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So if I go back and after three decades

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as a family therapist and start

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rebuilding relationships, new relationships, taking all that

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I've learned, working with clients, thousands of people,

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I would do apply

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these three best pieces of advice

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that we're going to discuss today. If I had a clean slate, could just apply

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three things. This is what I would keep in mind. This is what I would

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like to find in friends, in spouses,

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in relationships in general. I want to see other people applying these

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three pieces of advice as well.

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Welcome to the Decide youe Legacy podcast. Today's episode is on my

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best three pieces of relationship advice. And I have

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a new goal and that I am striving for is to keep every

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podcast within the 15 minute

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time period. I like 15 minute chunks of time. You can

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do a lot in 15 minutes. You can make significant progress,

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challenge yourself to grow. You can do a lot of stuff there. And we're not

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going to be ultra rigid about it. I mean, if it's 18 minutes, if it's

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14 minutes, but in that range, I like that time period.

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And we're going to strive today to do just that. So by the end of

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this episode today, you're going to have started

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thinking about how you can adjust your approach to relationships

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and you're going to see that you're making some mistakes and that you could tweak

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some things, that you're probably doing some things pretty well that you could

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continue to do and engage in. And that's what you're going to leave with today.

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So I'm Adam Gragg. I'm your host today. I am a

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family therapist. I've been a family therapist for over three

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decades. Not over three, for three decades. So started in

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1999 as a licensed family therapist. And I'm a

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legacy coach. I'm a coach and I'm dedicated to teaching others

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how to face life with courage.

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Relationships are a big part of that. Reaching

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out, connecting. What are you gonna do? I wanna talk

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to you about that today. So when I

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like to approach relationships, I can often get

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forget what I know. It's kind of like can't see the forest through the trees.

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I mean, it's not like I get all this stuff figured out. I know that

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I can make mistakes just like anybody else. This stuff that I'm talking about today,

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I gotta. I'm reminding myself of what

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I need to do as well. So the first thing, first piece of advice,

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and this is really the hardest of all the three because it's

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foundational, it's hard because it's ongoing. You're never gonna

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totally have this figured out, but it's to like yourself. I give that one piece

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of advice is figure out how you can like yourself. Figure out how you

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can work through the crap that holds you back. Your past, your

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mistakes, your shame, your fears. All the

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stuff that may hinder you from actually, and does hinder you from actually

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carrying yourself with confidence in your relationships. That's

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a huge deal. If you start liking yourself, things are going to change.

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The way that you view yourself is

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going to have a significant. And that relationship that you have with

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yourself has the biggest impact on the

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relationship that you have with other people. Your

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self worth, how you view and approach

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yourself, meaning how you talk to yourself, what you think about

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yourself, the traits that you know you bring to relationships,

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how you engage other people. Do you do it confidently or with a lot

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of insecurity? That's going to impact the way other people relate to you.

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It's going to impact the way that you reach out to other people. And,

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and it's so foundational that it'll change everything. Once

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you start to actually like yourself. If you have a

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secure identity in yourself, then you're not doing

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things, engaging people to perform. So your interaction with someone else

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when you like yourself is not based on how they're gonna respond to

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you. It's based on what you believe is right in that situation. You're gonna be

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yourself, not imitate other people because you're not trying to control

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that interaction. You're not trying to control how they respond to you. So you're willing

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to be goofy, you're willing to be annoying, you're willing to be funny. You're

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willing to actually let your guard down because their validation of you

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is not going to impact your view of yourself. Very powerful.

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So you can work on this. This is what counselors are very good at, helping

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people unpack. Why do you struggle with how you view yourself?

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This is how we go back and we deal with our past and what's

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hanging, what our hangups are based on mistakes we've

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made or situations that we've gotten involved in that we wish we hadn't had gotten

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involved in. It's such a huge deal. I was once dating who asked

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me, well, on a date, I think it was a date, they said, well, how

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do I improve my self worth? How do I improve my self

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worth? And the answer I had to her

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was to focus on your self respect.

