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Welcome to Sober Banter.

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My name is Rachel and I am hosting solo, but I am not solo on this podcast.

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I do have a very special guest,

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Danny Hen,

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and he is the founder of the Hen Dog Half,

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but under that is the Discussions and Chillin' Sobriety Day,

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August 9th,

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2022.

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Welcome, Danny.

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Thank you.

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Thank you.

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I appreciate that intro and I'm so happy to be here.

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So did you get into podcasting pre-sobriety or post-sobriety?

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I did.

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I think the first two episodes, I was still drinking.

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And what had happened was actually during COVID-19,

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one of my friend's cousins has a pretty successful Instagram Live at the time.

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This is now almost five years ago.

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And what he did was, yo, he texted me.

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He was like, he's like, Danny, you're a respiratory therapist, right?

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I'm like, yes, of course.

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And he's like,

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can you talk on our Instagram Live about the COVID-19 and everything that was going

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on?

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It was about a month into it.

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So I was like, of course, you know, and I did it with him.

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And it it's a hit like a lot of people were sending in questions and was like and

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especially people on my side were like,

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Danny,

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you should do podcasting.

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Give us a voice.

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Yeah.

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Thank you.

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Thank you.

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I appreciate that.

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You know, like once again, going with the insecurities, I always think, oh, my head's too big.

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I'm being too boring.

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I'm spitting my voice in there.

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That's always a doubting you.

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after that 2020 podcast with michael i was like i need to do this i need to then

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you know how you like you kind of sit there and you like plan it out okay i need

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this i need that and then like and then you make that delay and then that and then

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that piles on so for two years i didn't do anything and then it was in i think it

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was like june july of 2022 where i was like all right let me buckle down i'm just

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going to use my selfie cam and just do it that way and then i my first two episodes

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were

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One, just introducing myself and just saying what I want to do in this.

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And then the second one was about what is a WTF respiratory therapist?

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You know, like people don't know what I do.

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You know, so and going off the bat of what happened in 2020 with my friends podcast.

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Like, let me start off here because it's something obviously I'm very familiar with.

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So I did that and that hit.

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I got like, I didn't think I was going to get more than like, you know, like 10, 15 views.

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But then it hit almost 200 and I was like, whoa, okay, maybe I'm onto something here.

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And then the situation that got me sober happened on, it was about August.

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I call my sober date August 15th,

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but the day I put,

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when we spoke about it,

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August 9th was the situation that got me sober.

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sober that i knew that i needed to turn around i was that guy would come in 90 days

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clean up feel good get a girlfriend boom i'm out and then right back to just the

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going out as we always say what had happened in 2022 was i had a bad date and it

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was in boston and of course you know she left a little early and i was like you

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know f the world f this you know you're just getting into that pity pot

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And I was already like maybe like a drink or two deep.

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And I was like, screw it.

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I ended up getting hammered across the street from TD Bank Garden,

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which is like the big arena here in Boston where the Celtics play.

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And the bartender kept serving me.

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I got into a bad car accident.

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Real, real bad.

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Yeah.

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And I was, I was wrecked.

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I was really, really drunk.

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And this is where I know it's like embarrassing and stuff,

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but I tell the story because this was my having to accept God into my life or the

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universe or whatever you call a higher power.

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Something, something outside yourself, a spirit.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Cause the cops came,

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everyone came through,

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you know,

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there's a big,

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it's called route one up here in Massachusetts and they towed away my car and

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everything.

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I was able to pass the field sobriety,

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but they knew I was drunk,

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you know,

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and I related always back to,

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I always say this in the halls,

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like I,

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I am so blessed that I played soccer growing up because running backwards.

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Remember if you ever played soccer, anyone, you always do it.

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One of you could raise in laps.

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That was it.

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You know, like walking straight forward and then dribbles.

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Yes, exactly.

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Exactly.

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And I was able to do it with like all the flashing lights of all the cars driving by.

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You're that guy now on the side of the road.

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Some people thrive on adrenaline, too.

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So you get that rush of adrenaline.

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I think that's what it was,

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because I really want to say that I remember the whole conversation I had with the

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officers and everything,

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and they let me go.

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I was afforded an opportunity that is not given to politicians,

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that is not given to actors,

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that is not given to billionaires.

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You're talking about the Kennedys get charged with DWIs.

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And that was,

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you know,

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that was the godsend because especially during the pandemic,

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I became a really,

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really bad drunk driver.

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I was not.

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You were a good one before.

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No, not even.

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I wasn't one.

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I was always one that I was always like, I'm not driving.

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I'm going to take an Uber.

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I'm going to walk home.

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Especially when you're younger, you're okay walking three towns away, you know, back home.

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in the at two in the morning and like you wonder oh you'll probably get killed on

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the side of the road but yeah yeah exactly exactly it doesn't matter we're all we

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got a buzz let's go so i was afforded that opportunity and the next day i contacted

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a college friend she was in the program and i knew that she was in the program and

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she had brought me to actually my first aa meeting in 2013 almost 10 years before

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that

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And obviously I didn't stick with it revolving door,

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which is going to be a going theme as I talk about my journey.

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I had another friend pick me up from the scene and then I got home and like just

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basically cried myself to sleep.

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I was like, what just happened?

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And me also thinking that my car was totaled.

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I love my car.

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I have an hour drive into work every time I work.

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So I feel like me and my car become your best friends.

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So I felt bad about my car, felt bad about me.

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And just knowing,

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you know,

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I was in a bad place anyway,

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mental health wise,

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with depression and all that.

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So I knew I needed to make a change.

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So that's when I called my friend from college.

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And within like two hours,

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she had us two sponsors call me like,

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hey,

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Danny,

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we heard about everything that happened a couple of nights ago,

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or you need some help.

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you know, come meet us.

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So I met up with both of them and I wound up staying with this one guy older.

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And as the big book says,

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the elder statesman,

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you know,

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he was just old school,

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but like cool,

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like cool still.

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And yeah, he turned my life around.

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And that really, you know, I think that is one of the big things at the beginning of sobriety.

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You need a coach,

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you know,

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like and playing sports or like you're a college student or you need someone

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teaching you.

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And like they always say in the halls, you can't do this alone.

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You can't do this alone.

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As much as you think you can, you can't.

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You need help with this stuff, especially at the beginning.

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And I also knew at this point that drinking had been really, really bad.

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I had been doing a lot of bad things drinking.

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the christmas before this was august but the christmas before that i got drunk with

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my friend on christmas eve came home to my parents house oh my sister's house and

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knocked over the christmas tree time i go to the bathroom like you know stuff like

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that like it was just yeah it was bad news i don't have a problem exactly i was

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like i think i quit for like a day and then like you know came back up here and

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then it was a moment it wasn't the drinking

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Yeah, it's never the drinking.

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It's,

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oh,

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I was messed up because of something else that happened or I was,

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you know,

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or,

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oh,

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that person maybe sucked down,

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stressed,

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you know,

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whatever.

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So,

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yeah,

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when I finally was able,

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that August,

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I was able to just buckle down and be like,

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okay,

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I can't do this anymore.

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I know that I'm going to, especially after that car accident, I could have died.

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I could have killed somebody.

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You know,

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I would have been on the local news in orange jumpsuits,

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you know,

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like,

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and it would have been that guy.

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It was an enlightening, but very, very frightening situation.

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But I was lucky to escape from that.

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And I was lucky, like I said, I was given an opportunity.

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People better than I weren't given or richer than I shall I say, you know, so.

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Now, do you travel a lot?

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Like, do you get around the country and like go to other different AAs that aren't in Dallas?

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Have you ever been?

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Anytime I traveled in the first year,

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I was like,

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I want to make sure there was a meeting wherever I was going.

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So, yeah, they're all the only things that are different is like how they end.

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And then what prayer they do if they do a prayer.

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I guess Texas is the it works if you work it up here, up here in Massachusetts.

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Yeah, up here in Massachusetts.

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It's very Irish Catholic, you know, a lot of and that's where the roots are.

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So a lot of them ended with the Lord's Prayer, which could be hard for some people.

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And I understand that,

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you know,

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like especially if you have issues with,

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you know,

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the Catholic Church.

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I was thrown through a loop, man.

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I was like, what is happening?

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I just remember our first meeting and I am Jewish, so I do not know the Lord's Prayer.

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And I'm like next to my husband.

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And again, we had both just taken desire chips.

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We have no idea what's going on.

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And I hear him saying the prayer and I was like, what the?

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am I like being like, is this a, am I being pranked?

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Like, am I being punked?

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Or is this actually about to pop out?

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Like, and I'm just looking at like, where is he looking that he's saying it?

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And I'm like, what?

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He doesn't go to church.

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I'm married to him.

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I know him.

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Like, and we,

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I've never said he doesn't go.

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And he had told me after I'm like, what the fuck was that?

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Like, where did that come from?

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And he's like, yeah, I mean, I went to I grew up in a church.

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Like, I don't go now.

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But he's like, the Lord's Prayer is what I know.

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Yeah, that's the one that make you learn.

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Like if you're if you're in a Catholic house and you go to religion class or trade,

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it's like religion is one of those things that people kind of just keep to

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themselves.

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You know,

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like even even that,

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like when I went to my first AA meeting ever in 2000,

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yeah,

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2013,

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because it was right after the Boston Marathon bombings.

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i fell into a really black hole and my friend who i mentioned my college friend

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she's jewish just like you and was very like you know like i we knew her as oh

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she's jewish you know like yeah it's it's a rarity you know well not with me i'm

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from long island so i'm like i see you know like i grew up i grew up i went to bar

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mitzvahs you know i partied i i know the you know the all all that stuff i knew

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about the culture because i just didn't know the lord's prayer i didn't have

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anything against

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yeah no it's and it's funny because yeah this girl my my friend from college she

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knew it and she said it even i you know i looked at her and i'm like wait aren't

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you joy like yeah how did you do that honey on the opposite end yeah yeah i hadn't

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thought about that yeah yeah and it just be as of going at that point i think she

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was like a two years sober so you know you just learn it through there

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but i could see and that's where like i always especially if i share and like the

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topic is you know your higher power or people like the person who guest speaks that

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day that's their big topic is god save my life some i know i know for a fact

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there's a lot of people that just can't connect with that

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So,

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you know,

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I always try to,

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like,

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when it's my turn to speak,

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I always try to be respectful about,

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like,

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whether it's God or,

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you know,

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the universe,

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the sun that makes the flowers grow,

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the rain that makes the flowers grow,

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you know,

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like,

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something like that.

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Like, you have to hold on to something bigger than us.

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And for some people, unfortunately, fortunately, fortunately, unfortunately,

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It's, you know, God could be a very hard topic for them.

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Yeah.

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And I always feel for people like that.

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The best advice I've always, or at least not best advice.

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It's, how do I know if it's the best?

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The advice I always gave my sponsees was, first off, it's personal.

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And second, you know, as long as it's not you and it's something, it can grow with time.

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Like it can be just, you don't have to identify or say, like I was like translation of language.

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God is just a translation of a word that means lots of different things.

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Identify with the similarities, not the differences.

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Like, don't focus on you don't want to attach that word.

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Separate the word from the feeling.

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You know what I mean?

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Yes, yes.

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And that's,

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I think,

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what's hard for people,

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especially if they had religion spores down their throats,

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you know,

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and

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I hear that.

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I hear that.

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And I, and I, and I do sympathize.

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It's not the same.

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So it's like, so let's go ahead.

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That is perfect.

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Boom.

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You hit that down on your fourth step.

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But for now, until you get for one, two, three, it's just, let's just not focus.

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It doesn't have to be so serious.

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It's just gotta be something that's not you.

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You are not the power, whatever.

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It could be the water bottle.

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It can be a paper,

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whatever you want it to be,

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as long as it is not you and you are not in control of it.

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Yes,

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and that I think you hit the nail right on the head with that because I feel like

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that would quell anybody's anxieties when they're like,

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you know,

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I don't like the Catholic Church.

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It's like, no, put that away.

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This is different, you know, and we have to, the way you explain it.

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The amends comes later.

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Yes, exactly, exactly.

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You said it so well, I'm not going to butcher it.

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Yeah, exactly.

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I'm going to record, you know, we had this on recording, so I'm going to have it there.

