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everybody I talk to

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nine out of 10 have that exact same experience

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and the one out of 10 is oh yeah

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I fell in love with my baby

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the instant he came out into the world

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and

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that's the abnormal thing

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and it's beautiful and it's wonderful

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and I'm thrilled for those people

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yes but the normal thing is what you and I experienced

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hi and welcome to the Raising Men podcast

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my name is Sean Dawson I'm here with Caleb Scott

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Caleb is the CEO of Better Dad Company

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and the host of the Better Dad Podcast

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he joins us from Springfield

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Missouri where he's the father of one son

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now Caleb

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I don't want to put words in your mouth but

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but I you have what is to me

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a particularly challenging journey in

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in fatherhood

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but one that I don't think is particularly uncommon

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and I think you and I share

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almost a passion for this sense

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that there is a cultural

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uh tension against being a good dad somehow

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and uh

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and that's

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I'm really excited to talk to you about this today

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thank you so much for coming on

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and I appreciate you taking the time today man

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I'm happy to be here uh

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you know kind of organically getting connected

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and um

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just having that first conversation about the desired

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heartbeat for fathers and

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and raising good men and you know

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knowing that it's not just here

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that it's geographically across the nation

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where people are excited about encouraging men

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especially in the in the space of being a father

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I just you know

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anytime we can continue this conversation it's

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it's a pleasure to be a part of

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you know what

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one of the things that happened to me and

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and it resonated with me in your story

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is that

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becoming a dad

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changed me in ways that I would never have anticipated

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prior to the point I mean

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literally as my wife and I were walking to the hospital

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as she was in labor

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I didn't understand how much different I would be

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12 hours later and

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and it it

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it it never I

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I thought a lot about it we planned a lot about it

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and it still

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it still was so completely different that I

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I didn't it was a shock to me

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and I'd love for you to share your story uh

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along the same lines

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I think we had a similar experience there

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yeah so um

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I I had plenty of friends who had gotten pregnant

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and had kids and

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you know just that

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just that camaraderie of being in the hospital

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in the waiting room you know

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sitting outside and waiting to hear that first cry and

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you know just

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just like the fun of being there together

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so when we um

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got pregnant

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we found out that we were in the middle of a

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a a global pandemic

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uh you know

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Covid was at its peak

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and so that meant a huge shift in hospital practices

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so

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we didn't get to have our core group of support there

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it was just her and I yeah

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and so it was just it wasn't bad

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it was just very different

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you know expectations had to shift

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and so we um

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we we go through the process of delivering him

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and as soon as they hand him to me the

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the doctor walks in and goes hey

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mom has Covid and so the whole room shut down

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you know and

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and now four or five years removed

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we know kind of what we know

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but right then you didn't know anything

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and so I became a dad 12 seconds ago

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and I just found out that my

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my son's mom is

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is potentially dealing with something very scary and

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and crazy

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and so the hospital staff said hey

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you have to leave you have to get a third party test

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to prove that you don't have Covid

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so you're actually allowed back in here

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so you know

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trying to trying to navigate the emotions of here he is

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oh my gosh is she okay

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I have to leave and and maybe not come back was just

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I'll never forget that Drive

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I just felt so numb

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I was just in this weird moment of just

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I hope I don't have it and so I get the test

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I don't have it I come back

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you know they're still figuring out hospital practices

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so we were put in this covid specific room and

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you know it just wasn't ideal

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and so after about two days of

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you know resting in what looked like a broom closet

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we were like you know what

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I think I think it's probably time for us to go home

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we can figure this out from here

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and so then going home 14 days um

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so my son actually ends up getting Covid as well

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and so you know we're

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we're in separate rooms

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she's having to breastfeed with a mask on

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like all the fun

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tender moments of parenthood that you're anticipating

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were were dramatically affected because of that

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and so for 14 days

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our families were just so anxious to come see him

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and meet him and we couldn't because of this

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this epidemic that had been affecting

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you know not just that moment but our entire lives

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the lives of everybody on the planet

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so it wasn't ideal circumstances to start Parenthood

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um but we made it

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yeah that I

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I can't imagine and all of the moments that

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there's so many wonderful

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tender moments that happened in those first

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I don't know couple weeks

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and they were all kind of stolen from you

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weren't you weren't they yeah

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you know and I don't know five

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five years down the road now

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I look back at a lot of things that

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that were terrible in the moment

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that ended up being such a blessing to us later

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just because

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you know we were

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we were forced to kind of lean into some adversity

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that made us a lot more intentional

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that made us a lot more excited about parenthood

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but yeah I

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if I had it to do all over again I

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I would not suggest you know

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doing it solo and everybody getting Covid

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and it being a huge panic

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okay you know

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that time must have felt really overwhelming

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and I I

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you know when you embark on the journey

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if you if you embark on it intentionally you

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you have a plan right

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and you have your support structure

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and you have your family

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and all of that evaporated for you uh

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it seems and so how did

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you know how do you deal with that

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how do you deal with the overwhelm

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how do you deal with and

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you know what would your advice be to somebody else

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who was feeling that same way

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I mean we're not

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we're probably not gonna go through a global pandemic

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in the near future again

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fingers crossed but

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but I think that feeling of overwhelm is universal uh

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to some degree or another

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you know Covid had already taken a lot from us

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you know I lost my

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job about a month before he was here um

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and and just

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just the reality of being in the medical field and that

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having such a major shift

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and who was allowed in the hospital and

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and what um

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hospitals were paying attention to and what mattered

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so we had already experienced Covid um

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taking something from us so this was like another um

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shot to the heart um

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but you know in in reality

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no matter what level of parenthood you're at

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whether it's you're about to be parents

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whether you're just new parents

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whether you're 25 years down the road parents

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things not going right is a common theme

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you're just gonna have to get used to

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um

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and and that's

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that's the brilliance of parenting

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is that if it was easy and if it was all mapped out

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it wouldn't be as fun

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it wouldn't be as much of an adventure

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if you just had it all put together for you

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you wouldn't love your kid the same

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if it was super easy to love them all the time um

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yeah and

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and I'll be honest with you man

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had it not been for my faith

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I

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I don't know if I really had a lot of hope in anything

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you know it's

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it's it's dangerous to

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tie your identity to one specific thing

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especially things that change or um

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don't don't always feed our purpose

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and so for me you know

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the idea of of leaning

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into my faith

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trusting that God had a plan for what was going on

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even though in the moment it was kind of crazy

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yeah um

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was

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was genuinely a huge part of what dragged me through

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what seemed like a really difficult time

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yeah I can imagine that I

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it so you

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a global pandemic hits

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uh shortly before that

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you had found out that you guys were pregnant

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right as a result of the pandemic

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you lose your job in the medical field

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and then this Covid thing absolutely disrupts what

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what would normally be a particularly challenging time

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just amping it up

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to three or four times the level of challenge I

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I I just really have a lot of empathy for

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for what you were going through there

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it my

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our own experience um

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our boy was 1 year old when

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when Covid hit and that wasn't ideal timing either

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I don't think anybody in the world thinks that

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oh boy

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Covid came at the perfect time right

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right and um

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um but we were positioned in

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we had a place where we could work from home

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we had an nanny lined up

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that could help us take care of the the

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the baby and

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you know we both had jobs that could

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support that kind of structure

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sure and it was still really really

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really difficult yeah

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and I I

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I'm really interested in what

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sort of tools and techniques

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and just the way of thinking

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you mentioned your faith um

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and the uh and

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and how that helped get you through

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what other tools and techniques

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did you have at your disposal to

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to help you get through that time

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was there any fellowship with other men or

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for sure you know and

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and how did how

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how did you get through that

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yeah I mean the a

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a good piece of advice is that

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you know you always hear it takes a village and

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and the reality is

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is it's not even a village to raise your child

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it's a village to support you while you do it

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absolutely um

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you know as men

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we're so used to you know um

281
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:07,200
just put it on our back and

282
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,866
and we'll find a way to climb that mountain but

283
00:11:08,866 --> 00:11:11,000
but the reality is is that

284
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,633
that that recipe ends in um anger

285
00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:17,233
it ends in resentment and bitterness or

286
00:11:17,233 --> 00:11:18,533
or just complete exhaustion

287
00:11:18,533 --> 00:11:20,800
to the point that you just fail the people that you've

288
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,300
you've committed to helping

289
00:11:22,666 --> 00:11:23,600
um so yeah

290
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,233
so fellowship um

291
00:11:25,233 --> 00:11:26,333
having a good support system

292
00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:27,700
and if it's just if your family

293
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:29,233
like if you have a great family

294
00:11:29,233 --> 00:11:30,400
lean on your family

295
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:33,866
I know not everybody has the privilege of having um

296
00:11:33,866 --> 00:11:35,466
a close support system from family

297
00:11:35,466 --> 00:11:36,900
but family isn't always blood

298
00:11:37,266 --> 00:11:38,033
um I

299
00:11:38,033 --> 00:11:41,333
I was very fortunate to have very strong men um

300
00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:43,600
that I had given the permission to have

301
00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:44,533
you know the

302
00:11:44,533 --> 00:11:46,433
the freedom to speak truth in my life

303
00:11:46,433 --> 00:11:49,733
even if that truth wasn't easy to hear at the time um

304
00:11:49,833 --> 00:11:50,533
you know hey Caleb

305
00:11:50,533 --> 00:11:51,866
I I think right now you're in a

306
00:11:51,866 --> 00:11:53,800
you're in a kind of a poor me position

307
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:54,000
I think

308
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,966
you need to pull up your bootstraps and get going

309
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,100
or hey man

310
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:59,700
I'm gonna come over and I'm gonna vacuum your carpet

311
00:11:59,733 --> 00:12:01,700
you just sit down and chill and

312
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:02,933
and they're small things

313
00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:05,066
and they don't seem very significant

314
00:12:05,066 --> 00:12:06,700
but at the time and in the moment

315
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:08,200
it was such a breath of fresh air

316
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,500
because someone saw my struggle um

317
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,533
and participated in my struggle with me

318
00:12:12,533 --> 00:12:14,166
and so um

319
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:16,533
my son's mom and I are not together

320
00:12:17,133 --> 00:12:22,333
and so co parenting comes with its own list of

321
00:12:22,333 --> 00:12:22,666
you know

322
00:12:22,666 --> 00:12:26,633
added obstacles or difficulties or just challenges

323
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,266
and so you know

324
00:12:28,266 --> 00:12:32,633
not only are you trying to figure out parenthood

325
00:12:32,866 --> 00:12:35,000
but you're also trying to navigate a relationship that

326
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,533
that may have had some um

327
00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:38,633
you know

328
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:42,400
trauma in it that you don't want to bleed onto your kid

329
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,466
and and you want to be able to try and repair

330
00:12:44,466 --> 00:12:46,133
but you're also in a moment of exhaustion

331
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,833
trying to figure out you know

332
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,733
when they sleep what they need to eat

333
00:12:49,733 --> 00:12:52,066
is this a normal cough is it a not normal cough

334
00:12:52,066 --> 00:12:54,333
like there's so many things that you're worried about

335
00:12:54,633 --> 00:12:57,100
so yeah so one of those things is community

336
00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:59,133
the other thing that I talk about

337
00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:00,000
a lot so when

338
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,500
when my friends get pregnant

339
00:13:02,066 --> 00:13:03,333
or someone I know gets pregnant

340
00:13:03,333 --> 00:13:05,100
I kind of send them this like

341
00:13:05,233 --> 00:13:06,600
cheat sheet of things that I wish

342
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,000
someone would have told me

343
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:10,166
prior to becoming a father

344
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,600
and the one thing I say all the time is have Grace

345
00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:17,033
yeah have Grace for your partner

346
00:13:17,033 --> 00:13:18,266
have Grace for your child

347
00:13:18,266 --> 00:13:21,433
have Grace for your parents or for your in laws

348
00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:22,000
or Grace

349
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,400
for people that say things that they didn't mean

350
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:25,133
to say it

351
00:13:25,133 --> 00:13:26,200
how it sounded

352
00:13:26,466 --> 00:13:28,466
for the people that give you advice that you didn't ask

353
00:13:28,466 --> 00:13:30,466
for for your kid who keeps you up at night

354
00:13:30,466 --> 00:13:33,933
for yourself when you forgot diapers

355
00:13:33,933 --> 00:13:35,633
or you didn't buy enough wipes

356
00:13:35,633 --> 00:13:38,133
or you got angry when you shouldn't have

357
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:39,266
yeah having Grace

358
00:13:39,266 --> 00:13:39,833
man that

359
00:13:39,833 --> 00:13:44,033
that is abundant makes you so much better of a father

360
00:13:44,266 --> 00:13:45,433
that it's it's

361
00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:46,900
it's the singular piece of

362
00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:50,866
of like emotion I try and possess at all times because

363
00:13:50,866 --> 00:13:54,000
man I know that I fail and fall so short

364
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,600
and I want other people to have the security

365
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:57,900
to know that they don't have to be perfect

366
00:13:57,900 --> 00:13:59,133
when they're around me as well

367
00:13:59,233 --> 00:14:01,000
yeah everybody's trying their best

368
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,400
aren't they right

369
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:06,766
and and that's almost never not the case

370
00:14:06,866 --> 00:14:09,200
everyone is pretty much trying their best

371
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:09,933
you know I

372
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:11,033
I uh

373
00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:14,366
there are a number of books out

374
00:14:14,533 --> 00:14:16,833
psychology books and and uh

375
00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:18,233
even economics books

376
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,833
about the fact that we have two brains

377
00:14:20,833 --> 00:14:23,233
in our head there's uh

378
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,600
there's the uh

379
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:26,466
what I call the the

380
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,333
the Conan the barbarian brain

381
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,333
um which is the much more primitive brain

382
00:14:31,333 --> 00:14:32,666
and it's the amygdala

383
00:14:32,666 --> 00:14:35,500
and it's reactive and it's emotional

384
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,233
and it's the

385
00:14:36,233 --> 00:14:39,800
it's what you need when you see a lion in the jungle

386
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,566
or when there's a speeding car coming for your kid

387
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,233
you don't have time to think it through

388
00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:46,666
and think about the physics of the situation

389
00:14:46,666 --> 00:14:48,400
you just need to react

390
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,433
and then there's the Sherlock Holmes brain

391
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,866
where that's the analytical side

