WEBVTT 00:00:02.870 --> 00:00:06.510 Matt Abrahams: Meditation is a great way to calm your nerves and to get present. 00:00:06.929 --> 00:00:11.200 Speaking of presence, see what I did there, I was honored to be asked by the 00:00:11.200 --> 00:00:16.960 Headspace app to produce a series of five short podcast episodes for their podcast. 00:00:17.370 --> 00:00:20.909 I'm Matt Abrahams, and I teach Strategic Communication at Stanford 00:00:20.909 --> 00:00:22.259 Graduate School of Business. 00:00:22.720 --> 00:00:27.749 Welcome to this special episode of Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. 00:00:28.339 --> 00:00:32.620 Today, we're stitching together the five episodes I did for Headspace. 00:00:32.620 --> 00:00:35.599 Take a listen as I provide specific advice on speaking 00:00:35.599 --> 00:00:40.070 anxiety management, empathy through listening, clarity through structure, 00:00:40.500 --> 00:00:42.849 audience engagement, and presence. 00:00:46.319 --> 00:00:49.499 The fear of speaking in front of others is ubiquitous. 00:00:49.620 --> 00:00:50.850 It exists everywhere. 00:00:50.890 --> 00:00:53.200 In every culture we've studied, we find it. 00:00:53.529 --> 00:00:56.029 And we find that it develops at the same time. 00:00:56.119 --> 00:01:00.369 When kids first become teenagers, that's when anxiety really begins to spike. 00:01:01.010 --> 00:01:02.150 Certainly for me. 00:01:02.820 --> 00:01:07.090 When I was 14 years old, I was instructed by my English teacher 00:01:07.209 --> 00:01:10.859 to give a presentation on his behalf at a speech contest. 00:01:11.160 --> 00:01:14.840 Every teacher in my school had to nominate one student to go to this 00:01:14.840 --> 00:01:17.050 contest, and I was his choice. 00:01:19.200 --> 00:01:24.419 The only advice he gave me was, "Do something that gets the audience 00:01:24.419 --> 00:01:29.550 interested." So I showed up on an early Saturday morning, cold outside, 00:01:29.550 --> 00:01:31.769 into the big, large auditorium. 00:01:32.189 --> 00:01:33.359 My friends were there. 00:01:33.970 --> 00:01:36.999 The parents of my friends were there judging this competition. 00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:38.999 And the girl I liked was even in the room. 00:01:39.029 --> 00:01:43.089 I had decided to do a speech on the martial arts. 00:01:43.120 --> 00:01:45.079 This was something I thought that would be engaging. 00:01:45.700 --> 00:01:50.029 I was so nervous about doing this speech that I forgot to put on my 00:01:50.029 --> 00:01:53.269 special martial arts pants, the ones that have a little extra room. 00:01:53.679 --> 00:01:59.330 I did a karate kick to start, and I ripped my pants from zipper to belt buckle. 00:02:00.280 --> 00:02:05.190 Somehow I managed to get through that presentation, but it was at that moment 00:02:05.190 --> 00:02:10.240 that I became very interested in how anxiety impacts our communication. 00:02:10.619 --> 00:02:14.889 And over time, and with a lot of practice, I was able to become much more comfortable 00:02:14.889 --> 00:02:16.869 and confident in my communication. 00:02:17.209 --> 00:02:19.769 And hopefully, I've helped lots of others do the same. 00:02:22.989 --> 00:02:27.000 Confidence in speaking comes from a lot of practice and a lot of work. 00:02:27.119 --> 00:02:29.820 It's a whole bunch of mini experiments that we run. 00:02:30.710 --> 00:02:34.140 Each of us has to find the techniques that work for us to manage our 00:02:34.140 --> 00:02:35.729 anxiety, and there are many of them. 00:02:36.819 --> 00:02:41.189 For me, one of the big sources of my anxiety was worrying about the 00:02:41.189 --> 00:02:43.999 future consequences of my actions. 00:02:44.600 --> 00:02:47.510 I was afraid people wouldn't support what I was asking for. 00:02:47.720 --> 00:02:50.050 They might not like what I had to say. 00:02:50.440 --> 00:02:52.449 All of these are future thoughts. 00:02:52.760 --> 00:02:55.750 And the way to counteract that, and what worked for me, is to 00:02:55.750 --> 00:02:57.600 become very present-oriented. 00:02:57.630 --> 00:03:01.189 Because by definition, if you're in the moment, you're not worried 00:03:01.189 --> 00:03:03.759 about a future negative outcome. 00:03:04.140 --> 00:03:06.519 So the question becomes, how do I get present-oriented? 00:03:06.769 --> 00:03:08.240 And there are lots of ways to do that. 00:03:09.249 --> 00:03:10.830 Doing something physical can work. 00:03:10.910 --> 00:03:12.470 Take a walk around the building. 