1 00:00:00,083 --> 00:00:05,171 Main problem that men have is they think that women mean what women say. 2 00:00:05,213 --> 00:00:07,924 Men don't necessarily need money to attract women. 3 00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:12,262 If you give women more money, they don't want men as much. 4 00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:13,888 Relationships are active. 5 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:16,224 And if that doesn't happen, we don't have a relationship. 6 00:00:16,224 --> 00:00:20,353 And Tara is a psychologist, challenging everything men believe about women. 7 00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:24,149 With over a million followers in multiple books, he's one of the most recognized 8 00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:26,401 relationship psychologists on the internet. 9 00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:28,570 Does monogamy still make sense then? 10 00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:32,532 People are on a spectrum with respect to this, it's probably more important 11 00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:37,620 to be that woman's first love than to be her first sexual experience. 12 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:41,666 Everyone, whether they're single or married, within five years, 13 00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:45,336 their strongest intra sexual competition will be in AI. 14 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:50,967 what does it mean to be a man in 2026? 15 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:55,847 Like, what role does the man play today in society or in relationships? 16 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:58,850 in relationships? Well, it's very confusing, right? 17 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:02,854 Because the old standards for traditional gender roles 18 00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:07,567 have been completely demolished, and there are still 19 00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:11,905 some subgroups of folks who want to go back to the way things were. 20 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,532 And that can work if both people are on board. 21 00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:18,369 But pretty much men and women are in a process of kind of 22 00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:20,705 figuring it out with each individual person 23 00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:23,374 that they happen to get into relationships with, which is basically 24 00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:26,211 like reinventing the wheel every time you start dating somebody. 25 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,922 This is why it can be very frustrating. 26 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,757 It can be very confusing. 27 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,343 There are a lot of assumptions that are still being made. 28 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:37,013 And when people come up against 29 00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:38,932 something in 30 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:43,353 reality and their assumptions happen to be different, that thing in reality 31 00:01:43,394 --> 00:01:47,065 reveals those assumptions and then that has to be navigated and worked through. 32 00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:50,068 I mean, say what you want about traditional gender roles, but at least 33 00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,738 they kind of clarified what people were supposed to do. 34 00:01:53,738 --> 00:01:56,366 And so the assumptions were more or less on the same page. 35 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,743 So there were fewer points of conflict with reality. 36 00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:01,621 What's your belief on toxic masculinity? 37 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:07,252 I think the only real toxic masculinity is the absence of masculinity. 38 00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:10,880 When you talk about when when a lot of commentators 39 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,925 and most of them are women talk about toxic masculinity, 40 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:18,388 they talk about stoicism, they talk about emotional suppression. 41 00:02:18,429 --> 00:02:23,017 They talk about kind of a matches Mo that won't allow men to feel, 42 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:26,146 or at least to express that emotion. 43 00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:29,566 And what they seem to prefer is 44 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:33,361 a man who's softer, who's kinder, who's gentler, who's more in 45 00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:36,322 touch with his emotions and whether they're aware of it or not. 46 00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:39,159 They're describing traditional femininity. 47 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,078 They're basically saying that the best part of masculinity 48 00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:45,081 are the parts that they recognize as feminine. 49 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:51,337 I think that the only real toxic masculinity is the absence of masculinity. 50 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:56,384 And we see that when very clearly in the statistics around, let's say, 51 00:02:56,885 --> 00:03:01,973 the outcomes associated with being raised by single mothers when there is no strong 52 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:06,978 male role model present in children's lives, the outcomes are much poorer. 53 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:11,107 They're much more likely to not graduate high school or college, 54 00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:15,320 or to have mental illness, or to fall into crime. 55 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:19,324 So I do think that masculinity 56 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:23,036 is something that kind of grounds 57 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:27,624 and provides and is firm and strong. 58 00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:30,460 I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 59 00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,045 I do think that in general 60 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,632 there is a trend, especially in modern like therapeutic culture, 61 00:03:36,257 --> 00:03:38,760 to mystify 62 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,804 female preferences for relationships 63 00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:46,267 as the healthy or right way to have relationships. 64 00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,269 And I don't think that that's true. 65 00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:50,939 what is the healthy and right way to have a relationship then? 66 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:55,652 I don't think there's one right way, but if you examine 67 00:03:55,777 --> 00:04:00,073 what the therapeutic institution says is, this is what you're supposed to do. 68 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:04,160 It definitely genders in a female direction. 69 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:05,870 I mean, what's the advice you hear all the time? 70 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,914 Well, you should be more emotionally available. 71 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,540 You should talk things out. 72 00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:13,419 It's we should all do therapy. 73 00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:17,590 We should figure out our attachment styles and our Myers-Briggs. 74 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:22,262 All of that stuff is important, but it seems to be something 75 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:26,099 that is a more as a language that more women understand, 76 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:29,477 and men are increasingly being left out of that dialog. 77 00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:36,025 We know that 85% of clinicians are women, just like women 78 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,486 will likely feel more comfortable 79 00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:40,446 talking to other women about some of their issues. 80 00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:43,491 Men are absolutely more comfortable talking to other men about their issues, 81 00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:46,202 but they're finding fewer and fewer men to talk to. 82 00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:50,498 There also seems to be differences in coping strategies. 83 00:04:51,165 --> 00:04:56,004 Talking isn't always the solution for men, and yet the therapeutic institution 84 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,507 basically says it's the panacea that will cure all your ills. 85 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,593 The talking Cure, as we know it was actually 86 00:05:02,593 --> 00:05:05,763 named that by Freud in working with female patients. 87 00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:08,975 It's something that he saw when working with female patients, 88 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,351 not when working with men. 89 00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:13,479 Do you think that that is maybe part of the reason 90 00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:17,734 we're at historic lows for romantic relationships? 91 00:05:18,192 --> 00:05:20,862 There is a lot of reasons for that. 92 00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:21,321 actually happening? 93 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:25,825 What are the reasons for think the main reasons are economic. 94 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,661 They're like macroeconomic. 95 00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:32,206 There was this really fascinating study that just came out of Denmark. 96 00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:33,416 Did you read this one? 97 00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:36,794 It came out a couple of weeks ago, and it's such a great study, 98 00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:40,131 methodologically, because they took publicly available data 99 00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:45,094 on the entire population of Denmark, like every single person for 14 years. 100 00:05:45,094 --> 00:05:49,849 It's one of the most robust samples you could possibly consider. 101 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:56,230 And what these researchers discovered is that for every five, 102 00:05:56,272 --> 00:06:02,195 for just a 5% permanent salary increase, men were more likely to have children, 103 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:05,698 and women were significantly less likely to have children. 104 00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:11,371 If you give women more money, they don't want men as much. 105 00:06:12,246 --> 00:06:14,415 Now you might think, well, why would that be the case? 106 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:16,542 Don't they need love and companionship? 107 00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:18,544 ET cetera. Etc. 108 00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:22,048 as you know from my book, one of my arguments 109 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,051 is that relationships are active 110 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:29,514 and we enter into an transaction when we exchange unequal goods 111 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:30,556 of comparable value. 112 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,767 And if that doesn't happen, we don't have a relationship. 113 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:33,935 It's a nonstarter. 114 00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:37,105 And in the sexual marketplace, in the game of mating and dating, 115 00:06:37,271 --> 00:06:41,401 those unequal goods tend to be men's resources and women's sexual opportunity. 116 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:45,571 Women tend to get involved with men 117 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:49,367 who can significantly improve their lives. 118 00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:52,120 On some level, that's entirely rational. 119 00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:55,331 So when women's lives 120 00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:59,419 get better, they have a smaller subset of men 121 00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:03,381 that they will consider as dating and mating partners. 122 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,341 And we see this happening. 123 00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:09,512 We see all of the sexual opportunity being increasingly concentrated in the top 124 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:12,515 ten, 15% of men, as women 125 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:16,269 define that, it's not the men who are thumping 126 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,439 their chest and saying, well, I'm a 1% guy and I'm a high value guy. 127 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,442 It's the women who are deciding that the cat decides what milk is. 128 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,401 Good, right? 129 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:27,196 And so we see the dysregulated sexual marketplace. 130 00:07:28,072 --> 00:07:33,035 The sexual marketplace tends towards polygamy of their own volition. 131 00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:37,623 More and more women are only attending 132 00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:41,252 to a fewer a smaller and smaller subset of men. 133 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:45,506 And so we see that as women 134 00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:48,634 get better in the sense that they make more money 135 00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:53,181 and they have higher degrees, and there they are 136 00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:57,935 extrapolating their lifestyles, their need for any one particular man goes down, 137 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:01,606 and they only will entertain the possibility of a relationship, 138 00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:05,193 generally when it will significantly improve their lives. 139 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:08,154 I looked up the statistic just a little bit ago. 140 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:11,616 The vast majority of female medical doctors in this country. 141 00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:15,244 We can say that as one of the highest earning, highest professions, 142 00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:19,582 Mary, male medical doctors who make more than them. 143 00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:24,504 However, the majority of male medical doctors do not marry 144 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,757 other female medical doctors. 145 00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:28,633 Does that make sense? 146 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,593 Like the average annual salary 147 00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:34,472 of a female medical doctors husband is $97,000 a year. 148 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:40,186 The average annual salary of a male medical doctor's wife is $23,000 a year. 149 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:44,857 No woman, especially after she works 15 years, makes a lot of money, 150 00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:47,860 earns the highest possible degree that our society award says. 151 00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:50,363 Finally, I can take care of a man. 152 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:54,033 You give a man just a little bit more money and he'll start thinking about, 153 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:57,203 wow. Finally, now I can afford to have a family. 154 00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:59,705 But if you give women more money, they don't think that. 155 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:03,292 They think, great, I can take care of myself. 156 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,419 That's part of. 157 00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:07,630 And that's just the small tip of the iceberg. 158 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:12,009 But it's it's an economic thing on a, on a social level. 159 00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:14,971 And it's it's probably wrong to 160 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:18,641 just say that we need to go back to the way things used to be. 161 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:22,812 The genie doesn't go back into the bottle, like, we're not going to prohibit women 162 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,982 from working or owning private property or voting or anything like that. 163 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:30,069 So we have to kind of make peace with the fact that this is how the world is. 164 00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:33,823 And there are still ways to have satisfying 165 00:09:33,864 --> 00:09:36,576 relationships, even under current conditions. 166 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,412 And do you think that's a permanent shift, or do you think this is 167 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,622 just the correction period or this is a permanent shift? 168 00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:42,957 Nothing is ever permanent. 169 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:47,044 I mean, I've studied history enough to know that, like, the pendulum 170 00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:51,757 always swings, the eternal civilizations all crumble. 171 00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:55,052 Ozymandias has clay feet, and there are trends. 172 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:59,640 You know, 70 years ago, we had the House un-American Committee where there was 173 00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:03,227 basically witch hunts on the right. 174 00:10:03,227 --> 00:10:07,940 We've seen in recent years with peak wokeness, there's witch hunts on the left. So 175 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,568 things change. 176 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,904 The issue is that it might be too late for millions of people 177 00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:16,616 because they just missed the pendulum swing. 178 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:19,368 one of your former clients told you. 179 00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:22,413 And this is funny, that when his wife filed for divorce. 180 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,583 She said she could get everything she needed from a man 181 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,711 via TaskRabbit and Tinder. 182 00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:32,173 And you said she kind of has a point. She. 183 00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:37,845 Women don't necessarily need men anymore or as much as they did before. 184 00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,096 They don't need a man. 185 00:10:39,096 --> 00:10:40,973 They definitely need men. 186 00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:42,141 They need men around. 187 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:46,562 Because men still predominantly build and maintain civilization 188 00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:51,025 like with it, where women aren't fighting for gender parity at hydroelectric 189 00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:54,779 dams and coal mines like we they need men. 190 00:10:55,071 --> 00:11:00,159 Men provide the convenience of the lifestyle that they enjoy in which 191 00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:04,622 they think they don't need a man, but that's provided to them by men, not women. 192 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:09,001 By the same token, men are increasingly thinking, 193 00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:12,755 well, maybe I don't need a woman like a permanent woman. 194 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,298 Maybe I just date around. 195 00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:17,677 Maybe I get lost in pornography. Maybe I 196 00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:19,679 do something. 197 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:24,350 But it's like the idea that I'm going to put all of my eggs 198 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,812 in this one relationship basket when it seems to be 199 00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:33,150 so socially unstable, might not be a great long term investment. 200 00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:36,070 So does monogamy still make sense then? 201 00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:39,073 To some people? For sure. 202 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,075 Some people can only do it that way. 203 00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:45,955 You know, I think that people are on a spectrum with respect to this. 204 00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:50,042 Like evolutionarily, our closest ancestors, 205 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:54,004 I think, are chimps and bonobos, and those two primates 206 00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:57,425 can't be any different with respect to their sexual practices. 207 00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:01,011 One is very promiscuous, the bonobo. 208 00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:04,056 The other is very hierarchical. 209 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,393 There are it's very aggressive. 210 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,228 There's a lot of competition. 211 00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:13,107 I think people kind of exists between those two extremes. 212 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:15,651 You're going to have people who monogamy comes 213 00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:19,280 very naturally and you're going to have folks who 214 00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:22,533 they're just, I think, programed to be promiscuous. 215 00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:26,370 I think in general, most people, 216 00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:30,124 the vast majority of people are monogamous to steal. 217 00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:34,086 That's a term I think Esther Perel came up with, who's a 218 00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:38,090 wonderful, intelligent, grounded 219 00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:41,719 commentator on relationships in the sexual marketplace. 220 00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:43,512 I really liked her book 221 00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:46,348 The State of Affairs, which is about cheating and infidelity, 222 00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:49,518 because I think it's one of the most reasonable 223 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,439 exposés on that phenomenon. 224 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:54,982 So she says monogamy ish. 225 00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:59,320 So what's really interesting is that most people, 226 00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,989 most straight people, they'll date for a while 227 00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:05,743 and then after a few weeks, a few months, they'll say, okay, what are we? 228 00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,620 And they have the define the relationship talk. 229 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,788 Right? 230 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,165 And they say, well, I want to be committed. 231 00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:14,043 Well, I want to be committed to. So you're my girlfriend. 232 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:15,628 Yeah. So I'm your boyfriend. Great. 233 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,839 And they think that, like, communication occurred. 234 00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:20,174 You know what I'm saying? 235 00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:22,593 Like, they both know what committed means. 236 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:25,054 Like, they both have the same assumptions about what 237 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,806 being a boyfriend or girlfriend means. 238 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,976 They don't actually have to get into the nitty gritty and define the field of play. 239 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,979 And so what happens is, two months later, 240 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,816 the girl sees the guy 241 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:40,444 smile a little too long with the receptionist at the restaurant. 242 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,404 She accuses him of flirting. 243 00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:44,824 He says, well, but I didn't do anything. 244 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,409 She thinks it's out of bounds. 245 00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:51,705 She he thinks that it's inbounds because they actually never defined 246 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:55,584 what commitment means with respect to their actual relationship. 247 00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:56,544 Right? 248 00:13:56,544 --> 00:14:01,298 So monogamy is sort of like giving some leeway 249 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:06,011 for the fact that we are sexual creatures and that it can be 250 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:09,723 nice and fun and productive to get attention 251 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:13,018 and to share attention with members of the opposite sex. 252 00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:17,898 And that can span the spectrum from harmless 253 00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:23,571 flirting with the person at the front desk to ethical non-monogamy. 254 00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:28,200 So which I think is a is a really they need better branding, I think for that. 255 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:32,204 But it's for the two people to decide what works for them. 256 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:35,291 guys, we've been so passionate about finding the biggest geniuses, 257 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,376 and this is just one of the many episodes. 258 00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:39,378 If you want to make sure you don't miss the next one. 259 00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:40,671 Make sure to subscribe. 260 00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:42,464 All right, let's get back to the episode. 261 00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:43,841 What's ethical non-monogamy? 