(00:00:06):
All right.

(00:00:06):
Hi, everybody.

(00:00:07):
Welcome to Sober Banter.

(00:00:08):
I am Colin.

(00:00:09):
And I am Rachel.

(00:00:10):
And today we have someone from Canada.

(00:00:13):
Yeah, this will be our first international podcast.

(00:00:17):
This is Krys.

(00:00:19):
And I have loved your short videos.

(00:00:22):
As my husband said, his favorite thing is that you roll in.

(00:00:26):
Coming in hot.

(00:00:27):
Yeah.

(00:00:28):
So with the videos, I originally started them because I was kind of a lonely, sober person.

(00:00:35):
I had started doing them on TikTok just to kind of do like more of a diary kind of thing.

(00:00:41):
And it was actually on Halloween.

(00:00:43):
I was very newly sober, like 20 days.

(00:00:47):
And I live like in a hot spot downtown Toronto.

(00:00:50):
So I was like, hey, I'm not ready to go out on Halloween for sure.

(00:00:55):
But it was always my favorite holiday.

(00:00:56):
So I was literally just like sitting in my apartment, like crying, listening.

(00:01:00):
I can hear all the parties happening outside my window.

(00:01:02):
I was like,

(00:01:04):
I need to find more people to interact with,

(00:01:06):
like who are sober and kind of focus on that.

(00:01:10):
Because it's one thing to find people who don't drink.

(00:01:13):
But I think finding people who are actively in recovery is a totally different conversation.

(00:01:18):
So, yeah, I was hoping to find some great people and I did.

(00:01:23):
This is my second time getting sober.

(00:01:26):
It's been a very different experience.

(00:01:29):
I mentioned in one of my videos, I learned a new word this month that's a dried drunk.

(00:01:34):
And I think that's what I did last time was I went to rehab,

(00:01:38):
I got out and I was like,

(00:01:39):
okay,

(00:01:39):
I'm all better.

(00:01:40):
The joke in rehab was like, we kept saying, okay, are you cured yet?

(00:01:44):
Cause I'm cured.

(00:01:44):
And you know, you don't, there's no cure, right?

(00:01:48):
You have to keep working on it every day.

(00:01:50):
They say, you know, like,

(00:01:52):
Sobriety is rented and rent is due every day.

(00:01:54):
And I think that's true.

(00:01:56):
And even with like all that sober time under my belt,

(00:01:59):
I feel like because I'm working on it in a different way,

(00:02:02):
I'm learning something new constantly,

(00:02:05):
which is great.

(00:02:06):
And that's like part of what I like to do with the video,

(00:02:09):
kind of relate what I'm talking about to what's going on in my life.

(00:02:13):
Definitely remember when I learned dry drunk,

(00:02:15):
because I know before we got sober,

(00:02:18):
like really sober.

(00:02:19):
And anytime we take a break,

(00:02:21):
you know,

(00:02:22):
you definitely felt like you were that dry drunk because say that either on your

(00:02:27):
drink on when you could drink next,

(00:02:29):
like if it was for a sober October or dry January,

(00:02:32):
it was like,

(00:02:33):
I can just make it to February 1st and then everything will be good.

(00:02:37):
And that will prove I'm not an alcoholic.

(00:02:40):
or something like that.

(00:02:41):
And I think one of the big issues was I would still hang out with my drinking buddies,

(00:02:47):
but I just wouldn't drink.

(00:02:48):
So I would just be miserable around all these other people who are drinking and

(00:02:53):
having what I thought was having fun.

(00:02:55):
And I would be the miserable one.

(00:02:58):
And because I wasn't in a community of people who were not drinking or I didn't have

(00:03:05):
you know,

(00:03:05):
kind of this guidebook to follow like the 12 steps or even if you're not an AA,

(00:03:11):
just to be around a community of people that would help you.

(00:03:15):
So yeah, dry drunk is something I definitely relate to.

(00:03:18):
Yeah.

(00:03:19):
And so your sobriety date is October 10th.

(00:03:22):
So you're talking about Halloween.

(00:03:23):
So you're about 20 days sober, right?

(00:03:25):
Yeah.

(00:03:26):
And so what happened this time that was different from the time before?

(00:03:30):
So the first time I got sober, it was definitely...

(00:03:34):
I won't call it like legally mandated, but it was because I got a DUI.

(00:03:40):
And that was kind of my wake up call.

(00:03:42):
Part of how I was pleading with the judge to go easy on me was,

(00:03:47):
listen,

(00:03:47):
I'm going to go to rehab.

(00:03:48):
I'm going to do all these things.

(00:03:50):
And I feel like a lot of my intention behind getting sober was embarrassment, guilt, and shame.

(00:04:00):
Because my DUI...

(00:04:03):
Unfortunately, it became kind of like very public in my workspace.

(00:04:07):
I got it in a work vehicle.

(00:04:10):
So, you know, the vehicle is impounded.

(00:04:11):
I have to tell my bosses all this.

(00:04:13):
Like it was so embarrassing.

(00:04:15):
And then it helped even for my work to be like, well, I'm going to rehab.

(00:04:19):
So when I get out, you guys can hire me back and everything is going to be all better.

(00:04:22):
So, yeah, I think a lot of it was like it was for appearances.

(00:04:27):
I didn't want to get sober.

(00:04:30):
I know like the first two weeks of being in rehab, I was like, I don't need to be here.

(00:04:34):
I just have to get through my 45 days or whatever.

(00:04:36):
Whereas this time it was a very...

(00:04:40):
personal thing like it was a choice that I made for myself because I had been going

(00:04:47):
through like I've struggled with depression for what I'm now realizing was probably

(00:04:53):
the last 20 years or so it went on for so long it was like normalized to me I

(00:04:57):
didn't even realize that I was depressed but it got really bad towards

(00:05:03):
the end of this stint and I was just drinking away the sadness or so I thought

(00:05:09):
after there was an incident where I had a very bad habit of

(00:05:13):
getting blackout drunk and hurting myself.

(00:05:17):
And there was one day when I woke up and I was like, I can't do this anymore.

(00:05:23):
Something needs to change.

(00:05:24):
So I went to therapy and, you know, quit drinking, got on antidepressants.

(00:05:31):
So it was kind of this like whole overhaul of my mental facilities.

(00:05:36):
And I

(00:05:37):
I don't know if I even intended for the quitting drinking to be like the star of

(00:05:42):
the show,

(00:05:42):
but somehow it did become that way because I realized that chemically,

(00:05:48):
like after doing some reading like that,

(00:05:50):
it's really,

(00:05:51):
really damaging.

(00:05:52):
And yeah, it's been a huge thing like the antidepressants.

(00:05:56):
Yes, obviously they're helping.

(00:05:58):
But I had noticed it within like two weeks that I wasn't waking up with like crazy

(00:06:03):
anxiety and depression.

(00:06:04):
I was waking up kind of just neutral.

(00:06:07):
Yeah.

(00:06:08):
Well, and I mean, alcohol is a depressant.

(00:06:11):
And although like I know in my drinking days,

(00:06:13):
like I would argue that it fueled me and not even the present.

(00:06:18):
But I also deal with those.

(00:06:21):
I mean, Colin's seen me throw myself down the stairs like and we don't have to talk about that.

(00:06:26):
But I mean, yeah, we talk about hurting ourselves.

(00:06:29):
I mean, I was I did some crazy ass threats.

(00:06:32):
I don't know why,

(00:06:34):
how you stayed with me through them,

(00:06:36):
but you know,

(00:06:36):
you'd be like,

(00:06:37):
yeah,

(00:06:37):
well,

(00:06:37):
you won't remember this in the morning.

(00:06:39):
And I'd wake up and I don't remember making any kind of things or say, I don't, I don't know.

(00:06:47):
It was really when I was blackout when it would happen,

(00:06:50):
but yeah,

(00:06:51):
the carrying,

(00:06:51):
I think that's where the fourth step really helped me like really,

(00:06:56):
because there was that shame,

(00:06:57):
guilt,

(00:06:58):
guilt,

(00:07:00):
And I mean, Bill W. talked about he dealt with depression a lot.

(00:07:04):
So that's very common, I think, within people with addicts, alcoholism.

(00:07:11):
Especially, Chris, you said you were more of a blackout drinker.

(00:07:15):
Was these...

(00:07:18):
Where you could kind of hang on throughout your work week,

(00:07:21):
like Monday through Friday,

(00:07:23):
then Friday,

(00:07:23):
Saturday,

(00:07:24):
Sunday,

(00:07:24):
you just kind of went all out?

(00:07:26):
That type of blackout drinker?

(00:07:28):
Or was it just kind of as soon as you got done with work,

(00:07:30):
you black out until,

(00:07:32):
you know,

(00:07:32):
your alarm comes and then you got to go to work and put on this,

(00:07:37):
you know,

(00:07:37):
clean,

(00:07:37):
sober face?

(00:07:39):
I mostly like I would drink when I got home from work,

(00:07:42):
but I would also not drink to the excess that I would on the weekend.

(00:07:47):
Say I never blacked out during the week,

(00:07:50):
but it was definitely more of a Friday,

(00:07:52):
Saturday kind of thing.

(00:07:53):
Yeah.

(00:07:53):
Yeah.

(00:07:56):
It's always kind of like, what kind of drinker was I?

(00:07:58):
Because I feel like most of us have done it for so long that you're like,

(00:08:02):
well,

(00:08:02):
over the years,

(00:08:03):
I was every kind of drinker there.

