Interior Integration for Catholics

In this episode, Dr. Peter brings together what we have been learning about receiving love in the story of Susanna

Show Notes

  1. Summary:  In this episode, Dr. Peter brings together what we have been learning about receiving love in the story of Susanna
  2. Lead-in:  There is something in us, as storytellers and as listeners to stories, that demands the redemptive act, that demands that what falls at least be offered the chance to be restored. The reader of today looks for this motion, and rightly so, but what he has forgotten is the cost of it. His sense of evil is diluted or lacking altogether, and so he has forgotten the price of restoration. When he reads a novel, he wants either his sense tormented or his spirits raised. He wants to be transported, instantly, either to mock damnation or a mock innocence.”  Catholic Novelist Flannery O'Connor
  3. Intro.  
    1. I have been doing a lot of podcast lecturing.  Dense programming, lots of information.  Like Episode 99.  Not a bad thing.  But I want you to really take in what I'm offering at a bones level.  To possess it at the felt level, to be that familiar with it.  Not just head knowledge.  Whole self knowledge.  
    2. So I am going back to another way of learning, one I haven't emphasized enough.  Stories.  Today, I am going to tell you a story.  A story about receiving different kinds of love.  Why?
    3. Here's why.  In the words of Edward Miller tells us.  “Stories are our primary tools of learning and teaching, the repositories of our lore and legends. They bring order into our confusing world."
       
      1. Our primary tools for teaching and learning.  And it's true.  We teach our children in their earliest years through stories and experiences.  Not through lectures.  

    5. I am Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist, passionate Catholic, co-founder and president of Souls and Hearts and soulsandhearts.com, and I am very pleased to with you as  your host and guide in this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, episode 101 to be your storyteller, to tell you a story.  This episode is titled A Story about Receiving Different Kinds of Love -- a story we can all related to.  
  4. Prepping for the Story
     
    1. Ways to Listen
       
      1. Listen to the Story
    2.  
      1. Listening to yourself as you listen to the Story.  
        1. What is going on inside
        2. Listen to your own parts
           
          1. Can pause the audio
        3.  
          1. Reflective space
        4.  
          1. What are your noticing
        5.  
          1. What are you resonating with in the story, what is impacting you.?
        6.  
          1. What are you rejecting
        7.  

      1. Parts -- Episode 71 A new and better way of understanding myself and others.  

      1. Needs
         
        1. Primary Conditions for Secure Attachment
           
          1. Felt sense of safety and protection -- have to go through the valley of shame, fear, anger, grief
        2.  
          1. Feeling seen, heard, known and understood -- have to tolerating being in relationship, being present.  

          1. Feeling comforted, soothed and reassured
        4.  
          1. Feeling cherished, treasured, delighted in
        5.  
          1. Feeling the other has your best interests at heart
        6.  

        1. Integrity Needs
           
          1. My need to exist and survive 

          1. My need to matter
        3.  
          1. My need to have agency
        4.  
          1. My need to be good
        5.  
          1. My need for mission and purpose in life
        6.  


      1. Resistance to Being Loved from IIC 99 
        1. Limited vision and lack of imagination, leading to a refusal to be transformed by God
        2. We don't understand God's love
        3. The Costs of Being Loved by God
        4. Poor God images
        5. Poor Self images -- Shame
        6. Refusal to be vulnerable, to be exposed, to be revealed to God. 
        7. Lack of courage.
        8. Anger at God -- rebellion

    1. Cautions -- could be evocative for you -- parts of you may really connect in various ways.  I want you to take care of your self and your parts as you listen to the story.  If you need a break, take a break.  
  6. The Story -- Hero's Journey outline
     
    1. The Ordinary World
       
      1. Susanna -- 40 year old married mother of three -- 
        1. Brown hair, warm brown eyes, and easy smile, she laughs at your jokes -- the kind of person that you immediately felt comfortable with.  Open and engaging with other people, was well read, and could talk about your interests.  Socially adept, she coordinated making meals for local women who had babies.  Had a sense that she had suffered in her life and understood something about suffering.  And that was true

      1. Life wasn't always easy for Susanna
         
        1. Grew up in Culpeper, VA, 75 miles west of Washington DC, oldest of four children, all girls.  Named Susan.  

        1. Mother -- quiet, introverted - an interior designer turned homemaker.  
        2. Father -- extroverted, warm, gregarious high school teacher - taught algebra, geometry and trigonometry at Culpeper County High School  -- great sense of humor, gratifying, and a pretty easy grader, students loved him and he really liked being a popular teacher.  
          1. Strong sense that father had favorites among the daughters, and she wasn't one of them  
        3. When Susan was age 16, her mother divorced her father -- his affairs, excessive drinking
           
          1. Mother devastated.  Really wanted her daughter to understand.  Susanna was cold.  

          1. Read the divorce decree "Irreconcilable differences"  And she was so angry
        5.  
          1. At an emotional level, Susan repudiated both Mom and Dad.  Not understanding, not wanting to understand.  

