Well, hello all you beautiful people.
You know what time it is.
Ladies and gents, guys and dolls and
everyone in between.
Gather around. Get you something real
nice to sip on and comfy to slip on.
Cuz it's time for Smite Club. Here's
your hosts, Chelsea and Hannah.
[Music]
[Laughter]
Hey everybody and welcome to Smuck Club.
I'm Hannah. And I'm Chelsea. And we are
joined today by one of our favorite
guest hosts, Mr. Weston Slayton. Hello.
Thanks for having me back. I'm so
excited.
We love that you came back after uh
Elements of Mischief was your
introduction to smut.
Listen, we dove hard.
We did.
Yeah. Deep in. I was like, "Okay, if you
want to be introduced, here's five
dragon shifters
that are also plumbers."
Still one of my top five favorite text
messages of all time. Chelsea's like,
"Hey, we can give you this one or if you
want to go hard.
What about this?" I was like, "Yeah,
let's Here we go."
Yeah.
Deep in no floaties. go and it worked.
It was great.
Well, hopefully today also lives up to
the expectations that Elements of
Mischief lived up to for you. Thank you
for joining us. We are very glad to have
you back.
Thanks.
So, Weston and I have both read today's
book. Um Hannah is just going to be
along for the journey. I don't think
you've read this one. Tell me if I'm
wrong, but today's book is Pounded by
Produce by GM Ferry.
I can't say I have
There's so many stories being told
behind that face right now.
Also, I was talking to a coworker.
It's both fear and anticipation.
I was talking to a co-orker earlier this
week and I went, "Yeah, we're we're
going to review Pounded by Produce on
the podcast." She goes, "Oh my gosh, I
read that one." I went, "Really?" And
she goes, "No way. I read Bagged by the
Groceries,
unrelated."
And I was truly different author.
different author but real.
But real good that it's real.
I'm like, is this a Chuck Tingle? Like I
Okay.
Okay. We're not full Chuck Tingle.
Okay.
Oh, spiritually we're not far from Chuck
Tingle.
Are we like Vera Valentine? Like
unhinged?
Not quite. We're just going to jump into
it. Okay.
We're going to probably stop trying to
temper expectations and just choose. you
know, is pounded by produce. Anything
from there is really
feel like I'm going to make this face a
lot if you're doing it right.
A frown.
That's right.
A little bit of disgust. Like frowned,
lime confusion.
Oh, confusion.
So, we open with Emily.
Um, Emily has recently escaped an
abusive relationship.
Okay. not physically abusive, but very
like emotionally, verbally, um,
financially abusive. He really isolated
her. She wasn't allowed to work,
just all that sort of stuff. So,
okay,
she has now made it out of this, uh,
long-term abusive relationship and is
trying to start over, trying to find a
job. She really doesn't have a ton of
skills and is like, I just want to like
cook and be in the garden and like I'm
looking for a quiet, simple life. I'm
not trying to rage. Mhm.
Mhm.
She happens to find a listing for a uh
live-in parish cook.
Okay.
Um it is a remote rural
parish. It is for St. Mary's Catholic
Church.
I was going to say parish usually
indicates church unless you're in
Louisiana. So I'm imagining that it's
church related. That's right. Yeah.
What is it in Louisiana? That's like
their county is a parish.
Yeah.
I really learned something new today.
Hey Wow.
End of episode. Thanks for being here,
guys.
Right. We set out. We accomplished
everything we set out to do today.
That was it. Hannah has no context for
this book, but Chelsea learned
something. Thanks for being here.
Okay. So, we have Emily and there are
two other characters. We will get all
three perspectives. The next character
is Robert and he's one of the priests at
St. Mary's. Um, he's in the garden
gathering produce for dinner.
their last parish cook fell in love and
like moved to France or something and so
they've been having to make their own
meals.
Where's her book?
It's a different one probably.
Sorry.
Or it needs to be written. There's an
opportunity.
The rest is still unwritten
to take notes.
So the rain on your skin.
As Robert is out, we know we're just
going to call Robert Bob. As Bob's out
in the garden, Laurent runs out. He's
the other priest for St. Mary's Catholic
Church. Um, and he runs out and is like,
"Bob, have you seen my hairbrush?" And
he hasn't.
What? What's your face, Hannah?
Veggie Tails.
Mhm.
Maybe.
Bob the tomato. Larry the cucumber.
Oh my god.
So, uh, for the listener at home, Yeah.
Hannah may have just realized this is
veggie tail smut.
The worst part of this is all it took
was Bob, have you seen my hair brush?
Yeah, it was out the gate. It was in
chapter two.
Oh my god. Okay. All right. Okay.
So, you know what? We're just going to
call Laurent Larry
for our purposes.
Yeah. That is also how I outlined. Just
Bob and Larry.
At one point, I'm like, B and L are
doing this.
Yep.
Uh-huh. Mhm. You're like, now that I
understand where we're at,
I can I can lock in accordingly. Do you
like to buck with tomatoes?
If a squash can make you come,
have we got a smut book for you? Okay.
Sorry. I had to get that one out the
way.
Oh, I'm sweating.
So, there's there's definitely some
underlying tension between Bob and
Larry.
Sexual or otherwise?
Very sexual. very sexual.
Nice.
Very sexual.
They've uh been friends and known each
other since seminary. They were
roommates in seminary.
15 year history.
Are we talking like historians say they
were roommates or were they like
actually roommates?
Yes.
And they were actually roommates.
They were actually roommates. Okay. And
there there's definitely reference to
like a couple of times where they were
both mutually masturbating and like
making eye contact like in their
separate twin beds and like no one made
it weird. You know,
we're just never going to talk about it.
It'll be all right,
right?
We're just going to jack off at the
thought of each other,
but never say those words to each other.
That's got it.
Mhm.
So Bob is like, "Let's pray this new
cook is good because I'm not a great
cook and I just want to get back to
writing sermons." And
Larry's like, "Oh, ye of little faith.
She's going to be a great cook. My God
is bigger than the boogeyman.
God is bigger than the boogeyman. He's
bigger than Godzilla's or the monsters
on TV." Honestly,
it's going to be an excruciatingly niche
episode.
Oh, full stop.
And certain recovering evangelicals are
going to go so hard they're going to
listen to it like eight times and
everybody else is going to be like,
"What the [ __ ] are these women singing
right now?"
Shout out to GM Ferry because like I'm
pretty sure the dedication in this book
is to those with religious trauma.
100%.
On that note, read this book on Kindle.
Mhm.
I can only imagine somebody reading this
with no context for what Veggie Tales is
and wondering why the hell 107 people
have highlighted a passage about a
cucumber
or a hairbrush.
Like why the hairbrush?
I don't understand.
God is bigger than the boogeyman. Okay,
that's a weird line. Anyway, back to the
[ __ ]
Woo!
Mhm.
Yeah. Made for kids with religious
trauma.
1,000%.
So, back to Emily. She has now arrived
at the parish. Um, she's not very
religious and feels a little anxious
about this. And so, she meets Gail,
who's like the church administrator. Um,
and Emily's like, "This place is so
beautiful." And Gail goes, "Yes, God's
splendor truly does dwell in this
place." And Emily just goes, "Praise
be."
Did you do research on who Gail is?
No,
it's I can't remember her last name, but
Gail was like one of the prominent voice
actresses on Veggie Tales.
Nice little homage.
That is a nice little homage.
I know, right? I was like, Gail, that's
too specific. That's deep. Google, there
she was. She's like a
in my head I thought Gail made complete
sense for being the name of a church
parish administrator.
Accurate as well.
And I like that you're like Gail. I
should look into that. And I went Gail
that track.
I'm waiting for Barbara as in Barbara
Manatee to make an appearance.
Um I wish we got like a Laura the Carrot
at some point. We don't. Um so just book
two. Book two.
The sequel.
But the funniest part is also like when
Emily's like, "Praise be." Gail looks at
her and is like, "So, is that your first
time saying this
and she's like, "Was it that obvious?"
And G's like, "It's not it's not that
deep. We're very relaxed here." Like,
the girl's like, "Oh, thank God." And
she's like, "Yes, that's the energy."
Like, so very chill. But then as Gail is
giving her the tour, she introduces her
to Bob and Larry. And Emily's
immediately like, "What the [ __ ] is this
romcom? These priests are so hot."
Like,
very meta. Like, what is this? Some smut
book?
Yes.
Direct quote. Yeah.
Incredible.
So, that night, Emily has a sex dream.
Um, she dreams that she is praying in
the chapel and just kind of accepting
this new life and kind of like, I don't
really know what you have for me, but
kind of figuring it out. and you know it
would be cooler if I not a nun cuz I I
do like sex but like I'm open to the
other things that you have to offer. And
then suddenly she hears a voice that's
the priest being like we can help with
that.
And they're like taking off her clothes
and she takes off Larry's pants and then
takes out his dick and it's a cucumber
and she's like that should weird me out
but it isn't. And Jess is like I want to
slob on that knob. Um, and then she like
wakes up from the dream
unfortunately
of Yes. of Larry's cucumber dick.
I was very excited for the story line of
the cucumber dick.
I honestly was wondering if that's how
because I knew going into it that it was
Veggie Tail smut, but I had no idea how
that would present at any point. So I
was like, "Oh, is this how we're going?"
And so I'm like, "Okay, so Larry has a
cucumber penis, so that means Bob has a
tomato penis." or just like massive
tomato balls.
I had that thought, too. I was like,
it's his balls, but then a normal dick
with tomato balls. Like, so as the book
continued, I went, "Oh, I I should have
just let GM Fairy She You know, GM Ferry
did write it. I didn't need to make it
up in my head."
She did. All my notes were like, "Oh my
gosh." Yeah. Oh, it was a dream.
It was a dream.
Yeah.
Weston is like, "I feel the quitus
vegetableist interrupt us."
[Laughter]
Okay, that Yep. Mhm.
Emily wakes up from the stream and, you
know, decides she needs a little
midnight snack and is like, I'll go chop
up a cucumber in the kitchen and have a
little have a little treat. When she
gets to the kitchen, she does find Larry
there having a midnight bowl of cereal,
and she's so flustered. She's like, "Oh,
enjoy your bowl. It's fine. I'll wait to
eat until morning." Like, why? No,
that's not the right response, Emily.
Like,
he's not in his priestly garb. He's just
No, he's in his pajamas eating hot.
Yes.
Yeah.
She's just imagining if it is a cucumber
inside of those sleep pants.
Yeah.
Casual.
She'll find out. Um, but
he invites her to stay and they're
getting to know each other and like she
swears at one point and I forget exactly
what Larry said, but the energy was
like, "Don't worry about swearing. We're
not like regular priest. We're cool
priests." It's kind of like how I read
it.
Yeah.
Oh, but okay. You read it the same way.
I read it the same way. And like he used
the phrase I can't remember if this was
in the same thing, but it's like same
context.
Said it's like, "Oh, yeah. And we used
to [ __ ] around to seminary all the time,
which I thought is the best pitch for a
divinity degree.
It's like, "Yeah, you just want to go
[ __ ] around to seminary for a little
bit? Sure, let's do it."
Someone who went to a seminary.
I was going to say not a ton of [ __ ]
around.
Yeah, that's fair.
And unfortunately,
small amount
of small amount of [ __ ] around in
seminary. But yeah, it was
also could have been me.
