1 00:00:03,301 --> 00:00:07,761 Ben, what an absolutely pleasure to talk to you today. 2 00:00:07,761 --> 00:00:24,721 I have been looking forward to this so much. 3 00:00:24,721 --> 00:00:29,901 Ben Goya, but it's written as G -I -O -I -A. 4 00:00:29,901 --> 00:00:32,773 And Ben is going to share with us today 5 00:00:32,773 --> 00:00:57,613 Such an amazing story. 6 00:00:57,613 --> 00:00:58,663 What's an authority? 7 00:00:58,663 --> 00:01:13,488 What does that mean? 8 00:01:13,488 --> 00:01:18,768 Being an authority is an important way to help others because when we want people to 9 00:01:18,768 --> 00:01:23,508 say yes to us, one of the psychological factors of influence is authority. 10 00:01:23,508 --> 00:01:30,768 When somebody sees us as an authority, it's easier for them to say yes, for us to 11 00:01:30,768 --> 00:01:32,280 change their lives. 12 00:01:47,105 --> 00:01:54,988 what are these elements of becoming an authority? 13 00:01:54,988 --> 00:01:59,208 talk to your ideal client or customer about the thing you're creating, 14 00:01:59,208 --> 00:02:02,748 especially before you create it, especially if you're writing your book. 15 00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:04,528 Talk to them first. 16 00:02:04,528 --> 00:02:06,688 Really understand how you can help them. 17 00:02:06,688 --> 00:02:11,741 Don't make assumptions around what they need, even if you know what they need. 18 00:02:11,741 --> 00:02:12,431 saying that. 19 00:02:12,431 --> 00:02:13,541 Thank you for saying that. 20 00:02:13,541 --> 00:02:14,031 Thank you. 21 00:02:14,031 --> 00:02:15,141 That's like the thing I say. 22 00:02:15,141 --> 00:02:15,861 Thank you. 23 00:02:15,861 --> 00:02:17,941 Listen to your customers. 24 00:02:18,701 --> 00:02:19,981 Thank you. 25 00:02:20,712 --> 00:02:22,592 Absolutely, absolutely. 26 00:02:23,792 --> 00:02:26,252 And serve people, right? 27 00:02:26,252 --> 00:02:30,392 Again, we're going to hit this probably several times in our conversation, right? 28 00:02:30,392 --> 00:02:31,442 How can you serve? 29 00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:33,732 How can you help first and foremost? 30 00:02:33,732 --> 00:02:37,572 And then from there, if there's a possibility to turn that into a business 31 00:02:37,572 --> 00:02:42,052 relationship, a partnering relationship, even better. 32 00:03:20,073 --> 00:03:22,993 So let's talk about that for a second. 33 00:03:22,993 --> 00:03:27,193 Why are these quote unquote, you know, goody two shoes things, why do they 34 00:03:27,193 --> 00:03:29,273 actually generate value? 35 00:03:29,393 --> 00:03:31,883 And I'll prompt you for the next question. 36 00:03:31,883 --> 00:03:33,725 How do you not get abused? 37 00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:44,784 the good stuff cultivates trust and trust helps people say yes to us. 38 00:03:44,784 --> 00:03:46,844 Trust is memorable, right? 39 00:03:46,844 --> 00:03:51,044 There's that resonance from my heart to your heart, right? 40 00:03:51,044 --> 00:03:55,384 And you're going to remember to introduce me to other people from that experience. 41 00:03:55,384 --> 00:03:58,604 Even if you don't remember exactly what happened, you're going to remember that 42 00:03:58,604 --> 00:04:00,084 feeling and go, you know what? 43 00:04:00,084 --> 00:04:02,064 You got to meet this guy, Ben, right? 44 00:04:02,064 --> 00:04:04,584 Because he left me with such a warm feeling. 45 00:04:04,584 --> 00:04:06,708 and such a wonderful experience. 46 00:04:11,297 --> 00:04:26,376 Can you give too much? 47 00:04:26,376 --> 00:04:30,576 I think you can give too much sometimes in two respects. 48 00:04:30,576 --> 00:04:35,376 One is that if you keep giving without asking for something in return, people are 49 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:38,276 just going to keep assuming that you're just going to give. 50 00:04:38,276 --> 00:04:43,256 And then when you do ask for something in return, then they put up a wall or some 51 00:04:43,256 --> 00:04:47,762 resistance because now you're not acting like you normally act. 52 00:04:52,777 --> 00:05:15,493 really you want a relationship to be reciprocal. 53 00:05:15,493 --> 00:05:18,213 And if they don't want to give after you've given, then maybe that's it. 54 00:05:18,213 --> 00:05:21,513 Would you say that's an indication that maybe you want to discontinue the 55 00:05:21,513 --> 00:05:22,533 relationship? 56 00:05:22,888 --> 00:05:24,628 That certainly can be. 57 00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:30,588 I mean, I think it's worth an exploration of why they don't want to give in return. 58 00:05:30,588 --> 00:05:33,288 I mean, maybe there's something you don't understand. 59 00:05:33,328 --> 00:05:37,728 Don't make an assumption, but also take the information. 60 00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:40,888 And if you need to walk away, then walk away. 61 00:05:40,888 --> 00:05:42,468 There's nothing wrong with that. 62 00:05:48,293 --> 00:05:49,923 There's actually a book that talks about this. 63 00:05:49,923 --> 00:05:54,153 So everything that Ben is saying is actually hugely backed by science. 64 00:05:54,153 --> 00:05:58,893 And the book and the researcher that talks about this is obviously Givers and Takers 65 00:05:58,893 --> 00:06:07,173 and the author and researcher and professor's name is, Adam Grant. 