392
00:14:52,866 --> 00:14:54,266
that's the prefrontal cortex

393
00:14:54,266 --> 00:14:57,533
that's the thing that is supposed to take the signals

394
00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:01,433
and incorporate them into your map of the world

395
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:04,500
and act appropriately and

396
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,666
and that the Grace that you mentioned

397
00:15:07,666 --> 00:15:09,400
is a shorthand for remaining

398
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:10,900
in the Sherlock Holmes brain

399
00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:12,600
rather than yeah

400
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:15,200
taking the anger that you feel about this situation

401
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,000
because your kid won't stop screaming

402
00:15:17,233 --> 00:15:18,233
right and

403
00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:21,166
and reacting and treating that as if it's real

404
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,466
you take it for the signal

405
00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:25,533
it is why am I feeling so angry right now

406
00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:32,366
oh I'm feeling so angry because I am at my wit's end

407
00:15:32,466 --> 00:15:33,800
trying to figure out

408
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,133
trying to troubleshoot this problem with my child

409
00:15:36,133 --> 00:15:39,800
and I feel inadequate I feel like this is

410
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,933
a symbol of the entire fatherhood journey

411
00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:47,100
right and that is causing me to feel this anger

412
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:49,200
the kid isn't the problem

413
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,566
the problem is the framing

414
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:52,233
yeah and

415
00:15:52,233 --> 00:15:55,366
and actually it's not even

416
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:56,266
merely a problem

417
00:15:56,266 --> 00:15:58,866
it's also an opportunity to feel powerful

418
00:15:58,866 --> 00:16:01,766
to feel to rise above that

419
00:16:02,266 --> 00:16:05,300
but you have to stay in that Sherlock Holmes brain

420
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:07,333
you have to give yourself the Grace

421
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:10,300
and that also goes for other people

422
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:11,833
you give your child the Grace

423
00:16:11,833 --> 00:16:13,333
that they're trying their best too

424
00:16:13,333 --> 00:16:15,266
it is a baby it

425
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,433
the only signal that it has

426
00:16:17,666 --> 00:16:21,800
to get you to do what it needs you to do

427
00:16:21,833 --> 00:16:24,266
is the screaming yeah

428
00:16:24,266 --> 00:16:25,933
and imagine how frustrating that is

429
00:16:25,933 --> 00:16:27,900
I remember having the realization

430
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:33,033
when our boy was young he ate four or five times

431
00:16:33,233 --> 00:16:36,533
what people were saying that we should feed him

432
00:16:36,533 --> 00:16:37,733
he would just keep eating

433
00:16:37,733 --> 00:16:39,100
it was the most amazing thing

434
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:39,900
we would eat we

435
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:42,833
we fed him 2 3 times um

436
00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:44,800
the amount that they told us oh

437
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,400
you know he'll probably eat about this many milliliters

438
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,733
and he was at three times that

439
00:16:49,733 --> 00:16:52,666
and he was still crying it turns out

440
00:16:52,666 --> 00:16:55,800
he was still crying because he was still hungry

441
00:16:56,066 --> 00:16:56,400
right

442
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,533
and the number of milliliters or any of that stuff

443
00:16:59,533 --> 00:17:00,333
that wasn't

444
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:02,066
and that's not gospel

445
00:17:02,066 --> 00:17:04,966
just keep feeding him until he's not hungry anymore

446
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:09,100
and it turned out that our boy's experience the first

447
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:10,600
I don't know month of his life

448
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,766
was that his stomach was too small

449
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:17,066
for him to feel sated his stomach would be full

450
00:17:17,066 --> 00:17:20,066
and he would still feel hungry and

451
00:17:20,066 --> 00:17:22,933
and so he was upset about that

452
00:17:23,233 --> 00:17:25,833
and it was you know

453
00:17:25,833 --> 00:17:27,500
and we had to troubleshoot through that

454
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:28,300
and it would I

455
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:30,700
I remember feeling this this anger

456
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:33,733
and that's that's what it was

457
00:17:33,733 --> 00:17:37,366
it was this how could I be so bad at this

458
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,100
yeah and

459
00:17:39,333 --> 00:17:40,066
you know you

460
00:17:40,066 --> 00:17:42,466
you mentioned you didn't put it in these terms

461
00:17:42,466 --> 00:17:44,800
but you mentioned the this

462
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:51,200
this lone wolf mythology that we have in our culture

463
00:17:51,533 --> 00:17:56,133
and I've come to this realization relatively recently

464
00:17:56,900 --> 00:18:01,233
that we all stand on the shoulders of giants

465
00:18:01,833 --> 00:18:07,700
and everyone you see everyone you admire has a team

466
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:11,333
and and they have

467
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,133
you know they have partners

468
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,666
they have children they have parents

469
00:18:15,666 --> 00:18:18,233
they have friends they have aunts uncles

470
00:18:18,466 --> 00:18:21,500
they have non family family

471
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:28,433
and even if it seems like this person is a lone wolf

472
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:31,300
lone cowboy kind of ruling the planet thing

473
00:18:31,466 --> 00:18:32,900
that's never the case

474
00:18:33,933 --> 00:18:38,266
and if you think you need to do it alone

475
00:18:38,266 --> 00:18:40,266
you're doing it wrong yeah

476
00:18:40,266 --> 00:18:42,733
and I found that I was doing that a lot

477
00:18:42,733 --> 00:18:45,333
I was not willing to rely on other people

478
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,766
I was not willing

479
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:52,500
to accept the wisdom that other people were giving me

480
00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:55,166
because I wanted to do it my own way

481
00:18:56,133 --> 00:18:58,433
and that

482
00:18:59,233 --> 00:19:00,933
that's not right we

483
00:19:00,933 --> 00:19:02,933
we need to find

484
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:05,033
it's not the most effective way to do it

485
00:19:05,033 --> 00:19:09,900
the most effective way to do it is with community

486
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,266
yeah and I think

487
00:19:11,266 --> 00:19:11,633
and you know

488
00:19:11,633 --> 00:19:13,133
part part of that comes from

489
00:19:13,266 --> 00:19:15,000
part of that comes from two is

490
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,200
is knowing what you've done prior to becoming a parent

491
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,433
you know a lot of the times I

492
00:19:21,433 --> 00:19:22,866
I think it's so strategic

493
00:19:22,866 --> 00:19:25,600
that we have nine months to prepare for a baby right

494
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,033
because because really

495
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,900
those nine months should be very

496
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:30,500
very intentional work

497
00:19:30,633 --> 00:19:33,933
towards making sure your finances are in a position to

498
00:19:33,933 --> 00:19:36,600
where you can adequately serve your household

499
00:19:36,666 --> 00:19:38,633
yeah making sure that your emotions are in check

500
00:19:38,633 --> 00:19:40,133
dealing with some things that you thought

501
00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:42,566
you had dealt with but really haven't dealt with

502
00:19:43,333 --> 00:19:47,166
investing in a community that when this baby comes

503
00:19:47,233 --> 00:19:48,666
is there to support you

504
00:19:48,666 --> 00:19:50,733
and so that nine months is a really crucial time

505
00:19:50,733 --> 00:19:52,033
especially for men because

506
00:19:52,033 --> 00:19:53,633
you know women

507
00:19:53,633 --> 00:19:55,333
the moment they find out they're pregnant

508
00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:57,400
are physically connected to that baby

509
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,533
that's right until it's born right

510
00:19:59,533 --> 00:19:59,700
like

511
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:02,900
that's an immediate lifestyle change no matter what

512
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:05,200
for us as men you know

513
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,166
we hear it we're told it

514
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,300
you know we can see the ultrasound and

515
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,933
and we can know that we were a part of it

516
00:20:11,933 --> 00:20:15,000
but really like until that baby is physically here

517
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,633
your role feels insignificant

518
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:18,900
but it's really not like

519
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:20,400
your role as a father

520
00:20:20,633 --> 00:20:24,833
in those nine months is actually so crucial

521
00:20:24,833 --> 00:20:26,700
because you are

522
00:20:27,066 --> 00:20:30,533
building a way to facilitate potential problems

523
00:20:30,733 --> 00:20:33,133
you're you're working on communication strategies

524
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:37,300
you're working on things that you are ahead of time

525
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:38,233
seeing down the road

526
00:20:38,233 --> 00:20:40,833
knowing that a major change in our life

527
00:20:40,833 --> 00:20:43,533
a major change in how we spend

528
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:45,333
uh where we spend our time at

529
00:20:45,333 --> 00:20:47,566
who we spend our time with is coming

530
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,133
and I can either wait

531
00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:50,866
and try and figure it out on the fly

532
00:20:50,866 --> 00:20:53,066
which is just not my suggestion

533
00:20:53,066 --> 00:20:54,733
because of how difficult it is

534
00:20:54,833 --> 00:20:57,766
but you can really start in this moment and say man

535
00:20:57,833 --> 00:20:59,900
there's a lot of things that I think I could tighten up

536
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:01,233
that would bless my family

537
00:21:01,233 --> 00:21:03,300
and bless my household when this baby comes

538
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:04,100
yeah

539
00:21:04,733 --> 00:21:05,700
yeah I

540
00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:09,233
that preparation aspect I

541
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,533
I absolutely love that sentiment

542
00:21:12,666 --> 00:21:15,733
I it's something that I wish that I had appreciated

543
00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:16,900
and done more

544
00:21:17,633 --> 00:21:19,500
when when we were expecting

545
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:20,433
when we had I

546
00:21:20,433 --> 00:21:24,733
I I wasted those nine months frankly and um

547
00:21:24,933 --> 00:21:27,200
and so ended up scrambling on

548
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,033
on the other side of it

549
00:21:29,633 --> 00:21:30,000
and you know

550
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,233
don't get me wrong like

551
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,300
as much as I would love to say

552
00:21:33,666 --> 00:21:35,500
we got it all figured out in nine months

553
00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:38,166
like there there's a lot of time I wasted

554
00:21:38,266 --> 00:21:38,866
oh yeah

555
00:21:38,866 --> 00:21:40,100
yeah yeah and and

556
00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:40,733
and I'd love to say

557
00:21:40,733 --> 00:21:42,900
I haven't figured out five years down the road

558
00:21:43,133 --> 00:21:44,333
but I don't right um

559
00:21:44,333 --> 00:21:44,800
so yeah

560
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,866
so people that are listening that are like man

561
00:21:46,866 --> 00:21:48,466
I wasted my nine months it's over

562
00:21:48,466 --> 00:21:50,066
no it's not over but

563
00:21:50,066 --> 00:21:53,000
but if you if you have the privilege um

564
00:21:53,133 --> 00:21:57,200
to actively prepare fatherhood

565
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:58,666
you are successful in fatherhood

566
00:21:58,666 --> 00:22:00,033
with adequate preparation

567
00:22:00,333 --> 00:22:02,566
because it's inevitable that your kid

568
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,333
is gonna say something do something

569
00:22:04,333 --> 00:22:05,400
experience something

570
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,100
that affects the way that you function yeah

571
00:22:08,100 --> 00:22:10,733
your kids your kids mom is gonna do things

572
00:22:10,733 --> 00:22:11,633
experience things

573
00:22:11,633 --> 00:22:13,766
say something that affects the way that you function

574
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:14,233
and either

575
00:22:14,233 --> 00:22:17,166
you can be the peace that blesses your household

576
00:22:17,266 --> 00:22:20,400
or you can be the gasoline on a

577
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:23,033
on a smoldering fire that sets everything ablaze

578
00:22:23,033 --> 00:22:24,900
and that that comes from individual work

579
00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:26,300
that's not necessarily something

580
00:22:26,333 --> 00:22:27,866
you can rely on your wife for

581
00:22:27,866 --> 00:22:29,533
you can rely on your kid for

582
00:22:29,533 --> 00:22:31,600
because they're hoping that you've got enough peace

583
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,300
about you that when bad things happen you don't panic

584
00:22:35,666 --> 00:22:36,033
you know

585
00:22:36,033 --> 00:22:39,200
that's that is such an excellent point and you know

586
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:40,200
there's a third option too

587
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,133
which is you run away and you

588
00:22:42,133 --> 00:22:45,933
and you don't confront the issue at all and so

589
00:22:45,933 --> 00:22:46,733
you know

590
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:51,866
dealing with conflict is is a real challenge uh

591
00:22:51,866 --> 00:22:53,233
for a lot of men I think

592
00:22:53,233 --> 00:22:56,800
and I certainly struggled with this and

593
00:22:57,700 --> 00:22:58,400
and obviously

594
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,300
the hardest way to deal with conflict is to head it to

595
00:23:01,300 --> 00:23:04,733
to keep calm and deal with it straight on

596
00:23:04,733 --> 00:23:06,800
and I think a lot of us choose avoidance

597
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,033
or a lot of us choose choose

598
00:23:09,066 --> 00:23:10,700
we puff up our chests and we

599
00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:13,400
and we confront it in an unhealthy way

600
00:23:13,533 --> 00:23:16,833
how do you how do you feel like fathers can model

601
00:23:17,433 --> 00:23:19,700
a healthy way to deal with conflict

602
00:23:20,333 --> 00:23:22,833
especially you know for their sons or you know

603
00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,333
how do you deal with conflict

604
00:23:24,333 --> 00:23:25,533
how do you think about conflict

605
00:23:25,533 --> 00:23:28,133
and the truth is is that we

606
00:23:28,133 --> 00:23:31,133
we are a product of of what we saw

607
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,233
uh I fully believe that men will do better

608
00:23:33,233 --> 00:23:34,466
when they're shown better

609
00:23:34,466 --> 00:23:36,600
yeah men require demonstration

610
00:23:36,833 --> 00:23:38,000
and so a lot of the times

611
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,466
if we ever saw our dad handle conflict

612
00:23:40,466 --> 00:23:41,066
that's kind of

613
00:23:41,066 --> 00:23:43,400
the natural way that we lean into handling conflict

614
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,733
ourselves so if your dad was an explosive

615
00:23:45,733 --> 00:23:47,666
angry type you tend to be that way

616
00:23:47,666 --> 00:23:51,000
or you tend to be so anti that

617
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,200
that you end up going complete opposite direction

618
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,800
to where you're just kind of a pushover

619
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,033
and you don't care about anything

620
00:23:56,033 --> 00:23:57,800
and you just let it all happen

621
00:23:57,900 --> 00:23:59,266
that's right so

622
00:23:59,266 --> 00:24:02,133
so conflict management strategies come from

623
00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:04,033
a handful of places No. 1