I wasn't a fan favorite. You know,
you and there ruffling feathers and
whatnot. I I had
I had about 10% of the tattoos that I
currently have
and it was too many tattoos for their
liking.
You hadn't found your audience.
No, I had not found my audience. Like I
left and within 5 months of me like
graduating from seminary, I had a full
back piece tattoo done on my upper back.
And I'm like, you know, that was a they
wouldn't have loved that. At least not
at the one I was at at the time I was
there. Maybe they've
reinterpreted scripture about tattoos at
this point.
Hopefully.
Or vaginas
or
or any of it.
Oh, okay. That's We're about to get
too into cuz I'm about to be like, well,
nope. This is not a This is not a
context for me.
Pounded by Produce leads into a
theological disc discussion. That's what
the people signed up for.
You get it. Yeah.
Go listen to Dan Mlullen if that's what
you're trying to do. We're not here for
that.
Although, we did review Priest. I
literally had the thought. I was like, I
feel like
that book was trying to heal religious
trauma in the way that this one probably
actually does for people. I did have
that thought earlier.
That is very valid. As they're now
together having a late night cereal
snack, Larry asks if Emily's religious
and she's like if it's kind of a sweet
moment where they're just actually
getting to know each other and she's
like, "No, but like I've really been
feeling lost and like I'm searching for
something and like I'm looking for
something that like gives me a purpose
and Larry's like, you know, like
when I like that's how I felt when I
joined seminary and like really looking
for a higher calling and just it's just
a nice moment of like actual connection
between him. Um, but also I think the
other like as soon as he joined seminary
like at least God has not been his
higher calling. Bob has been his higher
calling. Larry is so in love with Bob.
Um,
yeah.
Very sweet.
Yes. And so they say good night and then
the next morning we actually switch to
Larry. This is the moment we find out
that he's in love with Bob because he's
watching Robert preach from the pulpit
and give his sermon and he's just like I
like this is the reason I've been here
for 15 years essentially and he's just
pining away for him and he's like the
he's like yeah like before I went to
seminary like I definitely slept with
women but like those unspoken nights
with Bob like
meant more to me as far as sexual
experiences than like anything else in
my life. His love of Bob is really
endearing.
It is really sweet.
Sounds very pure.
It's so pure and the the tension that
like it in or interjects in the moment
you're like, "Oh my gosh."
Yes. Because this is fun.
Well, like you've been in love with him
for 15 years and just pining away with
like stolen moments and being like, you
know, like when when I could get away
with putting my hand on his shoulder and
like it wouldn't like draw and you're
like, "Oh." And they're like there's
another perspective with Bob like
talking about his love for Larry and
like will they won't they. It's just
very endearing and very
Yes. That's very nice.
It really is. Um after the sermon
they uh
oh Emily shows up at the end of the
sermon. It doesn't it's not really
relevant to the plot except she's just
like finding her way around the space
and like meeting people. And Larry also
sees her and is like, I absolutely
masturbated as soon as I got back to my
room last night.
He's like, I had to do an awkward walk
leaving that kitchen because I'm very
into this woman.
Um, as the service ends, all you realize
all of these like old women, all these
old Betty's in this rural town are very
into Bob and Larry as well and love
their little like harmless crushes on
their priests.
Yes.
Um, one woman knit Larry a rubber ducky
sweater.
King George and the Ducky. We love a
call back. We love a reference.
how Hannah braces herself with each
reference.
It's awesome.
Well, I'm like
I'm just honestly disturbed that I
remember all of them.
So, some odd years since I've interacted
with Veggie Tales, you know,
reading through there were a couple
moments where I was like, "Was that
something?" And then I'd look it up and
I'm like, "This unlocked a core memory."
Vance would just look over. I'm like
watching Veggie Tales songs on my phone
and he's like, "What are you doing?
research
like get over it, man. It's fine. It's
fine. Um, as the now that the sermon is
ending and all of the
church members are leaving, um, there
Bob is talking to Larry's like, "Bro,
you got to stop flirting with all these
like old women." And Larry's like, "It's
harmless. They make me sweaters. It's
great." Like, what could go wrong here?
They're just having fun, man.
And as they close the doors to the
church, they realize there's like an old
woman in there with them that they they
don't know her. They've never seen her
before and she looks a little like
haggarded and is wearing like a big
cloak and they're like, "Oh, we're so
sorry. Like we thought it was empty in
here." And they're like introducing
themselves and she's being kind of
weird.
Kind of weird.
Okay. Kind of
very mysterious.
Yeah. She's like, "I know who you are."
Yeah.
And they're like, "Oh, like do you need
a ride home?" And she's like, "No, but I
like you boys might need help." And
they're like, "What are you talking
about?" So then she says, "Tonight is
the harvest moon where spirits come to
play. All that is hidden will be brought
to light. You two need a transformation.
It's up to you both to define the true
fruits of your soul." And then she just
like scurries away,
disappears,
walks down the very long road that leads
to the parish, and then
was it.
Yeah. That that the long road to the
county over.
Oh my gosh. I didn't
I didn't pick up on that one. Nice.
That was just me. Okay. So, they're like
both Bob and Larry are like that was
weird,
right? But like what are you going to do
about it?
Yeah. Like did she hex us?
Guess we'll be fine. We'll find out.
But there was no subtext around it. They
were like that was weird. Anyway, let's
go.
Yeah. Like literally to the point like
as soon as it ends, Bob like looks back
at L. He's like, "So, as I was saying,
you got to stop flirting with these
women." Like that like level of like
ambivalence to this weird message from
this woman.
Dismissive of like whatever that was.
Very dismissive of it.
Yeah.
Yes.
They've run into this. Their
congregation is 70 plus year old women.
They say weird [ __ ] They knit them
sweaters. They're like
water off a rubber duck's back. Oh my
god. Oh, I just took a
holy [ __ ]
Once again, this episode will hit very
hard for a very specific group of people
and for everyone else. Thank you for
joining us. We do apologize for the
confusion.
There's still some funny stuff.
Absolutely. So, switching to Bob's
perspective. It's late that night. Um,
like now the middle of the night, he
can't sleep. He's feeling guilty about
how distracted he's been been by the new
parish cook. Um,
and like just decides to get his mind
off of things. He go he's like, "That
woman was weird. I can't stop focusing
on Emily." Like whatever. So, he finds
an old bottle of communion wine and goes
out to the garden and just decides he's
going to like get drunk in the garden in
the middle of the night. And like, you
know, we all cope how we cope.
Sure, I get it. In some situations, I'd
call that a poor coping skill. And in
other situations, I'd call that a
relatively good coping skill. Yeah. And
perspective matters.
It does. Little column A, little column
B, you know.
So, he's laying down between the rows of
the cucumbers and the tomatoes and uh
starts just like talking to God and is
like, "Why are you doing this to me?
Like, are you testing me? Like, why?"
And suddenly a voice responds and is
like, "You've been disobedient." And
he's like, "Fuck off, Larry." Like, and
Larry's like, "You were slamming doors.
I thought you wanted me to follow you
out here. I didn't know you being out
here was a secret.
Like you weren't subtle on the way out.
Yeah.
Yeah. And he's like, "Are you are you a
little distracted lately?" Cuz you
weren't subtle and I was clearly
following you out here. Um and when
Bob's like, "I you know, maybe I've been
a little distracted." Larry's like, "Is
it the new cook's tits?"
Was it here where I think whoever it was
Bob had they got them mixed up. He looks
at him he's like clearly I came alone to
talk to God and the other one was like
aren't you glad I answered instead.
I was like ooh there's some there's a
deep dive of some religious trauma in
here. Like
oh yeah
what happens when humans show up for
each other we don't have to worry about
anyway. Mhm.
Yes.
Bob says no. Larry, believe it or not,
it's not the new cook's tits.
It's her lips actually that have been
distracting me.
Mhm.
I'm not a perve. Well,
a little bit foreshadowing here.
Yeah. Still am. Uh Larry is thrilled by
this confession and he's like, "This is
this is great news." And then like as
Larry's laughing about it, like Bob
calls him like ridiculous and Larry's
like, "Well, it's my mission to bring
you joy."
It's It's kind of a slightly weird
intera.
It does escalate very quickly. It's very
winefueled.
Like Larry's like, "It's my mission to
bring you joy." And Bob's like, "Well,
what a simple life." Cuz here I am like
leading souls to God and you're just
like talking like making jokes about
tits and like
being God's favorite. And Larry's like,
"You're definitely God's favorite. He
made me to serve you." And I'm like,
"Bob, this man is in love with you." In
love. He just said, "God made me to
serve you." And it did not click for
you.
The I mean, yes, it this one is wine
induced, but like still that is
Yeah, that came out.
That is a loud. Yeah,
hard statement. And I feel like Bob
still doesn't clock it.
I don't think so. He's more just he's
borderline aloof,
I guess. And just very I don't know.
He's very in his head.
And I was going to say it sounds like
he's trying to protect himself and
doesn't want to make Larry uncomfortable
or like cross any invisible boundaries
and and so he's like
dismissing the signs because he wants it
so bad. Maybe
like is that
is like paired with that still like
rectifying the idea that he believes
that he's still called
to serve God. He is at this parish for a
reason. It just happens to be with his
best buddy who was his roommate.
Right. Right. Right.
No, we are here to serve our Lord and
Savior.
Right. With very specific expectations
around what serving your Lord and Savior
looks like.
That sounded more sexual than I meant
it. Um
read into what's not. I was going to say
I feel like
maybe but still probably accurate for
the current situation we're in.
So both Bob and Larry just fall asleep
drunk in the garden.
Mhm.
The next morning we switched to Larry's
perspective. He wakes up and he's like
feeling a bit funny and he's like, "Man,
must be like really hung over." And his
vision is a little bit blurry and things
don't quite look right. Then he realizes
he can't move and he's like, "What? what
is going on? And he's like, did did is
this what we drank? Like, did something
happen to to Bob? And then he like feels
like an earthquake and then sees a giant
hand.
And um yeah, so Larry's turned into a
cucumber and Bob has turned into a
tomato and Emily's in the garden
collecting produce
for the day and happens to collect them.
Um, she collects other veggies as well.
The other ones don't seem to be
sentient. Um, but Larry like looks over
and sees the tomato and is like, "So
that's Bob." Like it's like
I I would know Bob in any form and that
is Bob.
Yes.
I don't know Bob in any spiritually I
can recognize Bob anyway.
It's like cool man. Great.
I'm like even as a tomato.
Even as a tomato with no eyes. I love my
husband more than I love anyone else in
this world. And if my husband turned
into produce, I don't know if I'd look
over and be like, "That squash
does look kind of van."
I got to tell you right now, if Matt
ever became produce, that would be like
the worst possible thing that could have
ever happened to my husband because he
does not eat vegetables.
I would never recognize him because his
soul would not match it. Okay, pause.
Here's here's my followup. You would
automatically recognize him? Because
you'd go, "Where the [ __ ] did this
broccoli come from? We never had
broccoli in our house."
Matt, is that you?
Be like, I specifically remember getting
zucchini.
Why am I now witnessing Brussels
sprouts?
Yeah. See, you would recognize it. And
why does the energy from these Brussels
sprouts feel so uncomfortable? Why does
the energy from these Brussels sprouts
make me want to take off my pants?
These Brussels sprouts are going to go
lovely with a nice maple glaze, if you
know what I'm saying.
So gross.
I forgive you.
Thank you.
I'm not there.
Listen, the internal monologue is there
is a pipeline.