(00:08:06):
Absolutely.

(00:08:06):
Yeah.

(00:08:07):
And it always kind of progresses because, yeah, I would drink more on the weekends, too.

(00:08:11):
But then maybe there's one Tuesday day after work where I found like,

(00:08:15):
oh, I could drink a little bit more and still go to work Wednesday and be okay.

(00:08:20):
Well,

(00:08:20):
then,

(00:08:21):
you know,

(00:08:21):
I keep adding to it,

(00:08:23):
you know,

(00:08:23):
little by little by little until I'm showing up at work,

(00:08:27):
not even close to 100%,

(00:08:28):
you know,

(00:08:30):
and it becomes pretty obvious,

(00:08:32):
even though I think I'm hiding it well.

(00:08:35):
And yeah, the shit show is just growing.

(00:08:38):
For sure.

(00:08:41):
Well, when I got pregnant and I was able to stay sober, I thought that was kind of like my...

(00:08:47):
I can prove I cannot drink for a certain amount of time.

(00:08:50):
But the only reason I wasn't drinking was because I was pregnant.

(00:08:52):
As soon as I had my son, it was back to wheels off.

(00:08:57):
And I don't know how if you felt the same after taking a year and a half off.

(00:09:02):
It's like the vengeance.

(00:09:03):
You come back twice as hard.

(00:09:04):
Right after I gave birth, I continued drinking at the level...

(00:09:08):
From when I stopped.

(00:09:10):
But you couldn't tell me that.

(00:09:12):
And it's like it hit home a lot faster.

(00:09:14):
I don't know if that was your experience or not.

(00:09:18):
The first day I drank, when I relapsed, I puked.

(00:09:22):
I drank until I puked that very first night.

(00:09:24):
I did not intend to, but I was used to being able to drink a whole bottle of wine, no problem.

(00:09:30):
And basically, I attempted to do that.

(00:09:33):
I don't think I set out to do that.

(00:09:34):
I was going to just have one.

(00:09:36):
My first time back at it, I puked red wine all over this beautiful white bathroom at an Airbnb.

(00:09:42):
On an Airbnb?

(00:09:43):
Yeah.

(00:09:46):
The bottle was actually a gift from the host.

(00:09:49):
Oh, not knowing, obviously.

(00:09:50):
So I was like, oh, it's like a sign, right?

(00:09:53):
They still have the bottle now as a gift.

(00:09:56):
They probably are like, maybe white wine.

(00:09:59):
But going back to the kind of like way...

(00:10:02):
And the drinking can you do a little more and a little more over the course of the week.

(00:10:07):
I remember.

(00:10:08):
So when I was back off the wagon, I still had a breathalyzer on my car.

(00:10:13):
And yeah, I was very aware, you know, of the rules of this thing and how sensitive it was.

(00:10:18):
And I was out of town for a job and I had had a lot to drink the night before.

(00:10:24):
I think I was drinking wine.

(00:10:26):
I do remember the extra bad pace.

(00:10:28):
I woke up for work and when I got it, I felt okay.

(00:10:32):
But,

(00:10:33):
you know,

(00:10:33):
a little bit of a headache,

(00:10:34):
like,

(00:10:34):
oh shit,

(00:10:35):
I should have had like one less last night.

(00:10:37):
But when I got into my car,

(00:10:39):
I couldn't get my car running because I kept failing the breath test.

(00:10:43):
Oh no.

(00:10:44):
How many failures did you get?

(00:10:47):
I think you get three.

(00:10:49):
Yeah.

(00:10:50):
And then it's like turn off.

(00:10:53):
Yeah.

(00:10:53):
Okay.

(00:10:53):
So and then it's like half a day or something.

(00:10:55):
And so you can do it again.

(00:10:56):
So I did the one and I was like, oh, my God.

(00:10:58):
So I called my guys.

(00:11:01):
luckily i'm the boss so you know for me to be like you guys go on i just have some

(00:11:06):
things to do so you know i gave myself an hour brushed my teeth ate as much as i

(00:11:10):
could went back in failed it again had to call one of my guys be like you got to

(00:11:14):
pick me up my car is broken like i need you know someone has to come fix it and

(00:11:20):
that should have been another wake-up call right but it's like we have this like

(00:11:24):
weird it's addiction it's it's a

(00:11:28):
It's an illness in a way, right?

(00:11:29):
Yeah, because I had a breathalyzer in my car for a year.

(00:11:32):
And us addicts always try to outsmart, you know, everything we can do.

(00:11:40):
And I don't know if you've ever heard this story, but I remember...

(00:11:44):
You know,

(00:11:44):
I just couldn't hold off,

(00:11:45):
but I went to go visit a friend at his apartment,

(00:11:49):
and it was like maybe a 10-12 minute drive.

(00:11:52):
And sometimes the breathalyzer would go off in the middle of the drive.

(00:11:56):
So when I drove to his place, it went off in the middle of the drive.

(00:12:00):
And so I blew to prove that I was still sober.

(00:12:03):
And I got to his house and I was like, OK, if they're not going to drink, I can drink.

(00:12:10):
They can blow into it.

(00:12:11):
And since it already went off in the middle of the drive,

(00:12:14):
it's not going to go off in the middle of the drive when I drive back home.

(00:12:18):
And so I thought I'd outsmarted it.

(00:12:21):
the breathalyzer and sure enough on the way home because I got one of them to blow

(00:12:26):
into the breathalyzer so I could start my car because I had two or three beers

(00:12:30):
there because you know I couldn't like just wait two hours or whatever and so on

(00:12:37):
the way home you know it went off and I had a panic and I realized I'm not going to

(00:12:42):
be able to make it home to where my roommate is

(00:12:45):
to where they could blow in it.

(00:12:46):
So they had to,

(00:12:48):
I called my roommate at the time,

(00:12:50):
she and a friend met me at like a grocery store parking lot halfway in between

(00:12:55):
where I was and where my townhouse was.

(00:12:59):
So they could blow into the breathalyzer.

(00:13:03):
So it would appear that I was still sober.

(00:13:07):
I don't know if you have the best friends of the world or the worst,

(00:13:10):
most wild friends in the world.

(00:13:12):
Well, I was surprised that they weren't also drunk or drinking at the time.

(00:13:18):
So I think that also helps when you have friends that are also more stoner-based

(00:13:23):
instead of drinking-based.

(00:13:25):
So I wasn't too worried of that.

(00:13:28):
I was like, well, they might just be a little high.

(00:13:31):
But breathalyzer's not going to catch that.

(00:13:33):
So...

(00:13:35):
Yeah.

(00:13:36):
So that was a really intense story that I was able to walk around and the judge or

(00:13:42):
nobody found out about that one.

(00:13:43):
But just for some reason,

(00:13:46):
those weird things you do to try to outsmart or trick your breathalyzer.

(00:13:49):
And yeah.

(00:13:51):
But you were the one who had the problem saying you were alcoholic when we got sober.

(00:13:56):
Yeah.

(00:13:56):
But you just I don't have any stories like that.

(00:13:58):
No.

(00:13:58):
Yeah.

(00:13:59):
And this was a 22-year-old Colin.

(00:14:01):
But I know I'm an alcoholic.

(00:14:03):
I mean, I know it would have been a matter of time before I got pulled over.

(00:14:06):
Like, I mean, I know the way I drank was alcoholically.

(00:14:09):
Like, I didn't... Yeah, you flirted pretty dangerously with that one.

(00:14:13):
So dangerously.

(00:14:14):
So dangerously.

(00:14:15):
Yeah.

(00:14:17):
You know, I live through your experience on that.

(00:14:20):
Yeah.

(00:14:20):
And a good note, too, is it's just because you don't have the same stories.

(00:14:25):
Like, me saying...

(00:14:27):
oh, I never had a DUI and had the breathalyzer things.

(00:14:31):
Like, that doesn't make me any less of an alcoholic.

(00:14:34):
It's just,

(00:14:35):
if I were to relapse,

(00:14:36):
I know I'd probably get caught that day because it's only a matter of time until I

(00:14:42):
would have hit that point.

(00:14:44):
Yeah.

(00:14:44):
You know?

(00:14:45):
And...

(00:14:47):
I guess I would recommend looking for the similarities and not the differences

(00:14:52):
because I would have drank that way too.

(00:14:55):
You know, I would have tried to manipulate a breathalyzer.

(00:14:58):
Yeah.

(00:14:59):
I'm reused to have standup jokes about like trying to get a date and you're like,

(00:15:02):
hold on,

(00:15:02):
I got to start my car really quickly.

(00:15:04):
It's blowing into the breathalyzer.

(00:15:06):
Yeah.

(00:15:06):
Yeah.

(00:15:07):
I used to do stand-up,

(00:15:08):
and I had a bit of picking up a first date in my car with a breathalyzer in it.

(00:15:13):
It's weird how you just let it become normal, too.

(00:15:17):
Like, in my work, I end up driving people around a lot.

(00:15:21):
So eventually, like, all my employees are like, oh, she's got to blow the thing.

(00:15:24):
Give it a second.

(00:15:25):
And they'd be laughing because, you know, you got to hum.

(00:15:27):
It's not a pretty thing to have to do in front of somebody.

(00:15:31):
Yeah, there is.

(00:15:31):
I forget.

(00:15:32):
There's kind of a... You blow, but it's a different... It's not just...

