well
hello all you beautiful people
you know what time it is
[Music]
ladies and gents
guys and dolls and everyone in between
gather round
get you something real nice to sip on
and comfy to slip on
because it's time
for smut club
here's your hosts chelsea and hannah
[Music]
hey everybody and welcome to smut club
with chelsea and hannah
hi hi friends we're so glad you're here
um we were having a conversation
recently about
wanting to give you a name other than
friends so we were kind of going between
like
smut puppies and smut [ __ ] yeah my
husband's vote is for smut [ __ ]
maybe we could just do like
a variety between them
or like a scale like maybe like
smut puppy is like you've dipped your
toe in and then you're a [ __ ] pup
yeah and then you're a smut [ __ ] yes
you guys let us know
let us know if you want to be called any
of those because consent is important
and it matters yeah and
you know names are also important and we
don't want to give you a name you hate
honestly my husband's just really
excited about shirts that say smut [ __ ]
on them and have
uh
flowers and [ __ ] in his words on them
it fee like smut [ __ ] feels to me like
something that you would find in an
adult coloring book
surrounded by some flowers yeah
i could see that i had this really sweet
co-worker in nashville i actually had a
lot of very sweet co-workers but one of
the funniest things i ever saw was one
like
i adore her she curses like a sailor
every every word out of her mouth is a
swear word and so another really really
sweet co-worker was like oh yeah i got
you an adult coloring book that i saw
and like gives her this like swear word
coloring book and then she's like i got
myself one as well and the one she got
for herself was like bible verses
like dubs and crosses we're like
were you trying to send a message it's
very sweet
is it it really was oh okay no it was
but we were sitting there i just
remember walking in and the girl who
swore a lot she's like
can you see the difference between the
two and i was like listen y'all are both
in church every sunday live your lives
yeah you do you do your thing i don't
think god gives a [ __ ] about your
colorful language
if i'm being completely truthful yeah i
mean not to get into a theological
debate about it but i feel like he has
bigger fish to fry
to multiply you mean bigger fish to
multiply
hmm
yep i don't know if everyone will find
that joke funny that is a very uh on the
nose loaves and fishes joke
and also i wouldn't say that's um that's
the same sort of on the nose as the rest
of the podcast
no
this is a different sort of on the nose
um we're not afraid to fully send it in
any direction no we will follow where
this mut takes us ultimately well and so
hannah has um read read a book where
this smut is taking us
on a very interesting journey i haven't
had a chance to read this yet but when
she texts me and she's like this is the
title of the book i was like holy [ __ ]
please read it asap and report back yes
so the title of this book is that time i
got drunk and saved a demon
um it is by kimberly lemming this is her
debut
book
what a title for your debut i know um
and i just want to preface by saying i
genuinely enjoyed this book i don't know
if it's actually any good but i did
actually really really enjoy it it had
some very funny moments i just i just
want to pause you
i don't know if it's any good but i did
enjoy it
i mean
that we'll get to the actual review
christmas
yeah i enjoyed it i read this book while
i was on vacation
which is relevant because i don't
normally drink very much
um however when i was outlining this
book
i was mostly intoxicated so
we'll see
what happens
i'm excited for the journey we're about
to go on so
okay so a couple of things
our main character
her name is cinnamon
um
for some unknown reason that i am not
going to explore right now in my notes
she is referred to only as our girl
cinnabon
that's that's how i chose
to
uh
did you want to send a bun i don't
probably and then
like
i i think cinnabon always sounds
delicious and then i get two bites in
and i'm like i've hit my sugar quota
yeah it's a little much so we have our
girl cinnabun yeah yeah we have cinnabon
and then we have um the the the guy our
main guy
his name is fallon and for some unknown
reason i immediately thought of jimmy
fallon and then only referred to him as
jimmy in my notes
is jimmy fallon who you pictured the
entire time not even a little bit
okay so we just took the name
ditch to the rest
yup
incredible so so we got
cinnabon and jimmy yep yep yep who are
cinnamon and fallon in the book
um
so the reason i found this book it was
reviewed a few times on tick tock and i
had been thinking i was like you know
what i don't think i have read very many
um authors of color lately with smut and
i know that exists so i started looking
for it and that's how i came upon
that time i got drunk and saved a demon
so i'm so stoked for this so here we go
so
we open at a village festival party
situation our girl cinnabon is super
drunk
um they are celebrating um sending off
one of the
village girls who was chosen by their
goddess to go fight demons
so in this universe
there is a goddess and she
centuries ago drove the demons out of
this land and protects it but every 15
years she chooses four individuals to go
and protect
the gate because apparently the gate
weakens every 15 years so she chooses
four humans to go protect the gate from
the demons
and just
okay so it's not like you like get this
appointment and you are now the
gatekeeper for 15 years it's like every
15 years there's a window of time where
the gate weakens and we need to protect
it and then once that window has passed
we get to go back
okay perfect right and so um cinnamon
has no interest in being selected
none whatsoever she's super clear about
it she's like um
hard pass on that adventure
i am very hap she is a spice farmer she
is very happy with her family spice farm
in her little village she has no desire
to go on this kind of adventure and so
after the selection is made she and her
best friend decide to dye their hair
bright pink
because they didn't want to draw
attention to themselves prior to
the selection they were trying to like
blend in
um
so the selection has been made it's this
girl that everybody kind of hates and
she's super full of herself and so the
village is like
hell yeah you go be a hero babe we're
super happy for you
um and so they're dancing they're
singing they're having a great time and
um she goes to she decides she needs
cheese
um because she's very drunk and so she
kind of stumbles over to her best friend
um
her stand that she has at this festival
her best friend's name is bree and she
is a cheese maker
i [ __ ] love this so much and
it's called out in the book cinnamon is
like yeah bree's mom thought she was
super clever with that one although my
mom named me cinnamon and were spice
farmers so i guess i won't judge
um
and the language in this even though
it's very much fantasy is
super modern like she says suss at one
point and like calls people [ __ ] like
it's very
very modern language
um and in some of the reviews some
people
hated that they were like i couldn't get
into the story like i couldn't get into
the fantasy and i was like maybe you
just have a bad imagination because i
liked it so anyway
um so their opinions are also based off
of your experience 100 okay perfect just
making sure i understand thank you for
pointing that out
and so then she's eating cheese
as one does
and there's some kind of explosion like
in the distance near her family farm
like in that direction
and um everybody just kind of stops and
then they're like hey
our village hero is already fighting
demons way to go babe and then they just
start up the party again they're like
whatever and they keep going
so she decides she's gonna walk home her
best friend is like honey
you have had too much wine and you need
to go home
okay okay
bye bye was her friend making sure
someone got her there safely or was her
friend just like you should go home
because you're trashed yeah she's like
you you should just walk home because
apparently this is something she does
regularly this is a very safe village
you know famous last words so
she's walking home she's going through
the forest
and there is an attempted robbery
um by
some guy who has his face covered and
he's like give me your coins winch
and
she is like wench are you [ __ ]
kidding me right now like who do you
think you are like are you a pirate
that's the dumbest [ __ ] i've ever heard
in my life like she is not she does not
feel threatened by this robber who has a
hammer
and he's like give me your cloak then
like whatever you know and she's like i
don't think it will fit you
although the sunflowers could really
bring out the blue in your eyes like i
don't think my cloak is gonna work for
you
he's like i'll give it to my girlfriend
and then she realizes that this is one
of like the village [ __ ] and so
she's like
i don't remember his name but she's
basically like listen johnny
i know you don't have a girlfriend
go away
like you're not scaring me right now
um i was gonna go with trevor first i
just was making [ __ ] up yeah i don't
remember his name because i know when
you're like when you said douche i was
like what's a random like douche name
douche name trevor yeah and then i
