Speaker 1: Welcome by to Beardless, stickless Me.
Speaker 2: That's a good representation of the way I hear your voice.
Speaker 1: No, that's that's gonna be my new thing, you know
Speaker 1: how like Robin Williams Head Good Morn and Vietnam for
Speaker 1: that movie, We're always going to start the show welcome
Speaker 1: back to Beardless.
Speaker 2: That's how we wrote the listeners.
Speaker 1: In, you know, fucking like Bart Simpson had, you know,
Speaker 1: I Corumba. That's what we're getting known for. I'm welcome
Speaker 1: back to Beard the stickless me. I'm kivin. People don't
Speaker 1: have hooks anymore, you know hawk To I had. She
Speaker 1: had a hooker. Whole hook was hawk To. That was
Speaker 1: the whole fucking thing. We need a fucking gimmick. Hey,
Speaker 1: you know that girl that I'm always like, hey man,
Speaker 1: what about fucking I'm your daddy? Yes, she don't. She
Speaker 1: ain't even on Spotify no more. Really, No, she got
Speaker 1: a fat fucking deal with uh serious XM, which had
Speaker 1: to be real fat because like that's jumping from like,
Speaker 1: you know, a medium where everybody knows you to a
Speaker 1: place where like they're nearly as many serious XM listeners
Speaker 1: as there are podcast listeners at this point.
Speaker 2: Is she going to have like a radio show or
Speaker 2: is it a pot or is it still a podcasting?
Speaker 1: And that's the thing. It's like the podcast was always
Speaker 1: just a radio show, but it's her doing the same
Speaker 1: thing there, and I don't know what that is. I've
Speaker 1: never heard the show, but I know she's rich. I
Speaker 1: want to be as rich as her.
Speaker 2: That is like the goal.
Speaker 1: This is it. This is the only way we get
Speaker 1: that riches with. This is our fucking what's that show called? Uh?
Speaker 2: Call her?
Speaker 1: Call her daddy? I think this is our call her
Speaker 1: daddy moment she's it wasn't Alex.
Speaker 2: I think her Alex Earl.
Speaker 1: I think Alex.
Speaker 2: I think Alex Earl.
Speaker 1: Maybe Cooper.
Speaker 2: Maybe it's Alex.
Speaker 1: Cooper or maybe I'm confusing that with Alice Cooper the
Speaker 1: way I confused Mary Carpenter last weeks.
Speaker 2: Not specified names because my dad I can't be trusted.
Speaker 1: But wait, what was my point?
Speaker 2: I don't know. All I have in my mind right
Speaker 2: now is Hawk too.
Speaker 1: I mean this could be our hawk to. No, that
Speaker 1: girl is gone off Spotify for the taking. You're right, no,
Speaker 1: but we're also on Spotify.
Speaker 2: Yeah that's true, that's true.
Speaker 1: But let me tell you something. If Spotify was like,
Speaker 1: let's talk money, then you know.
Speaker 2: We're grateful for where we are right now and we
Speaker 2: love iHeart Radio. Yeah I'm bitching, but like it's not
Speaker 2: like they're not going to hear this.
Speaker 1: IM just saying, you know, I'm.
Speaker 2: Just putting it out there.
Speaker 1: Welcome. That's what they're gonna lose out and that's why
Speaker 1: Spotify is gonna come calm. They're like, look, the first
Speaker 1: thirty episodes were pedestrian, but once you found that hook so.
Speaker 2: True, things really turned around.
Speaker 1: Well today that's your hawk too. They'll say that's your
Speaker 1: hawk to a moment, and we had cameras rolling on it,
Speaker 1: so people will be like, that's you know, how hawk too.
Speaker 1: It was like you got spit on that thing and
Speaker 1: everyone's like. Someone will be like, you know, turn the
Speaker 1: welcome back to like a sex joke, and people will
Speaker 1: be like, so we could do the welcome back coin.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, pump and dump a rug pull if you will.
Speaker 2: My god.
Speaker 1: Alleged an event. Before we fucking get the riches of
Speaker 1: any podcast, we got to address a thing or two.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, last week for those that watch the show,
Speaker 1: who can see the show at that Kevin smith club
Speaker 1: dot com. You probably couldn't even pay attention to what
Speaker 1: we were talking about as you saw my hair creep
Speaker 1: out the front of my cast until I looked like
Speaker 1: I'd fallen out of a moving car and rolled down
Speaker 1: a Moholland drive and rolled into like the streets in
Speaker 1: the valley and then stood up. That's what I fucking
Speaker 1: looked like. I'm sitting across from somebody who comes dressed
Speaker 1: to the nines, full fucking make ready to vogue at
Speaker 1: all times, and she can't have the common decency to be.
Speaker 2: Like that picture I thought it would be. I thought
Speaker 2: you would be embarrassed.
Speaker 1: Why that was embarrassed by what I looked like. I
Speaker 1: would have I could have would have been happy to
Speaker 1: have some help together.
Speaker 2: I thought about it. I did notice, and I did,
Speaker 2: but I was internally strategy.
Speaker 1: I noticed it was a third person at our podcast table,
Speaker 1: this fucking like it was.
Speaker 2: It wasn't that bad.
Speaker 1: It was so bad. Like I was downloading the file
Speaker 1: before I had to upload it to Will, and you know,
Speaker 1: I just scan through them to make sure it's all
Speaker 1: there and stuff. As I'm scanning through, I'm watching this
Speaker 1: hair slowly come out of the fucking you know, front
Speaker 1: of my I wear my caps backwards, my baseball caps backwards,
Speaker 1: so the back is the front. Yeah, so the hair
Speaker 1: is sticking out the front all fucking stupid. And it's
Speaker 1: a real sticking point with me, Like if you watch
Speaker 1: me in live performances, like every five minutes, I will
Speaker 1: fix my hat.
Speaker 2: I know. That's why I thought you were going to.
Speaker 1: Do it, Jennifer. I'm always like, you gotta fucking tell me,
Speaker 1: like just I don't care where. I just say hair
Speaker 1: or something, but like if you're seeing it, And she
Speaker 1: was like, I don't give a shit. I was like
Speaker 1: I do. I look like an asshole, and so she's like,
Speaker 1: all right, So now she says it not as often
Speaker 1: as she should, I feel, but here I was getting
Speaker 1: into the show. I wasn't thinking about my appearance and shit,
Speaker 1: but I still have presence of mind to fix my
Speaker 1: hat throughout the show. I think I did it like
Speaker 1: five times. Is it happening right now?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: No, because you were staring at me, like I.
Speaker 2: Feel like I have to watch it.
Speaker 1: I'm looking at this thing and I look so ratchet,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, she didn't she could have just said
Speaker 1: a thing, so I texted Harley. I was like, bro, he.
Speaker 2: Sent me a close and I.
Speaker 1: Said to her screenshot and I'm like, you don't want
Speaker 1: to say anything. She was like I did. I just
Speaker 1: didn't want to be here. I didn't know what was
Speaker 1: right in this situation. Is always right to be like, Dad,
Speaker 1: you look like it asked.
Speaker 2: I was trying to telepathically tell you, but you didn't
Speaker 2: pick up on it.
Speaker 1: I know it was c was just like, I didn't
Speaker 1: know if I can say. I was like, we can
Speaker 1: cut it out, but I wouldn't care, Like I don't
Speaker 1: care people hear it. I'm not like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: they'll know that my hair. It already happened. The damage
Speaker 1: was done.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry now.
Speaker 1: I want that be an ad for those who listened
Speaker 1: to the show, but like I've never seen it. They're like,
Speaker 1: you mean, I could watch this fucker aggressively groof goofier
Speaker 1: throughout the show like a total asshat. That's one of
Speaker 1: the few bucks so that Kevin Smithville dot com. I'm
Speaker 1: that's full now. She's really mellow made up. Well, look
Speaker 1: at her. She thought into her outfit, into her makeup.
Speaker 1: Time was put into him. On the other hand, look
Speaker 1: at a hair keeps coming out? What Harry got left?
Speaker 1: Stick it out? A little hat and all that. What
Speaker 1: a deck wad. I love this show. I love to
Speaker 1: hate it.
Speaker 2: That is what happens.
