There is very little time or point in an explanation. To be blunt,
the audio came from a timeline and dimension that has collapsed
at a quantum level, rendering it null and void in terms of existence.
Operational time in the dimensional continuum where the beings that created the
audio collapsed in on itself, rendering all of their civilization,
including technology, null and void. Timelines across the entire
continuum are collapsing and changing. The destruction has a nexus that
centers on cinema. Psyops.
Ten years. Man 1010 years.
Ten years. Man ten years.
Ten years.
1010 years.
Ten years.
What is the most likely way humanity will be wiped out? Maybe it's something from
space or us. Although the way the world ends might
be because of you. And if this is the case, you wouldn't have any control
over it. The global temperature rise underscores a chilling reality.
Our planet is trying to tell us something, but we don't seem
to be listening. A recent study has suggested that one third of annual deaths due
to heat are directly related to global warming.
On top of the initial flash of thermonuclear light,
which is 180 million degrees, which catches everything on fire
in a nine mile diameter radius. On top of the bulldozing
effect of the wind, all the buildings coming down, and more fires
igniting more fires on top of the radiation if they happen to have survived
poisoning people to death. On top of all that, each one of these fires
creates a mega fire that is 100 or more
square miles.
Timelines across the entire continuum are collapsing and
changing. The destruction has a nexus that centers on cinema.
Psyops. A breathtaking scientific revolution is taking
place. Biotechnology has been progressing at
stunning speed, giving us the tools to eventually gain control over
biology, solving the deadliest diseases, while also creating
viruses more dangerous than nuclear bombs. Able to devastate
humanity. It's man returning to the
most primal, violent state as people fight over
the tiny resources that remain. What if the
world we live in is just a dream or a simulation? Whether it's a dream
or some advanced computer game you are playing right now, now, when it ends,
you would be what causes the end of the world. Please, do us all a
favor. Continue dreaming or playing this game of life. Because when
you wake up or unplug, there's a chance the rest of us will be blaked
out of existence. Timelines across the entire continuum
are collapsing and changing. The destruction has a nexus
that centers on cinema. Silence.
1010 years.
Ten years.
And welcome to the 474th consecutive week
of Cinema Psyops. I'm your host, Cort, the guy who got to
pick the movie that we're reviewing this week and wondering how his co host Matt
enjoyed it himself. I remember I've seen this movie a billion
times. Good. We're talking, dude, when I was a.
Kid, this movie was on all the fucking time. But I watched it all the
time. Yeah, at first it was a staple of HBO, and I
think it still is. But then at some point in time, I remember it getting
on, like TBS or somebody else had the rights to it where it was edited
for cable slightly. Yeah. I don't remember cable, but yeah,
I remember HBO. It was almost always on HBO,
like, a lot. Yeah. And I may be misremembering it, but what
I ended up doing was years and years ago, finding a
dvd of it and watching that dvd over and over again.
And I saw it a ton as a kid on HBO as well. This was
something that I have practically memorized. I could probably just throw
my notes away and randomly play the clips out for you and explain what's happening
in between all of them. Mostly because literally everything is a clip.
Yeah, pretty much. That's what I was able to do with these last two movies.
For my last two movies, clue and major league,
I could have done that. Yeah, that's, that's the whole point. It's ready to go.
It's just there. It's all self contained. It's, it wants you to clip it.
It really does. That's why the dialogue is terrific in this. I'm really
happy that you like this and that you've seen it a ton. And clearly if
you watched it a bunch as a kid, you loved it. Yeah. It doesn't hold
up to your warm and fuzzy memories as being a kid, but we're going to
hold that and find out if it does. When we actually do the review,
we'll talk about it. All right. Yeah. But my blue
heaven, something that I've been watching for pretty much the
entirety of my life since I was a child, as long as I can remember
watching movies, I've been watching this on HBO or somewhere in some way, shape or
form, and I've made other people watch it that somehow have missed it. Like,
I made sure that my wife watched it. I even showed my
sister in law at one point in time, she was staying over with us
when they were having their house renovated for or something along those lines. I don't
remember what exactly it was, but we had like a slumber party night where my
sister in law stayed over, and the next day
she needed to kill a little bit more time. And it, it just so happened
that the time she needed to kill was approximately the running time of my
blue heaven. And I sold her by saying, this is Steve Martin doing something
completely different than any other role he's ever done or you're ever gonna
see him do. Yeah, and trust me. And it's Rick Moranis. Yeah. And it's
Rick Moranis doing every role he's ever done as perfectly
as he's always done it. But, like, kind of a tough guy version of that
at the same time, when it comes to it, you know, like. Well, you always
can. He always adds little versions. Like in the parenthood,
he's a swarmy, fucking, like, jerk parent. You know what I mean?
Yeah. And then, you know, in Ghostbusters,
he was the nerdy Lewis, and this one, he's. But there's always
that air of non confidence to him that is maybe just
seething underneath whatever character it is. Or right up front,
I think it's just the canadian enemy, so unsure if he's offended anyone, and he
wants to know if everybody wants him to worry about. Sorry. Yeah,
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah.
I'm not going to try and defend the accents in this, because everybody's
speaking terribly at trying to pretend to be the characters that they're pretending to be.
Let's face it, watching it grow italian. In there a little bit much,
huh? Yeah. Yeah. We talked about cultural appropriation
in the last film, last week, and I think this week the Italians have a
little grievance with my blue heaven that that might be justifiable. They might.
Yeah. But, you know, it is what it is.
I sensed you wanting to go somewhere else and then going, hey, wait, can I
still get canceled? No, I'm not even. I could definitely still get canceled, so.
Yeah, you're not even on social media. What does it matter? People don't even.
I know, right? Unless it's nowhere. Yeah. Yeah. It's this show first.
So what's going to happen? They're going to get this show canceled from social media?
I don't even promote anymore. Yeah, this show's not even on
social media. Not really. Not so as anyone would notice,
anyway. Yeah, right. Anyway, fuck it. Let's just
move on. Let's actually do the fucking review. So let's get into this
review this. Week, all the music featured in the film of my Blue
Heaven. So, of course, up first is Fats Domino's version of my
Blue Heaven, immediately following this on the pirate radio edit. This will keep
you quiet. Oh, hi there. I didn't. Hi,
there, folks. You got a problem with pesky gargoyles,
perhaps oversized rabbits, also known as lepus in Latin.
Paul court and mats. Gargoyle slash
oversized rabbit exterminators extraordinaire. Folks, we can
take those fluffy little bastards right out for you.
Dad, those slimy dog oils, whether they're the winged breeders or the
non winged. Breeders, we sure will make sure we. Get inside that cave and
exterminate every single last one of them. Oh, yeah, we have all the
best. Products up in there. They can't even hide the caves.
It's all we need to get rid of an entire crop of eggs from them.
Gargoyles. We also have the ability to electrify train
tracks to shock large numbers of oversized rabbits that
are carnivorous thanks to. A weird serum they've been injected with.
It may sound ridiculous, but folks, trust. Me, it does
happen. It's called mat and corks.
Exterminators extraordinaire.
And those slimy gargoyles, you just give us a ring any
time of day, any time of night. We're here for you.
We're ready to exterminate food.
Hi there, friends. Are you suffering under the weight
of your favorite actors? Douchebaggery? Oh,
no. Well, you're not alone and it's okay.
I used to enjoy Braveheart, but then, oh no.
Mel Gibson went on a racist, fundamentalist nazi tyrant.
I used to love lethal weapon films. And just
because Chevy Chase allegedly slapped cherry o Terry
in the face and left ranting voicemails on Dan Harmon's phone
doesn't mean you can't still love Fletch who lives
or the vacation movies. It's okay.
Come visit us at Sandy Shores. We'll teach you that loving
your favorite shows and movies is safe because those douchebags can't
hurt you. Here, we'll watch you with you. And none of us will
judge you for what you love, because we love stuff that
has douchebags in it too. Here at Sandy Shores,
love who you are and enjoy the entertainment that
you used to love before they hurt you. It'll be
okay. Welcome to Sanity Shore.
Oh, goodness. That song. If you like it, you don't mind how much it's
featured in the movie and becomes part of the soundtrack at all. You just.
It just fades into the background and you just kind of go in. And if
you don't like the song and you don't like this movie, then chances are you
aren't going to be listening to this podcast anyway, so it doesn't matter. Yeah,
you're probably just in the fucking lead. Well, for those of you that are still
here and actually want to hear us talk about my blue heaven, let's get started
on the first 30 minutes. Word up. All right. The first 30 minutes of
my blue heaven. The film opens with the titular song that I just played at
the very beginning with the credits over still frames of the boring, sort of midwest
looking sort of fields of some sort. It's like small town America
or rural America or, I don't know, suburban America is what they're trying
to set the mood for, which is essentially the hell of a man from
New York's sleaze and grime. Like they're not going to want to be here anyway.
The farmland sea of mediocrity and pressured politeness of the
cornfield dwelling flatlanders is all on display in these short
pictures of that type of life. Then we get a little bit of a story
point text that pops up. So that is my first photo to avoid
having to write it down in notes. And it says the beginning of the story
in which I moved to a small community in the middle of nowhere and my
marriage breaks up. We then see a clearly government car pulling
up to a house with a moving truck, where Rick Moranis
gets out and so does Steve motherfucking Martin. There is dialogue.
So, of course, that is our first flip, ma'am. Now,
this is a real nice house. It's one of the nicest we've ever moved anyone
like you into. It's got gas, heat, fully air conditioned,
harvest gold fixtures in the kitchen if you like that kind of thing.
Some of the ladies do. Hey, Linda, what do you think? I always promised
you a nice house somewhere in America. Let's not get carried away,
okay, Vinny? It's gonna be a lot easier if you two start calling
each other Terry and Todd. It's a nice house,
Terry. Okay? No, you're Terry and he's Todd.
Let's take a look inside. I'll need your
Social Security number so I can process your payment.
My what? Your Social Security number so we can pay you.
2211-5569-9822-1125-2 that's
one too many numbers. Take off the five.
If you have any problems at all, call my office in San Diego. They always
know where I am. Truth is, I'm usually there. We'll let you know as soon
as we know when we're going to New York to testify. Great. Great. Thanks for
everything. You're gonna like it here, ma'am. It's a real nice community. I'd live here
myself if my wife didn't. You hate it, right? No. She'd hate it here,
right? No, not at all. Take my word for it. She'd hate it. No,
she has to live near the center of town because of her work. She works
with athletes. Say, if you ever want tickets to a baseball game, just give me
a call. Great baseball. Cause the Padres play the Mets every so often.