624
00:24:04,033 --> 00:24:06,200
like I talked about it's your identity

625
00:24:06,333 --> 00:24:10,366
if your identity is in something that is temporary

626
00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:13,900
or that often changes through the fluidity of culture

627
00:24:13,900 --> 00:24:15,233
or you know we

628
00:24:15,233 --> 00:24:16,533
I so the other day I

629
00:24:16,533 --> 00:24:18,433
I have a partially torn rotator cuff

630
00:24:18,433 --> 00:24:19,500
and

631
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,133
it's affected the way that I've been able to work out

632
00:24:22,533 --> 00:24:23,500
and so like

633
00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:26,266
God has been convicting me about my identity in

634
00:24:26,266 --> 00:24:27,400
in in fitness

635
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:28,633
and like don't get me wrong fellas

636
00:24:28,633 --> 00:24:30,133
like I want you in the gym

637
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:31,633
being the best version of yourself

638
00:24:31,633 --> 00:24:33,300
physically that you can be

639
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:34,200
but

640
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:38,033
when something as minuscule as a minor injury occurs

641
00:24:38,433 --> 00:24:39,200
that it that

642
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,800
it warps your entire ideology of who you are as a man

643
00:24:42,866 --> 00:24:44,200
that's dangerous absolutely

644
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:44,833
you know what I mean when

645
00:24:44,833 --> 00:24:46,333
when even in fatherhood

646
00:24:46,333 --> 00:24:49,133
like a lot of a lot of culture and society

647
00:24:49,233 --> 00:24:52,300
glamorizes a really bought in father

648
00:24:53,266 --> 00:24:53,533
but

649
00:24:53,533 --> 00:24:56,000
almost to the point that we've pushed a dad to saying

650
00:24:56,000 --> 00:25:00,133
hey you're only good when you crush it as a father

651
00:25:00,133 --> 00:25:02,100
so that when you do inevitably fail

652
00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:03,833
which we all will it

653
00:25:03,833 --> 00:25:05,500
it wrecks your whole world

654
00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:06,600
that's right and so if you've not

655
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,866
if you've not Learned how to separate your identity

656
00:25:08,866 --> 00:25:12,100
from things that change you're just on a path of

657
00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:14,100
of constant disaster because we fail

658
00:25:14,100 --> 00:25:14,500
that's we

659
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:16,033
we are human beings

660
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:17,500
and the other thing I think

661
00:25:17,500 --> 00:25:20,400
that's super important about conflict management is

662
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,133
is perspective

663
00:25:22,733 --> 00:25:23,133
you know

664
00:25:23,133 --> 00:25:27,000
it's really easy to look at the rest of the world

665
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,733
and think about how it serves you

666
00:25:29,066 --> 00:25:30,433
or how it's failed you

667
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:31,733
the reality is

668
00:25:31,733 --> 00:25:35,000
is that everybody wakes up every day with something

669
00:25:35,433 --> 00:25:36,533
you know what I mean like on

670
00:25:36,533 --> 00:25:38,466
on the same planet we live right now

671
00:25:38,466 --> 00:25:40,133
while recording a podcast

672
00:25:40,266 --> 00:25:41,800
there are kids that are starving

673
00:25:41,933 --> 00:25:42,800
yeah I mean seriously

674
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,666
like that's a real a real life issue

675
00:25:45,666 --> 00:25:47,233
that there are kids waking up today

676
00:25:47,233 --> 00:25:48,400
looking for their next meal

677
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,066
to keep them alive for today

678
00:25:50,066 --> 00:25:52,433
yeah and so perspective really matters

679
00:25:52,433 --> 00:25:53,133
you know when

680
00:25:53,133 --> 00:25:56,133
when when your child is tired and they're hungry

681
00:25:56,133 --> 00:25:57,933
and they're over stimulated

682
00:25:58,066 --> 00:26:00,433
and I that's your job man

683
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:01,666
that's where you get to slide in and

684
00:26:01,666 --> 00:26:03,300
and be the peace when

685
00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:04,800
when your kid's mom has

686
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,700
has been taking care of the house and has been

687
00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:09,866
you know trying her best to

688
00:26:09,866 --> 00:26:13,133
to navigate this and and the baby's not listening or

689
00:26:13,133 --> 00:26:13,600
or you know

690
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,166
your toddler's being a crazy person

691
00:26:16,666 --> 00:26:19,200
if you don't have the perspective to look at her

692
00:26:19,333 --> 00:26:21,500
or to look at your kid and know man

693
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,466
in this moment you must be really going through it

694
00:26:24,466 --> 00:26:27,766
how can I bless it all you're gonna do is see

695
00:26:27,833 --> 00:26:30,266
this affects me this upsets me

696
00:26:30,266 --> 00:26:31,833
this bothers me so

697
00:26:31,833 --> 00:26:34,400
then your response is gonna be out of a victim mindset

698
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:36,733
and you can't be a successful father and a victim

699
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,866
that's right yeah

700
00:26:38,866 --> 00:26:39,800
I I

701
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,200
I'm not sure that you could be a successful person

702
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,333
and a victim also fair

703
00:26:44,333 --> 00:26:46,733
but certainly not a successful father and A

704
00:26:46,733 --> 00:26:48,300
and a and a victim

705
00:26:48,300 --> 00:26:49,600
and you know

706
00:26:50,866 --> 00:26:55,400
that brings to mind the concept of accountability

707
00:26:55,500 --> 00:26:57,300
and I

708
00:26:57,866 --> 00:27:00,533
I remember something you said from our prep sessions

709
00:27:00,833 --> 00:27:02,533
that puts it so succinctly

710
00:27:02,533 --> 00:27:04,400
that I'd love for you to expand on

711
00:27:04,633 --> 00:27:07,433
which was that accountability is love

712
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,500
and I feel like that's such a powerful statement

713
00:27:11,500 --> 00:27:13,733
I would love to inspect that some more

714
00:27:13,733 --> 00:27:17,300
how how do you feel that applies to fatherhood and

715
00:27:17,300 --> 00:27:19,700
and how do you how does that apply to your son and

716
00:27:19,700 --> 00:27:23,000
and your dynamic with your son's mom

717
00:27:23,866 --> 00:27:27,200
yeah so it's a process um

718
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,966
I think I think if I can frame anything for anybody

719
00:27:30,066 --> 00:27:31,833
is that if you don't have it figured out today

720
00:27:31,833 --> 00:27:33,266
it doesn't mean you won't eventually

721
00:27:33,266 --> 00:27:34,833
have it figured out you know

722
00:27:34,833 --> 00:27:35,666
this this is a

723
00:27:35,666 --> 00:27:38,300
this is a clay pot that we are waking up and shaping

724
00:27:38,300 --> 00:27:39,133
every day

725
00:27:39,300 --> 00:27:41,066
if you think that there's gonna be a final product

726
00:27:41,066 --> 00:27:42,500
at 3 years old you're

727
00:27:42,500 --> 00:27:43,300
you're confused

728
00:27:43,300 --> 00:27:44,766
and you're gonna get your feelings hurt

729
00:27:45,133 --> 00:27:46,000
so No. 1

730
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,833
knowing that every day you're just doing your best

731
00:27:48,833 --> 00:27:49,866
so the the Better Dad

732
00:27:49,866 --> 00:27:52,833
podcast came with not being better than anybody else

733
00:27:52,900 --> 00:27:56,066
but with an effort to be better as often as we can be

734
00:27:56,066 --> 00:27:59,500
yep and so the idea of accountability in love

735
00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:04,400
it's just like we look at our kids and you know

736
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,500
my son walks in and wants to grab a kitchen knife and

737
00:28:07,500 --> 00:28:09,533
and sword fight with it right

738
00:28:10,133 --> 00:28:14,833
why while in his head he 100% has no intention of of

739
00:28:14,833 --> 00:28:16,933
you know cutting anyone's finger off

740
00:28:17,033 --> 00:28:18,833
that's the reality that could happen

741
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:23,566
yeah so my ability to foresee potential problems

742
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,300
and in that moment

743
00:28:25,300 --> 00:28:31,000
caution or speak against his decisions prevents future

744
00:28:31,066 --> 00:28:31,866
um

745
00:28:32,500 --> 00:28:33,633
problems yeah

746
00:28:33,633 --> 00:28:34,300
and so that

747
00:28:34,300 --> 00:28:37,600
that essentially is accountability from me to my child

748
00:28:37,733 --> 00:28:39,466
but also like I spoke about earlier

749
00:28:39,466 --> 00:28:41,500
having a community of accountability as well

750
00:28:41,500 --> 00:28:42,900
for people that you trust

751
00:28:42,900 --> 00:28:44,533
and you've given permission to

752
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:45,700
to say hey man

753
00:28:46,133 --> 00:28:47,433
this is not you

754
00:28:47,433 --> 00:28:50,433
this response is is completely out of character

755
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:52,666
are you good do we need to step away do

756
00:28:52,666 --> 00:28:54,266
we need to go you know

757
00:28:54,266 --> 00:28:55,500
hit a few golf balls and

758
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:57,100
and like get some stuff off your chest

759
00:28:57,100 --> 00:29:03,333
because your family relies on you to be a central

760
00:29:03,666 --> 00:29:05,866
focal point of peace right

761
00:29:05,866 --> 00:29:06,333
like our our

762
00:29:06,333 --> 00:29:07,666
our children and our

763
00:29:07,666 --> 00:29:10,533
our children's parents thrive when we

764
00:29:10,533 --> 00:29:13,033
at our core are peaceful yeah

765
00:29:13,033 --> 00:29:14,533
this world is full of chaos

766
00:29:14,533 --> 00:29:15,833
there's always gonna be chaos

767
00:29:15,833 --> 00:29:18,100
you turn on social media or the news

768
00:29:18,100 --> 00:29:20,700
it's chaos after chaos after chaos

769
00:29:20,733 --> 00:29:22,800
that's right that's the business model of those

770
00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:23,333
and so if if

771
00:29:23,333 --> 00:29:25,500
if we can't find a way to

772
00:29:25,633 --> 00:29:27,833
to navigate that chaos you know

773
00:29:27,833 --> 00:29:29,000
it doesn't mean that it goes away

774
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:29,466
you can't

775
00:29:29,466 --> 00:29:32,533
you can't keep your kid or your household from chaos

776
00:29:33,266 --> 00:29:33,600
you know that

777
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:35,666
I think the other mistake we make as parents

778
00:29:35,666 --> 00:29:36,766
sometime is that

779
00:29:36,866 --> 00:29:40,433
we're so quick to keep our kid from

780
00:29:40,833 --> 00:29:42,766
scraping their knee from riding the bike

781
00:29:42,933 --> 00:29:45,500
that they never learn how to deal with the scraped knee

782
00:29:45,500 --> 00:29:48,566
it's not necessarily preventing chaos

783
00:29:48,900 --> 00:29:51,900
it's it's educating um

784
00:29:52,666 --> 00:29:53,833
how how to handle it

785
00:29:53,833 --> 00:29:55,733
but also remaining um

786
00:29:55,733 --> 00:29:57,200
in a place of peace from it

787
00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:57,600
so yeah

788
00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:59,466
the the accountability is love is

789
00:29:59,466 --> 00:30:03,200
is our culture is so about tolerance and acceptance

790
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,000
and and I really think that that's a tough model

791
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:09,700
for accountability

792
00:30:10,133 --> 00:30:12,533
because we just accept whatever it is

793
00:30:12,533 --> 00:30:13,666
for however it is

794
00:30:13,666 --> 00:30:16,066
because we don't want to hurt somebody's feelings

795
00:30:16,066 --> 00:30:17,866
or say the wrong thing yeah

796
00:30:17,866 --> 00:30:19,300
but in my household it's not about

797
00:30:19,300 --> 00:30:21,233
acceptance and tolerance right

798
00:30:21,233 --> 00:30:22,633
it's about prevention and

799
00:30:22,633 --> 00:30:24,433
and education and it's about

800
00:30:24,500 --> 00:30:25,500
you know I was

801
00:30:25,500 --> 00:30:27,866
I was I was instructed and

802
00:30:27,866 --> 00:30:30,500
and given the responsibility of taking care of my son

803
00:30:30,933 --> 00:30:33,666
and it would be a disservice to his well being

804
00:30:33,666 --> 00:30:35,500
if I was not willing to hold him accountable

805
00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:37,500
even if it was difficult yeah

806
00:30:38,466 --> 00:30:39,500
yeah there's

807
00:30:40,833 --> 00:30:42,400
one of the signals that I

808
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:44,700
that I've understood about the world

809
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,400
is that there's always attention

810
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:49,466
and so when you say oh

811
00:30:49,466 --> 00:30:52,233
you know we need accountability or

812
00:30:52,233 --> 00:30:52,933
or sorry we need

813
00:30:52,933 --> 00:30:55,233
we need acceptance and love

814
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:57,200
okay that's great

815
00:30:57,200 --> 00:30:59,066
but what is that intention with

816
00:30:59,066 --> 00:31:01,166
and that is intention with accountability

817
00:31:01,433 --> 00:31:06,333
and there's always that tension always exists

818
00:31:06,466 --> 00:31:08,766
and you need to find the healthy balance

819
00:31:08,900 --> 00:31:12,666
at any moment of how much do we need of this thing

820
00:31:12,666 --> 00:31:14,200
at the end of the story

821
00:31:14,300 --> 00:31:17,333
what you need to create as a father

822
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:20,600
in my view is you need those castle walls

823
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,700
you need your family to feel like okay

824
00:31:23,700 --> 00:31:26,166
in this area we're safe

825
00:31:26,700 --> 00:31:28,066
we're psychologically safe

826
00:31:28,066 --> 00:31:30,233
we're physically safe we can deal

827
00:31:30,233 --> 00:31:33,100
the chaos that's out there in the world

828
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:36,033
isn't going to come in here

829
00:31:36,033 --> 00:31:38,833
it's not made it is dampened here

830
00:31:38,833 --> 00:31:41,233
it is not made worse here

831
00:31:41,333 --> 00:31:43,666
yes and all of this

832
00:31:43,666 --> 00:31:45,300
all everything we're talking about here

833
00:31:45,300 --> 00:31:47,200
the accountability the acceptance

834
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:49,133
the love the uh

835
00:31:49,133 --> 00:31:54,200
the Grace all of that is contributing to that walled in

