WEBVTT NOTE This file was generated by Descript 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.910 Hey, this is Mark Butler. 00:00:00.910 --> 00:00:05.570 And you are listening to a podcast for coaches coming to you seated today. 00:00:05.960 --> 00:00:09.950 Normally when I record these things, I angle the microphone up. 00:00:09.969 --> 00:00:12.939 I bend the microphone arm up so I can stand and I can. 00:00:13.750 --> 00:00:15.960 Wave my arms around and I can pace a little bit. 00:00:16.030 --> 00:00:20.660 And I imagine it would make for a funny video, but today I have to be seated. 00:00:20.720 --> 00:00:24.690 I don't have to be seated, but I have this foot injury and I have 00:00:24.690 --> 00:00:29.240 one of those boots on my foot right now that makes me walk funny. 00:00:30.200 --> 00:00:33.500 And I probably have to have surgery and I'm annoyed by it. 00:00:33.530 --> 00:00:35.900 And I'm a little bit sulky and pouty about it. 00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:39.000 And that's actually relevant to today's call. 00:00:39.720 --> 00:00:41.869 But if the episode sounds very different. 00:00:43.175 --> 00:00:45.655 It might be because I'm seated instead of standing. 00:00:46.384 --> 00:00:49.864 And if it doesn't sound very different than maybe I'll sit forever 00:00:49.864 --> 00:00:53.528 because, because, Hey, if we can be seated and get the same result, 00:00:53.728 --> 00:00:55.418 let's just sit down and relax. 00:00:56.188 --> 00:00:56.528 Okay. 00:00:57.457 --> 00:01:00.044 A few episodes ago, I talked about ethics and coaching 00:01:00.044 --> 00:01:01.996 through the eyes of the coach. 00:01:01.996 --> 00:01:06.127 I talked about how I want to approach my clients, and our interactions 00:01:06.127 --> 00:01:07.627 and our work together in a way that. 00:01:08.987 --> 00:01:17.007 Builds trust and rapport builds connection respects the agency of the client and 00:01:17.987 --> 00:01:24.227 Just keeps the coaching relationship on good footing so that it's Got the best 00:01:24.227 --> 00:01:30.267 possible chance of being productive and positive for the client Today's episode 00:01:30.447 --> 00:01:36.912 is The other side of that conversation where I want clients, including myself 00:01:36.912 --> 00:01:41.372 as a client, I want all of us to take a kind and an ethical approach to 00:01:41.402 --> 00:01:43.762 ourselves as we engage with coaching. 00:01:44.862 --> 00:01:47.972 In a little over half my coaching calls this week, which was a busy 00:01:47.972 --> 00:01:51.982 week, a busy coaching week in a little over half of those coaching calls. 00:01:53.432 --> 00:01:57.572 I really felt strongly that one of the things the client 00:01:57.602 --> 00:01:59.732 needed to shift was just. 00:02:00.857 --> 00:02:04.027 To be nicer to themselves, 00:02:05.177 --> 00:02:11.997 experiencing coaching or therapy as a client is not easy stuff. 00:02:12.597 --> 00:02:17.457 We end up in those rooms, physical or virtual,, because something's 00:02:17.457 --> 00:02:21.047 going on in her life and maybe has been for a long time. 00:02:21.992 --> 00:02:27.032 That isn't feeling good and that we want to change and so coaching is this 00:02:27.032 --> 00:02:32.222 environment in which we do self confront and Hopefully that's done with the help 00:02:32.252 --> 00:02:38.462 of a of a caring compassionate strong practitioner Who's there to be with us 00:02:38.462 --> 00:02:39.902 and to guide us through that process? 00:02:42.592 --> 00:02:45.282 But because of the nature of the work because of the nature of self 00:02:45.282 --> 00:02:50.852 confrontation if we have a habit or a tendency towards self criticism 00:02:51.262 --> 00:02:57.452 that has an angry edge to it, it's very likely that that's going 00:02:57.452 --> 00:02:59.862 to appear in coaching or therapy 00:03:01.322 --> 00:03:02.922 because it's habitual. 00:03:04.262 --> 00:03:06.682 And it's completely understandable, especially when you're dealing 00:03:06.682 --> 00:03:10.502 with people who hold themselves to a high standard in their lives. 00:03:10.952 --> 00:03:12.002 They're achievers. 00:03:12.022 --> 00:03:13.342 They get things done. 00:03:13.352 --> 00:03:14.642 They are helpers. 00:03:14.642 --> 00:03:16.022 They help other people. 00:03:16.022 --> 00:03:16.912 They start businesses. 