well
hello all you beautiful people
you know what time it is
[Music]
ladies and gents
guys and dolls and everyone in between
gather round
get you something real nice to sip on
and comfy to slip on
because it's time
for smut club
here's your hosts chelsea and hannah
[Applause]
[Music]
i've been told i'm a very loud clapper
you are and it's one of my favorite
qualities that you have did you know
that about me
i didn't
we only work together remotely we've
never been in the same room until now
yes correct correct anyway hi i'm hannah
welcome to smug club i'm chelsea also
welcome to smut club woohoo
um
so
last episode we did a lot of roasting of
jeff bezos and
we want to take a moment to recognize
the fact that we often
still patronize his
business
and in fact uh people who know me have
know i have a lot of insomnia which is
why i read as much as i do and sometimes
what happens with that insomnia is i
order some things
from
the amazon usually although i did also
order a
tarot card journal
at three o'clock in the morning like
right before christmas
um i haven't used it yet but it came and
it has stamps so that i can stamp what
cards i pulled for different days
um
i don't i don't know why i did that but
earlier this week at about two o'clock
in the morning i did order a bodysuit
from the amazon and some tights
please tell us like when you say
bodysuit that's really open for
interpretation because there's there's
sexy bodysuits it's there's like they're
like
like the catwoman is that like no so
it's not like a jumpsuit situation it's
more of a like an adult onesie action
where like it
like it's cut like a one-piece bathing
suit on the bottom you know what i'm
talking about and then it has like loose
sleeves which i was excited about and
the purpose apparently of a bodysuit of
this design is so that you can wear like
pants or a skirt or whatever with it and
it won't ride up
which is an issue i have
you know i've seen those
so are there legs
no oh so it's just more like a crotch
button a situation it is it is it stays
it has snaps
crotch snaps crotch snaps so one of the
girls at work wears these a lot which is
why i even considered perusing them
recently and i asked her about like how
does she how does she pee like is it a
challenge
you know yes you know because when i'm
at work i don't really want to deal with
that and she was
she was like sometimes i just push it to
the side and she did this weird little
squat
motion showed you like in my head i'm
like it's just like when you wear a
one-piece swimsuit and go to the
restroom and you move it to the side i
don't feel like i've ever needed to
model that no i didn't i didn't need it
demonstrated but i'm very grateful that
it was so that should be here tomorrow
so i'm really interested to see although
i did order it with the thought that i
would wear it with some of the work
pants that i have and then i realized
it's a little bit low plunging and my
boobs are kind of an issue so
oh yeah well
you do have a client right now who's a
little
um romantically fixated on you
and so maybe wait until they are
discharged from services before you wear
it yeah
well the so the other day i had like i
got home and i was changing into my pjs
and my husband was like honey are you
wearing two bras and i was like babe i
am almost always wearing two bras
because my tits are huge and they enter
the room like 10 minutes before i do and
i work with men and so yes i'm wearing
two bras and he was like okay i'm really
sorry i love you he's like wow i didn't
know that that was going to evoke such a
strong response out of you yeah and i
was like i bet you're sorry
that you said that and he was like i am
which is also funny to me
because well our listeners don't
necessarily know this off the bat um
hannah and her husband work at the same
place we do yes that's correct do you
all drive together no
is there a re like do you all work
different hours does it just like keep a
boundary between you at work i mean it's
partially a boundary thing but also
i have to be in earlier than he does
usually uh that's fair and then um so he
does primarily intakes so
he usually has to stay later than i do
because intakes are coming in later in
the day
um
so i usually am able to leave earlier
but i get there earlier so well yeah you
get there earlier and then you get to
leave earlier and take off the double
brow situation because while it's
necessary for work it's also
not comfortable for life
that's correct yeah
um we aren't currently sponsored by a
bra company but if someone wanted to
sponsor us we would be willing to try
your products yeah i know you guys
probably haven't actually seen me or
like know what i look like but there's a
lot happening here that needs support
well that makes one of us
so
life's all about balance and that's what
we bring here as well it is yeah okay so
tell me today on smut club um
we're gonna do some like age gap smut
yes who doesn't love some good age gap
smut me
oh
i won't tell you about it then i'll
choose something else no i want to hear
you you just don't like age gap smart
like sometimes it me it it skeeves me
out a little bit when it's like the girl
is 17. oh no
i think she's 19 in this one she can
legally
buy a lottery ticket
she is legal to join the marines so can
she legally drink no can she join the
military and fight for our country
yes
um
okay then
so that's better right at least she's
illegal yeah so and it's also
he's like a hot 38 or 39 year old yeah
okay
it's like there's like a 20 year gap all
right before i go into any of this i
should really just tell us
um so today we are talking about
birthday girl by
penelope douglas
okay
um yes it's a it's a fun one it's a
relatively quick one sure
um
it was the first i think it was the
first penelope douglas book i ever read
also consequently my favorite because
sometimes she's like
i enjoy her books but she's a little bit
like
on the wrong side of bully smut
where you're like oh this isn't
i'm just reading cruelty
and then they're like i'm so wet and
you're like no one else is wet no this
is not fun to read no i'm not into that
so
just throwing that out there that she
has some other books that i've
considered she has some other books that
i've read
she has some other books that have put
me in a weird emotional place
i was gonna throw it out here they got a
reaction and they got you thinking so
they did i also i like i don't do it for
every book i read but when i leave
book reviews on goodreads
i like to do one sentence book reviews
because here's the thing no one wants to
read a [ __ ] novel sometimes i do when
they're really terrible
well sometimes i do if like the reviews
are really hilarious because the book
was so terrible yeah but i also feel
like a lot of times people just they're
like i'm gonna write
a dissertation right on a book that was