landed on treasure
trevor
not treasure
i'm only one glass of wine
like there's there's literally
normally zero excuse for my blunders
outside of just
me yeah so here we are so
trevor or johnny whoever johnny trevor
the town douche she tells him to [ __ ]
off yeah and he has several brothers
they're well known in the village for
just kind of running wild and being
idiots and so she then
chases him through the trees she's like
you think you're gonna rob me i think
you're you're wrong and so she is very
drunk and is like i'm just gonna beat
the [ __ ] out of this guy and so she
chases him through the trees and then
she starts to hear this groaning sound
and she's like that's really weird and
so she goes to investigate and she finds
that the the explosion that they heard
was some kind of rock slide and someone
is trapped in the rock slide
so she is like oh [ __ ] let me dig this
guy out so she starts digging
starts to like get the guy out and she's
like this [ __ ] is huge like this
is the largest man i've ever seen in my
life but i don't recognize him from the
village he must be traveling from
somewhere else i hope he's okay so she's
like trying to check on him and then it
turns out he's a demon
and he's like um
you should run from me right now
um and she's like why and he goes
because it's very bad form to eat your
rescuer and that's where we're at so you
should run and she's like huh
okay
so she takes off
so she starts running through her
family's cinnamon fields
um
and he catches her at one point and
starts choking her he's like attacking
her and she reaches for a cinnamon
branch and like smacks him in the face
with it and is able to get away and so
she runs away and barricades herself in
her parents house
um and she's like telling her family
like there's a demon there's demon and
they're like babe you're drunk go to
sleep
so she's like barricading the door in
her parents house so they have this big
family farm and she has two brothers as
well and so they all have houses on the
farm and have their own sort of plots of
land on the farm
so she's in her parents house even
though her house is further away um and
so she goes to sleep um
and
everybody's like you're fine
calm down so she gets drunk so often
yeah she does okay um so she
goes to sleep wakes up hungover she
decides to have breakfast with her
family there's a lot of really funny
like sibling exchange
um
their mom is super hard ass and the one
brother is really dramatic it's just
very funny kind of exchange
um
and um
they're like oh yeah that demon last
night
and she's like yeah okay
and then he just appears in the doorway
the demon like appears in the doorway
like inside the house
okay well like like
the interior like the door to go inside
okay yeah
um and
he the brothers and the dad they get up
like they're gonna attack
um
to protect her and the demon throws her
brother chilly they all have spice names
throws her brother and
genuinely i don't remember if that's his
actual name or if that [ __ ] i made up
but that's what's in my notes
um
he throws chili across the room
and then he's like y'all i'm not here to
fight
i'm not here to hurt anybody
like let's just all have a seat he has
retractable horns so he retracts the
horns and then sits down so
this might be something we'll get to in
the future but just my my curiosity now
um
when he retracts the horns does he just
like look like a normal human
just really big okay yeah
so and he didn't have his horns out when
she found him actually
so she thought he was human at first
so
um he retracts the horns he sits down to
have breakfast with the family
her mom is just like super excited to be
feeding someone um and we'll get into
this later but this is um
it seems to be very heavily influenced
by southern culture and like hospitality
and stuff and so
the mom is just like super happy to have
somebody to feed she's like all right
have a seat babe
like let's do this thing
um and so all the brothers are like what
the [ __ ] is happening
and he says his name is fallon also
known as jimmy
and then um
he explains that their goddess is
actually an undead witch
who enslaved all of the demons
so and controls them so
they are not actually as violent as
people think that they are
um and they're not as mindless as people
think that they are but it's this witch
cast a spell over them um because she
apparently sacrificed several demon
children to achieve immortality and so
when the demons tried to
avenge that
she did something and now she controls
them
and then
um apparently the cinnamon that she hit
him in the face with
broke the spell like something about the
cinnamon like negated it
so he had this amulet that was
protecting him but the closer that he
got to the village
um to her temple
the less effective the amulet was and so
he kind of lost it when the rock slide
happened and then he came to
with the cinnamon
so
um he tells
i love here's my favorite thing about a
good like paranormal universe is you can
just like set whatever [ __ ] rules you
want whatever you want whatever you want
and um she will continue to do so
so
um he tells cinnamon that um
they're like we don't know if we believe
you like we were raised to believe that
this is our goddess that she protects us
from demons like i don't know
about all that and he's like okay you
know what you don't have to believe me i
just want you to take this amulet
and throw it past the the protective
force field around the temple and just
see what happens right
um and he's like and then if what i
think is gonna happen happens
destroy
the goddesses chalice that's in the
thing
because that houses her soul it's her
power center or some [ __ ] so destroy the
chalice
um and then if you do this
um i will
uh
protect the entire village like it will
be under my protection from this point
forward
if you don't then i am gonna he had like
a pack of cinnamon that he was keeping
on him to continue to negate the spell
he was like i'll just get rid of the
cinnamon and go full demon boy on all of
you guys so
the choice is yours
so he is like
we're good you can trust us believe me
try this and if you don't
i'm just gonna kill you
okay yeah just making sure i'm
understanding properly like if you do
i'm gonna protect the whole village
your family is under my protection and
if you don't
you can all die anyway also like nothing
sounds that hard about keeping
a satchel of cinnamon
on your person no
it does not
so uh our girl goes and she throws the
amulet and this like black sludge and
blood starts like bubbling up from the
floor and like coating the walls and and
the demon couldn't do this himself
because there is this protective force
field around the temple that keeps
demons out
so
um she's like um
that doesn't feel right so maybe i'll
just destroy this chalice
so she goes and tries there's a bit of a
fight there's like a skeleton hand that
comes up and grabs her
um she smashes it it won't break so this
like giant blood bone ogre thing is like
hitting her
and then jimmy shows up and saves the
day
and
like goes her into destroying the
chalice
and so that's done but then the temple
is like about to implode so he like
grabs her up and rescues her from the
temple um and at this point she realizes
he smells really nice
like as he grabs her up to get her away
from danger she's like i'm into that i
mean i was wondering
when the smut was going to start in the
paranormal universe and i feel like
how like what percent would you say i
feel like that is a very common thing in
in a book yeah it's this where it's like
this
yeah and it's like it's not even like
pheromones it's just like
in his natural scent of musk and river
water right it's like what the [ __ ] does
that smell like my favorite was i think
it was in
crescent city i want to say it was like
she smells like the snowfall and the
first starlight of the evening like what
does that smell like okay yankee candle
like what like these descriptions
like that's not a thing she smells like
a beach on the first day of summer and
you're like i really have so many
questions right which beach because if
it's the ones that i grew up near then
that means she smells like a dirty
diaper
oh well i grew up on the gulf coast side
of florida and i'm
i wouldn't say i would describe
ourselves meanwhile on the atlantic side
anyway
it's very different it is very different
but also yes like so many books they're
just like
oh and they just like smelled so nice
and like there's there's way more
sniffing than you ever anticipate or no
although i will say in all fairness
um i had covet a couple of years ago and
lost my sense of smell
and i did get pretty sick but i was
really okay for the most part and then
my smell just did not come back for a
while and at one point i like burst into
tears and my husband was like are you
okay and i was like i can't smell you
and he was like okay babe like why don't
you go to sleep
is that something you normally do no
i don't go around sniffing people
but
not quite the same
but it is so i'm like i'm i get sick
very easy i like always have a stuffy
nose
and i think my husband and i have been
married for like
four months if that and i was sick which
was not a surprise because i just i'm
always sick and i'd been texting him
while i was at work i was like i just
can't wait to get home and just like
not do anything and just sit on the