00:03:16.912 --> 00:03:18.032 They do great in their jobs. 00:03:18.812 --> 00:03:23.052 They care a lot about their families and they support the people around them 00:03:23.052 --> 00:03:27.642 and they do all of these good things and that feels good to them and they like 00:03:27.642 --> 00:03:30.892 to hold themselves to a high standard and when they feel like they are falling 00:03:30.892 --> 00:03:37.432 short of a high standard, they might have a loud inner critic and sometimes 00:03:37.432 --> 00:03:39.692 that loud inner critic is really a jerk. 00:03:41.172 --> 00:03:42.462 But it's not them. 00:03:42.642 --> 00:03:44.102 It's the inner critic. 00:03:44.252 --> 00:03:50.557 There's a distinction between who I am and And that occasional or 00:03:50.557 --> 00:03:56.977 maybe frequent, really mean voice that starts to spout off in my head. 00:03:56.977 --> 00:04:03.817 And having worked with a bunch of clients over the years, that voice 00:04:03.837 --> 00:04:06.247 can be the voice of an unkind spouse. 00:04:06.247 --> 00:04:11.367 It can be the voice of an unkind parent can be the voice of somebody 00:04:11.367 --> 00:04:13.547 that we interacted a lot as a child. 00:04:14.567 --> 00:04:18.417 And then the voice kind of gets twisted and it gets ingrained and then 00:04:18.417 --> 00:04:24.667 it gets amplified and it very often starts to yell into a megaphone in 00:04:24.667 --> 00:04:29.797 the moments where we feel uncertain or we feel we've fallen short. 00:04:31.787 --> 00:04:37.517 And the place we go is I'm going to say a bunch of horrible things to myself. 00:04:38.697 --> 00:04:40.527 Let me give you an example from my own life. 00:04:41.907 --> 00:04:46.187 It relates to this dumb plastic boot that's on my left foot. 00:04:48.877 --> 00:04:54.107 In early February ish, that's about, I don't know, three months ago, I was 00:04:54.107 --> 00:04:56.247 not happy with how I'm doing food. 00:04:56.317 --> 00:04:57.357 I was eating too much. 00:04:57.387 --> 00:05:01.397 I was eating the things that were not contributing to feeling good to 00:05:01.407 --> 00:05:04.587 having my clothes fit the way I want my clothes to fit and et cetera. 00:05:05.167 --> 00:05:09.447 And so, I've got the tools and I've got some experience 00:05:09.447 --> 00:05:10.237 and I've got some knowledge. 00:05:10.247 --> 00:05:12.307 I know how to change those things. 00:05:12.357 --> 00:05:14.047 And so I started to change those things. 00:05:14.047 --> 00:05:19.167 And for the next six or seven weeks, I really got things moving 00:05:19.167 --> 00:05:23.047 in a new direction and my clothes started to fit differently. 00:05:23.067 --> 00:05:28.917 And yes, the number on the scale did change and I felt better. 00:05:28.917 --> 00:05:36.437 And then this injury to my foot, which is longterm, I've been dealing 00:05:36.437 --> 00:05:37.707 with some version of it for a. 00:05:37.707 --> 00:05:41.777 About 25 years, it got a lot worse. 00:05:41.797 --> 00:05:46.007 It got worse in a way that some doctors recommended to me that I 00:05:46.037 --> 00:05:50.707 stop stressing it in any way until we decide whether, okay, let's have 00:05:50.707 --> 00:05:52.057 surgery or let's not have surgery. 00:05:52.057 --> 00:05:53.277 Let's figure out what we're going to do. 00:05:53.857 --> 00:05:58.377 But in the meantime, put this boot on and wear it all the time. 00:05:58.377 --> 00:06:00.727 You don't have to sleep in it, but you need to be wearing 00:06:00.727 --> 00:06:01.627 it the rest of the time. 00:06:02.667 --> 00:06:05.937 Well, my thing is walking. 00:06:07.407 --> 00:06:08.967 I go for walks. 00:06:09.137 --> 00:06:11.297 I very often go for walks with Kate, my wife. 00:06:11.297 --> 00:06:13.217 I very often go for walks by myself. 00:06:13.537 --> 00:06:14.447 I'm a walker. 00:06:15.007 --> 00:06:18.667 Walking gives me this amazing internal regulation. 00:06:20.417 --> 00:06:25.047 I come home from a 15 or 20 or 45 minute walk, feeling amazing. 00:06:25.727 --> 00:06:31.437 Whatever was bugging me has mostly worked itself out in those 15 to 45 minutes. 00:06:31.967 --> 00:06:34.877 There's a lot of nice internal chemical stuff going on. 00:06:36.197 --> 00:06:41.767 And then I got to put this boot on and the walking goes away for the moment, 00:06:41.787 --> 00:06:44.337 but I don't know how long it could be. 00:06:44.347 --> 00:06:46.377 Six weeks could be nine or 12 months. 