262 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:47,094 I'm not an expert in it, but it basically is a way to. 263 00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:51,640 Enjoy multiple sexual relationships simultaneously in a way that is supposed 264 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,603 to take care of each other's commitments and emotions. 265 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,813 Okay. And is that just being honest with your partner? 266 00:14:57,813 --> 00:15:00,608 But you guys are going to do separate things here and there. 267 00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,026 But I'm just what is honest 268 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:04,278 but sometimes but 269 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:08,449 like what is honest mean for some folks in that field, honest means 270 00:15:08,657 --> 00:15:11,827 they sit their partner down and say, okay, this Saturday 271 00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:15,831 I'm going to go out with so-and-so, and this is what we'll likely end up doing. 272 00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,374 This is what's off the table. 273 00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:18,626 This is when I'll be back. 274 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:21,587 And then they give a postmortem. 275 00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:24,757 Some people are like, don't ask, don't tell. 276 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,886 A lot of people actually are don't ask, don't tell. 277 00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:33,599 And that policy has kept a lot of marriages alive for thousands of years. 278 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,935 Why do women like bad boys? 279 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:40,189 Why do they reject a kind, stable, reliable 280 00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:44,234 man in many cases in favor of the bad boy? 281 00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:45,819 They don't always. 282 00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:49,448 They often choose that man later in life, 283 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:55,579 maybe after they've dated around and explored relationships 284 00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:59,500 with potentially more exciting men, they realize 285 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,126 that they're getting a little older. 286 00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:03,712 Maybe the competition is getting a little younger. 287 00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:07,216 They don't feel like spending every Saturday night out the club, 288 00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:11,929 and they start looking around for one of those reliable, kind, sweet men. 289 00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:14,014 And a lot of those guys 290 00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:17,851 are increasingly thinking, well, that's kind of a bad bargain. 291 00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:18,644 You know, it's 292 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:21,855 sort of the male equivalent of, if you can't handle me at my worst, 293 00:16:21,855 --> 00:16:23,857 you don't deserve me at my best kind of a thing. 294 00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:26,026 It's like, where were you at 22? 295 00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:30,114 Like, why do I have to get the why is my soulmate used, you know, 296 00:16:30,197 --> 00:16:33,158 so that's part of it. 297 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:37,204 But bad boys are perennially attractive to women 298 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,249 first and foremost because they're exciting. 299 00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:42,543 Danger is stimulating. 300 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:44,003 It makes you feel alive 301 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:48,257 the closer you are to death on some level, the more you do feel alive, right? 302 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:52,678 And any seduction strategy that works on women 303 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:56,265 always works to the extent that it succeeds in stimulating their emotions. 304 00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,017 There's more than one way to do it. 305 00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:02,980 But you have to stimulate a woman's emotions in order to get her 306 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:07,443 to be interested and invested in a sexual relationship with you. 307 00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:10,487 Okay. And danger does that like directly. 308 00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,197 Right. So 309 00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:15,409 first and foremost, it's emotionally stimulating. 310 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:18,454 Secondly, they're safe for women. 311 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:24,376 And this is something that is often counterintuitive to a lot of guys, 312 00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:28,797 because a lot of guys will see the biker with the face scars 313 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:33,469 and the criminal record as like, you probably really shouldn't be spending. 314 00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:36,555 I mean, that guy seems a little risky, you know what I'm saying? 315 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,766 But here's the thing. 316 00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:40,434 How do I put this? 317 00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:43,437 Women are more concerned about their physical safety 318 00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,689 than men are for a number of reasons. 319 00:17:45,689 --> 00:17:48,817 One of them is that they're just physically smaller 320 00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:50,444 and weaker than than men are. 321 00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:52,362 And so 322 00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:54,740 if push comes to shove, there 323 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,743 could potentially find themselves in a 324 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,287 sticky situation, as it were. 325 00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,122 And that's just the average man. 326 00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:05,501 The average man is more powerful than the average woman, right? 327 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:10,380 But men also have this sort of hierarchy. 328 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:15,010 They're not going to mess with the guy who is really strong 329 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:18,097 physically and potentially a little unhinged. 330 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:23,894 And as already has a demonstrated track record of, let's say, putting his money 331 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:27,898 where his mouth is when it comes to standing up for his reputation 332 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,943 or protecting his his name 333 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,946 or his posse or his woman, etc.. 334 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:37,241 So if a woman can succeed 335 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:42,454 in securing that man's affections and no other man is going to mess 336 00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:45,541 with that guy, then she actually doesn't 337 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:49,086 have to worry about all other men. 338 00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:52,673 Like if she can sidle up 339 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:57,928 to the most dangerous biker at the bar, then she only needs to worry about that 340 00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:02,558 one guy because no other guy is going to start something with that biker, 341 00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:03,851 you know what I'm saying? 342 00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:07,104 Otherwise, if she's with a different guy, 343 00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:10,482 she might have to still worry about him because the average man is more powerful 344 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:11,275 than the average woman. 345 00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:14,653 But what if the biker starts something with this average dude? 346 00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:18,198 Well, is this guy going to be able to protect her? 347 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:23,537 So even though most men will look at that guy and think, wow, he seems I wouldn't 348 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:27,082 trust that person, there is kind of an instinct here 349 00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:30,711 that makes those men feel safe to many women. 350 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,589 What if there's a guy out there who's. He's not the bad boy, right? 351 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,757 He's your average guy, Okay, okay. 352 00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:38,844 And he wants to 353 00:19:39,803 --> 00:19:41,513 stimulate emotion right? 354 00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:42,181 In a woman. 355 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:46,059 But he's not going to go get tattoos, and he's not going to go write a Harley. 356 00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:51,231 What are maybe a couple things he can do to stand out from the crowd, from that, 357 00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:54,568 from from the other average men, but not go to the extreme 358 00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:57,487 of I'm going to get tattoos and get a criminal record, right. 359 00:19:57,487 --> 00:19:59,698 What are some things he can do to emotionally stimulate 360 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,658 that will put him ahead of the ahead of the pack? 361 00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:06,121 Well, the main thing that bad boys do is they violate social norms. 362 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,498 Some of them even violate laws. Right. 363 00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:10,542 But you have. 364 00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:14,838 You can't violate a law without violating a social norm. 365 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,425 So one of the things that a guy who doesn't want to get a bunch of tattoos 366 00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:23,472 can do is at least have the spine and the sack to say what he really means, 367 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:28,477 despite the potential social consequences, despite the fact that this person 368 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:31,605 might judge him, or this person is going to unfriend him, or this person 369 00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:35,150 is going to disinvited him to Thanksgiving or etc., etc. 370 00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:38,528 it's like that kind of firmness 371 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:42,616 says that I'm self-possessed and self-sufficient enough 372 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:48,121 that I don't depend on the approval of other folks, and I. 373 00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:53,210 I'm willing to stand on my values and my perspectives on some level, 374 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:54,878 irrespective of the consequences. 375 00:20:54,878 --> 00:20:59,675 And that's a strength that is actually fairly rare. 376 00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:04,054 And it's not something that muscles, by definition, confer to a person. 377 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,223 Right? Yeah. So that's just saying what's on your mind. 378 00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:09,226 Saying, saying not necessarily saying what's on your mind, dude. 379 00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:11,103 Just being real. Yes. 380 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:14,690 Knowing what you truly believe, what your values are 381 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,902 and to not hide them when you come into contact with somebody 382 00:21:18,902 --> 00:21:24,700 that you feel might be radically different in the sense that I want to be liked. 383 00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:26,702 I want to keep my job. 384 00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:28,996 I want to not 385 00:21:30,205 --> 00:21:31,915 full any feathers. 386 00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:36,128 I mean, there's there is something to be said for 387 00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:40,549 for civility and and decency and respect, for sure. 388 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:44,511 But we don't necessarily hide what we believe 389 00:21:44,594 --> 00:21:47,681 because another person might become upset with us. 390 00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:51,852 So you can stimulate that emotion not from working out 391 00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:54,187 and being bluff, not from the we can you drive. 392 00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:58,650 I mean, outside of you can do that too, outside of those things with what you say. 393 00:21:58,650 --> 00:21:59,234 Well, yeah. 394 00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:04,323 Most of what you do to seduce a woman is, is use your words. 395 00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:08,702 Unless you're in a and you know, you're in a foam party and it's just pure 396 00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:12,247 physicality in the beat, you're going to have to use your words. 397 00:22:12,247 --> 00:22:17,044 And a woman's biggest erogenous zone is your mind the most successful seducers 398 00:22:17,044 --> 00:22:20,547 throughout history, the Don Juan's, the Casanovas, they weren't jacked. 399 00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:23,008 They weren't the richest guys. 400 00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:25,635 They weren't the smartest guys. 401 00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:28,638 But they used their language in a way 402 00:22:28,638 --> 00:22:32,184 to evoke a certain emotional response in the women. 403 00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:35,520 And they were also very bold, like, there are some 404 00:22:36,063 --> 00:22:39,441 fantastic stories in Casanova's journals. 405 00:22:39,441 --> 00:22:43,653 I think he was arrested in Venice one time, and he actually broke himself 406 00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:48,408 out of jail just so that he could seduce like, the judges wife, 407 00:22:48,408 --> 00:22:52,579 and then snuck back into jail by the end of the evening. 408 00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:55,374 Like, that's just the kind of guy he was. 409 00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:58,627 Let's move on to sexual marketplace value. 410 00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:00,337 okay? SMV. Sure. 411 00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:04,091 You said a woman's peak value in the sexual marketplace is between 412 00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:09,596 18 and 25, and a man's starts at 30 and then starts climbing. 413 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:13,266 What does that mean for men and women? 414 00:23:13,266 --> 00:23:18,146 Well, I do say that, but it's not just the idea that came into my mind. 415 00:23:18,146 --> 00:23:21,191 I say that because that's what the research says. 416 00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:26,655 So like according to men, women are most attractive. 417 00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:31,576 I think the most recent study is 23, which is the oldest it's ever been. 418 00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:35,038 Like that same study that was done 30 years ago. 419 00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:36,915 It was 21. 420 00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:39,709 So 23 is is pretty tough. 421 00:23:39,709 --> 00:23:44,005 And when you see the behavior of men 422 00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:47,968 selection on say like dating apps, 423 00:23:48,552 --> 00:23:52,222 men of all ages are still swiping 424 00:23:52,222 --> 00:23:56,601 most consistently on women who are around 22, 23 years old. 425 00:23:56,852 --> 00:24:00,313 Now, that was women might not ever even see those men's profile 426 00:24:00,355 --> 00:24:01,440 given their age filters. 427 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,317 But it's one of the great things about dating apps. 428 00:24:04,317 --> 00:24:04,985 Is it? 429 00:24:04,985 --> 00:24:08,864 It provides us an absolute treasure trove of revealed preference 430 00:24:08,864 --> 00:24:09,906 in behavioral data. 431 00:24:09,906 --> 00:24:10,907 It's not surveys. 432 00:24:10,907 --> 00:24:13,827 It's not talking to people on the street. What do you want in a man? 433 00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:17,706 What do you look for in a woman where there's all this social desirability bias? 434 00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:20,959 You see what people actually are doing behind closed doors 435 00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:25,297 when they think nobody is looking, and men are voting and saying that. 436 00:24:25,297 --> 00:24:28,633 We think that 23 year old women are peak. 437 00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:30,302 by the same token, 438 00:24:31,344 --> 00:24:32,971 women are showing 439 00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:38,560 with their behavior that they believe older men to be more attractive. 440 00:24:38,602 --> 00:24:41,605 According to one study, it was 50. 441 00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:45,025 According to the revealed behavior of women on dating apps, 442 00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:51,156 they the peak male age was 50, which seems a little old to me, 443 00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:56,369 but I think that probably late 30s to early 40s seems to be where men peak. 444 00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:58,246 And that's not me saying it. 445 00:24:58,246 --> 00:25:03,168 That's what women on mass seem to be saying with their revealed preference. 446 00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:06,254 So people peak at different times. 447 00:25:06,254 --> 00:25:07,297 Why is that the case? 448 00:25:07,297 --> 00:25:10,926 Because men and women are filtering for different things. 449 00:25:10,967 --> 00:25:14,846 Men, for better or for worse, they primarily 450 00:25:14,846 --> 00:25:17,849 use physical attractiveness as a standard 451 00:25:17,849 --> 00:25:21,603 for who they decide to approach and enter into relationships with. 452 00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:26,900 And that's kind of brutal, because not every woman is going to be beautiful. 453 00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:28,610 Not every woman is going to be attractive. 454 00:25:28,610 --> 00:25:29,569 We can all be more attractive 455 00:25:29,569 --> 00:25:32,572 than we currently are, but not everyone is going to be that way. 456 00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:36,368 that's why cosmetics is a multibillion dollar industry, right? 457 00:25:36,409 --> 00:25:40,747 It's like women are actually spending an inordinate amount of money on their hair, 458 00:25:40,747 --> 00:25:44,834 on their nails, on their skin, on on surgeries, on injections, 459 00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:50,090 in order to incrementally increase their SMV in the eyes of men, 460 00:25:50,131 --> 00:25:52,592 they often say that they do it for themselves or for other women. 461 00:25:52,592 --> 00:25:56,221 There's some truth to that, but these are all cues 462 00:25:56,346 --> 00:26:01,309 that men respond to, and I don't think that we can ignore that fact. 463 00:26:01,309 --> 00:26:02,060 It's not like 464 00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:06,940 they're making their elbows trimmer, like men don't care about elbows. 465 00:26:07,190 --> 00:26:09,442 You know, they're making their their face 466 00:26:09,442 --> 00:26:11,778 look a certain way, their breasts look a certain way. 467 00:26:11,778 --> 00:26:14,781 Those are cues that men recognize and pick up on. 468 00:26:14,781 --> 00:26:18,493 You've said that women's default move is to act 469 00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:21,746 as if they will never be more valuable than today. 470 00:26:21,746 --> 00:26:26,167 And men's default move is to commit before they've experienced the advantage 471 00:26:26,167 --> 00:26:27,043 that's coming. 472 00:26:27,043 --> 00:26:30,088 Sure, in terms of like game theory, 473 00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:35,427 most women are already past 23 years old. 474 00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:38,722 So if we're going to put that as a woman's, the average woman's peak 475 00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:43,101 SMV, then every year after that 476 00:26:43,310 --> 00:26:46,354 it becomes harder and harder to transact 477 00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:49,566 as good of a deal as it did last year. 478 00:26:49,566 --> 00:26:52,569 competition keeps getting younger, and 479 00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:56,323 I think that there's often 480 00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:59,326 in today's sexual marketplace, let's say, a failure of 481 00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:01,953 perspective taking. 482 00:27:01,953 --> 00:27:05,749 Like, I didn't get through with this, but we were talking about 483 00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:09,044 how men and women value different things in the game of mating and dating. 484 00:27:09,961 --> 00:27:11,254 What do women value? 485 00:27:11,254 --> 00:27:14,799 Women value resources status. 486 00:27:15,425 --> 00:27:16,718 They do physical attractiveness. 487 00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:18,386 That's actually becoming more and more important 488 00:27:18,386 --> 00:27:22,766 for guys these days, like especially height, abs, things like that. 489 00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:26,811 But having an extra lifestyle 490 00:27:26,853 --> 00:27:32,984 is much more important for long term mating in women's selection. 491 00:27:32,984 --> 00:27:37,447 So generally, with each passing year, a woman gets older 492 00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:41,868 and a man gets richer unless they screw something up there. 493 00:27:41,868 --> 00:27:42,619 Right. 494 00:27:42,619 --> 00:27:47,540 So most men are kind of long term prospects, 495 00:27:47,582 --> 00:27:50,669 like they reach peak status, usually around 50. 496 00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:53,838 And that could be part of why that study said that's where men peak. 497 00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:57,509 If they make good money and invest it well, 498 00:27:57,509 --> 00:27:59,928 they typically have higher net worth. 499 00:27:59,928 --> 00:28:01,554 They have a more extrapolated lifestyle. 500 00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:05,183 They're also more mature, which means that they're probably not going to chase 501 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:06,935 after everything that moves. 502 00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:08,395 They have emotional regulation. 503 00:28:08,395 --> 00:28:10,105 They have experience dealing with 504 00:28:10,105 --> 00:28:13,900 all kinds of different issues in life, which makes them a reliable partner. 505 00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:19,155 in general, it's a good idea for women on the population level to 506 00:28:20,365 --> 00:28:20,782 play to 507 00:28:20,782 --> 00:28:24,202 their advantages, like strike when the iron is hot, if this is 508 00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:28,832 when you are going to be most attractive to your potential customers, 509 00:28:28,873 --> 00:28:31,960 then like lean in hard and heavy to make sure 510 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,463 that you can get the best possible deal while you can still get it. 511 00:28:35,463 --> 00:28:38,758 And the best possible deal is generally a lifetime 512 00:28:38,758 --> 00:28:41,761 of protection and provision from a 513 00:28:41,761 --> 00:28:46,850 a high value man in the sense of how women define that high 514 00:28:46,850 --> 00:28:51,813 net worth, high resources, emotional regulation, etc., etc. 515 00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:53,898 and is the man just looking for looks only? 516 00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:54,441 Is that I mean, 517 00:28:54,441 --> 00:28:56,776 maybe that's the first thing, but is he eventually looking for other things? 518 00:28:56,776 --> 00:28:59,863 Or mainly it's about looks or looks and sex. 519 00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:02,532 And if I can, if I can get those two. 520 00:29:02,532 --> 00:29:05,076 And she's hot and she's young, I'm happy. 521 00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:08,079 Or is there or are there other things eventually that matter? 522 00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:09,247 Well, I think so. 523 00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:15,295 But like again, men overwhelmingly choose based on physical attractiveness, 524 00:29:15,336 --> 00:29:19,215 and there are some good reason for that. 525 00:29:19,215 --> 00:29:24,846 It's not just that men are shallower than women, it's that youth and fatality 526 00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:30,560 and physical attractiveness cues suggest that this woman is healthy 527 00:29:30,643 --> 00:29:34,272 and is more likely to produce viable, healthy offspring. 528 00:29:34,272 --> 00:29:36,316 But yes, I do think that for me 529 00:29:36,316 --> 00:29:38,693 personally, I mean, I've made that mistake. 530 00:29:38,693 --> 00:29:41,905 I've gaited women in the past just because they were incredibly attractive. 531 00:29:41,905 --> 00:29:45,283 And I've learned through my experiences 532 00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:48,286 that that is insufficient for a long term relationship. 533 00:29:48,286 --> 00:29:49,120 Absolutely. 534 00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,331 It's sufficient for the here and now. 535 00:29:51,331 --> 00:29:53,249 But if it's long term. 536 00:29:53,249 --> 00:29:54,250 But I will say that 537 00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:57,504 and I say that in the book, is that men will try harder and longer 538 00:29:57,504 --> 00:30:01,174 when they're dealing with a woman that they find very attractive. 539 00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:04,177 Like in my own personal case, the things I put up with and the things 540 00:30:04,177 --> 00:30:07,847 that I tried to do to save that relationship were beyond the pale. 541 00:30:07,972 --> 00:30:09,307 Right? Because she was 542 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:11,476 Let's talk about young men. 543 00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:11,643 Right? 544 00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:15,730 Because you said at 18, a young man is useless to women, right? 