Sherry Zhang committed suicide in 1989. When she died, she left behind a baby daughter and unbeknownst to her family, dozens of cassette tapes recording her innermost thoughts. Years later, Luisa, the child Sherry left behind, learns about these tapes and decides to finally get to know the mother she lost through her own words. But the more she listens, the more questions she has.
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Opening: The following series
addresses sensitive topics,
including self harm and suicide.
Listener discretion is advised.
Opening: Uneasy Tiger.
Luisa: It felt strange, like I
was talking to some alien who
just took over her body, not my
aunt. It's just so not like her
to talk so defeatedly. She
always had this, like, there's
no problem too big outlook on
life. So to see her so quiet and
and almost frail.
Margaret: Sounds like she's been
a source of stability and
strength for you. So naturally,
it's gonna be difficult seeing
someone like that in such a
vulnerable state.
Luisa: Yeah. I've never seen her
like this.
Sorry. I...
just I don't understand why
she's, we don't even know if the
tumor is cancer, but she's
already talking as if there's no
hope.
Margaret: Does that feel
reminiscent of your mother?
Luisa: I guess so. My aunt, she
actually brought up my mom at
the doctor's appointment, told
me about how my mom loved this
Chinese dish that I also loved
growing up. I think my mom has
been on her mind. When my aunt
was in the hospital after the
seizures, she was groggy, and
she kept calling me Sherry, my
mom's name. And then she said
some stuff in Mandarin, but I
didn't catch it all.
I've never heard my aunt talk
about my mom this much. She even
told me that I'm just like her
and that I have the best of her.
She's never said anything like
that to me before.
Margaret: What was it like
hearing that?
Luisa: Good, I guess. You know
what? No. It wasn't good. It's
not good.
The first time I heard someone
say that, it was Debra. And when
she said it, I was touched like,
wow. I'm like my mom. Despite
everything that happened and
spending basically my entire
life without her, I still
managed to have a piece of her
within me, ingrained in me this
whole time. But I guess I've
never really had to stop and
think about all of this, like,
really think about it. My aunt
and uncle made sure that I had a
good life, and I have.
I've never had to worry about
anything, really. I've always
had a roof over my head, food on
the table, a good education.
When I was in high school, I...
god, I was friends with this
girl, Katie, and we were in
algebra together. And one of the
supplies we needed for this
class was a graphing calculator.
And, you know, I I go home with
my school supplies list, and no
problem, we go to the store, get
my stuff, and that's that.
But then the next time I'm in
the algebra class, Katie asked
to borrow my graphing calculator
because she didn't have one yet.
Of course, I was totally okay
with sharing mine with her, but
then the same thing happens the
next class. And I'm thinking,
why won't she just get this
calculator already? Does she
need a ride to the store?
Anyway, I I didn't wanna make
her feel bad or, like, she
couldn't borrow my calculator.
I just didn't want her falling
behind in class. So I go home,
and I ask my aunt and uncle if
they can give me a ride to a
store so I can buy my friend a
graphing calculator with my
allowance. And my uncle's like,
hon, you sure about that? I'm
like, yeah, she keeps borrowing
mine. I just wanna get one for
her.
And he's like, those calculators
are a chunk of change. And I'm
like, okay, how big a chunk? And
he says, $90. And naturally, 14
year old me is like $90?!
Anyway, it finally dawned on me,
Katie didn't have a graphing
calculator because her parents
couldn't afford to buy her one.
Anyway, my auntie drives me over
to Circuit City, and she bought
the graphing calculator for
Katie. Even though I offered to
use my allowance, she insisted.
We go home, and my uncle starts
taking the calculator out of the
packaging. And I'm just like,
woah. Woah.
What are you doing? And he's
like, we're taking it out of the
package so you can hand it to
her in class and tell her that
your uncle had a spare. Don't
want her feeling embarrassed. So
I did just that. I went into
class and casually handed her
this calculator, said my uncle
said she could keep it.
We never talked about it, but I
knew she was grateful. And my
aunt and uncle never brought it
up. They never expected anything
in return because that's the
kind of people they were. That's
the kind of people I've known
them to be. My aunt, she has her
moments, but I've always felt
loved by them both because they
did.
They loved me. Despite whatever
happened between them and my
mom... They loved me. I was on a
date recently, and he asked me
about my parents. And I realized
when he asked the question, I
thought about my mother. Like,
before the tapes, if someone
asked me about my parents, I
automatically thought about my
aunt and uncle, talked about my
aunt and uncle as if they were
my parents because they were my
parents.
