well
hello all you beautiful people
you know what time it is
[Music]
ladies and gents
guys and dolls and everyone in between
gather round
get you something real nice to sip on
and comfy to slip on
because it's time
for smut club
here's your hosts chelsea and hannah
hello hey everyone welcome to smug club
i'm hannah and i'm chelsea
and we're just gonna
jump right into it today you know that
that's really the only option when you
have a book like this one
there's there's no need for preamble no
um there is a need for a lot of wine
though
so i would i would get an alcohol if you
don't already have an alcohol it doesn't
have to be wine
sure the alcohol of your choosing um it
might it might help this journey if
you're um sober from alcohol
maybe
whatever you you choose to unwind a
glass of warm milk
at all i don't know
maybe a
a brownie or a cupcake
although
your choice of frosting
is very much up to you if you listen to
our last episode thank you very much if
you've listened to our review of
neighbors um you are really sorry you
know what we are referencing um but yeah
maybe
maybe take an edible maybe like whatever
you need to do to just like really get
in the zone for this story because
hannah what's the name of this book
it is morning glory milking farm by cm
niscosta
honestly i feel like that's review
enough
like and thank you all for letting no
i'm just kidding yeah and that that
thing that was all for smack club today
morning glory milking farm you guys
so
this book is the first in what will be a
series it is however a standalone it's
one of those where it follows one couple
for each book for the series
so the first book morning glory milking
farm in the cambric creek series
so we are let me just paint a picture
we are set in a sort of alternate
reality
where mythical creatures exist they
don't just exist they are part of like
normal western society
so we have
vampires and uh
shape shifters werewolves that kind of
things wolves
you mean wolves
i think you mean wolves hannah i said
what i said
um we have pixies and ogres and and
minotaurs and all these different kinds
of creatures
who have like
regular blue and white collar jobs
you know
and they are
somewhat there is some segregation that
we'll get into
i don't know but like it sounds like for
the most part they're just like
productive members of society yes okay
and i don't know if sam niscosta meant
this to be like a
a comment on something
frankly
whatever the comment was was lost
in all of the hugh jackman's of it all
because it's so much y'all it is so much
so
are you referring to hugh jackman the
actor or are you referring to hugh
jackman as a as a hand job as a hand job
that is also going to be our rating
system
how many hugh jackman do you give this
book is ultimately our rating system at
the end
yeah
i'm really sorry you guys so
morning glory milking farm we open with
our dear friend violet
who is um in her apartment watching a
training video for a job that she has
not yet decided if she's going to take
and in this training video she watches
this
fox shifter
um
giving a handy to a minotaur
okay
go on so that's how we open
so it apparently
training video like an instructional
video an instructional video okay
and there's a lot of detail in here
about how to handle the testicles it's a
lot of information to drink in okay i
mean if it's your full-time job you
better take that [ __ ] seriously and she
does
[Laughter]
a lot of notes are taken there's a lot
of highlighting it's a lot
it's a lot so
we learn
that violet has recently graduated from
graduate school
um as some kind of like
historian museum
[Music]
management something or other
regardless she cannot find a job in her
field
okay okay so she she went to school and
got a degree that is not furthering her
career no that alone might be the
author's political commentary it really
could be because what happens is she so
she had moved from her very small town
hometown out of her parents home
her mother apparently has a lot of
anxiety a lot of expectations it's been
a lot for our our friend violet she's
really struggling with her mother's like
hovering
so she had moved out and moved into the
big city
hoping to find a job so that she could
kind of start her own life
and she has been unable to do so in her
field so she starts looking for
literally anything
that will pay the bills
so she finds an advertisement for
something called a milking associate at
the morning glory milking farm and she's
like what the pay is amazing it's full
benefits
cambrick creek is a super cute town
i
am really excited about this
and brandon the pug is also really
excited about this yes my my pug brandon
is the most excited about it honestly
he's so excited he might go
ex it's like celebrate and process how
excited he is in his crate
which is not in this room
so that that might be coming our way
sorry buddy
so
she applies for this job and apparently
goes for
she does a couple of video interviews
and then she goes to an in-person
tour of the facility where she finds out
that a milking associate
essentially is an individual who
provides manual stimulation to minotaurs
in order to collect their sperm
so she's a minotaur fluffer
she is a minotaur fluffer
although is it is it still fluffing if
you bring them to completion i don't
think so i think the definition of
fluffer is like to prepare for the main
show
so i think if you are
if you are getting all the way to the
main show that it is not fluffing so if
she's bad at her job she's a minotaur
fluffer
yes exactly
so um she discovers that she is going to
be providing tustin jimber lakes to
minotaurs
to collect their sperm my i'm already
like i'm so excited for this full review
just to hear how many different
euphemisms hannah can use for [ __ ] we
already have hugh jackman and
tustin jimberlake
it's gonna be a lot and i would
apologize but i'm not sorry
so
so she in in the opening chapter she's
trying to decide like
do i really want to do this like
i'm essentially going to become a sex
worker like do i really want to do this
and then she realizes if she doesn't do
this she's gonna have to move home into
the basement apartment at her parents
house back into her hometown
and she's gonna have to put up with all
of that [ __ ]
and she's like you know what
i can do it
i can do it i'm going to do it so she is
taking copious notes on the proper
technique
to get these minotaurs where they need
to go she's an academic at heart she
really is she really is and she's very
passionate about her work which i can
appreciate i love someone with a good
work ethic
yes and violet if nothing else has a
good work ethic
so
she goes it's her first
her first day essentially
she's getting into all of this and um
she
is paired up with a another milking
associate who's more experienced who's
going to be training her so she's
essentially trained like shadowing this
milking associate and watching her as
