1 00:00:25,790 --> 00:00:28,240 Chris: Welcome to Conversations with My Night Brain, with Chris Enns. 2 00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:29,040 I'm Chris Enns. 3 00:00:29,215 --> 00:00:30,565 Funny enough how that works. 4 00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:37,705 This is another little test of the podcast format as I mash and mold and try and 5 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:38,995 figure out what this thing is gonna be. 6 00:00:39,295 --> 00:00:41,725 You can't see my hands, but I'm actually doing the like, play-doh 7 00:00:41,730 --> 00:00:43,735 e mashing and molding thing, even though there's nothing in them. 8 00:00:44,425 --> 00:00:44,995 For this episode 9 00:00:44,995 --> 00:00:49,975 I'm gonna try, uh, podcasting, mouth blogging as the Shop talk show guys 10 00:00:49,975 --> 00:00:53,695 call it, uh, mouth blogging a blog that I already wrote and published. 11 00:00:54,435 --> 00:00:57,615 As some of you have probably picked up from my writing, and even in this podcast 12 00:00:57,615 --> 00:01:01,005 if you're listening along somewhere, there's just some church drama and 13 00:01:01,005 --> 00:01:04,035 stuff in our life, and I won't go into deeper detail about that right now. 14 00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:10,335 But, uh, suffice to say, often, less so lately, but often, the night 15 00:01:10,340 --> 00:01:15,765 brain attacks are around and related to the church drama in our life. 16 00:01:16,664 --> 00:01:20,295 And so what follows is what I wrote at 4:00 AM. 17 00:01:20,685 --> 00:01:25,515 And then refined later that day when I was awake with coffee and posted on 18 00:01:25,515 --> 00:01:27,155 my little blog over at chrisenns.com. 19 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:31,425 But I had the thought of doing a audio version of it sometimes not for 20 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,775 every blog post, but just sometimes. 21 00:01:32,775 --> 00:01:37,515 And so then a natural way would be to embed a, player obviously is for the audio 22 00:01:37,845 --> 00:01:42,945 and I really like Transistors, uh, audio embed player for the podcast episodes. 23 00:01:43,455 --> 00:01:46,305 And so then I thought, why not throw it into something on Transistor, 24 00:01:46,305 --> 00:01:51,015 which would lead to this podcast, which maybe then would also be down 25 00:01:51,015 --> 00:01:54,385 the road, uh, sort of crossovers between like a blog post that I write. 26 00:01:54,855 --> 00:01:56,535 Then I would also do an audio version of it. 27 00:01:56,865 --> 00:01:59,025 Or maybe there'd be an audio thing that I would write a blog post of. 28 00:01:59,445 --> 00:02:01,125 So just as a way of having a thing to test. 29 00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:02,775 That's what this episode is. 30 00:02:03,495 --> 00:02:04,485 So thanks for listening along. 31 00:02:04,490 --> 00:02:04,875 Here we go. 32 00:02:05,415 --> 00:02:08,805 The post was entitled Night Brain Dreams, posted May 18th, 2023. 33 00:02:09,005 --> 00:02:12,465 According to my blog CMS thing, it says it's a three minute read. 34 00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:13,785 I guess this'll be a good test of that. 35 00:02:14,385 --> 00:02:17,055 I had a dream last night about being at a church meeting of some sort. 36 00:02:17,265 --> 00:02:20,865 Groups of people sitting at the same round tables that have been in use for decades. 37 00:02:21,165 --> 00:02:22,005 Built to last. 38 00:02:22,875 --> 00:02:24,585 It was the lounge, but it wasn't the lounge. 39 00:02:25,095 --> 00:02:27,405 There's some familiar faces, but in that dream way where you 40 00:02:27,405 --> 00:02:29,955 don't see anyone specific, but somehow you know they're there. 41 00:02:30,165 --> 00:02:33,255 Someone I trusted was sitting at a table and I went to sit near him. 42 00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:35,565 Various people in leadership wandering around. 43 00:02:35,925 --> 00:02:37,484 They avoided making eye contact with me. 44 00:02:38,175 --> 00:02:40,665 It was like we were all waiting for a bigger group meeting to start. 45 00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:44,295 At some point, the person I trusted left without me realizing, and there wasn't 46 00:02:44,295 --> 00:02:45,765 anyone left that I felt safe with. 47 00:02:45,975 --> 00:02:47,115 Internally, I panicked. 48 00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:50,865 I made a plan to leave the room, got up and walked out into another 49 00:02:50,865 --> 00:02:51,946 space and sat down there to wait. 50 00:02:52,295 --> 00:02:53,365 For someone safe? 51 00:02:53,685 --> 00:02:54,355 For something to happen? 