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Cailin: Welcome everyone to
Faith and Purpose podcast.

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Each episode of this podcast contains the
personal testimony of an ordinary person

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transformed by an extraordinary God.

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My name is Caitlin and I'm
here to introduce this podcast

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for my friend Jesse Duke.

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Jesse is a husband, father, author,
life recovery guide, lay counselor,

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and small group leader, but his
most important role is disciple.

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As a disciple of Jesus.

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Jesse created this podcast to help other
believers tell their faith stories.

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We'll be hearing the personal
testimonies of all sorts of people

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who have one thing in common,
Jesus has transformed their lives.

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Jesus used parables because he created
us to learn best through story.

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And as we listen to how God has worked
in others lives, we find encouragement

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and inspiration for our own faith walk.

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Whether you are already a believer, or
just a curious seeker, we believe that

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as you listen to these stories, you will
be encouraged on your own faith journey.

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We are sure that God can speak to you
through one of these episodes, and that

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you will see that our Heavenly Father
truly works all things together for

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our good, When we simply love and trust
him if you are currently going through

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a trial We believe that you will come
to see that your troubles Heartbreaks

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and failures are not gravestones, but
stepping stones into new life in Christ.

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Here's Jesse with today's guest

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Welcome, everybody, to the
Faith and Purpose Podcast.

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I'm Jesse Duke, and today I'm talking
with my longtime friend, Clarence

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Jones, and I'm really excited about
what he has to share with us today, and

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I know you're gonna be blessed by it.

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Good to see you, Clarence.

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How are you doing today?

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I'm doing good.

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I had my morning coffee
and I'm ready to go.

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Well, it's good to see you.

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And tell us, tell us about
your spiritual journey.

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Well, um, Jess, I know we met
each other probably back in 2010.

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And, you know, you know, a lot
about my life, but there's some

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things that, uh, it happened.

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And I, and I think it's probably best
if I start to, when I was born, Cause

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I was born up North in the Bronx.

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Uh, I grew up with five other
siblings and, um, we didn't spend a

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whole lot of time going to church.

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What I can remember about going to
church is probably my grandmother

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smacking me in the back of the head.

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Whenever I fell asleep, um, as we continue
to grow and we came teenagers, I know

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my family, we all moved to, uh, Florida
because my brother had asthma really bad.

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So we ended up living in, um, Miami.

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And we were pretty poor.

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Uh, the man that was married to my
mother left us stranded down there.

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He was supposed to sell a house
and come meet us down there.

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But, uh, he ended up marrying my mother's
sister, became a bigamist and left us.

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you know, broke my mother
with six kids in Miami.

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So we got into a lot of stuff
down there as six kids just

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trying to struggle and making it.

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Um, I remember getting high with my
brother drinking with him and his friends.

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I started smoking marijuana at age 14.

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We just, uh, we, we pretty much
did what we wanted to do because

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our mother was never around.

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Uh, I remember after a while it
got to the point where it's so bad.

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My mom sent me and my sisters back up
to New York to live with my grandmother.

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And, uh, I was in the house, the only
boy with three girls that didn't go well.

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I lived there for about three years.

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Um, I remember going to this one school.

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Where I was the only black
kid in the entire school.

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And, um, so I was subject to
a bit of racism at that time.

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And, you know, as a young kid, you
don't even use the word racism.

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You just know that you're different
and you're treated a different way.

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And I was desperately
just trying to fit in.

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So a lot of stuff I would just take, I
remember taking a lot of things, the name

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calling and the joking and the insults
and just laughing it off, thinking

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that these were my friends, but I was
treated pretty badly at that school.

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Uh, my grandmother found out about
it and she pulled me out and then

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I was able to go back down to Miami
and live with my mother again.

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But um, that wasn't any better
because I got around my brothers and

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once again, we were, you know, while
doing what we wanted to do, I can

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remember one particular time when my
grandmother came back down there and

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she wanted to take me back to New York.

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And I didn't want to go, you know,
because we were poor in Miami we

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didn't have much but I had freedom.

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And at that age freedom was everything.

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So I remember even cursing at my
grandmother telling her to leave me

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alone and my mom didn't do anything
about it she never disciplined us.

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So I still regret that to this day.

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I know me and my brothers, we, uh, my
older brother, George, we fought a lot.

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We even fought over the same girl once.

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We fought over the same girl, the first
girl that I started dating, he ended up

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sleeping with her, so we fought over that.

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It was a lot of stuff going on
in our family that wasn't great.

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You know, as a kid, I remember
things, you know, my grandfather was

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molesting my, uh, youngest sister
for many years, and, uh, Yeah, I,

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I, I couldn't do anything about it.

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I remember when it all came out and
my grandmother, my mother tried to

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sweep it under the rug, you know, they
didn't want anybody to know about it.

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My grandfather ended up getting off.

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I don't even remember how he did it.

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Somehow he never went to jail
and never did any time for

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it, but he got off on that.

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And all those things bothered me
as a child, but you know, I just

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didn't know how to express it.

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So I just bottled it up and I
continued drinking, getting high

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with my brothers and my friends.

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I remember we lived in Miami, me and
my sister, my older sister, my older

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brother, we used to have this bench
outside the yard and we would sit there

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and we would drink quarts of beer.

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And, you know, we'd smoke and that's
pretty much was our life there.

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Um, after, uh, Miami, uh, I left
and we moved to South Carolina.

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I remember me and my mother, my brother,
we were on the road for a long time.

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And, uh, we went to several different
States and we ended up running

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out of money in South Carolina.

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So I lived in South Carolina,
finished off high school there.

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Um, met my first wife there and, uh,
we got married at a very young age.

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And, um, I had my first daughter
when I lived in, uh, I'm sorry,

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I'm trying to get it straight.

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It was in South Carolina.

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So we moved, I moved back down to Florida.

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Yeah.

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And, um, me and my wife had
a very volatile relationship.

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She ended up becoming a striptease
dancer and I was a waiter in a restaurant

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and then we were making so much money.

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All we did was cheat on
each other, drink and fight.

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I don't know how I was able to even
raise my daughter in that type of

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environment, but I remember I always used
to try never to smoke in front of her.

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So I used to have this place outside where
I would go and smoke and do my drugs.

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And then I would come back in the house
and, uh, I don't, I don't think that, um,

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I was hiding anything from my daughter,
but at that time I thought I was.

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So, you know, it wasn't a surprise.

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My daughter was about eight years old that
me and my wife got a divorce at that time.

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So we left each other.

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Uh, we came back together a
year later and we decided to

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give our marriage a second try.

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And that's when I had my second son,
well, my first son, but, um, That wasn't

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planned and I remember blaming her
thinking that, you know, she had gotten

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pregnant on purpose to trap me back and
we were just trying to work things out.

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So between that and everything
else that was going on, that

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relationship didn't last.

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So I left, uh, I left my wife with
two kids because I, I just felt

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like, you know, I didn't want to
be in that relationship anymore.

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I remember moving down to, uh,
Myrtle Beach with my older brother

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and this young girl friend of
mine's, her name was Crystal.

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Same name as my daughter.

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Don't ask me.

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And, uh, I would like to sit
here and tell you that she got

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me hooked on crack because, um,
she was smoking crack before me.

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But the truth of the matter
is I saw what she was doing.

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I liked it.

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And so I did it.

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So I have nobody to blame but myself.

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And, you know, I thought that I could just
because I did cocaine before marijuana.

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I haven't done acid, but we had never
me and my brother always told us that

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we would never touch crack cocaine, but
we ended up trying it and I liked it.

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And, you know, you never think
about becoming a crack addict.

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At the onset, you always think like, okay,
I'm just going to try a little bit of it.

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I can handle it, you know, and you try and
then you might go another three or four.

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It was like another three or four
months before I tried it again.

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So I felt like I had it handled.

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But it's like they say in AA, like
one is too much and a thousand is not

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enough because you have that one and
you think, okay, well, I just had one.

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I can go a couple of months
without doing another one.

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So I'm fine.

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But eventually, you know,
I was doing it every day.

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I mean, I was making.

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So much money and about 90 percent
of everything I was making was

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going to pay my drug dealers.

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And I had moments of sobriety
times when I would get off it

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for a year and I get back on it.

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I go back and forth, but, um, I'd
always end up back on the stuff again.

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I remember one time I thought I
was, I was so proud of myself.

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I had went a whole year without drinking,
smoking, or doing any kind of drugs.

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So I felt like I should
go out and celebrate.

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You know how I went out and celebrated?

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Everything.

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I did everything.

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I felt like I deserved it.

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So, yeah, I've been there.

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That was my life for
a long period of time.

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Can I ask you a question?

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Uh, yes.

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I, I thank God I never did crack
because I probably would've killed me.

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But, uh, when you do crack,
how long does the effect last?

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Now, I'm not an expert, so,
um, I don't, I'm, I'm, let

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me, let me ask you a question.

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Have you ever done Coke before?

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No.

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Okay.

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Well.

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Cocaine, you snorted up your nose
and it lasts a nice long time.

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It gives you a nice mellow buzz.

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It's really, really nice and mellow.

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When you do crack cocaine,
it's like you took that whole

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mellow buzz and compressed it.

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Into like five minutes of it, like
it takes you, it just, it just,

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it, it, it's a real big rush and
it, but it doesn't last long.

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It lasts about five,
maybe 15 minutes tops.

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So yeah.

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Okay.

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Right away.

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You want to do some more and
you want to do some more.

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You want to do some more.

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You want to do some more.

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Um, me and this girl, we
used to have this joke.

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We used to play, we'd look at each other
right before we, we do our first set.

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And I said, I meet you on planet nine.

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I'll meet you on planet, take a hit.

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And we'd be in our own little world.

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Yeah.

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You know, I've, I've seen
guys, they get really paranoid.

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They would like this one, guy, he would go
and he would hide under the kitchen table

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because he thought police were getting
ready to kick the door in any minute.

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I never could do that because I felt like
if any type of drug that I did was going

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to make me that paranoid, why do it?

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Because you can't enjoy it.

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And, um, a lot of people like to blame the
drugs and it gets to the point where the

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drugs are the problem, but they are never
the, uh, the initiator of the problem.

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The initiator of the problem was
my childhood and what I, what, what

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I was lacking from my childhood.

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And I didn't even know that, you
know, I was lacking guidance.

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I was lacking a father.

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I was lacking a mother that
I felt like they didn't care.

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And All those things that I really
needed that I didn't know I needed

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is what led me to the drugs.

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Now the drugs eventually became the
problem, but until I go back and I

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find out what the initiator of that
problem was and deal with that trauma,

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I could never get off the drugs.

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That's why I would stay sober
for a year and get back on it.

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Or I do six months, a year,
you know, doesn't matter how

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long I stayed off the drugs.

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I always got back on it because
I never went back and dealt

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with that initial trauma.

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Um.

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It wasn't until I checked myself
because I always had a job.

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That's one thing.

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I always worked, had to pay for my habit.

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I wasn't about the bum.

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I wasn't that type of guy that's
going to go out in the street

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and try to hustle for my money.

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No, I'm getting me a J.

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O.

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B.

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It got so bad.

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I've been doing budget since I
was 21 years old, I used to budget

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drugs into my monthly budget, I
would have rent, electricity, crack,

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laundry, and I would budget it in.

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One time I was waiting tables.

00:14:36.043 --> 00:14:40.413
And, um, I would, sometimes I would
scratch my, my budget down on a sheet of

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paper, you know, just until I got home.

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And this girl found my budget and she
said, you really shouldn't put drugs on

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your budget . And I said, oh, shoot, I,
I, I left that line around somewhere.

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So, um, but you know, that was me.

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So I always had a job.

00:14:56.373 --> 00:15:02.593
I always worked, I always felt, I,
I I led a life that, um, you know,

00:15:02.593 --> 00:15:06.133
people that worked with me and
that saw me, had to see me one way.

00:15:07.573 --> 00:15:13.153
When I went out and did my drugs, I made
sure that I went to places where I felt

00:15:13.183 --> 00:15:19.413
were the most And lack of a better word,
most negative people possible because

00:15:19.413 --> 00:15:21.423
I didn't want those two worlds to mix.

00:15:21.663 --> 00:15:24.893
In other words, in this world, I
would never run into the people over

00:15:24.893 --> 00:15:28.723
here, like my family or people I
work with or people that saw me as

00:15:28.723 --> 00:15:32.323
maybe an upstanding citizen, those
that maybe did see me that way.