545 00:30:15,772 --> 00:30:19,067 He has no money, no status, no maturity, and he's useless 546 00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:22,529 to other men because he has no experience and no skills. 547 00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:28,117 And so he's kind of at the bottom of every hierarchy simultaneously. 548 00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:32,497 And it can stay that way for, who knows, a decade longer. 549 00:30:32,539 --> 00:30:32,747 Right. 550 00:30:32,747 --> 00:30:36,459 How does a young man out there listening kind of survive that reality? 551 00:30:36,626 --> 00:30:38,336 Just that it gets better. 552 00:30:38,336 --> 00:30:40,964 Like it's very difficult to be a young man. 553 00:30:40,964 --> 00:30:45,218 And I think that that is not appreciated sufficiently. 554 00:30:45,218 --> 00:30:49,055 And it's a big part, I think, why men in that age 555 00:30:49,055 --> 00:30:52,433 group have been considered kind of surplus, and they get shipped off 556 00:30:52,433 --> 00:30:56,604 to wars in cultures all over the world for hundreds or thousands of years. 557 00:30:56,604 --> 00:30:59,232 They are the disposable people. 558 00:30:59,232 --> 00:31:02,694 18 to 25 year old men are disposable people. 559 00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:05,113 They're probably not husbands and fathers. 560 00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:11,578 Yet we're not sending our our our engineers 561 00:31:11,578 --> 00:31:16,791 and our inventors and our financiers and our doctors to war. 562 00:31:16,833 --> 00:31:18,376 They don't have those skill sets yet. 563 00:31:18,376 --> 00:31:23,131 So if someone's got to go and they're also the strongest and most energetic 564 00:31:23,172 --> 00:31:26,593 that they're likely going to be, so 565 00:31:26,801 --> 00:31:29,929 they it's difficult to actually survive, 566 00:31:30,096 --> 00:31:34,017 like literally survive as a young man, especially in certain parts of the world. 567 00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:35,184 and that's the good news, 568 00:31:35,184 --> 00:31:37,270 like I was saying before, for better or for worse, men 569 00:31:37,270 --> 00:31:40,315 really, really, really care about a woman's physical attractiveness 570 00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:43,359 and some women are just not going to get there, right? 571 00:31:43,818 --> 00:31:46,696 Women really care about a bunch of stuff. 572 00:31:46,696 --> 00:31:50,033 Actually, it's it's kind of easier to get in with women 573 00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:52,994 because they don't just care about one thing. 574 00:31:52,994 --> 00:31:57,999 So there's a few different pathways, like you can be very, very attractive 575 00:31:58,249 --> 00:32:02,629 and you can get women for sure, but you could also be very, very rich. 576 00:32:02,670 --> 00:32:04,172 You could be very, very funny. 577 00:32:04,172 --> 00:32:06,341 You could be very, very famous. 578 00:32:06,341 --> 00:32:07,008 You could be, 579 00:32:07,008 --> 00:32:09,761 which is not the same thing as being rich. You could be very, very high status, 580 00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:12,472 which is not the same thing as being famous. 581 00:32:12,472 --> 00:32:15,642 There's a few different pathways, about game? 582 00:32:15,642 --> 00:32:17,018 Is game on their meaning? 583 00:32:17,018 --> 00:32:19,437 He's a five out of ten, but he just has game right? 584 00:32:19,437 --> 00:32:21,731 Game is is extremely important. 585 00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:25,193 Like women often like to think that game just doesn't work on them. 586 00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:27,654 But the best game is invisible. 587 00:32:27,654 --> 00:32:31,449 It's like they don't even think that the game is being run on them, 588 00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:36,537 and they believe it's their own decision to feel the way that they're feeling 589 00:32:36,537 --> 00:32:39,582 and to to move forward with this man and not some other man. 590 00:32:39,582 --> 00:32:43,920 If a man didn't have any of those things, but he had game, It helps for sure. 591 00:32:44,128 --> 00:32:44,754 Yeah. 592 00:32:44,754 --> 00:32:48,007 Like but the less of those other things you have, 593 00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:51,302 the more unremitting the game has to be. 594 00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:54,055 It's like marketing on some level. 595 00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:58,059 Like if your product isn't great, you have to resort to kind of 596 00:32:58,101 --> 00:33:00,144 just saturation campaigns. 597 00:33:00,144 --> 00:33:04,148 And so it's drilled into people's minds on some level. 598 00:33:04,148 --> 00:33:05,775 But the product is really good. 599 00:33:05,775 --> 00:33:07,735 You might not even have to advertise at all. 600 00:33:07,735 --> 00:33:10,655 Like, you know, Lamborghini doesn't advertise on TV. 601 00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:12,907 think you made the argument once that and you talked about this. 602 00:33:12,907 --> 00:33:16,744 There's a number of different things men don't necessarily 603 00:33:16,744 --> 00:33:20,123 because I think this is something that most men think about is like, men 604 00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:23,626 don't necessarily need money to attract women. 605 00:33:23,751 --> 00:33:25,336 Oh no, they don't, they don't. Yeah. 606 00:33:25,336 --> 00:33:27,130 I think I made an episode a while back called 607 00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:29,966 what works on Women are the three things that work on women. 608 00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:33,344 Let's see if I can remember the first, which you already discussed, is being able 609 00:33:33,344 --> 00:33:36,389 to stimulate a woman's emotions, which is primarily linguistic. 610 00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:38,641 You have to be able to evoke an emotional response. 611 00:33:38,641 --> 00:33:41,519 It doesn't have to even be a positive response. 612 00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:46,607 In fact, what people have learned is what can be even more stimulating 613 00:33:46,607 --> 00:33:51,654 is a combination of, let's say, positive and negative emotional experiences. 614 00:33:51,946 --> 00:33:56,117 Too many positive experiences get boring, unfortunately, 615 00:33:56,117 --> 00:33:59,996 and boring is is the absence of emotional stimulation. 616 00:33:59,996 --> 00:34:03,875 It's like the one emotion that doesn't work with women. 617 00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:06,085 The first is confidence. 618 00:34:06,085 --> 00:34:08,963 Like if you're a young guy and you don't have money, 619 00:34:08,963 --> 00:34:10,923 you don't have status, you don't have a lifestyle, 620 00:34:10,923 --> 00:34:14,552 you don't have fame, you don't have skills, you don't have abs. 621 00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,888 You might have abs. If you're young, could have abs. 622 00:34:16,888 --> 00:34:19,891 I mean, at the very least, that's something that you could do 623 00:34:19,891 --> 00:34:21,225 through your own discipline. 624 00:34:21,225 --> 00:34:24,353 And it actually doesn't cost you anything because abs are generally subtraction. 625 00:34:24,353 --> 00:34:25,146 It's not addition. 626 00:34:25,146 --> 00:34:29,233 It's like eating less and being there made in the kitchen, not in the gym, 627 00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,695 but the one thing you absolutely must have 628 00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:36,282 if you want a chance with women as a young man is confidence. 629 00:34:36,282 --> 00:34:39,952 And confidence doesn't cost anything right. 630 00:34:39,994 --> 00:34:43,414 And it's something that it might take 631 00:34:43,414 --> 00:34:46,501 a little practice to build a kind of 632 00:34:46,542 --> 00:34:50,463 an emotional callus, because you're going to get shot down a lot. 633 00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:55,885 I think of kind of approaching women to be something like baseball, 634 00:34:55,927 --> 00:35:01,140 like the best Hall of Fame hitters still struck out more than they got a hit, 635 00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:05,103 And confidence is easier to have when you have an established 636 00:35:05,144 --> 00:35:06,354 track record of success. 637 00:35:06,354 --> 00:35:08,523 And so that's generally the pushback I get from guys. 638 00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:11,818 But like, yeah, dude, I'd be confident if I had a million bucks 639 00:35:11,818 --> 00:35:15,154 and I had, you know, a beautiful wife. 640 00:35:15,154 --> 00:35:18,491 And you know, it's like, yeah, it's kind of easy to to be confident then. 641 00:35:18,699 --> 00:35:20,743 So you kind of have to fake it til you make it. 642 00:35:20,743 --> 00:35:25,164 Like you can have what I call psychotic confidence, which is belief in yourself 643 00:35:25,498 --> 00:35:28,167 before there's any evidence to support that belief. 644 00:35:28,167 --> 00:35:29,919 That's what kind of makes it a belief. 645 00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:33,297 And you have to believe in yourself before anybody else does, 646 00:35:33,297 --> 00:35:36,717 because nobody else will for a very long time. 647 00:35:36,717 --> 00:35:38,886 And then suddenly everyone is going to think, oh yeah, that guy. 648 00:35:38,886 --> 00:35:40,263 I love that guy. 649 00:35:40,263 --> 00:35:43,599 Like nothing happens for a very long time until everyone kind of more or less 650 00:35:43,599 --> 00:35:46,602 decides that. Oh yeah, that's cool. 651 00:35:46,894 --> 00:35:48,646 You've made it on some level. 652 00:35:48,646 --> 00:35:49,981 Was confidence your secret? 653 00:35:49,981 --> 00:35:53,860 Because you said as a theater actor in New York, 654 00:35:53,901 --> 00:35:57,572 you got laid more than a successful doctor. 655 00:35:57,780 --> 00:35:59,323 doing pretty well for myself these days. 656 00:35:59,323 --> 00:36:03,911 But yeah, I was I was broke as a joke, man, 657 00:36:03,911 --> 00:36:05,746 and I was living in public housing in Brooklyn. 658 00:36:05,746 --> 00:36:07,248 It was month to month. 659 00:36:07,248 --> 00:36:09,292 There were women who wouldn't 660 00:36:09,292 --> 00:36:11,544 tell their friends that they were coming home with me, you know? 661 00:36:11,544 --> 00:36:15,590 And back then I really wanted to have a wife and to have a girlfriend. 662 00:36:15,715 --> 00:36:19,802 People generally want what they don't or can't have in any given time. 663 00:36:19,844 --> 00:36:20,261 Right? 664 00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:22,305 My secret was I was pretty psychotic, 665 00:36:22,305 --> 00:36:26,601 confident, like I was very sure of myself and God knows where that came from. 666 00:36:26,601 --> 00:36:31,856 But the other thing, the third thing is that I was also a contextual alpha. 667 00:36:32,273 --> 00:36:37,945 A contextual alpha means that you are on top of a status hierarchy. 668 00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:42,742 And as an actor, that's what was going on. 669 00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:45,453 So I was often the leading man in these shows. 670 00:36:45,453 --> 00:36:48,664 Now, sometimes there was ten people in the audience, 671 00:36:49,290 --> 00:36:53,502 but I was the lead actor for those ten people, you know what I'm saying? 672 00:36:53,544 --> 00:36:58,007 You could be the lead guitarist for two guys at the local bar on a Tuesday, 673 00:36:58,049 --> 00:36:58,841 you know what I'm saying? 674 00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:00,968 So if you're on stage and everyone's 675 00:37:00,968 --> 00:37:05,014 looking at you and focusing on you and clapping for you, etcetera, etcetera, 676 00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:08,059 like there's something of a 677 00:37:08,643 --> 00:37:11,395 like something gets transferred onto you. 678 00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:13,356 It's almost like a totem. 679 00:37:13,356 --> 00:37:16,442 It's almost like a it's like magic. 680 00:37:16,734 --> 00:37:19,528 Right. that really does help. 681 00:37:19,528 --> 00:37:21,113 So the great thing 682 00:37:21,113 --> 00:37:25,409 about being a contextual alpha is you don't have to be like, there's 683 00:37:25,409 --> 00:37:29,163 so there's so many different scenes that you can be a part of. 684 00:37:29,205 --> 00:37:33,542 And if you can't find a scene where you can be near 685 00:37:33,542 --> 00:37:36,545 the top, you can create your own. 686 00:37:36,545 --> 00:37:39,966 I mean, that's all also hard work, 687 00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:43,219 but it's hard work to ascend a status hierarchy that preexisting. 688 00:37:43,219 --> 00:37:45,846 So it's like, pick your hard guy. 689 00:37:45,846 --> 00:37:50,726 The good news about building your own is that you build it around you 690 00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:54,814 with your own strengths and preferences and interests, so you're much more likely 691 00:37:54,814 --> 00:37:58,526 to have people who are into what you're doing because they come to you, 692 00:37:58,526 --> 00:38:02,655 and to remain in that position for an extended period of time. 693 00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:06,534 You said, what works to attract someone and what works to keep 694 00:38:06,534 --> 00:38:09,537 them are two entirely different things. 695 00:38:10,037 --> 00:38:12,915 I think most people maybe would assume, 696 00:38:12,915 --> 00:38:15,835 hey, if I can get someone then I can keep them, No. 697 00:38:15,835 --> 00:38:17,753 okay? Why is that wrong? Well, there's a few things here. 698 00:38:17,753 --> 00:38:22,174 So first of all, I talk about in the book that every relationship progresses 699 00:38:22,174 --> 00:38:23,676 through three distinct phases. 700 00:38:23,676 --> 00:38:27,013 There's attraction, negotiation and maintenance. 701 00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:29,890 So negotiation often gets skipped over. 702 00:38:29,890 --> 00:38:33,769 But we got attraction and getting and keeping attraction and maintenance, right. 703 00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:38,190 One thing you have to understand is that once a phase starts, it never ends. 704 00:38:38,190 --> 00:38:40,484 So that's the first mistake that people make. 705 00:38:40,484 --> 00:38:41,360 What does that mean? 706 00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:42,611 That means that sometimes people 707 00:38:42,611 --> 00:38:45,656 go through the trouble of getting somebody attracting somebody, 708 00:38:45,656 --> 00:38:49,577 and then once the relationship is stable, they think that they just have to 709 00:38:49,577 --> 00:38:50,870 worry about maintenance. 710 00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:51,537 No no, no. 711 00:38:51,537 --> 00:38:54,999 Once attraction starts, it never stops. 712 00:38:55,249 --> 00:38:59,587 It's just that now you also have to do attraction and negotiation. 713 00:38:59,587 --> 00:39:04,133 And then once that starts and it's successful, that never stops either. 714 00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:07,303 You now have to do attraction and negotiation and maintenance. 715 00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:09,638 So one of the things that people get wrong 716 00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:10,848 is they think, well, I'm in the maintenance phase. 717 00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:12,600 I don't have to worry about attraction anymore. 718 00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:13,893 No wrong. 719 00:39:13,893 --> 00:39:18,731 In general, it's a very good idea to continue to be and do the things, 720 00:39:18,773 --> 00:39:23,361 be the person, and do the things that your partner was attracted to to begin with. 721 00:39:23,486 --> 00:39:29,033 we undermine the basis of our own attraction to our own detriment mutually. 722 00:39:29,283 --> 00:39:33,079 So that's the first thing is that even though we're in maintenance, 723 00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:37,041 we still have to worry about attraction, which generally means keeping ourselves 724 00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:43,881 in decent shape, dressing in a way that is attractive to your partner. 725 00:39:45,216 --> 00:39:47,426 Doing things that keep you 726 00:39:47,426 --> 00:39:50,888 alive and interesting and excited 727 00:39:51,639 --> 00:39:54,642 and good to be around, etcetera, etc.. 728 00:39:55,518 --> 00:39:58,062 But yeah, 729 00:39:58,062 --> 00:40:01,357 attraction and maintenance are are totally different things. 730 00:40:01,399 --> 00:40:04,860 Attraction is like marketing. 731 00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:08,864 Often what works is bold and emotional. 732 00:40:08,906 --> 00:40:13,160 Like any successful marketing campaign doesn't sell the product. 733 00:40:13,202 --> 00:40:18,249 It either sells the solution or more commonly, it sells a completely 734 00:40:18,249 --> 00:40:22,962 unrelated attitude like Coke doesn't sell carbonated sugar water. 735 00:40:22,962 --> 00:40:26,090 It sells joy and friendship. 736 00:40:26,215 --> 00:40:30,177 You look at these medications that are sold to the general public. 737 00:40:30,219 --> 00:40:32,096 They don't sell a herpes remedy. 738 00:40:32,096 --> 00:40:36,642 They sell going to the beach and playing tennis with friends. 739 00:40:36,684 --> 00:40:37,476 You know what I'm saying? 740 00:40:37,476 --> 00:40:41,272 It has nothing to do with the product at all. 741 00:40:41,313 --> 00:40:45,568 But that's kind of what works with respect to the attraction. 742 00:40:45,568 --> 00:40:47,778 Is that herpes medication? 743 00:40:47,778 --> 00:40:49,864 Not so sexy. 744 00:40:49,864 --> 00:40:51,991 So we're going to pair that through. 745 00:40:51,991 --> 00:40:54,243 It's almost like a classical conditioning thing. 746 00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:57,288 We're going to pair that with an emotional stimulus 747 00:40:57,288 --> 00:41:01,792 that people enjoy that will be memorable, that will resonate. 748 00:41:01,792 --> 00:41:03,794 And eventually 749 00:41:03,794 --> 00:41:06,088 when they take that medication, they might even get to the point 750 00:41:06,088 --> 00:41:07,798 where they're thinking they're on the beach. 751 00:41:07,798 --> 00:41:09,091 Beer commercials do that. Great. 752 00:41:09,091 --> 00:41:13,429 You know, there's a bunch of guys sitting in dark bars drinking bad beer, 753 00:41:13,471 --> 00:41:14,847 thinking that they're in some beer 754 00:41:14,847 --> 00:41:17,516 commercial, playing volleyball with hotties on a beach somewhere. 755 00:41:17,516 --> 00:41:21,645 Like, that's how amazing successful advertising campaigns are, 756 00:41:21,645 --> 00:41:25,274 But if your product sucks, it's 757 00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:29,153 hard to keep people like you'll have a lot of churn with. 758 00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:32,031 For some products, that's okay. 759 00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:35,367 But in general, most products want repeat customers, 760 00:41:35,367 --> 00:41:38,662 and that means that your product also has to be good. 761 00:41:38,954 --> 00:41:43,417 So if they take the first sip of your beverage and spit it out, 762 00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:46,629 they're going to think I was fooled by the I'm not going to do that again. 763 00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:50,007 So they the company did get a sale, but 764 00:41:50,132 --> 00:41:53,135 probably isn't great for their long term solvency. 765 00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:55,429 Is there a moment in every relationship? 766 00:41:55,429 --> 00:42:00,017 I think it's what you call the crisis of disappointment, where the fantasy 767 00:42:00,017 --> 00:42:03,562 shatters and the real relationship either begins or does. 768 00:42:03,562 --> 00:42:05,523 Yeah, I call it illustration phase. 769 00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:08,651 no, that's still in the attraction phase. 770 00:42:08,651 --> 00:42:10,945 So that could be the end of the attraction phase 771 00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:13,155 and potentially the beginning of negotiation. 772 00:42:13,155 --> 00:42:16,825 So I call it the crisis of disillusionment. 773 00:42:16,825 --> 00:42:22,790 So a great deal of attraction is based on projected fantasy. 774 00:42:23,165 --> 00:42:26,168 I am seeing what I want to see 775 00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:31,632 and because I'm attracted, I am going to fill in the gaps 776 00:42:31,632 --> 00:42:32,550 in my knowledge base 777 00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:35,886 with what I would prefer to see there, which is generally what people do. 778 00:42:35,928 --> 00:42:38,931 We can call that a kind of halo effect. 779 00:42:38,931 --> 00:42:41,267 The issue is that it's only a matter of time 780 00:42:41,267 --> 00:42:44,728 before that projected fantasy comes into contact with reality. 781 00:42:44,728 --> 00:42:49,191 So either something big happens or there's just been accumulation 782 00:42:49,191 --> 00:42:54,029 of small things or inconsistencies, and then they aggregate 783 00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:57,575 a critical mass is reached in everything kind of shatters. 784 00:42:57,575 --> 00:43:02,079 And you're staring at this person almost for the first time, like, who are you? 785 00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:04,832 Like you're the same person I was seeing before. 786 00:43:04,832 --> 00:43:05,165 They don't. 787 00:43:05,165 --> 00:43:09,003 They might even look different within your perception. 788 00:43:09,253 --> 00:43:13,257 And this is when the relationship can potentially begin. 789 00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:15,926 Before it was actually a hall of mirrors. 790 00:43:15,926 --> 00:43:19,054 Like I'm using the shattering imagery intentionally. 791 00:43:19,054 --> 00:43:20,598 You're not actually seeing the person. 792 00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:25,269 You're seeing yourself reflected back on the surface of that person, 793 00:43:25,311 --> 00:43:26,562 your own and yourself. 794 00:43:26,562 --> 00:43:28,814 I mean, your projected fantasies that shatters. 795 00:43:28,814 --> 00:43:31,859 And so now you potentially see the other person for the first time. 796 00:43:31,859 --> 00:43:33,193 Great. 797 00:43:33,193 --> 00:43:36,905 It's great because you're probably not that invested 798 00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:40,159 in the relationship yet, like you might have been having a wild time. 799 00:43:40,159 --> 00:43:41,827 And if you didn't keep a rain on your emotions 800 00:43:41,827 --> 00:43:45,122 after six months, the honeymoon phase, maybe you're already engaged. 801 00:43:45,164 --> 00:43:48,709 Maybe you've met introduced this person to all of your friends and family, 802 00:43:48,709 --> 00:43:50,169 and you're very emotionally invested. 803 00:43:50,169 --> 00:43:52,338 Probably a mistake, right? 804 00:43:52,338 --> 00:43:56,133 You. It's not a good idea to really invest emotionally until after the crisis. 805 00:43:56,133 --> 00:43:57,593 Disillusionment, because you actually don't know 806 00:43:57,593 --> 00:43:59,720 what you're investing in, right? 807 00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:02,723 So now that you can begin to see the other person clearly, 808 00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:05,225 you can say, oh, this is who you really are. 809 00:44:05,225 --> 00:44:07,853 Okay, so maybe 810 00:44:09,021 --> 00:44:11,815 there are things here that I can work with. 811 00:44:11,815 --> 00:44:15,736 Maybe you do have the skills and the resources and the traits 812 00:44:15,736 --> 00:44:20,074 that I'm looking for with respect to my relationship goals. 813 00:44:20,532 --> 00:44:20,991 Great. 814 00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:24,244 We're going to tentatively move forward or I'm going to say, 815 00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:27,414 wow, I just don't know what happened. 816 00:44:27,414 --> 00:44:30,084 And I don't feel the same way anymore. I'm so sorry. 817 00:44:30,084 --> 00:44:33,087 And you cut your losses because you're probably 818 00:44:33,962 --> 00:44:36,131 not that far into the relationship at this point. 819 00:44:36,131 --> 00:44:39,510 And that's probably for the best than trying to fight 820 00:44:39,510 --> 00:44:45,349 to keep somebody in your life who seems to be looking for the door, 821 00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:47,393 what happens later on in the relationship? 822 00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:49,061 So after you've went on 823 00:44:49,061 --> 00:44:51,105 and now you're in maintenance phase and you're still trying 824 00:44:51,105 --> 00:44:53,190 to keep the attraction everything going what's happening 825 00:44:53,190 --> 00:44:57,069 psychologically when one person stops loving their partner? 826 00:44:57,569 --> 00:44:58,237 Well, 827 00:45:00,197 --> 00:45:01,532 you have to define 828 00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:04,910 love for me because that's the tricky word in that question. 829 00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:06,495 What do you think love is? 830 00:45:06,495 --> 00:45:08,789 look, I think depends on the person. 831 00:45:08,789 --> 00:45:11,625 But I think for some men, let's just say hypothetically, right. 832 00:45:11,625 --> 00:45:17,756 It could be, you know, the physical went away slowly over time. 833 00:45:17,756 --> 00:45:19,299 There was there was attraction. 834 00:45:19,299 --> 00:45:22,511 They first met, you know, it's like it's like when you 835 00:45:23,011 --> 00:45:26,181 when you're dating someone and you maybe you text the girl 836 00:45:26,223 --> 00:45:30,853 the eggplant emoji and she texts you back and then it's just boom, it's on versus 837 00:45:30,894 --> 00:45:33,230 that same relationship, let's say 3 or 5 years 838 00:45:33,230 --> 00:45:36,942 down the line when the same guy, same girl, 839 00:45:37,109 --> 00:45:40,279 you text her the eggplant emoji and she texts you back, oh you're disgusting. 840 00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:40,863 Get away. 841 00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:42,823 It's like, what's changed? 842 00:45:42,823 --> 00:45:45,159 Well, what's changed is her attraction. 843 00:45:45,159 --> 00:45:48,579 So I made an episode about this called The Lens of Attraction. 844 00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:53,667 Everything that you do is perceived through a woman's lens of attraction. 845 00:45:53,667 --> 00:45:57,045 And this is related to the crisis, disillusionment 846 00:45:57,045 --> 00:46:00,048 that we're saying, because that's a huge hit to attraction. 847 00:46:00,048 --> 00:46:03,260 They're much more likely to be attracted to their own projected fantasies 848 00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:04,720 than the reality of who you are. 849 00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:08,348 No matter who you are, the fantasy is always better than the reality. 850 00:46:08,348 --> 00:46:10,058 That's what makes it a fantasy, right? 851 00:46:10,058 --> 00:46:11,769 So even if you are, 852 00:46:13,020 --> 00:46:15,481 you know, a gorgeous, rich, A-list 853 00:46:15,481 --> 00:46:18,066 Hollywood actor who actually wants to settle down 854 00:46:18,066 --> 00:46:23,197 and have a family that's still going to be not as good as her projected fantasy. 855 00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:28,535 The same behavior looks different depending on the level of attraction. 856 00:46:28,535 --> 00:46:29,745 And we already know this, like, 857 00:46:29,745 --> 00:46:34,124 every trait has two kind of linguistic conventions about it. 858 00:46:34,166 --> 00:46:37,169 We could say on the one hand that I am 859 00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:40,506 a man of principle and I'm convicted. 860 00:46:40,506 --> 00:46:44,259 Or I could you could say that I'm stubborn and willful. 861 00:46:44,426 --> 00:46:48,472 We could say that I'm I'm discreet and I pick my battles. 