MARK: Welcome to another glorious Wednesday in the Gate City, where the wind finally stopped blowing just long enough for the sun to decide it's actually mid-July. This is Happening in Pocatello, the only local news brief that accurately reflects the level of disdain we have for our own life choices. I'm Mark, and I'm currently looking for a way to turn my sarcasm into a renewable energy source because, let's face it, that's the only thing this city produces in surplus besides potholes and broken dreams.

JOLEEN: And I'm Joleen, the upbeat voice of reason who's currently staring at a thermometer and wondering if I've finally descended into the fiery pits of hell or if Pocatello's weather just has a sick sense of humor. Seriously, what's with this heat? It's March eighteenth, and I'm sweating like a sinner in a stake house. We're supposedly the fifth best-performing city in the nation according to some fancy index, but I'm pretty sure that's just because they didn't factor in the cost of antidepressants and the fact that our roads look like they've been used for target practice by a drunk deity.

MARK: The Milken Institute really loves us for some reason. Maybe they just like the aesthetic of orange barrels. But look, we've got a lot of shit to get through today. If you want to yell at us for being assholes, you can reach us at pocatello at the happening network dot com. Make sure you like, subscribe, and leave a comment explaining why we're wrong about everything, because your validation is the only thing keeping Joleen from running into the Portneuf River and never coming back.

JOLEEN: Don't tempt me, Mark. That river is the only thing cold enough right now to satisfy my cynical soul. But before I go for a swim, let's talk about the actual news that doesn't involve our own personal meltdowns. Starting with the fact that the state of Idaho is apparently broke. Well, not broke-broke, but we're looking at a forty-four million dollar deficit. Who would've thought that cutting taxes like they're going out of style while funding private school vouchers would lead to a budget crunch? It's almost like math is real.

MARK: Math is just a suggestion in Boise, Joleen. They're too busy signing 'crappy bills' to care about revenue. Governor Little literally signed a bill that he himself called crappy, which is the most Idaho thing I've heard all week. It's like he's saying, 'I know this is hot garbage, but the hardliners will eat me alive if I don't sign it, so here's some more trash for the pile.' Meanwhile, those of us who actually have to drive to work are waking up to gas prices that jumped ten cents overnight. Ten cents! Because nothing says 'I love the working class' like a sudden kick in the wallet during a heat wave.

JOLEEN: It's insane. I went to the pump this morning and almost had a stroke. It's like the gas stations saw the weather report and decided we needed to pay a 'sunshine tax.' And speaking of people who shouldn't have nice things, did you see the headlines about that Pocatello guy, Daniel Ramirez? He finally accepted a plea deal on those rape and child pornography charges. They dismissed a bunch of the charges in exchange for the plea, which is the kind of legal maneuvering that makes me want to drink my lunch. It's a heavy start to the day, but that's the reality of the local blotter.

MARK: It's grim as hell. But if you want a weird Idaho story to balance out the horror, someone over near Driggs died after driving their car into a dead elk. A dead elk! That's the most peak-Idaho way to go out. You're just minding your own business, cruising down Highway thirty-three, and a literal carcass ends it for you. It's a reminder that even when the humans aren't trying to kill you, the wildlife is playing the long game from beyond the grave.

JOLEEN: That's terrifying and weirdly poetic in a very dark way. But moving on to the kids, who are luckily not driving into elk yet. School District twenty-five has some updates. Kindergarten registration opens this Friday, March twentieth. So, if you've got a tiny human who's ready to start their journey into the bureaucracy of public education, now's your chance. Also, Spring Break starts next Monday. A whole week of parents trying to figure out what the hell to do with their children while the sun beats down on us.

MARK: Good luck to those parents. I'll be inside with my blinds shut, pretending the outside world doesn't exist. The district is also still pushing that 'Mayor's Million Minute Marathon' reading challenge. I love the idea of children reading, but calling it a 'marathon' makes it sound like a chore. 'Hey kid, go run twenty-six miles with your brain.' Just let them read their comic books in peace. At least the Highland High rebuild is still chugging along. They're still promising a twenty-twenty-seven finish, but I've lived in Pocatello long enough to know that 'twenty-twenty-seven' is code for 'sometime before the sun expands and swallows the earth'.

