well hello All You Beautiful
[Music]
People you know what time it
is ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and
everyone in
between gather around get you something
real nice to sip on and comfy to slip
on cuz it's time for smut Club here's
your hosts Chelsea and
[Applause]
[Music]
Hannah Hello everybody and welcome to
Smart club I'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea
and welcome to the show where we uh two
two therapists we're both licensed
lpcs um who enjoy reading trashy romance
novels and day drinking and combining
all of those things yeah and therapizing
characters that will never know they
were being therapized nor they be they
should be though a lot of them need it
medication probably not all the time but
every now and then I have read a book
where I haven't finished it cuz I've
been like go to [ __ ] therapy and I
will close the book and I started a book
okay I made it halfway through the
prologue oh oh the prologue and I was
like I am not in a place to read this
because like it it we were warned like
in the the thing this girl had a lot of
mental health stuff going on and it was
part of her journey she was very clearly
manic like on the streets of New Orleans
and like her best friend is this guy
trying to like get her away from
everybody and like trying and she's like
she was deeply unwell and I was like I
am not in a place to read this I was
like I'm it's like a um a retelling of
the fan of the of the Opera I think okay
and I was like this is going to be super
cool like it's going to be a super cool
book and then I was like
no well there was a book that I started
and the uh body dysmorphia happening in
the book and her relationship with food
and her like disordered
eating it was like triggering yeah where
I was like I and and I don't use the
word triggering lightly where I was like
oh like this is bringing up like my own
[ __ ] with my body in a way like this is
not fun I'm not in a place no yeah I'm
not in a place cuz I was just so I was
like somebody get this girl some lithium
like I was so worried about her I was
like she's getting she's hurt like she's
getting really hurt I can't read this I
was like go I got an email from a former
client that was like one of my favorite
clients and he was like Hey I want to
let you know like I've been on lithium
for the last year I was like crying
reading it was like one of those I'm
like oh my God like yeah one of those
clients that like you desperately knew
might need medication not might you
desperately knew needed medication um
but had had such negative experiences
and was so averse it was like you could
maybe get like one sentence in about
meds every sh it yeah every four
sessions and that was like dipping the
toe in the water yeah oh my gosh just I
love those emails and like when clients
are like just want you to know I'm doing
really good I'm okay yes I'm like oh
yeah in case you're ever wondering your
therapist does wonder how you're doing
afterwards we do think about you guys we
do think about you yeah you might never
hear from us again you might see us
across the grocery store and not really
make eye contact and move forward but we
do think about you we do care yeah we
really do okay but unrelated to any of
that
I'm I didn't even tell Hannah what book
I was outlining until she got to my
house to review today yep um so
today we are reviewing unhinged by Vera
Valentine an erotic door
romance says it right on the front cover
but
see okay what no I just have so many
questions about it well let you know ask
cuz like I feel like I've seen this on
on Tik Tok M but I haven't retained any
of it so I'm like are we falling in love
with the door the door is erotic is it
that like something behind the door is
erotic are we doing something with the
door that's erotic with a partner I
don't know what that would be okay do
you
remember what when you you grew up in
Florida when did you leave Florida uh
2004 okay so you had FCAT standardized
testing 100% And the writing prompt that
they would always give at least in the
State of Florida about the unmarked door
y that was always locked and one time
it's unlocked and you open it and you
have to write the story of what's behind
that door yeah I imagine that was the
problem I'm totally
kidding no whenever I think about that I
think about Alias it always comes back
to Alias when they're like oh well we
gave all these kids a standardized test
to see like who would be a good like spy
I always wondered why did they ask that
question like why what was the purpose
of it I don't
understand I don't know I love Alias so
much but upon rewatch it is deeply
flawed in so many ways it doesn't hold
up it doesn't well God love Jennifer
Garner but like gosh well and Vance has
never watched it really and so I tried
to like here's the thing it doesn't hold
like it doesn't translate and it's like
dated enough in a way that like we
started it and he's like yeah I guess
the show is fine and I like you don't
understand the magic behind it but I'm
watching it and I'm like I don't really
either but I feel the Magic in my soul
cuz I've been watching it for so
long oh God and Jennifer Gardner's a
babe uh 100% every time yeah yeah no
matter what wig she's
wearing and for that one you know the
one the wig budget for that show is
extensive okay so to get into answering