00:03:12.779 --> 00:03:14.919 Actors and actresses shake their body out. 00:03:15.560 --> 00:03:19.560 Athletes listen to a song or a playlist, and that gets them present-oriented. 00:03:20.600 --> 00:03:24.150 Sometimes I've been known even to say tongue twisters out loud. 00:03:24.589 --> 00:03:27.859 Not only does saying a tongue twister force you to be in the present moment 00:03:27.940 --> 00:03:32.030 in order to say it right, but it also warms up your voice, which is incredibly 00:03:32.030 --> 00:03:35.729 helpful, because many of us think we can go from silence to brilliance in our 00:03:35.729 --> 00:03:38.130 communication without warming up first. 00:03:38.679 --> 00:03:43.130 Any athlete, any singer, any dancer will tell you, you have to warm up first. 00:03:45.299 --> 00:03:50.449 I distinctly remember a job interview as I was approaching college, and I was 00:03:50.449 --> 00:03:53.929 working on my anxiety management, given what happened to me in high school. 00:03:54.140 --> 00:03:58.610 And I had walked into the room, and I, I felt the anxiety. 00:03:58.980 --> 00:04:00.179 I did some deep breathing. 00:04:00.810 --> 00:04:04.049 I said a tongue twister out loud before the person came back. 00:04:04.469 --> 00:04:06.820 And when they came back, I was in a much better place. 00:04:06.869 --> 00:04:10.230 The interview actually went so well, they made me the offer. 00:04:10.580 --> 00:04:14.039 And in the subsequent year, I was actually the person who was interviewing 00:04:14.039 --> 00:04:16.719 for a similar position to what I had. 00:04:16.719 --> 00:04:21.619 So I had actually switched roles as a result, I believe, of how confident 00:04:21.619 --> 00:04:23.189 I was in that initial interview. 00:04:24.270 --> 00:04:28.059 Anybody listening in has likely done some meditation and mindfulness and is very 00:04:28.059 --> 00:04:30.169 familiar with this type of deep breathing. 00:04:32.209 --> 00:04:36.049 Interestingly, all of the magic happens on the exhalation. 00:04:36.620 --> 00:04:37.899 Your heart rate slows down. 00:04:38.359 --> 00:04:41.459 Your respiration rate slows down, so you speak less quickly. 00:04:41.489 --> 00:04:44.749 The shakiness that comes from adrenaline abates a bit. 00:04:45.650 --> 00:04:48.579 So as a way of closing today, I'd like to invite everybody to 00:04:48.579 --> 00:04:50.579 take a deep, grounding breath. 00:04:51.020 --> 00:04:55.169 The goal here is to have our exhale be twice as long as our inhale. 00:04:55.690 --> 00:04:58.940 So we're going to take a three-count in and a six-count out. 00:04:59.489 --> 00:05:03.809 As we do our inhale, we really want to be distending our lower abdomen. 00:05:04.329 --> 00:05:07.440 I like to joke it should feel like you feel after a really 00:05:07.440 --> 00:05:09.010 good Thanksgiving dinner. 00:05:09.629 --> 00:05:12.390 On the count of three, inhale slowly through your nose. 00:05:12.840 --> 00:05:18.510 One, two, three. 00:05:19.379 --> 00:05:21.090 Your abdomen is fully distended. 00:05:21.090 --> 00:05:23.289 Let's hold in that moment for a second here. 00:05:24.469 --> 00:05:26.899 And now let's exhale on a count of six. 00:05:27.410 --> 00:05:29.260 We can exhale through the nose or mouth. 00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:37.630 Six, five, four, three, two, one. 00:05:39.249 --> 00:05:43.170 If you do that just two or three times, you can really put yourself in a place 00:05:43.170 --> 00:05:49.349 of calmness, stillness, and readiness for your upcoming communication. 00:05:52.850 --> 00:05:55.300 This week is all about mindful communication. 00:05:55.879 --> 00:05:58.729 One of the most transformative shifts we can make is focusing 00:05:58.729 --> 00:06:03.089 less on what we say and more on how we listen to what others say. 00:06:04.059 --> 00:06:08.249 Today, we'll explore why listening is often harder than it seems, how 00:06:08.249 --> 00:06:12.439 it impacts our relationships, and how mindful presence can help us 00:06:12.700 --> 00:06:17.519 truly hear others, connect to others, and build lasting relationships. 00:06:18.929 --> 00:06:20.980 Many of us don't listen as well as we could. 00:06:21.610 --> 00:06:23.710 There are many barriers to listening. 00:06:24.979 --> 00:06:29.069 They all happen to start with the letter P. There's physical noise. 