862 00:46:48,472 --> 00:46:51,391 Or you could say that I'm cowardly and meek. 863 00:46:51,391 --> 00:46:56,438 You could say that you are a gourmet and with a refined palate. 864 00:46:56,438 --> 00:46:59,066 Or I can say that you're a glutton who doesn't know how to say no. 865 00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:01,652 It's the same behavior. 866 00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:05,614 It's just that I've already decided in the one case to feel positively 867 00:47:05,614 --> 00:47:08,826 about it, in the other case to feel negatively about it. 868 00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:12,746 It can't actually be about the thing being discussed, because it's exactly 869 00:47:12,746 --> 00:47:14,164 the same in both cases. 870 00:47:14,164 --> 00:47:16,166 So what's changed? The thing hasn't changed. 871 00:47:16,166 --> 00:47:17,876 The other person, the behavior hasn't changed. 872 00:47:17,876 --> 00:47:20,671 I've changed. And so 873 00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:25,676 if the eggplant emoji isn't working like it used to, 874 00:47:25,717 --> 00:47:29,346 that could be a canary in the coal mine in the sense 875 00:47:29,346 --> 00:47:33,016 that for whatever reason and there's always reasons, 876 00:47:33,141 --> 00:47:36,144 we don't always know them, but there's always reasons 877 00:47:36,770 --> 00:47:40,816 that woman's attraction for that man has decreased 878 00:47:40,941 --> 00:47:44,278 significantly, maybe all at once, but probably 879 00:47:44,278 --> 00:47:47,447 more likely slowly and gradually over time. 880 00:47:48,031 --> 00:47:51,076 And if I were working with that person, I would try to troubleshoot 881 00:47:51,118 --> 00:47:55,038 what that could be and to get it back online, To push the attraction, 882 00:47:55,038 --> 00:47:58,500 to stimulate her emotionally, to get things going. 883 00:47:58,542 --> 00:47:59,209 And then. 884 00:47:59,209 --> 00:47:59,585 well, yeah, 885 00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:03,672 because a woman who's not attracted to a man, she's going to perceive 886 00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:07,509 all of his behavior and all of his traits in the negative category. 887 00:48:07,551 --> 00:48:10,596 And it's and I think that's why she's 888 00:48:10,637 --> 00:48:13,682 kind of building a case for why she needs to leave. 889 00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:17,978 Women are more loyal to their feelings, and men are more loyal 890 00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:21,356 to their commitments in relationship, which is interesting 891 00:48:21,356 --> 00:48:24,610 because neither one of them are technically loyal to the other person. 892 00:48:24,818 --> 00:48:28,739 when a woman's feelings change and the attraction dips, 893 00:48:28,739 --> 00:48:32,951 then everything looks negative and she's building a rational case for why 894 00:48:32,951 --> 00:48:35,245 she might need to exit the relationship. 895 00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:36,914 Let's talk about body count. 896 00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:39,750 I've heard people say that it shouldn't matter. 897 00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:42,210 Some. Some people care. Some people don't care about it. 898 00:48:42,210 --> 00:48:43,712 What's your take on body count? 899 00:48:43,712 --> 00:48:46,590 I mean, it clearly matters to a lot of men. 900 00:48:46,590 --> 00:48:52,471 And there's probably good reasons for why that is the case. 901 00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:57,267 Personally, I think that with respect to the success 902 00:48:57,267 --> 00:49:01,772 of a long term relationship, it's probably more important to be that woman's 903 00:49:01,772 --> 00:49:06,234 first love than to be her first sexual experience. 904 00:49:06,485 --> 00:49:08,612 if you're the first man that she really loves 905 00:49:08,612 --> 00:49:12,783 and that she's very attracted to, there's kind of an imprint 906 00:49:12,783 --> 00:49:17,371 that that leaves on a person's mind or that person's heart. 907 00:49:17,371 --> 00:49:18,622 And that's really 908 00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:22,292 what's more important than if she has an intact hymen, in my opinion. 909 00:49:22,876 --> 00:49:27,631 We I also believe that men can be monomaniacal, focused on the number, 910 00:49:27,631 --> 00:49:30,676 and for better or for worse, men are probably 911 00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:34,012 never going to know the truth about what that number really is, 912 00:49:34,346 --> 00:49:38,100 and also that women tend to count differently than men do. 913 00:49:38,266 --> 00:49:39,768 Okay. Explain that. 914 00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:42,688 How are they counting differently? Well, you know, you got to think. 915 00:49:42,688 --> 00:49:45,190 You got to think like, sure. You got to think like a lawyer here. 916 00:49:45,190 --> 00:49:45,440 You know, 917 00:49:45,440 --> 00:49:48,151 it's like that doesn't count because They're lying 918 00:49:48,151 --> 00:49:50,612 or counting differently depending on what type of sexual experience. 919 00:49:50,612 --> 00:49:51,947 Well, I mean, they can lie. 920 00:49:51,947 --> 00:49:56,702 Women lie, men lie, but they don't in counting differently. 921 00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:58,453 They just they don't think of it as lying. 922 00:49:58,453 --> 00:50:00,205 They just think that that one doesn't really count. 923 00:50:00,205 --> 00:50:03,750 Maybe it doesn't count because it wasn't vaginal intercourse. 924 00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:06,086 Maybe it doesn't count because she was drunk. 925 00:50:06,086 --> 00:50:08,839 Maybe she doesn't count because she regrets it. 926 00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:12,342 Maybe it doesn't count because it only lasted 30s maybe. 927 00:50:12,467 --> 00:50:13,385 I mean, who knows? 928 00:50:13,385 --> 00:50:16,972 But these are all ways that it cannot count with women. 929 00:50:16,972 --> 00:50:20,017 And I don't think most men would agree with the accounting. 930 00:50:20,017 --> 00:50:21,309 So do you think body count? 931 00:50:21,309 --> 00:50:25,564 Look, let's talk about, you know, someone other that's let's say 30 to 45. 932 00:50:25,647 --> 00:50:27,983 They're dating their age is 30 to 45. 933 00:50:27,983 --> 00:50:30,402 Okay, okay. 934 00:50:30,402 --> 00:50:31,695 maybe it's higher or lower than body count, 935 00:50:31,695 --> 00:50:34,114 but they're 30 to 45 years old. 936 00:50:34,114 --> 00:50:37,117 They're dating Does a high body count and a woman 937 00:50:37,159 --> 00:50:40,662 predict anything meaningful about her as a long term partner? 938 00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:44,124 Do you think the research seems to suggest that it does? 939 00:50:44,207 --> 00:50:47,252 Yeah. what does that Well, it does. 940 00:50:47,294 --> 00:50:49,713 Well, it's kind of extrapolated. 941 00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:54,968 For example, there's data that show that the divorce rate is lowest 942 00:50:55,177 --> 00:50:58,305 when the woman is a virgin, 943 00:50:59,306 --> 00:51:03,727 it is not as low, but still significantly lower 944 00:51:03,727 --> 00:51:08,899 when she has only one body, it's not as low. 945 00:51:09,107 --> 00:51:12,110 So that we can extrapolate kind of a correlation. 946 00:51:12,110 --> 00:51:17,240 It's probably not strictly linear, because the top 1 or 947 00:51:17,240 --> 00:51:21,119 2% of both men and women really tend to skew the numbers. 948 00:51:21,161 --> 00:51:25,165 It's like The median number of sexual partners 949 00:51:25,165 --> 00:51:28,168 in a man is one. 950 00:51:28,502 --> 00:51:33,131 Or it might even be zero, especially under 30. 951 00:51:33,131 --> 00:51:37,594 But that's not the same as the average meeting as a type of average. 952 00:51:37,594 --> 00:51:38,595 But it's not the mean. 953 00:51:38,595 --> 00:51:41,264 So it gets kind of complicated there. 954 00:51:41,264 --> 00:51:45,477 thought is that the more bodies a man or a woman has, 955 00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:51,024 the less able that person is to pair bond in a long term relationship. 956 00:51:51,358 --> 00:51:57,072 I think that might be more true of women than of men, though I do know men. 957 00:51:57,114 --> 00:52:00,075 I've met them who kind of get lost in the game. 958 00:52:00,075 --> 00:52:03,912 They just become players and they might even be sex addicted. 959 00:52:03,954 --> 00:52:09,334 Their numbers are astronomical, and they've kept such a tight rein 960 00:52:09,334 --> 00:52:13,171 on their emotions that they might not know 961 00:52:13,171 --> 00:52:16,174 how to unclench that in a relationship, 962 00:52:16,758 --> 00:52:19,761 but I think it's very difficult. 963 00:52:19,761 --> 00:52:23,265 I mean, I made another episode about this where as I said previously, I think it's 964 00:52:23,265 --> 00:52:24,432 more important to be 965 00:52:25,725 --> 00:52:27,269 the, if possible, 966 00:52:27,269 --> 00:52:30,313 the first man and a woman really loves. 967 00:52:30,313 --> 00:52:31,982 And if you can't be that, 968 00:52:31,982 --> 00:52:35,735 then you absolutely have to be the best man she's ever had. 969 00:52:36,027 --> 00:52:40,365 that's also what makes it challenging as a woman has more bodies. 970 00:52:40,365 --> 00:52:43,368 So let's say on the extreme case, 971 00:52:43,368 --> 00:52:45,912 she's got 50. 972 00:52:45,912 --> 00:52:47,831 You're number 50. 973 00:52:47,831 --> 00:52:52,502 What's the likelihood that you are going to be better than the other 49 guys? 974 00:52:52,544 --> 00:52:55,630 Like in every capacity you're going to be that's, 975 00:52:55,672 --> 00:52:59,634 you know, 2% just is a random thing, but you're going to be the 2% lover. 976 00:52:59,634 --> 00:53:03,054 You're going to be the 2% in height and attractiveness 977 00:53:03,054 --> 00:53:06,808 and wealth and status and showing her emotional experiences. 978 00:53:07,058 --> 00:53:10,687 This is why when you go on TikTok, on Instagram, there's there's women 979 00:53:10,687 --> 00:53:13,690 who are talking to other women seriously. 980 00:53:13,690 --> 00:53:16,318 And they think, what's wrong with me? 981 00:53:16,318 --> 00:53:17,986 Like, I'm with a good man. 982 00:53:17,986 --> 00:53:22,032 I'm with a man who loves me, who cares from you, gives me foot massages 983 00:53:22,032 --> 00:53:24,326 while we watch sex in the city or whatever it is. 984 00:53:24,326 --> 00:53:29,873 But I'm still thinking about that one guy, and he didn't even treat me right. 985 00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:31,458 He didn't even commit to me. 986 00:53:31,458 --> 00:53:35,253 And it's like there was something about that emotional experience 987 00:53:35,253 --> 00:53:36,922 that imprinted itself on 988 00:53:36,922 --> 00:53:39,883 that woman's mind and heart, and it's made it difficult for her 989 00:53:39,883 --> 00:53:43,762 to be fully invested in her relationship, even though she might be married 990 00:53:43,762 --> 00:53:45,347 for ten years with kids. 991 00:53:45,347 --> 00:53:50,560 So that's kind of the danger with respect to that, in my opinion. 992 00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:54,189 You've mapped out the five possible end games for women in the sexual 993 00:53:54,814 --> 00:53:58,735 Oh yeah, and the math is pretty brutal, is it? 994 00:53:59,236 --> 00:53:59,945 Walk me through it. 995 00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:01,780 Oh, that episode came out a couple of years ago, 996 00:54:01,780 --> 00:54:05,700 so I might not have the statistics right at the top of my head, but. 997 00:54:05,992 --> 00:54:10,330 don't think it's as brutal, because the final analysis is that 998 00:54:10,372 --> 00:54:14,209 in most cases, women end up taking care of 999 00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:18,838 like we do know that in general, 1000 00:54:18,838 --> 00:54:23,510 60% of all women have reproduced and only 40% of all men have reproduced. 1001 00:54:23,551 --> 00:54:28,306 Women are just much more likely to pass on their genes. 1002 00:54:28,306 --> 00:54:30,976 And to end up with somebody. 1003 00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:36,982 It might not be their first choice, but they're not going to end up in the gutter. 1004 00:54:37,023 --> 00:54:38,275 The gutters are overwhelmingly 1005 00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:42,320 populated by men, that episode kind of hinges on the idea that. 1006 00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:47,242 You can either get the man that you want, or you can get the relationship 1007 00:54:47,242 --> 00:54:51,788 that you want, but it's very, very, very difficult to get both. 1008 00:54:52,163 --> 00:54:57,252 Like that's option A in that scenario in that episode there's five option 1009 00:54:57,294 --> 00:54:59,170 A is the best, which is that a woman 1010 00:54:59,170 --> 00:55:02,132 gets the relationship she wants with the man that she wants. 1011 00:55:02,924 --> 00:55:07,137 That what I'm suggesting there is that the guy is handsome. 1012 00:55:07,220 --> 00:55:12,309 Nuclear physicist makes eight figures a year, six foot four. 1013 00:55:12,767 --> 00:55:15,895 You know, it's like, think about your ideal person. 1014 00:55:15,895 --> 00:55:20,567 And he's loyal and he's commitment minded, and he gives you a wedding 1015 00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:22,193 and several kids or whatever it is. 1016 00:55:22,193 --> 00:55:25,697 It's like, that's extremely difficult to get. 1017 00:55:25,780 --> 00:55:28,533 It's extremely difficult to get. So I say that that's going. 1018 00:55:28,533 --> 00:55:32,871 I conservatively say that that's going to happen 1% of the time. 1019 00:55:32,871 --> 00:55:35,332 In reality, it probably happens even less. 1020 00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:40,253 But just to make the numbers easier to work with, I said 1%, 1021 00:55:40,253 --> 00:55:46,259 which means that a woman realistically has to look at herself and say, 1022 00:55:46,259 --> 00:55:51,598 could I beat out 99 other women for that same man? 1023 00:55:51,639 --> 00:55:57,062 Am I more physically attractive than 99 of my competitors? 1024 00:55:57,062 --> 00:56:01,775 Am I'm going to do the things that the other 99 won't do. 1025 00:56:02,108 --> 00:56:05,570 Like, on some level, the cost of winning is overpaying. 1026 00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:07,155 You have to be willing and able 1027 00:56:07,155 --> 00:56:10,700 to do the things that your competitors won't in order to win. 1028 00:56:11,159 --> 00:56:16,331 So like, how are you going to go above and beyond what the girl right behind 1029 00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:19,542 you can do, let alone the last, you know, the bottom 80%? 1030 00:56:19,542 --> 00:56:21,628 It's extremely difficult. 1031 00:56:21,628 --> 00:56:25,340 Now, the issue is that we're dealing with, in this case, 1032 00:56:25,340 --> 00:56:30,053 a very attractive man from a woman from women's perspective. 1033 00:56:30,095 --> 00:56:31,679 Right. 1034 00:56:31,679 --> 00:56:35,683 In general, men are in the sexual marketplace trying to exchange resources, 1035 00:56:35,683 --> 00:56:39,646 which is not just money, but resources more generally for sexual opportunity. 1036 00:56:41,689 --> 00:56:44,651 And in the regulatory sexual marketplace, more and more women 1037 00:56:44,651 --> 00:56:49,948 are concentrating their opportunity into the top percentiles of men. 1038 00:56:49,989 --> 00:56:53,368 This is a really great time to be alive 1039 00:56:53,368 --> 00:56:56,496 if you're a top 10% man, because 1040 00:56:57,580 --> 00:57:02,043 like 80% of the women are making a concerted effort 1041 00:57:02,043 --> 00:57:05,046 to put themselves in front of you and can entertain 1042 00:57:05,797 --> 00:57:09,300 all kinds of different sexual relationships with you, 1043 00:57:09,300 --> 00:57:13,638 like they might have to do what the other women won't in order 1044 00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:16,641 to secure even this man's attention, let alone his commitment. 1045 00:57:16,724 --> 00:57:18,643 Does that make sense? 1046 00:57:18,643 --> 00:57:24,441 So these men are unlikely to commit to any one woman. 1047 00:57:24,941 --> 00:57:27,569 Like the more optionality a man has. 1048 00:57:27,569 --> 00:57:31,865 Rationally, he's thinking, yeah, this one woman is great, but 1049 00:57:31,906 --> 00:57:35,535 is she better than the other five I'm currently dealing with 1050 00:57:35,535 --> 00:57:38,872 and the other ten I could be dealing with in this year alone. 1051 00:57:38,872 --> 00:57:43,293 And those are conservative numbers for some of the top men, right? 1052 00:57:43,334 --> 00:57:44,878 So now this woman has to be 1053 00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:47,922 better than every other woman that this man is actually currently 1054 00:57:47,922 --> 00:57:50,842 transacting with, and every hypothetical woman 1055 00:57:50,842 --> 00:57:53,011 that he could be transacting with in the future, 1056 00:57:53,011 --> 00:57:57,265 which will likely increase as he's already attractive now, 1057 00:57:57,348 --> 00:58:01,019 his fame, his status, his wealth are probably on the up and up, 1058 00:58:01,019 --> 00:58:04,022 which is what made him in the top 1% to begin with. 1059 00:58:04,105 --> 00:58:08,401 So most of these men are not going to be 1060 00:58:08,401 --> 00:58:13,072 the loyal, committed, exclusive family men that women might prefer. 1061 00:58:13,072 --> 00:58:17,744 So option B is the woman gets the man, but she doesn't get the relationship, 1062 00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:20,997 which means she has an arrangement a lot of these guys, 1063 00:58:20,997 --> 00:58:24,083 whether they're extremely wealthy or extremely famous 1064 00:58:24,083 --> 00:58:28,213 or they're very high status, they have arrangements with their wives. 1065 00:58:28,713 --> 00:58:32,509 We've talked about the don't ask, don't tell or I mean, certain 1066 00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:35,720 people have even written it into their prenuptial agreements, 1067 00:58:35,762 --> 00:58:37,305 you know, I think that's fair. 1068 00:58:37,305 --> 00:58:40,225 And anything if it works for them, if it works for them. 1069 00:58:40,225 --> 00:58:43,144 And is that what that woman would prefer? 1070 00:58:43,144 --> 00:58:44,229 Probably not. 1071 00:58:44,229 --> 00:58:47,774 I don't think any woman who really loves a man loves the idea 1072 00:58:47,774 --> 00:58:51,486 of sharing him with other women, but she might tolerate it 1073 00:58:51,486 --> 00:58:55,823 because she understands that if she were to draw a really firm line in the sand, 1074 00:58:55,865 --> 00:58:58,284 she would probably lose access to that man. 1075 00:58:58,284 --> 00:59:01,371 So she has the man, but she doesn't have the relationship. 1076 00:59:01,371 --> 00:59:02,288 she doesn't have everything. 1077 00:59:02,288 --> 00:59:05,875 So she's in some ways settling a little bit, but she's getting 1078 00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:08,127 what she wants. 1079 00:59:08,127 --> 00:59:10,171 Not everything she wants, but she's getting most of 1080 00:59:10,171 --> 00:59:13,174 most of what she Yes, but it's so difficult for any person, 1081 00:59:13,174 --> 00:59:15,927 man or woman to get everything that they want, right? 1082 00:59:15,927 --> 00:59:17,929 So it's got to come out of somewhere. 1083 00:59:17,929 --> 00:59:21,474 And I think a lot of people, a lot of women, if the man is attracted 1084 00:59:21,474 --> 00:59:24,769 enough, it'll come out of their relationship preferences. 1085 00:59:25,019 --> 00:59:27,272 And that's not something that's commonly talked about. 1086 00:59:27,272 --> 00:59:29,315 But I think that's the truth. 1087 00:59:29,315 --> 00:59:30,525 You've pointed out 1088 00:59:30,525 --> 00:59:34,237 that women actually punished the men that they're most attracted to. 1089 00:59:34,237 --> 00:59:35,488 it. Sure. 1090 00:59:35,488 --> 00:59:38,491 does attraction create that dynamic, and if so, why? 1091 00:59:38,533 --> 00:59:42,870 Well, you have to understand that punishment is a risky, labor 1092 00:59:42,870 --> 00:59:44,205 intensive thing. 1093 00:59:44,205 --> 00:59:45,873 Like, people don't argue 1094 00:59:45,873 --> 00:59:50,211 with people they don't care about and they can gain nothing from. 1095 00:59:50,211 --> 00:59:52,380 It's just a complete wasted effort. 1096 00:59:52,380 --> 00:59:55,174 And punishment is effortful. 1097 00:59:55,174 --> 01:00:00,680 It requires emotional resources, time, and it is a bit of a gambit. 1098 01:00:00,805 --> 01:00:04,684 And the purpose of most punishment is 1099 01:00:05,643 --> 01:00:08,646 to stop a certain behavior 1100 01:00:08,855 --> 01:00:11,858 and or to bring someone back in line. 1101 01:00:12,275 --> 01:00:14,861 You're not going to want to punish 1102 01:00:14,861 --> 01:00:17,864 somebody that you want to leave your life. 1103 01:00:18,031 --> 01:00:21,868 That keeps them potentially in your life does that. 1104 01:00:21,909 --> 01:00:23,911 You're giving me a face here. Does that make sense? So. 1105 01:00:23,911 --> 01:00:27,665 So if a man is getting tested, Well tested, and punishments aren't 1106 01:00:27,665 --> 01:00:28,791 necessarily the same thing. 1107 01:00:28,791 --> 01:00:32,754 okay, maybe he considers it He might think it's a punishment, 1108 01:00:33,379 --> 01:00:36,924 when a woman comes back at him with whatever 1109 01:00:36,924 --> 01:00:41,137 she's coming back with, he may think she's just being argumentative, but 1110 01:00:41,179 --> 01:00:43,014 is that potentially a green flag? 1111 01:00:43,014 --> 01:00:44,557 That's because she's interested. 1112 01:00:44,557 --> 01:00:46,351 She's she's interested in keeping this going. 1113 01:00:46,351 --> 01:00:50,521 She just wants one thing to change or It definitely means that she's interested. 1114 01:00:50,521 --> 01:00:52,482 It might not be a green flag. 1115 01:00:52,482 --> 01:00:53,566 I don't think it's a good sign. 1116 01:00:53,566 --> 01:00:54,651 I mean, to be honest, 1117 01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:59,447 I was inspired to make that episode around the events of Tom Brady's divorce. 1118 01:00:59,447 --> 01:01:05,244 And we know that after winning six Super Bowls, 1119 01:01:05,244 --> 01:01:10,667 he said he wanted to retire, but that didn't last very long. 1120 01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:13,586 And he says, no, I'm going to go back out on the field with the books. 1121 01:01:13,586 --> 01:01:17,173 And his wife was like, no, you know, you can't do that. 1122 01:01:17,215 --> 01:01:21,427 You know, started putting pressure on him, suggesting that maybe they're going to 1123 01:01:21,427 --> 01:01:25,390 separate if he doesn't leave football and stay home with her and the kids. 1124 01:01:25,390 --> 01:01:27,266 That was my understanding of it. 1125 01:01:27,266 --> 01:01:29,018 And he says, I got to do what I got to do. 1126 01:01:29,018 --> 01:01:32,271 I'm the goat of all time. 1127 01:01:33,231 --> 01:01:34,148 That's the T, right? 1128 01:01:34,148 --> 01:01:35,608 You know, I'm the greatest of all time. 1129 01:01:35,608 --> 01:01:39,028 You knew I was into football when you met me. 1130 01:01:39,445 --> 01:01:41,197 This is who I am. This is what I want to do. 1131 01:01:41,197 --> 01:01:42,240 And of course, he went on 1132 01:01:42,240 --> 01:01:45,660 to win the seventh with the books, which was awesome, right? 1133 01:01:45,702 --> 01:01:46,994 And they are divorced now. 1134 01:01:46,994 --> 01:01:49,414 And she's with the jiu jitsu trainer or something. 1135 01:01:49,414 --> 01:01:51,249 a lot of people don't know that 1136 01:01:51,249 --> 01:01:55,002 Gisella actually has a higher net worth than Tom Brady does. 1137 01:01:55,169 --> 01:01:59,132 And she got it from, I think, cosmetic industry. 1138 01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:01,300 So she does pretty well for herself. 1139 01:02:01,300 --> 01:02:05,722 And that's probably part of the reason why their divorce apparently was so 1140 01:02:07,140 --> 01:02:09,726 it wasn't contentious or long drawn out. 1141 01:02:09,726 --> 01:02:13,271 I mean, they're both famous personalities in the public light. 1142 01:02:13,271 --> 01:02:15,523 But that doesn't always protect you. 1143 01:02:15,523 --> 01:02:18,526 But her net worth was higher than his, as I understand it. 1144 01:02:18,526 --> 01:02:23,865 But do you think that she would have put pressure on Tom to return home 1145 01:02:23,865 --> 01:02:29,620 if she wasn't attracted to him, if she didn't want him around? 1146 01:02:30,413 --> 01:02:32,832 No. She would have said, that's okay, sweetie. 1147 01:02:32,832 --> 01:02:33,291 Good luck. 1148 01:02:33,291 --> 01:02:35,042 Bye bye. On some level. 1149 01:02:35,042 --> 01:02:40,047 So I could potentially see that kind of pressure as a punishment. 1150 01:02:40,047 --> 01:02:41,924 It makes my life more difficult. 1151 01:02:41,924 --> 01:02:46,220 And it's designed to coerce behavior in line with her preferences, 1152 01:02:46,262 --> 01:02:50,099 which is basically what a punishment, if it's successful does, 1153 01:02:50,099 --> 01:02:54,729 it makes you stop doing the thing I want you to stop doing. 1154 01:02:55,354 --> 01:02:57,607 That's how I know that it's a successful punishment. 1155 01:02:57,607 --> 01:03:01,194 And I'm only going to do that because I want you around 1156 01:03:02,320 --> 01:03:03,821 the women. 1157 01:03:03,821 --> 01:03:07,492 When women don't want anything from a man, they're not going to punish him. 1158 01:03:08,242 --> 01:03:10,369 They're not even going to insult him. 1159 01:03:10,369 --> 01:03:13,915 All of those things are more likely to keep him around, 1160 01:03:14,040 --> 01:03:18,711 and potentially to make the situation more dangerous or unsafe for her. 1161 01:03:19,086 --> 01:03:24,091 You said that the men who pay the most are the ones women are less interested in. 1162 01:03:24,091 --> 01:03:28,805 Well, it kind of comes from the idea that all men pay when it comes to women. 1163 01:03:29,388 --> 01:03:32,350 But the more she likes you, the greater the discount. 1164 01:03:32,350 --> 01:03:35,645 So men can pay in all kinds of different ways. 1165 01:03:35,645 --> 01:03:38,731 Just think about the average date is that I have to pay, 1166 01:03:38,731 --> 01:03:42,360 because I have to take the risk to ask you out, for you to say yes. 1167 01:03:42,360 --> 01:03:45,863 I have to have done all of this work on myself beforehand. 1168 01:03:45,863 --> 01:03:46,280 As I've said 1169 01:03:46,280 --> 01:03:50,868 before, it's taken me ten years to learn how to pick up a woman in ten minutes 1170 01:03:50,868 --> 01:03:52,995 because I had to learn how to be confident. 1171 01:03:52,995 --> 01:03:56,082 I had to learn how to be funny. 1172 01:03:56,082 --> 01:03:57,583 I had to learn to close. 1173 01:03:57,583 --> 01:03:59,919 I had to dress a certain way. 1174 01:03:59,919 --> 01:04:02,839 I had to present myself in a certain manner. 1175 01:04:02,839 --> 01:04:05,049 From her perspective, it just took a few minutes. 1176 01:04:05,049 --> 01:04:08,928 But that's the result of years and years of effort and experience. 1177 01:04:08,928 --> 01:04:09,846 then there's the date. 1178 01:04:09,846 --> 01:04:12,890 There's the time, there's the emotional engagement. 1179 01:04:12,932 --> 01:04:16,018 There's the money, there's the opportunity cost. 1180 01:04:16,936 --> 01:04:21,399 There's a lot that goes into dating and maintaining women. 1181 01:04:21,440 --> 01:04:25,444 I think in general, it's more expensive for men 1182 01:04:25,444 --> 01:04:28,781 to be in a relationship and more expensive for women to be single. 1183 01:04:28,781 --> 01:04:31,367 So take that as as you will. 1184 01:04:31,367 --> 01:04:36,914 However, the more a woman actually authentically desires 1185 01:04:36,914 --> 01:04:41,127 you and likes you, the less you have to do any of that other stuff. 1186 01:04:41,127 --> 01:04:45,965 However, if she doesn't like you, then on some level 1187 01:04:45,965 --> 01:04:50,344 she has to be compensated for her presence in the opportunity. 1188 01:04:50,344 --> 01:04:53,890 Cost of spending time with you over any other man 1189 01:04:53,890 --> 01:04:57,268 that she might even be more authentically interested in spending time with. 1190 01:04:57,268 --> 01:05:02,315 And so that's when you have the well, you got to send an Uber for me this way 1191 01:05:02,607 --> 01:05:03,316 and pick me up, 1192 01:05:03,316 --> 01:05:04,275 and we're going to have to go to 1193 01:05:04,275 --> 01:05:04,942 this restaurant 1194 01:05:04,942 --> 01:05:08,863 and not that restaurant and don't expect any, you know, funny business. 