People often hate small talk. But why?
You're meeting new people, you're getting more friends,
you're learning about others. Well, here's why. It
causes a great deal of anxiety. You can't control it. You
don't know what's going to happen. There might be awkward silences, might be moments
where you don't know what to do, what to say.
Okay, well, welcome to the club.
We only build relationships by being willing to take
a risk. And today I'm going to talk to you, give you a
tool that's going to help you to deal with these
awkward situations, networking situations where
small talk is necessary. And you're going to turn it into something that's fun and
energizing and, and exciting. So. Welcome to the Decide youe Legacy Podcast.
Today's episode is called Unlock, Clarity,
Create youe own top 10 questions list.
Today, starting today. So I'm Adam Gragg. I'm a legacy coach.
For three decades, I've been a family therapist
working with thousands of clients. And I'm dedicated to teaching others
how to face life with courage. Relationships
take courage. And if
you're watching today, I would really
encourage you to click,
subscribe and to. It takes no time at
all to subscribe to this video on YouTube. And if
you ever want to unsubscribe, you can. And also
wherever you're listening to this content to subscribe, give it a rating and
review on Apple or Spotify, wherever you get this kind of content. This
tells the podcast platforms that this is good content and
it will help more people and reach more people if you do that.
So if you want to go even further
in your life, then I would encourage you to check out
the online course and community called Shatterproof Yourself.
I'm going to teach you skills that I've taught clients
for my three decades as a mental health professional. My
best stuff, worksheets, whiteboards, videos, content you can
go over with your team, your friends, your family. It's gonna benefit you.
It's gonna help your relationships. There's a lot of benefits to having
meaningful conversations. These small talk
type conversations, they lead to meaningful,
impactful life, transformative conversations.
One of those benefits to having these types of conversations is the transformation that
can take place in your life, in your house, in your life.
You can make a lot of. It decreases tension with people.
When you have meaningful conversations because you're starting to connect with them, you learn how
to empathize with what they're going through. You learn about people's
interests and skills, their talents, how they can benefit you
not in a selfish way, but just how you connect with somebody. You have a
meaningful conversation. You realize, well, they know somebody that can be an asset to help
you with a problem that you are looking for a solution for. And
you find that they're good at something like golf or
tennis or pickleball, and you get to go and engage in some kind of
activity with them based on the interaction that you had. And if I look at
my life, the most significant
life altering transformations, the pivotal moments
in my life have been the result of a
good meaningful conversation. And what starts
a good meaningful conversation? Well, questions. Questions.
So today you're gonna learn three. Three
ways to start engaging
in great questions with other people. 3. 3
tips. 3 things you wanna keep in mind to create your own top
list of 10 questions. And you can take this into interactions,
like for a long time, I would suggest. Over
20 years, I've challenged clients, and I just talked to somebody today
that I didn't even remember challenging them to come up with a list of their
10 fav. And this was something that I was challenged to do years and
years ago in my own training as a mental health professional to actually have a
list of 10 favorite questions. What would those be? You're gonna think about those
today, and during this episode, you're gonna think and be inspired
to say, like, wow, I can have this list of
questions tucked away that I can pull out at any point. I'm gonna share some
of my favorites in the episode with you, and by the end of the episode,
you're gonna have at least have started your own list
of favorite questions that you can start practicing
victimizing your family with and your friends with later. So you can
go home. And if you got four boys, then you're gonna start
asking them some of these questions today. And so
my podcast engineer has four boys, right? Yep, four
boys. Yeah, four boys. One of which is locked up
in a closet right now. And he's been
there for how many days? Three days now? Three days? Four days.
Okay, we're just kidding. I'm wanting to make sure you're listening right
now. So, you know, something funn happened on that note.
Yesterday I was talking to a business and
one of my employees who does a lot of content stuff, and he.
He's behind his computer a lot working on stuff. He's a great employee, does a
great job. But I'll tell you, I went to introduce him in his office
to some of these other people that were in my office that I was meeting.
We. We have offices nearby each other. And so I just have a small
team. But I, I went over to introduce them and sometimes I look at
him and I say, man, he is like on the verge of falling asleep. Cause
he's got, he's one of those jobs where he has to look at the computer
for a long time. And so I'm not, not bashing on him at all. But
it was like, ah, you know, okay, we can and we will
wake up when we have interactions that are meaningful. Not that he's not having
meaningful interactions, but as I do things that are relational
with other people, I'm not gonna fall asleep. I mean, it keeps me alive
and awake as I'm engaging people. You're gonna learn how to do that today.