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Yeah, and then so you have sponsees.

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That's always been a big thing with you.

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I don't know.

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Well, I mean, I've kind of come to a place where I got sick.

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Evan had got sick on and off.

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Then he had to have his tonsils.

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And I kind of told the sponsors I had that I wasn't as available.

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I couldn't answer my phone all the time.

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And I was just that's the big thing.

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Harder.

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I feel bad because I like I'm not going to say I abused my sponsor,

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but there were definitely sometimes I gave him that call at like one in the

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morning.

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You know, I

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I love being there.

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I just my five as Evan's gotten older,

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because when I started,

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he was two and I had a lot more time when two to four,

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actually.

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And now that he's almost six, there's just a lot of kindergarten is full of events, events.

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And it just gets busier.

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It just gets busier.

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And I felt it wasn't fair.

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I told them they can always call.

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Like there's never a time I won't pick up the phone or call back immediately.

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But to commit to a weekly meeting, I was starting to get a resentment.

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I was starting to get like,

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I don't have time to put this on the calendar,

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but I don't have time to not help.

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And I just said,

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at this time,

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I think I need to...

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My ego does not need to be so big that I need to be someone's sponsor.

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I think there's probably someone better suited that has more time and doesn't have

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a five-year-old.

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And I kind of said, the amends I made to Evan was that I was going to show up as his mom.

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And while I love sponsoring and I love helping other people,

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and I will always answer the phone or a text or an email.

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I do this podcast.

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But there's got to be a point where I still have to show up for Evan, too.

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It's the personal boundaries, you know, where you can't do everything 100%.

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You have to focus.

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I love sponsoring.

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I think that it's such a good way to also keep yourself sober.

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But it also reminds you.

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of what it is to be that new that new person you know that the biggest spiritual

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moments i've ever had is the the three that i've walked through the steps literally

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i can tell you the moment when i saw them come into me and like they had a

(00:14:55):
different light in their eye and they looked like a totally different person and

(00:14:59):
like just the way that they walked differently and i was just like

(00:15:04):
seeing the person who was day one to then giving them their one-year chip is

(00:15:08):
magical it is it is and i i once again you said it so you said it so well i don't

(00:15:14):
even want to reiterate it it is it is that and it's um i think it's it's scary for

(00:15:20):
women too i believe because i've i've talked to like i have a lot of friends that

(00:15:23):
are females in the club in our club

(00:15:28):
In the club, like 50 Cent.

(00:15:30):
But they say that it's scary walking into a room filled with dudes when you're by

(00:15:35):
yourself and you're in that pit of,

(00:15:38):
I need to get sober.

(00:15:40):
I could see that intimidation, especially for females.

(00:15:44):
To see your smiling face in a meeting or have you come with them and escort them to a meeting.

(00:15:50):
That is huge.

(00:15:54):
I like when women and women stick together, men and men.

(00:15:56):
But yeah, it's very different on the fourth.

(00:15:58):
I've heard men say they've had a fifth step that's like an overnight thing.

(00:16:02):
And women, I'm like, it's like an hour, two hours maybe.

(00:16:07):
Yeah, mine was about two.

(00:16:09):
It took days to write it.

(00:16:10):
But I want to say it was like a like hour in the restaurant and then an hour in the

(00:16:16):
car after,

(00:16:17):
you know,

(00:16:17):
like it was like very much like that.

(00:16:19):
And it's hard.

(00:16:19):
It's like I that's where I agree with the male,

(00:16:24):
male and male and female,

(00:16:25):
female sponsors,

(00:16:26):
because there's just some stuff that I would never tell a female about my fourth

(00:16:31):
step,

(00:16:31):
you know,

(00:16:32):
and I think that's it with females.

(00:16:33):
Like there's something that they wouldn't want to.

(00:16:36):
I mean, I don't know.

(00:16:37):
It does work.

(00:16:38):
I've seen it work before.

(00:16:40):
Again, everything's a suggestion.

(00:16:41):
There are no rules.

(00:16:44):
And I emphasize that, too, with anyone I've ever sponsored.

(00:16:47):
I'm like, listen, everything I say is a suggestion.

(00:16:51):
I made sure, and I was taught from my sponsor, that anything I say...

(00:16:56):
I'm not holding with any expectation.

(00:16:59):
Like I give the advice freely.

(00:17:01):
So I don't like care if you take it or not.

(00:17:03):
I'm just only speaking from my perspective, from my experience or experience that I was told.

(00:17:09):
So I never judge.

(00:17:11):
And I'm like, this is literally, there's no like rules.

(00:17:14):
I'm not gonna be mad.

(00:17:15):
And also like if they ever wanted to work with someone else, that was totally okay.

(00:17:19):
Like, I'm not the, you know, you learn the leveling of your pride that,

(00:17:24):
can't be ego ego edging god out as i always say it's edging god i like that yeah

(00:17:29):
it's always it's like yeah it's like why don't they want me or what did i do wrong

(00:17:33):
it's like it has nothing to do with you and that is always that that is the biggest

(00:17:36):
like you know the letting go part it's so hard yeah it's hard it's super especially

(00:17:40):
because you're so sensitive we're we're we're addicts because we try to fill a hole

(00:17:45):
you know whether it be you know like loss of love loss of

(00:17:48):
money loss of anything you know you try to fill that hole with alcohol so you take

(00:17:52):
that away and now you're like oh i'm gonna sponsor and i'm gonna like well i'm

(00:17:55):
gonna bake you know brownies for every meeting that i go to and then you that one

(00:18:00):
person criticizes you boom it's like your whole world gets rocked and i've seen it

(00:18:03):
happen i always feel bad i'm always like no don't don't don't get discouraged when

(00:18:08):
um when you were doing service like you were making coffee and stuff at the

(00:18:11):
beginning you

(00:18:12):
Yep.

(00:18:13):
Yep.

(00:18:13):
I came to those ridiculous coffee pots.

(00:18:17):
And I bought all this nice cleaning stuff.

(00:18:19):
So I'll get the hot water rinse and scrub it down.

(00:18:22):
And then people would just not care about them.

(00:18:24):
And I'm like...

(00:18:26):
Yeah.

(00:18:26):
And then you get a resentment for that.

(00:18:28):
Yeah.

(00:18:28):
And then, yes.

(00:18:29):
And I mean, resentment, I'm like, they don't know any better.

(00:18:31):
They don't.

(00:18:32):
It's just it's going to always be no matter what, whether I clean them or not.

(00:18:36):
It's kind of like you can but you can't make any rules.

(00:18:40):
You can't do anything.

(00:18:41):
So it's just like it's the way it is.

(00:18:44):
And that's fine.

(00:18:45):
And people want not every group is like that, though.

(00:18:49):
Well, that that's like the I go to this one meeting up in Nashville, New Hampshire.

(00:18:53):
Great meeting.

(00:18:54):
And I know the elder state's been there.

(00:18:56):
However, it's filled with just people that just need their paper signed.

(00:19:00):
You know, so you smell like your meetings.

(00:19:03):
There was times just getting a bunch of papers in the basket.

(00:19:06):
And it's like, that's fine.

(00:19:07):
I don't care.

(00:19:08):
No, it's perfect.

(00:19:08):
And I and.

(00:19:10):
more power to you do it do it but that does get into the environment if a lot of if

(00:19:15):
that's the majority of the meeting i feel like that's where it steers to you know

(00:19:19):
like the the screaming and yelling and you know like oh you know like perverted

(00:19:23):
jokes and all that yeah you gotta have people good sobriety like it's got to be a

(00:19:26):
good share and i that's kind of where the start of this podcast came that's where

(00:19:33):
colin and i were like we just want something funny and low-key banter

(00:19:40):
not because the serious meetings are nice when i need them you know but like what

(00:19:45):
about the not serious times what about the times where we just want to laugh about

(00:19:50):
the stupid shit and we're just glad that we're sober today yeah that's what we're

(00:19:55):
kind of looking for

(00:19:56):
And I think most people want that versus getting told to do this and getting like,

(00:20:02):
oh,

(00:20:02):
what were your resentments today?

(00:20:04):
It's like, I don't have resentments every day.

(00:20:06):
I don't need to write down and just harbor on the negative.

(00:20:09):
There is a fun side to it.

(00:20:11):
There is the growth.

(00:20:12):
There's a fun side.

(00:20:13):
There's a growth to it.

(00:20:14):
There's the meeting new people.

(00:20:15):
I've met so many awesome people throughout the years.

(00:20:20):
And also, too, it's just...

(00:20:22):
when you're it's different talking to you rachel i i don't we just met you know 38

(00:20:27):
minutes ago but that we have that commonality of this disease and you know

(00:20:33):
I think just with that, automatically I'm comfortable saying whatever.

(00:20:38):
You know that you're not going to get judged by someone and you know it's not going

(00:20:42):
to reflect negatively.

(00:20:43):
And even better, you'll relate to it.

(00:20:45):
You could tell me a story that's probably similar.

(00:20:48):
And I think that is where the sobriety is.

(00:20:49):
That's where the group therapy of it is.

(00:20:51):
And I feel like that lacks a lot just because it was created in the 1930s or whatever.

(00:20:57):
Like psychology was big.

(00:20:58):
You know, you had the Freudians and everything, but psychology is so much bigger now.

(00:21:02):
It's so much bigger now.

(00:21:04):
And I feel like a lot of us are just it's that it's that mental disease.

(00:21:07):
It's a mental illness that we have.

(00:21:09):
And yes, alcoholism, you could say is a disease.

(00:21:12):
We call it that.

(00:21:14):
DSM calls it the alcohol use disorder.

(00:21:17):
But it's also the depression, the anxiety, the bipolar.

(00:21:20):
It's also like the personality.

(00:21:22):
I think a little too is that I think a lot of alcoholics that...

(00:21:27):
There's different kinds of alcoholics too.

(00:21:29):
Like I think AA is great.

(00:21:32):
And again, I got sober through AA.

(00:21:34):
I have it tattooed on my wrist.

(00:21:36):
I have.

(00:21:36):
Oh, beautiful.

(00:21:37):
Awesome.

(00:21:38):
I left room for my sobriety date because everyone scared me off and was like,

(00:21:41):
don't put your sobriety date.

(00:21:42):
And again, those are like... And those are probably...

(00:21:47):
Well, they're people who had more sobriety than me at the time.

(00:21:50):
And I know that they were saying it from a good place.

(00:21:52):
There's just I think there's this new generation of sobriety coming around.

(00:21:57):
And I would hate to be a part of a meeting where I feel it's so sometimes they

(00:22:03):
don't want to they want to be in like inclusive to the hardcore degree versus like.

(00:22:10):
Hey,

(00:22:10):
we can help each other,

(00:22:12):
like no matter how big or how small,

(00:22:15):
you know,

(00:22:15):
it doesn't have to be a competition of who had the bigger drinking disease or.

(00:22:19):
Oh, and sometimes it gets that way.

(00:22:21):
Yeah.

(00:22:21):
It's sometimes it gets that way.

(00:22:22):
We're like,

(00:22:23):
oh,

(00:22:23):
well I was drunker than you or it's like,

(00:22:25):
whoa,

(00:22:25):
we're going off the other side of the,

(00:22:28):
it's not it's a we're looking for commonalities we're not trying to be different

(00:22:32):
we're trying to be the same like it's the same that i didn't use meth or anything

(00:22:38):
you know but i can tell that the way someone talks about that like with their meth

(00:22:44):
problem which i i always laugh at there the cma and someone's like don't think

(00:22:50):
that's the country music awards yeah

(00:22:52):
They were like, it's the crystal method, anonymous.

(00:22:55):
And it's like,

(00:22:56):
okay,

(00:22:57):
so I might not have done it,

(00:22:58):
but I can totally relate to his cycle of drinking.

(00:23:02):
And then the next day is swearing you're not going to do it.

(00:23:04):
And then you end up doing it again.

(00:23:05):
And like, we can substitute whatever word or drug for that.

(00:23:11):
And I totally get it because I know that feeling.

(00:23:14):
And that's where

(00:23:16):
I stick to the primary purpose of alcohol,

(00:23:18):
but I can totally expand my mind to understand another addiction and understand

(00:23:25):
that like I did recover from alcohol.

(00:23:26):
So I bet you can also recover from insert XYZ.