66 00:06:07,173 --> 00:06:07,673 Okay. 67 00:06:07,673 --> 00:06:23,229 So definitely, you know, the audience should go and look up Adam 68 00:06:23,229 --> 00:06:27,789 And this is really the science and what Adam talks about is this whole idea of 69 00:06:27,789 --> 00:06:31,769 givers, takers, and then what Ben and I have been discussing is this concept of 70 00:06:31,769 --> 00:06:35,769 otherly givers, where it's sure you're a giver, but you need to build this 71 00:06:35,769 --> 00:06:38,819 reciprocal relationship, which is really important. 72 00:06:38,819 --> 00:06:48,141 So I really appreciate that, Ben. 73 00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:53,901 Ben, you wrote a book, and I gotta tell you, when I saw the title, I was like, I 74 00:06:53,901 --> 00:06:54,991 have to talk to this guy. 75 00:06:54,991 --> 00:06:56,381 This is amazing. 76 00:06:56,381 --> 00:07:13,865 So it's called Influence with a Heart. 77 00:07:13,865 --> 00:07:16,865 How do you describe the book and how people receive it? 78 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:22,868 I've actually written four books and I'll try to collapse it all into one, right? 79 00:07:22,868 --> 00:07:29,048 Obviously I'm all about service and doing things from the heart as much as possible, 80 00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:29,368 right? 81 00:07:29,368 --> 00:07:34,588 Allowing our heads to be in service of our heart rather than our hearts being in 82 00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:36,088 service of our head, right? 83 00:07:36,088 --> 00:07:42,348 Because our hearts are where our intuition is and connecting to and from and with 84 00:07:42,348 --> 00:07:43,932 people from the heart. 85 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,860 makes for better outcomes. 86 00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:50,020 I mean, you need the head in the mix, but if you don't have the heart, you don't got 87 00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:50,940 nothing. 88 00:07:58,997 --> 00:08:28,488 what is the absolutely worst example of somebody just completely messing this up? 89 00:08:28,488 --> 00:08:33,948 Yeah, So I think a big one is just that image, that example of the sleazy used car 90 00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:36,368 salesman, right? 91 00:08:36,368 --> 00:08:42,508 That guy who's just trying to get you to buy the thing and trying to persuade you, 92 00:08:42,508 --> 00:08:48,448 not influence you, but persuade you and manipulate you and play upon your fears 93 00:08:48,448 --> 00:08:56,308 and do all sorts of things and use tactics to have you say yes rather than actually 94 00:08:56,308 --> 00:08:57,544 inviting you. 95 00:08:57,544 --> 00:09:04,044 to say yes and rather than being an ally in helping you make an educated decision. 96 00:09:05,541 --> 00:09:10,591 Yeah, you know, I was talking to a customer the other day and he asked me, 97 00:09:10,591 --> 00:09:12,861 well, how much time do I have to decide? 98 00:09:13,061 --> 00:09:19,161 I was confused because I was like, well, well, I don't understand the question. 99 00:09:19,161 --> 00:09:25,541 And then he said to me, I was talking to another company and they said that I have 100 00:09:25,541 --> 00:09:32,201 basically 48 hours to decide or I need to wait two months or three months before I 101 00:09:32,201 --> 00:09:33,429 can reapply. 102 00:09:34,597 --> 00:09:39,317 Now, he is out of a job, so he needs help, right? 103 00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:46,237 And they created a pressure pot for him, basically exacerbating his misery of being 104 00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:49,817 under the stress of finding a job and saying, we'll help you, but you have to 105 00:09:49,817 --> 00:09:51,057 decide right away. 106 00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:53,397 And that's exactly the threat. 107 00:09:53,397 --> 00:09:57,557 You were talking about these threats or this negative scare tactics is really what 108 00:09:57,557 --> 00:10:01,177 they are, using scare tactics to influence. 109 00:10:01,177 --> 00:10:03,397 So my comment to him was, 110 00:10:03,397 --> 00:10:08,537 If people are using scare tactics to force you to make a decision, maybe that's a red 111 00:10:08,537 --> 00:10:09,377 flag. 112 00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:13,320 Would you agree? 113 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,780 I would totally agree with that. 114 00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:18,660 Yeah, the in this day and age, there's no need. 115 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:24,100 There was never any need to do any of that, but it became a lot of the behavior 116 00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:27,120 that a lot of people participated in. 117 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,640 And that seemed to be the way to do things. 118 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,540 And that's what people learned and people taught each other. 119 00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:35,120 And we don't need to do that anymore. 120 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,540 There's no need to be in competition, right? 121 00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:42,060 Cooperation really is the only way to go moving forward. 122 00:10:56,129 --> 00:10:57,689 negativity bias. 123 00:10:57,689 --> 00:11:01,629 What negativity bias is for the audience, I'm gonna share this. 124 00:11:01,629 --> 00:11:05,669 And, you know, the easiest way to explain it is if it bleeds, it leads. 