So first thing you wan, as I've mentioned, this is you go ahead
and it's three steps to creating your list is to know the
rules of asking great questions. Alright, so here's some of the
rules. I mean one of the rules that I find is so helpful is ask
questions that are genuine where
you don't already know the answer. You're not trying to manipulate them into
answering it in a way that you want them to answer that question, that you're
genuinely wanting to know the actual answer. So you're not judging them with the question.
It's generally an open end question as well. And it's going to be a what
or how question. What or how questions keep you
engaged with somebody. They force somebody to think
about their answer and you don't
know what the answer is going to be. So you're not trying to lead them
in a specific direction. So a why
question can often be leading. A when question can often seem
leading or it can seem closed ended. They don't have a whole lot of room
to elaborate or to go deeper. So you're not going to get as much
information and it's not going to trigger them to think. When you ask a great
question and as you think about formulating your list,
these questions are going to lead the other person to a pause.
And that pause for many people is uncomfortable because they're having
to do some internal reflection. Some people don't like
what's inside and when they have to look at what's inside, it makes them
uncomfortable. It doesn't mean you're asking a bad question. It means you're asking a great
question and it's just making them uncomfortable.
So know the rules. The rules are, and I'll give you this, these rules,
a number 1A is, you know, ask questions that
are Open ended. B is don't be judgmental in your
questioning. So you have to watch your own heart because you can ask a
question that's open ended still with a what or how. You think it's open ended
with a what or how, but it really is judgmental. It really is a closed
ended question because you're trying to get a response from them that is going to
be the response that you want, you know, so what are you going to do
about it? You know, and you're glaring at them and you want them to say,
well, I'm going to go take care of it right now. You know, what are
you going to do about it? Or what ideas do you have? And you've slid
over a piece of paper that has the ideas that you want them to incorporate
in their job. You know, so those are not open ended questions.
We had a great interaction on my team today and
it was an open ended question. It started with a what? And
this made all of us fairly uncomfortable. Here was the question. The question
was, what would you change? And
everybody on the team had to share their answer with everyone else on the team.
And so we just have a small team, but everyone had to share.
And so it was what one thing would you change about the other person if
you could related to their job? And everybody shared.
Awkward, I know, but it was actually very positive.
I felt like I got some great information from my team about
how I can improve and I was able to give some information that from
what they shared was useful to them. So the second step
in creating your top 10 question list that you can
use to manipulate people for the rest of your life. Just kidding,
just kidding about that. Is you want to make these
questions yours. They're not questions other people
have told you would be good for you to ask others. They're questions that
resonate with you. They are things that you believe
truly are a part of your
curiosity set. So way to think about.
The questions you formulate are what do
you want other people to ask you? So what are you
hoping that someone would ask you? You know, is it maybe you like when people
ask you about your hobbies or you like when people ask you about your kids.
Those would be good questions for you to ask other people. You love when people
ask you about where you're from. So I'm from California.
I kind of like that because not many people where I live are from
California. And then people also where I live
sometimes joke about people from California. And I find it funny to
kind of say, well, you're not really right about that because I'm from California and
I don't agree with that. So it's kind of fun. I know if people are
from Louisiana, they sometimes like to talk about it. You
know, my brother lives in Louisiana. I'm going to see him tomorrow. He's flying into
town for my, for his niece's graduation. He's from
Metairie, Louisiana, and he loves
the New Orleans area. He's very proud of it and he knows it very well.
So if you ever travel in New Orleans, he knows every restaurant and every place
to go and all the history and every professional athlete's from New Orleans
as well. And he's an excellent cook and he loves to talk about food.
So if I'm going to engage with my brother and I ask him
questions about food and he, he will love to engage in that. In
fact, one of the things he's going to want to do is go to cool
restaurants in Wichita. And I'm just thinking right now that I really need to
connect him with my podcast engineer.
Is it okay to call you that Podcast engineer? Troy,
who's sitting right here behind the camera because he is also from Louisiana.
Although Brandon, my brother, is from California. But Troy and my
brother have a lot in common because they both are very passionate about food. My
brother's, my brother's grandfather in law
who was a, is a, well, was a
barber in New Orleans downtown and still lives
downtown. I think he lives in the French Quarter actually. He's a great cook and
he's learned all kinds of stuff from him. So what kind of things
would make your 10 questions. Your 10 questions? You may find it. Here's some ones
that are really good today. I mean, what am I? But you got to make
it your own. I mean, one of my favorite questions to ask just a silly
question is how do you like your eggs? Soft,
yolk, runny, nasty. Which that would be a leading question
if I phrase it like that. So what do you like? How do you like
your eggs? Okay, it's a what or how, but how do you like them? Nasty,
runny or yummy? Soft, I mean, or semi hard.