You know, though you folks would probably be Yankees fans. It's been my experience
the most organized crime people are. I love the Yankees.
Linda loves the Yankees. So does Terry. Who's Terry?
You are. Anyway, you have any questions at all, just give me a call.
Listen, thanks for everything. I really appreciate it.
This is my job. I get paid. You don't tip FBI men.
Sure you do. Yo, Frankie,
you think this guy's from. Hey, there's a 04:00 non stop
out of here. Really? Going back to New York. You'll find another
wife. I know. I could've called out months ago. You wouldn't have gotten the big
house. You wouldn't have gotten the extra allowance for the spouse. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. Next time I see you, you'll be eating white bread.
You will probably even like. It's not bad with egg salad. Once you
get used to it, it's. Better than a slammer. Yeah, keep telling yourself that,
sweetheart. You might even believe it after a while. And stay out
of my purse while I'm on the phone. I wasn't in your purse.
Yes, you were. You're always accusing me. Put the visa card back
in my purse, Vinny. I'd like a
cab, please. At. What the frig is the address here? How should I know?
Number one happy street.
During the clip, Vinny actually does some purse snatching and rifling.
But Linda knows what's up. And that's why she yells at him to put the
card back. And they cut it. From this to our next title card, which is.
My friend Barney Coopersmith has his problems,
too. The title card drops to our next
clip. You know what the guy tried to do? I have no
idea. I haven't met a criminal in years. He tried to tip me.
Can you believe that? How much?
$100. $100? Well, that's not the point.
The point is the man. Property gratuity. It's against protocol. I can't accept that.
No, no, I know you can't take it. Not to mention he was insulting.
That's completed, Cooper Smith. Yes, sir. This really isn't going to take a
lot of my time. Sir, this guy's living in the middle of nowhere. I was
wondering if there was anything else I could take on in addition to my regular
duties, sir. Cooper Smith. This is an extremely important government witness.
When you've delivered him safely to his two court appearances, then we'll talk about something
else. Not before. Very good, sir. Back to the dangerous
world of FHA fraud. Oh, I don't want to fill out any more
forms. I want to go undercover. I want
to stake out a real son of a bitch in a farmhouse in the middle
of nowhere and eat a lot of takeout food. I want to wear a windbreaker.
Once, when I was undercover, I got to drive a BMW.
I know. Can't help it.
The high point of my life. I'm getting back into undercover
work. Forget it, Kirby. It's against regulations. There's overtime
involved. You can't catch criminals in the FBI if there's overtime
involved. Something could change. Things change.
Yeah, right. This is San Diego,
all sports radio. We're talking about last night's
game. Another heartbreaking loss by the home team. The pods,
way ahead, lost in the 9th when Wally Bunting walked in the winning
run. Fans, what are we gonna do about Wally Bunting?
Barney? Wally. Too bad.
Could happen to anybody, right? I guess so.
Relief pitch. It's a high risk occupation. Anybody could
blow a seven run lead. Hey,
whatever. They're sending me down to
the miners. To Wichita. I'm sorry, Wally.
I'm gonna miss you. Margaret'll miss you, too, I'm sure.
Well, I mean, therapists aren't supposed to say that they'll miss their patients,
so how do I know? Boy, this is the second relief pitcher
she's lost to the minors this season. I'm going to Barney.
Where? To Wichita. Why on earth would you go to Wichita?
How old are you? 26.
Look, I'm sorry, Barney, but it's just no fun here.
You're no fun. What do you mean, I'm no fun? You get
the oil change on the second Tuesday. You get the car wash on the fourth
Thursday. You get your hair cut on the 11th of the month. You never,
ever get a different haircut. Look at the way you eat pancakes. What's wrong with
the way I eat pancakes? Does he eat pancakes? He has
a system for eating pancakes. So that the bottom pancake gets
as much syrup as the top one. He has a system for
everything, Molly. Okay, most importantly, during that clip,
I want to know what this system is for the pancakes, because the syrup distribution
is very interesting to me. Yeah, it sounds like it makes sense, man. Doesn't sound
like one gets soggier than the others. I don't know what this lady's problem is.
This man might be a genius. Colleen camp should have stayed and tried
to take that beach house because, damn, is that real estate. Impossible to
have on the basic FBI salary these days. Oh, yeah. Nowadays it's
fucking terrible. I mean, you can't get that anymore. I don't know what Colleen
camp was thinking. I'm guessing it's her sports therapy business that
paid for that house anyway, so. Keep that for yourself, girl. Make him leave.
Speaker one. Yeah, right. Maybe she thought because he's in the FBI, he could,
like, tap into some, like, you know, government shit. I don't
know. It just doesn't make any sense. Other than she's just leaving because he's the
worst relief pitcher in history that she also happens to be fucking. Which means that
she will be a doctor because she's fucking her patients.
Anymore. Because all the patients she does have suck at baseball.
So who's going to use her anymore, right? I mean, the guy gave up an
eight run lead. But still.
No, he said no. He said seven, and then the kid corrected him to eight.
It was an eight run. Yeah, that's right. Eight. Yeah. Anyway, holy shit,
dude. But also, the manager should be fired. How are you
going to let a dude blow an eight run lead? You know, once they score
two runs, you take them the fuck out. Anyway, after the clip, we see
the title, a musical interlude, and it's Barney working in the office late at night
in order to deal with his sadness. And he stands up for the national
anthem and does the salute because, you know, he's Diehard FBI. Then it
cuts to Vinnie tossing cards and listening to Tony Bennett, all sad.
He goes outside to the hell world. That is what looks like a midwestern
flatlandia. But it's very unclear where he is because Barney is based out
of California in San Diego. Vinnie looks like he's living somewhere
in the midwest, and yet they're within driving distance of each other.
Somehow they didn't do a real great job of geography
geographically. Yeah. Yeah. But it definitely looks like a midwestern flatlandia
where Jin is. Yeah.
Which, again, is maybe jail. Not so bad at this point, because at
least that way he'd be around noise and grime and the things that he's used
to. Like this looks like a living hell for someone like him. To me.
For him. Yeah. For me, that place looks great.
It cuts from this to a new title card and it says,
I get arrested for no reason whatsoever.
And we see Vinnie at a midwestern grocery store pulling some New York
swindler bullshit, where he. He is surly at everyone,
steals a pricing gun and starts immediately marking down all of the meat department.
And I mean, all of the meat department. It's one of the. That's a
core memory scene for me. It shows him dealing with a wonky wheel
on his cart like a normal person that would be in this type of store.
And then check out where all of the meat department, and I mean all
of the meat department, is only on sale for $0.39.
Yeah, he gets, like, $12, I think, is what it ends up being. And he
pays with a $100 bill, and the kid makes a big deal out of it.
Cause I don't think he's ever seen a 100 before, is the point.
It really shows you the times. Yeah. And then he gets $100 bill.
Wouldn't cover any of the groceries in that cart. Yeah. Even if the meat was
all $0.39. Yeah, yeah, I'd say. I'd say if price
today, $100 ain't doing shit. He gets
off scot free whenever he leaves, even though the manager stops him
to ask him how his shopping was. And he demands arugula from the
store manager, who has never even heard of such a vegetable.
Yeah, vegetable. Veggie table.
We. When we think he's basically busted for a split second, when that
ends up happening. But the store manager, obviously is just as, you know,
hopeless as everybody else there. Yeah, it cuts from this, too.
New title card of I get arrested for no reason. And that is our third
clip. Hey, Hannah, we've got a grand theft auto just waiting
for you. Let me, Adam, and let me know when you're done with him,
because I could use them. He makes the hairs on the back of my neck
stand up. That's all I'm gonna say. The hairs on the back of your neck?
Yes. That has never happened to me. I have
never been interested in anyone on any level. Unless I know,
of course, if he's a college graduate. Yes. Okay,
that probably seems quite comical to you. It's your life. Suit yourself.
I did. Look where I got me.
Todd Wilkinson. I'm Hannah Stubbs.
I'm the assistant district attorney. How you two girls doing?
What robbery? I borrowed a guy's car. He gave you the
keys, is that correct? He was supposed to leave the keys in
the car, but he didn't, right? You. Peter left him in the cardinal. Then I
wouldn't have had to jump start it. How do you happen to know how to
jumpstart a car? I learned it in the army. I was in the motor pool,
and everyone was always losing their keys. The entire United States army
would not have moved had it not been for me jump starting it.
And it came in handy on several occasions. Jump starting
ambulances in order to get invalids to the dialysis
machines. What was the name of, um.
What was his name? Eddie. Eddie what? That's all I know,
except he drives a blue Nuthenne. The car you were picked up in was not
a blue nova. It was a green Chrysler. Oh, well, that explains
it. I jump started the wrong car. I was in
a hurry. I was on my way to church to stay a few novenas
for thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is not a catholic holiday. Thanksgiving is
very big with the Italians. Turkey cacciatore, sweet potato
parmesan. There is no such thing as thanksgiving
in Italy. It is an american holiday, and I've been to Italy.
It's not american. To Florence, right? Yes. Ever been to Sicily by now,
any chance? No. Thanksgiving is very big in
Sicily on account of the large number of Sicilians
who went to America and then got thrown back out. There were two
cases of liquor in the backseat of that car. People drink too much.
Those two cases of liquor were reported stolen from
Kelly's liquor on Fifth street earlier today. You're kidding me.
I accidentally borrowed the wrong car of a guy who stole
some liquor earlier today. The car you stole belongs
to the Reverend Malcolm Dickinson. He is the minister
of the Presbyterian church here in Freiburg.
Are you sure he's a minister? One of my best friends.
Makes his living, is a completely phony minister. For $2,
I can make you a minister. Some guys steal your money,
but these guys, they steal your heart.
Now, can you see him? What's the license number
e n for? Oh, down the hall, one flight up to your left.
N for. Call me Vinny. It says here
your name is Todd. Barney Coopersmith, FBI.
Hannah Stubbs of the district attorney's office. What's going on here,
Vinnie? Barney, you got a ring of phony ministers stealing liquor.
Make me a minister, I'll go undercover, infiltrate them.
We'll nail all these. Knock it off. What do you got? Grand theft
auto. Felony theft. We gave you a car. What happened
to it? If I could remember that, I wouldn't have borrowed the other
one. We're arraigning him in the morning. No, you're not. We most certainly are.