00:06:46.417 --> 00:06:47.707 Not totally sure yet. 00:06:48.757 --> 00:06:51.067 So now I don't get my walks and I don't get the internal 00:06:51.067 --> 00:06:52.257 regulation that they give me. 00:06:53.517 --> 00:06:57.857 I promise there's a point to all this and without the internal regulation 00:06:57.857 --> 00:07:03.157 that I'm getting from walks, I look for that regulation elsewhere. 00:07:03.582 --> 00:07:04.842 And what is , my habit? 00:07:04.872 --> 00:07:08.832 My habit is to go to the fridge or worse, the pantry. 00:07:10.022 --> 00:07:15.832 So having been on this nice streak for six, seven, eight weeks, feeling good. 00:07:17.442 --> 00:07:19.682 Now I'm going to the fridge in the pantry and I'm not walking. 00:07:19.682 --> 00:07:22.322 So now there's a double, it's a compounding negative. 00:07:23.672 --> 00:07:27.762 Not only am I not getting the goodness of the walks, but I'm eating 00:07:27.762 --> 00:07:29.212 an excess that doesn't feel good. 00:07:30.122 --> 00:07:32.002 And now everything that was feeling good. 00:07:32.412 --> 00:07:35.622 In the previous six or eight weeks is reversing. 00:07:40.052 --> 00:07:41.412 So here's my question to you. 00:07:43.632 --> 00:07:44.612 I've got tools. 00:07:45.152 --> 00:07:45.932 I'm a coach. 00:07:46.692 --> 00:07:47.722 I've had a lot of therapy. 00:07:47.722 --> 00:07:48.762 I've had a lot of coaching. 00:07:48.792 --> 00:07:49.762 I've read a lot of books. 00:07:49.762 --> 00:07:50.962 I've done a lot of trainings, 00:07:52.102 --> 00:07:56.752 knowing everything that I know, seeing everything that I've seen, experiencing 00:07:56.752 --> 00:07:58.132 everything that I've experienced. 00:07:58.672 --> 00:08:00.212 What is my next move? 00:08:08.052 --> 00:08:09.012 You're probably a coach. 00:08:09.012 --> 00:08:10.822 You've probably got a long list of things for me. 00:08:13.972 --> 00:08:16.992 But let's start with what we know my next move is not, 00:08:19.222 --> 00:08:22.152 it is not to go to self hatred. 00:08:23.462 --> 00:08:30.522 It is not to say, Oh, this again, why can't I get this figured out? 00:08:30.642 --> 00:08:32.402 I'm I know better. 00:08:32.672 --> 00:08:33.992 I've got the experience. 00:08:34.012 --> 00:08:34.962 I've got the knowledge. 00:08:35.022 --> 00:08:35.982 I've got tools. 00:08:36.112 --> 00:08:38.436 I've got the software that makes this easy. 00:08:39.638 --> 00:08:41.358 I've had a lot of coaching on this. 00:08:41.778 --> 00:08:42.918 I know the pattern. 00:08:42.958 --> 00:08:44.128 I can see the pattern. 00:08:44.138 --> 00:08:45.558 The pattern is so obvious to me. 00:08:45.558 --> 00:08:47.568 I shouldn't be dealing with this anymore. 00:08:47.778 --> 00:08:49.718 I shouldn't be like this anymore. 00:08:49.918 --> 00:08:51.688 I should have moved past this. 00:08:53.308 --> 00:08:54.938 Other people have figured this out. 00:08:55.018 --> 00:08:56.548 Why can't I figure it out? 00:08:57.428 --> 00:08:59.128 This is easy for everyone else. 00:08:59.128 --> 00:08:59.778 This is hilarious. 00:08:59.778 --> 00:09:02.728 Many of you are laboring under the idea that the thing with which you 00:09:02.728 --> 00:09:05.538 struggle Everyone else has resolved. 00:09:05.808 --> 00:09:09.308 It is the most absurd thing that human beings say to themselves. 00:09:09.508 --> 00:09:11.118 Well, everybody else has, has it figured out. 00:09:11.138 --> 00:09:12.138 She hasn't figured out. 00:09:12.188 --> 00:09:13.188 He hasn't figured out. 00:09:13.598 --> 00:09:19.428 Tragically in coaching, there's this thing where we will say to 00:09:19.428 --> 00:09:23.838 ourselves, my coach hasn't figured out if my coach can figure it out. 00:09:23.838 --> 00:09:25.038 Why can't I, figure it out. 00:09:25.288 --> 00:09:27.628 I have access to this brilliant coach. 00:09:28.348 --> 00:09:29.938 I've got them right there in front of me. 00:09:30.953 --> 00:09:32.453 But I still can't figure it out. 00:09:33.983 --> 00:09:36.183 How much would any of that help me right now? 00:09:37.583 --> 00:09:40.833 How much would any of that help me as I finish recording this podcast? 00:09:41.213 --> 00:09:48.093 And I guarantee you, I will have an almost immediate urge to limp myself out of 00:09:48.093 --> 00:09:50.503 my office, up the stairs to the pantry. 00:09:52.733 --> 00:09:57.543 How much would any of that internal shouting, how much would it help? 00:09:57.933 --> 00:09:59.213 You might say, Oh no, it might help. 00:09:59.213 --> 00:10:00.083 It might break the pattern. 