couch and really rest and relax with you
and my husband i have this um like this
sweet potato curry soup recipe
it's delicious love this soup recipe
and my husband thought he's like i'm
gonna i'm gonna surprise chelsea and
make her this like really comforting
soup that she loves
and like she'll be so surprised when she
gets home and i like i like i came in
and i was like oh my gosh like you made
me soup like you're the best human in
the world and i'm like getting teary
and so my husband we eat really spicy
food we love spicy food um
so he gives me this bowl of soup and
he's looking at me all expectantly like
can't wait for me to take my first bite
y'all
that [ __ ] tasted like lava because i
couldn't smell anything so i couldn't
taste anything
and i just take a bite of the soup and i
feel my entire body like going into this
like heat flash with how much wet
so my husband bless his soul hands me
this bowl of soup so excited wants me to
try it i take one bite and i burst into
tears
um also worth noting my husband is the
producer of this podcast and it's like
the sweetest angel baby who just like
wants to love me and support me but i
think it scarred him because like for a
long time he
he wasn't really willing to venture back
into the kitchen
we we crossed that hurdle
i'm glad to play that but yes i'm glad
to hear that all of us to say smell and
taste are important but they are
sometimes unnecessarily prominent and
yes i would agree so he rescues her from
this
thing from the temple not jimmy because
that's not his name
alan the demon
rescues cinnabun
cinnamon yes um so
um
he's like well that was easier than i
thought really good work everybody and
she's like um babe there are three more
chalices
in her other temples oh [ __ ] he didn't
know he did not know and so he is super
pissed
so pissed in fact that he burns his
shirt off
pause
um
i have questions do you have answers i
don't know
ask them and we'll see
is it because he is a demon and his body
just burst into flames or did he light
his own shirt on fire
i think that he um
so he has fire as a demon and i think
that he became very overheated because
he was so angry that's how it sounds in
the book like okay
it wasn't intentional
um
and so then um she notices that he has
some really nice abs
um
and he's like okay well you need to come
with me to these other temples and fix
this [ __ ]
um
and starts calling her rabbit as a
nickname
but i didn't really understand why but
he just starts calling her rabbit like
not bunny
not honey
rabbit
i i think i might rather be called
rabbit than bunny
so
little-known fact oh no where are we
about me
as a person
i'm terrified of rabbits oh
but not bunnies i mean they're you know
they're the same right they're the same
thing i hate them
they really freak me out
we had two when i was a toddler and um
here's the part that as an adult i think
it's hilarious but as a kid i had no
idea
they were named chip and dale
my parents were like like the chipmunks
sure
right and i'm like oh cool
just four-year-old chelsea being like
here my chippendale bunnies
i hope there are pictures of that anyway
so he starts calling her rabbit so i
feel like that's also an important
turning point in a lot of smut where
yeah they're given the pet name is like
some kind of important moment
and she's like
yeah no
not interested in the adventure thank
you i'm happy with my life good luck
with your journey
and have a great day
and i think it's a very fair response
given everything that she's been through
in the last 24 hours well and it's later
revealed why she is
opposed to adventure ooh okay well that
um but he's like okay you can say no but
to be clear i promised to protect your
village i did not promise to protect you
so you can help me or you can go
unprotected these are your options
um
and so she agrees
and he's like i think that you are
starting to like me
and she goes yeah like a plague very
much yep
um she is not happy about this situation
she's like he's super hot but i'm wicked
annoyed with the whole thing
yeah like on the hot crazy scale
he's
he's not quite out weighing with hotness
not at this point it's just a little too
crazy not at this point
so um then she is packing with her best
friend brie
um the cheese merchant obviously
um
and she mentions this sister so the
sister had come up previously um the
sister
passed away
but we don't know how
but cinnamon keeps saying cinnabon
sister cinnamon sister yes
it caught on she's sent a bun now
our girl cinnabon also where what is she
packing for did i miss that for the
journey she's like okay okay so i guess
i'm going okay i get it
i was like is she running away no so
she's going with him um and she um
is saying that she feels like her
sister's
death was her fault somehow but again we
don't really have the story
um so then she
she has an argument with fallon about
um taking
uh like a wagon on
this trip she's like we need spices and
we need a we need stuff like where am i
gonna put my clothes like priorities
where does my spice collection go
precisely
so
um eventually he acquiesces to this and
they bring her horses
um in a carriage
and so then um apparently at this point
i decided to start calling her best
friend bree fondue i don't know when
that happened
[Laughter]
where did you guys go on vacation hannah
so we went to charleston and i think
that at this point um
we went to um my favorite pub in north
charleston i'm pretty sure
that's what was happening
at this
point i might have had a couple of irish
car bombs
so good for you living your best
vacation life i was i mean i don't is it
really hurting anyone to call her fondue
no if anything i just hope you like i
hope she's called gruyere in a few
minutes
perhaps gouda
so
how's our body doing in this chapter
so so this is pretty much the end of
fondue's involvement in the book pretty
much it's like right here damn it she
just got the cool nickname and
everything i know but wait for it cheese
is not done brie the character is done
but cheese
is never done
go on
so
she actually
hannah has been
doing such a great job of leading us
through this book that she hasn't really
had a chance to have any of her wine
which is how the characters got the name
fondue
and jimmy fallon
um
and so honestly because of that i want
her to have more wine just to see where
the day takes us well thank you for that
i appreciate your thoughtfulness i did
take that opportunity perfect
so
um
she goes with fondue to the village like
boundary
with the carriage they're supposed to be
meeting um
fallon
and the town jackass that tried to rob
her shows up with his brother
and the brother is demanding an apology
because she chased him through the woods
um and she's like um
this jackass tried to rob me i'm not
apologizing to you for [ __ ]
and he's like you were drunk everybody
knows you're the town lush like he
wasn't trying to rob you you just
attacked him
and so she slaps him in the face the
brother she slaps him in the face
i see how he got there
oh no wait rewind she didn't slap him in
the face yet so he slaps her in the face
and like pushes her against the wagon
and so then she slaps him in the face
and then uh jimmy appears and he is
not happy with this situation jimmy
seems like a guy who gets real
possessive real fast yeah also have did
we learn nothing
from will smith slapping someone
like
you just can't go around slapping people
willy-nilly like that
no
no you can't
slaps don't solve problems people they
really don't um because then
once again it's the consequences of our
own actions because now we have a very
pissed off demon
who shows up
and breaks [ __ ] face's arm
off
um wait you you you paused there
and it took me you're like he broke his
arm i'm like yeah yeah you're like
off like i was like were you trying to
were you hoping i didn't catch it
what he broke his arm off he really
[ __ ] him up
it's like um
oh what was that
movie in the 80s with patrick swayze
um where he was the bouncer at the club
and ripped the man's heart out
roadhouse where he rips his heart out
with his hand
that's what i thought a demon do it it's
the forbidden move
yes that is
that is what i thought of just now
that's fair um so he's gonna kill
[ __ ] and
cinnamon is like no no no
we don't kill humans okay
she's really reasonable sometimes
sometimes um when she's not the town
lush i was gonna say she's not drunk at
this juncture so
um he is super annoyed that he's not
allowed to kill this guy he's like you
are currently mine you are under my
protection and he put hands on you which
means he has forfeited his life and
she's like um bro how about you simmer
down she's like so like demon laws and
rules of society are not
human laws and rules of society so you
can't just kill them
right so
he agrees no more killing humans
and so
they're traveling now through a bayou
because in the landscape
that we are in okay so they're in
louisiana now basically okay um so
they're gonna buy you
um and so she
makes him a crayfish boyle
that's what it's called in the book i'm
like y'all them's crawdads
[Laughter]
don't write about things you don't know
you're like sorry
we're in georgia
where the [ __ ] are you getting
this from rayfish
hey there's my puppies
we'll get you right back to the show in
just a moment but first
do you like us
maybe even
love us
cause we sure love you
and if you do love us
don't tease us