00:06:29.190 --> 00:06:33.299 Sometimes it's hard to listen just because the environment we're in is loud. 00:06:34.119 --> 00:06:36.990 Another barrier to listening is physiological. 00:06:37.670 --> 00:06:39.279 What's going on in our bodies? 00:06:39.880 --> 00:06:44.610 If you're tired, if you're hungry, if you're hangry, if you're nervous, 00:06:45.029 --> 00:06:49.089 it's really hard to demonstrate the focusing required for listening. 00:06:49.729 --> 00:06:52.769 And finally, there's psychological challenges and barriers that 00:06:52.769 --> 00:06:53.810 get in the way of listening. 00:06:53.850 --> 00:06:57.639 A lot of us are rehearsing what we wanna say next. 00:06:57.639 --> 00:07:00.639 We're judging, we're evaluating, we're connecting ideas. 00:07:03.459 --> 00:07:06.359 Listening is definitely a skill that we can all develop. 00:07:06.719 --> 00:07:10.150 Believe me, my wife encourages me all the time to keep 00:07:10.150 --> 00:07:12.009 developing my listening skills. 00:07:12.759 --> 00:07:16.400 We learn listening by observing others and, and see what works. 00:07:16.660 --> 00:07:20.700 And we also learn listening by seeing how people respond to us. 00:07:21.060 --> 00:07:22.040 It's not innate. 00:07:22.130 --> 00:07:25.739 We can all learn to listen better. 00:07:25.770 --> 00:07:28.149 To be a better listener, there's several things you can do. 00:07:28.679 --> 00:07:34.950 I like to teach my students how to ace their listening: pace, space, and grace. 00:07:35.959 --> 00:07:41.330 To begin, we have to give ourselves space, and I mean space in two ways. 00:07:41.749 --> 00:07:45.450 One, we have to physically be in a place where we can actually hear. 00:07:46.089 --> 00:07:49.779 Maybe that means moving to a quieter room, stepping outside. 00:07:49.810 --> 00:07:53.040 But more importantly, we need to give ourselves mental space. 00:07:53.069 --> 00:07:56.520 There's a lot going on in our heads whenever we interact. 00:07:56.880 --> 00:08:01.839 We need to open up a space to actually be present and listen. 00:08:01.869 --> 00:08:04.830 Beyond space, we have to slow the pace down. 00:08:05.540 --> 00:08:07.159 Life comes at us very quickly. 00:08:09.669 --> 00:08:11.029 Interactions are fast. 00:08:11.410 --> 00:08:16.900 You need to slow down and focus to allow you to truly listen. 00:08:16.930 --> 00:08:19.699 And then finally, you have to give yourself some grace, and grace is all 00:08:19.699 --> 00:08:25.209 about giving yourself permission, not just to listen, but to listen beyond the words. 00:08:25.560 --> 00:08:28.910 When people say things, I'll share a story where I messed that up. 00:08:29.305 --> 00:08:32.635 I came out of a meeting with a colleague, and he turned to me and he said, 00:08:32.635 --> 00:08:35.965 "How do you think that went?" And our experience in the meeting did not go well. 00:08:35.965 --> 00:08:36.784 It was very poor. 00:08:37.504 --> 00:08:39.554 And I immediately jumped into giving feedback. 00:08:39.584 --> 00:08:41.044 I thought that's what he was looking for. 00:08:41.645 --> 00:08:46.055 In fact, had I noticed, he came out the back door, not the front door as I did. 00:08:46.344 --> 00:08:47.305 He was looking down. 00:08:47.305 --> 00:08:48.584 He was speaking more slowly. 00:08:48.965 --> 00:08:52.324 In that moment, he did not want feedback. 00:08:52.734 --> 00:08:54.025 What he wanted was support. 00:08:54.674 --> 00:08:57.355 I had not listened fully and completely. 00:08:58.475 --> 00:09:06.574 So space, pace, grace put you into a place where you can actually ace your listening. 00:09:08.234 --> 00:09:09.454 You're primed to do it. 00:09:10.114 --> 00:09:13.304 Now, tactically, what do you do when you listen? 00:09:14.135 --> 00:09:17.784 I believe one of the best ways to listen more deeply is to listen as 00:09:17.784 --> 00:09:19.635 if you were going to paraphrase. 00:09:20.074 --> 00:09:23.935 Many of us, when we listen, we just listen enough to get the top line of what 00:09:23.935 --> 00:09:28.115 somebody is saying, and then we begin evaluating, judging, getting distracted. 00:09:28.765 --> 00:09:31.794 When you listen to paraphrase, that is to repeat back in your 00:09:31.794 --> 00:09:35.765 own words what somebody has said, you listen for the bottom line. 00:09:36.195 --> 00:09:40.145 You attune in a way that you don't when you're not listening to paraphrase. 