(00:15:36):
oh my god hearing you do that yeah it is kind of when you said home like that

(00:15:43):
brought it to me and it was it was almost weird when it got taken out of my car of

(00:15:47):
not having it anymore but we can put it back if it could run on just breathalyzer

(00:15:54):
and that gas that'd be awesome because that'd be right every day now

(00:15:59):
Yeah, because we don't even like that's not.

(00:16:02):
Well,

(00:16:02):
I guess maybe it'd be a little bit of a nuisance like to have to do it just because

(00:16:07):
it's having to blow into something.

(00:16:09):
But it wouldn't be the added anxiety of like, am I going to be able to pass this today?

(00:16:15):
Because that has a whole other level of.

(00:16:19):
Not only are you doing something embarrassing, it's like, what if I blow in?

(00:16:23):
It doesn't work.

(00:16:23):
And now it doesn't work in front of like people I'm, you know, riding with or whatnot.

(00:16:28):
Did you ever try to hide it from your coat?

(00:16:30):
Because you said now it's kind of a joke amongst your coworkers.

(00:16:33):
But like that first,

(00:16:34):
did you ever think to try to hide it or use an excuse of,

(00:16:37):
well,

(00:16:38):
I got pulled over and I was barely over the legal limit of drinking or to make it

(00:16:43):
sound a little better?

(00:16:45):
So there were certain people who I wouldn't want to get in my car.

(00:16:49):
It was like finding all these little tiny reasons why we shouldn't take my car.

(00:16:54):
Like AC is broken or my window doesn't close and it's winter.

(00:16:58):
Maybe we should take your car.

(00:16:59):
And I mean, that's just the shame too.

(00:17:04):
And I'm sure you're beating yourself up in your head because if you're not able to

(00:17:08):
drive somewhere,

(00:17:09):
like I can imagine that that would be

(00:17:12):
difficult and it'd be like oh my god and then you if i were drinking at the time i

(00:17:17):
would go drink harder because i was embarrassed and the only way to deal with that

(00:17:20):
shame is to go back when you don't want anyone to see you drinking when they know

(00:17:26):
you have a breathalyzer in your car too yeah oh so now you have an even another

(00:17:31):
level of like you're trying to hide it and it's the the manipulation of so many

(00:17:35):
factors like when i got sober i was like

(00:17:38):
I don't have to do all that anymore.

(00:17:40):
And like that was just a relief of like I could just be honest.

(00:17:44):
You're no longer multitasking all these crazy scenarios and juggling all these things.

(00:17:51):
You can just focus on one thing and it's the easier thing.

(00:17:57):
It's like having a lot of tabs open, you know, and it's I just like.

(00:18:01):
Well, I mean, I like that it's being able to be honest.

(00:18:05):
I don't have to think of the lie told.

(00:18:06):
I don't have to like make.

(00:18:09):
excuses for all of these different things or have to try and like figure out how

(00:18:14):
I'm going to get home or get there.

(00:18:16):
Or like our, my first like sober party, you know, my sponsor was like, you know, you can leave.

(00:18:22):
Right.

(00:18:22):
And I was like, Oh my God, that's crazy because like I'm sober.

(00:18:26):
I can literally get in.

(00:18:27):
I'm not used to that.

(00:18:28):
I'm used to not being able to drive home, you know, like, so I have to figure it all out.

(00:18:33):
Yeah.

(00:18:33):
And so that's,

(00:18:37):
It's crazy.

(00:18:38):
How are you going through like a 12 step program?

(00:18:41):
Or I think I saw, are you going smart recovery?

(00:18:43):
I do smart recovery.

(00:18:46):
What do you like about it?

(00:18:48):
Well, for me, I guess the thing that scared me off from AA was the spirituality of it.

(00:18:54):
It's just never really been my thing.

(00:18:57):
It just felt like a lot in general, I think.

(00:18:59):
And I was like, I don't know.

(00:19:00):
We're good.

(00:19:00):
We don't judge.

(00:19:01):
I was just curious because like maybe someone else will think

(00:19:04):
Oh, I would love to hear that.

(00:19:07):
Well,

(00:19:07):
that was going to be my question was,

(00:19:09):
yeah,

(00:19:09):
what has worked for you the second time around?

(00:19:12):
Like that first time you said you were that dry drunk.

(00:19:16):
And so this time around,

(00:19:17):
obviously,

(00:19:18):
you found your people and you started,

(00:19:20):
you know,

(00:19:21):
your channel.

(00:19:22):
I don't even know if they're like big groups or if they're small.

(00:19:24):
It's actually really small.

(00:19:26):
After the pandemic, everything went online.

(00:19:28):
Since then, I think only two meetings in Toronto have gone back to real life.

(00:19:33):
And I'd say on average, a big meeting for our group is maybe like 15 people.

(00:19:39):
So it's pretty intimate.

(00:19:42):
And we kind of just work through that in a way, but it's more about

(00:19:49):
self-regulation rather than focusing on just alcohol or whatever your drug is.

(00:19:55):
There's people there who are like, I'm here for anxiety.

(00:19:58):
And we'll talk about it because I think it all really is wrapped up.

(00:20:01):
The things that are going to make you drink are the things that are making you anxious, right?

(00:20:06):
So it kind of treats

(00:20:09):
like addiction or substance abuse or whatever it is you're overdoing it on as more

(00:20:16):
of a symptom of a problem that like is going on in your head.

(00:20:21):
So it's about emotional regulation and kind of problem solving for yourself in ways

(00:20:27):
that are not going to be self-destructive or destructive to those around you.

(00:20:32):
Yeah.

(00:20:34):
Do they discriminate as far as like if you're there for,

(00:20:38):
like you said,

(00:20:39):
there's people that go there for other things,

(00:20:41):
but is it people who are there for drugs or alcohol or drugs?

(00:20:45):
do drugs or those other programs like there's na like narcotics anonymous all in

(00:20:50):
the same group they're like group there's the drug the drug addicts there's a guy

(00:20:55):
who's addicted to video games there's a we're all just did it together like i can't

(00:21:01):
stop doing this one thing right very cool i loved the book the dopamine nation and

(00:21:07):
that book talks about all the different kinds of

(00:21:11):
addictions but the common thing that they have is you can't stop doing it yeah and

(00:21:17):
that's where i say like there are people i feel like that will even go to aa like

(00:21:22):
they hear a story like the dui and they're like maybe i don't need to be here and

(00:21:27):
it's like no no you're looking at the differences not the similarities did you

(00:21:31):
still drink that way like yeah or did you do you feel that same way that like

(00:21:37):
if you were to throw a bottle in the trash can, would you go pull it back out?

(00:21:41):
You know, like, that's nothing.

(00:21:44):
Because I talk about

(00:21:48):
again it's it's the feeling it's not it's yeah the alcohol drug video game it's all

(00:21:55):
a symptom of how you're regulating and how you're using whatever it is and i think

(00:22:01):
there are so many ways for a substance or a habit or an addiction to hurt you that

(00:22:09):
it's not even about like

(00:22:11):
Do you drink every day?

(00:22:12):
You don't have to drink every day for alcohol to be a bad thing in your life.

(00:22:17):
Like,

(00:22:18):
I remember when I got to rehab,

(00:22:19):
it was almost there was this like weird hierarchy of like,

(00:22:23):
who is this toolkit or something?

(00:22:26):
And I didn't get like any respect until I told them about like a couple of times I

(00:22:31):
was in jail and they were like,

(00:22:32):
oh shit,

(00:22:32):
okay.

(00:22:33):
But I'm like, you guys...

(00:22:35):
This shouldn't be a competition.

(00:22:37):
And there was another girl who came in and it was the same thing you were saying for her.

(00:22:42):
Like she kind of heard all these stories and she's like, well, I don't drink every day.

(00:22:46):
I like can stop myself.

(00:22:49):
I just black out once in a while.

(00:22:51):
And then as I started to hear her stories,

(00:22:53):
I'm like,

(00:22:53):
girl,

(00:22:54):
this is you're going to kill yourself.

(00:22:56):
Like this is a problem.

(00:22:57):
And it took her kind of a while to be like, oh, yeah, I should stop this.

(00:23:03):
Yeah.

(00:23:07):
I do remember the feeling of there were a few times I was a lot like you in my early recovery.

(00:23:13):
I was all about it.

(00:23:14):
I wanted to share it.

(00:23:15):
I wanted to kind of do the tips.

(00:23:17):
And again, it kept me sober.

(00:23:19):
But I would get responses of like, you can't do this at only so-and-so about a days.

(00:23:27):
Or I think I had emailed about like the Dallas sober because they were looking for,

(00:23:32):
you know,

(00:23:32):
someone...

(00:23:34):
to like run it.

(00:23:35):
And I was so excited to put in my application.

(00:23:37):
And I think I like my heart broke when I got like the one.

(00:23:42):
Yeah, you need more time.

(00:23:43):
Like you only I hate that word only.

(00:23:48):
I don't use that word for that reason.

(00:23:50):
And I'm like, you know what?

(00:23:51):
There are people with 15 days sober that have so much more to share than someone

(00:23:56):
who has 15 years.

(00:23:57):
Because you're in that raw, honest part.

(00:24:03):
And you can look back a lot easier than someone who's 15 years sober.

(00:24:08):
Well, I mean, I guess I can't say that.

(00:24:10):
Again, it's not a competition.

