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You know your business needs to change, but you’re caught in the emotional and relational dynamics that are holding you back. Welcome to Noble Metal, the podcast that helps you forge a new kind of leadership. Host Phillip Weiss, a seasoned executive coach and organizational consultant, reveals how to become a more resilient, deliberate, and less-anxious leader.
Through powerful insights based on Bowen Theory and systems thinking, you’ll learn to navigate complex workplace relationships, manage challenging strategic issues, and lead your team to sustainable change. Get the clarity and tools you need to forge a new path for your business.
Ep05
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Introduction to Differentiation of Self
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Phillip: [00:00:00] Welcome back to Noble Metal Podcast, where we explore leadership in both life and work through the lens of Bowen Family Systems. Today we're gonna be diving into actually really what is the key element of Bowen Theory, differentiation of self.
It's a mouthful, so we're gonna geek out today a bit on theory but for some very practical reasons. [00:01:00] Because if you're a leader, a parent, partner, or simply just somebody who has to relate to other people, this concept of differentiation shapes how we make decisions, handle pressure, and show up when things in particular get tense.
So previously we've talked about the system, the togetherness pressure, and then the anxiousness that comes into it from all sides and from within. And gets us swirled around, gets us kind of stirred up so that we are not always doing some of our own best thinking and best acting really. So the question is, what do we actually do with this awareness?
We've got some awareness around this now, and that is where we're starting today. We're gonna start with this concept of differentiation. We're gonna be digging into it over the next couple of episodes for sure, and it's ultimately, it's the bottom line from here on out to a very high degree. So this idea of differentiation, it's not a quick fix.
If you're looking [00:02:00] for that, this isn't really what I'm gonna be delivering. This is really a lifelong practice, and I love to use the word journey in, in a sense, it is a journey, but we're gonna work to break it down into plain language. What differentiation is, what it's not, why it matters for leaders, and what it looks like when you begin to live into it.
So let's, dig in.
Understanding Differentiation: Key Concepts
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Phillip: When Murray Bowen first described this concept of differentiation of self, he wasn't talking about being detached, superior, or unemotional. He was talking really about clarity. Bowen believed that human functioning is really driven by two big variables. The level of anxiousness or anxiety in a system and the degree to which a person can remain a self in the middle of that anxiety.
So the question becomes, when the pressure goes up, how much of quote unquote you can you still hold [00:03:00] on to? Bowen defined differentiation as really the capacity of a person to distinguish between thoughts and feelings and to choose actions based on principle rather than the emotional pressure of the moment or even the emotional pressure of the long term.
Another way to think about this. Concept of differentiation is about how well someone can stay connected to others while still maintaining a clear, solid sense of self again, especially when anxiety is high.
Bowen's Four Key Elements of Differentiation
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Phillip: There are four key elements that I want to really note around Bowen's definition. First of all, he distinguishes thinking from feeling.
Highly differentiated. People can recognize their emotions without being run by them. They can think clearly, even when they may be feeling strongly, and they can distinguish between the two. There's not a muddiness there. There's not a [00:04:00] big blur. Secondly, there's a distinction between self versus others.
More highly differentiated folks can stay in the relationship without automatically conforming, distancing, or fighting to manage anxiety. Drawing from those anxious reactive patterns that we covered last time. Thirdly. Principle based functioning decisions are guided more by values and thoughtful judgment than by the need for approval, harmony or emotional relief.
And fourthly. The to anxiety, anxiety tolerance, differentiation shows up most clearly under stress. The more differentiated the person, the less reactive and the more steady they remain, they can take the heat in the kitchen. These people are able to engage emotionally difficult situations. So interestingly, Bowen [00:05:00] saw differentiation as a continuum from high to low, and you see this in his writings pretty extensively.
So it's a continuum. It's not a personality trait that you either have or don't have. Everyone shifts upper down in slight degrees depending on stress relationships, and the context that we're in. Bowen also said that differentiation is the ability to feel your feelings fully.
We're not pretending that they don't exist. But we're still bringing our thinking online while recognizing the feelings as well. It's not about being cold or cut off, it's about being honest with what's going on and working to remain as steady as possible in the face of it. Ed Friedman, who was actually a good friend of Bowen, and I'll talk more about Friedman later, that's F-R-I-E-D-M-A-N.
He notes that a differentiated person has clarity about their own life goals and is less likely [00:06:00] to get swept up. The emotional chaos around them. These are not autocrats, they're not jerks per se. They're not somebody barking orders, but they're someone who can stay clear and connected without getting caught up in all of the emotional swirl.
Sounds simple, but I think we also know that, that that kind of dynamic is not easy.
Differentiation in Practice: Satya Nadella's Leadership
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Phillip: I. So to illustrate, I want to draw from the world of business from really a, person who has very much distinguished himself in leadership over the last decade, and that's Satya Nadella at Microsoft. And in a way, he is a great story of defining himself without.