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So what are you tolerating in your life? Are you

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letting people mistreat you? Are you mistreating yourself? Are

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you sabotaging yourself when you don't respect yourself? You

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aren't going to get respect from other people. Self respect is

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connected to self discipline. Are you making commitments and promises

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to yourself and then following through, you know, like getting up on time and working

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out and eating right, doing things that you know are healthy

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for you? Which, by the way, I ate a bunch of ice cream before bed

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last night and it kept me up. I knew better and I decided because I

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kept telling myself, oh, you deserve it, Adam. You deserve to go to Brahms and

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get a huge old thing of chocolate yogurt. It was not good and it

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impacted my sleep last night and it wasn't the best choice for

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me, but that was connected to my own. I

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knew better, and I knew better that that wasn't the right thing for me to

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do. Yet I still went ahead and did it and I justified it and it

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wasn't healthy and I paid the price for it. So if you

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deal with this stuff, you're going to respect yourself better. You're going to bring your

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best self to the table and you can get help to work on

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this. So you can hire a coach, you can hire. Get involved with a

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support group, you can hire a therapist. So the second thing, so

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once you start respecting yourself, once you start liking yourself, you're going

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to respect yourself, you're going to take better care of yourself, and then you're

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going to be willing, which is the second piece of advice,

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willing to go first in relational interactions. So

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you're the one who's willing to do the goofy thing to get people to open

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up. You're the one who's willing to ask the questions, to challenge people to

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be themselves and to get let their guard down. You're the one who's willing to

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schedule an event or willing to ask somebody out, or willing to ask a

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guy to become better friends, to play golf. You're willing to go

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and engage in situations where you're vulnerable, where you're letting your guard down,

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because yourself, you like yourself. And you like yourself regardless of

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how well that interaction goes. So I asked somebody out today

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who it was actually interesting because it was somebody that I asked and I met

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and I asked on a date, and then it was

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canceled like 30 minutes before. And then today I reached out saying,

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hey, you want to get out? Want to get together after work? Or do you

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want to get together today or tomorrow? And she texted back right away saying,

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sure, I would love to. And then I said, well, okay, let's meet at

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Picasso's, which is a pizza place in town. Let's meet at

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Picasso's. It's 6:00pm at Picasso's Pizza. It's in

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Delano. That was at 12:56 and

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it's now 3:00 clock. 3:00, 3:10. So I haven't heard anything back, so

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hopefully I do. And then we end up connecting. We'll see how it

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goes. But it's a risk. I went first. But you know what?

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If this individual. I'm not gonna name names if they don't reach back out and

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if they don't actually, if they cancel or whatever,

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it's not about me. I feel good because I actually reached

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out. I was willing to go first. I have this golden hour that I've been

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planning into my day every single day. And these the hard tasks that I want

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to avoid every day. I've called it a golden hour. I really don't even know

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why, but it's golden if I actually execute. And so I'm

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making a list of people I'm reaching out to, hard conversations where I could get

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rejected. And if I get through it, I find myself being energized. I got through

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it today. I made 16 contacts today. In my golden hour,

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I made three. I had three meaningful conversations, not nearly as many

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as I would have liked to have had. But one of them

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closed a deal and one of them got a meeting set up. And then the

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other one was just pretty encouraging. So it was good, it

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was positive. I was energized afterwards. And hopefully I get this date

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today. And then if I don't, I'm thinking about asking a buddy to play golf.

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Maybe that's what I do instead. And maybe we go out tomorrow night. Because I.

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I said I could go out tonight or tomorrow night. We'll see what happens.

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But I got some cool things happening and going on. Go first. That's

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why I'm a fan of Icebreakers. I'm a fan of lists. I'm a fan of

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challenging ourselves. I'm a fan of community activities and

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things where you're joining a group of people engaging in the same kind of content

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or same kind of activity. Study groups, book clubs, things that you

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have to risk connection. You're going first.