(00:24:12):
It's about the similarities.

(00:24:15):
And that's something...

(00:24:18):
I think when talking to people,

(00:24:20):
especially who have gone back out and like,

(00:24:23):
I call that reestablishing your step one.

(00:24:25):
You're just you are now at a place where you know you're powerless over how alcohol

(00:24:32):
goes in your body and whatnot.

(00:24:34):
And yeah,

(00:24:34):
like what you're saying about the word only a girl came in to our meeting a couple

(00:24:38):
of weeks ago and she was like,

(00:24:40):
I'm only nine days sober.

(00:24:42):
And I'm like, I'm getting emotional.

(00:24:44):
I like want to cry.

(00:24:45):
So I was like, girl, do you know how many times I couldn't get nine days sober?

(00:24:49):
Like you should be so proud of yourself.

(00:24:51):
It doesn't matter if you have 15 years or 50 days.

(00:24:57):
It's not easy.

(00:24:58):
And I think that the earlier days are the hardest.

(00:25:01):
I've not ever been more than a year and a half,

(00:25:04):
but those early days are the days you need to be the most proud of yourself and

(00:25:09):
stop saying only.

(00:25:11):
It's such a damaging word because it's a huge accomplishment and that diminishes it.

(00:25:16):
And the more you diminish yourself,

(00:25:18):
the closer you're getting to being back into a headspace where you're like,

(00:25:22):
well,

(00:25:23):
you know,

(00:25:23):
it was only...

(00:25:25):
50 days anyway.

(00:25:26):
What's the harm?

(00:25:27):
And like giving up.

(00:25:29):
I was like, hate that word.

(00:25:33):
It makes me so upset.

(00:25:34):
And it's just like,

(00:25:37):
yeah,

(00:25:37):
you know,

(00:25:38):
if you have something to share,

(00:25:40):
I wouldn't look back at my last sober October and I made it till October 4th.

(00:25:44):
I made it four days.

(00:25:45):
So, yeah, nine days.

(00:25:46):
A huge accomplishment.

(00:25:48):
I think it's because the fourth or the fifth just happened to be a weekend.

(00:25:51):
I mean, there's always a rationalization of why to drink, except this time was different.

(00:26:02):
Like, this was the first time we had gone to a meeting.

(00:26:04):
And I think this was the first time that I actually wanted to get sober when it was,

(00:26:11):
you know,

(00:26:11):
three years ago.

(00:26:12):
Yeah.

(00:26:14):
And it wasn't for...

(00:26:17):
a dry January or October.

(00:26:19):
It was just, I just, I couldn't do it anymore.

(00:26:22):
The dry drunk is so real.

(00:26:24):
And I would be so snippy, especially near the end.

(00:26:27):
Because like, all I was waiting for was that next drink.

(00:26:31):
And like, unless you're not found.

(00:26:33):
And then there was the rationalization that I remember having with Colin of like,

(00:26:37):
Well, at midnight, you know, on the 31st, when it turns to the first, can we drink?

(00:26:42):
And he's like, can you just not wait till like first?

(00:26:44):
And, you know, it's like, oh, well, we're going to drink in 12 hours anyway.

(00:26:48):
Why don't we just do it now?

(00:26:49):
Yeah.

(00:26:50):
It's like trying to get in that, you know, premier boarding class on Southwest.

(00:26:54):
I got to get right when the hour changes.

(00:26:57):
Oh, my God.

(00:27:00):
And like have it poured already.

(00:27:01):
And you're just staring and you're just like.

(00:27:05):
If you have done that,

(00:27:07):
that would be considered just as bad of an addiction because I would say the test

(00:27:13):
for addiction is like,

(00:27:14):
can you just get rid of it and not think about it and not care?

(00:27:18):
You know,

(00:27:19):
if you are sitting there waiting for the clock to change because that was like

(00:27:23):
you're hitting your goal,

(00:27:24):
I would probably say that's an attitude of a dry drunk because you're waiting for you.

(00:27:28):
Yeah, now that you bring that up, I'm having like flashbacks to the pandemic.

(00:27:33):
Because I remember being like, all right, well, you know, not till five o'clock.

(00:27:39):
And then I'd be standing there at like, you know, staring at my squad.

(00:27:43):
Like, was this ever going to change from four fifty nine?

(00:27:46):
And then that deadline moved up like, OK, well, like three o'clock.

(00:27:50):
And then it was noon and it was silly.

(00:27:52):
Yeah.

(00:27:54):
Why am I waiting for this arbitrary timeline when like nothing exists right now?

(00:28:00):
I totally forgot that I did that.

(00:28:03):
I'll tell you, things start coming.

(00:28:05):
Like,

(00:28:06):
even now,

(00:28:07):
I still get random flashbacks of things that I'm like,

(00:28:09):
oh,

(00:28:09):
my God,

(00:28:09):
I hadn't even thought about that.

(00:28:11):
I remember in the pandemic, because I was working from home, and they'd be like,

(00:28:16):
you know,

(00:28:17):
I'd be in the back office and I'd be like,

(00:28:18):
hey,

(00:28:19):
I just sent an email and you'd be like,

(00:28:21):
shot time.

(00:28:22):
And it was like everything with this congratulatory, you know, shot.

(00:28:26):
Oh, I just finished a project or I just finished an edit.

(00:28:29):
And it was just shot time.

(00:28:30):
Just went down for a nap.

(00:28:32):
And it was throughout the day.

(00:28:34):
And then I remember there were times like,

(00:28:37):
Oh, well, in Eastern time, you know, it's already five.

(00:28:41):
And so it's like, well, it's five o'clock somewhere thing.

(00:28:46):
And I'm like, man, that was such a damaging line to me.

(00:28:50):
Vacation was another write off of like, well, we're on vacation.

(00:28:53):
Of course we can daydream.

(00:28:55):
And we missed an entire vacation, basically, because we were too drunk or we were hungover.

(00:29:03):
and then doing hair of the dog to the point where it was just so bad canceling even

(00:29:08):
dinner reservations that we made couldn't do dinner too drunk to get there from day

(00:29:12):
drinking yeah have you gone anywhere yet no and that's actually going to be the the

(00:29:19):
true test because i am the kind of person that i arrive at the airport

(00:29:24):
intentionally like four hours early because the bar is always open and i don't know

(00:29:29):
what it is i just

(00:29:30):
I love drinking at the airport.

(00:29:31):
I love drinking on the plane.

(00:29:33):
I haven't actually been on vacation in a couple of years, but I travel a lot for work.

(00:29:38):
So that first flight I have to get on, you know, I'm going to live stream it maybe.

(00:29:42):
I don't know, just to keep myself clean.

(00:29:45):
I'm telling you,

(00:29:46):
if you're like what you're saying you are,

(00:29:48):
you know,

(00:29:49):
like you're sober this time and you're having good tools and self-regulation.

(00:29:55):
it's gonna be different it's like going to the airport with new glasses I remember

(00:29:58):
I was so nervous the first time I went and it wasn't I mean I just saw that it just

(00:30:06):
didn't look fun like the people who looked in the bars I was like it didn't look

(00:30:11):
like a crowd I wanted to be a part of anymore it just looked different yeah and as

(00:30:18):
far I mean we used to pack like

(00:30:21):
We would get not just the minis.

(00:30:23):
We would say we wanted like the ones that's in the packaging because we wanted to

(00:30:27):
have that many minis on the plane.

(00:30:30):
And we would order one and then just add more to it.

(00:30:34):
I haven't thought of a time where I've flown and we've flown a lot.

(00:30:37):
It was just different.

(00:30:38):
It really was.

(00:30:39):
And I thought I was going to be triggered because I too am...

(00:30:44):
I used to love drinking at the airport.

(00:30:46):
Oh my God.

(00:30:46):
We will get so fucked up.

(00:30:48):
Save a lot of money though.

(00:30:49):
I would just say,

(00:30:51):
you know,

(00:30:51):
with some of the,

(00:30:52):
you can live stream if that makes you feel better,

(00:30:54):
but like,

(00:30:56):
texting someone to like just having a little bit of accountability.

(00:31:01):
If you do,

(00:31:02):
you know,

(00:31:03):
and actually one of the things I noticed,

(00:31:05):
which I'd never noticed before I got sober,

(00:31:07):
is like most places have like a meditation room or a space.

(00:31:12):
And I'm like, oh, never noticed that before.

(00:31:14):
But I was usually drunk and I'm not looking for it.

(00:31:17):
Having your new kind of go-to drink,

(00:31:19):
I know in the beginning for me,

(00:31:20):
it was the Topo Chico and lime just because I wanted that carbonation of something

(00:31:26):
and a little bit of flavor.

(00:31:27):
Even I only just recently,

(00:31:30):
and again,

(00:31:31):
this was year three,

(00:31:33):
that someone ordered a drink next to me and it just didn't even smell good.

(00:31:38):
I was just like, I don't want to be sitting next to, I mean, it was, she was at a mimosa and

(00:31:44):
It doesn't look, it's not something I crave anymore.

(00:31:47):
It's just not part of my life.

(00:31:49):
You know, like I look at other people and I'm like, I want something like they have.

(00:31:55):
I don't want to go back.

(00:31:57):
It doesn't sound fun.

(00:31:59):
Well, and it's risky too, right?

(00:32:01):
Like at the airport, more than once I have not been allowed on the plane because I'm too drunk.

(00:32:07):
I remember one time,

(00:32:08):
I almost made it.