So I'm leading because I'm already saying nasty. So obviously you know
my opinion about that. But I could phrase that in a way that was non
judgmental would be are you, how do you like your
eggs? Do you like them runny
yoke or do you like them hard yolk? And then they get to answer. There
you go. So some other ways to think about
Creating this top 10 list is what are you most curious about with other people,
Genuinely curious about other people, and then what will
open those around you up the most? So I have a
little bit of a, I have a
little bit of an advantage when it comes to asking
questions because I've been asking questions as a family therapist to families
and people for a long time in a lot of settings.
And I have an idea of what opens people up. And so
about a decade ago, over a decade ago, I started to create
legacy jars and sell legacy jars, which are 109 of
my favorite questions to ask families and people in a
counseling coaching session to get them to open up. You can actually buy the digital
version of that. If you hit the link, buy that digital version, you can make
your own. I'm sold out of these except for one that's right behind me.
That's the last one that I have. And I'm going to make a new batch.
We're actually working on that right now. Where you can buy the legacy jar, use
it in your car, use it with your friends, your family, all of that. So
another thing to something to keep in mind is
what types of questions just excite you and energize you when you ask them
personally? That's going to give you an idea. So you look at your list and
I'll give you some ideas. Here's some. And there's an article that I wrote years
ago. It's 22 questions or 25 questions. Great questions that are
conversation starters. A number of these blogs you can get the
link to in the show notes as well. But here's a few that I like.
So what's a tipping point that changed your life's trajectory and
what happened? Great question. So how would you,
how would your life change if you were 10 times bolder and more
confident? Cool. Here's another one that I like because I love doing
career coaching. So what's most fascinating and motivating to you about your
job? Answer that. Journal about it. These are
great things. You could journal about any of these questions. A couple more of my
favorites. Cool. One one is about goals. So what are two of your biggest goals
over the next 90 days? Love that question because it gets people
thinking. They got to really. Again, some people are going to say, I don't like
that. They're going to brush it off. They're going to be resistant to those questions.
So another one that I like is what's a tough decision
that you're putting off? And then you let
them squirm and think about it. So the third step to creating your top 10
list is to start after you formulated your top
10 list to practice asking. So you practice asking
in a way where you're working on your tone. You're
adjusting it as you go. You're adjusting even the questions you ask because you're seeing
the response potentially. Not that you ask them based on the response, but as
you ask them, you're going to start realizing that this opens somebody up, this doesn't
open them up. This is how I'd want to ask this question. This is how
I wouldn't want to ask the question. And then you become very skilled
at being curious in a really positive and productive way. A lot of fun
and it will be more fun. So those top three pieces of advice as you
create your question list, your top 10 question list to ask others
is first, know the rules, follow
the rules, keep the rules in mind, what or how non
judgmental, open ended. Number two is make them your questions so
they're genuine. People are going to know if you're manufacturing this and it's not coming
from you. And number three, you practice asking. So if you found
this podcast helpful, you're going to love Shatterproof Yourself.
This is our online course and community. We do a live Q and
A. We do live events twice a month.
People submit questions and I get to ask
them and people on my team get to answer those questions in this live
community, get to interact with challenges that happen weekly. One of the
challenges that's going on this week is actually creating your top 10
question list. Engage. Hit the link. You're going to get information.
One of those seven steps to a giant leap in your mental health that I
address in Shadowproof Yourself. As you go over worksheets and workbooks that I've
been using. I mean worksheets and activities I've been taking clients throughout for
three decades is on relationships. So one of the sections is on
building healthy relationships, being curious. And you can go through all
that content on the app through Shatterproof yourself. Check it out right
there. So to decide means that you're eliminating other
options. And your legacy is the impact that your life is gonna have and
is having you are having on other people. Decide what you're gonna
apply from today. What insight did you gain?
Action makes the biggest difference change,
long term, positive change. 20% of it is gaining some
insight, but 80% of it is action taking action based on
what you have learned today. So in closing, I'm going to share with you
what I always do. Live the life today that you want to be remembered
for 10 years after you're gone, you decide your
legacy, nobody else. I appreciate you greatly, and
I'll see you next time.