I forgive you. I'm not there yet.
So, Emily now has Bob and Larry back in
the kitchen and like Larry's like kind
of here for this. He's like, I don't
really know what's happening, but this
is kind of an exciting experience. I've
never been a fruit before
until Emily like picks up a knife and
then he's like,
"Oh god, oh god. Oh god,
oh god, I'm in a kitchen. I'm a
vegetable. What if is this how I die?
Like is this the end?" But like Emily
also seems to be aware. She like picks
up the cucumber and like hm like puts it
like picks up the tomato, chops all the
other vegetables.
Mhm.
Doesn't chop them. H
spiritually connected to the cucumber
and the tomato.
Sure. But she's like holding them up and
like whispering to herself and she's
like, "I must be crazy." And then she's
like, "This must be because of that
dream I had." And I'm like, "Oh my god."
Yeah. She has no idea that they've
turned into produce. She just had a
dream that Larry had a cucumber dick and
then she was in the garden and she
picked up a cucumber and now she's
looking at it going, "I must be crazy."
That's exactly how I pictured her car.
Just like full palm out, just eye
contact with no eyes.
Eye contact with the ass end of a
cucumber. Like
I don't know why I was imagining it long
ways and not
I same
massive [ __ ] cucumber that's on the
brink of teetering over her hand
[Music]
anyway.
All right. So they're safe from the
knife for now.
They are safe from the knife.
They're even safer because Emily decides
to take them to her room.
Oh.
So she does take Bob and Larry. Yeah.
Um, and Larry's thrilled by this turn of
events and he's like, "Can I move?" And
he's like practicing wiggling a little
bit. He's like, "Can I like get my
body?" Like Larry has no concerns, which
does feel very true to Larry. I'm
enjoying Larry. Actually, I'm like,
that's the difference between if you're
going to have a good acid trip or a bad
acid trip is if you're like,
"Weird, but okay. All right,
cool beans." Versus like, "Oh, oh,
fuck." like same situation. It's all
about the perspective,
right? You're like, I adjusted my
expectations and this is going to be a
lovely trip.
Yeah.
If I can interrupt for just one second,
I
picture Larry
just accepting his new reality and then
Stephen Curtis Chapman dive just plays.
Stop it. Stop it.
I'm going in. I'm diving deep in over my
head. I want to be caught in the rushes.
Lost in the flow in over my head. I want
to go. The river's deep. The river's
wide. The river is the water. So sink or
swim.
How I mean that song was written for
this book.
Oh my god. In fact, the royalties from
that book are what paid GM from that
song are what paid GM Ferry for this.
Stephen Curtis Chapman, man, he was a
Never mind. I'm not going there. I'm not
going to I'm not saying that
that story is too dark to get into right
now.
Oh god.
Oh, we don't we need to bring up
We're not going to sing Cinderella.
Oh no. Why
damn it.
Damn it, ma'am. Okay.
I'm sorry. This is the last time I'm
going to be on this podcast.
So, just going dark. It's now Emily's
back to Emily's perspective and she is
still feeling very worked up after that
cucumber dream and needs a release and
she's like looking at the produce and
she's like I don't know why I brought
this produce in but when I picked it up
I felt something with that produce.
She's like I was very drawn to it was
like a zap of energy. So, she starts
masturbating,
thinking of the priest, grabs the tomato
and cucumber for the assist. It inserts
Larry.
Sure.
Um, and is rubbing the tomato on her
[ __ ] like on her like boobs at first
and then on her [ __ ]
I could see you had questions about
where the tomato went.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did, too. And then I was like,
"Oh, okay. This is Okay. Right. Here we
go. Thi this is what I I am absolutely
willing to accept that this is where the
tomato went and not ask more questions.
Agreed.
Yes. Right.
Yeah. I'm comfortable with that.
Um because
and I don't need to ask more questions
cuz pretty much immediately we're going
to switch to Bob's perspective. He's in
heaven as well. He's like this is a
weird dream but like I don't need to
feel guilty. I'm not sinning if I'm a
fruit. Like
I didn't do it. She did it. I just
happen to be here.
Yes. is very like I'm like it's like
soaking is like the equivalent of
[Music]
once again this episode will land for a
very specific group of people. If you
know what the Provo float is, you're in
the right podcast.
Oh my god. if you also participated in
Evangelical Sing Along with us, like
you get it.
Yeah, you get it.
Um, I was telling Hannah a while back
that I've been watching an episode, I
think it was of the challenge and there
was a trivia
challenge
and one of the questions had been like,
"Name a team in the SEC and this girl
goes BYU."
[Laughter]
No, sweetheart. I'm like, I don't I
don't think they're in the SEC.
They're not in the Southeastern
Conference.
I was like, and then as soon as she said
that, I was like, I learned a lot about
you. And her response is BYU is in the
SEC. I'm like, I I've learned so much
about you as a person.
Does she have the Mormon hair? That's
what I always imagine. You know, that's
like a whole
I do know what you're referring. She's a
little bit older than like the Mormon
hair, then like the mom talk.
Yeah. So, there's a whole like you can
tell the look and it's the not quite
blonde, but sort of beachy blonde wave,
but it's not a curl, but it's like a
loose wave and it's very long and
there's usually not a ton of volume up
top.
Have you watched Secret Lives of Mormon
Wives?
They all have the same hair.
That's who it's all based on. Like that
if you see an ad like that's what it is
all based on. Although I did realize I'm
like
a lot of the like there are some really
cute shops in Utah for sure and I
realized I was like oh all of the shops
that I shop at online
me and the Mormon mom talk are all
shopping at the same places
which I've embraced. They have cute
clothes.
Sometimes you do just have to lean in to
those sorts of situations.
You know we accept the clothes we leave
the soaking. Um,
and the magic underwear.
And the magic personally. The magic
underwear. Yes. Um, yeah. So, Bob is
getting rubbed on Emily's [ __ ] Larry's
inside of her
right back in
as Emily comes. Bob also comes um and
leaks. He's very excited. He leaks. He
feels a little hole puncture and he like
leaks his seed onto her.
Mhm.
And I just imagine someone with in a
kitchen with a knife trying to chop a
tomato that's like too juicy of a tomato
or the knife is too dull and it
Yes. And like when it and the tomato
just squishes.
Yeah.
That's the seed I'm imagining.
100%.
Yeah.
Like it just
Yeah. I can't. Nope.
No.
Right. So Bob's vision blurs away. He
like loses his consciousness. Mhm.
Emily wakes up later from her orgasm and
juice nap and is like, "Man, forgot how
nice that feels. It's been a while." Uh,
and finds two men at the end of her bed.
Don't worry, it is Bob and Larry. It's
not two new ones. But even still, it's
very jarring.
Yeah, she masturbated with two fruit and
woke up with both priests in her room.
Wow. That would make me spiral.
That would be the experience that would
be like,
"Please forgive me. I will never do
drugs or drink ever again. I'm going to
go completely like freaking vegan raw. I
will I swear to God. Like, no GMOs. Just
please
fully GMOs cuz I need to stay away from
the produce. I can't go raw vegan. Raw
vegan is what got us into this
situation. Holy, I will get scurvy. God
damn it.
Oh no, not god damn it. Please forgive
me.
Yeah. Yeah. And she's also wrestling
with she's like, I don't want to become
a nun, but maybe this is the right path
for me. And then smash cut two dudes in
her bed.
Well, I'm also like there are other
options. Like why is it
not in her mind? Yeah.
Yeah. It's one extreme or the other.
Like you don't have to be a nun and you
also don't have to [ __ ] a tomato.
The tagline for the show.
Like in fact that ven diagram is two
separate circles. Like
there's no overlap.
No overlap on that.
Zero overlap on that one. So as Larry's
coming to he's like whoa. Like he's
really groggy. He's like, "I had the
craziest dream that I was this cucumber
and like Bob was in it and he was a
tomato." But then Bob is kind of like,
"Wait, what?"
He was a very wideeyed tomato in this
moment.
Yes. Cuz Bob's like, "Wait, I had a
dream that I was a tomato and you were a
cucumber." And like they're like looking
at Emily and like everyone's trying to
put it together and then they're like,
"Wait." And cuz then Emily's like,
"Well, I did." Also, props to Emily for
confessing this because she says to
them, "I did bring a cucumber and a
tomato into my room with me." Um, which
is a a daring confession in this moment.
I was going to make a Greek salad.
Cut a little sleepy.
I would absolutely not. I would make
some [ __ ] up.
Was that Greek salad going to be tossed
or
Hey,
that was so bad. I'm so sorry.
Anyway,
not the Greek salad.
I don't know why I went for a Greek
salad. I could have gone for a nice
tibuli, but I didn't.
So, after Emily confesses that she did
bring a cucumber and tomato into her
room with her last night, they're like,
"Well, where are they?" So, they're like
looking
and they cannot find the cucumber and
tomato anymore and realize that they
were sentient fruit. Um, and Larry is
pondering out loud if this was a gift
from God. Um, I'm pondering if they got
into some weird mushrooms. Like, it's
wild to me that they're like,
"Obviously, we were we were the the
cucumber and the tomato." I mean, that's
the only logical thing. it so easily.
So [ __ ] fast.
Well, it was weird, but we both saw it,
right?
We both saw it. You know what? We were
fruit. We didn't sin. We're still good.
No foraging on the back 40 anymore.
That's me.
But then Bob is also very much suddenly
like, well, we're not fruit anymore. And
like
just takes off.
Sorry, but are they naked?
No. That is something that they do
address is it's very interesting when
they shift, they stay clothed.
Yep.
All right. So, when she woke up and both
of them were in her room with her, they
were wearing the pajamas that they had
fallen asleep wearing in the garden that
night.
Okay.
So, you would think there would be a
cucumber with a white t-shirt and navy
pajama pants would give it away, but
you would think that.
I don't know. Plot. There's there's a
little gap there, but we're fine.
You know what? I like that they don't
over complicate it. They're just like,
"The clothes stay on. Don't worry about
it.
Don't question it." Much like your
belief in God, don't question it.
[Music]
Sorry.
Um, but Bob is also very much like, "I'm
about to take advantage of you. We
aren't fruit anymore. We need to ask God
for some guidance ASAP." And just
leaves. Um, Bob is really great at just
leaving. He's very good at leaving.
Quite frankly,
it is my biggest
hangup with Bob.
Say more about that.
Well, as we continue in the book,
Yep.
like like Bob gets himself into a lot of
situ like like very intense emotionally
charged situations
and then just like bails and he does it
several times.
He does. He gets a little pouty. I'm
going to be real.
Yeah. But also once again does kind of
feel like how Veggie's about. I was
about to say that. It sounds cannon
though.
Yeah,
actually. Like I have the same thought.
I was like I feel weird cuz it kind of
feels like Bob's a little [ __ ] but
also Bob is a could be a little [ __ ]
right? Like
Yeah.
Out of he and Larry, Larry was the cool
hang.
He was the cool hang.
No one wanted to hang with Bob.
Maybe they did. I just didn't know those
people. If you wanted to hang with Bob,
we probably weren't friends.
That's a great take. M
yeah,
but I don't I mean but like Larry had
silly songs.
I was going to say Larry had like you
and me in our sport utility vehicle
which Bob did not have the same
approachability, you know.
No, he did not.
Total sidebar. You just referenced it.
Have we talked about silly songs with
Laurent yet?
We haven't.