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Really cool stuff. So another thing, and this is the

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last that. Well, first of all, if you want to challenge yourself to go

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first, I would not. And I would definitely

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encourage you to not lean on motivation. Don't lean on

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being energized to actually do things that move

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the needle in Relationships and in your business and in your life. Because

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if you do, then you're dependent on your feelings. And

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your feelings are gonna let you down. Cause they're gonna lie to you at times.

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No, you don't wanna do that. What you have influence over is your

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discipline. You have influence over making a

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schedule and sticking to it and establishing times,

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blocks of time that you're going to get specific things done and

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sticking it out. So I'm encouraged.

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One thing I'm encouraged by is because. Because I have been

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challenged by some friends to engage in certain aspects of my life that I

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want to avoid. And I'm going to hopefully be able to. Well,

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I know I'm going to be able to share successes with some friends about things

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I've wanted to avoid, but I've actually had some conversations that I would have

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avoided had I not had accountability in my life. And it's

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the discipline to not want to let them down or not want to have to

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actually share that I didn't follow through on certain activities, mainly making

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hard calls and dealing with difficult conversations as a

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leader in my company that I try to avoid and difficult

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conversations in my family that I try to avoid. And I have accountability. I'm going

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to go share and say, I actually went first, I actually got it done.

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And that's really encouraging to me. So you start off by figuring out

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how you can like yourself, and then you figure out how you can

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go first. And the third piece of advice that I would give you to build

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better relationships is to be curious, to seek first to understand, then

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to be understood. This will force you to listen in

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your interactions. When you remember to be curious, your anxiety is going to

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decrease because there's very interesting information you can gain

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from other people. For probably over two

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decades, I've challenged people to come up with their top 10

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questions that they can ask others. And I'd encourage you to

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do the same. In fact, the next podcast that I'm going to be recording after

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this one is on creating your top 10 questions list.

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The reason I want you to do that is because these questions

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come from you and they're. They're questions you like

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to ask other people because you're very interested in their answers.

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One of the questions that I'm interested in hearing people's answers is a silly

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one. It's whether or not they like hard or soft yolk. And I find that

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most people are very set on what they like in that area. I do not

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like hard runny yolk. It's gross to me. I don't want to be near it.

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If someone's eating that in a restaurant, I want to sit away from them.

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I don't really like that. It's really funny. But it's a curious question. I

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don't know what yours are. That's one of my silly ones. But. But I want

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you to be curious in your interactions. It will decrease your anxiety

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because you're not making it about you in that interaction. In fact, when

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you're curious and when you're going first, you're letting go of making it about

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yourself, which is really the powerful part about it. And it's making that

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interaction fun rather than stuffy and

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self centered and self promoting, not fun.

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So those are my best three pieces of advice for you. To apply to your

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dates. To apply to your work interactions. To apply to your sales calls. To apply

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to your supervision of employees. To apply to your family and your friends

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like yourself. Go first, be curious if you found this

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helpful. You're going to love Shatterproof Yourself. This is

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my content on seven steps to a giant leap in your mental

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health over three decades of working with thousands of clients.

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Some of the best stuff, worksheets, whiteboards,

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content, videos you can walk through with your team, with yourself.

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And one of those sections is all on dealing with

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relationships. You're going to learn more about how to

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improve your relationships. Cool stuff. So

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I want you to hit the link, check it out. You can purchase that, go

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through it with your team, take action. There's no

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positive change until you decide to change.

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Decide today you decide your legacy. Nobody else to

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decide means that you're eliminating other options. Your legacy is the impact your

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life will have on others. So

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live. In closing, I want to share with you what I always do. Live the

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life today that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're

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gone. You decide your legacy, nobody else. I appreciate

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you greatly and I'll see you next time. And oh yeah,

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subscribe like and share this podcast that helps it

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grow organically. Thanks for tuning in. I'll talk to you soon. Bye bye.