MARK: Welcome to another glorious Monday in Pocatello, also known as the place where dreams go to get sandblasted by fifty-mile-an-hour gusts. It's March 9th, 2026, and I'm Mark, your resident voice of reason in a city that's currently trying to blow itself into the next county. If you're listening while your trampoline is currently migrating toward Inkom, just know we're right there with you.

JOLEEN: And I'm Joleen, the upbeat cynic who's just here to remind you that even if the wind doesn't kill you, the local traffic probably will. You're listening to 'Happening in Pocatello', the only podcast brave enough to admit that living here is basically a long-term endurance test with better scenery than Boise. We've got a lot of shit to get through today, so buckle up if your car hasn't already been flipped over by a rogue tumbleweed.

MARK: Before we get into the meat of this disaster, do us a favor and like, subscribe, and leave a comment if you've ever been personally victimized by a pothole on 5th. You can also reach out to us at pocatello@thehappeningnetwork.com to tell us how much you hate our voices or to send us tips on where to find a decent taco that doesn't involve a drive-thru. We're waiting, you assholes.

JOLEEN: Let's start with the top headlines because Pocatello is apparently trying to burn down and blow away at the same time. The Fire Department had a busy afternoon today, quickly putting out a fire in a condominium building. It's always great when the professionals actually do their jobs before the whole block turns into a giant marshmallow roast. They saved the day, but I'm sure the HOA is already drafted a fine for the smoke damage.

MARK: HOAs are the real criminals, but we'll get to the actual crime in a minute. First, we've got to talk about the wind. National Weather Service has a wind advisory out until tonight, and they aren't kidding. I saw a plastic lawn chair traveling faster than the speed limit on Yellowstone earlier. It's the kind of wind that makes you wonder why we don't just harvest all this kinetic energy and use it to power a giant fan to blow the smells from the fertilizer plant toward American Falls.

JOLEEN: That would require foresight and planning, Mark, two things this city treats like a contagious disease. Speaking of energy, did you see the ISU students over at 'Chrome in the Dome' this weekend? They were showing off their auto skills, and honestly, it's impressive. It's the one time of year where smelling like gasoline and burnt rubber is considered high art instead of just a sign that you've been spending too much time at a basement show.

MARK: It's a step up from the usual Pocatello hobby of 'staring at the old grain elevator and sighing.' But let's move on to the real story of the week, which is the most Pocatello crime story I've ever heard. A forty-two-year-old local genius named TJ Christensen decided to take his white Chevy Suburban for a spin while twice the legal limit. Now, that's standard Idaho behavior, but TJ took it a step further by literally falling out of his moving vehicle.

JOLEEN: I'm still trying to wrap my head around the physics of that. According to witnesses at Garrett Way and East Gould, he was hanging out of the driver's side door like some kind of budget stuntman and just... tumbled. The SUV, having more common sense than its owner, decided to keep going without him. It plowed through a building on North 2nd Avenue, racked up fifty-two-thousand dollars in damages, and TJ actually chased the damn thing on foot.

MARK: Imagine being the guy inside that building, minding your own business, and a three-ton Suburban just decides to join your living room. And then you look out and see a drunk guy running after it like he's in a Benny Hill sketch. He even managed to get back in after it hit the building, rammed it through a garage door, and tried to flee. He's free on bond now, probably looking for a new Suburban and a better sense of balance.

JOLEEN: He posted a ten-thousand-dollar bond, which feels low for someone who used a vehicle as a personalized wrecking ball. He's facing DUI and drug charges because, of course, they found a pipe and some THC wax in the car. It's like he was trying to fill out a bingo card of 'Reasons to Go to Jail in Bannock County.' Honestly, the sheer balls it takes to fall out of your own car and then think, 'I can still drive this,' is almost inspirational in a very stupid way.

MARK: It's the kind of peak performance we've come to expect. On a darker note, we also had a federal indictment come down. A guy named Brayan Gramajo Reyes was arrested for running what sounds like a human trafficking and child labor exploitation scheme. He was allegedly bringing unaccompanied kids from Guatemala and forcing them to work long hours of physical labor. It's a reminder that beneath our quirky 'fall out of your SUV' news, there's some real heavy shit going on in the shadows.