some of your questions yes um the door
is sensient okay so we open this is from
the doors perspective the whole book is
from the doors perspective yeah okay all
right I'm here we uh in the the door is
in love with his tenant
Tanya okay um um he she treats him with
far more care than the previous frat
Bros who lived there and we like slam
him all the time and um direct quote he
loves the care she takes sliding her key
into his lock this is on the first
page the grin you have oh my God okay
well so the funny thing is I have
actually not seen the Tik toks about
this book A friend of mine uh goes oh my
God you've heard about the door book
right I was like the [ __ ] are you
talking about and so she sent it to
me and so I sent her a a photo when I
had just first opened it on my Kindle
and I was like starting now let's see
how it goes and then on the very first
page I sent her another photo and was
like this escalated so quickly right um
yeah cuz it's like very sensual talk
about like feeling her like pressed
against him when she's looking through
his
peephole heyo yeah yeah and like he said
one time she pressed against him and he
got so excited he flipped his dead
bolt FL
his uh-huh okay uh-huh everything's
fine I'm just going to have more wine we
are back on that that Bowa box [ __ ]
we are and while we are not sponsored by
bod box it'd be a lot cooler if we were
especially for books of this capacity
yeah and you know I almost feel that I
should apologize because I used the word
unhinged in the last review that I did
and I I I think I used it wrong I I
think I used it
wrong you did
yeah and and
you'll okay so the door is also aware of
uh that the property manager the
landlord the super his name is Randall
Randall is real creepy and right before
Tanya moved in uh the door saw Randall
like drag a woman like into the woods
like behind the apart and like came back
like alone so he's like he seems like
Bad News Bears and Randall has also
definitely taken an interest in Tanya
and is like very quick to knock on her
door and make sure everything is okay
and like door is like I'm between
Randall and Tanya the door loves how
much he protects her and like he'll like
talk about like When someone knocks on
him and how he like holds strong in his
frame to not give
in he really takes his job
seriously
okay so the police show up um because
this other woman is missing now and are
asking Tanya if she knows anything or if
she's seen anything
um and the door is putting together he's
like oh like she's dead and the police
are coming up and questioning he's like
this is just like those shows Tanya
watches like those crime shows I he's
like okay so Randall is a bad dude like
that is like yeah can confirm yes the we
in danger does not have a college
education or any formal education if you
will but he's watched enough Law and
Order SVU to put the pieces together
um but like to the point that like after
the police stopped by to ask Tanya
questions like Randall stops by and he
like hey honey like uh I heard like the
police were stopping like did you talk
to them like it's like trying to get
details and Tanya uh like cracks the
door open and the door's like proud of
her cuz he's like yeah like she realizes
it like she's not like making your
vulnerable yeah like it's just like a
little inch that we can see through and
like she's like oh yeah I did I told him
like I didn't know anything and he's
like okay like let me honey let me know
if you need anything I'm like yeah
anytime you're property manager that you
don't know is like calling you honey
feels yeah not great I mean I do so for
me this is something that I've noticed
recently about
myself I say like hun and babe and that
kind of stuff all the time to people
that like co-workers or
whatever it hits different I think
coming from me than it would coming from
a
male property
manager I mean I also think I hope but
like to the point you were making you
have an established relationship with
these people that's a good point yep yep
um I think someone that
like at at most they gave you a tour of
the apartment and and fixed the broken
oven like yeah well well I mean I did it
when I waited tables and didn't really
know people or when I tended bar but
that again feels different but you being
a cute girl in the South working for
tips thank you so much yes that's but I
think that's a dumble standard I can
appreciate you're like look it we will
just own it is a double standard we will
not pretend otherwise yeah Fair all
right so after the police leave um the
door's just resting I don't know it's
the middle of the night who who [ __ ]
knows Tanya has gone to bed um and a man
walks up wearing like robes who looks
very out of
place it's Zeus it's Zeus
has Chelsea
what okay so it's Zeus Zeus is here why
why you calling me out my name talking
about the book
Hannah it's Zeus I'm okay so Zeus shows
up and is like hey
I'm your
[Laughter]
dad door I'm your father what he's like
listen you're made of solid oak from my
Sacred Garden uh the exact quote that I
have down is a lot of things happened in
that Grove and there was this perfectly
positioned knot hole on this really sexy
tree and the Mead was flowing freely you
get the point it's literally the quote
from the book um you know that's
probably the most like um Canon thing
that they could have put in this book is