00:10:00.083 --> 00:10:00.313 Yeah. 00:10:00.313 --> 00:10:02.663 For a minute, for a minute. 00:10:03.943 --> 00:10:06.233 The anger, the self criticism, turning these things toward 00:10:06.233 --> 00:10:07.833 ourselves, it doesn't help. 00:10:07.853 --> 00:10:09.433 It makes things worse. 00:10:10.023 --> 00:10:12.663 And especially in a situation like mine, where I'm trying to 00:10:12.663 --> 00:10:16.193 self regulate, I'm trying to self medicate in a way with calories. 00:10:19.163 --> 00:10:22.653 If I amp up the anger, the internal anger, the internal self 00:10:22.653 --> 00:10:27.408 criticism, if I take that internal critic and hand it , a megaphone, 00:10:30.348 --> 00:10:34.248 it's likely that I'll want to tamp those negative feelings 00:10:34.248 --> 00:10:36.288 down with even more calories. 00:10:37.183 --> 00:10:38.013 This is the pattern. 00:10:38.073 --> 00:10:38.893 What's the pattern for me? 00:10:38.893 --> 00:10:39.803 I can't speak for you. 00:10:43.023 --> 00:10:44.293 So what's the alternative? 00:10:46.883 --> 00:10:52.463 The alternative is to not weaponize my knowledge and experience against myself. 00:10:54.643 --> 00:11:00.003 The alternative is to say, Oh yeah, I'm discouraged. 00:11:03.193 --> 00:11:04.523 I want to go for a walk. 00:11:05.093 --> 00:11:06.443 I want to go for a hike. 00:11:07.173 --> 00:11:09.623 I feel discouraged. 00:11:09.623 --> 00:11:10.733 As 00:11:12.413 --> 00:11:17.243 soon as you name it, you create the opportunity. 00:11:18.183 --> 00:11:19.263 To let it move through. 00:11:21.013 --> 00:11:23.583 Sometimes people are discouraged. 00:11:26.173 --> 00:11:29.103 It's part of the human experience, which I know is a very coachy 00:11:29.103 --> 00:11:30.283 thing to say, et cetera. 00:11:31.393 --> 00:11:33.193 It just happens to be true and useful. 00:11:37.803 --> 00:11:40.823 Now if I want my physical experience to change, and if I want the emotional 00:11:40.823 --> 00:11:44.953 experience that accompanies that physical experience to change, the bottom line 00:11:44.953 --> 00:11:50.543 is I am going to come to a moment where I open that pantry and then I close it 00:11:51.533 --> 00:11:54.673 and say, ah, you know, maybe not right now, maybe later, but not right now. 00:11:54.703 --> 00:11:56.113 Maybe I'm going to do something else right now. 00:11:56.403 --> 00:11:59.063 Maybe there's some other way for me to move through space. 00:12:00.053 --> 00:12:05.833 That isn't my normal three mile walk, but maybe it's something else that. 00:12:07.008 --> 00:12:10.658 Regulates me in a way that I'll end up being happier 00:12:10.658 --> 00:12:12.828 with than consuming calories. 00:12:14.148 --> 00:12:17.038 Well, now I'm working with myself instead of against myself. 00:12:18.738 --> 00:12:20.498 The inner critic might speak up. 00:12:21.588 --> 00:12:23.058 I mean, my inner critic does speak up. 00:12:23.068 --> 00:12:27.008 My inner critic will say, man, you're still this, this again. 00:12:30.028 --> 00:12:33.618 The question is, do I give it the megaphone or do I just say, yeah, actually 00:12:33.618 --> 00:12:34.938 this again, that's kind of interesting. 00:12:34.938 --> 00:12:35.348 Isn't it? 00:12:36.838 --> 00:12:40.288 Maybe I'll try something else today or maybe I'll try something else tomorrow. 00:12:41.988 --> 00:12:42.348 I don't know. 00:12:42.628 --> 00:12:43.008 We'll see. 00:12:45.358 --> 00:12:48.048 Now I've gotten on the same side of the table as myself. 00:12:48.048 --> 00:12:51.928 Now I'm working with myself instead of against myself and whatever 00:12:51.968 --> 00:12:57.218 increase in negative emotion would have come from yelling at myself. 00:12:58.338 --> 00:13:04.478 I diffuse that and I'm closer to an emotional state that's going to 00:13:04.478 --> 00:13:10.578 produce a set of behaviors or even a single behavior in a moment that 00:13:10.578 --> 00:13:11.868 moves me off in a new direction. 00:13:11.868 --> 00:13:12.228 Okay. 00:13:12.928 --> 00:13:14.508 A direction I ended up being happier with. 00:13:17.368 --> 00:13:22.308 So part of our job as human beings, but especially as practitioners 00:13:22.948 --> 00:13:29.658 is to tune ourselves to what the inner critic sounds like and what 00:13:29.668 --> 00:13:34.528 set of emotions tend to accompany our attention to the inner critic. 