Speaker 1: I I was inspired. First off, do you have anything
Speaker 1: to add? You got anything? Motherfucker? What that fuck? I
Speaker 1: see you're wearing a Harley Davidson jacket. It's very rare
Speaker 1: that Harley wears Harley.
Speaker 2: I I like sporting some Harley Davidson apparel.
Speaker 1: From time to time.
Speaker 2: But then people are like, are you wearing that so
Speaker 2: that you remember your name?
Speaker 1: Is kind of what I just did, which is what
Speaker 1: you just Where are you going that You're so dressed
Speaker 1: up with the hoop earrings and all this ship and
Speaker 1: make up in the fucking plan? Uh?
Speaker 2: I feel like you're coming at me. I'm going to
Speaker 2: a screening of my very good friend Olivia's new movie.
Speaker 1: This is Olivia from Cruel Summer.
Speaker 2: Yes, and the new movie is Heart Eyes.
Speaker 1: I saw a trailer for that. Yeah, I can't wait
Speaker 1: to see you here. You're gonna you're seeing the movie.
Speaker 1: I'm also going to screening tonight.
Speaker 3: Matter of factor, look at us, ut a, what what what?
Speaker 2: Mine's only mine's only at a little place called Sony.
Speaker 1: The actual lot.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a little casual spot named Sony.
Speaker 1: Tell them two times. Goldberg's director Kevin Smith's high. That's
Speaker 1: when I well, I was fucked with the Sony Lot.
Speaker 1: And that was before I had the heart attack, so
Speaker 1: I wasn't a vegan yet, and so on the Goldberg set.
Speaker 1: Their craft service was excellent, and one day they put
Speaker 1: out this like chicken salad and I was like this, this,
Speaker 1: this chicken salad tastes like the chicken salad that I
Speaker 1: could used to get at both the Willow Deli back
Speaker 1: in New Jersey, which closed me and Brian Johnson after
Speaker 1: like classes at Brookdale Community College. Just stop out of
Speaker 1: Willow Deli and get a fucking chicken salad sandwich, I said.
Speaker 1: And it also tastes like the chicken salad at the
Speaker 1: ink Well that I would get on it toasted Pita
Speaker 1: ink Well being my favorite restaurant that ever existed. Now
Speaker 1: it doesn't exist anymore. I'm so sorry, poor one out
Speaker 1: for the ink Well. So I loved this chicken salad,
Speaker 1: so I said it a crafty. I was like, hey, man, okay,
Speaker 1: get some of as chicken salad like to go home.
Speaker 1: She said, oh yeah, she gave me a big fucking
Speaker 1: thing of it. And I was eating so much as
Speaker 1: chicken salad like. I was like, oh God, does the
Speaker 1: chicken sala This tastes like a happy childhood. So I
Speaker 1: was like, Yo, where do I do you make this?
Speaker 1: To the craft service like? And she was like no,
Speaker 1: I get it from the service. I was like can
Speaker 1: I can you put me in touch with the service
Speaker 1: and she was like, well they yeah, but she's like,
Speaker 1: they don't make like human portions, they make cruise portions.
Speaker 1: And I was like that's good. And so I got
Speaker 1: in touch with this place that made it, and they
Speaker 1: were like, who what productions this for?
Speaker 2: And I was like production of one Bro, production of
Speaker 2: Kevin Smith's life.
Speaker 1: And so they would make like a gigantic you know,
Speaker 1: one of those tins that you see at a fucking
Speaker 1: wedding smile food full of chicken salad.
Speaker 2: If it's not clear, my dad hyper fixates on certain food.
Speaker 1: When I find something I like it, So I was
Speaker 1: doing that for a while. I would have to drive
Speaker 1: over to over near Sony and pick it up from
Speaker 1: this fucking place.
Speaker 2: You really are so interesting, like that.
Speaker 1: I don't know if that's interesting. Found a food I like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's what you do every time. When you
Speaker 2: found the Twizzlers, you bought twenty five packets and flew
Speaker 2: them across the country.
Speaker 1: You did about twenty five pack the Twizzlers chocolate Twizzers
Speaker 1: at the food town in Atlantic Islands because they don't
Speaker 1: have chocolate Twiszers.
Speaker 2: Are you scared that well?
Speaker 1: In this in that sort of scary city is something.
Speaker 1: It keeps me awake at night. I'm like, what if
Speaker 1: they run out of chocolate twizzers? Should not like I
Speaker 1: stick with it? I commit.
Speaker 2: You commit hard.
Speaker 1: I do, and it's not like I commit and I
Speaker 1: love it hard and then I lose interest in it.
Speaker 1: It becomes part of the matrix.
Speaker 2: Remember when my friend Chris would make you sloppy Joe's
Speaker 2: yah vegan sloppy Joe.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you said it the other day and I
Speaker 1: was like, why did that fucking stop?
Speaker 2: He's making his own movie now, so he's.
Speaker 1: Making a motion picture.
Speaker 2: Yeah he is.
Speaker 1: I'll swap him advice for a fucking vegan sloppy joke.
Speaker 1: Maybe do you want tips from a guy you know?
Speaker 1: I've been around the movie business maybe don't know man
Speaker 1: or not, but I did make clerks back in nineteen
Speaker 1: eighty fourth seminole par American independent colmerks very iconic. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, but yeah, I'll fucking I'll talk directing to.
Speaker 2: Get some fucking to get some Joe's.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I could pay for it too, but
Speaker 1: either way, either way. But when you mentioned him the
Speaker 1: other day, like that get way he used to make,
Speaker 1: you began sloppy jokes and I was like, that's right.
Speaker 1: I used to have something and sloppy Joe. That's what
Speaker 1: happens is I love the thing to death and then
Speaker 1: something else pops up and I get like fixated on that.
Speaker 1: But it's not like I stopped liking the thing.
Speaker 2: You just move on to a new hyper.
Speaker 1: Give me some vegan sloppy Joe from your boy what's
Speaker 1: his name?
Speaker 3: Chris?
Speaker 1: Chris, Chris making.
Speaker 2: A movie, Chris?
Speaker 1: Is it about beingon Sloppy Joe's.
Speaker 2: That's the story of Ironically.
Speaker 1: It's about the time that he made Vegan Sloppy Joe's
Speaker 1: for a low grade celebrity in the Hollywood Hills. I
Speaker 1: was like, wait, that sounds wait.
Speaker 2: For a level celebrity.
Speaker 1: I believe he has Joshad playing you what I want
Speaker 1: to You're not alone. He wants a real actor, somebody
Speaker 1: who feels the method. He wants this chicken salad. I
Speaker 1: don't know if you remember, but I took it with
Speaker 1: us many places, like I took it to Sundance and
Speaker 1: I remember they stopped me at the TSA. They're like, you,
Speaker 1: you can't bring this much food through. I was like,
Speaker 1: it's just chicken salad. They're like, well, how do we
Speaker 1: know that? And I was like, you can root around it.
Speaker 2: How much was there?
Speaker 1: It was a big fucking enough to take the sun dance.
Speaker 2: Like a like a blatter like what.
Speaker 1: But packed into like big tupperware tubs. I should put
Speaker 1: it under the plate, but I brought it on carrying wed.
Speaker 1: I love that chicken salad was so good. Then I
Speaker 1: had a heart attack, went vegan.
Speaker 2: And here we are and the chicken. Yeah, no more chicken.
Speaker 1: And it was the chicken salad I mean because it
Speaker 1: was straight up real mayonnaise too. And I wasn't a
Speaker 1: big mayonnaise guy, but I liked like fat free mayonnaise.
Speaker 1: But at one point I brought him fat free manaise.
Speaker 1: Can you make it with this.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, this guy talks about this, talks about
Speaker 2: the tails of the one singular person who came and
Speaker 2: ordered production size case.
Speaker 1: Motherfucker you know him? This he fucking he would eat
Speaker 1: is just him all the chicken salad. He's that guy.
Speaker 1: Was his name Kevin James?
Speaker 2: Like, what's his name? Josh Gad?
Speaker 1: Yes, Josh Gadding, pretty pretty good pull.
Speaker 2: Remember when we saw him in Book of Mormon, him
Speaker 2: and Andrew Reynolds.
