
attacking, and things like that.
And then the other team is more what you would consider
like traditional pickleball.
So third shot drop, dink, grind it out until you get a pop up and put it away.
And so it's a really interesting match to break down and to look at the different
styles, to look at some of the ideas in terms of what is it that works and what
doesn't work, and how do you get out of tough situations.
Anyway, so a part of that process is we call it now the strategy Lab.
We used to call them game breakdowns or rally breakdowns.
Now it's the strategy lab, which I think communicates it better.
And we have a strategy lab coming up, I believe it's on a Tuesday.
It's at the end of April.
But if you want to check that out, I'll put a link in the show notes.
You can check that out.
There is a cost for the strategy lab because there are costs associated with
bringing you the content that we bring you.
But anyway, you're welcome to join us and check that out.
If you've never been to one before, I think you'll find it really interesting.
All right, let's dive into this idea of the empathetic framing.
What is it that we're talking about here?
So think about a situation at the courts.
Let's use pickle ball as our canvas today to explore this.
So you're at the courts, and let's assume you're in an open player
rec situation and you're playing You're playing with a partner you haven't played
with before, you know very little of.
And that partner is just turns away.
It appears that they drop their shoulders when you miss a shot.
It just seems like they're miffed when they're playing with you.
And so it's pretty natural for us to react negatively to that feedback.
It's rude.
It's not something It's not something that we think is appropriate.
And I'm going to share a personal story in a minute.
So explore that one for a second.
So this partner situation.
The other situation, and I'll share it after I set it up,
it's just where you're at the courts and you have an experience with another
person at the courts, that's just not an agreeable exchange.
And I'll share the story with you.
So let's give it some more form.
So I'm playing a preparatory match, right?
So it's basically getting ready for upcoming competition.
And it's me and my mixed doubles partner against another mixed doubles team.
And so we got there early to the courts. These are public courts.
We got the early to the courts.
I think the one other court was being used, there were six courts total.
So we get on the court, we're playing, everything's fine.
And then we're in our second game and the courts start filling up, which is fine.
And we're in the middle.
I think the score at that point was 6-6 or 6-5.
And then a gentleman comes over and lets us know that
we need to give up the court when we're done, or two in and two out.
That's the rules of the place.
And there was a little bit...
One of the players on the court didn't respond favorably to that, but I jumped in
immediately and I said, I told the gentleman, I said,
Okay, let us finish this match, and then I'll come over and I'll talk to you.
Okay, let me just finish the game because We're in the middle of a game, right?
When he comes over.
So wouldn't you know it, this is one of those games that just goes on.
And we're all pretty good players on the court, and so these games can get bogged
down because of the return side play is good, so you can't score points.
So we end up at 10: 10, and then it's just taking a while.
It's a grind, 8: 8, 8: 8 for a long time.
Then finally it's 10: 10.
And at 10: 10, the same gentleman comes over.
Now he has a posse, so now It's him. It's another gentleman.
And I believe there was a lady, I'm not 100 % sure, but there was
three of them that came over.
Anyway, so he comes over and he says something to us.
And I said, I told you I'm going to come over when the game is over.
That's what I said.
And he takes a step forward and he says...
He's already pretty close to me.
He takes a step forward and he says something like, Oh, what are you
guys playing Forever or something.
And so I look at him and I say, Why are you taking a step toward me?
Why are you being aggressive? Or something like that.
And then the other gentleman who turned out to be a true gentleman.
And I'm not going to say this person, this gentleman wasn't the first one.
And I'll explain that in a second with the empathetic framing.
But the other gentleman, whose name was Mike, super nice guy.
He looked at me, he goes, okay, listen, that's great.
Just please come. I said, yeah, absolutely.
I'll come over and I'll find you.
And then we finished the match.
But by now, the four of us were put off a little bit, right?
We're thinking about this stuff and the play deteriorates for the
next couple of rallies.
Anyway, we solved the thing with the court, right?