          1. Decided to go by "Susanna" -- three reasons
             
            1. Devoted to the Chronicles of Narnia -- The last book of the series, The Last Battle.  Aslan says "Susan is no longer a friend of Narnia."  Given to nylons, lipstick, and party invitations -- she didn't seem serious  any more.  

            1. Susan was her given name -- she wanted different name, but not too different
          3.  
            1. In the Bible, in Daniel chapter 13, Susanna was the beautiful, faithful wife of Joakim.  She refused to be blackmailed into adultery by two respectable men of high stature in the community, two judges, who just happened to have also be voyeurs, peeping-Toms.  Susanna preferred death by denunciation rather than compromise her moral principles, and was saved by a young boy, Daniel, whose clever cross-examination of the accusers revealed them to be liars.  Susanna was a real heroine in her eyes, someone to be emulated.  


        8. Shuttling back and forth between parents, who were drifting from the Faith. 
          1. Mom pursued an annulment got it, and remarried the summer after Susanna's graduation from high school.  Susanna refused to be in the bridal party, refused to go to the wedding. 
        9. Like many teenagers in this position, Susan rebelled.  But not by using alcohol, drugs or sex.  Susan rebelled by becoming more Catholic -- 
        10. Went to Christendom college, it was close, it was Catholic.  She was determined to make a new life there.  Leave the old life behind.  Came home to see her parents as little as possible, focused on her sisters when she did come home.  Very uncommunicative with Mom and Dad.  

      1. Christendom is where she met Brett, who eventually became her husband.  
        1. Mathematics major, got into computer programming. 
        2. Very introverted, not very social.  Not socially awkward, exactly, but not at all inclined to parties and large groups.  
        3. Home based -- independent contractor.  
        4. High income
        5. Fantasy Role playing Games.  

      1. Children
         
        1. 16 year old Savannah, her oldest -- now driving and asserting her independence.  

        1. 13 year old Trevor -- athlete, mechanically talented, liked woodworking
      3.  
        1. 10 year old Micah -- still really cute and cuddly with Mom, starting to play volleyball and very into play dates with her friends.  



    1. The Call to Adventure
       
      1. Had been a freelance writer, mostly for Catholic publications, small but dedicated following. Made a little money.  

      1. Fr. Brownlee, the pastor asks her if she would consider being the assistant for ministry outreach at their suburban mega-parish.  Part time position.  
        1. Ray de la Cruz, the director for ministry outreach needed and assistant, just 10-15 hours per week, a lot of writing and some event planning, event management.  
        2. Fr. Brownlee, the pastor, love to have you on board, consider it -- Office at the parish, near the parish grade school, close to her two youngest kids.  A fit for her charisms.  


    1. Refusing the Call to Adventure
       
      1. She has a comfortable life, deciding not to do it.  Likes her home.  

      1. Brett starting to have some odd heart problems.  High blood pressure for years, stress of hitting deadlines.  Not doing as well.  Strange bodily symptoms, heart racing, no biological causes found.  Sometimes off of work for a week at a time, income not so stable.  
        1. Gnawing anxiety about that -- his father and grandfather had both died young.  She wasn't confident that she could handle the family finances if he died or became incapacitated.  Pushing it out of her mind.  
        2. Conflict increasing at home, especially between Trevor and Brett.  

      1. Need for human contact, writing getting lonely.  Brett not very good company right now, irritable, sad.   

      1. Maybe she does have something to offer.  Kids are more independent now, very busy.  


    1. Meeting the Mentor
       
      1. Ray, the director of ministry outreach -- really dynamic guy, lots of positive energy.  Brought in six months ago to revitalize the ministry outreach and find ways to really reach people, bring them more alive in the Faith.  

      1. Lots of initiatives across the different demographics of the parish.  Just needed a little help.  

      1. Susanna didn't know him well.  But from her vantage point, she did appreciate how he motivated people, how he stayed on his message of getting people to pray, to spend time with the Lord.  The Eucharistic Adoration chapel at the parish had been pretty moribund, but now it was lively, and teenagers from the youth groups were regularly taking hours in front of the Lord, even her daughter Savannah.  Ray was direct, straight-talking and had just come from significant success as an assistant VP in a mid-size marketing firm, but now was looking for more meaning and purpose in his life.  He was 38, had a few years in diocesan seminary, discerned out, and had never married.  He was doing an amazing outreach with the Latino community in the parish as well.  