00:15:32.793 --> 00:15:36.813
So when I did my drugs, I always went
to neighborhoods or places where it

00:15:36.813 --> 00:15:40.153
was like really, really bad because
I would never run into those people.

00:15:40.173 --> 00:15:42.253
That way I can keep those
two worlds separate.

00:15:43.188 --> 00:15:46.068
Man, that was a lot of work, man.

00:15:46.068 --> 00:15:47.328
That was so much work.

00:15:47.328 --> 00:15:48.088
I lied.

00:15:48.668 --> 00:15:52.458
I used to sit down sometimes
and just think up lies.

00:15:53.718 --> 00:15:58.718
I had this whole story laid out in
my mind, how I would lie in order

00:15:58.718 --> 00:16:03.138
to get money from this person or to
lie to one of my girlfriends about

00:16:03.138 --> 00:16:04.978
where I was or whatever it was.

00:16:04.988 --> 00:16:07.318
It was just this elaborate stories.

00:16:07.318 --> 00:16:10.228
I would tell to the point where
sometimes I, I would get high

00:16:10.228 --> 00:16:15.093
and I would actually believe in
myself because I'd be so out of it.

00:16:16.073 --> 00:16:21.993
But, um, like I said, that was my life
until, uh, I woke up one day in this

00:16:21.993 --> 00:16:24.803
crack house and I was in my underwear.

00:16:25.053 --> 00:16:25.963
I'll be honest with you.

00:16:26.353 --> 00:16:29.793
And I had this shirt on and I didn't
even know where the shirt came from.

00:16:30.933 --> 00:16:34.533
And there was one thing that I knew, I
knew I couldn't live my life like this

00:16:34.533 --> 00:16:38.133
anymore, but I didn't know how to stop.

00:16:39.283 --> 00:16:42.543
But I knew that I could get
my life together for a while.

00:16:42.633 --> 00:16:44.023
I could get my job back.

00:16:44.463 --> 00:16:47.943
I could get my fiancee back because
at the time I was engaged, I can

00:16:47.943 --> 00:16:50.553
even, I even knew how to repair
the relationship with my son.

00:16:50.553 --> 00:16:53.283
I knew how to do all these things
because I could talk my way into

00:16:53.293 --> 00:16:58.613
anything, but what I didn't know how
to do was how do I not end up back

00:16:58.613 --> 00:17:01.793
here again after I got everything back?

00:17:01.803 --> 00:17:02.763
Cause that was my way.

00:17:02.793 --> 00:17:03.073
I would.

00:17:03.718 --> 00:17:07.568
Talk my way back into everybody's
good graces, get my job back,

00:17:07.568 --> 00:17:08.948
save up a little bit of money.

00:17:09.208 --> 00:17:13.148
But as soon as I did that, I said,
how do I not end up here again?

00:17:13.358 --> 00:17:14.818
And I couldn't answer that question.

00:17:16.158 --> 00:17:20.878
So that's when I quit my job, gave up my
apartment and I checked myself into rehab.

00:17:21.508 --> 00:17:24.298
This was at the, um, the
adult rehabilitation center

00:17:24.298 --> 00:17:25.468
in Jacksonville, Florida.

00:17:26.278 --> 00:17:30.738
And, um, I was there for
us for a six month program.

00:17:31.958 --> 00:17:35.868
And, uh, I was pretty serious about
getting my life together at that point.

00:17:36.618 --> 00:17:38.968
That was kind of like almost
right before you met me.

00:17:38.968 --> 00:17:41.088
I think you met me when
I left that center.

00:17:41.988 --> 00:17:47.118
But two months into that center, I needed
a belt because I didn't, I, when you

00:17:47.118 --> 00:17:51.828
go there, you have nothing and you're
not supposed to steal, but I figured,

00:17:51.828 --> 00:17:53.308
you know, I need a belt for my pants.

00:17:53.308 --> 00:17:54.348
So I stole the belt.

00:17:54.388 --> 00:17:55.268
I got caught.

00:17:56.018 --> 00:17:58.868
And I remember one of the residential
advisors took me in the office

00:17:58.868 --> 00:18:00.208
and said, we have two choices.

00:18:00.208 --> 00:18:03.298
We can either kick you out of the
program for stealing, or you can

00:18:03.308 --> 00:18:04.898
start the program all over again.

00:18:06.378 --> 00:18:10.078
So I took that as God giving
me even another chance.

00:18:10.698 --> 00:18:14.598
And at that point, I didn't really
know God like I know him today.

00:18:15.788 --> 00:18:17.908
And I was just so thankful for that.

00:18:18.178 --> 00:18:19.788
Because I thought for sure I was gone.

00:18:20.238 --> 00:18:23.668
I was even thinking to myself how I was
going to be back out on the streets again.

00:18:24.658 --> 00:18:26.628
And I'm thinking to
myself, are you kidding me?

00:18:26.718 --> 00:18:28.378
I'll start the program over again.

00:18:28.378 --> 00:18:30.518
I'll stay here as long as
you need me to stay here.

00:18:31.068 --> 00:18:33.548
And I'll never steal anything
again in my entire life.

00:18:34.938 --> 00:18:36.388
So I looked at that as a blessing.

00:18:36.558 --> 00:18:39.618
A lot of guys would have just
kind of walked away as they bump

00:18:39.618 --> 00:18:41.858
this I'm not starting over again
because you got to start over.

00:18:41.858 --> 00:18:45.358
You got to take all these classes
again, but it was a blessing to me.

00:18:45.638 --> 00:18:52.008
And I was in the office talking to my
counselor, about a week later, and I

00:18:53.588 --> 00:18:57.808
remember just breaking down in front
of her and she just took me by the hand

00:18:57.808 --> 00:19:01.628
and took me to the chapel and that's
when I rededicated my life to Christ.

00:19:02.793 --> 00:19:07.483
And, uh, God became everything
in my life from that moment on.

00:19:07.993 --> 00:19:12.533
It was, it was just, I can't
even describe that feeling.

00:19:12.533 --> 00:19:14.553
I'm thinking about it now
and it's just kind of,

00:19:18.763 --> 00:19:19.203
yeah.

00:19:37.103 --> 00:19:40.553
So after that day, I mean, my, my life
really changed because I mean, I was

00:19:40.553 --> 00:19:46.543
in the center, but, and I was trying
to do the right thing, but, you know,

00:19:46.543 --> 00:19:50.463
giving your life to Christ and making him
everything in your life, it changes you.

00:19:52.653 --> 00:19:59.923
Everything became so important to me to
do the right thing, and not because of

00:19:59.923 --> 00:20:04.733
the rules and the regulations, but because
of the way he looked at me, and for what

00:20:04.733 --> 00:20:09.543
he forgave me for, because I was nothing.

00:20:11.503 --> 00:20:17.613
Anyway, uh, I remember, um, going
to this room to be by myself,

00:20:17.643 --> 00:20:21.373
just reading the Bible and just
trying to understand it and study.

00:20:23.363 --> 00:20:27.313
I remember seeing guys there and they
would steal, uh, Smoked cigarettes and

00:20:27.323 --> 00:20:32.043
do other things and you know, I didn't
pass judgment on anybody, but none

00:20:32.043 --> 00:20:36.803
of that was for me anymore I mean, I
couldn't do anything but what I thought

00:20:36.803 --> 00:20:42.673
was gonna honor God Eventually, I took
over running the dock at the Salvation

00:20:42.673 --> 00:20:46.543
Army and every guy before me that took
over running the dock would always

00:20:49.983 --> 00:20:53.683
they were always like Get tips from people
that would come, like we'd have the public

00:20:53.683 --> 00:20:57.293
that would come in during auction days
and they weren't supposed to take money.

00:20:57.383 --> 00:20:59.653
And these guys, they would
stack up all this money.

00:21:00.193 --> 00:21:03.693
And when I took over the doc, you
know, I didn't do any of that.

00:21:04.103 --> 00:21:09.343
I just, I just couldn't bring myself to
do anything that was going against what,

00:21:09.343 --> 00:21:12.473
um, you know, what God wanted me to do.

00:21:13.553 --> 00:21:14.933
You know, there's one
thing I live my life by.

00:21:14.933 --> 00:21:18.273
It's like, um, you have these
rules in society, right?

00:21:19.183 --> 00:21:20.633
And then you have God's law.

00:21:21.713 --> 00:21:25.933
So I follow the rules of society.

00:21:26.223 --> 00:21:32.853
As long as they don't go against God's
law, you know, if God says not to steal,

00:21:32.973 --> 00:21:37.783
so, you know, even though in society,
some people feel it's okay to steal,

00:21:38.423 --> 00:21:40.323
you know, I'm not going to do it.

00:21:41.758 --> 00:21:47.668
I'm not supposed to lie and, uh,
it's, it's not, it's, it's difficult

00:21:47.668 --> 00:21:50.318
to really understand because people
will think, okay, as a Christian, you

00:21:50.318 --> 00:21:54.158
know, you live by all these rules and
it's not the rules that guide me, but

00:21:54.158 --> 00:21:56.048
it's my love of Christ that guides me.

00:21:56.778 --> 00:22:00.398
It's not that I'm afraid of breaking the
rules and said, I don't want to disappoint

00:22:00.568 --> 00:22:02.768
the person that gave everything for me.

00:22:03.738 --> 00:22:08.928
That's what drives me, you know,
following the rules is just

00:22:08.928 --> 00:22:10.568
a by product of loving God.

00:22:12.098 --> 00:22:18.698
When you have a relationship with Christ,
you can't base it on anything that anybody

00:22:18.698 --> 00:22:24.148
else says or when anybody else does, it
has to be personal between you and him.

00:22:24.738 --> 00:22:26.408
Now you can have people disciple you.

00:22:26.478 --> 00:22:29.848
I've got a lot of people in my life
that I respect and that I go to advice.

00:22:29.848 --> 00:22:30.608
You're one of them.

00:22:31.078 --> 00:22:36.858
Rick Lee is another, Pastor Darrell, but I
don't place any of you guys on a pedestal.

00:22:37.228 --> 00:22:41.878
Because I realized as much as I
love and I respect so many people

00:22:41.878 --> 00:22:43.498
in this world that they are people.

00:22:44.568 --> 00:22:49.678
So, I didn't know at that
time that the Holy Spirit came

00:22:49.678 --> 00:22:51.498
inside me, but I know now.

00:22:51.788 --> 00:22:54.998
I didn't know what it was at the
time when I gave my, I, I just

00:22:54.998 --> 00:22:56.718
started crying uncontrollably.

00:22:57.078 --> 00:23:02.508
I went to the chapel, I went, I kneeled
down and uh, I remember uh, one of the

00:23:02.508 --> 00:23:06.998
um, chaplains came by and put his hand on
my shoulder and I couldn't stop shaking.

00:23:08.143 --> 00:23:14.613
And the Holy Spirit, it was convicting
me, everything in my mind was, I

00:23:14.613 --> 00:23:18.523
was thinking about all that stuff
that I had done all that horrible

00:23:18.983 --> 00:23:20.463
things that I had done in my life.

00:23:21.183 --> 00:23:28.443
And God was going to accept me back into
his family, even though I did all that.

00:23:28.583 --> 00:23:32.753
So I felt like, man, I cannot
let this person down again,

00:23:33.633 --> 00:23:34.873
but I thought that I would.

00:23:35.193 --> 00:23:41.393
And I, I didn't think I was worthy and
I think that's why I was, you know, just

00:23:41.423 --> 00:23:45.923
so grateful and so thankful and I think
that's what strengthened my relationship.

00:23:46.263 --> 00:23:50.633
It became paramount to
me not to disappoint God.

00:23:51.563 --> 00:23:54.873
That became more important to me
than anything else in the world.

00:23:55.843 --> 00:23:56.563
Anything.

00:23:57.613 --> 00:24:01.273
I can't describe how important
that was to me because I felt

00:24:01.283 --> 00:24:02.343
like I didn't deserve it.

00:24:03.813 --> 00:24:04.753
You know, who does that?

00:24:04.753 --> 00:24:09.733
Who, who, who, who takes a person
like me after all the stuff that I've

00:24:09.733 --> 00:24:11.373
done and just say, Hey, come on home.

00:24:11.513 --> 00:24:12.293
It's all good.