(00:23:32):
Yes.

(00:23:32):
Yeah.

(00:23:32):
And that's and that's and that's the hardest part.

(00:23:35):
Sometimes it's, you know, understanding your own alcoholism.

(00:23:38):
You know, sometimes it's not defined in the in the big book.

(00:23:42):
It's not defined in the 12 steps.

(00:23:43):
I was a binge drinker.

(00:23:45):
I was never an everyday drinker.

(00:23:46):
I was always huge on the black.

(00:23:48):
It was a binge everyday drink.

(00:23:51):
I did it every day.

(00:23:53):
And there were times where I relate to that completely where it'd be like 10 days

(00:23:58):
straight of getting drunk because I was on a staycation.

(00:24:01):
I just was sitting home.

(00:24:02):
Oh, I can't wait to sit home and drink for 10 days in a row.

(00:24:05):
I just feel like total dog shit.

(00:24:07):
It's always like the different – there's levels to everything.

(00:24:11):
There's levels to everything.

(00:24:12):
And for me, it was hard for me to put a grasp on –

(00:24:16):
How am I an alcoholic?

(00:24:17):
I go to work.

(00:24:18):
I have a good job.

(00:24:20):
I went to college.

(00:24:21):
I was drinking through all of that.

(00:24:24):
An alcoholic would never be able to do what I did, not knowing that.

(00:24:28):
There's always a manipulation people put,

(00:24:29):
and that's another commonality of alcoholics is,

(00:24:32):
well,

(00:24:32):
if I do this,

(00:24:33):
then it's not a math equation.

(00:24:36):
It's not a...

(00:24:39):
drinking plus every day plus liquor, beer, wine, whatever.

(00:24:44):
It's a feeling that you're identifying with.

(00:24:47):
I love that part in the big book when they list.

(00:24:49):
It's like, oh, well, I'm not going to drink beer today.

(00:24:52):
I'm going to drink wine.

(00:24:53):
Oh, I'm not going to drink wine on the weekends.

(00:24:55):
And they had like that whole little list.

(00:24:56):
I tried them all.

(00:24:56):
Yeah, I did them all.

(00:24:58):
I remember reading that and like the very first time to like one of those big book

(00:25:01):
meetings and actually reading that for the first time and being like,

(00:25:04):
same,

(00:25:04):
just like you.

(00:25:04):
I was like, oh, I did all that.

(00:25:06):
Holy smokes.

(00:25:07):
Maybe there is something to this, you know?

(00:25:09):
I remember the stupidest ones.

(00:25:11):
Like,

(00:25:11):
it's just like,

(00:25:12):
oh,

(00:25:12):
maybe it's because I need to do all my liquor first and then I drink wine.

(00:25:16):
Maybe I shouldn't drink wine and then move to liquor.

(00:25:18):
And I'm like,

(00:25:19):
but don't they have that little saying like brown or liquor,

(00:25:23):
liquor,

(00:25:23):
liquor,

(00:25:24):
liquor,

(00:25:25):
whatever.

(00:25:27):
I'm different and I'm backwards and I need to do it the opposite way.

(00:25:30):
Yeah.

(00:25:31):
And,

(00:25:33):
I was obsessed with Captain Morgan's, like Captain and Coke's in college.

(00:25:38):
And then like through the first, like, I want to say like totally 22, 23.

(00:25:41):
That was like my drink.

(00:25:43):
And then but every time it would always be like,

(00:25:45):
oh,

(00:25:45):
man,

(00:25:46):
I drank Captain and Coke and texted this girl.

(00:25:48):
Oh,

(00:25:48):
man,

(00:25:48):
I drank Captain's and Coke and told this girl I love her when I've only been on a

(00:25:52):
first date with her,

(00:25:53):
you know.

(00:25:54):
or a girl from a class that I just shared homework with.

(00:25:59):
I'm like, I don't know.

(00:26:01):
Because Colin and I, the one that we would, and it's so, it was so stupid.

(00:26:05):
So Jameson was our go-to drink, but he loved rum.

(00:26:10):
And he would, with the Kraken.

(00:26:12):
And we would be like, should we unleash the Kraken tonight?

(00:26:15):
And we would get that big-ass handle of Kraken.

(00:26:17):
And it's like, unleash the Kraken!

(00:26:20):
And we're like...

(00:26:21):
It was drink as much as we could till we passed out.

(00:26:23):
It was the worst hangovers, too, because it was so sugary.

(00:26:26):
It was dry.

(00:26:28):
Yeah.

(00:26:29):
We didn't mix it with Coke or anything.

(00:26:30):
We just drank it straight.

(00:26:31):
Yeah.

(00:26:33):
And to have a significant other drinking with and then... Unleash the crack and never forget.

(00:26:39):
Yeah.

(00:26:39):
It's very...

(00:26:42):
I am so proud of both of you being able, because usually it's only one that gets sober.

(00:26:46):
And that's why now here in the meetings,

(00:26:48):
like,

(00:26:49):
you know,

(00:26:49):
my,

(00:26:50):
my spouse,

(00:26:51):
my significant other is an active user,

(00:26:54):
you know,

(00:26:54):
and I'm always like,

(00:26:55):
like,

(00:26:55):
how do you like,

(00:26:56):
I would never be able to do that,

(00:26:57):
you know,

(00:26:57):
because I'd be like,

(00:26:58):
they'd be like,

(00:26:59):
oh,

(00:26:59):
I'm going to waste it.

(00:26:59):
I'd be like, all right, me too.

(00:27:00):
You know, like it was,

(00:27:02):
Well, he said, I mean, if you ask him, he'll say he was waiting for me to crack.

(00:27:06):
Like he said, he was like, I just got to wait out Rachel.

(00:27:09):
And she's going to say, let's go get a bottle of Jamo.

(00:27:12):
And, you know, then I will be waiting for her.

(00:27:15):
And he's like, I just have to outlast her.

(00:27:19):
And because he thought I was the problem.

(00:27:21):
There was a point where he stopped going to meetings because he's like,

(00:27:23):
I don't know that I really have a problem.

(00:27:26):
And I was like, I told my sponsor, I want to leave this man.

(00:27:30):
I can't be in the same house.

(00:27:31):
And I remember yelling at him and he laughed at it down.

(00:27:35):
And I was like, why don't you want to be happy?

(00:27:38):
Why don't you want to be free?

(00:27:40):
Why don't you want the promises?

(00:27:41):
What is wrong with you?

(00:27:43):
And I like wanted to shake him.

(00:27:44):
yeah like it's frustrating it does you receive the promises on the wall why don't

(00:27:48):
you want that life and but you can't do that no you can't every time you like again

(00:27:55):
before i had to really and this is where our marriage grew was when i finally

(00:28:00):
focused on myself but asked did you get sponsored yet did you get sponsored yet and

(00:28:05):
what step are you working what step are you on and it was none of my business and

(00:28:08):
once i started being like you know what i don't care

(00:28:11):
he said he saw a change in me that was like he it validated him so like he stayed

(00:28:17):
dry he never drank so we have the same sobriety date but then he got a sponsor and

(00:28:21):
he's worked the steps and he he's more religiously meeting his sponsor now than i

(00:28:28):
and we've kind of flipped in that way and it's that whole yeah that whole

(00:28:33):
motherhood having a kid thing so there's a difference yeah

(00:28:37):
oh my god but i'm telling you like when i can remember crying in the closet and

(00:28:41):
then yelling at him like why don't you want to be happy yes i'm like it is so

(00:28:46):
simple just work these steps get a sponsor like and i was like reading the promises

(00:28:51):
like well i guess you don't want that you don't want to regret your past you want

(00:28:54):
to just sit there and regret your past for forever calling and i'm sitting there

(00:28:58):
like am i really working my steps by doing that am i be every time i'm belittling

(00:29:03):
in judging and focusing on him, I'm taking away from time.

(00:29:07):
I can recover.

(00:29:08):
And you're building up that resentment, which is, which gets us to the bottom of the bottle.

(00:29:12):
Like,

(00:29:13):
I think that that is,

(00:29:14):
but it took time to,

(00:29:15):
and like,

(00:29:16):
when I say I was that person too,

(00:29:17):
like you had said,

(00:29:19):
reaching out to my sponsor,

(00:29:20):
probably a little more than what even sponsors have reached out to me.

(00:29:24):
Cause I was living with him.

(00:29:26):
And then I would have the fear of like, what if he does come home and drink?

(00:29:29):
Like,

(00:29:31):
do i just take out evan and it's like a scene from a movie it's like i'll never see

(00:29:34):
you again slam the door and slam the door swing swing your hair as you're walking

(00:29:40):
out of the door i was so dramatic with all my thoughts and now i'm like i don't

(00:29:47):
really think about it till it happens i'm pretty much like am i in that moment yet

(00:29:52):
no i'm not gonna let my my fear run my

(00:29:57):
fantasy of like what like I really fear is just diminished and that's like

(00:30:01):
something alcohol was like fuel to the fire it was like let's make this fear bigger

(00:30:06):
and bigger and bigger until it explodes and now I sound like a crazy person yeah

(00:30:10):
you're drunk filing your high school boyfriend being like you know why I hate you

(00:30:15):
it's like

(00:30:16):
Yeah.

(00:30:16):
Did you actually ever really love me or were your bags packed the entire time?

(00:30:20):
Like, yeah.

(00:30:21):
It's like, yeah, you start building those.

(00:30:22):
I mean, I build those fantasies anyway.

(00:30:24):
I build those fantasies sober.

(00:30:26):
You probably even more, more lucidly.

(00:30:28):
Oh, you know, building up them easier though.

(00:30:30):
You can say, Hey, let it go.

(00:30:34):
Give it to God.

(00:30:35):
I think about it later.

(00:30:36):
Like,

(00:30:37):
again in god very fluid word i don't think of it as like the church god that people

(00:30:43):
have grown up with i think of i say can you hand this it's too big for me hold it

(00:30:48):
hold on to it for letting go letting god that's one of my favorites letting go and

(00:30:52):
letting god it's like with anything like the the person in front of you that's

(00:30:56):
paying at the supermarket with all pennies let it go let it go you know pennies

(00:31:01):
anymore bro yeah just kidding exactly

(00:31:04):
No, it's so true.

(00:31:05):
And then that, it's always like the letting go and then always my yets.

(00:31:09):
My yets are a big one.

(00:31:11):
Yeah, okay, I didn't go, I didn't get a DWI yet.

(00:31:15):
I didn't, I'm not homeless yet.

(00:31:17):
I'm not living.

(00:31:18):
I'm not divorced yet.

(00:31:20):
Yeah, yeah.

(00:31:21):
I'm just kidding.

(00:31:22):
No, no, no.

(00:31:23):
We actually,

(00:31:23):
like I said,

(00:31:24):
it's,

(00:31:24):
it's really hard to,

(00:31:26):
I think it's hard not to have a good marriage if you're both practicing your

(00:31:30):
program,

(00:31:31):
because if you're individually working 12 steps,

(00:31:34):
right.

(00:31:34):
And there's really anytime we have, like we share it with each other.

(00:31:39):
And now, I mean, we really don't have too many.

(00:31:42):
Like once we did, it's almost like we did a marriage fourth and fifth step, if you will.

(00:31:47):
And since then it's,

(00:31:50):
Anything that's bugging me, I know is a me problem.

(00:31:52):
And really,

(00:31:53):
It's so crazy.

(00:31:54):
It's like, it's crazy.

(00:31:55):
I wish more couples,

(00:31:57):
even if they didn't have a drinking problem or addiction,

(00:32:00):
like that's why I think we're lucky that we're alcoholics because otherwise we

(00:32:04):
would have never had this good of a marriage.

(00:32:06):
Like there's just no way if we were not addicts that almost destroyed our life that

(00:32:10):
we would actually have this great marriage.

(00:32:13):
I mean, I'm not married.

(00:32:14):
I've never been married.

(00:32:15):
I've been in an awesome relationship.

(00:32:17):
Relationships even.

(00:32:18):
It doesn't matter.

(00:32:19):
Yeah.

(00:32:20):
And it's, it's always that.

(00:32:21):
And friendships.

(00:32:22):
Yeah, friendships too.

(00:32:24):
If you let that sink in, you don't do that step four.

