Speaker 1: Welcome back the beardless, sickless me. I am the bearded one.
Speaker 2: I am ridiculous one.
Speaker 1: That sound you hear not masturbation.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, we're bad.
Speaker 1: The clarification, Yeah, well, because some people, you know, just
Speaker 1: listen to the audio. They don't watch it. Like if
Speaker 1: you're that Kevin Smith club, remember I givespith club dot com,
Speaker 1: you can watch the show. But if you're just listening
Speaker 1: you heard that, you might be like, this is holy inappropriate.
Speaker 1: That's so true. One of them is fapping in front
Speaker 1: of the other, and either way it's fucking crazy. Try
Speaker 1: That's why I have to tell him that it was Walky.
Speaker 1: I'm glad the dog was fapping and we were letting
Speaker 1: her because she ain't gonna fucking loving her life. Let
Speaker 1: me tell you something. Every time I bring WALKI to
Speaker 1: the park, that milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
Speaker 1: big and small. They are not interested in Birdie, which
Speaker 1: is like, you know how the stereotype of fucking men like,
Speaker 1: oh they like young women and ship. There's fucking Birdie,
Speaker 1: just new bile, prime, fucking of her life. Look at her,
Speaker 1: you know, fucking like untouched and they have and she's unfixed.
Speaker 1: Probably say unfixed as well, but none of it are interested.
Speaker 2: To be clear, you should.
Speaker 1: Be, but maybe maybe like they they just don't say
Speaker 1: Walkie is fixed. And yet they'll all fucking their noses
Speaker 1: are straight up brass. And then they go for the
Speaker 1: jump and she's like, hey, Walkie is what dogs want?
Speaker 2: What he's got that thing thing about her?
Speaker 1: If you were a boy dog, you'd be like, I
Speaker 1: want to FUCKI.
Speaker 2: Walk exactly exactly what I think about WUCKI She though.
Speaker 1: You could tell. Walkie's like, oh no, walk he's not interested.
Speaker 1: She's like, I've been there. Men suck.
Speaker 2: She's been there, She's done that, and she doesn't want
Speaker 2: it anymore.
Speaker 1: She's like, there's only one man in this world that
Speaker 1: don't suck. And I'm sitting right here with me. He
Speaker 1: brought me to the park. Wow, I'll be going home
Speaker 1: with him as well.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: She adores me. Bertie though, on the other hand, also
Speaker 1: adores me. But Bertie scared of every fucking dog at
Speaker 1: the park. Boy dogs come over there, and she's like
Speaker 1: she I literally watched her throw herself on her back,
Speaker 1: feet up in the air, and it's like, bro, that's
Speaker 1: how you get run, Like cover, ass and run and
Speaker 1: ship or do what Wucky does, which is just like.
Speaker 2: I like Wucky style.
Speaker 1: I think it's it's it really is like I'm showing
Speaker 1: my human you know, fucking bias here. But like blows
Speaker 1: my mind that that's what dogs want, he asked German
Speaker 1: brow They want a house frow and I get it.
Speaker 1: We're not looking for frowline, fucking you know, fancy pants
Speaker 1: of it. And they want a woman built like a
Speaker 1: brick ship house. A bear they do. And every size big.
Speaker 3: Dog a little dog.
Speaker 1: I saw a little dog trying to hop up to
Speaker 1: make it like trying.
Speaker 2: To get my god, Oh my god.
Speaker 1: He was like, here's him and here's her thing way
Speaker 1: up here. He kept trying to jump up. It was
Speaker 1: never going to connect. I'm never going to cow jump
Speaker 1: over that moon.
Speaker 2: Oh my god. Okay, are we done now with this
Speaker 2: section of the show.
Speaker 1: I just find it. I don't. I have no skin
Speaker 1: in the game, but I'll be honest with you. I'm
Speaker 1: kind of proud when the boy dogs are like hello,
Speaker 1: I'm like, that's right, yeah, look at her, Yeah, recognizing
Speaker 1: this is my dog, as if I had anything to
Speaker 1: do with some respect on Loki's name according to the
Speaker 1: new formula. Yes, this would be your show.
Speaker 2: It's my turn.
Speaker 1: You're in charge.
Speaker 2: It's my turn now.
Speaker 1: So I'm just going to crack open a frosty old beverage.
Speaker 2: Fresh can of Celsius at eight pm.
Speaker 1: We'll keep you up for hours and let you drive,
Speaker 1: ladies and gentlemen, my only begotten child. Wow, the girl me.
Speaker 2: I thought, uh, I thought I'd bring back the hypothetical,
Speaker 2: the hypothetical nation, bring back bitch.
Speaker 1: It never left.
Speaker 2: I asked gone every week.
Speaker 1: I know you're out of your mind.
Speaker 2: I wish it away every week.
Speaker 1: But this time you get to do it.
Speaker 2: Yes, all right, I just remember.
Speaker 1: Once you open the door to the hypothetical.
Speaker 2: No no, this is for you.
Speaker 1: I may be able to turn the table.
Speaker 2: No no, no, no, no no, this.
Speaker 1: Is my episode. There's a game when I was a kid.
Speaker 1: And now that I think about it, since I'm rebuying
Speaker 1: everything on eBay, I'm blowing Harley's inheritance on Buwwinkle toys.
Speaker 2: Yeah, thinks a lot.
Speaker 1: Tough ship makes me happy, make me happier than Bowinkle,
Speaker 1: and I'll give you the money very but you're less.
Speaker 1: You're You're not as expensive as old but winkles, you're
Speaker 1: pretty cheap to buy. What the fuck a few bucks
Speaker 1: at a Dickland shirt. You're like, oh my god, so
Speaker 1: rude man, Where was I going with my originals? Oh?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: There was a game, and this is relevant to your
Speaker 1: interest because you're a Disney kid. There was a game,
Speaker 1: a Haunted Mansion game that had in the floor turntables.
Speaker 1: So when you roll the dice or spin the spinner
Speaker 1: or whatever, you move onto it onto the board, you
Speaker 1: would turn a handle and so your peace would move
Speaker 1: to it. Completely different. Oh and I remember the commercial
Speaker 1: was like, you know, can you escape the spinning spooks
Speaker 1: or something like that. But in any event, in a
Speaker 1: world where I keep buying like all that my childhood ship,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go put that in.
Speaker 2: Yeah, go look for that. Do something useful?
Speaker 1: Will you take over the show? Why don't you anyways
Speaker 1: like to be encouraging, so you like to lead with
Speaker 1: stick more than carrot?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: Hypothetical hypothetical What if you had a daughter that loved
Speaker 1: to expected you? There's the hypothetical every day all right, hypothetical?
Speaker 2: Go I remember remember the elves?
Speaker 1: Yes to recap for those I may not remember the
Speaker 1: elves are like, I don't go far that far back.
Speaker 1: The elves wanted me to kill Austin.
Speaker 2: You were the elf king.
Speaker 1: I was the elf king. They just got Yeah, I
Speaker 1: wound up. I was lost. Harley thought like, I ran away.
Speaker 2: You honestly died.
Speaker 1: Died, But really the elves took me and I became
Speaker 1: the elf king. Yes, how do we get to the
Speaker 1: broken pottery? That was my favorite part because it wasn't Austin.
Speaker 2: There was something about that there. You came back into
Speaker 2: my life and I was like, where the fuck have
Speaker 2: you been for six years? I had I had to
Speaker 2: be with the elves. And then at some point the
Speaker 2: elves tried to kill and I think successfully killed Austin.
Speaker 1: Well they were like take that broken.
Speaker 2: Right, of course, these elves, these are the elves.
Speaker 1: Price to pay for being their king.
Speaker 2: Yes, so these.
Speaker 1: Elves in questions, Yeah, for those who are like, I
Speaker 1: don't get the good elves, No, no, no, they're pretty cruel.
Speaker 2: Well here's another price to pay.