she goes through the process so it's
very descriptive well and you know it's
also funny hannah and i know we've
mentioned this in a previous episode but
how we met was you trained me
on a job
neither of us
has anymore
i did do that you did yeah i did do that
to be fair i think you'd only started
like two or three weeks before me and
not a lot you pretty much
single-handedly led my training for
someone who had just started before me
so i i feel a kinship with violet here
you know um
i can only hope that i was as thorough
and supportive as her trainer was
because that's like a major point in the
book is she's a very good friend to
violet
so she coaches her through everything
teaches her the process the procedure
they have these like
like uh
it i don't remember what it's called but
it's like a
machine
so they they begin with the manual
stimulation and then when we get close
to completion they apply this thing this
machine that has suction that then
brings them in a target to completion so
she is pulling
i guess yes yeah okay and then she
collects like the the sperm is collected
in like an old-fashioned milk jug like a
glass milk jug to go along with the
milking farm
theme
so she is responsible for cleaning the
um the equipment and making sure the
room is ready doing the paperwork and
things like that but she's not actually
doing anything in terms of the actual
milking well you gotta you gotta show
what you bring to the table you gotta
like do the grunt work first right right
she is not ready to go full shandy
should we need to work up to it you know
yep
so that's three for those of you who are
playing along
so um so
about a couple of weeks go by
violet is starting to make more money
she's feeling more confident um
she's really looking forward to and this
will be important later she's really
looking forward to being able to buy
coffee at a couple of the local coffee
shops
um because that's like a luxury for her
because she has has
struggled with money for so long
so
um she's really excited about everything
but then she shows up one day and her
trainer is like hey violet it's all you
babe
like i'm going to be shadowing you now
like it's your turn this is just like
when you trained me it is it is
only with less
bull penis
like like not no bullpen but just less
you're gonna give people a really weird
perception of the job you trained me on
for the record we're both therapists we
are licensed therapists there was no
bull penis penie
penises i think that's the right one um
i've been saying syllabi a lot recently
and i i just got on that i was like
penie nope that's not right um
there there was no
bull
penises
in our training at any point yeah to be
fair there were no penis in any of the
training
[Laughter]
no penises allowed there were no
species of penis allowed in the training
that was completed anyway
although it wasn't completed was it
if there wasn't one there it was did it
did it come to completion we wouldn't
know because it was all virtual if a
tree falls in the forest
which by the way some men are clearing
trees in your yard right next to us
right now so i i can hear it
i don't know if the listeners can but i
can so if a tree falls down in my
neighborhood
yes it does make a sound it can be heard
yes
so
anyway
violet is like oh [ __ ] i was very
comfortable
just like kind of being present for this
and doing the grunt work and now i have
to actually like do it like oh god now i
have to do the grunt work she she sure
does
and there is grunting
so she has that work ethic we applaud it
damn straight
so she goes in and
so the way that the milking room is set
up
there is a platform where the minotaurs
come in
and then there is like a lower level
where the milking associate is so the
i can't believe i'm going into this much
detail about it but
so
the minotaur there's a they call it a a
a bench like a a
milking bench
where the minotaurs basically straddle
something that has a hole in the middle
so that the their their
penises come through
to the lower level
that's at like face level with okay i
was literally about to ask how high the
platform it's not like face level
with the milking associate so they're
more able to handle i'm really sorry
that i'm doing hand motions right now i
know you guys can't see it but i just
realized the hand motions i was doing
and i feel really bad about it
so
[Music]
okay so essentially there's a
in their warehouse where they do the
milking there's multiple levels and the
minotaurs
end up on they straddle a milking bench
and then put their junk eye level
with the milking associate right who
then fluffs them until they
put the machine contraption on them yes
to finish and put it in drugs yes yeah
so
she goes in for her first
client right and she's super nervous
also quick question just for my own
conceptualization of this
is there like
is the bench high enough that like
there's like not really like you're not
really talking to the minute like
there's no like conversation or like can
you like
do do they make eye contact do they
engage or is it just like is is the
thought process that each minotaur just
like comes sits on the bench there's no
eye contact no communication they just
get their hugh jackman and then
move on to the next thing and like is
that like like a conveyor belt of
minotaur dicks so it depends and we're
gonna get to that okay so i'm jumping
the gun there can be eye contact and
there can be conversation however the
milking associate is in scrubs and like
a a
face mask as we're all very familiar
with now thank you kovid
and
like a hair net situation well not hair
net but like covering thing so she's
pretty well covered
but conversation and eye contact is
uh
part part of the fluffing process
depending on the minotaur it could be
okay so she walks in and she's like like
freezes up and her trainer is like
hey so sorry for the delay we've got a
trainer taking care of you today but
she's really great like don't worry
about it and she's like thank [ __ ] for
her because oh my god like
because she
sees this minotaur up in the platform
and she's like am i into that
oh [ __ ]
and so she goes into
like what part of him was she like her
hit like his back
like his
back muscles so she sees his back
muscles and his dick and is like
am i into this and his tail i guess and
hooves
you know i forgot about the hooves i
guess minotaurs are hooved animals i
once had a friend
she went to an allergy specialist who he
told her she was only allergic to hoofed
meat options
and i'd never heard that before but it
is reminding me of this book so would
that be like cows and goats
and pit like do pigs have hoofs pigs
have hooves right
yeah i guess to be fair whenever i think
hooves i think horses but i also we
don't we don't readily eat horse
in america no no no we're not in america
so
yes
but she was a vegetarian anyways so it
didn't really make a difference
so yes i have no response anyways
minotaurs have hooves minotaurs have