(00:32:27):
You don't face it.

(00:32:28):
You don't do that.

(00:32:30):
And it's always like my sponsor would already say,

(00:32:31):
it's like it's human being practice,

(00:32:33):
like doing the 12 steps because you're not supposed to keep that bottled up because

(00:32:36):
then it blows up and then that could manifest into a divorce.

(00:32:39):
It could manifest into domestic violence.

(00:32:41):
It could manifest into a lot of bad things or even just going back out.

(00:32:46):
And when you practice that human being a human,

(00:32:49):
Hey, listen, Rachel, you're pissing me off.

(00:32:51):
What, why did you do that?

(00:32:53):
Or, um, you know, your husband goes, it's like, most of the time I don't know.

(00:32:56):
I'm like, I had no idea.

(00:32:57):
I felt like most people don't know.

(00:32:59):
Most people don't know that you're,

(00:33:00):
that you smell bad or that,

(00:33:02):
like,

(00:33:02):
you know,

(00:33:02):
you're annoying someone by breathing the way when,

(00:33:04):
when you're,

(00:33:05):
yeah.

(00:33:05):
Like, Oh my God, that's another one.

(00:33:07):
Yeah.

(00:33:07):
The chewing.

(00:33:08):
Oh man.

(00:33:09):
Like, yeah.

(00:33:09):
I can't, I eat by myself.

(00:33:11):
I don't go to the, I don't go to the staff lounge because of that.

(00:33:16):
I literally, I'm like, how do you live with yourself?

(00:33:18):
Yeah.

(00:33:19):
yeah exactly yeah but he's just like sorry i'm like let's drink a smoothie it's

(00:33:28):
funny because i've actually been through my life i've been complimented they're

(00:33:31):
like yo are you breathing over there i'm like what they're like it's you're so

(00:33:34):
quiet and i'm like yeah because other people that are allowed and sitting there

(00:33:38):
annoyed the hell out of me

(00:33:41):
My poor husband.

(00:33:42):
But he knows it's a me thing.

(00:33:44):
I told him, I'm like, it has nothing to do with him.

(00:33:47):
It's not him specifically.

(00:33:49):
It is just in general.

(00:33:50):
And most of the time, there are solutions.

(00:33:52):
We can put TV or music on in the background.

(00:33:55):
That solves it.

(00:33:56):
Or I can leave the room.

(00:33:57):
He can leave the room.

(00:33:58):
Or sometimes now we just laugh about it because it's so ridiculous.

(00:34:02):
How many couples?

(00:34:03):
I'd probably say there's definitely a 75% chance that

(00:34:08):
couples don't do that they'll just sit there and get annoyed and get annoyed and

(00:34:11):
finally like you know the husband or wife drops a book or breaks a dish and all of

(00:34:16):
that energy that you had that's what used to happen yes that's what used to happen

(00:34:20):
now when we drank and colin was the one that would not share and something would

(00:34:25):
break or i or like i threw something because i was a thrower and then he would

(00:34:31):
bubble bubble bubble burst and we would just have one really big argument yeah

(00:34:36):
It was terrible.

(00:34:36):
It was we that doesn't really happen.

(00:34:40):
That's awesome.

(00:34:40):
It doesn't happen at all.

(00:34:42):
I actually, I don't have any big arguments with my friends either.

(00:34:45):
Like,

(00:34:45):
it's not even just marriage,

(00:34:47):
but like,

(00:34:48):
again,

(00:34:48):
as long as I'm like practicing these principles in all my affairs.

(00:34:53):
And of course, I'm not perfect.

(00:34:55):
Like, I still can raise my voice or get aggravated more easily.

(00:34:59):
We all have feelings.

(00:35:00):
It's like, just because you go to AA and you're sober, that's what a lot of people think.

(00:35:02):
It's like, oh, I'm sober now.

(00:35:04):
I shouldn't feel mad.

(00:35:05):
But I don't grow things anymore.

(00:35:07):
I don't like that was the alcohol.

(00:35:10):
That was where like the alcohol was like,

(00:35:13):
hey,

(00:35:13):
we're going to get something that like,

(00:35:15):
really,

(00:35:15):
it shouldn't be that upsetting.

(00:35:17):
And I'm going to like, I'm going to blow this shit up.

(00:35:22):
And it is it is like I get it.

(00:35:24):
And then the drink is like, we're going to do some crazy shit.

(00:35:27):
Yeah, no, and I relate to you there.

(00:35:29):
Like,

(00:35:30):
obviously,

(00:35:30):
it wasn't in a marriage,

(00:35:32):
but there would be times that just everything in my normal life was just bad,

(00:35:35):
bad,

(00:35:36):
bad.

(00:35:36):
And literally, I would go to the bar and look for a fight.

(00:35:40):
Like, yeah, oh, my God.

(00:35:42):
Yeah, and I got into a lot of bar fights.

(00:35:44):
I could see a couple of teeth are fake.

(00:35:46):
You know, like, I've messed myself up.

(00:35:48):
And I've broken my nose.

(00:35:49):
Yeah, like, and it's all because I was angry at something else.

(00:35:53):
And then I went, I wanted to go just take it out.

(00:35:55):
And then you wake up and you're like,

(00:35:57):
What did I do?

(00:35:59):
And now I have to go to work, the thing that made me stress out.

(00:36:02):
Now I have to drink more because I got to figure out how he's out.

(00:36:05):
I remember I hid Colin's phone when I was super angry.

(00:36:10):
I don't even remember about what.

(00:36:12):
And I got so drunk and I couldn't remember where I hid it.

(00:36:16):
And so I was like, my idea was I had to get drunk again.

(00:36:19):
So drunk Rachel could appear to find it because drunk Rachel would know.

(00:36:23):
And I'm like, oh, yeah, that sentence in itself is like what insanity is.

(00:36:30):
And we didn't find it for four days.

(00:36:31):
He ended up getting a new phone and we found it.

(00:36:33):
I hid it in my, in my son's bathroom dresser in like, in like the back of the drawer.

(00:36:39):
And I was like, huh?

(00:36:41):
And I turned it off, of course.

(00:36:42):
And I turned off, find my iPhones.

(00:36:44):
We couldn't find it.

(00:36:44):
I mean, I was, and those are things where,

(00:36:48):
red flag but we that was just normal for me i would hide stuff all the time when i

(00:36:53):
got angry and and you had a guest on recently she was talking about smoking dabs

(00:36:58):
and like throwing up all over the place and being like oh well man i i didn't do

(00:37:02):
that right let me go do it again and that's like the insanity that was me all the

(00:37:06):
time i'm like man i only got through 25 of the 30 of beers in that case man i gotta

(00:37:11):
go to 30 today because i you know i dropped to 25.

(00:37:14):
Who thinks like that?

(00:37:15):
Or, oh, man, I lost the fight in the bar last night.

(00:37:18):
Man, I got to go home and get more wasted because of that.

(00:37:23):
It's the insanity.

(00:37:24):
It's the repeating the same thing and expecting a different result.

(00:37:29):
But back to your point,

(00:37:30):
too,

(00:37:31):
is that that might have been what saved you and gave you that moment of that God

(00:37:35):
set moment that you didn't get that ticket.

(00:37:36):
And you realize,

(00:37:37):
like,

(00:37:38):
had all those other bar fights,

(00:37:40):
all those experiences,

(00:37:41):
all of those other car wrecks had not happened.

(00:37:44):
Like.

(00:37:45):
That might not be of what it took.

(00:37:47):
So that's where I think we full circle learn.

(00:37:49):
I don't regret the past, nor do I want to shut the door.

(00:37:53):
Had any of those things not happened, I wouldn't be right where I am right now talking with you.

(00:37:58):
Like I would not have a podcast.

(00:38:00):
I would not.

(00:38:01):
Both of us.

(00:38:01):
I would not want to either.

(00:38:02):
Yeah.

(00:38:03):
I would be, I would be on the couch right now.

(00:38:05):
on the couch right now probably getting drunk and watching netflix or something you

(00:38:07):
know like yeah and that's the insanity if i was alive exactly yes and that and

(00:38:14):
that's one of the things i always like i believe in parallel universes i feel like

(00:38:17):
there's like you know there's a there's a me and there's a you and a thousand of us

(00:38:20):
all over the place so bad for that drunk race

(00:38:22):
well that that's what i always say i'm like i'm like man i wonder what drunk

(00:38:25):
danny's doing in that universe right now not much exactly exactly exactly and it's

(00:38:32):
also like a realization too like no i like this probably i like this universe that

(00:38:36):
i'm in right now i don't want to be in that you know i don't even want to think

(00:38:39):
about that universe even though like that there's always that drunk mind it's

(00:38:42):
always like oh yeah you you could drink you two years and a half that's fine

(00:38:47):
no one will know and that was another another guest that talked about that uh they

(00:38:51):
they will never know you know if i just get drunk by myself here if i'm at my house

(00:38:55):
no one knows the liquor store the guy liquor store might know but you know that's

(00:38:59):
the gap that and that is where i know

(00:39:02):
You know,

(00:39:03):
I know all this knowing,

(00:39:04):
but that that is what I know that I would feel horrific if I did,

(00:39:08):
you know,

(00:39:09):
so not.

(00:39:10):
That's what was eating you.

(00:39:11):
And then you'd have that fourth step and that's where it builds.

(00:39:14):
And if you noticed all of the stories in the more about alcoholism,

(00:39:18):
they all talk about they each start with someone who has a resentment,

(00:39:22):
who was sober.

(00:39:23):
They all start all four stories sober and they end up taking that first drink.

(00:39:28):
Yes, it's insanity.

(00:39:32):
Yeah.

(00:39:33):
And it's I love the story with the businessman where he was like, I was fine.

(00:39:38):
I was sober.

(00:39:38):
But then I heard the people having a party inside the bar.

(00:39:43):
And he's like, No, don't go in there.

(00:39:44):
No, don't go in there.

(00:39:45):
Oh, maybe I'll just go in and talk to some people.

(00:39:47):
Or he's like, I'm just going to go in and have a sandwich.

(00:39:49):
There's no whiskey with milk.

(00:39:52):
The milk, yes.

(00:39:52):
I was thinking, as you were just about saying, I was like, something about milk is in there.

(00:39:57):
Whiskey and milk.

(00:39:57):
And he goes, oh, I've never done whiskey with milk in it.

(00:40:00):
So the resentment that he's going in is he is mad because he's driving to a job.

(00:40:06):
He's a salesman.

(00:40:07):
And he now works for...

(00:40:10):
Someone who he used to be the boss of and because he lost that due to drinking.

(00:40:14):
And so he's like, I'm on my way.

(00:40:16):
And I used to be this guy's boss.

(00:40:19):
Like, how does he think that I'm going to end up being working for him?

(00:40:22):
And so now he's resentment because he's now not the boss.

(00:40:27):
And he goes, oh, I'm going to stop in.

(00:40:28):
I need to get lunch.

(00:40:29):
Oh, well.

(00:40:31):
You have that thought of I used to be the boss.

(00:40:34):
I'm now in discomfort.

(00:40:35):
I'm not content with myself.

(00:40:37):
I'm going to get a sandwich.

(00:40:38):
And then you see whiskey.

(00:40:39):
Oh, I've never done it with milk.

(00:40:40):
Rationalization done.

(00:40:41):
Yep.

(00:40:42):
There you go.

(00:40:42):
Boom.

(00:40:43):
And that's all you need.

(00:40:43):
You need that one little.

(00:40:45):
Oh, yeah, sure.

(00:40:46):
Oh, yeah.

(00:40:46):
Yeah.

(00:40:47):
Go, go.

(00:40:47):
Yeah, that's fine.

(00:40:48):
Yeah.

(00:40:48):
The jaywalker is a big story in the treatment centers because we would take

(00:40:51):
meetings to the treatment center.

(00:40:53):
And, you know, the jaywalker hurts his arm.

(00:40:56):
Doesn't matter.

(00:40:57):
And now he runs, breaks both of his legs.

(00:41:01):
It's like, why do you keep trying to jaywalk when you keep getting hurt?

(00:41:05):
That is the setting ourselves on fire type of thing,

(00:41:08):
especially in the alcoholism or in the drug use or gambling.

(00:41:11):
I see gambling now, especially with these apps, you know, like the DraftKings and all that.