Speaker 1: What am I What price am I paying?
Speaker 2: Well just wait a second.
Speaker 1: But I mean no, not what why am I paying
Speaker 1: a price?
Speaker 2: Well, but I'm about to tell you.
Speaker 1: So I'm at first you got to tell me why
Speaker 1: I'm in trouble, and then tell me what the price
Speaker 1: I'm paying is. Yes, that sounds like that was your
Speaker 1: original plan. Sounds like you're switching horses mid Street.
Speaker 2: But allow, no, I've got I've got a story written
Speaker 2: out here.
Speaker 1: Seriously, yep, I'm ready to hear it.
Speaker 2: Are you ready?
Speaker 1: Yeah? You secured the Gentleman Story by Harley Quinn Smith
Speaker 1: written on her phone. She's staring at him that Kevin
Speaker 1: Smith dot Kevinsmith club dot com. You see her reading
Speaker 1: from her phone because she wrote it down. I'm impressed anyway, over.
Speaker 2: You all right, readymady, you've secured your spot as the
Speaker 2: elf king. So you you you've left hero, Yes, you
Speaker 2: you are the king of the elves at this point.
Speaker 2: Hundred of elves are depending on you because the elves
Speaker 2: of this colony are sick. They're not well. A disease
Speaker 2: has gone around, and yes, a plague if you will,
Speaker 2: on my watch, on your wing exactly, and you are
Speaker 2: the king. So that's what that's where, that's where the
Speaker 2: problem was.
Speaker 1: That stops here. I'm not a blamer.
Speaker 2: If you don't help them, they will all unfortunately pass.
Speaker 1: That's what I got sucked dick or something.
Speaker 2: No, the elves are depending on you, though you are
Speaker 2: the chosen one with the only antidote and the inexistence
Speaker 2: to save the elves. The antidote you ask, every elf
Speaker 2: must come and bite you once a day for a year,
Speaker 2: drawing blood and leaving a scar every time. Your body
Speaker 2: is completely raw by the end of it and covered
Speaker 2: in elf bite scars. The elves are depending on.
Speaker 1: Nobody said that, did you said? The elves come and
Speaker 1: they bite me.
Speaker 2: The elves present themselves.
Speaker 1: And hypothetical there is usually thrown across the table.
Speaker 2: There is none of that in mind.
Speaker 1: Fair enough, so I'm being bit.
Speaker 2: You are being bitten once a day by every elf
Speaker 2: in the colony. There are thousands. They're small, but they
Speaker 2: are mighty, and there are thousands. And every time they
Speaker 2: draw blood because your blood is the antidote to their disease.
Speaker 1: Like mosquitos, yes, which I've been bit by many.
Speaker 2: Times, but much worse. It hurts.
Speaker 1: Mosquitoes tickle, though it's.
Speaker 2: More than a tickle. They draw blood.
Speaker 1: It was all I said. They don't tickle, Okay, so
Speaker 1: it's more than a tickle. That's even more pleasurable.
Speaker 2: All right, they draw your Does it feel like.
Speaker 1: Does it feel like somebody giving me a needle?
Speaker 2: It feels like as if there was a little like
Speaker 2: claw trap that grabs onto your skin, you know, like
Speaker 2: a little metal little a little metal claw, little guy,
Speaker 2: a little trap, A little trap a mouse not a
Speaker 2: mouse trap like this trap.
Speaker 1: As if everybody knows that Jaws is in the.
Speaker 2: Snow jaw Jaws trap.
Speaker 1: So he's a little shark.
Speaker 2: Yeah, sure, they're little sharks.
Speaker 1: And I feel it.
Speaker 2: Oh you feel you pinch my hand?
Speaker 1: Show me what it feels like. Can you handle it? No?
Speaker 1: But worse because I said.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to make you bleed right now, you
Speaker 2: make me.
Speaker 1: Bleed later after the show and the camera are not
Speaker 1: that's when.
Speaker 2: That's That's what I'm waiting for. Is the after show?
Speaker 1: Well, plasticles plus kids that Kevin Smith club dot com
Speaker 1: and see. The shows are all about elder abuse as
Speaker 1: a young normal to get to her, it's a lot quicker.
Speaker 4: It's about child abuse, and the after show is about
Speaker 4: elder abuse. Pick your choices, all right, So the als
Speaker 4: it feels like a shark bite.
Speaker 1: Yeah what wait? Not a big shark, a little shark,
Speaker 1: A little rubber shark.
Speaker 2: No, not rubber, just a small shark, like a baby shark,
Speaker 2: but has teeth.
Speaker 1: Oh baby baby, yeah, my heart, heart, heart heart, all right,
Speaker 1: so a living baby shark.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Did they pull flash?
Speaker 2: Try to me, they pull blood. They draw blood, so
Speaker 2: more like.
Speaker 1: Like like a parasite. Yeah, they leave any germs in
Speaker 1: me or anything like that. Oh yeah clean?
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, they're not clean.
Speaker 1: They say it like, oh yeah, they're.
Speaker 2: Not clean because they elves are. They're drawing blood by mouth.
Speaker 1: Right. Can I be like, you need a dental dam.
Speaker 2: No, that doesn't cure their disease.
Speaker 1: Stop the spread of many diseases.
Speaker 2: In the eighties, I know, not this one, not this one.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying it's time for the dental dam to
Speaker 1: come back. Come back, not in these elves faces, not
Speaker 1: for the elves. All right. So I'm getting a little infection.
Speaker 2: Every time, or yeah you are, and your body is
Speaker 2: completely raw with bites. Basically, it just hurts to exist everywhere.
Speaker 1: I don't mean it hurts to exist as if it
Speaker 1: does existential I know.
Speaker 2: Fuck now, it physically hurts to exist is in my mind.
Speaker 1: But now.
Speaker 2: Now it's all a little.
Speaker 1: Bit I've asked how you take that broken out? I
Speaker 1: got you fuckers with the broken pottery and the jugglar kids. Right,
Speaker 1: you are dirty.
Speaker 2: They're so violent. The elves are so violent, all right.
Speaker 2: So the elves are depending on you to keep their
Speaker 2: species from going extinct. Elves on Earth will completely vanish
Speaker 2: from existence without your help. Okay, do you help them?
Speaker 1: What do they do? What do they bring to the table?
Speaker 1: They just exist?
Speaker 2: They just they exist.
Speaker 1: They're not magical or no, they are. So what am
Speaker 1: I getting out of this?
Speaker 2: I hate to be quel, you're their king about it,
Speaker 2: but you're their king.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but you know they've kidnapped me in the first place. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but you mean this is my chance for revenge? Fuck them?
Speaker 1: You know what, Fuck these elves. They took me away
Speaker 1: from my daughter for six years. Well, this is the
Speaker 1: moment what I've been waiting for. I'm like, oh, now
Speaker 1: you need me. Huh, give me the key. I am
Speaker 1: out of here unless you give me that fucking key. Okay,
Speaker 1: give the key. I'll let you suck a little my
Speaker 1: blood the key. Kid like that you have. I was like,
Speaker 1: track the bag and start stepping on them.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that wasn't in the plans.
Speaker 1: Matter. Okay, that's my hypothetical. The mad at these elves.
Speaker 1: They kept me from my fucking family, wife, queen of
Speaker 1: some sort. No, right, no, and mom's at home. Mom's
Speaker 1: at home on that fine goodness going to waste, just unserved.
Speaker 1: Come on, I want my revenge. Man, I'm like Sweeney
Speaker 1: Todd in this bitch you kidding me? I'm busting all
Speaker 1: the pottery jugglers left.
Speaker 2: This is much to.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: No, the what you get in return is you you get,
Speaker 2: you get magic. I'm kind of magic olf magic.
Speaker 1: See, I need details because this is these sketchy, specious
Speaker 1: okay deals. That's how the devil fucks you. In every
Speaker 1: literary story and maybe even in the Bible, I can't remember,
Speaker 1: but you always got the devil, they say. The Devil's
Speaker 1: in the details. So that's why I'm asking so many questions.