836
00:31:54,300 --> 00:31:58,900
safe space where we can feel okay I

837
00:31:58,900 --> 00:32:03,066
I am I am free to explore my personality

838
00:32:03,066 --> 00:32:04,600
I'm free to explore

839
00:32:07,666 --> 00:32:09,966
with behaviors and one of the things

840
00:32:10,233 --> 00:32:13,833
so my son constantly does things that

841
00:32:14,066 --> 00:32:17,466
that blow my head up I it like

842
00:32:17,466 --> 00:32:21,533
how can you be that crazy to have done that thing

843
00:32:21,700 --> 00:32:23,233
this morning he took

844
00:32:24,466 --> 00:32:28,300
the television remote and put it in his mouth

845
00:32:28,700 --> 00:32:31,100
just as far back as it would go

846
00:32:31,700 --> 00:32:35,633
just to experiment and see how things would go

847
00:32:35,633 --> 00:32:37,733
and on the one hand that drives me crazy

848
00:32:38,266 --> 00:32:41,433
and he's looking at me when he does that and I said

849
00:32:41,433 --> 00:32:43,700
what are you doing did you just put that in your mouth

850
00:32:43,700 --> 00:32:44,666
and he goes yeah

851
00:32:44,666 --> 00:32:46,600
it just it just felt good

852
00:32:46,833 --> 00:32:50,233
and I go we can't put the remote in our mouth man

853
00:32:50,900 --> 00:32:52,600
and he goes okay

854
00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:55,400
but so on the one hand it's maddening

855
00:32:55,700 --> 00:32:56,700
because what are you doing

856
00:32:56,700 --> 00:32:57,833
putting the remote in your mouth

857
00:32:57,833 --> 00:32:59,233
on the other hand

858
00:32:59,300 --> 00:33:02,233
there's a part in the back of my head that says

859
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,266
you know what

860
00:33:03,266 --> 00:33:06,600
you've kind of succeeded as a father in this moment

861
00:33:06,900 --> 00:33:09,766
because he felt safe enough to do that experiment

862
00:33:10,300 --> 00:33:13,433
that's good and the experiment was crazy yeah

863
00:33:13,433 --> 00:33:16,233
but at least he feels like he can experiment

864
00:33:16,300 --> 00:33:17,466
he doesn't feel like

865
00:33:17,466 --> 00:33:19,500
I'm gonna fly off the handle or go something crazy

866
00:33:19,500 --> 00:33:21,800
or do something insane or anything like that

867
00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:23,833
and I thought

868
00:33:23,933 --> 00:33:27,700
I had that thought this morning when that happened

869
00:33:27,700 --> 00:33:31,500
and frankly he does stuff like this every day

870
00:33:33,233 --> 00:33:34,800
and there's that tension again right

871
00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:38,100
it's the tension between I want him to

872
00:33:38,700 --> 00:33:40,500
to feel comfortable

873
00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:43,700
to go out and find his individuality

874
00:33:43,700 --> 00:33:46,100
but I also need him to be part of

875
00:33:47,233 --> 00:33:48,833
the social fabric of the world

876
00:33:48,833 --> 00:33:51,733
and to collaborate with other people

877
00:33:51,733 --> 00:33:53,166
you know one thing that's it's

878
00:33:53,233 --> 00:33:56,300
I was thinking about in in this idea of

879
00:33:56,500 --> 00:34:00,100
how far do we go with intervention with our kids

880
00:34:00,100 --> 00:34:01,000
at what age you know

881
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:04,500
do we let them experiment further the older they get

882
00:34:04,500 --> 00:34:07,766
I'll never forget in my in my mid 20s

883
00:34:08,733 --> 00:34:12,533
I was just chasing the world and my mom

884
00:34:12,533 --> 00:34:13,566
who was a

885
00:34:13,633 --> 00:34:16,600
and continues to be a spiritual foundation in my life

886
00:34:16,666 --> 00:34:17,800
was so clear about being against where I was

887
00:34:21,033 --> 00:34:25,533
and what I was doing but so present and loving me yeah

888
00:34:25,533 --> 00:34:28,366
that she didn't have to accept what I was doing

889
00:34:28,733 --> 00:34:31,233
in order to love me the same way

890
00:34:31,466 --> 00:34:35,600
and her willingness to love me

891
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:40,733
while also being staunchly against what I was doing

892
00:34:40,900 --> 00:34:41,233
was

893
00:34:41,233 --> 00:34:43,700
like the greatest form of love I've ever experienced

894
00:34:43,700 --> 00:34:44,166
yeah

895
00:34:44,433 --> 00:34:47,733
and her ability to both love me

896
00:34:47,733 --> 00:34:51,833
but also stand firm in what she knew was wrong and

897
00:34:51,833 --> 00:34:52,333
and

898
00:34:52,333 --> 00:34:54,933
make it a point for me to understand that it was wrong

899
00:34:54,933 --> 00:34:56,700
yeah like that was such the greatest form of love

900
00:34:56,700 --> 00:34:57,866
I think I've ever experienced

901
00:34:57,866 --> 00:34:58,666
because

902
00:34:58,733 --> 00:35:00,633
just like we said about your circle of influence

903
00:35:00,633 --> 00:35:02,700
you'll find that you've got a lot of yes men in your

904
00:35:02,700 --> 00:35:03,500
circle

905
00:35:03,700 --> 00:35:06,900
because either your relationship gives them purpose

906
00:35:06,900 --> 00:35:08,300
you've got some business acumen

907
00:35:08,300 --> 00:35:09,466
they're trying to absorb

908
00:35:09,466 --> 00:35:11,700
you're just in the same field at the same time

909
00:35:11,700 --> 00:35:14,066
so it just makes sense to be together right

910
00:35:14,066 --> 00:35:14,933
but the reality is

911
00:35:14,933 --> 00:35:16,433
is that the people who really matter

912
00:35:16,433 --> 00:35:18,866
who really have an impact on your life

913
00:35:18,866 --> 00:35:19,966
and what you're doing

914
00:35:20,500 --> 00:35:23,400
are the ones who can both actively love you

915
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,100
but resist poor behavior yeah

916
00:35:26,100 --> 00:35:27,233
and that's that's true love

917
00:35:27,233 --> 00:35:29,033
and so the same thing with my child

918
00:35:29,300 --> 00:35:30,433
I want my son to know man

919
00:35:30,433 --> 00:35:31,233
I've got your back

920
00:35:31,233 --> 00:35:34,700
and I love you fiercely and unconditionally

921
00:35:34,833 --> 00:35:37,066
but I also resist this type of behavior

922
00:35:37,066 --> 00:35:38,633
because I know it's incorrect

923
00:35:39,833 --> 00:35:45,433
yeah I somebody who can give you

924
00:35:46,700 --> 00:35:50,866
constructive criticism is a gold mine in your life

925
00:35:50,866 --> 00:35:52,533
absolutely nobody

926
00:35:53,933 --> 00:35:54,100
and and

927
00:35:54,100 --> 00:35:57,466
and you should be able to do that for other people

928
00:35:57,466 --> 00:35:58,833
as well and

929
00:35:58,833 --> 00:36:01,333
and cause it's hard people will tear you down

930
00:36:01,466 --> 00:36:03,300
people will be happy to tear you down

931
00:36:03,300 --> 00:36:06,566
and people will be happy to blow smoke up your skirt

932
00:36:06,866 --> 00:36:12,000
uh huh very few people will actually give you criticism

933
00:36:12,300 --> 00:36:16,000
that is that is constructive in nature in

934
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:17,433
in in a positive way

935
00:36:17,433 --> 00:36:20,533
in a way that is there to build you up

936
00:36:20,666 --> 00:36:25,500
and um I think a lot of people are

937
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:27,533
resistant to hear criticisms

938
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:32,000
um we're used to hearing them from our enemies you know

939
00:36:32,100 --> 00:36:34,433
in the form of attacks right

940
00:36:34,433 --> 00:36:37,133
and when it comes from our friends it

941
00:36:37,133 --> 00:36:40,300
can feel really scary

942
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:44,433
because maybe we don't have the community

943
00:36:44,433 --> 00:36:45,500
we thought we did right

944
00:36:45,500 --> 00:36:47,433
right and

945
00:36:48,233 --> 00:36:50,733
but we need to have again

946
00:36:50,733 --> 00:36:52,300
it goes back to that Grace

947
00:36:52,333 --> 00:36:54,933
of being able to hear the difficult thing

948
00:36:54,933 --> 00:36:58,133
to hear and respond with gratitude

949
00:36:58,300 --> 00:36:59,800
yes and

950
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:01,033
you know mom

951
00:37:01,033 --> 00:37:03,100
that's not the kind of thing I wanted to hear right now

952
00:37:03,100 --> 00:37:05,700
but I really appreciate you being willing to share

953
00:37:05,700 --> 00:37:06,600
it is a tough you know

954
00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:09,100
it wasn't it wasn't even an immediate response either

955
00:37:09,100 --> 00:37:10,633
right like I stayed in this

956
00:37:10,633 --> 00:37:13,200
in this path of destruction

957
00:37:13,500 --> 00:37:15,700
yeah and I just remember

958
00:37:17,700 --> 00:37:19,200
knowing where she stood

959
00:37:20,233 --> 00:37:23,733
but also not feeling any kind of

960
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:27,666
resistance from our love and like that was

961
00:37:27,666 --> 00:37:31,833
it was it was such a weird but like heavenly balance of

962
00:37:32,233 --> 00:37:34,333
man I love you so much

963
00:37:34,333 --> 00:37:35,533
but I love you so much

964
00:37:35,533 --> 00:37:37,600
that I'm not willing to accept or

965
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:39,900
or tolerate what you're doing

966
00:37:39,900 --> 00:37:42,833
because I have always cared about your well being

967
00:37:42,833 --> 00:37:45,166
and I know how this ends and so

968
00:37:45,333 --> 00:37:46,600
the other the other thing about

969
00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:47,800
about community

970
00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:51,033
cause we we as men struggle with this we

971
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:52,000
we go man

972
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:55,933
we want good strong men in our life

973
00:37:55,933 --> 00:37:57,200
but you know where

974
00:37:57,200 --> 00:37:59,666
where are those guys at how do I even find them

975
00:37:59,666 --> 00:38:00,800
that's right and

976
00:38:01,100 --> 00:38:03,066
you know we think it's in the workplace

977
00:38:03,066 --> 00:38:05,866
or it's a buddy we golf with on the weekends and

978
00:38:05,866 --> 00:38:06,866
and you find yourself

979
00:38:06,866 --> 00:38:09,300
in these very surface level conversations

980
00:38:09,466 --> 00:38:10,133
yep how

981
00:38:10,133 --> 00:38:11,800
are the kids how's golf

982
00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:13,300
how's work good

983
00:38:13,300 --> 00:38:14,433
good great

984
00:38:14,433 --> 00:38:15,666
I mean as men

985
00:38:15,666 --> 00:38:16,933
we say it's fine it's fine

986
00:38:16,933 --> 00:38:18,633
it's fine and we don't really know that

987
00:38:18,633 --> 00:38:20,933
there's 257 other emotions that we can have

988
00:38:20,933 --> 00:38:24,766
as responses to stuff it's either I'm fine or I'm angry

989
00:38:24,833 --> 00:38:26,400
that's what we know that's right

990
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:33,533
so developing a community first means being someone who

991
00:38:34,133 --> 00:38:37,200
who can participate in community driven things

992
00:38:37,633 --> 00:38:40,400
like how do you invite other men into your life

993
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:41,833
I talked about giving permission

994
00:38:42,333 --> 00:38:43,666
one of my closest friends

995
00:38:43,666 --> 00:38:47,233
um Nick is a guy who when we first met

996
00:38:47,233 --> 00:38:49,500
I would have hit him in the mouth for talking to me

997
00:38:49,500 --> 00:38:51,233
the way that he talks to me right

998
00:38:51,233 --> 00:38:54,666
but but as we have done life together and as we've like

999
00:38:54,666 --> 00:38:55,466
really

1000
00:38:55,500 --> 00:38:58,133
he's carried me through a lot of really tough moments

1001
00:38:58,133 --> 00:39:02,100
um his ability to say really difficult things

1002
00:39:02,100 --> 00:39:03,400
I've had to give him permission to

1003
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:05,033
and even now there are times where I'm like dude

1004
00:39:05,033 --> 00:39:07,666
you're way off base I'm not trying to hear it

1005
00:39:07,666 --> 00:39:08,800
but three four

1006
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:10,433
five hours later when I've sat in it

1007
00:39:10,433 --> 00:39:10,866
I'm like man

1008
00:39:10,866 --> 00:39:12,133
he's so right yeah

1009
00:39:12,133 --> 00:39:13,833
and and I know he's right because

1010
00:39:13,833 --> 00:39:15,966
because Nick doesn't need anything from me

1011
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,333
he's not my friend because

1012
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:19,533
I've got some sort of

1013
00:39:19,533 --> 00:39:21,500
business acumen that he's trying to

1014
00:39:21,500 --> 00:39:23,700
to absorb and work for his business

1015
00:39:23,700 --> 00:39:26,166
he's there because he loves me and he loves my kid

1016
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:27,700
so when he speaks some hard truth

1017
00:39:27,700 --> 00:39:29,500
into my life it's because he loves me

1018
00:39:29,500 --> 00:39:31,533
I'm like that that kind of community

1019
00:39:31,533 --> 00:39:33,866
that kind of like relational

1020
00:39:33,866 --> 00:39:36,866
um proximity from another strong man who's

1021
00:39:36,866 --> 00:39:38,466
who's actively seeking to be a good father

1022
00:39:38,466 --> 00:39:39,800
and a husband in his own life

1023
00:39:40,133 --> 00:39:42,933
it's invaluable that's right and

1024
00:39:42,933 --> 00:39:45,400
and I think that

1025
00:39:45,866 --> 00:39:52,766
so my wife has eight women like that in her life and um

1026
00:39:53,300 --> 00:39:55,900
if we're not careful we'll end up with zero

1027
00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:59,300
and I think a lot of men have zero

1028
00:39:59,333 --> 00:40:00,600
have zero friends

1029
00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:04,933
essentially meaning people that they could

1030
00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:10,166
come to in a real moment of desperation

1031
00:40:10,433 --> 00:40:11,966
you know what's funny is that

1032
00:40:12,333 --> 00:40:14,933
and I've I've given this analogy to men before

1033
00:40:16,100 --> 00:40:19,533
when you're getting married in your early or late 20s

