WEBVTT 00:00:02.542 --> 00:00:06.181 Matt Abrahams: Your presence at times can speak louder than your words. 00:00:06.572 --> 00:00:09.602 My name is Matt Abrahams, and I teach Strategic Communication at 00:00:09.602 --> 00:00:11.432 Stanford Graduate School of Business. 00:00:11.652 --> 00:00:16.311 Welcome to this quick thinks episode of Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. 00:00:17.134 --> 00:00:20.354 Today, I'd like to walk you through best practices for helping you to 00:00:20.354 --> 00:00:24.284 make sure you convey confidence and authenticity in your communication. 00:00:24.724 --> 00:00:28.604 The goal here is not to make everyone communicate the same way, but rather 00:00:28.604 --> 00:00:32.204 to introduce you to fundamental best practices based on academic 00:00:32.204 --> 00:00:36.414 research that can inform what you do with your body and your voice. 00:00:37.094 --> 00:00:41.414 The very first thing people see about you is how you hold your body. 00:00:42.034 --> 00:00:43.524 Three rules to follow. 00:00:43.844 --> 00:00:48.373 You want to make sure that you are big, balanced, and still. 00:00:48.994 --> 00:00:53.013 What I mean by that is you want to pull your shoulder blades back 00:00:53.224 --> 00:00:55.904 so that you extend your chest. 00:00:56.134 --> 00:00:57.714 We're not pulling our elbows back. 00:00:57.734 --> 00:01:02.914 We're not puffing out our chest, but we pull our elbows down and shoulders down. 00:01:03.344 --> 00:01:05.984 Allow your hands to drop down by your side. 00:01:06.353 --> 00:01:08.204 This way, you look very big. 00:01:08.714 --> 00:01:11.713 Now, we want to make sure our head is straight as well. 00:01:12.044 --> 00:01:15.943 Many of us tilt our head or we lean when we communicate. 00:01:16.394 --> 00:01:19.144 We want to be still and balanced. 00:01:19.714 --> 00:01:22.664 To make sure we're still, we have to think about our feet. 00:01:22.983 --> 00:01:26.924 Many of us, when we stand, we stand with our feet facing out to a forty-five 00:01:26.924 --> 00:01:29.483 degree angle, like a penguin or a duck. 00:01:29.864 --> 00:01:31.724 This actually opens up our hips. 00:01:31.974 --> 00:01:37.503 If you've done any dance, yoga, or martial arts, you know that having 00:01:37.504 --> 00:01:41.163 your feet out like this makes it easy and flexible for you to move. 00:01:41.724 --> 00:01:45.484 The problem is, when you're standing up and speaking, we don't want 00:01:45.493 --> 00:01:47.633 to be swaying from side to side. 00:01:47.824 --> 00:01:49.403 It can be very distracting. 00:01:49.693 --> 00:01:53.014 For my Stanford MBA students, when they have to do a big assignment, 00:01:53.254 --> 00:01:57.404 we'll digitally record them and I make them watch the recording without 00:01:57.404 --> 00:02:02.004 sound on two X speed, and they see themselves swaying in the wind. 00:02:02.454 --> 00:02:03.443 How do we fix this? 00:02:03.864 --> 00:02:07.754 We take our feet and we make sure they're parallel underneath our shoulders. 00:02:08.144 --> 00:02:12.564 We put one foot slightly in front of the other and maybe even come 00:02:12.564 --> 00:02:14.483 up on our tiptoes and settle down. 00:02:14.494 --> 00:02:16.043 That pulls the weight forward. 00:02:16.614 --> 00:02:21.463 So with our shoulders pulled down, our arms by our side, our head straight, 00:02:21.704 --> 00:02:27.043 and our feet parallel with our weight forward, we are in the starting position 00:02:27.254 --> 00:02:29.524 for communication when you're standing. 00:02:29.914 --> 00:02:34.944 Any sport you have ever played has an initial starting stance. 00:02:35.374 --> 00:02:38.283 This is the starting stance for public speaking. 00:02:38.723 --> 00:02:42.043 If you're being introduced, if you're speaking with a team and you're 00:02:42.043 --> 00:02:45.694 standing while someone else is speaking, this is how you hold your body. 00:02:46.233 --> 00:02:49.064 Now, of course, you'll move around if you're standing. 00:02:49.464 --> 00:02:53.303 I recommend stepping in towards the beginning of a communication. 00:02:53.303 --> 00:02:55.803 So step towards your audience with a broad gesture. 00:02:56.074 --> 00:02:58.684 That makes you look very confident and welcoming. 00:02:59.134 --> 00:03:02.483 If somebody has a question or some feedback, step towards 00:03:02.483 --> 00:03:06.644 them in an open, neutral way, again, making you look confident. 00:03:07.142 --> 00:03:10.952 And when you transition from one idea to the next, physically move 00:03:10.952 --> 00:03:15.012 your body a few steps and land back into this ready position. 