Speaker 2: Well, let me just continue on. So will you help
Speaker 2: them or no?
Speaker 1: What kind of magic am I going to get?
Speaker 2: Like ELF's magic?
Speaker 1: All right? What does that mean? Can I make? Can
Speaker 1: I understand what Bertie is saying? Yeah, so my magic
Speaker 1: can translate Lucky and Bertie?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: What else can I do?
Speaker 2: Well, we'll get to that.
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, no, no, this is the important things
Speaker 1: to know before I sign off on being bitten repeatedly.
Speaker 2: Well, because if you don't help out of the kindness
Speaker 2: of your heart, uh huh, the elves have another method.
Speaker 1: In mind they're gonna take.
Speaker 2: The elves have the power to erase memories from humans.
Speaker 2: If you don't help them, they will erase clerks from
Speaker 2: the minds of all humankind. They will actually erase every movie, project, script, performance,
Speaker 2: everything you've ever done, except for yoga hoss. You will
Speaker 2: only be known as the filmmaker who made yoga hoss.
Speaker 2: Except if clerks never existed, then I never exist. So
Speaker 2: instead of Lily Rose and I, it is starring Drake
Speaker 2: Bell or Drake Campagna and Logan Paul And everywhere you.
Speaker 5: Go, everywhere you go, yeah, people stare, daggers at you,
Speaker 5: yell at you, even spit on the ground you walk
Speaker 5: on because of yoga hosers. So what do you say,
Speaker 5: elf bites in a career or dead elves and Drake Bell?
Speaker 5: The choice is yours.
Speaker 1: I gotta tell you you didn't have to go any
Speaker 1: further than clerks is erased from the minds of dot
Speaker 1: dot dot.
Speaker 2: So basically, if you don't help them.
Speaker 1: Oh, I understand proposition quite clearly. You don't need to
Speaker 1: review it for me. Yeah. No, they can. They can
Speaker 1: eat me. I work too hard.
Speaker 2: Just remind you it's thousands of them biting you once
Speaker 2: a day.
Speaker 1: For a year. All right, but I'm the king, right, Yeah? Well,
Speaker 1: but by royal decree, three quarters of our population will
Speaker 1: be cold.
Speaker 5: Oh my god, what's the purpose of keeping them alive?
Speaker 1: Then, as poor they can agree to get clean, shower,
Speaker 1: wear dental days and provide me with no infection.
Speaker 2: You're turning around, I mean.
Speaker 1: Look, not for nothing, but I know how to deal
Speaker 1: with the hypothetical.
Speaker 3: Damn.
Speaker 2: So you're just gonna call them like it was nothing.
Speaker 1: We're negotiating here.
Speaker 2: You have a release, You have special relationships with all
Speaker 2: of them?
Speaker 1: I did, yes, Well, then they ought well they have
Speaker 1: zero compunction about like biting. They do.
Speaker 2: They feel they cry every time they bite you.
Speaker 1: They feel my heart breaks for them, but my skin
Speaker 1: is breaking for them more.
Speaker 2: They feel affected.
Speaker 1: Because they won't shower or whatever the fuck?
Speaker 2: So okay, what have the infection's gone? What if? What
Speaker 2: if they cure the infection the magic.
Speaker 1: They take it off the table, all the gather Yeah,
Speaker 1: I have about instead of curing it with their magic.
Speaker 1: Since they have magic, it just never exists. A.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they don't. They don't actually get infected.
Speaker 1: I'd also propose that if they have magic, they could
Speaker 1: also magic themselves.
Speaker 2: Well, no they can't. Why because your blood is the
Speaker 2: only antidote.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but magic could do anything?
Speaker 2: No not in this case.
Speaker 1: Magic can't. Then why am I giving up anything from
Speaker 1: magic that won't create a fucking cure for this problem?
Speaker 2: Because you could talk to Bertie.
Speaker 1: I would like to find out what Bertie. I am
Speaker 1: very curious.
Speaker 2: I see that might be worth knowing, because then you
Speaker 2: can have you can conversate with Walkie and Bird.
Speaker 1: You know they say like all good things come too late,
Speaker 1: Like I wish I would have made this deal in
Speaker 1: a heartbeat. I always want to know what.
Speaker 6: Thought, oh you mean came in great to me?
Speaker 1: Every bet you meant.
Speaker 2: Oh my god to me here one of the one
Speaker 2: of the reviews said, I gotta find it.
Speaker 1: Maybe laught you read the reviews.
Speaker 2: Yeah, does he need to scream into the mic so much?
Speaker 2: Yes to me, this one's for you, This one's for you.
Speaker 2: D Hawk eleven, Dick.
Speaker 1: Hawk, I was told to get right into the fucking
Speaker 1: mike to mean, who's I speaking to that listens to
Speaker 1: the show in the regular and they're like, bro, get
Speaker 1: your face in the fucking mic, facing the fucking make bruh.
Speaker 1: I said, last week, right, I told you the story
Speaker 1: of somebody being like Kevin pict your hair. Yeah, chuck
Speaker 1: fucking love. After we recorded that show last week, then
Speaker 1: I went to multi con in here in town. It
Speaker 1: was down in a little Armenia or whatever. It was
Speaker 1: right by home Depot. Oh nice, and it was a
Speaker 1: lovely event and some people asked about you, and I
Speaker 1: was like, she doesn't believe in charity? No, And then
Speaker 1: at night I drove down to Covina to do a
Speaker 1: show with Ralph Babylon Hollywood Bebylon. I've never been to Kvina.
Speaker 1: You ever fuck with Covina?
Speaker 2: I don't think I've been there.
Speaker 1: How is it fucking all right? Man?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: Like I was like, where's this? Where the fuck they
Speaker 1: got cool shops? Last strip malls and showing.
Speaker 2: Really I was. I was impressed with strips.
Speaker 1: And the club we went to. I do I come
Speaker 1: from the land of strips. The club we went to,
Speaker 1: the Laugh Factory in Covina, is a beautiful like old theater,
Speaker 1: and they don't have like most of the comedy clubs
Speaker 1: you do are like two hundred. They didn't have two hundred.
Speaker 1: They were only one hundred and sixty seven seats, so
Speaker 1: we sold that quick. But they have dynamic not dynamic pricing,
Speaker 1: but ranged pricing. So you you know, if you go
Speaker 1: see us at Flappers, it's like all one take a price.
Speaker 1: This place charges more the closer you get. And two
Speaker 1: of the fucking tables were on the stage with us.
Speaker 1: Oh so if you look to your right, you know,
Speaker 1: because me and Ralph sitting next to each other and
Speaker 1: face the audience. If I looked at my right, there
Speaker 1: was a table for two, a couple ofs to my
Speaker 1: right on the stage with this wow far away but
Speaker 1: still like right there on stage, and then too Ralph's
Speaker 1: left was like a table of four, And that's a premium.
Speaker 2: What would you do?
Speaker 1: I would you? Would you if you were at a
Speaker 1: comedy club and you're not like you're just you, I
Speaker 1: ain't even gonna fuck it? Would you choose that table?
Speaker 2: I would never. I'd be as far in the back
Speaker 2: as humanly possible. If nobody can say to.
Speaker 1: Me it's you know who's like your favorite community. It's
Speaker 1: you know what, Steve Carell doing an evening as Michael Scott.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, a dream come true.
Speaker 1: Maybe I want to be clubs are going to be
Speaker 1: right there on stage.
Speaker 2: If it was Steve Carrell doing a night of Michael,
Speaker 2: I would absolutely purchase that table.
Speaker 1: I did find it like these people are brave, man,
Speaker 1: like you never brave. Part of the fun of going
Speaker 1: to a comedy club is you're anonymous in the audience
Speaker 1: and you're looking up at somebody who's performing.
Speaker 2: Ship do you call people heckler?