But now these tapes have me
thinking, like, really thinking
about things, things I don't
really wanna think about that
maybe I've been avoiding. So now
that I'm allowing myself to go
there, to really go there and
think about my mother... You
mentioned in our last session
that thing where people can,
like, separate their trauma.
Margaret: Compartmentalization.
Luisa: Yeah. Right.
That.
Margaret: Mhmm.
Luisa: I think maybe that's what
I've been doing. I've been
compartmentalizing those
thoughts.
Margaret: And what are those
thoughts?
Luisa: That my mother left me,
that she chose to leave me, and
I'll never know why. I mean,
yes, intellectually, I know why.
Things were hard. She was
clearly depressed and maybe
undiagnosed postpartum or
something, but I don't know why,
how she could do that to her
child. So now to hear someone
tell me that I'm just like my
mom feels wrong. Yeah. Maybe we
have the same humor, and our
mouths move similarly when we
talk.
But at the core of our beings,
we couldn't be more different,
because I would never do what
she did. Never. In that way, we
are very different, and I think
my mom would have wanted that.
She left me knowing that I would
go to my aunt and uncle. So I'd
like to think that I have the
best of them.
Margaret: Is it possible that
you have the best of all of
them?
Luisa: I mean, yeah, of course.
Margaret: Are you still
listening to your mother's
tapes?
Luisa: Yes.
Margaret: Pretty regularly?
Luisa: I guess so.
Margaret: You've said that
listening to these tapes have
given you a chance to get to
know your mom for the first
time.
Having listened to a number of
these tapes now, is it possible
that you've had a chance to love
your mom? I mean, deeply love
your mom for the first time?
Luisa: Yeah.
Margaret: And
possibly feel resentment towards
your mom for the first time?
Luisa: Sure.
Margaret: You've said that for
better or for worse, that these
tapes have given you a new
perspective, your mother's
perspective on everything.
Right?
Luisa: Mhmm.
Margaret: I wonder what could
happen if you gave yourself some
time between those listens to
foster your own perspective.
Luisa: You mean taking a break
from the tapes?
Margaret: I mean taking time to
process. Think of it as hitting
the pause button.
Luisa: Auntie,
uncle. Hello? Anyone here?
Auntie, uncle. Hello? That's not
ominous. What the... Auntie? Are
you in the attic?
Patti: Oh, Lulu. Come on. Join
me.
Luisa: Okay. What's up with all
the horror movie tropes?
Nothing. I'm coming. I don't
remember this doorway being so
tiny.
Patti: Oh. What?
Luisa: I just pulled a muscle.
Patti: You need to stretch.
Luisa: I stretch.
Patti: You need to stretch every
day.
Luisa: Oh, that's gonna set me
back a week.
Patti: I'll show you later how
to stretch.
Luisa: I know how to stretch.
But, yeah, show me some moves
later. What are you doing up
here?
Patti: I'm looking for a box.
Luisa: It seems that you've come
to the right place. Jeez. I
forgot we had so much junk up
here.
Patti: Not junk. Memories.
Luisa: Debatable. Can I help?
Patti: Sure.
Luisa: Is there a certain kind
of box I should be looking for?
Big, small?
Patti: Old.
Luisa: An old box. Okay.
Patti: It's I've been meaning to
Luisa: You okay?
Patti: It it's the medication.
Slows me down.
Luisa: Maybe you should slow
down. Here. Come sit.
Patti: I'm fine.
Luisa: You're not fine.
Sit down.
You need to rest.
Patti: I will rest. I have
Luisa: How about you rest now?
Here. You don't have to do
anything except sit here with me
and hold my hand. Okay?
Patti: Okay. I saw your mom last
night.
Luisa: Oh.
Patti: In my dreams. She she
keeps coming to me.
Luisa: What happens in these
dreams?
Patti: I try to talk to her, but
she doesn't talk back. Sometimes
she looks like she's going to
say something, but but then I
wake up. Lulu, there's so much I
should have told you a long time
ago.
Luisa: You can tell me now.
Patti: Me and your mom, we
didn't have the easiest lives.
My father, he always struggled.
When I was a child, he left
Shanghai to go study in the US,
and he never came back.
Luisa: Wait. But I thought you
and grandpa came to the US when
you were a teenager.
Patti: No. After my mother died,
I came to the US by myself.
Luisa: Oh.
Patti: When my father came to
the US, he met a woman, another
student. She was from Vietnam,
and they had a baby, your mom.
Your mom and I are half sisters.
Luisa: Shit. Right. So it's
possible that I have a
grandmother out there? Why
wouldn't you tell me this?