This man is in the federal witness program. He's under the protection of the Federal
Bureau of Investigation. I'm the agent in charge of his. What are you doing in
my purse? Just looking. Cute kids. Thank you. Baseball fans,
I see. Yes. That's your husband. Not anymore.
Come on, Vinny, let's go. You're a good looking girl. Except for those
army. No wonder he split. Come on. You know,
you ought to get yourself a pair of nice high heels. Spectator pumps,
I think they're called. Come on, this way. Where do you think you're going?
This man is a member of an organized crime family. Dead stamp on
everybody. It's a stereotype, and I resent it. He has
to testify at two major mob trials in New York in the immediate future.
So therefore, you are not going to arraign him for anything tomorrow.
Now, wait just a minute. This is
not a dump site for the toxic waste of criminal
America. That's my last mint. Spit that out.
Spit that out right this minute and return it to this woman.
Bring him back here. Lady, this man is much more important than a
couple of petty larceny. That's your opinion. You don't live here.
But if I did, it would be. A great comfort for me to know that
a narrow minded fanatic is looking out for the welfare of this
community. Oh, really? Oh,
really? Oh, really? Really? You gotta do better than that.
You're gonna lose the argument. Stay out of this. Let me ask you something.
How long have you been in this job? Two weeks.
Go to hell. Just go to hell. Way to
go. What if he promises not to do it again? Do me a favor.
Tell this woman you won't do it again. I didn't do anything in the
first place. Which is what I was trying to explain.
I am not happy about this, lady. This is
Justice Department policy. Well, they're wrong.
They're wrong and I'm right. Let me ask you something. Have you ever
been wrong about anything? Yes, once.
The shoes. Right. The shoes are tragic.
Joan Cusack is right. Yeah. Joan Cusack is always a pleasure
on screen. And love the back and forth she has with Steve Martin
in this. Like, they are so just giving everything to each other for the comedy,
and. They'Re just having a great time. Yeah. Riffing off one another.
Right, right. This is like classic marks brothers. People reacting to ridiculous
things that the Marx brothers would say. And Steve Martin is just doing it as
an italian mobster. And then her just being outraged at everything that he's getting away
with. Yep. There is a callback to the
hairs on the back of a woman's neck standing up when she meets the right
guy. That happens when Rick Moranis actually enters the room. You actually see Joan Cusack's
character, like, shocked that that's happening to her. I don't know if you've watched it
before or not. She's all like, what the hell? Yeah. And then the end of
the clip. Martin and Moranis drive off. Cusack storms off,
angry, calling him a revolting, disgusting creep. The red haired female pig
verbally expresses her ovulation at the thought of Vinnie. And then Joan storms
further off, stating, no, not that one. The other one.
We then get a little title card. My friend misses Stubbs has
her problems, too. And that leads to our next clip. Listen carefully,
fluffy. So I'm only saying this once. Tommy and I are going down to
grandma's house for Thanksgiving with dad. Do you remember dad? Yeah.
Used to live here. We're gonna be back on Sunday night.
Promise you won't flush him down the toilet. Mom, I can't promise anything.
Mom. I promise. Oh, come here. You scared me.
So, what's up? What are you doing to your mom? I'm working.
So it's just as well you're going with your dad. Cause I wouldn't be here
anyway. Do you still love our dad? No. But I still love you. And your
dad loves you, and that's all that really matters. Mm hmm.
Hey, everybody ready? Hi, dad. Hi.
Now go on. Have a good time and talk
about this when you get back Sunday. Okay. Bye,
mom. Bye. Bye, mom. Hi, dad. Hi, dad.
Let's go. This is gonna do. Love you,
mom. Well, I really don't think you should just walk
in here like you still live here. Well, I'm supposed to ring the doorbell
at my own house? This is not your house anymore. I may
not live here. It's still my house. Oh, man. That guy.
That's an ass whooping. Like fucking. That's an ass whooping on site
motherfucker. Thanks to a sequence where Joan Cusack's character has a
bit of a meltdown and accidentally murders her son's turtle, they cut
from that horrific scene to a title card. Even on Thanksgiving,
everyone goes to the mall. And that leads to our fifth clip.
I don't like this, Kirby. I really don't. The guy is hanging around a
bar. He's looking to buy stolen credit cards. This could be a major criminal conspiracy.
I don't know. We go undercover, we blow this thing right
out of the water. Who made you undercover? I did.
It doesn't work. Ben. This is your big chance these are not
the good ones. They got a limit. They don't all have limits.
They might not be valid. Oh, they're good. They're good. I just got them out
of the post office. I work at the post office.
You don't know your name, though. My name is Todd Wilkins.
Misses Stubbs. Hey, misses Stubbs. You got you,
hun. We got us a criminal. No, we don't. We got us a criminal.
We already had. Misses Stubbs, as I live
and dream. It's me, Vinny.
I know who you are. I just met you.
Oh, darn it. Brand new shoes. No, these are old
shoes. It's a. It's a miracle they lasted as long as they
did. There could definitely be a transfer of stolen
goods taking place right in front of our eyes. Don't be an idiot,
Kirby. Hey, what is with you lately? Look, I'll take care of this. Go on
home. Go home. Your wife and family. Hey, you can drive away.
I won't follow you. I have another errand to run,
if you don't mind. I. I don't mind. Give me a chance to thank you
for what you did for me the other day. Which,
incidentally, was the worst day of my life. I find that hard
to believe. It's thanksgiving. I'm in a community where I
know no one but my bartender. My wife, God rest her
soul, died three years ago to the day. I am
sorry to hear that. But that is no excuse for criminal.
Babies like your shoes. It's a miracle she lasted as long
as she did. Oh, geeze. Look at these
guys. Look how cute they are. Look at them frolic
like this. I'm sorry,
mister Stubbs. I missed my dog,
too. They made me leave my dog behind.
They wouldn't let you take your dog? He only
answered to his name. What was his name?
Fungul.
Need some help? Yes.
I was like a water turtle. And this gentleman is interested
in the dog. Look at this guy. Hey. Boo, boo, boo, boo. Hey,
hey, hey, hey. Come here, come here, come here. I'm not really.
It'll be a long time before I can even be with another dog.
What are you doing? All right, come on.
Oh, God. I wish I could remember
what the other one looked like. The turtle died. And you are gonna pass
another turtle as the dead turtle,
right? Right. Trust me.
They all look alike.
That one.
Pretty bird. Pretty birds.
Polly wanna cracker it? Don't say Polly wanna crack
em. What do it say? You're under arrest.
I once knew a guy, had a parrot said that.
Yeah,
204 with tax is that correct?
Thank you very much. I think
I'm gonna stay behind and get me a new dog. Excellent. I'm very happy
for you. You dirty rat.
Snitch. Stool pigeon. Informer.
Squealer. You dirty ram.
I already said, you dirty rapid. Yeah, but I say it better.
Johnny Bird.
I thought she was dead. That was a general idea. Billy Sparrow.
Todd Wilkinson. Oh, that's a good one. Who's a
dame? An assistant DA I recently made the acquaintance
of. They picked you up? Misdemeanor. They don't have
misdemeanors here. They just have felonies.
Where's Linda? Couldn't take her.
Geez, I'm glad to see you. I was feeling so alone.
You are not alone.
You are really not alone.
Barney. Barney. What a day. What a
great day. What are you doing here, Vinny? What do you mean, what am
I doing here? I live here.
I live here. We gotta talk.
What's the matter? You seem down. I'm not down.
You look depressed. I'm gonna take you and I'm gonna buy
you a drink. I'm gonna buy you a flying zombo. That'll cheer
you up. I gotta talk to you.
I'm with you. I have a job. Okay,
I'm with you. My job is to protect you and safeguard you. So you can
testify at two major trials in New York that are gonna send people to jail
who are significantly more important than you. I'm with you. And when you
get up to testify, they're gonna attempt to destroy your credibility. If you
get into trouble here, you're just gonna make it that much easier for them to
tear you down. I'm with you. So you cannot commit credit card
fraud. Who says I committed credit card fraud? Todd. Hey, how you doing?
We have pictures of it. I'm trying to tell you I'm
with you. When I say I'm with you, I don't mean it like an expression.
Like I'm saying. I know what you mean. I mean,
I'm with you. I'm with the government. I'm undercover.
Who made you undercover? I did. It doesn't work that way.
I'm ready to testify against this guy. We'll send him to jail.
I don't want you to testify against the guy. I just want you to keep
your nose clean. Capis? You trying to say
capiche? Yeah. Well, don't do it, because it hurts my ears when
you do it. Just out of curiosity, where's your wife?
She got the chicken pox. It's terrible. She's in the hospital.
Really? Did you tell somebody she was dead? Who told
you this? Okay, okay, maybe I said it.
She left me, Barney. She walked right out the door. Ah, well,
my wife left me, too. When did this happen? In October.
That's when mine broke up. What is it about October?
I don't know. Pressure of Halloween. You never know what to go
as. That cute da.
That's who I told. Hey, you and her, maybe better
chance of you and her than there is of me and her. No, not my
type. You know, I like them a little, uh, I don't know, kind of dirty
or something. You ought to take her out. You ought to marry her. Still married.
I know a guy in Reno who marry you even if you're still married.
I'll arrange the whole thing. Do me a favor. Don't arrange anything. Don't do
anything. Just lay low until we get through in New York.
Stay out of trouble. I'm with you.
All right. And that is the end of the first 30
minutes of the film. I'm with you.
Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you. You trying to say capiche?
Cause don't do it. When you do it, it hurts my ears. Capiche? What does
he say? Capiz again? Yeah, he says Capiz. I think something along those lines.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another core memory. Yeah. A lot of
this movie is a lot of core memories for me for some reason. I don't
know. Yeah. Well, I just need to say that. Yeah, there's a
bunch of italian stereotypes that Steve Martin's character is indulging in,
but at the same time, he's talking about how it's all a bunch of stereotypes.
And this feels like a very heavy satire, because,
let's face it, everyone's a fucking playing the fool at some way,
shape, or form. Like, look how form the FBI. FBI is.
Look who. How overzealous a small town prosecutor is.
It's amped up to be satire, but it's also kind of
gentle in that nature of its satire, with that amping
everything up. Like, they're right. They're almost borderline characters,
but they give you just enough personal things, like Vinny's charisma
and the fact that he generally likes the people that he's always around. And you
can tell he's one of those mobsters where he just wants to make friends with
everybody and just learn, sort of, like, coerce them and gaslight them into doing
what he needs to get done so that he can have his way, as opposed
to using violence and force. Like, that's just the kind of guy he is.