Speaker 1: Oh? Well, heckler is the audience and stuff. Crowd work
Speaker 1: is the term of art that refers to the comedian
Speaker 1: interacting with their audience. It's become rather popular in the
Speaker 1: last few years thanks to TikTok, and comedians like doing
Speaker 1: it because you can't shoot your act and put it
Speaker 1: up then people see it. So if you're like, hey,
Speaker 1: where are you from, that's disposable material that's happening right
Speaker 1: there that night, and if gold comes out of it,
Speaker 1: you get a bunch of laughs. Then you just put
Speaker 1: it up in your socials and stuff, because it's not
Speaker 1: like that's going to be able. You're not gonna be
Speaker 1: able to duplicate that at the next show, right, So
Speaker 1: you could see why it's become popular, and it has
Speaker 1: led to like comedians selling out and stuff like that,
Speaker 1: and now there's a backlash against it where people are like,
Speaker 1: look at tired of crowd work. Man, just do a
Speaker 1: fucking show. I'm not the show.
Speaker 2: I would be so scared.
Speaker 1: I'm not that guy. I'm not. They've asked me to
Speaker 1: do roasts. I can't do that ship. I can't. That
Speaker 1: being said, I'm not going to say I'm the king
Speaker 1: of crowd work, but as far back as I've been
Speaker 1: doing stand up, that's all I did, and do traditional
Speaker 1: stand up, I did crowd work. Q and A. Oh,
Speaker 1: that's true, absolute crowd work. It relies wholly on the
Speaker 1: audience of the conversation.
Speaker 2: The king of a Q and A, except the Q
Speaker 2: and A is only one person gets to ask their
Speaker 2: question and then you talk the whole time and then
Speaker 2: nobody else. That's what you said.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I feel like, never mind all that ship.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you this, what's up. I think I
Speaker 1: got some gigs us. Yeah, against it. If it was
Speaker 1: before the fiftieth show, you ready for this?
Speaker 2: Oh god, right, here's yeah.
Speaker 1: Well, comedy club in a college town I've played before,
Speaker 1: Jay has played it apparently recently. They were relatively new
Speaker 1: and he had a great success. A small venue, it's
Speaker 1: like one hundred and twenty or something. But they were like,
Speaker 1: do you think Kevin would ever come? And I was like, well,
Speaker 1: I like the town that it's in. I can't give
Speaker 1: details yet, so I was like, I would definitely think
Speaker 1: about doing it. So they reached out. Jordan was like,
Speaker 1: do you want to do shows there? And I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: how many shows? She's like seven? Oh my god. Well
Speaker 1: it's like a Thursday two and a Thursday too, and
Speaker 1: a Friday too, and a Saturday. Maybe one on a
Speaker 1: Sunday or whatever. I was like, let me just do
Speaker 1: two nights. Do Friday night, Saturday night? Two shows per night?
Speaker 2: Is it in this state?
Speaker 1: No, you'd have to get on a plane to go someplace.
Speaker 1: Increases the chances of it selling out. Why because here, well,
Speaker 1: number one, we live in Los Angeles, and nobody gives
Speaker 1: a fuck in Los Angeles. Nobody wants to pay for
Speaker 1: anything because you get everything for fucking free. True, and also,
Speaker 1: you know, fucking what they come see us to a podcast.
Speaker 1: But yet you could walk outside and like, well, god,
Speaker 1: there's fucking Taylor Swift and fucking that football dude. Famous
Speaker 1: people are everywhere. Diamond doesn't. But when you go to
Speaker 1: a college town or some town that's not fucking Los Angeles,
Speaker 1: like just picking randomly out of the air, Eugene, Oregon?
Speaker 2: Is that it?
Speaker 1: I said, just picking it up the air? Eugene, Oregon
Speaker 1: where they shot Animal House?
Speaker 2: Is that the town in question?
Speaker 1: Do you know? I know Oregon the entire state. I know, Well,
Speaker 1: we're friends in high school.
Speaker 3: It exists.
Speaker 1: We kind of fell out, but like I'd like to
Speaker 1: get to know again. Yeah. So basically it would be
Speaker 1: like four shows. I would do you and I would
Speaker 1: do the early show, and then I would do solo
Speaker 1: the late show. Okay, I get to see how you
Speaker 1: are in front of a live audience. Now it's gonna
Speaker 1: be different, and also like not for nothing, but you
Speaker 1: might want to talk to Jay first and be like
Speaker 1: your father's tough in a live show because they ain't
Speaker 1: like this all fucking Lucy Goosey and shit where it's
Speaker 1: just like all right, then what happens after I fucking
Speaker 1: get bit buddy. Oh you know, let's say you're doing
Speaker 1: it in the audience. Just this is like I went
Speaker 1: back to the elves so tired. Why do we pay
Speaker 1: for the show? It's better for free at Oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying. So here there's no audience, so
Speaker 1: you just do whatever you want and shit like that
Speaker 1: could lead to very funny flights of fancy. When you're
Speaker 1: on a stage, the dynamic of the show changes based
Speaker 1: on the audience because suddenly it's all about those laughs,
Speaker 1: because that's how the easiest way for you to know
Speaker 1: how you're doing right, Like people laughing. It's like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, we're killing this is great if you go real,
Speaker 1: you know, people if they do that at all. And
Speaker 1: when I go real, I tend to do it deeper
Speaker 1: into the show. Once everybody's like laughing, I feel like,
Speaker 1: all right, I got everything, and then I got this
Speaker 1: under control. Let me fucking throw them a curveball. My
Speaker 1: curve ball lately has been like, you know, two years
Speaker 1: ago from right now, I was in a loony bin
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, stuff like that, and you watch the
Speaker 1: audience like fucking tighten up, Like there's sphincters be like, wait, what,
Speaker 1: I don't want to it is real, I don't know.
Speaker 1: But then you know, you make it okay for them
Speaker 1: and stuff like that and start making jokes. So for
Speaker 1: years me and MOJ did some mydcasts in a room
Speaker 1: just like this, and then we finally took it live
Speaker 1: one day and the show completely changed. And I'm not
Speaker 1: saying for the better or for the worse. It just
Speaker 1: the live shows are different beasts than the home shows
Speaker 1: because there's a bunch of people sitting there not watching you,
Speaker 1: but letting you know how you're doing. So, I mean,
Speaker 1: it doesn't make it scary or anything. It just means
Speaker 1: that when you come, you come loaded for bear. Like
Speaker 1: you see how you wrote down that thing? Yeah, you
Speaker 1: write down four hundred things so that if something's not working,
Speaker 1: you could always pull something else up and be like,
Speaker 1: oh what about that? Like, because that's what Jay learned
Speaker 1: to do over time and stuff. It was like, you
Speaker 1: should bring a notebook and write down shit so that
Speaker 1: when you're up there you'll never run out of shit.
Speaker 1: To say, he took me very seriously, but it's fun,
Speaker 1: especially when you win the audience and you're just fucking
Speaker 1: making them laugh, and then you feel like a god
Speaker 1: because you're like, I control their emotions. I can make
Speaker 1: them so happy just by saying something inflecting it like this,
Speaker 1: Now I can bring joy. I'm in control emotions. You
Speaker 1: are much you are my pup. It's it's there's no
Speaker 1: better feeling in the world. It's intoxicating. As you want that.
Speaker 1: You've been in front of an audience as a person
Speaker 1: who does this ship and goes there, but you've also
Speaker 1: been in front of an audience talking as well. Q
Speaker 1: and A's are at the podcast we've done.
Speaker 2: I feel like I used to introduce you all the time. Yeah,
Speaker 2: as a kid, but like during yoga, hosers got too.
Speaker 2: I remember quite a few times I did. I roasted
Speaker 2: you one time we went to Comic Con.
Speaker 1: Why I wrote you out of the will, Yeah that
Speaker 1: makes sense. I gave everything to Nana Pop.
