Your fantasies are not random. They are not guilty secrets. They are not confessions.
They are coded language — your mind's most creative attempt to give you access to the emotional experiences you've been reaching for your whole life.
In Episode 47, Scott and Brittney draw on the work of Esther Perel — psychotherapist, bestselling author, and one of the most original voices on desire alive — specifically her conversation with Gillian Anderson on the secret logic of the erotic mind. The insight at the center of it all: a good fantasy states the problem and offers the solution. The scenario is the symbol. The feeling underneath it is the truth.
Scott also shares something deeply personal in this episode — the connection between his Core Desire of Being Seen, a childhood marked by a father who never attended a single hockey game, family favoritism, and the erotic life that grew directly out of that history. It's the most honest illustration of Perel's framework available: tell me how you were loved, and I will know a lot about how you make love.
This episode covers where fantasies actually come from, how to translate your own fantasy into the deeper language underneath it, why sharing a fantasy with your partner is not the same as requesting it, and what becomes possible in a relationship when both partners are willing to hand each other the map.
In this episode:
- Esther Perel's foundational insight: sexuality as coded language for our deepest emotional needs
- Why she tells her students not to ask what people do but what they think about while doing it, and why
- A good fantasy states the problem and offers the solution — what that means specifically
- Where fantasies come from — history, culture, and the buffet of experience
- Why most fantasies are discovered rather than invented and why people can learn to fantasize
- The translation practice: how to read your own fantasy for the emotional need underneath
- Scott's personal story: how his Core Desire of Being Seen traces to his father never attending a hockey game and what that reveals about the intimate life that grew from it
- Perel's line that ties it all together: "Tell me how you were loved, and I"ll tell you how you make love."
- Why sharing a fantasy is not the same as requesting one and why the distinction matters enormously
- How to share a fantasy with your partner — practically, vulnerably, without pressure
- Fantasies as creative acts that can heal, repair, and transform
- The connection between your fantasy life and your Sexual Self-Portrait from Episode 45
Referenced:
- Want by Gillian Anderson
- Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
- Esther Perel's podcast: Where Should We Begin?
- Esther Perel & Gillian Anderson — "Say More: Esther Perel on Fantasy with Gillian Anderson"
Remember — intimacy is not automatic... it's guided.
Couples Intimacy Resources
Looking to improve your sex life, strengthen your marriage, or deepen intimacy in your relationship?
Download Coelle, our guided audio intimacy app for couples, designed to strengthen communication, build confidence, and support emotional and physical connection.
For personalized support, Scott offers Sex & Intimacy Coaching focused on marriage, desire differences, and building stronger sexual confidence.
Explore both here:
What is Do You Feel That? | A Couples Intimacy & Sex Podcast?
Do You Feel That? is a couples intimacy and sex podcast about love, connection, desire, and building a stronger relationship in and out of the bedroom.
Hosted by Scott and Brittney, a married couple exploring modern intimacy, each episode blends honest conversations, personal stories, and practical tools to help couples improve communication, deepen emotional connection, and create better sex in long-term relationships.
We talk about:
• Marriage and intimacy
• Sexual communication
• Desire differences
• Erotic exploration
• Guided audio intimacy
• Confidence in the bedroom
• Reigniting passion after kids
• Sex toys, play, and connection
• Building emotional safety
• Strengthening relationships through intentional intimacy
Whether you’re navigating mismatched desire, looking to improve your sex life, or simply wanting to feel closer to your partner, Do You Feel That? offers grounded, real-world conversations to help couples grow together.
New episodes every week.