(00:32:09):
I was so close.

(00:32:10):
We were going from that little strip onto the plane and I tripped.

(00:32:14):
And I want to say it was partly the shoes I was wearing and the fact that I was on

(00:32:17):
an angle,

(00:32:18):
but I went down so hard.

(00:32:20):
And all of a sudden they're like smelling my breath.

(00:32:22):
They're like, you're going to have to wait for the next flight.

(00:32:24):
And yeah, I missed a flight once because I was so drunk.

(00:32:27):
I was in the wrong terminal.

(00:32:29):
Didn't even know.

(00:32:29):
Got so pissed at the people.

(00:32:31):
They were like, you're in the wrong terminal.

(00:32:32):
Yeah.

(00:32:33):
And I think that's like the thing that they teach you too,

(00:32:37):
is I remember being in the airport and I'm like,

(00:32:40):
nobody would know,

(00:32:41):
you know,

(00:32:41):
you have that first time where you're looking around and it's like,

(00:32:44):
no one would know if I went and drank,

(00:32:48):
but it's the,

(00:32:48):
I would know.

(00:32:49):
And we talk about that, like the guilt, the shame, all of that feeling is in that first drink.

(00:32:58):
And it's again, those types of things, like,

(00:33:02):
I didn't have any problems at the airport.

(00:33:04):
And I was so scared because I almost didn't get allowed on the plane.

(00:33:10):
But thankfully, we were wearing masks at the time.

(00:33:12):
But I have pictures that are so cringe, like so cringe.

(00:33:18):
And yeah, there's something different when surrendering to you want it for yourself.

(00:33:27):
So if you're comparing it to like last time you were sober for the year and a half

(00:33:34):
and going to the airport and like being jealous,

(00:33:36):
it's a very different feeling when you surrender yourself.

(00:33:40):
But actually a lot of the live stream might help other people because you can talk

(00:33:44):
about how you feel.

(00:33:45):
But don't be surprised if you don't really feel anything because I was scared and I just didn't.

(00:33:52):
Yeah,

(00:33:52):
I was thinking the other day,

(00:33:54):
like I had posted a couple of weeks ago that it felt like I was running out of

(00:33:58):
things to do sober for the first time.

(00:34:01):
I feel like since I posted that, I've been noticing all these things.

(00:34:06):
I'm like, they're small things, but things are still coming up.

(00:34:09):
Right.

(00:34:09):
I hosted a party at my house for the first time and I wasn't drinking at my own party.

(00:34:15):
Like little things.

(00:34:16):
The night went fine.

(00:34:17):
I hadn't overthought it, but I'm like, no, there's going to be things forever.

(00:34:20):
I remember so clearly my first time playing pool without a beer in my hand was at rehab.

(00:34:27):
And the first time I went to a bonfire and didn't have beer was just after I got out of rehab.

(00:34:34):
And those were two that I think I'll remember for a long time because it was so

(00:34:38):
empowering to be like,

(00:34:40):
oh,

(00:34:41):
this is still fun.

(00:34:43):
Yeah.

(00:34:44):
Well, I was going to say too, like Valentine's Day is coming up.

(00:34:47):
And I know one of the things that people love hearing is dating and sobriety.

(00:34:53):
And that's like a huge topic,

(00:34:55):
which,

(00:34:55):
you know,

(00:34:56):
we don't really,

(00:34:56):
I don't got much on because we stayed together.

(00:35:01):
And that was our accomplishment.

(00:35:04):
We can talk about being married and being sober, but not as far as really dating.

(00:35:08):
Yeah.

(00:35:09):
done any because you said you hosted kind of your first sober party and I know this

(00:35:13):
is different for a few people as far as you know going out have you gone out with

(00:35:19):
either old friends of yours or even co-workers because I know for me the where I

(00:35:25):
work will go out and have like a work happy hour every quarter or so and nobody

(00:35:32):
that I work with knows I haven't just told him that I'm sober for three years I

(00:35:37):
just thought he got really smart

(00:35:38):
Yeah, I just all of a sudden my productivity just shot up through the roof.

(00:35:42):
But I'll order,

(00:35:44):
you know,

(00:35:44):
either a Topo Chico or a non-alcoholic beer and just kind of blend in because I

(00:35:50):
just don't feel like having to explain my whole backstory and sobriety story.

(00:35:55):
I don't really want to stand out and I don't want my coworkers to look at me any

(00:35:59):
differently because I still joke with them.

(00:36:02):
you know, about hangovers and stuff like that or old stories.

(00:36:07):
And just because I think that's fun and funny to share,

(00:36:10):
but I haven't been outright like,

(00:36:12):
oh,

(00:36:12):
I'm sober now.

(00:36:13):
I guess you should ask, was it a sober party?

(00:36:15):
Like, was it people that were in sobriety attending the party?

(00:36:18):
So that actually became a bit of a topic.

(00:36:23):
I had been spending extra time with somebody from my sober group and he said,

(00:36:30):
I invited him to the party and I was like, well, like, you know, we've gone out a few times.

(00:36:33):
Do you want to meet my friend?

(00:36:35):
Like I'm having this party.

(00:36:36):
And when I sent out like the official invitation on WhatsApp or whatever,

(00:36:40):
I said,

(00:36:42):
you know,

(00:36:43):
as everybody knows,

(00:36:44):
I'm sober,

(00:36:45):
but feel free to.

(00:36:46):
And I think the way I worded it was what upset him.

(00:36:49):
But I said, but feel free to bring alcohol and drink your little butt sauce.

(00:36:54):
Because like, I want people to have fun.

(00:36:56):
It's a party, right?

(00:36:58):
And he messaged me a couple days later saying,

(00:37:02):
I think you need to rethink having alcohol at your party.

(00:37:06):
You need to talk to the group.

(00:37:07):
You need to talk to your therapist.

(00:37:09):
I don't think it's a good idea.

(00:37:10):
And I was just kind of like,

(00:37:12):
why do I need a jury to decide on whether I can allow people to have alcohol in my house?

(00:37:19):
it became a heated conversation between the two of us because he was like you're so

(00:37:24):
newly sober I don't think you can handle it and I was like maybe you couldn't but

(00:37:30):
social drinking is not my trigger like I'm actually okay with being around people

(00:37:36):
who are drinking it's more being alone is my most dangerous time alone and sad

(00:37:43):
right like

(00:37:44):
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, whatever the whole.

(00:37:46):
That's my most dangerous time.

(00:37:49):
I like being around people when they get to start loosening up.

(00:37:53):
And I'm pretty lucky in a way that not a lot of my friends are big drinkers.

(00:37:58):
I was the anomaly.

(00:37:59):
I was the asshole who was always too loud and too drunk and everybody else's

(00:38:02):
problem by the end of the night.

(00:38:04):
So...

(00:38:06):
I have been out to a few dinners and little parties and gone out to bars and stuff.

(00:38:11):
And I think it's just a relief for everybody else that I'm not drinking.

(00:38:15):
And it's been eye-opening for me because I realize that other people are not

(00:38:20):
getting like crazy drunk.

(00:38:22):
Like I think when you're drunk, you feel like everybody's as drunk as you are.

(00:38:26):
But, you know, at my party on Saturday, like 25 people were here.

(00:38:30):
And when I was cleaning up, there was 10 empties total.

(00:38:36):
Like I was like calling people like, did you bring your empties home?

(00:38:38):
Like, why is there no like alcohol here?

(00:38:42):
I was so surprised.

(00:38:43):
And it was like, yeah, not everybody drank.

(00:38:45):
A bunch of people drove here and there was some sober people.

(00:38:49):
And the people that did drink just had like two or three, I guess.

(00:38:53):
And I never would have clocked that.

(00:38:56):
If it was like me drinking, I would have drank my two bottles of wine.

(00:38:59):
I would have been obnoxious and assumed that everybody was as drunk as I was.

(00:39:04):
Yeah,

(00:39:04):
because I wanted to add,

(00:39:05):
because I know everybody's different as far as when they looked at that.

(00:39:08):
We had a sober Super Bowl and we made sure that everyone was just sober.

(00:39:14):
Yeah, I was the opposite.

(00:39:16):
I was like, don't bring alcohol.

(00:39:18):
It took me a while, you know?

(00:39:20):
Everyone's different.

(00:39:22):
But, you know, you said you stood your ground.

(00:39:24):
I don't think you need... Colin didn't care, though.

(00:39:27):
Yeah,

(00:39:27):
and I don't think you should feel ashamed or,

(00:39:29):
you know,

(00:39:30):
like you said,

(00:39:30):
ask a committee,

(00:39:31):
like,

(00:39:31):
is this a good idea?

(00:39:32):
I mean, you can get

(00:39:33):
other people's opinions but if you are comfortable like you said you've already

(00:39:37):
been to dinner parties or bars and you figured out what's your trigger and you

(00:39:43):
still want to go out and enjoy you know seeing your family or seeing your friends

(00:39:47):
because that's kind of who you are because

(00:39:50):
I've gone to a few bars or restaurants to hang with people.

(00:39:53):
And like you said,

(00:39:54):
I realized,

(00:39:55):
well,

(00:39:56):
I was the one that was instigating all this drinking because I've said it before on

(00:40:01):
the podcast.

(00:40:01):
When I sobered up, I realized how lame some of my friends were.

(00:40:07):
I was like, geez, or they're taking tiny shots or, you know, just drink two beers.