Speaker 2: Your other children.
Speaker 1: Yeah, man, fucking look, you'll have it easy. You'll have
Speaker 1: a man you know why why you can just fucking
Speaker 1: tag up easy layups against your old man fine youth
Speaker 1: rules and everybody hates old people so true. Now it's
Speaker 1: full of old people. So but that's your other way
Speaker 1: to win.
Speaker 2: I thought it was a college town.
Speaker 1: It's college town. Who do you think is gonna come out? Well,
Speaker 1: that's the thing. The dynamic could be different. Normally, when
Speaker 1: I go out there, I'm sitting next to some other
Speaker 1: old fucker and we're surrounded by old fuckers, and maybe
Speaker 1: they bring their kids. Maybe if they've gotten their kids
Speaker 1: into the shit. But you could change everything. It is
Speaker 1: a college town. Some people might just come to be like, well,
Speaker 1: he's got a daughter and she's not fucking fifty.
Speaker 2: You got a point.
Speaker 1: Or people might just come out of freak curiosity like.
Speaker 2: Ew beardless, tickless me.
Speaker 1: Eh, it's a father and a daughter talking to each other.
Speaker 1: How is that even a show? It sounds like a punishment.
Speaker 1: I got to check this out. Then you gotta be
Speaker 1: charming as fucking win them over, and.
Speaker 2: Shit, I can try my best.
Speaker 1: Sorry, your best is not good enough for you to do.
Speaker 2: Nice?
Speaker 1: But would you like to U you think you're ready
Speaker 1: to do this in front of people? I think you're
Speaker 1: ready for feeling it. You feel what you feel like.
Speaker 1: I am not confidence chip off the old block.
Speaker 2: How do how do we get people to come sell tickets? Well? Yeah,
Speaker 2: but but that's scary. What if nobody comes.
Speaker 1: I think that were here. Here's what happened. First, we
Speaker 1: put up those shows for sale, just those shows. So
Speaker 1: if you're in that area and you're like, all right,
Speaker 1: I want to see Kevin Smith. This is how I'm
Speaker 1: going to see Kevin Smith. Cool, Like, I'll check it out.
Speaker 1: He's funny. I've seen him talk to other people and
Speaker 1: ship why not his kid? Once the show sells out,
Speaker 1: then I add the late shows where it's me by
Speaker 1: myself and they're like, oh, I get the best.
Speaker 2: Of both worlds giving away your plan right now.
Speaker 1: But marketing, sorry, I'm not trying out with the audience,
Speaker 1: but it is like, you know, for those who are listening, yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess they're like, oh, there's going to be two
Speaker 1: bites at this apple. But here, it's easy for me
Speaker 1: to tell this audience that because they would be more
Speaker 1: inclined to be going to beer. The stickless means ken that.
Speaker 2: I mean, Hey, if Eugene, Oregon will have us, I
Speaker 2: will be there feeling it. I'm feeling it now.
Speaker 1: When soon, I mean at least like probably a month
Speaker 1: two months, because we need a month to sell tickets,
Speaker 1: So at least one month or two months away okay,
Speaker 1: but the club is like, we'll do this, but the
Speaker 1: deal is that you have to let elves suck your blood,
Speaker 1: a thousand of them every day for a year. Yeah,
Speaker 1: on stage while people watch. You're gonna sell tickets to it.
Speaker 2: That's the show.
Speaker 1: That's the second show. First show is beer. Listen with me.
Speaker 1: They're like, nobody wants to go to Kevin's the solo show.
Speaker 1: Now the elves eat your daughter. People will pay to
Speaker 1: see that. That's how bad do you want fame?
Speaker 2: Not that bad.
Speaker 1: Where you start paying with blood. Blood in the filthy
Speaker 1: mouth of a dirty elf who won't brush.
Speaker 2: His teeth, who has a tooth infection.
Speaker 1: Won't wear a dental damn disrespectful little focks. It doesn't
Speaker 1: feel right, It doesn't. That's good, but hey, that's the
Speaker 1: rubbers arcade.
Speaker 2: We now, Oh the elves, the silly elves.
Speaker 1: That's when they break the pottery and put it to
Speaker 1: your dug ezer, my friend, see my arm bro good body, Helphi.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, your mom said something funny yesterday that
Speaker 1: made me go, like what, I can't remember.
Speaker 2: She said something.
Speaker 1: Funny, funny in the moment that was actually pretty fire.
Speaker 2: All right, but not fire enough to remember.
Speaker 1: Remember, But I did remember laughing with not that.
Speaker 2: A rare occasion, no kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Who
Speaker 2: said that?
Speaker 1: All right? If you were in control of the show,
Speaker 1: did you only have that one hypothetical? And that was that?
Speaker 1: Oh my god? What driving? Holy shit?
Speaker 6: All right, let's see what else we got in this
Speaker 6: notes up?
Speaker 1: Watching anything? How about here? How about this? What'd you
Speaker 1: do this weekend? Kid?
Speaker 2: This weekend?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Tell him that?
Speaker 2: Oh okay, where'd to go?
Speaker 3: All right?
Speaker 1: Fucking leg elves sucking my dick? Where you went?
Speaker 2: I thought that. I thought that's what people wanted, That's.
Speaker 1: What I wanted. I was off for I'm so proud.
Speaker 1: I can't wait to go home upstairs. I can't wait
Speaker 1: to go upstairs. Tell your mother, like, finally she's coming
Speaker 1: up their own hypotheses. She's like, they involved sex. I'm like,
Speaker 1: not yet, but they will No, they never will run
Speaker 1: out murder.
Speaker 2: I was also thinking there could be a new category
Speaker 2: that's do you know your daughter's dot dot dot boyfriend?
Speaker 2: And I asked you questions about Austin instead of me,
Speaker 2: is it.
Speaker 1: Dot dot dot boyfriend, dot dot dot cat, dot dot
Speaker 1: dot rabbit? Like you can fill in any category. Yeah,
Speaker 1: was it that or no?
Speaker 2: But it could be anything you want.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can do that because then you know, like
Speaker 1: sooner or later, I'll know everything there is to know
Speaker 1: about Austin. But like Austin Bellingham, Yep, Austin Bellinghamager Marjorie.
Speaker 1: Isn't it Austin Austin, Philip Austin Philip Arthur Charles Zager, Yes,
Speaker 1: Austin Slappy Zager.
Speaker 2: There, there you go, Austin. I'll give you the initials
Speaker 2: A m Z and.
Speaker 1: Austin Michael Austin Michell after his father. My brother is
Speaker 1: a is a masculine junior.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Donald.
Speaker 1: My dad's name was Donald. Then my brother's name is Donald.
Speaker 2: It's also the do you know.
Speaker 1: Who I'm named after? Kevin Patrick, the saint?
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: Excuse me. Uh well Patrick does count for the middle name?
Speaker 2: Yeah, Oh Kevin, Kevin Kevin James.
Speaker 1: The King of Queen's was a huge show that my
Speaker 1: mother loves, and she was like a name. If it's
Speaker 1: a girl, it's Leah, and if it's a boy, it's Kevin.
Speaker 2: No, Kevin.
Speaker 1: It was, as we know, based on the fourth Ory movie.
Speaker 1: It was going to be briand yes, of course there
Speaker 1: was another Brian David. My mom pivoted with Kevin. But
Speaker 1: why Kevin? But why for my uncle.
Speaker 4: keV?
Speaker 1: Which I had none? So no, nothing. She just picked it.
Speaker 1: I think mamily picked it just so she could call
Speaker 1: me Kevin from him. Ah 's a high bar your life.
Speaker 1: I'm like I am from heaven?
Speaker 2: Are I?
Speaker 1: My mother told me? And she never lies. Let me
Speaker 1: tell you something about Momily. I love Momily to death.
Speaker 1: She ain't above the liar two O. Momily is a
Speaker 1: Catholic that was like, you know, some of the ships
Speaker 1: for the birds. She'd never say that, but you know
Speaker 1: she was like Momily loves loved God and perhaps still does.