Okay, we're getting there. Yeah. I mean,
there is like a reference later because
he's singing Everybody Wants a Water
Buffalo later on.
Oh my god. Right. So, the next day, Bob
avoids them all day. Is like, "We need
to go and pray and ask God for
guidance." And by guidance, I mean how
to stay away from y'all cuz I'm not
ready to have adult conversations. So,
it is now time for afternoon
confessionals. So, Bob is in the booth
waiting for the confessionals. Um,
and Larry enters and is like, "Forgive
me, father, but also we need to talk.
Like, sorry, man. We this like we we
turned into fruit last night. Like, you
really just going to walk away?"
I was inside her like as a cucumber.
Like, that's what I'm imagining the
energy he has is like, "Dude."
Well, and Larry's like, "Did it make you
question anything?" And Bob's like, "Is
that all it took for you to start
questioning?" And Larry's like, "Bro,
we've turned into [ __ ] produce."
Like, of course I'm questioning [ __ ] I
was a cucumber that she inserted inside
of her. Is that all it took for me to
question?
Like, what more do you need, dude? Like,
Jesus Christ. And that is the difference
between the youth group kids who are now
still church adults and the rest of us.
It's exactly right. We're all asking the
same questions, but given the context,
two completely different story lines.
Yeah.
I think we're all Larry in this
situation.
Yeah. Everybody in this room
looking at a Bob being like that's all
it took for you to question and you're
like I mean yeah
in this house we're all Larry.
I'm going to get a Larry Prince made for
each of y'all for Christmas. And just
enough time is going to pass that you're
going to forget about it and then you're
going to unwrap a gift.
I will die.
It's going to be incredible.
I'm going to show up with something
that's like instead of in this house we
serve the Lord. It's just in this house
we
Larry.
So many phallic references.
Yeah, I can go with the sign my sister
has that says tits out, bits out doing
God's work in her kitchen.
She does have that.
I'm obsessed.
Oh my gosh.
I didn't know your sister had that sign.
It's very good.
How's her alias show going?
It's pretty good.
Is it still going?
I don't know if she's put out a new
episode recently, but
Won, do you know about her sister's
alias show?
I know nothing. Give me a contest.
Do you remember the Jennifer Garner
show, Alias? Of course. So, my younger
sister who is queer, married, living in
Virginia, and
she is obsessed with it,
okay?
And so, she has started making videos of
like deep dives of alias story lines,
okay? and like how anti-Asian most of
them are and like it is it's
Is she still dressing up like the
characters though?
She does have wigs
cuz you know Jennifer Garner and her
wigs at that [ __ ] show.
She's about to get one more YouTube
subscriber.
Yes. When Hannah and my sister starting
a thing, I was like, "What? This is
incredible."
So it's like deep dives, not fanfiction.
Oh yeah. No, she like goes all the way
into the storyline and like you know
where like these Asian actors who like
aren't even really Asian, where did they
come from or like you know these
stereotypes they're leaning into in the
show and it's it's just
yeah
wow
she brings me a lot of joy. So, I
officiated her wedding and the only
guidance I received for the ceremony was
they wanted
something about gardening
and Danny DeVito
and that was it. That was all I
received.
So, there was a Tik Tok filter a couple
of years ago that was like, take a photo
of someone, it'll turn them into a Harry
Potter character.
I took a photo of my husband. It turned
him into Hermione, but it gave him like
a short wide bob that looked very Danny
DeVito.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And I had been telling a coworker about
it one day and she thought it was like
the funniest video cuz I had showed it
to her.
Uh that same day our exterminator was
coming to spray and he was walking
through my office and she thought it was
Vance walking into my office and just
goes well if it isn't the Danny Devito I
see
that's so good and then she just sees my
faces I'm going
so
completely
completely unrelated but genuinely my
favorite tweet of all time was some like
aquarium or something tweeted that the
um barnacle has the largest penis
compared to its body mass of any
creature on the planet. And Danny DeVito
replied and said, "Please stop calling
me the barnacle." And when I tell you I
think about that once a week, I think
about that once a week.
You're like, "This is my Roman Empire."
Yes. I'm like, it was in like 2016.
Please stop calling me the Barnacle.
Just so good.
A [ __ ] national treasure if ever
there was one.
Truly. So, the only way I could figure
to work Danny Devito into that wedding
ceremony was just to say, "By the power
vested in me by Danny Devito, I now
pronounce you married."
Did you have to say the state of Georgia
as well or just standing?
No, because I had done the actual
marriage license before.
So, this was just like, you know, for
family and friends and stuff. So,
I went to a wedding. That was the first
wedding where I like really realized
that was happening cuz I went, "Wow,
this these vows are out of pocket for an
actual like official." I'm like, "What
is happening here? Is this legal?
I was like, "Oh, they already signed the
legally binding agreement. This is just
for shits and giggles."
So, we had to do the marriage license
twice because my they wanted you to put
your title on the license. And I was
like, I don't have a title. I got this
[ __ ] on the internet like what? And my
sister just wrote in the gay reverend.
And they rejected it and said that is
not a real title.
So, we had to do it again.
I like that your sister was the one who
like your sister's own marriage license
got rejected because of her addition to
it.
The gay reverend.
My sister didn't want to be the matron
of honor because she thought it sounded
frumpy. Yeah.
So, she was listed everywhere as our
Duchess of Matrimony.
Oh my god, I remember that.
That's very good.
You were there. You were in it.
I was I was there.
Yeah.
You You stood up by my husband at the
altar.
I did.
And said, "I'll make sure he keeps these
vows." Not that there was ever any
doubt.
Right. I was like, "Cool, man. You're
fine."
One of the easiest job ever. One of my
uh like my parents lifelong friends who
were at our wedding. uh she's a wedding
planner and she was actually just she
wasn't our wedding planner but she was
very kind and was helping me with my
wedding dress when I was like trying to
use the restroom and helping bustle it
and it was still just like I think of it
relatively often. She she was talking
about cuz she'd never met Vance before,
just saw him at our wedding and she
goes, "Looking at you all together, it's
really nice to see how into you he is."
And I was like, "Oh, okay." Cuz she was
her daughter is like a year or two
younger than me and had like d like
married to a wonderful man now, but like
had dated a couple [ __ ] along the
way. And she was like, "Yeah, like
that's how like my daughter's like most
recent boyfriend looks at her like just
like he's so in like you can tell it's
legit." And I remember being like, "Oh,
that's really lovely."
Yes.
And
I will also say this, shout out to Laura
Wade. Wherever you are in the universe
right now, she has the ability to pick
like the perfect like whimsical and
practical thing off a registry. Like the
thing that you're like, "Oh, this was
fun, but like like this is fun. I don't
necessarily need it, but it's not so
frivolous it won't be utilized."
She my wedding registry and my baby
registry. She did it both times. I was
like, I don't know what your registry
witch power is, but you have it.
You can just look and be like, this is
this is the gift for them. I'm like,
yeah, that's nice.
Yeah, that's a power I want to have.
Cuz I'm usually like, I see towels. Got
them.
And I'm like, well,
that's a cool looking blender.
The shower starts in an hour, so
everything else was already purchased.
Um,
I've done that. I'm just going to ship
some diapers to your house.
Mhm. And honestly, what a gift that is,
right? Like,
like it works just as well.
Yeah.
Okay. Where were we? Bob, Larry,
Bob, Larry.
Bob ran away cuz Yeah,
Larry's like, "Yeah, maybe I am
questioning some things."
Sorry.
Yeah, Bob came in hot with the
existential questions
that we were all asking ourselves at one
point in our lives.
Larry is talking about how like it like
he's like it felt holy. Like what
happened with Emily like felt like a
spiritual experience at some level.
Um and then he is like, "Well, since I'm
at confession, I'm I'm going to
confess."
Mhm.
I jerk off as often as I can. It's like
he's confessing this to Bob and Bob's
like, "Yeah, like I've I've jerked off,
too." And Bob's like, "Oh, no." Larry's
like, "Oh, I thought you didn't I
thought you stopped after seminary."
And I was like, "You thought this man
had not hadn't ejaculated in 15 years?"
Yeah.
Also, what does that do to someone's
psyche if you have not come for 15
years?
That's right.
Nothing good.
And Larry also said that the last time
he had sex was the day before he left
for seminary.
Yeah, but Larry's also come since then.
That's true.
But yeah, what is it?
Right. I'm like if you are like
well and he's come with another person
even if he wasn't actually touching him
like the connection was still there in
some way at least for a little while you
know
but yeah that can mess with your psyche
just hard stop for the next 15 years
oh my gosh yeah I'm like okay so 15
years of like repressing
everything and also not having an outlet
let her a space to talk or process
through it, I think is is another big
aspect of that for sure.
So, as they have confessed that they've
like both
continued to masturbate through the
years, even though they were apparently
doing that in secret, Bob is getting
aroused. He starts like unzipping his
pants and then Larry is unzipping his
pants and then they are they both just
masturbate on either side of the
confessional booth.
Mhm.
Yeah. And like Larry is like also real
good at dirty talk. Like Larry's like
asking if Bob is thinking of him like
imagining. He's like I'm imagining your
like your lips around my [ __ ] right now.
I'm like you are good sir.
Yeah. that mouth though.
He's like, I've been I've been imagining
using these words for 15 years.
A lot of time to think about it.
Yes.
Yeah.
1,000%.
And honestly, good for him for saying
them out loud. Not feeling not feeling
shy about it. Just being like, "Oh, this
is the moment. Let's go.
It's my time to shine."
So now it's like the next night, so like
two full business days have kind of
passed.
Yeah. Well, cuz Emily's like, "I'm
annoyed. It's been 2 days and they
haven't talked to me about any." And
then when she's like I'm like, "Okay, so
that was yesterday morning. The whole
day passed. They didn't talk to you last
night. It's now the end of the next day.
Got it." I'm like,
I feel like that this is a weird
situation, Emily. You're allowed to take
two days to process that you turned into
a tomato.
But it would be hell awkward to like all
technically be in the same space and
just be like,
"Okay."
Yeah. Tiptoeing around this parish.
Well, and that is valid. And that
Emily's like, "I'm not going to tiptoe
around. We're going to have a
conversation about this." So when she
makes dinner that night, she sets a
plate for herself as well. And she's
like, "We're going to have this
conversation." She's like, "Dinner's
ready. Come on." Like, "Let's
let's talk." What
about Emily?
And so as they're like talking, it's
like she asks like if they like know why
it happened. She like, "Is it a God
thing that this happened?"
Um, I do have the the quote written.
Nothing in the Bible suggests this has
happened before, but it could still be a
God thing.
You know, I read through the the source
material, didn't find anything.
Not even in the apocryphal, you guys. It
wasn't even in the deep cuts.
You know, I feel like that's the mindset
of a lot of people in America now. He's
like, "It's not in the Bible, but this
could still be a God thing." and then
gestures broadly [ __ ] that's happening.
They're just like, "Close enough."
I feel like he would have said it
though. Like maybe he didn't technically
say it, but like he would have said it.
That's the energy of like half the Tik
Tockers now. Like
Well,
this neck move. Yes.
And I'm also like not to like
get too theological about it, but I'm
like
Jesus had no issues speaking his mind
and his opinions on things.
Very true.
No, I'm thinking of the talking donkey.
Do you remember what's his name? On the
road and the donkey.
I've been out of seminary for long
enough that you went the talking donkey
and I went, "Yeah, Shrek."
