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Have you ever had something challenging that you wanted to complete?

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Maybe engaging, finishing a project

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or writing something and publishing it, sending

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it out to your friends? Well, if you're like me, which I

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bet many of you are, I can make

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all kinds of excuses not to get it done. And I rationalize it,

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saying that if I only prepare a little bit more,

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if I only get a little more information, do a little more research,

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refine my skills more, then

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I'll be ready and I'll feel like getting it done and launched.

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And that's a problem. For where your fear lies, there lies

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your task. I'm engaging in focusing

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on fear, letting that fear get in the way. But I'm

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rationalizing it, and I'm not even saying it's actually fear.

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So today we're going to talk about that. We're going to talk about

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the only way to confidence is through

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fear. Three principles to keep

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in mind that'll motivate you to push through.

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We can become grateful for our fears because they show us the work

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that we still need to do. I have this whiteboard that I've shown hundreds of

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clients over the past decade. I call it dcg, and

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the D stands for decide. So if you visualize this on a

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whiteboard, if you're watching the video, you're going to see this actually illustrated.

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The decision is something you commit to. You decide that you want to do something,

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you want to make some calls, you want to grow your business, you want to

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start a new relationship. Once you decide, then

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after that decision is made, it's not going to be all

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roses. You're going to have to have courage to push through,

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or else it wasn't a courageous decision

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in the first place. Now, if you're a great bowler and you decide to go

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bowling, then you're really not doing anything courageous. Now, if you're Adam,

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who's not a good bowler, who wants to become a good bowler potentially, maybe in

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the winter months here in Wichita, then I'm going to have to have courage to.

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To grow that skill. So it's courageous for me. It wouldn't be

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necessarily courageous for you. So you decide, and then you have to have courage.

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And then behind that courage is fear and uncertainty

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because you haven't done it before, because you don't know what the results are going

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to be, because you won't have any evidence that you can even do it well

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yet. Yet is the key question. So. And then you push

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through that fear and uncertainty because you have courage. Then on the

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other side of that is where you grow confidence is where you see you

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have new capabilities, is where you uncover talents you didn't actually know you had.

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You grow as you push through the fear. The only

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way to confidence is through fear. And this creates this

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DCG cycle. You decide you have courage,

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and then you grow. And then you grow and you gain the new capabilities and

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new confidence. By the end of this episode,

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you're going to be energized, knowing

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that you. You can push through and that the good

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stuff is on the other side. The new relationships, the

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increased revenue, the better health,

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the new talents, the

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confidence, the belief in yourself. The good stuff is as you push

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through, it can become a lifestyle you're going to see

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today, that you can do some things, take some specific actions

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to grow. So I faced a fear recently. I

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invited two friends to play golf, two of which I don't believe I had ever

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played golf with them before. I know I hadn't played golf with them before. Invited

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them, they said, yes, we played golf. Both were much better golfers than myself.

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It was a lot of fun. Just played nine holes. So I'm your host, Adam

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Gragg. I'm a legacy coach and a family therapist.

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And my passion in life is teaching people and organizations,

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inspiring them to live with courage,

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relationships. That's where it's at.

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That's where most of this fear comes from. That's what

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we need to face. Fear is so deceptive and cunning,

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and we can rationalize it, justify it, minimize it,

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holds us back. Have you seen this in your clients? Have you seen

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this in yourself where you get stuck in.

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In ruminating, in talking yourself out of why you

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can't do it and saying, I want to get healthier.

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But then once you've, maybe you've even made the decision.

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But after that, all these excuses, you know, I don't want to work out this

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way. If the weather's not good, I'm not going to run. If my friend

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can't work out, I'm not going to work out. It's too expensive to go to

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the gym. It takes too much time. All these things

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start to cripple you, and it's all fear. If you recognize it as

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fear, as fear, you're going to have space from it

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and more power over it. Three principles to keep in mind.

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Principle number one is that you'll never feel

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ready. You can grasp that, you can come

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to terms with that. You can choose to accept the fact that you're

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never going to feel ready. And there's a big difference between

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not Being prepared and, and being over prepared.

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Fear drives us to do both. Not preparing at all.