00:13:36.528 --> 00:13:42.178 If we're able to slow down a little bit to see those patterns and see 00:13:42.178 --> 00:13:48.583 how those things emerge, Then we're in a position to not only change the 00:13:48.583 --> 00:13:52.093 behaviors that the inner critic is yelling about in the first place, 00:13:52.743 --> 00:13:54.813 but to be ready for the inner critic. 00:13:54.813 --> 00:13:56.083 The next time he arrives, 00:13:57.263 --> 00:13:58.533 now we're in better shape. 00:13:59.213 --> 00:14:02.463 Now we're in a better position to handle these things going forward. 00:14:06.023 --> 00:14:07.433 I love having a coach. 00:14:08.433 --> 00:14:12.013 I don't have a coach at the moment that I work with on this stuff around, you know, 00:14:12.263 --> 00:14:13.983 self soothing through calorie consumption. 00:14:14.773 --> 00:14:19.863 but I love having a coach that I can sit with and say, I'm 00:14:19.863 --> 00:14:21.243 feeling really frustrated. 00:14:21.543 --> 00:14:23.673 Uh, with Liz, with my, with the coach I do work with. 00:14:23.673 --> 00:14:29.333 I'm able to say, Liz, I'm, I'm really frustrated about whatever, 00:14:29.333 --> 00:14:31.283 about the way I'm dividing my time. 00:14:33.923 --> 00:14:35.183 Why can't I focus? 00:14:35.183 --> 00:14:36.893 I just don't seem to be able to focus. 00:14:36.923 --> 00:14:37.553 Well, that's a lie. 00:14:37.553 --> 00:14:38.033 By the way. 00:14:38.093 --> 00:14:42.563 I'm capable of amazing focus, but the inner critic brings these lies to me. 00:14:43.598 --> 00:14:46.788 They've been practiced now for 30 years, 35 years. 00:14:47.678 --> 00:14:49.598 I love to process those things with Liz. 00:14:50.018 --> 00:14:53.228 Liz doesn't argue with me and she doesn't disagree with me. 00:14:54.238 --> 00:14:54.578 You know what? 00:14:54.618 --> 00:14:57.028 Actually, let's talk about that for a second, because this is a thing I 00:14:57.048 --> 00:15:03.478 think coaches do sometimes, and , I'm probably not qualified to blanket, 00:15:03.768 --> 00:15:06.688 call it terrible, but I don't like it. 00:15:08.398 --> 00:15:14.668 So let's say that I go to Liz, my coach, and I say, Liz, I should 00:15:14.668 --> 00:15:15.818 have figured this out by now, 00:15:18.963 --> 00:15:21.113 Something about working or content creation. 00:15:21.113 --> 00:15:23.733 Who knows what I'm, who knows what I'm whining about in the moment. 00:15:25.243 --> 00:15:26.003 I'm so frustrated. 00:15:26.003 --> 00:15:28.123 I should have, I should have figured this out by now. 00:15:29.343 --> 00:15:31.963 And if Liz says, no, you shouldn't, you shouldn't have figured it out by now. 00:15:33.713 --> 00:15:34.573 This drives me crazy. 00:15:34.583 --> 00:15:37.163 Liz would never, by the way, Liz doesn't do that. 00:15:37.963 --> 00:15:39.593 This drives me crazy. 00:15:41.573 --> 00:15:44.833 If a person says, well, I shouldn't be mad, you should be mad. 00:15:45.713 --> 00:15:45.903 Ugh. 00:15:47.013 --> 00:15:47.853 Don't do that. 00:15:49.768 --> 00:15:52.498 Don't be in a rush to disagree with your client. 00:15:52.518 --> 00:15:55.778 And if your coach is in a rush to disagree with you, even when they're 00:15:55.778 --> 00:16:01.068 supposedly flipping your negative talk in your favor, there's still 00:16:01.068 --> 00:16:02.758 something off putting about it. 00:16:03.918 --> 00:16:08.348 I'll speak for myself as a client,, if I say I should have figured this out by now, 00:16:11.078 --> 00:16:16.878 all I'm looking for my coach to say in that moment, Is maybe nothing, maybe 00:16:16.878 --> 00:16:21.088 just let there be a little bit of a pause, maybe a little bit of open space. 00:16:22.548 --> 00:16:25.448 Maybe I want my coach in that moment to say, Oh, okay. 00:16:25.738 --> 00:16:26.348 You think? 00:16:30.458 --> 00:16:33.588 And then I have the opportunity to say, well, I mean, I don't know. 00:16:33.588 --> 00:16:36.158 I don't know if I should or shouldn't have that's probably not helpful, 00:16:36.158 --> 00:16:40.288 but what I mean is I feel frustrated. 00:16:41.028 --> 00:16:42.278 Oh, okay. 00:16:42.278 --> 00:16:43.728 We can work with frustrated. 00:16:44.728 --> 00:16:46.578 Or I feel discouraged. 00:16:47.368 --> 00:16:47.778 Okay. 00:16:47.778 --> 00:16:49.048 We can work with discouraged. 00:16:49.498 --> 00:16:51.398 I'm mad at myself. 00:16:52.018 --> 00:16:53.478 Ah, you're mad at yourself. 00:16:53.508 --> 00:16:53.988 Okay. 00:16:56.038 --> 00:16:56.938 What do we do with that? 00:16:58.138 --> 00:17:00.008 I don't like shoulds or shouldn'ts. 00:17:00.058 --> 00:17:02.368 I think shoulds and shouldn'ts are red flags. 