125 00:11:05,669 --> 00:11:08,293 And that's the thing that comes from, you know, media. 126 00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:12,333 and news media and what they say is like, if it's gory and negative and you know, 127 00:11:12,333 --> 00:11:15,233 there's bleeding or blood, then it leads, right? 128 00:11:15,233 --> 00:11:16,733 Because it's going to catch on. 129 00:11:16,733 --> 00:11:21,613 And the psychology behind that is that, people pay more attention to the bad 130 00:11:21,613 --> 00:11:22,573 stuff. 131 00:11:23,753 --> 00:11:29,253 So I wanted to give you a little bit of a hardball here and say, but hold on. 132 00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:34,953 We know the research shows that negativity is more salient, means that it gets more 133 00:11:34,953 --> 00:11:36,805 attraction, OK? 134 00:11:36,805 --> 00:11:39,385 I wrote a post saying, the CEO, this is real. 135 00:11:39,385 --> 00:11:43,205 I wrote a post saying the CEO of some company should be fired. 136 00:11:44,065 --> 00:11:45,725 It went viral. 137 00:11:46,125 --> 00:11:52,045 I write a post about how Rotary and Highlands Ranch does a great project 138 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,595 building a library in Costa Rica. 139 00:11:53,595 --> 00:11:54,865 It gets 10 views. 140 00:11:56,305 --> 00:12:02,365 So we want to do good, but we know that people care about it for bleeds at Leeds. 141 00:12:02,365 --> 00:12:05,995 How do we consolidate these two thoughts in our minds? 142 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,444 there's several aspects to that. 143 00:12:09,444 --> 00:12:14,644 One is that we have to try and practice and it's not going to be solved overnight. 144 00:12:14,644 --> 00:12:21,504 The other one is to honor that aspect of bleeding and leading in that we have the 145 00:12:21,504 --> 00:12:23,724 negative negativity bias, right? 146 00:12:23,724 --> 00:12:29,384 We have survival instinct and sometimes we need to speak the hard truth, the painful 147 00:12:29,384 --> 00:12:34,144 truth and give voice to that from a place of integrity to show somebody we get where 148 00:12:34,144 --> 00:12:35,380 they're at. 149 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:35,920 Right. 150 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:39,900 And then when they start paying attention, start listening, start reading, then we 151 00:12:39,900 --> 00:12:44,600 can go, yeah, we know you're in this ugly, difficult kind of place, but there you 152 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:45,840 don't have to stay there. 153 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,026 Let's show you what's possible. 154 00:13:11,411 --> 00:13:13,821 I see this guy on LinkedIn say, it's a great month. 155 00:13:13,821 --> 00:13:14,381 It was December. 156 00:13:14,381 --> 00:13:15,921 Great month to find a job. 157 00:13:16,221 --> 00:13:17,509 No, it's not. 158 00:13:17,509 --> 00:13:22,359 So I ran an R script, I wrote some software that, you know, it was 20 lines, 159 00:13:22,359 --> 00:13:27,089 but it took 20 years of Bureau of Labor's statistic data that showed that November, 160 00:13:27,089 --> 00:13:32,889 December are the worst months out of 20 years out of like 16, 17 years. 161 00:13:32,889 --> 00:13:34,329 Worst month ever. 162 00:13:34,329 --> 00:13:37,489 Not a month, the top five, the worst month. 163 00:13:37,489 --> 00:13:40,209 And I'm like, no, what you're saying is wrong. 164 00:13:40,209 --> 00:13:42,949 And I now don't believe anything you say. 165 00:13:43,685 --> 00:13:46,445 So important what you're saying, right? 166 00:13:46,445 --> 00:13:49,725 And it connects back to your main theme of authority, right? 167 00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:54,025 If you're speaking from the heart, if you said integrity, if you're saying what 168 00:13:54,025 --> 00:13:57,305 you're doing, doing what you're saying, if you're speaking your truth and you're 169 00:13:57,305 --> 00:13:59,644 being kind in the process, right? 170 00:13:59,644 --> 00:14:04,965 Maybe you'll get a few less views, but you're building a brand and an authority 171 00:14:04,965 --> 00:14:06,845 and that's lasting. 172 00:14:07,865 --> 00:14:10,501 So that's absolutely wonderful. 173 00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:12,101 Tell me about how this goes very well. 174 00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:28,839 So what are the examples of people who do this? 175 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:34,320 talking to your ideal clients about their challenges and goals and dreams and using 176 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:38,780 their language is one of the most powerful things that you can do. 177 00:14:38,900 --> 00:14:39,260 Right? 178 00:14:39,260 --> 00:14:44,200 Honoring their experience with the words that they're using is a complete game 179 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:44,410 changer. 180 00:14:44,410 --> 00:14:46,600 And this is something I teach my authors. 181 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:47,070 Right? 182 00:14:47,070 --> 00:14:52,980 Speak to people in their language and they will assume that you either have the 183 00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:55,902 answer or can help them get to the answer. 