JOLEEN: You're such a dickhead about the construction, Mark. They're trying! But yeah, I'll believe the Highland rebuild is done when I see students actually walking through doors and not just trailers. Speaking of things that are actually finished and great, I hit up The Union Taproom the other night. You know, the spot inside the old Hotel Yellowstone? It's actually legit. They've got these Elote bites that are ten-out-of-ten. They've got a bit of a kick, which is nice since most food in this town is seasoned with nothing but salt and regret.

MARK: I've heard the Bison burgers there are actually decent too. It's a weird vibe, though, being in that historic building. You're sitting there eating cauliflower wings and you're pretty sure a ghost from nineteen-twenty is judging your fashion choices. But honestly, the atmosphere is chic, or whatever word the kids use for 'doesn't look like a basement.' They kick out anyone under twenty-one after ten p.m., which is the best news I've heard all day. Finally, a place where I don't have to listen to a toddler scream while I'm trying to enjoy a whiskey.

JOLEEN: The three-thirteen whiskey bar next door is also part of that whole setup. They've got over a hundred and fifty whiskeys. If you can't find something to dull the pain of living in a desert heat wave there, you aren't trying hard enough. It's part of that whole downtown revitalization thing. It's nice to see Old Town not just being a collection of empty storefronts and places that sell vintage spoons. But if you're going to eat there, get the fish and chips. They're surprisingly crispy for being hundred of miles from an actual ocean.

MARK: I'll stick to the Bison. It feels more on-brand for a guy who complains about the state budget. Let's talk sports for a second before I lose my mind. The ISU softball team played Utah State yesterday. It was a total pitcher's duel, but the Bengals couldn't pull it off. They lost two-to-one. It's frustrating because they actually had the lead for a bit, but then the Aggies decided to ruin the party with a home run in the sixth. It's a classic Bengal move--give us hope and then take it away with a line drive to first base.

JOLEEN: Hey, they're the preseason favorites in the Big Sky for a reason! They've got Ava Brown, who's basically a human highlight reel. She's already got eight homers this season. They're back home at Miller Ranch Stadium for some games soon, so if you want to watch some actual talent, go check them out. Also, spring football practice started yesterday, March seventeenth. Coach Hawkins has the boys out there in this heat. I don't envy them. Running drills in seventy-degree weather when you're used to sub-zero temperatures is a special kind of torture.

MARK: It's good for them. Builds character. Or heat stroke. One of the two. If you're looking for something to do this weekend that doesn't involve sweating on a field, the Comedy Project is doing their 'Improvathon' starting Thursday night. It's basically forty-eight hours of people making things up on the fly. It's either going to be brilliant or a complete disaster, which is why it's worth going. There's nothing more entertaining than watching someone fail at being funny in real time. It's like looking in a mirror for me, really.

JOLEEN: You're already doing an Improvathon every day, Mark. On Friday, the Friends of the Marshall Public Library are having a book sale. It's a great way to buy a bunch of books you'll never read for like fifty cents. And on Friday night, the Idaho State-Civic Symphony is doing a 'Pops' concert with someone called Bad Snacks. She's a DJ and violinist. It sounds like a 'genre-blurring' show, which usually means I won't understand what's happening, but I'll nod my head like I'm cultured.

MARK: Bad Snacks is a great name. That's basically my entire diet. If you're more into 'tradition,' the Lewis and Clark Trader Gun Show is at the fairgrounds on Saturday and Sunday. And the Crafters Market is back at Station Square on Saturday. So you can buy a handgun and a hand-knitted scarf in the same afternoon. That's the Pocatello dream right there. Diversity in our hobbies is important. But seriously, the weather is the real story here. We've got a Red Flag Warning starting today.