That's a different GM fairy book
apparently. Yes. Eddie Murphy.
I'm now imagining Eddie Murphy in that
Bible story and it's a lot better.
So much better.
It's so much better.
But the donkeyy's wearing the purple
suit from Raw and it's just completely
unhinged.
Anyway,
so as they're having this conversation,
like, you know, nothing in scripture
says this is bibl biblical, but like
maybe it's still a god thing.
He works in mysterious ways.
They then suddenly remember the old
witch lady and the cloak.
Sure. Sure.
Um, cloak equals witch. Everybody knows
that.
You get it.
And maybe it's the cloak with the weird
prophetic words, right? Not just the
cloak.
Yeah. Right. Right. Right.
But if it's a cloak and she has a mole,
it probably
Yeah. They make a reference to her being
like, I was so close to the boil on her
nose. I'm like, did you just watch Snow
White 5 minutes before watching this?
Right. And how close did you get to her?
Right.
Yeah. I'm like, so she was standing
there, but like how close were you? Had
that question as well.
Yeah. So,
uh, Bob is like remembering that it's
like, you know, like she mentioned the
harvest moon and that like things would
be brought to light. Uh,
fruits of your something.
Fruits of your souls.
Yes.
Not fruits of the spirit.
Yes. Not a
similar but different.
Um, Emily asks like if it'll if they
like think it'll happen again and they
say no. And then there's just like a
loud popping sound and then there she's
just like, "Oh man, I'm just sitting
here with two sexy veggies."
I just wanted to see Hannah's face.
Yeah.
Sexy veggies. Sexual vegetables.
It's all in there.
Vegetables.
Oh god.
Do you remember that old like parody
song by Dave Loenstein that Sexual
Professional?
Uhhuh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey,
that was a deep cut. I'm glad someone
knew it.
Speech Trainers LLC was his full band.
Big fan back in the day.
Oh, yes. I'm a sexual professional and I
thought you all should know that my
that my testicles are flexible.
At least in terms of who they need to
know. It's on a need to know basis.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's on that's what I
remember is it's on a need to know
basis. on a need to know basis
cuz I'm a sexual professional.
I'm a sexual professional. I thought you
should know.
I want you to know you're about to [ __ ]
up my Spotify rap.
The great news is I'm probably not.
You might.
I'm going to [ __ ] up your YouTube
browsing history from like 0708.
Your algorithm is
but your Spotify wrapped will be intact.
It's going to be intact.
So Emily
keeps her hands to herself, all things
considered, brings Larry and Bob into
her room and just places them gently on
the floor. Um,
on the floor.
I have that thought.
Why not?
Yeah. Not even on the bed. On the dress.
Well, the dresser if they turn back into
humans.
Oh, I was going to say open a dresser
drawer and place them gently
so they can be comfortable like a baby
in the 1920s.
No. Do you remember when we reviewed The
Haunted Vagina?
Uh, no. I repressed it pretty hard.
Yes, I remember.
Walls.
Okay. There was a scene in The Haunted
Vagina where he was trying to climb back
out of her vagina.
Yeah.
Sorry, Weston. You weren't here for that
one.
No, I'm in this.
He was trying to climb out of her vagina
cuz he fell through the portal that was
in her vagina.
Yes. Got it. Um, but by that point she
was driving. The car had jeans on. So
she told him he had to stay in there
because she couldn't stop moving. She
couldn't pull over. So she's like, "Get
back in there, bro." So he had to stay
in her vagina. Um, and that's what I
imagine if we put Larry and Bob in
drawers,
then they're just trying to get back out
and the drawers aren't big and stay in
there. They're like one leg out like
so nothing really happened.
They just were vegetables in her room,
but they're all human again in the
morning. And it seems as though now
Robert Bob has changed his tune a little
bit because he's like, I'm not sure why
he chose to turn us into vegetables, but
if I'm a tomato, I'm I'm not a man of
God. I'm just a veggie and veggies can't
sin.
So I'm like, it really feels like we're
doing some mental gymnastics. It feels
like when you're like, if I have anal
sex, I'm still a virgin.
Right. Right. Right. It doesn't count.
We're going back to so
butt sex for Jesus.
It doesn't count. But sex. So
if my friend is on the corner of the bed
shaking it, but I'm not moving.
Right.
Then I'm not sinning. Correct.
Meanwhile, in the kink community, people
are like, "You kind of basically had a
threesome." Like,
right? Like Oh, so you brought a third
into the scene.
Yeah. Love that for you.
We're such a weird species,
dude.
Dude,
um it seems as though they all agree in
this moment that they will explore the
space as veggies.
Mhm.
Um
and the space.
So they're like, "We now consent."
Oh, yeah. They were talking about how
experience they've ever had.
The holiest. It was like they
sorry
they Yeah. They were like I we've never
felt this way before. But there was
something that unlocked when we were a
cucumber and a tomato. Let's explore
this.
But only if we're a cucumber and a
tomato.
That's right. Cuz veggies can't sin.
Yeah. Cuz we aren't sinning. If that is
the situation.
Yes.
So as they get up to leave, they morph
again back into a cucumber and a tomato.
And Emilyy's like, "Well, no time like
the present." So she gets naked, is
rubbing Bob on her [ __ ] again, inserts
Larry. Also, just here throwing this out
there, if Bob leaked his tomato seed,
logic would tell us that maybe Larry
also leaked his cucumber seed, do we
have concerns about a UTI? If you are
inserting a vegetable within yourself
and it's leaking,
I do. Yes. I genuinely was like, so
several questions including but not
limited to are we concerned about a UTI
or yeast infection, but also like we
don't know the situation for pregnancy
here. Like
Oh god. Yeah.
What kind of seed?
How much of them morphed?
Oh my gosh. You can just make your own
garden now,
right?
No. No. I'm so No, no, no. I'm imagining
as children when we were all told that
if you eat a watermelon seed, you will
grow a watermelon. And she's got this
big belly. And it's like, I don't know.
Could be.
His Have you met Bob?
His dad's a a cucumber, so can't tell.
I hate it. Both Bob and Larry are now uh
practicing wiggling their bodies a
little bit. So now they vibrate.
which for everyone's pleasure.
I was going to say, all right.
Yeah.
Yeah. Everybody wins here.
Um,
and at this point, Larry's having such a
great time. He's like, I might just want
to stay a cucumber.
He's like, I feel more like myself than
I felt in so long. This is great. Poor
Larry. I hope when I come back, I come
back as like, you know, a sunflower. I
just hang out for one season. I turn
towards the sun. people take pictures
and then I'm done. Like that sounds
great. It sounds like he's like, you
know,
Yeah.
All right.
I don't have to worry about anything.
Don't have to worry about sinning.
I just wiggle my body a little bit.
We got I just do that shoulder shimmy
from that one Icy Hot commercial with
Shaq.
Shack.
What a great pull.
You know what I'm talking about. I use
that gif at least like five times a
week.
Yes,
it's a solid one. That is a solid
Okay. Um I don't even know.
She was [ __ ] home again. Oh yeah,
that's a Larry was living his best life.
That's a cucumber. He doesn't want to go
back.
He was.
And I get it. When you've been
repressing yourself for 15 years and you
suddenly feel free again.
Yeah, I get it.
They've now returned their human form.
It's Sunday morning. Larry was a bit
distracted throughout the week, so it's
not his best sermon. Um,
he almost like drops an fbomb from the
pulpit at one point. Is like make uses a
weird analogy that's like,
yeah, sorry. It's like, what does he
say? He goes, it's just like when I got
my lip stuck on that gate, you know, and
Bob's like, what the [ __ ] are you
talking about? Your lip stuck on a gate.
Like nothing. Absolute crickets.
Yeah.
Which is another veggie.
I was gonna say that's a veggie dale.
I got my lips stuck in a gate.
Yeah.
Something something something.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
No, that No, I was singing the Got my
lipstick to to a gate to the water
buffalo. They're different songs.
They are different songs.
Sorry everyone. I apologize.
What sort of lowlevel podcast are we
offering that I'm messing up? When I
tell you right now that Weston said, "I
did some research." And I was like, "You
did what?"
Just a little bit of research.
Yeah. I had to unlock some memories.
Different energies. Different energies.
So, Bishop Archabald um did decide to do
Yeah. Did a surprise visit.
Wasn't he asparagus?
I think that's right.
Archie. Wasn't he asparagus?
Archie the asparagus. Hang on.
Dang.
Or was he broccoli?
I knew there were references I was
missing.
No,
like Gail and Archable.
You're right. Archable asparagus.
Nailed it.
Nice.
Thank you.
With the professor glasses.
Mhm.
Yeah. As soon as you
Yeah.
I'm like, "Yeah, with the glasses."
He was the dad to the little one.
Oh, yeah.
His name I don't Yeah. Junior.
Oh.
Uhhuh.
And the dad is in the got my lip stuck
in a gate
song. But um Bishop Archerald is not
thrilled with Larry's sermon and
performance.
Um
underperformed a little bit. So they get
a talking to in private. Um
and so after like the bishop leaves, Bob
and Larry are talking and Bob's like,
"Don't let them see who we are in
private." Like I know like we like we
swear a lot when we're like behind
closed doors, but like you can't do
those things in front of the
congregation. And Larry's kind of like
maybe I don't want to be a separate
person in private. Maybe I just like
want to be who I am at all times. Like
maybe I want more. And Bob is like wow
turning into a cucumber and getting put
inside Emily has made you real selfish.
Like
what a sentiment.
Yeah.
Yes. He's like this whole No. Like,
stop. Don't question these things. Like,
we can no longer [ __ ] around as
vegetables if you're going to question
these things.
At no point have I known what you were
going to say next to me.
Yeah, that's fair. But there is
something about the idea of being like
if turning into a cucumber at night is
giving you an existential crisis during
the day like we can't do this anymore.
There's something about that sentiment
that is just
sending me well. And it's interesting
how quickly they vacasillate, right?
Because as soon as they turned in to
produce, they were like, maybe this is a
gift from God. And then as soon as this
has all happened and like he had a bad
sermon in front of the bishop, Bob's
like, "Maybe God sent the bishop here as
a warning." Like, "No, you can't have
both. You can't have that." It's like
both a gift from God and you're now
being warned against engaging in it.
You need to decide. Is this a test or is
this a gift?
Yeah.
Yes. And Larry's asking Bob like not to
shut this down and like not to like step
away from it.
Bob saying he like doesn't want all of
this to ruin them. I'm like, Bob, you're
so [ __ ] dramatic.
Yeah, he's being the pity party. And
Larry's just leaning into it. Just
embracing those carnal desires.
Larry's energy is far more like, you
know, everyone has a bad Sunday. Oh
well. Like, and Bob's like, "This is a
sign that we can no longer let Emily rub
us against herself when she when we are
vegetables and not able to move our
bodies outside of vibrate for her
pleasure,
right?
And Larry's like, "What's for lunch?"
Is it tomatoes?
Because Larry would be into that.
And as this is escal, like in this tense
moment, Larry ends up kissing Bob. Bob
returns the kiss. They have this like
very emotional kiss and then Bob runs
out. As I said, Bob kind of runs out
like a [ __ ]
Yeah.
Several time. I'm like, I want great
things for Bob in life and I need him to
stop running out of the room when things
get hard.
Seriously.
Yes.
Well, and it's like, you know, if you
are an internal processor and you need
time, you can say, "I need time to
process. I promise I'm going to like
we're going to address it though." Like,
and then you step away if that's what
you need to do.