      1. In the initial interview with Ray about the position, Susanna felt uplifted and supported.  She sensed that Ray was interested in her life, her background.  He discussed how he wanted to craft the position around the person -- around her -- capitalizing on her strengths, gifts, charisms, and not trying to fit her to some procrustean bed of a rigid position description.  And he really wanted to make sure that the position, if she took it, fostered her spiritual life.  "We have a start-up spirit here, not your same old parish corporate Catholicism" he said, laughing.  He was a fan of Dynamic Catholic and Matthew Kelly, had his books handy, Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic was his favorite book, he told her.  So much in there we can learn to put in practice here.  

      1. Let me think about it.  Give me two weeks.  "OK, Susanna, you have two weeks.  Take all the time you need.  I'll be praying for you.  Just don't forget about me, OK, get in back in touch when you are ready."  

      1. If I am going to step back out in the world, I would want the position to support my spiritual life, foster my prayer life, help me toward holiness.  I would want someone in my corner, Susanna thought.  Someone who really had my back, someone that would advocate for me, some who understood me.  I need that.  If I start working outside our home again, I would need a supervisor who actually cares about me as a person not just what I can do for them.  Then with just a little twinge, a feeling she couldn't quite identify, the next thought came.  Someone like Ray.  She corrected herself.  Mr. De la Cruz.  


    1. Crossing the Threshold
       
      1. Ten days later she came back to the parish offices met  Ray and Fr. Brownlee in Ray's office and said, I'm in, but here's the caveat.  I want to try it for 90 days, see how it goes -- family life, how this sits with Brett, it's been a long while since I've been working in the world.  

      1. All right, Ray said, his face lighting up.  Let's do this -- and no worries, Susanna, this parish isn't the world,  You'll be working in the Church, not the world.  Fr. Brownlee shook her hand and smiled.  Have Martha onboard you with all the employment paperwork, she'll walk you through all that tedium.  I will let you and Ray figure out the details about how to work together, I trust you both, I have to go, financial reports for the Archdiocese are waiting.  You know how to reach me if you need something.  God bless.  

      1. Let's start with prayer, said Ray.  And without waiting for her to answer, he prayed out loud, thanking God for the parish, for Fr. Brownlee, for the outreach work, the work of evangelization, for the beauty of the day, and for Susanna joining the staff, bringing all her gifts and talents and her whole being to the team.  Then he made the sign of the cross.  

      1. All right, Ray said again, let's shake on the deal.  He held out his hand and she shook it, and felt a ripple of electricity surges up her arm as he gave her a quick squeeze before releasing.  She felt excited, was she really happy?  She hadn't sensed such an uplift in a long time.  I must have gotten older than my years somehow, she thought to herself.  She smiled warmly at him and he laughed again and asked "what's your schedule for today?
    5.  