tell us in those ratings and reviews
wherever you're listening right now
maybe even send us over to a special
sexy someone that would enjoy getting
smutty with us
because you know the first rule of smug
club
is to talk about smut club
all right
i won't keep you any longer
let's get back to the show
[Music]
anyway
so um he is like
not he's i'm not eating that that looks
like a bug and she's like just trust me
and he's like this is the most delicious
thing i've ever eaten my in my life
which is fair because they're very
delicious
and so
they're having like this bonding over
the campfire
um
and they're sleeping on either sides or
laying down on either sides of the
campfire and then he starts telling her
scary stories about different things
so that she like comes closer to him
and it's pretty obvious he's doing it on
purpose like he's intentionally
frightening her so that she'll like come
closer
um but there's they're like dumb
campfire ghost stories like it's not
like he's like
and then the axe murderer appeared like
it's not things that you would think of
real life
um
so
he keeps
touching her
often like she starts to notice that he
is touching her braids which are pink um
and you know like touching her arm and
like he's very touchy
um
and he keeps like
sidling closer to her and she's like
making more space on the bench and he
just keeps like scooting over in the
wagon
so he's clearly putting out a vibe and
she
doesn't fully want to receive said vibe
i mean she
does but she's like this is a demon and
i know you guys can't see me but i did
just do a lot of weird wiggling to
demonstrate that
and then if you like me you can't see me
so she's like reluctantly
she's into the vibe but like
is annoyed with herself for being into
the vibe yeah and she's also like who
the [ __ ] even is this guy right now like
really what's going on
so um there's a couple more like
campfire scenes they're bonding having a
great time she's cooking for him he's
really enjoying it
um and she's like see
spices are important thank you um
aren't you glad we got a wagon so you
can have this delicious meal exactly
um so
she they're asleep and then she hears
she wakes up and she hears
someone calling her name over and over
again and so she's like that's really
weird
so she goes to investigate
and she's like that
that sounds like my sister
oh god like that really sounds like
myself and they're just like traveling
on the road at this point right they
miss something through the value they're
still in the other like they're like
they're in the bayou but they're
traveling like they're not they haven't
like arrived anywhere yet no okay no so
she hears this she goes to investigate
sounds like her sister and then it is
her sister standing in the water
in the bayou
calling to her how long ago did the [ __ ]
happen with her sister like four years
okay so she says her sister looks
rough like her hair is a mess she's
covered in mud but she's like obviously
that's my sister
so she gets into the water trying to go
um get her
and fallon shows up and he's like
stop like stop and come back to me right
now and she's like
no
no no that's my sister who's been
missing right yeah
so she keeps going and then my notes say
surprise in all caps it's a swamp
monster
i had a feeling that's where we were
going like yeah like they lure you in
with like your your deepest desires
and then they have tentacles
i mean i don't know if this one does i'm
really filling in that picture but just
like in general i feel like there's all
like they lure you in and then there's a
bait and switch yeah maybe there's
tentacles maybe there's not i don't
think there are tentacles in this
situation it's more like a hellhound
crossed with a scorpion if i'm
remembering correctly but either way
it's not good
so here
[Laughter]
what
a hellhound crossed with a scorpion yeah
which half
front half hellhound back half scorpion
okay just verifying yeah so it grabs her
and starts dragging her to the bottom
and she's like oh cool this is how i die
great
i knew i didn't want to go on an
adventure i hate it here and so then
jimmy rescues her obviously um and then
pulls her out kills the monster and then
she cries on him a lot
um
and
tells him that
her sister disappeared in the bayou four
years ago and was never found and so it
must have been that that monster that
had taken her and cinnamon feels like it
was her fault because she convinced her
sister to go with her
on an adventure in the bayou whatever oh
so is this where we learn why she
doesn't go on adventures because she
blames herself for her sister's death
okay
um so then he carries her back to camp
and takes out her braids because they
are caked in mud and and by you sludge
and um
tells her is that otherwise known as
algae
i don't know
but it sounds gross
by you sludge you heard me yeah
that sounds
thick and murky
i have
no response to that
not one i want to say out loud anyway
so um he very gently takes out her
braids
um and tells her
um that she needs to bathe so there's a
bayou on one side and a river on the
other so he's like you need to go bathe
in the river
and um so she's like all right then and
just gets naked she's like if he's gonna
be a dick then i'm getting naked
good good talk
so
which is obviously a natural response
yeah is that not everyone's logical
thought process
i mean it makes perfect sense to me
um yeah
you me and kimberly the author
she's killing it for her first novel
this is a fun one we're in good company
so
um she grabs a knife and some soap
and gets into the water
um and
yeah that comes into play later oh no um
so she's in the water and she's bathing
and then
fallon shows up with her
in the water
um and he is super into how her hair
smells and lets her know that and is
like please allow me
and starts washing her hair
um and then she is like huh
there's a log floating in the river
that [ __ ] is a gator and she kills it
with her knife
my god
so so okay so i'm not even gonna pretend
75 of why i wanted to review this book
was straight up because she killed a
gator with a knife with her bare hand
and i was like we have things to discuss
especially because both of us like
grew up in florida where there was a lot
of alligator protocol you like every
single place you went there was at least
one sign that said do not molest the
alligators
yep
and i always had questions
like
right what constitutes molestation oh
gator um my thought was more
what happened that led to them feeling
they needed to post these signs
everywhere
not like
what's the boundary on how far i can
push the game and here's the thing
so
i
um
i grew up in orlando
we did have a lot of gators
and i went to
school with the daughter of the people
who owned gatorland the like little
amusement park
and um
have you read the book swamplandia
no but i'm going to add it to my list
apparently it's not smart never mind
yeah they're not interested there's a
lot of character development in a way
gross i didn't finish it
but like if you're into that it's a
really good book
so anyways gatorland so
i learned
in the fourth grade
that if
a gator
surpasses a certain size
animal control won't come get it so
people had gators in their retention
ponds and their pools and stuff like
that
and animal control was like is it over
six feet that's real tough good luck
y'all and so people would have to call
gatorland to come get the gators they
had to call an amusement park to get the
gators
out of their retention ponds feels like
the most on brand
of [ __ ] also
if you haven't watched it yet craig
robinson is that craig from the
warehouse on the office he is a new show
it might not be new by the time we drop
this episode depending on our lineup um
called killing it and it's on peacock
and it's about living in south florida
and um there's an overabundance of um
burmese pythons and so
there's a competition that whoever can
kill the most you like get raided by
like this the square feet that you bring
in huh um maybe not square feet they're
just regular yeah just regular feet
um
it's really funny but it feels very
florida on brand yeah
and i mean
and to be clear like i grew up in
downtown orlando it's not like i was in
the [ __ ] everglades or something yeah
you were not where like there was a vast
normalization of alligators walking down
the street but that video that dropped a
couple years ago of that alligator that
like
looked like [ __ ] godzilla yep that
was terrifying well and the thing is
even in downtown there are gators it's
true in the lakes and in people's pools
they're everywhere
and so we learned at a very young age
like what to do when you see a gator you
zigzag if one is chasing you they run on
a straight line you gotta run in in a
zigzag formation exaggerated zigzag is
the way to go
um and so
all that to say i i have eaten gator i
have i have pet a baby gator
i've done all kinds i feel like that
yeah like that's like
that's just did you grow up in florida
if you haven't
had multiple interactions with different
iteration of gators we once when i was
in kindergarten
we had somebody bring a 10-foot
python
to our class to play with like that's
florida
you know
oh
and i would never
attempt to kill a gator
while nude in a river with a knife
how would you attempt to kill it
maybe if i had a gun
while i was in a boat i do know
all of their like power is in the
snapping of their jaw closed