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Fear driven. We procrastinate over preparing. We become

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perfectionistic. There's that fine. There's

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that amazing space where you know

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that you could be more prepared. You've done your work

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and you're choosing to step forward through the fear, knowing

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that there's uncertainty and there's fear. That's the kind of courage of the

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DCG model.

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You will have at times a burst of motivation to

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do something, and that's great. But ultimately

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that motivation is going to wane because

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it's based on dopamine. It's based on this

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chemical reaction that gives us this energy to get something done.

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That's a great thing. And you're going to have that at times. But what's better

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than motivation is discipline. It's you recognizing that

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you don't feel ready, but you're going to do it anyway because it's in your

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calendar. You've made a commitment to it, to other people. You've made a

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commitment to yourself. And you're choosing to lock yourself in your office

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or get up out of bed when you know you're miserable

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in the cold because you've made a commitment

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and you know that you're not going to feel ready. Sure,

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you can be more ready and maybe you need to get.

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Be more prepared. Maybe that's one of the challenges for you. But this

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discipline is your friend. I had

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a friend who shared with me some insecurities

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that he has as a boss in holding his team

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accountable. And he told me over the weekend, I just don't know why

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I can't get over this. I don't know why I'm always stuck on what they

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think about me. And I, and I hold back and I don't have the conversations.

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And then it's the same old thing again and again. And the conversation

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went something like this. I mean, have you scheduled in

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situations where you have an opportunity to connect in a way where you could

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share some feedback with them, what are you doing to prepare for those

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conversations in advance? We had that talk.

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And so he, in his case, can be more prepared for those

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interactions. He can write down some thoughts and express, get down.

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What is the situation he wants to address as a boss to hold his team

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accountable. But ultimately he had. And he must

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recognize that he's never gonna feel completely

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ready for me. I know

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that I can get to a place where it's a seven and I can launch

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it. I'm not gonna feel ready But I'm gonna get

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feedback still from it. I'm gonna feel good launching it. There is a dopamine hit.

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Sharing a new podcast or sharing a new piece of content

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that's been written, that's exciting. But I

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have to still recognize and accept that I'm not ever going to feel totally prepared.

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So that's my challenge to you. Resolve that you'll never feel

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completely ready and accept that as fact and use

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that as something that motivates you to be disciplined

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in the face of not actually feeling ready. So second principle,

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knowing that we have to push through our fears in order to grow,

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that's how we gain confidence, is through fear. Is

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principle number two. Scheduling your fears is

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necessary? Yes. I mean those tasks

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and situation, like my buddy Allen's

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talks with his coworkers, the people he supervises, put it in the

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schedule so that you are less likely

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to make excuses because it's there. Less likely

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to not say that you forgot or not say you didn't have time

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or not say that it didn't happen because it was crowded out

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by other things on your schedule. No, there's no excuse because you put it in

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your schedule. There are emergencies that come up. People show up

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to work because it's scheduled and they want a paycheck and they don't want to

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lose their job. People show up to

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weddings and funerals because they put it in their schedule. Or life events like

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graduations or even fun things that they

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have playing with their friends, like golfing. They put it in their schedule. They have

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a tee time. They know that other people are counting on that tee time and

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so they reorient the rest of their schedule in the day so they can

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make that specific thing work out. That's what happens when you schedule a

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workout in the morning. You may be like myself. I'm sure

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you can relate to this, that if that's on your schedule. So to go to

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the gym, then you may hopefully be thinking about that at the end

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of the day. When am I going to go to bed? What am I going

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to do in the morning at my workout? Who am I going to meet there?

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Maybe I can invite somebody to meet there because it's in your schedule. Maybe it's

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a last minute invitation to a friend who's been talking about going to the gym,

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but he makes excuses as well. So you say, hey, I'm going

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at 6, you can join me. If not, even if he says no,

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you're probably 10 times more likely to make it to the gym because you told

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Somebody about it. Big time stuff

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right here. So scheduling it is necessary, that is

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necessary for you to start facing your fears. I would encourage you

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to start by scheduling when you're going to wake up and when you're going to

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go to bed, and then also scheduling for the week when you're going to get

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exercise and then putting in some of these tasks that you're afraid

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of that you can plug in. Is it having

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tough conversations with your co workers? Is it making sales calls?