Speaker 1: Yeah, before the fucking before they were super fam before
Speaker 1: he was a fucking snowman.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, you want to build a snowman.
Speaker 1: I still haven't seen it? What still never saw I'll
Speaker 1: watch it with you, yes, one day when you're like,
Speaker 1: I'm you've seen it. I can't believe I haven't seen
Speaker 1: this picture. Man, they've had two of them, but a
Speaker 1: couple of Frozen.
Speaker 2: I feel like you've probably missed the past few Disney movies.
Speaker 1: Well, honestly, once you grew up like that suddenly, And
Speaker 1: it's weird because I loved animated movies before you. But
Speaker 1: like you know, once you stop going animated movies as
Speaker 1: much like it's not like you stop going, but once
Speaker 1: you stop being a kid. She stopped going. I guess
Speaker 1: when she stopped gone. She don't fuck with cartoons at all.
Speaker 2: I love cartoons.
Speaker 1: I mean she does love the Simpsons. Still. The other
Speaker 1: night we put on the Simpsons. She watched hours of it,
Speaker 1: but a classic, but generally she's not like into animated films.
Speaker 1: She's not like, I'm against this, but that's not her
Speaker 1: poisonous ship.
Speaker 2: I have three words for you inside two.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she won't. She she'll never watch that again.
Speaker 2: Because it was it wasting emotional.
Speaker 1: She was like, oh god, what did we watch recently?
Speaker 1: Where she was also like knee caps fucking emotional. She
Speaker 1: got oddly emotional kneecap. She gets weirdly emotional things where
Speaker 1: I'm like that that's your.
Speaker 2: That's a powerful story.
Speaker 1: Like I'm not saying it's not a powerful story, but
Speaker 1: this is. This is why she was crying. She was
Speaker 1: just like, language is so important. What that's would fucking
Speaker 1: melt your cold art? And there was something else too
Speaker 1: the other day where I'm.
Speaker 2: Like, that's melts your cold heart?
Speaker 1: Is that what you said? Yeah, that's what you want
Speaker 1: to let it go.
Speaker 2: She's a snow queen.
Speaker 1: The uh and that chicken salad bro.
Speaker 2: This is not very vegan of you.
Speaker 1: It's like one hundred and twenty dollars for like a
Speaker 1: tub of it.
Speaker 2: Oh my yeah, Oh my god, you're so weird, such
Speaker 2: a weird guy.
Speaker 1: The here, the what are we talking about in the
Speaker 1: first place? Though? Oh? How's my hair?
Speaker 2: I just want to check in. It's good.
Speaker 1: Part of the reason I'm wearing this hat is because
Speaker 1: it doesn't move as much as the great.
Speaker 2: Oh is that why you're wearing this hat?
Speaker 1: I can't care on you.
Speaker 2: Well, maybe just do it just in case. Maybe just
Speaker 2: do it just in case. Now I'm paranoid.
Speaker 1: Now you're talking to the dogs like behind my back,
Speaker 1: going like I let him look like an.
Speaker 2: Asshole to mom after I'm like, he's here.
Speaker 1: Okay, I have a list of things. Last episode we
Speaker 1: were trying we were talking about departments I've structured. I
Speaker 1: was shown to some apartments. Oh no, excuse me, yes,
Speaker 1: and you you're gonna live with it. You're gonna accept it.
Speaker 1: We'll see. It's just to give the show a skill.
Speaker 2: I agree there should be departments. I just I fear
Speaker 2: what your departments are.
Speaker 1: Apparently people don't fucking just talk to each other anymore.
Speaker 1: Now everything is like I don't know what people fucking do,
Speaker 1: but like this shit like two people just fucking bullshitting'
Speaker 1: that need apparently than anything.
Speaker 2: Well, here we are.
Speaker 1: This is I fucking look, I've been doing this shit
Speaker 1: since two thousand and seven. This is my thing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it is.
Speaker 1: Granted I don't make any money off it. Yourgan and
Speaker 1: and call Her Daddy and all of these other multi
Speaker 1: billion dollar podcasts by this point, by the time they
Speaker 1: hear this, we will have done love it or leave it.
Speaker 2: It's so true.
Speaker 1: Should be fair for those listening since I'm going away
Speaker 1: and I'm on currently while you're listening to this The
Speaker 1: Jane Silent Bob Oral Sex Tour a U R A
Speaker 1: L s CTS. I've had to spell that so many
Speaker 1: times in radio interviews. That's so one TV interview wouldn't
Speaker 1: let me even say it. They're like, we can't name
Speaker 1: the tour. I was like, but your TV you can
Speaker 1: literally put the words on screen. They're like, we'll still
Speaker 1: get complained. WHOA. So we're on the Oral Sex Tour.
Speaker 1: So in advance of that, me and Harley had to
Speaker 1: record so that we didn't miss a week. So we're
Speaker 1: in the past. You're listening to this in the future.
Speaker 1: We don't even know what happened between now.
Speaker 2: We don't even know.
Speaker 1: I could be dead.
Speaker 2: Dead, it could be dead. Do not say that. Oh
Speaker 2: my god, I fucking hate that. Don't say that.
Speaker 1: It would be the highest listened to episode. He predicted
Speaker 1: his own demise.
Speaker 2: I hate I hate it. Just take it back? Can
Speaker 2: you take it back?
Speaker 1: In the odd department called when will I die?
Speaker 2: Can you say take about I take.
Speaker 1: That, can take it back. I don't want to die.
Speaker 1: Nobody wants to die less than me. Don't knock your head.
Speaker 1: What is that? What? Religion and faith? Is that?
Speaker 2: CD?
Speaker 1: So here's some departments.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm ready. I thought we already decided on the
Speaker 2: three departments.
Speaker 1: I've added more. Three.
Speaker 2: What do you got?
Speaker 1: I got vegan, amaur and passion ration. What's the third one?
Speaker 2: What music we're listening to?
Speaker 1: Oh? Do you have a name for that? No? Do you?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Well I named the other ones. I just needed a
Speaker 1: name for that one I forgot all right, so let's
Speaker 1: call it.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, bars, Oh so true. See why would
Speaker 2: I even take the time to try to come up
Speaker 2: with something like I have a new band name, but
Speaker 2: I don't want to say it just in case it's is.
Speaker 1: There a pen here right on your phone so I
Speaker 1: can see it? Okay, But we considered somebody should name
Speaker 1: their band bars. Where do you play in bars? The
Speaker 1: name is I'm not gonna say it out loud. Yeah,
Speaker 1: did you look that up?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And no, are you serious?
Speaker 2: Yeah? So our old name was Wench, which I loved somebody, yes,
Speaker 2: but out of respect, I mean, there's always going to
Speaker 2: be like many bands named a name. But there's like
Speaker 2: this young group of girls in like London, I think,
Speaker 2: or somewhere and they are Wench. Yeah, and they are Wench,
Speaker 2: and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna fucking.
Speaker 1: I respect that. We did a thing called Jane Silent
Speaker 1: Bob's Cartoon Lagoon, and then there was a YouTube show
Speaker 1: that had like it's not like it was incredibly well known,
Speaker 1: but they had some views called Cartoon Lagoon, and I
Speaker 1: saw that person get kind of upset. So I changed
Speaker 1: the name to Jay and Silent Bob's Substandard Cartoons because
Speaker 1: we were the old thing was up. We had a fake,
Speaker 1: shacky puppet. So I respect that. I respect if you
Speaker 1: didn't go like, well, fuck damn they're British wench. We're
Speaker 1: American America first. America Wench. Oh god, no, Wench is
Speaker 1: also pretty good.
Speaker 2: American wench is not bad. All right, Well, you want
Speaker 2: to see what the cover maybe is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let me see if it matches. The title American wench.
Speaker 1: American Wench means alphabetically your way up there right after.
Speaker 2: Abba, and we're basically the same.
Speaker 1: Kind of All right, now, let me remove that name
Speaker 1: and put American wench.
Speaker 2: I mean American wench, American winch. I just really fit.
Speaker 1: Look it up real quick. Make sure nobody's nobody's done
Speaker 1: American wench.
Speaker 2: And if anybody takes it after listening to this, they.
Speaker 1: Won't hear the show unless we want them to. We're
Speaker 1: not live the same caller daddy.