184 00:14:56,933 --> 00:15:01,673 You know this obviously, but politicians are the masters of this. 185 00:15:01,673 --> 00:15:06,213 So when they're doing their road trips, based on where they are in the States, 186 00:15:06,213 --> 00:15:09,533 they'll suddenly, they'll pull out the y 'all, right? 187 00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:15,953 Suddenly they'll have all these local expressions that they just, you didn't say 188 00:15:15,953 --> 00:15:19,413 that when you were in Florida, or California, sorry. 189 00:15:19,433 --> 00:15:55,269 Where'd the y 'all come out of? 190 00:15:55,269 --> 00:16:00,729 What are more methods of personalization that our audience can tell better stories 191 00:16:00,729 --> 00:16:02,029 and from the heart? 192 00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:03,269 What can they do? 193 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,100 So use people's names. 194 00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:07,980 Very, very important. 195 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,400 People love to hear their names. 196 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,640 Ask people questions. 197 00:16:13,260 --> 00:16:19,020 Sometimes I'll talk about empathy and people get hung up of like, well, how do I 198 00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:21,010 use empathy and how do I integrate empathy? 199 00:16:21,010 --> 00:16:22,820 And I'm saying it's really easy. 200 00:16:22,820 --> 00:16:26,040 Tell people your story and ask people to tell them your story. 201 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:29,637 And you go right to empathy in both directions. 202 00:16:29,637 --> 00:16:30,577 That's right. 203 00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:31,897 That's right. 204 00:16:31,897 --> 00:16:35,217 All you need to do is open your ears and listen, right? 205 00:16:46,177 --> 00:16:51,197 So you've had an amazing journey, Ben. 206 00:16:51,277 --> 00:17:44,164 And it's a somewhat unexpected journey, 207 00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:50,244 I used to do all sorts of drugs and party, party, party, and probably a good decade 208 00:17:50,244 --> 00:17:50,924 and a half. 209 00:17:50,924 --> 00:17:55,234 And I found my way to rock bottom, my version of rock bottom. 210 00:17:55,234 --> 00:17:59,734 And I remember stepping out of my workplace, looking at the sky and saying, 211 00:17:59,734 --> 00:18:01,344 I just want to be free. 212 00:18:01,344 --> 00:18:03,154 And something clicked in my head. 213 00:18:03,154 --> 00:18:05,404 I had been to India one time before. 214 00:18:05,404 --> 00:18:08,448 And I was like, I know I'll go back to India. 215 00:18:08,616 --> 00:18:15,036 Right, so I went back to India and had this very interesting experience of hiking 216 00:18:15,036 --> 00:18:19,316 through the Himalayas for nine days with blisters on my feet. 217 00:18:19,316 --> 00:18:24,616 Right, there's a whole backstory to that, but the big two big insights were one, all 218 00:18:24,616 --> 00:18:28,556 of that pain kept me in the present moment for five days straight. 219 00:18:28,556 --> 00:18:31,166 And suddenly I went, crap, the present moment. 220 00:18:31,166 --> 00:18:32,736 This is what they're talking about. 221 00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:36,296 This is why this is so powerful and impactful. 222 00:18:36,328 --> 00:18:40,168 And the other big thing I discovered was the difference between pain and suffering, 223 00:18:40,168 --> 00:18:40,508 right? 224 00:18:40,508 --> 00:18:44,428 Pain is part of our experience, but suffering is the stuff we add, the 225 00:18:44,428 --> 00:18:49,068 optional story, all that other, just throwing it out of whack. 226 00:18:49,068 --> 00:18:53,888 So those two foundational bits, plus discovering meditation while I was in 227 00:18:53,888 --> 00:18:56,458 India, really helped me turn my life around. 228 00:18:56,458 --> 00:19:01,288 And I integrate everything that I just said into my book writing processes now. 229 00:19:19,321 --> 00:19:20,611 OK, that sounds stupid. 230 00:19:20,611 --> 00:19:21,281 I'm in pain. 231 00:19:21,281 --> 00:19:22,824 How am I not suffering? 232 00:19:22,824 --> 00:19:23,804 Right. 233 00:19:23,804 --> 00:19:24,744 Great question. 234 00:19:24,744 --> 00:19:26,214 So I'll just I'll give you my example. 235 00:19:26,214 --> 00:19:30,964 So I'm hiking through the Himalayas with blisters on my Achilles tendons and hiking 236 00:19:30,964 --> 00:19:32,974 for six or eight hours a day. 237 00:19:32,974 --> 00:19:33,264 Right. 238 00:19:33,264 --> 00:19:35,204 And ow, ow, ow, ow. 239 00:19:35,204 --> 00:19:36,684 And it hurts. 240 00:19:36,684 --> 00:19:41,564 And for the first five days, I'm really mad at myself because I didn't go to India 241 00:19:41,564 --> 00:19:42,514 with new boots. 242 00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:43,074 Right. 243 00:19:43,074 --> 00:19:44,564 So I'm like, you're such an idiot. 244 00:19:44,564 --> 00:19:49,644 And, you know, no wonder you were like on drugs and you're such a fool. 245 00:19:49,644 --> 00:19:51,144 And what a what an ass. 246 00:19:51,144 --> 00:19:51,832 And 247 00:19:51,993 --> 00:19:52,506 Yeah. 248 00:19:52,506 --> 00:19:53,206 all that stuff. 249 00:19:53,206 --> 00:19:56,876 And then day five or six, I look at the mountains around me. 250 00:19:56,876 --> 00:19:58,286 I'm like, my God, everything's so beautiful. 251 00:19:58,286 --> 00:20:01,076 And I'm still my feet hurt, but everything's so beautiful. 