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Diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder at age 36, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about DID, dissociation, trauma, and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Welcome to the System Speak podcast, a podcast about dissociative identity disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening
Speaker 2:to the podcast. Thank you. Well, I have things to tell you. One is that we got a house again, another house, but I know how to move. I'm pretty good at it.
Speaker 2:I get back four, and I go to the old house, and I fill up my car. I have three suitcases and six boxes. And I know how to fill them up. And I drive back to the house, and I drop it off, and I go get one more. And then we get ready for work and drive to work, and we work.
Speaker 2:And now my lunch, I go get one more. And then, also, I eat my lunch because I like my lunch. And then after work, I go get some more. And we need to know is this very hot heat dome. So four in the morning is really the best time, but, also, at Oklahoma, it's hundred degrees, 10 degrees all day, all night, still hot again a day.
Speaker 2:Here, it only gets hot at the end of the afternoon and then in the evening cools off. And then by morning, it's, like, 54. And that's, like, wintertime in Oklahoma. So morning is not bad even though Emily said, oh, my lawn is turning brown. Well, you know what?
Speaker 2:Lawns die because it gets hot, so you're gonna have to learn how to do it. But they don't know how to do it because they used to have green grass here, But I know how it works because Jules took us to the mountains, you know, because they just podcast the whole time and talking and talking. But the s'mores are pretty good. So if you let them talk, you might get a marshmallow. I burned mine to a crisp.
Speaker 2:Also, there were some burning of things, but that is not my podcast story. So I learned all the way from the beginning. At the top of the mountain is snow. Even in July, I saw with my own eyes. And it melts, melt, melt, melt, melt, melt, melt down two rivers where there are rapids called snow melt.
Speaker 2:And that goes to irrigation water called canals, which goes through the sprinklers. So they are not wasting it because they have to put it somewhere. And if they did not put here, it would just only be a desert. And that's why their grass is turning brown because it is a desert. But not too bad if you have snow melt, keep your grass green while you're trying not to die because it's so hot.
Speaker 2:But here, only it's hot in afternoon and only a few weeks, and it'll probably snow again. I I don't even know what to say about it. The new house has a cherry tree and another fruit tree and another fruit tree, I think, is a cherry tree also. And here's the best part. We got baby hummingbirds on our back patio.
Speaker 2:And every day I watch, I'll say, I eating good guts. Everything okay up there? And they say, and the momma come feed them. She flaps so fast. I can't even see her wings.
Speaker 2:She just I don't I don't know what to say. So I'm working pretty hard. One day, Jules bring her truck and brought some things. And another day, Jules got big truck for the elliptical and the bed and my fridge where I can keep some cheese and, the piano and the big things that do not fit my car. She she she was very helpful of it.
Speaker 2:And all the other days, I just get a little now and a little then, a little now and a little then. And then on Jewel Days, she helps with bigger things and very helpful. Also, Alex, they're being nice to her because she brought all Alex's things down the stairs because I do not have very good record of the stairs. I'm a faller down the stairs. Some people die on the stairs.
Speaker 2:Jules is like, please do not carry that. Let me just get it. And I made myself useful other places. But Jules gets gold star for running stairs. She didn't even have to use elliptical or go to the gym if you're gonna run stairs.
Speaker 2:But I don't know. I I could not do all by myself, and there were no kids helping. And Jules was Jules is a pretty good helper. So I think she should have some queso with me and maybe maybe more s'mores if she wants. Do you hear that, Jules?
Speaker 2:Do you want? I I want can we hey, Jules. Alexa, bring me some s'mores. Find that. It's a bonaf, Alexa.
Speaker 2:I'm just pretending. Also, I took care of all of this business. We did all by ourselves. We got our water and our power and our gas and our Internet for work. And, also, our post office and our name.
Speaker 2:Our new name came. We got our name back. Our name came. And so that's getting fixed at the office. That's getting fixed at driving.