only rated 3.5 stars in the first place
and i'm like we already know it was
subpar i don't need a dissertation on it
being subpar every thought i had while
reading this book there you go yes and
i'm like no queen no one needs that live
your truth if that means a lot to you to
post those reviews
i'm not going to read them but that
shouldn't stop you sure from living your
life
all that said when i leave reviews i
tend to leave one to two sentence or
most commonly there's a semicolon
involved so it's still one sentence
um and i i left a review for another one
of her books that was not the most
favorable well pro you know i i'm in a
different season of life i might try
rereading it and reviewing it at some
point but
yeah i think i gave it like one star and
then my friend texts me a screenshot of
my review that popped up on goodreads
and she was like i spit my coffee out
because this was so harsh and i was like
oh okay i can be better
so all that said please don't be better
when you're telling me whatever you're
about to tell me right okay so birthday
girl
opening cena birthday girl you got the
birthday girl i know
we're very confused here um
we did not see that coming that the book
is called birthday girl and it's we open
on the birthday girl her name is jordan
sure
she works somewhere she works at a bar
that's where she works sure somewhere
passive um so she works at a bar she
lives in a small town she doesn't make
much money
she
her mom's an addict or dead i don't
really remember what's happening with
her mother we don't give a [ __ ] about
your dead mom jordan we don't care it's
like a side note it's not really
like she's not close with her father and
her step
mother
she is close with her older sister who
is a stripper in town at the strip club
called the hook
so aside from beef that's the best name
for a strip club that i've heard in a
while i'm pretty sure in the middle of
nowhere town where my parents live
there's a strip club called the fuzzy
hole
i stand corrected
i can't say which one is better i can
fuzzy hole is the best
town in tennessee
so i just want to point out that you
just said bum [ __ ]
immediately after talking about the
fuzzy hole
the bum [ __ ] town has a fuzzy hole strip
club and i think that's all you really
need to know about east tennessee yeah i
don't have it it's beautiful yeah i have
no follow-up questions carry on go visit
no stunning i won't do that thank you
okay so we open
so
the bar closes jordan decides she's the
main character she decides she's gonna
go to the movies um her boyfriend
hasn't picked her up from work yet rude
um i don't remember his name he's also
her age
i should know his name
whatever he's not the love interest so i
don't give a [ __ ]
so
jordan goes to the movies and she meets
this cool older gentleman
i believe his name is pike
pike is like 38 39. he's the main love
interest so they just have like that
connection they are [ __ ] vibing
actually this movie sure he mentions
like a poltergeist showing and she's
like oh like i want to go but like in
her head she feels guilty because she's
like i have a boyfriend so i shouldn't
like want to hang out with this dude
so then they leave the movie
her boyfriend still hasn't picked her up
um and then pike gets a phone call
saying he needs to go to the local jail
to pick someone up plot twist
jordan is dating pike's son
i know none of us saw this coming no i'm
frankly floored by that right it's
uncanny like yeah wow yeah so
um
they have to go and pick him up because
he was throwing jordan a birthday party
and then everyone got out of hand and
out of control um before jordan made it
to her birthday party i was gonna say a
birthday party where she wasn't even
there yeah like he was trying to throw
her a surprise party and be like a sweet
boyfriend
and then everyone went wild and not too
turnt and then he
got arrested they get kicked out of
their apartment that they're living in
together she's in school she wants to be
a landscape architect she really like
she has her head on her shoulder she's
just overcoming a lot of adversity
in her life okay and she's a hot 19 year
old so they've now been evicted yes and
so
the aspiring landscape architect yes
jordan
who is dating
this guy yes is into the father of this
guy she didn't know was the father of
this guy she finds out because they're
they have to go pick him up from jail
because he threw her a party where she
wasn't there and it got too turnt and he
got arrested and then them evicted from
their home yes you understand like the
first chapter of this book that's all
the first chapter maybe the first two if
we're feeling crazy oh my god okay okay
okay carry on
so
plot twist they're evicted and they're
like [ __ ] where are we going to live
we should live with my father is what
the boyfriend says so jordan and her
boyfriend move in with the hot dad who
she like is struggling with her feelings
for um
and her boyfriend
just sucks if we're being completely
honest he's like a 19 year old idiot
like sure no offense to 19 year olds but
i feel like most 19 year old dudes like
don't know what they're doing in life
or they're like they're working towards
the goal but they haven't achieved it
yet like no shame on you if you're
working towards something
he's a little aimless and not really
working towards anything and she is
working towards a lot of things now mind
you like jordan and the boyfriend
they've been friends for a really long
time before they started dating and like
they had a traumatic experience that
they went through together where they
they lost another friend so like
the trauma bonding yeah some trauma
bonding like they're
are they more together
just
out of comfort and like familiarity sure
who can say
i can say
actually i'm licensed and qualified to
determine as a licensed therapist in two
out of 50 states
nice yes um
i will say
they
don't really have any business being
together but they were brought together
by a traumatic experience and they have
a trauma bond and so there's a lot of
like oh i just like put up with their
[ __ ] because like it all like works out
and it's fine and so
then they're living with hot dad pike
he owns a construction company sure and
like mind you like it's not like they're
not living there for on a free ride like
they're supposed to help with chores
they're supposed to do these things but
i'm sure we're all surprised to hear
that the boyfriend
isn't pulling his weight in the house
and so jordan is like i'm gonna pull
weight for both of us and i'm gonna
cook dinner every night and i'm gonna
clean and i'm gonna do this and i'm
gonna do that
and so she's really like
just becomes like the woman of the house
who's running everything while her
boyfriend
lives his best life with no
accountability
because he's much he's a lot more like