00:24:13.953 --> 00:24:20.393
You know, so, and, uh, It was the Holy
Spirit convicting me and then I, if

00:24:20.393 --> 00:24:23.283
I tell you that I never got tempted
again, I get tempted all the time.

00:24:23.673 --> 00:24:27.423
I think about, I still have
drug dreams is what I call them.

00:24:27.563 --> 00:24:31.943
Sometimes I'm driving in the car and I'm
thinking about doing all kinds of stuff.

00:24:32.903 --> 00:24:36.413
But before I go out and I do
anything, I think about all that God

00:24:36.423 --> 00:24:41.813
has forgiven me for and everything
that he has put in my life today.

00:24:42.723 --> 00:24:44.083
And it's not worth it to me.

00:24:44.673 --> 00:24:45.553
It's not worth it.

00:24:46.303 --> 00:24:48.913
But that was just part
of the process, Jesse.

00:24:50.138 --> 00:24:53.668
You have to have a strong relationship
with Christ and that only comes

00:24:53.668 --> 00:24:56.668
from truly connecting your heart.

00:24:57.358 --> 00:24:58.508
It's got to come from here.

00:24:58.518 --> 00:24:59.698
You can say the words.

00:24:59.698 --> 00:25:00.968
People say I'm a Christian.

00:25:01.418 --> 00:25:03.908
You can memorize the Bible.

00:25:04.568 --> 00:25:07.308
Um, I still have a hard
time memorizing scripture.

00:25:08.188 --> 00:25:14.118
But, um, I think that in
order to be a Christian, you,

00:25:14.298 --> 00:25:16.238
it has to be from the heart.

00:25:17.318 --> 00:25:17.598
Yeah.

00:25:17.598 --> 00:25:18.028
Yeah.

00:25:18.128 --> 00:25:19.918
Well, you used the word family.

00:25:20.228 --> 00:25:24.218
I mean, it was like, I don't know
if you heard yourself, but you, you

00:25:24.218 --> 00:25:26.398
said it was like finding a family.

00:25:26.398 --> 00:25:30.788
I don't remember your exact
words, but it, so you, you

00:25:32.048 --> 00:25:34.298
started to see God as your father.

00:25:34.728 --> 00:25:35.088
Yeah.

00:25:36.863 --> 00:25:38.153
It was more than like that.

00:25:38.153 --> 00:25:44.363
I mean, he was my father, my
teacher, um, my counselor.

00:25:45.773 --> 00:25:47.143
He was everything to me.

00:25:47.573 --> 00:25:51.133
I mean, saying he was my father
is a good thing to say, but it's

00:25:51.133 --> 00:25:52.573
so much more than just that.

00:25:52.843 --> 00:25:53.913
It really is.

00:25:57.258 --> 00:26:00.668
I never knew my father,
well, not really well.

00:26:01.848 --> 00:26:05.698
So, and that was one of the things that
I had to work through, but, um, God

00:26:05.698 --> 00:26:12.138
became everything to me and, uh, for
those next, uh, I think it was like

00:26:12.578 --> 00:26:14.508
four months that I was in that center.

00:26:15.458 --> 00:26:18.348
It was, uh, it was important to me.

00:26:19.988 --> 00:26:22.138
These are the things that became
important to me, not to judge.

00:26:23.848 --> 00:26:25.498
I couldn't judge anyone because.

00:26:26.598 --> 00:26:27.858
You know, God didn't judge me.

00:26:28.858 --> 00:26:29.888
He didn't care what I did.

00:26:29.888 --> 00:26:33.788
So I didn't want to be
that type of person.

00:26:34.598 --> 00:26:39.368
I, um, I wanted to honor God in everything
I did, even when I was by myself.

00:26:40.248 --> 00:26:47.508
You know, and I just really wanted
to, um, to learn more about who God

00:26:47.508 --> 00:26:49.238
was and how to spend time with him.

00:26:50.968 --> 00:26:55.008
So those things were where
I spent most of my time.

00:26:55.628 --> 00:27:00.828
And, uh, you know how they say, when
you give your life to Christ, everybody

00:27:00.868 --> 00:27:03.028
thinks, Oh, angels are coming in.

00:27:03.328 --> 00:27:04.378
Your life's going to be easy.

00:27:05.858 --> 00:27:08.828
We as Christians know that once you
give your life to Christ, that's

00:27:08.828 --> 00:27:10.228
when the devil starts looking at you.

00:27:10.228 --> 00:27:11.948
So things started getting tough for me.

00:27:11.968 --> 00:27:12.788
They really did.

00:27:13.278 --> 00:27:18.218
People who I thought was like in a
position that worked for the center

00:27:18.778 --> 00:27:22.018
that I thought I should be looking up to
were treating me in a way that I said,

00:27:22.028 --> 00:27:24.188
how can these people treat me this way?

00:27:24.188 --> 00:27:27.738
They're supposed to be role
models for me to look at.

00:27:27.758 --> 00:27:32.228
I mean, uh, this one chaplain, he
used to get up and preach in front

00:27:32.228 --> 00:27:33.448
of us and he would curse at us.

00:27:33.448 --> 00:27:39.158
He would call us a bunch of,
um, bums and you know, just

00:27:39.228 --> 00:27:40.368
all kinds of stuff like that.

00:27:40.368 --> 00:27:43.658
And I said, well, how could he say
that about, I mean, how is that going

00:27:43.678 --> 00:27:46.078
to help us to become better men?

00:27:46.078 --> 00:27:46.138
Yeah.

00:27:48.508 --> 00:27:51.108
Uh, there was this one guy
that stole the shirt from me.

00:27:51.118 --> 00:27:53.508
He was one of the RAs
that worked on floor.

00:27:53.508 --> 00:27:57.238
And when I went to his room, just to
ask for my shirt back, I got cursed out.

00:27:59.668 --> 00:28:06.058
So a little bit of the old me wanted
to come out and give him a little

00:28:06.058 --> 00:28:08.968
what for, but God stayed my hand.

00:28:09.268 --> 00:28:12.898
He stayed my hand and I ended
up just saying, okay, the shirt

00:28:12.898 --> 00:28:15.508
wasn't that important, you know.

00:28:16.013 --> 00:28:18.943
Um, and it really wasn't, you
know, but we, we get a limited

00:28:18.943 --> 00:28:20.043
amount of clothing in there.

00:28:20.043 --> 00:28:23.853
So it was, to me, it seemed like
it was important, but you know,

00:28:23.853 --> 00:28:27.473
you take that time to let the Holy
Spirit say, Hey, you know what?

00:28:27.883 --> 00:28:28.973
I'll get you another shirt.

00:28:29.023 --> 00:28:30.133
I'll get you a better shirt.

00:28:31.713 --> 00:28:35.553
So you have to, you have to really
allow the Holy Spirit to work in you

00:28:35.553 --> 00:28:37.653
because we still live in this flesh.

00:28:37.813 --> 00:28:39.253
So when something happens.

00:28:39.963 --> 00:28:41.873
The flesh wants to immediately react.

00:28:42.073 --> 00:28:42.863
I get mad.

00:28:43.013 --> 00:28:45.953
I want to immediately, you know,
hit somebody, do something.

00:28:46.353 --> 00:28:51.743
But if I take a moment and I let
the Holy Spirit rest in my soul, it

00:28:51.743 --> 00:28:53.333
helps me to think things through.

00:28:53.393 --> 00:28:56.993
And it's like, okay, well,
maybe I'll do this another way.

00:28:58.513 --> 00:29:02.183
But without the Holy Spirit
there guiding you, you'll react.

00:29:03.073 --> 00:29:06.363
And I think that's why a lot of people
just, you know, if it feels good, do it.

00:29:06.683 --> 00:29:08.513
I used to be that person.

00:29:10.853 --> 00:29:12.093
So you have to take time.

00:29:12.283 --> 00:29:15.453
You know, they say God's
time isn't like our time.

00:29:17.188 --> 00:29:21.388
Anyway, when I left the center, I
left with a guy that was, uh, you may

00:29:21.388 --> 00:29:22.848
have remembered this guy named Britt.

00:29:22.978 --> 00:29:24.038
I, I stayed with him.

00:29:24.578 --> 00:29:26.108
He offered to let me live with him.

00:29:26.108 --> 00:29:30.538
And, uh, you know, after I started living
with him, things change, you know, he

00:29:30.538 --> 00:29:33.348
started going back out doing stuff.

00:29:33.348 --> 00:29:35.418
He treated his wife really bad.

00:29:35.438 --> 00:29:38.138
I mean, he didn't even tell her
I was going to be living there.

00:29:38.138 --> 00:29:39.338
So she got mad at me.

00:29:40.728 --> 00:29:43.138
Then he wanted me to pay
him everything I had.

00:29:43.138 --> 00:29:48.323
And I told him, look, You know,
I'm not going to have much money.

00:29:48.333 --> 00:29:50.263
I have to find a job.

00:29:50.293 --> 00:29:52.643
And then after I find a job, I
want to try to get out of your

00:29:52.643 --> 00:29:53.813
house as quick as possible.

00:29:53.813 --> 00:29:56.323
So I'm going to give you what I
can, but I want to save because

00:29:56.323 --> 00:29:59.393
I figured the best thing that I
could do for you is to move out.

00:29:59.883 --> 00:30:03.203
I appreciate you helping me, but I
mean, this is you and your wife's home.

00:30:03.203 --> 00:30:05.263
I don't want to stay here forever.

00:30:06.383 --> 00:30:10.003
But, um, he made it really difficult for
me to the point where, you know, I just,

00:30:10.428 --> 00:30:16.548
Felt uncomfortable, but, um, I remember
he had let me hold his bike to ride back

00:30:16.548 --> 00:30:18.438
and forth to work and I appreciated that.

00:30:19.258 --> 00:30:21.968
And, uh, one day I was going to
get the bike to go to work and

00:30:21.968 --> 00:30:23.358
the bike was all taken apart.

00:30:24.128 --> 00:30:25.878
And he said, well, it's my bike.

00:30:26.158 --> 00:30:27.388
I needed to take it apart.

00:30:27.978 --> 00:30:29.388
And I said, well, that's okay.

00:30:29.388 --> 00:30:30.198
I get it.

00:30:30.198 --> 00:30:30.848
It's your bike.

00:30:30.848 --> 00:30:34.568
But I said, it would have been nice for
you to tell me this before, you know, it's

00:30:34.568 --> 00:30:36.278
like 15 minutes for me to get to work.

00:30:37.108 --> 00:30:38.788
So I run over to Barnabas.

00:30:39.398 --> 00:30:41.758
And I see a bike over there and
I tell the woman, I said, look,

00:30:41.758 --> 00:30:43.848
I'm on my way to work right now.

00:30:43.848 --> 00:30:46.808
Can you, uh, I'm going to, this
is gonna make me cry again.

00:30:46.808 --> 00:30:50.228
I'm sorry, but, um, can
you hold this bike for me?

00:30:50.238 --> 00:30:52.588
And I'll promise I'll come
back right after work.

00:30:52.588 --> 00:30:53.488
I said, don't sell it.

00:30:54.008 --> 00:30:55.728
I'm going to come back and buy 15 minutes.

00:30:55.728 --> 00:30:56.988
He said, where do you work?

00:30:56.988 --> 00:30:57.638
I told her I work in Abbey.

00:30:57.638 --> 00:30:58.998
He said, go ahead and take the bike.

00:31:00.808 --> 00:31:03.438
And I said, but I have,
I don't have any money.

00:31:03.438 --> 00:31:05.048
He said, just pay me when you come back.

00:31:05.998 --> 00:31:09.998
And man, Jesse, I tell you, it
was, it wasn't a great bike.

00:31:10.288 --> 00:31:11.828
It was only 15.

00:31:12.368 --> 00:31:14.738
But I felt God's hand over all of that.

00:31:15.328 --> 00:31:20.918
I mean, that bike, you know, it was,
that was everything to me at that time,

00:31:22.118 --> 00:31:30.608
because who would trust me, take a
bike, you know, I mean, because, I mean,

00:31:30.648 --> 00:31:32.228
it doesn't really mean a whole lot.

00:31:32.248 --> 00:31:35.288
But here I am some black
guy coming into your store.

00:31:35.288 --> 00:31:36.538
You never met me before.

00:31:36.538 --> 00:31:37.808
You don't know me.

00:31:38.763 --> 00:31:40.323
I tell you, hold on to a bike.