hooves
so and haunches that's you know there's
a lot of description of haunches in this
book so
he gets settled
um and he's like
as the trainer is like i'm you know it's
a trainee today we'll we'll get you
taken care of quickly he's like whatever
i'm on my lunch break just hurry up
right because apparently these minotaurs
make a [ __ ] ton of money
because so i don't think i've explained
the reason why they're collecting
minotaur sperm
who needs a reason there's just a
factory for minotaur sperm
so
apparently somehow somewhere someone
discovered that minotaur sperm is a very
helpful ingredient for human male
erectile dysfunction and so it is used
in the little blue pills for
human men to get it up
and
i mean honestly here's my thought how
did they discover this
i've thought a lot i know that's
probably not in the book but in my head
i'm like
i'm really curious about their
scientific discovery for
was it just like a bestiality
relationship sure that like then
as the human was going down on the
minotaur
he
got himself up sure and then he was like
whoa
minotaur sperm we should all try it
i'm really creating this narrative here
but i i do have questions around
this scientific discovery
so i have thought a lot about it because
it's very clearly not like like a madame
curie or isaac newton or any of the
above situation it's not a penicillin
it's not the discovery of penicillin
where somebody just forgot to wash the
the petri dishes and came in and was
like what like that clearly is not how
we got there so i'm very comfortable
with the idea that it was like
a a man going down on a minotaur and
being like what like that's pretty
here's the thing i'm just gonna say i
think i'm more comfortable with that
thought than like how we discovered cow
milk was drinkable
yes like yeah i do have a lot of
questions about that just like in our
actual world as well like
at what point was someone was like this
looks like was it like this looks fun i
should squeeze this and then they're
like i should drink it too like how did
we get to a point in life where we were
like we should
be squeezing that part of a cow
i feel the same way about lobster like
who got hungry enough to eat a giant sea
bug
like whoa you know i never thought of
that or an or an oyster or a clam like
oh and i i love seafood so that's not
even the issue but like how hungry do
you have to be i think
in the olden days i don't know how long
ago the olden days were but i feel like
there was like a lot of trial and error
with food because here's the thing like
like mushrooms honestly i'm mushrooms
have a weird texture i don't really [ __ ]
with them i love mushrooms well and i'm
glad someone does i i can't bring myself
to like them i've tried so hard
but like
some must like mushrooms are delicious
some mushrooms will
give you like these psychedelic effects
some will kill you instantly and like
there's so much trial and error in
figuring out
which is the correct mushroom form
we are really getting on this tangent so
let's just we're gonna bring it back in
we're gonna come back regardless of how
it was discovered the point is that
it is
our sperm goes into
viagra
essentially yes
in this like alternate universe
so so she goes in she's very nervous
this minotaur she finds very attractive
she doesn't even really see his face so
much she sees like his his back through
his dress shirt because he's apparently
a businessman and she's like that's
pretty hot
and then he gets he can't be that good
of a businessman if he needs to make a
dish so that is addressed okay that is
addressed apparently they make so much
money from these deposits that a lot of
them almost live off of that and then
work full-time and just like save
oh yeah i love their entrepreneurial
spirits right i'm super i'm i'm very
proud of them
so
basically it's addressed in the book
that pretty much every male minotaur
does this period end of discussion like
it's just expected that that's what
happens that's what they do
so
he gets onto the breeding bench as it is
called
and she
she lubes up there's a very large
obviously thing of lube available
and she starts
like giving him the full steak and shake
and he is
four for those counting at home that was
the fourth hand job euphemism
so
yes
and she's like this is super hot like i
have not been turned on by watching this
before when my trainer was doing it so i
don't know what is happening but
i'm super into it
so she's giving him a handy
and it's very descriptive it is very
descriptive
of of all of it and he is not
circumcised and it's just a lot to deal
with are mennonites normally circumcised
i don't know i'm not familiar enough
with minotaur culture to comment on okay
so that that's not something addressed
in the book it is not addressed in the
book
so
she's like
what
i really like this and then he starts so
he
there are different
classifications of minotaur that come in
that the milking associates have and i
won't describe those later but he is one
that is basically the like
quick one-and-done like not here for a
good time just here to make some money
kind of situation
so normally they are very
that that type is very uh
stoic and just like pounds it out and is
good to go but he starts like making
sound and like doing all this and she's
like
[Music]
getting more and more aroused by all of
this and i think at one point she says
between him and me i'm going to float
out of here
which
and once again she's really just seeing
his back like and his penis and his
penis
i imagine it had to be a beautiful penis
for this level of reaction sure but like
he's making some sounds and moans and
whimpers that like let us know he's into
it but like we know nothing about him or
his face and like it's not like they are
having any conversations not really
except that he says that i'm on my lunch
break like let's hurry the [ __ ] up
basically so she is doing her thing and
she's like i think i might be good at
this actually
and um he starts to
get closer to completion
and so she attaches the machine
and then she's like well in the video
she like played with his balls so i
should do that because they did it in
the video and i took notes about that
so she is an academic at heart she is
and she's very much a perfectionist and
so she is going to be
the best [ __ ] hand job performer
of all time listen if there is a rubric
for being a milking associate she is
shooting for perfect scores on whatever
that metric is i feel like we're looking
at milk jugs for the
uh not not hugh jackman for our ratings
milk drops milk jugs maybe we'll do a
little bit of both we'll just have to
see how it feels
so
so she does she plays with his balls he
makes a lot of sound
and he
he comes into the milk jug
and
she's like holy [ __ ] that was super hot
like that should not have been hot like
he's just a client like that's really
weird that's never happened before oh my
god right is hipaa involved here