Speaker 2: Motherfucker, American wench.
Speaker 1: American wand stay away from me, I'm not.
Speaker 2: When you look up wench band, Yeah, the the other
Speaker 2: band does come up?
Speaker 1: Is there an American wench band?
Speaker 2: I'm not seeing American wench.
Speaker 1: Welcome to your new name. That because that photo, that photo,
Speaker 1: that image.
Speaker 2: The EP cover, that's that is so American. Maybe that
Speaker 2: that could be what it is called. Though the EP the.
Speaker 1: Name of the EP, the EP, and so name it
Speaker 1: the name you've got, but then just call it American lunch. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because all your songs are about like some bitchy American wench. Right, yeah,
Speaker 1: like I'm upset, I'm upset.
Speaker 2: Sounds like that's bad.
Speaker 1: Fucking said.
Speaker 2: That is about all of us.
Speaker 1: All I know.
Speaker 2: I've heard them anyways. All right, so what are your categories?
Speaker 1: Here? They go?
Speaker 2: Ready, I'm ready.
Speaker 1: So we start the show with some opening chatter, which
Speaker 1: we've just been doing. Then the first Department. I mean,
Speaker 1: we'll come up with the name for the opening chatter
Speaker 1: as well. Right now, it's just opening chatter, first Apartment, Harleywood.
Speaker 2: Oh, and what is this?
Speaker 1: It's I guess you.
Speaker 2: Me talking about the demise of my career.
Speaker 1: Well, I love about that, but I was just gonna say,
Speaker 1: what you're up to? You're in Hollywood? But ship that
Speaker 1: went dark fast?
Speaker 2: People like that talk about that.
Speaker 1: No, it's more like a hard what are you doing?
Speaker 1: Like you're going to see hard eyes? Yes, do me
Speaker 1: a favor. When you get there. There's gonna be some
Speaker 1: Sony Exact or somebody there from the movie. Right. She's
Speaker 1: in the movie. She is, She's the female lead that
Speaker 1: means like, there's definitely gonna be somebody of import there
Speaker 1: in the audience because it's at Sony and Sony's releasing it. Correct,
Speaker 1: if you need a marketing exec tell them that I'm
Speaker 1: prepared to put a quote on the poster for them.
Speaker 1: And the quote is this follows, I have a heart
Speaker 1: on for heart eyes.
Speaker 2: Oh, Kevin Smith, you know what, I'm sure they're going
Speaker 2: to take you up on that saying.
Speaker 1: I'm saying it's fire man, So throw it out there.
Speaker 2: It is Valentine's Day off two Wow.
Speaker 1: Yeah, wow, I've been holding on to that.
Speaker 2: You know what, I'm sure someone out there.
Speaker 1: I mean by delivering messages for your father to Sony
Speaker 1: executive who were like, who my dad? Kevin Smith? He
Speaker 1: was here twice. He directed Goldberg's episodes.
Speaker 2: He's the guy that I'm sure everybody knows about that
Speaker 2: ordered large amounts of chicken just for himself.
Speaker 1: The chickens sound fucking.
Speaker 3: Died.
Speaker 2: He actually lived almost did.
Speaker 1: Actually that's your fucking father, poor kid chicken salid guy.
Speaker 1: All right, So like that you're going tonight, You're going
Speaker 1: to see a thing hard eyes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I knew you'd remember.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Then what what are you doing in life? Yeah? Like,
Speaker 1: what are you doing tomorrow?
Speaker 2: Tomorrow we'll be back here recording more. We will be recording.
Speaker 1: Then what are you doing? And then so while they're
Speaker 1: listening to this show, it will have already happened in
Speaker 1: your world, but it hasn't happened yet. So that's your
Speaker 1: Harleywood for this week. What are you doing this week?
Speaker 1: Or what did you? What do you it happened? What
Speaker 1: did you do last weekend?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: Spooky this week?
Speaker 1: I haven't done it? But yes, what do you what?
Speaker 1: What did you do last weekend? Hard? Well?
Speaker 2: I went to something in the wave fest in Boston.
Speaker 1: It's called something in the Way fast like something in
Speaker 1: the Way.
Speaker 2: That's something in the Way.
Speaker 1: Oh that song that they song used in the Batman movie.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the name of that.
Speaker 1: Yeah so wait there are two something So that's rather
Speaker 1: ballsy to fucking include the lyrics something in the Way.
Speaker 1: When didn't the Beatles do that Something in the Way?
Speaker 1: Gamu and mean, I know.
Speaker 2: Yeah is that called something in the Way?
Speaker 1: Lose it now you know?
Speaker 4: Bam? Like you just looked up you're asking me, Well, no,
Speaker 4: I don't know, don't know.
Speaker 1: Boom boom, boom boom boom.
Speaker 2: It's something in the Way, right, it's called something.
Speaker 1: It's just called something. And the Nirvana song is called
Speaker 1: something in the Way or is it called something else?
Speaker 1: You're called heart Shaped Box? What is that song? It's
Speaker 1: something in the Way.
Speaker 2: Something in the way, Yes, something.
Speaker 1: That because they use it? Man, don't that is? That's
Speaker 1: a song that has like something wet fish, the fish
Speaker 1: doing good?
Speaker 2: Fee?
Speaker 1: Isn't it? How does it go?
Speaker 2: I like your what is that one?
Speaker 1: Wait?
Speaker 2: Sing a little more?
Speaker 1: We fish goose fish doing good? Something in the way
Speaker 1: we eat wait?
Speaker 2: Oh oh, yeah, that isn't this song?
Speaker 1: What is it?
Speaker 2: H It's okay to eat fish?
Speaker 1: It's so cut fish fish don't got no fee?
Speaker 2: Isn't that The lyrics so close Basically, it's okay to
Speaker 2: eat fish because they don't have any feelings feelings?
Speaker 1: What a weird lyric to include the song. I only
Speaker 1: know that lyric because I only heard that lyric. Like,
Speaker 1: did you ever see Jerry maguire? Yeah, At one point
Speaker 1: the guy is playing cush. What's his name, Jerry O'Connell,
Speaker 1: I think plays cush. This is cush football player that
Speaker 1: they're trying to sign. Keeps signing and Jerry loses him,
Speaker 1: the whole fucking loses everything. At one point, he's strumming
Speaker 1: on a guitar and he's like, it's so cute, eat Fish,
Speaker 1: And I thought it was just like a stereotype of
Speaker 1: a dumb jock who thinks he's smart singing a song
Speaker 1: or something like that, and then decades later, while I
Speaker 1: was fucking watching that Batman trailer, I was like, fish,
Speaker 1: not feelings. That's a fucking Cushlash song. He's like, I
Speaker 1: got Cushlash, And then I did a mini deep dive
Speaker 1: and realized he was singing Nirvana in that movie.
Speaker 2: It took you a few years occupied you know.
Speaker 1: I've been building an empire myself. Never mind Cameron Crew.
Speaker 2: This is the perfect transition.
Speaker 1: Into bars into bars. No, because we were doing you
Speaker 1: still got to tell him what you did.
Speaker 2: We we we stopped at the way fast.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we can't do this because you didn't do it yet.
Speaker 1: You're going to something in the way. It didn't happen yet,
Speaker 1: it's happened in the future. I feel like that's what
Speaker 1: I say to pull myself out of a fucking like trip.
Speaker 1: This didn't happen yet. It's happening in the future. This
Speaker 1: isn't happening yet. It's happening in the future.
Speaker 2: You can find me like that, curled up in the bathroom.
Speaker 1: A lot, as she's been saying for hours. That's happening
Speaker 1: in the future. That's happened opening in the future. All Right,
Speaker 1: you're going to the Something in the Way Fast, which
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with Nirvana or the Beatles.
Speaker 2: Is just named after Nirvana.
Speaker 1: So yes, who is playing at this fest?
Speaker 2: Man? I can pussy cannot wait.
Speaker 1: This wasn't Celsius. That would have totally done a spit.
Speaker 2: Taking and gouge away another band. I love another.
Speaker 1: One more thing?
Speaker 2: Oh, did you see the shirt?