that Zeus was like listen [ __ ] happened
I [ __ ] a tree I [ __ ] a tree and now
you're half dryed like yeah so you're
welcome but and yeah I am a little sorry
that you're a door uh so to make it up
to you your lady love can set you free
and he's like if she [ __ ] you in door
form she can free you from door form so
straight up when we started this I was
like is this a beauty in the Beast thing
where like if she falls in love with him
he becomes a real boy like is that
what's going to happen and I'm I
am I wouldn't call unhinged Beauty in
the peace relling what if that's the
standard we're going off Pinocchio is
probably more accurate cuz Pinocchio is
made of wood but like we're going to
become a real boy I guess that was like
what I was wondering she's just going to
live in this apartment with this door
who secretly is lusting after her and
she's just going to hump it from time to
time like is that how we're going to
live our lives no judgment but like some
judgment but a little judgment no
judgment All God's Children but also
some judgment just a little bit though
it's like um all of like the
stills of um Dorothy on Golden Girls
where people like who am I to judge also
me yes yes and let's here's the thing of
all of The Golden Girls and we know I'm
a golden girls girl girl yep uh if my
Golden Girls tattoo didn't give it away
uh I I think I always like wanted to be
Sophia me too I'm not well I think you
are Sophia h who do you think you are I
don't know I've always wanted to be
Sophia but I've always wondered if maybe
I'm a little bit
more Dorothy or
occasionally occasionally blanch you
know
Hannah most of your relationships have
been very long-term relationships true I
don't think you're [ __ ] enough to be
blanch and that's not [ __ ] shaming
anyone who does identify with as guess
when I was my very active ho phase I
felt more of a blanch yeah that isir we
can evolve we can evolve but I'm going
to hold on to the fact that you think
I'm Sophia I like that I mean you're
you're tiny I am
tiny like you're tiny s tiny I don't you
I've never seen you with a wicker purse
but
like would not put it past you to have a
wicker basket on a bike that you put
your dog in I would do that yeah yeah
which I don't I don't necessarily feel
like that's a Sophia thing I think I'm
just really processing that you really
are yeah um yeah and you have far too
much common sense to be Rose I do yeah
so I'm like if you're if you're Dorothy
or Sophia yeah I think you're Sophia
thank you yeah so are you Dorothy is
that where you're going
yeah see well that's the thing I
never I always thought like she was like
the tall unattractive op I mean that's
I'm really projecting my own first of
all be was lovely she really was lovely
she was
lovely but I think the jokes about like
she was tall and fassy could never get a
date maybe I was like oh is that the
part I identifi with she said oh no it's
me and now I'm like oh I am be Arthur
but for different reason yes yes yes and
so I think that's why like it took me a
while to embrace that that was my golden
girl yeah um because the things that I
latched on to about her were like the
shitty jokes they would make deprecating
things yeah instead of like all of like
the really smart hilarious things that
she saidh because she was sassy hash
Justice
forb yeah yeah although apparently she
actually like didn't get along with the
rest of the cast which is like why she
got married in the final and they moved
her off and that's why she wasn't on the
Golden Palace when they tried to do the
spinoff I didn't know that it wasn't a
successful that's really sad yeah
I hope it's not fully true but it might
be anyway I'm going to choose to ignore
that right yeah we'll just ignore that
yeah um but yeah so she has to [ __ ] him
Endor form for him to turn into a real
boy and by a real boy I mean a real man
there's no pedophilia in this book thank
you I just needed to be abundantly clear
of all of the places this book goes okay
all right yeah um
so the is it weird that I feel oddly
better that like
where the premise of this is not that
all doors are sensient it's just this
one well and at one point he like is
explaining something she like oh my God
does my bedroom door watch me masturbate
too sort of energy he's like no I'm
solid oak that's press
board because that's the difference you
get it yeah the quality of the wood he's
solid oak from the Sacred Garden that
Zeus
[ __ ] um so now we have a a goal yes we
have a goal we have a mission and uh the
door is able to like infiltrate her
dream and like come to her in her dream
she's having a nightmare she's like
naked in front of the class everyone's
laughing sort of energy and he like
takes off his shirt to put it on her um
and introduces himself and is very proud
of being her door like he's like I've
been her protector I've been her
guardian and like her keeper and so
she's like who are you he's like I am
your door and I love
you just imagine having a dream where
you are having a nightmare that you were
naked in front of your
class and a super hot guy shows up sure
gives you a shirt and when he introduces
himself he says I am your front door and
I love you whatever I ate before going
to bed I would never eat again she
literally says that she's like oh my God
I can't eat those popsicles before bed
anymore
like literally I'd be like okay