00:03:15.591 --> 00:03:19.012 Now, often when you communicate, you're not standing, you're seated. 00:03:19.411 --> 00:03:20.661 Same things apply. 00:03:20.682 --> 00:03:22.221 Pull your shoulder blades down. 00:03:22.672 --> 00:03:23.992 Make sure your head is straight. 00:03:24.202 --> 00:03:25.692 Keep your feet flat on the ground. 00:03:25.692 --> 00:03:28.652 A lot of us when we sit, we flex our legs a lot and bounce around. 00:03:28.661 --> 00:03:31.091 You can see that reflected in your shirt. 00:03:31.672 --> 00:03:33.541 And have your forearms on the table. 00:03:33.542 --> 00:03:35.352 We like to see people's hands. 00:03:35.732 --> 00:03:38.992 Speaking of hands, what do we do with these things? 00:03:38.992 --> 00:03:43.221 It's the number one question I get asked when I teach people nonverbal presence. 00:03:43.881 --> 00:03:47.262 I've already shared one place for them, and that's down by your side. 00:03:47.721 --> 00:03:51.191 It took me a long time, years, to be comfortable talking 00:03:51.192 --> 00:03:52.751 with my hands down by my side. 00:03:53.502 --> 00:03:56.262 For many of us, it's much more comfortable when we stand to put 00:03:56.262 --> 00:03:58.491 our hands right at our belly button. 00:03:59.172 --> 00:04:01.052 We wanna avoid being too low. 00:04:01.512 --> 00:04:04.242 This looks a little defensive, if you get what I mean. 00:04:04.582 --> 00:04:07.082 And we wanna avoid our hands being up too high. 00:04:07.422 --> 00:04:09.971 This makes us look like we're praying not to get hurt. 00:04:10.612 --> 00:04:15.001 So placing your hands right at your belly button, palm on palm, interlacing 00:04:15.012 --> 00:04:19.501 the fingers, or even lightly steepling are nice places to rest your hands. 00:04:20.111 --> 00:04:24.212 We want to avoid doing anything that's distracting or tentative with our hands. 00:04:24.502 --> 00:04:26.152 We don't want to just hold a finger. 00:04:26.542 --> 00:04:28.332 We don't wanna crack our knuckles. 00:04:28.692 --> 00:04:32.882 We want to avoid playing with rings, and we don't wanna do the heartbeat. 00:04:33.502 --> 00:04:34.882 Nice and neutral. 00:04:35.262 --> 00:04:37.852 So hands are either down by our side or right at our abdomen. 00:04:38.332 --> 00:04:43.121 When you gesture, I have just one rule, go beyond your shoulders. 00:04:43.792 --> 00:04:47.892 Many of us when we're nervous, we gesture in tight between our shoulders. 00:04:48.402 --> 00:04:51.162 How does it look if I say, "Here at our company we have a very 00:04:51.232 --> 00:04:53.091 open and embracing culture"? 00:04:53.551 --> 00:04:54.001 Really? 00:04:54.661 --> 00:04:58.792 Instead, I should say, "Here at our company we have an open and embracing 00:04:58.792 --> 00:05:02.772 culture." Just going a little bit beyond your shoulders makes you look open. 00:05:03.342 --> 00:05:07.282 I like to tell people, think of your chest as a basketball key. 00:05:07.581 --> 00:05:11.052 If you know the rules of basketball, you can be in the key for three 00:05:11.052 --> 00:05:12.722 seconds without getting a penalty. 00:05:13.012 --> 00:05:17.462 So I might say, "This is really important to all of you and me." And 00:05:17.462 --> 00:05:19.182 then I return to my neutral place. 00:05:19.751 --> 00:05:22.991 If I'm seated, I simply have my forearms on the table, and when 00:05:22.991 --> 00:05:26.332 I gesture, I gesture beyond my shoulders and my arms come back. 00:05:27.214 --> 00:05:31.454 The final thing we need to talk about is what do we do with our eye contact. 00:05:31.754 --> 00:05:35.744 We need to make sure that when we communicate, we look at the 00:05:35.764 --> 00:05:37.394 audience that we're speaking to. 00:05:38.004 --> 00:05:41.314 I am always asked, "How long should I look at somebody?" 00:05:41.674 --> 00:05:43.074 And I wish I had a good answer. 00:05:43.624 --> 00:05:45.674 Long enough, but not too long. 00:05:46.413 --> 00:05:49.114 Some people will say one idea per person. 00:05:49.704 --> 00:05:53.984 I struggle with that just because one idea might be longer 00:05:53.984 --> 00:05:55.404 for one person than another. 00:05:55.904 --> 00:06:01.024 I recommend spreading your eye contact around, but not in a patterned way. 00:06:01.484 --> 00:06:04.674 How would it look if I just kept looking across the audience like this? 00:06:05.204 --> 00:06:06.084 A little strange. 00:06:06.564 --> 00:06:10.414 So if you have a large enough audience, let's say eight or more, create 00:06:10.454 --> 00:06:12.644 quadrants of the area you're speaking in. 00:06:12.764 --> 00:06:15.504 Maybe I look in the back corner, then I'm here in the front, 00:06:15.643 --> 00:06:16.794 and then maybe over here. 00:06:17.204 --> 00:06:20.503 If it's a smaller group, certainly try to look at each person. 