Yeah. Um Bob's response instead and so
we're actually about to switch to
Emily's perspective. Emily's really
annoyed and it's related to Bob because
Bob just slid a note under her door that
was like, "Hey, like this arrangement is
done. Signed Bob and Larry." Signed for
both of them.
Yeah. Which Larry had nothing to do with
it.
Yes. So like Emily's out in the garden
annoyed cuz like they haven't even said
anything to her. He just like slipped a
note under the door.
Feels like the priestly equivalent of a
breakup text.
Yes.
1,000%. So she's annoyed, but she does
like hear guitar music or something. So
she like starts wandering and following
the music and finds Larry in the woods
playing Everybody Wants a Water Buffalo.
Mhm.
Yours is fast but mine is slow.
Yeah. That wasn't the line that they had
in the book in a way that I'm like I
don't recognize the line. Like everybody
wants a water buffalo. Yours is fast but
mine is slow. Where' they come from? I
don't know. Everybody wants
took my water took my buffalo to a
store, got his tail stuck in a door.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot about that
one. Yeah.
Silly songs with Larry, man.
Yeah. So good. YouTube it if you're not
familiar, right?
Yeah. I would say I would say you're
welcome. But
it's going to be weirder. You're going
to make this is what they were
referencing.
Yeah,
it is. It is gonna be significantly
weirder. So,
if you don't have the trauma to go along
with it, it makes no sense.
First,
did I say I wish I had told you to pause
and go check out Silly Songs with Larry
before we continue the episode so you'd
have some context.
Well, and like there's even like she's
like, "Oh, like do you like enjoy
writing songs?" Like, "Yeah, I'd love to
have like silly songs with Laurent on
like Sundays at like the church or the
kids in the future."
Y heard.
Yep.
But also Larry can tell she's in a bit
of a mood and she's like,
"Well, yeah, getting a signed letter
that all this is done is like not a
great way that this could have been."
And Larry's like, "What? I Bob freaking
a like I had no idea." So like we
Larry's very quick to be like, "I did
not sign my name on that letter. That
was all Bob. I know nothing about this.
I continue to consent."
Yes, he continues to consent in a real
way. Um because like within about 20
seconds it escalates where Emily's like,
"Well, if Bob I know like Bob seems like
Bob is if Bob weren't in charge and you
were in charge, how would you handle
this situation?" And he's like, "I'd
start by kissing you." Yes, of course.
Of course. That's the logical.
We've reached the moment.
Don't speak about it. Be about it.
Yep.
It escalates. He ends up eating her out
in the woods. They then raw dog it and
then afterwards he realizes like she's
like, "I just [ __ ] a priest and not as
a cucumber. Like I just [ __ ] an actual
priest."
Yeah.
Yeah, baby girl, you did. Like you
you didn't realize that until after.
Like you He's not a cucumber right now.
I thought it was obvious that he wasn't
a cucumber right now.
Yeah, she's not dreaming. He's not
unzipping pants and there's a cucumber
down there. This is real.
I got to say that like
without um
interference from substances. I can't
say that I've ever been like, "Oh, I
just did that." in a sexual context like
specifically like
right well I think it's more of like
like it feels like the natural
progression and then afterward she's
like oh right
you know he wasn't a cucumber
now that you mention it
he had five not five 10 fingers and 10
toes
I was like five What?
The pause on your face like nope.
I just straight up did not finish a book
where the guy was cursed and so his dick
had four heads on it and I was like if
you're about what are you saying to me?
I was like I was all buckled up and
ready. You can't do that.
I have questions. I really hated it. So
I only made it like 17% in. Oh 17% in
and he already had a foreheaded dick.
Yeah.
Mhm. Okay. As someone who's never had a
penis, Weston.
Yes.
Does that sound intriguing to you as a
dude? Or are you like, "No, that sounds
like
a nightmare and a half."
Yeah. Nightmare and a half. Are you
kidding me?
I didn't even get to a sex scene to be
like, "Do how do they all What where do
you put them all? Like, what are you
doing?"
Logistically, we have questions.
I was like, "I don't care enough to find
out." So,
as a fantasy, you're like, "Oh, yeah, I
could pleasure four women at the same
time." But then physically, like that,
no.
You're like, "I'm just trying to shoot
into one urinal."
You're like the sprinkler they used to
put in the yard for kids to like
You were born for the trough at baseball
stadiums.
You're just in there alphaing every dude
just like check it four streams.
Yeah, you're definitely not waiting like
you either are waiting for a stall in
shame where you're like I just need to
do this in private or you're like hey
everybody look at my foreheaded dick
intimidation stations.
Yes,
I needed to have the alpha status of
this restroom.
Truest park.
Men are weird creatures.
Okay, confirm.
Cuz in that situation, I'll be a beta.
Thank you. I don't feel the need for the
alpha designation. I got to be honest.
Fair enough.
If it requires a foreheaded penis. Real
talk, if I can increase the flow by four
times though and get out of the bathroom
in like 10 seconds, that sounds kind
kind of great though.
Okay. From a utilitarian standpoint, I
understand the draw,
right?
Yeah. Um, but from a practical
logistical standpoint,
everything else is negative.
Yeah, for sure.
Imagine having a Jacob's ladder piercing
Oh.
on a foreheaded dick.
Now you've got eight streams.
[Laughter]
That's a Prince Albert.
That's a different
Prince Albert. You're right.
I don't know why. I was like,
you can't. It just becomes a Prince
Albert.
That's a Prince Albert. You're right.
Okay. So, into Pounded by Pro
10 fingers and one a oneheaded penis.
One a Yes.
So grateful to have established.
Well, and like they like finish having
sex and she realizes she [ __ ] a
priest. And that's just like kind of
where the scene ends. We're now switched
back to Bob's perspective. He's in his
office, hasn't really talked to Emily
since he slid the note under her door,
but is looking out his office window and
sees her like trying to jump up into a
tree for something and then starts to
see her climbing the tree and is like,
"What? No, she's going to hurt herself.
How could she do that? Let me run out
and make sure she's safe."
Bob's kind of annoying in that way.
Um, and so he like rushes out to like
scold her and help her. And then he
tells her, he's like, "Okay, take a step
back onto this branch." She misses the
branch, falls into his arms, falls onto
him, they fall onto the ground, and then
he climbs the tree for her. Her hat blew
off in the wind. It blew into the tree.
He's climbing the tree for her hat.
Okay.
She's very impressed with his tree
climbing abilities.
Yes.
What we all look for in a mate.
Yes. Now, what I will say is this is
seems like there is a little moment
between them because she's like, "Wow,
like you're really good at this." He's
like, "It's one of my hobbies like tree
climbing." She's like, "Really?" And
he's like, I was being a little
facicious. He's like, "Woodworking is
one of my hobbies." And he's like, "What
are your hobbies?" And she's like, "Oh,
actually like I don't really think I
have any." And like gives him a little
bit of context into like the
relationship she escaped from and just
kind of figuring out her footing. Um,
but then Bob is like suddenly like, "I
need to apologize. We took advantage of
you. We were supposed to be authority
figures as like priests and like we took
advantage of you." And Emily's like,
"Bob, you turned into into a tomato and
I rubbed you on my [ __ ] Like, be so for
real right now. Like, you you did not
take advantage
of anything. Like, be so for real, man.
He took advantage
of me.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And something about Emily just looking
at the priest like be so for real right
now, man. Like
like verbatim quote. It was so good.
That's very good.
No, you did not take advantage of me. I
rubbed you against my person when you
were a tomato.
And then he's like, well, like you can
trust, like Bob's like, trust me,
nothing will happen again. And Emily's
like, "Well, what if something already
has happened again?" Because she did
already [ __ ] Larry out in the woods. Bob
didn't see that coming. Is not thrilled
about the turn of turn of events and
gets very like grabs her and he's like,
"Well, what happened? Tell me what
happened."
Yeah. Bob's jealous.
Yeah. Like Bob is very jealous,
demanding clarification.
And Emily's like, "Why would you get
angry at me for messing around with the
love of your life?"
Oh. Hey, [ __ ] you, Emily. Way to come.
Emily's like, "I have so had enough.
Let me tell you about yourself."
Seriously, like respect to Emily. She
started off like, "I don't know what I'm
doing in my life." And now she's calling
these guys out for their [ __ ] It's
great.
I like it.
Well, and she also asked, she's like,
"Who are you jealous of? Like, who are
like what?"
And then Bob kind of realizes he's like,
"Oh, I'm not jealous of one or the
other." He's like, "I just feel left
out." M
um
FOMO.
Yes. And so then he bite like goes to
kiss her, bites her lip really hard to
the point that she like pushes him back
and like screams a little and he's like
no more and walks away.
Yeah. See, Bob's a [ __ ]
Yeah, Bob. But also like once again,
true to canon.
Yeah.
Way to go, GM Fairy. Can't fault you.
Like this was not lazy research. She
nailed it. I know. I'm like, this is how
I feel like Bob would respond
and how Larry would respond.
Yeah.
Emily can't sleep that night, you know,
which makes sense. There's a lot going
on. She goes to the chapel. She decides
to go into the confessional for like the
first time in her life because she's
never been a religious person and is
just like talking out loud telling God
about the two hot priests and just like
what wishes someone would tell her what
to do and how to move forward.
And then the door opens and Bob's
standing there.
He's back.
I'll tell you what to do.
Exactly.
Not even I'll tell you what to do. On
your knees.
There it is.
Yep.
Yep. And Emily's like, "Say less
tomato."
Texas size 104, bud.
Yeah,
you're [ __ ] 10fly, bud.
He is. He then just like pretty much
face [ __ ] her. She's super into it.
She's rubbing herself off while he's
face [ __ ] her. And once again, he
comes down her throat and then goes,
"Never again." And just runs off into
the night again. I'm like, "Bob, Bob,
be so for real right now, Bob.
Yeah.
And then we learn her perspective and
she was so into it.
I'm sure.
Oh, yeah.
So into it.
Well, and also you're sitting there
being like, I this man just came down my
throat. I've just come and now I'm just
sitting here catching my breath as he
takes off in a chapel.
Yeah. Yeah.
Lesson learned. Communicate, Bob. ask a
question because then you learn no,
she's into it and all your problems are
solved,
right?
Yeah. A lot of a lot of his problems are
solved by knowing that it's mutual. It's
like God save us for men trying to save
us. Like we got it like
Yes. So now it's what probably like the
next night. I don't know. Time's fluid.
Yeah. Yeah. There's it's not great
detail.
And you know what?
Who cares?
We don't need it. We're we're not
lacking it, but we're It's Emily's
perspective and she once again is like
calling a dinner meeting to be like,
"Hey, we got to clear the air, figure
this all out." Um, and so Larry starts
off and is like looks at Bob's like, "I
asked Emily if you knew that we fucked."
And Bob's like, "Did she tell you that
we fucked?" And Emily's kind of like,
"Okay, stop." Like we we we didn't
technically [ __ ] you came down my
throat
if we're going to split hairs. Right.
But I think the the funniest part about
all of this is that after Bob's like,
"Did she tell you we fucked?" They can
they both confirm that it happened when
they were humans and not vegetable.
They're like human, right? Like Yeah.
Yeah. All right. Cool.
But I mean that is important in noting
that like
Yeah, it is.
The relationship has moved to the next
level.