00:31:40.323 --> 00:31:42.173
I didn't even expect her
to hold on to the bike.

00:31:42.173 --> 00:31:43.573
I just thought I'd give it a try.

00:31:43.993 --> 00:31:45.773
She, she let me take the bike.

00:31:47.003 --> 00:31:47.533
And, um.

00:31:48.263 --> 00:31:53.153
It, uh, it was paramount to me to
make sure I went back and paid that.

00:31:53.153 --> 00:31:54.873
And I did, I went back
and paid for the bike.

00:31:55.353 --> 00:31:57.593
In less than a month,
I was out of his house.

00:31:57.633 --> 00:31:59.853
In less than a month after
that, I bought a car.

00:32:00.763 --> 00:32:06.063
Um, God was able to, um, just to help
me to do all those things, you know,

00:32:06.063 --> 00:32:07.863
because I couldn't do anything on my own.

00:32:09.293 --> 00:32:14.623
Um, I remember walking into the
Journey Church, uh, meeting Kim Bales,

00:32:14.763 --> 00:32:16.483
nicest person I ever met in my life.

00:32:16.483 --> 00:32:19.153
And after that, that was my home church.

00:32:20.853 --> 00:32:25.543
I hadn't met Tamara yet because I
was still trying to get back with my,

00:32:25.543 --> 00:32:31.393
uh, with my son's mother, my one, the
woman that I had left in Jacksonville.

00:32:31.433 --> 00:32:34.173
I thought for sure God was going
to repair that relationship.

00:32:34.598 --> 00:32:37.678
You know, I'd even gotten
some advice from Ben Hall and

00:32:37.958 --> 00:32:39.808
Jonathan Mark about what to do.

00:32:39.808 --> 00:32:43.908
And so I wrote her a letter and
all this stuff, but, you know,

00:32:44.148 --> 00:32:45.888
she just told me she had moved on.

00:32:46.658 --> 00:32:49.648
God just completely slammed
that door in my face.

00:32:51.298 --> 00:32:53.648
And I mean, that was
one of my whole things.

00:32:53.938 --> 00:32:57.268
And so I was kind of at a crossroads
at that time because I thought, okay.

00:32:59.128 --> 00:33:00.728
This is what I thought
was going to happen.

00:33:00.778 --> 00:33:03.888
I was going to come down here, you
know, get my life together and get

00:33:03.888 --> 00:33:07.078
back with my children's mother and
we were going to have that life that

00:33:07.098 --> 00:33:08.288
we thought we were going to have.

00:33:08.638 --> 00:33:11.948
I thought for sure that was God's
plan for me, but God had another plan.

00:33:12.938 --> 00:33:15.098
And in my mind, I said,
well, you know what?

00:33:15.368 --> 00:33:18.558
If she's not getting back to me,
what am I doing all this for?

00:33:18.718 --> 00:33:22.828
I was so close to walking
across the street where I lived.

00:33:23.638 --> 00:33:27.378
And I could just tell from the
neighborhood where to get the drugs from,

00:33:27.378 --> 00:33:31.508
you know, when you are out there in the
streets, you know, so I knew I could

00:33:31.508 --> 00:33:35.938
go and get what I wanted to get and get
high and just let my troubles go away.

00:33:36.678 --> 00:33:41.118
But instead, I went into my little
apartment, and I put on some Christian

00:33:41.128 --> 00:33:45.168
music, and it was the hardest thing in
the world Jesse I take for me to sit

00:33:45.168 --> 00:33:46.868
there and just get into that music.

00:33:47.358 --> 00:33:50.788
I don't think I really listened to
it I was just trying to drown out.

00:33:51.843 --> 00:33:55.613
The other voice in my
head, and that was hard.

00:33:55.613 --> 00:33:58.423
I spent like a week doing that.

00:33:58.663 --> 00:34:04.693
And then finally, like I said, I gave
the Holy Spirit time to work on my flesh.

00:34:04.953 --> 00:34:08.803
That took a while, because that was the
closest I came to going back out there

00:34:08.803 --> 00:34:10.483
again after giving my life to Christ.

00:34:10.483 --> 00:34:16.533
So I'm not perfect, even as a Christian,
you know, but, um, I didn't go.

00:34:16.963 --> 00:34:20.653
You know, I, I allowed him to work
on me, took some time, but it did.

00:34:21.373 --> 00:34:24.983
And then I don't know if you know,
uh, Jeanette Richo, she was, uh, she

00:34:24.983 --> 00:34:29.083
used to work at the salvation army
and I would go down, uh, donate my

00:34:29.083 --> 00:34:30.543
time when I couldn't find a job.

00:34:30.543 --> 00:34:31.823
And she said, I have this girl.

00:34:31.823 --> 00:34:35.463
I want you to meet
athletic and real smart.

00:34:35.633 --> 00:34:38.923
And my first thing I said, Oh my
God, she must look like a dog.

00:34:42.023 --> 00:34:42.793
I'm very honest.

00:34:42.843 --> 00:34:46.123
That's my first thought, but I love Janet.

00:34:46.163 --> 00:34:48.383
So I said, okay, Janet, I'll meet her.

00:34:49.933 --> 00:34:52.443
And I didn't want to, I really
didn't want to meet her.

00:34:52.683 --> 00:34:54.833
I just didn't really want to meet
anybody to be honest with you.

00:34:56.043 --> 00:34:58.783
And so then I was going to the
Germany church, but Janet, she

00:34:58.783 --> 00:34:59.933
was a pastor at her church.

00:34:59.943 --> 00:35:02.413
So I, I said, after church, I'll come by.

00:35:02.443 --> 00:35:04.973
Cause you know, their church goes long.

00:35:05.633 --> 00:35:09.533
So I went over there and I was,
my plan was to go up there, meet

00:35:09.533 --> 00:35:10.643
this girl, say, Hey, how you doing?

00:35:10.643 --> 00:35:11.223
My name is Clarence.

00:35:11.433 --> 00:35:12.073
Nice to meet you.

00:35:12.143 --> 00:35:12.713
Got to go.

00:35:12.753 --> 00:35:14.853
And I was going to be out the
door cause I had things to do.

00:35:15.823 --> 00:35:21.913
But, um, Tamara came walking up the
stairs and she looks pretty good.

00:35:21.913 --> 00:35:25.843
So I said, I'll sit and I'll
talk for a little while.

00:35:25.843 --> 00:35:32.033
And, um, We talked for over
an hour, I mean, and, uh, you

00:35:32.033 --> 00:35:33.183
know, that was, that was it.

00:35:33.233 --> 00:35:39.073
I mean, God had placed her in my life and,
you know, I, she was the type of girl that

00:35:39.173 --> 00:35:44.363
I would have never, ever been interested
in if I had met her five years prior and

00:35:44.363 --> 00:35:47.193
if she'd have met me five years prior,
she would have had nothing to do with me.

00:35:48.293 --> 00:35:49.283
She was smart.

00:35:49.353 --> 00:35:50.483
She was intelligent.

00:35:51.963 --> 00:35:55.493
And most of the women that I met
before that was smart and intelligent.

00:35:55.493 --> 00:35:58.573
I didn't want to have time with them
because to me, they were so condescending.

00:35:58.573 --> 00:36:00.853
It's like they were trying
to put me in my man's place.

00:36:01.813 --> 00:36:03.033
But Tamari never did that.

00:36:03.083 --> 00:36:07.833
I mean, she was very smart, very, very
sure of herself, but she was also kind.

00:36:08.523 --> 00:36:13.923
In a way that I never met a woman like
that before that could, that could

00:36:13.933 --> 00:36:20.073
be that way and still be, you know,
approachable and talk to, you know, most

00:36:20.073 --> 00:36:24.883
of the women I've spent my time around
where I hate to say have a fast women.

00:36:27.283 --> 00:36:33.728
So anyway, but, um, yeah, that was
a, we, um, Well, you know that story.

00:36:34.978 --> 00:36:39.158
So I know I kind of jumped all over
the place, but, um, uh, the way

00:36:39.158 --> 00:36:44.538
I was able to, um, to keep myself
off of drugs was Christ, of course.

00:36:44.968 --> 00:36:50.828
But, you know, there's this story
where this guy's in the ocean, right?

00:36:51.388 --> 00:36:55.088
And he's a Christian, he believes in
God, and a ship comes by to save him.

00:36:55.398 --> 00:36:56.528
And he said, that's okay.

00:36:57.358 --> 00:36:58.278
God's got me.

00:36:58.738 --> 00:36:59.218
Okay.

00:36:59.288 --> 00:37:00.188
So the ship goes on.

00:37:00.458 --> 00:37:02.348
Then a helicopter comes by to pick him up.

00:37:02.528 --> 00:37:03.618
He said, that's okay.

00:37:03.808 --> 00:37:04.578
God's got me.

00:37:04.578 --> 00:37:05.638
God's going to save me.

00:37:06.048 --> 00:37:07.368
So the helicopter leaves.

00:37:08.038 --> 00:37:12.018
So then an airplane drops down a
ladder and these emergency guys

00:37:12.018 --> 00:37:13.508
try to, he said, Nope, that's okay.

00:37:13.608 --> 00:37:14.248
God's got me.

00:37:14.248 --> 00:37:15.108
I got faith in God.

00:37:15.118 --> 00:37:16.068
God's going to save me.

00:37:16.668 --> 00:37:17.358
So they go.

00:37:17.398 --> 00:37:19.888
So the guy stays out there in
the ocean and he ends up dying.

00:37:20.038 --> 00:37:23.523
So he goes to heaven and he said,
God, Why didn't you save me?

00:37:23.913 --> 00:37:25.113
This guy said, well, I sent a ship.

00:37:25.113 --> 00:37:25.943
I sent a helicopter.

00:37:25.943 --> 00:37:27.843
I sent a plane, but you
didn't get on any of them.

00:37:29.463 --> 00:37:33.973
My point is that, you know, having
faith in God does not mean that we

00:37:33.973 --> 00:37:38.373
just wait for this gigantic miracle
to come and change our lives.

00:37:38.633 --> 00:37:43.123
Sometimes we got to do the work
and we have to notice when God is

00:37:43.123 --> 00:37:45.843
working in our lives, you know?

00:37:46.633 --> 00:37:47.783
So I had to do the work.

00:37:47.843 --> 00:37:51.988
I had to go to men's fraternity and
I had to deal with a lot of, issues

00:37:51.988 --> 00:37:53.058
that I didn't want to deal with.

00:37:53.288 --> 00:37:56.868
I had to face a lot of things about my
childhood that I didn't want to face.

00:37:57.568 --> 00:38:00.568
You know, I had to have a lot of
hard conversations about, you know,

00:38:01.598 --> 00:38:05.328
basically not loving, not really
liking my mother very much, about

00:38:05.328 --> 00:38:07.668
blaming my dad for leaving my mom.

00:38:08.348 --> 00:38:12.058
Um, never having a decent
male role model in my life.

00:38:12.088 --> 00:38:16.678
And my father died before I got a chance
to really confront him with anything.

00:38:16.678 --> 00:38:20.528
So then I was left like, well,
how do I even resolve this?

00:38:21.713 --> 00:38:25.723
But, you know, there are ways to do
things, even if people have passed

00:38:25.723 --> 00:38:28.783
before you get a chance to talk
to him about the things that they

00:38:28.783 --> 00:38:30.463
may have done to cause you trauma.

00:38:32.213 --> 00:38:33.323
So I wrote him a letter.

00:38:34.543 --> 00:38:37.563
I remember I always planned to
go to his grave site and have

00:38:37.563 --> 00:38:38.943
a talk with him at the grave.

00:38:38.943 --> 00:38:40.363
I never got a chance to do that.

00:38:40.363 --> 00:38:45.243
But, you know, I did have a chance to
really prey on it a lot and talk about

00:38:45.243 --> 00:38:49.003
it and realizing that these are the
things that made me into the person that

00:38:49.003 --> 00:38:52.283
I was, and it helped me to move past it.

00:38:54.308 --> 00:38:56.948
You know, to this day, me and
my mother don't have a great

00:38:56.948 --> 00:39:00.818
relationship, but I love her and I
no longer blame her for my childhood.

00:39:01.868 --> 00:39:04.968
It comes to a point in a person's
life, sometimes even as a

00:39:04.968 --> 00:39:07.988
teenager, that you have to take
responsibility for your actions.

00:39:08.108 --> 00:39:09.878
And I did a lot of things.