JOLEEN: Yeah, that's the kind of asshole that makes you lose faith in humanity. Exploiting kids is a special kind of evil. It's good that HSI is actually cracking down on that. Between that and the drunk stunt drivers, our police force must be exhausted. No wonder they're constantly asking for more budget and people. It's a miracle they have any time left to write tickets for going five over on South 5th.

MARK: Speaking of being exhausted, let's talk about the Pocatello-Chubbuck School District. Last Friday, Pocatello High went into a 'hall check' because of a rumor about a threat. It turned out to be unsubstantiated, which is the school board's fancy way of saying some kid said something stupid on Snapchat and everyone lost their collective minds. They even rescheduled the assembly because, 'out of an abundance of caution,' which is just code for 'we don't want to get sued.'

JOLEEN: I get the caution, but the way news travels now, you've got three thousand parents on Facebook convinced it's Red Dawn before the principal can even get to the intercom. The Board of Trustees has a new chair, Raymond Knoff, and he's talking about focusing on the budget and the role of AI in the classroom. I'm sure the first thing AI will teach the kids is how to spread rumors even faster than they already do.

MARK: AI hall monitors are probably next. They'll be more efficient and significantly less prone to falling out of moving SUVs than our local adults. But Knoff's got a tough job. They're looking at declining enrollment and the potential closure of Washington Elementary. People are losing their minds over it, which I get, but you can't exactly run a school on nostalgia and the hopes of people who haven't stepped foot in a classroom since the nineties.

JOLEEN: It's always the same story. People love the 'historic' buildings until they see the tax bill for fixing the plumbing that's older than the city itself. If we want to keep the schools open, maybe we should stop spending all our money on replacing the same five water lines every single year. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a cynical podcast host with a foul mouth and a hatred for road construction.

MARK: You brought it up, so let's hit the road construction news. If you usually commute through Inkom, congratulations, your life just got more complicated today. A new traffic pattern started on I-15 this morning as they work on the interchange. It's going to be a clusterfuck for a while, so if you're the type of person who leaves for work with exactly three minutes to spare, you might want to start leaving yesterday.

JOLEEN: And let's not forget Mar Vista Drive. They started installing a water line there today. It's part of the city's ongoing quest to ensure that no single street in Pocatello is ever fully functional at the same time. I swear, there's a guy at City Hall with a map and a dartboard, just picking neighborhoods to terrorize with orange cones. Mar Vista today, your driveway tomorrow. It's the circle of life.

MARK: At least we're finally getting some better pedestrian crossings on Main Street later this year. Twelve intersections are getting upgrades like bulb-outs and those flashing lights that tell drivers to stop, which they will inevitably ignore while they're texting. It's progress, I guess, but it's like putting a band-aid on a broken leg. The roads are shit, the drivers are drunk, and the wind is trying to kill us. Welcome to the Gate City.

JOLEEN: God, I love this place. Let's pivot to something that doesn't make me want to walk into traffic: food. We've got a review today for Cupbop. It's that Korean BBQ in a cup place. I went there last week, and I've got to say, it's actually pretty damn good. It's the perfect food for Pocatello because you can eat it with one hand while using the other to brace yourself against the wind so you don't blow away.

MARK: I'm always skeptical of food that comes in a cup. Usually, that's reserved for ramen or bad coffee. But the B Bop cup with the spicy sauce is a legitimate meal. It's fast, it's messy, and it's spicy enough to make you forget you're living in a high-desert tundra for a few minutes. Plus, the staff there is way too energetic. It's suspicious. No one in Pocatello should be that happy at eleven in the morning.

JOLEEN: They're probably just high on the fumes from the chili sauce. It's better than the 'all you can eat' misery over at Pizza Pie Cafe. I went there once and watched a grown man try to eat his weight in dessert pizza while his kids ran around like wild animals. It's a great place if you've completely given up on life or if you have a massive family and a very small budget. Cupbop feels like a treat; Pizza Pie Cafe feels like a survival strategy.

MARK: That's fair. Speaking of survival, let's talk sports. The ISU women's basketball team is in Boise today for the Big Sky Tournament. They're the number four seed and they're taking on Sacramento State. They've had a solid season, and honestly, we need them to win because the men's team is currently about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. If the women can't bring home a trophy, we're going to have to rely on the softball team for our sports serotonin.