yeah so once their jaw is closed if you
can keep it closed and hold on that's
gonna keep you safe and also they have
some vertigo issues that like [ __ ] with
their equilibrium so if you if you can
get a gator on its back yep you know
definitely easier said than done um but
if you can get a gator on its back and
keep its mouth closed
that is the safer choice yeah um also
maybe someone who has any experience
with this versus just like
i think some of the things we're told up
in florida are folklore on some level
you know that we've just all embraced as
normal because florida
um
so yeah someone please correct us if
we're off base on any of this or you
might be like nope those two [ __ ]
from florida i mean
if anybody knows it's us
so
cinnamon going back to the books
cinnamon
is
bathing in the river
um
jimmy
fallon
loves the smell of her hair
is washing it
it's washing her hair washing her hair
and then she sees honestly here's where
when you're like and she sees a giant
log floating in the river i thought
you're going to be like nope it's his
demon dick
i wasn't prepared for you to be like
it's an alligator and she kills it with
the knife i was like oh damn okay that
escalated
so
then she starts dragging it to the shore
and he comes up behind her and is like
i'm gonna marry you
what
and she is like um
that was not part of the deal we made i
did not agree to that
and he says and this is a direct quote
you shouldn't have been so horribly
interesting
i don't
i don't think that's how consent works
what a proposal
i mean maybe for a demon that is
romantic we have to think of cultural
implications so true
so true i don't want to be mean to the
demon who thinks that is romantic
um
i can appreciate it but i might be
giving him too much credit here i think
that you are but i appreciate the
attempt
so regardless of all of this jimmy is
super convinced they're gonna get
married and just keep saying things
about how they're gonna mate they're
gonna get married this is it
and um our girl cinnabon is not on board
she's like
no what the [ __ ] dude like you are a
demon
please calm down
you're super hot and i kind of want to
jump on it but also calm down but also i
don't want to marry it i just want to
jump on it exactly
as we've previously discussed there is a
difference between boyfriend dick and
husband dick there's a difference
although she hasn't had any of his dick
she hasn't yet
um that's the second log floating in the
river
um so then they're continuing on they're
almost to the next town where the next
temple is and they get stopped by a
group of bandits
and the bandits are like we are gonna
kill your boy and rape you hope you all
have a great day
this is it there's like five of them
four of them
and um
one of her horses who's a scrappy mare
kicks one in the head and is like
not today and so she just like kicks
that [ __ ] in the head and so
then jimmy takes out two because he is
displeased with this threat for obvious
reasons
and then it turns out cinnabon is like a
really good archer
and so she shoots one with an arrow
um
and then
jimmy throws arrow guy over
the the side of the bridge into the
river so what i hear are saying is they
work really well as a team they do work
really well as a team
and so then he
is really upset that he threw the arrow
guy into the river
because he promised her he wouldn't kill
any more humans and he really doubted
the guy was going to survive with an
arrow
after being thrown in the river
and she's like um
it's okay to it's okay to kill murderers
and rapists yeah if they're like
actively trying to kill me we can make
an exception yeah i just meant like that
man who's sitting at the coffee shop
reading his book hasn't done anything
for you to murder him over right and a
guy who slaps me like
sure slap him around but don't kill him
that's her that's the line for her you
know i get her logic yeah i can see it
so
then jimmy makes a joke that he deserves
some points for saving her from the
bandits
and she is um not impressed she is like
okay so you think my heart is worth a
few points that's what you think i'm
worth to you are you kidding me
and he's like well um
how many points would it take for you to
marry me
and she's like a thousand
it would take a thousand points
um and so he is so how many points did
he get for protecting her from getting
murdered we'll get there
sorry i keep jumping ahead i know i feel
like half my questions you're like
chelsea
you're gonna ruin the book just let me
get there organically
it'll come i'm too
excited so he has not deterred by the
thousand points he is not deterred and
so honestly i don't know what the point
value system is and i'm sure we'll get
there in a minute but when she said a
thousand points in my head i'm like i
feel like you're selling yourself short
agreed a thousand is not nearly as high
as i anticipated you saying
so when he's when you're like he's not
deterred by a thousand points i was like
i wouldn't be either right it's three
points for save me from bandits but she
doesn't actually
give him any points for the bandits
we'll get there okay so um
he kisses her and pulls her into his lap
and starts feeling her up a little bit
and goes into
detail about he's gonna how he's gonna
eat her out and [ __ ] her he doesn't
actually
do anything
right okay so he's just like narrating
his plans to her yeah and this is like
so this is like when we reviewed dirty
ones
and
connor and sophia were [ __ ] and kira
was just like narrating narrating
whispering dirty [ __ ] in his ear and
conor's ear like that's what's happening
here yes okay and it's like
when i say in detail it's like four
pages
of detail that's some stephen king level
[ __ ] about how he is going to eat her
out and
[ __ ] her like he is into it
and she is like
you need to stop
right now and he's like okay and like
immediately takes hands off he's like
okay
and so she goes and dunks her head in
the river
and he follows her he's like are you
okay and she's like i will literally
give you a hundred points if you leave
me alone right now
oh damn
and so he's like
yes ma'am sayonara my lady he's like yes
ma'am
um so they get to the next city
and
jimmy is like i sense a lot of demons
here but i don't see any um what is
going on in tree
so they decide they're like we need to
stop at a tavern we need to find like a
a an inn so we can stay somewhere
um guys i'm gonna apologize really fast
i need to pour myself a new glass of
wine
in case you're wondering we aren't
sponsored by bota box but it'd be a lot
cooler if we were today we are drinking
the nighthawk
black
bold
cab sav it's rich bold and smooth oh i
was reading the label and my my pore
went a little harder than i intended for
it to um i apologize i this just felt
like it needed a a freshie so we needed
it we did so jimmy fallon is like
there's a lot of demons here but i just
i can't see them i can just sense them
right i feel them i don't see them so um
they decide they're gonna stop at a
tavern they're gonna get a room
and um these two different merchants are
on the street trying to convince them to
come to their separate ends
and as they're talking they
one of them is like
honey your demon doesn't have a collar
that's illegal and she's like
what
i'm sorry what
and so they find out that the people in
this city
keep demons as like pets or slaves
and um
yeah so they're all supposed to wear
collars legally
and
so they have a different relationship in
this city with demons as like the
goddess city that cinnabun grew up in
right so she's kind of from the sticks
and this is more of a metropolis kind of
situation
um so jimmy is pushed he is very unhappy
with the idea that demons are being kept
as slaves um and so they get to their
room um they they choose one of the
merchants they get to their room they're
trying to come up with a plan like what
do we do here like i don't know
and the innkeeper overhears the
conversation
um and she's like um
jimmy opens the door and he's like how
long have you been there and she's like
um
wild enough
and she's like um so listen i don't know
if you need help but i will help you and
they're like i'm sorry what why why
would we trust you you random
eavesdropper exactly and she says that
she didn't know that demons were
sentient like they'd been taught that
demons were like less than animals and
she didn't know that they could talk she
didn't know they had feelings she didn't
know and so she recognizes that none of
this is right so the common denominator
is that like no humans culturally
understand the nuance of demon life
forms correct okay um and so she's like
i didn't know they were held against
their will i will help you
so um apparently the mascot for her in
is a hyena
i don't know why she
was on the wrong side of the lion king
apparently yeah and she so she has a
dancing hyena and she's like i have an
idea
let's so she has to cinnamon has to get
close to the temple to destroy the
chalice
and in this
city there are mages who are like
priests who are like all over the place
so she's like
the demon and i will cause a distraction
with my hyena who dances
and that will make it easier for you to
get into the temple
um
and so
cinnabon is mining her own business
jimmy and the innkeeper usha
um
have gone ahead to start the distraction
and she's supposed to go separately so
that people don't realize they're