00:39:09.928 --> 00:39:11.418
My mother did the best she could.

00:39:11.418 --> 00:39:14.168
She had six kids and she was broke.

00:39:14.848 --> 00:39:18.268
I mean, she may have not did everything
perfect, but she did the best she could.

00:39:18.968 --> 00:39:21.608
And I had, it took me a
long time to get past that.

00:39:21.758 --> 00:39:29.138
And you know, you never going to,
you know, God's not just going to,

00:39:29.148 --> 00:39:33.838
he can, he can fix and do anything,
but it's not always going to be,

00:39:33.858 --> 00:39:37.428
you know, the Lord just waves his
hand and all your problems go away.

00:39:38.038 --> 00:39:39.658
You know, we have to get
in there and do the work.

00:39:39.658 --> 00:39:43.638
He will give you the ability and
he will put people in your life.

00:39:44.318 --> 00:39:47.788
that will help you to work through
these things, but you have to

00:39:47.788 --> 00:39:50.058
accept it and you have to do it.

00:39:51.788 --> 00:39:53.898
And, uh, Christ will never leave you.

00:39:54.018 --> 00:39:55.788
He will always be there with you.

00:39:56.658 --> 00:39:58.988
You know, he's not going to
fix every one of your problems.

00:39:59.248 --> 00:40:03.628
Not that he can't, you know, as human
beings, we have to understand that

00:40:03.648 --> 00:40:10.068
sometimes by going through things,
we come out better in the end, you

00:40:10.068 --> 00:40:13.038
know, but we have to go through it
because if we don't go through it,

00:40:13.438 --> 00:40:14.868
then we'll never learn anything.

00:40:14.898 --> 00:40:17.348
And we will remain the same selfish.

00:40:17.888 --> 00:40:18.838
People in the end.

00:40:20.518 --> 00:40:21.028
I don't know.

00:40:21.028 --> 00:40:22.528
Some people just don't really get that.

00:40:22.548 --> 00:40:25.728
It's like, I don't know how to make
diamonds, but I know when it starts

00:40:25.728 --> 00:40:27.988
out, it's not this nice, shiny thing.

00:40:27.988 --> 00:40:32.568
It has to go through a process,
you know, a painful one.

00:40:32.828 --> 00:40:33.998
Yeah, painful one.

00:40:34.608 --> 00:40:36.268
But it comes out better in the end.

00:40:36.268 --> 00:40:38.968
So you say, okay, well, well, why
do we have to go through the pain?

00:40:38.968 --> 00:40:41.008
Why can't we just come
out better in the end?

00:40:41.008 --> 00:40:43.388
Because, you know, it
just don't work that way.

00:40:44.143 --> 00:40:48.723
You don't just become a good person just
because you don't go through anything.

00:40:49.603 --> 00:40:51.143
You have to go through this thing.

00:40:52.353 --> 00:40:57.823
Um, because I don't know if
that's just the way things are.

00:41:00.143 --> 00:41:05.123
Laws of nature, you know, we're
not going to become better people

00:41:05.143 --> 00:41:06.693
unless we learn how to do it.

00:41:07.123 --> 00:41:09.873
If children are given whatever they want.

00:41:10.518 --> 00:41:13.638
Do you think that they're going
to grow up to be great people?

00:41:14.108 --> 00:41:18.018
Yeah, there's a slim chance
one in every 500 might do that.

00:41:18.018 --> 00:41:21.238
But most kids, if you just give
them whatever they want their

00:41:21.238 --> 00:41:25.198
entire life, they're going to be
selfish, self absorbed people.

00:41:25.538 --> 00:41:27.028
That's why you have to discipline them.

00:41:27.488 --> 00:41:28.448
You have to teach them.

00:41:28.728 --> 00:41:29.588
You have to learn.

00:41:30.778 --> 00:41:34.868
And, uh, you know, sometimes as human
beings, we have to go through things.

00:41:34.868 --> 00:41:38.108
And I, and I had to go through a lot
to become the person that I was today.

00:41:38.168 --> 00:41:39.668
And I'm still going through things.

00:41:40.728 --> 00:41:44.478
Um, to this day, I still
struggle with sexual immorality.

00:41:44.548 --> 00:41:48.358
Um, this, you know, with technology,
there's things on my phone

00:41:48.368 --> 00:41:51.178
that I happen to look at that
I have to turn off right away.

00:41:51.528 --> 00:41:54.038
My mind tends to wander sometimes.

00:41:54.368 --> 00:41:57.468
Maybe I might look at a
young lady a little too long.

00:41:58.038 --> 00:41:59.728
I might think something in my head.

00:42:01.143 --> 00:42:03.333
But, uh, my wife told
me this many years ago.

00:42:03.333 --> 00:42:06.883
She said, it's okay for a
bird to fly around your head.

00:42:07.233 --> 00:42:09.403
Just don't let him land and build a nest.

00:42:11.113 --> 00:42:12.273
So there ain't no nesting.

00:42:14.093 --> 00:42:15.353
She's very wise.

00:42:15.493 --> 00:42:16.193
Yes, she is.

00:42:16.743 --> 00:42:17.933
And I still struggle.

00:42:18.133 --> 00:42:22.653
So it's, it's not easy, but it's a
whole lot easier than it used to be.

00:42:24.123 --> 00:42:25.913
I rely on God for everything.

00:42:27.173 --> 00:42:30.963
You know, when I make a mistake and
I still make mistakes, I mess up.

00:42:31.583 --> 00:42:32.693
I go to him immediately.

00:42:32.693 --> 00:42:33.283
I own it.

00:42:34.363 --> 00:42:39.883
Um, where before I used to make excuses
for my mistakes, now I own my mistakes.

00:42:39.963 --> 00:42:40.903
Yes, I messed up.

00:42:40.903 --> 00:42:41.773
Yes, I did this.

00:42:42.143 --> 00:42:42.873
I'm sorry.

00:42:43.173 --> 00:42:44.603
I don't want to do this anymore.

00:42:45.223 --> 00:42:46.813
Sometimes it's as simple as that.

00:42:47.613 --> 00:42:52.033
You know, you have to turn away from those
things and, uh, learn something from it.

00:42:52.033 --> 00:42:57.223
Because if you make a mistake and you
make excuses for that mistake, well,

00:42:57.223 --> 00:42:58.643
then you'll never learn anything.

00:42:58.643 --> 00:43:01.073
And you're bound to make that
mistake over and over again.

00:43:01.523 --> 00:43:05.813
But if you own that mistake
and you take ownership of it.

00:43:06.578 --> 00:43:08.318
You realize what you did was wrong.

00:43:08.328 --> 00:43:09.538
You repent from it.

00:43:10.068 --> 00:43:13.988
You can turn away from it, and hopefully
you won't make that mistake again.

00:43:14.008 --> 00:43:18.208
And if it does, you know, you'll make
it a lot less than you did before.

00:43:18.758 --> 00:43:19.288
Mm hmm.

00:43:21.188 --> 00:43:22.698
So, and.

00:43:23.808 --> 00:43:29.738
Well, you know, when you were telling
me about how you, when you're, I think

00:43:29.738 --> 00:43:34.098
it was your first wife who said she
shut the door and she wasn't, you

00:43:34.098 --> 00:43:35.698
aren't going to have that relationship.

00:43:36.298 --> 00:43:38.848
You're, you're tempted to go back out.

00:43:38.908 --> 00:43:47.908
The fact that you forced yourself
to put yourself in your apartment

00:43:47.918 --> 00:43:53.918
and listen to Christian music and
just you toughed it out for a week.

00:43:54.168 --> 00:43:57.308
I mean, that was extraordinary.

00:43:57.308 --> 00:44:01.588
That to me, that was like,
uh, that was the Holy Spirit.

00:44:01.948 --> 00:44:04.608
I mean, that was, uh, like.

00:44:06.033 --> 00:44:10.593
When you, as you're talking now about
going through things and dealing

00:44:10.593 --> 00:44:17.653
with, uh, life the way that you do
is that, that initial thing with

00:44:17.653 --> 00:44:20.813
the, uh, resisting the drugs was.

00:44:23.063 --> 00:44:26.823
So illustrative of how you handle life.

00:44:26.823 --> 00:44:32.483
You just, you really are extraordinary
in that way, because a lot of people

00:44:32.493 --> 00:44:37.093
are caged in face of all these
difficulties, especially knowing

00:44:37.093 --> 00:44:39.663
that drugs would be a quick answer.

00:44:42.303 --> 00:44:45.653
I spent so many years
hiding what I was doing.

00:44:47.083 --> 00:44:50.813
I mean, I could, I could, I hate to
say it, but I could teach a class

00:44:50.813 --> 00:44:52.383
on how to get away with doing drugs.

00:44:52.383 --> 00:44:58.843
I used to be, I used to go to this
restaurant and I would go in the bathroom.

00:44:59.233 --> 00:45:05.103
Well, and I would, I would, I would
hit the crack and then I would.

00:45:05.738 --> 00:45:08.858
Cut the vent on and I would
blow the smoke up in the vent.

00:45:09.728 --> 00:45:13.448
I would wash my hands, wash
my face, spray on cologne.

00:45:13.478 --> 00:45:16.378
And I'd be back out there in front
of the customers waiting table.

00:45:17.258 --> 00:45:22.508
I mean, sometimes if the vent wasn't
working, I knew how to flush the toilet

00:45:22.548 --> 00:45:24.158
at the right time to blow it down.

00:45:24.188 --> 00:45:24.908
I hope I'm not teaching.

00:45:27.148 --> 00:45:30.158
But I'm saying I know ways to
get away from, but you know what?

00:45:30.498 --> 00:45:35.668
All of that doesn't mean
anything because throughout.

00:45:36.243 --> 00:45:40.363
My life after I became a Christian,
God has shown me so many times

00:45:40.363 --> 00:45:41.513
that he was there for me.

00:45:43.023 --> 00:45:45.783
There was this one incident
with Pastor Darrell, and Pastor

00:45:45.783 --> 00:45:46.923
Darrell didn't know me very well.

00:45:47.063 --> 00:45:50.093
I mean, we had just met, I don't
know, a couple of months, and you

00:45:50.093 --> 00:45:51.113
know, he's a pastor of the church.

00:45:51.113 --> 00:45:52.333
He meets a lot of people.

00:45:52.603 --> 00:45:56.453
He wanted to sell this refrigerator
that was in the back, and people

00:45:56.453 --> 00:45:57.553
were coming by to pick it up.

00:45:57.553 --> 00:46:00.843
He said, he says, look, Trans, I'm
I was helping at the food ministry.

00:46:01.103 --> 00:46:02.853
He said, these people will
come by to pick up this fridge.

00:46:02.853 --> 00:46:05.133
I think they're gonna pay about six, seven
hundred dollars, something like that.

00:46:05.133 --> 00:46:06.283
I need you to get that money for me.

00:46:06.283 --> 00:46:07.103
Just hold on to it.

00:46:07.463 --> 00:46:08.693
And then bring it by tomorrow.

00:46:08.703 --> 00:46:12.453
And I looked at him and I said,
Do you know who you're talking to?

00:46:12.563 --> 00:46:13.593
I mean, do you know me?

00:46:14.273 --> 00:46:17.343
You want me to collect six or
seven hundred dollars for you?

00:46:17.903 --> 00:46:20.133
I mean, what if it was
seven and I said it was six?

00:46:20.133 --> 00:46:21.683
Or, what if I said they didn't?

00:46:21.743 --> 00:46:24.403
I mean, why would you trust me?

00:46:24.553 --> 00:46:25.673
You don't even know me.

00:46:26.083 --> 00:46:28.263
I didn't say this, but this
was going on in my head.

00:46:28.893 --> 00:46:32.473
And so he looked at me like it was
just matter of factly like, you know,

00:46:32.473 --> 00:46:34.723
Hey, this is what I asked people to do.

00:46:35.553 --> 00:46:40.113
So it became paramount for me to get that
money to make sure I get a receipt to

00:46:40.123 --> 00:46:44.943
make sure I get it back to him, because
if he was going to take a chance and trust

00:46:44.943 --> 00:46:49.723
me so, I don't know, just so carelessly.

00:46:49.998 --> 00:46:52.068
It was no way I was going to let him down.

00:46:52.068 --> 00:46:56.268
And God kept doing stuff and
putting things in my life like that.

