https://www.recoveredlife.us/Transcript
Kristina Dennis (
00:00):
Been doing this for a long time. If you've been the over-gift giver, you're the one who researches to every list and you're giving gifts to the mailman and all of the people that are in your life, and you're doing it to the detriment of yourself. In other words, you don't have the money and you don't have the time and you're starting to, you know, be a Glink toward people because you've put this expectation. That's a big screech stop, stop right there and start doing some inventory, figure out why you're having these feelings or what are the actual feelings that are showing up and then start sitting back and going, okay, what is my motive? Is it to solve somebody else's problem.
Introduction (
00:42):
You're listening to the recovered life show the show that helps people in recovery live their best recovered lives. And here is your host Damon, Frank,
Damon Frank (
00:52):
Welcome back to the recovered life show. I'm pleased to be joined today by Christina, Dennis covered life contributor, codependency and recovery coach. How you doing today, Christina? I am great.
Kristina Dennis (
01:04):
Thank you for having me, Damon. I
Damon Frank (
01:06):
Always love having you on the show because we talk about really important topics. And we talk a lot about codependency and the feelings of co-dependency. And I was having a conversation with you on the phone the other day. And we were talking about black Friday. We were talking about shopping and the whole stress of buying for the holidays and the relation between that and codependency. And, you know, I wanted to kind of dive into that on this episode and really talk about, you know, what, you know, what that whole stress, what is that about as far as a codependent lens of overbuying and over-committing financially on the holidays?
Kristina Dennis (
01:47):
Absolutely. Well, I think that the holiday gift giving can be one of the biggest slippery slopes for co-dependence who are trying to not be codependent in their behaviors anymore because commercialism, as well as expectations, bring us to that place where we feel like we are not enough, unless we over-give, we are.
Damon Frank (
02:14):
Yeah. You know, I, I, you know, right now we're in the heart of it like black Friday, doesn't it seem like everything is designed to try to push people almost from a guilty way, especially Brack black Friday. It's like, you have to really overspend and you have to over-commit and you have to do it now and you have to do it this weekend and you know, and you better do a lot of it.
Kristina Dennis (
02:37):
Right? And I mean, for a codependent, it's very difficult to not feel like they're going to measure up. But when you have commercialism, when you have past give gift giving histories, in which you've gone over the top, you're going to feel like it's your job to go out and get the most expensive gift or the biggest gift or the most perfect gift for that person. It has become almost, uh, almost sacrilegious to not be able to be good at gift giving. If you look around, everybody has a top 10 list of what to purchase every, you know, communication that's out there is based around us solving our relationship issues through gift giving. It's impossible to do it.
Damon Frank (
03:22):
You, you said it solving our relationships through gift giving and you know, what is the tie in there with codependency and this overspending? Because I think when you, when you talk about codependency, you're really inevitably talking about relationships. Right? Right. So what is, what is that tying in, in, in what do people who have identified themselves as possibly codependent or have traits of codependency? How does this relate to over-giving in the holidays?
Kristina Dennis (
03:50):
Absolutely. Well, first and foremost, you have to figure out what your motivations are for the gift giving as a codependent, we usually depend on others, opinions of us to create our own value. So if you have gotten a hit from giving a perfect gift in the past, or you have become quote, generous, you know, with your gift giving, oh, you always give the most perfect gift. You may feel like you're actually having withdrawal symptoms. If you stop partaking in that kind of behavior, it is so difficult to separate what is the expectation and what we are doing and what our motives are. So absolutely check your motives. Why are you giving the gift? Is it to look perfect?
Damon Frank (
04:36):
I love the, I love the check, your motives, uh, philosophy, because I think everybody has had that feeling of giving something and the person that receives it just loves it. Right? Yes. And I, and I don't think what you're saying is, is that don't give people things that they're going to love, obviously, as a gift, we want to give something that people like, but it's that feeling that you've just gone too far or this obsession. Right. And I, and I've been there. I have to admit that I've been there before, where I felt like, oh, you know, what kind of obsessed that I've got to get the perfect gift that it got. And, and, you know, really probably if I look at that, it might tie into a past time where I did that and got some sort of acknowledgement for it and really felt that like, oh, wow, that's important that I knocked this out of the park all the time.
Damon Frank (
05:25):
When does it, um, you know, can you talk about some of the feelings that go along with this? Because you know, when we talk about, uh, feelings and codependency and gift giving and overspending, there's all different kinds of stuff that's going on. You know, I know when people think about money, they have a lot of fear, right? We have a lot of fear, but at the same time, co-dependencies codependent. People have fear that they're not going to please other people, right? So it feels like this is all, all these feelings are kind of jumbled in together.