1034
00:40:20,100 --> 00:40:22,400
men never have a problem picking their groomsmen

1035
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:23,400
it's always the

1036
00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:26,533
the brides that are trying to find bridesmaids or

1037
00:40:26,533 --> 00:40:26,866
or you know

1038
00:40:26,866 --> 00:40:29,200
yeah have enough or have the right ones or

1039
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:31,333
you know does Tiffany not get along with Haley or

1040
00:40:31,333 --> 00:40:32,600
you know all this stuff right

1041
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:34,300
but then you flip it and you go 20

1042
00:40:34,300 --> 00:40:36,233
30 40 years down the road into your marriage

1043
00:40:36,233 --> 00:40:37,500
if you were to ask those men

1044
00:40:37,500 --> 00:40:39,566
hey if you were to get married again today

1045
00:40:39,666 --> 00:40:41,200
who would be your groomsmen

1046
00:40:41,266 --> 00:40:44,433
uh huh and the panic that comes over those men's face

1047
00:40:44,433 --> 00:40:45,700
because all of those men

1048
00:40:45,700 --> 00:40:48,633
that they thought were their day one guys

1049
00:40:48,733 --> 00:40:50,900
they haven't spoken to right

1050
00:40:50,900 --> 00:40:51,733
and the women they've

1051
00:40:51,733 --> 00:40:52,800
you know they've got a whole

1052
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:54,833
book club of people that they can get together with

1053
00:40:54,833 --> 00:40:56,633
right now they'd have 30

1054
00:40:56,633 --> 00:40:59,533
40 women up there and and we're like okay

1055
00:40:59,533 --> 00:41:01,700
so why are we struggling I go yeah

1056
00:41:01,733 --> 00:41:04,000
because we have no groomsmen yeah

1057
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:06,400
we have no men in our corner and so like the

1058
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:09,500
the toughest thing about 30 and on

1059
00:41:09,500 --> 00:41:13,533
is that our male friendships dwindle and

1060
00:41:13,533 --> 00:41:17,166
and we say we get busy or we say

1061
00:41:17,433 --> 00:41:19,666
you know we just don't like the same things

1062
00:41:19,666 --> 00:41:22,333
but just like anything it takes active participation

1063
00:41:22,333 --> 00:41:25,333
it takes a willingness and and um

1064
00:41:25,333 --> 00:41:25,800
I think

1065
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:29,200
we've just lost the value in what it means to have good

1066
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,533
strong men in the same room and like

1067
00:41:31,533 --> 00:41:33,700
what kind of stuff that inspires for them

1068
00:41:33,700 --> 00:41:34,500
and the rest of the world

1069
00:41:34,500 --> 00:41:35,366
and their families

1070
00:41:35,700 --> 00:41:38,500
and we're losing the cultural institutions

1071
00:41:38,500 --> 00:41:41,933
that made that happen by default

1072
00:41:42,300 --> 00:41:43,333
a little bit right

1073
00:41:43,333 --> 00:41:45,966
I mean everybody's work from home now

1074
00:41:46,100 --> 00:41:48,300
and so there isn't the office

1075
00:41:48,466 --> 00:41:48,800
you know

1076
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,100
you don't have the office friendships you used to have

1077
00:41:51,100 --> 00:41:53,600
because because you're not going into the office

1078
00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:57,100
and having lunch with right Joe um

1079
00:41:57,866 --> 00:41:59,133
the the

1080
00:41:59,500 --> 00:42:02,333
significance and importance of churches

1081
00:42:02,500 --> 00:42:04,700
has dwindled substantially

1082
00:42:04,833 --> 00:42:06,600
in the last 20 years or so

1083
00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:10,100
and so we don't have that as fellowship anymore

1084
00:42:10,100 --> 00:42:12,733
we don't have nobody's you know

1085
00:42:12,733 --> 00:42:14,300
you know you there are

1086
00:42:14,300 --> 00:42:19,100
there are no young members of the Masons right

1087
00:42:19,100 --> 00:42:21,966
and and that's something

1088
00:42:22,533 --> 00:42:25,066
I think we would do well as men to

1089
00:42:25,066 --> 00:42:29,566
figure out how to rebuild because the tools are there

1090
00:42:29,933 --> 00:42:31,400
right the

1091
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:33,900
in this digital virtual age

1092
00:42:34,233 --> 00:42:40,533
we should be able to create that sense of community

1093
00:42:41,533 --> 00:42:43,333
in a positive way

1094
00:42:43,700 --> 00:42:47,866
much better than everybody could 50 years ago

1095
00:42:47,866 --> 00:42:48,933
yeah for sure

1096
00:42:48,933 --> 00:42:52,233
but we're we're not quite there yet

1097
00:42:52,233 --> 00:42:54,366
we're still maybe it's just we're

1098
00:42:54,533 --> 00:42:55,500
you know we're 20 years in

1099
00:42:55,500 --> 00:42:57,833
and we're still in the early days of social media

1100
00:42:57,933 --> 00:43:01,400
but it seems to me that social media is being used as a

1101
00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:04,000
as a way to drive people apart

1102
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:06,000
or create anger these days

1103
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:08,633
as opposed to to bring fellowship

1104
00:43:09,066 --> 00:43:11,100
and that's

1105
00:43:11,300 --> 00:43:15,266
we need to be intentional about creating these spaces

1106
00:43:15,266 --> 00:43:17,300
where where men can have fellowship

1107
00:43:17,333 --> 00:43:19,133
I think yes

1108
00:43:19,133 --> 00:43:20,033
and again like I said

1109
00:43:20,033 --> 00:43:20,200
the the

1110
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:22,800
the podcast that I started was

1111
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:26,800
because when I started to look for literature on like

1112
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:29,433
dads that were just ripping space apart

1113
00:43:29,433 --> 00:43:30,433
crushing it

1114
00:43:30,700 --> 00:43:32,900
that there just wasn't a lot of dynamic literature

1115
00:43:32,900 --> 00:43:34,133
it was like hey man

1116
00:43:34,133 --> 00:43:36,033
love them keep them alive

1117
00:43:36,066 --> 00:43:37,600
do your best and I was like I

1118
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:39,500
I had those three down I think right

1119
00:43:39,500 --> 00:43:40,033
but like where

1120
00:43:40,033 --> 00:43:44,033
where was the where was the value in like community

1121
00:43:44,033 --> 00:43:47,466
where was the value in Grace and conflict management

1122
00:43:47,466 --> 00:43:50,800
and and losing your identity to fleeting

1123
00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:52,100
changing fluid things

1124
00:43:52,100 --> 00:43:53,600
like none of that was there

1125
00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:54,800
and so like

1126
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:57,700
I am not the authority on anything at all

1127
00:43:57,700 --> 00:43:58,833
so like don't

1128
00:43:58,833 --> 00:44:02,000
don't Google my PhD cause it's in nothing

1129
00:44:02,033 --> 00:44:03,866
you won't find it but you know what I mean

1130
00:44:03,866 --> 00:44:07,666
like just the heart of like pioneering um

1131
00:44:07,666 --> 00:44:09,133
vulnerability out loud and saying man

1132
00:44:09,133 --> 00:44:11,200
I did this well you should try it

1133
00:44:11,300 --> 00:44:13,066
or like I totally screwed this up

1134
00:44:13,066 --> 00:44:15,000
you should avoid it yeah

1135
00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:17,400
you know

1136
00:44:18,433 --> 00:44:20,000
another one of those tensions that

1137
00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:22,200
that brings to mind for me

1138
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:27,633
is this tension between vulnerability and resilience

1139
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:30,300
and I'm I'm wondering

1140
00:44:31,833 --> 00:44:32,500
what

1141
00:44:32,500 --> 00:44:35,433
how you feel about that and how you think about that

1142
00:44:35,433 --> 00:44:36,266
and you know

1143
00:44:36,266 --> 00:44:40,633
obviously resilience comes from experiencing pain

1144
00:44:40,633 --> 00:44:41,933
and experiencing failure

1145
00:44:41,933 --> 00:44:45,200
and getting back up after you fall off the horse

1146
00:44:45,700 --> 00:44:47,733
um and

1147
00:44:48,700 --> 00:44:52,100
you know you want to encourage that in your boy

1148
00:44:52,100 --> 00:44:56,166
you want to make sure that he

1149
00:44:57,400 --> 00:45:00,766
that he has resilience on the same token

1150
00:45:01,066 --> 00:45:03,500
you want to express your empathy too

1151
00:45:03,533 --> 00:45:03,866
right and

1152
00:45:03,866 --> 00:45:04,633
and so

1153
00:45:04,633 --> 00:45:09,000
somehow you have to communicate that I'm here for you

1154
00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:10,266
I have your back

1155
00:45:10,266 --> 00:45:11,866
but you're the one who needs to stand up

1156
00:45:11,866 --> 00:45:13,200
and dust yourself off and go

1157
00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:16,233
get back on the horse I can't put you back on the horse

1158
00:45:16,500 --> 00:45:19,366
and that's a tension that I've really struggled with

1159
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:21,733
in my in my journey

1160
00:45:21,733 --> 00:45:23,833
I wonder how you deal with that

1161
00:45:24,633 --> 00:45:26,500
so it's funny

1162
00:45:26,500 --> 00:45:27,933
I yesterday

1163
00:45:27,933 --> 00:45:30,600
the day before was National Sons Day or whatever

1164
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:32,366
something came across Facebook

1165
00:45:32,666 --> 00:45:34,933
and I posted a picture of my kid

1166
00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:38,133
and I said fatherhood is about balance

1167
00:45:38,466 --> 00:45:42,766
it's about sometimes knowing that boo boos need kissed

1168
00:45:42,933 --> 00:45:44,000
and sometimes knowing that

1169
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:45,566
boo boos need dirt rubbed in them

1170
00:45:45,633 --> 00:45:47,066
sometimes knowing that he needs water

1171
00:45:47,066 --> 00:45:49,633
and sometimes knowing he needs an ice cold Fanta

1172
00:45:49,733 --> 00:45:51,633
you know it's sometimes knowing that just

1173
00:45:51,633 --> 00:45:54,433
just the the navigating each moment

1174
00:45:54,433 --> 00:45:56,033
because there's no handbook

1175
00:45:56,033 --> 00:45:58,033
or rule book on how this is supposed to be

1176
00:46:00,466 --> 00:46:04,500
there really is a lot of value in a mother

1177
00:46:04,500 --> 00:46:06,033
and her nurturing ability

1178
00:46:06,133 --> 00:46:08,300
and there's a lot of value in a father

1179
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:12,166
in his position of security

1180
00:46:12,233 --> 00:46:15,300
yeah and when you co parent

1181
00:46:15,300 --> 00:46:17,666
you kind of have to absorb both roles sometimes

1182
00:46:17,666 --> 00:46:18,533
yeah I can imagine

1183
00:46:18,533 --> 00:46:19,633
and that's and that's tough

1184
00:46:19,633 --> 00:46:21,566
because that can be confusing to your kid

1185
00:46:21,800 --> 00:46:22,866
um and that can be

1186
00:46:22,866 --> 00:46:25,233
that can be essentially stealing from them too

1187
00:46:25,233 --> 00:46:28,100
because you weren't adequately designed to

1188
00:46:28,100 --> 00:46:30,400
to facilitate that role at all

1189
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:31,433
but

1190
00:46:32,200 --> 00:46:35,233
so my son very often

1191
00:46:36,466 --> 00:46:36,633
and and

1192
00:46:36,633 --> 00:46:38,766
and not just my son but

1193
00:46:39,300 --> 00:46:40,033
you will see that

1194
00:46:40,033 --> 00:46:43,666
kids look to how you react to the conflict

1195
00:46:43,666 --> 00:46:44,900
they experience

1196
00:46:45,633 --> 00:46:47,433
you know if he falls down

1197
00:46:49,300 --> 00:46:52,266
the the women in our life are oh

1198
00:46:52,266 --> 00:46:53,100
are you okay and like

1199
00:46:53,100 --> 00:46:54,433
it's just this immediate panic

1200
00:46:54,433 --> 00:46:56,266
and it's not from a wrong place

1201
00:46:56,266 --> 00:46:59,466
they are like fixers and and helpers and nurturers

1202
00:46:59,466 --> 00:46:59,733
and so

1203
00:46:59,733 --> 00:47:02,366
they saw their baby hurt and they want to run to him

1204
00:47:03,633 --> 00:47:07,266
but I also know that my son looks at me and he goes

1205
00:47:07,266 --> 00:47:11,200
my response is is gonna be

1206
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:12,400
directly affected

1207
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:14,366
by the way that my dad responds to this

1208
00:47:14,466 --> 00:47:15,800
mm hmm and

1209
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:19,233
if I'm not prepared I have the same panic

1210
00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:22,433
yeah and if I instill panic in my son's life

1211
00:47:22,433 --> 00:47:25,333
his default response to conflict will be panic

1212
00:47:25,333 --> 00:47:27,133
that's right and so it

1213
00:47:27,133 --> 00:47:29,733
it doesn't mean bubble wrapping him

1214
00:47:29,733 --> 00:47:31,600
when he rides a bike it doesn't mean

1215
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:33,600
not allowing him to go to birthday parties

1216
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:35,900
cause kids have snot they might get it on him

1217
00:47:35,900 --> 00:47:36,866
it's it's not any of that

1218
00:47:36,866 --> 00:47:38,100
it's the idea that

1219
00:47:38,733 --> 00:47:39,133
hey man

1220
00:47:39,133 --> 00:47:40,366
when you get in my truck

1221
00:47:41,133 --> 00:47:42,833
can you tell me about something that happened

1222
00:47:42,833 --> 00:47:44,233
so they at a school

1223
00:47:44,233 --> 00:47:45,000
they can

1224
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:47,433
they can lose points or get points for behavior

1225
00:47:47,433 --> 00:47:48,200
whatever it's a

1226
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:49,200
it's a great way for parents