    1. Test, Allies, Enemies
       
      1. The next six month seemed like a whirlwind to Susanna.  

      1. She absolutely embraced the parish work. Her confidence rose week by week.  Ray was able to find just the right growing edges for her, to really stretch her but not overwhelm her.  They read passages from Matthew Kelly's book "The Dream Manager" and brainstormed together about her professional development.  
        1. Susanna did most of the planning for the eighth grade retreat, and her son Trevor said that all his friends at school thought it was the best retreat ever.  
        2. Susanna connected with Martha, the parish administrative assistant and Sharon, the school principal, who also took an interest in her and appreciated her eating lunch with the students including Trevor and Micah on occasion.  
        3. And she made a lot of mistakes, there was a steep learning curve for Susanna.  Ray laughed them off with one or more of his inexhaustible supply of quotes.  
          1. For the eighth grade graduation supper, Susanna caused great commotion with a caterer -- Susanna had made several errors in placing the order and then alienated the caterer in her frantic attempts to force everything to work out.  Multiple different entrees had to be prepared in an emergency, the food quality suffered and worst of all, all Trevor's classmates knew it was Susanna's fault.  The caterer complained about Susanna to the pastor and the auxiliary bishop.  
          2. Susanna felt terrible, ashamed, and guilty.  Ray wasn't fazed by it at all. He just quoted the business magnate Richard Branson  who said "You don't learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing, and by falling over."  
          3. That was so refreshing for Susanna, who ever since her parents' divorce had been so focused on not making mistakes.  She began to realize that she saw her parents' divorce as a huge mistake, she never wanted to make a mistake like that, and the best way to avoid making such a huge mistake was to make no mistakes at all.  She began to feel more free, like the world was a little more spacious.  
      2. At Ray's insistence, Susanna had dispensed with calling him Mr. De la Cruz after the first meeting.  My name's Raimundo, but just call me Ray.  Everyone does." And everyone did, even the school kids and the youth of the parish.  
      3. Ray seemed to have unbounded energy and no end of creative ideas.  He also took prayer seriously -- Early in the morning, Susanna would see him in the Adoration chapel.  He invited her to pray with him before they met to discern and discuss plans.  He inquired about her prayer life -- and let her know that he was continuing to pray for her, that she be a saint.  He asked her to pray for him.  And amazing things were happening in the parish.  Ray was a dynamic motivational speaker, especially for the teenagers and the young adults, and he had a way of connecting with the men of the parish as well.  He had a remarkable ability to remember names.  Susanna found herself admiring him.  
      4. She grew more and more curious about him, and what made him tick, where did he get all the energy and enthusiasm?  He never seemed to have a bad day.  He had the full support of the pastor and a lot of autonomy.  
      5. Her daughters noticed that Mom was happier and busier.  Her husband Brett seemed to be noncommittal about her working at the parish.  But he was in his funk still, and Susanna began to wonder if he might be depressed.  It was hard to know, he was so hard to reach in so many ways.  
      6. Her own prayer life was growing -- the challenges she was facing encouraged her to pray.  And now she had two teenagers, with their trials and their hormones to deal with.  Trevor, now in high school, occasionally would ask "How's it going for you, Mom at work.?  How's Ray?"  Susanna found herself tongue-tied trying to explain what her work was like to Trevor.  
      7. Susanna experienced some confusion and a vague sense of guilt about her marriage.  She struggled with how to love Brett, who so needed space and whose love languages seemed so different from hers.   He seemed even more uncomfortable with touch than in years past, with physical affection unless he had been drinking.  She had a sense that he didn't fully approve of her working at the parish, but he would not come out and say what he thought.  He was so indirect.  Why could that man not support her in something that she found joy and purpose and meaning in?  It troubled her.  
      8. Very gradually, over time, Ray became even more casual and familiar in his conversation with Susanna.  Sometimes he would call her "Susanita" and playfully refer to Susanna as his "guiding star" when she had a particularly creative idea.  He had an amazing vocabulary in multiple languages.  Once in a while, when he was in a particularly warm mood, he would refer to her with terms of affection in other languages -- querida, cara, carino, mon chéri.  She asked him about that.  He responded with a big smile and his arms open wide, I'm from Puerto Vallarta in Jalisco, We talk like that there, they are just ways of expressing friendship and connection.  And I consider you more than just my assistant.  I think we are spiritual friends -- at least I hope we are.  Like St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane de Chantal.  But hey, if it bothers you, I won't use those words,  I can just call you Susanna.  No problem."  "No, no it's ok, I kind of like it.."  Great, said Ray.  Susanna, I just want to be a Ray of sunshine in your life, and he laughed heartily at his own play on words.  But those words stayed with Susanna and echoed in her memory.   A Ray of sunshine in my life.   
      9. Three weeks later, at the end of the day.  Susanna stopped by Ray's office to drop off a file and saw him head down in his chair, shaking.  "Ray?"  "Ray, are you all right?"  He took his hands from his face, eyes streaming with silent tears. "No."  "I'm not all right."  "I'm very not right."  Susanna immediately pulled up a chair next to his, and instinctively she reached out to take his right hand in both of hers.  "Ray, it's OK.  Ray, what is it?"  Ray's breathing was labored and his body shuddered.  "I'm glad you're here, I am so glad you're here. Susanna. Just stay with me for a while.  With his free hand he wiped tears from his eyes and looked at her.  "Ray, what's wrong?"  Ray broke off eye contact, looked over her head at the wall. 
         "I can't tell you what's wrong, Susanna.  I can't."  "I'm so alone, I am so lonely."  He looked at her again.  "I can't tell you how lonesome I am."  He looked down at their hands joined together -- "Do you know it's been four days since anyone has touched me?"  And he sobbed silently, rocking back and forth in his chair looking so wounded, looking so broken, looking like a little lost, abandoned boy.  
      10. Susanna's heart was so full of emotion, and she was acting on impulse.  She disengaged her right hand and put her arm around his shoulders holding him with just enough pressure to slow his rocking down.  
      11. Look at me, she said to him.  He looked into her eyes.  She said -- You are my Ray of Sunshine.  Remember that."  Then fear flooded through her and she ran out to her car without her coat or purse in a cold and dark mid-December mist.  Her mind was reeling and she tried to recollect herself in the driver's seat.  What had just happened?  What was going on? 
      12. She turned the key, the car started.  I need some music she said, and turned on the radio.  Savannah had tuned in last to an 80s station, and the DJ was saying, up next, Dan Fogelberg's top 10 hit from 1981, Same Auld Lang Syne.  Met my old lover in the grocery store. The snow was falling Christmas Eve I stood behind her in the frozen foods. And I touched her on the sleeve.  And then her tears flowed.  And from deep within her, a very, very young voice was crying out over and over again "I want to go home."  "I want to go home" as Dan sang on.   Two minutes later the lyrics pierced her like a spear when Dan was singing She said she'd married her an architect, Who kept her warm and safe and dry, She would've liked to say she loved the man, But she didn't like to lie.  Susanna clawed the driver's door open leaned over and threw up on the asphalt.  She shut the radio off in the middle of the saxophone solo, slammed the transmission into reverse and spun her tires on the wet pavement backing out of there, away from the parish, away from Ray, away from anywhere, just to get away.  
      13. I love Brett, Susanna insisted to herself, as she drove.  I love my husband.  I do.  I am faithful to him.  I love my husband.  
      14. But another voice, low and soft, almost gentle, said, Yes, you do.  Yes you do.  But are you sure Brett is your husband?  Of course Brett is my husband.  We're married.  We were married on October 10, we made vows to each other.  "Yes, you did.  You did.  You made a vow.  And Brett said the words too.  Maybe Brett made a vow, if he was actually capable of making a vow.  Maybe.  But, Susanna, you know that Brett is on the spectrum don't you?  What's the term Functioning autistic?  He has been since he was little.  Come now, listen to me.  How often does he look at you?  How well does he understand you, really?  Or connect with you emotionally, relationally?  What about how he shrinks from your touch so often?  How he is so, so  introverted?  How he lives so much in a fantasy world in his role playing games with anonymous gamers from all over the world?  Let's be honest, Susanna, about Brett, it's about time.  
      15. And let's be honest about you, too.  Why you wanted him for a husband.  Did you want to love him out of charity -- really?  How has that been going, you loving him?  Isn't it true that what you really wanted was your own safety, security, his income?  And isn't it true that you so desperately wanted to not depend on either of your parents, but you weren't ready to stand on your own two feet?   Shut up, shut up, shut up.  Susanna, Don't you know that you actually love Ray?  Are you that blind?  You have loved Ray for months now, but you still you won't admit it.  Didn't you just prove that, holding hands with him, your arm around him?  Your Ray of Sunshine.  Shut up, shut up, shut up!
      16. I'm going crazy, Susanna thought.  I am going round the bend.  Could it be that Brett was too impaired to marry me?  Could there be any truth to that?  She remembered several Catholic friends and acquaintances who after their civil divorces had applied for declarations of nullity for their marriages from the Archdiocesan Tribunal.  All of them were granted.  
      17. That was a long evening back at home.  Susanna told the kids and Brett she wasn't feeling well, skipped supper and went to bed where she lied awake in the darkness in the chaos of her thoughts.  
      18. The next morning she was supposed to meet with Fr. Brownlee and Ray at 9:00-- she considered calling in sick, but she knew she would have to face Ray again at some point.  She arrived at the conference room exactly at 9 -- she didn't want to be late, but she didn't want to be early.  Ray was there, looking like his old self.  He told her Fr. Brownlee is running a little late.  Hey, Susanna, about yesterday -- I'm sorry about being a hot mess.  I'm not usually like that, I know I probably made you uncomfortable.  Susanna found herself saying, no, Ray, it's OK, really, I was glad to help, and taking in his smile.  Thank you, Susanita.  Thank you.  We're OK?  Yes, Ray, we're OK.  OK. I just want to thank you for all you did for me.  You can't possibly know how much you helped me.  You were a gift from God, no really, a gift.  I thank God for you.  You were so attuned to just what I needed.  Can I give you just a little hug, to thank you, my spiritual friend, my sister in Christ?  It's hard for me to express everything that's in my heart for you just in words alone.  
      19. And Susanna, speechless, gave the slightest of nods before being enfolded in Ray's arms.  Her body felt electrified as he held her, she felt his body warm and firm and strong against hers, he was smiling down at her, just for those three seconds, and then felt the ache of longing as he let her go, saying, Thank you, mon cherie. Please don't tell anyone how you found me, yesterday.  Let's keep that between us, please, I am still embarrassed by my weakness and vulnerability.  
      20. And at that moment, before she could respond Fr. Brownlee's steps sounded in the corridor, and they separately quickly as they heard his customary hearty greeting, his Pax Vobiscum preceding him from the hallway.  They sat down around the table and started with the business items of the day.  
      21. After that, their hugs became more frequent and longer.  They prayed together in the chapel.  Sometimes, they furtively held hands, with God's approval, Ray said, as God's beloved children would and siblings who loved each other, Ray said.  But they did hide it, because others wouldn't understand their relationship, as Ray said.  
      22. They were having lunch in the break room of the parish center -- instead of at the school cafeteria -- Susanna asked Ray once more what he was crying that late afternoon -- if he felt up to talking about it.  Ray said he was grieving.  Grieving what?  Grieving for himself.  For his situation.  Did you ever see the musical Man of la Mancha?  When Don Quijote sang the Impossible Dream.  She wasn't familiar with the song.  They were alone -- so in a low voice, he sang the first few lines for her. 