252 00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:02,696 I'm like, what's the difference? 253 00:20:02,696 --> 00:20:03,076 Right. 254 00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:07,895 And some of it was the present moment, but some of it was that distinction where I 255 00:20:07,895 --> 00:20:11,116 wasn't giving myself a hard time for the pain. 256 00:20:11,116 --> 00:20:11,336 Right. 257 00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:18,016 I was letting the pain be over there and putting my attention and experience in 258 00:20:18,016 --> 00:20:21,573 front of me into this magnificent beauty around me. 259 00:20:21,573 --> 00:20:22,953 Okay. 260 00:20:23,493 --> 00:20:27,513 But it's not only about hiking in the Himalayas. 261 00:20:27,513 --> 00:20:31,011 There are people that are not in pain and they're suffering. 262 00:20:31,176 --> 00:20:35,477 Yes, that's a great point too. 263 00:20:35,477 --> 00:20:37,765 - you're not in pain, why are you suffering? 264 00:20:38,872 --> 00:20:39,692 Right. 265 00:20:39,692 --> 00:20:40,592 Right. 266 00:20:40,732 --> 00:20:44,912 Because many reasons, depending on who the person is, right. 267 00:20:44,912 --> 00:20:47,482 Being stuck in the past, right. 268 00:20:47,482 --> 00:20:50,572 Regretting the past, worrying about the future. 269 00:20:50,912 --> 00:20:51,292 Right. 270 00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:56,792 Having anxiety about something, replaying a situation in your head. 271 00:20:56,792 --> 00:20:57,792 I should have said that. 272 00:20:57,792 --> 00:20:59,372 I shouldn't have said that. 273 00:20:59,372 --> 00:21:00,772 How could he do that to me? 274 00:21:00,772 --> 00:21:02,102 How could she do that to me? 275 00:21:02,102 --> 00:21:03,092 To me. 276 00:21:03,092 --> 00:21:03,372 Right. 277 00:21:03,372 --> 00:21:05,892 How did they do that to me? 278 00:21:05,892 --> 00:21:06,362 Right. 279 00:21:06,362 --> 00:21:07,941 Taking things personally. 280 00:21:07,941 --> 00:21:09,221 Yes. 281 00:21:09,721 --> 00:21:11,961 Yes, I call that victimism. 282 00:21:12,041 --> 00:21:12,741 Yeah. 283 00:21:13,061 --> 00:21:17,041 That I got to tell you, that's the hugest pet peeve. 284 00:21:17,441 --> 00:21:24,201 Honestly, when people behave like that, I it's very hard for me to not call them out 285 00:21:24,201 --> 00:21:26,241 and say, look, you are not a victim. 286 00:21:26,241 --> 00:21:28,131 OK, you control your life. 287 00:21:28,131 --> 00:21:29,781 You control your destiny. 288 00:21:29,781 --> 00:21:33,541 You might be in pain, but, you know, as you say, like, it's your choice that 289 00:21:33,541 --> 00:21:34,763 you're suffering. 290 00:21:34,789 --> 00:21:38,569 And in fact, the way I don't use your words, but my word is, is this is a 291 00:21:38,569 --> 00:21:40,049 Pygmalion effect, right? 292 00:21:40,049 --> 00:21:43,469 You are bringing upon yourself the suffering and you are bringing on yourself 293 00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:48,709 more suffering because you're making the self -fulfilling prophecy through, you 294 00:21:48,709 --> 00:21:50,729 know, your, your state of mind, et cetera. 295 00:21:50,729 --> 00:21:54,329 So that's such, I appreciate you mentioning that because that's such a, 296 00:21:54,329 --> 00:21:55,399 such a strong thing. 297 00:21:55,399 --> 00:21:59,669 I feel like people who are able to, and whatever the tactic and tool is, if it's 298 00:21:59,669 --> 00:22:03,717 meditation or there's many ways to, I think, achieve the state of 299 00:22:03,717 --> 00:22:07,497 being present and there's mindfulness and all, you know, there's a million ways to 300 00:22:07,497 --> 00:22:07,817 do this. 301 00:22:07,817 --> 00:22:12,937 But I think once you, you know, you use the right tool that's right for you and 302 00:22:12,937 --> 00:22:17,037 you reach the state of actually I am in control, right? 303 00:22:17,037 --> 00:22:18,537 I'm not a victim. 304 00:22:18,537 --> 00:22:21,327 It just completely changes perspective. 305 00:22:21,327 --> 00:22:24,277 And that's such a powerful thing. 306 00:22:25,377 --> 00:22:34,077 So, so you come back, you have this moment of let's call it enlightenment, right? 307 00:22:34,309 --> 00:22:39,709 And you figure out that a perspective has changed in your mind. 308 00:22:40,829 --> 00:22:45,849 And I'll just send the audience to learn about how a perspective can be worth 80 IQ 309 00:22:45,849 --> 00:22:46,349 points. 310 00:22:46,349 --> 00:22:47,989 That's a real thing. 311 00:22:47,989 --> 00:22:49,719 It's called Blue Eye, Brian Eyes. 312 00:22:49,719 --> 00:22:50,829 Go research it. 313 00:22:50,829 --> 00:22:54,549 It's a teacher that did something with racism and children. 314 00:22:54,549 --> 00:22:57,099 It was hugely criticized, but really great story. 315 00:22:57,099 --> 00:22:58,609 Go look it up. 316 00:22:58,709 --> 00:23:01,209 So a perspective changed in your mind. 317 00:23:01,209 --> 00:23:04,357 And then you came back to just 318 00:23:04,357 --> 00:23:06,357 life, right? 319 00:23:06,357 --> 00:23:07,327 What happened then? 320 00:23:07,327 --> 00:23:12,457 How did that transition into normal life? 321 00:23:13,896 --> 00:23:14,936 Yeah, thank you. 322 00:23:14,936 --> 00:23:20,436 So normal life wasn't quite normal anymore, which was good, right? 