i mean they do a lot to
respect the minotaur's privacy they do
because i guess technically it is a
medical procedure however hipaa is not
directly addressed in the book
there's never a release of information
signed no no you got it so
she walks out and she's like god damn
and then she carries on with her day and
that doesn't happen again like she
continues to
provide the nantucket handshake to
the rest of her clients but it does not
happen again that she becomes fully
aroused by that
yeah so it was only the one minotaur who
arrived just the one it was just the one
so then at the end of the day she goes
out to the front desk and apparently the
minotaurs can tip if they're like super
into
whatever happened but but the milking
associates don't know who left what tip
it's all anonymous
but in one of her little tip envelopes
she gets like a crisp hundred dollar
bill and she's like i know who this was
from okay
i mean
if it wasn't from him i'd have more
questions
okay
so
she starts to get more comfortable with
her job she's getting into it and then
and i pulled this up so i could make
sure that i told you correctly
so there are several different types of
minotaurs that come to this
milking farm
and um
they're so i'm going to go through them
we have the earners
so the earners are the one that ones
that can account for essentially like
every drop that's a direct quote i'm
really sorry that i said that
um
so
they are fully aware of all of their
output they make very good money from
this for some of the for some of them
this is their primary income
stream so they are the earners
um
i'm really sorry
their primary income stream
god damn it
so sorry so the next is the pop and go
[Laughter]
that's what it says it's right there it
says poppy i don't doubt it but if y'all
i'm about listen hannah's doing this i
need more wine you're gonna hear me pour
more wine and i apologize it will pick
up the sound but like i feel like i need
more wine for this experience and if
there was ever
ever an episode that should have been
like sponsored by bota box but wasn't
it's this one and it would be
way cooler if it were
right like hey buddha box
you you really keep us going through
this and you don't sponsor us but we'd
love it if you did yeah
because if there's anything that's rip
right rich and smooth
it's this minotaur's dick
it's the minotaur sperm thank you
the pilot would agree i was so sorry
recommendation like i'm really sorry on
like deeply
also we apologize buddha box we are not
comparing you in any way you're not
comparing your argentina dark malbec to
minotaur sperm it's delicious and i've
never had minotaurs
i did see on tick tock the other day
stop i don't even know where this is
going a semen mixology book
a semen mix shut your mouth when you're
talking to me that is not a thing
it was no it was a thing and he showed
it and he went over some of the listen i
know there's great protein in it but
like put that [ __ ] in my smoothie
i get that
that could be in the book you know i
apologize for [ __ ] on it so readily
but like i'm
no no king shaming here that could be
part of the mixology you don't know i i
i take back my judgment i apologize it
was a snap judgment and i regret it
anyway the pop and go
so these are the ones that come
basically this is first timers
and it's first timers and vance just
pulled up chelsea's husband just pulled
up the seminology
mixology book i feel vindicated thank
you great news guys it's free on kindle
unlimited
stop
yes
we will put it in the show notes it is
free for those of you who
are subscribed to kindle unlimited
i don't know how much it how much does
it cost if it's not unlimited
22.95 so you too can learn how to mix
semen
and i don't remember any of the names of
the
the the drinks but i do remember that
they were very funny so maybe i'll look
them up later but
the point is the pop and goes are
essentially first-timers
that show up and tend to talk a big game
like i'm here to rock your world baby
like you've never seen somebody as big
as me and then they basically come in
like two seconds because they're not
used to the stimulation that they
receive so then they leave very
embarrassed
so it's like most guys at a college bar
pretty much every guy at a college bar
but minotaur but minotaurs okay i'm
but but they can probably back up their
size a little bit more because it's a
bull penis situation instead of just
like
like a 21 year old [ __ ] idiot who's
had too much whiskey and thinks he's
really cool because he drinks whiskey
you know
i once ordered whiskey on the rocks at a
bar and at a honky tonk in nashville
when we were living there and the guy at
the bar next to me literally looked at
me and said will you marry me
and i went you have a very low bar my
friend
so honored but if your only bar is that
i drink whiskey
this is
too low a bar and i want you to aim
higher for yourself
i don't know if i should feel better or
worse that i have not had a spontaneous
proposal like that i mean i have but not
in that that scenario well plot twist
he's not my husband
oh
i know everyone is shocked by that i
know poor guy i hope he's happy wherever
you are i hope you're happy whiskey on
the rocks guy right
so then we have the clock watchers which
is the one that she was super turned on
by these are the guys that are
essentially like
high power businessmen um just making a
little extra money
um they're always on their way to
another meeting to a lunch meeting to
whatever
so um
it's very much transactional for them
and they very rarely
um
vocalize or express any kind of
excitement
they're just like didn't get out i want
my money for my sperm basically yeah
cool so the last one is the one that is
the most like
uh why
was that necessary for this
um as opposed to the rest of the book
which is very necessary obviously yes
yeah um it is the good little cows
i wasn't ready i wasn't ready for it i
said what i said
so the good little cows are basically
into the
fantasy of being milked like they're
into that kink
and so sometimes so there are notes in
the milking associates like uh files for
the day that will tell them if they want
them to wear a specific kind of outfit
like a milk made
oh outfit
okay um
and
um
[Music]
so like these guys it's like more fetish
for these guys yes okay it's less
business more fetish yes and they do
tend to be the best tippers apparently
um well one won't hope if it's your
fetish and they're making it like making
your dreams come true that you would tip
well
don't be stingy right and they're very
clear in the book that the owners of the
milking farm are very much about the
safety of their
um
their milking associates and so they say
if anybody's ever inappropriate with you
all you need to do is report it and
they'll be banned
so i guess that's good like i don't know
what the point of that was
you know like for the i mean on mass of
the book like just if we sort of distill
it to what it is
