Show Notes
I don’t know… It’s just… It’s like I just see all these people doing all these things and then I just can’t do anything and… What’s wrong with me?
[MUSIC]
Hello! I’m Cianna Stewart, founder of the
No Complaining Project.
I define complaining as expressing grief, pain, or discontent without contributing to solving the problem. Many of us complain as an unconscious habit, and it’s hurting us and the people around us in more ways that we realize.
My goal is to share tools and information to support you in changing your life and improving your relationships by shifting from complaining to taking action.
Quitting complaining seems simple, but it goes deep, and once you stop, you’ll never want to start again.
I hope you’ll join me in Going NoCo - NoCo for No Complaining. Your world will look different if you do.
[MUSIC]
Today I want to talk with you about comparisonitis.
When I was deep in the process of breaking down the root causes and different forms of complaining, I suddenly realized that nearly all complaints arose from comparing reality to something else. That led me to become more curious about the impact of making comparisons. Some are harmful, and some are useful. I’m going to be covering different angles on this topic multiple times over the course of this podcast. For today, though, I’m going to focus on one particular aspect that’s very present as we’re all trying to navigate the new social constructs brought about by this pandemic.
[BREAK]
We’re all stuck at home, separated from each other. And since we don’t have in-person gatherings, the primary way that many of us are trying to stay connected with our friends is through social media. To be clear: I am a fan of social media. I have been using Twitter since 2007 and got on Facebook the moment it expanded beyond colleges. I tend to sign up and at least try out just about every platform when it emerges. As an early Internet user, I evangelized its power to connect us all regardless of geography. I completely embrace technology and marvel at how much it’s expanded my world. I’m talking with you through a podcast. All this is amazing!
At the same time, I am also aware of the pitfalls, of all the cracks that are showing in our attempts at human interactions mediated by screens and electrons.
When we are connecting with each other in brief snippets online, we curate what we show to the world. Others are doing this, too, but we don’t think about that. Instead, we form our impression of another person’s entire life and state of mind through what they’re posting. And what we see others doing is affecting how we feel about ourselves. I think about all those early posts where people bragged that they were going to use all this free time to finally write that novel or learn a new language or go back that instrument they used to play. My feeds are still filled with photos from people who are proud of their latest handmade loaf of bread or the vegetables growing in their garden. Everyone is sharing videos that are creative, funny, inspiring, heartfelt.
And yet, when I talk with people one-on-one, I hear a different story. Early in this pandemic they were confused, scared, anxious. Some people got bored. Some got lonely. Some people lost work and others became essential. More recently, people are stressed, exhausted, angry, and, if anything, more anxious than before about how long all this is going to last.
The disconnect between the public presentation and private confessions is stark.
Yes, I know that some people have been willing to share their stories in public. And I also know that not everyone is having a hard time. But the vast majority of people are struggling in some way, and that number is growing.
Before I continue, you should know that I’m of the opinion that we are going to be dealing with this particular virus for a long time, at least for many more months, if not years. In addition to the devastating human toll, we are going to be feeling economic and social consequences that will extend beyond that future horizon when we have a vaccine and have this disease under control.
I say this because I think we all need to figure out a way to keep ourselves mentally and emotionally healthy through all this, a way to make this actually sustainable.
And we are not going to do well if we keep getting stuck in comparisons.
[BREAK]
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.” That blew my mind when I first heard it. It reminds you that when you compare yourself to someone else, it’s totally imbalanced, that you are always carrying what goes on in your mind, all your insecurities and mistakes, your unfinished projects, your failed intentions. And when you look at others, you see only what they choose to present to you, whether that’s in real life or online. You see only what they’ve selected to reveal, the completed projects, the triumphs they want to share, the memorable moments. So it’s never fair.
This is especially true when you’re comparing yourself to someone you consider “better” than you are. Or, in this current situation, someone who’s “doing shelter in place better” than you are. You’re sitting there scrolling through Facebook or Instagram or Tik Tok and you see all these creative videos and people really showing up for others, and you’re distinctly aware that you’re once again sitting there in your PJs because you have nowhere to go, and you have no creative thoughts because you’re stressed about how you’re going to pay your bills, or you’re afraid for your own health, or you’re feeling a weird combination of guilty and grateful to have work when so many others have lost their job.
These comparisons will make you judge yourself harshly. Your inner critic will start to have a hay day. It starts pointing out all your flaws and weaknesses, challenging your self-worth. No matter where this voice comes from and whether or not it’s right, it feels horrible and, left unchecked, can send you into a spiral of insecurity and self-hatred.
In normal times, when we go about our days, we encounter all kinds of people and situations that (at least hopefully) give us the sense that we’re included. We get little reassurances of belonging through brief interactions like smiles when we greet someone, get invited to an event, or even just getting casually asked to give our opinion about something. These days most of those things are gone. Smiles are covered by masks. There are no events to attend. And when you have to make an appointment for every interaction, then nothing feels truly casual.
It’s really hard to stay centered and calm when you have so little positive feedback, when the only voice commenting on how you’re doing each day is that little bully that lives inside your head. It’s easy to become unmoored, at risk of doubting whether anyone wants us around. You compare yourself to all those successful, creative people online and find yourself lacking.
You might think that you should just stop making comparisons, but it’s not that easy. Our brains automatically catalog and rank things out in the world. It’s how we make sense of the incredibly vast amount of information that comes at us every day. To survive, we have to be able to sort through friend or foe, food or poison, worth the effort or not. You’re never going to stop doing that.
So instead, we need to focus on how to manage our stress, live with the inner critic and to use comparisons in a healthy way.