323 00:23:20,436 --> 00:23:25,576 Because it helped me understand that there's more going on all the time, so 324 00:23:25,576 --> 00:23:28,576 much more than we can possibly even conceive of. 325 00:23:28,576 --> 00:23:33,976 And for me, that understanding I found really empowering because even though I 326 00:23:33,976 --> 00:23:38,416 don't really have a clue what the heck's going on around me, I don't have to worry 327 00:23:38,416 --> 00:23:40,216 about it so much, right? 328 00:23:40,216 --> 00:23:42,504 I just remind myself to... 329 00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:46,664 sit back and watch as much as I can and not get personally involved. 330 00:23:46,664 --> 00:23:48,604 And this takes practice, right? 331 00:23:48,604 --> 00:23:50,444 It still takes practice. 332 00:23:50,444 --> 00:23:57,924 But stepping out of trying to control something, trying to make something happen 333 00:23:57,924 --> 00:24:01,584 or not make something happen, I don't really do that anymore. 334 00:24:01,584 --> 00:24:05,378 And that has really changed my life and changed my business. 335 00:24:05,509 --> 00:24:08,549 Isn't that ridiculous that you gain more control by relinquishing control? 336 00:24:08,549 --> 00:24:10,689 That's so counterintuitive. 337 00:24:11,769 --> 00:24:14,599 So this is amazing. 338 00:24:14,599 --> 00:24:19,589 And then this experience really, you pivoted in your whole life due to this 339 00:24:19,589 --> 00:24:20,529 experience. 340 00:24:20,529 --> 00:24:24,849 And I wish everybody could just gain what you gained, which is really self 341 00:24:24,849 --> 00:24:25,329 -awareness. 342 00:24:25,329 --> 00:24:30,609 It's such a powerful tool for growth, really, is what it is. 343 00:24:32,773 --> 00:24:39,053 You became, and probably didn't start at that moment, but you're now a book coach. 344 00:24:39,053 --> 00:24:41,813 You're a strategist and publisher advisor. 345 00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:46,893 You help people establish really reputation and authority. 346 00:24:46,893 --> 00:24:50,513 Tell us more about what you're doing today and how you help. 347 00:24:51,528 --> 00:24:52,628 Yeah, thank you. 348 00:24:52,628 --> 00:24:55,548 So I help folks write books. 349 00:24:55,548 --> 00:25:00,388 And if they do what I say, they can have a first draft done in about five weeks 350 00:25:00,388 --> 00:25:03,688 because I do some really optimized processes. 351 00:25:03,688 --> 00:25:05,100 I'm the first one. 352 00:25:06,085 --> 00:25:09,405 Anybody who knows anything about book writing knows that five weeks is 353 00:25:09,405 --> 00:25:11,505 ridiculously short. 354 00:25:12,185 --> 00:25:15,425 How the hell do you get a first draft in five weeks? 355 00:25:15,425 --> 00:25:16,985 That makes no sense to me. 356 00:25:16,985 --> 00:25:18,795 Gotta share your secrets with us, Ben. 357 00:25:18,795 --> 00:25:21,627 This is not gonna let you off the hook here. 358 00:25:21,672 --> 00:25:23,052 Absolutely my pleasure, my pleasure. 359 00:25:23,052 --> 00:25:27,712 So first and foremost, to repeat the theme, talking to one's ideal clients 360 00:25:27,712 --> 00:25:32,412 about the book you're writing as you're writing it, to understand the lens for the 361 00:25:32,412 --> 00:25:37,911 book, the language for the book really helps you orient what to include, what not 362 00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:39,852 to include, what stories to include. 363 00:25:39,852 --> 00:25:43,132 So that's a huge time saver right there. 364 00:25:43,132 --> 00:25:45,872 Number two is to use a book outline. 365 00:25:45,872 --> 00:25:48,360 I give all my authors an actual outline. 366 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:49,910 Put the stuff in the places. 367 00:25:49,910 --> 00:25:51,740 Don't think about the logistics. 368 00:25:51,740 --> 00:25:53,800 Put the things in the right places. 369 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:59,560 I'm also a big fan of dictation as part of the process, because when you dictate, you 370 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:04,729 can speak about 600 words in four minutes, right? 371 00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:10,440 And 600 words is 2 and 1 half percent of a 25 ,000 word book. 372 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:11,860 Yeah. 373 00:26:11,860 --> 00:26:13,704 So very, very quickly. 374 00:26:13,704 --> 00:26:15,084 you can get to that goal. 375 00:26:15,084 --> 00:26:20,024 And the other great thing about dictation, which I'm such a fan of, is that when you 376 00:26:20,024 --> 00:26:21,694 speak, you're using your authentic voice. 377 00:26:21,694 --> 00:26:23,174 You're not thinking about the words. 378 00:26:23,174 --> 00:26:25,113 You're not thinking about the punctuation. 379 00:26:25,113 --> 00:26:26,253 not second guessing. 380 00:26:26,253 --> 00:26:31,733 I love this is I look, I don't think people are appreciating what you're saying 381 00:26:31,733 --> 00:26:32,033 here. 382 00:26:32,033 --> 00:26:37,243 But when we think about authors working, they went to some cabin in the woods, 383 00:26:37,243 --> 00:26:40,683 they've got a typewriter for some reason, I don't know why. 384 00:26:40,683 --> 00:26:43,593 And they're they're they're agonizing themselves. 385 00:26:43,593 --> 00:26:45,533 And then they have writer's block for months. 386 00:26:45,533 --> 00:26:49,693 And then they're doing God knows what to overcome writers block everything but 387 00:26:49,693 --> 00:26:50,309 right. 388 00:26:50,309 --> 00:26:53,409 And we kind of see this as a very difficult process. 