why
well i mean like i bet there's some
freedom for a milking associate to know
that like if a minotaur is inappropriate
that like they can hold a boundary and
they can say like no you are no longer
welcome here
sure yeah
like that must feel good because you
know like what would suck if like
someone was like really inappropriate it
was a really shitty experience and they
like showed up the next week and they're
like
they requested you and you're like no
ma'am
yeah there's a certain amount of
empowerment to know that if somebody
makes you feel unsafe that you don't
have to interact with them again yes yes
i could i could agree with that
so
um
violet is getting more settled into the
job she's learning more about it she is
making pretty good money
and she's kind of like rocking and
rolling along and then she gets a
request
so she has her stack of
files for the day she gets a request and
she's like oh [ __ ] this could only be
one minotaur and i'm like why you've
literally serviced like 200 at this
point like why could it only be the one
but okay
so she's like oh [ __ ]
and then so as the day goes along this
particular day nothing is going right
like the the equipment's not working
properly not the minotaur equipment
they're fine but like
her
the the milking equipment is not working
properly she's behind schedule like
nothing is going the way it's supposed
to so she gets to her last appointment
of the day and it is the minotaur and
she finally sees his face and she feels
like he's super
hot
did she initially recognize him by his
back muscles she did okay yes and he's
wearing a a septum piercing okay um and
she's like that's also pretty hot
like i'm kind of into that
and so
they sort of strike up a conversation
she talks about how bad her day was he's
like i'm so sorry i hope that i wasn't
your bad luck because i requested you
and she was like i guess we'll just have
to see
they start talking about coffee she
shares with him that she went to this
particular coffee shop and he's like no
no no no that coffee shop is terrible
you need to go to this one and she was
like okay i'll remember that
blah blah blah blah blah
so she carries on with her life she
continues to work and do well and make
money and make all these tips and
everything's going great
um her mom continues to call her to try
to get her to move home and she tells
her mom she's working for a
pharmaceutical company which i guess is
technically true
so
then one day she's at a coffee shop
this guy starts hitting on her and she's
like jesus christ and
she's like is she at the coffee shop
that's the dude recommended okay and
she's like oh [ __ ] like i
am not into this and this girl comes up
to her and is like hey han like i'm so
sorry i'm late thank you so much for
like saving a table like blah blah blah
blah so like a random stranger totally
comes up and saves her we love this
stranger classic classic like girl power
move here
so
sorry i need a little more wine for
what's about to happen oh god
so she makes friends with this person
who is uh british i guess and super nice
chatty
um she discovers that this uh woman is a
vampire
who works at a
restaurant for vampires and so she is
essentially a collector of blood so
people volunteer and get paid
um to provide blood to this restaurant
and this vampire collects it i love that
all of the species in this universe
really all work to each other's greater
good they do and only in cambric creek
so in the larger city
um the other species are kind of more
looked down upon but in this particular
sort of
town suburb area of the city
you have like she and she describes like
moth people ogres pixies trolls dwarves
like all these different kinds of
creatures shifters um all coexisting
together and kind of loving on each
other and supporting each other which is
great
so
um she meets this this vampire
they really hit it off she they decide
they're gonna meet up again
um she continues to work blah blah blah
she sees the minotaur again and makes
specific like the minotaur again she
does not know his name because it's only
initials on his uh file
so he requests her again so she knows
that she's been requested she sees his
initials she knows that it's him
um
and she makes a specific note of his
septum piercing
and every time and i'm not going to get
into it every time but every time she
gives him
she
she goes for the full handskip
he
um she is super aroused by the whole
situation right
so um
she
goes home and is thinking about him she
watches some minotaur human porn gets
herself off
she then decides she needs to look up
what the septum piercing means because
not all of the minotaurs that she
services has them
so
she discovers that the septum piercing
generally means that the minotaur is
married so she is super upset by this
because
she was like i thought we had a
connection and then she beats herself up
because she's like we did not have a
connection
i'm giving him a medical procedure like
you need to calm the [ __ ] down right i i
just really love that like hand jobs
like this entire book is about giving
minotaurs hand jobs and she's like it's
a medical procedure
it it is okay it is
so
um she
yeah so she does the whole deal
um
of like pulling back from him
essentially because she's like oh he's
married like i really should not be so
like he like shows up to be serviced and
she's just like
not talking about coffee anymore like
more like just like withdrawn yeah okay
she's trying to have more professional
boundaries because she recognizes that
like she's maybe going a little bit too
far with this guy if she's into him like
that
so she then goes to get coffee a couple
of days later and he's there
and she's meeting her vampire friend and
people are currently cutting trees down
in chelsea's yard so i'm really like we
are college guys y'all there are there
are trees coming down
they're like they're not small trees
they're not and there are a lot of dudes
out there there are and so like
something to know about
where where my husband and i live is
that it's a it's very heavily wooded and
there's also some steep angles you know
what else is heavily wooded these
minotaurs hey
i'm so sorry um no but for real my so
our yard is very like heavily wooded our
neighbors are getting some trees removed
but because of
generally how most all of these trees
line up that people need removed um they
can't just like let them cut them and
let them fall so they actually have to
like rope
like pieces down individually or if they
cut it down it will land on your house
yeah um
so
the end of this episode could be really
interesting right but like we applaud
this noise for the fact that like my
neighbors are getting trees safely
removed that won't fall on my house or
theirs in my neighborhood is notorious
like we had some trees removed recently
and the guy was like oh yeah whenever
there's a storm that comes through like
your neighborhood like all of the the