00:09:40.454 --> 00:09:43.744 So I teach my students, and I work on this myself, to listen 00:09:43.744 --> 00:09:45.325 for what is the bottom line. 00:09:45.785 --> 00:09:50.294 And then really interestingly, by paraphrasing, you show you care. 00:09:50.735 --> 00:09:54.154 And it's been demonstrated in a lot of research that when you paraphrase, 00:09:54.425 --> 00:09:59.594 you begin to build trust, and trust is the foundation of all relationships. 00:09:59.945 --> 00:10:04.085 I'm not saying you have to paraphrase every single thing somebody says, but 00:10:04.085 --> 00:10:08.215 by taking the time to paraphrase some of what they say, you actually show that 00:10:08.215 --> 00:10:13.875 you care, that you heard them, and that you intensely want to understand them. 00:10:15.334 --> 00:10:21.045 One of the best ways I have learned to practice listening is at the end of an 00:10:21.045 --> 00:10:27.705 interaction, a meeting, a conversation, listening to a podcast episode, ask 00:10:27.705 --> 00:10:33.195 yourself, "What was that about, and how can I use that information?" This 00:10:33.195 --> 00:10:39.154 internal interrogation, essentially an internal paraphrase, not only helps you 00:10:39.154 --> 00:10:43.924 better understand the interaction you just had, but you're training the brain. 00:10:44.115 --> 00:10:49.435 You're laying down the neural pathways to make your paraphrasing more efficient. 00:10:49.844 --> 00:10:53.914 The more you practice paraphrasing what you've heard, the better 00:10:53.914 --> 00:10:57.624 off you will be when you actually have to listen in a situation with 00:10:57.624 --> 00:11:00.335 another person or other people. 00:11:01.864 --> 00:11:05.705 So far, we've talked about managing anxiety and becoming more confident 00:11:06.025 --> 00:11:07.315 and the power of listening. 00:11:07.935 --> 00:11:11.225 Today, I want to focus on how we can bring clarity to what we say 00:11:11.504 --> 00:11:13.685 through messaging and frameworks. 00:11:14.460 --> 00:11:18.200 When we're put on the spot, it's easy to ramble and lose track of our ideas. 00:11:18.200 --> 00:11:22.219 We, we often take our audience on a journey of our discovery of what it 00:11:22.219 --> 00:11:24.389 is we want to say as we're saying it. 00:11:25.179 --> 00:11:30.549 But with simple structures and frameworks like what, so what, now what, we can guide 00:11:30.549 --> 00:11:33.010 our listeners and make our messages stick. 00:11:34.360 --> 00:11:39.180 When it comes to communicating, it can be quite challenging to take all the thoughts 00:11:39.180 --> 00:11:44.040 you have, as well as all the input from the things you're seeing and hearing, and 00:11:44.040 --> 00:11:46.080 really put together a coherent argument. 00:11:46.639 --> 00:11:50.999 Many of us in these situations just list and itemize information. 00:11:51.519 --> 00:11:54.700 When you see presentations, people just have a ton of bullet points. 00:11:54.970 --> 00:11:55.769 Bullets kill. 00:11:56.259 --> 00:12:01.060 We're just not good at remembering lists and itemizations. 00:12:01.599 --> 00:12:02.360 Think about this. 00:12:02.360 --> 00:12:05.890 When you go to the grocery store, how many items do you need to buy before 00:12:05.890 --> 00:12:07.850 you write it down so you don't forget? 00:12:08.510 --> 00:12:10.319 Well, if you're like me, it's three. 00:12:11.240 --> 00:12:13.240 We're not good at remembering those things. 00:12:16.180 --> 00:12:22.580 So to help ourselves, we need to rely on structure, a logical connection of ideas. 00:12:22.850 --> 00:12:24.650 We all know structure. 00:12:24.730 --> 00:12:28.730 If you've ever seen a television advertisement, you've seen a structure. 00:12:29.140 --> 00:12:32.370 It's problem, solution, benefit. 00:12:33.050 --> 00:12:35.999 There's some issue challenge in the world, the company's product or 00:12:35.999 --> 00:12:39.880 service makes that better, fixes it, and then you benefit in some way. 00:12:40.339 --> 00:12:44.050 I don't care if you're selling cars, medicines, alcohol, most 00:12:44.050 --> 00:12:45.749 ads follow that structure. 00:12:46.040 --> 00:12:49.949 When I first started teaching, one of the big challenges I had was to 00:12:49.949 --> 00:12:54.429 synthesize all of the material that I wanted to get across to my students 00:12:54.739 --> 00:12:56.109 so that they could understand it. 00:12:56.109 --> 00:13:01.019 And the biggest mistake I made is I just gave my students lots of lists. 