together so she's walking along and then
she finds this merchant who is selling
nachos which she has never seen before
and she's very excited about the nachos
so she gets a bucket of nachos
oh man i could i could [ __ ] up about a
basket or a bucket honestly probably
just a basket of knife here's the thing
i think a bucket of nachos feels a
little advantageous that is extreme but
like i could [ __ ] up a basket
of nachos i didn't think i was hungry at
all until i said bucket of nachos
and now i could eat where's fondue when
you need her
she's back in the village
um so
she sees a guy being beaten in the road
so he's wearing a collar that's less fun
and he's being beaten
and um so she goes up to this this guy
so she notices as she's walking all of
these different like pelts and furs that
are really beautiful
she's like i've never seen anything that
color that's so crazy that's beautiful
and so she sees this guy beating
another guy
and she's like um oh what the [ __ ] are
you doing like everybody's just watching
and she's like um excuse me what the
hell and he's like this is a werewolf
and he's blonde which means that his
pelt is blonde which means it's very
rare and i want it and then she realizes
that all of the very pretty furs that
she had seen were demon furs and she's
like
oh [ __ ]
this is not okay with me
so she decides that she's gonna buy him
from this guy and he's like um
i could get plenty for his pelt and
she's like well i'm a farmer and he
looks pretty strong so i'll take him
so she haggles and she also gets a lamia
which apparently is like a
a half man half snake situation bottom
half snake
and i appreciate the clarification on
which i knew you were gonna be important
i knew you were gonna ask
bottom half snake um and she's like uh
oh okay i guess
so she frees them both with her pouch of
cinnamon that she has on her on her hip
thank goodness she advocated to bring
the spice rack in their wagon and i
forgot she has these big skirts that
have lots of pockets in them and so a
lot of times oh she just goes
pulls out things from her skirt
like at one point she's like i'm kind of
hungry and just pulls out a loaf of
bread and jimmy is like what the [ __ ] is
happening and she's like are you hungry
good because this is mine it just eats
it so
years and years and years ago when i was
working in youth ministry one of my
favorite things that happened is i had a
student wearing cargo shorts and i look
over and he had a
full-size pack of oreos
just in his cargo shorts and i looked
over and i was like
are those oreos and he's like oh do you
want some and just like takes him out
and i was like before that moment i
never understood but truly in that
moment when he was giving me an oreo i
was like
[ __ ] do i understand cargo shorts
like do i co-sign cargo shorts now i was
like i do if they have oreos in the
pocket and so i mean or tater tots
well if napoleon dynamite taught us
anything those
tater tots but if you kick the pocket
you just have a mush smoosh my tater
tots
so
i was at lunch this week with my
peers at work
and the first person who ordered at
lunch was like i will have such and such
burger um and tater tots extra crispy
and i was like you can get tots extra
crispy here and she was like yeah and so
literally we went around the table there
were like seven or eight of us and every
single one of us ordered todd's extra
crispy
and the waitress was like that's really
good because if one of you had wanted
regular tots you wouldn't have gotten
them everyone is getting extra crispy
right i was like in the fry basket yeah
everyone is getting crispy they're all
extra crispy and they were delicious for
the record and i had a burger this is an
aside called the florida burger and it
had
so it had the like standard beef patty
pimento cheese
strawberry jam and jalapenos like
pickled jalapenos
i don't know what i thought you were
going to say when you said it was called
the florida burger but
i don't think any of those although i
mean like i guess like plant city you
have the strawberry festival every year
right
i mean it didn't scream florida to me
but it was delicious and so were the
tots for the record
so anyway
she buys a werewolf and a lamia
and so she frees them both and also
okay so this is another thing while i
was uh
outlining this book
lamia
continually labia autocorrected to labia
over and over again
and honestly the first time you said it
it took me a second and i paused and i
was like no she meant what she said
that's not she didn't mean labia i
didn't mean labia
so
when i
i
so the next day
after outlining this part i had to go
through and everywhere i put lamia had
to make sure that it said lame yet and
not labia because because we do review
smoke so you could
need use of both words for obvious
reasons so anyway so she frees them both
with her cinnamon
and they're super suspicious of her but
they agree to help they're like wait a
minute you're going after the witch
we're in let's do this [ __ ]
so she's like you have to continue to
wear a collar while we're here so that
people think that you're still under
reverse harems it's not okay it's not i
wasn't sure if that's where the
trajectory was taking us it's a good
question jimmy's too possessive for that
so that was my thought um so then she
continues on her way because she was on
the way to the temple to destroy the top
the chalice so she continues there are
mages everywhere and so um a fight
ensues there are mages everywhere
throwing potions and magic and stuff
and one of them hits her horses with a
flying potion and they grow wings and
fly away
which becomes relevant later
um
does that
would get wings did you become a pegasus
is that i guess yes they're pegasuses
pegasus literally i was like what's the
plural pegasi
pegasus i think pegasi just
feels slightly better there are two
pegasus and so
they fly away
she gets injured in the fight jimmy
loses his
ever loving [ __ ]
and shifts into a dragon to destroy the
town
what
yeah
so
she does destroy the chalice she's
injured by one of those blood bone ogre
thingies
and so then jimmy like loses it and
apparently he's a dragon so he like
takes off into the sky and starts just
shooting fire and destroying the town
and so
uh do
are all demons dragons no
okay no so the other two demons that she
rescued we had the werewolf and the
werewolf demon yeah so he looks like a
man
but he is a demon who is a werewolf and
then the lamia is the snake man he's the
snake man bottom half snake man snake
snake man whatever
and so
uh usha the innkeeper who agreed to help
is like hey
i'm gonna go get a ship because that's
gonna be the quickest way to get to the
third temple
um and you need to go get your man
and
uh cinnabon is like um
when you say my man exactly she's like i
don't i don't
[Music]
and the werewolf whose name is felix and
the lamia whose name is ambrose
agreed to come along this journey to
defeat the witch and so they go with
usha to secure a ship
so then
cinnabon
goes to stop what's his noodle jimmy
um he's like a an ultimate danger noodle
at this point i feel like that's what a
dragon the ultimate danger noodle
nothing sounds intimidating about
the danger noodle you're like what's
this noodle over there he's the ultimate
danger noodle of all of the danger
noodles i feel like that's what a dragon
is like a regular danger noodle it's
like a rattlesnake
her water moccasin but like the ultimate
noodle or an eel like an electric eel
situation
but the ultimate danger noodle would be
a dragon
but that danger noodle has a lot of
extra parts
he doesn't have wings
how was he flying to shoot fire at the
town
stop
so he's mushu for mulan yes just
shooting fire killing this town yes
so yes mushu from milan is
the ultimate danger so
fallon aka jimmy aka mushu
is destroying the town
and she goes to stop him and she frees
some gladiators who had been kept as
or some demons who'd been kept as
gladiators um and when she frees them
they're all like you looking for a mate
boo because we are into that and she's
like um
the dragon is my mate thanks so wait has
she embraces at this point or she just
trying to not piss off the danger she's
trying to not piss off the gladiator
demons
oh um so not even pissing off jimmy
fallon it was about not pissing off the
present danger yes okay um and so then
he lands behind her
and he's like um
so i'm your mate and she's like that's
not the point you're a dragon
anything else you want to share and he's
like uh yeah i'm 124 years old
[Laughter]
okay why wouldn't he be communication
matters
you embrace so much in a paranormal book
do you
you we embrace it you accept so much
without questioning it in a paranormal
book apparently
although kind of a paranormally
i
was not the best joke i would like to
formally apologize to everyone
hannah wasn't ready
i wasn't ready
i need a hot second y'all okay
so
fallon aka jimmy aka mushu transforms
back into a man
and he picks her up and goes into the
coliseum where all the demon gladiators
were so that they can bathe
um and like wash off all of the the
battle
um and find some clothes and he asks her
like what are you so afraid of
because obviously you're into me
you know good for you
for putting that question out there
jimmy yeah he
you know good on jimmy for owning his
confidence
because i feel like it takes a lot to
tell a woman that she's into you