[BREAK]
For me, my comparisonitis gets triggered when I see people accomplishing things that I think I should be doing. Every post just reminds me of some half-started project or a course that I stopped taking or an intention I set long ago that I failed on. I believe that I would be a better person if I were only able to wrangle my lazy self into actually completing something for once. All those other people have been able to do creative, helpful, brilliant things. What am I doing with my time? Nothing!
If this sounds at all familiar to you, let me share a couple things that have helped me.
First, the big trigger here is that comparing insides to outsides thing. I need to remind myself that they are presenting an edited view, while I’m doing a full catalog of my entire life inside my head. Also, I’m falling into a neurological trap called “mood-congruent memory bias.” Simply put, when you’re in a particular mood, then it’s easiest to recall memories that match that mood, either because you were in that mood when they happened or because they feel in sync with how you feel today. So if you’re feeling stressed, anxious, and down on yourself, then you tend to remember all the times in the past that you felt stressed, anxious, and down on yourself. This can make you feel like your entire life you’ve been a failure, which only makes your mood worse, and then you’re caught in a loop.
When this gets bad, a great technique is to start writing down things that are in direct opposition to the negative voices. In my situation, I get stuck on thinking about all the things that I think I should be doing, and start getting down on myself for not completing things. So I have to start writing down a list of things I have completed in my life. At first it’s hard because I’m digging through my memories in opposition to my mood. I write down any accomplishment or finished task, whether it’s big or small. I carry that list around and keep adding to it as things come to me. It can take hours for me to break the cycle, but eventually making the list reminds me that what my inner critic is telling me isn’t true, that I do accomplish things. Even better, each of these memories carries a good feeling because I felt successful when I finished them, and that mood starts infecting my current mood until eventually I start to feel better.
So figure out what’s the opposite of what that negative voice is telling you and start looking for evidence in your memories that the voice is wrong. Remember that at first this is going to be really hard, and you’re likely going to have to fight that feeling that the inner critic is right. But keep at it and write down little things that cast doubt on that critic until you can start to see through that fog of self-criticism.
[BREAK]
Do you ever get into that situation where you pick up your phone or go to your computer to look up one thing and then while you’re there you decide to check Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or Tik Tok or whatever and then a while later you realize you spent far more time there than you intended? That’s by design. Each of those sites is carefully crafted to hook you in and get you lost so that you spend more time there. First step to not beating yourself up about it: Recognize that they have spent millions of dollars designing these platforms to do just that: get you to forget the time so that you stay there.
So one of the things that you can do to help manage getting lost is to decide in advance how much time you want to spend there and then set a timer. Key thing is, when that timer goes off, you need to stop. If you’ve ever had to make a kid get off a game when their screen time is over, you know there’s always one more thing to do please please please… Tell yourself no. Social media time is over. Turn that off.
[BREAK]
A longer lasting solution is to start practicing mindfulness so that you start developing the skill of controlling where your thoughts go. This has been shown to have a huge impact on reducing stress. Doing a short mindfulness practice every day helps remind you that you can direct where you’re placing your focus. It helps train you in redirecting your thoughts away from the negative comparisons and towards something that is calming or helpful instead. If you haven’t done it before, then I suggest using an app like
Headspace or
Calm or
Insight Timer and doing one of their basic courses. It’s hard to start anything and do it regularly these days, but see if you can find 5-10 minutes a day to practice the skill of directing your focus so that you have it in your toolbelt when you need it.
[BREAK]
Lastly, it is possible to use comparison in a healthy way. It can be a motivator and a guide to help you improve your life. In our current situation, it might be hard to do this one because our future is so uncertain. However, I’m going to explain this so that you know about it and can use it when you’re feeling up to it.
If you catch yourself getting down on yourself or your life, keep in mind that reveals two things:
1) You want something better for yourself, and
2) You have some idea of what “better” means to you
In other words, you’re making a comparison between your current circumstances and some imagined better life. And this can be great if you use it the right way.
First, I’m going to suggest that you do something hokey. I don’t do this often, so you know it’s important. I want you to thank yourself for wanting something better for you. It may feel weird and awkward. You don’t have to tell anyone else that you’re doing it. But trust me. You have to acknowledge that you’re loving yourself enough to want something better, that you don’t want you to feel bad any more. This is how you remind yourself that you have your own back. If you are going to make a change, you’re going to need to put some effort in, and you’ll need to be your own cheerleader.
After that, start imagining that better future life in as much detail as possible. Write it out. What would you be doing in this imagined future? How does it feel to be there? What do you look like and do? Who is around you? Keep going and describe the sounds and smells and everything in as much detail as you can.
Once you’ve fully imagined this, ask yourself: What would I have to do in order to achieve that? What do I have to learn? Who do I have to meet? What do I need to start today to make this happen?
Write out these steps as well. Be specific. Don’t write “take a class.” Write “enroll in a beginning computer programming class” or “apply to CSU” or “sign up for that Monday night figure drawing course.”
If you don’t know how you’d get started, then your first step is to do the research. Break down the steps from here to there until you have a clear idea of what would be needed to make that imagined future happen, and you know the first that you’d need to do to get started.
After this, you need to make a decision: Are you willing, at this time, to do what it takes to achieve this?
If so, start.
If not, put it away. You might be shelving it for a later time, or you might just let it go completely. And then drop the comparison (and the complaints) and focus your attention on expressing gratitude for what you do have, what you have done, and the people who are in your life now.`
[MUSIC]
Thank you for choosing the podcast for the No Complaining Project.
It was written, recorded, and edited by me, Cianna Stewart.
All our music is by the multi-talented Daniel Berkman. Find him on
Bandcamp.
The transcript is in the show notes, and you can find more tips and links to my book at
GoNoCo.com. That’s G-O-N-O-C-O.com.
Thank you for giving the gift of No Complaining to yourself and to the people around you.
Until next time, Go NoCo!