00:13:01.469 --> 00:13:02.850 List after list. 00:13:02.890 --> 00:13:05.169 Do this and then this and then this, or you should think 00:13:05.169 --> 00:13:06.840 about that and that and that. 00:13:07.460 --> 00:13:11.050 And while the students were interested in what I was saying, 00:13:11.489 --> 00:13:13.010 they couldn't remember it all. 00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:14.280 It was overwhelming. 00:13:14.309 --> 00:13:17.199 They were trying to take notes and did this go before that? 00:13:17.199 --> 00:13:18.109 Where does this come in? 00:13:18.109 --> 00:13:19.000 How does that play out? 00:13:19.800 --> 00:13:25.099 I was doing them a disservice by not helping them focus, by organizing 00:13:25.099 --> 00:13:27.020 the content in a logical way. 00:13:27.889 --> 00:13:32.520 As I have evolved in my teaching, I was able to better structure my materials 00:13:32.840 --> 00:13:37.090 so that the students can now engage in the content in a very different way. 00:13:40.390 --> 00:13:45.570 My favorite structure in the entire world is three simple questions. 00:13:45.889 --> 00:13:46.349 What? 00:13:46.959 --> 00:13:47.810 So what? 00:13:48.140 --> 00:13:48.770 Now what? 00:13:48.989 --> 00:13:49.359 What? 00:13:49.569 --> 00:13:50.329 So what? 00:13:50.329 --> 00:13:50.810 Now what? 00:13:51.590 --> 00:13:53.449 What is the information that you're sharing? 00:13:53.670 --> 00:13:56.579 Why is it important to the person that I'm speaking to? 00:13:57.409 --> 00:13:59.299 And then the now what is what comes next. 00:13:59.399 --> 00:14:01.710 Structure is something you have to practice. 00:14:01.760 --> 00:14:04.190 You have to practice putting your ideas in a structure. 00:14:04.219 --> 00:14:06.090 Here's a great way to do it. 00:14:06.350 --> 00:14:10.260 When you're done learning something new, participating in a meeting, listening to a 00:14:10.260 --> 00:14:13.315 podcast, ask yourself, what was it about? 00:14:13.895 --> 00:14:15.284 Why is it important to me? 00:14:15.574 --> 00:14:17.185 And what can I do with this information? 00:14:17.994 --> 00:14:22.455 Not only is this a form of paraphrasing, which helps with listening, but this 00:14:22.455 --> 00:14:26.174 is a way of, yet again, training your brain to leverage a structure. 00:14:26.174 --> 00:14:30.305 You're training your brain to respond so when you're in a situation, 00:14:30.344 --> 00:14:34.875 perhaps one you're not prepared for, you can use it fluidly and easily. 00:14:38.604 --> 00:14:40.274 Today, we're talking about engagement. 00:14:40.774 --> 00:14:44.915 Too often, people think engagement means being flashy, funny, or performing. 00:14:45.785 --> 00:14:49.665 But real engagement comes from connection, from making your audience feel like 00:14:49.665 --> 00:14:52.014 you're speaking to them, not at them. 00:14:53.245 --> 00:14:57.655 We'll explore why people lose attention, how energy and presence make a difference, 00:14:57.915 --> 00:15:02.544 and what small shifts, like telling a story, asking a question, changing your 00:15:02.544 --> 00:15:05.614 tone of voice, can reignite curiosity. 00:15:06.175 --> 00:15:10.925 I believe attention is the most precious commodity we have in the world today. 00:15:11.114 --> 00:15:14.524 Our attention is constantly being pulled in different directions. 00:15:15.355 --> 00:15:19.724 It's hard to get attention, but what's even harder is engagement. 00:15:20.405 --> 00:15:24.875 It is critical to get engagement because when you do, you then truly 00:15:24.875 --> 00:15:26.925 can form the connection that you want. 00:15:29.664 --> 00:15:33.354 I'm often brought in to coach senior leaders on how to be more 00:15:33.354 --> 00:15:35.234 engaging in their communication. 00:15:35.675 --> 00:15:39.765 We've all been part of those all-hands meetings or planning 00:15:39.765 --> 00:15:43.124 meetings that just drone on and on. 00:15:43.124 --> 00:15:46.305 They're full of lists and facts and spreadsheets. 00:15:46.674 --> 00:15:51.864 And while that information is essential and critical, it can be delivered better. 00:15:52.464 --> 00:15:55.944 There's one situation I was brought into where I was working with a leader who 00:15:55.944 --> 00:16:03.305 was trying to unveil a new strategy, and his strategy had 14 pillars to it. 00:16:03.744 --> 00:16:07.275 Let me tell you, that was the first warning sign. 00:16:08.394 --> 00:16:11.405 What we did is we got rid of the 14 pillars. 