1195 01:05:08,863 --> 01:05:13,826 So that man is now paying for multiple expensive dates, is 1196 01:05:13,910 --> 01:05:18,748 patient, is spending a lot of money, spending a lot of time, and maybe 1197 01:05:18,789 --> 01:05:22,251 hasn't even succeeded in entering into a sexual relationship with that woman 1198 01:05:22,293 --> 01:05:25,588 because that woman actually doesn't want sex with that man. 1199 01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:29,467 She might allow him to access her sexual opportunity. 1200 01:05:30,092 --> 01:05:33,262 She might have to eventually, because she can only kind of 1201 01:05:33,429 --> 01:05:37,308 string him along for so long, but because she doesn't want that. 1202 01:05:37,308 --> 01:05:40,394 But she he has other things that she might want. 1203 01:05:40,478 --> 01:05:44,857 She's going to use the sexual opportunity as bait in order to get the 1204 01:05:44,857 --> 01:05:48,736 the dinners and the validation and the gifts and the travel. 1205 01:05:48,736 --> 01:05:52,782 And that might be enough, especially if she doesn't actually 1206 01:05:52,782 --> 01:05:54,825 have to go to bed with him at the end of the date. 1207 01:05:54,825 --> 01:05:55,868 What about the other way around? 1208 01:05:55,868 --> 01:05:59,914 What about the woman has the money the man that maybe a younger man. 1209 01:06:00,081 --> 01:06:03,084 he's the sexual opportunity for her, That can happen for sure. 1210 01:06:03,084 --> 01:06:06,796 I mean, we saw that with Gisella just a few minutes ago, right? 1211 01:06:06,837 --> 01:06:10,633 I doubt that jiu jitsu instructor was making more than than her, 1212 01:06:10,716 --> 01:06:11,634 you know what I'm saying? 1213 01:06:11,634 --> 01:06:16,555 So there is this opportunity and there's a there's a number of 1214 01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:19,642 examples of very 1215 01:06:19,642 --> 01:06:23,354 famous female pop stars or actresses 1216 01:06:23,479 --> 01:06:27,400 who do end up dating or even marrying younger men. 1217 01:06:27,900 --> 01:06:30,820 They tend to be very attractive. 1218 01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:31,612 Younger men. 1219 01:06:31,612 --> 01:06:34,407 They're like the cabana boys, you know what I'm saying? 1220 01:06:34,407 --> 01:06:38,119 They kind of have a boyish energy about them. 1221 01:06:38,119 --> 01:06:39,870 They could be vigorous sexual partners. 1222 01:06:39,870 --> 01:06:40,871 I've actually talked about this 1223 01:06:40,871 --> 01:06:44,750 in both the book and on the channel, is that sometimes the younger man, older 1224 01:06:44,750 --> 01:06:48,629 woman dynamic is really good for a number of reasons. 1225 01:06:48,963 --> 01:06:51,465 First and foremost is their libido. 1226 01:06:51,465 --> 01:06:56,387 They tend to be matched like young men can go all night, multiple rounds. 1227 01:06:56,387 --> 01:07:00,182 It seems that women tend to peak sexually in their late 30s. 1228 01:07:00,516 --> 01:07:03,978 I think some of that has to do with they finally become 1229 01:07:04,562 --> 01:07:08,024 comfortable enough with their own bodies and their own sexualities. 1230 01:07:08,065 --> 01:07:10,317 Like female sexuality is a complicated thing. 1231 01:07:10,317 --> 01:07:13,821 There's all these contradictory beliefs and statements 1232 01:07:13,821 --> 01:07:15,448 that women have to contend with 1233 01:07:15,448 --> 01:07:19,160 from the time that they're very young, so it's not an easy thing to do. 1234 01:07:19,326 --> 01:07:22,621 And but by the time they get to 1235 01:07:22,663 --> 01:07:26,250 that stage, they often are comfortable with their bodies. 1236 01:07:26,250 --> 01:07:28,711 They know what feels good. They know how to please a man. 1237 01:07:28,711 --> 01:07:31,047 They could be very experienced in the bedroom. 1238 01:07:31,047 --> 01:07:36,010 And the men, if he likes what he sees, he could go. 1239 01:07:36,594 --> 01:07:37,386 He can go all night. 1240 01:07:37,386 --> 01:07:40,056 And so it's like it can be fireworks. 1241 01:07:40,056 --> 01:07:41,557 Younger men and older women. 1242 01:07:41,557 --> 01:07:44,977 You've said one of the most costly mistakes men make is a 1243 01:07:44,977 --> 01:07:48,189 is emotionally investing in a woman too fast. 1244 01:07:48,355 --> 01:07:52,234 Sure, Once you give her the lollipop, you can't take it away 1245 01:07:52,234 --> 01:07:54,445 without creating a problem. 1246 01:07:54,445 --> 01:07:57,531 Walk me through what men are doing wrong here. 1247 01:07:57,782 --> 01:08:00,743 What goes back to what we were talking about with the crisis of disillusionment 1248 01:08:00,743 --> 01:08:05,873 is that you don't actually know who you're dealing with until that 1249 01:08:06,290 --> 01:08:09,919 shattering occurs, you're dealing with your own projected fantasies, 1250 01:08:10,044 --> 01:08:14,381 and some men can really get off to the races, especially if they don't 1251 01:08:14,381 --> 01:08:18,803 have a lot of experience with women, which could be because they're young 1252 01:08:18,803 --> 01:08:23,224 or they're not as attractive or for various other reasons. 1253 01:08:23,224 --> 01:08:28,187 And if the woman is very attractive and they start sleeping together, 1254 01:08:28,270 --> 01:08:32,274 he can very quickly get his emotions engaged. 1255 01:08:32,399 --> 01:08:35,820 Can happen with women as well let's say that this, this person 1256 01:08:35,820 --> 01:08:38,823 is very quickly getting ahead of himself. 1257 01:08:38,906 --> 01:08:41,867 And that's a problem because he doesn't actually know who he's dealing with. 1258 01:08:41,867 --> 01:08:45,871 All we really know is that he's very attracted to her physically 1259 01:08:45,871 --> 01:08:50,668 and that he likes what he sees, but he might not be seeing clearly. 1260 01:08:50,668 --> 01:08:54,839 In fact, we can almost guarantee that he's not seeing clearly. 1261 01:08:54,964 --> 01:08:58,592 And so we do kind of want to play a waiting game 1262 01:08:58,592 --> 01:09:01,679 until that disillusionment occurs so that, you know, 1263 01:09:01,679 --> 01:09:05,349 if this person is worth investing in for the long haul. 1264 01:09:05,349 --> 01:09:07,017 I think women can do the same. 1265 01:09:07,017 --> 01:09:10,229 So to me, that's at least six months 1266 01:09:10,229 --> 01:09:15,151 and probably closer to 12 before you kind of give her your heart 1267 01:09:15,151 --> 01:09:18,737 or give her that emotional connection because you're waiting to see 1268 01:09:19,196 --> 01:09:22,116 who she really is, maybe, or you're I don't know if you've had this 1269 01:09:22,116 --> 01:09:25,995 experience will, like you told me that you got married fairly young. 1270 01:09:26,245 --> 01:09:28,372 I hope that's not a secret to anybody. Right? 1271 01:09:28,372 --> 01:09:28,998 So I don't know. 1272 01:09:28,998 --> 01:09:30,708 Have you ever had your heart broken? 1273 01:09:30,708 --> 01:09:32,293 Yeah. You have. 1274 01:09:32,293 --> 01:09:32,918 Oh, okay. 1275 01:09:32,918 --> 01:09:36,714 So there was a little bit of dating experience before you met your wife. 1276 01:09:36,755 --> 01:09:37,298 Okay. 1277 01:09:37,298 --> 01:09:39,592 It sucks, doesn't it? Yeah. 1278 01:09:39,592 --> 01:09:41,552 Do you want to go through that shit again? 1279 01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:42,970 No, I don't think anybody does. 1280 01:09:42,970 --> 01:09:45,347 Right Well I know some would say yeah. 1281 01:09:45,347 --> 01:09:49,768 But if you're, you know, keeping your heart closed off and you're 1282 01:09:49,810 --> 01:09:53,898 kind of, and you're only going in and you're just maybe you're not diving 1283 01:09:53,898 --> 01:09:58,235 in, you're not giving your self the chance to feel love with that person. Why? 1284 01:09:58,235 --> 01:10:03,073 Why postpone that when if I'm feeling it, you're saying, no, really? 1285 01:10:03,073 --> 01:10:03,824 This is just. 1286 01:10:03,824 --> 01:10:04,992 Guys are just driven 1287 01:10:04,992 --> 01:10:08,287 by the looks, the sex, and that's just that's going to take over 1288 01:10:08,287 --> 01:10:10,789 and you're going to think you're in love, but you don't really know them yet. 1289 01:10:10,789 --> 01:10:13,209 So give it time before you really give them your heart. 1290 01:10:13,209 --> 01:10:14,460 Yeah, I would say that. 1291 01:10:14,460 --> 01:10:17,630 And I've heard that argument before, but it's respectfully 1292 01:10:17,671 --> 01:10:23,260 kind of a straw man argument when I say that folks should exercise 1293 01:10:23,260 --> 01:10:25,262 emotional restraint and to know who 1294 01:10:25,262 --> 01:10:28,682 they're really dealing with before they invest in people emotionally, 1295 01:10:28,682 --> 01:10:31,602 I am not saying, well, just close off your heart 1296 01:10:31,602 --> 01:10:33,896 and not feel any kind of emotions or love for people. 1297 01:10:33,896 --> 01:10:37,107 That's the total opposite extreme, 1298 01:10:37,441 --> 01:10:40,611 which actually might be 1299 01:10:40,611 --> 01:10:45,324 more successful in the sexual marketplace than the opposite extreme, 1300 01:10:45,324 --> 01:10:49,286 which is falling in love with every pretty thing that crosses your path. 1301 01:10:49,286 --> 01:10:50,537 we were talking about bad boys. 1302 01:10:50,537 --> 01:10:56,710 This is kind of kitty corner to bad boy, but there's like the stone cold 1303 01:10:56,752 --> 01:11:00,881 thug is one of the the sub archetypes of the bad boy 1304 01:11:00,881 --> 01:11:04,718 archetype, and that works like being inscrutable 1305 01:11:04,718 --> 01:11:11,558 and unemotional, can work on women because they get a little uncertain. 1306 01:11:11,850 --> 01:11:15,396 They don't know what's going on inside of that man 1307 01:11:15,396 --> 01:11:20,234 and that mystery and that inscrutability 1308 01:11:21,193 --> 01:11:23,445 is emotionally engaging. 1309 01:11:23,445 --> 01:11:24,446 I don't make the news. 1310 01:11:24,446 --> 01:11:28,242 I just report it, you know, whether it should or shouldn't be the case. 1311 01:11:28,242 --> 01:11:29,618 That's how it is. 1312 01:11:29,618 --> 01:11:33,872 And we know that's the case because that's an enduring subclass of men. 1313 01:11:33,914 --> 01:11:37,251 If it didn't work on enough women, we wouldn't see that trope. 1314 01:11:37,418 --> 01:11:38,002 have a friend. 1315 01:11:38,002 --> 01:11:41,005 He's married now, but when he was dating, 1316 01:11:41,046 --> 01:11:45,551 he treated dating apps like a pure funnel, right? 1317 01:11:45,592 --> 01:11:46,844 It was. Yes. That's correct. 1318 01:11:46,844 --> 01:11:49,638 I'm gonna write this many women. I'm going to track my reply. Right. 1319 01:11:49,638 --> 01:11:51,181 I'm going to a B test messaging. 1320 01:11:51,181 --> 01:11:52,808 It's like a sales funnel. funnel. Yes. 1321 01:11:52,808 --> 01:11:53,142 Good. 1322 01:11:53,142 --> 01:11:56,812 Is that the optimal strategy in today's environment for men? 1323 01:11:56,854 --> 01:11:58,355 For men, yes. 1324 01:11:58,355 --> 01:12:00,899 We know from the behavior. 1325 01:12:00,899 --> 01:12:04,403 I mean, a lot of women don't even swipe on dating apps. 1326 01:12:04,403 --> 01:12:08,324 They just go into the who liked you page and choose. 1327 01:12:09,116 --> 01:12:11,910 It's like picking fish in a barrel, right? 1328 01:12:11,910 --> 01:12:15,205 And we know from the statistics 1329 01:12:15,205 --> 01:12:18,208 that like a man has to swipe 1330 01:12:18,250 --> 01:12:21,879 500 times in order to get ten matches 1331 01:12:21,879 --> 01:12:28,135 to get three responses to get one date and maybe she shows up. 1332 01:12:28,135 --> 01:12:29,053 It's a coin flip. 1333 01:12:29,053 --> 01:12:32,389 So with men on dating apps, 1334 01:12:32,389 --> 01:12:37,311 it is absolutely a numbers game and you have to take massive action. 1335 01:12:37,353 --> 01:12:41,273 If the man is just using those technologies casually, 1336 01:12:41,315 --> 01:12:44,860 he's swiping 1020 times a day. 1337 01:12:44,943 --> 01:12:48,572 That means it's going to take 50 days to get to 500. 1338 01:12:48,572 --> 01:12:51,575 that's two and a half months, right? 1339 01:12:51,575 --> 01:12:53,369 Is he still did he keep it up? 1340 01:12:53,369 --> 01:12:55,537 Is he is he already hopeless? 1341 01:12:55,537 --> 01:12:58,832 I mean, he's been thinking about this and trying for two and a half. 1342 01:12:58,916 --> 01:13:01,251 I'm sorry. A month and a half is even there yet. 1343 01:13:01,251 --> 01:13:06,715 So if you're going to use a technology, you've got to use it correctly. 1344 01:13:06,715 --> 01:13:10,052 And for men, it's massive action. 1345 01:13:10,052 --> 01:13:11,095 On dating apps. 1346 01:13:11,095 --> 01:13:14,932 Nothing works without massive action on dating apps. 1347 01:13:15,182 --> 01:13:17,184 There's other ways to meet women besides dating apps, 1348 01:13:17,184 --> 01:13:18,685 but this is how men have to do it, 1349 01:13:18,685 --> 01:13:21,063 for better or for worse, because the vast majority of women 1350 01:13:21,063 --> 01:13:24,066 won't match with you, the vast majority of matches won't respond. 1351 01:13:24,108 --> 01:13:27,861 The vast majority of responses won't actually meet in the real world. 1352 01:13:28,112 --> 01:13:32,449 We know from self-report surveys that the number one reason 1353 01:13:32,574 --> 01:13:36,578 that women say that they're on dating apps is because they're bored. 1354 01:13:37,621 --> 01:13:40,457 They use it as emotional validation and stimulation. 1355 01:13:40,457 --> 01:13:46,088 About half the women on a dating app in any one time have no actual intention 1356 01:13:46,088 --> 01:13:49,091 of ever meeting a man from that app in real life. 1357 01:13:49,091 --> 01:13:50,050 It's a fun thing 1358 01:13:50,050 --> 01:13:54,513 she can do in the bathroom so she can flip through some pretty faces. 1359 01:13:54,555 --> 01:13:56,557 She can see, oh, this guy is kind of cute. 1360 01:13:56,557 --> 01:13:58,934 That's kind of nice that he thought that I was cute. 1361 01:13:58,934 --> 01:14:01,603 And then she can kind of go about her day and entertain her. 1362 01:14:01,603 --> 01:14:02,646 Optionality. 1363 01:14:02,646 --> 01:14:04,440 This is why men 1364 01:14:04,440 --> 01:14:08,735 can get upset about these sorts of realities, these sorts of asymmetries. 1365 01:14:08,735 --> 01:14:09,903 But of course, getting upset 1366 01:14:09,903 --> 01:14:11,572 isn't going to change anything, and it's certainly 1367 01:14:11,572 --> 01:14:13,991 not going to make him more effective in the marketplace. 1368 01:14:13,991 --> 01:14:15,993 So it's a better idea to kind of understand 1369 01:14:15,993 --> 01:14:18,203 what you're working with and adapt your behavior 1370 01:14:18,203 --> 01:14:21,123 in an iterative process until you get what you want. 1371 01:14:21,123 --> 01:14:23,584 Like, to me, that's rational. makes sense to me. 1372 01:14:23,584 --> 01:14:25,002 And the game is always changing. 1373 01:14:25,002 --> 01:14:28,464 Like we didn't have dating apps really ten years ago. 1374 01:14:28,964 --> 01:14:31,425 Who knows what we're going to have in ten years? 1375 01:14:31,425 --> 01:14:36,889 For the man out there listening maybe doesn't want to go the dating app route. 1376 01:14:36,889 --> 01:14:38,849 Maybe he wants to go in person. Right. 1377 01:14:38,849 --> 01:14:44,438 And his goal, like most single men goal is to hook up. 1378 01:14:44,438 --> 01:14:46,106 He wants to hook up this week, right? Okay. 1379 01:14:46,106 --> 01:14:50,152 And what the top kind of three things he should think about 1380 01:14:50,736 --> 01:14:52,488 if he wants to hook up this one okay. 1381 01:14:52,488 --> 01:14:56,241 Well first of all, let's talk about hooking up because a 1382 01:14:56,241 --> 01:15:01,830 lot of women are going to listen to that and think that's disgusting and terrible. 1383 01:15:01,830 --> 01:15:05,751 They're going to have a lot of judgment about a man who has 1384 01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:11,215 is his explicit intention to have short term sex with women. 1385 01:15:11,548 --> 01:15:16,678 My counter to that is that everything starts as a hookup. 1386 01:15:16,720 --> 01:15:18,430 Everything starts as a hookup. 1387 01:15:18,430 --> 01:15:22,142 In today's day and age, sex precedes commitment, for better or for worse. 1388 01:15:22,142 --> 01:15:25,145 That's the room that we're all located in. 1389 01:15:25,229 --> 01:15:29,358 The way it works in today's day and age is people go out on dates, 1390 01:15:29,358 --> 01:15:33,195 they initiate a sexual relationship, and neither one of them knows 1391 01:15:33,195 --> 01:15:36,031 if there ever going to see that other person again. 1392 01:15:36,031 --> 01:15:40,327 And the only thing that prevents that from being a retroactive one night stand 1393 01:15:40,327 --> 01:15:42,371 is that the two of them decide to go on a second date, 1394 01:15:42,371 --> 01:15:44,998 but though they don't know if it's going to be a two night 1395 01:15:44,998 --> 01:15:50,504 stand, it's like everything starts as a hookup until it gets strung 1396 01:15:50,504 --> 01:15:54,716 into too many different interactions over a certain amount of time. 1397 01:15:55,092 --> 01:15:55,801 People start to 1398 01:15:55,801 --> 01:15:59,555 like each other for other reasons besides the pure sexual attraction. 1399 01:15:59,555 --> 01:16:01,598 And then you're kind of 1400 01:16:01,598 --> 01:16:05,686 you have a nascent relationship that can then be structured and defined, etc., 1401 01:16:05,686 --> 01:16:10,232 but no one defines and structures the relationship first anymore. 1402 01:16:10,607 --> 01:16:13,360 Maybe they should, but they're they're not going to, 1403 01:16:13,360 --> 01:16:17,030 especially when there are options that are ready to go in the marketplace. 1404 01:16:17,114 --> 01:16:19,032 So what are three things. 1405 01:16:19,032 --> 01:16:21,118 So there are four ways to meet women. 1406 01:16:21,118 --> 01:16:24,413 There are there is cold approach or pickup. 1407 01:16:24,663 --> 01:16:26,582 There are dating apps. 1408 01:16:26,582 --> 01:16:29,585 There are social media and their social circle. 1409 01:16:29,585 --> 01:16:35,299 So meeting women in real life is either cold approach and or social circle. 1410 01:16:36,717 --> 01:16:40,012 If you're doing cold approach pickup. 1411 01:16:40,012 --> 01:16:44,474 Personally I like to go to like meat market bars for that. 1412 01:16:44,516 --> 01:16:49,479 You know, there's going to be places in any city that you live 1413 01:16:49,646 --> 01:16:53,942 that are really designed because of the layout of the place, 1414 01:16:53,942 --> 01:16:59,656 and they're the hip locations for people to go to meet each other, 1415 01:16:59,656 --> 01:17:03,577 like you should fish where the fish are on some level, 1416 01:17:03,577 --> 01:17:05,078 and there are some people who think, you know, 1417 01:17:05,078 --> 01:17:08,415 best place to meet women is Whole Foods or I guess arrow on these days. 1418 01:17:08,415 --> 01:17:10,375 You know, if that's your type. 1419 01:17:10,375 --> 01:17:15,213 Day game calls for a different approach then night game. 1420 01:17:15,505 --> 01:17:18,258 I prefer night game because people are more or 1421 01:17:18,258 --> 01:17:21,678 less there because they want to interact with other people. 1422 01:17:21,887 --> 01:17:25,223 You don't assume that they necessarily want to interact with you, 1423 01:17:25,223 --> 01:17:27,392 or that that interaction means that it's going 1424 01:17:27,392 --> 01:17:31,813 to lead to a sexual experience, but it's just easier 1425 01:17:31,813 --> 01:17:35,942 when people are going to a place with the intention of socializing. 1426 01:17:35,942 --> 01:17:41,365 And I think that's also what really helped me get over approach anxiety. 1427 01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:43,533 One is just repetition. 1428 01:17:43,533 --> 01:17:46,745 To get more comfortable with something or confident, you have to do the thing 1429 01:17:46,787 --> 01:17:49,790 enough times that you can trust that you can do the thing right. 1430 01:17:49,873 --> 01:17:53,335 So there's really no substitute to getting confident with approaching 1431 01:17:53,335 --> 01:17:56,963 women then approaching within a bunch of times. 1432 01:17:56,963 --> 01:17:59,091 But I think a lot of people, 1433 01:17:59,091 --> 01:18:02,969 a lot of men get anxious because they have too much riding on the interaction. 1434 01:18:02,969 --> 01:18:04,846 It's like it's not in my control. 1435 01:18:04,846 --> 01:18:06,640 If she's going to like me, it's none of my control. She's 1436 01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:09,434 going to give me your number, my control, if she's going to go home with me. 1437 01:18:09,434 --> 01:18:12,062 But what I can do is like, put the ball into play. 1438 01:18:12,062 --> 01:18:14,523 I can go up and and break the ice. 1439 01:18:14,523 --> 01:18:17,859 And then it's kind of her responsibility to hit the ball back. 1440 01:18:17,859 --> 01:18:20,445 And it doesn't really matter what I say. 1441 01:18:20,445 --> 01:18:21,530 I don't have to be funny. 1442 01:18:21,530 --> 01:18:23,031 I don't have to be charming. 1443 01:18:23,031 --> 01:18:25,701 I don't have to be smooth or risque. 1444 01:18:25,701 --> 01:18:28,453 I just have to put the ball into play as a man. 1445 01:18:28,453 --> 01:18:33,834 It's like a litmus test, and she's going to evaluate me very quickly. 1446 01:18:33,834 --> 01:18:36,753 Most likely there's already been some sort of evaluation going on. 1447 01:18:36,753 --> 01:18:39,923 You know, we've kind of like done the eye exchange across the bar. 1448 01:18:39,923 --> 01:18:43,176 So it's not like I'm totally blindsiding a girl. 1449 01:18:43,218 --> 01:18:44,344 Right. 1450 01:18:44,344 --> 01:18:46,805 So she has some ideas and judgments about me. 1451 01:18:46,805 --> 01:18:47,723 And if there's still some 1452 01:18:47,723 --> 01:18:51,643 if learning, that's probably a good sign, but I just have to put it into play. 1453 01:18:51,643 --> 01:18:54,896 And if she likes me, she likes what she sees or 1454 01:18:55,731 --> 01:19:00,068 what she perceives she's going to, she's going to make it easy for me. 1455 01:19:00,360 --> 01:19:03,447 If I tell a bad joke, she's going to do her best to laugh. 1456 01:19:03,822 --> 01:19:07,284 You know, she's going to try to help me because she also has a stake 1457 01:19:07,284 --> 01:19:10,370 in this potentially moving in the same direction. 1458 01:19:10,829 --> 01:19:14,958 The idea, I think, is that it's bad for men to think that 1459 01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:18,962 they're just like trying to take something from women that they don't want to give. 1460 01:19:19,212 --> 01:19:24,968 that's going to make you feel kind of creepy and awkward or whatever. 1461 01:19:24,968 --> 01:19:26,678 But it's also just not true. 1462 01:19:26,678 --> 01:19:30,056 It's like, why can't you have mutually satisfying relationships? 1463 01:19:30,098 --> 01:19:33,852 Like, when I approach a woman, I do so under the expectation that I can leave her 1464 01:19:33,894 --> 01:19:36,605 better than I found her, regardless of the outcome. 1465 01:19:36,605 --> 01:19:39,649 And so that's another thing, is to define the outcome as that 1466 01:19:39,691 --> 01:19:42,194 which resides entirely within your domain of control. 1467 01:19:42,194 --> 01:19:43,195 Like it's not in my control. 1468 01:19:43,195 --> 01:19:46,239 If I get the number, it's in my control if I ask for the number. 1469 01:19:46,239 --> 01:19:48,366 And so that's a win in my book. 1470 01:19:48,366 --> 01:19:50,577 If I asked, regardless of what the woman says. 1471 01:19:50,577 --> 01:19:52,913 And that's, you know, that's none of my business really. 1472 01:19:52,913 --> 01:19:55,332 If she says yes or no, it's my business. 1473 01:19:55,332 --> 01:20:00,128 If I follow my attraction and I go after what I want. 1474 01:20:00,545 --> 01:20:01,713 So far, so good. Yeah. 1475 01:20:01,713 --> 01:20:03,882 So Step one fish where the fish are. 1476 01:20:03,882 --> 01:20:06,218 Step two is it's a numbers game. 1477 01:20:06,218 --> 01:20:07,427 So you have to make the approach 1478 01:20:07,427 --> 01:20:11,056 make make the attempt to get yourself comfortable making those cold approaches 1479 01:20:11,181 --> 01:20:13,558 to get over your approach. Anxiety. Yes. 1480 01:20:13,558 --> 01:20:17,646 Another thing in terms of these markets, like I would call it, kind of going 1481 01:20:17,687 --> 01:20:21,233 hunting in the sense that I would put on my suit, go down to one of these bars, 1482 01:20:21,233 --> 01:20:24,236 and my goal would be to get like 1483 01:20:24,528 --> 01:20:28,532 ten, 15 numbers in an hour or two. 1484 01:20:28,573 --> 01:20:31,618 So that's another thing that men don't understand 1485 01:20:31,660 --> 01:20:36,081 necessarily, is if you approach a woman, it's a 2 or 3 minute interaction. 1486 01:20:36,081 --> 01:20:37,082 It doesn't have to. 1487 01:20:37,082 --> 01:20:38,834 You don't have to start the date right there. 1488 01:20:38,834 --> 01:20:40,752 You don't have to tell them your whole life story. 1489 01:20:40,752 --> 01:20:43,880 You don't have to do too much to prove your 1490 01:20:44,381 --> 01:20:47,217 your worth or your value to the woman. 1491 01:20:47,217 --> 01:20:50,720 It's like it's a little bit of banter and then you pull the trigger 1492 01:20:50,720 --> 01:20:52,013 and then you exit. 1493 01:20:52,013 --> 01:20:55,934 And personally, I don't really enjoy doing this, 1494 01:20:55,934 --> 01:21:00,021 which is why if I do it, I'm going to go and try to get the contact 1495 01:21:00,021 --> 01:21:03,066 information of some number of women. 1496 01:21:03,066 --> 01:21:06,236 And then I can then see where that goes over the next weeks and months. 1497 01:21:06,236 --> 01:21:09,114 So I don't have to do that every night or every week. Right. 1498 01:21:09,114 --> 01:21:11,032 And so let's talk about that cold approach. 1499 01:21:11,032 --> 01:21:12,367 Right. 1500 01:21:12,367 --> 01:21:15,537 How how should a man approach. 1501 01:21:15,579 --> 01:21:18,748 Are there one liners like what is that cold approach usually look like. 1502 01:21:18,790 --> 01:21:20,792 Right. So we're fishing where the fish are. 1503 01:21:20,792 --> 01:21:22,127 We're making the approach. 1504 01:21:22,127 --> 01:21:24,337 So step one fish where the fish are right. 1505 01:21:24,337 --> 01:21:24,921 These women 1506 01:21:24,921 --> 01:21:29,634 there's women that are at these bars and they're okay being approached by men. 1507 01:21:29,634 --> 01:21:31,469 They want to be approached. 1508 01:21:31,469 --> 01:21:36,057 One thing that men also have to understand is that it's very rare 1509 01:21:36,057 --> 01:21:40,437 for women to be alone in public, ever. 1510 01:21:40,437 --> 01:21:43,607 And it's very rare for them to be alone at these types of places. 1511 01:21:43,607 --> 01:21:45,400 They're probably with a girlfriend, 1512 01:21:45,400 --> 01:21:49,154 if not 2 or 3 girlfriends, and that can be intimidating. 1513 01:21:49,154 --> 01:21:50,780 I think a lot of women don't understand that. 1514 01:21:50,780 --> 01:21:52,824 I understand that they want to go for safety reasons 1515 01:21:52,824 --> 01:21:55,827 with their girlfriends or etc., 1516 01:21:55,994 --> 01:21:58,997 but it's hard enough to like, 1517 01:21:59,205 --> 01:22:02,626 stop a group conversation, single out most of the women 1518 01:22:02,626 --> 01:22:05,295 and just say, actually, I just want to talk to you. Sorry, lady. 1519 01:22:05,295 --> 01:22:08,006 what about about the opposite ignoring the one you really want? 1520 01:22:08,006 --> 01:22:11,009 some guys say that that's a good way to proceed. 1521 01:22:11,426 --> 01:22:16,181 I think that's a little disingenuous, but there's always, 1522 01:22:16,473 --> 01:22:20,602 you know, magic always requires smoke and mirrors to some extent. 1523 01:22:20,602 --> 01:22:23,229 So there's not one way to do everything. 1524 01:22:23,229 --> 01:22:29,235 But my point here is that women understand what's going on. 1525 01:22:29,277 --> 01:22:31,863 You're probably not the first guy to come up and say hi. 1526 01:22:31,863 --> 01:22:33,448 You probably won't be the last. 1527 01:22:33,448 --> 01:22:36,618 And so when you say, excuse me, the other girls 1528 01:22:36,660 --> 01:22:38,328 pay attention to their phone 1529 01:22:38,328 --> 01:22:41,456 and they turn away and they give you a few minutes of privacy, 1530 01:22:41,456 --> 01:22:44,626 and you have your moment of interaction, and then you peace out. 1531 01:22:44,626 --> 01:22:47,087 And then they go back to doing whatever they were doing before. 1532 01:22:47,087 --> 01:22:50,090 So you don't have to be concerned about approaching women 1533 01:22:50,090 --> 01:22:51,675 when they're with their girlfriends. 