Speaker 1: If you're watching, If you're watching the show, let's do
Speaker 1: a commercial for the show. Ready, all right, cool, Hey,
Speaker 1: it's me Harley Quinn Smith, and I've got a new
Speaker 1: shirt telling you into.
Speaker 2: The Camera's Harley Quinn Smith.
Speaker 1: I have a shoe. Give it. Give it a Kevin Smith.
Speaker 2: Kind of like, okay, kids, we have a shirt.
Speaker 1: Oh man, okay kids.
Speaker 2: This is me Harley Quinn Smith in awe abasher for
Speaker 2: you says I'm a tick lit mack.
Speaker 1: It looks like this.
Speaker 2: You can't even see it, they will.
Speaker 1: I just stood up, so I'm making I'm shooting ship here,
Speaker 1: I am fucking multitasking. I feel doing your Adobe show
Speaker 1: and I'm shooting a commercial for your shirt. This right now,
Speaker 1: it's your Adobe show. I gave you the floor to
Speaker 1: sell a shirt and you're like, that's how you told
Speaker 1: me to stay it just my impression of you. Take two, Okay,
Speaker 1: the pertinent information is where they can get like where,
Speaker 1: what's the address you know where you're sending people? No, yeah,
Speaker 1: bedless stickles me dot com.
Speaker 2: Oh oh yeah, okay, it's like hurting cats. I hate you.
Speaker 2: All right, hey kids, it is me Arley Quinn Smith,
Speaker 2: and we are selling shirts at beardless diglasme dot com.
Speaker 2: Shirts say I'm a dick lit so you can show
Speaker 2: off your beardless beardless dickleass me pride.
Speaker 1: I'm leaving that in available at beardless diicklasme dot com
Speaker 1: or at Harley Quinn's Instagram stories, which is Instagram.
Speaker 2: At Harley Quinn Smith.
Speaker 1: All right, Take three, not bad?
Speaker 2: Take three now, I think my impression of you is
Speaker 2: kind of good.
Speaker 1: Let's see it. I'm a concentrate you know what dropped
Speaker 1: the mic out of your face a little bit. Yeah
Speaker 1: there you go. Yeah, yeah, now they can see you
Speaker 1: got a fucking chin in the mouth.
Speaker 2: Hey kids, is me Givin Smith?
Speaker 1: But make it Harley Quinn and acting.
Speaker 2: Hey kids, is me Arley Quinn Smith? That's it? No,
Speaker 2: that's it.
Speaker 1: You gotta get them the information again. Yeah, I said take
Speaker 1: fucking three. Now I take six. You gotta do the
Speaker 1: whole thing. So, hey, kids, are the Quincemith and I.
Speaker 2: Got a break exhausting being.
Speaker 1: You tell me about it, So you give the give
Speaker 1: me a good thirty second run of all the information
Speaker 1: they need. I've already got the angle of me showing
Speaker 1: off the shirt, so my work here is done.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: And I also did a button if we have to.
Speaker 2: Know you're gonna use this on Instagram.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I'm not.
Speaker 2: Saying it like you.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying all right then do you right into
Speaker 1: the barrel though. That ain't gonna sell a fucking thing.
Speaker 1: They're gonna eat you live. Oh my god, the public's
Speaker 1: gonna eat your life. You're gonna wind up giving them
Speaker 1: all away for free. They're gonna make you pay them
Speaker 1: to take the shirt. You gotta come in with the
Speaker 1: thick cell man like take you. Hey man, aren't you
Speaker 1: tired of being naked? Well, why don't you wear a
Speaker 1: T shirt?
Speaker 3: There you go, I like that, There you go.
Speaker 1: Here try this one. Hey man, you got tits you
Speaker 1: want to keep covered by my T shirt? No, no,
Speaker 1: it's approach.
Speaker 2: I think I think we got it.
Speaker 1: I don't think we got ship. Go ahead down the barrel.
Speaker 2: Next category.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to sell your shirt. Hello, Holy crap, high
Speaker 1: I can't hear. You're not you. You're playing a character. Harley,
Speaker 1: different Harley. This Harley's a boy.
Speaker 2: Me existing as myself is impossible.
Speaker 1: This hardly. You're playing Harley as a boy who runs
Speaker 1: a T shirt company, and selling this shirt is all
Speaker 1: the difference between him eating and not eating. He's got
Speaker 1: to feed his fucking three kids and his wife just
Speaker 1: left him. There's your backstory. Now, inhabit that character. Bring
Speaker 1: it to life. Tell the lie, tell the truth.
Speaker 2: And Hi. I'm Harley Quinn Smith from Beardless Dickless Me,
Speaker 2: and I'm here to tell you that we have new
Speaker 2: shirts for the first time on Beardless dicklessme dot com.
Speaker 2: Look at that shirt. Look at it all right, I'm done.
Speaker 2: I hate I at this. I literally hate those.
Speaker 1: I'm a I'm a woman. I'm a woman entrepreneur. Can
Speaker 1: you help me build a business?
Speaker 2: How about you try this?
Speaker 1: Go fuck yourself, just try.
Speaker 2: I'll find a way.
Speaker 1: What is uh? Where is the music fest?
Speaker 2: It's Boston?
Speaker 1: So who's going? You and my.
Speaker 2: Best friend Olivia.
Speaker 1: And this is not Olivia from Hard Eyes.
Speaker 2: No that she is also one of my best friends.
Speaker 1: But she's another Olivia, but she is. If they're both
Speaker 1: in the same room, what do you do?
Speaker 2: It's pretty because.
Speaker 1: Olivia one and Olivia too? Or is it Olivia Holt
Speaker 1: and Olivia Maybank?
Speaker 2: Probably and Olivia and yeah, probably that probably Olivia and
Speaker 2: Olivia Holt.
Speaker 1: Because otherwise you're like Olivia and they both turn yes yes.
Speaker 2: Or I call I call Olivia may Bank. We call
Speaker 2: each other testicle testicle, yeah, beestical testicle?
Speaker 1: Why not chesticle?
Speaker 2: So then we call each other test test test. I
Speaker 2: call her test all the.
Speaker 1: Time, test test And what should call you?
Speaker 3: She's high test all right?
Speaker 1: So that's Harleywood.
Speaker 2: I hate section.
Speaker 1: Yeah, put up with And that's and that's my life
Speaker 1: this week. Hooray for Harleywood. Go ahead, that's how you
Speaker 1: get out of the segment.
Speaker 2: Oh my God, I feel like I'm trapped.
Speaker 1: You got it, And that's my life this week. Hooray
Speaker 1: for Harleywood.
Speaker 2: And that's my life this week. Hooray for Harley Wood.
Speaker 1: All right, man, Harleywood's done so. And now we move
Speaker 1: on to our next apartment, the Ours, the Austin Update.
Speaker 1: What's going on in.
Speaker 2: The world favorite category.
Speaker 1: What's going on in Puff's world?
Speaker 2: Let's see what's going on with Puff before we came.
Speaker 2: Before I got here, I don't.
Speaker 1: Want to hear anything about Puff coming all right.
Speaker 2: I just can't win here. I just can't win.
Speaker 1: Before you came over here, you and Puff went to
Speaker 1: lunch with Nan and Pop. Yes, thank god, I'm here
Speaker 1: to tell your stories for you. I'm the rest.
Speaker 2: I don't even have the space nor time I'm to
Speaker 2: say the words because you're talking all the time. Where
Speaker 2: did you go eat after by Tellos?
Speaker 1: Is it vy Tellos or Vitellos?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Did they ever say when you come in?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: It would never occur to me say bye Tellos?
Speaker 2: Yeah, all right, either way, that's where I was.
Speaker 1: How was it?
Speaker 2: It was very good at a vegan chicken parmesan.
Speaker 1: You ate with Nan and Pop and uh, Austin in
Speaker 1: the Austin Update.
Speaker 2: Yes, this is Austin's update. We went to lunch?
Speaker 1: Did he do my grandparents? Funny? Is he working on
Speaker 1: a commercial?
Speaker 2: He is in three commercials right now?
Speaker 1: What that's the Austin Update. Never mind like we went
Speaker 1: to lunch with it and Pop. That's Harleywood bullshit. The
Speaker 1: Austin Update is what's going on in the fucking see
Speaker 1: to the fucking edgy or sea breakneck world of Austin zazure.