Speaker 1: She's just not churchy anymore and stuff. But she loved
Speaker 1: a bargain more.
Speaker 2: And you know what, who could blame her?
Speaker 1: Sometimes in order to get the best bargains aka the
Speaker 1: fabled five finger discount, you have to turn the blind
Speaker 1: eye to the Lord.
Speaker 2: Does momiy uh fuck with Marshalls and TJ Max.
Speaker 1: Like I do?
Speaker 3: Momily?
Speaker 1: Given her druthers, Momily would wake up in those stores.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, she doesn't do it quite so much anymore.
Speaker 1: But when she was driving because mommy gave up the car.
Speaker 1: When she was driving, she would go like to the
Speaker 1: dollar Store and buy hundreds of dollars worth of things
Speaker 1: to give away, to give away, gives this show up
Speaker 1: at a person's house and be like, here's a tablecloth.
Speaker 1: And she's still like going to those stores as well.
Speaker 1: So yeah, Momily would. If you were in Florida and
Speaker 1: you were like, mom Y, I'm taking it Home Goods, she'd.
Speaker 2: Be like, oh fuck yeah, Bridley Nana. We oh we
Speaker 2: hit up, We hit up Marshalls and we hit up
Speaker 2: home Goods and it's a great time because you never
Speaker 2: know what you're gonna find, because it's different every day.
Speaker 1: You know what you're going to find, the same crap
Speaker 1: you'll find in every home goods across country. Do you
Speaker 1: know where you get something one of a kind?
Speaker 2: That's her store.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, miss Jackson, but this ship's for real. See
Speaker 1: these fucking Wanda and Vision Vision and the Scarlet Witch
Speaker 1: Paint giant paintings behind me.
Speaker 2: They're really nice.
Speaker 1: Got that on Facebook Marketplace man from Katie Bettini.
Speaker 2: Oh nice, Katie.
Speaker 1: Not only do I get these, man, look how they
Speaker 1: make me so happy? They're so vibrant, ship. She painted
Speaker 1: them during.
Speaker 2: They are really vibrant.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, they're fucking phenomenal. You should, you should,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you something.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, come on, you literally already have one of those,
Speaker 2: and I hate it. I'm trying to collect them all.
Speaker 1: Her dor as like a comic book.
Speaker 2: Super Oh really yeah.
Speaker 1: Like pick a body that's like, you know, like you
Speaker 1: would recognize, like maybe the Fantastic for like a Soux
Speaker 1: Storm or something like that. I gotta figure out which one.
Speaker 1: Maybe a dead pull up? You know what?
Speaker 2: Have you seen the The X Men rumor casting?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Oh you have not.
Speaker 1: I've been busy. After I went to New Jersey. Well,
Speaker 1: I never even finished talking about my I went to
Speaker 1: Multicon and then I had Yeah where.
Speaker 2: You said I don't like I do.
Speaker 1: And then I went to Babylon that night and stuff
Speaker 1: in Covina and Covino was Discovery. Then I got on
Speaker 1: a plane the next morning flew to Schmadcastle Shinemas in
Speaker 1: New Jersey.
Speaker 2: Tracy Morgan was Tracy came.
Speaker 1: To see cop out for the fifteenth anniversary screen and
Speaker 1: I'm seeing Tracy in Honestly, I was thinking about it,
Speaker 1: and I think since the fucking premiere. Wow, Like I
Speaker 1: was texting with him before he got into the car accident,
Speaker 1: which he fucking brought up at one point, and like,
Speaker 1: I lost my ship on stage. I was laughing so
Speaker 1: hard because Tracy, like part of Tracy's whole thing is
Speaker 1: he like he like he does boasty things like gum
Speaker 1: on gids Zolti's pregnant, you know. But he was talking.
Speaker 1: He was up there and he was talking about like
Speaker 1: adversity and ship and he was like, you can't kill me.
Speaker 1: No one could kill me. He goes Walmart, couldn't kill
Speaker 1: me because truck almost killed him. He was in an accident,
Speaker 1: a really bad accent coming home from a show. I
Speaker 1: don't know if they were on a tour bus or
Speaker 1: just a regular like pass band kind of thing, but
Speaker 1: they Tracy came insanely close to dying. This was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I remember, and he did lose his friend. Oh, it
Speaker 1: was a bad accident. It took him a while to
Speaker 1: get back, you know, up on his feet. But now
Speaker 1: you would never fucking tell. So he was up there
Speaker 1: talking about that, but Joe like he wasn't talking about that,
Speaker 1: but dropping a reference to that in a joke. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like I didn't see that shit coming. Talk about like
Speaker 1: way to deal with your trauma? Man, Yeah, turned into
Speaker 1: some comedy, but he was absolutely fucking lovely and stuff,
Speaker 1: and you want to talk about trauma bonding. Him and
Speaker 1: I went through a thing together and it was nice
Speaker 1: to kind of be up there. And it wasn't like,
Speaker 1: let's shoot it on fucking Bruce, not at all. Like
Speaker 1: watching the movie from end to end, which I have
Speaker 1: not done in fifteen fucking years. I didn't fuck with
Speaker 1: this movie like I fucked with my own because I
Speaker 1: wrote my own and I continue to build my universe
Speaker 1: and shit like that. The cop out was like fraught
Speaker 1: with a bunch of shit, including like all the stuff
Speaker 1: with Bruce, and this was coming on the heels of
Speaker 1: two Fat to Fly and then like I got in
Speaker 1: a fight with critics and shit like that. It's so
Speaker 1: interesting time, Oh my god, nightmare. So I it's not
Speaker 1: a movie every visited. I've never had like the poster
Speaker 1: framed in the house or anything like that. And watching
Speaker 1: it like at on Sunday at the podcastle like it's
Speaker 1: a fucking It's like, so I'm so wishy washy, like
Speaker 1: a fuck. Critic goes like you suck, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: you're right, I suck. It's a goodass movie. It's fun.
Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever seen it like he he
Speaker 1: makes it like Tracy is absolutely like comedically wonderful. Like
Speaker 1: he literally makes me laugh out loud throughout the movie funny.
Speaker 1: But Bruce like does Bruce, you know, and like that's
Speaker 1: the thing. He didn't want to. He was kind of
Speaker 1: tired of playing Bruce at that point. But he gives
Speaker 1: good Bruce. The whole time I was watching the movie,
Speaker 1: I wasn't sitting there going like, oh he made it
Speaker 1: hard and shit. I was like, man, fucking I got
Speaker 1: to work with Bruce Belson. Look there he is giving
Speaker 1: me full Bruce Willis and shit like that. But yeah,
Speaker 1: it was. It was wonderful. It was very therapeutic. And
Speaker 1: then he got up before the screening and chit Chad,
Speaker 1: and then he got up afterwards and chit chatted as well,
Speaker 1: and then he signed the wall and then he had
Speaker 1: to get out. But it was absolutely fucking wonderful and
Speaker 1: nice to you know, like when bad things happen in
Speaker 1: you know, movies and shit like that. I've often described
Speaker 1: it as like I described it this way, in front
Speaker 1: of somebody. Oh. I was on a panel on Saturday
Speaker 1: at Multicon. I was on a panel with Robert Kirkman
Speaker 1: Walking Dead and Invincible and Rob Leifeld who created a
Speaker 1: dead Pool and the fucking Marvel kids that helped create
Speaker 1: image or co created image and shit. And I was
Speaker 1: talking about like what happens like when a movie flops, man,
Speaker 1: Like it's it's like you know, in the Bible, when
Speaker 1: fucking Jesus gets arrested and all the apostles scatter and
Speaker 1: they're like, hey, you knew that guy, right, and like, no, no,
Speaker 1: I never heard of Jesus. And then you hear cock
Speaker 1: brow and like that that it's there's you know, cop
Speaker 1: Out didn't flop. It's actually my highest grossing film. Wow,
Speaker 1: But I ran from that movie when all was said
Speaker 1: and done and shit. And it was nice to engage
Speaker 1: with it with him in the room and him talking
Speaker 1: about it, being like, you know, this was my shot,
Speaker 1: Like I shot this movie down the street from where
Speaker 1: I was born, in my neighborhood. It's really really kind
Speaker 1: of speed that sweet. And then the next day I
Speaker 1: got on a plane and I went to a place
Speaker 1: so I can't double yet to do some scouting location
Speaker 1: scouting for the new motion picture.