Dominating. So when he became CEO of Microsoft in 2014, the company was internally siloed, hugely and politically charged, falling behind Apple, Google, and Amazon, in really major categories. So when he came on board, a lot of people expected Nadella to either [00:07:00] assert control aggressively and shake things up, or be swallowed by entrenched power structures that were already in play, and he didn't either.
So notice the moves that he made. He clearly and calmly defined who he was as a leader, especially when others were skeptical and he publicly and repeatedly stated that Microsoft would move from a know-it-all to a learn it all. Culture collaboration would replace internal competit competition, and very importantly.
And this is worth noting. He did not ask permission. He did not argue defensively with his critics. He didn't personalize resistance. This was a classic definition in a way. His behaviors are of, this is how I will lead, and others are free to respond as they choose. So he set his position out there and again, others are free to respond as they choose.
So defining yourself isn't a speech. It's [00:08:00] consistency over time. It's making those moves small as even they may be. So for Nadella, some practical things he did, he changed incentive structures to reward collaboration, he backed some unpopular decisions such as partnering with competitors.
He let, and this is an interesting one, he let high performing, but toxic leaders leave rather than accommodating them. And when longtime executives push back, he didn't escalate emotionally, he didn't freak out, he held steady. He let the outcomes, speak for themselves and stayed aligned with his values.
So here's what he did not do, and this is where the differentiation shows in some ways most clearly. He didn't shame or vilify the old culture. He didn't try to overexplain himself. He didn't take resistance personally, and he really didn't try to win everybody over.
A lower differentiated leader would have probably tried to do some of those things, [00:09:00] including micromanaging and reacting to critics, et cetera. He didn't do that. As a result, over time, Microsoft's market value has grown from 300 billion to over $2 trillion. Employee engagement has risen sharply over time, and Microsoft became culturally relevant again.
Nadella didn't influence Microsoft through charisma or control. He influenced by being really clear about who he was, stating it clearly, living it consistently, and letting others react without chasing them. I have to say this is an unusually excellent example of when a leader defines himself clearly in a system and lets the system reorganize around that clarity.
Let me restate that. He defined himself clearly in the system, and the system reorganized around that clarity. I think that's a incredible [00:10:00] description of leadership. And this is exactly going back to what my very first episode. This is exactly what we mean by noble metal. There's a solidity.
We're not reacting to our environments, nor are we contaminating them, but we're actually stabilizing them. So back to Murray Bowen. He talked about again, that differentiation is a scale from low to high, and that most of us probably live somewhere in sort of that messy middle. People on the lower half tend to live in a feeling oriented world.
Emotions and subjectivity drive decisions. Major life choices happen based on what feels right in the moment. To a fairly high degree life orbits around comfort, harmony, and relationship stability, and lots of energy goes into thinking about those relationships. And now we know there's nothing wrong, obviously with the relationship dynamic and valuing that.
But with these lower levels, there is often an overfocus on how things are [00:11:00] going in important relationship dynamics. Also with these folks on the lower end, when anxiety spikes, people tend to lose their thinking. Reactivity is kind of what's driving the ship people who live in the upper half of the scale are not emotionless. They simply have though more energy available for goal directed behavior. Life is not hanging on just relationship dynamics. There is energy to go around and they can distinguish between what they feel and what is objectively true.
They're less reactive to praise and criticism, meaning that they're less keyed into relationships as a source of their stability. It's not that they don't care, it's that their sense of self isn't bouncing up and down based on someone else's opinion. And, and candidly, it's that kind of steadiness that is the foundation for effective leadership, whether it's in the [00:12:00] home or whether it's at work.
Church, wherever. So let me just stop and ask, what is your thinking about this concept of differentiation so far? As you think about it, what percentage of your thoughts and actions do you think come from a place of thoughtful deliberation versus more automatic reactivity? How grounded are you in your and clear?
Are you in your own principles, values? That drive your everyday actions. To what degree have you really thought about these? To what extent are they are they your own versus some that are borrowed?
So let me clear up a mis misconception here that could be kind of maybe stirring in some people's minds. Differentiation is not the narcissistic I or me. It's not like I get to do what I want. My opinions are the only truth, or you can't question me my way or the highway.
That is not [00:13:00] differentiation, that's emotional immaturity dressed up in a sense as confidence. Differentiation to a degree is actually kind of the opposite. It requires owning your own principles and still at the same time being open to challenge, welcoming dialogue. It means defining yourself without demanding that others define themselves the exact same way.
Differentiation in Personal Relationships
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Phillip: So let's take a family example here. So Linda calls her adult daughter Emma, frustrated and upset. Your father never listens to me. She says, I've told him a dozen times and he just shuts down. This is a familiar pattern. Emma feels the poll for years. She's been the sym, this sympathetic listener to her mom, the translator, the one who carries messages between her parents and she can already kind of feel herself.
Tensing up. But this time after listening for a moment, [00:14:00] Emma says, you know, mom, that sounds really hard. I don't want to be in the middle between you and dad. Have you told him this directly? There's silence on the line, and Linda just sis and says, I just, I just thought you'd understand. And Emma, the daughter says, I do understand.