1534 01:22:51,675 --> 01:22:53,134 And does it matter what you say? 1535 01:22:53,134 --> 01:22:54,219 that's what I was saying earlier. 1536 01:22:54,219 --> 01:22:56,888 In general, it doesn't like don't there's not a script. 1537 01:22:56,888 --> 01:23:00,684 There's not a magic word or a magic phrase that just opens the doors to heaven. 1538 01:23:00,725 --> 01:23:01,184 Right? 1539 01:23:01,184 --> 01:23:06,272 It's really more about how you say it and the the vibe that you give off, like. 1540 01:23:06,272 --> 01:23:08,024 The only information that she's probably 1541 01:23:08,024 --> 01:23:11,152 going to have about you is the way that you look and how you're dressed. 1542 01:23:11,152 --> 01:23:15,865 And she's going to make some reasonable extrapolations from that data. 1543 01:23:15,865 --> 01:23:18,284 But who knows, right. 1544 01:23:18,284 --> 01:23:21,454 I don't know about it's probably a little nicer here in LA, 1545 01:23:21,496 --> 01:23:24,541 but like the billionaires in San Francisco look like the homeless people 1546 01:23:24,541 --> 01:23:28,670 sometimes it's very hard to tell if you're dealing with a guy who is, 1547 01:23:28,837 --> 01:23:32,882 you know, has mental illness or actually is a founder, right? 1548 01:23:32,924 --> 01:23:35,385 And sometimes there's an overlap. 1549 01:23:35,385 --> 01:23:38,263 So she's going to go 1550 01:23:38,263 --> 01:23:41,725 based on this limited amount of data. 1551 01:23:41,808 --> 01:23:43,560 that's like your first bottleneck. 1552 01:23:43,560 --> 01:23:47,522 So guys, if you're going out there and you're not getting much success 1553 01:23:47,522 --> 01:23:50,608 in the cold approach, it's probably with respect 1554 01:23:50,608 --> 01:23:54,320 to how you're dressed and your appearance, 1555 01:23:54,779 --> 01:23:58,074 how you say what you say is more important than what you say. 1556 01:23:58,199 --> 01:23:59,617 That's the vibe. 1557 01:23:59,617 --> 01:24:02,996 Act like you've been there before, and 1558 01:24:03,663 --> 01:24:07,667 the more repetitions that you do, the easier it will be to act that way. 1559 01:24:07,792 --> 01:24:13,006 a guy can't change his height, but he can focus on what he's dressed. 1560 01:24:13,048 --> 01:24:15,133 You know, he's doing his hair, he's cleaning, 1561 01:24:15,133 --> 01:24:17,927 he's cleaning up, he's making himself look halfway decent. 1562 01:24:17,927 --> 01:24:20,805 And then then it's about how he's saying it. 1563 01:24:20,805 --> 01:24:21,306 well, that's why 1564 01:24:21,306 --> 01:24:26,061 I also find the denigration of, like, the pickup seduction community 1565 01:24:26,603 --> 01:24:30,607 and nowadays, like the looks maxing thing to be kind of silly. 1566 01:24:30,607 --> 01:24:31,441 It's like, 1567 01:24:31,441 --> 01:24:32,233 yeah, there are things 1568 01:24:32,233 --> 01:24:36,321 that men don't have control over, but there's a lot of things that they do, 1569 01:24:36,321 --> 01:24:39,407 and there's men who are banding together and saying, here's how 1570 01:24:39,407 --> 01:24:42,619 you can improve the things that you have control over. 1571 01:24:42,660 --> 01:24:46,372 To make it more likely that you can enter into relationships with women. 1572 01:24:46,372 --> 01:24:47,916 Like, what's wrong with that? 1573 01:24:47,916 --> 01:24:49,751 don't think anything is wrong with I mean, it 1574 01:24:49,751 --> 01:24:54,714 certainly can be taken to dark extremes, but on the whole, 1575 01:24:55,215 --> 01:24:58,510 that's like making fun of people because they want to make more money. 1576 01:24:59,344 --> 01:25:01,971 Like, do you really want them to be poor their whole lives? 1577 01:25:01,971 --> 01:25:02,931 It's like, why? 1578 01:25:02,931 --> 01:25:09,354 Why not take action and learn skills to increase your financial attractiveness? 1579 01:25:09,395 --> 01:25:11,356 Same thing goes in the sexual marketplace. 1580 01:25:11,356 --> 01:25:13,441 Like you can learn to get better at it. 1581 01:25:13,441 --> 01:25:15,401 You can definitely present yourself. 1582 01:25:15,401 --> 01:25:18,696 Everyone can be more attractive than they currently are, period. 1583 01:25:18,696 --> 01:25:21,533 And it's not completely subjective. 1584 01:25:21,533 --> 01:25:25,036 Like we know that there are things that tend to work 1585 01:25:25,036 --> 01:25:27,038 and there are things that tend not to work. 1586 01:25:27,038 --> 01:25:30,875 Let's talk about what creates obsession in a man 1587 01:25:31,126 --> 01:25:34,921 Oh, from your clinical experience, right? 1588 01:25:34,963 --> 01:25:40,635 What actually creates obsession in a man? 1589 01:25:40,844 --> 01:25:43,721 mean, the main thing is really hot 1590 01:25:43,721 --> 01:25:47,100 sex is the thing that creates obsession in a man. 1591 01:25:47,142 --> 01:25:50,478 Like, one thing that we're talking about is 1592 01:25:52,021 --> 01:25:53,815 the emotional bond. 1593 01:25:53,815 --> 01:25:57,735 Like this goes back to the body count discussion that we were having earlier. 1594 01:25:58,695 --> 01:25:59,112 Okay. 1595 01:25:59,112 --> 01:26:03,658 So bonding, attaching to each other, we now know that 1596 01:26:03,658 --> 01:26:08,246 that's primarily facilitated through the neurotransmitter oxytocin. 1597 01:26:09,330 --> 01:26:11,708 What is the single most 1598 01:26:11,708 --> 01:26:14,711 important event for oxytocin release in men. 1599 01:26:14,878 --> 01:26:17,255 Sex Orgasm in particular. 1600 01:26:17,255 --> 01:26:20,425 That's when a man gets flooded with oxytocin, 1601 01:26:20,425 --> 01:26:22,635 which is why the post-coital cuddling 1602 01:26:22,635 --> 01:26:26,472 can be so important and why some guys who don't want to really be there, 1603 01:26:26,514 --> 01:26:29,809 they get up and they don't stick around, right? 1604 01:26:29,851 --> 01:26:33,104 They don't actually want to emotionally bond with the woman. 1605 01:26:33,146 --> 01:26:36,524 Maybe they have some, what might 1606 01:26:36,524 --> 01:26:39,527 we call it, post 1607 01:26:40,028 --> 01:26:41,821 insights, as it were. 1608 01:26:41,821 --> 01:26:44,908 And they're not going to stay in that location. 1609 01:26:44,949 --> 01:26:48,953 So this is part of the reason why sex just seems 1610 01:26:48,953 --> 01:26:52,498 to organically be hot and heavy in the early stages of a relationship. 1611 01:26:52,540 --> 01:26:55,418 Like I said, sex proceeds commitment. Today's day and age. 1612 01:26:55,418 --> 01:27:00,173 I actually don't know if I'm going to see you ever again, but if I want to see you, 1613 01:27:00,798 --> 01:27:05,887 then I want to do things that will get you bonded or attached to me, 1614 01:27:05,887 --> 01:27:10,016 because people tend to return to the folks that they're bonded or attached to. 1615 01:27:10,058 --> 01:27:13,061 What's the best way to get a man bonded to you? 1616 01:27:13,144 --> 01:27:17,065 Have sex with them like repeatedly over and over again 1617 01:27:17,065 --> 01:27:21,069 and do the things that maybe he's never done with any other woman. 1618 01:27:21,069 --> 01:27:26,199 I guarantee guys will be thinking about that years and years down the line. 1619 01:27:26,241 --> 01:27:29,118 Like that's the way to a man's heart. 1620 01:27:29,118 --> 01:27:30,578 They used to say it was through his stomach, 1621 01:27:30,578 --> 01:27:32,622 but it's actually a few inches lower 1622 01:27:32,622 --> 01:27:36,876 and we can be prudish or puritanical about that. 1623 01:27:36,876 --> 01:27:40,755 But then there's going to be a subset of women who will use that 1624 01:27:40,755 --> 01:27:43,758 to their advantage, and they're going to do that organically. 1625 01:27:43,758 --> 01:27:48,304 Like that's the that's the crazy thing is that women don't have to be told 1626 01:27:48,680 --> 01:27:51,933 to have hot, crazy sex with the men they really like. 1627 01:27:52,558 --> 01:27:55,019 They're they're already going to be doing that. 1628 01:27:55,019 --> 01:28:01,109 And that's why men can use a woman's sexual availability 1629 01:28:01,109 --> 01:28:04,570 to him as a proxy for her level of attraction to him. 1630 01:28:05,154 --> 01:28:10,243 If she makes you wait, if she says no to certain things, 1631 01:28:10,827 --> 01:28:14,747 that's probably a bad sign, because in all likelihood, there's 1632 01:28:14,747 --> 01:28:16,499 another guy who didn't have to wait, 1633 01:28:16,499 --> 01:28:20,169 and there was another guy who did get those behaviors. 1634 01:28:20,920 --> 01:28:24,173 And it's I guarantee that she's 1635 01:28:24,299 --> 01:28:27,343 was more attracted to that man than to you. 1636 01:28:28,177 --> 01:28:32,473 And she will wrap it up in it's like, I've I've made mistakes, that 1637 01:28:32,515 --> 01:28:34,809 I want to take things slow because I really like you. 1638 01:28:34,809 --> 01:28:38,354 That phrase needs to be deleted from Women's Playbook. 1639 01:28:38,396 --> 01:28:44,068 Like no man feels more liked when he waits for sex. 1640 01:28:44,068 --> 01:28:49,198 I guarantee it, the way a man feels liked is he has to do less. 1641 01:28:49,198 --> 01:28:52,910 He gets more for he gets more for less. 1642 01:28:52,910 --> 01:28:53,411 Basically, 1643 01:28:53,411 --> 01:28:57,665 that's how you know that you feel that you're special to a woman as a man. 1644 01:28:57,790 --> 01:29:02,003 Is that how a man bonds or feels the attachment? 1645 01:29:02,003 --> 01:29:02,587 Is it through? 1646 01:29:02,587 --> 01:29:05,548 Its through this amazing sex versus a woman? 1647 01:29:05,548 --> 01:29:07,717 It's more emotional. 1648 01:29:07,717 --> 01:29:10,678 it's not just sex, but sex is definitely. 1649 01:29:10,678 --> 01:29:15,475 It releases more oxytocin than pretty much any other activity for a man. 1650 01:29:15,475 --> 01:29:16,559 It's. 1651 01:29:16,559 --> 01:29:19,854 And the next few are just physical touch more generally. 1652 01:29:19,854 --> 01:29:25,151 So if you can't be actually having sex, you should be touching holding hands. 1653 01:29:26,235 --> 01:29:29,489 Casual touches on the shoulder, on the arm, smacking our. 1654 01:29:29,489 --> 01:29:31,199 But you know, stuff like that. 1655 01:29:31,199 --> 01:29:32,575 That kind of playful, 1656 01:29:32,575 --> 01:29:37,288 constant physical contact is actually really good for bonding. 1657 01:29:37,288 --> 01:29:38,164 It's very healthy. 1658 01:29:38,164 --> 01:29:43,169 And it shows that there's a strong, strong attachment to each other. 1659 01:29:43,419 --> 01:29:47,715 Women also release oxytocin during sex, but at different times 1660 01:29:47,715 --> 01:29:49,384 is generally not with their orgasm. 1661 01:29:49,384 --> 01:29:53,554 It's generally like when their their nipples are stimulated, because 1662 01:29:54,680 --> 01:29:57,433 the real main event for oxytocin 1663 01:29:57,433 --> 01:30:00,520 and women is is relative to children. 1664 01:30:00,561 --> 01:30:02,855 It's not to men. 1665 01:30:02,855 --> 01:30:07,819 And that's when a lot of the bonding occurs, is when the woman is breastfeeding 1666 01:30:07,819 --> 01:30:09,987 and the baby's looking up into the mother's eyes 1667 01:30:09,987 --> 01:30:11,239 and the mother is looking down into it, 1668 01:30:11,239 --> 01:30:13,658 and they have this unbroken physical contact. 1669 01:30:13,658 --> 01:30:16,494 That's when a lot of emotional bonding occurs. 1670 01:30:16,494 --> 01:30:20,498 In a vestige of that is when you play with a woman's nipples. 1671 01:30:20,915 --> 01:30:24,627 is the one thing a good traditional woman 1672 01:30:24,627 --> 01:30:27,922 is consistently doing wrong in the bedroom? 1673 01:30:27,922 --> 01:30:30,967 That leaves her with maybe less of a hold 1674 01:30:30,967 --> 01:30:34,762 over her husband than another woman? 1675 01:30:34,762 --> 01:30:38,975 I don't know what you mean by traditional, but what are they doing wrong? 1676 01:30:39,267 --> 01:30:43,646 Everybody has the things that they like and don't like, and that's fine. 1677 01:30:43,646 --> 01:30:46,941 And there are certain things that certain people just don't want to do. 1678 01:30:46,941 --> 01:30:48,276 That's also fine. 1679 01:30:48,276 --> 01:30:51,779 And I'm not here to argue that anybody should do things 1680 01:30:51,779 --> 01:30:54,824 that they're uncomfortable doing, or they don't want to do 1681 01:30:55,783 --> 01:30:57,577 in order to secure a relationship. 1682 01:30:57,577 --> 01:31:01,914 That's probably not a good thing to do, but in general, it's 1683 01:31:01,914 --> 01:31:05,126 probably a good idea to on the side of saying yes. 1684 01:31:06,669 --> 01:31:10,381 Then on the side of saying no, especially in those gray zones 1685 01:31:10,381 --> 01:31:12,925 where it's like, maybe you haven't even tried it yet, 1686 01:31:12,925 --> 01:31:15,803 or you don't even know if you're going to like it or not. 1687 01:31:15,803 --> 01:31:20,766 Just coming down on the no is probably not great 1688 01:31:20,766 --> 01:31:24,020 for the relationship, like relationships are for or forgiving. 1689 01:31:24,020 --> 01:31:28,858 Why go and enter into relationship to hold back now you don't give all at once. 1690 01:31:28,858 --> 01:31:31,068 We've talked about that several times in this conversation. 1691 01:31:31,068 --> 01:31:32,487 That's irresponsible. 1692 01:31:32,487 --> 01:31:33,863 You don't do that with your friends. 1693 01:31:33,863 --> 01:31:34,489 You don't do that 1694 01:31:34,489 --> 01:31:37,617 with people that you might enter into business relationships with. 1695 01:31:37,658 --> 01:31:41,913 Trust is formed slowly over time, but the ideal is you get to a relationship 1696 01:31:41,913 --> 01:31:45,208 that's so intimate and so safe 1697 01:31:45,208 --> 01:31:49,086 on some level that like you can you can give. Why? 1698 01:31:49,170 --> 01:31:50,463 Why hold back? 1699 01:31:50,463 --> 01:31:53,257 We don't we can't take anything with us anyway. Right. 1700 01:31:53,257 --> 01:31:54,467 And in general, 1701 01:31:55,426 --> 01:31:56,177 what makes a 1702 01:31:56,177 --> 01:31:59,180 sexual relationship a sexual relationship is sex. 1703 01:31:59,805 --> 01:32:01,849 And I say sex. Sexual relationships. 1704 01:32:01,849 --> 01:32:03,726 Because I think that's more honest than saying 1705 01:32:03,726 --> 01:32:06,938 romantic relationships, which is generally the euphemism that we use. 1706 01:32:06,938 --> 01:32:07,897 But I say sexual. 1707 01:32:07,897 --> 01:32:10,900 What makes a sexual relationship a sexual is sex. 1708 01:32:10,983 --> 01:32:16,322 And so I think it's a very good idea to prioritize the quality and frequency 1709 01:32:16,322 --> 01:32:20,326 and the timbre of that sexual experience, in the same way 1710 01:32:20,326 --> 01:32:23,287 that a professional relationship is about money. 1711 01:32:23,371 --> 01:32:26,832 most people's cases, it's the only relationships where they get paid. 1712 01:32:26,916 --> 01:32:31,128 Maybe they should prioritize their earnings in professional relationships. 1713 01:32:31,128 --> 01:32:34,090 Now, does that mean they have to be entirely mercenary? 1714 01:32:34,090 --> 01:32:37,343 And the only thing that they consider is how much they get paid? 1715 01:32:37,385 --> 01:32:40,972 No, that's the straw man counterargument to what I'm saying. 1716 01:32:40,972 --> 01:32:45,059 Clearly, people take into account other things, but it's probably for the best. 1717 01:32:45,101 --> 01:32:49,730 The most important thing is, is income in the vast majority of cases. 1718 01:32:49,772 --> 01:32:54,569 And if it's not income, it needs to be compensated by a series of perks 1719 01:32:54,569 --> 01:32:59,615 that are greater than the diminution in income relative to other options. 1720 01:32:59,657 --> 01:33:00,157 Right? 1721 01:33:00,157 --> 01:33:01,325 Same thing with sex. 1722 01:33:01,325 --> 01:33:05,037 It's like this is the one place that most people 1723 01:33:06,038 --> 01:33:07,790 go to for that experience. 1724 01:33:07,790 --> 01:33:11,377 In a in a committed, exclusive, monogamous relationship, 1725 01:33:11,377 --> 01:33:16,215 you are your partner's monopolized sex dealer. 1726 01:33:16,257 --> 01:33:18,217 You're the company store, like 1727 01:33:18,217 --> 01:33:21,846 we're going to pay you in scrip and it is only accepted here. 1728 01:33:22,054 --> 01:33:24,515 Imagine that store. We're closed. 1729 01:33:24,515 --> 01:33:27,310 Like if you're going to put all of these restrictions over 1730 01:33:27,310 --> 01:33:30,855 where I can shop, that store needs to be open 24 over seven, 1731 01:33:31,230 --> 01:33:34,942 barring some significant event, you know what I'm saying? 1732 01:33:35,192 --> 01:33:37,528 Otherwise, you might have to pay me in dollars, 1733 01:33:37,528 --> 01:33:41,407 which are transactional in many other locations. 1734 01:33:41,574 --> 01:33:44,201 What role does poor and play in all of this? 1735 01:33:44,201 --> 01:33:45,703 What certainly affected things? 1736 01:33:45,703 --> 01:33:48,914 I think the main way that it's affected the sexual marketplace 1737 01:33:48,914 --> 01:33:52,460 is that there's just fewer men in the sexual marketplace. 1738 01:33:53,711 --> 01:33:54,712 Women are 1739 01:33:56,255 --> 01:33:58,007 expensive one. 1740 01:33:58,007 --> 01:34:00,968 And I don't just mean that they cost money. 1741 01:34:01,135 --> 01:34:02,970 It they take a lot of time. 1742 01:34:02,970 --> 01:34:04,221 They take a lot of effort. 1743 01:34:04,221 --> 01:34:06,474 Most guys have to go through a lot of rejection 1744 01:34:06,474 --> 01:34:09,477 in order to get anywhere with anyone. 1745 01:34:10,394 --> 01:34:13,773 Sometimes it might be easier 1746 01:34:13,773 --> 01:34:16,776 and safer and more convenient and less expensive 1747 01:34:16,859 --> 01:34:20,237 to get some sort of sexual release using pornography. 1748 01:34:21,447 --> 01:34:24,450 It's kind of understandable from a rational perspective, 1749 01:34:24,450 --> 01:34:28,746 in the same way that women go to men for all kinds of different reasons. 1750 01:34:28,746 --> 01:34:34,085 But one of the things they go to men for is resources and validation and attention. 1751 01:34:34,085 --> 01:34:35,044 And it might be cheaper 1752 01:34:35,044 --> 01:34:38,756 and safer and more convenient for them to get that from social media. 1753 01:34:38,881 --> 01:34:43,177 So we have two technologies that have differentially ensnared 1754 01:34:43,219 --> 01:34:47,348 the genders, like men are by far more likely to use porn than women, though 1755 01:34:47,348 --> 01:34:49,934 women are doing their darndest to catch up, I'll tell you that. 1756 01:34:49,934 --> 01:34:54,689 And it's interesting, because the porn that women tend to use 1757 01:34:54,689 --> 01:34:59,485 is far more aggressive towards women than the porn 1758 01:34:59,485 --> 01:35:03,447 that men tend to use, which is interesting. 1759 01:35:03,447 --> 01:35:06,784 So men still are disproportionately affected by porn, 1760 01:35:06,784 --> 01:35:10,037 and women are still disproportionately affected by social media. 1761 01:35:10,037 --> 01:35:13,582 And it's just that these technologies make it easier 1762 01:35:13,666 --> 01:35:20,256 and safer and cheaper to get what you want. 1763 01:35:20,297 --> 01:35:23,926 Now, it might be a simulation of what you truly want. 1764 01:35:24,218 --> 01:35:27,179 Porn is not the same thing as sex with a partner. 1765 01:35:27,221 --> 01:35:31,058 Social media isn't the same thing as attention and validation from a person 1766 01:35:31,058 --> 01:35:32,309 that you actually care about. 1767 01:35:32,309 --> 01:35:33,894 Like, 1768 01:35:33,894 --> 01:35:36,230 this is something that I learned as an actor, and one of the reasons 1769 01:35:36,230 --> 01:35:37,690 why I walked away from that profession 1770 01:35:37,690 --> 01:35:40,067 is that there is a tendency to just seek applause. 1771 01:35:40,067 --> 01:35:44,613 But you, when you're on the stage, you can't even see who's applauding you. 1772 01:35:44,697 --> 01:35:48,701 Like, why does the adoration of faceless, 1773 01:35:48,951 --> 01:35:53,873 nameless people matter like it doesn't but likes? 1774 01:35:53,873 --> 01:35:58,461 And those numbers, they do create an emotional response. 1775 01:35:58,461 --> 01:36:01,505 The applause does create an emotional response. 1776 01:36:01,505 --> 01:36:07,052 And it takes a it takes a little bit to understand that this is kind of empty. 1777 01:36:07,178 --> 01:36:11,474 You know, it for most people don't get there immediately. 1778 01:36:11,474 --> 01:36:15,102 So I do think that the emotional stimulation 1779 01:36:15,102 --> 01:36:19,273 that comes from validation and attention through social media is real. 1780 01:36:19,273 --> 01:36:20,816 But is it as high quality? 1781 01:36:20,816 --> 01:36:24,445 Is it as good as attention and validation from somebody 1782 01:36:24,445 --> 01:36:28,115 that you actually care about, and whose opinion matters to you? 1783 01:36:28,908 --> 01:36:30,367 Absolutely not. 1784 01:36:30,367 --> 01:36:34,038 And pornography is definitely not a satisfying as sex, 1785 01:36:34,038 --> 01:36:37,041 but it's like it's kind of close enough, 1786 01:36:37,041 --> 01:36:41,712 I guess, given the advantages that these technologies afford 1787 01:36:42,213 --> 01:36:47,092 according to not me, but millions of men and women all around the world. 1788 01:36:47,092 --> 01:36:50,346 And that's another thing that's affecting the sexual marketplace today. 1789 01:36:50,346 --> 01:36:54,850 You've said being a man has nothing to do with a beard or hunting or football 1790 01:36:54,850 --> 01:37:00,773 or any of that stuff, that it comes down to two Yeah, a spine and a pair of balls. 1791 01:37:00,981 --> 01:37:02,691 I did say that. How to Be a man. 1792 01:37:03,692 --> 01:37:05,694 Well, I do think that 1793 01:37:05,694 --> 01:37:09,615 and I made that episode before the term performative masculinity kind of hit 1794 01:37:09,615 --> 01:37:13,285 the scene, that there is a kind of 1795 01:37:13,285 --> 01:37:18,123 performative machismo to masculinity. 1796 01:37:18,123 --> 01:37:21,126 And I think that has become 1797 01:37:21,418 --> 01:37:24,880 kind of a stand in because masculinity has been dismantled 1798 01:37:24,880 --> 01:37:28,551 over the last 50 to 70 years. 1799 01:37:28,843 --> 01:37:31,387 No one really had to talk about how to be a man. 1800 01:37:31,387 --> 01:37:33,889 It was like patently obvious. 1801 01:37:33,889 --> 01:37:37,560 But as that started to get challenged and to get and to fall apart, 1802 01:37:37,601 --> 01:37:41,772 then it became more there were things that were play acting 1803 01:37:41,772 --> 01:37:48,320 that were props or costumes to stand in for the appearance of masculinity. 1804 01:37:48,445 --> 01:37:52,491 And I do think that ultimately what comes down to being a man 1805 01:37:52,491 --> 01:37:57,371 is having a spine, which is in the sense of you're willing to stand up. 1806 01:37:57,872 --> 01:38:02,293 A spine, is what enables you to be erect, basically to stand up 1807 01:38:02,293 --> 01:38:06,547 from the undifferentiated masses and to say, this is who I am. 1808 01:38:06,922 --> 01:38:10,968 And this is really hard to do, like extremely hard to do. 1809 01:38:11,010 --> 01:38:15,097 The studies on conformity are very, very clear about this, 1810 01:38:15,097 --> 01:38:19,351 whether it's the study with the lab coat 1811 01:38:19,351 --> 01:38:24,732 where they ask the people to administer the shocks, or the studies 1812 01:38:24,732 --> 01:38:28,444 with elevators and people are turned different ways, it's 1813 01:38:28,485 --> 01:38:33,365 actually very difficult for people to even stand against 1814 01:38:34,658 --> 01:38:35,910 ten people. 1815 01:38:35,910 --> 01:38:41,749 That's kind of why that movie, 12 Angry Men, is perennially so relevant. 1816 01:38:41,749 --> 01:38:45,961 It's like it was extremely difficult for that one juror to stand against 1817 01:38:45,961 --> 01:38:47,922 even 11 other people. 1818 01:38:47,922 --> 01:38:50,466 Most people wouldn't have the ability to do that. 1819 01:38:50,466 --> 01:38:53,135 And that's because as soon as you stand up, you cast a shadow. 1820 01:38:53,135 --> 01:38:56,221 As soon as you stand up, no matter who you are, what you believe, there's 1821 01:38:56,221 --> 01:38:59,308 going to be darkness that gets attracted to it. 1822 01:38:59,308 --> 01:39:00,809 People are going to attack it. 1823 01:39:00,809 --> 01:39:02,519 People are going to disagree with it. 1824 01:39:02,519 --> 01:39:05,522 Some people are even going to want to destroy it. 1825 01:39:05,731 --> 01:39:07,733 But there's no escape from that. 1826 01:39:07,733 --> 01:39:10,736 Everything under the sun casts a shadow. 1827 01:39:10,819 --> 01:39:13,405 So the next part is balls. 1828 01:39:13,405 --> 01:39:15,282 If you stand up and you cast a shadow 1829 01:39:15,282 --> 01:39:18,327 and you start to attract that kind of attention and disagreement 1830 01:39:18,327 --> 01:39:22,665 and push back, then you have to have the willingness 1831 01:39:22,706 --> 01:39:25,709 to kind of put your money on the felt, 1832 01:39:25,793 --> 01:39:28,337 to walk the talk. 1833 01:39:28,337 --> 01:39:31,298 Otherwise you're just going to fold back down 1834 01:39:31,298 --> 01:39:33,342 as soon as you meet with that resistance. 1835 01:39:33,342 --> 01:39:36,512 And I do think that that's kind of testicular fortitude here. 1836 01:39:37,012 --> 01:39:40,891 And I think there are ways to do that that don't involve gutting a fish 1837 01:39:40,891 --> 01:39:44,478 or riding a horse or smoking cigarettes, or 1838 01:39:45,396 --> 01:39:48,232 having 100 women in your, 1839 01:39:49,233 --> 01:39:51,360 you know, sexual history 1840 01:39:51,360 --> 01:39:54,571 or driving a Ferrari or having a six pack. 1841 01:39:56,198 --> 01:39:58,951 All those things can be wonderful things. 1842 01:39:58,951 --> 01:40:01,787 I'm not putting any of those things down necessarily, 1843 01:40:01,787 --> 01:40:04,707 but that doesn't necessarily make a person a man. 1844 01:40:04,707 --> 01:40:06,834 I think what makes a person to the man is to have a spine, 1845 01:40:06,834 --> 01:40:09,920 to stand up for what you believe, and to have a pair of balls to say, 1846 01:40:09,962 --> 01:40:10,629 you know what? 1847 01:40:10,629 --> 01:40:12,631 Even though you're pushing back at me, even though you might 1848 01:40:12,631 --> 01:40:15,759 actually want to destroy me, I'm not going anywhere. 1849 01:40:15,759 --> 01:40:17,011 This is who I am. 1850 01:40:17,011 --> 01:40:19,722 And that's extremely difficult to do. 1851 01:40:19,722 --> 01:40:20,723 give me an example. Right. 1852 01:40:20,723 --> 01:40:24,601 Give me an example of is that just a man just saying, hey, like, you know, 1853 01:40:24,685 --> 01:40:26,270 this is what I believe. 1854 01:40:26,270 --> 01:40:27,730 Maybe these are some principles I have 1855 01:40:27,730 --> 01:40:29,648 and I'm just going to stand by these and I'm not. 1856 01:40:29,648 --> 01:40:31,734 Is that an example of having a spine in some balls? 1857 01:40:31,734 --> 01:40:33,694 Like, hey, here's some principles I'm going to live by. 1858 01:40:33,694 --> 01:40:35,654 I don't care what you think. I don't care what you think. 1859 01:40:35,654 --> 01:40:37,656 I don't care what anyone thinks. This is who I am. 1860 01:40:37,656 --> 01:40:38,365 This is how I'm gonna live. 1861 01:40:38,365 --> 01:40:40,534 Is that an example or what's an example that? 1862 01:40:40,534 --> 01:40:41,577 Spine and balls. 1863 01:40:41,577 --> 01:40:47,416 I mean, we saw a number of examples of that during the Covid shutdowns. 1864 01:40:47,458 --> 01:40:51,920 I mean, think about how difficult it was to be 1865 01:40:51,920 --> 01:40:56,300 somebody who was opposed to the mass vaccination program. 1866 01:40:56,341 --> 01:41:01,346 These were people who often were medical doctors or specialists 1867 01:41:01,346 --> 01:41:06,060 who were expressing reasonable concerns, and they received death threats. 1868 01:41:06,101 --> 01:41:08,145 They were fired. 1869 01:41:08,145 --> 01:41:14,068 They were canceled from social media platforms. 1870 01:41:14,109 --> 01:41:19,531 I mean, and I think that was done to send a message to other people 1871 01:41:19,531 --> 01:41:23,994 so that they don't start questioning the the program as well. 1872 01:41:23,994 --> 01:41:27,706 So I think that's a concrete example of having a spine 1873 01:41:27,706 --> 01:41:31,251 and a pair of balls is how many people do you know 1874 01:41:32,628 --> 01:41:33,253 said. 1875 01:41:33,253 --> 01:41:37,216 Wait a minute, I'm not so sure about this and actually resisted the social 1876 01:41:37,216 --> 01:41:39,426 and personal consequences of that decision. 1877 01:41:39,426 --> 01:41:40,969 Probably not many. 1878 01:41:40,969 --> 01:41:44,765 Let's talk about female disrespect in the boss test. 1879 01:41:44,765 --> 01:41:45,641 You have a test 1880 01:41:45,641 --> 01:41:49,269 for whether a woman's behavior toward a man is disrespectful, right? 