because for me as soon as a man says i
know you're into it i am not anymore
that is also
all right to be fair i i think i was
focusing more on like the conversation
aspect of like so what are you
so afraid of like why are you holding
yourself back like it seems like you're
into this was more of the interpretation
i was going that is the goal i think
like that's the intent less of like i
know you're into me why won't you just
embrace it and you're like no that does
not land as well the tone comes later so
then
um
she tells him about her ex-boyfriend who
left her because she was too boring
and so because she didn't want to go on
these adventures and stuff anymore after
her sister died and so
she's like i'm pretty sure you're gonna
get tired of me like you're a demon who
does all these amazing things like
you're gonna be bored with me eventually
that's sad um when we finish our quest
and then
um he ties her to the bed at that point
he's like you are not boring
let me demonstrate
ties her to the bed and eats her out
very thoroughly according to my notes
yeah so he was just making good on the
promise from earlier when he very
thoroughly told her how he planned to
eat her out yes he delivered fully
and for some reason i have page 101 on
here if anyone wants to know where that
that [ __ ] is at it's page 101. okay but
what was that on your kindle and what
font size were you using it was on my
kindle and i don't know i mean i guess
it probably still is page 101 because i
don't think that shifts but
i'm i do know when you like zoom in to
like 12 point font
or size 12 font on your kindle but then
the page numbers stay the same until you
get to the next i never actually know
because i don't actually well here's the
thing i never put my non-page number i
always keep my kindle on um time left in
chapter
me too yeah so i like never actually
know i'm like i could be reading a page
and a half
versus what like the book was published
as but i actually never have any idea
what page number i'm on i always keep it
to time left also but anyway
so regardless she has an excellent
orgasm and then good for her
and good for him
so then he unties her and tells her to
turn on her side
um and keep her legs together
and this just we're just gonna go here
so he then starts [ __ ] between her
thighs but he doesn't actually penetrate
her
is is he rubbing against
her
lips or is he is rubbing against her
labia yes
i'm really sorry you guys
[Laughter]
okay so
we go with it yeah so he won't [ __ ] her
because she hasn't consented to mate him
and consent matters it does
so
um that's how that happens she has
another orgasm because apparently he's
bumping up against stuff that she's into
and then
um he's like i still want to meet you
like this [ __ ] is still on the table and
she's like
um
is it i don't know
and so then they go to sleep
and that's it
and then when you said that's it for a
second i thought you meant that's how
the book
no that's not how the book ends but that
is how the scene ends okay okay go to
sleep
and he holds her very gingerly it's very
sweet
um and he's like you could never be
boring you are horribly interesting
because that's apparently his descriptor
for her
so then
felix who is the werewolf demon that she
rescued is there when she wakes up
and um
fallon is not so he says they're going
to meet fallon usha who's the innkeeper
in ambrose who is the lamia at a ship
so she needs to like get up and get
dressed
so they get there and usha is arguing
with the other shopkeeper from the
street where fallon and cinnamon were
previously
and he calls her a fat she whale
and ambrose gets
pissed and throws are
our other innkeeper
through a wall and then ushers usha away
he's like come with me boo because i'm
into that
and so then
usha and cinnabon
are co-captains at this point of this
ship
and um they decide they're going to have
a feast
to celebrate because several demons
who've been freed from slavery when they
when when jimmy destroyed the town
um are very grateful for their freedom
and so they agreed to be essentially the
like crew of the ship
and so um they have a feast for them
so then usha another female demon named
holly who i if i'm remembering correctly
is a centaur and felix who has declared
his himself as cinnabon's bestie
um all eat it while um they try to
convince cinnabon to go declare her
feelings to jimmy because she's feeling
it like she's intuited this and like
everyone else knows she's into it
everybody knows everybody knows but like
she's like but i don't know like
like i feel weird
so cause like what if he's not really
into me like what if he just wants to
get laid
so
she then goes to find him after her
friends hype her up she goes to find him
and then she chickens out
and she's like goes back to her friends
she's like i couldn't do it i couldn't
do it
and then she just gets smash hammer
drunk that is literally what my notes
say
she gets smash hammer drunk
so then
our girl cinnabon wakes up with a
terrible hangover surrounded by cheese
because apparently
while she was very drunk
she declared herself the cheese queen
and demanded that all the members of
of the crew of the ship bring her all
the cheese they could find and so in her
her quarters she is just
surrounded
by cheese i've heard of way worse ways
to wake up
than with like all of the cheese of your
choosing agreed so then she's like maybe
i dreamed that
maybe that's not real cause i really
hope not because she doesn't remember
everything
so then
um
one of the crew comes in and it's like
hey we found a cargo ship you want to
approve us robbing that real quick
and she's like i literally
don't care get out
go do whatever you want just go
at this point my head is killing me like
i'm hungover rob whoever you think you
need to rob just don't interrupt me
exactly and jimmy is in bed with her but
they're both clothed
so then
um
she tells jimmy that she loves him she's
like actually you know what i love you
and he is like
bet time to mate [ __ ] and she's like
yup
so then he bites her to complete the
mating and she gets like super horny
she's like i will literally
do anything for a klondike bar like what
do i have to do
like
what do i have to do
and he says
listen
here's what you don't know about dragons
i am super petty and you have made me
wait for a month so you can wait and
leaves her
[Laughter]
whoa
oh he's like hey fallon
he's like mushu jimmy
classic mushu jimmy over there
so she's like
uh
what and he's like you just approved the
crew to rob a ship we need to go support
their efforts you're the captain and
like goes to help them rob the ship
so and so she thinks that the whole
cheese queen thing maybe she made up in
her mind but when she comes out felix
who has declared himself her bestie is
like what up cheese queen how's it
hanging she's like god damn it
i think it's sweet she just misses her
best friend brie fondue she does
so anyway
the mating is complete she's super horny
they go to assist with robbing of the
other ship and they come out and they
find that the whole other crew has
already surrendered and everybody's like
well that's [ __ ] lame that was
underwhelming we were really hoping for
a fight here
and then they
the members of their crew who had
boarded the other ship bring someone up
who has a collar on who's obviously a
demon who is enslaved and fallon is like
um
that's a [ __ ] dragon
uh
everybody panic
he's like this is a trap this is not
good
and so the dragon then shifts and this
is a um
an ice dragon i think if i'm remembering
correctly of course jimmy is a um fire
dragon he well he's a a
shadow dragon the [ __ ] does that so he's
he has shadows and fire anyway i don't
know it's not really important so then
um my notes say
um
dragon shifts and [ __ ] everybody up
so then jimmy also shifts and there's a
big fight in the air cinnabon rides one
of her flying horses who just showed
back up
um to help she shoots arrows that are
tipped with cinnamon into the other
dragon trying to like break the spell
but then she recognizes that the third
chalice is actually tied to his neck so
the cinnamon isn't going to be enough to
break the spell because the witch's
essence is like
permeating on his [ __ ] yeah
so she
jumps on to the other
dragon's back
to smash
the chalice
and then they crash land on an island
jimmy comes right behind and crashes as
well
everybody shifts back to their human
form and then passes out
and then
she wakes up being carried by a very
naked jimmy to a waterfall on the island
and he's like it's time to bang i don't
know what i was thinking with this whole
like petty [ __ ] but i'm not with it
anymore
and it's it's time
so
he
he was like i'm really petty about sex
until we have a near-death experience
and then i just want to be near you
basically yes there
so he is
super dominating there's a lot of like
praise kink happening as well
um and so it's very much like
are you gonna be my good little girl
like that kind of [ __ ] and then he eats
her out and bangs her from behind and
it's
life-changing
um and so then
they start walking back um and gathering
fruit and food and stuff to eat and then
all of a sudden our girl cinnabon is
like holy [ __ ]
we didn't use any kind of protection
like oh god like i am not ready to be a
parent are you ready to be a parent and
she has like this whole moment
and jimmy was like hold up babe i got
