1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,840 I talk to people frequently who own businesses 2 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:06,640 and lead teams and 3 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:11,680 they will often struggle with second 4 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:15,480 guessing and decision making and even being in a position that they never thought they 5 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:19,040 would actually be in. So they have this passion for starting a business 6 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,280 and then they end up in a situation where they say, to grow this 7 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:26,240 thing, I have to learn how to delegate, I have to learn how to lead 8 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:30,060 people. And it's very intimidating for them. And I've been 9 00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:33,780 in that same situation, growing a business, it 10 00:00:33,780 --> 00:00:37,580 at having situations where I can't do this on my own. 11 00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:39,900 Just knowing I can't do this on my own. I don't know how many times 12 00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:43,700 I've said that over the last five years. You know, I had, I started 13 00:00:43,700 --> 00:00:47,380 Decide youe Legacy in 2012 and we were a team of five, went through 14 00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:51,100 a setback, shrunk. Now it's been growing again. And 15 00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:54,800 then I'm relearning some things that I think I was better at 16 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,520 in the past, but I've held on to some bad habits, doing it on 17 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:02,000 my own, learning to trust people again. 18 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:05,840 And that's been hard for me. And so today we're going to talk about 19 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,640 influence that lasts. So strategies to impact people, strategies 20 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:14,240 to grow your team, strategies to grow your business. Some things that you 21 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,680 wouldn't have thought of that impact me when I reflect on them 22 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,920 and that are going to be helpful to you. And by the end of this 23 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:23,170 episode, you're going to realize that you have a lot of influence. 24 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,320 Leadership opportunities abound, whether it's in your family, 25 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:41,160 on a holiday, with your family, with your friends. Leadership 26 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:45,080 is you leading somebody in a different direction towards their goals. 27 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,520 And we're going to talk today about these concepts 28 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,170 that you can apply right away. But first and foremost, 29 00:01:52,810 --> 00:01:56,650 gear get in the mindset of saying that I can 30 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:59,810 relate to being a leader, even though I don't think I'm a leader. But there 31 00:01:59,810 --> 00:02:03,610 are aspects of my life where this is actually going to apply. So 32 00:02:03,610 --> 00:02:07,250 I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I am a corporate and individual legacy 33 00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:11,050 coach and I've been a family therapist for a number of years. My passion 34 00:02:11,210 --> 00:02:15,050 and the purpose of Decide youe Legacy is helping people and organizations 35 00:02:15,050 --> 00:02:18,450 live courageously, facing their fears, doing things 36 00:02:18,450 --> 00:02:22,050 differently. You know, I have faced a fear recently. One of those fears 37 00:02:22,050 --> 00:02:25,810 is hiring my daughter, not knowing what to expect, 38 00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:29,970 being in a situation where I don't know how to. 39 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:32,930 I don't really know how to do this. I've never done it before. I have 40 00:02:32,930 --> 00:02:36,650 one daughter. That's it. So she's now an employee officially, 41 00:02:36,650 --> 00:02:40,490 she's like in the office every day. It's great, I get it. But 42 00:02:40,490 --> 00:02:44,310 it's a fear and I'm facing it, I'm leaning into it. And there's 43 00:02:44,310 --> 00:02:47,830 things every day that I didn't expect and there's things every day that I are 44 00:02:47,830 --> 00:02:50,990 different than my expectations, but it's a fear. So how have you faced a fear 45 00:02:50,990 --> 00:02:54,430 lately? I'd like you to think about that to get started. And I like to 46 00:02:54,430 --> 00:02:57,709 think in this podcast, if you would put yourself in a situation 47 00:02:57,710 --> 00:03:01,510 potentially that you are in now and you're a leader in that situation. So 48 00:03:01,510 --> 00:03:05,310 whether it's at your church, it's with your job, it's with your family, you're a 49 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:09,160 leader in different situations and you can apply this content. So 50 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:13,000 I struggle with this because for me 51 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:17,400 it's a change to trust and I know the less I trust, 52 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,720 the more I try to control. And so it's a change for me to put 53 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:24,520 myself in these situations. And what I will find myself 54 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:27,160 doing at times is just manufacturing my own drama, 55 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,840 getting stuck in it, even self sabotage because that's safer for 56 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:35,640 me than actually stepping out and growing this thing so it can impact more people. 