Speaker 2: That's extremely exact.
Speaker 1: And then I came home yesterday.
Speaker 2: I was in Rhode Island.
Speaker 1: Yes, Like, I was like, tell them what you did?
Speaker 2: Hold on, I'll tell them what I hold on one second?
Speaker 1: What the fuck are you doing Rhode Island? I was filming,
Speaker 1: trying to feel big because it's a small estate. There
Speaker 1: is you.
Speaker 2: Well, it is so clever?
Speaker 3: Have you so clever?
Speaker 2: But you do that ship to me all the time.
Speaker 1: I never mock your fucking material.
Speaker 3: Are you kidding?
Speaker 1: Are you?
Speaker 2: All you do all day is want me to make
Speaker 2: fun of me. That's all you do.
Speaker 1: All you fucking do. Yeah, all right, tell them what
Speaker 1: did you do in Rhode Island?
Speaker 2: I was part of the special secret project motion picture.
Speaker 1: I wish what what part of Rhode Island?
Speaker 2: I was all over the place.
Speaker 1: Seriously all over. It doesn't take long.
Speaker 2: Like I was driving all I felt like you.
Speaker 1: Because I was driving all around.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was driving all around.
Speaker 1: Hoke. I was to call you Hoke and Ship because
Speaker 1: you were behind the wheel of the car driving this daisy.
Speaker 1: They didn't, but I'm supposed to drive you wig.
Speaker 2: I was in Providence.
Speaker 1: I was in Newport, Providence World Newport. Oh that's where
Speaker 1: I got the big houses.
Speaker 2: Yes, the mansions if you will.
Speaker 1: Yeah, my brother used to fuck with that when I
Speaker 1: was a kid, Like he went there. Yeah, my mother
Speaker 1: still talks about it to this day. My sister's moving
Speaker 1: to Providence. Yeah, only fan or only listener, the person
Speaker 1: we do those whole fun.
Speaker 2: The only person listening right now.
Speaker 1: Truly shout out to my sister Virginia and her husband
Speaker 1: Eric and Sabine, her daughter, are moving to Providence. That
Speaker 1: they looked all around that they used to live over
Speaker 1: in Europe and one on Vienna, so they're coming back.
Speaker 1: They looked at six different seven different cities, and they
Speaker 1: were like, we're going to Providence. So next time you.
Speaker 2: Go back, I will see that.
Speaker 1: I would you go back to Providence? Sure?
Speaker 2: I had so much good food you wouldn't believe.
Speaker 1: Seriously, Oh my god, Now is it vegan food that's
Speaker 1: like real vegetables and ship would I've hated it? No?
Speaker 2: You would have actually loved the food that I had.
Speaker 2: I had like fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy like she
Speaker 2: like that pastas of all kinds.
Speaker 1: None of them includes vegetables.
Speaker 2: No, and then no vegetable. It was, oh my god,
Speaker 2: it was so good. Onion rings, br bogos.
Speaker 1: How many days were you there? Goos? How many days
Speaker 1: were you there? How was the bogo tonight?
Speaker 2: It's extremely good. My dad made me some bogos for dinner.
Speaker 1: What's how many days are you there for? How many
Speaker 1: meals did you have? Uh?
Speaker 2: Well, we were there for two full days and we
Speaker 2: got there on Thursday night, had a meal, then the
Speaker 2: next two days had three meals a day, as one does,
Speaker 2: I guess, so seven's we hit seven different spots, seven
Speaker 2: different spots.
Speaker 1: Different vegan joints. Yes, and do you have to pay
Speaker 1: at everyone?
Speaker 2: No, come in, didn't have to pay a single.
Speaker 1: One because you're doing a thing.
Speaker 2: We're doing a thing.
Speaker 1: We ate here and what good you should come here
Speaker 1: to the end that kind of thing. Yes, that's a
Speaker 1: good racket right there.
Speaker 2: It was pretty cool there, just eating your way around.
Speaker 1: It's a grown up trick or treat. It literally was
Speaker 1: like fucking trick.
Speaker 2: Except I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 3: Food was good, but too much of it.
Speaker 1: I remember once this is back in the non vegan days.
Speaker 2: Steak tartar.
Speaker 1: Never mind that, but yes, when I went. I was
Speaker 1: working for the Tonight Show, me and Andy mccalfish doing
Speaker 1: bits for the Tonight Show. We went to Philadelphia or
Speaker 1: as you used to call it, Ciliadelphia, and we did
Speaker 1: a cheese steak a cheese steak run. Oh and so
Speaker 1: we went to eight different cheese steak joints.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I had.
Speaker 1: I ate a cheese steak at each one, like a
Speaker 1: whole cheese steak. Eight cheese steaks in two hours. I
Speaker 1: was like, I kept it all down. It was amazing.
Speaker 2: I had a lot of bread steak egg rolls.
Speaker 1: Oh.
Speaker 2: It was fan.
Speaker 1: They did that in Newport in Rhode Island.
Speaker 2: In Rhode Island, in Providence. It was fantastic.
Speaker 1: Did here I was in where I just was which
Speaker 1: I can't divulge just yet, but it was down in
Speaker 1: the south.
Speaker 2: Was there vegan food?
Speaker 1: Shockingly yes? Wow, oh bro there was like Whole Foods.
Speaker 1: There was a Sprouts. This place is civilized. They did
Speaker 1: have a restaurant called the Slutty Vecan.
Speaker 2: They have a Slutty Vegan there.
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's the same, but it's called
Speaker 1: the Slutty Vegan. They have a a housemade patty not
Speaker 1: beyond or.
Speaker 2: I would have to guess it's the same, because that's
Speaker 2: like a trademark situation. Oh my gosh, it's crazy.
Speaker 1: They they but they had a lot of a lot
Speaker 1: of things there. Okay, but wait, why was I talking
Speaker 1: about this?
Speaker 2: We love vegan food.
Speaker 1: I know, no, but there was a specific reason in
Speaker 1: the place I went. You went to a place there,
Speaker 1: and then you did it, and then you and then
Speaker 1: you can no, there was something fucking about it about
Speaker 1: the place. I wanted to fuck fuck me if I
Speaker 1: could remember.
Speaker 2: You can't remember.
Speaker 1: I mean here, you should remember. You should be able
Speaker 1: to pull that up right away and be like, oh,
Speaker 1: we were talking about that?
Speaker 2: Are you kidding me? My memory is worse than yours.
Speaker 2: Between the weed and the antidepresents and ain't too good
Speaker 2: up there.
Speaker 1: We need a third We need mom to sit here
Speaker 1: so she could throw out ship and be like, you
Speaker 1: were talking about this, that's true, someone to take notes.
Speaker 1: But Mom would be like, like, Jim, what were we
Speaker 1: talking about? She would be like, not me.
Speaker 2: So true, so true. Actually I wish you were talking
Speaker 2: about me a little more about me.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, yeah, man, it.
Speaker 2: Was sorry, I keep coughing.
Speaker 1: God, why did I fucking bring up the police. I
Speaker 1: don't know.
Speaker 2: I can't read your mind.
Speaker 1: It wasn't the food.
Speaker 2: Did you buy a thing.
Speaker 1: You do around me with like did that phone?
Speaker 2: Sorry?
Speaker 1: That like a fucking Rhode Island. Rhode Islands got food?