(00:40:13):
I'm like, that's all you're doing.

(00:40:15):
All right.

(00:40:15):
Yeah.

(00:40:16):
Yeah.

(00:40:17):
And if you if that was not a problem for you,

(00:40:20):
I again,

(00:40:21):
the airport like I was more I did not want to touch empty alcohol like I did not

(00:40:26):
want to have to clean it up.

(00:40:27):
I didn't want it in the house like it took me a while to come to the terms of.

(00:40:31):
I was mad at alcohol for a while like I was it was on my resentments, you know, of.

(00:40:40):
thinking that alcohol destroyed my life.

(00:40:42):
You know, alcohol is the reason I had no job.

(00:40:44):
Alcohol, and it's not true.

(00:40:46):
I was the reason.

(00:40:47):
I didn't have, you know, it's but a symptom, like you said, is what we realized.

(00:40:52):
We couldn't even listen to music that had alcohol.

(00:40:54):
Oh my God.

(00:40:55):
I just thought it was fun.

(00:40:57):
but you took a little bit longer than me.

(00:40:59):
And I was so dead serious about this recovery.

(00:41:02):
Like I was all in.

(00:41:03):
I just don't think I had, I didn't know how else to do it because I was so scared.

(00:41:08):
I didn't even know that it'd last for forever.

(00:41:09):
At three months, I definitely wasn't like, this is a forever thing.

(00:41:13):
I think it was probably till, well, I don't know.

(00:41:17):
It clicks when it clicks.

(00:41:18):
It's just listening to the similarities and not the differences.

(00:41:22):
Yeah.

(00:41:23):
I remember when I first got sober, I was literally crying in rehab.

(00:41:30):
I was talking to the group therapy,

(00:41:32):
like we were talking and I started crying when I realized that on my wedding day,

(00:41:38):
like I'm still not married.

(00:41:39):
This is, you know,

(00:41:40):
little girl dream but i was like on my wedding day i'm not going to be able to have

(00:41:43):
a drink that's not fair and like i literally was crying about it like that i had

(00:41:49):
gotten i had ruined my life to the point that i wouldn't be able to enjoy a glass

(00:41:52):
of champagne on my wedding day and i am so happy to say that i am not worried about

(00:41:58):
that anymore i would actually be terrified to get drunk in front of all those

(00:42:02):
people while they're staring at me all day it has been a total flip right

(00:42:07):
Yeah, I cried that I wouldn't be able to drink at my son's wedding.

(00:42:11):
I was going to be the weird mom.

(00:42:13):
And I and again, that's like so far.

(00:42:16):
It's a future tripping.

(00:42:18):
We got remarried because we only wanted to get remarried because I was pregnant at

(00:42:24):
our wedding and I wanted to drink and his mom was going to pay for a full open bar.

(00:42:29):
We could either go to a full trip to Denmark.

(00:42:32):
Or have our next wedding with a full bar paid for.

(00:42:35):
And we picked the bar wedding.

(00:42:38):
The trip to Denmark is still on the table.

(00:42:41):
I don't know.

(00:42:41):
You've got to call your mom for that one.

(00:42:44):
But that was how important it was in my life.

(00:42:49):
And that's definitely not how it is today.

(00:42:51):
Yeah.

(00:42:52):
Yeah.

(00:42:53):
There are all those little things that I know I had those thoughts and I can't remember,

(00:42:57):
but it was like,

(00:42:58):
oh,

(00:42:58):
I'm never going to be able to share a beer with Evan when he's 21.

(00:43:01):
You were sad as you cut in orange because you were like,

(00:43:06):
I just realized I will never be able to have a blue moon.

(00:43:10):
And I was like, dude.

(00:43:13):
Like,

(00:43:13):
that's what you think about when you cut oranges,

(00:43:15):
that that's like someone saying they smell the cinnamon candle and they're like,

(00:43:19):
it smells like fireball.

(00:43:20):
And it's like, no, it's cinnamon.

(00:43:22):
Like, that's just a regular flavor.

(00:43:24):
Yeah.

(00:43:26):
Not fireball.

(00:43:28):
And I was like, OK.

(00:43:30):
And this, again, is at the time where he's like not.

(00:43:32):
If you cut an orange and you automatically think of beer, there's something there.

(00:43:37):
Yeah.

(00:43:39):
I used to drink screwdrivers with my thing.

(00:43:42):
And I was out to brunch with a bunch of my friends and I had ordered an orange juice.

(00:43:47):
And I drank it and I was like, there's something wrong with this orange juice.

(00:43:51):
So I'm like making everybody taste it.

(00:43:53):
I'm like, this has gone bad.

(00:43:54):
They gave me something that's gone bad.

(00:43:56):
And eventually my friend looks at me and she's like,

(00:43:58):
do you think it's maybe just because there's no vodka in it?

(00:44:02):
And I was like, cool.

(00:44:03):
So I have now forgotten what orange juice is supposed to taste like.

(00:44:07):
Yeah, no, that's... And we just talked about that in the last... We were like,

(00:44:14):
I said, I don't miss the margaritas.

(00:44:16):
But again, I was probably making them wrong because I wanted a splash of mix.

(00:44:20):
You know, I wanted to taste all the tequila.

(00:44:24):
And if I were to taste one that were made correctly,

(00:44:27):
which I don't have any desire to,

(00:44:29):
but I'd probably be like,

(00:44:30):
this tastes weird.

(00:44:32):
And again, because I wanted full alcohol.

(00:44:34):
If I couldn't taste the alcohol, it wasn't strong enough.

(00:44:37):
Most people don't want to taste the alcohol.

(00:44:39):
Yeah.

(00:44:39):
which I didn't realize for a long time.

(00:44:42):
I was always like double, triple, whatever.

(00:44:44):
I need to like actually feel like I'm having a drink.

(00:44:48):
And that's not,

(00:44:49):
there's a reason why there's all those flavors in it because you're not supposed to

(00:44:52):
want to taste the boot.

(00:44:53):
Isn't that crazy?

(00:44:54):
Why would you want to take it?

(00:44:58):
And then I would try and get the strongest beer.

(00:45:00):
If I did have to drink to beer, I'm like, I want the 13% one.

(00:45:03):
That's like a super thick, like, and I don't even enjoy it.

(00:45:08):
I was just drinking it.

(00:45:09):
I'm like, well, if it's the highest potency and they only, this is a beer.

(00:45:14):
If they didn't have wine, because I would usually default to wine.

(00:45:17):
Yeah, I mean, it's just silly.

(00:45:19):
I think back and I'm like, the insanity I put myself through.

(00:45:25):
And there's a lot of relief in that today.

(00:45:26):
Yeah.

(00:45:29):
So it's amazing.

(00:45:30):
And it feels so much better.

(00:45:33):
So I hope that on your hundredth day, you're kind of reminiscing that it's a total change.

(00:45:39):
I mean...

(00:45:41):
Thinking about probably your first day to today, I just remember celebrating the hundred.

(00:45:46):
We just got I got a coin for a thousand days.

(00:45:49):
Oh, yeah.

(00:45:50):
You know, I would have never thought I would have made it that far.

(00:45:54):
And it's just one day at a time.

(00:45:56):
Keep sharing.

(00:45:57):
You're real.

(00:45:57):
They're awesome.

(00:45:58):
I bet they're helping a ton of people.

(00:46:00):
I can't imagine that they're not because I already see all the likes and comments on them.

(00:46:04):
And it's just really cool.

(00:46:05):
And I think you said you want to eventually start your YouTube channel,

(00:46:09):
which I think you could already do now.

(00:46:11):
You got all the equipment for it.

(00:46:14):
Well, I'd like to get a microphone.

(00:46:15):
I don't even have a microphone.

(00:46:18):
So I actually was looking for one last night.

(00:46:20):
I want to feel confident that it won't be just my mom watching.

(00:46:25):
So I'm like,

(00:46:26):
in my head,

(00:46:26):
I'm like,

(00:46:26):
I'm going to wait till I have 2,000 followers and then I'll start the YouTube channel.

(00:46:30):
I mean, even if it is.

(00:46:31):
Nothing wrong with the moms watching.

(00:46:32):
There's nothing wrong with the moms watching.

(00:46:34):
Mother-in-law will be watching this soon.

(00:46:36):
But I mean, you got to start.

(00:46:37):
You think of everyone who said, you know, Jeff Bezos started in his garage.

(00:46:42):
And did he think he was going to sell that many books?

(00:46:44):
No.

(00:46:45):
But, you know, Amazon.

(00:46:46):
Buy all the books.

(00:46:47):
She probably bought some.

(00:46:48):
And I've learned, I've learned that when I, with the, the even podcasts and podcasts,

(00:46:58):
I try to remember my why,

(00:47:00):
and that would be my advice to anyone else who's about to start a podcast or a

(00:47:04):
YouTube channel.

(00:47:05):
It's like our why is because we want to share that we do recover, that we can get sober.

(00:47:12):
If one person watches it and like it helps them get sober, like that was our only goal.

(00:47:17):
Well, I don't know.

(00:47:18):
I mean,

(00:47:18):
it would be nice if we at least got equal because we've now put all of our money

(00:47:22):
into the podcast and it's like,

(00:47:23):
OK,

(00:47:24):
where's the return?

(00:47:25):
And not at least just enough to cover the cost of like what it costs to run,

(00:47:29):
you know,

(00:47:30):
a YouTube or podcast because all these services are not free,

(00:47:34):
unfortunately.