Kristina Dennis (
05:53):
And it's the worst situation for a codependent to be in when you start having awareness. Um, for instance, many codependents would consider themselves generous. I'm just being generous, but we're doing it from a place of trying to control the other person, trying to move their body to a certain place, expecting a reaction, you know, and it's all about trying to, to, uh, be seen as better than we are the problem with co-dependent who does this over and over again. And I'll speak for my terms. The problem was that if I was giving these extravagant gifts that painted this picture of me being clever and smart and generous and just an over the top, doesn't she know she, you know, she knows exactly what to get me. Oh my gosh, I can't believe you're doing it. I was making the gift giving about me. All right. I wanted to have the shiny lights and all of the credit. And I absolutely was creating this false premise of myself. So even if the people loved me, I kind of put myself in a corner because I would get confused about, well, maybe they don't really love me unless I continue to buy gifts, you know? So you're really setting yourself up for failure. Um, so I think it's a matter of control. It's a matter of saving the other person. It's a matter of getting your identity from their reaction and what you expect from them.
Damon Frank (
07:20):
Yeah. And I think we always hear in recovery that resentment is the number one offender. And you know, one of the things I think about over-giving is that if you can't detach from what you're giving and your expectation is that they're going to like it at a level that is going to accommodate your feelings about it is isn't that really where the problem begins
Kristina Dennis (
07:42):
So controlling. And even as a codependent, you could give gifts that you think are going to help them. That's another, it's another sly way of trying to control their behavior. I remember once getting a can of paint, uh, for a gift because the person wanted me to paint my bathroom. And so I think back to my history and I realized, oh my gosh, giving people self-help books, making the presumption that you're somehow going to control their behavior or help them have a better relationship with you. I am sorry to burst a codependent Bible. It is not about your generosity. It's about trying to keep yourself safe and to control other people's behaviors.
Damon Frank (
08:23):
You know, that is why you are the codependency coach, because I didn't even think about that. And what you're bringing out is what you're choosing to get people. Are you trying to control them even clothing items? Right. Like I think back to a family member who, uh, was upset when I was a teenager that we wouldn't wear jackets in the winter. Right. And we wouldn't go out prepared. Right? So every holiday I would get a jacket or a long sleeve shirt or something, and it was great. But you know, as I get older learned to kind of make that connection, I mean, people really do that, right? It is w what's the feeling behind that for the codependent person, that somehow there'll be some huge breakthrough, right? And that the person, when they get the gift are going to have that realization that they need to do some sort of behavior modification.
Kristina Dennis (
09:11):
Absolutely. You can check your motives. If you're sitting there waiting for a reaction to be over the top or for this person to change their entire life. Oh, I've got this great book. Now I'm going to look at my own stuff and start having breakthroughs in my, you know, trouble with having intimacy. I mean, it's crazy that reasons why we give gift. One of my favorite nuggets, um, out of a program of recovery is if it isn't for fun or for free, you don't do it. And that can apply to gift giving. If you are not doing something that will give that other person pleasure, you know, that's fun for them, and you're doing it with an expectation attached to it, then you're not really giving them a gift and people will resent it. You brought up the perfect example of that, that as a teenager, and we do this with teenagers where we purchase things that we feel are better for them.
Kristina Dennis (
10:02):
And I tell people, you buy a gift certificate, or you look at something that if this person is for fun and has everything, then you look at an experience you need to determine what is that? What is the reason why you're giving somebody a gift in the first place? And we're all obligated at Christmas or Hanukkah to give gifts. And this is one of the areas of boundaries that every codependent needs to look at money. Now, a lot of us will think that the money boundaries about not lending somebody money, but the truth is the money boundaries about you. And how much are you willing to do it? If you're going into debt? Um, which I know this is not going to be a popular thought, but if you're going into debt, then oops, you've done it again.
Damon Frank (
10:46):
Hey, we'll be right back to the show. After this brief message from our sponsor holiday rescue is an information pack course. That is perfect for anyone in recovery, looking to survive the holidays, happy, sober, and fulfilled. Even if the people around you are not. This exclusive video course includes a 30 page workbook over an hour of video and strategies from leading interventionists, Brian O'Shea world renowned codependency, coach, Christina, Dennis, and educational neuroscientists, Stacy Danford. Don't go through this holiday season miserable. When you have the power to change it, just go to recovered life dot U S forward slash holiday to find out more that's recovered, life dot U S forward slash holiday. Now back to the show,
Kristina Dennis (
11:35):
You have to pull back and figure out exactly what you can afford and what will work for that person as well as within your budget.