And you can see him being a middle management kind of mafia
guy that could do that and schmooze his way through for years,
right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I love Steve Martin with the dyed
hair and just being completely different than you ever see him be,
like, he's never this confident. This is a very different role for him.
Yeah. He's never this confident of a guy. He's never this charismatic of a guy.
He's always, you know, playing and a bit more of the awkward or just kind
of off put or just flustered guy who's constantly, like, being the straight
man to all the ridiculous stuff that's going on around him, you know, unless he's
being over the top and silly, like in dirty rotten
scoundrels or something like that. Right. Like, he's just got so much
range. And this is something that's very different than what you'll ever see in
any of his other stuff. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's very different.
Well, we can move on if you're ready to go. Yeah, I'm ready to move
on. All right, so the next 30 starts with Vinny meeting up with some old
friends. In our next clip.
Rocco Bermonte, Peter Baker.
Peter Baker. Let's do this.
Richie Paglucci. No, no, no. Michael Peterson.
I was your pallbearer. Appreciate it. Vinny.
Vinny. Nikki. The fish.
What are you doing here? You look fantastic.
What the frig is this? A pie,
paval. There's nothing in it. Last week I
drove 43 miles to a restaurant I heard had good marinara sauce.
How was it? Please. The way I look at
it, this is where you go when you die. Everything's so clean. Very,
buddy. Some nice good thing we're not broke. It would really be miserable.
I'm broke. But you get your check every week from the government,
right? How long do you think you get your check? Forever.
Yeah. Here's to forever.
What are you saying? Read the fine print. They only
send you the check till you testify. Then they
actually expect you to go to work. Bastards.
Creeps. What the hell? Might as well go into business. There's enough
of us here to start a crime wave, okay? That clip ends with
a title card popping up in the cut. And that says, as I am
not trained for anything else, I re embark on my career
of thieving. And at the end of
the clip, it starts a sequence of the ratting out. Other folks,
wise guys teaming up, pulling jobs together again.
And Vinnie gets pulled over immediately after peeling out. When he's told he
must not do any speeding. He does not heed the warning and therefore gets
busted because he's not that great of a criminal. His trunk is loaded with hot
merchandise when he is pulled over. So they cut to his interview with Hannah.
Once again, in our 7th clip. We are not accusing you
of anything but speeding at the moment, Mister Wilkinson.
But I would like very much to know about the items in your trunk.
Which items? Well, let's start
with the cassette players. I don't know anything about cassette players.
40 of them in your trunk. Oh, a guy
I know won those in a contest. They were part of a shipment that was
hijacked four days ago on the way to radio shack. No, that's terrible.
And the swordfish? I know this guy his whole life. He's fishing,
but he caught too many fish. So he asked me would
I keep some fish in my freezer. But I don't have
any room in my freezer on account of another guy I know
giving me a side. So he put the
fish in my trunk while the weather is called unbeknownst
to me. Mister Wilkinson, put the ball away and
sit down. The books. You got something against
books? I have nothing against books. I'm curious
about the books in your trunk. You see,
I was thinking of writing my story, so I bought this book on
how to do it. Why do you need 25 copies of it? In case
I want to read it more than once. I'm sure it will come as no
surprise to you to learn that these books were part of a shipment that
was hijacked yesterday on the way to B. Dalton's.
No. Yes. Mister Wilkinson, how's the turtle, Misses Stubbs?
Fine, thank you. Did your kids ever figure out you switched turtles on them?
Because I know it would be a major disappointment for them to
find out. Did you have a warrant, Barney?
You know what this lady did? She whacked the turtle, but she didn't want to
tell the kids, so she bought new turtles.
You really shouldn't check that on the. Basis of what we found in his trunk.
Did you have a warrant to search his trunk? No. You see,
Barney, she didn't even have probable cause. He had no right to look in the
trunk. Probable cause? Thomas Jefferson put that in the context.
He didn't put it in for you. Yes, he did. I'm exactly the guy he
put it in for. Misses Stubbs, I admire your zeal. Don't patronize me.
I'm the worst case scenario of Thomas Jefferson's. Dreams. This way.
Presumably, the statute of limitations on these crimes will not.
I have been thinking of advising this man to get involved with you, but now
I'm afraid I can't. Because you are definitely losing your sense of humor.
You can't touch him. I can, too. If you ever had a sense of
humor. When you finish testifying, all bets are off.
Everybody thinks they have a sense of humor, but then they don't. All you commit
so much as a misdemeanor, I'm gonna throw the book at you. Okay, here's the
test. What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
What? You can unscrew a lot of. See? No sense of humor
whatsoever. The clip ends with another title card that
pops up. I return to the city of my
birth. They cut from this to our next clip. Care for
something to drink, ma'am? Oh, I don't. Nothing. No, thanks.
Would you like something to drink, sir? Let me borrow that pin again. Thank you.
What can I get you gentlemen to drink today? Ginger ale for me.
Two double scotches, please. We're only allowed to sell you
two drinks, sir. Two double scotches would be four drinks. I see.
All right. How about this? You sell me my double scotch, and you
sell my friend his double scotch. But instead of putting his double scotch
on his tray, you put it on mine, and I'll pay you for both.
By the way, you look fantastic in red and blue,
Pam.
All right, then. That'll be $12. Okay. And keep the
change, please. Oh, we're not allowed to accept tips. Ah.
Not allowed to accept tips. So, your change is eight.
Thank you. Thank you. Can I get you something, ma'am? I'm fine,
thanks. Would you like something to drink? No. You sure? Yeah.
Bye. You tip a flight attendant? I tip everybody.
That's my philosophy. See, actually,
it's not tipping. I believe in what's over tipping.
See, I think this is the kind of thing people would like to know.
Give me that pin again,
Benny. Tomorrow morning, you'll be seeing the prosecutors. Tomorrow morning,
I have an appointment with my tailor. Tomorrow morning, you're going over your testimony with
the prosecutor that tyler's expecting me. At 10:00 the next day, you will testify.
After which, we will get on a plane and go back. You're not to let
anyone know who you are or that you're in town. You will telephone no one.
If you see anyone looking at you like they know you, you tell.
Come on. Believe this. Are you crazy?
Nobody knows I'm here. But then,
Mama undo
my cuffs so I can hug my own mother. I can't do that,
Vinny. Don't make me look like a criminal in front of
my mother. Mama vianney.
Mama vinicaro.
Mom.
Barney. Going through a prince.
I'm Barney
Coopersmith. Limentoi de la makina. Chukiro.
Lamonja,
Colombia.
Philomena. Vienna.
Poste Philomena. Bella Filobeno questo. A Barney
Cooper Smith, inventor at
the. Wankel, invented the rotary.
Vinny. Vinny.
I just love the logic of the storytelling in this, where he is
somehow capable of tricking or getting his family into
trick and team up with Rick Moranis's character and trick Rick Moranis
so that he can get away, yet nobody involved with that rats
him out to the actual mafia. That could kill any of them for doing well.
Yeah, because most of them all ratted up the mafia. That's why they're either dead
or witness protection. No, but this is his family back in New York,
right? Oh, yeah, yeah. His actual family. Yeah. Right, right. So he could actually,
like, you know, his actual family. So, quote unquote, that's supposed to be helping him
and his mother to help him escape Barney. And then. Yet he doesn't run off
and do something else. He still is found by Barney later
on. Like, the logic in this, it makes absolutely no sense. Yet the fact that
they use Barney's humanity against him and manipulate him
is fucking great. It's. It's fun, of course, but don't think about it
too much, because it'll just fucking ruin it for you. Pure and, yeah, you did.
It won't. It won't make any sense. Well, anyway, as I
mentioned, Vinnie slinks away beautifully when Barney is introduced to Philomena because you.
You know, the poor thing, he lost his wife, and he invented the rotary engine.
But turns out, no Wankel actually invented the rotary engine.
They cut from this to a sequence of an overhead shot of New York.
And we see Vinnie at his tailors as Barney storms in because he found him
somehow. And that is our 9th clip. Where the hell were you all night?
These little town blues are
melting away Vinny, we're late.
We have an appointment downtown. You see what I mean?
Tragic. Barney. Take a look at the two of us.
Take a look. See? We don't match. You dress like this,
you attract attention to me. That's dangerous. Wait till
you see this. Wow. The worse it's a pair of
socks. Just try something different, Vinny. Just try something different. Vinny.
Vinny. I'm not interested in this. Of course you're not. We know
this. If you were interested, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Thank you, Tommy. No wonder your wife left you. My wife
didn't leave me because of my socks. You see, the wardrobe is a symbol
of how you are. You follow me now? What do you think?
Barney, Barney, listen to me. It's very
hard for a human being to change. I know this.
I am an expert on this. So sometimes in
order for a human being to change. You have to have to change from the
outside in.
Wow. You look beautiful.
Come on. Tomorrow, as the provolone
trial continues. The us attorney's office is expected
to call Vincent Antonelli. One of the chief lieutenants to
Gatzo. Until September, when he entered the Federal witness protection
program. Vincent Antonelli. Look how young I look in that picture.
What do you want from room service? Nothing. Come on, Vinny. You gotta eat
something. What I want is linguine at Bruno's.
A little linguine, a little squongili. Don't worry. I'll get you
some italian food. You think I wanna spend the night here in a hotel?
Yeah. I'd like to order room service for two people, please. Room 606.
Do you have any italian food? And what does that
italian dressing come on? Salad. Okay, fine. I'll take one of those.
And what kind of pasta do you have? Macaroni and cheese. Okay, I'll take one
of those. And what is this chicken vent.
Can you make that without the silky cream sauce? Just.
I just want it in the flaky pastry. Okay, fine.
What are you doing? I'm wrinkling up your jacket like you're wrinkling up
your pants. What are you talking about? Why? You bought a $1,200
suit. You come home, you hang up the jacket. But you're laying around in
your pants. You're wrinkling the pants. Give me your pants. I'll hang them up for
you. What happens? Give me your pants. What happens is the pants are gonna have
to go to the door. Dry cleaners more often than the jacket. And pretty soon
you end up with a suit that doesn't quite match. I should take this down
to that pressing machine. I'll tell you what. Since we're gonna stay in, order me
the macaroni and cheese. And get me one of those little bottles of wine.
Cause I really don't want to drink too much. Will I need change for that
pressing machine? No, no. They're gonna have change down there. I'll be back in about
five minutes. Okay? Yeah.
