In today’s episode, we're going to delve into a topic that hits close to home for many of us – the profound impact of losing friends at an early age and how it can cast a long shadow on the path of our lives. I’ll share the loss of 3 friends that had bright futures ahead of them, but tragedy wrote a different ending to their stories.
Call to Action: If you or someone you know is struggling with the loss of a friend, remember you’re not alone. Reach out for support, whether it’s through a trusted friend, family member, or professional counselor. Healing takes time, but sharing your story can be a powerful step towards finding peace.
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More about this episode "Grief and Growth: Losing Friends Before 23 and Its Impact on Depression":
I'm your host, Adam Turner, and today we're going to delve into a topic that hits close to home for many of us – the profound impact of losing friends at an early age and how it can cast a long shadow on the path of our lives.
You see, life is a tapestry woven with threads of laughter, shared memories, and the bonds we build with the people around us. But sometimes, those threads are cut way too short, leaving us grappling with a sense of emptiness that lingers for years. That's exactly what happened to me. As I stand here at 47 years old, I can't help but look back and recognize the weight that these losses have had on my journey with depression.
As sons of a Lay Rabbi, my brother & I were often called upon to funeral services that my dad would conduct. I wouldn’t be surprised if by the age of 17 my brother had been to a few dozen funerals, some for family while others were for people we didn’t know well. So I was very familiar with Jewish Funerals and the traditions that come along with it. What I WASN’T prepared for is when a High School classmate was killed in an auto-accident during our Senior Year. He was the Senior Class President, the multi-sport athlete and honestly just an all around nice guy! He lived just a block away so we would spend a lot of time together. We would play tennis baseball in his backyard, he taught me how to play table tennis (not good enough to beat him, but he taught me enough to play), a favorite was sledding down what then appeared to be a MONSTER hill…and when it was raining we would sit in front of the television and play MIKE TYSON’S KNOCKOUT on the Nintendo Entertainment System!!! It was October 30th and he was driving home after attending the schools Halloween Dance…he was dressed as Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” and he NAILED IT!!! I believe his date was dressed as Dolly Parton (but I wasn’t at the dance & my memory isn’t what it use to be). When I was told what happened, time just stood still…I didn’t know how to feel as this was someone that I spent time with, went to 12 years of school with & competed with on his team & against him…. My father consoled me…best he could – The next thing I remember was calling hours at one of the local funeral homes. We lived a block away and decided to walk. As we turned the corner towards the Funeral Home I remember thinking to myself…holy crap! There was a line down the street for a couple of blocks…all I could hear was crying as we approached to pay our respects. We finally made it into the doors of the Funeral Home, we saw his younger sister, older brother mother & father…and then I froze. I looked towards the casket as I had many times before at the funerals I attended, but NEVER in my life had I been to an open casket. My friend lying there & I see him! As we made our ways through the line I noticed his dad touching my friends shoulder before shaking everyones hand and thanking them for coming. Just as I heard on the way in the tears remained on our way out, but it was shortly after leaving the screams of terror from my brother that frightened me most…he also was traumatized after seeing the body of our once VIBRANT friend with nothing but a bright future ahead of him. I still think about him…and when I do I smile and sing “you’ve got to know when to hold em’, know when to fold em’, know when to walk away, know when to run, you never count your money when your sittin at the table, there’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done!
Tim – was one of my three sophomore year roommates. Tim was quietly hilarious. In order to help pay for school, he would substitute teach at the local high school. Like me, he wasn’t a morning person, so when the call to substitute came in at 5:30 a.m. he had to evaluate how he felt from the night before and surprisingly he would accept…almost every time they called him. However, there was this one particular morning that he received a call to come in and I heard him say he wasn’t going to be able to cover that day. My curiosity got the best of me and so I asked him “Tim, why didn’t you accept!” He said: “Adam, I don’t want to be an adult today…I want to be a college student!!!” It was so Tim to just tell it how it was, no BS…
Although I didn’t know Tim for a long time, about a year and a half, I knew him long enough to build a bond a very strong bond…that tends to happen when you live together. So to receive the news that Tim & his girlfriend was in a car accident, the 1st thing that came to mind was Ben…I ask the police officer if they were going to be ok & the response sent me into an instant frenzy. The police officer said that Tim was killed in the accident & his girlfriend was “fighting for her life”…in that moment there are so many questions – How did this happen? Where did it happen? Etc. The passing of Tim was difficult for all that knew him. In the coming weeks, we would have a special tribute on campass where friends could share their thoughts and say our final goodbye to our friend. The University was incredibly supportive, checking in on the three of us as we try to make sense of what was going on around us. The University prepared us meals (breakfast, lunch & dinner) for the next couple of weeks, provided resources for counseling, & reached out to our professors regarding the accident. Meanwhile, Tim’s HS friend and roommate was at the hospital to support Tim’s girlfriend…who was fighting for her life. She had multiple painful surgeries & he wanted to be there when she woke up from them…the news wasn’t going to be easy to share, but he knew it would be even harder hear. How do you tell someone that the person you love is no longer with us?
Through the toughest of times, there still can be a silver lining. His girlfriend survived, she is still physically & mentally scared from that tragic night…yet somehow was able to make lemonade from those sour lemons. Tim’s HS friend & roommate ended up marrying and have 2 beautiful twin girls – MIRACLE of MIRACLES! Don’t get this twisted like a Jerry Springer episode…They didn’t care for each other at first – the typical buddy wanting to hang out with his “boy” but Girlfriend always ruined that. However, when you look at most successful relationships/marriages they are often times woven together tightly with similar experiences…the accident, the grieving, the recovery were all experiences that brought them together in life.