00:46:56.268 --> 00:46:59.728
And, you know, those are the things
that would happen in my life that

00:46:59.728 --> 00:47:02.958
would reassure me that the Holy
Spirit, God was always with me.

00:47:03.378 --> 00:47:06.878
God was, he was, he wasn't
judging me from my past.

00:47:08.198 --> 00:47:11.328
You know, I know people hear you
hit all the time when you give

00:47:11.328 --> 00:47:14.408
your life to Christ, you know,
You're no longer that person.

00:47:14.408 --> 00:47:19.298
You are reborn and you know, it
might get kind of muddled up.

00:47:19.308 --> 00:47:20.608
People say, Oh, I'm reborn.

00:47:20.608 --> 00:47:23.958
Um, they don't understand
it, but you truly are reborn.

00:47:23.958 --> 00:47:25.598
You, you are the same person.

00:47:25.608 --> 00:47:26.518
You're in the same skin.

00:47:26.538 --> 00:47:29.278
You have the same thoughts,
but you are not the same.

00:47:30.118 --> 00:47:35.308
You are not the same because, and here
is, I'm going to simplify it for anybody

00:47:35.308 --> 00:47:39.968
that's thinking about it because before
when this happened, I would do that.

00:47:40.358 --> 00:47:42.618
Now, when this happens,
I do something else.

00:47:42.618 --> 00:47:48.298
And the something else that I do is
a positive thing that honors God.

00:47:49.008 --> 00:47:50.908
And why do I do that?

00:47:51.208 --> 00:47:58.238
Because I take the time to let the Holy
Spirit guide my flesh rather than respond.

00:47:58.818 --> 00:48:00.328
Because that's what we do as human beings.

00:48:00.328 --> 00:48:01.888
We respond in the flesh.

00:48:01.938 --> 00:48:03.808
We do this, we do that, we do that.

00:48:03.808 --> 00:48:05.308
This happens, boom.

00:48:06.698 --> 00:48:09.788
The Holy Spirit, all it really
does is it gives you time.

00:48:10.083 --> 00:48:16.523
To sit back and let God guide
you and if you do that, I mean,

00:48:17.063 --> 00:48:18.803
I don't know, it's, it's really.

00:48:19.543 --> 00:48:22.883
Yeah, I don't want to let that
point go by without people.

00:48:23.948 --> 00:48:28.348
Really hearing it because you've said
it twice now, that just taking the time

00:48:28.348 --> 00:48:35.458
to pause before you react and listen
to the Holy Spirit is so, so important.

00:48:36.238 --> 00:48:40.688
I mean, I, I know because I've,
I haven't done it so many times.

00:48:41.188 --> 00:48:43.238
I have really messed up by not.

00:48:44.423 --> 00:48:49.063
Just pausing and you know, there's
another thing with, if you don't mind

00:48:49.063 --> 00:48:54.893
me taking up this time in the same
vein, you know, when we talk about

00:48:54.913 --> 00:48:59.803
anger, you know, it's so easy to get
triggered and to be angry and I've made

00:48:59.803 --> 00:49:01.773
the mistake so many times of just not.

00:49:02.338 --> 00:49:05.978
Waiting just to just, you know,
how they used to say count to 10.

00:49:07.308 --> 00:49:12.898
Well, there is a thing that I learned
the hard way is that when we get

00:49:12.898 --> 00:49:18.038
angry, there's this, this hormone
cortisol, it shoots through our body

00:49:18.038 --> 00:49:20.058
and it's the fight or flight response.

00:49:20.058 --> 00:49:26.918
But, but that hormone has a
life span of about 90 seconds.

00:49:27.848 --> 00:49:32.968
So if we could just give it some time
and let that Let that hormone get through

00:49:32.968 --> 00:49:39.528
our body, then we're less likely to
make some really stupid decisions and

00:49:39.598 --> 00:49:43.758
say some things that we're going to
regret, do some things we would regret.

00:49:45.028 --> 00:49:49.188
Man, I learned that the hard
way, but I love your point.

00:49:49.198 --> 00:49:54.148
You've made it pretty powerfully,
and I think people need to hear that.

00:49:54.148 --> 00:49:55.278
It's just pause.

00:49:55.708 --> 00:50:00.388
You know, and, and in the big book,
you know, it says cause when agitated

00:50:00.398 --> 00:50:02.368
or doubtful and ask God for help.

00:50:03.118 --> 00:50:04.798
That pause is so important.

00:50:05.568 --> 00:50:06.138
It is.

00:50:07.048 --> 00:50:09.108
Thank you for, for bringing that up.

00:50:11.618 --> 00:50:13.748
I mean, that's a bad at me and my wife.

00:50:13.748 --> 00:50:16.988
We, uh, We still argue from time to time.

00:50:19.338 --> 00:50:24.798
I gotta be honest with you, that's
probably one of the most difficult times.

00:50:26.088 --> 00:50:29.898
When I gotta, um, you really
need to pause with your wife.

00:50:30.618 --> 00:50:32.378
You don't want to say something.

00:50:34.188 --> 00:50:34.528
Yep.

00:50:34.968 --> 00:50:35.548
Yeah.

00:50:35.858 --> 00:50:36.918
I love my wife.

00:50:37.058 --> 00:50:37.898
She's great.

00:50:37.908 --> 00:50:38.838
She's intelligent.

00:50:38.838 --> 00:50:39.848
She's beautiful.

00:50:40.728 --> 00:50:44.238
But you know, we, we, we have conflict.

00:50:44.653 --> 00:50:49.103
And, um, it's that thing where it says,
uh, never go to bed on your anger.

00:50:49.153 --> 00:50:53.873
I will admit that we do honestly
try to do that, but there

00:50:53.873 --> 00:50:55.453
are some times when we fail.

00:50:57.043 --> 00:50:59.043
But, uh, I will say this.

00:50:59.043 --> 00:51:04.183
We always, even sometimes if it takes
a day, we will always come back and

00:51:04.183 --> 00:51:05.993
we, we will deal with the conflict.

00:51:07.858 --> 00:51:09.048
That's one thing I never used to do.

00:51:09.108 --> 00:51:10.238
I never dealt with conflict.

00:51:10.278 --> 00:51:12.528
If I'm mad at you, I ain't
talking to you, I ain't looking

00:51:12.528 --> 00:51:15.118
at you, I ain't, I don't know you.

00:51:16.438 --> 00:51:17.068
Right.

00:51:17.398 --> 00:51:19.988
But you have to, you have to
learn to deal with conflict.

00:51:22.238 --> 00:51:22.888
Right.

00:51:23.458 --> 00:51:26.238
Sounds like you've done
a pretty good job there.

00:51:27.638 --> 00:51:33.138
I mean, we never, I don't think we ever
get to the point where we don't get angry.

00:51:33.388 --> 00:51:34.808
We don't have conflict.

00:51:34.918 --> 00:51:41.038
It's just, we got to deal with it in a
mature way and you, thank you for bringing

00:51:41.038 --> 00:51:43.118
that up because people need to hear that.

00:51:44.248 --> 00:51:44.618
Yeah.

00:51:45.418 --> 00:51:46.318
Pray with your wife.

00:51:46.548 --> 00:51:47.488
We pray together.

00:51:47.508 --> 00:51:48.598
We pray every morning.

00:51:50.373 --> 00:51:50.953
Me too.

00:51:50.963 --> 00:51:53.823
Me and Becky play every
day, every morning.

00:51:55.123 --> 00:51:58.863
Before we leave, I go to work
and she does her thing, but

00:51:59.733 --> 00:52:01.913
constantly, uh, it's a thing.

00:52:01.913 --> 00:52:07.788
A lot of people I heard on the, uh,
Christian radio program the other

00:52:07.788 --> 00:52:14.628
day about how it's a certain large
percentage of even Christians Couples

00:52:14.628 --> 00:52:20.698
don't pray together because it's too
personal and I think yeah I mean it

00:52:20.698 --> 00:52:24.418
took us a while to get there, but
we we can't live without it now.

00:52:24.508 --> 00:52:26.758
Oh, man It's so powerful.

00:52:26.818 --> 00:52:29.628
Two or more are in agreement.

00:52:29.648 --> 00:52:31.368
We're just coming before the Lord.

00:52:32.168 --> 00:52:35.798
Man, he answers prayers
all the time for us.

00:52:35.888 --> 00:52:41.878
Just amazing how he, he comes, he
comes through in every situation.

00:52:43.058 --> 00:52:47.698
And, um, pray with your
wife and pray for your wife.

00:52:47.758 --> 00:52:49.668
And we even pray with our son.

00:52:49.888 --> 00:52:52.598
And I'm going to tell
you, 17 year old boy.

00:52:53.618 --> 00:52:55.748
It's, it's not always
easy to play with him.

00:52:55.758 --> 00:52:59.918
This one woman came into a restaurant, me
and Terrence were sitting down in there

00:52:59.938 --> 00:53:03.938
and she just, we knew her because her
son, you play basketball with Terrence.

00:53:04.548 --> 00:53:08.458
And um, I asked her about her husband
and she just started telling us about

00:53:08.468 --> 00:53:10.028
how her and her husband separated.

00:53:10.028 --> 00:53:12.568
We're going through a
divorce and all this stuff.

00:53:12.568 --> 00:53:16.108
And me and Terrence are like, my
gosh, I mean, I couldn't believe

00:53:16.108 --> 00:53:18.928
you're just telling us all
this right out here in public.

00:53:18.928 --> 00:53:21.788
So, um, I mean, I just listened.

00:53:22.608 --> 00:53:26.438
You know, I mean, we knew her, but
I mean, I just, I felt a little

00:53:26.438 --> 00:53:29.948
uncomfortable, but you know, she
wanted to pour her heart out.

00:53:29.978 --> 00:53:30.968
I was going to listen.

00:53:31.338 --> 00:53:34.278
And when she was done and she looked
like she was about ready to cry.

00:53:34.278 --> 00:53:36.198
So I grabbed her hand,
I grabbed my son's hand.

00:53:36.198 --> 00:53:37.618
I said, let's, let's pray right now.

00:53:38.258 --> 00:53:40.178
So we sat there in the
middle of the restaurant.

00:53:40.188 --> 00:53:42.913
I think we're at, um,
some, uh, what was that?

00:53:42.913 --> 00:53:45.378
Chipotle's and we just prayed for her.

00:53:46.688 --> 00:53:51.938
You know, and later on after that, she
called my wife and she was going on and on

00:53:51.948 --> 00:53:54.828
about how that was just everything to her.

00:53:54.828 --> 00:53:59.128
It picked her up and thank you for
your son and your and your husband.

00:53:59.128 --> 00:54:06.868
And you know, I don't know, I just I think
it's important to do stuff like that.

00:54:07.618 --> 00:54:11.608
You know, pray with people and it's not
so important to pray with them in public.

00:54:12.003 --> 00:54:15.903
But it's important to pray with them
when you're being urged to do it,

00:54:16.153 --> 00:54:17.793
whether you're in public or not.

00:54:19.043 --> 00:54:24.623
Bible talks about, you know, um, some
of the, I don't know, people that were

00:54:24.633 --> 00:54:26.633
praying in public just to be seen.

00:54:28.053 --> 00:54:31.353
And there's nothing wrong with
praying in public, but if that's

00:54:31.353 --> 00:54:35.113
the only reason you're doing it,
then, you know, you need to check.

00:54:35.753 --> 00:54:39.783
But what you shouldn't do is you shouldn't
shy away from praying with people.

00:54:40.283 --> 00:54:42.783
When you are urged to do it, right.

00:54:43.383 --> 00:54:45.583
And, um, I still work on that.

00:54:45.623 --> 00:54:49.393
Sometimes I get a little fool
people watching me, but you know,

00:54:49.743 --> 00:54:54.283
there are times when I will break
through that and I'll just do it.

00:54:55.883 --> 00:54:58.663
And the more you do
it, the easier it gets.

00:54:59.993 --> 00:55:04.143
Well, what I hear you saying is you're
obedient to the, to the Holy Spirit.

00:55:04.673 --> 00:55:06.183
Yeah, yeah.

00:55:06.633 --> 00:55:10.238
I try my best to be.

00:55:10.378 --> 00:55:15.788
Was there, if there was maybe one major
thing that you could share with somebody

00:55:16.548 --> 00:55:21.718
out there, a believer or non believer, one
thing that you could, you could pass on to

00:55:21.738 --> 00:55:26.528
somebody out there in the world, out there
in the future, or anybody who might just

00:55:26.528 --> 00:55:28.958
happen to stumble across this podcast?