00:17:02.448 --> 00:17:05.958 Even when a well meaning coach flips them in our favor. 00:17:09.093 --> 00:17:14.193 I think it perpetuates the habit of shoulding and shouldn't, and I don't 00:17:14.193 --> 00:17:15.873 think those are productive habits. 00:17:17.383 --> 00:17:22.123 A should or a shouldn't is really just a signal of an emotional state. 00:17:23.043 --> 00:17:26.013 We don't have to engage with the shoulds and the shouldn'ts directly. 00:17:27.953 --> 00:17:30.534 We can acknowledge them as an emotion signal and say. 00:17:32.053 --> 00:17:33.433 I wonder what the emotion is. 00:17:34.323 --> 00:17:36.623 I don't know what's driving your shoulds and your shouldn'ts. 00:17:36.623 --> 00:17:38.573 I wonder what's driving my shoulds and shouldn'ts. 00:17:38.913 --> 00:17:40.423 What's going on with me internally. 00:17:41.473 --> 00:17:42.643 Let me work with that. 00:17:46.023 --> 00:17:49.723 So whether you're engaging with your coach or engaging with yourself, if you hear 00:17:49.723 --> 00:17:54.493 the shoulds coming, let them float by 00:17:57.013 --> 00:17:59.443 and say, Oh, I'm shooting myself. 00:18:00.363 --> 00:18:02.113 What information does that have for me? 00:18:02.153 --> 00:18:06.303 What is it telling me about my internal state at the moment? 00:18:07.403 --> 00:18:07.833 Okay. 00:18:08.003 --> 00:18:08.853 I can work with that. 00:18:09.543 --> 00:18:10.813 I can talk to my coach about that 00:18:12.093 --> 00:18:13.253 Here's the last topic of the day. 00:18:13.253 --> 00:18:14.403 And then we'll conclude 00:18:17.913 --> 00:18:21.643 Every coach that I know deploys named tools. 00:18:23.538 --> 00:18:25.988 And in my experience, they are powerful. 00:18:26.058 --> 00:18:27.228 They are useful. 00:18:28.918 --> 00:18:30.658 They help clients have breakthroughs. 00:18:30.658 --> 00:18:32.308 They've helped me have breakthroughs. 00:18:32.668 --> 00:18:41.888 I love a good named tool, unless the well meaning client who might be a coach 00:18:41.968 --> 00:18:45.598 or who might have a lot of experience with coaching takes that named tool 00:18:47.278 --> 00:18:55.218 and accidentally with nothing but the best intentions warps that tool into a 00:18:55.218 --> 00:18:56.888 weapon that they use against themselves. 00:18:58.203 --> 00:19:01.073 It can be so subtle and it can be so sneaky. 00:19:01.473 --> 00:19:04.453 And this is one of the reasons I believe so strongly in working with 00:19:05.013 --> 00:19:10.953 a kind of compassionate, a strong, a safe practitioner, because a good 00:19:10.953 --> 00:19:15.143 practitioner will help you see how you might be warping and weaponizing 00:19:15.153 --> 00:19:16.993 your own tools against yourself. 00:19:17.773 --> 00:19:18.843 Here is an example. 00:19:19.533 --> 00:19:23.723 It's called the manual the manual for those of you who've never heard of it. 00:19:23.753 --> 00:19:27.463 Describes the idea that in our relationships, we tend to have a set 00:19:27.463 --> 00:19:30.253 of unspoken rules and expectations for the people that we love. 00:19:31.713 --> 00:19:34.333 We want them to behave in a specific way. 00:19:35.673 --> 00:19:42.863 And all of our expectations , and maybe even demands are in this imaginary manual. 00:19:44.283 --> 00:19:48.873 And when people don't comply with our manuals, we punish them. 00:19:51.033 --> 00:19:55.173 But the most insidious thing about our manual is that it's unspoken. 00:19:56.568 --> 00:20:01.618 We're very often expecting people to comply with rules and expectations 00:20:02.328 --> 00:20:04.498 that we have not made clear. 00:20:07.078 --> 00:20:09.138 I think this is an incredible insight. 00:20:09.178 --> 00:20:12.198 I think it is a brilliant, brilliant tool, and I think it 00:20:12.198 --> 00:20:16.058 can create shortcuts To progress. 00:20:18.288 --> 00:20:24.578 It is also extremely easy to misuse and to weaponize where I've interacted with 00:20:24.578 --> 00:20:27.928 so many good people and many, maybe most of my clients have been women. 00:20:27.928 --> 00:20:30.208 So that's my bias is that I interact mostly with women. 00:20:30.738 --> 00:20:34.248 I've, I've worked with so many amazing women who take this idea 00:20:34.248 --> 00:20:37.588 of the manual and they say, well, you know, I've got this manual. 