so pepperoni for before bed is not for
me like that would be it I'd be like no
can't do that got to lay off the dely
meat before I told you about my banana
nightmares right like that's a banana
nightmare yes that is a banana Nightmare
and you're like well I guess I don't eat
bananas before bed anymore like is what
this girl is thinking and so the door
tells her in the dream like that she's
in danger and that he needs a favor and
she like starts flirting with him cuz
he's super hot and Dre yeah and so when
he's like I need a favor and she's like
what you need me to oil your hinges and
he like blushes a that's cute right I'm
like I didn't expect to find the door as
endearing as I did and I honestly felt
very conflicted as I read this book cuz
I'm really rooting for him well I love
that that means that Vera did a good job
she
really I think going in and just hearing
that like the premise of this book right
we have read and reviewed far more
outlandish [ __ ] far more dare I say
unhinged [ __ ] yeah than unhinged Fair
yes Fair um okay so he uh he blushes
when she offers to oils hinges and then
he says like that they must be together
uh for him to be able to change forms
and protect her he's like yeah like you
are with your vibrating blue
stick cuz he doesn't know what a
vibrator is sure he just knows he
doesn't have any context exactly and
that's when she asks them if all doors
are voyers right and that's when he gets
deeply offended and he says how dare you
madam um I'm not press board I'm your
protector who loves
you I see it on your face you don't want
to find it endearing but you do I don't
you want to be Anno I hate
it I know I know okay all
right no what were you going to say do
you have more questions
no I was thinking
that Matt and I were out to get
something to eat and we're standing in
line and we're like looking at the menu
on the wall or whatever
and out of nowhere so the night before
we had tried something it didn't work
it's fine whatever we did something else
out of
nowhere 24 hours later while we're in a
public space he goes oh my God babe we
need to use a pillow next time like he
turns from the menu and looks at me and
goes babe we need to use a pillow next
time and I wanted so much to be angry
about
it but it was so
cute that I was like okay sweetie and
that's how I feel right now like I want
so much to be mad and hate it but I
don't did you use a pillow next time
yeah was it better yeah I'm glad thank
you way to problem solve
Matt just I'm trying to decide what kind
of burrito I want and babe we need ill
next
time oh in the restaurant was full I was
[Music]
like Matt did not give a [ __ ] that that
rest a single one he was like I've
solved the problem I've been thinking
about this for 24 hours and I finally
got it
incredible um okay so back back in he
tells her once again that she's in
danger right um and that Randall broke
into her place and had like stolen a
pair of underwear a yeah um but that he
can't protect her in door form right I
mean any more than any other door yes
not a crossboard one but an oak one
solid yeah solid o no one's breaking
through that front door right but if
they have a key it's a separate issue
right so then like she's like becoming
open to the idea and it's kind of like
okay like what do you need me to do and
then he can tell she's waking up and
then he like hears her gasp from the
other room as like the dream connection
is severed M um so the next day she goes
out to the store for whatever and uh
Randall sneaks in and uses his master
key and uh has a pill bottle with him
and opens her orange juice and like
dumps a bunch of pills in her orange
juice but the door is back and like he
is a door and so he cannot say like he
can't do anything he's just like
watching this happen right uh
Tanya gets home and has been thinking
about her dream and is like you know
it's crazy
but why not go for it she gets some
disinfectant make sure the knob is clean
she puts a condom over
it to to keep her I don't know what
diseases you think the the
door has for for easier clean up after
yeah probably she she gets some lube she
brings the ottoman over from the living
room so has something to prop herself up
on okay yeah and then she [ __ ] the
knob and has a great
orgasm your fa
what
what he's very excited about this I'm
sure did he flip his dead bull he did
not flip his dead bull can't why does I
don't know but it does make you giggle
every
time but I'm just thinking like that's
so much
preparation that's a lot of intention
yeah yeah she didn't [ __ ] him by
accident which I guess is better than
not well and I'll also I one of the
things that I appreciate is she goes
since you visited me in my nightmare and
asked for this I'm going to take that as
consent like and like says that
like you needed a favor and you said
this is what you needed so I'm I'm like
I love that she was
concerned about her door yeah yeah what
are your thoughts oh well currently I'm
thinking about a documentary I watched
where this woman was in love with the
Berlin
wall that sounds fascinating yeah did
she try and [ __ ] it um I don't know and
what part of it would you choose to [ __ ]
I don't know but like she was in love
with the Berlin wall and eventually like
I think she got a portion of it because
you know the Wall came down so I if I'm
remembering right and it's been years