I also want you two to work this out with each other so the conversation feels uncomfortable. This is new. And Emma wor, you know, worries a little bit that she's, you know, coming off as cold and not supportive, but later she notices something new. As time goes on a little bit, the calls don't escalate the way they used to and they don't.
10 toward those topics, her parents' tension actually began to shift a little bit away from her life and more where it belonged. So looking at this through a Bowen lens, Emma refused to absorb the anxiety by being triangled in. By stepping out, she allowed the original [00:15:00] relationship between her mom and dad to carry its own emotional load.
That's their load to carry.
So as we think about this application to leadership, I want to kind of do a broad brush stroke of what it might look like. And we're gonna be digging far more into detail over time on this.
Applying Differentiation in Leadership
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Phillip: But A differentiated leader is defined, I think, in three essential ways. First, they're very clear. About what it is they're doing, and I'm talking about somebody who's leading a team in this case. They're clear about what they're doing and why. There's a vision. They understand again, the path that they're going down and why they're going down this PLA path.
And there is a very clear plan for how they're gonna get there. So let's talk about just even like a, you know. A plan for 2026 for the X, Y, Z department. We have a plan. We, we have steps. It's not fuzzy. [00:16:00] Priorities are broken down into actionable steps. And they're communicated. And they're communicated regularly.
It's not about charismatic, inspirational speeches. It's about clarity, clean steps. Well communicated. So what we'll do, secondly, it's about how we'll do it. You're clear about your values and what we like to call your operating principles, what you will do, what you won't do, how you will make decisions.
These become the behaviors that flow from your clarity. So the third one, we actualize and we execute. We make it happen. We've got clear, we've got a plan, we've got steps, we've got clear expectations, clear accountability, and we start moving through it and we follow through even when sometimes it's uncomfortable. Differentiated leadership isn't about inspiring people [00:17:00] always with slogans.
You know, sometimes that might be okay, but ultimately it's about being a steady force that is clear, that has clarity that others can orient themselves around, especially during times of uncertainty.
Conclusion and Next Steps
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Phillip: So as we move toward a wrap here, at least for this episode on differentiation, again, it's not a personality trait in a sense, it's a set of moves you make based on clearly defined principles, and you make these over and over again, these moves in some cases, as you grow. We are not talking about major leaps.
We're, we're talking in some cases about very small steps, even as you saw in the case of that, of Linda and Emma in that family story. In summary, differentiation is thinking clearly while maybe still feeling deeply. It's about staying connected to key [00:18:00] players without losing yourself. The heat's up in the kitchen, you're still in it.
It is about being principled but not rigid. You're still open to dialogue and new data. And again, along that line, you're inviting dialogue without surrendering necessarily your own clarity. And lastly, you're choosing courage over comfort when anxiety arises. The good news. We can develop this, we can get better at this.
Bowen himself said, nobody's fully differentiated. We have to work on it, and we start by thinking systems, seeing systems, getting objective about it, starting to make plans and making very small. Moves along the way. By the way, according to Bowen and Bowen, family systems thinkers, the heavy lifting of differentiation is done [00:19:00] typically in our families of origin.
That's kinda where everything happened, and so we go back to the scene to work on it. More about that later.
So broadly speaking, what could this differentiation look like, especially as you are thinking about moving into 2026? And I'm specifically kind of thinking of leaders. So if you're a leader of a team in particular, and you're looking down the pike 2026, let me just lay out what might be a very broad brush stroke for how you might be thinking about. Laying it out, if you will, for your team. I have three concepts or three constructs here. First of all, what is it you're gonna do?
Do you have a clear vision? Do you know where you're going? Do you know why you're going there? Create a plan around it. No fuzzy ideas. No fuzzy, like let's, we kind of are feeling our way through this. Get specific, get it on [00:20:00] paper. Priorities, get them broken down into actionable steps. And lastly, communicate it out.
We're clear about what we're doing. Here are the steps, and we're communicating it out. So what you're gonna do, secondly, another construct might be to think about how it is you're going to do it. Get clear about your values, your operating principles. How is it we as a team are gonna work together to get this done?
What is it you will do? What is it you will tolerate? What is it you will not do? What is it? You will not? Tolerate, how are you gonna make decisions? How might you make adjustments along the way? these become the behaviors that flow from your clarity. So you've got what we'll do, how you'll do it, and then you move into actualizing an execution.
You've set clear expectations for individuals in their roles, and you have regular accountability conversations as you move in on [00:21:00] it. Make adjustments where you need to follow through, even when it's uncomfortable. Differentiated leadership isn't always about inspiring people with slogans.
It's about being a steady force that others can orient themselves around, especially during uncertainty. But there's a great opportunity here, I think to tee things up for your teams as you move into 2026. Thank you so much for listening today. If this resonated with you, share it with somebody who's trying to lead with more clarity and more courage, and as we come into the new year, what's it gonna take for you to get more clarity?
What will it take to start making even just one small move toward a little bit more self? We'll dig deeper into this next time. Again, thank you.