1227
00:47:49,200 --> 00:47:50,466
to partner with the schools

1228
00:47:50,466 --> 00:47:51,133
you know after

1229
00:47:51,133 --> 00:47:52,766
after school hours yeah

1230
00:47:53,066 --> 00:47:55,666
and so I saw on the app that he lost a point

1231
00:47:55,666 --> 00:47:56,933
so we got in the truck and I said hey

1232
00:47:56,933 --> 00:47:57,900
what happened

1233
00:47:58,633 --> 00:47:58,933
he said well

1234
00:47:58,933 --> 00:48:00,600
this kid was doing this and I said hey

1235
00:48:00,600 --> 00:48:02,033
I said I'm not that kid's dad

1236
00:48:02,033 --> 00:48:03,900
and I asked you what happened

1237
00:48:04,533 --> 00:48:06,033
and so he stopped for a minute and

1238
00:48:06,033 --> 00:48:06,233
and like

1239
00:48:06,233 --> 00:48:09,000
he saw that I wasn't gonna continue the narrative

1240
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:10,600
that it was somebody else's fault

1241
00:48:11,233 --> 00:48:13,500
and and that's a small thing

1242
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:16,833
but at 5 years old it's

1243
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:19,633
I've never taught my son how to lie

1244
00:48:20,033 --> 00:48:20,333
you know what I mean

1245
00:48:20,333 --> 00:48:22,033
there wasn't like a class where we sat down and said

1246
00:48:22,033 --> 00:48:24,533
hey this is how you get yourself out of trouble

1247
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:26,333
you just tell somebody what they want to hear

1248
00:48:26,333 --> 00:48:28,133
that's never been taught to my son

1249
00:48:28,166 --> 00:48:30,700
of course not but somehow my son knows how to do that

1250
00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:31,333
yep right

1251
00:48:31,333 --> 00:48:33,000
there's a brokenness about us as humans

1252
00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:35,300
which which is why I believe as a Christ follower

1253
00:48:35,300 --> 00:48:39,533
that we need Jesus but when I when I look at my son

1254
00:48:39,666 --> 00:48:43,533
he has by default Learned how to protect himself

1255
00:48:44,233 --> 00:48:46,100
almost at a

1256
00:48:47,500 --> 00:48:50,700
scary disadvantage and I really believe that that

1257
00:48:50,700 --> 00:48:51,833
like true

1258
00:48:52,066 --> 00:48:56,966
masculine fatherhood comes in learning to apologize

1259
00:48:57,133 --> 00:49:00,500
asking for forgiveness and and doing it organically

1260
00:49:00,500 --> 00:49:01,700
not being forced into it

1261
00:49:01,700 --> 00:49:03,833
so we had this conversation in my truck where I said

1262
00:49:03,833 --> 00:49:04,466
hey

1263
00:49:04,466 --> 00:49:08,433
regardless of what somebody else does what did you do

1264
00:49:08,433 --> 00:49:10,800
like what was your response in this moment

1265
00:49:10,866 --> 00:49:12,100
and he realized that yeah

1266
00:49:12,100 --> 00:49:12,933
he could have been better

1267
00:49:12,933 --> 00:49:15,000
he could have walked away from that situation

1268
00:49:15,300 --> 00:49:16,333
and so

1269
00:49:17,466 --> 00:49:20,033
a lot of times it's trying to help your kids

1270
00:49:20,033 --> 00:49:23,133
get to the realization that you've already known yeah

1271
00:49:23,133 --> 00:49:24,833
because we have 30 40

1272
00:49:24,833 --> 00:49:28,033
50 years of life experience that we've you know

1273
00:49:28,400 --> 00:49:29,833
stepped in enough potholes to know

1274
00:49:29,833 --> 00:49:31,733
we can see one 10 feet away and be like alright

1275
00:49:31,733 --> 00:49:33,333
I'm gonna swerve but my son

1276
00:49:33,333 --> 00:49:34,700
who's just now learning how to drive

1277
00:49:34,700 --> 00:49:36,733
is hitting every pothole along the way

1278
00:49:36,733 --> 00:49:37,733
that's right so

1279
00:49:37,733 --> 00:49:42,333
so I can either go pave the road for him for right now

1280
00:49:42,333 --> 00:49:43,866
and he just have this smooth sailing

1281
00:49:43,866 --> 00:49:45,333
and then when he goes to college at 18

1282
00:49:45,333 --> 00:49:46,400
he's never seen a pothole

1283
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:48,533
then he just wrecks his entire life

1284
00:49:48,533 --> 00:49:52,033
yeah or I can help him navigate potholes or

1285
00:49:52,033 --> 00:49:54,300
or repair his car once he drives over

1286
00:49:54,300 --> 00:49:56,133
you know what I mean so it's just yeah

1287
00:49:57,066 --> 00:49:57,866
of um

1288
00:49:57,866 --> 00:50:00,200
not keeping our kids from panic

1289
00:50:00,866 --> 00:50:01,400
um but

1290
00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:01,933
but

1291
00:50:01,933 --> 00:50:04,400
having a response of peace and security in that moment

1292
00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:07,366
so that they know how to handle things adequately yeah

1293
00:50:07,600 --> 00:50:08,833
yeah and there's

1294
00:50:08,866 --> 00:50:11,533
you know there are potholes in the road that aren't

1295
00:50:11,533 --> 00:50:13,266
gonna damage the car and then

1296
00:50:13,266 --> 00:50:14,866
there are ditches on the side of the road

1297
00:50:14,866 --> 00:50:16,200
that will destroy the car

1298
00:50:16,466 --> 00:50:18,500
hmm and you can't let him go off into the ditch

1299
00:50:18,500 --> 00:50:20,766
but you gotta let you gotta let him hit the potholes

1300
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:22,333
right and there's again

1301
00:50:22,333 --> 00:50:24,300
going back to this kind of central theme

1302
00:50:24,300 --> 00:50:25,533
there's always attention

1303
00:50:26,033 --> 00:50:27,600
and there's a tension between bubble

1304
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:28,800
wrapping your kids and

1305
00:50:28,800 --> 00:50:30,100
you know when they get off in the world

1306
00:50:30,100 --> 00:50:31,500
they're going to be completely unprepared

1307
00:50:31,500 --> 00:50:33,833
and there's also a tension between letting them

1308
00:50:34,900 --> 00:50:36,800
letting them experience

1309
00:50:38,633 --> 00:50:41,466
issues that aren't recoverable from their age

1310
00:50:41,466 --> 00:50:42,100
right or

1311
00:50:42,100 --> 00:50:43,866
or that will cause permanent damage

1312
00:50:43,866 --> 00:50:45,333
we can't let that happen either

1313
00:50:46,066 --> 00:50:48,533
and it's I sat with a counselor one time

1314
00:50:48,533 --> 00:50:52,100
a counselor told me kids are really resilient

1315
00:50:52,100 --> 00:50:55,700
yeah and I remember hating that

1316
00:50:56,300 --> 00:50:58,766
I hate I still hate that

1317
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:00,600
like kids are resilient

1318
00:51:00,633 --> 00:51:03,566
they will recover from your parents mess UPS early on

1319
00:51:04,300 --> 00:51:06,033
that sucks that's

1320
00:51:06,033 --> 00:51:09,033
that should not be a statistical fact

1321
00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:11,500
that counselors are telling people right

1322
00:51:11,500 --> 00:51:14,300
like I don't need my son to be resilient

1323
00:51:15,033 --> 00:51:16,100
he wakes up every day

1324
00:51:16,100 --> 00:51:17,933
learning how to be a better person

1325
00:51:18,533 --> 00:51:19,100
you know I

1326
00:51:19,100 --> 00:51:21,633
I want his biggest obstacle to be

1327
00:51:21,633 --> 00:51:24,666
do I want Cheez its or do I want lays for lunch

1328
00:51:24,666 --> 00:51:26,100
that's that's what I want my son to

1329
00:51:26,100 --> 00:51:27,533
to labor over right

1330
00:51:27,533 --> 00:51:29,633
not whether or not his dad was unhealed

1331
00:51:29,766 --> 00:51:31,933
not whether or not his dad couldn't give up

1332
00:51:32,066 --> 00:51:33,733
certain addictions or not

1333
00:51:33,733 --> 00:51:35,933
because his dad wasn't willing to do the repair

1334
00:51:36,066 --> 00:51:39,000
so that he could be a whole healed person for his son

1335
00:51:39,033 --> 00:51:41,633
uh huh so while kids are resilient

1336
00:51:41,800 --> 00:51:43,100
I think fathers

1337
00:51:43,333 --> 00:51:46,566
fathers need to avoid having resilient children

1338
00:51:49,666 --> 00:51:52,166
yeah fathers need to avoid

1339
00:51:53,400 --> 00:51:55,233
forcing their kids to be resilient

1340
00:51:55,433 --> 00:51:58,366
yeah I think part of

1341
00:51:59,100 --> 00:52:02,600
I think one of the tensions there is

1342
00:52:02,900 --> 00:52:04,600
that's absolutely true

1343
00:52:05,133 --> 00:52:06,600
but going back to what you said before

1344
00:52:06,600 --> 00:52:08,566
you also need to give yourself the Grace

1345
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:10,833
to recognize that

1346
00:52:10,833 --> 00:52:12,800
just cause you screwed that one thing up

1347
00:52:13,233 --> 00:52:14,233
doesn't mean your

1348
00:52:14,233 --> 00:52:16,700
your kid is resilient and we'll get over that

1349
00:52:16,700 --> 00:52:18,033
it will be okay

1350
00:52:18,866 --> 00:52:19,766
um

1351
00:52:20,933 --> 00:52:22,533
but you did screw it up

1352
00:52:23,066 --> 00:52:25,200
and you need to make sure that doesn't happen again

1353
00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:26,633
yeah the reality though

1354
00:52:26,633 --> 00:52:28,500
is that you can still lead and screw UPS

1355
00:52:28,500 --> 00:52:30,333
I think that's what men miss men

1356
00:52:30,333 --> 00:52:32,200
men have never been taught that

1357
00:52:32,466 --> 00:52:34,766
bad things can yield good things

1358
00:52:35,066 --> 00:52:36,666
we've been told that as a society

1359
00:52:36,666 --> 00:52:37,500
if you did something

1360
00:52:37,500 --> 00:52:39,733
wrong that's on your permanent record

1361
00:52:39,733 --> 00:52:41,100
that will dictate who you are

1362
00:52:41,100 --> 00:52:42,700
in the way that the world sees you

1363
00:52:42,800 --> 00:52:44,533
the reality is is that when I screw up

1364
00:52:44,533 --> 00:52:46,266
I have an opportunity to get on my knees

1365
00:52:46,266 --> 00:52:47,666
and look eye to eye with my child

1366
00:52:47,666 --> 00:52:48,800
and tell him that I was wrong

1367
00:52:48,800 --> 00:52:49,700
that's right and I can

1368
00:52:49,700 --> 00:52:52,833
I can even educate him and teach him on how to be wrong

1369
00:52:53,500 --> 00:52:53,666
my my

1370
00:52:53,666 --> 00:52:58,633
my ability to apologize to own responsibility

1371
00:52:58,633 --> 00:53:01,133
to ask for forgiveness from my 5 year old

1372
00:53:01,300 --> 00:53:04,700
shows him how to experience being wrong

1373
00:53:04,700 --> 00:53:06,400
and doing it in a manner of Grace

1374
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:08,533
and doing it in a manner of respect

1375
00:53:08,933 --> 00:53:10,533
because again as men

1376
00:53:11,666 --> 00:53:13,733
we are the dismissive culture

1377
00:53:14,400 --> 00:53:16,200
like out of sight out of mind

1378
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:18,400
as long as I just tuck it in my pocket

1379
00:53:18,400 --> 00:53:20,233
no one will ever see it no one will ever know it and

1380
00:53:20,233 --> 00:53:22,100
and then it just and it just grows

1381
00:53:22,100 --> 00:53:23,566
and it grows and it grows and it grows

1382
00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:26,966
and then the reality is is I've had to learn

1383
00:53:27,600 --> 00:53:29,800
I wanted to be a hero for my son

1384
00:53:30,133 --> 00:53:31,600
from the moment he was born

1385
00:53:31,800 --> 00:53:34,733
I wanted to be I just a superhero

1386
00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:36,833
but the reality is

1387
00:53:36,833 --> 00:53:39,733
is that if I convince my son that I do no wrong

1388
00:53:40,000 --> 00:53:42,133
and eventually he sees me do wrong

1389
00:53:42,133 --> 00:53:44,633
I will have shattered his entire expectation

1390
00:53:44,633 --> 00:53:46,133
of what it looks like that's right

1391
00:53:46,133 --> 00:53:50,466
so I think hero qualities for humans

1392
00:53:50,466 --> 00:53:51,300
you know not for Iron

1393
00:53:51,300 --> 00:53:54,033
Man or for Thor or Hulk I think

1394
00:53:54,033 --> 00:53:56,933
hero qualities for men come in learning to apologize

1395
00:53:56,933 --> 00:53:57,733
often

1396
00:53:58,233 --> 00:53:59,700
to ask for forgiveness

1397
00:53:59,700 --> 00:54:03,933
to be gentle in gentle moments and bold in bold moments

1398
00:54:03,933 --> 00:54:05,800
you don't have to pick a side

1399
00:54:06,100 --> 00:54:08,333
I told my son the other day this intruder drill

1400
00:54:08,933 --> 00:54:10,633
because unfortunately we live in a world now

1401
00:54:10,633 --> 00:54:12,533
where five year olds have to practice

1402
00:54:12,533 --> 00:54:13,000
what would happen

1403
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:15,000
if some psychopath showed up to their school

1404
00:54:15,033 --> 00:54:15,833
yeah

1405
00:54:16,600 --> 00:54:18,500
so he was he was nervous about it

1406
00:54:18,500 --> 00:54:19,766
he was asking me like

1407
00:54:19,866 --> 00:54:21,833
I don't really wanna go to school tomorrow or like

1408
00:54:21,833 --> 00:54:22,933
what is this what is this

1409
00:54:22,933 --> 00:54:25,200
what is this and

1410
00:54:25,466 --> 00:54:27,533
and I said son here's what'll happen

1411
00:54:29,433 --> 00:54:32,933
if that ever occurs they will lock the doors

1412
00:54:33,533 --> 00:54:34,300
and so I'm

1413
00:54:34,300 --> 00:54:36,333
I'm fortunate enough to have one of his teachers

1414
00:54:36,333 --> 00:54:37,600
be a relative of mine

1415
00:54:38,333 --> 00:54:38,900
and so I said

1416
00:54:38,900 --> 00:54:41,033
what will happen is they'll lock the doors

1417
00:54:41,033 --> 00:54:42,333
you guys will go hide

1418
00:54:43,500 --> 00:54:45,366
our relative will text me

1419
00:54:45,433 --> 00:54:47,100
and I will come to the school

1420
00:54:47,300 --> 00:54:49,300
and I will dismember him in the parking lot

1421
00:54:49,300 --> 00:54:50,866
and I will leave him in pieces

1422
00:54:50,866 --> 00:54:53,000
for the rest of the school to see when they leave