Vinny. Vinny, Vinny.
So we open up the truck, and what is there but 6000
watches? Great. 6000 watches. How you
doing? But what I don't realize is that each one of these watches is
worth ten grand. May I
help you, sir?
Okay, $60 million now.
So, Eddie, make me a drink you made the night Mary was shot. I think
it was a bloody Maryland.
Come here. It's Louie. Louis Vincenzi
from San Francisco. What are you doing here?
Really? This man is so fast. He doesn't wear pants.
It slows them down. How was she? Gimme the suit right now.
Can't believe you did this to me. $1,200 suit. Do you want to have a
good time, or do you want to sit in the motel and look at green
card putting 18% on my credit card. I can't believe you did it.
And unlike you, I intend champagne for everybody.
What a fantastic guy. Don't get
him mad. I can't believe you did this to me, Lenny.
All right, let's relax right now. This is my parents. I'm going to put your
chance right back to the motel. Hello. I want to show you
something. You see those guys? Yes, I do.
If they find out you're FBI, we have a problem.
So what'll it be? The motel and tv
or drinking in girls?
You know what I noticed about you? What? You never look them
in the eye. Who? Girls. You're a
good looking guy. Face it. You're a better looking guy than I am.
But I am always going to look them in the eye. And therefore, I am
always going to get laid more than you, which is fundamentally unjust. Am I
right? You're into justice. This argument should appeal to you.
Come here. Wow. Come here. Leave your salary.
Hey, you girls. How you doing, huh? My name's Vinny.
What's your name? Angie. Angie, how are you? What's your name? Marie.
Marie. Marie. Marie, I'd like you to meet my brother
in law, Barney. He invented that little valve doohickey on the artificial heart.
Don't ask me to explain it. Barney, what a great name. Do they always
say that? Even if your name is Morty. Now look her right
in the eye. Hi, Marie. Hi, Barney. Hey, what do
you say we all dance, huh? Oh, Vinny, no, I'm sure you can't.
I really would rather not. I want to dance. I was wondering if you wouldn't
mind doing a little meringue, Ferengi. All right.
Don't take it easy on her. Let's go. This clip really demonstrates just
how much you see the charm of Steve Martin's character, of Vinny,
and how he actually just wins Barney over and calms him down. And then also
points out, no, we're actually in danger. If these guys find out you're FBI,
they're gonna kill us, bullet. Just to kill us. Yeah, we will die. So you
need to stick with me. Yeah, just do what I do and just,
you know, here's your trance. You get drinking, girls, or we go back and watch
tv in the hotel. Which would you rather do? Right. And he wins them over.
Yeah. And at the end of the day,
a new suit. Yeah. And at the end of the clip, they start dancing.
The merengue, which starts what I will admittedly tell you
is an overly long dance sequence where Barney is shown the joy of
dancing enthusiastically with women of questionable morals.
Yes, of course, I know that this is overindulgent bullshit. And stops
the film pretty much dead in its tracks. I accept that.
I cannot argue that it doesn't. But I fucking love it. And it's absolutely
one of my favorite parts of the film.
This dance sequence is abruptly stopped when two hitmen entertained with
guns and try to take out Vinny. Barney saves his life. And they cut from
this to our 10th clip. Hey, Barney. Yeah, Vinny? Where'd you learn to
shoot like that? In the bureau. Really? Yep. You saved my
life. You saved my life. We're in each other's death forever.
That's so great. Good night, Vinny.
Goodnight, Barney. And what happened then, Mister Antonelli,
Mister Cappelli left the room. Did Mister Gotso
say anything at this point? Mister Gatzo
said, kill the fart. I apologize, your honor,
but that's what he said. To whom was he speaking?
Sonny, Frankie, Richie, Al, the guys who were there.
And then they had a little eggplant Benny's mother made. And she puts
capers in, which I personally think is a mistake.
And then they killed Nikki Capelli, one behind the ear with a.
22. Richie loved to use 22 22s because the
bullets are small and it'll come out the other end like a. 45. See,
a 45 will blow a barn door out the back of your head. And there's
a lot of dry cleaning involved. But a. 22 will just rattle
around like Pac man, you know, until you die. Thank you, Mister Antonelli.
You're welcome. Your witness. Matt. Millie,
where exactly do you live? Nowhere. Objection, your honor.
Mister Levine knows perfectly well that the witness is not able to answer
that question. I withdraw the question. You're currently in
the federal witness protection program. Is that correct? Yes. You're living
somewhere in America. Under the protection of the federal government, you agreed
to testify against Mister Gatzo. And in exchange for this testimony,
you've been given immunity, a nice house and a weekly paycheck. Is that
correct? That's not all I get. Well, perhaps you'd
like to enlighten the jury as to what else the government is giving you in
the for this testimony? Sure. I get to never
see my parents again. Or my loved ones. I get to live in a
place. It's okay. Don't get me wrong. The air is clean, people are
nice. But for a guy like me, who was raised on the sidewalks of a
city that never sleeps, it's a living hell. There were times when
I thought of giving it all up. Particularly when my wife left me.
They gave us a nice house with flowers in front. It made us sick.
But I made a deal with it. The government. So I'm here to tell the
truth. And if you think I'm saying what I'm saying about Mister Gatso
killing Nikki Capelli only because of the deal, you got a
point. But it's still the truth.
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
I don't know. You can unscrew a light bulb.
Michelle, a drink here for my friend. Oh, I couldn't possibly.
Oh, come on. Have a brandy. Monks make it. Vinny, we are gonna
have to work so hard next time we come to New York so it won't
be a letdown after this trip. God, what a fabulous
time. Although I gotta admit, it'll be good to get back home.
You know, Barney, I've been thinking. It doesn't make any sense for you
to have a problem with that DA. Oh, come on, get off my back about
the DA. I'm not talking about romance. I'm just talking in general.
I mean, why make war with a dA? You gotta be out of your mind,
especially in your line of work. So when you get back,
you ought to try and make peace with her. You know, a little gesture to
show you're a friendly guy. Why make war?
I mean, that's my philosophy anyway. That's my philosophy.
They cut from this to showing how everyone in the neighborhood knows and loves
Todd, who apparently wears a suit to mow his
lawn. Barney is now a fashion icon in his fascist office at
the FBI. Hannah has tickets to a baseball game delivered
to her desk and is nothing sus about it at all. Though she asks where
it may have come from. And then Todd arrives to pick them all up to
go to the game in our 11th clip. Hi, kids. My name
is Todd. I'm a friend of your mom's from the office. Hi, I'm Jamie.
Hey, how do you do? I'm Johnny. Hey, how are you doing? What are you
doing here? We have to leave right away. Otherwise we're gonna miss batting
practice. Oh, yeah. Let's go. You wouldn't believe. I should
go. Guys, stop. We can't go. What? Of course you
can. Now, parking is always a problem at the stadium, so I've taken the liberty,
and I hope you don't mind, of hiring a limousine. Oh,
limousine. Tv.
Oh. Just don't have an awesome. This is rap. Mom.
Yes. We can't possibly.
Mom. Why not? Mom. Yeah.
Please, come on. Oh, thank you. Yes.
Put that away right now. Hey. There you go.
Are these two sheets or what? Here's a program for you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Remember, take your wallet out of the ball game.
Didn't your mother ever teach you this? No. Put this away.
All right, now, how many hot dogs do we want? Two each.
Real men always have two. Okay. And two
for your mother right over here, please. I don't want a hot dog.
She's probably on a diet, right? Yeah, my wife was always on
a diet. My mother used to say, be careful of women on diets
because they're always in a bad mood. And she was
right, too, because my wife walked down on me at the low point of my
life. I thought your wife died. I only wish.
Two, four, six hot dogs, please. And keep the change
on that. Remember this section? Pass them down.
Pass one to your mom. Barney Coopersmith. What a
coincidence. What do you mean? You invited me. It's an expression.
Okay, you go sit next to her. Everything doesn't
have to be a war with jed guru hoover types.
Maybe.
See, now, the reason you never take your wallet out at a ball game
or any place else, when you get right down to it, is that someone's
gonna steal it from you. See,
when you wave your wallet around, then they watch where you put it in
your bag. And then when you get up to go to the bathroom or something,
they follow you in and they use a bumper. They always use
a bumper. I'll show you what. Bump into your brother. This is how it works.
You see that? You feel anything? Look at this. So,
always protect your wallethood.
I didn't mean to pair these up with, you know, some baseball themes in both
of the movies. But I'll take it that our two weeks went like this.
Yeah, yeah, right. Everything's about baseball right
now. And I'm like, this is nice. We have then a
sequence of everyone having fun at the ballgame. And I kind of left a little
bit of that there at the end of the clip. And then everybody's having a
fun time at the ballgame together, and he's kind of getting misses Stubbs or Hannah
with Barney Coopersmith. They're kind of getting each other interested in their kind of bonding
over, like, you know, dealing with this pain in the ass that is Vinny.
Nice to see him playing, like, a little bit of a cupid here, where he's
like, no, I think you guys have something that you should be together. You know,
he just keeps going after that like a dog of the bone. And what he's
actually trying to do is distract both of them with their love
for each other so he can continue to commit crimes. Like, let's not mince words
about this. Yes, he's playing Cupid, but he's doing this to
continue to commit crimes and trying to distract them. That's why he's doing it.
Of course. Yeah. I mean, everything has an alternative motive. Yeah.
And I do love that the whole crowd sings take me out to the ballgame
and everything during a 7th inning stretch. When is the last time you've seen something
like that? Is that still even a thing? Oh, yeah, it's totally a thing.
Awesome. Way more famous for Cubs games, but,
yeah, the 7th inning stretch, and a lot of people still sing take me out
to the ball game. All right, well, they leave the game, and there is some
dialogue. So that is our 12th play. Baseball? Yeah, we play
in the field behind the mall. I know that field. It's in bad condition,
though. Every time it rains, it gets all yucky and we can't play for weeks.
A dome is what you need. The first little league in America with a
dome. Really? It's a worthwhile cause. You ought to raise money for it.
Yeah, sure. It's a cocktail party for the law enforcement personnel
in the San Diego area. If you'd like to come with me.
Yes, I would. I'll call you.
You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section.
Why is that? Because you could
melt all this stuff.
By the way, my name's Shaldeen.
Hiya, Shaldean. What's yours? My name's Todd.
Todd. That's a beautiful name.
It's italian for extra special.
Hello. Hey, Barney. How you doing? What's going on, Vinny?