well i'm living with my dad's like who
gives a [ __ ] if i said i was gonna do
today i can do it three days from now
like it doesn't matter and she's like no
if you said you're gonna do it today
like she's very principled sure
much like a 38 or 39 year old man i
don't remember how old he is
so
um a storm comes through and pike is
like [ __ ]
there's gonna be a storm we have to like
go get the construction site sealed and
get everything put away but his son is
sleeping so jordan's like oh volunteer
i'll go help all of the construction
pros that work for you and like so she
goes and helps and like they like keep
bonding and essentially
that's a lot of the book i'm not gonna
bore you with all of the details but
it's like then like it's her like
showing up and like the boyfriend not
doing dick
and
so like at one point like so wait is
boyfriend literally not doing dick
throughout the book
he like kind of works on her car a
little bit
and he well no i meant like physical
dick
oh also not much physical death
yeah i think there's like one or two
experiences where like it's one where
it's like we had a fight that night and
he's like all we ever do is fight
anymore like we don't bone anymore and
then she's like i let him pull me into
the shower the next morning and i was
like that feels more like a freebie that
you gave cause you felt bad more than
you were into it right um i mean who am
i to look at your motivators
i'm a therapist
that's who i am that's a situation also
can i just i
every time you say that the dude's name
is pike i just think of like
is that a fish isn't that like a kind of
fish
is it i'm pretty sure
i'm pretty sure that's like a kind of
fish and i'm not knowledgeable enough
about fish to know if it's fresh water
or
salt water i'm
but i feel certain that it's the kind of
fish and and then that leads me back to
the word slippery
um so i just learned a pike fish a
northern pike a northern pike um
is a carnivorous fish jesus right they
are
typical of brackish and fresh waters in
the northern hemisphere they're known
they are known simply as a pike they
aren't known as northern pike in the
south but they're known as a pike in
britain ireland and most of eastern
europe and canada and the united states
so i don't know who's left calling it a
northern pike but there is a fish tight
breed species
called a pike family order class i don't
really remember
so
okay
all right so he's named after a
carnivorous fish and i have a lot of
questions about
what is the fish eating
like well he wants to eat jordan i was
gonna say
obviously he is into eating other fish
carry on right and so he's like really
like
reconciling his thoughts and his
feelings here so for sure yeah [ __ ]
son decides to throw a redo birthday
party that's just kind of a party cause
that's what we need exactly like
jordan's like not super into it but like
pike gets her like a birthday cake and
she's like oh like who's the cake for
and he's like oh like it's for you and
like he felt embarrassed because he's
playing poker with his friends who are
also all like age-appropriate
while his son is having a party with a
bunch of like
19 year olds in bikinis and all hanging
out at the pool sure sure and so most of
the book is this like push and pull
tension between these moments there's a
time so
jordan has an ex-boyfriend who had like
assaulted her at some point and like
that's obviously bad news bears no one
is a fan of assault sure i think his
name was jay
he was a side character i didn't give a
[ __ ]
so
um jay
like
likes to show up likes to try and like
still [ __ ] with her like it's still like
you don't know if he's into her or if
he's just like antagonizing her right
right and so there's a scene where
jordan's boyfriend doesn't pick her up
from work again again i know we're all
surprised he's a
19 year old with no responsibilities on
his plate who's partying and not picking
up his hard-working girlfriend from work
color me shocked i'm not i'm floored
she
is like okay she like she closes down
and then she goes to leave and
jay is outside to pick her up and she's
like where like
where's my boyfriend and he's like oh
well like he got trashed so like he
asked me to come pick you up and she's
like he would never ask that because he
knows like you assaulted me and i'm like
not cool with you and so she's like i
won't like go anywhere with you and so
she goes inside and locks herself in the
bar for the night
so
pike sees
she wasn't home that night and he calls
her and is like i can't believe you
would like pull this [ __ ] on my son i
thought you were honorable i thought you
were respectful you're out doing lord
knows what with who knows what
um rude and a lot of assumptions so many
assumptions carnivorous fish did not ask
any questions this [ __ ] carnivorous
fish
he felt like a real putts about it later
i'll tell you that much
so he's pike the putts pike the putts
the carnivorous
the carnivorous fish everybody knows we
love alliteration we really like i'm a
[ __ ] for alliteration
i love it it's the best i'm sure your
husband loves that
yes i'll ask him later but hey
could you speak in some alliterations
for me how do you feel about a living
awesome alliteration
anyway so that's where we're at so
pike makes all of these assumptions
pretentious pike makes all of these
assumptions and then
shows up at the bar
and then the owner of the bar that
jordan works at is like she's a good kid
no she didn't get in jay's car or like
didn't go with jay last night because he
assaulted her and she didn't feel
comfortable and so then pike is like i'm
such an ass because i like laid into
this girl for like cheating on my son
all these things right um vin pike
decides like i don't remember if this
was before or after that scene but like
pike decides that he's gonna remodel the
guest bathroom which is their bathroom
in his house
and so
they have to use the master bath
for showers and things of that capacity
like at some point jordan's in the
shower and she's like fantasizing about
pike and like starts masturbating
and then uses his loofah
between her
but then like doesn't realize it's his
luffa until afterwards and it's like
hold on hold on who else is luffa would
it be hers
she thought it was her own like wouldn't
you know
your own loofah like i mean if you look
at the color of it probably if your eyes
are closed maybe not like i would know
if it's my loofah from texture
have some questions i don't feel like i
would be blindly groping around the
shower for a loofah
like i guess if you're just like open
for that in the moment and you're
masturbating and you have your eyes
closed unless you masturbate with your
eyes open and then you just like reach
back behind you and grab whatever loofah
is most available no no no and then you
put it between your legs no no no i feel
like even if you're mid masturbate if