389 00:26:53,409 --> 00:26:57,149 And yet you're giving these, honestly, I've never heard anything like this that 390 00:26:57,149 --> 00:26:57,749 Ben has mentioned. 391 00:26:57,749 --> 00:26:59,529 To me, this is all new. 392 00:27:00,149 --> 00:27:03,209 This is borderline genius, right? 393 00:27:03,409 --> 00:27:05,189 You're saying, just be authentic. 394 00:27:05,189 --> 00:27:07,069 As you say, lead with your heart. 395 00:27:07,069 --> 00:27:09,389 Just say your truth. 396 00:27:09,389 --> 00:27:10,109 And just say it. 397 00:27:10,109 --> 00:27:14,069 Don't write it so you're not using the logical filters to stop yourself. 398 00:27:14,069 --> 00:27:15,379 And then have an outline. 399 00:27:15,379 --> 00:27:16,479 Know where you're coming from. 400 00:27:16,479 --> 00:27:17,785 Know where you're going. 401 00:27:17,797 --> 00:27:20,127 Ben, I got to tell you, this is brilliant. 402 00:27:20,127 --> 00:27:21,837 I love it. 403 00:27:21,837 --> 00:27:23,917 So OK, so you know what? 404 00:27:23,917 --> 00:27:24,747 Now I believe you. 405 00:27:24,747 --> 00:27:25,797 I believe you. 406 00:27:25,857 --> 00:27:28,717 Everything you've said so far, this is an accelerator. 407 00:27:28,717 --> 00:27:29,597 This is great. 408 00:27:29,597 --> 00:27:32,997 So they're getting this first draft within three weeks. 409 00:27:32,997 --> 00:27:34,337 What happens after? 410 00:27:35,368 --> 00:27:36,348 Yeah, thank you. 411 00:27:36,348 --> 00:27:38,238 So we do some editing. 412 00:27:38,238 --> 00:27:40,668 I structurally edit with them. 413 00:27:40,668 --> 00:27:44,788 And I have the understanding of their ideal clients from the research they're 414 00:27:44,788 --> 00:27:45,058 doing. 415 00:27:45,058 --> 00:27:50,428 So I'm looking at their book as an advocate, both for their reader and for 416 00:27:50,428 --> 00:27:51,428 themselves. 417 00:27:51,428 --> 00:27:53,368 So is the book going to work for the reader? 418 00:27:53,368 --> 00:27:55,628 Is the book going to work for the author? 419 00:27:55,628 --> 00:27:56,669 So again, 420 00:27:56,669 --> 00:27:58,669 the book work for the author? 421 00:27:58,888 --> 00:27:59,368 Yep. 422 00:27:59,368 --> 00:28:03,268 So is the book sharing the message that the author wants to share? 423 00:28:03,268 --> 00:28:09,528 And is the book positioning the author as an expert, an authority, a thought leader? 424 00:28:09,528 --> 00:28:16,788 And is the book opening the door for that person to say yes, to take a next step, to 425 00:28:16,788 --> 00:28:21,288 get on the email list, to join them on LinkedIn, to book a call, whatever that 426 00:28:21,288 --> 00:28:22,373 case may be? 427 00:28:22,373 --> 00:28:23,513 Amazing. 428 00:28:23,653 --> 00:28:25,113 That's so important. 429 00:28:25,113 --> 00:28:30,873 So you're giving value to the audience, but at the end of the day, this is not 100 430 00:28:30,873 --> 00:28:32,013 % selfless. 431 00:28:32,013 --> 00:28:34,973 There's a give and get here. 432 00:28:34,973 --> 00:28:38,213 And then you're establishing reputation through sharing your truth. 433 00:28:38,213 --> 00:28:39,033 I love that. 434 00:28:39,033 --> 00:28:43,873 And then you're helping really with the icky stuff, which is all the editing and 435 00:28:43,873 --> 00:28:47,141 holding the hand and the stuff that people don't. 436 00:28:47,141 --> 00:28:50,201 You don't necessarily want to be an expert in book publishing in order to publish 437 00:28:50,201 --> 00:28:50,951 your book, right? 438 00:28:50,951 --> 00:28:52,424 Like that's that's why. 439 00:28:52,424 --> 00:28:53,944 Absolutely not, right? 440 00:28:53,944 --> 00:28:56,174 Don't fix your own toilet. 441 00:28:56,174 --> 00:28:57,984 Don't fix your own electric. 442 00:28:58,004 --> 00:28:59,789 Yeah, don't learn publishing. 443 00:28:59,789 --> 00:29:05,749 you know what I you know I fixed my toilet ones and I was like after I did that I was 444 00:29:05,749 --> 00:29:10,669 like okay I understand why paying you know a plumber makes sense I did my own 445 00:29:10,669 --> 00:29:14,949 plumbing in the front yard I did new piping for water and I was like I was at 446 00:29:14,949 --> 00:29:18,809 Home Depot 20 times that night and I worked until after midnight and I was like 447 00:29:18,809 --> 00:29:24,289 okay I have a deep sense of appreciation to the professionals doing this work deep 448 00:29:24,289 --> 00:29:26,349 deep sense of appreciation 449 00:29:26,597 --> 00:29:30,237 You know, I wouldn't I don't regret having that experience because I deeply value 450 00:29:30,237 --> 00:29:32,777 that appreciation that I now have. 451 00:29:34,817 --> 00:29:38,417 Like if you could like it's one thing to learn from your own mistakes, right? 452 00:29:38,417 --> 00:29:39,857 If you're dumb like I am. 453 00:29:39,857 --> 00:29:43,016 But if you're really smart, you'll learn from other people's mistakes. 454 00:29:43,016 --> 00:29:44,237 That's the secret. 455 00:29:44,237 --> 00:29:45,437 So learn from my mistakes. 456 00:29:45,437 --> 00:29:46,417 Don't be dumb like me. 457 00:29:46,417 --> 00:29:48,737 I need to make my own mistakes to learn from them. 458 00:29:48,737 --> 00:29:49,317 Be smart. 459 00:29:49,317 --> 00:29:50,657 Learn from my mistakes. 460 00:29:50,657 --> 00:29:53,317 You know, as Ben's saying, don't do your own plumbing. 461 00:29:54,533 --> 00:29:56,623 But no, that's half a joke, half true. 462 00:29:56,623 --> 00:30:00,293 But I think the beautiful thing about having your own experiences is that you do 463 00:30:00,293 --> 00:30:01,633 gain deeper insights. 