1881 01:41:49,311 --> 01:41:53,482 Which is would you say this to your boss if you wanted to keep your job? 1882 01:41:54,066 --> 01:41:54,817 And that's the test 1883 01:41:54,817 --> 01:41:59,238 that I have suggested to women, because I think that oftentimes women 1884 01:41:59,279 --> 01:42:03,158 don't even know when they're being disrespectful to men. 1885 01:42:03,158 --> 01:42:07,121 And I've made some episodes on here are some examples that often fly 1886 01:42:07,121 --> 01:42:11,875 under the radar that men perceive as disrespectful, that women maybe don't. 1887 01:42:11,875 --> 01:42:13,377 And so that's the test to women. 1888 01:42:13,377 --> 01:42:18,006 Would you say the same thing in the same way to your boss? 1889 01:42:18,006 --> 01:42:20,551 If you want her to keep a job? 1890 01:42:20,551 --> 01:42:22,886 And the pushback 1891 01:42:22,886 --> 01:42:26,140 I generally receive from that is Orion. 1892 01:42:26,140 --> 01:42:28,684 He's not my boss. 1893 01:42:28,684 --> 01:42:31,770 And you can even see in that response 1894 01:42:32,813 --> 01:42:33,647 that she doesn't 1895 01:42:33,647 --> 01:42:36,650 even think of him as a peer. 1896 01:42:36,692 --> 01:42:40,779 Like there's it's dripping with contempt and condescension, 1897 01:42:40,821 --> 01:42:44,449 which is precisely where I'm coming from. 1898 01:42:44,449 --> 01:42:47,870 It's this, this attitude 1899 01:42:47,870 --> 01:42:52,457 that even if the man is not higher than her 1900 01:42:52,457 --> 01:42:57,087 in that relationship, structurally, this is how men perceive respect. 1901 01:42:57,087 --> 01:43:01,383 And why would you want, I mean, why wouldn't you want to 1902 01:43:01,425 --> 01:43:05,137 purge the disrespect from your tone or from your language 1903 01:43:05,137 --> 01:43:08,140 in order to have more satisfying, harmonious relationships? 1904 01:43:08,140 --> 01:43:12,936 It has nothing to do with who's actually higher than than whom. 1905 01:43:12,936 --> 01:43:16,815 It has to do with the fact that tones and word choices 1906 01:43:17,399 --> 01:43:19,902 are very. 1907 01:43:19,902 --> 01:43:23,405 That's really where attitude gets conveyed. 1908 01:43:23,739 --> 01:43:26,742 And when a woman 1909 01:43:26,783 --> 01:43:30,078 speaks to a man that she's in a relationship that way, 1910 01:43:30,162 --> 01:43:36,126 what she's basically communicating is I don't have any fear, 1911 01:43:36,501 --> 01:43:39,588 for better or for worse, fear is the basis of respect. 1912 01:43:39,796 --> 01:43:42,758 It always has been and it always will be. 1913 01:43:42,841 --> 01:43:46,678 I have no fear, because I don't think that 1914 01:43:46,720 --> 01:43:52,059 you're going to retaliate at all, and I don't feel like you're going 1915 01:43:52,059 --> 01:43:56,146 to get fed up and leave, and I could probably do better. 1916 01:43:57,105 --> 01:44:01,360 So this is a woman who is operating 1917 01:44:01,360 --> 01:44:06,031 from an actual place of, of privilege and power 1918 01:44:06,031 --> 01:44:10,077 with respect to that relationship, and this is how she uses it. 1919 01:44:10,702 --> 01:44:14,289 Imagine being the boss who speaks in that way to your employees. 1920 01:44:14,331 --> 01:44:17,376 Like if she doesn't think that the man is the boss, 1921 01:44:17,376 --> 01:44:20,545 but that she is, well, what kind of a boss is she? 1922 01:44:20,587 --> 01:44:22,214 What kind of who would want to work 1923 01:44:22,214 --> 01:44:24,591 for that fucking boss who talks to people that way? 1924 01:44:24,591 --> 01:44:25,634 You know what I'm saying? 1925 01:44:25,634 --> 01:44:30,264 So they have to leave aside the the literal structure of the relationship 1926 01:44:30,264 --> 01:44:34,434 and understand that regardless of the direction, it's not a good look. 1927 01:44:34,434 --> 01:44:36,436 It's not a good look to talk that way to your boss. 1928 01:44:36,436 --> 01:44:40,190 And it's not a good look to be the boss and talk that way to your employees. 1929 01:44:40,315 --> 01:44:43,443 And does that female disrespect actually 1930 01:44:44,194 --> 01:44:47,322 destroy the woman's own attraction for that man? 1931 01:44:47,322 --> 01:44:49,616 It's usually the other way around. 1932 01:44:49,616 --> 01:44:51,952 So the attraction drops for whatever reason. 1933 01:44:51,952 --> 01:44:56,206 And then the disrespect starts. 1934 01:44:56,456 --> 01:45:00,669 And what she might be doing, consciously or not, is 1935 01:45:00,669 --> 01:45:05,257 transforming that man into a person who would be easier to leave. 1936 01:45:05,340 --> 01:45:08,051 And what happens from the man's perspective? 1937 01:45:08,051 --> 01:45:11,722 Is it is it just he starts emotionally being disconnected after that? 1938 01:45:11,722 --> 01:45:16,935 Or the main problem that men have is they think that 1939 01:45:16,935 --> 01:45:20,188 women mean what women say. 1940 01:45:21,690 --> 01:45:23,358 There are gender differences 1941 01:45:23,358 --> 01:45:26,528 in communication when men are communicating. 1942 01:45:27,279 --> 01:45:30,282 The point is the conveyance of information. 1943 01:45:30,574 --> 01:45:33,452 We understand that communication occurred because you can more 1944 01:45:33,452 --> 01:45:37,706 or less summarize the the gist of what you've just heard back to me. 1945 01:45:37,706 --> 01:45:40,709 The key points, right. 1946 01:45:40,792 --> 01:45:44,379 So how does this create problems? 1947 01:45:44,463 --> 01:45:48,675 A woman might because she's lost attraction 1948 01:45:48,717 --> 01:45:52,012 and has begun to disrespect the man. 1949 01:45:52,054 --> 01:45:54,389 She might say something like. 1950 01:45:54,389 --> 01:45:58,060 Oh, I can't believe I have to remind you like three times 1951 01:45:58,060 --> 01:46:01,355 I've told you to take out the garbage, and the garbage is still sitting there. 1952 01:46:01,480 --> 01:46:05,400 And so the guy being a guy will listen to that 1953 01:46:06,026 --> 01:46:09,613 might feel a little at the tone, but we'll say, okay. 1954 01:46:09,654 --> 01:46:13,575 The problem is, I didn't take out the garbage 1955 01:46:14,701 --> 01:46:17,412 when trust me, if that woman were attended attend 1956 01:46:17,412 --> 01:46:20,957 attracted to that man, she probably would have said, oh, you, 1957 01:46:21,083 --> 01:46:23,502 you were probably too busy to take out there. So I did it myself. 1958 01:46:23,502 --> 01:46:25,587 Like it would not even be a problem. 1959 01:46:25,587 --> 01:46:28,048 Like no one would even be talking about the garbage 1960 01:46:28,048 --> 01:46:31,551 if there was a lot of love and attraction in this relationship. 1961 01:46:31,551 --> 01:46:32,511 But there's not. 1962 01:46:32,511 --> 01:46:34,554 And so now we're talking about the garbage. 1963 01:46:34,554 --> 01:46:38,183 But the men think woman has problem. 1964 01:46:38,350 --> 01:46:43,397 Therefore, if I solve a problem, woman will have no problem anymore. 1965 01:46:43,772 --> 01:46:48,360 And so this creates this creates problems 1966 01:46:48,360 --> 01:46:51,863 in the relationship because the man it doesn't solve the problem. 1967 01:46:51,863 --> 01:46:54,032 If the guy starts taking out the garbage, 1968 01:46:54,032 --> 01:46:58,078 the women will find some other thing that is the issue. 1969 01:46:58,203 --> 01:47:02,124 And so the man feels increasingly frustrated and he's like, 1970 01:47:02,124 --> 01:47:04,126 no matter what I do, it's like I. 1971 01:47:04,126 --> 01:47:05,377 I pay for everything. 1972 01:47:05,377 --> 01:47:07,546 I take out the garbage, I do all the housework. 1973 01:47:07,546 --> 01:47:09,965 It's like, and she still pissed at me. 1974 01:47:09,965 --> 01:47:13,760 But that compliance generally does 1975 01:47:13,760 --> 01:47:19,724 not improve his standing in her mind, unfortunately, or for better or for worse, 1976 01:47:19,724 --> 01:47:25,480 I should say women are not attracted to compliant men, 1977 01:47:26,106 --> 01:47:29,276 and that's part of the bad boy energy that we were giving out earlier. 1978 01:47:29,276 --> 01:47:34,948 It's like James Sexton said, you know, the guy who stops at yellow 1979 01:47:34,990 --> 01:47:37,242 lights is not going to do the thing that you like. 1980 01:47:37,242 --> 01:47:40,620 Men who are willing to break the rules if necessary, 1981 01:47:40,620 --> 01:47:45,459 who are able to say no and to weather the consequences, 1982 01:47:45,459 --> 01:47:49,754 are always going to be perceived as stronger and safer than men who don't. 1983 01:47:50,797 --> 01:47:55,051 So again, I keep saying that for better or for worse, 1984 01:47:55,260 --> 01:48:00,056 noncompliance tends to be more attractive to women than compliance. 1985 01:48:00,056 --> 01:48:04,853 Which leads to this very strange situation that you might actually get a woman 1986 01:48:04,853 --> 01:48:08,607 to like you more by giving her less of what she says that she wants, 1987 01:48:09,357 --> 01:48:13,653 which is really bad news for kind of the nice guy romantics out there 1988 01:48:13,987 --> 01:48:17,032 who just want to be able to give a woman what she wants. 1989 01:48:17,032 --> 01:48:17,908 Wouldn't that be nice? 1990 01:48:17,908 --> 01:48:21,703 Because I sure would like to get what I want, because men communicate 1991 01:48:21,703 --> 01:48:26,625 more directly with respect to their to the information conveyed, right? 1992 01:48:26,750 --> 01:48:30,462 When a man says something to someone, you know, 1993 01:48:30,545 --> 01:48:33,632 to another man, they're taking it very literally, literally. 1994 01:48:33,673 --> 01:48:37,135 He's you know, if you repeat that back to me, I'm like, okay, he got it. 1995 01:48:37,177 --> 01:48:40,972 Versus with a woman, she may tell you something, but really 1996 01:48:40,972 --> 01:48:42,474 there's something else going on there. 1997 01:48:42,474 --> 01:48:46,770 And it's or it's, it's it's not it's connecting with her emotion. 1998 01:48:46,770 --> 01:48:47,979 So let's take that same example. 1999 01:48:47,979 --> 01:48:51,233 Right. Let's say she's complaining. 2000 01:48:51,274 --> 01:48:53,944 Take out the trash. You didn't take out the trash. Let's say. Right. 2001 01:48:55,529 --> 01:48:56,071 The man in 2002 01:48:56,071 --> 01:48:59,616 that situation, you're saying maybe take out the trash yourself. 2003 01:48:59,616 --> 01:49:00,742 Maybe give her a little pushback, 2004 01:49:00,742 --> 01:49:04,162 but also to realize that that's not about the trash. 2005 01:49:04,204 --> 01:49:05,956 There's something else going on here. 2006 01:49:05,956 --> 01:49:08,124 Maybe let's work on the attraction. 2007 01:49:08,124 --> 01:49:09,543 Maybe let's work on the seduction. 2008 01:49:09,543 --> 01:49:12,754 Maybe let's work on stimulating her emotionally or these other core 2009 01:49:12,754 --> 01:49:13,922 things of the relationship. 2010 01:49:13,922 --> 01:49:17,008 And then if I work on those and we can get back 2011 01:49:17,008 --> 01:49:20,428 to a good place over here, she won't complain at all. 2012 01:49:20,637 --> 01:49:25,183 Says a woman who is very attracted to a man does not complain, period. 2013 01:49:25,225 --> 01:49:27,352 So if a woman is complaining. 2014 01:49:27,352 --> 01:49:30,188 She there's attraction problem somewhere. 2015 01:49:30,188 --> 01:49:32,232 just physical, it's the emotional. 2016 01:49:32,232 --> 01:49:36,528 Yes, yes, but physical helps as well. 2017 01:49:36,570 --> 01:49:40,532 Let's not sweep that under the rug because it's somehow superficial 2018 01:49:40,532 --> 01:49:44,953 or not as noble as the emotional component. 2019 01:49:45,912 --> 01:49:47,831 So if men 2020 01:49:47,831 --> 01:49:51,793 use communication as the conveyance of information of ideas, 2021 01:49:51,793 --> 01:49:55,964 women tend to use communication as a conveyance of emotion. 2022 01:49:55,964 --> 01:50:00,677 So this woman was the actual 2023 01:50:01,845 --> 01:50:04,055 intention in this hypothetical situation, 2024 01:50:04,055 --> 01:50:07,058 is that she was not actually trying to communicate about the garbage. 2025 01:50:07,058 --> 01:50:09,019 The garbage just happened to be the 2026 01:50:09,019 --> 01:50:13,106 at hand vessel, the container for something else. 2027 01:50:13,106 --> 01:50:16,026 And that's something else was I'm frustrated. 2028 01:50:16,026 --> 01:50:21,573 And beneath that frustration is probably like I don't feel appreciated enough. 2029 01:50:21,698 --> 01:50:24,159 I don't feel heard. 2030 01:50:24,159 --> 01:50:28,622 And because I don't feel heard, I feel disrespected. 2031 01:50:29,497 --> 01:50:31,750 That might be 2032 01:50:31,750 --> 01:50:34,127 what she's trying to say in 2033 01:50:34,127 --> 01:50:37,130 belittling the man about the the garbage. 2034 01:50:37,297 --> 01:50:40,967 And if the guy responds at the garbage, not at the level of the emotion, 2035 01:50:41,885 --> 01:50:44,471 then we have ships passing in the night. 2036 01:50:44,471 --> 01:50:47,098 So what you could do, and this is hard to do. 2037 01:50:47,098 --> 01:50:50,560 I mean, I'm a therapist and it's it's not always easy for me to do. 2038 01:50:50,602 --> 01:50:52,896 So it's it's tough for the average guy. 2039 01:50:52,896 --> 01:50:58,401 But to understand that it's the tone that really is the communication 2040 01:50:58,485 --> 01:51:03,490 with women more than the semantic, factual information. 2041 01:51:03,740 --> 01:51:09,120 And to if you're not sure where to go as a guy, 2042 01:51:09,162 --> 01:51:14,709 a great first move is just like reflection. 2043 01:51:15,001 --> 01:51:18,505 And it's better to reflect on the tone and be like, oh, 2044 01:51:19,047 --> 01:51:20,965 you sound, you sound frustrated. 2045 01:51:20,965 --> 01:51:22,759 She's going to go, I am frustrated. 2046 01:51:22,759 --> 01:51:23,218 It's like, yeah, 2047 01:51:23,218 --> 01:51:27,847 I can hear that, man, that sounds like what's going on inside of you. 2048 01:51:27,847 --> 01:51:31,643 It's like, I, I told you three times and it's oh, so you told me so. 2049 01:51:31,643 --> 01:51:34,646 You must feel like I don't listen to you right now. 2050 01:51:34,896 --> 01:51:36,481 Yes, you get it. 2051 01:51:36,481 --> 01:51:40,276 And so generally what happens is that as you start to decode 2052 01:51:40,276 --> 01:51:43,780 the emotional communication, people get quieter. 2053 01:51:44,447 --> 01:51:49,369 Unfortunately, when people don't feel heard, they get louder. 2054 01:51:49,536 --> 01:51:53,164 And it's not really a volume problem in the vast majority of cases. 2055 01:51:53,164 --> 01:51:55,291 So that just escalates the situation. 2056 01:51:55,291 --> 01:51:57,335 But it seems to be human nature to do it. 2057 01:51:57,335 --> 01:52:02,298 But as you correctly identify the emotional component, 2058 01:52:02,340 --> 01:52:05,510 then people generally settle down, both men and women. 2059 01:52:05,510 --> 01:52:08,054 It's a great way to de-escalate the situation. 2060 01:52:08,054 --> 01:52:10,890 How do you let go of someone after a relationship ends? 2061 01:52:10,890 --> 01:52:14,018 I think you may have said you had a mentor tell you something. 2062 01:52:14,018 --> 01:52:17,188 I think I just watched, actually, one of your videos on this around, 2063 01:52:17,188 --> 01:52:21,276 there's a breakup and completely not looking at their social media. 2064 01:52:21,276 --> 01:52:22,944 And what's the best method, right? 2065 01:52:22,944 --> 01:52:25,822 You've broken up with someone and you kind of want to you want to let someone go. 2066 01:52:25,822 --> 01:52:28,658 But it's hard because maybe that person broke your heart. 2067 01:52:28,658 --> 01:52:30,452 Maybe they were your first true love. Maybe. 2068 01:52:30,452 --> 01:52:32,537 Maybe it's really hard. What's the best way? 2069 01:52:32,537 --> 01:52:35,915 Oh, it's it's very difficult to get over somebody, especially 2070 01:52:35,915 --> 01:52:40,920 if they ended the relationship against your wishes. 2071 01:52:41,129 --> 01:52:42,797 That can be very difficult. 2072 01:52:42,797 --> 01:52:47,343 In general, there are two ways to change emotions. 2073 01:52:48,136 --> 01:52:49,846 According to behavioral psychology. 2074 01:52:49,846 --> 01:52:54,184 There is exposed to and there is extinction. 2075 01:52:54,559 --> 01:52:56,853 Exposure is a great way of getting over phobia. 2076 01:52:56,853 --> 01:52:58,855 It's like you have a fear of pickles. Great. 2077 01:52:58,855 --> 01:53:03,485 We're actually going to put you in a barrel of pickles until you melt 2078 01:53:03,485 --> 01:53:07,572 and scream and cry and dissolve your ego, 2079 01:53:08,323 --> 01:53:12,827 and then realize that you're going to live, and that while pickles 2080 01:53:12,827 --> 01:53:15,914 might not ever be your favorite thing, they're probably not that bad. 2081 01:53:16,164 --> 01:53:19,375 It's an extremely intense, 2082 01:53:19,375 --> 01:53:23,129 uncomfortable situation that's called flooding, that type of exposure. 2083 01:53:23,129 --> 01:53:26,216 But it's also over in like 20 minutes, and 2084 01:53:27,300 --> 01:53:31,054 that can actually cure phobias permanently. 2085 01:53:31,137 --> 01:53:35,433 No one wants to do it, of course, because it's really, really emotionally painful. 2086 01:53:35,850 --> 01:53:37,393 But it does work. 2087 01:53:37,393 --> 01:53:41,940 With respect to getting over a partner, my preferred method is extinction. 2088 01:53:42,774 --> 01:53:46,569 Generally it's no contact, which is you don't call, 2089 01:53:46,569 --> 01:53:49,989 you don't text, you don't write them letters and send them. 2090 01:53:50,657 --> 01:53:53,034 You can write letters, but don't send them. 2091 01:53:53,034 --> 01:53:56,871 Sometimes writing a letter helps to clarify your own emotional process. 2092 01:53:56,871 --> 01:53:59,207 that extinction? Is that you're still thinking about the partner 2093 01:53:59,207 --> 01:54:00,458 if you're writing them a letter? 2094 01:54:00,458 --> 01:54:03,878 Yeah, sometimes things have to get big before they get small. 2095 01:54:03,878 --> 01:54:07,382 Like there's always little asterisk ness to everything that I say. 2096 01:54:07,799 --> 01:54:12,220 In general, people hold on to things because they have unfinished business 2097 01:54:12,303 --> 01:54:18,142 most generally, and journaling or writing a letter, but not sending it 2098 01:54:18,184 --> 01:54:24,524 can be a way of disentangling one's own unfinished business, 2099 01:54:24,524 --> 01:54:27,902 especially if that person isn't around to resolve it with you. 2100 01:54:27,986 --> 01:54:31,072 Ultimately, closure is never something that someone gives you. 2101 01:54:31,072 --> 01:54:33,741 It's something that you give yourself. 2102 01:54:33,741 --> 01:54:38,538 Closure is when you decide to let it go and and letting it go is. 2103 01:54:38,538 --> 01:54:40,456 It's like a physical letting go. 2104 01:54:40,456 --> 01:54:43,459 It's like it's actually a relaxing this is a clenching. 2105 01:54:43,501 --> 01:54:46,045 Letting go is a relaxing. You do less. 2106 01:54:46,045 --> 01:54:51,009 And in some level, the best way to let go of somebody is with love, 2107 01:54:51,050 --> 01:54:55,847 because all negative emotion tends to bind you more closely 2108 01:54:55,847 --> 01:54:58,850 to the lost object love. 2109 01:54:59,517 --> 01:55:01,853 Real love, which I define 2110 01:55:01,853 --> 01:55:06,399 as sacrifice for the benefit of the other. 2111 01:55:07,650 --> 01:55:08,902 It's like 2112 01:55:08,902 --> 01:55:11,988 it thinks nothing of itself and only wants what's best for the other. 2113 01:55:12,030 --> 01:55:14,240 That's why it's like if you love something, set it free. 2114 01:55:14,240 --> 01:55:15,617 On some level. 2115 01:55:15,617 --> 01:55:16,367 That's love. 2116 01:55:16,367 --> 01:55:18,786 Love has no cage, love is a garden. 2117 01:55:18,786 --> 01:55:20,246 It's not a flower in a vase. 2118 01:55:20,246 --> 01:55:23,249 It's like let, let things grow. 2119 01:55:23,416 --> 01:55:27,837 Let them be so you don't contact them. 2120 01:55:27,837 --> 01:55:31,883 You don't hang around their usual cafes hoping to bump into them. 2121 01:55:32,675 --> 01:55:36,846 We have no contact, but that's just kind of the first step. 2122 01:55:36,846 --> 01:55:38,806 The second step is more important. 2123 01:55:38,806 --> 01:55:42,185 It's you don't have contact with the cognitive object of that person, 2124 01:55:42,185 --> 01:55:45,939 which means that you're not rehearsing the memories of the best times 2125 01:55:45,939 --> 01:55:47,106 that you had together. 2126 01:55:47,106 --> 01:55:50,735 You're not fantasizing about what they're doing now or who they're doing it with. 2127 01:55:50,777 --> 01:55:54,489 You're not going through the picture role of your relationship. 2128 01:55:55,406 --> 01:55:59,327 You just take a full break 2129 01:55:59,327 --> 01:56:03,498 from this person psychologically. And. 2130 01:56:05,625 --> 01:56:06,250 Over a 2131 01:56:06,250 --> 01:56:09,671 long enough timeline that tends to diminish 2132 01:56:09,921 --> 01:56:15,843 the emotional salience of that stimulus until you might be able to get to a point. 2133 01:56:15,885 --> 01:56:20,932 Ideally, we don't really feel anything at seeing your ex 2134 01:56:21,099 --> 01:56:24,060 holding hands with somebody new one way or the other. 2135 01:56:24,060 --> 01:56:27,605 Possibly you might even feel happy for them, and you'll also 2136 01:56:28,982 --> 01:56:33,611 be able to do that if you yourself, in the intervening time, have succeeded 2137 01:56:33,611 --> 01:56:38,199 in entering into another relationship with somebody who is a better fit for you. 2138 01:56:38,324 --> 01:56:42,453 And ultimately anybody who doesn't want you is not perfect for you. 2139 01:56:42,495 --> 01:56:46,249 Dude, like that should be one of your criteria for your perfect 2140 01:56:46,249 --> 01:56:49,877 soulmate partner is that he or she actually wants me. 2141 01:56:50,628 --> 01:56:55,133 I can't see how someone could be perfect and not want you for you, you know? 2142 01:56:55,216 --> 01:56:56,676 Do you believe in soulmates? No. 2143 01:56:56,676 --> 01:56:59,679 But you know, I'm using language that other people use 2144 01:57:00,096 --> 01:57:03,349 because it seems like, you know, we talked about settling a little bit, 2145 01:57:03,349 --> 01:57:07,478 which is, you know, there's a woman out there and she's 30 years old. 2146 01:57:07,478 --> 01:57:09,522 And yes, in the perfect world, she wants a man 2147 01:57:09,522 --> 01:57:12,483 that's tall and he's handsome and he has a six pack, 2148 01:57:12,483 --> 01:57:15,278 and he's financially successful and he's great in bed, 2149 01:57:15,278 --> 01:57:19,615 but she goes out on the dating marketplace and she, you know, there's a guy 2150 01:57:19,615 --> 01:57:21,367 that has a couple of these things, and there's another guy. 2151 01:57:21,367 --> 01:57:24,495 He has these other two things none of them have at all. 2152 01:57:24,495 --> 01:57:29,459 And so is she just settling, really I mean, we all settle eventually. 2153 01:57:30,293 --> 01:57:34,589 The idea that Aphrodite is going to sit next to you on a bar stool 2154 01:57:34,589 --> 01:57:40,053 on a Tuesday night and just hand you a relationship is 2155 01:57:41,054 --> 01:57:42,263 a fantasy. 2156 01:57:42,263 --> 01:57:46,684 So everybody settles, but it's for everyone to decide 2157 01:57:46,684 --> 01:57:49,353 where to draw that line. 2158 01:57:49,353 --> 01:57:52,356 The hard part is when you get around 2159 01:57:53,441 --> 01:57:56,152 70 to 80% of what you want. 2160 01:57:56,152 --> 01:57:56,986 Why is that the hard part? 2161 01:57:56,986 --> 01:57:59,864 You would think that that's from people dating there in the 30s. 2162 01:57:59,864 --> 01:58:02,658 40s that's that's what it's good enough. 2163 01:58:02,658 --> 01:58:02,825 Right? 2164 01:58:02,825 --> 01:58:03,743 Well, that can be difficult 2165 01:58:03,743 --> 01:58:07,622 for those women in particular in the 30s and 40s that you described. Why? 2166 01:58:07,663 --> 01:58:10,792 Because they were likely more attractive when they were younger, 2167 01:58:10,792 --> 01:58:14,587 which meant that they were able to engage sexual relationships 2168 01:58:14,587 --> 01:58:16,756 with potentially more attractive men. 2169 01:58:16,756 --> 01:58:20,468 And so now they have a memory of what they could get, 2170 01:58:20,885 --> 01:58:25,640 and they're anchored at that point, which might make settling for somebody 2171 01:58:25,640 --> 01:58:31,062 in their 30s or 40 who has less than that even more frustrating, right? 2172 01:58:31,104 --> 01:58:34,899 If you've never had that, it might not be as hard, but if you did, 2173 01:58:34,982 --> 01:58:38,402 then it's going to potentially really hurt, right? 2174 01:58:38,903 --> 01:58:40,863 Because it's a you actually touched it. 2175 01:58:40,863 --> 01:58:42,115 It was a real reality. 2176 01:58:42,115 --> 01:58:47,495 It wasn't just an ideal that gets compromised away given the realities of 2177 01:58:48,579 --> 01:58:49,789 the sexual marketplace. 2178 01:58:49,789 --> 01:58:50,373 Right? 2179 01:58:50,373 --> 01:58:54,794 I say 78% is tough because if it's less than that, it's pretty clear. 2180 01:58:54,794 --> 01:58:57,797 No, I'm just not getting enough of what I want here. 2181 01:58:57,797 --> 01:59:00,800 If it's more than that, it's a very clear. Yes. 2182 01:59:00,800 --> 01:59:02,468 This is amazing. 2183 01:59:02,468 --> 01:59:06,722 Wow. You're almost entirely what I want in a man. 2184 01:59:06,722 --> 01:59:08,391 In a woman. 2185 01:59:08,391 --> 01:59:12,103 It's it's in the middle where you're getting some of what you want. 2186 01:59:12,228 --> 01:59:12,895 That's tough. 2187 01:59:12,895 --> 01:59:15,439 That's like standing on 16. 2188 01:59:15,439 --> 01:59:16,816 In blackjack. 2189 01:59:16,816 --> 01:59:19,443 It's really hard to stand on 16. 2190 01:59:19,443 --> 01:59:22,029 this is the tricky part is getting some of what you want. 2191 01:59:22,029 --> 01:59:24,490 And nobody gets everything. 2192 01:59:24,490 --> 01:59:26,075 Everything is a trade off. 2193 01:59:26,075 --> 01:59:29,412 And that might be part of growing up. 2194 01:59:29,453 --> 01:59:32,248 That might be part of maturing. 2195 01:59:32,248 --> 01:59:35,543 But ultimately people on some level 2196 01:59:35,585 --> 01:59:39,380 are about as mature as their circumstances allow them to be. 2197 01:59:39,964 --> 01:59:44,385 And if one of those partners, even after years of marriage, 2198 01:59:44,385 --> 01:59:49,765 suddenly had a significant life change, maybe they become very wealthy 2199 01:59:49,765 --> 01:59:54,228 or very famous or very successful, that will open up 2200 01:59:54,228 --> 01:59:58,107 an entirely different tier of the sexual marketplace. 2201 01:59:58,441 --> 01:59:59,317 And then. 2202 02:00:01,569 --> 02:00:03,362 You know, that 2203 02:00:03,362 --> 02:00:08,659 spouse, that partner will now have some, some work to do to keep that person. 2204 02:00:08,659 --> 02:00:11,662 I've made a couple episodes about 2205 02:00:11,662 --> 02:00:15,374 what men and women should do, especially in their 20s. 2206 02:00:16,083 --> 02:00:19,462 I suggested that men try to find their ugly duckling, 2207 02:00:20,171 --> 02:00:23,257 and I suggested that women try to find their dark horse. 2208 02:00:23,424 --> 02:00:29,889 A dark horse is a horse with bad odds that actually goes on to win the race. 2209 02:00:30,389 --> 02:00:34,018 The issue with respect to the sexual marketplace is that women tend to wait 2210 02:00:34,018 --> 02:00:39,065 till the race is over, and then try with all the other women to secure the winner. 2211 02:00:39,565 --> 02:00:42,985 But it's unlikely that she, as any one woman, is going to beat out 2212 02:00:42,985 --> 02:00:45,279 all of her intersectional competition for that winner. 2213 02:00:45,279 --> 02:00:48,282 But before the race, 2214 02:00:48,616 --> 02:00:52,119 especially if the odds are bad now 2215 02:00:52,119 --> 02:00:56,666 you have potentially unobstructed access to a future winner. 2216 02:00:57,083 --> 02:01:00,920 The issue is, of course, who knows what happens when the race is run, 2217 02:01:01,879 --> 02:01:03,923 and to 2218 02:01:03,923 --> 02:01:07,843 be able to pick a good dark horse, you actually have to know about horses. 2219 02:01:08,219 --> 02:01:10,805 You know, you have to know about their pedigree. 2220 02:01:10,805 --> 02:01:15,393 You have to know about their four locks and their teeth or whatever. 2221 02:01:15,434 --> 02:01:16,018 You know what I'm saying? 2222 02:01:16,018 --> 02:01:19,605 So like women in my metaphor need to get better at 2223 02:01:20,731 --> 02:01:21,857 knowing about men. 2224 02:01:21,857 --> 02:01:27,196 They have to know, like what makes for a good man who can actually go the distance. 2225 02:01:27,530 --> 02:01:29,573 It's like picking an undervalued stock. 2226 02:01:29,573 --> 02:01:31,033 It's like it's hard to do. 2227 02:01:31,033 --> 02:01:34,036 But the analysts who do it are wildly successful. 2228 02:01:34,328 --> 02:01:39,458 Now, the major pushback I've gotten from that piece of advice from women has been, 2229 02:01:39,542 --> 02:01:45,214 that's all well and good old Ryan, but one a lot of most horses don't win. 2230 02:01:45,298 --> 02:01:47,967 It's like, yeah. Fair enough. That's that's in the episode. 