tree service people get hit up because
like trees always fall down in fact when
we were buying our house we were under
contract that hadn't closed yet a
hurricane came through and two trees
fell down and hit our neighbor's house
and i was like i'm so sorry but also i
don't own the house yet so it's not my
problem yeah um
we haven't we haven't talked to them
since i bought the house and it is my
problem
you know but you know these things
happen
and so they do
so um
so violet do we know his name at this
point not yet oh my god no i don't even
know his name okay no we don't know his
name so so she is at the
coffee shop and she's meeting her
vampire friend and he's there and he's
there and she has already emotionally
withdrawn from him because a septum ring
normally means in their community that
he is married yes and so she's like oh
[ __ ]
oh god i did not want to talk to him
ever again oh god
and so she's kind of freaking out is it
like actually she didn't want to talk to
him or is she like a low-key a little
excited that he's there
i mean i guess she's a little bit
excited that she that he's there but
she's like really sad
she's really sad
um
that he's married and she had like built
it up in her mind that they had this
connection and he was married
so he's like oh hey like let me buy you
a coffee and she's like no i'm here with
someone and he's like oh you're on a
date and she's like yep
yep i'm on a date even though she's not
so she's lying to just like put
emotional distance between them
technically it's a friend it's a friend
date so i mean if you want to splice it
that way you can
feels like she was reaching for the sake
of she was the distance between them
though she was for sure so he's like
oh
oh okay
right
and then later
he
he comes back to the milking farm
and they're like kind of weird and she
goes up onto like the milking bench area
which she almost never does and they're
like talking and he's like well i didn't
realize you were seeing anyone and she's
like well i didn't realize you were
married and he was like the [ __ ] are you
talking about she's like you're you're
piercing and he's like no i'm divorced
i've been divorced for two years i've
just been afraid to get this removed
because i think like it's gonna hurt
like getting it hurt a lot and getting
it removed is gonna hurt a lot and i've
just been kind of been avoiding it and
she's like oh
i was on a date with my friends
and then they're like oh
okay
well then they cleared up this big
miscommunication they have okay and
honestly like that is basically like the
biggest
plot point of the whole book like
there's no plot at what point in the
book does that happen
it happens
like
about halfway through a little more than
halfway through okay yeah
so then
she's like oh okay and he's like we
should get dinner and she's like i don't
i don't think i'm allowed to do that and
he's like sure you can
and so
because there are um cameras in on the
milking level but there are not cameras
on the breeding bench level
um for the privacy of the minotaurs
so
anyway
so she gives him the five finger slippy
and then
and
then um
he
he's like we should get dinner they plan
a date
and she's like i think this might be
unethical but i don't really know like
oh
so she's she decides to go for it they
go out on a date it's really lovely
she really enjoys his company everything
is great
she hears more about his
um ex-wife
and decides to look her up she discovers
that this this ex-wife is like a
uh
i don't know what you would call it
like
like she's mixed so she's half minotaur
half human and she's like super gorgeous
and all this other stuff and she's like
oh [ __ ] she starts to kind of feel bad
about herself what is your body if you
are half menitar and half human
i don't really
okay i just i think her facial features
were more human than a minotaur okay i
can work with that yeah
but she still had hooves in a tail
and hooves is an allergy
apparently apparently
aren't hoops like fingernails though
i mean to be fair i don't eat human
fingernails
so
i don't i don't eat hooves or human
fingernails i just want to clarify that
for the record no one was asking but
just just to make sure we were all on
the same page i just choked a little bit
um okay you need more wine there no
i'm good
um so she like gets kind of
self-conscious and he's like no you're
you're gorgeous and blah blah blah blah
blah
you're gorgeous even if you don't have
hooves and a tail exactly that's what
that's what we all want to hear from our
partners honestly like that's why i
married my husband
did matt say to you at some point
hannah
you're beautiful even without hooves and
a tail
you know i don't think he used those
exact words
honestly i'd have more questions if my
husband did
my husband was like i think you're
stunning even if you don't have hooves
i'd be like wait hold up
i mean
in all fairness my husband is from very
rural west georgia that's basically
alabama so
i would also like to clearly state just
because hannah's husband is from west
georgia he has never been into
bestiality he hasn't and i let's let's
just clear that [ __ ] up right now you're
like i just want to be clear he is from
west georgia and i'm like you know who's
going to be pissed listening to this
episode your husband when we're talking
about minotaur sex and you're like he is
from west georgia y'all let's be totally
fair he's not going to listen
[Laughter]
he has to listen to me talk about this
[ __ ] all the time anyway he is not going
to this is why we started this podcast
because all in a ridiculous book i'm
like oh my god vance i just need to tell
you all about it and then i feel like
i'm
like i'm very early in to what i think
it's a great book description and i can
tell he's like i'm ready for this to not
yeah eyes are glazing over like we're
checking out he's like for sure so i
would like to play a game on this on my
nintendo switch at this point
and i'm like yeah you know i guess i
guess this might not be as exciting for
you which is why we started this podcast
so we could all have a safe space to
talk about smut with people who give a
[ __ ] because our husbands are very
supportive wonderful human beings who we
like adore with every every fiber of our
being
and
they also don't read smut or really have
a desire to discuss it with us yeah they
don't get excited about it you know
they just don't and by excited we just
mean like excited to read it we don't
mean like aroused excited
so
yes so
at work
i have a feelings wheel yep all
therapists should have this it's a great
tool it's very helpful for people to
identify what they're feeling and on
this feelings wheel is the word aroused
and i cannot tell you the number of
times that a new patient has come in and
picked it up and said
how many times has somebody said aroused
i'm like too many bro like more than you
would think
like honestly more than you would hope
for real