JOLEEN: A Red Flag Warning in March! That's just stupid. The National Weather Service is basically saying, 'Hey, it's hot, it's dry, and it's windy, so please don't be a dumbass and start a fire.' We're looking at record-breaking temperatures. We hit seventy-one today, and we might hit eighty by the weekend. I didn't sign up for this. I live in Idaho because I like to complain about the cold. If I wanted to live in a furnace, I'd move to St. George and join a cult.

MARK: The 'dome of cold air' from Canada is currently losing the fight against the 'pull of warm air' from the southwest. It's like a meteorological boxing match and we're the ones getting punched in the face. It's weirdly calm right now, but the wind is supposed to pick up again on Saturday. So, enjoy the stillness while it lasts, because soon we'll be back to having our trash cans blown three blocks away. And don't forget the humidity is down to like ten percent. Your skin is going to turn into parchment paper if you don't hydrate.

JOLEEN: I'm hydrating with iced coffee and spite. Speaking of things that are annoying, road construction is pivoting for the season. The City's water and street crews switched to summer hours on Monday. That means they're starting at six-thirty a.m. now. So if you live near a project, your alarm clock is now a jackhammer. They're doing this to take advantage of the 'longer daylight,' which is just a fancy way of saying they want to get the suffering over with before the heat peaks at three p.m.

MARK: And there's a big bridge replacement starting in Blackfoot. The Riverton Road Bridge. You remember that semi that smashed into the support pillar back in October? Well, the Idaho Transportation Board finally coughed up ten million dollars to fix it. They're going to tear it down and build a new one that's wider, because they're 'forward-thinking.' I'd settle for them just being 'thinking' at all, but I guess widening the bridge for future I-fifteen expansion makes sense if you plan on living another fifty years.

JOLEEN: The Center Street underpass is still a thing too. They're in the phase where they're doing shoring and getting ready for a pedestrian bridge. It's a mess, but at least they're trying to keep the businesses downtown from going under. I walked by there yesterday and it looks like a giant sandbox for grown-ups who like expensive toys. Just avoid that whole area if you value your sanity. Or your suspension. Actually, just avoid driving in Pocatello in general. It's safer for everyone.

MARK: Let's wrap up with the real estate market, which is as 'neutral' as a Switzerland diplomat. The latest data says home prices are up seven-and-a-half percent compared to last year. The median price is around three-hundred-forty-four thousand dollars. But homes are actually selling faster--like fifty days instead of seventy-four. It's this weird middle ground where nobody can afford to buy, but people are still buying anyway. It's like a game of musical chairs but the chairs cost a third of a million dollars and are located in a neighborhood with zero trees.

JOLEEN: It's a buyer's market in name only. Sure, there's more inventory, but with mortgage rates still hovering where they are, you're basically paying for a mansion and getting a bungalow with a leaky roof. One of those investment sites, Walletinvestor, is telling people to look elsewhere to make a profit. They're saying buying a house here isn't a good investment right now. Which is great news for those of us who just want a place to live without being part of a hedge fund's portfolio.

MARK: Well, jokes on them, because I'm not looking for profit, I'm just looking for a roof that doesn't fly away when the wind hits sixty miles per hour. That's our show for today. We've bitched about the weather, the government, and the housing market. Our work here is done. Don't forget to email us at pocatello at the happening network dot com if you have a tip or if you just want to tell Joleen her iced coffee is a cry for help.

JOLEEN: It's not a cry for help, Mark, it's a lifestyle. Go ahead and hit that subscribe button, leave a comment, and maybe, just maybe, try to enjoy the sunshine before we all spontaneously combust. We'll be back on Friday with more news and probably even more complaints. Stay salty, Pocatello. You're a beautiful, dusty disaster, and we wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Except maybe somewhere with a forty-four million dollar surplus.

MARK: Fat chance of that in this state. Catch you later, Pocatello. Try not to crash into any dead elk on your way home tonight. It's embarrassing for everyone involved.