2231 02:01:47,967 --> 02:01:52,013 But two, even after you win, once 2232 02:01:52,305 --> 02:01:57,184 that man wins, you might support him throughout all the years of the race. 2233 02:01:57,184 --> 02:02:00,938 And and then as soon as he arrives and successful, he'll leave you for the 20 2234 02:02:00,938 --> 02:02:01,814 year old. 2235 02:02:01,814 --> 02:02:05,151 And I'm like, that is fair. 2236 02:02:05,192 --> 02:02:06,652 That does happen. 2237 02:02:06,652 --> 02:02:13,034 But my rebuttal to that is it's always, always, always easier to keep a castle 2238 02:02:13,075 --> 02:02:16,537 than to conquer a castle defense. 2239 02:02:17,163 --> 02:02:20,916 If defense and offense is equally matched, defense wins. 2240 02:02:21,042 --> 02:02:23,377 Like the default is the default wins. 2241 02:02:23,377 --> 02:02:28,341 Offense has to be more offensive than the defense is defensive for offense to win. 2242 02:02:28,382 --> 02:02:28,716 Right? 2243 02:02:28,716 --> 02:02:31,927 So yes, a wildly successful man 2244 02:02:31,969 --> 02:02:35,014 will be exposed to a different tier of the sexual marketplace. 2245 02:02:35,014 --> 02:02:39,727 But you, as the woman who stayed with him and knows him and has intimate contact, 2246 02:02:39,894 --> 02:02:42,688 you can gatekeeper. You know this guy. 2247 02:02:42,688 --> 02:02:44,440 There are things that you can do 2248 02:02:44,440 --> 02:02:48,652 running defense that the woman who might be trying to poach him can't. 2249 02:02:48,694 --> 02:02:51,697 So it's still a privileged position to be in. 2250 02:02:51,739 --> 02:02:54,742 what are those things she should be looking for in that dark horse? 2251 02:02:54,742 --> 02:02:55,409 Right. 2252 02:02:55,409 --> 02:02:58,788 You know, maybe. Is it he's ambitious. 2253 02:02:58,788 --> 02:03:02,708 He's ambitions a big one six pack, but he's working on his health and fitness 2254 02:03:02,708 --> 02:03:06,045 or what are those things that she should be looking for that, that, 2255 02:03:06,087 --> 02:03:07,880 that will give her what she wants long term. 2256 02:03:07,880 --> 02:03:09,215 But he's not there yet. 2257 02:03:09,215 --> 02:03:11,884 Well, you said the key word there at the end long term. 2258 02:03:11,884 --> 02:03:14,095 So there's really only 2259 02:03:15,179 --> 02:03:17,348 a need to 2260 02:03:17,348 --> 02:03:21,352 think about the dark horse if you have some distance to travel, 2261 02:03:21,394 --> 02:03:24,063 which means we are talking about long term relationships. 2262 02:03:24,063 --> 02:03:28,192 And so a woman has to be in that mindset to begin with, which might 2263 02:03:28,234 --> 02:03:31,487 actually be the biggest obstacle in the sexual marketplace 2264 02:03:31,487 --> 02:03:35,241 is that there's very few 21 year old, 23 year old women. 2265 02:03:36,617 --> 02:03:39,912 They're out there, but they're they're becoming fewer and farther 2266 02:03:39,912 --> 02:03:46,001 between who are like, I need to find a man to settle down with and have a family. 2267 02:03:46,168 --> 02:03:49,672 Most of the time in the 20s, they're thinking about their education. 2268 02:03:49,672 --> 02:03:51,715 They're thinking about their careers, 2269 02:03:51,715 --> 02:03:54,009 where they're thinking about collecting experiences, 2270 02:03:54,009 --> 02:03:56,095 either going to parties or traveling around the world, 2271 02:03:56,095 --> 02:04:00,182 or going to Michelin star restaurants, or just like riding all the rides as I 2272 02:04:00,224 --> 02:04:01,434 as I put it. 2273 02:04:01,434 --> 02:04:07,273 And there's nothing wrong with that except that it might in some way impact 2274 02:04:08,315 --> 02:04:09,525 her eventual long 2275 02:04:09,525 --> 02:04:13,988 term goals once she hits her 30s, because now her SMV isn't quite as high 2276 02:04:13,988 --> 02:04:17,241 as it used to be, in most cases not in The Ugly Duckling, 2277 02:04:17,241 --> 02:04:20,202 which was the male equivalent of the dark horse. Right? 2278 02:04:20,202 --> 02:04:24,248 So she has to be in a place that she's looking for 2279 02:04:24,290 --> 02:04:28,752 that if she's not, she could be faced with the most loyal, kind, 2280 02:04:28,794 --> 02:04:33,549 devoted, hardworking, future successful husband. 2281 02:04:33,549 --> 02:04:36,844 And she's just it's pearls before swine, right? 2282 02:04:37,261 --> 02:04:40,723 So industriousness is a big one. 2283 02:04:40,723 --> 02:04:43,684 So unless he's a trust fund 2284 02:04:43,726 --> 02:04:47,021 at 2021, he probably has nothing. 2285 02:04:47,730 --> 02:04:50,357 Okay, well, dude, if you have nothing, then 2286 02:04:50,357 --> 02:04:52,902 at the very least, you have to have a vision. 2287 02:04:52,902 --> 02:04:54,570 and women have to get better elsewhere. 2288 02:04:54,570 --> 02:04:55,654 Evaluating the vision. 2289 02:04:55,654 --> 02:05:00,201 Because I swear, I think most women go through a musician phase. 2290 02:05:01,410 --> 02:05:02,745 Musician music is great 2291 02:05:02,745 --> 02:05:05,873 because it just cuts to the emotional reality, 2292 02:05:07,208 --> 02:05:08,918 to the quick. And that's 2293 02:05:08,918 --> 02:05:11,921 what works with women is stimulating their emotions like we discussed. 2294 02:05:11,962 --> 02:05:16,800 But the guy could be broke and living in his parents basement. 2295 02:05:16,967 --> 02:05:21,347 He might know three chords on a bass, but he has this dream of like selling out 2296 02:05:22,056 --> 02:05:24,558 Sophie or whatever and his name in lights. 2297 02:05:24,558 --> 02:05:28,521 And you know, if she is attracted enough to him, she's going to buy into 2298 02:05:28,562 --> 02:05:30,356 that dream as well as a stakeholder. 2299 02:05:30,356 --> 02:05:33,359 He painted a vision of the future 2300 02:05:33,943 --> 02:05:37,196 and connected the dots from where he wants to be to where he currently is. 2301 02:05:37,238 --> 02:05:42,409 Right now, a woman could do some due diligence over the likelihood 2302 02:05:42,409 --> 02:05:43,494 that any one musician 2303 02:05:43,494 --> 02:05:47,206 is going to end up in that situation, and they eventually kind of, 2304 02:05:47,248 --> 02:05:49,667 you know, the months go by, maybe the years go by 2305 02:05:49,667 --> 02:05:52,711 and the guys still on the couch and who knows, right? 2306 02:05:52,753 --> 02:05:56,507 But if you don't have anything, you need to have a destination 2307 02:05:56,507 --> 02:05:59,635 and you need to have a plan for arriving at that destination. 2308 02:06:00,010 --> 02:06:03,806 If you're a young man, you don't know what to do, where to go. 2309 02:06:04,306 --> 02:06:06,517 That means that you haven't chosen a destination 2310 02:06:06,517 --> 02:06:08,227 if you know where you're going. 2311 02:06:08,227 --> 02:06:10,145 The route is obvious. 2312 02:06:10,145 --> 02:06:12,398 I knew I was driving down to LA. 2313 02:06:12,398 --> 02:06:14,567 There was like two different routes I could go. 2314 02:06:14,567 --> 02:06:18,070 I chose the more scenic route because I enjoy it, but that's it. 2315 02:06:18,112 --> 02:06:20,155 You know, I'm not going to go north. 2316 02:06:20,155 --> 02:06:23,617 So once you have the destination in mind, then it's actually 2317 02:06:23,617 --> 02:06:26,620 fairly straightforward to work backwards from there to where you currently are. 2318 02:06:26,620 --> 02:06:29,290 And that should be your plan. 2319 02:06:29,290 --> 02:06:32,585 It probably will be best 2320 02:06:32,585 --> 02:06:36,839 if the man doesn't yet have a great deal of optionality 2321 02:06:37,798 --> 02:06:38,966 on some level. 2322 02:06:38,966 --> 02:06:42,303 Like once a guy gets a taste of that same thing with women. 2323 02:06:42,595 --> 02:06:45,889 You know, I did a consultation with a guy recently 2324 02:06:46,056 --> 02:06:50,394 who entered into a relationship with a woman who had over 2325 02:06:50,394 --> 02:06:54,064 a million subscribers on TikTok and a million subscribers on Facebook. 2326 02:06:54,481 --> 02:06:55,524 I'm sorry. Instagram. 2327 02:06:55,524 --> 02:06:58,444 So she was she was very physically attractive. 2328 02:06:58,444 --> 02:07:01,947 But this woman, I mean, she was cooked 2329 02:07:01,989 --> 02:07:06,577 like there's probably no way that any one man, 2330 02:07:07,077 --> 02:07:10,623 no matter who that man is, is going to be able to provide enough attention 2331 02:07:10,623 --> 02:07:15,878 and validation, as millions of men possibly could. 2332 02:07:15,919 --> 02:07:17,463 Like the 2333 02:07:17,463 --> 02:07:20,424 I wouldn't say an average woman, but like an above average woman 2334 02:07:20,424 --> 02:07:21,467 in terms of attractiveness 2335 02:07:21,467 --> 02:07:25,262 can now get more attention and validation every day than like literal 2336 02:07:25,804 --> 02:07:29,933 empresses got in their lifetimes through social media. 2337 02:07:29,933 --> 02:07:34,647 It's it's cooked in the same way that players are cooked 2338 02:07:34,647 --> 02:07:38,275 when they have body counts of hundreds of women. 2339 02:07:38,275 --> 02:07:42,196 It's like it's going to be very difficult for them to to say, 2340 02:07:42,237 --> 02:07:45,324 you know, I'm just going to settle down with one woman, and they only do so 2341 02:07:45,366 --> 02:07:49,828 when they become so sick of that that they just can't take it anymore. 2342 02:07:49,828 --> 02:07:53,582 And so they had to like, make it big before it contracted small. 2343 02:07:53,791 --> 02:07:57,127 You're saying she's cooked because she's getting so much attention 2344 02:07:57,127 --> 02:07:57,961 from these millions 2345 02:07:57,961 --> 02:08:01,298 or hundreds of thousands of guys on every single post, that this one guy 2346 02:08:01,298 --> 02:08:04,385 is not going to be able to fulfill what she's she's getting there. 2347 02:08:04,385 --> 02:08:05,636 And then what did you tell your client? 2348 02:08:05,636 --> 02:08:07,012 You tell your client like, this is 2349 02:08:07,012 --> 02:08:09,348 she might not be the best option for you because well, they broke up, 2350 02:08:09,348 --> 02:08:13,894 but he was still pining for her because she was very attractive. 2351 02:08:13,936 --> 02:08:17,147 And I asked him, I was like, was that the hottest woman you've ever been with? 2352 02:08:17,189 --> 02:08:20,234 And he said, yes, and that's hard. 2353 02:08:20,275 --> 02:08:23,278 But, you know, I said, if you can get one, 2354 02:08:23,612 --> 02:08:26,198 you can get another like you already have. 2355 02:08:26,198 --> 02:08:29,660 If this isn't hypothetical, you already have the demonstrated ability 2356 02:08:30,119 --> 02:08:35,207 to enter into a relationship with a woman that you perceive as that attractive. 2357 02:08:35,249 --> 02:08:37,334 So if you can do it once, you can do it twice. 2358 02:08:37,334 --> 02:08:38,043 Is there a belief 2359 02:08:38,043 --> 02:08:39,044 you held, let's say, 2360 02:08:39,044 --> 02:08:42,047 ten years ago, about relationships that you've completely reversed on 2361 02:08:42,047 --> 02:08:42,965 almost everything? 2362 02:08:42,965 --> 02:08:45,509 I mean, I am a recovering romantic. 2363 02:08:45,509 --> 02:08:49,722 I, as a young man had a lot of love, 2364 02:08:49,722 --> 02:08:55,644 but not a lot of skill with respect to communicating that. 2365 02:08:55,686 --> 02:09:00,190 And because I was also kind of a little strange, 2366 02:09:00,232 --> 02:09:02,651 you know, I kind of marched to my own beat. 2367 02:09:02,651 --> 02:09:04,153 I still, due to some extent, 2368 02:09:04,153 --> 02:09:07,448 I didn't have a lot of experience with women as a teenager 2369 02:09:07,489 --> 02:09:11,160 and a and I so where did I go for information? 2370 02:09:11,201 --> 02:09:16,999 The movies, popular music, books and what always works in those movies? 2371 02:09:16,999 --> 02:09:19,960 The guy makes a grand gesture. 2372 02:09:19,960 --> 02:09:24,923 The guy demonstrates that he loves that woman more than that rich asshole 2373 02:09:24,923 --> 02:09:27,926 corporate executive who never wants to spend time with her on the weekends. 2374 02:09:27,926 --> 02:09:29,136 It's like I thought that 2375 02:09:29,136 --> 02:09:33,265 that's what you needed to do because that's what women wanted. 2376 02:09:33,557 --> 02:09:36,810 And when it didn't work, my undeveloped 2377 02:09:36,810 --> 02:09:40,856 brain thought, well, that it didn't work because you didn't do it enough. 2378 02:09:40,856 --> 02:09:43,984 And so, like, my strategy was just to to do 2379 02:09:43,984 --> 02:09:47,613 a grander gesture for the next time, you know, I doubled down on my strategy. 2380 02:09:47,654 --> 02:09:48,405 Right? 2381 02:09:48,405 --> 02:09:52,785 And it was only in my early 30s that I got to the point where I realized 2382 02:09:52,785 --> 02:09:56,038 maybe my fundamental assumptions here are not correct. 2383 02:09:56,038 --> 02:09:58,624 Maybe I don't know what women want. 2384 02:09:58,624 --> 02:10:01,794 Maybe I don't know what makes relationships work, 2385 02:10:01,794 --> 02:10:04,797 because if I did, I probably would have more success by now. 2386 02:10:04,797 --> 02:10:09,635 And so that was the turning point in me 2387 02:10:10,010 --> 02:10:14,431 reevaluating pretty much everything about women and dating and relationships. 2388 02:10:15,307 --> 02:10:17,643 But yeah, I've been wrong about pretty much everything. 2389 02:10:17,643 --> 02:10:21,605 That's how I might be right about it now is like I've had to learn everything 2390 02:10:21,605 --> 02:10:26,026 the hard way of my Okay, last one, there's a man out there right now. 2391 02:10:26,026 --> 02:10:27,820 He's 30 to 45 years old. 2392 02:10:27,820 --> 02:10:29,571 He's struggling with dating. 2393 02:10:29,571 --> 02:10:33,492 I want you to give your you know, you're an expert at what you do, right? 2394 02:10:33,534 --> 02:10:36,620 I want you to give your single best piece of advice. 2395 02:10:36,620 --> 02:10:38,789 And separately, a woman in the same position. 2396 02:10:38,789 --> 02:10:41,375 She's 30 to 45. She's dating. 2397 02:10:41,375 --> 02:10:43,001 One piece of advice for each. 2398 02:10:43,001 --> 02:10:46,004 The man in the woman For men. 2399 02:10:46,255 --> 02:10:49,174 On some level, it's forget the woman. 2400 02:10:49,174 --> 02:10:50,592 The best 2401 02:10:51,844 --> 02:10:53,846 dating advice for men 2402 02:10:53,846 --> 02:10:56,849 tends at the highest level 2403 02:10:58,100 --> 02:11:00,811 to synthesize with self-improvement. 2404 02:11:00,811 --> 02:11:04,147 The best dating advice for men is self-improvement. 2405 02:11:04,189 --> 02:11:08,652 Most generally, can you make your finances better? 2406 02:11:08,652 --> 02:11:10,571 Can you make your health and fitness better? 2407 02:11:10,571 --> 02:11:12,281 Can you make your fashion better? 2408 02:11:12,281 --> 02:11:13,490 Maybe you need a better haircut, 2409 02:11:13,490 --> 02:11:16,326 like ask your gay friend or your sister or something like that. 2410 02:11:16,326 --> 02:11:20,163 Can you get better at having a conversation? 2411 02:11:20,163 --> 02:11:22,499 What are your social skills like? 2412 02:11:22,499 --> 02:11:25,419 Don't think of these as traits 2413 02:11:25,419 --> 02:11:28,422 that some people are born with and other people's aren't. 2414 02:11:29,006 --> 02:11:31,884 Think of them as skills that you can learn. 2415 02:11:31,884 --> 02:11:35,262 might take some time, but at some point, just like a foreign language, 2416 02:11:35,262 --> 02:11:38,724 you cross over from being a student to someone who's fluent, 2417 02:11:39,224 --> 02:11:42,227 and that becomes part of who you are, right? 2418 02:11:42,227 --> 02:11:46,356 In this sense, at the highest levels, just be yourself, 2419 02:11:46,481 --> 02:11:50,444 which is that perennial dating advice for men actually makes sense. 2420 02:11:50,444 --> 02:11:54,323 But you have to be the self that has done all the work 2421 02:11:54,406 --> 02:11:58,243 to effortlessly integrate all of these relationship and attraction 2422 02:11:58,243 --> 02:12:02,331 skills so fluently and effortlessly that they become who you are. 2423 02:12:02,831 --> 02:12:07,127 women, they're 30 to 45 and they're having trouble. 2424 02:12:07,377 --> 02:12:09,463 not in a relationship. They're dating. 2425 02:12:09,463 --> 02:12:10,339 One piece of advice. 2426 02:12:10,339 --> 02:12:12,549 The best piece of advice for a woman listening. 2427 02:12:12,549 --> 02:12:16,345 You're not positioned correctly. 2428 02:12:16,345 --> 02:12:18,180 So that could be. 2429 02:12:18,180 --> 02:12:20,432 They also need to work on their attractiveness. 2430 02:12:20,432 --> 02:12:23,477 Like maybe they need to lose weight just putting it out there. 2431 02:12:23,644 --> 02:12:27,397 Maybe they need to start dressing for the male gaze. 2432 02:12:27,648 --> 02:12:28,732 Just putting that out there. 2433 02:12:28,732 --> 02:12:32,444 It's like you have to give the customers what they want on some level, 2434 02:12:32,861 --> 02:12:37,115 and there are things that women can manipulate within their comfort 2435 02:12:37,115 --> 02:12:42,663 and their preferences that will make it more likely that men will attend to them. 2436 02:12:42,663 --> 02:12:45,791 But still, even in today's day and age, men are expected to approach. 2437 02:12:45,916 --> 02:12:49,670 So if you're not getting the attention that you want from the men you want, 2438 02:12:49,711 --> 02:12:50,921 then you're not in. 2439 02:12:50,921 --> 02:12:53,674 You're not around the men that you want to be approached by. 2440 02:12:53,674 --> 02:12:56,176 You don't have to be passive. 2441 02:12:56,176 --> 02:13:00,597 Women can hunt in the sense that they generally can pick 2442 02:13:00,806 --> 02:13:04,685 a specific man and say, that's the one that I want to talk to. 2443 02:13:04,726 --> 02:13:06,603 That's the man that I want to go home with, 2444 02:13:06,603 --> 02:13:08,814 or that's the man I want to have a relationship with. 2445 02:13:08,814 --> 02:13:10,148 If you're a man, maybe, 2446 02:13:10,148 --> 02:13:12,192 but you probably have to go to a whole bunch of women 2447 02:13:12,192 --> 02:13:15,070 before you find somebody who maybe will give you a chance. Right? 2448 02:13:15,070 --> 02:13:18,740 And the gates to that is sexual access. 2449 02:13:18,782 --> 02:13:19,741 So again, 2450 02:13:19,741 --> 02:13:22,911 that is something that women are going to have different levels of comfort with. 2451 02:13:23,036 --> 02:13:26,164 But as I've said on the channel, that's the Trojan horse 2452 02:13:26,164 --> 02:13:29,167 that causes men to open the gates. 2453 02:13:29,167 --> 02:13:32,963 If you can prevent present an attractive, 2454 02:13:34,214 --> 02:13:36,633 hassle free, fun, 2455 02:13:36,633 --> 02:13:41,680 satisfying sexual relationship to a man, he's probably going to say yes. 2456 02:13:42,180 --> 02:13:44,307 now you've solved the access problem. 2457 02:13:44,307 --> 02:13:47,436 That doesn't necessarily mean that he's not going to 2458 02:13:47,477 --> 02:13:51,231 throw you out in the morning, but you have to be in to be thrown out. 2459 02:13:51,273 --> 02:13:51,940 Do you know what I'm saying? 2460 02:13:51,940 --> 02:13:53,525 So that's a different problem. 2461 02:13:53,525 --> 02:13:55,402 The next problem is how do you stay there? 2462 02:13:55,402 --> 02:13:59,906 And you stay there by being useful to the man. 2463 02:14:00,741 --> 02:14:04,327 You look around and you see what this guy about, what's his mission? 2464 02:14:04,327 --> 02:14:05,704 What is he trying to accomplish? 2465 02:14:05,704 --> 02:14:07,622 How can I help? 2466 02:14:07,622 --> 02:14:11,501 Because if you could get there with that guy, chances are 2467 02:14:11,543 --> 02:14:15,422 there was a bunch of other women who can or would get there as well. 2468 02:14:15,797 --> 02:14:19,134 How are you going to differentiate yourself from that? 2469 02:14:19,301 --> 02:14:24,806 I ultimately, why does a man who's has a lot of optionality with women, 2470 02:14:24,806 --> 02:14:28,143 why does he ever settle down with one unpopular opinion? 2471 02:14:28,143 --> 02:14:29,102 But this is why. 2472 02:14:29,102 --> 02:14:33,190 Because it becomes too difficult, inconvenient, or expensive 2473 02:14:33,190 --> 02:14:35,609 to extricate that woman from his life. 2474 02:14:35,609 --> 02:14:39,696 For that to occur, that woman needs to have infiltrated his life. 2475 02:14:39,696 --> 02:14:44,159 And the only way she can do that is by assuming real responsibility 2476 02:14:44,201 --> 02:14:47,829 and by discharging actual use. 2477 02:14:48,121 --> 02:14:53,168 So rather than think of requests from a man as unpaid labor 2478 02:14:53,168 --> 02:14:57,130 or onerous, see it as an opportunity for a promotion. 2479 02:14:57,172 --> 02:14:59,841 I mean, think about that attitude at work. 2480 02:14:59,841 --> 02:15:02,677 You want to get promoted by your boss. He hands you a big new project. 2481 02:15:02,677 --> 02:15:03,804 Are you going to complain? 2482 02:15:03,804 --> 02:15:05,722 When are you going to say thank you? 2483 02:15:05,722 --> 02:15:08,058 Because you understand that this is your opportunity to demonstrate 2484 02:15:08,058 --> 02:15:09,684 that you have the competence and the capacity 2485 02:15:09,684 --> 02:15:11,812 and the skills to move to the next level. 2486 02:15:11,812 --> 02:15:13,688 It just depends on your intention. 2487 02:15:13,688 --> 02:15:15,107 then find your scene. 2488 02:15:15,107 --> 02:15:18,443 If you like a certain type of guy, find out where they hang out. 2489 02:15:18,485 --> 02:15:21,696 Maybe there are social clubs, pickleball courts, 2490 02:15:21,780 --> 02:15:25,742 run clubs where where are they circulating? 2491 02:15:25,742 --> 02:15:27,494 And then make yourself a regular there. 2492 02:15:27,494 --> 02:15:31,873 People want what they see every day so you can date around the scene. 2493 02:15:31,873 --> 02:15:34,543 And then once you find, okay, I like what's going on here 2494 02:15:34,543 --> 02:15:36,461 and I like the people I'm interacting with. 2495 02:15:36,461 --> 02:15:37,462 Make yourself regular. 2496 02:15:37,462 --> 02:15:39,464 It will only be a matter of time 2497 02:15:39,464 --> 02:15:43,301 if you've positioned yourself properly before things start to move. 2498 02:15:43,426 --> 02:15:45,345 What is the future of dating and relationships look like? 2499 02:15:45,345 --> 02:15:46,555 Are we going to see a. 2500 02:15:47,514 --> 02:15:48,640 robot relationship? 2501 02:15:48,640 --> 02:15:51,309 You know, we already are. 2502 02:15:51,309 --> 02:15:52,894 We already are. 2503 02:15:52,894 --> 02:15:55,522 People are marrying. AI is in Japan. 2504 02:15:55,522 --> 02:15:59,985 It might have started here already, you know, I guess it would be kind of a 2505 02:15:59,985 --> 02:16:03,738 performative marriage here, not a legal one. 2506 02:16:03,738 --> 02:16:04,990 I think the same thing in Japan. 2507 02:16:04,990 --> 02:16:07,784 But yes, it's wild right now. 2508 02:16:07,784 --> 02:16:09,244 It's hard to predict what's going to happen 2509 02:16:09,244 --> 02:16:13,123 in in our next year, let alone what's going to happen in ten. 2510 02:16:13,123 --> 02:16:16,501 But yes, AI and robotics are going to 2511 02:16:16,543 --> 02:16:19,754 change the sexual marketplace entirely. 2512 02:16:19,963 --> 02:16:22,591 I made an episode about this. 2513 02:16:22,591 --> 02:16:26,511 Everyone, whether they're single or married, 2514 02:16:26,553 --> 02:16:32,058 their strongest intra sexual competition within five years will be an AI. 2515 02:16:32,309 --> 02:16:36,062 really, It will not be a human being relationships with People already are. 2516 02:16:36,479 --> 02:16:38,773 I mean, there's been more than one. 2517 02:16:38,773 --> 02:16:39,566 I don't know, man. 2518 02:16:39,566 --> 02:16:43,612 Maybe there's been more than one documented case of people falling in love 2519 02:16:43,612 --> 02:16:49,242 with ChatGPT, and that doesn't even have an image associated with it. 2520 02:16:49,242 --> 02:16:52,871 But how does that happen when, let's say as a, as a male, 2521 02:16:53,246 --> 02:16:56,750 you're you're, you know, the oxytocin where this is, we're looking for sex. 2522 02:16:56,750 --> 02:17:00,128 If you're looking for sex, how are you getting sex out of an AI? 2523 02:17:00,587 --> 02:17:06,301 Oh, I, I don't know for sure, but how do you get sex out of an AI? 2524 02:17:06,718 --> 02:17:10,972 There are virtual reality pornography 2525 02:17:10,972 --> 02:17:15,727 that are filmed in such a way that you put on a immersive head visor, 2526 02:17:15,727 --> 02:17:20,315 and you have a first person view of whatever is happening to you. 2527 02:17:20,440 --> 02:17:22,609 With the advent of AI, 2528 02:17:22,609 --> 02:17:25,195 you could film that once and then swap that 2529 02:17:25,195 --> 02:17:28,406 with an infinite number of skins to make that woman exactly 2530 02:17:28,406 --> 02:17:31,493 how you want her to look, to change the tone of her voice. 2531 02:17:31,493 --> 02:17:34,329 It will have a memory just like Claude or chat. 2532 02:17:34,329 --> 02:17:37,082 It'll know your name. It'll know what you like and what you don't like. 2533 02:17:37,082 --> 02:17:40,085 It will give you everything that you want and nothing that you don't. 2534 02:17:40,377 --> 02:17:44,506 And especially if this is hooked up with some kind of tactile device 2535 02:17:45,674 --> 02:17:48,635 which those already exist as well. 2536 02:17:48,635 --> 02:17:50,345 I mean, that's going Fleshlight? 2537 02:17:50,345 --> 02:17:51,096 What are we talking? 2538 02:17:51,096 --> 02:17:53,390 probably a more advanced Fleshlight. 2539 02:17:53,390 --> 02:17:56,643 So a Fleshlight I think is just a soft canister on some level. 2540 02:17:56,643 --> 02:17:59,813 But yeah, you could have things 2541 02:17:59,813 --> 02:18:03,191 that pulse in time with the video. 2542 02:18:03,233 --> 02:18:07,654 I mean it's and people will say, well that's pathetic. The. 2543 02:18:07,737 --> 02:18:10,949 Yeah, but it's going to become more and more convincing. 2544 02:18:10,949 --> 02:18:14,369 And so it's going to trap more and more men, 2545 02:18:14,786 --> 02:18:20,417 especially as the price of dating women gets higher and higher because women have 2546 02:18:20,417 --> 02:18:24,629 just functionally disqualified the vast majority of men from consideration. 2547 02:18:25,505 --> 02:18:29,217 And so men can say, well, I could do the hard work 2548 02:18:29,217 --> 02:18:32,887 of becoming a high value man over the course of 10 to 15 years. 2549 02:18:32,887 --> 02:18:35,765 And maybe it works and maybe it doesn't work. 2550 02:18:37,434 --> 02:18:37,767 All right, 2551 02:18:37,767 --> 02:18:40,770 here's another two bucks and I'm going to get a new fantasy. 2552 02:18:40,812 --> 02:18:43,481 I mean, it's like a brave new world where everyone went to Feelies 2553 02:18:43,481 --> 02:18:46,276 and it was a full immersive pornographic experience. 2554 02:18:46,276 --> 02:18:50,155 But to be honest, the people who are falling in love with AI are not men. 2555 02:18:50,196 --> 02:18:51,114 They're women. 2556 02:18:51,114 --> 02:18:53,283 Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you think that is? 2557 02:18:53,283 --> 02:18:56,745 Because what does chat provide that emotional stimulation. 2558 02:18:56,870 --> 02:19:00,999 Not necessarily stimulation but it it it's the biggest co 2559 02:19:01,833 --> 02:19:05,837 in the history of humanity Co in like codependent cosine. 2560 02:19:06,296 --> 02:19:10,467 It's like you are always right to chat. 2561 02:19:11,009 --> 02:19:15,055 Unless you explicitly instruct it repeatedly to challenge you. 2562 02:19:15,055 --> 02:19:18,808 It's going to take your side no matter what. 2563 02:19:19,017 --> 02:19:24,022 Your version is the only version it will ever know, and it will tell you 2564 02:19:24,022 --> 02:19:29,027 exactly what you want to hear, which creates an emotional echo chamber. 2565 02:19:29,444 --> 02:19:32,113 So the women feel heard, they feel validated, 2566 02:19:32,113 --> 02:19:35,116 and they begin to fall in love with that experience. 2567 02:19:35,617 --> 02:19:39,496 And it does so uniquely for that individual person. 2568 02:19:39,496 --> 02:19:42,082 So yeah, that's happened repeatedly. 2569 02:19:42,082 --> 02:19:43,208 Repeatedly. 2570 02:19:43,208 --> 02:19:45,585 This is a crazy new world we're living in. it is. 2571 02:19:45,585 --> 02:19:46,920 But it goes to show that these are 2572 02:19:46,920 --> 02:19:49,923 the things that men and women differentially want. 2573 02:19:49,964 --> 02:19:53,927 And if they can't get them from other people, they're going to find 2574 02:19:53,968 --> 02:19:57,097 other solutions to those problems, because they're not going to stop wanting 2575 02:19:57,097 --> 02:19:58,515 the things that they want. 2576 02:19:58,515 --> 02:20:01,309 Doctor Orion, thank you so much for being on the show. 2577 02:20:01,309 --> 02:20:02,394 Well, this was great, man. 2578 02:20:02,394 --> 02:20:04,104 Thank you for the opportunity to come and share 2579 02:20:04,104 --> 02:20:06,481 some of my ideas with your audience. Thank you.