00:16:11.514 --> 00:16:16.725 We found that they aligned nicely with three key values the company had. 00:16:17.034 --> 00:16:21.625 And with each value, we made sure to have some kind of engaging point to it. 00:16:22.144 --> 00:16:24.924 In one case, he told a story that reflected the value. 00:16:25.414 --> 00:16:28.825 In another case, he used an analogy that we could all relate to. 00:16:29.385 --> 00:16:33.885 And then finally, what he did was he had a participative activity where he 00:16:33.885 --> 00:16:38.274 asked us each to think about something and how that could be reflected in what 00:16:38.274 --> 00:16:40.545 this particular strategic idea was about. 00:16:41.124 --> 00:16:47.135 We took a very boring, very dry, hard-to-understand communication and 00:16:47.135 --> 00:16:49.374 made it interesting and engaging. 00:16:52.445 --> 00:16:57.154 When it comes to engagement, there are four primary ways that you can do it. 00:16:57.844 --> 00:17:01.594 One is by getting people physically engaged. 00:17:01.685 --> 00:17:05.244 Where people's bodies go, their brains will follow. 00:17:05.685 --> 00:17:10.044 So tactics and techniques might include taking a poll, having people 00:17:10.044 --> 00:17:13.755 write something down, sharing a video that they watch, turning to 00:17:13.755 --> 00:17:15.514 somebody and having a conversation. 00:17:16.045 --> 00:17:19.895 When you're virtual, it could be using the chat, the reaction buttons, maybe 00:17:19.895 --> 00:17:21.485 putting people in breakout rooms. 00:17:21.815 --> 00:17:24.434 Mental engagement comes in a different variety. 00:17:24.874 --> 00:17:28.464 We have lots of research from neuroscience that says when you ask somebody a 00:17:28.464 --> 00:17:32.245 question, their brain lights up and activates in a way that it doesn't 00:17:32.325 --> 00:17:33.575 when you just tell them things. 00:17:33.854 --> 00:17:36.704 So can you ask a question even if you don't want a response? 00:17:37.245 --> 00:17:40.415 The third is linguistic, language. 00:17:40.774 --> 00:17:46.235 If you can refer to people by name or use inclusive language like you, 00:17:46.284 --> 00:17:49.264 us, we, that pulls people together. 00:17:49.365 --> 00:17:51.895 We've all been trained since we were little kids that when you 00:17:51.895 --> 00:17:55.295 hear your name or the word you, that you should pay attention. 00:17:56.095 --> 00:17:59.685 And finally, there is shared experience. 00:18:02.705 --> 00:18:06.354 If you can lean into some common experience, some common attitudes or 00:18:06.354 --> 00:18:08.514 values people have, that connects us. 00:18:09.055 --> 00:18:12.014 Now, there's another way to be engaging as well, and that's 00:18:12.014 --> 00:18:14.634 your presence, how you show up. 00:18:15.485 --> 00:18:16.754 You can bring a lot of energy. 00:18:17.485 --> 00:18:19.945 You can bring a calm subtleness. 00:18:20.484 --> 00:18:26.604 The variation in your presence, your tone, your volume, your gestures, 00:18:26.984 --> 00:18:30.365 that variation invites engagement. 00:18:30.615 --> 00:18:33.855 That's why I try to vary my voice or my rate. 00:18:34.315 --> 00:18:37.934 That's why I try to change the emotional tone. 00:18:38.464 --> 00:18:41.795 So we have things we can do with our messaging and with our 00:18:41.795 --> 00:18:46.394 presence that are likely to invite people in and be more engaged. 00:18:49.304 --> 00:18:55.045 The other thing that we tend to do is we tend to be very conversational in tone. 00:18:55.784 --> 00:18:58.144 That's what really helps us feel close to somebody. 00:18:58.844 --> 00:19:03.025 If you can mirror that when you are in front of a larger group, that helps you. 00:19:03.355 --> 00:19:04.225 So how do we do that? 00:19:04.624 --> 00:19:07.635 Well, use conversational language. 00:19:08.005 --> 00:19:12.855 I once coached a leader who was giving a big talk at a conference, and as part 00:19:12.855 --> 00:19:17.175 of the beginning, he said, "Knowledge workers should blah, blah, blah." And 00:19:17.175 --> 00:19:20.825 I said, "Who are you speaking to?" And he said, "Knowledge workers." And 00:19:20.825 --> 00:19:22.944 I said, "Why don't you just say you? 00:19:23.565 --> 00:19:25.425 You is much more conversational." 00:19:26.194 --> 00:19:30.944 A great way to practice being engaging is to observe how others are engaging. 