52 00:02:54,894 --> 00:02:55,394 I'm not sure. 53 00:02:55,935 --> 00:02:58,275 I just remember hoping that nobody unsafe would come by. 54 00:02:58,995 --> 00:02:59,745 Then I woke up. 55 00:03:00,570 --> 00:03:03,060 I was left with that mix of post dream emotions. 56 00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:07,670 Sad, hungry, hungry, not hungry, angry, maybe hangry? 57 00:03:08,790 --> 00:03:09,780 Hurt, empty. 58 00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:13,320 And then the words my youngest said to me during our bedtime routine earlier that 59 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:15,269 night started playing back in my head. 60 00:03:15,750 --> 00:03:17,420 When Grandpa died, everything changed. 61 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,380 Thanks to name withheld. 62 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:21,420 I don't get to see my friends anymore. 63 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:23,070 Thanks for that night. 64 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:23,430 brain. 65 00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:25,649 4:00 AM thoughts like this are really helpful. 66 00:03:26,535 --> 00:03:29,685 The next stop my night brain took me to was this image of our kids 67 00:03:29,685 --> 00:03:33,045 letting themselves into the main office area to go to what was Sue, 68 00:03:33,045 --> 00:03:36,105 my wife's, office, to hang out with friends after church on a Sunday. 69 00:03:36,704 --> 00:03:37,755 It was a safe place. 70 00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:41,055 A place they thought they could relax in, be comfortable in, and feel 71 00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:43,755 a part of things by proxy because their mom worked at this church. 72 00:03:44,075 --> 00:03:47,355 What I've taken to calling conversations with my night brain aren't as frequent 73 00:03:47,355 --> 00:03:48,445 as they were a few months ago. 74 00:03:48,915 --> 00:03:50,325 But it doesn't take much to trigger them. 75 00:03:50,775 --> 00:03:52,815 A side comment about something fairly unrelated. 76 00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:55,965 An Instagram post with a face I used to see on a regular basis. 77 00:03:56,015 --> 00:03:57,825 Someone asking me to play guitar. 78 00:03:58,005 --> 00:04:00,285 One of our kids missing some part of our former life. 79 00:04:00,795 --> 00:04:03,435 Whatever it is, something kicks a pebble in my brain, and a whole 80 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,965 bunch of rocks come tumbling down. 81 00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:08,895 It's often during these times that the lyrics to the U2 song, The Little 82 00:04:08,895 --> 00:04:11,955 Things That Give You Away, the bridge in particular, try to help me make 83 00:04:11,955 --> 00:04:13,215 some emotional sense of it all. 84 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,019 Sometimes the air is so anxious. 85 00:04:16,110 --> 00:04:19,050 All my thoughts are so reckless, and all my innocence has died. 86 00:04:19,649 --> 00:04:22,469 Sometimes I wake at four in the morning, where all the darkness is 87 00:04:22,469 --> 00:04:24,450 swarming, and it covers me in fear. 88 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:29,370 Sometimes I'm full of anger and grieving so far away from believing 89 00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:30,840 that any song will reappear. 90 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,659 Sometimes the end is not coming. 91 00:04:34,050 --> 00:04:34,860 It's not coming. 92 00:04:35,159 --> 00:04:36,030 The end is here. 93 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:37,200 Sometimes. 94 00:04:38,430 --> 00:04:40,830 All right, that's the end of the, uh, reading of the blog post. 95 00:04:41,670 --> 00:04:45,270 If you're hearing this somewhere, somehow, some way and are able to give me feedback 96 00:04:45,510 --> 00:04:48,960 on whether you think this is a good idea or a bad idea, stick to blog posts, stick 97 00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:51,180 to podcasts, or stick to none of it. 98 00:04:52,590 --> 00:04:53,550 I welcome your feedback. 99 00:04:53,550 --> 00:04:55,830 As always, this has been an episode of Conversations with 100 00:04:55,835 --> 00:04:57,030 My Night Brain with Chris Enns. 101 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:58,200 Thanks for listening. 102 00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:58,531 Have a great day. 103 00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:01,001 Bye.