But what I wanted to talk about is how do we deal with the first gentleman, the one
who was clearly perturbed and clearly thought it was his role in the universe to
police the courts and to ensure that whatever was happening.
And And also the challenge when another human being, just like him, told him that
we hadn't yet finished the game, which we hadn't.
Anyway, so how do we deal with that?
How do we deal with situations where you have a partner that maybe is acting a
certain way or another person that's behaving a certain way?
And I started thinking about this idea of using framing to think through that, and
to maybe come up with a way of dealing with it that is more constructive and
healthier for everybody, including us.
So in my In your place, including me, and in your case, including you.
I try to live by this idea that as long as I don't interfere with your rights
or your ability to make your way through life, then I get to do what I want to do.
And so do you.
You get to live your life the way you want to live it, as long as you
don't interfere with my thing.
That's my operating principle.
But it's important for you as an individual to
experience your life in as positive a way as possible, without these types of things
bringing you down or weighing you down in ways that don't really make
sense at the end of the day.
One way to deal with it was you could go Buddhist on it, right?
And you could be, and remember, I told you we're going to be working
through this, right?
So sometimes this is development in process.
Even the name of it came to me as I started making some notes about the idea.
So you could go totally Buddhist on it, right?
Which is like, this is the living the moment and
what just happened, just happened.
And you can't impact how I feel and things like that.
That's good stuff, right?
The idea that No matter what you say to me, they're just words until
I let them impact me, right?
That thinking, it's fantastic. It's great.
But it takes some time to get to that place.
And I'm not at that place.
So what about if we took a framing that was more empathetic toward
the other actor?
Because what we're doing in those situations when we have an adverse
interaction is we are reacting to something that another actor is doing.
So in my case, it's the gentleman coming to the court.
The first time, okay, we're new to the courts.
We don't know the rules, and fine, okay.
Second time, starts It starts off not great, but then
it gets worse when I tell him the situation and he just decides
to close ranks with me.
And I'm looking at him like, I guess we're throwing down or something.
I don't know what's happening here.
But the empathetic framing would be, I don't know his life.
I don't know this person. Never met him before.
And I have no idea.
Is it possible that he's going through a tough time?
Is it possible that he lost somebody close to him recently or
he's going through a separation or I don't know.
I have no way.
I don't have any idea of health issues.
I mean, there's a million things you can think of that
could be something that was swaying on this person
and that caused the person then to take a position on something that is,
from my perspective, not necessary, right?
And maybe even unreasonable, but that's from my perspective.
The empathetic framing is allowing this person to have their own
place, their own thing, right?
Their own way of doing it without judging the
rightness or the wrongness of it by being empathetic to
them and allowing it to be maybe just something that they're going through.
And so it got me to thinking about, I wonder if we could do that big picture.
You're playing in a match and someone's just being an a-hole.
I guess it's a podcast, I guess an asshole.
Someone's just being an asshole. They're just being wrong.
And remember, you still have the agency idea.
I don't know if you haven't listened to that podcast.
We did a podcast and wrote a blog about it.
You can find it at the website at betterprickable.
Com.
But it talks about the idea that, I think it's called No Thank
You is the name of the blog.
But the idea there is someone's just going to be demeaning or rude or whatever.
You don't have to play with them. You do have that agency.
You can protect yourself. That's okay.
But if you do choose to play with them, or if you're trying to
figure out why is this person so whatever, could be a number of reasons.
And I will also say, some of those reasons can be cultural.
You could be playing with somebody from a different...
Even not just a foreigner who lives here, or someone who
is with a background from another country.
It can be somebody from the United States who New Yorkers are different than people
from North Carolina, different from Florida, different from Ohio,
different from California. I mean, think of different states.
They have different ways of being.
And so sometimes the way that there was a player I used to play
with named David from Brooklyn, I think he was.
I know he's from New York, I think he was Brooklyn or the Bronx, I can't remember.
He was a B, I think.
But he was like a handball player from there.
Wears like wife beaters.
A nice guy, good guy. I like the guy, right?