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right, the un-rightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
  1. And this was why I was grieving -- I was grieving you.  That all I could do in my love for you, all I could do was to love you, pure and chaste, from afar.  We were never going to be close in the way I wanted, in the way I hoped you wanted, it was just going to be frustration and pain and sacrifice and suffering -- But you Susanna -- you showed me another way -- in that dark hour of despair, you reached out and touched me, took my hand, made it all right.  You had the presence, you were so able to find a way I could not see for us to be together, for us to love each other and it be right and good.  So now it's out there, Susanna Richards.  I, Raimundo de la Cruz, your Ray of Sunshine, I love you.  I will always love you.  Whether you love me or not, I will always love you.  Like in Wendell Berry's novel Jayber Crow -- How Jayber loved Mattie Chatham in the way he did, pure and chaste from afar, because Mattie was married to Troy. Jayber was more faithful and true to Mattie than Troy ever was.  And Ray leaned back and held his arms wide and said.  I love you this big much, mon cherie and laughed.  You don't have to say anything Susanita, it's all right.  I know this is a lot to take in. I'm OK with whatever your decide.  I've decided for me. I've sorted it out on my end, I am at peace.  I've made my commitment.  I will devote my life to you, in love, in whatever way you permit, in whatever way you allow.  I am all yours to take or to leave.  You are my Dulcinea, my querida.  
  2. And like a moth to the flame, Susanna was drawn in deeper and deeper.  At the time, the her increasing enmeshment with Ray felt inexorable but later in the clarity of retrospect, she knew it wasn't.  Eventually they had sex on a wrestling mat in storeroom by the school gym.  So much shifted in both of them after that.  For a few weeks after that, they tried to "make the relationship work".  It didn't work.  Two months after his initial conquest of her, Ray's quote eternal love end quote fizzled out.  His idealized Dulcinea image of her faded, and he moved on, decided to leave his ministry position at the parish and moved to another state.  
  3. Susanna also quit her job and entered into a deep depression, filled with shame and guilt.  Brett and the kids were worried, they had never seen her like this.  Who am I?  She kept saying to herself.  Who am I?  She was walking downtown that Saturday afternoon on her way from the parking garage to the Catholic bookstore, to find a confirmation gift for her niece as she struggled with her identity.   You know what you are, said the soft, silky voice. You know what you are.  An adulterer.  A whore.   You are Susan.  Not Susanna.  Susanna was the one who resisted seduction, was willing to die rather than enter into adultery.  Don’t you remember?  You are not her.  Then hardest cut of all You are just like your father.  You should die. Death will bring you release, Susan, do you know that?  What do you have to live for now? To the be the adulterous wife of Brett who you don't love and who doesn't want you?  To be the whore mother of your children, infecting them with your vice?  Can't you be humble enough, even now, to know that they are better off without you?  End it all now, Susanna.  It would be so easy, there's nothing to it…
  4. Approach to the Inmost Cave and the Ordeal
     