for you the goal is that no one comes in
for therapy and when you're like how are
you feeling today and they go around
you're like well that's not the word i
was hoping for
yeah
yeah like maybe we should end session
early but anyway
so
they go on a date
it's very enjoyable she's super into it
he seems super into it
it's all great
she's starting to get kind of anxious
because she knows the size of his member
um because i mean she has at least on
three occasions now yeah
given him
a beef jerky
she had given him a beef jerky
i'm i like i both i simultaneously love
and hate all of these hand job
euphemisms
i personally can't stop
i got so excited about all of these
euphemisms that i made a list for all of
the ones that i wanted to make sure that
i and she texts me about it like hannah
straight up text me and she's like i'm
so excited to review this book because i
have a full list of my favorite
euphemisms for hand jobs and i was like
that is commitment my friends
like literally my notes for this book
are just
hand job euphemisms like that's
that's all how many more do you have on
the list that we haven't hit yet a lot
yes all right let's get back in so you
you can start knocking those out
so
she knows what she would be working with
because she has given him a smiley dan
in the past
so
um she is like hoping that he's gonna
come inside and he's like giving her a
nice little kiss you mean like come
inside her house not inside of her both
okay valid yeah
so
um
yeah so
he drops her off she's like what's
happening here
um oh they go on a couple more dates he
does wind up taking her home and this is
where the book for me like
none of it has been great
in all fairness to siem nescasta and all
the wanky jobs that happened here
none of it has been great
but this is where it's like
okay so we we were sort of tiptoeing to
the line
and now we have we have tap dance to
cross it
okay
so she finally goes home with dude buddy
and
he
she starts to give him a swedish massage
and not like a regular one like a handy
swedish massage
and he has a ton of lube and obviously
because it's going to be necessary
because they're very specific that he is
quite
large and
and wide and there's a lot happening
for him
in that situation so
she's getting really aroused and really
excited and he's like no no no no no no
like
pump the brakes we got to get you ready
for all this because i'm not trying to
hurt you right now and she's like but
you could though
and he's like no
so he pumps the brakes he slows it down
he tries to get her ready
and here's the problem no here's a
problem so they talk about the amount of
ejaculate
that is happening right
because it's being collected
scientifically and medically so we know
the amount
and she is fantasizing about
oh what
24 ounces oh my god
stop
stop right now you shut your mouth right
now
so like the standard
ejaculation for a minotaur is 24 ounces
of semen that's what fills up the jug
so they don't all meet that i'm looking
at my water bottle right now that holds
32 ounces and i am feeling very
concerned
[Music]
oh no that shouldn't all go in your body
you're a human
no
no it shouldn't go in anybody's body
really it should go in a glass jug and
into viagra
which is the whole point of the milking
farm i mean
yes
so she is wicked turned on by this whole
scenario again she has watched minotaur
human porn and gotten herself off to
this she's telling him about it he's
like i'm real into that
and
eventually is this his first time with a
human do we know
i don't think we know but it does seem
that way okay it does seem that way but
he is trying to be very careful not to
hurt her which is nice that's very kind
you always appreciate that yeah
so
they do it
it's very messy
there's 24 ounces of jizz
i hated i hated that
sentence yup i mean you're not wrong but
i hate that you said it
okay so there it's very messy there's 24
ounces of jizz yes and
they need a lot of towels
you know the great news is very specific
in the book go to costco
get a get a pack it's very cheap you can
bleach them after
i hate everything about this but go on
so
after all that happens and she is left
to clean up the kansas milk of it all
she
i'm sorry guys i'm not that sorry i'm
going to keep going because i can't stop
so
much like oh i forgot his name is rourke
she finds out at the coffee shop coffee
shop his name is rourke
so
they continue to bang and it's all great
her mom is trying to set her up with
some guy
that she grew up with
in her hometown and she's like jesus
christ woman like please leave me alone
like
jesus jamal xavier christ please stop
calling me about this like i'm really
not into it
and she can't like mom can't stop so
there is some some concern about the
whole inter-species
situation
so she talks about common in this
universe it is so she talks to her
friend who is the vampire and gets some
support around it she also meets her
she meets rorke's neighbor
who is a pixie who's in a relationship
with the an ogre i think
and she's like yeah he's like massive
and like oh my god and you're like why
is this part of the conversation
right i mean oh
anyway well but also like
i don't know i think back on when i was
dating my husband and if i like there
there wasn't an inner species
question of any capacity but i do feel
like if my husband's neighbor had been
like
that's who you're dating
he's huge he's so well endowed i'd be
like i don't want to have this
conversation with you
yeah that would have been a
i would say hard pass but that feels
weird for the current conversation so
that feels worse
that's like like a flaccid pass that's
terrible classic pass man
i'll have to pass on that one
i want to start using that more
but i don't think there's a setting in
which it's appropriate it's only this
setting flap and pass literally only
with me on this podcast can you use the
phrase flaccid patch and we will use
that in the future and no one will like
they will have to come back to this
episode for context or they'll be like
what the [ __ ] is chelsea talking about
and she's like flaccid pass on that one
[Music]
precisely
so anyway she does get a lot of support
from other females i'm not going gonna
call them women because they are not
human
but she gets a lot of support from other
females around the whole inner species
thing and she's like maybe we can make
this work
and then she's like oh wait is he gonna
be weird about me working at the milking
farm
because like i'm i'm i'm like giving a a
sand job to other dudes like is he into
that did you say a sand jump i did
i have are they at the beach i don't
know
a sand jab
that's better than a sad job
is that
yes uh well you know it there's probably
less friction than a sand job
but a good job
so here's the other thing about this
whole book okay
so i've used a few different
obviously like a few different
euphemisms but some of my favorites like
a nantucket
handshake and a houston high five i