Patti: Because she wasn't a
good... when I moved to the US,
I moved in with grandpa and his
wife and your mom. It was hard
for all of us. One day, I came
home and your grandmother was
gone. She left a note saying she
was going back to Vietnam. And
my father wasn't himself ever
again. He was diagnosed with
schizophrenia.
And Sherry was so sad all the
time. But we tried our best to
take care of him. And then your
mom, she got pregnant with you.
And I was surprised, but happy,
so happy. And then you came into
the world and changed her and
changed me too.
Suddenly, Sherry wanted to go to
school and find a new job,
improve her life. Your mom would
go to school and uncle and I
would watch you. And I thought
things were good and your mom
was okay. But then one day, I
got a call at the shop. It was
your mom's friend, Debra.
Debra said she was worried. She
told me that Sherry called her,
hysterical. Then your mom told
told her that she was seeing
things and hearing things. And
then Sherry hung up the phone.
So Debra drove over to check on
her, but your mom wasn't there.
So that's why she called me. I
tried calling your mom, but she
wasn't answering the phone. She
was supposed to come pick you up
that night. So I waited by the
door.
Younger Patti: Sherry.
Sherry: Hey.
Younger Patti: How are you?
Sherry: I'm cold. Why are you
standing outside?
Younger Patti: I was worried.
Sherry: About?
Patti: That feeling Debra had, I
felt it too.
Younger Patti: Sherry, is
everything alright?
Sherry: No, I'm exhausted.
Younger Patti: It's okay if you
need some help with anything.
It's okay to ask me.
Sherry: I know. Thanks.
Younger Patti: Jim and I can
always help you with Luisa.
Sherry: Right. Thanks. Can we
talk inside?
It's freezing.
Younger Patti: I think maybe
Luisa should stay with us for a
few days.
Sherry: What? Why?
Younger Patti: Because it might
be good for you.
Sherry: Why would that be good
for me?
Younger Patti: Because you're
doing a lot, and you're probably
stressed and tired.
Sherry: Patti, what are you
talking about?
Younger Patti: Lu shouldn't be
with you when you're like this.
Sherry: When I'm like what?
Sherry: Patti, I'm just fine.
Now I would like to come in and
see my child.
Younger Patti: I don't think
that's a good idea.
Sherry: Patti, get out of my
way.
Younger Patti: No. I can't let
you come in.
Sherry: What is this?
Patti, go get my baby.
Younger Patti: No.
Sherry: Okay. Then I'll go get
her.
Younger Patti: Sherry, stop.
Sherry: Patti, get out of my
way. I swear to fucking god.
Younger Patti: No. Sherry, you
need help.
Sherry: Jim!
Jim, go get Luisa and bring her
to me.
Younger Jim: I don't think
that's a good idea, Sher.
Sherry: What?
Younger Jim: Please, just let us
help.
Sherry: You can help me by going
and getting me my child. Fuck
you both. Get out of my way.
Younger Jim: Sherry, no.
Sherry: Jim. Jim, let go of me.
Younger Jim: Sherry, please,
you're not right in the head.
Sherry: What?
Younger Patti: Don't make me
call the police.
Sherry: And tell them what? That
you're kidnapping my baby?
Younger Patti: Sherry, I know. I
know you're having
hallucinations. Debra told me.
Sherry: I see.
Younger Jim: We're just trying
to do what's best, Sher.
You have a history.
Sherry: Oh, don't I know it?
I've always been the crazy
little sister. Right, Patti? How
convenient for you both.
Younger Patti: Luisa can stay
with us until we can get you
help.
Sherry: You mean lock me up in a
loony bin? Like you tried to do
with dad?
Younger Patti: I tried to get
him help.
Sherry: The fuck you did.
Sherry: Get off me. I'm getting
Luisa.
Younger Jim: Sherry, I don't
wanna get the police involved.
Sherry: Jim, don't listen to
her. You know me.
Larry: Hey, Jim. Everything okay
over there?
Younger Jim: Yep. Everything's
fine, Larry. Thank you.
Right, Sherry? Everything's
fine. There's no need for anyone
else to get involved. Right?
Sherry: Yeah. Right.
Younger Patti: Sherry, we'll get
you help. Okay? I promise
everything will be fine.
Patti: The next day, I tried
calling her. She didn't pick up.
I kept calling, but she didn't
answer the phone for days. So I
went over to the apartment and
Patti: I found I
Patti: found her.
Luisa: You you found her?
Patti: Yes.
Luisa: What... when did you find
her?
Patti: A few days after that
night.
Luisa: How many days?
Patti: I think three days.