00:55:29.838 --> 00:55:32.798
What, uh, What advice would you have?

00:55:34.488 --> 00:55:39.038
The best advice I can give to somebody
is something that I learned and it

00:55:39.038 --> 00:55:44.548
deals with trauma because I think
that word is, people try to make it

00:55:44.558 --> 00:55:46.398
more complicated than it really is.

00:55:47.488 --> 00:55:51.493
Trauma to me is anything that's
happened to you in your life that

00:55:52.203 --> 00:55:57.873
You know, has caused you to act in
a negative way and trauma could be

00:55:57.873 --> 00:56:03.393
something is could be as big as maybe
your dad walking out or maybe you were

00:56:03.403 --> 00:56:06.443
bullied as a child, but whatever it is.

00:56:06.843 --> 00:56:08.053
And I know it's hard.

00:56:09.303 --> 00:56:14.263
We have to learn to deal with that initial
trauma in our lives, whatever it is.

00:56:14.703 --> 00:56:18.173
And I think that's important I think
there's so many people deal with traumas

00:56:18.183 --> 00:56:22.373
that they don't sometimes I was dealing
with trauma that I didn't even know was.

00:56:23.338 --> 00:56:26.088
I blame my dad for things.

00:56:26.148 --> 00:56:29.028
And I didn't, I didn't even realize
that I blamed him for anything.

00:56:29.038 --> 00:56:33.738
So my one advice is to find out
what is that one thing in your life?

00:56:34.338 --> 00:56:39.148
That may cause you to be this way
if you feel like you're, you're

00:56:39.148 --> 00:56:45.668
living your life in a negative way,
because it's always trauma is always

00:56:45.688 --> 00:56:47.528
the root to our negative behavior.

00:56:47.768 --> 00:56:49.208
It's something that happened.

00:56:49.768 --> 00:56:53.478
And sometimes it's difficult to find it
but it's important to find it because

00:56:53.908 --> 00:56:56.948
if you don't find it and deal with it.

00:56:57.908 --> 00:57:02.038
Yeah, it's your life is never
going to be quite right.

00:57:02.603 --> 00:57:03.083
Right.

00:57:03.163 --> 00:57:05.133
So that's really important.

00:57:06.323 --> 00:57:06.853
Yes.

00:57:06.963 --> 00:57:09.083
I know so many people
that need to hear that.

00:57:13.903 --> 00:57:16.213
Well, anything else you want to add?

00:57:16.263 --> 00:57:20.803
Uh, I don't want to, um, touch it short.

00:57:22.303 --> 00:57:27.333
No, I mean, just love God, love
people, love God, love people.

00:57:29.433 --> 00:57:32.703
I will share one more thing because
I, I learned a lot and I like to

00:57:32.703 --> 00:57:35.883
share because things, these are
things that used to confuse me.

00:57:36.038 --> 00:57:40.198
Cause a lot about, you know,
Christianity used to confuse me.

00:57:40.958 --> 00:57:45.798
And I remember I was in this class and we
were learning how to, to hear from God.

00:57:45.808 --> 00:57:47.328
I'm like, how do you hear from God?

00:57:47.328 --> 00:57:48.568
I don't, I don't hear none.

00:57:49.088 --> 00:57:49.638
Is he talking?

00:57:52.188 --> 00:57:56.678
So he used this example,
Rick Lee used this example.

00:57:56.678 --> 00:58:02.028
And he said, um, cause I, I got a
big mouth and I talk a lot, you know?

00:58:02.508 --> 00:58:08.998
And so Rick said, if, um, if
everybody closed their eyes.

00:58:10.348 --> 00:58:14.518
People that didn't know me and I started
talking with, they know it was me

00:58:14.718 --> 00:58:16.568
and they probably wouldn't knows me.

00:58:16.958 --> 00:58:21.128
So Rick said, if I close my eyes and
Clarence started talking, I would know it

00:58:21.128 --> 00:58:22.788
was him, even though I couldn't see him.

00:58:23.688 --> 00:58:28.038
And the reason why he would know it was
me is because he spent time with me.

00:58:28.288 --> 00:58:30.018
He got used to me.

00:58:30.208 --> 00:58:31.738
He, he knows me.

00:58:31.738 --> 00:58:37.538
So even if he doesn't see me, when he
hears my voice, he recognized it was me.

00:58:38.358 --> 00:58:39.878
So he used that point to say.

00:58:40.848 --> 00:58:44.078
The reason why we don't hear from
God is because we don't know God.

00:58:44.488 --> 00:58:46.108
We don't spend time with him.

00:58:46.878 --> 00:58:51.438
But the more time we spend with God,
the more time we get to know him,

00:58:51.698 --> 00:58:56.228
then we will start to notice the
things in our lives that are from God.

00:58:57.228 --> 00:58:58.848
So how do you spend time with God?

00:58:58.848 --> 00:59:03.263
Well, One of the easiest ways to spend
time with God is in his word, read your

00:59:03.263 --> 00:59:08.323
Bible, you could spend time with God
by speaking to people that you know

00:59:08.323 --> 00:59:12.953
are following the Lord, people that
you respect, and you can go to church.

00:59:13.803 --> 00:59:18.113
So you, and then one of the most
important one is prayer, either one of

00:59:18.113 --> 00:59:21.143
those things and if you don't know how
to pray pray is just talking to God.

00:59:22.073 --> 00:59:24.133
So spend time doing those things.

00:59:24.133 --> 00:59:25.943
And at first it might seem awkward.

00:59:26.083 --> 00:59:28.403
It might seem, Oh, I
don't know what I'm doing.

00:59:28.403 --> 00:59:30.863
I don't know what I'm reading,
but keep doing it anyway.

00:59:31.463 --> 00:59:32.523
Keep doing it anyway.

00:59:32.913 --> 00:59:36.873
And eventually you'll start to
notice how God communicates with you.

00:59:38.378 --> 00:59:40.618
God communicates with
you in a lot of ways.

00:59:40.768 --> 00:59:44.058
It could be a big booming
voice, but it might not be.

00:59:45.098 --> 00:59:49.288
One time we drove our car off a
95 going like 80 miles an hour.

00:59:49.288 --> 00:59:51.628
We pulled down on Pecan Park Boulevard.

00:59:51.968 --> 00:59:55.558
And as soon as we pulled down on Pecan
Park Boulevard, we got a flat tire and

00:59:55.558 --> 00:59:56.988
I pulled over the side of the road.

00:59:58.383 --> 01:00:01.553
I got out the car, me and my wife, we
prayed and we thank God for flattened

01:00:01.553 --> 01:00:05.443
our tire because if our tire would have
gotten flat on 95, we probably wouldn't

01:00:05.443 --> 01:00:07.083
have been alive to talk about it.

01:00:07.133 --> 01:00:09.963
So that was a way that God was
communicating with me saying,

01:00:09.963 --> 01:00:11.243
Hey, look, man, I got you.

01:00:12.133 --> 01:00:16.303
And I wouldn't have noticed that now,
had I not been spending time with God,

01:00:16.303 --> 01:00:18.053
I'd be like, man, I got a flat tire.

01:00:18.323 --> 01:00:19.343
Now I gotta do this.

01:00:19.343 --> 01:00:20.013
I gotta do that.

01:00:20.243 --> 01:00:21.543
And that would have been my attitude.

01:00:21.553 --> 01:00:23.093
That would have been
most people's attitude.

01:00:23.373 --> 01:00:27.903
But my attitude was thank you,
God, for making that tire hold off.

01:00:28.208 --> 01:00:33.658
Until we got on a secondary road where we
were not going that fast because when a

01:00:33.658 --> 01:00:35.748
tire bops like that, it can go anytime.

01:00:37.488 --> 01:00:44.658
So that's an example to see that,
you know, you will hear from God

01:00:44.658 --> 01:00:46.248
and you can communicate with God.

01:00:46.248 --> 01:00:51.078
If you spend time with him, the more
time you spend with anybody, I know your

01:00:51.078 --> 01:00:52.768
voice, whether I'm looking at you or not.

01:00:53.153 --> 01:00:54.733
Because I spent time with you.

01:00:55.153 --> 01:00:56.543
I know what you sound like.

01:00:57.093 --> 01:00:58.433
I've gotten used to you.

01:00:59.313 --> 01:01:00.693
The same thing works with God.

01:01:02.083 --> 01:01:06.153
And that's one thing that used to
really confuse me when I was early

01:01:06.153 --> 01:01:09.593
in my Christian life and learning,
how do I, how do I hear from God?

01:01:10.253 --> 01:01:15.513
But um, I learned that if you spend time
with Him, just like you would anybody

01:01:15.513 --> 01:01:19.863
else, you will eventually learn to
hear the way He communicates with you.

01:01:21.313 --> 01:01:23.583
That is so, so awesome.

01:01:23.603 --> 01:01:24.393
So beautiful.

01:01:24.653 --> 01:01:30.123
Yeah, about, I guess it was maybe five
or six years ago, I saw, you know,

01:01:30.123 --> 01:01:35.423
Jesus said, and John, I think it's
1027, he says, my sheep hear my voice.

01:01:35.983 --> 01:01:41.943
I know them and they follow me and I said,
Lord, I want to learn what that means.

01:01:42.173 --> 01:01:47.713
I want to hear your voice and everything
that you just described is so true.

01:01:47.743 --> 01:01:48.813
It's just so true.

01:01:48.813 --> 01:01:50.173
You got to spend time with them.

01:01:50.173 --> 01:01:50.973
You got to listen.

01:01:51.743 --> 01:01:54.593
I mean, but I mean, it's just so awesome.

01:01:54.593 --> 01:01:56.553
Like I'll be at work and I say, I'll drop.

01:01:56.888 --> 01:02:01.088
A screw or something in the dirt
and first thing I do is I say,

01:02:01.098 --> 01:02:02.208
Holy Spirit, will you show me?

01:02:02.258 --> 01:02:03.058
Oh, thank you.

01:02:05.128 --> 01:02:09.548
You know, he answers before I
even finished, you know, asking.

01:02:10.258 --> 01:02:17.488
And sometimes I'll hear, it sounds like my
voice, I'm saying something really smart.

01:02:17.943 --> 01:02:21.833
And I'm thinking, well, I know
that's not me, but that's God.

01:02:22.443 --> 01:02:24.523
And, uh, you know, it happens.

01:02:26.023 --> 01:02:31.153
And, uh, I think people really need
to hear what you just described

01:02:31.163 --> 01:02:32.833
because it's so important.

01:02:33.913 --> 01:02:38.253
You know, I've also heard the
analogy of, you know, a marriage.

01:02:38.283 --> 01:02:39.543
You know, what if, what if I don't?

01:02:40.153 --> 01:02:41.403
Talk to my wife.

01:02:43.313 --> 01:02:46.213
I'm not going to have a
relationship if I don't talk to her.

01:02:46.213 --> 01:02:50.593
So I found that if I just talk to
him throughout the day, he's going

01:02:50.593 --> 01:02:58.813
to talk back and, uh, is so such a
intimate thing is, uh, it's hard to

01:02:58.813 --> 01:03:02.843
describe, but I know what you mean,
and I know that there's somebody out

01:03:02.843 --> 01:03:04.463
there that needed to hear that today.

01:03:07.383 --> 01:03:08.153
I hope so.

01:03:10.193 --> 01:03:16.003
God has been really great to me and,
uh, life isn't always easy, but, you

01:03:16.003 --> 01:03:19.603
know, God's always there, always there.

01:03:21.823 --> 01:03:25.783
Well, would you be willing to
pray for, uh, the people who, who

01:03:25.783 --> 01:03:27.363
are listening to this podcast?

01:03:27.373 --> 01:03:31.263
You know, think about this is what,
this is the miracle of, of modern

01:03:31.263 --> 01:03:36.493
technology, which was not even
thought of, but when, when I was born

01:03:36.493 --> 01:03:41.893
anyway, that we can do this podcast
and have it, it's going to exist.

01:03:42.433 --> 01:03:47.193
Probably for, I don't know, another
century out there until they come up with

01:03:47.193 --> 01:03:50.393
a technology that makes this one obsolete.