1423
00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:57,400
and it was morbid and it but I was dead serious

1424
00:54:57,400 --> 00:54:58,066
yeah and so

1425
00:54:58,066 --> 00:55:00,466
he's sitting in the back of my truck looking at me

1426
00:55:00,466 --> 00:55:03,033
and he goes I know that to be true

1427
00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:05,533
and so while some moments

1428
00:55:05,533 --> 00:55:07,133
I'm on my knees looking at him saying

1429
00:55:07,133 --> 00:55:08,033
daddy messed up I'm

1430
00:55:08,033 --> 00:55:10,200
sorry I'm also telling him that

1431
00:55:10,200 --> 00:55:12,100
I would rip his arms and legs off

1432
00:55:12,100 --> 00:55:13,433
the person that ever tried to hurt him

1433
00:55:13,433 --> 00:55:15,266
yeah so you can live in both worlds

1434
00:55:15,266 --> 00:55:16,133
yeah that's right

1435
00:55:16,333 --> 00:55:18,300
you have to otherwise you

1436
00:55:18,300 --> 00:55:21,866
you fall down this road of push over or you're just the

1437
00:55:21,866 --> 00:55:25,200
the guy who tries to lead out of fear and manipulation

1438
00:55:25,233 --> 00:55:26,300
and you go the opposite direction

1439
00:55:26,300 --> 00:55:27,333
so it's about balance man

1440
00:55:27,333 --> 00:55:28,800
it really is yeah

1441
00:55:30,666 --> 00:55:31,500
give me

1442
00:55:33,066 --> 00:55:34,833
I'd like to end by

1443
00:55:34,833 --> 00:55:40,633
by talking about one thing that you just look back on

1444
00:55:40,633 --> 00:55:41,400
and wish man

1445
00:55:41,400 --> 00:55:43,033
I wish I'd done that differently

1446
00:55:43,233 --> 00:55:45,433
what's one big mistake that you made

1447
00:55:45,433 --> 00:55:47,833
or one one thing that

1448
00:55:48,300 --> 00:55:51,100
if I gave you the chance to do over one thing

1449
00:55:51,100 --> 00:55:52,133
what would it be

1450
00:55:52,866 --> 00:55:54,433
that's tough um

1451
00:55:54,433 --> 00:55:56,000
because now five years in

1452
00:55:56,000 --> 00:55:59,400
everything that was in the moment bad has only

1453
00:55:59,400 --> 00:56:02,733
has only produced a high caliber of character

1454
00:56:02,733 --> 00:56:04,400
that's made me love my child more

1455
00:56:05,700 --> 00:56:07,033
two two things I'll say

1456
00:56:07,800 --> 00:56:10,400
No. 1 if at all possible

1457
00:56:11,733 --> 00:56:14,200
find a way to make it work with your kids parent

1458
00:56:15,400 --> 00:56:19,766
I understand that things happen and that there are

1459
00:56:19,866 --> 00:56:22,466
you know brokenness and relationships and

1460
00:56:22,466 --> 00:56:23,800
and things that hurt

1461
00:56:24,933 --> 00:56:32,133
but it is it is easier to parent in the same house

1462
00:56:33,066 --> 00:56:36,433
and if it is all possible to put your pride aside

1463
00:56:36,433 --> 00:56:38,200
to find a way to make it work

1464
00:56:38,200 --> 00:56:40,500
even if it's 10 years down the road

1465
00:56:40,633 --> 00:56:41,200
um I

1466
00:56:41,200 --> 00:56:43,066
I would always advocate for a

1467
00:56:43,066 --> 00:56:45,200
whole household now

1468
00:56:45,200 --> 00:56:46,400
if that doesn't happen

1469
00:56:46,400 --> 00:56:48,066
doesn't mean you cannot be successful

1470
00:56:48,066 --> 00:56:51,200
doesn't mean you cannot still work in harmony with the

1471
00:56:51,200 --> 00:56:54,933
with the other side because it's totally doable 100%

1472
00:56:55,500 --> 00:56:56,900
but that would be my first thing

1473
00:56:57,633 --> 00:57:01,400
and the second thing that I think I would suggest

1474
00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:03,100
a mistake that I made

1475
00:57:04,233 --> 00:57:07,433
and then I'm I'm actively making it's

1476
00:57:07,433 --> 00:57:09,533
it's it's consistently removing yourself

1477
00:57:09,533 --> 00:57:10,466
from the position

1478
00:57:10,466 --> 00:57:12,633
where your identity as a father is the sole

1479
00:57:12,633 --> 00:57:14,200
driving point to what you do

1480
00:57:14,933 --> 00:57:16,833
because when they're 6 months old

1481
00:57:16,833 --> 00:57:20,200
all they do is you know pee poop cry and sleep yeah

1482
00:57:20,200 --> 00:57:21,933
and so you can take as many pictures

1483
00:57:21,933 --> 00:57:23,133
you can put him in the stroller

1484
00:57:23,133 --> 00:57:24,233
and take him to the mall

1485
00:57:24,233 --> 00:57:25,800
and you go to the park and everybody's like oh

1486
00:57:25,800 --> 00:57:27,233
you're so great you're so great

1487
00:57:27,866 --> 00:57:30,533
but then they become 3 and 4 and 5

1488
00:57:30,533 --> 00:57:32,033
and then you take them to a restaurant

1489
00:57:32,066 --> 00:57:33,833
and then they have breakdowns

1490
00:57:33,833 --> 00:57:35,700
and everybody looks at you and you're like

1491
00:57:35,700 --> 00:57:37,433
oh dude you're making me look bad

1492
00:57:37,533 --> 00:57:40,666
and I was this good father and I was I was killing it

1493
00:57:40,666 --> 00:57:41,733
but now people are looking at me

1494
00:57:41,733 --> 00:57:43,366
and I'm not this good father anymore

1495
00:57:43,500 --> 00:57:46,900
and I found that my identity as a dad is

1496
00:57:46,900 --> 00:57:49,066
is just as fluid as everything else in my life

1497
00:57:49,066 --> 00:57:49,533
so

1498
00:57:49,533 --> 00:57:52,100
so I really know that having a relationship with Jesus

1499
00:57:52,100 --> 00:57:53,700
that I have found my hope in that

1500
00:57:53,700 --> 00:57:57,266
I'm genuinely like it's this is it allows

1501
00:57:57,266 --> 00:58:00,466
me to have the freedom to find purpose

1502
00:58:00,466 --> 00:58:02,800
but not identity in these other things

1503
00:58:02,866 --> 00:58:04,666
and so knowing that when I do screw up

1504
00:58:04,666 --> 00:58:05,833
which is inevitable

1505
00:58:05,833 --> 00:58:08,200
there is Grace that allows me to repair

1506
00:58:08,333 --> 00:58:09,433
and move forward

1507
00:58:12,500 --> 00:58:14,100
I I love that sentiment

1508
00:58:14,100 --> 00:58:14,800
I I

1509
00:58:14,800 --> 00:58:16,400
I um

1510
00:58:17,033 --> 00:58:19,100
I I absolutely love that sentiment

1511
00:58:19,633 --> 00:58:21,433
um on the flip side of that

1512
00:58:21,433 --> 00:58:24,633
what is one thing that you've done

1513
00:58:24,633 --> 00:58:26,600
that you just are proud of

1514
00:58:26,600 --> 00:58:29,033
that you just I know I crushed that

1515
00:58:29,900 --> 00:58:30,966
being present

1516
00:58:32,200 --> 00:58:33,333
um a lot of times

1517
00:58:33,333 --> 00:58:36,400
men think that they are ill equipped to be fathers

1518
00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:38,033
and the truth is you are

1519
00:58:38,033 --> 00:58:40,566
we are 100% ill equipped

1520
00:58:40,833 --> 00:58:42,600
there is not enough books you can read

1521
00:58:42,600 --> 00:58:45,500
there is not enough parenting classes you can attend

1522
00:58:45,633 --> 00:58:46,733
there's nothing you can do

1523
00:58:46,733 --> 00:58:48,400
to fully prepare you for becoming

1524
00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:50,033
responsible for another human being

1525
00:58:50,033 --> 00:58:53,900
yep but you can show up

1526
00:58:54,200 --> 00:58:57,666
and even if it's been 15 years since you've showed up

1527
00:58:57,666 --> 00:59:00,100
you can show up today or tomorrow and

1528
00:59:00,100 --> 00:59:02,400
and while there may be resistance

1529
00:59:02,400 --> 00:59:05,000
and while there may be things that you don't know

1530
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:07,500
or that you're not really sure how to navigate

1531
00:59:07,500 --> 00:59:12,800
the reality is is that my son may say I've been a mess

1532
00:59:12,866 --> 00:59:15,466
he may say I've handled things poorly

1533
00:59:15,466 --> 00:59:16,900
he may say that you know

1534
00:59:16,900 --> 00:59:18,100
I did all these different things

1535
00:59:18,100 --> 00:59:19,600
but he can say it because he saw it

1536
00:59:19,600 --> 00:59:20,700
because I was there

1537
00:59:21,233 --> 00:59:23,300
and so I fully believe that

1538
00:59:23,300 --> 00:59:26,200
that the greatest gift you can give

1539
00:59:26,200 --> 00:59:30,700
your child is your time that currency is ever

1540
00:59:30,933 --> 00:59:31,666
ever ever

1541
00:59:31,666 --> 00:59:34,400
ever being spent every day everywhere we go

1542
00:59:34,800 --> 00:59:37,133
and whether you work an 8 to 5

1543
00:59:37,133 --> 00:59:38,733
when you get off you better lock in

1544
00:59:38,733 --> 00:59:40,266
you better put your phone away

1545
00:59:40,266 --> 00:59:41,466
you better get in front of your kid

1546
00:59:41,466 --> 00:59:43,900
and you better remind them how special they are

1547
00:59:44,200 --> 00:59:46,433
if you have the privilege to work from home or

1548
00:59:46,433 --> 00:59:49,833
or have a job that you have some flexibility um

1549
00:59:49,833 --> 00:59:51,300
one thing I'm very grateful for

1550
00:59:51,300 --> 00:59:54,433
both his mom and I have had flexible work schedules

1551
00:59:54,433 --> 00:59:56,733
that he didn't have to have daycare um

1552
00:59:56,733 --> 00:59:57,933
in the first three three

1553
00:59:57,933 --> 00:59:59,333
four years of his life yeah

1554
00:59:59,333 --> 01:00:00,866
and so we got some really

1555
01:00:00,866 --> 01:00:02,500
really good time with him and

1556
01:00:02,500 --> 01:00:05,666
and it's really made an impact on his development

1557
01:00:05,666 --> 01:00:10,200
and he is so secure even in two households knowing that

1558
01:00:10,200 --> 01:00:11,900
man my mom and my dad

1559
01:00:11,900 --> 01:00:13,233
they were there and

1560
01:00:13,233 --> 01:00:14,766
and I never had to wonder

1561
01:00:14,866 --> 01:00:16,833
if my dad was gonna be at a soccer game

1562
01:00:16,833 --> 01:00:19,633
or never had to wonder if my mom was gonna

1563
01:00:19,933 --> 01:00:21,433
you know come be a part of this

1564
01:00:21,433 --> 01:00:23,900
like we were there so your presence man

1565
01:00:23,900 --> 01:00:25,300
your presence matters

1566
01:00:27,133 --> 01:00:27,733
yeah and and

1567
01:00:27,733 --> 01:00:30,433
and more than just being there

1568
01:00:30,433 --> 01:00:33,633
physically being there with your attention and

1569
01:00:33,933 --> 01:00:35,233
and your

1570
01:00:35,900 --> 01:00:38,400
and your mental energy you're not

1571
01:00:38,666 --> 01:00:41,600
you know browsing Twitter or

1572
01:00:41,600 --> 01:00:43,333
or um

1573
01:00:43,333 --> 01:00:46,400
you know text messaging unnecessarily

1574
01:00:47,300 --> 01:00:51,133
right while you're supposedly with your kid

1575
01:00:51,133 --> 01:00:56,900
and I find that that can be

1576
01:00:56,900 --> 01:00:58,800
some of the most fulfilling time

1577
01:00:58,800 --> 01:01:00,533
that you end up spending with them

1578
01:01:01,066 --> 01:01:04,000
is that just trash time

1579
01:01:04,033 --> 01:01:06,500
you're just driving in the car and hanging out

1580
01:01:06,500 --> 01:01:09,566
and having some conversation about whatever

1581
01:01:10,833 --> 01:01:11,433
I I've

1582
01:01:11,433 --> 01:01:14,133
I found that to be some really

1583
01:01:14,133 --> 01:01:15,766
really gold nugget time

1584
01:01:16,733 --> 01:01:18,066
something I'm doing in the I

1585
01:01:18,066 --> 01:01:19,133
we talked about this in the

1586
01:01:19,133 --> 01:01:22,800
in the console prior to this episode is that in

1587
01:01:22,800 --> 01:01:24,833
in the studio that I'm that I'm in right now

1588
01:01:24,833 --> 01:01:25,633
we own

1589
01:01:25,700 --> 01:01:27,766
we've started something called the Legacy Project

1590
01:01:28,066 --> 01:01:30,533
and we bring men in and we tell their stories of

1591
01:01:30,600 --> 01:01:30,933
you know

1592
01:01:30,933 --> 01:01:33,333
birth origins all the way to where they are now

1593
01:01:33,933 --> 01:01:36,166
and we ask them questions about their own father

1594
01:01:36,666 --> 01:01:38,633
you know what is the best thing he did for you

1595
01:01:38,633 --> 01:01:39,700
what is the worst thing he did

1596
01:01:39,700 --> 01:01:41,400
how's your relationship with him now

1597
01:01:41,900 --> 01:01:47,700
and 10 15 guys all had a similar response

1598
01:01:47,933 --> 01:01:48,600
and it it

1599
01:01:48,600 --> 01:01:52,400
it wasn't that my dad gave me everything I wanted

1600
01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:53,933
there was never one Christmas