    1. At that exact same time on Saturday afternoon, In the little coastal town of Barra Grande, halfway between Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paulo in southeastern Brazil, a 10 year old girl felt an inspiration to pray for whoever might be in most need right now, maybe a lady who was really sad, a lady who needed help.  Her prayer went up to heaven like incense and Susanna did not throw herself into the traffic on that busy street, but made it to the Catholic bookstore, looking a little disheveled.  The cashier noticed her as she came in and gave a faint smile and a halfhearted greeting-- she thought the lady did not look well, but at least she clearly was not one of the homeless people that had been so inconvenient lately.  

    1. In her numbness and distress, dwelling on Who am I?  Susanna noticed she was thirsty.  Weird, to notice that right now.  It made sense.  She hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day.  It doesn't matter.  Nothing matters anymore.  She walked up through the aisle on prayer, and a slim green volume caught her eye.  Thirsting for Prayer.  Fr. Jacques Phillipe.  She reaches, takes it off the shelf.  

    1. On page 20, she reads "Over and above our sins and failings, we discover that we are God's children. God loves us as we are, with an absolutely unconditional love and it is this love that gives us our deepest identity." Something moved within her. She flipped to page 22 and read: It is a deep aspiration of every man (and, still more, every woman!) to feel uniquely loved. Not loved in a general way, as one of a large group, but appreciated in our uniqueness. This is what the father's love brings about. Each of us can experience that in his eyes we are loved, chosen by God, in an extremely personal way. We often have the feeling that God loves us in a general way: he loves all men, I'm one of them, so he must take a bit of interest in me. But being loved in a " global" way, as one item in the collection, cannot satisfy us. And then to page 23 "Each of us is every right to say: "God loves me as he loves nobody else in the world!" God does not love two people in the same way because it is actually his love that creates her personality, a different personality for each." 