it's been years but like she had so she
was in love with it when it was still
erect that pun was not intended but it
was a great one um she was just in love
with the wall and then she I think she
got a portion of it and like brought it
home it was
like or
something
yeah but there was no discussion
of how she engaged with it sexually just
that she did so well this one we very
clearly know how she's engaging with it
sexually it's a lot of she of detail and
she had her vibrator in that mix as well
oh yeah so she had a great orgasm and
then like leaves the room and is like
laughing to herself about how ridiculous
it was but then the door is like why is
she laughing does she think this is a
joke like that was that was the best
moment of my life sort of energy from
the door but then the door's like what
happens now and then he starts to feel
himself turn into to human form and to
answer your question there is no door
now she just doesn't have a front door M
thank you yes does he have a name other
than
we will get there and like yeah very
quick very valid question this whole
time he has not had a name okay um what
door like what would it well that's what
I was like is she moaning out door as
she comes because okay all right right
um I think she just like screamed I
don't sure yeah I don't I don't think
she really moaned a specific name in
that moment well I mean now that he's a
human person like right well so she gets
she comes she orgasmed on the door uh
and then went to shower and then when
she comes out of the shower wrapped in
her towel there's this like naked man
standing there who's very attractive and
she's like what the [ __ ] are you doing
get out and he's like I'm your door it's
[Laughter]
me like I feel like she accepts it very
quickly yeah more quickly than I would
probably be able to um
and I just really thought that was so
she's like who the [ __ ] are you he's
like duh obviously I'm your door I'm
your door like did you miss everything I
was telling you I'm trying to
communicate and she's like this is wild
I'm going to make myself a mimosa so she
goes to like start getting supplies but
he's also not used to his body so she
goes to take a sip of the orange juice
and he just like knocks it out of her
hand it's like [ __ ] slaps the orange
juice and she oh right cuz she can't
have the orange juice but she doesn't
know that so she's like the [ __ ] man
like who who are you what is it I [ __ ]
my door and now I can't have orange
juice and he's like no my electricity
bill is going to be through the [ __ ]
roof because I don't have a door you're
letting all the air
out why couldn't you have done this in
early
spring why did you wait so long to make
yourself
known do you not know about
warming oh my God
okay so he [ __ ] slaps the orange juice
out of her hand and then they like leave
it everywhere because it's evidence
they're like we need to call the police
but they're like well before we can call
the police you probably need a new front
door cuz that's going to be hard to
explain right and then they realize that
uh he goes we we found that the app you
can use to order food can also be linked
to the hardware store so they just like
Uber Eats
thems an a door a door from Home
Depot
resourceful yeah so while they're
waiting for the door to be delivered
they get a text that it's going to be an
hour delay they sit down to watch a
movie and as they're cuddled up that's
when uh she asks if he has a name and
then he remembers that uh there was a
celebrity she was talking to a friend
about Idris
Elba and so he uh he decides on dris
instead of Idris so his his name is dris
because she knows he finds Idris Elba
attractive rightly so the
man ain't no slouch he can do no wrong
but
also that's a bold move like what a name
to live up to is part of the
issue you know
touche yeah it's like naming your kid
after a major celebrity and then being
like oh whoops
like like or or like a a saint or
somebody from the Bible that's like a
big deal and like well he didn't turn
out but you
know he didn't turn
out I know we named him after one of the
Minor Prophets from the Old Testament
but this has not panned out how we
hoped he didn't quite live up to his
namesake although In fairness I am named
after one of the mothers of one of those
prophets I don't know that I've lived up
but that's okay in a different
way I was just thinking about you know
what you couldn't even get it no because
I don't know if I've lived up to it and
I was thinking about how most people in
the Bible are Jews and your nose is
really je so like I don't know if I
lived up to it my first thought was I
mean your your nose
has because I have a slightly hebraic
nose that's what we're going with oh my
God
[Music]
and then I was like oh my God Chelsea
don't say that but then I did CU I've
had enough wine that I am because I love
you and know it's a safe space it is a
safe space that was awesome that you
would think it was hilarious and not
offensive that was
awesome oh my God
okay Les we forget when your husband
told a coworker that he started dating
you Hannah
but isn't she Jewish
Jewish why would you think that my
friend
uh you have a great nose thank you it
has personality it does it has a great
personality thank you yes it has the
correct personality for your
face well like that was such a weird
sentence but no like when I look at you