(00:41:16):
Hey, do your thing.

(00:41:17):
Do your thing.

(00:41:18):
I mean,

(00:41:18):
yeah,

(00:41:19):
if you're into that,

(00:41:20):
I love sports,

(00:41:20):
but I've never been one to like bet money because I don't understand it.

(00:41:25):
Yet people don't,

(00:41:26):
you know,

(00:41:27):
a bettor would probably be like,

(00:41:27):
yo,

(00:41:28):
you drank a bottle of Jameson by yourself.

(00:41:29):
It's like,

(00:41:30):
Yeah.

(00:41:30):
Yeah.

(00:41:31):
Yeah.

(00:41:31):
Exactly.

(00:41:31):
Yeah.

(00:41:32):
That's what that's weird to you.

(00:41:34):
You know, like they're the same.

(00:41:36):
It's all the insanity.

(00:41:37):
Yes.

(00:41:38):
And then it's like feeling.

(00:41:39):
Yes.

(00:41:39):
And it's like and I feel that sometimes.

(00:41:42):
And like sometimes you kind of like,

(00:41:43):
you know,

(00:41:43):
when you're in sobriety,

(00:41:44):
you know,

(00:41:45):
it's at the beginning,

(00:41:46):
it's kind of hard to not to tell people,

(00:41:47):
you know,

(00:41:47):
I'm so.

(00:41:47):
Yeah.

(00:41:48):
But especially like people at work, you feel like I'm the secret.

(00:41:52):
Yes, exactly.

(00:41:53):
And you want to tell people about it.

(00:41:54):
It's like, yo, you'll feel so much better if you don't have that third drink, you know?

(00:41:57):
But then you feel that you realize you can't, you don't have the power to do that.

(00:42:02):
And people don't like it.

(00:42:03):
And people will take it the wrong way.

(00:42:05):
The better way is just to be an example.

(00:42:08):
And they're going to be like, what is that guy doing?

(00:42:10):
Like, why is he so happy?

(00:42:11):
I think that's one of the big things with me.

(00:42:13):
It's, uh, number one, my face slimmed down.

(00:42:15):
Like I look at pictures of myself on Facebook from like three years ago.

(00:42:19):
I had that inflated retention.

(00:42:21):
I was a spot.

(00:42:23):
Oh yes.

(00:42:25):
You could like squeeze my cheeks and make a mixed drink out of it.

(00:42:28):
Oh, I need another shot of James.

(00:42:30):
And it's like, oh, my face isn't puffy enough.

(00:42:32):
And I can even Hollywood talk about it.

(00:42:33):
People in Hollywood talk about it.

(00:42:34):
Like,

(00:42:34):
oh,

(00:42:35):
you know,

(00:42:35):
take a couple of shots before going out on The Tonight Show because it makes your

(00:42:38):
face look nicer.

(00:42:38):
It's like, no, it doesn't, man.

(00:42:40):
That's not the way to do it.

(00:42:41):
Just get some moisturizer.

(00:42:43):
Yeah, get some moisturizer.

(00:42:43):
That's what you need.

(00:42:45):
Yes, exactly.

(00:42:46):
Exactly.

(00:42:48):
Don't say that.

(00:42:49):
It's not it's not true, guy.

(00:42:51):
It's not true.

(00:42:52):
And that and that is but that is the insanity of it.

(00:42:55):
You know,

(00:42:55):
it's and we always go back to that when you were when you finally went some stuff

(00:43:03):
from like drinking,

(00:43:04):
like,

(00:43:04):
you know,

(00:43:04):
the Jameson with your husband and all that to like the first like what were those

(00:43:08):
first few days for you?

(00:43:10):
Were you depressed or were you riding that pink cloud of that third day of not drinking?

(00:43:14):
You're like, I feel so good.

(00:43:15):
I can't.

(00:43:16):
I don't.

(00:43:17):
Well, I also have a two-year-old.

(00:43:20):
And I was a stay-at-home mom because I still say I don't think that desire chip

(00:43:24):
left my hand for probably the first week.

(00:43:27):
It could have been imprinted that I was just like...

(00:43:31):
I mean, I remember wanting a drink.

(00:43:33):
I remember texting my mom because I had that list of phone numbers,

(00:43:37):
but I did not have the courage to like reach out to some stranger,

(00:43:40):
even though they all are like on that newcomer packet.

(00:43:44):
It's like call.

(00:43:44):
I still have it.

(00:43:45):
I have it in my I have like four of them still.

(00:43:48):
Yeah,

(00:43:48):
I keep them like I think it was just really I just kept saying I can make it to the

(00:43:52):
next meeting.

(00:43:53):
Like I can make it because I would go to the 6 p.m.

(00:43:55):
My mom would come over and watch the baby.

(00:43:58):
So so I praise you so much for being a mom and getting.

(00:44:00):
So how did you do it, though?

(00:44:02):
Me?

(00:44:03):
I was horrifically depressed.

(00:44:05):
Like, I want to say that.

(00:44:06):
And I was going by that point, it wasn't even a breakup.

(00:44:09):
It was an obsession on my side.

(00:44:11):
I was obsessed with this girl.

(00:44:13):
And that obsession was like the main point of my drinking,

(00:44:17):
especially towards the end,

(00:44:18):
especially when I found that she was dating somebody else.

(00:44:20):
You know, you hear that and you're like, oh, my God.

(00:44:23):
She's gone forever.

(00:44:25):
And yeah,

(00:44:26):
so I think it was remnants of that,

(00:44:28):
but also just the point of me being depressed about,

(00:44:32):
I know I'm going to F this up.

(00:44:33):
I know that I'm like, I'm going to try to get sober.

(00:44:36):
This guy, the sponsor, he's being so nice.

(00:44:39):
He's calling me like twice a day,

(00:44:40):
making sure I'm good,

(00:44:41):
making sure what meeting I'm going to and everything.

(00:44:43):
And I love that.

(00:44:44):
However, I was like, man, I'm going to let this guy down.

(00:44:47):
I'm going to let my friend from college down.

(00:44:49):
I'm going to let my family down.

(00:44:51):
It's a depression.

(00:44:51):
That's the depression.

(00:44:53):
Yeah.

(00:44:54):
So exactly.

(00:44:55):
So I had been going to, um, a mental health counselor for about two years before I got sober.

(00:45:02):
I went,

(00:45:02):
um,

(00:45:03):
so I,

(00:45:03):
I,

(00:45:04):
I was at the finish line in 2013 at the Boston marathon when they bombed it.

(00:45:09):
And, um, I actually went, yeah, I wound up doing CPR on the Asian, um,

(00:45:14):
the Asian exchange student that passed away.

(00:45:19):
And that was drilled in my head for about a year without not talking to anyone about it.

(00:45:23):
Everyone knew that something was wrong with Danny,

(00:45:25):
but no one really,

(00:45:26):
because I was with coworkers at the finish line.

(00:45:30):
So when I was messed up and I got a psychiatrist, the hospital actually provided a psychiatrist

(00:45:38):
And she wound up being awesome and it worked out really well.

(00:45:42):
And then like, you know, I got better.

(00:45:43):
I was fine.

(00:45:44):
All right, cool.

(00:45:45):
I maybe got like eight months of sobriety in that time.

(00:45:48):
I did not touch a mental health counselor or a psychiatrist for almost six,

(00:45:52):
seven years after that.

(00:45:54):
And then finally,

(00:45:55):
when I was going to him,

(00:45:57):
but,

(00:45:57):
you know,

(00:45:58):
I was still drinking,

(00:45:58):
but telling him I wasn't.

(00:45:59):
Oh, I didn't drink today.

(00:46:01):
And sometimes I'd even be so hungover in there.

(00:46:03):
Yeah.

(00:46:04):
And like you, you lie, you get really good at lying.

(00:46:06):
That's always the stupid power.

(00:46:09):
Yeah.

(00:46:09):
Oh, oh, big time.

(00:46:10):
Oh, you weren't that drunk last night.

(00:46:13):
Then you get phone calls like, yeah, dude, you were pretty wasted last night.

(00:46:15):
You know,

(00:46:16):
like it becomes like a compulsive lie that it's like you don't even understand that

(00:46:19):
you're lying at that point.

(00:46:21):
Like that's how it was for me anyway.

(00:46:23):
No, no, no.

(00:46:23):
It is because it's your truth and you don't think you're lying because you're

(00:46:26):
expressing your truth,

(00:46:28):
even though everybody else in the bar was like,

(00:46:29):
no,

(00:46:29):
that's not the truth.

(00:46:31):
You were you were doing cartwheels without your shirt on.

(00:46:33):
It's like, what?

(00:46:35):
What?

(00:46:35):
Really?

(00:46:36):
We literally have the video if you'd like to see it.

(00:46:38):
And I'm like, that's how it happened.

(00:46:40):
Yeah,

(00:46:40):
that's the best thing,

(00:46:41):
because I like I feel like when iPhones came out,

(00:46:43):
I was getting tamer in my 30s.

(00:46:45):
So it was there's not videos of me, but Jesus.

(00:46:48):
When I got the mental, when I got sober and I was I'm a big note taker.

(00:46:53):
I'm really I love like,

(00:46:54):
you know,

(00:46:55):
especially if I'm in the meeting or I'm not even in a meeting and I like my

(00:47:00):
counselor counseling session.

(00:47:02):
I write that I fold a paper and four and have like a little bit of writing.

(00:47:06):
And I had all these,

(00:47:07):
all this chicken scratch for years,

(00:47:09):
for those two years that I was going to him and lying the whole time.

(00:47:12):
But there was such golden stuff in there.

(00:47:14):
So I want to say like that first week I was like binge eating,

(00:47:18):
you know,

(00:47:18):
I was like,

(00:47:18):
you know,

(00:47:19):
like a Big Mac will help,

(00:47:20):
you know,

(00:47:21):
and.

(00:47:22):
Or five.

(00:47:22):
Yeah, exactly.

(00:47:23):
Exactly.

(00:47:24):
And it was, it was that, it was that.

(00:47:26):
And then finally I started like reading back those notes.

(00:47:29):
Once again, a godsend, you know, like one of those, like, man, why am I writing this down?

(00:47:33):
You know, it's like almost like a parallel universe telling you to, you know,

(00:47:35):
Write this stuff down.

(00:47:36):
You know, you're going to use it.

(00:47:37):
You're going to you're going to use it.

(00:47:39):
Yeah.

(00:47:39):
Yeah.

(00:47:40):
And then and literally I went back to that and then boom, it all started making sense.

(00:47:46):
It all like all this all like the this.

(00:47:49):
What is it?

(00:47:50):
What's the word?

(00:47:52):
personal development the personal development stuff that my mental health counselor

(00:47:56):
taught me though at those first two years that i wouldn't listen to but wrote down

(00:48:00):
all that started making sense like wow like within the first week people were like

(00:48:05):
um my two friends that i speak to all the time they were like dude yeah you you

(00:48:09):
sound sober this is the first time i've heard you talk normal to me in months and

(00:48:13):
i'd be like yeah yeah

(00:48:14):
And I was like kind of like almost post pandemic where like everyone we saw and

(00:48:18):
really seen a lot of people face forward,

(00:48:20):
especially me because I worked in health care.

(00:48:22):
No one wanted to see me.

(00:48:23):
But the the that translation, I was like, oh, OK, maybe that does work.

(00:48:29):
OK, maybe this is working.

(00:48:31):
And then going back to the personal development of being like, hey, you do better.

(00:48:35):
You look better.

(00:48:36):
You feel better when you're working out.

(00:48:38):
you look better you feel better when you're not drinking you look better you feel

(00:48:43):
better if you're not binge eat i'm a i love fast i still love fast food i saw a

(00:48:47):
psychiatrist pre-sobriety and post-sobriety and me too yeah um big and obviously i

(00:48:54):
lied i think i read my intake form and i was like jesus christ like i was like i i

(00:49:01):
had said like

(00:49:03):
I have three shots of whiskey before the baby goes to bed.

(00:49:08):
And then I have a couple of glasses of wine after the baby's asleep.

(00:49:10):
And I was like, where did no one red flag me?

(00:49:14):
Like who has shots of Jameson and then ends the night with some wine?

(00:49:20):
I love that you bring up Jameson.