you are reaching for a loofah you at
least slit your eyes to like figure out
what you're grabbing right well and so
then she like finishes and then is like
his loofah yeah like using his luffa
because friction obviously and then
she's like oh i should buy him a new
loofah
he's masturbating in the shower thinking
about her
and then he's like where the [ __ ] is my
loofah so she does so she never replaced
it she took the loofah
it wasn't just that she used it she took
it well she threw it out because she's
like i did orgasm on this lupa the least
i can do is buy the man a new one
um and then i don't and then apparently
she didn't get around to it before he
was also masturbating in the shower but
i also feel like you got to replace the
luffa like within a 24-hour time frame
yeah you know like i don't know
priorities and stuff like how long was
it between showers where like at one at
what point was he was like was he like
my luffa is missing right and i need it
right
so it is definitely something to
consider so okay so we left off with him
masturbating in the shower and
so was he looking for his luffa to then
finish or was he finished and then just
gonna actually shower i think it was
more of that he's like where the [ __ ] is
my luffa
he's like i got off where is my luffa
now that i think about it i don't
imagine a dude would want to use a luffa
while masturbating but as a woman i
i i don't feel like i can speak to that
as a woman i can't speak to that
as a man i will say they probably aren't
i feel like that's what i just heard you
say like i mean i don't know but i would
think like that would not be pleasant
well so at some point in this
masturbatory journey
sure it and it is a journey it is a
journey right so jordan gets home from
work
and
um
like there's all of this just like
tension with her and pike and like she
like calls them like mr lawson sometimes
and you're like oh is there like some
reluctance like what's happening here
and so like she's standing in the house
she gets home from work pike is also
standing there they look out in the yard
and [ __ ] boyfriend son
is in the pool with another girl what
who's like
they're like mid whatever they're doing
sure i don't know if i don't know where
they were in their journey i don't well
i could if i opened the book i don't
really remember where it was like like a
pool bang
yeah just like a i mean a two-person
pool bang i feel like
i didn't realize that need to be
designated although considering we did
reverse harem last time i guess it is
worth
right differentiating yeah like jordan
didn't see her boyfriend boning someone
else in a pool and was like i should go
join them right right instead she was
like what the [ __ ] and oh has this been
going on cause like like for a while
because like it feels like we haven't
been like as in touch lately and then
you find out like this all started at
her birthday party that she missed
because he threw it he was that where
the book started they've been boning
since the book started right
so he's like
i'll leave i'll go stay with this girl
and jordan can keep living here with my
father because i know she doesn't have
any other place to live
um
and then there's just a lot of that like
back and forth tension there's a block
party at some point for one of pike's
friends
jordan leaves with some like
age-appropriate people and there's a
dude who's clearly into her
and so like pike is all out of sorts
about it
and so then like jordan's like nothing's
gonna happen but she like doesn't say
that to pike and then like she gets home
from this gathering and pike has an
age-appropriate lady over oh my stars
and so jordan just starts like actin a
fool and she starts like slamming the
laundry door like the like the washer
and dryer doors and just like making all
of this noise and like really like
trying to be a [ __ ] about it sure and
so
then
pike kicks the lady out
i know we're all surprised by this and
then they're like oh like
he's like you're too young and there's
all this tension she's like i guess i'll
find someone else to [ __ ] me the way i
want to be [ __ ] or like whatever it is
sure and then he's like no one else is
gonna take my job and then they bone
and so then you're like oh like what's
gonna happen now because it's still some
weird territory and the son still
doesn't know that his dad is into his
ex-girlfriend right
and so then they're like they're trying
to navigate it
and so like the morning after they bone
pike's
ex-wife ex-girlfriend the son's mother
shows up and
they have a conversation then he's like
psyching himself out because he's like i
have no business right boning a 19 year
old girl
so
that night
you know mind you jordan is always hard
up for money she's always hard up for
cash she works in a small town at a bar
that's like not like a bougie bar
and so her sister is like hey we're
having this wet t-shirt contest
at the strip club you should come and
participate in at the hook at the hook
yes the strip club the hook
and her sister was also kind enough hold
on so is does pike wind up on the hook
oh did he i'm really sorry i just said
that no he ends up he ends up in the
fuzzy hole
i'm really sorry i said that but i'm not
sorry about where it ended up no you
shouldn't be never apologize for that
so
jordan is like oh well like i know like
pike was like i want you home when i get
home and she's always making dinner and
so
she like
has a movie queued up has the pizza
and he like doesn't come home
and just like doesn't show up because
he's kind of psyched himself out about
this whole experience and relationship
between them and so like she calls his
like
co-worker best friend whoever he is and
i was like hey
um i like i
i don't i think pike's cell phone died
like trying to get a hold of him like
what time are y'all leaving the site
like the work site and drop site and
he's like oh
oh well we ended hours ago like pike's
been at the bar
with some friends and so she's like [ __ ]
this [ __ ] i'm not sitting around i'm not
waiting for him i just need to go make
my own money do my own thing so
she decides
to go to the hook and participate in
this contest that her sister
has pre-purchased the lingerie for her
to wear to this because like
what are sisters for very convenient
yeah right although to be fair i have
sisters and i have never purchased
either of them lingerie
of any kind i think i bought my sister
lingerie for her bachelorette party and
vice versa but i think that's like
the gist of it yeah i don't think like
it's never like hey i was just at the
department store and thought i'd pick
you up a little something something like
that never happened i was just thinking
about you and i saw this and i was like
oh my god you know who would look
amazing in this my sister
but also would that be a good birthday
party theme one year like no one ever