464 00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:05,093 But then it's a question of where do you want to spend your valuable time to gain 465 00:30:05,093 --> 00:30:06,153 those deeper insights? 466 00:30:06,153 --> 00:30:10,983 And I would argue it's not in learning the intricate seas of the publishing world, 467 00:30:10,983 --> 00:30:11,153 right? 468 00:30:11,153 --> 00:30:13,353 That's not where people want to spend their time. 469 00:30:13,973 --> 00:30:14,631 Absolutely. 470 00:30:14,631 --> 00:30:19,511 Absolutely, yeah, there's something like, depending who you talk to, you know, 400 471 00:30:19,511 --> 00:30:23,271 steps, 500 steps to publish a book the right way. 472 00:30:23,971 --> 00:30:26,191 Yeah, don't do that. 473 00:30:26,245 --> 00:30:30,905 Yeah, even if you can go to ChatGPT to tell you the 400 steps, do you really want 474 00:30:30,905 --> 00:30:32,245 to follow them? 475 00:30:32,345 --> 00:30:34,985 And what's your money worth? 476 00:30:34,985 --> 00:30:36,625 What's your time worth? 477 00:30:37,832 --> 00:30:38,272 Exactly. 478 00:30:38,272 --> 00:30:41,432 And even if you know the steps, are you going to actually do them right and do 479 00:30:41,432 --> 00:30:44,392 them in the right combination in the right order? 480 00:30:44,592 --> 00:31:11,333 So many layers. 481 00:31:11,333 --> 00:31:23,173 I want to wrap up and ask, If you had to give one recommendation to our audience 482 00:31:23,173 --> 00:31:31,273 that will help them improve their lives and the lives of the people around them, 483 00:31:31,273 --> 00:31:32,813 what would that be? 484 00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:36,152 Meditate. 485 00:31:36,492 --> 00:31:37,692 Unhesitatingly meditate. 486 00:31:37,692 --> 00:31:39,332 If you're not doing it, meditate. 487 00:31:39,332 --> 00:31:44,452 If you're doing it already, do it more, even just a minute a day. 488 00:31:44,712 --> 00:31:51,332 Awareness of the present moment and cultivating that muscle, practicing that 489 00:31:51,332 --> 00:31:56,822 focus, there is nothing like it in the world, in the universe. 490 00:31:56,822 --> 00:31:58,652 And it will change everything. 491 00:31:58,652 --> 00:32:02,434 And it's just really, really important to do it and not 492 00:32:02,664 --> 00:32:04,624 not have expectations, right? 493 00:32:04,624 --> 00:32:08,864 It's kind of like you don't go to the gym and do some pushups and be like, okay, I'm 494 00:32:08,864 --> 00:32:11,704 looking for my six pack abs today, right? 495 00:32:11,704 --> 00:32:16,504 It's just go do the thing, do the thing, step back, keep relaxing. 496 00:32:16,504 --> 00:32:21,884 I teach my authors to smile when they meditate and lighten their minds, right? 497 00:32:21,884 --> 00:32:27,164 But just meditate, meditate because it will affect positively every single thing 498 00:32:27,164 --> 00:32:29,578 in your entire experience. 499 00:32:29,701 --> 00:32:30,641 That's right. 500 00:32:30,941 --> 00:32:33,071 And I just, I can't help myself. 501 00:32:33,071 --> 00:32:36,341 I have to always show the science behind the things people say. 502 00:32:36,421 --> 00:32:39,241 Your body and your psyche are connected. 503 00:32:39,241 --> 00:32:42,601 So the things that you physically do will affect your state of mind. 504 00:32:42,601 --> 00:32:47,401 So when Ben says smile, that actually has a loopback effect, which is incredibly 505 00:32:47,401 --> 00:32:49,761 powerful and this is scientifically proven. 506 00:32:49,881 --> 00:32:54,301 Ben, what an absolute joy, joy -a? 507 00:32:54,301 --> 00:32:57,421 What an absolutely joy -a to talk to you today. 508 00:32:57,765 --> 00:33:02,065 Sorry, I'm going to get hate in the comments about my puns. 509 00:33:02,065 --> 00:33:02,835 What a pleasure. 510 00:33:02,835 --> 00:33:03,665 What a joy. 511 00:33:03,665 --> 00:33:05,695 Thank you so much for joining us. 512 00:33:05,695 --> 00:33:08,365 And I think we can definitely have you back. 513 00:33:08,365 --> 00:33:10,825 This has been such a great experience. 514 00:33:10,825 --> 00:33:14,705 And for those of the audience who want to reach out to you, because I think this is 515 00:33:14,705 --> 00:33:18,125 something, if you're a thought leader, if you want to become a thought leader, I 516 00:33:18,125 --> 00:33:20,205 think this is such a great opportunity. 517 00:33:20,565 --> 00:33:22,785 If you do it with Ben or anybody else, whatever. 518 00:33:22,785 --> 00:33:26,125 But let's give the audience how to reach out to you. 519 00:33:26,408 --> 00:33:28,108 Yeah, thank you. 520 00:33:28,388 --> 00:33:30,308 Influencewithaheart .com. 521 00:33:30,308 --> 00:33:32,898 Once again, influencewithaheart .com. 522 00:33:32,898 --> 00:33:34,748 You can see what I'm up to. 523 00:33:34,748 --> 00:33:36,488 You can book a call with me there. 524 00:33:36,488 --> 00:33:37,768 Happy to chat. 525 00:33:37,768 --> 00:33:39,348 No pressure at all, right? 526 00:33:39,348 --> 00:33:40,788 I am your ally in this. 527 00:33:40,788 --> 00:33:43,158 And it's a really good idea to write your book. 528 00:33:43,158 --> 00:33:45,228 Like, that's just true, right? 529 00:33:45,228 --> 00:33:49,548 So it would be my honor and pleasure either to directly support you or point 530 00:33:49,548 --> 00:33:52,808 you in the right direction to help make your dream come true. 531 00:33:53,925 --> 00:33:55,205 Ben, thank you so much. 532 00:33:55,205 --> 00:33:56,657 I appreciate you today. 533 00:33:56,776 --> 00:33:57,436 Thank you. 534 00:33:57,436 --> 00:33:58,570 Appreciate it, Ari.