(00:49:21):
That was my last shot when I told you when I was at that bar on the bad date.

(00:49:25):
I have a picture of it.

(00:49:26):
I have a picture of the tall boy.

(00:49:27):
It's a craft beer up here.

(00:49:29):
It's called the Lord Hobo.

(00:49:31):
Really, really good Massachusetts.

(00:49:33):
And that's one thing I will say.

(00:49:34):
Craft beers, Jesus, they're like a million calories.

(00:49:38):
But that was my ending.

(00:49:39):
That was because I was like, Jesus, these beers are like a 3,000%.

(00:49:43):
Like, what am I doing?

(00:49:45):
And then in the white... You texted the craft too, yeah, yeah.

(00:49:47):
Yeah, and then also like the white claws because they were easy to go down.

(00:49:51):
And the last girl that I dated loved those.

(00:49:54):
So I got into those and then boom, when that Jameson shot, I still have it.

(00:49:59):
It's like a tall boy of Lord Hobo and then a shot of Jameson.

(00:50:03):
And it's like, as soon as you said Jameson, I still have it in my camera.

(00:50:07):
That was my last drink.

(00:50:09):
Yeah, that was my last drink.

(00:50:10):
And I'm so happy that even in a blacked out moment,

(00:50:12):
I took a picture of my last drink because that is intense to think that

(00:50:17):
Man, that I can't believe you didn't know how significant that picture.

(00:50:20):
I didn't know my last drink would be my last drink.

(00:50:22):
So I didn't take a picture.

(00:50:23):
I still remember it, though.

(00:50:25):
Like, I mean, I will never forget like that.

(00:50:28):
just that moment of like couldn't do it anymore being drunk at the zoo um oh yes i

(00:50:34):
did that once yeah then it was yeah it's uh but j and we almost named evan was

(00:50:42):
jameson was the other name we had really good that's how we got here we were drunk

(00:50:45):
on jameson when we found out like i mean oh yeah literally our lives ran around

(00:50:50):
alcohol and i'm thankful for

(00:50:53):
He looked like an Evan.

(00:50:55):
He's Evan.

(00:50:56):
Because I don't know how it would be sober with,

(00:50:59):
like,

(00:50:59):
oh,

(00:51:00):
yeah,

(00:51:00):
well,

(00:51:00):
did you name your son Jameson?

(00:51:03):
Or how much you loved it?

(00:51:04):
Because that's what we almost did.

(00:51:07):
Yeah.

(00:51:08):
It's insane the way, like, how our habits, like, creep into other stuff.

(00:51:12):
I wish I had a picture.

(00:51:13):
I think that's really,

(00:51:14):
really cool that you're,

(00:51:15):
like,

(00:51:15):
and it's very...

(00:51:16):
Yeah,

(00:51:18):
I just,

(00:51:19):
I didn't know my life.

(00:51:20):
I still remember it, but...

(00:51:22):
I think it had to be that way.

(00:51:23):
Like if I would have tried to make it this like goodbye,

(00:51:27):
which I tried many times to be like,

(00:51:29):
this is a perfect last meal,

(00:51:32):
last drink.

(00:51:33):
And it would be so glorified.

(00:51:36):
And then the next day it's like,

(00:51:39):
I'm not ready to let it go.

(00:51:40):
We build it to what it's not.

(00:51:41):
It's not really like that.

(00:51:43):
And like, I think back to my drinking and it was really, the moments were not that great.

(00:51:49):
You know, it was the idea of the whining and dining and like,

(00:51:55):
High end shots.

(00:51:57):
You know, that's not how it looked.

(00:51:58):
I was sloppy.

(00:51:59):
I forgot the night.

(00:52:00):
And most of the times I said it a bunch of stuff that I really wish I hadn't said.

(00:52:05):
Yeah.

(00:52:05):
Or are you like you're being calmed down because you're being loud and drunk and

(00:52:08):
you know,

(00:52:09):
but,

(00:52:09):
oh,

(00:52:09):
I had a great time.

(00:52:10):
Oh, last night was so much fun.

(00:52:11):
And then like, there's like,

(00:52:13):
yeah i don't know about fun but i'm so i'm sorry for all the embarrassing shit i

(00:52:18):
said and i'm that loud guy even even now like talking here i feel like i'm like i'm

(00:52:24):
like equilatering you um i was always that guy like as soon as like the the beer

(00:52:29):
hit the lips it was like yo what's the deal start freestyle rapping and like yeah

(00:52:34):
oh my god and that was a lot of times why people wanted to start fights with me

(00:52:37):
because I was just being obnoxious you know and and but I thought I always thought

(00:52:42):
yo I am the coolest person drunk you want people want to get my friend yeah

(00:52:46):
everyone wants it oh I had like three I had three girls talking to me last and I

(00:52:50):
got two numbers

(00:52:51):
i'm not doing anything wrong when like you know they definitely gave me the wrong

(00:52:54):
number or they gave me a number with like eight digits you know it's like oh my god

(00:52:58):
it's once again the insanity but yeah i that was my obsession with drinking was i

(00:53:04):
thought i was the coolest guy in the room only if i was drunk because if i'm not

(00:53:07):
drunk i'm a nerd who you know went to school has a great job pays all his bills but

(00:53:14):
i'm terrible quality horrific who

(00:53:17):
Who wants to marry a guy like that?

(00:53:18):
You know,

(00:53:19):
disease telling you're not good enough,

(00:53:22):
which he totally,

(00:53:23):
you know,

(00:53:24):
and in sobriety,

(00:53:25):
at least the more time I've spent,

(00:53:27):
it's I get to know who I actually am.

(00:53:29):
And I learned that I actually like myself a lot more than what that alcohol used to

(00:53:35):
tell me how terrible or how ruined.

(00:53:38):
crazy bat shit is another word i used to use like you're such a piece of shit that

(00:53:45):
you need me the alcohol you need me the alcohol to make you a better person and

(00:53:49):
that is you know that is such a tunnel down like the darkness you know and that was

(00:53:53):
me every day for all those years the alcohol told me that why the alcohol was like

(00:53:57):
you suck without me

(00:53:59):
yes boom and really exactly that exactly it sucks with it like it it was the the

(00:54:07):
devil that was really pulling me down and it took time and like you asked about the

(00:54:13):
beginning i don't i i remember wanting it i don't really remember when i stopped

(00:54:21):
wanting it or stopped thinking about it they talk about in aa that neutrality is

(00:54:26):
you're just like

(00:54:28):
You're not for it.

(00:54:28):
You're not against it.

(00:54:29):
You don't crave it.

(00:54:30):
You don't want it.

(00:54:32):
You pull away like a hot flame.

(00:54:34):
And I can't really tell you when it happens.

(00:54:38):
It's kind of like when you just keep doing it till it happens.

(00:54:43):
And the minute you stop thinking about it, it's like, oh my God, it's happening.

(00:54:48):
And then you turn around and now you get to tell someone else about it and it only

(00:54:53):
strengthens what you're doing.

(00:54:55):
And that's kind of the whole program.

(00:54:57):
Yeah.

(00:54:57):
And that's,

(00:54:58):
and that was,

(00:54:59):
um,

(00:54:59):
when you were saying that I,

(00:55:01):
I remembered in about,

(00:55:02):
so I got sober in August and then it was one of my best friend's weddings.

(00:55:06):
I think that November and,

(00:55:07):
you know,

(00:55:08):
it was only four or five months over my,

(00:55:10):
my sponsor was like,

(00:55:10):
yeah.

(00:55:12):
And that, and I was part of the wedding party.

(00:55:13):
So I was one of his groomsmen.

(00:55:15):
So,

(00:55:15):
you know,

(00:55:15):
like you've been to weddings,

(00:55:16):
you know,

(00:55:16):
when you're part of the wedding party,

(00:55:17):
you'd be like basically a little celebrity in that,

(00:55:19):
you know,

(00:55:20):
reception.

(00:55:21):
Yeah.

(00:55:21):
Yeah.

(00:55:23):
And, and, and honestly, up until, up until this wedding, this was my first sober wedding.

(00:55:27):
It was kind of like that too.

(00:55:28):
I'd always be,

(00:55:29):
I'd always behave myself,

(00:55:30):
you know,

(00:55:30):
with,

(00:55:31):
for like the ceremony and the pictures and make sure that I make myself look good

(00:55:34):
because I don't want,

(00:55:34):
I want to still look good.

(00:55:36):
But yeah,

(00:55:36):
I was always that guy in the pictures later on,

(00:55:38):
like,

(00:55:38):
you know,

(00:55:38):
holding up like the empty champagne bottle and all that.

(00:55:41):
I didn't make it in the pictures.

(00:55:43):
They cut those eyes are too crooked.

(00:55:47):
I was overweight too.

(00:55:50):
It's always,

(00:55:51):
and then that first wedding when I went sober and I had my numbers ready and my

(00:55:55):
sponsor was ready.

(00:55:56):
He's like, don't worry about it.

(00:55:57):
We got you.

(00:55:58):
We got you.

(00:55:59):
I went to a meeting in New York and then that was the thing is when I was there at

(00:56:02):
the wedding and I was like seeing everybody else drunk and then seeing the fights,

(00:56:07):
the little quarrels that people have when they're at the bar,

(00:56:09):
they're arguing about the New York Giants.

(00:56:11):
Next thing you know, it's like they're digging into stuff from high school.

(00:56:14):
I was sitting back and I was like,

(00:56:16):
oh wow I'm not part of like no one's mad at me right now yeah no one's mad at me

(00:56:22):
yes exactly and I was like and that was my moment that's my realization at that

(00:56:28):
wedding when I was like okay I'm not the guy that got cut off at the bar one of my

(00:56:31):
friends got cut off at the after party one of them I was hanging out with the wives

(00:56:36):
and that was one of the first times I ever hung out with the wives because the

(00:56:38):
wives kind of I wouldn't say hated me but I was the drunk friend you know like a

(00:56:41):
drunk unmarried friend and they have kids and stuff

(00:56:45):
Yeah, exactly.

(00:56:47):
I,

(00:56:48):
I was hanging out with them and they were like,

(00:56:50):
Oh my God,

(00:56:50):
Danny,

(00:56:50):
this is your,

(00:56:51):
this is not,

(00:56:52):
this is not the Danny I've known for the last 15 years.

(00:56:54):
And I'm like,

(00:56:55):
I'm like,

(00:56:55):
yeah,

(00:56:55):
you know,

(00:56:55):
the sobriety that,

(00:56:56):
you know,

(00:56:57):
cause I didn't want to vocalize like being sober at a wedding,

(00:56:59):
you know?

(00:57:00):
And yeah, that was my realization of being like,

(00:57:03):
I'm not part of the drunk crowd and I kind of like it, you know, it's.

(00:57:07):
Oh my God.

(00:57:08):
And I don't know about you,

(00:57:08):
but the first sober wedding I went to and I same,

(00:57:12):
actually it was,

(00:57:13):
um,

(00:57:14):
I was doing a,

(00:57:15):
uh,

(00:57:15):
girl,

(00:57:16):
a palooza that they had here in Dallas.

(00:57:18):
It's like a, a women's, uh, AA conference.

(00:57:20):
Cool.

(00:57:21):
And I did that during the day and had the wedding first one.

(00:57:24):
And I was like, Oh my God, what if I want to drink?

(00:57:26):
Like, yeah.

(00:57:27):
And then there's at this wedding,

(00:57:29):
because at that point I wasn't like completely I was I didn't really want alcohol,

(00:57:34):
but I'd never been at a wedding and it was a drinking wedding.

(00:57:38):
And I just remember how much I enjoyed being like watching the actual wedding and

(00:57:45):
like watching my two friends get married that like and watch the vows like.

(00:57:49):
I'd never been like.

(00:57:52):
Before,

(00:57:53):
it had always been about the drinking or making sure I'm not too drunk or I'm not

(00:57:57):
drunk enough.

(00:57:57):
And I'm more so worried about myself.

(00:58:00):
I didn't watch the wedding.

(00:58:01):
And my first time in sobriety, it was like, this is beautiful.

(00:58:04):
It is.

(00:58:05):
It is.

(00:58:06):
Yes.

(00:58:07):
Weddings are.

(00:58:08):
They really, really are.