00:19:31.245 --> 00:19:32.755 So I'm gonna give you all a challenge. 00:19:33.234 --> 00:19:37.974 I would like for you, for the next few days, to watch communicators that you 00:19:37.974 --> 00:19:42.334 find really engaging and ask yourself what techniques are they using. 00:19:42.965 --> 00:19:45.874 Are they doing something physical to get people physically engaged? 00:19:46.334 --> 00:19:49.385 Are they using stories or questions or analogies? 00:19:50.005 --> 00:19:53.505 Are they using some kind of language to really pull you in, or are 00:19:53.505 --> 00:19:55.105 they referring to common ground? 00:19:55.575 --> 00:19:58.755 One of the best ways to get good at communication in general, but 00:19:58.755 --> 00:20:03.654 engagement in particular, is to observe what others do and then begin to 00:20:03.654 --> 00:20:07.874 incorporate some of that in your own authentic way into your communication 00:20:14.235 --> 00:20:18.524 We're closing out this week of mindful communication by talking about presence. 00:20:19.204 --> 00:20:23.635 Presence is what allows us to manage our nerves, listen deeply, craft clear 00:20:23.635 --> 00:20:28.164 messages, and engage authentically, but it's also what many of us struggle with. 00:20:28.465 --> 00:20:33.404 It's how we use our body and our voice to really emphasize what it is we're saying. 00:20:34.175 --> 00:20:39.625 Many of us focus so extensively on our content, what we're saying, 00:20:39.625 --> 00:20:43.525 we want it to land, we want it to be confident, we want it to really 00:20:43.525 --> 00:20:48.095 help our audience, that we forget to focus on how we are delivering it. 00:20:48.525 --> 00:20:52.365 We are in our heads so much that we don't think about what people see. 00:20:54.705 --> 00:20:55.404 That's our body. 00:20:55.404 --> 00:20:57.235 What people hear are voices. 00:20:57.564 --> 00:21:01.524 So what ends up happening is people's presence is degraded by 00:21:01.524 --> 00:21:03.375 their over-focus on their content. 00:21:03.785 --> 00:21:06.835 Now, I am certainly not saying that we should not focus on our content. 00:21:06.894 --> 00:21:13.714 We absolutely should, but we also need to make sure that we spend time practicing 00:21:13.964 --> 00:21:16.374 and reflecting on how we show up. 00:21:16.944 --> 00:21:19.605 I have helped many people with their physical presence 00:21:19.605 --> 00:21:20.845 in lots of different ways. 00:21:21.114 --> 00:21:25.054 What comes to mind right away is I was working with someone who was relatively 00:21:25.054 --> 00:21:27.385 new to their management position. 00:21:27.385 --> 00:21:30.815 They had been a great individual contributor, and they were promoted 00:21:30.815 --> 00:21:36.865 into a new role where they really needed to exert confidence and influence. 00:21:37.045 --> 00:21:41.304 So we got rid of the filler words, the ums, the uhs, the likes, and I 00:21:41.304 --> 00:21:44.025 means by working on their breathing. 00:21:44.584 --> 00:21:47.034 They would breathe very shallow as they spoke. 00:21:47.034 --> 00:21:50.045 As they'd get excited or nervous, they would breathe in their upper chest. 00:21:52.534 --> 00:21:56.134 And when you do that, there are times where when you're done speaking, 00:21:56.665 --> 00:21:58.544 you still have air in your chest. 00:21:58.575 --> 00:22:03.184 And what often happens is, as part of the exhale to get that air out before you 00:22:03.184 --> 00:22:05.614 speak again, you'll say a filler word. 00:22:06.054 --> 00:22:06.885 Try it at home. 00:22:07.434 --> 00:22:11.085 Try saying the word um while exhaling. 00:22:11.784 --> 00:22:12.595 It's very easy. 00:22:13.095 --> 00:22:15.954 Now, try saying the word um while inhaling. 00:22:16.724 --> 00:22:17.984 Now, that's impossible. 00:22:18.415 --> 00:22:23.374 So what we trained and worked on with this person was to end sentences fully 00:22:23.374 --> 00:22:27.665 out of breath so that they couldn't say um, they couldn't say anything. 00:22:28.565 --> 00:22:31.975 They needed to take an inhalation, which builds in a pause, which slowed them 00:22:31.975 --> 00:22:34.165 down and got rid of those filler words. 00:22:34.534 --> 00:22:39.304 So there are things that you can do to reduce your filler words. 00:22:40.185 --> 00:22:42.964 Now, this person also looked down when they were speaking. 00:22:43.525 --> 00:22:47.854 So by practicing speaking while staring intently, they became more 00:22:47.854 --> 00:22:50.124 comfortable with looking more casually. 