Speaker 1: Just watch trying to sell off? All right? So what
Speaker 1: three commercials are you allowed to say?
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's another one coming.
Speaker 1: What there's a for to talk about? Okay, when you
Speaker 1: say Austin commercial, do you mean the Captain America one?
Speaker 2: Yes, that's one of them.
Speaker 1: Austin is currently in a commercial for Tide that is
Speaker 1: connected themed to Captain America to or Captain America, not
Speaker 1: to Captain America.
Speaker 2: What's it called again?
Speaker 1: Used to be fucking first Brave New World. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: it was called something else New World or New World
Speaker 1: Order or something like that. Now it's called Brave New World,
Speaker 1: Captain America, Brave Captain America versus Red Hulk all right, wuckie,
Speaker 1: enough pitching. So he's in that, which is a cute
Speaker 1: commercial where they show like scenes in the movie where
Speaker 1: it like fucking Red Hulk throws a bus at Captain
Speaker 1: America and Captain America's wings split the bus and then
Speaker 1: like that bus rolls into the shot later on, like
Speaker 1: where Austin and other people are, and Austin's like covered
Speaker 1: in ship from like some explosion or whatever, and he's like, hi,
Speaker 1: he's real good in the spot, and the idea is like,
Speaker 1: what do you do for this? And like, oh, Tiede,
Speaker 1: you know, if you're gonna live in this world Tide,
Speaker 1: I'll get your best buddy and shit. And then the
Speaker 1: bus rolls by the button, very cute spot, and Austin
Speaker 1: finally making some of that Marvel money.
Speaker 2: He's well hoping.
Speaker 1: They spin his character off into his own fucking Disney
Speaker 1: Plus series.
Speaker 2: We can only hope tied guy.
Speaker 1: All right, So that's one commercial. What are the other ones?
Speaker 2: Then there's CarMax a CarMax, Yes, he's in a Carmack spot,
Speaker 2: and then he's in a Charles Schwab spot.
Speaker 1: Schwab spot. M hm. Those exist, right, you can watch
Speaker 1: those now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, those exist, and then there's another one coming soon,
Speaker 2: which he's you're not allowed to say, but I may
Speaker 2: not say.
Speaker 1: High profile is internet only spot or television.
Speaker 2: It is television. That's what money is, television and internet.
Speaker 1: Actually, you have my permission to marry this rich young
Speaker 1: man with all his commercial well, let's not be crazy.
Speaker 1: He better put a ring on it. With all that
Speaker 1: commercial money. Boy, that's how does he feel about commercial work?
Speaker 1: I mean fucking rocks.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's so good at he's so good at them.
Speaker 1: He's just he does he does like a real like
Speaker 1: fucking like.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Like he's got a cute little face.
Speaker 1: Boy next door is kind of quality.
Speaker 2: Those dimples everybody wants them to sell their sell their products.
Speaker 1: He does have dimples, like natural dimples. What if they
Speaker 1: were like, oh my god, with them dimples, you look
Speaker 1: like a Campbell's kid, because campbell Soup kids they used
Speaker 1: to have, like that was their fucking corporate mascots, these
Speaker 1: little kids and ship. They got rid of that ship,
Speaker 1: right because just like McDonald's got rid of Ronald McDonald.
Speaker 1: You can't fucking find ron McDonald, man.
Speaker 2: He's gone, you can't.
Speaker 1: That's a good point, Like Grimas, Ron McDonald, Mary mccheese, Hamburglar.
Speaker 1: All these motherfuckers are gone. You walking Anny McDonald's today,
Speaker 1: they're like, huh oh no, they're all like Peter after
Speaker 1: Christ got arrested and shit like that. They're like Jesus,
Speaker 1: who I've never met the guy. Then you hear cock crow.
Speaker 1: They're just gone, man McDonald's like, I don't know nothing
Speaker 1: about No Ronald.
Speaker 2: Ronald McDonald was a scary guy.
Speaker 1: No, he wasn't. He sold this food for years, not
Speaker 1: you general. I meant good times. You would do this
Speaker 1: and an m would appear.
Speaker 2: It's so true, but he was. He was kind of scary.
Speaker 1: No way, no way, All those characters, they were like
Speaker 1: brothers and sisters. Growing up. I spent so much time
Speaker 1: watching television, and they were there for me between each
Speaker 1: fucking you know, during each ad, to stop me from
Speaker 1: getting bored and make me hungry for French fries and
Speaker 1: a burger.
Speaker 2: My brother Ronald, my sister Grimace.
Speaker 1: My uncle the burger, and my bitch cousin Wenday. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, my friends are getting drunk. He ind tonight,
Speaker 1: fucking Wenday, Wendy. That's imagine, all right. So let's go
Speaker 1: back to the Campbell soup. So they decide to bring
Speaker 1: the Campbell Soup kids out of moth balls. They're like,
Speaker 1: hey man, this sucking old campaign. Let's let's do the
Speaker 1: Campbell Soup kids again. That'd be fun. And they want
Speaker 1: Austin to be the Campbell Soup kid. M living embodiments
Speaker 1: of it m hm. So he becomes a living cartoon.
Speaker 1: But he's gonna make that flow from progressive money and
Speaker 1: they're gonna be that many commercials. He he will be
Speaker 1: forever identified as the Campbell Soup kid, even even I
Speaker 1: mean Austin, howel's Austin like forty two? How old is Austin?
Speaker 2: He's twenty nine?
Speaker 1: Okay, so you know, maybe he's like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to play a kid forever, but fucking the money's good.
Speaker 2: Oh he's playing a.
Speaker 1: Kid, Yeah, a camp the Campbell Soup kid.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Which in advertising this is like playing Hamlet. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's like playing Rosenkrantz in Hamlet. This ain't like playing media.
Speaker 1: Maybe like playing Tyler Perry's media.
Speaker 2: I can't believe that often.
Speaker 1: He's going to be a Campbell suit kid. Number one,
Speaker 1: does Austin go for this. Yeah he would no, but
Speaker 1: I mean you're committed. They make him sign up for
Speaker 1: like five years in advance, like your can't. You can't
Speaker 1: you're exclusive, can't do feature work or anything like that.
Speaker 1: You're just camera suit kit. Now you're gonna make fucking
Speaker 1: crazy money, crazy good money, not not like insane money.
Speaker 1: I'm not like this isn't some like Harlely Thetical. That's
Speaker 1: the new department we're in right now. So he segued
Speaker 1: from fucking that was a transition right into the Harleytical. Okay,
Speaker 1: he's got to be the Camel Soup Kid for five years,
Speaker 1: and he's very the character is very infantilized. He wears
Speaker 1: a diaper in the ad. Oh god, he's got souper,
Speaker 1: and his catchphrase is just like yum yum good. But
Speaker 1: he's got to say it like a baby Campbell soupy
Speaker 1: yum yum good. So everyone who sees him in public
Speaker 1: like camel soup yum yum good. Stuff like that.
Speaker 2: But he's not making like wait, he's not playing a kid.
Speaker 2: He's playing a baby.
Speaker 1: Soup kids were like babies who could walk and talk,
Speaker 1: you know, kind of like the rug Rats. He's playing
Speaker 1: the walk and talk. So he's playing yeah a baby,
Speaker 1: he wears a diaper, he's bare chest and ship. But
Speaker 1: it's the dimples everyone cares.
Speaker 2: About, of course.
Speaker 1: And he's got like you know usually because it's Campbell soup.
Speaker 1: He's got like tomato soup on him and ship I hate,
Speaker 1: and he wears it upside down. Super Bowl so, oh
Speaker 1: my god. But he's gonna make great money.
Speaker 2: Very much and is it worth his dignity?
Speaker 1: Or he's gonna make five times whatever he made his
Speaker 1: highest thus far on a commercial.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think he would take you up on this?
Speaker 1: Are you serious? He'd be the Campbell soup kid. It's
Speaker 1: consistent work.
Speaker 2: I understand it.
Speaker 1: I think six spots a year.
Speaker 2: I think he would be committing, committed to finding let
Speaker 2: me tell you something right now, something else.