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Is it reaching out to family that you love and care about, but you're not

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making an effort to reach out to them? Schedule it, because those may be some

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of your fears as well. Those connections with your friends, those connection

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times with family could very much be strong fears

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for you. Put it in the schedule. Hang out with your wife, watch

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TV at night. Maybe you're learning how to interact in a different

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way, connecting in a different way, and it's on the schedule, so.

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But that anticipation will also add opportunities for

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you to be more excited about these events in your life as well.

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One of my favorite interview questions

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I was having hanging out with a buddy who runs

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a division at a company locally on Saturday we were

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talking and it was at a

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restaurant place and you know, we were just, just having a good

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time. And there were other people around us as well

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because it was a coffee shop type like setting, you know,

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chairs around. And so other people were listening in on

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our conversation. And one of the topics of the conversation was our

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favorite interview questions to ask people. And he had his. And it was

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like, yeah, he had his question and I thought about

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mine. And one of my favorite interview questions relates to discipline

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and other people because it's a very attractive quality. So

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it has to do with hobbies and interests. And I'm

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really interested in that about them. But one of the things I'm picking up, something

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I pick up from that question is their level of discipline

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in their life. So they tell me that one of their hobbies

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is running or cycling. And I ask them how

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they do that, when do they fit that in and you get a

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sense of their level of discipline because those things that they're even

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excited about, they've had to schedule that in order to

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make that a part of their daily or weekly

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lifestyle. And that's the same thing they're scheduling in

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something that they're probably going to be afraid of at certain times.

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Maybe they're not afraid of a run 4 mile run, but

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running 10 miles with some other people they're afraid of because

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they Might not be as fast or they might have an outfit that's not as

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cool as other people they're running with. I don't know what it is for them,

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but it could trigger some fear. If they schedule it, you're less

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likely to talk yourself out of it,

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big time stuff. And if you schedule it, you are

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less likely to be able to blame it on your

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feelings. Because those feelings are connected

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to our fears as well. Fear of change, fear of being judged, fear of not

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performing up to to our standards, fear of letting ourselves down and having

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to learn something new because we're not as good as we want to be

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at something, but we're challenging ourselves to grow. That's

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crucial. That's for me. I

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like yoga and I do not like yoga. It's a love

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hate relationship. And when I have it in my schedule and

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I work out, sometimes after work and sometimes in the morning,

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morning is ideal. But I see that yoga class in my schedule

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and if it's after work, well,

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I know that in my head I'm going to have all kinds

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of different thoughts. You know, you don't have time for this, it's all

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sweaty in there and you got other things you need to

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get done this evening. It's not good to do yoga after

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you eat dinner. I don't know the excuses are going to come,

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but I also have things, this battle in my mind saying you're going to

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feel great afterwards, you meet nice people there,

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you're going to feel good physically. Tomorrow's going to be a better day.

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And which one wins kind of depends on the day and it depends on the

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consistency and it depends on whether I'm looking at that

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schedule or not. But having it in that schedule makes me more likely to

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actually go to a yoga class. And two a week is my goal.

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It helps me to, if it's in the morning, get up on time because I'm

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starting to think about that class the next day. You focus on the schedule in

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advance. So principle number three related

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to remembering that the

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only way to confidence is through fear. Third principle is

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that you want to remember how you will feel

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after you, you face that scary thing in your life,

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how you will feel after. And being able to grasp

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that is going to motivate you to push through the fear. Because that reward

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becomes bigger, it grows.

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It's not nearly as

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ambiguous because you remember I felt really great there

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and I do that with my own business recently, over the last two years.