57 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,960 Just being frank with you. And today I have a special guest. 58 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,640 It's somebody interviewing me. I felt like it'd be a great chance for me to 59 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:47,400 be asked some questions about what I'm learning about leadership. That could be helpful. That 60 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,560 will be helpful to you, but by somebody else who is a leader on the 61 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:54,240 Decide youe Legacy team. Her name's Kelsey Torkelson and she's our brand 62 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:57,960 relations director. And so she's going to ask me questions and I'm going to 63 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,680 answer them and you're going to take notes. And I want 64 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,310 to share a little bit. Something else 65 00:04:05,310 --> 00:04:08,990 as well is that, is that as you go through this 66 00:04:08,990 --> 00:04:12,790 content, it is great to think of yourself leading a 67 00:04:12,790 --> 00:04:16,630 specific person. I find that gives some context to it as you 68 00:04:16,630 --> 00:04:20,150 go in and you think, well, how could this impact that specific person? And think 69 00:04:20,150 --> 00:04:23,870 of somebody that's frustrating to you. So on your 70 00:04:23,870 --> 00:04:27,710 team there may be somebody that just you don't connect with 71 00:04:27,870 --> 00:04:31,110 very well and they may have just a different personality because people that are highly 72 00:04:31,110 --> 00:04:34,580 analytical often can clash with somebody who's a strong people, person, 73 00:04:34,730 --> 00:04:38,530 person. It's like the sales department clashing with the finance department at your 74 00:04:38,530 --> 00:04:42,250 company. And somebody that is more one on one can clash with somebody 75 00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:46,290 that is more decisive and driven and wants to 76 00:04:46,290 --> 00:04:50,050 move in a fast direction. It can put them in an uncomfortable situation. So I 77 00:04:50,050 --> 00:04:53,530 find that to be helpful. Get specific. Specificity 78 00:04:54,010 --> 00:04:57,690 decreases anxiety and it gives you applicability. You can apply 79 00:04:57,690 --> 00:05:00,750 it to that specific situation. So, Kelsey, go ahead. 80 00:05:01,630 --> 00:05:05,150 Well, how would you define leadership in your own words? 81 00:05:06,430 --> 00:05:10,030 Leadership. To me, as I focus on it, 82 00:05:10,030 --> 00:05:13,870 it's influence. It's you being in a 83 00:05:13,870 --> 00:05:17,590 situation where you can help somebody else to go where they've 84 00:05:17,590 --> 00:05:21,110 articulated they want to go and where, you know they can 85 00:05:21,110 --> 00:05:24,830 go. So you see somebody on your team and they have great potential to 86 00:05:24,830 --> 00:05:28,000 be great at sales, let's say, because they're 87 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,840 articulate and they're a people person and they're fun and they love to 88 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:35,080 meet new people. But you find that in sales 89 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:39,040 situations, they get anxious, but you believe that they can 90 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:42,560 get there. You know, that they're passionate about the cause of the company and being 91 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,160 a representative in the community, but you believe it so much. But they. They 92 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:49,800 doubt themselves and they second guess. But a good leader is going to continually 93 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:53,520 pull them out of the drama, and some of that drama is in their own 94 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:57,190 heads and towards the progress. And that progress 95 00:05:57,190 --> 00:06:00,670 is going to be the next step that they can take, the next step that 96 00:06:00,670 --> 00:06:04,390 they can challenge themselves with. And you show them how much you believe 97 00:06:04,390 --> 00:06:07,950 in them because you're giving them those opportunities. And then they see, wow, I can 98 00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:11,470 do this. Because what I found is that people only grow after 99 00:06:11,470 --> 00:06:15,110 they do something that they're afraid to do. They 100 00:06:15,110 --> 00:06:17,750 grow, and then they see on the other side because they let go of the 101 00:06:17,750 --> 00:06:21,400 outcomes, that it's actually much better than they thought it could actually be. So 102 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:25,000 leadership is influence, and it's helping people to focus on the 103 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,760 gains, not the gaps. So successes at the end of the 104 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,840 day rather than the failures at the end of the day. So I love asking 105 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,880 people on my team, like, what did you do that you were afraid of today? 