Luisa: Three days. She didn't
pick up
the phone for three days and
then you decide to finally go
check in on her?
Patti: I thought she wanted
space.
Luisa: You said she needed help.
Patti: Yes. But she was angry
with me.
Luisa: So you decided to give a
woman who you thought was
mentally unwell space because
she was mad at you?
Patti: Lu, where are you going?
Luisa: You know, all she ever
wanted was your support, your
approval, a sister. That's all
my mom ever wanted from you.
Patti: How do you know that?
Luisa: She was struggling, but
she would never do anything to
hurt me, and you knew that. But
you had to have control, right,
to make yourself feel better for
the mistakes your father made.
When she tried to take her life
the first time, what did you do
then? That's right. You did
nothing.
Patti: Luisa.
Luisa: Oh, I'm so tired of all
of the lies and the secrets and
the bullshit to protect me.
Patti: I was trying to protect
you.
Luisa: I have spent so many
years wondering why my mother
would rather be dead than be
here with me.
Patti: I didn't think she
would...
I'm sorry.
Luisa: Yeah. Aren't you all.
Patti: Lulu, don't go. Luisa,
please come back.
Sherry: Okay.
We're recording, Luisa. Go
ahead. Oh, now you're quiet? You
were just talking my ear off.
What?
Is the cassette recorder big and
scary? Yeah. I know. You don't
wanna be caught saying something
incriminating on the record. I
get it.
Babalu, come on. Mama wants to
record this so she can keep it
forever. Oh? I see. Can you
elaborate?
You done? No more talking? What
if I tickle you? Okay. Okay.
Mama gives up. Any parting
thoughts before I turn off the
big and scary recorder? No?
Nothing? Okay.
You want a snack? How's a banana
sound? Yeah. That sounds tasty.
Alright.
I'll get you some banana.
[singing] No. No. No. No.
Sherry: No. No. Oh, no. What's
the matter, my babalu? What?
Sherry: Mama was just in the
kitchen. That's all. You wanna
be with mama? Okay. Let's get
you out of here.
[singing] Gonna miss your love.
The minute you walk out the
door... Please don't go. Don't
go. Don't go away. Please don't
go.
Simone: Yes. Brilliant. Yep.
Love this.
Oh
god. Yep. This made me sob
uncontrollably. My assistant
will email you all this in a
PDF.
Luisa: Yeah. Great.
Simone: Yep. All just tiny
notes. Take them with a grain of
salt.
Luisa: Okey doke.
Simone: Luisa, seriously, I sat
in bed last night weeping, and
then I burst out laughing again,
and then I went some more, and
then I cackled. My husband kept
looking at me very concerned.
Luisa: Yeah.
Well, that's the experience I
want for the reader.
Simone: And you're doing it, my
friend.
Luisa: I'm glad you think so.
Simone: When people think of
Gloria, all they ever think of
is this teenage girl who
survived the Pine Street
Killings. They don't know about
this incredible nuanced life she
had that followed.
Luisa: Exactly.
Simone: The people need to know.
This woman went on a freaking
hero's journey and then some.
Luisa: Oh, yeah.
Simone: These pages are coloring
in those events vividly.
Luisa: I think so too.
Simone: You are weaving glorious
eclectic musings and ramblings
into something cohesive and
beautiful and inspiring.
Luisa: Thank you.
Simone: No.
No. Thank you. You did that. You
pulled those stories out of her.
None of the former writers on
this assignment could do that,
but you did.
Luisa: Well, I guess next time
you'll hire me first.
Simone: Without question, my
friend. Oh, one last thought for
you.
Luisa: Shoot.
Simone: This is your first
memoir. Right?
Luisa: Yes.
Simone: So all good memoirs have
an element of suspense. Right?
Luisa: Right.
Simone: Because we wanna draw in
the reader, connect with them,
yada yada yada. Right?
Luisa: Yeah. Of course.
Simone: But the most captivating
memoirs, the ones that really
stick with us long after we've
closed the book, do you know
what they offer the readers? A
revelation, a confession,
something that you only find out
if you read the book. It's like
a special gift to the reader.
Luisa: Right.
Simone: And it's that divulgence
that binds an audience to the
author.
Luisa: Right. Vulnerability.
Simone: Yes. And it's that
vulnerability that turns a
memoir into a bestseller. So as
you move forward with Gloria,
let's try to find a revelation.
Luisa: She's already been pretty
forthcoming. I think if there
was something there to tell, she
would have. She doesn't seem
like the type who hides
anything.
Simone: Luisa, trust me. We're
all hiding something. Sometimes,
we don't even realize it.