00:06:21.093 --> 00:06:25.954 Many of us, when we're trying to think about what comes next, we will often look 00:06:26.144 --> 00:06:32.084 up, because looking at people's faces is one of the most drawn things that we do. 00:06:32.084 --> 00:06:35.453 We're so motivated to learn about what's on people's faces. 00:06:35.904 --> 00:06:39.794 It's really hard to think and take in all that information, so it's 00:06:39.794 --> 00:06:41.734 very tempting to look up and away. 00:06:42.174 --> 00:06:48.313 Unfortunately, when I look up and away, people see me as being distant, 00:06:48.624 --> 00:06:51.193 maybe nervous, not wanting to be there. 00:06:51.813 --> 00:06:54.794 It is better to look down than look up. 00:06:55.134 --> 00:06:57.424 When I look down, I look thoughtful and pensive. 00:06:57.743 --> 00:07:00.124 When I look up, I look confused. 00:07:00.704 --> 00:07:03.563 So train yourself, if you have to take a moment, to look 00:07:03.563 --> 00:07:05.454 down, and then start again. 00:07:05.874 --> 00:07:08.844 A great way to do this is to move. 00:07:09.294 --> 00:07:12.813 Often, when we need to think about what we want to say next is during 00:07:12.864 --> 00:07:15.384 points of transition in our content. 00:07:15.823 --> 00:07:19.214 And as I mentioned earlier, a great thing to do when you're transitioning 00:07:19.214 --> 00:07:22.484 ideas is to move laterally side to side. 00:07:22.914 --> 00:07:26.324 So as I move, I might look down and walk. 00:07:26.523 --> 00:07:30.674 It's very normal to look down as you walk, so it looks completely natural. 00:07:31.470 --> 00:07:36.950 So taken together, when we work on our presence, just our physicality, what we 00:07:36.950 --> 00:07:42.150 do with our body, we can actually have a big impact on how people perceive us. 00:07:42.670 --> 00:07:44.969 Again, we want to be big, balanced, and still. 00:07:44.970 --> 00:07:48.439 Pull the shoulder blades down, have the arms to the side. 00:07:48.839 --> 00:07:51.470 Head is straight, and our feet are parallel. 00:07:51.840 --> 00:07:56.340 When we gesture, we gesture beyond our shoulders, and we come to a neutral 00:07:56.340 --> 00:08:00.000 resting place, either right in front of our abdomen or down by our side. 00:08:00.390 --> 00:08:04.030 And when we make eye contact, we look around in a non-patterned way. 00:08:04.700 --> 00:08:09.280 Taken together, these skills will help you look confident and be 00:08:09.280 --> 00:08:11.210 composed while you're communicating. 00:08:11.730 --> 00:08:14.800 The single best tool to help you with this is to digitally 00:08:14.800 --> 00:08:16.360 record yourself practicing. 00:08:16.680 --> 00:08:21.540 And when you watch, turn the volume down so you can see how you actually 00:08:21.550 --> 00:08:24.129 look and how others will perceive you. 00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:28.470 In so doing, you will begin to improve your presence. 00:08:30.420 --> 00:08:34.120 Thank you for joining us for this Quick Thinks episode of Think 00:08:34.120 --> 00:08:36.080 Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. 00:08:36.779 --> 00:08:40.690 To learn more about presence, please listen to episode 12 with Deb Gruenfeld 00:08:41.319 --> 00:08:43.630 and episode 137 with Dana Carney. 00:08:44.250 --> 00:08:49.070 This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. 00:08:49.470 --> 00:08:53.620 Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with special thanks to Podium Podcast Company. 00:08:54.060 --> 00:08:57.050 Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. 00:08:57.609 --> 00:08:59.739 Be sure to subscribe and rate us. 00:09:00.179 --> 00:09:05.850 Also follow us on LinkedIn, Instagram, and check out fastersmarter.io for deep 00:09:05.870 --> 00:09:11.359 dive learning videos, education in English learning content, and our newsletter. 00:09:11.899 --> 00:09:17.330 Please consider our Premium offering for extended Deep Thinks, AMAs, and 00:09:17.340 --> 00:09:20.340 much more at fastersmarter.io/premium. 00:09:21.030 --> 00:09:24.350 You'll also find value by joining our Think Fast, Talk Smart Learning 00:09:24.350 --> 00:09:27.310 Community at fastersmarter.io/learning. 00:09:27.760 --> 00:09:32.219 You'll find video lessons, learning quests, discussion boards, and my AI 00:09:32.269 --> 00:09:34.400 coach, along with book club opportunities. 00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:39.380 Again, that's fastersmarter.io/learning to become part of our Think Fast, 00:09:39.750 --> 00:09:41.570 Talk Smart Learning Community.