gives you nice underwear or lingerie
unless it's your bachelorette party
right so like what if i was just like
hey
for my birthday i wanna have a lingerie
party where you just buy me lingerie i
mean
sure
if that's what you want to do
like it
it feels a little like controversial but
it's not the weirdest thought i've ever
had it could be fun it's a theme
it is it's a theme some people do like
golf as a theme
why not do lingerie sure right yeah
so jordan is wearing this lingerie at
the hook not the fuzzy hole that one's
in tennessee this one isn't a book
so
at the hook
and lingerie is covering her fuzzy hole
to be clear
you are correct
and so pike gets home and like sees that
like jordan's not there and then he's
starting to feel guilty and he like sees
like the pizza and he sees it like the
tv was already queued up for this movie
because she thought they were having
this like date night and he just like
didn't show up and didn't call her or
communicate with her
so
she goes to this contest and then he's
like i'm gonna dress up for her i'm
gonna let her know she matters so he
puts on a suit
and goes to the hook
and is like they're watching her like
get pulled onto stage reluctantly
and then they like poured a pitcher of
water on her head even though she'd been
saying no and then he's like this is
mine like no one else should like see
what's mine
right that like possessive energy so
he then is like come with me and they're
like making out and the
strip club parking lot
and then he like has his mouth on her
boob and then a cop drives by that he
knows like hey man is that what's his
face his daughter there and he's like
yeah
and so then they go home and on the
drive home he's like yeah well like i
know like you like never like strip like
you don't have it in you and she's like
[ __ ] you i do have to send me i just
don't want to do it for a living
so she's like hey why don't we like get
in our swimsuits and like go swimming
and like hang out in the pool he's like
all right sounds good and
he's not really thinking about it so she
goes up and then locks herself in her
bedroom and then facetimes him
and then is like
let me show you
my sexy dance moves and she has like
music on and she's like stripping in her
bedroom on facetime for her well he's
downstairs yeah like he's on the couch
on facetime
they're in the same building yeah okay
so then
he goes up and like is like oh i'm so
hard right now like we like got like i
like i want to be a part of this and
then her bedroom door is locked and
she's like you said i didn't have it in
me and i definitely did and then he like
watches her like
orgasm while riding the side of her desk
or something like that what and then
he's like open the door and she's like
that makes
less sense than a loofah
well like how like i'm trying to imagine
like the position you have to be in and
like the on the corner angle
ow i don't i don't like that but okay
i mean whatever
floats your penis i guess or your [ __ ] i
don't know whatever floats your penis
i don't think that's a saying it might
become a saying
it's not whatever floats your boat
whatever floods your dick
do it sure yeah so then he's like let me
and she's like no like you said i
couldn't do it and i can and like i'm
gonna go to bed now
and so then like good night i'm really
relaxed because i gave myself a desk
orgasm thank you yes you told me i
couldn't strip so i [ __ ] myself on the
side of a desk joke's on you oh
and so then he's like goes to bed and is
sexually frustrated and then she like
texts him and she's like she's like
don't masturbate like don't touch
yourself and so she's like you know like
you have to like sleep like and he
apparently just says okay i'm like
you're a 38 or 39 year old man bro
you do not need to just like
wait
right
and so then the next day his business
partner best friend like calls her and
he's like hey like you know i like pikes
like a lot of stories he's like super
pissed he
he put like
three times the amount of nails in the
drywall
and he was like he's heading home
earlier all the nails exactly all the
nails in the drywall
and so
hike heads home early and then like
she's sunbathing in the front yard and
the suburbs i don't know
and then he's like get in the house and
then a neighbor's like hey
she's the girl and she's like are you
interested in babysitting i heard you
babysat for this other neighbor and then
it's just like this weird thing like
once again really noting
their age differences sure sure
so they bone
and then like that's where we're at
uh-huh uh-huh there's no blood play i
don't i'm sorry to disappoint you
there's no blood play i mean
all right not everything can be done at
vipers am i right
so not every man can be diesel
wearing a sequin
unicorn fanny pack
precisely well so pike doesn't have one
of those because he's not a [ __ ]
does he keep grenades and tacos anywhere
where do where is he where does he keep
his grenades and tacos
so
jordan and pike are like getting into
this like better space and like okay
like she's still like you have to like
tell your son
at some point like right and
then his ex calls them and is like hey
the power like the ac is that at my
house we need to come stay with you so
now his ex who he like casually bones
when the mood strikes historically sure
and his sons
are now moving back in with him oh dear
and so jordan had moved out of the
bedroom that she had shared with the
ex-boyfriend
and so they're like it's a three-bedroom
is what i've i've gathered um she moves
into the third bedroom because she's
like i'm not sleeping in that room
anymore
and then the mom is like like pike is
like cool like tells his ex his son's
mom he's like cool you can sleep on the
couch and she's like well why can't i
just sleep in that bedroom and he's like
well that's because that's jordan's
bedroom and she's like well why can't
she just sleep in the same room as our
son like it's just sleep for a few
nights does it really matter
and oh it does matter because she's mine
yes but like he won't say that and like
won't announce it and then
so then like jordan like calls his bluff
and he's like no it's fine like it's
just sleep why wouldn't i and so then
like neither of them can sleep like
jordan and pike then like
find each other like sitting out by the
pool in the middle of the night to like
have these conversations cause i can't
sleep without you baby right and then
it's like well just tell him like you
gotta like
you gotta tell him at some point if
we're gonna move forward and he's like i
can't like do that because like he's
never had a great relationship with his
son and it's always been pretty volatile
and he's like you can't lose them and
she's like okay well then like you're
gonna lose me but like that's chilled in
that show right where are your
priorities do you want this 19 year old