Speaker 2: Remember how you were like, you mock me and I
Speaker 2: don't mock you.
Speaker 1: I don't know that's mocking.
Speaker 2: Oh mocking god, bruh, How the hell would I know?
Speaker 1: What were we talking about before that?
Speaker 2: We were talking about your trip and then my trip.
Speaker 1: And then your trip, and then you said something and
Speaker 1: then I was like.
Speaker 2: Philly cheese steak egg rolls.
Speaker 1: Yeah, hold on all right, stay there, Philly cheese stake rolls.
Speaker 2: You went on that food tour with Andy?
Speaker 1: Yeah? And you then you well, I talked about the
Speaker 1: cheese and then he were like, bro, I had Billy
Speaker 1: cheese take egg rolls.
Speaker 6: And I was like, yep, it's gone. It's lost in.
Speaker 1: The imagine if it was like, oh, this is where
Speaker 1: I finally tell her where I buried her inheritance.
Speaker 2: Fucking remember.
Speaker 1: I remember, did you see the case of that motherfucking
Speaker 1: dude who like had a bunch of bitcoin on a
Speaker 1: drive and then hissed it out by accident, dude, and
Speaker 1: then was like trying to find it. And first he
Speaker 1: was trying to find it, then he was trying to
Speaker 1: open it, have it opened remotely, and the courts were like, no,
Speaker 1: that that big. Unless you can find the drive, that
Speaker 1: shit is lost. And he kind of found like a
Speaker 1: place where it might be, this landfill because now he's
Speaker 1: got a bunch of investors together because he's trying it.
Speaker 1: He's trying to get investors together because he wants to
Speaker 1: buy the entire landfill so he can find it because
Speaker 1: it's seven hundred and sixty million dollars.
Speaker 2: Are you unfamiliar with the fact that Austin did an
Speaker 2: episode of nine to one one where he played got
Speaker 2: you lost a hard drive?
Speaker 1: With millions of crypto Ronald keep telling your story ship
Speaker 1: you read it online? Austin lived nine one one on
Speaker 1: Gay right. I keep hearing who I saw Ernie this weekend?
Speaker 1: It's Podcastle Keeper Ernie O'Donnell And he was like, man
Speaker 1: fucking Austin blowing up right, And I was like, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, He's like, I see him in commercials all
Speaker 1: the time. I was like, do you mean you see
Speaker 1: him in the same two commercials all the time. Ye
Speaker 1: still no, but it's their high rotation. Is he even
Speaker 1: more than two commercials? Is he?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: So the Hulk one?
Speaker 2: Oh, actually he's three.
Speaker 1: Coming Pizza Little Caesars. Yeah, I mean, if it was,
Speaker 1: I've said that out loud. Fucking I think I think
Speaker 1: I'm battle on this weekend. I was talking. You talked
Speaker 1: about Austin's, Yeah, because that was because Ralph brought him up.
Speaker 1: Ralphs like Austin's everywhere these days.
Speaker 2: Really everybody's talking about me.
Speaker 1: I sat that boy down, said you marry my daughter
Speaker 1: right now. Pizza, pizza, pizza money, and ship have a
Speaker 1: little Caesar's money. And then I lobbied for him to
Speaker 1: become a live action Little Caesar looks like him, the
Speaker 1: fuzzy hair and fucking the heighth thing, all these pizza
Speaker 1: pizza you guys should do that for Halloween. He could
Speaker 1: be the pizza pizza guy and you could be up pizza.
Speaker 1: That's kind of smart, I'm saying. And then people would
Speaker 1: be like, little Caesar, you're gonna eat that pizza? What
Speaker 1: if you look around to make sure I'm not there
Speaker 1: and be like, damn eat that pizza. And that's when
Speaker 1: I walk in the room.
Speaker 2: He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, all right, what
Speaker 2: if he gets in trouble? Who Austin?
Speaker 1: You mean pregnant? Nozzizzad he lost it? And Ship No.
Speaker 1: He comes home one night and he was just like, Hey,
Speaker 1: we're going to offer me a fucking deal. But you're
Speaker 1: a loud mouth old man. I mean, first they have
Speaker 1: to listen to beardless stick with me.
Speaker 2: Good luck, guys.
Speaker 1: Nobody gonna hear you know who knows now you're and
Speaker 1: Virginian mamaly. That's not true.
Speaker 3: Man.
Speaker 1: When I was out there in the world, A heard
Speaker 1: I met some beardless stick with Me listeners. I told
Speaker 1: you I saw dick lid shirts in the audience and
Speaker 1: Ship and none. The motherfucker was like, picture.
Speaker 2: Hair ticklet's out in the wild happening.
Speaker 1: That's why when we do that live show, some people
Speaker 1: might travel. Man. Chris Davis has been known to jump
Speaker 1: on a plane to go to I.
Speaker 2: Was gonna say, Chris Davis and Hardy might come come through.
Speaker 1: I mean that'd be cross country track because they live
Speaker 1: in Massachusetts. I mean you could definitely, I mean not definitely,
Speaker 1: but I bet you they would go to the Jersey
Speaker 1: show for sure, but you know, I think that could
Speaker 1: be exciting. Would you play music at the show? Would
Speaker 1: you close out with? Probably not, he said there strung
Speaker 1: Maybe people shoot any fish? Fish got no fee what
Speaker 1: you're sucking it up?
Speaker 3: Shot shot.
Speaker 1: That come out of stage.
Speaker 2: And then you're like, you go behind the curtain again.
Speaker 1: Shoot fish because he's sucking up again.
Speaker 3: We heard that.
Speaker 1: Stop playing. We heard that and it's hurtful.
Speaker 2: I like how you walk like I come out.
Speaker 1: Like that, And now we're all just gonna sit here
Speaker 1: until we're polite to my daughter, and she covers Nirvana.
Speaker 2: With some tweaked lyrics.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she's getting them wrong, but like she's just trying.
Speaker 6: Okay, she's trying.
Speaker 1: She just wants entertained so badly. I trying to entertain you.
Speaker 2: Please let her come up. I told her, it makes
Speaker 2: you feel like a god.
Speaker 3: Please.
Speaker 5: It's not okay because they got all the bee.
Speaker 1: Sure, I'm pretty sure one of two things happening after
Speaker 1: this Bugget show. She's quitting the business and he's probably
Speaker 1: going back in the movie.
Speaker 2: I'm coming with.
Speaker 3: What the cover is gone.
Speaker 2: My mouth it's from smiling.
Speaker 1: Smile. You're not up there even doing it. You're like,
Speaker 1: it's okay.
Speaker 2: No, it's not okay in my version. It's not okay
Speaker 2: in my version.
Speaker 1: He's not okaying, Like she's going to too hard dig
Speaker 1: and fee you. Hey, that's me come back like you did.
Speaker 2: You just did in the audience, crab shuffle up, Grab.
Speaker 4: Shut.
Speaker 2: It again, you crabs.
Speaker 1: Pretty nice to try.
Speaker 3: She make it hard.
Speaker 1: The crops really got me another thing. T shirts still on. So,
Speaker 1: oh my god, oh my god.
Speaker 2: The crab shovel.
Speaker 1: There it is, kids, there's beardless this week.
Speaker 2: You didn't need a minute to calm down from that one.
Speaker 1: I thank you Grab. That's how you have to enter
Speaker 1: stage when you go perform live. For the first time,
Speaker 1: I saw a ghost h for beardless stick. This's me.
Speaker 1: I'm Krabby Kevin Smith and I.
Speaker 2: Am grabs a lot, Harley.
Speaker 1: Go have a beardless dickless day.
Speaker 7: This has been a podcast production s podcast podcast using
Speaker 7: our mouths on you since two thousand and seven. Hey, kids,
Speaker 7: did you like what you just heard? Well, guess what.
Speaker 7: We've got tons more, man thousands of hours of podcasts
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Speaker 1: Go sign up now.