don't know that they would be fully
appropriate because this is like an
alternate reality so
so nantucket and houston don't exist i
did use kansas milk and i won't
apologize for that
but
you know i don't think you need to
apologize for not knowing the nuances of
the
universe which this is happening thank
you i probably need to apologize for a
lot but not for that
yes give yourself that freedom so she's
like okay i'm really into him this is
going well but will he be okay with me
being a milking associate because it's
not just him i mean milking precisely
um and he's like yeah babe it's a
medical procedure like it's all good
like
you're the only one i want milking me
but it's cool if you keep this job i
know that it's important to you to have
your independence i could support you
like you could move in with me tomorrow
and that would be cool
but i know your independence is
important to you blah blah blah
so
um her mom calls her and says she found
a job for her in her hometown sort of in
her degree
field closer to her degree than jacking
off menopause uh yes closer to
closer than giving squeezies to
minotaurs yes
so i can't stop y'all and i
nor showed you like i don't know if i'm
proud of myself or ashamed of myself but
it's happening and you guys are along
for the ride so here we go
so she's like
no i'm not moving home i'm not dating
this weird dude that you want me to date
i'm not i'm not doing it
i have this job i really like it blah
blah blah blah
but then rourke gets her an interview
with a pla with a museum that would be
in line with her degree
she's super excited so she goes it goes
really well she's with a
a like
leopard shifter some kind of like large
cat
situation i don't really remember
um
he's super nice she winds up getting the
job it's really great she moves to
cambrick creek
um loving it she decides she still wants
to work at the milking farm like one or
two days a week
and
uh
rourke fully supports that she is um
she she gets her own apartment in
cambridge creek even though he says that
she can move in with him she's like no i
want my independence for a little while
blah blah blah
and then
yeah so that's where it ends she gets a
job in her career field she's still
working part-time as a milking associate
she's still with rorke
getting that inner species strange and
that's it
that's that's wait that's that's the end
of the that's the book okay so i want us
i just want to be clear
let me summarize what i feel like i
heard you say please do
i'm using my active listening skills as
a therapist here
okay so
um she gets this her master's she can't
find a job in in her field she gets a
job as a milking associate she sees the
back of one minotaur and like loses her
[ __ ] mind yeah and then he requests
her a couple times she thinks he's
married he goes plot twist i'm not
married i'm divorced and she's like okay
i'm into this i was hanging out with my
vampire friend i was not actually on a
date
let's
move forward together they have messy
inter-species sex
and which is very explicitly described
so if that's something you're interested
in
i guess read it
and then
she's like okay so we're a thing now
what does this mean and then he gets her
a job in her field in that town and then
she
stays on prn
as a milking associate yes um
the end
yep
what a journey
wow stupid here's the thing it's not
that much of a journey you know it is it
isn't a journey
one thousand percent agree like i'm like
part of this is i'm like we really
experience that together but then the
other part of me is like but what did we
experience exactly like this is not
full of twists and turns this is like
a cool hop skip and a jump like from a
to b you know
there's not a ton of plot is what i'm
saying
i'd say there's very minimal plot
there's there's not a lot of plot like
but it just like i feel like most of the
book is in the description of jacking
off a minotaur yeah it's just straight
up stroking beef salami like that's it
that's it
that's the [ __ ] book dude
like riding the bologna pony
yes yeah okay yeah
that's what we're doing here
and
you know
sam costa makes no apologies for that
and i appreciate that you know it seems
as though cm really doubled down on this
one and she did like you know you went
for it she went all the way and
apparently there are going to be more in
this series that have not been released
yet
and i'm just gonna be totally honest i
don't know if i am
looking forward to it or not but i can
tell you i will likely read it
simply because it's very akin to a
train wreck i feel like it's like some
anxious anticipation
maybe not even anxious no begrudging
anticipation
definitely
yeah okay so did we decide if our
writing system is hugh jackman's or milk
jugs
i'm gonna go it should be hugh jackman's
like that's where we started and that's
where it should end okay so how many
hugh jackman's are we rating this and we
can write it as both
the australian actor who's a gym and we
we all love and we can rate it as the
euphemism for hand jobs
yes it's very interchangeable at this
point
um
much like the milking associates
um except for the good little cows
oh god i forgot about them so i'm gonna
go with like
like 3.5 out of 10 hugh jackman's
like
there is no plot here
it it's just about how massive his bowl
penis is like that's literally the book
that's it
so
3.5 out of 10. if that is
3.5 hugh jackman's as hand jobs i just
want to make sure that we're clear yeah
that would be
if a hand job is 24 ounces
that would be about
84 ounces of minotaur sperm is what
we're rating this book
is 85 ounces of minotaur sperm
do you think it's worth that
84 out of 240
yes
you know i will
perfect yeah 84
ounces of minotaur sperm given to us by
hugh jackman's
out of 240.
listen if hugh jackman is listening i
don't know where you would find minotaur
sperm but if there is anyone on the
planet that is capable of making that
acquisition it is you also we're so
sorry we love you you're you're
like
you're an australian national treasure
you're an american national treasure we
don't deserve you and we do love you and
we apologize except we don't that we are
referred to hand jobs as hugh jackman's
if anything it's a compliment
yeah i feel very
complimentary for the whole thing right
i'm gonna go watch the greatest showman
[Laughter]
yeah so thanks to hugh jackman
um
and though we are we are not endorsed by
hugh jackman it'd be a lot cooler if we
were this is the greatest show you know
and on that note i feel like we should
bow out so thank you and good night have
a good evening
[Music]
well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]
we hope it was good for you
because it sure was great for us
if you're digging what we're doing it
would mean a lot if you take a minute to
rate and review the show wherever you're
listening right now
maybe tell that sexy someone to lend us
an ear
we love you
we appreciate you
and we'll see you next week
stay spotty
[Music]
you