I'm like your nose fits your face so
like
yeah like I've never looked at your face
and like it should have a different nose
and I have thought that about some
people where you're like huh and then
normally you find out like those people
got a botch nose job so that's why
because you're like oh they should have
the nose their face came
with they should have their factory
default nose factory
default go back to is there a reset
button just get the OG nose back
okay so the
door uh the new door not dris the door
right uh the new door gets delivered
while Tanya has fallen asleep on dris
and so he gets up off the couch and like
installs it for her to make sure that
she's safe uh and like the Randall the
property manager texts her and like hey
honey heard you got a large package
delivered need any help I'm great at
moving large packages like winky face
like that level of like ew not subtle
sexual harassment by any stretch like
I'm like bro you
know she takes a screenshot in that text
is evidence like that's not going to go
well for you that's major ick yes um but
also funny because as dris is installing
the new door he's like I chose one that
had uh like a longer handle and
intentionally like steered her away from
the ones that had similar shapes to my
natural knob
cuz he was jealous my natural knob his
natural
knob okay
uh yep his natural knob also dris tells
Tanya that like the property men when
she gets the text he's like oh yeah just
let you know like if he hears your TV on
he'll watch you through your window and
she's like the [ __ ] and he's like I've
been your door couldn't really say
anything right but you might want to
know now yeah yeah yeah yeah Tanya and
dris end up going to the store because
he has no clothes she gave him a pair of
like her ex's sweatpants is the the
energy so she takes them to the store
he's so hot women are crashing their
carts watching him walk through the
store do you remember that photo of
Idris
Elba in the
slacks it went around the internet yes
for a minute and finally he responded
and he was like you guys that is
literally
the the wire from my mic everybody
calmed down I remember the photo I don't
think I ever saw his response yes
incredible like please stop it's the
wire from my mic thank you for giving me
that much credit it's the wire from my
mic yeah he had like taken his mic off
and like tucked it and so it like went
down and looked that's what he said
anyway
was he being truthful or was he just
sick of being sexually harassed who can
say listen probably both probably both
you did what you needed to do Idris so
dris in the book uh he like goes to kiss
Tanya in the store and he's like oh my
gosh like I don't know like she like she
kissed me as a door but like she didn't
consent to this so he like starts to be
like oh my gosh I like shouldn't have
kissed her and then uh much like your
husband in a public setting T just goes
your knob was buried in my [ __ ] hours
ago like I think it's okay for you to
kiss and then like a woman like crashes
the card and she's like that's what you
get for being nosy Stop East
dropping I'm like I don't know if it's
really East dropping if you shout it in
a store yeah if you're saying it loudly
in a public setting I don't think you
can get annoyed with people for being
nosy but maybe that's just me um they
get back to her place oh i' so yeah the
property manager tried to steal
underwear twice okay the first time he
was actually successful the second time
oh it was when he went into drug the
orange juice he went to steal another
pair of underwear but then it fell out
of his pocket so when Tanya got home she
was like oh that's weird yeah yeah um
and for some
reason that comes up now in conversation
but then Tanya's like you know I always
thought there was like every now and
then i' I'd smell this like lingering
smoke smell in my room but just thought
like it was the ventilation or something
so dris is like let me get the cleaning
supplies let me clean your headboard let
me clean like your your bedroom like get
rid of the smell for you um which she's
all about so she starts giving him a
hand
job he there's a praise Kink he's very
that they're very into she's the one
praising him for being a good door she's
like you're such a good door you
protected me so well yeah he's very into
the praise did she wait until after he
was done cleaning to do the handy or
what like while he was cleaning and then
just kind of like distracted him and
stopped him from the rest of the
cleaning by sure giving him a hand job
well she timed that poorly I'm like let
him finish right
literally I'm like the man is doing
house work let him be let him finish and
then let him finish correct you get it
but not at the same time yeah I'd like
to make sure those counters are clean
you know we don't want to miss a spot
there is uh some cuddling and some
pillow talk and then the property
manager starts like banging on the
door and T just goes to open it and
answer it as like dris is kind of like
hey wait like maybe this isn't like the
best idea the property manager is like
clearly under the use of some
substances um and is accusing her of
calling the police because they have are
now like at his place and like
investigating and he's blaming her and
he pulls a gun oh uh and a scuffle
ensues Tanya like dris like goes for the
dude uh Tanya breaks a vase over his