(00:58:09):
Awesome.

(00:58:09):
And I feel badly for all the ones I wasn't present for because I can tell you,

(00:58:14):
I don't think I really understood or really listened to

(00:58:18):
Or watched the wedding.

(00:58:20):
And thankfully, it was at the Arboretum.

(00:58:22):
It was beautiful.

(00:58:23):
I just felt like it was the first time I was able to be comfortable in my own skin,

(00:58:30):
be fully present.

(00:58:32):
And I didn't even want to drink.

(00:58:33):
It didn't look good.

(00:58:34):
And I also noticed people weren't really drinking as much as what I would have been.

(00:58:38):
I was the wild card.

(00:58:41):
Yes.

(00:58:42):
And that's what you realize.

(00:58:43):
You're always like, Oh, I'm not the drunkest here.

(00:58:45):
But then when you're not the drunk one,

(00:58:46):
you're like,

(00:58:47):
man,

(00:58:47):
I would be the drunkest here right now.

(00:58:49):
Like everyone's like, we want to get remarried and we want to do like a vow.

(00:58:54):
And we want to do it because I don't think that we looked at the wedding,

(00:58:58):
like how we do in sobriety.

(00:59:00):
It's like,

(00:59:02):
we want to be present.

(00:59:03):
And I know before it was very rushed.

(00:59:05):
It was, I was pregnant.

(00:59:07):
So technically I was sober, but that was the hardest I had fought not to drink.

(00:59:11):
I wanted Jameson's so badly.

(00:59:12):
And I, I almost did, but I didn't do it because I knew I wanted.

(00:59:16):
I worked in the delivery room for two years and I see what you women go through for birth.

(00:59:21):
I I'm like, why in my head, I would always be like, how are you not allowed to drink?

(00:59:26):
No, no, we had Jameson's in the delivery.

(00:59:28):
Like I had that after.

(00:59:30):
But it's so scary.

(00:59:31):
I can't even imagine.

(00:59:33):
But it was,

(00:59:35):
yeah,

(00:59:36):
weddings or any really events that I used to get invited to that I would just look

(00:59:41):
at party after.

(00:59:43):
Now I'm like,

(00:59:45):
I want people to come to our vow renewal and I know that they're going to be there

(00:59:48):
for our vows to watch us renew and not just for a party.

(00:59:53):
Cause I think before I was very shallow in the fact of like what's in it for me.

(00:59:58):
And like the beautiful gift of that first sober wedding was like,

(01:00:02):
Oh my God,

(01:00:03):
it was really,

(01:00:04):
we felt lucky to be a part of what,

(01:00:06):
like just being allowed to watch or witness it.

(01:00:09):
It was like,

(01:00:10):
Didn't care as much about the after part as like I'm like the wedding part.

(01:00:15):
You know what I mean?

(01:00:16):
The drunkenness would overshadow everything else.

(01:00:19):
Like I remember.

(01:00:20):
Yeah, I was.

(01:00:20):
Oh, my God.

(01:00:21):
I'll never forget this.

(01:00:21):
I was at my little sister's high school graduation.

(01:00:24):
I was two years into college already.

(01:00:26):
It was a Sunday.

(01:00:26):
I know it was like I think like a Saturday.

(01:00:29):
I had gotten wrecked that Friday all night in New York and Manhattan.

(01:00:33):
with my new york friends because that's where everybody lives um and then like got

(01:00:37):
home at like three in the morning and then went to her graduation at like nine in

(01:00:40):
the morning like wrecked and you're not enjoying it no oh my god i couldn't wait to

(01:00:43):
leave i was like oh just and and like it's so selfish you know it's it's nuts and

(01:00:48):
then even my uh my sister's wedding um she i i was out to like five and i went to a

(01:00:54):
yankee game the night before and then wound up getting trashed over because it's uh

(01:00:58):
that was the new yankees that was at the year that they made the new yankee stadium

(01:01:01):
and they made a bunch of bars and clubs and

(01:01:03):
It was beautiful.

(01:01:04):
It was awesome.

(01:01:04):
It was a great night out.

(01:01:05):
But once again, blacked out, woke up on alcohol.

(01:01:08):
Yeah, the suit on and they went to my sister's wedding.

(01:01:10):
And and it's like, oh, my God, when I look back on that, it's like you're so selfish.

(01:01:16):
You're like you're not.

(01:01:17):
I wasn't taking my inventory.

(01:01:19):
You see you see all the stuff pop in your head.

(01:01:21):
You're like, oh, you didn't do this.

(01:01:22):
You weren't, you know, like caring for other people.

(01:01:24):
You know, you're being so selfish.

(01:01:26):
You're edging God out.

(01:01:28):
and that and that is always the conclusion that I draw to myself it's like you have

(01:01:31):
to remember that like yeah you were functional and people loved that you were there

(01:01:35):
but people love you so much more when you're present like you stated yeah and how I

(01:01:39):
felt and now I'm like my amend is like I don't ever want to do that again I don't

(01:01:44):
ever want to go to a wedding and not be as present as possible you know and like of

(01:01:50):
course that's again what puts like

(01:01:55):
the the part of what amazing is like not drinking you know like the full circle of

(01:02:02):
we talk about it and we can talk about all these crazy yeah fun not fun times and

(01:02:09):
you get to just like really appreciate the moments that i'm sure most people don't

(01:02:14):
really think about no and and that and that is because we were at such a bottom

(01:02:19):
Yeah.

(01:02:19):
And that's because we were at such a bottom that now,

(01:02:21):
you know,

(01:02:22):
even seeing a little kid laugh in the supermarket makes you happy.

(01:02:25):
It's like, oh, my God, it's so great.

(01:02:27):
You know, it's perfect.

(01:02:28):
It's perfect.

(01:02:29):
It's pure.

(01:02:29):
It's joy.

(01:02:30):
It's it's not manipulated.

(01:02:33):
You know, that's what it is.

(01:02:34):
Yes.

(01:02:35):
What I wanted to ask was, do you agree with the group therapy part of AA?

(01:02:43):
That's one of the things I feel like it gets lost in people sometimes.

(01:02:46):
Like, oh, I don't like to go to AA.

(01:02:47):
It's like, no, it's like, yes, okay, you could whatever.

(01:02:50):
You call yourself an alcoholic or think maybe you don't have a problem or you're

(01:02:53):
there because a judge tells you to do it.

(01:02:55):
But there is such a,

(01:02:56):
the one thing I never realized,

(01:02:58):
because I always thought one-on-one psychology,

(01:03:00):
you know,

(01:03:00):
me lay on the couch,

(01:03:01):
just your typical Freudian,

(01:03:02):
you know,

(01:03:03):
painting that you see.

(01:03:04):
I don't like Freudian.

(01:03:06):
Yeah.

(01:03:06):
Well, okay.

(01:03:07):
I'll use a psychologist.

(01:03:08):
No, I'm kidding.

(01:03:09):
I mean, there's, Freud just had a lot of extreme.

(01:03:12):
Oh, yeah, of course.

(01:03:13):
Outside of the therapy.

(01:03:14):
Like, I'm getting my bachelor's in psychology.

(01:03:17):
Oh, beautiful.

(01:03:18):
Nice.

(01:03:18):
Beautiful.

(01:03:19):
I'm like,

(01:03:19):
Freud is one of the,

(01:03:20):
like,

(01:03:21):
his whole theory is on,

(01:03:22):
like,

(01:03:22):
mother and your stages,

(01:03:24):
the nine stages of growing up.

(01:03:25):
And, like, there's, he did set the, he made counseling the way that it is today possible.

(01:03:31):
He definitely broke the barrier.

(01:03:33):
But beyond that, I mean.

(01:03:35):
I think it's always like the guy with the beard sitting with like a pad,

(01:03:41):
you know,

(01:03:41):
and that's always.

(01:03:42):
Well, and his style is that you were backwards.

(01:03:44):
So he didn't see you.

(01:03:45):
You didn't see him.

(01:03:46):
Yeah.

(01:03:46):
And I think the face to face is exactly what you do need in therapy,

(01:03:50):
you know,

(01:03:51):
because you need that connection.

(01:03:52):
You need to have that trust with,

(01:03:54):
you know,

(01:03:54):
because I've heard a lot of people like,

(01:03:55):
you know,

(01:03:56):
even me,

(01:03:57):
I didn't trust my psychologist or my psychiatrist enough that first time because

(01:04:00):
I'm like,

(01:04:01):
yo,

(01:04:01):
she's going to get me committed.

(01:04:02):
She's going, you know, she's going to sell it to the hospital.

(01:04:04):
So I can't tell her everything when with this, with my new counselor.

(01:04:09):
Yeah.

(01:04:10):
Yeah.

(01:04:11):
Yeah.

(01:04:11):
I was Jesus.

(01:04:12):
And like, sometimes I'm like, yeah, I'm like, wait, why did I just say that?

(01:04:16):
You know, there was no reason to talk about that.

(01:04:18):
But yeah, and he's so cool.

(01:04:21):
For sure.

(01:04:21):
The group therapy and I think I leaned on that in the beginning that there's that

(01:04:27):
and this might just be like my dad and he's on his own alcoholism and he has his

(01:04:34):
own extreme points.

(01:04:36):
But, you know, one of the things he used to say is like, we can't all be crazy.

(01:04:40):
Like not everyone else can be wrong or like.

(01:04:43):
Yeah.

(01:04:44):
it was or something like even when I did in school he's like well they can't all be

(01:04:48):
wrong and you be right it's more likely they're all right and you're wrong like

(01:04:51):
you're the outlier and so in groups especially in the beginning I almost didn't

(01:04:57):
believe it like there's no way there's all these people that are alcohol free and

(01:05:00):
happy and then you hear someone with like 30 years I'm like that bitch is lying

(01:05:04):
yeah oh that was my toy I judged anyone I'm like I'm like there's no way your skin

(01:05:09):
could be that wrinkled if you've been like not drinking for 30 years and I'm like

(01:05:12):
And it's like the insane things.

(01:05:14):
Yeah.

(01:05:14):
And I'm so happy you're getting your psychology degree.

(01:05:16):
That's what I saw.

(01:05:17):
Because you start and then it's after the first like five people that you see come

(01:05:23):
in and you see a complete change,

(01:05:25):
especially because I was going to the same group every single night of the first

(01:05:28):
year.

(01:05:29):
Like there was not a night I didn't miss.

(01:05:31):
Weekends, holidays included.

(01:05:33):
And you see the people that come in and come out and you see the change in just a few people.

(01:05:40):
It'll rock your world.

(01:05:41):
And then you become one of the changes that someone else sees.

(01:05:45):
And I can just,

(01:05:46):
I can tell you multiple,

(01:05:48):
not even people I sponsored,

(01:05:49):
like I've walked quite a few women through the steps and they're still sober and

(01:05:54):
it's great to see them.

(01:05:55):
Every time I see them, it's literally a spiritual experience because I remember that.

(01:05:59):
the person on day one and i remember what it was like and i i just call them like

(01:06:05):
the dumpster fire you know like that's what i was i was a dumpster one of her one

(01:06:09):
of mine called her she had a dumpster fire on her bag literally like a picture yeah

(01:06:13):
yeah yeah yeah like i have a figurine somewhere around here that is a little dumb

(01:06:17):
just to remind me you know like i'm like you are not a dumpster like don't say that

(01:06:21):
about yourself and it's um

(01:06:25):
I mean, yeah, I can just think of people, like I said, I didn't even sponsor.

(01:06:28):
It was just in the group and you see them change and you know,

(01:06:34):
you're not drinking,

(01:06:34):
they're not drinking and you're hanging out like you see them in that group and you

(01:06:38):
see the evolving.

(01:06:40):
It's what do people say?

(01:06:42):
Or they're like, you know,

(01:06:44):
make space for the miracle to happen you know like you gotta like and also stay to

(01:06:49):
watch watch them stay to watch is the big one yeah i remember it doesn't happen not

(01:06:54):
everyone's the same time like i just talked about colin and i colin probably took a

(01:07:00):
little over a year i was within months of ready to but

(01:07:07):
it happened when it happened and we had to allow grace,

(01:07:09):
which is why we couldn't start this podcast till,

(01:07:12):
you know,

(01:07:13):
what at three years is where we're kind of like,

(01:07:16):
okay,

(01:07:16):
we're kind of at the same level,

(01:07:17):
but it took a lot of time and we live in the same house.