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I didn't do this in the past, which is the partially Why I was

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struggling. I had a lot of things that kept me and held me back from

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growing. A lot of fear, basically. But recently I spend

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more time focusing on the good things

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as Decide youe Legacy grows that are gonna come about. I can hire

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new people which can help them provide for their

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families. I'll meet new people and I like people. I have more people

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around and it's a more social environment. I meet new clients and I get to

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see client successes. And that always feels really cool when they're excited about

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the progress that they're making through coaching. I get

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to increase revenue and then give pay raises

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and bonuses and maybe even, well, I shouldn't say

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maybe have a new office in the future that has

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technology that I want and has. Not that I have

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a great office now and have a great team now. So I'm not trying to

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say I don't appreciate them by any means, but to grow

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and provide better benefits and to

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increase the reach the people we get to help. And I

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feel it's like when I get that

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positive feedback from clients, I feel like,

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wow, this is our purpose. This is amazing. So that's so

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encouraging. If I motivate, if I can focus

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on how I'm going to feel, then it's not nearly as painful to

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push through the fear. I mean, it still is, but it's worth it

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because of all the potential benefits on the other side. And it may not go

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well. It may not be exactly how I want it to be. In fact, it's

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never gonna be perfect. It's always gonna have some messiness to it. Yet

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I'm still gonna grow if I push through the fear, regardless of what that

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outcome is. I recently had a call

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to somebody that I was

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thinking about the call and I was prepared for it, but actually

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after it was done, I'm like, gosh, why did I say

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that? You know, why didn't I ask these questions and why did I say that?

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Because I don't know if I'll have a chance to interact with this person. It

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was like a chance to talk to somebody

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that I don't communicate with a lot. And I look back too,

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and say I really wasn't as prepared as I wanted to be in the interaction.

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And as I look back on it, reflecting now, it's kind of easy to

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see I grew from that. I know right afterwards I just sat in my

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chair for like three minutes before I went and talked to one of the people

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on my team, trying to get some encouragement.

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And I like every interaction to go well, don't we all? I mean, we all

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want to have positive interactions, but it didn't go as well as I wanted it

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to be, as well as I wanted it to go. But

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I learned from it and it's helping me to grow. When you

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focus on how you feel afterwards, you're

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going to find that

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the emotions you start to feel even then are going to be more empowering

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as you focus on it. You can help yourself and you can own

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your own emotional state. In fact,

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it'll give you some sense of excitement. At least it does for me.

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When I realize how I'm going to feel after I push through and have that

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hard conversation. I find that

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when and I do this with my team and we focus on our

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10 year vision as a company, when we focus on

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reaching these goals towards our 10 year vision,

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when we take the time to start a meeting reflecting on

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these aspects of the business, our values and our, our

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aim, our mission, that is motivating not just to me,

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but to the whole team. We're remembering why we do what we do.

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And you can do that for yourself and you can do that and start training

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yourself to do it consistently and you'll have more and more of this

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DCG growth that I'm talking about here.

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You talk about the successes that happen with your team. Again,

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that's tapping into the motion, the emotion, so you can

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motivate. As I've

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learned from Jonathan Haight and Guy,

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that is my coach as well, his name's Dan. We talk about

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sometimes that we have our, this metaphor of a rider

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on an elephant and then a path for the elephant, the rider on the

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elephant, little guy, tiny guy, he's, he's the rational mind. He represents

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the rational mind. The elephant represents the emotional mind. Our

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amygdala, how fired up we can get when we're scared. We can just want to

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run and that elephant's going to go wherever it wants to go. And the path

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is environmental factors. You have influence over your rational

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mind which can help the elephant and you have influence over by,

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by tapping into the emotion, you can motivate the elephant and

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then you can shape the path by having a schedule, you can shape the path

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by having accountability. You can shape the path by getting training. You can shape the

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path by remembering models that

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keep you focused, by focusing on, you can shape the cognitive

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mind, that writer, the rational mind, by getting more information, getting

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factual information about the situation that can help you to see

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that you can make it through this difficult situation because the facts are on your

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Side Facts are not feelings. Facts are facts. They stand on

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their own. Feelings can be based on facts and they can be based on lies.

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They can be based on our past. We want to be able to be really

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careful with that. I know a situation that

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happened for me years ago when I was in

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college is I liked this galaxy

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and I didn't really know her. And so I convinced the pledges in the

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fraternity to go on Valentine's Day and give her a rose from me.