01:03:51.463 --> 01:03:56.103
I don't know when that'll be, but somebody
somewhere along the way of it on some

01:03:56.103 --> 01:03:59.833
part of the world, maybe even another
planet is going to hear this and they're

01:03:59.833 --> 01:04:05.093
going to be able to, to get something
out of it, according to the Holy Spirit.

01:04:05.203 --> 01:04:09.053
So, would you be willing
to pray for us today?

01:04:09.588 --> 01:04:10.328
Certainly, man.

01:04:10.838 --> 01:04:13.578
You know, they say once it's on the
internet, it's out there forever.

01:04:14.418 --> 01:04:14.698
Yeah.

01:04:14.698 --> 01:04:16.478
This prayer will be forever.

01:04:19.848 --> 01:04:24.888
Dear Father God, I'd like to thank you
first and foremost for waking me up this

01:04:24.898 --> 01:04:28.518
morning, Lord God, giving me another
breath of fresh air on this planet before

01:04:28.518 --> 01:04:30.623
spending eternity with you, Lord God.

01:04:31.783 --> 01:04:34.133
Dear Father God, I just want
to thank you, Lord God, for

01:04:34.253 --> 01:04:35.943
opening my eyes, saving my life.

01:04:35.953 --> 01:04:40.533
I thank you for all the, uh, the blessings
that you have placed in my life, most

01:04:40.533 --> 01:04:44.463
importantly, the Holy Spirit that you
have given to me to help me just to,

01:04:44.463 --> 01:04:50.653
um, to take a moment just to stop and
breathe and, and, and just to allow your

01:04:50.653 --> 01:04:52.723
ways to work through my life, Lord God.

01:04:53.313 --> 01:04:57.073
Well, God, I pray for all those people
that may be listening to this podcast

01:04:57.083 --> 01:05:02.023
and for those who hearts that it may
touch and even those whose hearts that

01:05:02.023 --> 01:05:06.823
it may not touch Lord God, I pray for
all those people, Lord God, that you

01:05:06.823 --> 01:05:11.733
will just make yourself known to them
more God, that you will walk with them

01:05:11.803 --> 01:05:17.483
as you have promised that you will help
guide them and open their ears, maybe

01:05:17.493 --> 01:05:19.653
soften their heart a little Lord God.

01:05:20.593 --> 01:05:24.973
And, uh, To just, just help them to,
uh, to see you, Lord God, as, as I

01:05:24.973 --> 01:05:29.723
see you, as so many people see you,
Lord God, help them to know that

01:05:29.723 --> 01:05:32.273
praying is a simple conversation.

01:05:32.273 --> 01:05:36.713
What I'm doing right now is just having
a conversation with you, Lord God.

01:05:36.723 --> 01:05:39.963
That's as, that's as simple
as praying is, Lord God.

01:05:40.423 --> 01:05:43.323
It doesn't have to be this
long, difficult thing.

01:05:43.863 --> 01:05:46.693
You don't have to have the
Bible memorized, Lord God.

01:05:46.713 --> 01:05:49.783
All you need to do is
to spend time with you.

01:05:50.583 --> 01:05:55.763
Um, I pray that you will help them get
some understanding, and if not, Lord

01:05:55.763 --> 01:05:59.813
God, you will keep them reading the
Bible, reaching out to you, going to

01:05:59.813 --> 01:06:03.653
church, just doing everything until
that understanding comes, Lord God.

01:06:04.453 --> 01:06:06.213
I pray for guidance in their life.

01:06:06.243 --> 01:06:08.813
I pray for you in their life, Lord God.

01:06:09.243 --> 01:06:11.143
We just thank you for so many things.

01:06:11.353 --> 01:06:14.873
The most important thing I would
like to personally thank you for,

01:06:14.873 --> 01:06:19.253
Lord, is for giving us your son
Jesus that died for our sins.

01:06:19.838 --> 01:06:20.228
Amen.

01:06:21.448 --> 01:06:22.278
Amen.

01:06:22.798 --> 01:06:24.018
Thank you so much.

01:06:24.938 --> 01:06:25.788
Well, thank you, Jesse.

01:06:25.788 --> 01:06:29.508
I appreciate the opportunity
just to sit here and have a

01:06:29.508 --> 01:06:30.718
conversation with you, man.

01:06:31.888 --> 01:06:33.248
Yeah, it's been great.

01:06:34.088 --> 01:06:36.613
I've really gotten a lot
out of it, I'm telling you.

01:06:36.613 --> 01:06:38.948
You know, I will say one more thing.

01:06:38.948 --> 01:06:41.418
I know I talk a lot, but I didn't
even mention how I met you.

01:06:42.468 --> 01:06:42.928
I'm sorry.

01:06:43.598 --> 01:06:45.188
I skipped over that entire part.

01:06:46.003 --> 01:06:47.683
I was, can I talk about AA here?

01:06:47.683 --> 01:06:48.553
Is that okay?

01:06:48.693 --> 01:06:49.203
Sure.

01:06:49.273 --> 01:06:52.163
I mean, do you just, yeah,
I want to hear your version.

01:06:52.613 --> 01:06:56.233
When I got out of the center in
Jacksonville, I'll make this short.

01:06:56.623 --> 01:07:00.753
I, it came, it was important for
me to get connected to an AA group.

01:07:00.813 --> 01:07:04.073
And I got connected to that AA group,
the one down in Million Island.

01:07:04.073 --> 01:07:05.273
And that's when I met you, Jesse.

01:07:05.273 --> 01:07:09.363
And, um, I remember I, it was really
important to me to find a sponsor.

01:07:09.728 --> 01:07:13.448
But I didn't know how to ask
anybody and you just came up to me

01:07:14.188 --> 01:07:16.388
and just offered to be my sponsor.

01:07:16.388 --> 01:07:17.998
I didn't even know that people did that.

01:07:17.998 --> 01:07:20.168
I thought we had to ask
people to be our sponsor.

01:07:20.428 --> 01:07:21.658
I didn't know the process.

01:07:21.658 --> 01:07:25.988
I didn't know what was going on, but I
just thought that was really awesome of

01:07:25.988 --> 01:07:30.968
you to take all that pressure off of me
by just asking me, can you be my sponsor?

01:07:31.538 --> 01:07:36.628
You know, and I, you, you, you just,
once again, that was God in my life.

01:07:36.628 --> 01:07:37.658
And I recognize that.

01:07:37.678 --> 01:07:43.203
And, um, I just thought you were this
wonderful, soft spoken young man and,

01:07:43.933 --> 01:07:49.803
you know, and, uh, you just seemed
always so calm and so collective

01:07:49.803 --> 01:07:53.723
and like nothing was going to rattle
you and you was just always smiling

01:07:53.723 --> 01:07:55.893
and I said, I want to be like that.

01:07:57.153 --> 01:07:58.513
I really want to be like that.

01:07:58.763 --> 01:08:01.053
I want that kind of peace in my life.

01:08:02.143 --> 01:08:04.643
And um, I like the fact that they.

01:08:05.158 --> 01:08:10.848
Everything from you was coming was Christ
based and, um, cause I know AA start was

01:08:10.848 --> 01:08:15.408
originally Christ based, but over time,
you know, in order to reach more people,

01:08:15.458 --> 01:08:20.258
it, they kind of, some groups kind of
take their Christianity aspect out of it.

01:08:21.018 --> 01:08:24.748
But the fact that you were a Christian
and that you can walk with me, became

01:08:24.758 --> 01:08:28.798
my spot, wanted to be my sponsor
that, that was, that was cool.

01:08:28.868 --> 01:08:31.038
That was everything paramount to me.

01:08:31.298 --> 01:08:32.348
And I thank you for that.

01:08:33.848 --> 01:08:36.548
It must have been the Holy
Spirit, because I don't remember.

01:08:36.548 --> 01:08:39.468
I remember.

01:08:39.468 --> 01:08:43.348
I remember we were sitting in that
front room in those chairs, those,

01:08:43.558 --> 01:08:45.928
uh, those comfortable chairs.

01:08:45.938 --> 01:08:47.088
Those were so comfortable.

01:08:47.088 --> 01:08:51.948
We were talking, like, right after
one of our first meetings there.

01:08:52.008 --> 01:08:54.528
I don't remember which one it was,
but I remember you had approached

01:08:54.528 --> 01:08:56.613
me and, uh Yeah, it was cool.

01:08:57.173 --> 01:08:59.993
Well, I had the Holy Spirit
because it's, you've been a real

01:08:59.993 --> 01:09:02.613
blessing to me and I thank you.

01:09:03.313 --> 01:09:03.643
Thank you.

01:09:03.643 --> 01:09:06.733
And I, and I thank you for taking
the time to do this because you,

01:09:06.753 --> 01:09:09.153
you, you're such a mature Christian.

01:09:09.583 --> 01:09:11.743
You probably don't think
of yourself that way.

01:09:11.903 --> 01:09:17.773
Of course you don't, because you're
too humble, but, uh, but, but there's

01:09:17.773 --> 01:09:22.153
so many people that need to hear
what you had to say and I thank you.

01:09:29.534 --> 01:09:31.754
Cailin: We hope you've been
blessed by today's story.

01:09:32.224 --> 01:09:35.934
In case you haven't noticed, there
are no advertisements on this podcast

01:09:36.304 --> 01:09:37.854
and we hope to keep it that way.

01:09:38.514 --> 01:09:42.654
So if you've heard something that you
think could help someone you know, please

01:09:42.664 --> 01:09:44.784
share it using the link in the show notes.

01:09:45.614 --> 01:09:49.964
Also, if you will give Faith and Purpose a
positive review on your podcast platform,

01:09:50.394 --> 01:09:52.064
you could help more people find it.

01:09:52.644 --> 01:09:56.704
You will probably never know how
that small effort can make a big

01:09:56.714 --> 01:09:58.304
difference in someone's life.

01:09:58.589 --> 01:10:00.269
But our Heavenly Father knows.

01:10:00.749 --> 01:10:05.599
Speaking of sharing, if you know a Jesus
follower with a story to tell, please send

01:10:05.599 --> 01:10:07.999
them a link to Faith and Purpose Podcast.

01:10:08.479 --> 01:10:10.629
It may encourage them to tell their story.

01:10:11.059 --> 01:10:12.609
That person may even be you.

01:10:13.099 --> 01:10:16.259
Our only criteria is
that Jesus be glorified.

01:10:17.019 --> 01:10:20.519
Most Christians don't share their
faith because they mistakenly think

01:10:20.529 --> 01:10:22.869
their story is not interesting enough.

01:10:23.339 --> 01:10:25.709
Or that it's self centered
to talk about themselves.

01:10:26.129 --> 01:10:29.939
Or that they are not competent
to explain the gospel correctly.

01:10:30.389 --> 01:10:31.649
But none of that is relevant.

01:10:32.039 --> 01:10:35.489
If Jesus has changed your
life, you have a story to tell.

01:10:36.399 --> 01:10:38.409
All of our stories are completely unique.

01:10:38.964 --> 01:10:43.694
No one has a story like yours, and you
may be the only one who can reach someone

01:10:43.694 --> 01:10:46.054
else through telling your experience.

01:10:46.564 --> 01:10:48.964
All of our stories are completely unique.

01:10:49.314 --> 01:10:54.064
No one has a story like yours, and you
may be the only one who can reach someone

01:10:54.064 --> 01:10:55.964
else through telling your experience.

01:10:56.384 --> 01:10:57.734
So don't be intimidated.

01:10:58.124 --> 01:11:02.424
A story is just that, a true
account of your own experience.

01:11:02.839 --> 01:11:05.549
And no one can disagree
with your experience.

01:11:06.449 --> 01:11:10.629
When we tell what Jesus has done in
our lives, we are being obedient to his

01:11:10.629 --> 01:11:14.839
command to go into all the world and
preach the gospel to every creature.

01:11:15.259 --> 01:11:19.069
It's not about theology, and it's not
about how interesting or special you are.

01:11:19.449 --> 01:11:21.309
It's all about Jesus.

01:11:21.884 --> 01:11:26.584
So when you're ready to tell how Jesus
has impacted your life, you can let Jesse

01:11:26.584 --> 01:11:29.684
know at his ministry website, jesseduke.

01:11:29.724 --> 01:11:30.044
net.

01:11:30.594 --> 01:11:33.614
There you can download guidelines
that will make it easy to

01:11:33.614 --> 01:11:35.154
prepare to tell your story.

01:11:35.684 --> 01:11:38.174
Thank you for listening today and Shalom.