Damon Frank (
11:45):
You know, it's, um, it's, it's interesting that you say like, you have to pull back because in recovery, you know, many people that are listening to this are in recovery, from drugs, alcohol codependency, and one of the first things that you learn is that, uh, people that have addiction issues have a hard time pulling back because they get addicted. They go a little too far. Right, right. And I've seen this with gift-giving and you, I love the examples that you set out because you're talking about, you know, what does the person really want? And then what can you do? Right. And that balance back and forth. Christina, can you give us some tips here about if you, if people are listening to this and the pressure's on, right. And they've already been on the computer or been to the mall five times. Um, and since they've, you know, we know that now they're seeing this, right. And, and there's that feeling? It's like, well, I have to do more. I've got to get that one extra gift I got after. It's got to be totally perfect. What do you do? What, what do you do if you have these codependency traits and you feel that you've gone a little bit too far, what are some great tips for people?
Kristina Dennis (
12:56):
Well, absolutely. If you've been doing this for a long time, if you've been the over gift giver, if you're the one who researches to every list and you're giving gifts to the mailman and all of the people that are in your life, and you're doing it to the detriment of yourself. In other words, you don't have the money and you don't have the time and you're starting to, you know, be ugly toward people because you've put this expectation. That's a big screech stop, stop right there and start doing some inventory, figure out why you're having these feelings or what are the actual feelings that are showing up and then start sitting back and going, okay, what is my motive? Is it to solve somebody? Else's problem? Am I giving a gift to solve somebody? Else's problem? Am I giving a gift to avoid focusing on myself? Am I giving a gift? Because I want this person to care about me as much as I care about them. Am I giving a gift to be perfect? These are great questions to ask yourself, start with that and be honest, why am I going overboard? What am I deferring? You know, what am I not looking at by getting all caught up in Christmas or Hanukkah, uh, and spending the money that I don't necessarily have.
Damon Frank (
14:13):
Yeah. And I think, you know, just like any other addiction, there will come the hangover and the price that you have to pay for everything that you do. Right. Right. And I think that as people get into January, uh, when that credit card bill comes in and then they don't, if they feel that they didn't get what they wanted out of it. And you know, one of the things that we've, we've, we've learned from you and on this episode too, is that codependent people primarily do not get what they want out of it because ultimately they never really get the payoff. Right.
Kristina Dennis (
14:43):
Absolutely. It's a setup. It's a complete setup for you. And for that other person, these behaviors, you will continue question what the other person's there for. Is it because I'm a gift giver? Is it because I plan everything? Is it because I show up and fill in all the cracks? Or is it because I actually am a person who has feelings? I was so lonely in my late twenties, even though I had a ton of friends because I never showed anybody what I had in regards to me, or once or hopes. And so they couldn't necessarily fulfill it. Nobody could compete with me when it came to gift giving. And that's a way of keeping control and keeping yourself safe.
Damon Frank (
15:25):
Yeah. And you know, this whole idea of control, I think this is great. And when you start to have these feelings, just to be able to go down that checklist and inventory that you're talking about, and to kind of just check them off, right. Check them off one by one to really find out what your motives are. Now question as a codependent person, as a gift receiver. If you're receiving things, what's the side of that. And the tie-in with codependency and receiving
Kristina Dennis (
15:54):
Well, if somebody is gift giving with strings attached, there's going to be resentment. If you're the receiver, you get something in, I'm pretty sure everybody can relate to this. You get something. And, you know, there's a string attached to it. You know, big extravagant gifts. I see parents purchasing cars for people or, you know, homes, but the attachment is, is that you are dependent on me and you're not going to have your own thoughts. And you're never going to go outside of this contract that we have. So gift giving is not going to solve any of the history that's happening as a risk as somebody who's receiving it. Um, you can say, thank you, but you also have to determine, do I need to have a conversation with this person that says, I, uh, it was a little uncomfortable that's too extravagant, or what are, what are your expectations of my behavior?
Kristina Dennis (
16:46):
As we all know, we all know that very few things are for free, that you're paying for them. Eventually until you start cleaning up your relationships with people and start really determining by doing that checklist and having an accountability partner and having a budget that you stick with, you're going to have to, to kind of go through some of the yucky feelings of what has happened, but I say, receive the gift in the gracious manner and then talk it over with somebody after if you know that there are strings attached and you come up with a plan on how you're going to handle that in the future.
Damon Frank (
17:25):
Christina and Dennis, this has been an amazing episode with a lot of great takeaways. And I think the big takeaway is that any kind of gift receiving a gift or giving a gift, is it going to heal a past broken relationship? That one act, you know, is not, is not going to heal that. And I think one of the things that you talk about that is so good is, is, you know, working on yourself to make sure before you get in this, uh, in these positions, right, that you know what your motivation and intentions are. Christina, thank you so much for coming on the show today. And you guys can find out more about Christina at recovered life. And she puts a lot of takeaways there on the blog and also in the private community. Thank you so much, Christina, for coming on today.
Kristina Dennis (
18:14):
You're welcome. Everybody have a safe holiday and stick with your budget. You don't have to over gift.