(00:47:35):
But I mean, you can do it with minimal equipment and just remembering your why.

(00:47:39):
I think your videos look great.

(00:47:40):
Thank you.

(00:47:41):
I got a ring light for Christmas.

(00:47:42):
I'm really happy about that, actually.

(00:47:44):
It's like really helped with the lighting situation.

(00:47:46):
I have windows all along the one side of my apartment.

(00:47:49):
So I always had the spooky shadow on me.

(00:47:51):
And now I don't.

(00:47:53):
But yeah, the why is huge.

(00:47:55):
And I once in a while will get like a really nice inbox message from somebody who

(00:48:02):
I've never spoken to.

(00:48:03):
It's always like in the request folder, right?

(00:48:05):
And a few times I've had people reach out and say like,

(00:48:08):
you know, I was struggling and I was about to go to the liquor store.

(00:48:13):
And because I saw your video, I'm not going there right now.

(00:48:15):
I'm going to like give it one more day.

(00:48:17):
And like,

(00:48:17):
whenever I get a little message like that,

(00:48:19):
or someone saying like I've helped in any way,

(00:48:21):
it reminds me to like,

(00:48:24):
stop looking at the fucking view.

(00:48:26):
Stop looking at the light and just like,

(00:48:28):
keep doing this because that's why I want to be doing it.

(00:48:31):
I want to be connecting with people.

(00:48:32):
That was the whole point in the beginning.

(00:48:35):
And the more people I can help, the,

(00:48:38):
more like, you know, vindiction.

(00:48:40):
Yeah.

(00:48:42):
The better I'll feel about what I'm doing, right?

(00:48:44):
Being vulnerable is important.

(00:48:46):
It is being vulnerable.

(00:48:47):
And the way that I use the analytics and metrics,

(00:48:50):
it's like,

(00:48:51):
it kind of helps me see like what people want to hear about.

(00:48:54):
So like when I'm posting about a subject,

(00:48:56):
it's like,

(00:48:56):
okay,

(00:48:57):
what content,

(00:48:57):
what did I say in this video that like people liked so much more?

(00:49:01):
Cause that's probably what people want to hear.

(00:49:03):
it's the usually the newly sober and the funny stuff like you know

(00:49:09):
That's what people like hearing about how we like our drinks to taste more like

(00:49:13):
alcohol than,

(00:49:15):
you know,

(00:49:15):
orange juice doesn't taste right.

(00:49:16):
I just thought about has the support been different or better the same from your

(00:49:22):
friends and family from the first time you went sober to now getting sober?

(00:49:27):
Because you said now you're doing it for you.

(00:49:29):
But has your support been different or the same or better from, you know, your mom or friends?

(00:49:36):
I think it's been a lot better, but it's more it's not on anybody but me.

(00:49:41):
It's because I'm being better and more tolerable to be around.

(00:49:45):
I think the first time I got sober, I was really pissed off at my family.

(00:49:50):
I was actually like currently not speaking to a lot of them.

(00:49:54):
I was very isolated from my friends.

(00:49:57):
I didn't feel comfortable being around alcohol because I wanted it so bad.

(00:50:01):
And I was like white knuckling every day.

(00:50:04):
And so I almost like had like destroyed my own support system.

(00:50:09):
And now because I do interact with the world and I do go to family dinner,

(00:50:15):
people can be there for me.

(00:50:16):
I think letting people in has been a huge part of this as well and being open about

(00:50:22):
it and yeah,

(00:50:24):
letting people see that like I am doing better.

(00:50:27):
And I think like one thing that comes up constantly is people tell me I'm glowing

(00:50:32):
and like,

(00:50:33):
thank God I haven't had sex in a while or I'd be like so stressed that I was pregnant.

(00:50:36):
But

(00:50:38):
Yeah,

(00:50:38):
hearing that that word over and over and over again,

(00:50:41):
I'm like something from the inside is coming out.

(00:50:45):
It's not like a routine.

(00:50:47):
It's like it's my soul.

(00:50:49):
And I think that makes it easier to connect with people, too.

(00:50:54):
If you look at your eyes in old pictures,

(00:50:56):
like that was a big one for me that it's like the glow of your clear eyes.

(00:51:01):
And I mean,

(00:51:03):
obviously not putting alcohol in your body,

(00:51:05):
it will help like just naturally you're not putting a poison in your body.

(00:51:11):
So your skin does start like, but there is a certain glow about when you're like,

(00:51:16):
Again,

(00:51:16):
you're not thinking of all those other things like,

(00:51:18):
oh,

(00:51:18):
my God,

(00:51:19):
how am I going to drive home?

(00:51:20):
You're not having to think of all that stuff.

(00:51:22):
All you're thinking about is the moment you're in, you know, and that is low because you're

(00:51:27):
you're comfortable in your own skin.

(00:51:29):
And I think people can see like when you're not comfortable in your skin,

(00:51:32):
you know,

(00:51:33):
especially if you're like,

(00:51:35):
I think you're similar more to me.

(00:51:36):
You can definitely I'm in it.

(00:51:39):
You can feel my mood.

(00:51:40):
You know, even when I try not to now, it's just still I'm outspoken.

(00:51:45):
I voice my opinion.

(00:51:47):
I don't really hold back, you know, so.

(00:51:49):
Those kinds of things,

(00:51:50):
people can feel the glow because it's cool to be around someone who's comfortable

(00:51:56):
and authentic and they know what they're doing is something that they love doing.

(00:52:00):
You know that you're being happy.

(00:52:02):
You're treating your body the way you want it.

(00:52:04):
It's a crazy disease.

(00:52:09):
and it's so bad for so many parts of you is like really what I'm coming to realize

(00:52:14):
is like,

(00:52:15):
I was always so tired,

(00:52:17):
so irritable,

(00:52:18):
like nothing was regulating itself in my body the way it was supposed to.

(00:52:23):
Like I was relying on a million different drugs at all times that were,

(00:52:27):
none of them were prescribed by anybody either.

(00:52:29):
Right.

(00:52:29):
It's like, you're figuring out a way like, Hey, I need the sleeping pills.

(00:52:32):
I need the booze.

(00:52:32):
I need the weed for my anxiety.

(00:52:34):
I need to take the, have the coffee because I stayed up too late.

(00:52:37):
And,

(00:52:38):
It becomes this like horrible cocktail.

(00:52:40):
And now I can just be like,

(00:52:42):
okay,

(00:52:43):
I'm going to go to bed because I'm tired because I woke up on time today.

(00:52:47):
And then tomorrow I'll wake up on time.

(00:52:49):
And, you know, I drank my water, so I'm feeling fine.

(00:52:53):
And yeah,

(00:52:54):
it's really kind of a cool feeling after,

(00:52:57):
you know,

(00:52:58):
drinking for essentially now what's most of my life to...

(00:53:04):
just being a healthy person.

(00:53:06):
I mean, like, oh, so my body can just, you know, do this and it don't.

(00:53:13):
Yeah, it's amazing.

(00:53:14):
And that's, you know, it's only going to get better and better.

(00:53:17):
At least it did for me,

(00:53:19):
you know,

(00:53:19):
or at least it's cool that it's one day at a time that it's like,

(00:53:23):
OK,

(00:53:23):
if today was a hard day,

(00:53:25):
I just got to make it to bed.

(00:53:26):
And,

(00:53:27):
you know,

(00:53:27):
knowing that I'm going to sleep well without having to sleep was something that was

(00:53:31):
amazing for

(00:53:34):
Because I always had trouble sleeping, drinking.

(00:53:36):
And I'm like,

(00:53:37):
oh yeah,

(00:53:37):
I can make it till I hit my bed tonight and I can wake up tomorrow and it's a new day.

(00:53:42):
If you're creating even content,

(00:53:44):
it's another reason of like,

(00:53:45):
oh yeah,

(00:53:45):
well,

(00:53:45):
I want to stay sober because I want to keep doing that.

(00:53:48):
And it's...

(00:53:51):
the accountability, regulation, like everything you're saying.

(00:53:53):
I also think it's cool.

(00:53:55):
And I'm sure when we do get sober,

(00:53:57):
you find out you have these kind of hidden skills or passions that you didn't know

(00:54:02):
you have.

(00:54:03):
And I think yours is this new content creating you.

(00:54:07):
social media and wanting to do YouTube.

(00:54:09):
Because one thing I do like to ask people who are newly sober is if they've picked

(00:54:13):
up a new hobby or they're either going to the gym or playing a certain sport or

(00:54:17):
they're doing some sort of arts and crafts,

(00:54:20):
whether it's painting or music.

(00:54:23):
And I think for us and you especially, it's podcasting.

(00:54:27):
Well, that came at way later.

(00:54:29):
I know.

(00:54:29):
But you did find this kind of secret passion you didn't know you had.

(00:54:34):
Yeah.

(00:54:34):
I kind of fell back on playing tennis because that was something I grew up doing.

(00:54:38):
And it was something I always associated not drinking with.

(00:54:42):
And it was like, oh, I can go back to this old childhood passion that I had that

(00:54:47):
you know, I didn't associate with drinking.

(00:54:50):
So it kind of brought back this childhood fun for me to be able to go back and do and enjoy.

(00:54:56):
And then you figured out,

(00:54:58):
you know,

(00:54:58):
or do you have something else that you like to do or that you started doing?