head but it doesn't like knock him out
and then the gun goes off and he shot
dris and dris feels himself like
stiffening back up and like turning back
into a
door and then he just falls on Randall
and as a door as and like loses
Consciousness yeah oh
um months
later
yeah months later dris is starting to
come too uh as he's like feeling Tanya
like put a condom over his knob
again uh and he's like oh this feels
good and he starts to shift back into
being a
human and then like immediately asks if
like he did a good job protecting her
like I'm like oh wow like you have
you've been down for months well he
wouldn't know that necessarily yeah well
and so we find out he's been in evidence
this whole time uh but Tanya was real
upset about how all of this played down
and then Hera came to visit
her and
Hara
uh was I I guess trying to make up for
Zeus's shittiness and give them a chance
and so uh tells T Hara tells Tanya that
dris can remain human moving forward um
but he will change back to a door at the
full
moon and uh so she'll need to [ __ ] him
in door form like on the full moon each
year or each month to get him to keep
him in his human form um but it took
Tanya so long because he had been in
evidence and so she was like trying to
figure out how to get her back um she
fixed the bullet holes with some wood
putty I just really wanted to see your
face when I said
that just a long slow blink and a
Grimace is what we got there mhm um and
then like oh then Zeus had showed up the
day before and dropped off uh like an ID
that had like dr's name on it and like a
Greek birth certificate
so he's now he's legal yeah he's legal
and now they can be
together the
end that's the whole book what happened
to
Randall oh he didn't die when homeboy
fell in him so I think he's in jail I
don't know they caught him that's the
point okay all right do the specifics of
what happened to to Randall matter she's
going to live happily ever after with
her door as an avid listener of True
Crime and Watcher of Law and Order yes
it
matters it matters oh my God have you
watched resident alien did he die I
think we thought he died and then he
didn't die but he was injured I don't
know I started resident alien because I
love Alan tck same um but I feel like I
was distracted I think I only made it
through the pilot do I need to go back
um I have enjoyed it I just finished the
first season okay but the reason I
thought of it is because he like learns
how to speak by watching Law and Order
and so he just randomly throughout the
first season will go Kung Kong like just
out of
nowhere it's so good it's so good yeah I
I I just love Allan to so literally what
did I to say I was like the man can do
no wrong in my my book yeah I've adored
him
since he was Steve the pirate yes um on
a dollhous when he was the villain and
he was so dark and he was so good he was
so good on that oh Firefly yes oh my go
just and he does so many Disney voices
yes like cartoons and characters that
yeah and Nathan fillian shows up in
Resident alien as well oh that's fun as
a voiceover it's very funny actually
yeah I always liked the Firefly
references um on Castle back in the day
yeah like a space cowboy for Halloween
what what's that yeah yeah um okay is
our rating skill knobs yeah I was going
to say doors solid oak doors or uh door
knobs rounded ones for obvious reasons
so literally I've been thinking about
like what's the shape of this knob
because your door does not have a
[ __ ]
knob yeah but mine isn't cient so it's
fine right never tried to [ __ ] mine
Hannah it's a non-issue I wouldn't [ __ ]
my door
knob oh my gosh is that everyone's
takeaway they're just going to like get
home and look at their door knob and be
like could I [ __ ] that would I [ __ ] that
is that the shape I was just thinking
like that's not a shape that is
[ __ ] well and I think that's like
what he tried to steer her to for her
replacement door was a less [ __ ] door
fck door knob well and then like do you
have you ever seen the crystal door
knobs yes yeah they were all over my
great-grandmother's house they're
beautiful they're gorgeous I thought of
those as well like I was like is it like
a beautiful vintage antique crystal door
knob yes which notably there are a lot
of sex toys that look similar to like
vintage correct doorknobs yeah yeah so
that was kind of where my head had
landed was like was like a crystal door
knob yeah was I was like it's not just
like a standard lock that you can get at
any yeah Home Depot this might be
ruining parts of my childhood continue
I'm sorry are you now thinking of
[ __ ] different parts of your
grandmother's home well I'm thinking of
other people [ __ ] different parts of
my grandmother's home why we don't own
it anymore I don't know who's in
there no I
not why are those the people you're
thinking of why are you thinking of
other people why are you thinking of
story that was this old story I got to
say I read this book and no part of me
was like I should have imagine people
[ __ ] different types of locks outside
of this book think that I should think
of it I didn't look at my husband and go
you spend a lot of time with your
grandparents as a
kid what kind of doorknobs did they have
I didn't
Wonder no part of me had any questions
about it this episode is
unhinged okay door knobs of doorknobs in
the shape of your choosing let's say