I'm in Reno. I just. Just got married. You got what?
Married. Say hello to Shaldean. Shaldean,
say hello to Barney. Hello, Barney. Hi, Shaldene. Can you
put Vinny back on, please? Sure. Bye.
You love her or what? Vinny, I don't understand. You're already married?
Don't worry. I didn't marry under my real name. So Vinnie gets on,
and I said, vinnie, you're already married. And he said, don't worry.
I didn't marry her under my real name.
Don't tell me you're gonna book him for bigamy. No.
Hannah doesn't find him as funny as I do. I see that it's funny.
I have a sense of humor. Of course you have a sense of humor.
Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor. Even people who don't.
You look nice. Thanks. Do you want to
dance? Oh, I'm a terrible dancer. So am I.
But I can do the meringue. They're not playing merengue.
They will. Thank you.
One, two. All right,
so during the clip, we got a title card that says everyone falls
in love. And the ever amazing Carol Cain shows up as
a dirty lady that Vinny hits on successfully. With a line
that I have never been able to use successfully myself. Only jokingly have
I been able to. Because you could melt all this stuff. Yeah. Yeah,
right. I've actually said that to my wife before. When she opened up
the freezer door to the fridge, like, I've slammed it shut. And I was like,
it's too dangerous for you to be this close to the freezer. And she's like,
what? I'm like. Cause you could melt all that stuff.
Smooth. His line works so well, in fact, that he gets married to
that lady right away. And the clip ends with yet another insanely
long merengue dance routine that eats up screen time for no
reason other than to show Hannah and Barney falling for each other and to feature
Barney's partner cutting a rug like the slice of fucking wonder bread that he
actually is. Fucking A. This ends with them bonding over dinner
and walking around, getting to know each other. And our 13th.
She's a therapist. He owns a lumberyard.
She left me for one of her patients. He left
me for someone I was in a carpool with.
Jamie, the nine year old is a serious one.
So you know how it is with brothers. If one of them's serious, the other
one's funny. I know. That's how it was with me and my brother.
You're the serious one. I'm the funny one.
Really? She moved to Wichita, and I haven't seen her since.
I see him constantly. He walks into the house without even knocking.
Would you like to come in for some coffee or something?
Well, if it won't wake up the kids.
Kids are at my mother's.
Kids hurt your mother's? That ends with her inviting him
into both her house and her panties. Rick makes a move
for a kiss, and it lands in a charmingly awkward way. And that
takes us well over the full hour and ten minute mark as they fall
in love. And the rest is the run to the end. Yeah. Let's go.
All right. The run to the end starts with the morning after the
sexy time and our 14th clip. Morning,
guys. Yeah. Hey. Oh. You want to
come in this house, you ring the damn bell. I'm sorry.
Do you mind getting the door, please? Thanks.
Ah. That was very satisfying. Fucking. I love that.
That. Is that new? There's something Rick Morettis hasn't really done.
The tough guy. Like he could beat the shit out of you. Roll.
I love that Barney Mann handles the wet bandit like that as well. It had
to be in the clip. It had to be. Of course, the next title
card is about how into each life a little rain must fall, even in
San Diego. And that leads to our 15th clip. You've chosen
the right agent, sir. Barney. I've got Barney.
Assignment of your dreams. You're going on the COVID
buddy. Congratulations. We're launching a major sting operation
tomorrow. Step into my car. 1300 hours.
Synchronize your watches, man. We get to be canadian, sir? I still
have the witness to look after until he appears in court. He has one more
court appearance, and I promised him. When is that? In three weeks. This is a
very important assignment. You're going to be out for as long as it takes.
Four weeks. Eight weeks. However long. I'll make sure someone is
assigned to your witness. I assume that he'll stay out of trouble.
In the meantime. Coper, Smith. He just fell in love, sir.
You know how it is when you fall in love, sir.
Undercover.
Undercover. You can't even call.
Well, they stash away. You can't use the phone for anything that's not related to
the job. Someone could be tapping the phone. You could jeopardize the
entire investigation. But you just got here.
Okay, fellas, this is it. Let's go.
All right, get this. You're Harry Redley. And you're Dicky Thomas.
You're from Vancouver, and you're in town to buy stolen goods from a major hijacking.
Ring. They'll be in touch with you as soon as they're ready to fence their
goods. When will that be? Not today. It will be whenever
it will be. So me and Barney just sit here waiting?
That's right. And it's going to be a lot easier if the two of you
start referring to each other as Harry and Dickie. So Dickie
and me just sit here waiting. I hate that name. I really hate that
name. Nice day at the office, honey.
See you later, darling.
Bye, honey. Jesus. Look at
that. Look at this.
Jesus. Back there.
Hold it. What the hell is
this? Where are the stereos? How are we gonna fence this
shit? All right, guys, what do you got? We got two big
spenders in town. We got nothing to sell them. What the
hell are we supposed to do with these?
How many of these we got? So you guys see a
problem? I see potential. The sting that the FBI set up is
to capture the witnesses they have already hidden here in this area
so poorly, they all reconnected and went back, back into crime.
They're doing crime so poorly that they attracted the attention of
the FBI once again. So I just want to show you the cycle that's
going on here. The FBI put these people here and did
such a bad job, they all found each other. Then these guys all reconnect
and do crime so badly, the FBI realizes they're doing crime
there and now are setting up a sting to try and catch guys that they've
already caught that are turning on other. Everyone's fucking up. This is. This is
just like inception of folly where it just continues. Might as well play yakity sacks
throughout this whole movie. Yes. So Vinnie sees the truckload of empty water
jugs for the water coolers as potential. More so than a problem,
as he says there at the very end of the clip. And then the title
card pops up where he says he becomes a fundraiser. We see a sequence of
him dropping off empties and collecting tons of
full jugs that are filled with change in various pieces of cash as Barney and
his partner go insane waiting on catching the criminals who have
nothing to sell them, who just happened to be the criminals that they put there.
Oh, sorry. I'm going to get back into that inception thing. I need to stop.
Then Todd is seen collecting his money jugs by Hannah's kids, and they
give their money into those jugs as well and ignore the ice
cream. That's a bad move, kids. Yeah, bad move, kids. They talk about
it to their mother in our 16th clip. Oh, maybe they'll put in nightlights.
No. I bet he's gonna put in a dome. An astroturf.
Mom, you should have seen the money in the bottle. It was like trillions of
dollars. And it was our idea. Well, not exactly our idea, but we
told him all off of the field, buzz and everything. He might even put in
bleachers. Oh, yeah, and Astro to forget.
All right. For the first time in my life, I try
to do something for someone. Give back a little,
repay my debt to society, and you arrest me for it.
He might be telling the truth, Hannah. It was all for the community. I swear
on my mother's life. Let me do this.
I live here. This is my home. For better
or for worse, I love it here. And you were going to
give the money to the community, weren't you? Yes.
Yes. See? He was going to give the money to the community. When?
What? When were you going to give the money to the community? When I had
all of it, obviously.
Look. Misses Stubbs. Over here.
Against the wall, sir. I'm a new man.
This is not the old me. This is the new me.
He seems like a completely different person. He seems totally
different. Anyway, I'm not your problem.
You have major crime going on right here under your nose.
You're wasting your time with me. I'm nothing. I'm small potatoes.
What I can tell you about what's going on around here if I wanted to.
It's big. Come on, buddy.
What if he's telling the truth? At least listen to him.
Okay. What? Two of the biggest fences
in North America. Are sitting right here in Freiburg. Ready to make a
deal on everything in town that isn't nailed down. They're looking
to buy a ton of swag and ship it out of here in boxcars.
Hannah, are you trying to make
a deal with me? I don't know.
Am I? There's no deal if they're not here.
They're here. They'll be here.
Yep. Harry Redleaf and Dickie Thorson. From Vancouver.
Did I tell you they were from Vancouver? Did I tell you they were from
Vancouver? Let's go. First left out the door. Here you go.
Thank you very much. They never leave the room.
They just sit there like they waitin on something.
Did I tell you, or did I tell you they bothered? What about male customers
buying things for their wives? They all watch Oprah Winfrey.
Please flee. Please.
Freeze. You under arrest.
Huh?
Bastard. I swear, I have no idea. For once in
my life, I'm telling. The deal is off. I'm arresting you for a scam?
Money making scheme to build a little league park. And furthermore,
I'm indicting you under your. Your real name. Cuff him. He has
to testify again in New York in three days time. But he's not gonna make
it now. Because by tomorrow, this story's in the newspaper. And within 24 hours,
every hit man in America will be here. I seriously doubt that.
Would you like to bet on it? I never bet when I'm sure I'm right.
Well, presumably you haven't done a lot of betting. Since you've only been wrong once
in your life. Twice.
Hannah, there you are. Barney,
thank God. You gotta get me out of here. This mess. That's the way it's
been your whole life, right, Vinny? You spill your milk, and somebody else gets to
clean it up. Well, I'm not cleaning up your mess this time, Vinny. Hey,
Barney, lighten up. Lighten up? Is that your solution? That is
somebody else's problem. You steal a little swordfish, and Hannah should lighten
up? You pretend to raise money for the little league, and the whole community should
lighten up? Hannah turns against me, and I should lighten
up? Barney,
I've upset you. I'm sorry. What kind of a jail is this? Oh,
I don't like to use this bathroom, so they let me use the one in
the office. Isn't there a guard? Everything all right, Vinny?
Oh, Jimmy. Yeah, no problem. Thanks. Come on. Here.
Come on. Sit down.
You have a pillow with your name embroidered on it. Yeah.
Crystal made that for me. It's nice, isn't it?
Hey, at least you never got involved with her.
I can't believe I even suggested it. Don't you understand, Vinny?
I'm in love with her, and now she hates me, and it's all your fault.
I'm so pissed at you. I'm really pissed. Okay. Okay.
Why is it my fault? Because you are a blight on this community, and I
put you here. So she blames me. Barney,
I am sorry. Yeah, right. I am.
No, really, I am. I owe you. I mean, you saved my
life that night in New York. I could never shoot at anyone. I never
touched a gun in my life. It doomed me forever to middle management.
That's the truth. I should do something. What could I
do, Vinny? Don't do anything. Please stop doing things.
I have to make a phone call, Vinny. Now what? I am entitled to make
a phone call. Am I not a jailer?
Should I use the office line or the one in the coffee room?