00:20:37.648 --> 00:20:38.998 I've got this manual for. 00:20:39.173 --> 00:20:42.833 My, my husband, I've got this manual for my kids and I just need to drop it. 00:20:42.863 --> 00:20:43.823 I should just drop it. 00:20:44.633 --> 00:20:45.243 Hold on. 00:20:45.573 --> 00:20:46.083 What 00:20:48.193 --> 00:20:52.253 do you see how the well intentioned person just completely weaponized 00:20:52.253 --> 00:20:53.473 that tool against herself? 00:20:54.903 --> 00:20:55.873 Well, I should just drop it. 00:20:55.913 --> 00:20:56.853 I've just got to drop it. 00:20:57.863 --> 00:21:00.593 And then if it, if it persists, then what she says is 00:21:02.663 --> 00:21:03.743 I'm so mad at myself. 00:21:03.853 --> 00:21:05.123 I know about the manual. 00:21:05.163 --> 00:21:09.773 I've, I understand the concept, but I'm still being a jerk to my kids or 00:21:09.773 --> 00:21:12.743 I'm still being a jerk to my husband or whatever, however she might say it. 00:21:15.143 --> 00:21:18.003 If I have the opportunity, if I happen to be there in the moment, if it's 00:21:18.003 --> 00:21:22.873 a coaching call, I say, hold on, this manual thing is really, really 00:21:22.873 --> 00:21:27.183 useful to you right up until you start smashing yourself in the face with it. 00:21:30.233 --> 00:21:34.903 Yes, you do have a set of unspoken rules, a set of unspoken expectations, 00:21:35.213 --> 00:21:39.413 maybe even a set of unspoken demands for the people in your life. 00:21:42.323 --> 00:21:47.013 So the next step after awareness is not punishment. 00:21:49.543 --> 00:21:53.373 It's not to try to rush past our way of being and pretend it never happened. 00:21:55.318 --> 00:22:01.158 It's to consider the expectations and the rules and even the demands that are in 00:22:01.158 --> 00:22:09.108 our manuals and to decide which of them we want to let go of completely, maybe on our 00:22:09.108 --> 00:22:14.488 own, maybe with the help of a coach, which of them are actually important to us. 00:22:14.808 --> 00:22:19.788 In which case, the job is to take the unspoken and make it spoken, which is 00:22:19.788 --> 00:22:24.988 an incredibly high intimacy and honest thing to do, to go To your person, to the 00:22:24.988 --> 00:22:30.218 person you love and say, you know what, it turns out I have this expectation 00:22:30.228 --> 00:22:31.588 that I've never told you about. 00:22:32.728 --> 00:22:37.198 And I know it's crazy, but when you don't meet this unspoken 00:22:37.198 --> 00:22:38.928 expectation, I feel really hurt. 00:22:41.138 --> 00:22:43.168 Now you've named it, you've spoken it. 00:22:43.228 --> 00:22:47.128 And now the person that loves you is able to say, I had no idea. 00:22:48.468 --> 00:22:50.828 I would love to try to do that for you and be that for you. 00:22:51.208 --> 00:22:54.908 Or they say, I had no idea. 00:22:56.628 --> 00:22:59.338 And the truth is, I'm not sure I can meet that expectation. 00:22:59.858 --> 00:23:00.898 We got to talk about it. 00:23:02.018 --> 00:23:06.198 In either case, we're now moving closer to each other and 00:23:06.198 --> 00:23:07.578 not farther from each other. 00:23:10.248 --> 00:23:15.118 Whether this expectation that we've had, whether it is satisfied or not satisfied, 00:23:15.118 --> 00:23:22.148 met or unmet, by making it a spoken thing, instead of an unspoken thing, we 00:23:22.148 --> 00:23:25.068 move toward our partner instead of away. 00:23:26.998 --> 00:23:31.048 So now we've taken this brilliant tool, the manual, and we've deployed 00:23:31.048 --> 00:23:35.438 it in service of ourselves and of our relationship instead of deploying 00:23:35.438 --> 00:23:37.168 it as a weapon against ourselves. 00:23:40.328 --> 00:23:42.928 So when you're deploying a named tool. 00:23:43.523 --> 00:23:46.853 In your own life, in the lives of your clients, in the lives of your family, 00:23:47.293 --> 00:23:51.503 asterisk, be very careful about trying to deploy name tools in the lives 00:23:51.503 --> 00:23:54.143 of other people, work on yourself. 00:23:54.343 --> 00:23:59.253 And then if your family asks for help, by all means, anyway, when 00:23:59.253 --> 00:24:03.173 we're deploying these name tools, you can get a strong signal. 00:24:04.223 --> 00:24:07.393 About the way you might be weaponizing it. 00:24:07.503 --> 00:24:12.093 If it comes with shoulds, if it amps up the inner critic, instead 00:24:12.093 --> 00:24:16.923 of quieting down the inner critic, if it comes with an emotional state 00:24:17.303 --> 00:24:22.623 that you know, is not productive for you, maybe shame, maybe anger, maybe 00:24:22.623 --> 00:24:24.993 disappointment, maybe not disappointment. 