Yes. It has progressed for sure.
We're all active participants.
Larry is wanting to continue this
arrangement.
Bob says no. Emily is annoyed at Bob for
trying to choose for them all.
Um
and Larry's like, "Okay, well, like I if
you want to stay and like keeps like I
can leave and like be with Emily sort of
energy."
Yeah.
And Bob's like, "Okay, then leave."
Larry's like, "So you'd be okay with
like watching me make her mine?" and
then decides to like start progressing
that in general like goes over starts
like playing with her boobs like putting
his hand down her pants and then it
suddenly escalates to the point where
like Bob is watching them. He now has
his dick out of his pants and is
masturbating watching them.
Larry now has Emily bent over the table
as he's [ __ ] her. They're all about
to reach the inevitable conclusion of
the scene.
Does Gail show up?
Gail does show up. Yeah.
Count it. And is mortified. End of
chapter.
They hear a scream. And you'd initially
be like, "Yeah, of course you scream.
It's the end of the orgasm." Like, "Oh,
no. It's Gail.
It's Gail."
What was that book? Uh, Altered by Fire
where the nun died. She walked in on
them having an orgy and the nun had a
heart attack.
I mean, they were [ __ ] her with the
prayer candle. on the alter.
On the altar.
Yeah.
That she was tied to.
Yeah. With their vestments.
They weren't real priest in that one. In
that one, they were like undercover like
spies or something.
Spies or mercenaries or something who
were pretending to be priests to keep an
eye on this
one villain. Yeah. who's then his
daughter happened to come seek refuge in
the church and then just starts she was
seeking refuge after her dad killed her
boyfriend while they were [ __ ] he
like shot him in the head while they
were [ __ ] so she goes to seek refuge
at the church and then just [ __ ] the
four fake priests.
Yeah,
you're welcome. You don't need to read
it now.
Thank god it listen to the episode. It
is an episode if you if you do want to
go back and hear it in its entirety. But
a nurse, not a nurse, a nun, very
different. The nun needed a nurse
because when she showed up, um, she was
a bit taken back that they were [ __ ]
her with the prayer candle
and she died.
And she and she died of shock.
She died.
The end.
The end. That's all you need to know.
So now it's like the next day.
They're not priests anymore. They're
just normal men now.
Yep.
Bishop Archable has been called
took off the
collars.
Yep.
They did.
Um, which
technically they're trials in a month.
Go for it. What were you going to say?
Take a guess. We obviously hear both of
their perspectives. We hear Larry's. We
hear Bob's. Take a guess on what Larry's
perspective is and what Bob's
perspective is.
Larry is probably like, "Cool beans. Get
to be with Emily. All right, let's see
what happens next.
I'm enjoying myself.
And Bob is probably more We're being
punished by the Lord for defiling
whatever.
Yes.
Yeah.
And what does Bob want to do?
End it.
Oh, that got darker. Join a monastery.
No, not not his life. a relationship.
And Bob was served with some lovely bara
and balsamic vinegar at the end.
And then the tomato got involuntarily
hospitalized.
They had margarita pizza in Bob's
memory. Oh my god. I'm sorry. I'm so
sorry. No, I really meant the
relationship.
Okay. Okay.
Bob just wants to end it all. The
relationship.
Yes. And he wants to move to a monastery
and become a monk. He's leaving
tomorrow.
Yes. Also,
what monasteries accept new monks that
quickly?
Right.
The ones that I Yeah. I don't know.
Plot holes be plot hole.
Yeah.
Yeah. That's I have I take bigger issue
with how quickly he got accepted into a
new monastery over the fact that he
turned into a tomato
apparently.
So I stand fallen down a hole of history
YouTube random weirdness.
Okay.
And I just have it on most of the time.
And I learned so much about a guy named
the venerable bead who was from like the
sixth or seventh century and he was a
monk and his parents just dropped him
off at the monastery when he was seven
and that's how he became a monk. So I'm
like it was different back then.
Like that's what families would do. They
would choose one child to give to the
church. And so the venerable bead was
left when he was seven at a monastery.
But also what's like fascinating in that
situation is like the way you just said
it being like the family chooses one.
Like it's an honor, right? Like you're
like gifting and like offering your
child. It's not like a
oh
he wouldn't shut up so we just dropped
him off at the local monaster. No. No.
It's not like that. No. Um, yeah. It's
super interesting though. That is
the general bead.
Yep. Most of what we know about like the
Romans in Britain comes from bead.
Interesting.
Mhm.
Huh. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. I'll have to learn
more about that. Off pod.
Yeah.
I'll send you a link. So, while Bob is
now like, I'm joining a monastery.
Larry's like, you're being ridiculous.
Like, this like does not have to be how
it is. Like Larry's like, "We can all be
together. Like there's nothing stopping
us. Like we are all flesh and blood at
this point." Right.
Right. Consenting adults and all that.
Um Bob is spiraling and he's like,
"Well, like I can't choose between you
and Emily and I like don't want to hurt
anyone else." And like Larry was once
getting kind of like no one's no one's
asking you like you aren't getting this
situation.
Right. Right. Right.
Um
nobody said choose my guy.
Yeah. And so Larry's like, "No, like we
all feel it. Like you're you're not
getting this." And Larry kisses him
again.
Bob escalates it very quickly. While
Larry starts to kiss, Bob takes Larry's
dick out pretty immediately and starts
like jacking him off. Larry then takes
Bob's dick out. So they're just like
making out, standing there jacking each
other off.
Larry once again has some dirty talk. Uh
they both orgasm and then once again
Bob shuts down. Yeah.
Rolls away.
Yeah.
[Music]
It's very much a dream come true for the
boys.
They wanted this for a while.
Well, but Larry's also like like
declares his love like asks him to stay
and Bob is like I'm joining the
monastery. You will move beyond this.
Yeah.
And just like shuts it down. But it was
very sweet the way he said it. He's
like, "This was never about God. This
was about you. Like, I wanted to be with
you." And it was like, "Oh my god,
dinner."
And but yeah, and then Bob was like,
"No." And throws his fit and goes away.
Yeah.
I hope they gave him a stupid bowl cut
at the monastery.
Frier Bob.
Yes.
I'm just imagining a tomato with a
really long like stem.
Oh my god. Do you are you familiar with
the band Electric Callboy? They're a
really ridiculous German metal core, but
they do like techno metal fusion [ __ ]
There's one video called We Got the
Moves where they're all wearing black
wigs that just are a literal bowl cut.
every single member of the band and then
as people show up to like rage at this
party that they're having, everybody
suddenly is has the same wig on
and it's literally exactly what you're
describ. It's just black. It's so good.
Even the mini horse they had in it had
the hair. It's very highly recommend. We
got the moves electric boy. It's very
good.
I remember seeing a thing for some party
or event a long time ago where it was
the same height party and on the walls
they had like different it almost looked
like the moon shoes from but they had
them in like whatever height was needed.
So like it seemed as whoever was the
tallest person there everyone was
calibrated to like the same height. I
was like what a fascinating concept.
I would break my ankle and die. I mean,
the shoe a cool 53. Like
the shoes were like pretty large like
like moon shoe base platforms on each
foot. Like they're not handing out like
9 in stilettos. I mean like you got
this.
I'm imagining the actual moon shoes
where it's like the blades on the bottom
where you bounce. I was like I'd die
like
Yeah.
Especially if there's alcohol at this
party.
You come here. I had a friend and we I
might just be talking about different
moon shoes cuz I know the blade ones
that you're talking about. My friends
almost looked like more like a mini
trampoline.
No, there were several forms.
Okay. I was like because as soon as you
said I was like, "Oh my god, those were
also I forgot how many
but there were so many weird bouncy shoe
options. So many more than was
necessary."
It's a miracle any of us have intact
ankles.
Well, mine does click a lot. If
You're like, "It shouldn't make that
sound."
So,
back to Emily. She's wandering through
the woods, lowkey really just avoiding
Gail at this point. She's like, "Don't
want to don't want to see her. That's
going to be an awkward conversation."
And suddenly in the woods, the old witch
woman with the boil in the cloak
appears. Uh,
and she and Emily's like a little taken
back at first and the woman's like, "No,
like I can help you with your priest or
maybe I should say like your your
produce pals."
She's like, "Wait, what?
Produce pals."
Emily's like, "Wait, what?" Yeah. You
know about the produce. Uhhuh.
Yeah. And she's like, "Oh, yeah." And
then repeated the
the incantation. Yes.
Then the witch goes on to explain that
they're all destined for each other.
that like this was like the universe
bringing them together. And at one point
Emily's like, "Well, why didn't I turn
into a fruit and the witch is like, "You
didn't need it." Like,
can we talk about my favorite quote from
the book?
Absolutely.
She looks at her and says, "Your destiny
isn't over, child."
And then immediately I started singing,
"Say my name."
I was like, "You shoehorned in a
Destiny's child joke in there. Well
done, Je." Okay.
I was like, "Who says that?" Anyway,
that's an over child.
Cowboy Carter was just in Atlanta
at the time of this recording.
Well, you're not wrong. That is true.
Um, the witch also explains that they
turn into
Bob and Larry would turn into veggies
whenever the three were together. And uh
one would be able to admit their desires
while the others would deny it. So like
that was the catalyst to what would turn
them
to vegetables
or fruit rather cuz they had seeds.
Yeah.
Clearly. All right.
Sorry. There's no breeding kink in this
one. There is
no breeding kink in this one.
I I've said that with hope more than
confidence.
There's no breeding kink in this one.
There's no breeding kink in this one,
right?
Please don't. Please don't confirm.
No breeding.
No, there's there's no produce
production kink in this one.
So that night, Robert is almost done
with all of his tasks
cuz, you know, he's leaving for the
monastery the next day.
Got to fold up the robes. Make sure
they're ironed. Steamed perhaps,
right? Write a letter to the next
priest. Make sure your rope belt thing
is properly coiled.
I don't know how you store that in
luggage.
No, I'm not luggage. You don't need to
take it with you. You're leaving it for
the next one. You're not taking that
with you.
Yeah, the monks will have the uniform
there.
The monks know.
Yeah,
they've got scissors. I'm like, you
supply your own rope. Obviously,
your own rope.
They have the bowl for the cut. B Y O R
is on their application.
So, Robert decides that he's going to go
and like finally say goodbye to Emily
and clear the air cuz he still hasn't
talked to her since all of this went
down
cuz he's a little bit of a punk ass
[ __ ]
You get it? When he gets outside her
door, Larry's already standing there.
Um, and when Emily opens the door, upon
hearing them and seeing them both
standing there, they both just turn into
vegetables
out of nowhere. She opens the door and
they just turn into vegetables.
And she looks at them is like, "You you
two are ridiculous." She like brings
them into her room. That's actually kind
of relatable a little bit. Like, you are
just ridicul. Come back.
Yes. But now that she like has some
additional context, she like tells them
that she loves them, confesses her
feelings, and then Robert realizing he
feels the same um feels his body
vibrate, and then suddenly they're in
their human forms again. So the him like
recognizing his feelings and them all
being able to actually own their
feelings breaks the
spell, curse,
random quote that she told them.
Sure.
Yeah. whatever it was.
Yeah. Right. It's giving um Beauty and
the Beast
very much a little bit. You know, the
weird the creepy lady in the cloak comes
and like gives you a curse and you have
to acknowledge your true love or
whatever.