you covered
he had a rune directly under his belly
button to prevent pregnancy
and she's like you are so awful
and so she kisses it
like kisses the rune and then she is
like
i
like this position i'm gonna blow you
so she starts to blow him while rubbing
one out
and then usha shows up and is like i
found them
we should come back later
and jimmy is like bet let's finish this
and
cinnabon is no longer in the mood she's
like you can finish it yourself thanks
so
they go back to the ship
the other dragon the spell has been
broken
and so he is older he's a storm dragon
and he offers to pull the ship storm
dragon not ice dragon he's a storm
dragon he offers to pull the ship in
order to cut the travel time so they
have now destroyed three out of the four
chalices
and so he's like allow me
so they do all of that
they get to this like mountain pass
thing
um oh i forgot so while
the storm dragon is pulling the ship
cinnamon is super sick like really
really seasick and fallon is very very
sweet like bringing her things and like
taking good care of her it's all very
nice
so then they get to this mountain pass
and then jimmy has shadow power so he
like hides the ship in shadows so that
they can stay
under the radar
um and then he shifts and has everybody
get on his back so that he takes them up
to the temple because this is like he
doesn't have wings he doesn't have wings
i feel very strongly about him just
slithering through the air without wings
kimberly i'm loving the book you wrote
so far
but i'm very confused on the lack of
dragon wings and his upward
gravity-defying mobility
it's magic
you can't just keep whispering it's
magic that doesn't cover everything
sure it does fine
jimmy
the shadow dragon
yeah without his
wings yeah
takes them up to the temple fair and
then some humans come out to stop them
and it turns out this is like the four
people that were selected by the goddess
slash witch
so one of them is the girl from her
village and the other one turns out is
her ex
[Music]
and so there's a big fight
and jimmy fights the two idiots from her
village and rips off her ex's arm he's
into ripping off arms and then
usha and our girl cinnabon they fight
the evil witch there's lots of things
happening there's like the blood and
bone ogre thing again
and usha is hurt and so she's struggling
some
and then cinnabon
so so during the mating apparently they
share
magic and so she should be able to
control some of his powers but that's
something that usually takes a pretty
significant amount of time but obviously
in this case cinnamon calls jimmy's
magic to create shadows herself to like
throw off the evil witch
and destroys the chalice however
the witch still has the one body so
she's destroyed all the stuff that makes
her immortal
and like all the separate containers so
essentially we got rid of all of the
horcruxes yes but we still have the one
body so we did rip off harry potter
slightly we did okay um and so then um
cinnabon is also injured and then jimmy
kills the witch absorbing all of her
power
um
and then one of the remaining heroes so
there are four so the the two from her
village are like oh [ __ ] like this is
not a goddess like this is not a good
situation we should help cinnamon and
then one of the remaining heroes is like
this [ __ ] trying to kill our goddess
like blah blah blah and tries to kill
her so then jimmy kills him like rips
off his head
and then he goes after the other two
village idiots but then
cinnamon protects them
jimmy grabs her flies away tells her
just have a nice nap babe like just have
a nap
and so then she wakes up a few days
later we're almost to the end
she wakes up a few days later back on
the island where their mating was
officially consummated
and um
he used the the magic that he absorbed
from the witch to like build them a
house and like have a nice place for
them to stay
um he made her a crab boil because he
was paying attention when she was making
her crawdad boil and so he was like i
paid attention i made you food did they
have all of them necessary seasoning
they did oh thank god so then um he
tells her that he wanted her to sleep
for a few days because
he didn't want her to see how upset he
was about the whole situation with her
being injured
and that also he just wants to keep her
on the island for a few years until
she gets mastery over his powers and can
protect herself better and she's like
um
can't you just make me a shield like
you shielded yourself the only option
yeah she's like you shielded yourself
jackass like can you not shield me
and he's like
i'm an idiot
yes i can do that she's like i know i
know that's why that's our new game plan
and so they bang it's actually super hot
because they're having this whole
conversation whatever and she's like
okay okay okay now flip me over and tell
me i'm a good girl oh my god damn
good for you girl okay
get it
so then
epilogue three months later
she gets home finally
um very happy family reunion
everybody's very happy to see her
everything is great
um and that's the end and you know
i really
did enjoy this book very much
i will say
i was a little disappointed that there
wasn't more development for the side
characters because i got even with like
the brief moments with usha
and bree and
ambrose and felix and everything like i
got kind of invested in them oh i want
to know how they're doing yeah i was
like wait a minute like
do ambrose and usha get together because
i hope so like i hope that they're gonna
be a series
yes this is the first one um but still
like normally in series where it's like
a standalone for each couple there's a
little bit more of something there's
something that's like leading you and
being like oh i can't wait for when
their book drops exactly instead of just
like what
yeah i mean this one sounded super fun
it was really it was a really
excellent vacation read you know
it
i never had any doubt that our main
characters weren't going to get together
and have a happily ever after there was
never any like
super angst where i was concerned about
anybody's safety
but it did have enough intrigue to keep
me like it was engaged it was funny it
was really funny so okay what would we
rate it then
i'm gonna say
four out of five crawfish
well those are pretty small
okay
just more cheese wheels jeez
how many wheels of gouda
how many fondue pots oh
how many fondue pots
um
i'm gonna go with like
eight and a half out of ten
full fondue pots
that's a
great review thank you
i
i love fondue i can [ __ ] up some
dippable chocolates and jesus 100
and i really did like this was an
enjoyable read like there were some
things that i wish were a little bit
more it was a short book so there were
things that i wish that she had gone
into a little bit more uh but again like
it was a really fun read
um and the story was interesting and the
characters were funny and the dialogue
was good so yeah
eight full fondue pots one half fondue
pot out of ten
when i used to work psychiatric crisis
my supervisor was a
magician on the side
and
one of his like standing gigs was at
the melting pot
as a magician
is is is
the fondue not magic enough
like
you need a card trick and a balloon
animal on top of that
i mean i don't
um
no i think eight and a half fondue pots
is a great rating especially because
like
fondue is versatile you have plenty of
types each pot could be filled with a
different
kind of type of cheese or chocolate damn
i could [ __ ] up some i was just thinking
that all right i think i want some
cheese we're gonna go
find something now because i think we
made ourselves hungry so
this one sounds fun i haven't read it
yet but i'm really excited for this
author as they are dropping more stuff
and i can't wait to read it in the
future yep 100 so thank you all for
joining us for this review of
that time i got drunk and saved a demon
by kimberly lemming thank you yeah we
hope you have a great day smart [ __ ]
or smut puppies depending on where
you're at
or [ __ ] pups was that the third one [ __ ]
we're not gonna remember all of these
choose your own name we hope you have a
great day bye next week on smack club
i'm here to provide the perspective of
some i have never read no okay i'm lying
after middle school i have not read any
smut and sometimes
thank you you were reading smut oh yeah
in middle school
what kind um so okay
this is gonna be very specific but okay
so let me see if i can find it it's
called like a hustler's wife
hold up you read a book called a hustler
i don't hear i don't think you need to
find it yes by nicki turner by nikki
turner anyone who knows those hood
classics from back in the day yes
because there was a hustler's wife and
then there was forever a hustler's wife
the autobiography of a hustler's wife so
this was the first month you've read
since middle school
when you read a hustler as well and
these are the
the like images did your mother know you
were reading these characters no because
we would go to barnes and noble
and then
in this would be in the african-american
book section
would be these books and so me and my
sisters would buy them and we would just
swap them
out
and they were
okay i don't want to be disrespectful
they weren't the best but
they were disgusting and so y'all didn't
read smut books in middle school
no
no no
can't say i did
[Music]
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[Music]