00:24:25.023 --> 00:24:31.963 I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but I trust you to have awareness of your 00:24:31.963 --> 00:24:34.353 emotional state as you deploy these tools. 00:24:36.903 --> 00:24:38.733 And then to act accordingly. 00:24:39.413 --> 00:24:43.223 Sometimes there has to be a meta conversation with yourself about 00:24:43.233 --> 00:24:44.893 the tool and your use of the tool. 00:24:46.908 --> 00:24:49.348 And maybe if you have a coach, then you go to your coach and 00:24:49.348 --> 00:24:50.618 say, here's what I realized. 00:24:51.088 --> 00:24:53.628 I realized that what I was doing is I was taking this idea of the 00:24:53.628 --> 00:24:55.388 manual, which I really believe in. 00:24:55.998 --> 00:24:58.368 And I was just smashing myself in the face with it. 00:24:58.668 --> 00:25:00.068 It was making everything worse. 00:25:01.578 --> 00:25:04.348 Well, the answer is not to say that the manual is a bad tool. 00:25:04.378 --> 00:25:07.088 And the answer is not to say that you should abandon all your 00:25:07.088 --> 00:25:08.908 expectations of the people you love. 00:25:10.118 --> 00:25:14.588 Because, , one of the things that defines a close relationship is that 00:25:14.588 --> 00:25:19.488 it's a relationship in which we are able to name our expectations and 00:25:19.488 --> 00:25:25.158 then have the person who loves us collaborate in meeting those expectations. 00:25:25.508 --> 00:25:27.918 That's what a relationship is. 00:25:29.673 --> 00:25:33.003 It has to be collaborative because like I said earlier, there are things 00:25:33.003 --> 00:25:37.113 that we'll say this would mean a lot to me and our partner can say, I 00:25:37.113 --> 00:25:38.673 don't know if it's in me to do that. 00:25:39.223 --> 00:25:40.653 That doesn't mean the relationship's over. 00:25:40.653 --> 00:25:43.363 It doesn't mean they don't love us and we don't love them, but now 00:25:43.363 --> 00:25:46.593 we're collaborating on a solution. 00:25:50.673 --> 00:25:52.813 The idea is not to drop all of our expectations. 00:25:52.813 --> 00:25:55.353 If I have no expectations of my spouse, then why am I in a 00:25:55.353 --> 00:25:56.403 marriage in the first place? 00:25:57.563 --> 00:26:02.663 My point is, let's deploy these tools with care. 00:26:03.323 --> 00:26:07.443 And if there's any signal that we're deploying these tools against ourselves, 00:26:07.463 --> 00:26:10.163 instead of for ourselves, let's pause. 00:26:10.783 --> 00:26:11.733 Let's check in. 00:26:11.993 --> 00:26:13.703 Let's maybe talk to our coach about it. 00:26:16.203 --> 00:26:18.493 And let's remember that above all, 00:26:20.583 --> 00:26:22.943 it's a good idea to be nice to ourselves. 00:26:23.713 --> 00:26:25.683 It doesn't mean we're letting ourselves off the hook. 00:26:25.803 --> 00:26:28.173 Oh, I didn't even talk about letting ourselves off the hook. 00:26:28.833 --> 00:26:33.093 Well, let my tone of voice be all you need me to hear about this idea of quote 00:26:33.093 --> 00:26:34.783 unquote, letting yourself off the hook. 00:26:36.923 --> 00:26:37.303 Okay. 00:26:38.803 --> 00:26:45.523 Being nice to yourself is the foundation of growth and transformation. 00:26:46.143 --> 00:26:47.543 I'm a good guy. 00:26:47.593 --> 00:26:48.413 I'm here to tell you. 00:26:49.333 --> 00:26:53.823 I'm a good person who sometimes in a state of internal 00:26:53.823 --> 00:26:56.783 dysregulation goes into the pantry. 00:26:57.063 --> 00:26:59.593 Gets out a box of cereal and drains it. 00:27:02.093 --> 00:27:04.213 And I'm still a good guy. 00:27:05.163 --> 00:27:06.363 And I like myself. 00:27:09.813 --> 00:27:11.113 I want to be nice to myself. 00:27:12.053 --> 00:27:13.653 I want you to be nice to yourself. 00:27:14.213 --> 00:27:15.793 I want you to be nice to your clients. 00:27:15.993 --> 00:27:17.863 I want you to be nice to your family members. 00:27:18.503 --> 00:27:21.753 It doesn't mean we're not holding each other and ourselves to a high standard. 00:27:21.753 --> 00:27:25.583 We want to achieve new and elevated ways of being. 00:27:26.963 --> 00:27:28.193 The path to that. 00:27:29.213 --> 00:27:31.503 starts with kindness. 00:27:34.473 --> 00:27:35.543 And I'll talk to you next time.