Where you'll be turned into a beast
who's objectively a lot hotter than you
were as a prince. And that's something
you do have to reconcile
more. Yeah.
Tell me you grew up in the '90s without
telling me
that man shrank three feet. You're
telling me she's still attracted to him?
Like,
we can just be friends.
I'm so grateful that I could help you in
your time of need and I'm so grateful to
continue to be your friend as you make
this transition.
I'm glad that Mrs. Pots can now take
care of all of her children again, but
I'm a go.
Got to get back to my books.
Love you. Bye. So, this declaration of
love, them all now being human, um, is
really their time for their solidifying
[ __ ] in the book. It finally happens. We
have our solidifying [ __ ]
where everybody's human,
everyone is human. Bob wants Larry to
[ __ ] him while Bob is [ __ ] Emily. So,
like, we're already starting to work
through some
different dreams and visions that we've
had of this that we have been
repressing. And now that we're no longer
repressing, we're going to experience
and enjoy all of them.
Find your friend combos. Yikes.
Yep. That was bad.
Just imagining a shuderie board.
Oh god.
Jesus.
So the next morning,
anyway, we're moving on.
You know, Jesus was never depicted in
the Veggie Tales.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I saw the interview
with the guy
because the creator's mom was like, "You
can't have Jesus be a vegetable." She
was like, "You
like it's sacrilegious to portray that."
So that's why everything was the Old
Testament.
Abraham and David just fine. Pick a pick
a vegetable.
Jesus
line in the sand.
I do get that logic though some,
right?
Yeah.
So the next morning
We're all in agreement. I like Yeah,
totally makes sense. Yeah. Mhm.
The next morning, um, Emily goes out
into the kitchen. Gail is in the
kitchen. Gail is surprisingly cool in
chill.
Gail's a [ __ ] hang.
Yes.
Was like I was I wanted to not like Gail
and Gail's like, "No, you're fine."
Like, just
she's like, "Honestly, good for you.
Explore what you want to explore." Like,
okay, Gail.
Yeah. Gail's like, "I've been I've been
here for a while. It's clear that
they've loved each other this whole
time. Like
Gail's awesome.
Yeah. Gail's like, "It really looks like
y'all were having a great time." Like,
okay. So, love that. That's where we end
our our saga of Gail because I really,
you know, I thought the same. I thought
like I was bracing myself for a negative
conversation. And I appreciated the
like,
hey, there's no judgment. Believe it or
not, I'm not called to judge you. I'm
just called to show up and like love
you,
right? Oh wow, what a con.
Mind my own business.
Gail does also mention to them that
right down the street from the parish is
a produce farm for sale
and they do all need something to do
now. Correct.
So like that's where the book ends is
the three of them have bought the
produce farm. The Bob and Larry decided
that they wanted it to be a cucumber and
tomato farm exclusively. And Bob gets to
work on his woodworking hobby.
Yeah.
And they all just get to live their life
together and be together.
Yeah.
All right. And that is the end of of
Pounded by Produce. There is there's a
lot of pounding. It's like less than 200
pages and I'd say a solid hundred of
them at least
without question.
Yeah.
So much detail. Like I know when people
are like, "Oh, like smut versus spice."
This one definitely This is
smut. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. This was a probably a 2hour read
and I had to break it up a little bit
because there were lols of how many
times it's like, "Oh, you're just going
into way too much detail here."
Right.
Which I respect. Like, paint me a
picture.
Right. Right. Right. Right.
But give me time to cool off before you
paint the next picture.
Yeah. And sometimes there wasn't time to
cool off. We just jump into the next
picture.
Dive right in.
Sometimes we need a little bit more of a
refractory period. Like chill out.
Do cucumbers need Never mind.
No one has the answer to that question.
I didn't finish.
They do need a cooling off period.
Maybe not a refractory one though.
Um
Helena Hunting's Toronto Terror hockey
series.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Did you read the first one in the series
with with the cucumber?
No.
Yeah. There he bites the cucumber. He
puts it. It's a it adds some riging for
her pleasure. Um but like then like
books later, she's getting they're
getting married and another character is
like planning the wedding and it's like
that character story and um
cucumber salad.
Yeah. Like at the wedding, they're like,
"Oh, we have like a cucumber salad." And
everyone in the wedding party is
giggling and everyone else is like,
"Why?"
And not that Bob and Larry and Emily are
all getting married because I do think a
uh
polyamorous wedding might still be
beyond where we are society right now.
Sure. Well, and in the universe created
by GM Fairy.
True.
I viewed that as our current universe. I
have no questions about them.
Yeah,
they're just happy on their produce
farm.
Yeah,
they don't need a ceremony.
No,
they're fine.
When it's a ceremony, when you've got
produce,
right?
Wow.
Danny DeVito would absolutely officiate
though.
Oh,
can you imagine?
Like another great option to officiate
Bill Murray.
Yes.
Oh, do you know the story about him in
the ketchup? No.
Oh, it might be a tall tale. I don't
know.
Okay. But
I mean, the Bill Mur Murray lore at this
point. You could tell me anything to
make that sounds like Bill.
So much great lore. But apparently there
was somebody eating at a restaurant in
New York City.
Bill Murray walks up to this guy's
table, takes a French fry, dips it in
ketchup, eats it, and goes, "No one will
ever believe you." And walks away.
That's true.
It's got to be true, right? Like I want
it to be true. Well, I saw I saw photos
from the time that Bill Murray was at a
bar. Is that where you're about to
What What was he serving instead? Like
no matter what they ordered, he just
poured them like a shot of vodka. He
just like walked behind the bar and
started bartending. Okay.
So, he was known not recently, but in
like the early as in the 2010s for
showing up at College of Charleston
house parties because he lived in
Charleston, South Carolina. So, you
never knew on like a random Thursday
night at a frat party, Bill Murray might
show up.
[ __ ] rules.
Like, he might just be there.
Well, cuz I like he like literally went
behind a bar like
and no matter what No, this was like
this one wasn't a house cuz this one was
like an actual actual real bar and no
matter what anyone ordered, he poured
them.
I think it was a bar in Mount Pleasant
if I'm remembering correctly. you I mean
at this point you could tell me the bar
was anywhere. I'm not really fixated on
the location so much as he seemed to be.
So every summer I spent in Charleston on
the aisle of Palms or Mount Pleasant
growing up
growing
every single summer cuz my grandparents
lived in North Charleston.
Yeah. And my grandparents currently live
in North Charleston.
It's fantastic. Um, and so I grew up on
stories about Bill Murray doing weird
[ __ ] in the summer
around.
Unfortunately, I don't even think it's
just summer.
No, I know. But
and I think like cuz like the lore right
when he's But I'm like the stories that
come up I'm like Bill's just living his
life.
Yeah. He just doesn't give a [ __ ]
Well, like
in a good way. Last I heard, he still
had a flip phone and like you if you
wanted him in your movie, you had to get
the number to his flip phone, leave him
a voicemail, and if he was interested,
he would call you back. It was like
something like that.
The lore.
What a way to achieve that level of
success though, right? to be like, "If
you can figure out my number
and leave me a voicemail,
perhaps
you can seven to 10 business months, I
will call you back."
Yeah, I do wonder how long it takes him.
I was like, "So, when does he call you
back? Is that like when he feels like
it?"
Are these projects time sensitive? I do
have questions.
Okay. All that said though,
yes.
What is our rating system for today? M
produce as a whole.
I don't feel like we can separate the
cucumbers from the
water buffaloos. Oh, water buffaloos.
Rubber ducky sweaters.
That might Okay. Rubber ducky sweaters.
Rubber ducky sweaters. Feels good.
How many sweaters are we out of, Weston?
Out of 10.
Okay. All right.
10 feels great.
10 rubber ducky sweaters.
I'm going to give it a solid seven.
Seven rubber ducky sweaters. Like I was
I found like even the even the old witch
I was like, you know what? You kind of
served a great purpose. You got them to
where they needed to be as people.
Sure.
You had to turn them into vegetables.
Growth.
Yeah.
But you got there. Big fan.
I agree. I feel like if someone told me
that we were going to do an episode on
Veggie Tail smut, I would have assumed
it would likely have a low rating. But I
feel like
GM Fairy really is out there just
healing religious trauma. It's some like
it's ridiculous. It's fun, but I agree.
Like I'd say like probably about seven
ducky sweaters. It's just I mean here
it's not going to win awards.
Correct.
And it might heal you. Um
it was it lazy. It meets you where you
are. It throws a little call back in.
Well, and it's interesting because I was
thinking if the only love interest was
Bob, I'd hate it. But like Larry sort of
balances him out in a way that's like
makes him a little more endearing in a
way where you guys were describing it.
So like it did sound kind of fun.
Yeah. If it was only Bob just like
leaving after every tense scene, it
would not have been a a great review. I
think
reading Bob trying to reconcile this
was like an interesting take while also
being like we're reconciling a
ridiculous thing.
Like all right, bud.
Yes.
Um but overarchingly very fun. GM Fairy
set out with a very clear intention and
nailed it.
She absolutely nailed it.
Yeah. would I would recommend for those
that are like, you know what, I do have
a little bit of religious trauma.
Yeah, for sure. I've been calling her
godmother fairy in my mind
this whole time.
Not General Motors fairy.
General Motors fairy, which was my
initial reaction. No, godmother fairy.
Godmother fairy.
Um, well, and as we found out earlier,
Godmother Fairy also has some Shrek
smut, so that might be visited in the
future.
In my swamp. Jesus.
Yes, that is the title of the book. I'm
not being disgusting.
I mean,
I'm being a little disgusting.
Two things can be true at the same time.
Yeah,
it's called a dialectic. Look it up.
It depends on how much eye contact you
make at any given moment when you say
it.
And here's the thing. We had no eye
contact when you said get in my swamp.
So, it didn't make me feel that weird.
Um, if we if you say it again and we
make eye contact, it will. So, I'm not
I'm just going to look at Hannah and not
you.
I'm not going to look at anything.
And I'm also just not going to say it
when I look at you either.
I was going to say I almost did it and
then was like I did. We both each other
and I could tell we both of us went get
in my swamp.
I was like actually I don't want to
because it's somehow worse as a woman to
say that. It feels worse to me.
I don't want to do that.
Swamp ass.
It's not good for any gender.
Cuz I said it and then I was like, "Wait
a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute."
So anyway, on that note,
listen,
thank you Godmother Fairy for Counted My
Produce.
Okay, all that said, seven out of 10
rubber ducky handk knit sweaters.
Let us know how many rubber ducky
sweaters or water buffalo. Choose your
own rating adventure you would choose
for this. Um, let us know what you'd
like us to review next.
Yep. Like, subscribe, share with your
friends.
Yes.
And once again, we are a little bit
sorry if if this is a if you have no
idea about anything Veggie Tales and
this episode is leaving you with more
questions than answers. Feel free to DM
us if that's the situation as well. We
can send you links for, you know, Sport
Utility Vehicle, for Barbara the
Manatee,
a myriad of others.
I will.
And you'll still have questions, but
you'll be in good company while you have
them. And on that note, see you next
time, smuts [ __ ]
Bye, smart puppies.
Well, that's it for this week, Smart
[ __ ] We hope it was good for you cuz
it sure was great for us. If you're
digging what we're doing, it would mean
a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and
review the show wherever you're
listening right now. Maybe tell that
sexy someone to lend us an ear. We love
you. We appreciate you. And we'll see
you next week. Stay smutty.
[Music]