    1. And then, for the first time in many months, the sobs came, racking, heaving sobs.  This is who I am.  This is who I am!  This is who I am.  A beloved daughter of God.   The cashier heaved herself out of her chair and peered into the aisle.  Ma'am?  Are you OK? But received no answer from Susanna.  The cashier shrugged and went back to her chair to work on her Sudoku puzzle.  The store manager came over and asked the cashier in a low voice what was going on.  She replied sardonically that he had a major clean up to tend to in aisle 4.  

    1. Then Susanna was up on her feet and moving fast to the door. She stopped momentarily to ask the manager and cashier -- is there a Catholic church nearby?  Yes, there's one two blocks north, just go right, and then straight up, can't miss it, Mass is in 50 minutes.  Thank you, thank you and she hurried out -- Ah, do you want to pay for the book?  I'm so sorry, I'm a bit beside myself.  Susanna threw a $20 bill on the counter and ran out.  

    1. At St. Patrick's Parish, the new pastor Fr. Jennings was eyeing James, the volunteer guitar player and song leader for the 5:00 PM Mass. James, who he he had inherited with the parish in the reassignment two weeks ago.  James was in his mid-60s, with a grey ponytail, limited musical talent, and a overweening penchant for Marty Haugen tunes, the very ones that Fr. Jennings most despised.  What James lacked in accurate pitch he made up for with increased volume.  And James had not followed through on the music they had agreed on for last week's Mass, substituting songs that seemed to him as better to sing in the moment, ones the congregation was familiar with and loved.  Much better than the dry hymns this new pup of a pastor wanted.  Fr. Jennings told himself to remember that James was also a beloved son of God as he moved in for the confrontation.  

    1. But at that moment, a woman burst into the church.  Father, will you hear my confession?  Yes, I would be glad to.  And truth be told, Fr. Jennings appreciated a reprieve from the messy business of dealing with James.  

    1. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.  It's been six months or so since my last confession.  And then it all poured out, twelve and a half minutes of heart rending sin and sorrow as Susanna's mascara completed its journey to her chin, borne by tears of both sorrow and joy.  Her hatred for her parents, her pride, the adultery with Ray, it all came out.  And as the priest gave the absolution, the Magdalene smiled.  

  13. The Ordeal
     
    1. Susanna left the confessional with three things. A huge sense of relief, a strong sense of mission and a business card for a counselor in the city.  The priest strongly recommended that she see this counselor Sandra, one whom he knew and trusted.  With the suicidal crisis over for now, a whole new set of questions emerged.  How should she tell Brett about Ray?  Should she tell him at all?   The priest had stressed the point that much of her struggle was in the natural realm - in her history, in her upbringing, and that all needed to be addressed.  She needed some professional help.  

    1. Susanna looked Sandra up.  Sandra looked young, really young.  She found another one, a Dr. Waldron, a psychologist in his late 60s nearing retirement and started therapy with him.  .  It didn’t go well.  She felt blamed and judged by this man who seems more interested in catechizing her than listening.  It lasted two sessions and she fired him.   

    1. She connected with Sandra and entered into deep work.  She learned that everyone has parts within them -- constellations of feelings and thoughts and desires.  Sometimes parts blend.  

    1. She was able to connect with her managers
       
      1. A Good Girl Part who always wants her to do the right thing and grew exhausted and hopeless when she could not prevent the affair with Ray.  

      1. An inner critic who tries to help her by riding her and cutting her down in the hope that she will be good enough to be loved
    3.  
      1. A stuff-it-down manager who represses other parts out of a deep fear that they will overwhelm her
    4.  
      1. A keep-it-safe avoiding part that steers clear of potential trouble and works to minimize the risk of being negatively evaluated by others.  


    1. And over time she was able to connect with the exiled parts within her
       
      1. A part that wanted to be loved by her father, who so missed her father.  She realized that this part's impulses and desires were fueling so much of her interactions with Ray, because this part saw so much of her father in Ray.  The parts believed that if she were to win Ray's love, it would fill her father needs.  

      1. Another exile that felt so much shame about not being able to keep her parents' marriage from falling apart, who felt responsible for the divorce. Her Good Girl part and her inner critic were both focused on silencing this part.  This part just wanted to be able to go home to be loved by Mom and Dad.  