Oh, Jesus Christ. During the clip, Todd is seen overloading his trunk with
the jugs and then is hauled in for questioning, as we heard. I love how
Vinny Todd is just so charming. He gets special privileges in
jail, all the local pigs, and lives a more comfortable life in a county
jail than I ever have myself in my life of alleged freedom.
Exactly. Anyway, I stopped the clip where I did only because I
had to use the bathroom. So we pick up when they cut from the jail
to the courtroom, and that is our penned ultimate clip. Our position,
your honor, is that we be permitted to hold Mister Antonelli without bail.
Every day he is on the streets, he commits a crime and
why. That may be all right in places like New York, where people are
used to it. Here in Freiburg, every citizen is
a victim. Here. Here? That's right.
Mister Cooper Smith. Your honor, speaking for the Federal Bureau of Investigation,
our position is that Mister Antonelli must not spend another night in jail.
His life is in danger. He must be protected so that he can testify in
New York shortly. And therefore, sir, we ask that you grant bail and release him
in our custody. Your honor, this is a exactly what the FBI
does. It pretends this man is in danger when no one cares
about him one bit. There's all this melodrama, as if a bunch of
cartoon hitmen in white on white ties are gonna walk
in the door and try to kill him. Obviously, this is a preposterous
scenario, the sort of paranoid fantasy that
what?
Hannah, get down. Get down. I just love that
the reality of this world is so broken that the hitmen
she described show up at the end of the clip to try to kill Vinny.
And they look exactly as she describes them, and they do exactly
what she says is not going to happen. Right. As she says it's not going
to happen. That was really well timed, of course. A shootout ensues
at the end of the clip. The redhead pig knocks Vinny out of the way
and helps him escape custody altogether. They kiss before he takes off,
after she gives him everything to escape anyway, even though he
didn't really need to. He just goes after it. He takes the shot because he's
Vinny. She offers herself as a hostage to stay with him because the
hairs on the back of her neck are not the only thing standing up,
if you know what I mean. And I think you do. What is all
I'm saying is that police uniform got a little moist with the kiss. We're sure.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Trust me. It wasn't. Yeah, you were
right. It wasn't. Just those hairs that were standing to attention. Yeah.
Yes. All of the various veins and
little artery. Not arteries, but maybe other hairs.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And all the capillaries on her body were tightening
with blood flow and constriction to try and get that arousal to happen
everywhere that was happening. Graphic they cut
from them, darting off into her car to a title card that
says, I amaze everybody. And that leads to our final. I can't believe
it. You're actually building this.
Hey, Dino, Nikki, Benny. Looking good,
looking good.
Okay, hold on a second.
Why didn't you say anything about this ballpark when I arrested you?
What, and ruin the surprise? You didn't say anything about this ballpark
because there was nothing to say. You arranged all this
from jail to avoid prosecution for embezzlement.
Now, that hurts, because this was my intention from the very
beginning. The children needed a ballpark, and I responded.
See, I know how it feels to
be disappointed. When I was seven
years old. No. Hey. All I wanted for Christmas
was a new red bicycle. My favorite uncle,
Uncle Al fresco, swore to me
that he would buy me that bicycle.
I counted the days until Christmas.
05:00, Christmas morning a rundown.
Nobody moved. This is just between Vinny and us.
Guys, I'm in the middle of an anecdote. Vinny,
come over here and no one get hurt. Okay? Okay. Come on, kids, move back
out of the way. And everybody, just get out of the way. Take the kitchen.
Nice action. Thanks. I thought you didn't know why. Now, where was I?
Oh, yes. 05:00 Christmas morning. I run downstairs
and look under the tree, and what do I find?
Uncle Al fresco, dead on the floor, shot through
the back of the head. Plus, no bicycle.
It was a disappointing Christmas on Mayenne.
So you can accuse me of many things, but never for
one moment did I intend to rip off these
beautiful children. Isn't that right,
Barney? Yeah, Vinnie told me about this little league thing months ago.
And the only reason I didn't say anything about it was because it was
supposed to be a surprise for the kids. Do you expect me to believe this?
Yes, I do. Nice. Very nice.
Hey, hey. Now, when you guys to land this sod,
remember, green side up. Green side up.
Okay. Hey, Chris, let's show you this. Now,
what's gonna happen here? It cuts from this to opening
day. One year later, and we see the ball field is a front for the
obviously still ongoing criminal activity of all the witness
protection folk. And it looks like even imported some of his family to help
because the mother bribes the fucking umpire to
let the Fryburg Turtles win. But they're good now. You know, they're supporting
people. See, now it's good crime.
We even see now that the hitmen actually have been moved
here to Fryberg for the witness relocation as well. Because apparently
our government is that fucking inept at what they do. They probably
turned on all the guys who hired them to be hitmen. So the
DA is on board now as Hannah announces, Vinnie is
throwing out the first ball. And we see the kids uniforms have fancy
suit, sort of suit coat things on top of them or whatever.
Of course, gotta be fancy. Vinnie tells them that they look great,
but these things really impractical for range of motion in playing baseball.
I'm just saying. Oh, definitely. This team
is without umpire. That's the reason why they're there bribing
the umps. Without that, this team has zero wins. The entire stadium
gets in on the merengue with Vinnie. And it looks like Crystal and Vinnie are
not only happily together, but they also have a child together. And they seem very
happy. Vinny looks down at the child and says, I even.
Sometimes I even amaze myself whenever he gives a it a little kiss on the
head. We then see the kids play the ball and we roll those motherfucking
credits. Cinema psyops. Ten years.
Ten years. I know this is ridiculous. I know everything about this movie is
stupid and implausible and unrealistic. And it's satire if
you want to try and defend all of that. But I love everything about this.
The hyper realism is what works for me and makes me enjoy it so
much. Dude, who gives a shit if it's so far out
there never happened in real life. That's what we have in a movie.
Jesus Christ. So many people who watch movies now
and they're all like, oh, it's not realistic. That would never happen. That would ever.
Yeah, no shit, motherfucker. That's why I'm watching a movie and not looking
out my window at real life. I don't need fucking real life all the time.
I have enough real fucking life. Sometimes I want this fucking
unbelievable. Almost to the point of just being
ridiculous shit that has a happy ending. Let me have an
hour and a half of serotonin to bury into my fucking skull
before I go back out into the shit real world. You know what I mean?
Yeah, that's exactly why we're covering this series. Because these were films that were comfort
food for our souls in another terrifying time that we
lived in. Yeah, and why not revisit? Movie was now great.
Yeah, it's so enjoyable. Great movie. Much fun. I'm glad that you
love this film as much as I do. Fuck yes.
I love the ridiculousness of this movie. It's just
fucking awesome. And then the happy ending for everyone except
for asshole ex husband who deserves to get his ass whooped a second time.
Yeah. And he went on to be the wet bandit with Marv. Yeah, yeah.
But God damn, did he ever play that asshole. Well, I mean, you know what?
Let's give it up to the actor now. Actors who can play dipshits like that
make you hate them so much. It's just fucking great. There is
one role where Daniel Stern plays a genuinely good
dude that I really, really love, and it's another one of those movies. It's more
of a nostalgic thing. And that's little monsters, where he plays the dad. He's Fred
Savage's dad, and he's terrific at that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a mom and
dad that are kind of going through a divorce. Things are really falling apart.
Everything is super stressful. And he just wants to keep it together
enough to try and help his kid, who's clearly going through something else,
that he has no idea what's going on. And he plays it really,
really well. And of course, he's terrific and chud as well. But that
role is my absolute favorite of his to play. Agreed.
Yeah. And everybody in this cast is fucking amazing. They're all bringing
their a game to it. And I think Joan Cusack is a delight in
everything. I see her, and she's always a highlight. She makes me laugh. Cusack is
a fucking national treasure. And having her
and Rick Moranis, because of the height difference, end up falling in love
and then seeing Rick Moranis become, like, mister Macho
man and throwing Daniel Stern out, everything's a pure good about
all of this. It's all really fun. Yes, it's saccharine. Yes.
It's fucking joyous for no reason other than just to be.
But I needed that right now when we covered this film. Yes. And I'm
telling you. Yes, I get Rick Moranis is canadian, but he's also a national
treasurer in two fucking countries. That fucking means something.
Yeah. They loved him so much, took him back with open arms and won't let
us have him again. No, I mean, you know,
God bless Rubik from Uranus, lost his wife to cancer and stepped away from
Hollywood so he can concentrate on being a dad. Fuck. This guy is just
wholesome as all get out. I'm telling you that right now.
Yeah. And I've heard very good things about Steve Martin as well, and all the
things that he's done to help people out over the years. So I've never heard
a bad word about Steve Martin ever. And he's one of those
guys who has done so many different roles, not just comedic, but he's
gotten into some drama, and now he's doing. Doing that whole thing.
Banjo. No, but not Banjo, but the new tv
show with only Martin shorten.
Anything he does with Martin shorts. Fucking hilarious as well. It's good
to see those two have kind of a career resurgence coming up.
Yes. I also just want to point out, as far as movies that we
cover that were, you know, these nostalgic things that we absolutely love that we probably
wouldn't have. We definitely wouldn't have done any other reason?
There's only one reason why I didn't pick three amigos and one reason alone,
and that's because we've already given Chevy Chase enough. And,
yeah, that movie is worth watching for the Rick Moranis Steve Martin interactions
alone. And if you can ignore the fact that Chevy Chase is a horrible human
being, you can enjoy him in that as well. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.
And, yeah, just Martin short and fucking Steve Martin. You can just
concentrate on that while Chevy Chase is. You know,
here's the problem. Chevy Chase is a terrible fucking person, but, fuck, is he talented?
Like, he's funny? It's really just pisses everyone off.
All right, well, let's, on that note, take a break here. We'll try and figure
out something to bring everybody back up to where we had them while reviewing
my blue heaven, while we listened to the Beach Boys surfing USA,
which was featured in this film, on their way to the ballgame.
And during the ballgame, and that's gonna be on our pirate radio edit right now.
Hey, were you promised a robot movie?
Yeah. Hey, were you told you would see a
movie with robot wars? Yeah. And then were you
given some assholes with Prince valiant haircuts?
Yeah. Well, my friend, you may be due for compensation
for sitting through such a trusty. Yes, call 100%
not a robot movie. It's once again,
1800, not a robot movie. Please do not call 1800 not a
robot movie. This is not a real phone, and. It was not really a robot
movie.