Speaker 1: I would sit him the fuck down. I'd be like,
Speaker 1: if you want to marry my fucking daughter, you signed
Speaker 1: that contract paper on. Yeah, you wear that typer you are. Look,
Speaker 1: that's what we call you behind your back already the
Speaker 1: Campbell soup baby baby yum yum, a baby fucking yum yum.
Speaker 1: So get to work. Look, I let this fucking go
Speaker 1: for a long time. I said, she loves him. Whatever. Fuck,
Speaker 1: but now it's time to grow up.
Speaker 2: It's time to time to get down.
Speaker 1: To brass tacks man, it's time to fucking get in
Speaker 1: the soup.
Speaker 2: Literally quite literally, put the bowl on your head.
Speaker 1: Put that fucking ball in your head if you want
Speaker 1: to marry my daughter.
Speaker 2: M Yeah, it's a good opportunity.
Speaker 1: Amount what he got paid the highest commercial that wouldn't.
Speaker 2: Do it for him five times, I think, so not
Speaker 2: to wear it.
Speaker 1: Tell me what he made so that I could fucking
Speaker 1: do the math in my head and we'll write it
Speaker 1: on your phone. You could just show me.
Speaker 2: I don't know the fucking number, but the number diaper
Speaker 2: tell you something in being baby yum yums.
Speaker 1: Well, but I mean, you know whatever he got paid
Speaker 1: the most to do a spot in real life.
Speaker 2: I don't know the exact number.
Speaker 1: No, he keeps that from you.
Speaker 2: Well, it's also different, it's not it's not like at night.
Speaker 1: You're trying to like sleeping a new listen, because he
Speaker 1: talks to his sleep, and that's how you find out information.
Speaker 1: Paint twenty grand be in that spot and you're like this,
Speaker 1: I got the information sleeping.
Speaker 2: You make money, you don't really make that much money
Speaker 2: when you film it.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm saying they're paying up front and also he's
Speaker 1: going to make residuals and they're offering five hundred thousand
Speaker 1: dollars a spot.
Speaker 2: Five hundred thousand dollars a spot. Yeah, so five six
Speaker 2: spots a year or five?
Speaker 3: Okay?
Speaker 2: So three million dollars a year.
Speaker 1: Yes, bro, he's the flow from Progressive. Let me she's
Speaker 1: going down.
Speaker 2: Let me talk.
Speaker 1: She's making hawk to of money flow from Progressive. She's
Speaker 1: doing it.
Speaker 2: Hey, so did talk to him?
Speaker 1: Hey? Hey, no, we don't know that. So this little
Speaker 1: bug is the little bugs back three. You'll be like,
Speaker 1: so three million dollars a year to be the Campbell
Speaker 1: soup kid, I'll ask him, No, this is about you.
Speaker 1: Do you fuck him? Oh my god, no, not fucking,
Speaker 1: but do you I mean guess kind of do you
Speaker 1: fuck him? Are you okay with that? Or If he's like, look,
Speaker 1: I gotta be the Campbell Sooop kid for that kind
Speaker 1: of money, and you're like, I want you to pay
Speaker 1: John pract here, I'd probably would you be ashamed of
Speaker 1: him as the Campbell soup kid?
Speaker 2: I'd be a little embarrassed.
Speaker 1: Are you serious?
Speaker 2: If my grown ass boyfriend was on TV wearing a
Speaker 2: diaper with a bowl on his head, with soup on
Speaker 2: his chest.
Speaker 1: Making millions. That's the part you're leaving out.
Speaker 2: If my twenty nine year old boyfriend was playing an
Speaker 2: infant onto I.
Speaker 1: Mean, fucking Jim Carrey made a vast fortune doing like
Speaker 1: making his butt talk. You have a point, yeah, don't
Speaker 1: be Look, take a page out of your hater's book.
Speaker 1: Don't be so judgy.
Speaker 2: You're right.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something right now? What never mind?
Speaker 1: Like with that kind of money, you can fucking chase
Speaker 1: your dreams independantly, Like, do whatever you want. That's fuck
Speaker 1: you money, Campbell's fuck you.
Speaker 2: But you signed this. You signed something saying you can't
Speaker 2: do anything else.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he can't be in movies and ship like, but
Speaker 1: you can make independent films your finances.
Speaker 2: Oh well, you didn't say that.
Speaker 1: Well how about you said he's calling down that Campbell's
Speaker 1: money and he invests in your fucking film? How about that?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 2: Well fucking great.
Speaker 1: It's hardlythedical. All right, So wait, are you into this
Speaker 1: or not? Never mind him? Do you there? They come
Speaker 1: to you and no, like we want you. He's already
Speaker 1: said yes, I said. After a year's success, They're like,
Speaker 1: we got to add a girl.
Speaker 2: But I say no, it's a huge it's a huge
Speaker 2: note for me.
Speaker 1: Three million dollars a year. It's a no, three million
Speaker 1: dollars a year.
Speaker 2: To wear a diaper and be an infant.
Speaker 1: For six fucking TV spots, Yes.
Speaker 2: Six spots that play so many times a day.
Speaker 1: So much so when people see you they're like, oh, yum, yum,
Speaker 1: yum or whatever it is. No, no, really, no, let
Speaker 1: me tell you send him my way.
Speaker 2: I happily fucking will.
Speaker 1: I'm taking that kind of money to be like, yum,
Speaker 1: I'm good. I'll fucking suck my own tip for that
Speaker 1: kind of money on TV.
Speaker 2: I'm glad to know him.
Speaker 1: Who fucking like raised you with dignity? Where that come from?
Speaker 2: Not you telling you fucking this guy?
Speaker 1: Truly? God damn it. All right, Well there's your Now
Speaker 1: we're on to the next apartment, bars, bars, What are
Speaker 1: you listening to?
Speaker 2: I let me see, let me looka.
Speaker 1: Really it came to life now. Could have used that
Speaker 1: back on the whole Campbell soup thing.
Speaker 2: I love talking about. Fair enough, Well, of course I've
Speaker 2: been listening to dough Chi's album.
Speaker 1: How about your playing? Can we get a little taste
Speaker 1: of your music?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: Why because it's coming soon?
Speaker 1: Yeah, but just a taste? No, Like, we can't hear
Speaker 1: the opening bars of a thing. That's how you wet
Speaker 1: the audience's appetite. Wait, you think fucking like it's out
Speaker 1: and spoil sales. That's how you get people. Maybe get
Speaker 1: Look who else is gonna be buying the music first?
Speaker 1: Except that people listen to the show. So I say,
Speaker 1: I say, a little taste.
Speaker 2: You know, I can literally be three today?
Speaker 1: Is that right?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: I think, I think, I think? What you it's okay
Speaker 1: to eat fish fishing up bucket. Oh that's a good
Speaker 1: taste right there?
Speaker 2: There you go, there it is all right?
Speaker 1: Was that so fucking hard? You know you're acting like
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, show, little titty, we got to sell
Speaker 1: the show. I'm like, just playing a few bars of
Speaker 1: your song and very appropriate because the department was called bars.
Speaker 1: When can they hear this music? What is going on
Speaker 1: with the music?
Speaker 2: Our first song is going to come out on Valentine's Day?
Speaker 1: Is that right?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: So wait this is I gotta look at the calendar
Speaker 1: to see where we are in time?
Speaker 2: Today is January twenty nine.
Speaker 1: Remember they're listening.
Speaker 2: In the future.
Speaker 1: Oh of course, so Thursday to listening to the show
Speaker 1: we already just put up, so they would this would
Speaker 1: be February sixth, So when does it come out?
Speaker 2: February?
Speaker 1: So in a week, in a week, your your record's
Speaker 1: going to drop? Is it record or album? What do
Speaker 1: you call it?
Speaker 2: An EP?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 2: No, our first single is going to come out a single?
Speaker 2: Is a single? Yes? Off of the EP was.
Speaker 1: A song called you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2: Yet it's called Star Is it you?
Speaker 1: We're finally getting some scoops around here. Star that's the
Speaker 1: name of the song. Star drops February fourteenth, Kids, Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1: You're gonna fall in love with this brand new music
Speaker 1: from the band American Winch. That's the name of the album.
Speaker 2: Maybe after today it maybe you can go.
Speaker 1: Back to your boys and be like, because it isn't
Speaker 1: like two boys.