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And they did. You know, I was a junior and they were pledges

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and so they went down to their Monday night dinner at the sorority. She

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was in the DG fraternity. Sorority. I was in the Fidel

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fraternity in University of Oregon. And they brought her this rose. And

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then she came back. I was kind of terrified by it because I'd never done

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something like this before. And the pledges came back and said, oh, she liked the

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rose, you know, and the other girls liked the rose. And then

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I was going to call this gal and back then we used the phone and

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there was actually no cell phone. So we called the sorority house telephone

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to connect with the girls in the sorority. So I

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called that phone, tried to reach her and

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I wasn't able to get through. And but

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the interesting thing about that is it took me probably two

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weeks to make that phone call. I picked up word that this gal

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had a boyfriend. And I remember thinking, I'm not going to call her, I'm not

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going to call her. Or I wanted to call her. I wanted. She seemed interested

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and I don't know where. Her boyfriend wasn't at the school, he was in another

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state. I remember clearly the guy was. Her boyfriend was in Nevada. I remember that.

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But I remember just ruminating on this. I don't know if I can call, if

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I should call. I can't call, I'm going to get rejected. And I waited

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and waited and waited and missed an opportunity to connect with somebody. And

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that's been my life in a number of situations, especially

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regarding dating, regarding women. And I blame that on going to an all boys high

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school. So especially where I just think and

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think and think and it's misery. That's what

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that's suffering right there. You're stuck. But then I

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remember, even if I had this model on right now, I

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would remember that, just making the call and asking her to go get

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coffee and going and connecting with her. And eventually when I made the

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call, she said she would go get coffee with me, but I never took her

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up on it because I couldn't take this boyfriend thing out of my mind. Very

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silly stuff. I shouldn't have taken it so seriously. But that

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to me is an opportunity that I had to apply

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and I could have applied DCG and grown, but I missed that opportunity.

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Don't miss these opportunities you have in your life to grow because they're

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there every day for you. So the only

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way to confidence is pushing through fear.

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Number one. First principle resolve to the fact that you will never

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feel ready. Second principle schedule the fear

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into your life. It's necessary to do so. And the third is to

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remember how you will feel afterwards because that

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will motivate you to to push through. So if you found this podcast

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00:23:53,870 --> 00:23:57,630
helpful, check out Shatterproof yourself. These are seven

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00:23:57,630 --> 00:24:01,350
small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. This course you purchase

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00:24:01,350 --> 00:24:04,270
and go through. There's a community that you can engage in. I had a live

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00:24:04,270 --> 00:24:08,030
Q and A today and I did a live coaching session today that was

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00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:11,510
super fun and I went through content Special content

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00:24:11,670 --> 00:24:15,310
just for these very special subscribers to the side youe

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00:24:15,310 --> 00:24:19,070
Legacy community. There's a. There's a manual that goes with it. This

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00:24:19,070 --> 00:24:22,710
is my best content worksheets I've been using with clients for

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00:24:22,710 --> 00:24:26,150
20 plus years and you have access to it.

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00:24:26,390 --> 00:24:30,230
Lifetime access to this content and it's one of the sections

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00:24:30,230 --> 00:24:34,030
is on owning your emotions which is what we're talking about today. So hit the

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00:24:34,030 --> 00:24:37,870
link. Check out Shatterproof. Seven small steps to

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00:24:37,870 --> 00:24:40,790
a giant leap in your mental health and the community

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00:24:41,510 --> 00:24:44,000
as well. There's no

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positive change without a decision

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00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:52,160
to change. You decide your legacy. You make the

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decision. Your legacy depends on you acting on

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00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,440
doing something. And nothing

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00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:03,680
will make my day better than knowing you have taken some action on

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00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:07,520
this content based on this content. Take action

404
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:11,310
and follow me. Subscribe

405
00:25:11,310 --> 00:25:15,110
and leave a rating and review on Apple, Spotify wherever you get your

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00:25:15,110 --> 00:25:18,870
podcast content that helps it to grow organically. To decide

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00:25:19,270 --> 00:25:23,110
means that you are eliminating other options. Your legacy is

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00:25:23,110 --> 00:25:26,630
the impact that your life has on other people.

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In closing, I want to close today the way I always do. Live the life

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today that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone.

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You decide your legacy. Nobody else. I appreciate you

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greatly and I'll see you next time.