It's kind of hard to hate Beach Boys music. Even though some of
the Beach Boys may have turned into right wing douchebags, we can still kind of
like Brian Wilson. You know, because he's not that guy and he's opposed
to that, but the modern incarnation of the Beach Boys is a
little scary, and one of them, you know, is a little too right wing for
my taste. I really hate to have to admit that,
but. Yeah, but I can still enjoy the music. I just
don't have to enjoy the person. Yes, we can try and separate that
as best we can, and maybe I'll have a way to explain that in our
next storytime.
Story time.
Story time. All right. We mentioned it before, and I kind
of joked about it a little bit, but I think I am going to actually
kind of talk about the first time that I found out what a horrible
human being Chevy Chase actually was. Let's do it. All right,
so around the late nineties,
a little thing came about that Al Gore brought to us called the Internet
the Interwebs. Yeah. You're familiar with it, right? Yeah, I mean, I.
What the fuck's the Internet? But yes. No,
well, you know, then there were. Considering a majority of my career is based on
the fucking Internet. Yeah, I'm well aware of it. Yeah. You may not be a
fan, but you know it exists. Yeah, yeah. All right,
so I'm not a fan of it, actually. I fucking hate that shit. But,
yes, I'm well aware of it. You know how sites would pop up where movie
fans would get together? There'd be forums and chats and various things like that.
And then you start hearing the various rumors about various actors or
they talk about behind the scenes stuff. And then you have dvd commentaries
that start giving you more information and more interviews start coming out. And people
are, like, finding articles written about people and putting them out
on the Internet for you to be able to read and archived in various forms
and stuff like that. And you start to look at actors
and actresses and people that like musicians and stuff.
You want to know a little more about their personal life because you're interested in
them, you're fans of them, and you want to do some research. And generally,
whenever you do that, you end up finding things about these people that you
love even more. Reading about the things that Robin Williams did to help
out other people in his life just because is just fucking amazing and
uplifting. And you find out that the more you find out about Robin Williams,
the more you end up liking him because he just ends up being, you know.
All the bad things makes everything even more fucking tragic
than it needs to be. All the bad things about him were literally him telling
you right up front, like, and admitting it all, all the time, because he was
his own worst critic. And, like, all the stuff that you find out about him
behind the scenes. Is he was a cocaine addict. You know, he was. He was
an addict. You know, that's all that kind of shit. But he was out and
about about it and talked about it and admitted it and tried to help other
people by being out and, you know, saying, hey, this is my. These were my
issues, and I was able to overcome it. You can, too. You know, you learn
about Steve Martin and you learn about the things that he's done and, you know,
over time, and you really start to like him more. And Rick Moranis, you find
out a bunch of stuff about why he disappeared off the face of the earth,
and you end up loving him even more. Then you get to Chevy Chase
being a lifelong fan of him in about the late nineties,
early 20 aughts, when all of this stuff is really starting to come out and
people are starting to talk about it, and there's documentaries about, you know, the original
cast of Saturday Night Live, and you get to hear all the unfiltered stories,
and people start talking about it for real. And the more you hear about the
things that he used to do, the more you start to hate things that you
grew up absolutely loving, like caddyshack and Fletch and
all of those sort of things. And it ruins and taints it because you can't
enjoy this man's fucking face anymore. That's it. Well, you see the sarcastic,
smart ass kind of characters he plays, you know, with the kind of smart
ass comments he gives, and it goes from cheeky and cute smart
ass to when you realize who he is, you're like, oh, no, he's just kind
of. He's kind of being a dick, you know, and not even like a cool
dick. Like, just a dick dick. You know, there's a difference.
You could be a cool dick where you kind of, like, you know, you're that.
You're that kind of dick who would befriend somebody, you know, but kind of
burns them, but also you're their friend. Or he just seems like the guy who
has no friends. Yeah, he purposely tried to alienate
and hurt a everyone around him. He made everyone worse that was
around him. And the more you find out about him, like, for instance,
what happened to Doug Kenny and what was his fault in getting Doug Kenny to
be worse and worse? And we lost one of probably the greatest comedic minds of
that generation in Doug Kenny because of what happened with Chevy Chase's influence,
you start to really hate the man more and more. One or two things ends
up happening here. And this culture that we have now where everybody gets canceled
for saying horrible things or tweeting horrible things or making a simple
mistake, and then that's just enough. I don't necessarily 100% disagree with that.
I think that sometimes it may get a little out of hand and, you know,
maybe if people will make a mistake and in earnest try to make amends,
and that's a start, maybe we can start looking at un canceling them and allowing
them to have a career again. Sure. But someone like Tevy
Chase still gets a fucking pass in this culture, and he absolutely should not because,
I mean, as far as I'm concerned, Doug Kenny's death is on his fucking hands.
Same thing with, I don't know if. He has a pass anymore. After what happened
in community, he's, Chevy Chase is kind of fucking done,
I would hope needs to be after what happened on community, community in the set
and how everybody to a person was like, he was the fucking worst
person to fucking work with. I think Chevy Chase burnt.
Here's what happened. Chevy Chase, they finally got him out when he hosted Saturday
Night Live once. Inspect Sherry in
the face, stereotary in the face, and Will Ferrell was
like, what the fuck did you just do in front of me?
They kind of got him and he was out. And then unfortunately, what happens
was he got everyone to feel bad for him because they did a comedy
central roast of him. None of his friends showed up because
he doesn't have any. But all the people he thought it was his friends didn't
show up, and they really tore him a new asshole. All the comedians
were there, and then he did a Rolling Stone article and everyone
started to feel bad for him. And then he got a second
wind. But he, of course, learned nothing and is still
just an asshole. So he did it to himself again in community.
And, yeah, you don't hear from him anymore now he just, I think he
tries to do TikToks. People still roast the living fuck out of them.
Yeah, it's just sad. It's just absolutely sad because there was a
moment where he had a career, and unfortunately, there are
some narcissistic, fucking wounded assholes that just attack everybody the
minute that they feel even somewhat underappreciated and not
adored like they want. And you can see that in Jeffy Chase's performances
everywhere, and it tainted. Eventually, maybe we'll be able to get
over it and enjoy it once he's dead. Like, we give so many other fallen
celebrities a pass. Um, but unfortunately, I just can't. I can't
let it go. And this is what my story time is about, man. Like,
Chevy Chase. Like, he's fucking awful. And, uh, you know,
don't look up your fucking heroes if you don't want to have it ruined.
Like, this is, I guess, because the more you learn about the
private individuals that make the art that you love, the more you
realize that people are deeply flawed and awful. And sometimes creative people
do horrible things, but they still made some wonderful creations that you can't
enjoy anymore if you can't let yourself. Yeah. Do you know what Hulk Hogan has
done to me in my childhood? I mean, he was a hero, and now I
can't fucking even stand to look at anything he's ever done.
Yeah, I don't even. Giant piece of garbage impersonation of Hulkamania
running wild on you. That was innocent and sweet when we were kids. Nope.
Macho man now all day long. That's the only. That's the only
impression I want to hear. Now. You know what I have to say to that,
Matt? What's that? Oh, yeah. Let's go ahead and
get this show done. We're going to have some show housekeepers
for you folks, and then whenever that's. Done on the pirate radio,
edit man. We'Re gonna have some Tony Bennett from the film
man with stranger in paradise. Oh, yeah, that's what he listened to.
Whenever he was feeling. Yeah. Here we go.
Let go. If you've decided you can't get enough.
Hello, friends. This is counselor Dan Chenille. But you
can call me counselor Dan. Have you ever just sat down for cinematic
benches and Anhejdehe watching an hour and a half a misogyny
of violence against women, children and the elderly?
It's horrible, I know, but it's all right.
We can help. Isn't that right, Shaman Amir Nimrod?
Absolutely, counselor Dan. With our cutting edge technologies
and affordable extended pay packages, we can accelerate your
chakras and heal your channels of all cinematic
scars by taking the nightmare inducing audio visual
damage away from your core being. That's amazing,
shaman Nimrod. Can we give these folks an idea
of how it's done now?
Oh, well, that's okay, too. If we can align your inner
being with your spiritual warrior God, your soul eagle will
fly through the inner workings of your chakras that
you can empower yourself with your inner beauty that
transcends the mystical properties of your quantum energy,
aligning you with constant biofeedback and the healing
properties of mother Earth's spiritual love, the infinite is
ethereal, and your soul gem will guide you through the pathways
of enlightenment. Oh, wow. There's no way that
could work. Once again, my friend, this is the. Counselor dance
to nil, and I'm shaman Amir Nimra.
And we're here to let you know it's gonna be okay. We're gonna
make it all okay. Cause we love
you in Sandy show. We love you. We love.
Come to Sandy shore, and we'll heal all your cinematic
skull. It's gonna be okay. It'll be all.
I am deeply regretting doing my macho man. Although I did it rather well,
I think. I'm no Lee Russell. Lee Russell's got the best macho
man impersonation in podcasting, as far as. I'll tell you one thing. You don't know
his name. His name is Bruce Pritchard, and he is. He did brother love in
the old days. He was also a writer and stuff for WWE
or f at the time. He does the perfect macho man.
Perfect macho man. Okay, I'm not talking someone that's actually in wrestling. I mean,
of our friends and podcasters who do impersonation. Our friends and podcasts.
Well, then, yes. All right. Yeah, somebody like that. Yeah. Obviously they're going
to be the best at it. Fair. Absolutely fair. Well, what I'm actually
the best at is segwaying into closing out the show.
So everybody enjoy the merengue that you hear way
too much in my blue heaven as our final song.
While you kick the fuck out of this weekend. Make it your bitch.
Let's start recording. Recording in progress. All right. And.
And you can still hear this, I assume? Yeah. Yes, I can.
All right. Excellent. 474 Myblue
Heaven. My notes are up, and we are ready to go. I'm gonna skip the
music this week, so we'll just. Or not skip the music, but I'll skip
the opening music as normal. Let me just get my little note
symbol here that lets me know where I'm at in my notes. We know.
Copy pasta and market. Yep. There we go.
All right. Three, two, one. And now I can delete
that photo. It cuts from
this to a new title card, which I now have to open up
my phone to bring up.
Well, what I'm actually the best at is segwaying into
closing out the show. So everybody enjoy the merengue that
you hear way too much in my blue heaven as our final song.
While you kick the fuck out of this week and make it your bitch.
Alright, we're not gonna listen to that. We listen too much covering this film and
you got to get the fuck out. I got my uber coming in, but two
minutes, so I gotta let you go. Yeah, well, I'm gonna let you go by
doing this. Recording stopped and.