Luisa: Ain't that the truth.
Simone: Look. Just keep doing
what you're doing. You've
already done the hardest part.
You've earned her trust. And
because of that, she talks.
So keep on listening, especially
to what she's not saying.
Jim: Hey, sweetheart. I I'm
calling you know why I'm
calling. Dear, I hope you know
that I... Listen. We love you so
much. So, so much.
And I hope you know that. Please
call us back.
Trey: Oh, hallo there. I'm just
walking around Munich, and I
ended up strolling past this
garment shop. They had some
lederhosen in there. So, I did
try on a pair, and you were
right. I have legs for
lederhosen, and I'm gonna send
you the proof soon.
Anyway, I miss you a lot. Love
to FaceTime or talk whenever. I
know the time difference we can
figure out a time. Hope you're
taking care of yourself, you
know. Don't beat yourself up.
Writing comes when it comes.
Sherry: I want to be the sweet
thought that crosses your mind
and remains there, but I am not
wanted. I want to be a bird in
formation with a soaring
echelon, but I am not wanted. I
want to set fire to this
mediocre world just to see what
awaits me in the next one, but I
am not wanted. I am not wanted.
I am not wanted.
Yep. That'll do.
Funny enough, my baby girl
suddenly made me feel like I was
sane. She's sensing it too.
Along the trail, we saw this
beautiful lizard of some sort...
...kill those fucking shitheads.
Andy: I I don't know. I guess
I'm surprised or proud of
myself, I guess, that I didn't
allow myself to slip down the
rabbit hole. I think a lot of
you guys know how easily I can
get caught up. Yeah. Yeah.
Y'all know y'all know me. I just
I don't know. In that moment, I
became conscious of my heart,
like my actual heart. It was
pounding out of control, and and
it's it's as if I could hear
Terrence's voice in my head.
Terrence used to say, you know,
Andy, you've got one foot in the
grave and the other on a banana
peel.
And he he always tried to set me
straight, but I couldn't hear
about it. I don't believe in an
afterlife. I I I like the idea
of it, but if I'm being honest,
I don't believe we go anywhere
after this. But I hope I'm
wrong. I hope I'm wrong, not
just because I wanna see him
again, but because I would like
him to see the progress that
I've made, especially on days
like yesterday where I could've
let my anger overtake me.
I hope he knows that I'm
listening now. Thanks,
everybody.
Bobbi: Thank you for sharing,
Andy.
Luisa: Hi. I'm Luisa. You can
call me Lu. People call me Lu.
This is my first time coming to
one of these.
My therapist recommended this
group. I'm here because my
mother took her life when I was
very young, and my family was
super secretive and ashamed
about it, so I grew up not
really knowing much about her.
But, a few months ago, I was
given these tapes, these audio
journal tapes that my mom
recorded, which was the most
incredible gift I could have
ever received. Hearing her voice
for the first time, hearing her
laugh, hearing her hum. The
woman loved to hum. Anyway, it's
been amazing, but it's also been
hard, really hard. So much so
that I took all the tapes and
dropped them off at my best
friend's house a few days ago
because I need a break from
them, and I don't trust myself
to do that.
Probably because I've never
processed my mom's death or
learned how to. And, god, I have
no excuse. Just googling this
group alone brought up so many
resources, resources that I wish
my mom could have had. So, yeah,
I'd like to learn how to deal
with all of this even if it's
just to hear her voice again.
Credits: Babalu was created,
written, and produced by me,
Kimberly Truong.
Directed by Katharine Chen
Lerner. Sound design, editing,
and mixing by Charles Moody.
With performances by Christine
Liao, Kathleen Gray, Lee Chen,
Eileen Hsi, Adam Bozarth,
Matthew Kimbrough, Chriselle
Almeida, Circus Szalewski, Greg
Smith, Dennis Pearson, Vee
Kumari, and Kimberly Truong.
Theme music by Edith Mudge.
Additional music by Manish
Ayachit.
Studio recording by Parker
Silzer and David Stern. Artwork
by Gabi Hawkins. Logo by Alex
Bruno. A very special thank you
to Liesl Lafferty and the
Firecracker Department. Mari
Meyer, Peter Byrnes, Victoria
LaVilla, Brandon Beardsley,
Hillary and the boys, Katie
McCuen, and our incredible
Kickstarter backers.
Babalu is a production of Uneasy
Tiger. For more info or to
support this series, follow
UneasyTiger on Instagram or
TikTok or visit uneasytiger.com.
If you or someone you know is
struggling with suicidal
thoughts, please dial 988 or
visit 988lifeline.org for
resources and support.