      1. A part filled with rage toward her parents and who hated God for giving her those parents 


    1. She discovered parts of her that hated her husband and parts of her that were fond of him.  Both could be true.   

    1. As parts gave her space, she was able to discover her innermost self -- her innermost self was able to emerge and begin to lead and guide her system, and innermost self with beautiful qualities.  

    1. And as she became more integrated inside, her experience of herself began to make sense.  For the first time.  

    1. She realized the when she was tempted by the devil, the devil was trying to co-opt the most alienated parts of her, the one who would be most susceptible to his influence.  Then if those parts could take over and drive her bus, great harm would result.  

    1. It was painful work.  She felt in her bones what Fr. Jacques Philippe wrote on page 19 of her book:  The negative aspect has to do with her sin, our deep-seated wretchedness. We only know these things truthfully in the light of God. Face-to-face with him, there is no longer any possible room for lies; no invasion, no excuse, no mask. We are compelled to recognize who we are, with their wounds, our weaknesses, or inconsistencies, selfishness, hard-heartedness, secret complicity with evil, and all the rest.
    2. But with that work came a sense of peace and joy, of being loved by God and Mary in all her parts.  A realization that all her parts were good.
       
      1. A knowing that her parents did not have to love her any more than they did.  God the Father and Mary her Mother are her primary parents.  

      1. Susanna was able to get in touch with Life-Giving Wounds to work through the impact of her parents' divorce in a retreat and in a local chapter.  

    5. And she began to pray and related with God and Mary in a completely different way.  
      1. Good girl:  I don't have to give up Catholicism.  I just have to give up my flawed understanding of Catholicism. 
  23. The Rewards
     
    1. She feared Brett would be devastated when she told him.  He seemed more relieved.  Trevor had told Brett that he thought Mom and Ray had been having an affair.  Trevor had heard rumors and seen some interactions that made him suspicious.  That was a blow to Susanna, that the affair was not nearly so secret as she imagined.  

    1. Brett and Susanna were able to find a marital therapist to begin to work on their marriage in a more focused way.  Not easy, there were limitations.  

  26. The Road Back
     
    1. She hates her husband and loves him.  Lots of work with the children.  Trevor's anger.  

    1.  A sense of Providence.  

  29. Resurrection / Return
     
    1. Two years later -- she was knocking at the door of her childhood home in Culpeper.  Her father answered, surprised to see her.  It's good to see you -- will you come in?  he asked.  She smiled at him and said:  It's good to see you too, Dad.  And for the first time in more than a quarter century, she meant it.  

  31. Take a minute.  
  32. Feedback welcome
     
    1. What you thought
  33.  
    1. Your own story -- send it to me -- crisis@soulsandhearts.com
  34.  
  35. IIC 102  
    1. The Last podcast, episode 100 was a great success in spite of some real technical failure.  We have a learning curve with our technology, and we know some of you were not able to join us.  We have resolved those issues.  We will be meeting on Wednesday, December 14 from 8:00 PM to 9:00 PM Eastern time to record and experiential exercise on parts getting the love that they need. Need to register, here is a link, can get the link from our weekly reflections in your email inbox or in our archive at soulsandhearts.com/blog.  
  36. Imagine how Susanna's experience would have been different if she had known about parts before encountering Ray -- or before marrying Brett?  Resilient Catholic Community -- you do not have to be alone.   
    1. 120 Catholics like you already on board, already on the pilgrimage
    2. Reopened December 1 -- new cohort, our St. Dymphna cohort.  Until December 31.  Check it out.  Had a great meeting on December 1 and we will posting the recording very soon if it's not up already.  
      1. Sign up soulsandhearts.com/rcc -- lots of information there
    3. I've brought together the best
    4. Get to know your own parts
    5. Get to love your own parts
    6. If interested, contact me.  
      1. Crisis@soulsandhearts.com
      2. 317.567.9594 conversation hours 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern Time Every Tuesday and Thursday.  (not November 24 which is Thanksgiving).  
 
  1. Upcoming
     
    1. Sign up for the weekly reflection
  2.  
 
 

What is Interior Integration for Catholics?

The mission of this podcast is the formation of your heart in love and for love, Together, we shore up the natural, human foundation for your spiritual formation as a Catholic. St. Thomas Aquinas asserts that without this inner unity, without this interior integration, without ordered self-love, you cannot enter loving union with God, your Blessed Mother, or your neighbor. Informed by Internal Family Systems approaches and grounded firmly in a Catholic understanding of the human person, this podcast brings you the best information, the illuminating stories, and the experiential exercises you need to become more whole in the natural realm. This restored human formation then frees you to better live out the three loves in the two Great Commandments – loving God, your neighbor, and yourself. Check out the Resilient Catholics Community which grew up around this podcast at https://www.soulsandhearts.com/rcc.