00:22:50.674 --> 00:22:53.054 So there's a lot of things that go into presence. 00:22:53.205 --> 00:22:57.585 Filler words are one of them that we need to reduce, and then looking 00:22:57.585 --> 00:23:00.655 people in the eyes really does make a difference when you speak. 00:23:02.475 --> 00:23:08.790 When it comes to presence, we are not the best judges of our presence. 00:23:09.079 --> 00:23:10.589 So we have to do a few things. 00:23:10.629 --> 00:23:12.620 One, we have to solicit feedback. 00:23:12.810 --> 00:23:18.350 Go up to people and just say, "What is one thing I can do to make my presence 00:23:18.690 --> 00:23:24.220 stronger?" Another thing that you must do, I believe, to improve your presence 00:23:24.490 --> 00:23:26.289 is to digitally record yourself. 00:23:27.220 --> 00:23:31.199 You can do this when you're virtual, you can do this when you're in person live. 00:23:31.330 --> 00:23:36.429 A great way to practice presence is to record yourself and then watch it 00:23:36.699 --> 00:23:39.950 not once, not twice, but three times. 00:23:40.029 --> 00:23:41.759 I make all my students do this. 00:23:42.149 --> 00:23:45.140 They hate it, but they love it because they learn so much. 00:23:45.520 --> 00:23:49.040 After recording yourself digitally, watch without sound. 00:23:49.950 --> 00:23:52.419 Second, listen without video. 00:23:53.119 --> 00:23:54.969 And then finally, watch both together. 00:23:55.439 --> 00:23:59.369 I want you to pay attention not just to the things you'd like to change, but pay 00:23:59.369 --> 00:24:01.119 attention to the things that go well. 00:24:01.559 --> 00:24:02.770 That's really important, too. 00:24:03.270 --> 00:24:08.969 All of us have a strong presence, some of us stronger than others, but we can 00:24:08.969 --> 00:24:13.689 find things that we like and we need to lean into them and keep doing them, and 00:24:13.689 --> 00:24:15.389 we find things that we need to change. 00:24:18.789 --> 00:24:21.950 I'm often asked how presence and authenticity connect. 00:24:22.329 --> 00:24:25.740 It is absolutely true that you should be authentic to yourself and be 00:24:25.740 --> 00:24:27.850 who you are in your communication. 00:24:28.789 --> 00:24:33.880 That said, a large way that we establish our authenticity is how we show up. 00:24:34.289 --> 00:24:38.210 So I never recommend that people be disingenuous or do things 00:24:38.210 --> 00:24:39.859 that are phony for themselves. 00:24:40.660 --> 00:24:45.950 That said, really reflect on what's true for you and how can you mirror 00:24:45.950 --> 00:24:48.139 and demonstrate that in your presence. 00:24:48.579 --> 00:24:52.200 So if you're somebody who's really passionate, maybe you'll speak 00:24:52.200 --> 00:24:56.249 a little quicker than I might like or you might gesture faster. 00:24:56.649 --> 00:25:00.849 That's okay as long as it's being consistent with who you really are. 00:25:01.309 --> 00:25:05.999 So it starts by you thinking about, "What's important to me? What 00:25:05.999 --> 00:25:10.079 do I wanna portray?" And then do so in a genuine, authentic way. 00:25:16.239 --> 00:25:19.300 Thank you for joining us for this special episode of Think Fast, 00:25:19.400 --> 00:25:23.379 Talk Smart, the podcast, produced by the Headspace podcast team. 00:25:24.059 --> 00:25:27.620 To learn more about communication topics like these and many more, 00:25:28.030 --> 00:25:32.279 please check out our past episode library at fastersmarter.io. 00:25:32.719 --> 00:25:36.789 Special thanks to Ryan Campos, Katherine Reed, and Podium Podcast Company 00:25:36.789 --> 00:25:38.309 for bringing this episode to you. 00:25:38.760 --> 00:25:41.949 Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. 00:25:42.320 --> 00:25:44.449 Be sure to subscribe and rate us. 00:25:44.770 --> 00:25:48.310 Also, follow us on LinkedIn, TikTok, and Instagram. 00:25:48.880 --> 00:25:51.849 Please consider joining our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community 00:25:51.849 --> 00:25:54.189 at fastersmarter.io/learning. 00:25:54.669 --> 00:25:58.169 You'll find video lessons, learning quests, discussion boards, my AI 00:25:58.169 --> 00:26:00.314 coach, and book club opportunities. 00:26:00.704 --> 00:26:05.434 Again, that's fastersmarter.io/learning to become part of our Think Fast, 00:26:05.615 --> 00:26:07.304 Talk Smart Learning Community.