What if the reason you keep struggling to change isn’t a lack of discipline, motivation, or willpower?
What if it’s your identity?
This is one of my favorite episodes from the early days of Beyond the Gray, and it’s worth bringing back because this conversation goes way beyond alcohol.
We all carry stories about who we are:
“I’m not a morning person.”
“I’m just not disciplined.”
“I have a sweet tooth.”
“I need a drink to unwind.”
“I’m not a gym person.”
“This is just how I am.”
The problem is that when we repeat those stories long enough, they start to feel like facts. And once a belief becomes part of your identity, your behavior tends to follow it.
In this episode, we’re talking about why identity drives behavior, why changing a habit without changing your self-concept often doesn’t stick, and how you can intentionally begin becoming the person you actually want to be.
Yes, this applies to drinking. But it also applies to your health, marriage, relationships, leadership, faith, discipline, energy, and the way you want to live the next 10, 20, or 30 years of your life.
Because the real question isn’t just:
“What do I want to change?”
It’s:
“Who am I becoming?”
I also walk you through my DECIDE methodology and explain why identity comes before daily habits and execution. And I’ll give you a simple exercise you can do this week to start closing the gap between who you are today and who you want to become.
You are not stuck with the version of you that got you here.
You are allowed to evolve.
In this episode, we talk about:
- Why willpower isn’t the real answer to lasting change
- How your identity is formed through repeated thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors
- The danger of saying, “This is just what I do”
- Why behavior change without identity change often doesn’t last
- What happened when wine became part of my own identity
- Why changing can feel scary even when you know you want something different
- The connection between identity, habits, and behavior
- How to start defining the future version of yourself
- How the DECIDE method helps you create meaningful change
- A simple exercise to identify who you're becoming and what that person does today
Your challenge this week
Complete this sentence:
“Five or ten years from now, I am a man/woman who ______.”
Be specific.
Then ask yourself:
“What does that person do today?”
That gap between who you say you want to become and what you're doing today is where your work begins.
If this episode makes you question something deeper about your life, your habits, your drinking, or the person you're becoming, let's talk.
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What is Beyond the Gray?
You’ve built something solid. A business. A reputation. A life that looks the part.
But somewhere along the way, something started feeling off.
Not broken. Not a crisis. Just… not right.
Maybe the drinking has become more of a habit than you'd like to admit.
Maybe the marriage is stable but not exactly alive.
Maybe you're still driven, but the fire feels different.
You're functioning at a high level — and wondering why that still isn't enough.
Beyond the Gray explores the gray areas of life that successful people rarely talk about — including gray area drinking, midlife identity shifts, relationships, faith, health, and purpose.
Host Kari Schwear, founder of GrayTonic, helps business owners, leaders, and high-achievers understand what’s driving their habits, reconnect with what actually matters, and lead their lives with the same intention they bring to their work.
This isn’t a sobriety podcast.
And there are no labels here.
Just clarity, honesty, and conversations most people are too busy performing to have.
While many of Kari’s clients are men over 50 navigating these transitions, the ideas explored here resonate with anyone ready to move beyond the gray.
New episodes every Tuesday.