1601
01:01:53,933 --> 01:01:56,233
I remember getting a cell phone or

1602
01:01:56,233 --> 01:01:59,400
or getting a car or like none of them

1603
01:01:59,400 --> 01:02:00,666
not a single person

1604
01:02:00,666 --> 01:02:02,700
cared about a single Christmas or birthday gift

1605
01:02:02,700 --> 01:02:03,833
they ever got never mentioned

1606
01:02:05,333 --> 01:02:07,733
none of them cared what their dad did

1607
01:02:07,733 --> 01:02:09,633
none of them not one person was like

1608
01:02:09,633 --> 01:02:11,666
well my dad was the CEO for this company

1609
01:02:11,666 --> 01:02:13,033
and so it got us cool perks

1610
01:02:13,033 --> 01:02:14,666
and we got to go to basketball games

1611
01:02:14,666 --> 01:02:18,200
and none of them every single person

1612
01:02:18,200 --> 01:02:20,200
that sat in this room that poured their heart

1613
01:02:20,200 --> 01:02:21,933
about their relationship with the father

1614
01:02:22,066 --> 01:02:25,433
is that he was there

1615
01:02:26,066 --> 01:02:27,066
I I don't even

1616
01:02:27,066 --> 01:02:28,666
I don't even remember how he responded

1617
01:02:28,666 --> 01:02:30,200
I don't even care how he responded

1618
01:02:30,200 --> 01:02:31,500
I just knew he was there

1619
01:02:31,500 --> 01:02:33,633
I just knew that when I came home from school

1620
01:02:33,633 --> 01:02:35,200
that he was there when I woke up

1621
01:02:35,200 --> 01:02:37,433
he was there I watched him ride the lawn mower

1622
01:02:37,433 --> 01:02:39,200
I watched him play baseball with me

1623
01:02:39,200 --> 01:02:40,066
and like they

1624
01:02:40,066 --> 01:02:43,933
they weren't praising their father's attributes of just

1625
01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:47,133
of just amazing psychologically healed

1626
01:02:47,133 --> 01:02:49,733
perfect fatherhood characteristics

1627
01:02:50,033 --> 01:02:51,800
yeah it's not as difficult as

1628
01:02:51,800 --> 01:02:52,966
as what we think

1629
01:02:53,066 --> 01:02:55,200
there's a lot of men that have run from this

1630
01:02:55,200 --> 01:02:56,000
this privilege

1631
01:02:56,000 --> 01:02:59,200
because they thought they weren't built for it

1632
01:02:59,500 --> 01:03:00,833
the truth is you're not

1633
01:03:01,000 --> 01:03:03,133
but you are crafted in the midst of it

1634
01:03:03,133 --> 01:03:05,200
like you are refined through fatherhood

1635
01:03:05,200 --> 01:03:08,833
fatherhood brings out the greatest parts of you

1636
01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:11,400
and I we talked about this and this

1637
01:03:11,400 --> 01:03:13,033
I'll tell you this last thing

1638
01:03:14,466 --> 01:03:17,400
I'm an only child I've no brothers or sisters

1639
01:03:17,400 --> 01:03:19,133
I've got no DNA shared with anybody

1640
01:03:19,133 --> 01:03:19,700
I don't you know

1641
01:03:19,700 --> 01:03:22,400
nobody looks like me it's probably a good thing

1642
01:03:22,400 --> 01:03:24,366
but so

1643
01:03:24,500 --> 01:03:27,966
so I I become a father

1644
01:03:28,100 --> 01:03:33,533
and I'm holding him and I know he's my kid right

1645
01:03:33,533 --> 01:03:35,900
like I know I was there for the birth

1646
01:03:36,033 --> 01:03:38,066
I was there for the delivery

1647
01:03:38,066 --> 01:03:39,933
I saw it they handed him to me

1648
01:03:39,933 --> 01:03:42,200
I'm on the birth certificate like all these things

1649
01:03:44,233 --> 01:03:45,133
but you know I

1650
01:03:45,133 --> 01:03:46,966
I was like I don't know

1651
01:03:48,100 --> 01:03:50,400
I don't know if I've connected with this thing

1652
01:03:50,400 --> 01:03:51,600
and I was I was like

1653
01:03:51,600 --> 01:03:54,066
I'm a piece of crap dude how

1654
01:03:54,066 --> 01:03:56,633
how do you not connect with this

1655
01:03:56,633 --> 01:03:58,966
yeah and I'm so frustrated because his mom

1656
01:03:59,233 --> 01:04:00,500
she had no problem like that

1657
01:04:00,500 --> 01:04:01,266
that was her baby

1658
01:04:01,266 --> 01:04:03,333
from the moment she found out she was pregnant

1659
01:04:03,333 --> 01:04:06,100
and he came out and it was hers and she loved him and

1660
01:04:06,133 --> 01:04:08,833
and he ate from her and he loved her

1661
01:04:08,833 --> 01:04:11,100
and she sued him and so I'll never forget

1662
01:04:11,100 --> 01:04:12,833
I was about 90 days in

1663
01:04:13,500 --> 01:04:15,100
and he's in his bassinet

1664
01:04:15,100 --> 01:04:16,600
and he wakes up and he's crying

1665
01:04:17,533 --> 01:04:18,433
and and I I

1666
01:04:18,433 --> 01:04:19,266
I run in there you know

1667
01:04:19,266 --> 01:04:21,500
you just so panic you think something's going wrong

1668
01:04:21,866 --> 01:04:24,400
and I grab him and I pick him up and I look down at him

1669
01:04:24,833 --> 01:04:29,166
and I've been a father for like three months

1670
01:04:29,600 --> 01:04:31,133
and I look at this little boy

1671
01:04:31,133 --> 01:04:33,333
and for the first time I like

1672
01:04:33,333 --> 01:04:36,133
remember seeing a baby picture of me

1673
01:04:36,133 --> 01:04:39,366
and then seeing him and being like dude you

1674
01:04:39,833 --> 01:04:42,300
you came from me this is so cool

1675
01:04:42,300 --> 01:04:45,533
and then when I spoke and he heard my voice

1676
01:04:45,533 --> 01:04:47,500
and he knew that my voice was safe

1677
01:04:47,500 --> 01:04:49,966
and he stopped crying dude like I

1678
01:04:51,800 --> 01:04:53,433
I was I was shook

1679
01:04:53,533 --> 01:04:55,766
because I was given that privilege

1680
01:04:55,900 --> 01:04:57,833
to be the security for another human being

1681
01:04:57,833 --> 01:04:59,800
that my voice that my heartbeat

1682
01:04:59,800 --> 01:05:00,800
that my smell that

1683
01:05:00,800 --> 01:05:03,833
my temperature gave peace to another human

1684
01:05:04,266 --> 01:05:06,833
but it was 90 days after he was born

1685
01:05:06,866 --> 01:05:08,600
that's right and so all these men are like dude

1686
01:05:08,600 --> 01:05:09,833
you know I

1687
01:05:10,633 --> 01:05:12,066
I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that

1688
01:05:12,066 --> 01:05:13,266
it wasn't love at first sight

1689
01:05:13,266 --> 01:05:13,666
and I'm like dude

1690
01:05:13,666 --> 01:05:14,800
I'm telling you right now

1691
01:05:14,800 --> 01:05:15,900
I didn't you know

1692
01:05:15,900 --> 01:05:17,133
I knew I was supposed to

1693
01:05:17,133 --> 01:05:20,600
but I didn't fall in love with him until

1694
01:05:20,600 --> 01:05:22,033
like 90 days in

1695
01:05:22,533 --> 01:05:24,300
and at first I was embarrassed to admit that

1696
01:05:24,300 --> 01:05:26,433
but what I found is that when I talk to men

1697
01:05:26,433 --> 01:05:27,966
men struggle with that too

1698
01:05:28,066 --> 01:05:28,233
you know

1699
01:05:28,233 --> 01:05:30,400
we didn't have the privilege of it growing inside of us

1700
01:05:30,400 --> 01:05:32,600
so overnight they're just like

1701
01:05:32,600 --> 01:05:33,400
hey now

1702
01:05:33,400 --> 01:05:36,800
you are responsible for this entire child's well being

1703
01:05:36,800 --> 01:05:38,100
forever good luck

1704
01:05:38,100 --> 01:05:40,233
and you're like oh Sheesh

1705
01:05:40,900 --> 01:05:45,066
and I'm having a hard time manufacturing care for this

1706
01:05:45,066 --> 01:05:45,933
yeah thing

1707
01:05:46,000 --> 01:05:48,133
yeah and I uh

1708
01:05:48,133 --> 01:05:50,366
this was exactly my experience as well

1709
01:05:50,600 --> 01:05:53,533
and I had

1710
01:05:54,333 --> 01:05:56,633
I felt like the ideal was

1711
01:05:56,633 --> 01:05:57,800
you fall in love with your baby

1712
01:05:57,800 --> 01:05:59,433
the instant he looks you in the eye

1713
01:05:59,933 --> 01:06:02,133
which is what happened with my wife as well

1714
01:06:02,700 --> 01:06:04,966
and that

1715
01:06:06,400 --> 01:06:08,300
it couldn't be farther from the truth from me

1716
01:06:08,866 --> 01:06:10,900
and I felt ashamed

1717
01:06:10,900 --> 01:06:14,033
and I felt like a failure right out the gate

1718
01:06:14,033 --> 01:06:18,333
and what I discovered is that that's the norm

1719
01:06:19,500 --> 01:06:21,200
everybody I talk to

1720
01:06:21,533 --> 01:06:25,100
nine out of 10 have that exact same experience

1721
01:06:25,300 --> 01:06:26,933
and the one out of 10 is oh yeah

1722
01:06:26,933 --> 01:06:29,533
I fell in love with my baby the instant he came out

1723
01:06:31,433 --> 01:06:32,500
into the world

1724
01:06:33,100 --> 01:06:36,133
and that's the abnormal thing

1725
01:06:36,133 --> 01:06:37,500
and it's beautiful and it's wonderful

1726
01:06:37,500 --> 01:06:39,233
and I'm thrilled for those people

1727
01:06:39,233 --> 01:06:42,933
yes but the normal thing is what you and I experienced

1728
01:06:43,100 --> 01:06:46,466
yeah it's a struggle and it doesn't come naturally

1729
01:06:46,466 --> 01:06:49,100
we are not wired the way women are

1730
01:06:49,100 --> 01:06:50,866
and it's and it's not talked about either

1731
01:06:50,866 --> 01:06:55,933
like I think I think men suffer in silence a lot

1732
01:06:55,933 --> 01:06:57,900
because admitting that would would

1733
01:06:57,900 --> 01:07:01,400
would tell the world and he doesn't love his kid

1734
01:07:01,400 --> 01:07:02,933
it feels shameful that's exactly right

1735
01:07:02,933 --> 01:07:03,733
when deep down

1736
01:07:03,733 --> 01:07:05,800
all that dude wants to do is love his kid

1737
01:07:05,800 --> 01:07:08,633
that's right and so I think conversations like this man

1738
01:07:08,633 --> 01:07:10,000
what you're doing is so crucial

1739
01:07:10,000 --> 01:07:11,866
because there are fathers

1740
01:07:11,866 --> 01:07:13,800
soon to be fathers current fathers

1741
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:16,366
seasoned fathers that listen to this and go

1742
01:07:18,033 --> 01:07:20,200
man me too

1743
01:07:20,600 --> 01:07:20,900
so I

1744
01:07:20,900 --> 01:07:24,133
I fully believe in healing publicly

1745
01:07:24,800 --> 01:07:27,066
and so that someone who's suffering privately

1746
01:07:27,066 --> 01:07:28,900
can experience the same kind of healing

1747
01:07:29,866 --> 01:07:31,500
yeah I do too

1748
01:07:31,500 --> 01:07:33,633
that's exactly why we're embarking on this journey

1749
01:07:33,633 --> 01:07:34,533
together so

1750
01:07:34,533 --> 01:07:35,466
before we wrap up

1751
01:07:35,466 --> 01:07:40,233
give me one good principle that you adopt

1752
01:07:40,666 --> 01:07:43,333
and why you think that's important

1753
01:07:45,633 --> 01:07:47,233
one good principle that I adopt

1754
01:07:47,233 --> 01:07:48,733
that I think is very important

1755
01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:55,500
your child will do what you do

1756
01:07:56,066 --> 01:07:58,400
regardless of how good or bad it is

1757
01:08:00,500 --> 01:08:03,800
they see the best and the worst parts of you

1758
01:08:04,066 --> 01:08:05,533
social media you can lie

1759
01:08:05,900 --> 01:08:07,466
you can convince everybody else that

1760
01:08:07,466 --> 01:08:09,500
you got it all together but your kids see you

1761
01:08:09,933 --> 01:08:12,433
your kids see how you interact with women

1762
01:08:12,733 --> 01:08:14,866
your kids see how you interact with weight

1763
01:08:14,866 --> 01:08:16,900
weight staff they see how you do business

1764
01:08:16,900 --> 01:08:18,266
they hear phone calls that you make

1765
01:08:18,266 --> 01:08:20,100
they see how you respond to conflict

1766
01:08:20,100 --> 01:08:21,533
they see the food that you eat

1767
01:08:21,533 --> 01:08:23,866
the work you do or don't do in the gym

1768
01:08:23,866 --> 01:08:25,300
they see all of it

1769
01:08:25,500 --> 01:08:27,733
and that will directly influence the decisions

1770
01:08:27,733 --> 01:08:28,866
and choices that they make

1771
01:08:28,866 --> 01:08:29,833
so do right

1772
01:08:32,300 --> 01:08:33,866
that's a fantastic principle

1773
01:08:33,866 --> 01:08:36,433
and that's a great place for us to leave it off

1774
01:08:36,433 --> 01:08:40,500
Caleb Scott is the CEO of Better Dad Company

1775
01:08:41,000 --> 01:08:43,866
he is the host of the Better Dad Podcast

1776
01:08:43,866 --> 01:08:45,500
Caleb thank you again

1777
01:08:45,500 --> 01:08:49,700
so much for taking the time to be part of this

1778
01:08:49,700 --> 01:08:50,600
and

1779
01:08:50,600 --> 01:08:53,233
I look forward to catching up with you in the future

1780
01:08:53,466 --> 01:08:53,933
yes sir

1781
01:08:53,933 --> 01:08:54,733
thanks Sean

1782
01:08:55,000 --> 01:08:56,400
I'm your friend thanks