JOLEEN: The softball team is actually killing it. They went five-and-oh at the Orange and Black Classic last week. That's a lot of winning for a school that usually treats 'losing by less than ten points' as a major victory. And let's not forget the Pocatello High girls. They won back-to-back state titles last week. It's nice to see some actual talent coming out of this city, even if it's from people who aren't old enough to buy a beer to celebrate.

MARK: They'll have plenty of time for that later. For the rest of us, we've got the real estate market to cry about. New data shows that home prices are technically down five point seven percent compared to last year, with a median price of around two-hundred-ninety-nine-thousand. But don't get excited. That's still a ridiculous amount of money for a house that likely hasn't been updated since the Carter administration and has a basement that smells like a damp gym bag.

JOLEEN: And inventory is still tight. You've got people fighting over houses in the University area like they're the last loaf of bread before a blizzard. The forecast says the market is 'stabilizing,' which is real estate agent speak for 'it's still going to be painful, but maybe we'll stop the bidding wars for a week.' If you're renting, you're not doing much better. Rents are up three point six percent year-over-year. Basically, the city wants your money, and they don't care how they get it.

MARK: It's the American dream, Pocatello style. If you can't afford a house, you can at least afford a beer, and we've got the perfect opportunity for that this weekend. The Gate City Brewfest is happening this Saturday, March 14th. If you want to get a head start, Wanderlust is hosting a pre-party on Friday night. It's the one weekend where the entire city collectively agrees to stop pretending they're productive and just focuses on trying local IPAs until they can't feel the wind anymore.

JOLEEN: Brewfest is basically the official start of spring in Pocatello, regardless of what the weather says. It's a beautiful tradition of people in North Face jackets standing in a parking lot, shivering while they drink a four-ounce pour of something called 'Stinky Sock Ale' or whatever. If you're not into beer, there's also a MomCo meeting tomorrow where they're talking about gardening tips. I assume the first tip is 'don't plant anything until June because the frost is a dick.'

MARK: And on Wednesday, there's the Guns and Hoses fundraiser for CASA. It's a great cause, and it's always fun to see the cops and firefighters pretend to like each other for a few hours while they raise money. Then on Monday the 16th, we've got Empty Bowls. You get a cool handmade bowl and some soup, and the money goes to the Idaho Foodbank. It's a nice way to feel like a better person before you go home and yell at your neighbor for letting their dog shit on your lawn again.

JOLEEN: Let's check the weather so we know exactly how many layers to wear for all these events. Today is the high point at fifty-seven degrees, which would be nice if the wind wasn't currently trying to peel the paint off my house. Tomorrow, the temperature drops to forty-four and we're looking at light snow early in the morning. Because of course we are. It's March in Idaho; if you expected anything else, you clearly haven't lived here long enough to be this bitter.

MARK: Wednesday and Thursday are looking slightly better, with highs in the low fifties and mostly cloudy skies. Friday actually looks decent at sixty-four degrees, but don't get your hopes up. Saturday for the Brewfest is back down to sixty with 'sprinkles late.' So, your beer might get a little watered down by the tears of the sky. Sunday is a high of fifty-four and overcast. It's basically a week of 'meh' followed by 'ugh.'

JOLEEN: At least we aren't getting a full-blown blizzard like they did in the eighties. My grandma still talks about that like it was a war. Anyway, that's the news for this week. We've covered the wind, the drunk SUV jumpers, the schools, and the fact that you can't afford a house. If you're still listening, you're either a glutton for punishment or you're stuck in traffic on I-15 and you've got nothing better to do. Either way, we appreciate you.

MARK: Remember, you can email us at pocatello@thehappeningnetwork.com. We want to hear your stories of survival. Tell us about the weirdest thing you've seen blow across the road or the worst meal you've ever had in this town. We might even read it on air if it's sufficiently depressing or hilarious. Don't forget to like and subscribe, you miserable dicks. It's the only way we get paid for this shit.

JOLEEN: Stay safe out there, Pocatello. Keep your car doors locked, your trampolines tied down, and your blood alcohol level below TJ Christensen's. We'll be back next week to tell you more about why this city is simultaneously the best and worst place on earth. Until then, stay shitty, Gate City.

MARK: Actually, I have one more thing. If anyone finds a blue recycling bin with 'Property of the City of Pocatello' on it near the Portneuf River, that's probably mine. The wind took it on a journey this morning and I'm not chasing it. Just leave it there; it's the river's problem now. Goodbye, everyone.