Speaker 2:That's getting fixed all the places. I thought I'm a little savvy, but, also, the kids are coming back. It's our part of the summer. And so Kiriye has got all of her hospital things done, but waiting on the hospital. So she has a little window of weeks come visit us as Don't she wear a mask on the plane, which is not that deal.
Speaker 2:So Barret, who is done busying at the grandparents, some of us are not understood very good, And Kyrie, who is finished her sleep study and swallow study and hospital things and dentist and craniosomething and palm something. And, I don't remember all of the letters, but they're done for right now for getting ready for surgery. So they're flying here, and I'm a pick them up at the airport. And we're gonna get Lalisa Barrett things and books and her little toddler bed. She has a toddler bed, but she is nine.
Speaker 2:But the toddler bed is what she fits, and the toddler bed is what she likes. So we'll let her help us move her things as things she feels important and strong. I like feeling important and strong. And while they are doing that, I would send Mary. Are go at camp and cook in Amber.
Speaker 2:Are doing something I forgot what it was called, and then everybody else is driving here to bring back the van if they don't die in the desert. Our our van does not have air condition, and I say, you better go the North route and drive in the mornings. And they were laughing. I was like, you gotta be safe, people. What are you thinking?
Speaker 2:But they they got a safe plan and a night plan, not a desert plan. If you are listening this and not sure about safety, one safety is do not drive at the desert at a heat dome without your air condition. Do not do it that safety. Also, another update I got to tell you about is that there is this place you need to come visit. It's called TacoTime.
Speaker 2:I just found out about it. Jules, she I live here for three years, and she only just not told me about this. Jules, I I I don't really want it because I still kinda want those s'mores. If we have some more s'mores, we can just drop this little business. But you may know you can get a crispy bean burrito for 99¢.
Speaker 2:I can almost afford that. I can almost buy that with my dollars from the grocery store parking lot for the whole family. And when they get here, we have Airbnb from from our other travel points. So we get it for free because we already earn it, but we're gonna use it when the whole family is here. And we have the biggest Airbnb with a pool in the backyard, and we're gonna have a family party.
Speaker 2:Everybody together, and I'm so excited of it. I think, what shall we eat? I wonder if there's a grill because Joe's taught me how to use a grill. I'm pretty good at it. I'm pretty good at not be too scared of the propane I can turn on.
Speaker 2:I do not wanna change it. What if I just go flying in the sky? Hey, everybody. Somebody get me down here. But I can turn it on, and I can push a button, click, click, click, turn, and make the grill cook.
Speaker 2:And I flip stuff pretty good. I'm a good flipper. And I can turn off safe as a jaybird. So it might be a good idea, but I don't know. Them kids all of them kids except Kiri are bigger than me.
Speaker 2:I have to look up to them. They better change some behaviors if I'm a look up to them. What are you thinking, kids? What are you thinking? I wanna swim with them.
Speaker 2:It'll be fun, and I try to stay calm. I try to have expectations for it's fine. But, really, the truth is I'm very, very excited about it. See everybody and swim and cook some food and play a few days off work, maybe. And then they'll leave Van here, and Nathan and Kirk and Amber and QA for the hospital will fly back to Oklahoma.
Speaker 2:Mary and Alla to Barrett will stay here, and then QA will come back later. But Kirk and Amber wants to stay at Oklahoma because that's where their friends are. And sure enough, I can understand that. But the other day, I heard someone talking, and they said, no work is worth being away from my kids. And man, oh, man, I lost it.
Speaker 2:I cried and cried and cried. I text my therapist even, and I said, please, sir, can you help? And my therapist wrote back to me because my therapist care about me. And my therapist said, that is I can't even tell you the word. I I don't know about what words you're voting on for for what I can say, but at therapy, you can say any words you won't.
Speaker 2:So at therapy today, we talk about it. We talk about we are not bad parents because we have jobs we get deployed, And we talk about how not all families are the same. And we talk about how well, not all kids are the same either. And some kids have different needs, and some kids, it's good to take a break so you can care good for them, care well for them. And she talked about it with our therapist a lot, and I just sat there and cried because I wanna do right by them kids.