But he's New York.
He's got a little brash and a little...
If you had a shot, he doesn't think it's good.
He's like, That was really stupid or something.
But to me, it's okay.
But my point is in this framing, in this context, or the conversation is
understanding that David has a different background than I do.
He has a different way of expressing things.
And maybe it's not the way I would express it.
And maybe if I was the one expressing it that way, that have a
certain meaning to it.
But maybe it doesn't from him.
Or again, maybe he or she or whoever it is is having a bad day or a bad week.
And so if we can start from that premise, meaning you have a negative interaction or
interaction that your initial instinct is to go negative on.
And negative is not a judgment on you because it's normal.
They said something and you're like, that That didn't sound right to me.
That felt like it attacked me or felt like it made me feel bad or
whatever the negative is.
So that's your initial natural response to it.
Maybe you take a moment and you say, You know what?
Maybe I give them the benefit of the doubt, meaning
maybe it's just a bad day for them.
Again, maybe they fill in the blank, right?
Something happened to them that is occasioning them behave in
a way that perhaps is not...
It's not like their core personality to just be an asshole, right?
That's not the thing.
It's just a bad day.
And that empathetic framing then allows you to avoid the negativity for yourself.
Because whenever you have a negative reaction, remember, it's
not just an objective negative reaction and goes on a scoreboard or
something and it's not a big deal. It's like nothing.
Any time you have a negative reaction, it's on It's going to linger on you.
It's in your mind. It's in your heart.
It just weighs on you.
And so if you can approach it from an empathetic framing, it's good for them,
we'll call them the I'm trying to go the other way.
It's not an aggressor, but it's the...
Anyway, for the other person, for the person who's acting, behaving
not the way we want to.
So it's good for them because you're being empathetic and you're allowing it to be,
okay, maybe they're just having a bad day.
But it's also good for you because you can avoid taking it personal,
taking it like it's something about you.
Instead of being about you, just make it about them and leave it
at that because there's really no...
If you think it through right, there's no game plan here.
There's no action item. There's nothing to...
What are you going to do?
They said something rude or they behaved in a rude way.
And if you can let that go behind you and you don't have to go quite to the Buddhist
level of just, you can't hurt me unless I let you, a thing, which
is, again, fantastic.
You can use this empathetic framing, maybe, to give you an ability to get out
of that situation in your mind by allowing it to live where it needs to
live, which is with them and not with you.
So hopefully this idea of empathetic framing made some sense
as we work through it.
And like everything on the podcast, if you listen to the podcast for a long time, you
might know that this podcast began in 2020 as a personal
journey for me, as a personal development project for me.
And so some of this process is working through some of these
concepts as they develop.
And I assure you that I will be noodling over this concept over
the next period of time.
One more piece of housekeeping before we wrap today.
If you're a therapist, and my guess is if you're a therapist, you made it this far
in the podcast, if you started listening to it, be on the look for an email.
I'm going to do a little town hall for us, a little meeting for us
where we can all get together, share what's going on, see
what's going on with the podcast. I want to give you guys some updates.
And in total transparency, I'm going to ask you guys to see if you're interested
in a couple of upcoming projects that we have with the podcast and with the
book which will come out.
I actually had a conversation today with a book publishing representative.
So I think we're taking steps. We're moving forward.
All right. I hope you enjoyed this week's podcast.
As always, if you have a minute, Rating and Reviewing helps us
if you have a moment.
Also, one other thing is if you don't mind subscribing to the YouTube channel, if you
haven't done that, it's the same name, Pickable Therapy on YouTube.
We have over a thousand subscribers on there, and that's great.
But the more we can get traction on YouTube, then we'll be able to reach
players through that medium as well.
And as always, if you enjoyed this podcast and this idea of empathetic
framing, share it with your friends.
If you enjoyed or benefited from this podcast, I'm pretty confident they will
have a great week, and I'll see you on the next episode of Pickable Therapy, and
hopefully I'll see some of you all in the strategy.