(00:55:04):
Well, I think bringing up a childhood thing is huge because

(00:55:08):
A lot of things that I did when I was a kid have become fun again.

(00:55:11):
Like I was a huge bookworm and I'm now like blowing through books like I used to.

(00:55:16):
I was really athletic and now I'm back into running and I haven't missed a day at

(00:55:21):
the gym in like 70 something days.

(00:55:25):
And yeah,

(00:55:26):
it's like you fill your time with things that you're like,

(00:55:29):
oh,

(00:55:29):
I used to like doing this.

(00:55:30):
I wonder if I still do.

(00:55:31):
And it's just as fun.

(00:55:34):
Yeah, because you were not hungover.

(00:55:35):
Yeah.

(00:55:36):
Yeah.

(00:55:37):
That was one of the things for me was I didn't want to sign up for a class or anything.

(00:55:42):
Because, well, like, what if I want to drink that day?

(00:55:44):
Right.

(00:55:45):
Yeah, exactly.

(00:55:47):
And then Rachel even said you started reading more.

(00:55:50):
That was when you because you're when we were drunk, you didn't want to read.

(00:55:53):
It was too hard.

(00:55:55):
Look at all those words.

(00:55:57):
You know, it's like triple lines.

(00:55:59):
I could see triple like and I was like, this is good.

(00:56:02):
So no.

(00:56:04):
Well, even going drunk on social media was a problem.

(00:56:07):
I would delete apps sometimes if I knew it was going to be a wild night because I'm like,

(00:56:10):
I don't want to post.

(00:56:12):
Or delete friends.

(00:56:14):
I deleted a lot of friends and I had to apologize the next day and it was very awkward.

(00:56:18):
And yes, thank you.

(00:56:19):
You always bring that up.

(00:56:20):
Yes, I would delete and re-add friends because I got angry when I was drunk and I'd have to...

(00:56:26):
Once we became married and we shared family and I get mad at his family and I

(00:56:30):
delete them,

(00:56:30):
then it became weird because then Christmas is around and they're like,

(00:56:34):
oh,

(00:56:34):
so you unfriended me.

(00:56:35):
And I was like, I don't know.

(00:56:36):
I was real drunk and I'll bring it to you.

(00:56:40):
And it's like, this is not normal conversations that people have.

(00:56:43):
And then I would just drink more because I'm like, this is uncomfortable.

(00:56:47):
And I don't ever have to unfriend anyone.

(00:56:50):
I have not unfriended one person since I got sober.

(00:56:53):
What a brag.

(00:56:57):
I can relate, though.

(00:56:57):
I totally did the same thing.

(00:56:59):
And there's such an awkward feeling when you have to send that friend request.

(00:57:03):
And then they're like, oh, what happened?

(00:57:06):
I got super worked up all by myself.

(00:57:08):
And I guess I was really mad.

(00:57:10):
Just the thumb slipped on the.

(00:57:12):
Yeah.

(00:57:14):
I am grateful to say have not done that in sobriety.

(00:57:17):
So, you know, we're on a good roll right now.

(00:57:21):
So, yeah, we're good.

(00:57:23):
I don't have to apologize for things like that anymore because even if I get angry,

(00:57:28):
I never will go to the point,

(00:57:30):
or at least I should say,

(00:57:33):
I don't feel the need to like anything.

(00:57:36):
There's nothing so drastic.

(00:57:38):
You know, it was the alcoholism.

(00:57:41):
induced like and I also like drama a lot more and like today I do not care for

(00:57:47):
drama it's not my thing like we used to chant juice juice juice juice juice when we

(00:57:53):
heard like something like

(00:57:55):
Yeah, someone's got a story.

(00:57:56):
That doesn't feel good today.

(00:57:59):
I don't want to, like, enjoy someone else's trauma.

(00:58:02):
Like, I want to go find out how to re-help them.

(00:58:06):
Right?

(00:58:06):
Like,

(00:58:07):
I remember when I was doing my master's degree,

(00:58:09):
we were in a travel program,

(00:58:11):
and I was the youngest by,

(00:58:13):
like,

(00:58:13):
a lot.

(00:58:14):
Like,

(00:58:14):
11 years was the difference between me and the next oldest person,

(00:58:17):
and the oldest person in me was,

(00:58:19):
like,

(00:58:19):
a 50-year gap.

(00:58:20):
So I was this, like, little party girl, and they would basically, like,

(00:58:25):
be waiting for me at breakfast to be like what did you get up to last night you

(00:58:29):
know and i'd have like all these stories like oh i went here and i went here and

(00:58:32):
then this happened i lost my phone and it was like this like source of

(00:58:36):
entertainment for everyone and looking back i am like so incredibly embarrassed

(00:58:41):
about that like why why were they all encouraging me

(00:58:46):
Well,

(00:58:47):
you know,

(00:58:47):
again,

(00:58:48):
those are things that you just see when we look back and we're like,

(00:58:50):
well,

(00:58:51):
I don't have to do it again.

(00:58:52):
There's going to be someone who wants to ask you a question when you start your

(00:58:56):
YouTube channel,

(00:58:57):
you know,

(00:58:57):
like,

(00:58:58):
hey,

(00:58:59):
I'm going through that.

(00:58:59):
And you'll be like, oh, girl, I've been there, too.

(00:59:01):
Like, yeah, I telling in I didn't have a filter.

(00:59:04):
I would tell really uncomfortable stories and to where they're like,

(00:59:07):
Rachel,

(00:59:08):
you need to go home like no filter.

(00:59:10):
No, I did no business talking about that again.

(00:59:15):
that honest feeling in my heart is like,

(00:59:19):
if I do something out of that,

(00:59:21):
I'm immediately wanting to fix it.

(00:59:23):
Like it doesn't feel good.

(00:59:24):
So, and it sounds like that's, that's where you're at too.

(00:59:29):
So, well, keep in touch and I will, I'm going to post your Instagram in the show notes below.

(00:59:36):
Is there anything else you want me to add?

(00:59:38):
Or I think I have everything from what you filled out.

(00:59:41):
yeah as far as how people can reach out and i'm going to make clips of this and i

(00:59:45):
will send you the whole video as well so that way you can make clips if you'd like

(00:59:50):
be on the lookout for your youtube channel yeah that's exciting yeah we i don't i

(00:59:56):
haven't done a live yet in a while but i have to remind myself like just why am i

(01:00:04):
doing this and

(01:00:06):
The why helps on the hard days,

(01:00:08):
like where I don't feel like making a podcast or talking about it.

(01:00:12):
And I'm like, who am I talking to?

(01:00:14):
Well, I'm talking to the Rachel that didn't think sobriety was possible.

(01:00:20):
That's for I'm doing this because I saw other people on TikTok that were sober and

(01:00:25):
I would go delete.

(01:00:27):
undelete and then follow and unfollow because when I was drunk, I'd unfollow and get mad.

(01:00:31):
That's so funny that you bring that up.

(01:00:32):
I actually this morning was like,

(01:00:34):
because I'm like just inching on 1400 followers and I'm like so close and then like

(01:00:39):
two people unfollow me.

(01:00:41):
And like last night between like midnight and this morning,

(01:00:44):
I lost like three followers and I was like,

(01:00:46):
I get so hurt,

(01:00:47):
right?

(01:00:47):
Because I'm watching those numbers and I'm like,

(01:00:50):
Maybe they just decided they were going to drink, you know?

(01:00:53):
And it's true.

(01:00:55):
But also there's so many bots now that I got told by someone that they're like on

(01:00:59):
this bot thing.

(01:01:00):
So if you're losing people, it might not even be a real person.

(01:01:04):
And so don't get your thoughts.

(01:01:06):
It hurt my feelings too.

(01:01:07):
I'm like, we put out that we were going to do the Zoom.

(01:01:10):
And like, I got more unsubscribes than attenders.

(01:01:14):
And I was like, oh my God.

(01:01:16):
And I'm like, this is...

(01:01:18):
I was so devastated.

(01:01:20):
And I'm like,

(01:01:20):
I have to remember,

(01:01:21):
this is a niche,

(01:01:23):
you know,

(01:01:23):
like we're talking to people that they might not be sober yet.

(01:01:26):
They might be sober.

(01:01:28):
They might be struggling.

(01:01:29):
And I used to unfollow and follow.

(01:01:32):
And it's part of what got me to be sober, you know.

(01:01:36):
So it just took what it took.

(01:01:39):
I would follow, unfollow.

(01:01:41):
And she looks so happy.

(01:01:43):
And I would be

(01:01:46):
There'd be stints,

(01:01:47):
and I'm very thankful for just if we can help carry a message or something hits or

(01:01:54):
something relates,

(01:01:55):
because you really never know when it will.

(01:01:59):
All right.

(01:01:59):
Well, thank you for coming on.

(01:02:01):
Thank you, Chris.

(01:02:02):
Thank you for your time.

(01:02:03):
Thank you for listening to Sober Banter.

(01:02:04):
Chris,

(01:02:05):
we're so...

(01:02:05):
I don't want to be like,

(01:02:07):
we're so blessed,

(01:02:08):
but I do feel very grateful that...

(01:02:13):
That and Journey.

(01:02:14):
Blast and Journey are my two trigger words.

(01:02:16):
They say in sobriety.

(01:02:18):
Yes.

(01:02:19):
Okay.

(01:02:20):
Thank you.

(01:02:20):
Bye-bye.