fuzzy hole or do you want your son
i hated everything about that sentence
but also yeah and so
oh god to be fair
i don't fully remember we read a lot of
books we do and
um
so he doesn't tell his son and then like
jordan's like going about her life and
going to work and at one point like she
comes home
and
plot twist her ex-boyfriend is throwing
another party at his dad's house
i'm sensing a theme well and son has
told dad he's like hey like i broke up
with that other girl like i got this job
with benefits it starts like next week
i'm really excited about it and it's
like oh wow like okay like he's really
doing [ __ ] with his life
so
then his son is throwing this
party jay the [ __ ] x is at the party
and like comes on to jordan jordan like
usurps it and then at someone like her
and pike you're like fighting and jay
like sees it and he starts like
calling jordan
derogatory names so then like
then they start when he like like he
punches him and it becomes this fight
and then the son shows up and then like
it gets announced that his dad is
[ __ ] his ex-girlfriend and it becomes
whole right so like that's really the
scene where it all like plays out that's
like a that's a scene that's a lot
happening there in the front yard of in
the front yard yes why didn't anything
like that ever happen in my neighborhood
because you live in the middle of
nowhere in north georgia i do
but like i still live in a neighborhood
though there are still people who are
depraved and weird why can't they do it
outside well so when i used to work
crisis there was like
there was
a very like residential area in
nashville and i went and there was a
woman she was not doing well and needed
to be put in a psychiatric hospital sure
like she was like sweeping her roof in
the rain
and like
yeah it was very much like i had to let
the trees grow over my house because
like the cia's spying on me kind of
energy oh man um she wouldn't get off
her roof
and then the police were looking at me
like how do we get her off her roof and
i was like that's a you problem i just
write the paperwork together into a
hospital right i know for
for kittens you call the fire department
so maybe give them give them a ring just
see um
as someone who worked for the fire
department they would not have come i
know i know and so
yeah
what was interesting to me was the lady
finally she was to be to her credit she
took the ladder down from the roof and
was trying to sneak back into her house
not knowing police were behind her house
and so then she like got hog tied and
they're like taking her to her car and
it's like a very residential area and
i'm on the street in the rain while all
of this is happening and like the five
surrounding houses where all of these
just like hipster millennials
drink in their blue ribbon
like just like sitting on their front
porch watching this woman get
hospitalized and i'm like what a weird
energy
so i'm here to guarantee you
that at least
three of those individuals tried to work
that into their new stand-up comedy
routine
or because it was nashville
their song there you go yeah
right so all that said
the book didn't take place in nashville
and so all this happens in the front
yard and like jordan's like [ __ ] this
[ __ ] i'm leaving right and so then she
decides like he's not gonna claim me
he's not gonna say anything like she's
like i'm out and so she's like i have a
friend she runs a motel out of state i
think in like west virginia and she's
like i'm gonna maybe not west virginia
am i manifesting that i don't know i
maybe it was in virginia i think it was
west virginia anyway
her friend owns a motel and she's like
i'm gonna go live with her are they met
on a school field trip to washington dc
that's what it was i don't even remember
so washington dc and west virginia are
very different places just to be clear
they are but geographically they aren't
that far from yeah geographically all
things considered they're not that far
from each other you're correct right
so
she leaves and decides she's gonna like
go stay with a friend and is like
piecing out of this town
cause it's also between classes her
classes haven't started back up at the
college sure sure because landscape
architecture is her calling
apparently she's very good at it
because she left the models in pike's
house because she had no place to take
them when she bounced so oh and he's a
contractor so he would know
exactly
i'm making the connection right so then
he pike goes like jordan pieces he like
can't get in contact with her um and
then he goes to his ex's house and then
she's like just let you know our son's
new job he joined the military he
shipped out for basic
this morning or yesterday or whatever
stars and so then pike feels really
guilty and he like can't get in contact
with the son because his son is
ambassador right exactly
so there's all of this and then jordan's
gone this whole time and like the like
pike has really been reconciling with
himself where he's like i can't give her
like what she wants because like she's
this like young girl and i'm an older
dude and like
i i could never be what she wants and
just really self-deprecating and like
not really having any insight into her
actual goals or dreams or desires right
he's doing a lot of mind reading
right a lot of assumptions going back to
earlier in the book where he didn't ask
he just made assumptions right right and
then he made a fool out of himself
so so he continues to be a fool as men
often do 100 so now he doesn't have his
his
19 year old girlfriend nor does he have
his 19 year old son
can't get in contact with either of them
he like he goes to the strip club he
goes to the hook to be like ask her
sister like i just want to like talk to
her
and then he's like gifts are like like
there's 100 bill on the table and it's
like i'll give you like just like tell
me where she is and then the sister
needs him in the balls
and then takes the hundred dollars
i was gonna say please tell me she
doesn't sell her sister out for a
hundred dollars like no she's better
than that i love that right and i really
did i was going to say i think she's my
favorite character in the book that
you've she's just a good supportive
character she does show up throughout
the book and it's like seems like you're
really into your boyfriend's dad
and jordan's like no i'm not and
sister's like whatever you say so there
is a lot of that and all right babe
right
so
pike is now without a girlfriend
or a son or a son
and then
he's lonely sure and gets really ahead
on work projects for his construction
company and like there's a scene and
he's like just installed a clothesline
in my backyard who the [ __ ] needs a
clothesline these days i just needed
something to do have you ever noticed
that like when when these male
characters get sexually frustrated