(01:07:20):
Yeah.

(01:07:20):
And it's a lot of work because, because your paths are completely different.

(01:07:24):
You know, you, you got, we were in the same life.

(01:07:27):
Yeah.

(01:07:27):
And I, and it's so weird because you're like, Oh, it should, it should be parallel.

(01:07:31):
We should be the same, but it's never is because two people always face problems differently.

(01:07:36):
And that's how we realize with marriage, it's like, it's not about the cookie cutter stuff.

(01:07:42):
Like it's people think it's like, oh, doing everything together.

(01:07:45):
And it's like, really, we have a lot of things apart.

(01:07:49):
But when we come together, we really enjoy our time together.

(01:07:52):
Yeah.

(01:07:52):
And that's where like the codependency,

(01:07:54):
like your psychology stuff,

(01:07:55):
like that's where like that gets unhealthy,

(01:07:57):
you know,

(01:07:58):
where it's like,

(01:07:58):
we have to do everything together.

(01:07:59):
It's like, then you get resentments.

(01:08:01):
Why do we have to do everything together?

(01:08:02):
And like,

(01:08:03):
and that,

(01:08:03):
you know,

(01:08:04):
that boils into those own problems,

(01:08:05):
but it's like,

(01:08:06):
it's so,

(01:08:06):
it's so great that you guys got super together.

(01:08:08):
Well, you see codependency, that would have been me.

(01:08:11):
I was a hundred percent in my first year.

(01:08:13):
I, thankfully I had a good sponsor who also dealt with codependency that, uh,

(01:08:19):
helped me not fall into that because easily I could have subbed the alcohol for

(01:08:24):
codependency especially if Colin had stayed the course and like been AA with me it

(01:08:30):
probably wouldn't have wound up the same I probably would have been like still so

(01:08:34):
in love with him and ready like

(01:08:37):
I'll only caring about what he thinks, which let me tell you, I do not like whatever.

(01:08:43):
And he doesn't care.

(01:08:44):
Like vice versa.

(01:08:44):
What I think,

(01:08:45):
like,

(01:08:45):
I mean,

(01:08:45):
obviously on important stuff,

(01:08:47):
of course,

(01:08:48):
give me his,

(01:08:49):
like,

(01:08:49):
I know he'll be honest with me.

(01:08:51):
That's we had to get to that place there.

(01:08:53):
We didn't.

(01:08:54):
There's a lot of growth.

(01:08:54):
There's a lot of growth there.

(01:08:55):
There's a lot of growth.

(01:08:56):
We did not start there.

(01:08:57):
I promise.

(01:08:58):
And I didn't know that we were going to necessarily stay together.

(01:09:00):
Like I,

(01:09:01):
um it's just we ended up re-dating and it's like i said you're using the steps in

(01:09:06):
like your relationships like how you're truly living your life it's kind of hard it

(01:09:12):
is to get along with almost anyone and i think that's like the that's a part of

(01:09:16):
that pink cloud especially at the beginning where like oh these people love me you

(01:09:19):
know and they i can't let them down you know there's a codependency to that too i

(01:09:23):
think the group does help yeah i think that that that's that was actually um

(01:09:28):
Last year,

(01:09:29):
my goals are changing a little bit now because of career stuff,

(01:09:31):
but I took a couple of psychology courses for my own interest,

(01:09:37):
especially when you're sober.

(01:09:38):
Yeah,

(01:09:38):
I have a lot of free time now to read books,

(01:09:40):
and all these classes are online here through University of Massachusetts in

(01:09:43):
Lowell.

(01:09:44):
So I took abnormal psych,

(01:09:46):
just took a bunch,

(01:09:46):
and then I was thinking about even going to that mental health counselor route,

(01:09:50):
getting the master's in it and doing it that way.

(01:09:52):
Yeah, it's really, it's awesome.

(01:09:54):
But the one thing you do learn in all those psychology classes and all that is the ownership.

(01:10:00):
You know,

(01:10:00):
you have to take,

(01:10:01):
like,

(01:10:02):
there's no way you're going to get better if you don't face the problem.

(01:10:06):
You know, we all beat around the bush.

(01:10:08):
Oh,

(01:10:08):
like you said,

(01:10:08):
like the page,

(01:10:10):
I stopped drinking beer on the weekends and yada,

(01:10:12):
yada,

(01:10:12):
or only wine at this time.

(01:10:14):
We tried all that.

(01:10:15):
And it gets to the point where you...

(01:10:18):
I hate using the word hopeless because it's like not everyone gets hopeless when

(01:10:22):
they want to get sober,

(01:10:23):
but there is almost that like,

(01:10:25):
man,

(01:10:26):
I need to give up and I need to give myself to something else.

(01:10:30):
And that's where things I feel like start clicking in your head.

(01:10:33):
Like I said,

(01:10:34):
I always wrote things down in my psychology sessions with my counselor,

(01:10:38):
but I never knew what I was writing down until I got sober and I realized,

(01:10:42):
oh my God,

(01:10:43):
all this personal development stuff

(01:10:46):
makes sense now because the what's hard though is as the counselor and this is

(01:10:51):
where I'm struggling right now is I I just I get real invested and emotionally

(01:10:59):
connected and like it's I it's hard for me to really separate and I've had to do it

(01:11:04):
when I sponsor especially

(01:11:07):
I try it like we're talking from a professional paid standpoint.

(01:11:11):
It's going to be hard to try and like I don't want to do one on one counseling anymore.

(01:11:16):
I originally kind of did.

(01:11:17):
But you have to kind of give that advice and be able to watch it and let it go.

(01:11:21):
Like there was your counselor who saw you writing all those things, but probably saw it not.

(01:11:25):
And you don't know when it's going to implement.

(01:11:28):
You know, now you're obviously it's much later, but it's not instant work.

(01:11:34):
It is very much.

(01:11:35):
And you might have to work with people that, you know, are not telling you the full truth.

(01:11:40):
And you're like, come on.

(01:11:41):
Yeah, I know I was there.

(01:11:43):
Yeah.

(01:11:44):
Okay, whatever.

(01:11:46):
And you know what I mean?

(01:11:47):
Yes, I know exactly what you mean.

(01:11:49):
There's a part of me that's like,

(01:11:51):
I think I might want to go more of a group setting or running a treatment center or

(01:11:56):
finding new strategies and ways to break down things.

(01:12:00):
people who have a harder time getting to the rooms you know like i don't know that

(01:12:05):
that's like running women's support groups and stuff like that like that like that

(01:12:10):
that alley is huge because there's probably so much need for it you know wherever

(01:12:14):
it's hard because no it's super hard to not separate

(01:12:18):
you know,

(01:12:18):
like I,

(01:12:19):
I always do a prayer before any meeting of any time I met with someone,

(01:12:23):
it was always,

(01:12:23):
you know,

(01:12:23):
fine.

(01:12:24):
Give me the words to say, and it's not anything religious prayer.

(01:12:27):
I had a heart as a Jewish person.

(01:12:31):
I'm sure your friend, the same thing.

(01:12:33):
It's like,

(01:12:34):
you're so ingrained that you have to kind of unlearn some things and separate it

(01:12:42):
and it takes time it's not it's not an overnight it's not an overnight thing and

(01:12:46):
that's why i love the whole 24 hour thing you know 24 hours of time that helps and

(01:12:51):
i have this one friend that's like yo sometimes it's a minute 60 seconds here i'll

(01:12:56):
just get to the next minute just get to the next minute

(01:12:58):
And I'm like,

(01:12:58):
yes,

(01:12:59):
because sometimes like I always like at work,

(01:13:02):
you know,

(01:13:02):
like,

(01:13:02):
oh,

(01:13:02):
man,

(01:13:03):
we were we must have been in that patient's room for like an hour trying to save

(01:13:06):
their life.

(01:13:07):
And they wound up, you know, like expiring.

(01:13:09):
But yeah, like and then you look up, it's like, no, it was only like five minutes.

(01:13:12):
It's like so relative sometimes when you're going through it,

(01:13:15):
you know,

(01:13:15):
like when we've been here for so long and you look back,

(01:13:17):
it's like.

(01:13:18):
No, you really haven't.

(01:13:19):
And or you get sober.

(01:13:21):
You look back, you're like, has it been two years and eight months?

(01:13:23):
Like what?

(01:13:24):
Like I know it's all relative in that way.

(01:13:28):
And that's where I feel like that whole 24 hour thing,

(01:13:30):
that 24 hour chip is is the one you could cornball,

(01:13:34):
whatever.

(01:13:34):
But it is the most important thing because you got through this 24 hours and that's what counts.

(01:13:39):
when it went in and it's it's just a bunch like i love the guys that say like oh

(01:13:43):
i've been sober for 2167 days why do i say that because it was one day at a time

(01:13:49):
and i was like ah there we go yes so it's the same i liked an old timer who when

(01:13:55):
people would say it's only a few days it's like first off take away that only and

(01:13:59):
secondly he'll ask like what time did you wake up

(01:14:03):
And if it,

(01:14:04):
he'll always,

(01:14:05):
I mean,

(01:14:05):
no matter what,

(01:14:06):
he'd be like,

(01:14:06):
you woke up before me,

(01:14:07):
you have more sobriety than me,

(01:14:09):
you know?

(01:14:09):
And it was a great way to always make him smile or chuckle.

(01:14:13):
And it's, that's what it's all about.

(01:14:16):
It's like just connection and talking it.

(01:14:21):
And I am so thankful you came on the spot.

(01:14:23):
You are such, you are such a vibe for us.

(01:14:25):
Like I wish Colin were here because you're.

(01:14:28):
Yeah.

(01:14:29):
I would love to come back.

(01:14:30):
Yeah.

(01:14:31):
Or I have you guys on mind.

(01:14:32):
Yes.

(01:14:32):
Because,

(01:14:33):
How can people find you?

(01:14:34):
What's the best way?

(01:14:35):
So best way is Instagram, the hendog half.

(01:14:39):
And then also I'm on YouTube.

(01:14:41):
I'm going to put all the links below.

(01:14:43):
Yeah, you can type in hendog half in the YouTube search.

(01:14:46):
I'll come up.

(01:14:48):
I'm on Facebook.

(01:14:49):
My real name, Danny Henriquez.

(01:14:51):
Just add the Riquez, add the Latino to the hen.

(01:14:54):
Add the Latino.

(01:14:55):
Yeah.

(01:14:55):
add the latina to the hen and you got me and i and i'm i'm blue checked on

(01:14:59):
everything so you'll know it's me and i'm and i'm always here and that's the thing

(01:15:02):
is is i tell everyone that i meet you know even you and or your husband who i

(01:15:06):
haven't met but i feel like i i i you could dap now and feel like i feel like i'm

(01:15:10):
his buddy now probably have a whole other session be like thing and just he he's

(01:15:15):
very much the same vibe and i

(01:15:17):
And I love this whole like the sober theme.

(01:15:19):
That's one thing that I don't have in my in my podcast.

(01:15:22):
I don't have a theme.

(01:15:23):
I just want to talk about it.

(01:15:25):
Yeah.

(01:15:25):
Podcast is like one like one day is a Disney.

(01:15:28):
One day is me fixing my fence outside.

(01:15:30):
Like I'm all over the place.

(01:15:31):
But for you to have a theme of sobriety, love it.

(01:15:34):
And if you ever need other guests,

(01:15:35):
I have a bunch of a sober community here that would love to sit here and talk to

(01:15:39):
you for an hour and 37 minutes.

(01:15:41):
Yes.

(01:15:41):
I was like emailing it.

(01:15:42):
Why I try to be other than when the internet will be in Texas has the wildest storms.

(01:15:47):
And thank you so much for everything today.

(01:15:50):
Thank you.

(01:15:50):
I will tag everything.

(01:15:52):
So it's super easy to find you.

(01:15:53):
And again, thank you for coming on.

(01:15:56):
I hope you have very good.

(01:15:57):
Yes, I can.

(01:15:58):
Yes.

(01:15:58):
I can't wait.

(01:16:00):
Also, thank you, Danny, that I'm going to run again.

(01:16:04):
Team Green.