Speaker 2:And I really love them and, really, they are my friends. And my therapist said, I think you do love those kids, and they are good friends for playing with you. I think what you're missing is your brother. And I said, well, I'm not allowed to talk about my brother. So we need different therapy than that because I think that is on the no way Jose list.
Speaker 2:But that's what made me think of taco time. Do you know they have tear tots there? You can get tear tots. They have fish tacos, but I did not try them yet. They have some burritos with rice in them I did not try yet.
Speaker 2:I did try chicken, but it's not $9.09 cents. But a bean burrito is $9.09 cents, and I can get 99¢ sometimes. It's it's within my scope of practice if I have 99¢. And so Jules told me about taco time, and I I think I think she is really good at rolling up burritos, how she knows that. But, also, I move all the things I get move by myself is all done as much as it can be.
Speaker 2:So then what happened was we finished work, and it's not Jules' night. I can tell you about that now because Jules told you herself on the podcast already that some nights are Jules' nights, some nights are not. She comes three nights. I'm not telling you which one for privacy, but they are the same nights every week. Because if you have a planner or if anybody has littles, having the same night helps you feel safer.
Speaker 2:So she comes the same three nights. Last night was not Joel's night. And she finished work before we did, so when we were done with work, she was already gone. And I cry every time of it. I don't even mean to.
Speaker 2:We just are in therapy, and therapy is making me cry all the time. And I said, what are you doing? You are just fine of it. And I had to drive us home because they were crying. I was crying.
Speaker 2:Everybody was crying. Well, I got home, and there was not any moving to do because I have done all I can do by myself. And the last things, they want to do themselves so they can see that we did it. And I want to be respectful of their things. So I got here at the new house, and I was not scared because somehow, and I do not know how or why or what is the magic of it.
Speaker 2:But this house feels even better than the last house did. Much better, actually. And I don't know what it's about, but I feel safe here. So I was not scared. Me and I was sad, and it was so quiet.
Speaker 2:There was no kids to take care of, and there was there was no moving to do. There was no work to do. And I already missed groups at communities, so there was nothing. And it I just sat down, and I thought, this is why you should be nice to people. You have a friend right now, and now you've got nobody.
Speaker 2:And it's not Jules' night, so leave her alone. It's not the kid job to take care of your feelings, so leave him alone and not just sat there by myself and cry. Because I'm not codependent. Codependent means I need someone to rescue me from my feelings, but I got my own feelings. And my feelings right now are very big, very big feelings because my therapist wants to talk about memory time things and was was reading the book.
Speaker 2:And we talk about some things, and it was hard already. And also also want to talk about mapping. And we talked about our mapping because they were mapping me. And I said, listen, mappers. Mind your own business.
Speaker 2:If if I want mapping, I'm mapping myself. And nobody asked me if I want mapping, but we talked about it. And she tried to say, if one was for the father, for one kind of abuse, one's for the mother, a kind of abuse, and I am neglected. I said, I am not neglected. I know how to eat $9.09 cent burrito.
Speaker 2:When I was little, I could eat some Daisy Duke dog food. That's the name of my dog was Daisy Duke. And I know I know how to eat cheese if I can find some more. I'm very resourceful is my strength and asset, she wrote down when I saw it. I said, what does that mean?
Speaker 2:If I'm such a asset, you should give me $9.09 cents, and I'll get a burrito at taco time. But but we're talking about it, Mapping. And she said something about you you you were right to run talking about Dawn. That's not private. That's in the book.
Speaker 2:I'm not giving secrets. And well, didn't you wanna talk about how that's why they needed me? And I thought, this would make me very uncomfortable. And I would like to pass on this area, and I would like to go to a different area. And and I I think this therapist is getting a little bit little bit real.
Speaker 2:And I I just think therapy is bringing up a lot of hard things. So there's been a lot of crying and a lot of being very alone and a lot of feeling it. But it's good because we have to feel it, but nobody said it's pleasant. You know what is more pleasant? 99¢ burritos from TacoTime.
Speaker 2:That is way more pleasant.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeak.com. We'll see you there.