yeah
listen
doorknobs period no
comma if if you want to Envision a
[ __ ] doorknob that is your choice do
not bring bring me into that we are
going with doorknobs full
stop yep how many
doorknobs
um 30 okay I don't know just the number
felt right in my heart okay out of 30
door knobs
uhhuh
14 okay 12 to 14
doorknobs
okay feels like quite
frankly for how this book had initially
been described and I know I said it
earlier it was a far like cuter more
endearing read than I anticipated at any
point there's more plot than I thought
there would be yes there's a lot of like
sensual I love feeling her around my
Keyhole sort of energy but like sure
yeah it's an erotic door Romance
duh what do you
expect not that I've read others I just
assume I was like what did you
expect not this much plot yeah it was
like same it was and I honestly found
him very endearing he like truly loved
her and wanted to protect her in a way
that like and he he wasn't ashamed of
being her door it sounded like he was
proud of it because he was like between
her and the world yeah he's like I'm her
protector and he's like I'm your door
and I'm your protector and I love you
and I'm like I really I don't know what
I thought when I heard a woman was going
to fall in love with her front door but
like I guess I thought that the door
wouldn't love her back like not that he
would unrequited love with your front
door well right when someone's like oh
did you read the book about the woman
who fell in love with her front door and
like you don't know that door is
sensient and has been communicating with
her and turn like you know like that is
a different experience you heard about
the book about the werewolf shifter Who
falls in love with a potato
shifter can't say that I have potato
shifter I didn't know that was a choice
I saw it on Tik Tok potato shifter I've
never heard of a vegetable shifter
before either
and you know I'm a [ __ ] for potatoes I
know you
are but the PO potato does love the wolf
back according to the Tik Tok does he
suck it as a potato I don't think is it
twice baked I think that somebody does
eat it I don't remember I saw it on a
Tik Tok yeah they ate it that's the
point of a smut
book I'm going have to find it 12 to 14
12 to 12 12 door knobs yeah 12 door
knobs feels right it I went in with
quite literally the lowest of
expectations yeah and was very
pleasantly surprised by like what an
endearing read it was it's also like
less than 100 pages right like it is a
very quick well and I'm thinking too if
it was like fleshed out a little bit
more I could see it
being like getting better but honestly
here's the thing I don't know if it
needs to be flushed out more fair like
as I read through it I was like I feel
like this is what it needed to be like
we didn't over complicate it we didn't
ask too many questions we met
expectations dare I say we exceeded them
because my expectations were so low so
thanks ver Valentine that was a far more
enjoyable Journey yeah than I expected
um let us know how many knobs you would
rate this if uh you would choose a
different not a different knob shape we
said choose your own knob shape I'm not
choosing a knob shap your own adventure
with your knob shape yeah choose a knob
shape tell us how many knobs you'd give
the book we don't need to know about
your knob shape that is between you and
the Lord knob
Goblin I'm so
[Music]
sorry I've been thinking knob Goblin
this whole time and I haven't said it
you've been sitting on knob Goblin this
whole time not no yep
mhm my nickname in high school hey not
at all literally not at all woo probably
the opposite of my nickname in high
school my nickname in high school is
probably chasti belt or something more
is that mine was fun-sized cuz I was
smaller than I am now see
sopia nailed it you did I knew we got
the right Golden Girl for you and we've
made it full circle and we've made it
full circle all right like subscribe
yeah like subscribe tell us what Golden
Girl you identify as [ __ ] your your
Harry Potter house your hogwart's house
we do not care we care about The Golden
Girls I have a lot of golden girl [ __ ]
in my house yeah you do dare I say if
anyone givs me any more Golden Girl [ __ ]
it'll put me over the edge in a way
where I'm like I love them but not where
my house is a gallery huh for them sure
um and I do feel like we've gotten
gifted enough things over time that
we've we've started encroaching on that
territory noted but your house has some
very specific themes as well yeah
primarily horror movies and Pennywise
the
Clown yeah yeah you you probably have
more Pennywise stuff in your house than
we do of The Golden Girls probably yeah
yeah that's a fair assessment all right
um as Hannah said don't forget to like
And subscribe let us know you're Golden
Girl let us know how many knobs you
would rate this book keep the shape of
the knob to yourself but outside of that
we'd love to hear all the thoughts and
details and we'll see you next time bye
SMUD SLS well that's it for this week's
muts [ __ ] we hope it was good for you
cuz it sure was great for us if you're
digging what we're doing it would mean a
lot if you'd take a minute to rate and
review the show wherever you're
listening right now maybe tell that sexy
someone to lend us an ear we love you we
appreciate you and we'll see you next
week stay spdy
[Music]