Jimmy – The ONLY thing more UNLIKELY to happen in my life, other than meeting the women of my dreams, is becoming friends with Jimmy! I was 1st introduced to Jimmy when he told his cousins to steal my basketball from me as I was walking to the the Memorial School where a youth basketball tournament was being held. It was a short walk away & in the 80’s kids still walked places…lol! I was all of about 50 lbs. soaking wet with a body built by skin & bones. Jimmy & his cousins were known to be trouble makers, so when I saw them in the distance I decided to cross the street to avoid any “situations”. Unfortunately, the “orders” had already been given and two of his goons (I can call them that now because they too would admit it!!! They tried to wrestle the basketball from me, I’m not too sure why but they didn’t try too hard. It wouldn’t have taken much more to take the ball…I later learned it was more of a “I’m bored, let’s spice things up…” they didn’t want to hurt me…just get a rise out of me. I was shook, but determined to get out of there ALIVE & with my basketball.
Our next encounter was as if the 1st never happened…it was as if I had earned their respect. I invited them over to play basketball and we did so…for about 8 hours & stopped only because it was too late to bounce the ball without keeping the neighborhoods awake. It wasn’t long before a bond formed between Jimmy & I, I quickly became family…except I was like the “good angel” sitting on his left shoulder (he was a lefty so I made sure I was on his DOMINANT SIDE – lol) I never tried to change who he was, I only shared what he was risking by the decisions he made. See Jimmy was quite Intelligent, learning came “easy” to him, unfortunately that also made it extremely boring! Not to mention he had this bad boy vibe but was the absolute kindest person I’ve ever met. That was most noticeable when he lived with us for a short period of time. My brother & I were raised with manners – holding doors, please & thank you were woven into the fabric of who were were…yet somehow Jimmy found a way to outdo us! He would ask to be excused from the table, clear everyone’s dishes and start to wash them…this is something that my brother & I tried to do in the past, but we were met with resistance from my mother…who liked to do the dishes HER WAY. So when she didn’t stop him from cleaning the dishes my brother and I looked at each other like What the heck is going on right now?
As time passed our friendship grew stronger & deeper. Conversations were deep about past experiences, life & the future. Jimmy’s mother raised him, his sister & younger brother which was very different than my upbringing. I asked a lot of questions & Jimmy had no problem answering them…often times on a very deep philosophical level. When asked “do you like living here better”…he said “One is not “better” than the other, I am grateful for both as my mom provided me with everything I needed & living with you provides me with the things I will need to move forward. Admittedly Jimmy wanted & needed a little more structure…not too much, but a little more. I think of it as a new voice…saying the same thing, but for some reason it is received. It’s like when you go to a store and there is an issue in which the associate tries to handle, yet you demand to talk to the manager – a few minutes later the “issue” is resolved only to learn the manager said the same damn thing the associate said…that ever happen to you?
As I mentioned Jimmy was intelligent, but bored…he did love working. So much so that my brother & I had to pull him aside and give him a talking to. You’ve heard of “grading on a curve”, which means adjusting student scores after an assisgment using a bell curve. Well Jimmy was messing up the curve when it came to work/physical labor to be exact. We had chores to do, mow lawn, rake leaves, take out trash, etc. and we weren’t “rewarded” for doing anything quick…often times we would have to do MORE so my brother & I had to have a family sit down w/Jimmy and explain how things worked around here. Do what your told, but not too fast otherwise there will be MORE to do…I never could understand how someone with so much Intelligence, was unable to follow simple directions – he only had ONE SPEED!!!
I learned in High School, & early on in college, how difficult it was to lose a friend…losing Jimmy would be no different. At just 21 years old, he too was lost in an auto accident. The unexpected loss of a friend is impossible to make sense of & the curiosity of what they would be doing today if only they were still with us is a constant reminder that tomorrow is never promised.
Sharing these stories have opened my eyes to the effect they have on me today.
I’m sure many of you listening lost a friend all too soon…we know where we were, how we found out & how surreal it felt. In that moment I learned that NO amount of funerals I attended in the past was going to prepare me for what I was about to experience.
I was just a teenager when I first experienced the gut-wrenching loss of a close friend. We were inseparable, navigating the ups and downs of high school together, dreaming about our futures, and laughing until our bellies ached. But one day, that laughter was silenced. The news of their passing hit me like a tidal wave, leaving me gasping for air in a sea of confusion and grief.
In the years that followed, I found myself caught in a cycle of questioning. Why did they have to leave so soon? What did I miss? Could I have done something differently? The weight of these unanswered questions began to shape the lens through which I viewed the world. It was as though a dim cloud had settled over my ability to truly engage with life, casting everything in a muted shade.
As I grew older, I realized that these early losses had planted seeds of melancholy within me. The vibrant colors of life seemed to pale in comparison to the vivid memories of moments shared with those who were no longer here. And while life moved forward, that sense of loss remained a constant companion. It's a peculiar feeling, you know – to dance with memories in a world that keeps spinning.
But through it all, I've come to understand that these losses weren't just chapters in my life; they were chapters that deeply impacted the narrative of my mental health. The unresolved grief, the unspoken words, and the unforgiving silence all contributed to a narrative that began to intertwine with my experiences of depression.
So, my friends, if you're listening and nodding your heads, know that you're not alone. The pain of losing friends too soon is a pain that reverberates through time, leaving an indelible mark on our hearts and minds. And it's okay to acknowledge that this pain might have contributed to the struggles we face today. It's okay to recognize that our journeys with depression are shaped by a tapestry of experiences, both beautiful and heart-wrenching.
As we continue to navigate this intricate dance with our own emotions, let's remember to be kind to ourselves. Let's honor the memories of those we've lost by living fully, by seeking help when needed, and by finding strength in our vulnerabilities. Because even in the midst of our struggles, we're still dancing – sometimes with heavy hearts, but always with the hope that the music will guide us toward healing.