Speaker 3: In the band?
Speaker 2: Yeah, like.
Speaker 1: What about us? What about them? Like we're not wenches?
Speaker 2: Is more like Wench doesn't have to be a woman.
Speaker 2: Right in my eyes, a Winch.
Speaker 1: O your eyes in my definition.
Speaker 2: My eyes the way I was viewing when I knew.
Speaker 1: With the English language kids, butch.
Speaker 2: Meant something else to me, still means and.
Speaker 1: A look fair enough man, a world war. Bitch has
Speaker 1: come to me in a lot of things other than
Speaker 1: female dog, and it's used between dudes, go bitch, you know,
Speaker 1: to each other. I think you're fine to be to
Speaker 1: make wench, what do they call that? Omni gender versal?
Speaker 1: No ah? No, what would be wench? Universal? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Universal lunch.
Speaker 1: Well, well, well, keep an American because look, America is
Speaker 1: still a good brand.
Speaker 2: Picks your hair.
Speaker 1: Really finally, fuck makes me so proud? All right, man,
Speaker 1: So Harley's uh first single drops in a week. Get ready,
Speaker 1: everybody shop fast and ship like that like a high
Speaker 1: holy day. And then uh, vegan mabbatoire van abbatoi. Vegan
Speaker 1: Abbatoire is where we get vegan recommendations. Here's mine, juicy marbles.
Speaker 1: Oh you they make a fake little that is to
Speaker 1: die for. That is the end. Passion Okay, got one
Speaker 1: passion and ration not one thing that is passion or ration.
Speaker 2: I have a ration. I've been a I don't know
Speaker 2: if you can tell from the podcast, but I've been
Speaker 2: feeling all down on myself lately. All right, Yeah, I've
Speaker 2: been feeling pretty I.
Speaker 1: Listened to the podcast. I didn't pick that up at all.
Speaker 2: All right, Well, maybe not again.
Speaker 1: I tend to listen to the Kevin Smith's side of things.
Speaker 1: He's very okay. Maybe that's why I couldn't listen last
Speaker 1: week though, because I couldn't take my eyes of his
Speaker 1: fucking stupid hair sticking out of his hat.
Speaker 2: You done?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: All right?
Speaker 1: So what's the point.
Speaker 2: I'd like to to ration being self deprecating?
Speaker 1: Really? Yeah? Well, self deprecating, yeah, I guess that's right.
Speaker 1: I trade in self deprecating humor. Yeah, but you're not
Speaker 1: talking about like being You're just being self deplicated.
Speaker 2: Basically. Yeah. I would just like a little less of that.
Speaker 2: If I can.
Speaker 1: You gotta think positive, then.
Speaker 2: I'd like to strive to strive for that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I like that. Here. First step to that saying
Speaker 1: yes to that Campbell Soup gig.
Speaker 2: I think that would put me in a very rough spot.
Speaker 1: Think about it.
Speaker 2: It's my identity.
Speaker 1: You could as an actor be the Campbell Soup baby
Speaker 1: girl baby, and the two of you are together.
Speaker 2: And you want to do it.
Speaker 1: They cover you in all the trades. They're like the
Speaker 1: Campbell Soup babies. Are married in real life. How sweet
Speaker 1: is that?
Speaker 2: What about a fan?
Speaker 1: It becomes so fucking popular that you guys get a
Speaker 1: variety show, the Campbell Soup Baby's Hour.
Speaker 2: How about you and Austin do it?
Speaker 1: They don't want me, I'm old. They want you. They
Speaker 1: need a girl and a boy.
Speaker 2: They asked for you.
Speaker 1: They need a girl and a boy. No, this isn't
Speaker 1: your don't try to hijack my story. They need a
Speaker 1: girl and a boy, and they want him young. They
Speaker 1: don't want me.
Speaker 2: I told you my answer. I told you my answer.
Speaker 1: It's no, just saying that happiness is.
Speaker 2: Happiness is three million dollars a year.
Speaker 1: That's happiness.
Speaker 2: Happiness is to make it work because I can't play
Speaker 2: an infant as a twenty five year old.
Speaker 1: I just think that even in a hypothetical world, it's
Speaker 1: worrying when you're like no, because I.
Speaker 2: I how the fuck is not even a legitimate ask?
Speaker 2: What do you mean for me to play? The fucking
Speaker 2: you are?
Speaker 1: The flow from Progressive for Campbell's.
Speaker 2: So I'm in a diaper on TV?
Speaker 1: Yes, play an adult baby playing, not an adult baby
Speaker 1: A Campbell soup kid, No classic beloved camp Soup Kids.
Speaker 1: My grandmother. Oh my god, my great granddaughter grows up
Speaker 1: to be one of the Campbell soup kids. That's amazing.
Speaker 1: I never saw that.
Speaker 2: This is why people hate me, because you put me
Speaker 2: in these fucking hypotheticals and then I sound like an
Speaker 2: ass because I don't want to fucking do something humiliating
Speaker 2: for three million dollars.
Speaker 1: It's just weird to me because I will, and.
Speaker 2: Then people hate me. You just start setting me up
Speaker 2: to get hated on every fucking time, and I'm fucking
Speaker 2: tired of it. That's my ration.
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm setting up breezy layups and you're like, nah, yeah,
Speaker 1: my dignity is more important than money, And I'm like,
Speaker 1: what you are talking to? Silent Bob, still wearing the
Speaker 1: same app for thirty years. All right, well there's your ration, kids.
Speaker 2: My rasian is these fucking hypothetical hypotheticals that make me
Speaker 2: look like an asshole.
Speaker 1: Do you know what my passion is? What the hypothetic hype? Asshole?
Speaker 1: They're not meant to make it look like an asshole.
Speaker 1: It's t ball. It's me putting the ball on the
Speaker 1: thing so you can easily hit it. Instead, you take
Speaker 1: the bat to your.
Speaker 2: Own foot, because your thing.
Speaker 1: Because you don't because you don't understand that it's all
Speaker 1: made up. Who gives a ship? Just fucking go along.
Speaker 2: With it, all right?
Speaker 1: Sure?
Speaker 2: Whatever fucking and that's all the departments. That's it.
Speaker 1: I can't listen to the end of our show. Do
Speaker 1: you have a good time? No, that's how we do it.
Speaker 1: Here a beardless dickless meat kids, that's beardless tickless meter
Speaker 1: this week.
Speaker 2: I hope you enjoyed.
Speaker 1: I had a great time.
Speaker 2: I just I'm not confident of a person enough to
Speaker 2: put myself at the butt of every joke, either of mine.
Speaker 1: But for money, that makes a big difference. If it
Speaker 1: was free, if the Campbells people were coming at you
Speaker 1: been can you do it? Other counts, you're right, I'm
Speaker 1: right next to you, go fuck yourselves. But if they're like,
Speaker 1: here's a fat three million dollars.
Speaker 2: For three million dollars, sure I will be the Campbells
Speaker 2: wue baby in a diaper. Seriously, if it makes you
Speaker 2: happy and proud, it.
Speaker 1: Makes me happy and proud. Plus you'll be three million
Speaker 1: dollars a year richer. That makes me happy and proud too.
Speaker 1: So you're in. I can have you sign the contract. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: problem is it's not vegan soup. Mephisto strikes again.
Speaker 2: I literally have no words.
Speaker 1: There's your vegan abatua for this week, vegan abit that's right,
Speaker 1: we left began abatue. There's beardless this week. Yeah, we've
Speaker 1: exited the began app twelve and we've re entered beardless
Speaker 1: stickless mate, just in time to say goodbye. Do you
Speaker 1: have a good time, kids? It's even funnier when you
Speaker 1: watch it at that Kevinsmith club dot com. Man Plus,
Speaker 1: we get paid.
Speaker 2: So true.
Speaker 1: For beardless stickless, ma'am Kevin Smith. Yourselves, a beardless dickless day,
Speaker 1: a little dicklets. This has been a podcast production, this
Speaker 1: podcast podcast, using our mouths on you since two thousand
Speaker 1: and seven. Hey kids, did you like what you just heard? Well,
Speaker 1: guess what. We've got tons more, man thousands of hours
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Speaker 1: Go sign up now.