suddenly like
they're the most productive they've ever
been like i didn't realize that sexual
frustration was akin to like
a damn for producing electricity you
know like
like like because the sexual frustration
has been stoppered they have like all of
this energy that goes towards like
productive things which can be helpful
which makes me think that
for all the ladies out there we should
sleep with our husbands less so they do
more around the house i don't think
that's actually how it works in the real
world because i feel like i feel like
what happens in the real world is
your partner gets sexually frustrated
and then it's just grumpy
and then you're like yeah honestly i'm
not really in the mood
yeah because we're a little bit grumpy
right now like at no point in my
relationship with my husband have i ever
been like
oh
he's fixing the broken leg on that table
he's probably sexually frustrated like
at no point has that not ever crossed my
mind yeah no i don't think i've ever
watched my husband unload the dishwasher
and thought
he needs a good hard ride you know like
like my husband is building a gazebo in
our backyard
i should hop on this dick
like it's not
in books it's always they're like i got
nothing else to do so i guess i'll get a
hammer and a nail gun i mean my husband
went under the house the other day
because he was sexually frustrated
i was like why are you under there and
he was like i was just checking it out
and now i'm wondering
i'm not filling in the narrative
because per our conversation i'm like
cool what's going on in my head and i'm
like so your husband masturbated in the
crawl space
no i don't think that's how that
happened because somebody so okay okay
okay back up so the reason that he was
checking the crawl space okay is because
a couple of months ago he went down to
change the air filter and found that the
door to the crawl space was open and the
light was on down there and we did not
do that oh that is unsettling yeah i was
like well i don't feel safe thanks for
telling me that honey i really
appreciate that so we got another camera
and like a whole situation we do live in
the middle of nowhere
so part of the reason why he was going
down there was to make sure that the
crawl stays crawl space was still locked
up and the last time that it had been
left open a really dumb bird got in
there and couldn't get out and died down
there so he was also i guess checking
for dead
birds
so i just want to make sure we're all on
the same page your husband was in the
crawl space because
he was making sure it was secure yeah
and there were no dead birds your
husband was not in the crawl space
because he was sexually frustrated and
had no other outlet i mean i really hope
not i'm not really going to start
talking about my own sex life here but i
would really hope not
you're like i would be shocked i mean
you're like not to toot my own horn i
would be shocked if that if i found out
that was why i don't mean to brag but i
was there and i don't think that's the
issue
okay so pike sexually frustrated pike
actually he built i don't know he he
built a
picnic table with like a cooler built
into it he built benches for it he built
a clothesline he's just building
whatever he can his like best friend
co-workers like we're like two years
ahead on projects
calm down dude yeah like something is
clearly this man needs something else in
his life other than go rub one out
because yes yeah that is
his friend's energy so then pike
goes into jordan's old room that like
still smells like her and he hadn't been
in there and then she had this like jar
of
papers that were all like wishes and
dreams and things like that but they
were all like really like cute and sweet
they were all like start my own like
holiday family tradition and like
kiss someone in the rain i don't know
i'm making [ __ ] up at this point
go forward like go mudding like all like
very 19 year old things to want to do
yes like very like sweet attainable
things yeah that then like pike is
reading through these and being like oh
like
i could have given her all of these
things that she wanted
and so then he goes to the bar that she
used to work at the sister
the stripper sister because she's the
sweet angel baby of the entire book
she's been covering some shifts at the
bar of course
so she's stripping and working at the
spa to cover her sister's shifts
and he's like i really miss her like i
want to see her and they're like
okay well like it's not on like we can't
decide for her so like sure like we'll
tell you she's at a motel that her
friend owns and then like he like that's
like all like
in virginia or west virginia i think it
was west virginia and then they're like
cool that's all we're giving you then he
still had to work for it
and then
he shows up at the
hotel sure and where there are a lot of
beds and doors with locks i imagine
there was only one room left because
because this is actually in the book um
because a dude shows up and buys there's
only six rooms left and he like get
takes five of them for his girls
yes and so
for his harem or is he a pimp i'm pretty
sure he's a pimp because there's another
book that the i'm still not sure the
release date but penelope douglas has a
book called motel
it's about the friend
who runs the motel and i believe
the pimp falling in love because they're
both really into 90s trivia something
like that so that's the connection they
needed so all i can think about speaking
of 90s trivia although i know this isn't
90s but like you know that ray j song
sexy can i
of course so all i can think about now
is that bit where he's like um
uh i've got a girl at the crib we can
take it to the momo
you can bring a friend you can ride solo
that's all i can think now
anytime i hear the word motel that's
what i think of
whenever i think of the song sexy can i
i just think of get it from the front
can i hit it from the back no i like it
like that yep 100 that's that's the only
i'm like that's all i need from that
song so i'm really glad we got to share
that thank you
ray j how you doing my guy so there's
one room left yes so there's one room
left and so
um yeah that was a little bit of a
teaser at the end of the book for this
other book but
the release date keeps getting delayed
she does have a book called motel
penelope do you have nerona why are we
getting delayed have you had their own
since 2020 like i mean people can get it
more than once according to my research
they can
and i don't think that's what's
happening here
but i think they they can i just i just
made an assumption much like pike the
crew right fish
presumptuous pike
just out there making all these making
all these judgment calls that are
not working in his favor no
so
then they end up together
and then she
and she moves back and they live happily
ever after um his wife not his wife
she becomes his wife his son
um he meets a nice girl when he's
stationed in japan and so like they have
a kid in the future and then he men's
fences oh yeah i forgot to mention the
sun does show back up before pike goes
after jordan
like he's done with basic and he's like
i got the letters you sent me i got the
phone cards you sent me and i was like
well i didn't use the phone cards to
call me that's why i gave them to you
but i'm glad you used your phone cards
um
and then like the stuff so that's not
how it works in basic it's not prison
it's not that's not how it works in
basic like you get you're missing the
point of this book
i don't think that was the point
i don't know why that's that's the thing
you're like hold up this is the one
plot hole in the entire book it's not
prison that's not how it works but
anyway thank you so he shows up yes okay
carry on and the son like is like hey
dad like i recognize like that you've
always been there like you took a second
mortgage out on this house so i could go
to college and i dropped out after my
freshman year and like i remember like
this birthday party where mom got drunk
and got in a fight with her ex and like
you took everyone here instead and i
remember when like you
lost a job because you came to my like
birthday or because you came to my game
whatever it is and so like the sun is
just like acknowledging like i know we
haven't been close but like you haven't
been a shitty father i just like have
still been disconnected and so they
start bonding and they get matching
tattoos and it's a it's a thing
and okay
and then he goes after jordan and then
like the epilogue is like
well then they get engaged at some point
in the final chapter i believe and then
the epilogue is like 10 years in the
future and like she's a successful
landscape architect
and they have children
and her ex-boyfriend also has children
the same age so sometimes they'll help
watch them and they're all like they
have a great relationship now um they go
mudding at some they go mudding a couple
times in the book it just didn't feel
that pertinent
and
that is essentially birthday girl
um
what i'm going to rate birthday girl
yeah
how many birthday candles does it get oh
birthday candles yes okay um
well she's 19 so it's out of 19 birthday
candles until her 20th birthday okay so
it's out of 19. yeah so out of 19
i would give it like a solid like
13 or 14. birthday candles what what
what is the the
the [ __ ]
i don't know what you're asking what's
the percentage i just opened my clock
instead of my calculator so okay so like
what's 13 out of 19 or 14. let's do 14
out of 19. okay okay hold on
14 out of 19 is 73. well considering
you gave 5 out of 7 which was 71 on den
of viper we're on par
we are let's see what the rest of the
world has rated ooh that's a good idea
so the rest of the world has rated
birthday girl no i don't want the office
profile i just want the book
um with 86
000 ratings on goodreads oh my god
4.06
stars that's too many stars that's
pretty damn good yeah
i so part of me feels like i should read
that because i have i have not read it
but another part of me feels like i
would need
to like mainline
wine if i was gonna do that like
yes like big age gaps are a struggle for
me
i will say of all age gap books this one
was one i like i actually didn't
struggle with
i feel like there's some age gap books
where i'm like
like creedence was the one i rated
really poorly
i cannot i cannot with that one we're
going to record it's not just me yes
that's going to be all of it in and of
itself i honestly i think for the amount
of time we spend we're never going to
get two books in one episode we're gonna
get one book an episode and count our
lucky stars that we made it through and
we're gonna feel good about it yes so
birthday girl
14 out of 19 birthday candles okay um 73
percent 73
maybe 15 depending i've i've read it
twice no i've read i think i've read it
three times oh my god here's the thing
over several years okay i think it's
like it's one of those books that i'm
like about once a year i'm like oh i
could go back to that but it's like a
like not quite a comfort book situation
but like
a book that's like
i don't want my brain to work right now
yes i read it
like i'm like yeah like i've read like
it's an easy read
there's enough smut
there's not there's no blood play it's
like a safer smut
there's no breath play there's no ring
there's just like a nice age gap and
some loofah masturbation
and some other things with that there is
some other sex i'm struggling with that
with the loofah
i i just i don't like texturally i feel
like that would be a struggle i wouldn't
be into that
no also if you're already
like if you are already mid
masturbation
i don't feel like you're like you know
what would really add to this experience
a loofah
some rough ass
friction
well but then there's also i have a lot
of questions about the loofah like was
it one of those like natural ones that
was or or was it like one of those
plasticky ones yeah like was it like a
walmart loofah that you just get from
that aisle or was it like
when you go and get like a like a actual
sea sponge yes precisely i don't think
it was that given the tone of this book
okay at no point did they say sea sponge
i mean i don't
pike using a sea sponge is too much for
me
i would just like to reiterate jordan
used a loofah no but i mean but it was
i'm pretty sure it was yes
oh so you just met like pike using a sea
sponge on his entire box
like on a daily basis
like pike isn't
into a sea sponge yeah he doesn't strike
me as a man who intentionally exfoliates
and i feel like if you're using a sea
sponge you know the word exfoliate you
do and you do it regularly
all right i'm really glad we had this
time together me too what a great book
review what a great episode so
thank you all for listening thank y'all
for being here and being a part of this
read birthday girl or don't if age gap
lupo sex isn't your thing
it is not mine i won't be reading it i
feel like i
got what i needed from your retelling so
thank you you know i'll take that
and i do think that like you're like
yeah i'll read this book where they
shoved the knife handle up her ass but a
loofah is too hard for me listen here's
what i'm about to do i'm about to put it
on my goodreads as read because i feel
like like you telling it to me i have
experience
you got the experience even for as much
of that book because i was like i don't
[ __ ] know it it happened like that
that was a trivial detail you're like i
still understand including like the
boyfriend's name i don't i don't need to
know those things i have experienced the
book now and i am eternally grateful to
you for that so thank you well
i'm glad i kind of bring that to your
life
i hope you'll have a great day yes
goodbye enjoy adios