106 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,520 And I find as they share those things, that usually their energy level goes up 107 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:41,720 because they did something. And even if it didn't go well, like, I asked a 108 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:45,320 friend yesterday who has. I've. I've kind of loosely 109 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:49,000 been asked to hold him accountable. At least he's given me permission to hold him 110 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,740 accountable based on making sales calls. And that's difficult 111 00:06:52,740 --> 00:06:56,420 in his business for him. And he shared with me a list of 112 00:06:56,580 --> 00:07:00,340 five calls that he had actually made, and one of them was promising. And 113 00:07:00,340 --> 00:07:03,820 even in that interaction, surprisingly, it inspired me to go ahead and do something because 114 00:07:03,820 --> 00:07:07,500 I saw someone else face a fear. So he was willing to face a fear. 115 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:10,940 But me asking that question was my opportunity. To 116 00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:14,780 influence him and to see that I believe in him and I believe 117 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:18,380 in other people often more than they believe in themselves. People believe in me more 118 00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:22,020 than I believe in myself oftentimes. And that's what I need 119 00:07:22,740 --> 00:07:26,540 from other people. Because people need to lead me. I am led. If I'm willing 120 00:07:26,540 --> 00:07:29,060 to be a good leader, then I'm also going to have to be willing to 121 00:07:29,060 --> 00:07:32,100 be led by other people if I want to be a good leader. That is, 122 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:35,780 that's really good. What's one belief or principle that guides 123 00:07:35,860 --> 00:07:39,380 everything you do as a leader? Well, it, it 124 00:07:39,380 --> 00:07:43,220 motivates me to know that I'm being watched and hopefully no 125 00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:46,950 one, no one is watching me in while I'm sleeping at 126 00:07:46,950 --> 00:07:50,270 night, or that's what I'm talking about. But I'm. That my behavior 127 00:07:51,150 --> 00:07:54,870 that they see during the day at work 128 00:07:54,870 --> 00:07:58,190 or that my clients see is, is influencing 129 00:07:58,430 --> 00:08:02,230 them as well. So when I take a vacation, which 130 00:08:02,230 --> 00:08:04,990 I'm going on a 10 day vacation 131 00:08:05,790 --> 00:08:09,630 in like five days, I'm gonna go to California, see my parents and 132 00:08:09,630 --> 00:08:12,670 go to the beach and go hike Half Dome and everything, a lot of my 133 00:08:12,670 --> 00:08:16,270 clients, they, they get it. I, I've noticed over time 134 00:08:16,350 --> 00:08:19,510 that, and they even told me over time, like the fact that you take vacations 135 00:08:19,510 --> 00:08:23,230 at them and that you seem to really enjoy it, that's, that's inspiring 136 00:08:23,230 --> 00:08:26,110 to me because I'm in a mindset, right. I don't feel like I can just 137 00:08:26,110 --> 00:08:29,790 disconnect and trust my team and trust other people. So they 138 00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:32,670 work all the time kind of thing, or even on vacations, they work. I know 139 00:08:32,670 --> 00:08:36,390 a lot of people like that. And so if I can, if it inspires 140 00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:39,399 me to say, like, well, you know, I'm not, I'm not going to do this 141 00:08:39,399 --> 00:08:43,199 work stuff, even though it's going to be extremely tempting, I'm not 142 00:08:43,199 --> 00:08:46,279 going to go and plug into that because I'm going to, I'm going to take 143 00:08:46,279 --> 00:08:50,039 this time to be rejuvenated. So I'm better for my clients and I'm 144 00:08:50,039 --> 00:08:53,639 better for my team and I'm better for my community because I'm young again. That's 145 00:08:53,639 --> 00:08:57,079 rejuvenation. So that, that I'm being, that helps me and 146 00:08:57,319 --> 00:09:00,279 it helps me also to 147 00:09:02,039 --> 00:09:05,479 just acknowledge that I don't have to have it all figured out. I mean, 148 00:09:05,830 --> 00:09:09,390 that's a, that's a belief that if I'm sloppy and 149 00:09:09,390 --> 00:09:12,990 messy because, because even my team right now, I, I'm using a 150 00:09:12,990 --> 00:09:16,750 new, a new system for holding meetings 151 00:09:16,750 --> 00:09:20,390 and I don't understand It's. It's the EOS 152 00:09:20,950 --> 00:09:24,670 system from Traction, and I like it a lot. And 153 00:09:24,670 --> 00:09:28,270 I've. I've actually used. I've had a lot of clients 154 00:09:28,270 --> 00:09:32,000 use it, and it's great. I mean, I love the book, but I've realized 155 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,360 that I'm not actually applying this with my own team, and I don't know how 156 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,720 to use it very well. So I'm really. I'm really kind of sloppy. I'm making 157 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:42,160 a lot of mistakes. I'm like, But. And part of me 158 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,840 on one side is saying, like, well, they're not going to think you're 159 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,560 good enough as a leader. You know, like, you're letting them down because you're not. 160 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:53,280 So you don't have it dialed in. And then part of me is 161 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:57,120 like, it's okay that they see that, because they can see that I'm 162 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,680 staying on my. Out of my own drama, and I'm not giving up on this 163 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:02,950 thing. I mean, I know that it works. I've seen it work, and I've seen 164 00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:06,070 how you can have structured meetings that really work. And I've. I would say on 165 00:10:06,070 --> 00:10:08,470 a scale 1 to 10, I give myself like a. Like a 3 or a 166 00:10:08,470 --> 00:10:12,270 4 over the last couple of weeks. But that's okay because that's insight I'm gaining 167 00:10:12,270 --> 00:10:16,030 to say, like, I can correct this, I can correct that. And even this, the 168 00:10:16,030 --> 00:10:19,590 parts of running, of owning a business that I'm not great at and learning to 169 00:10:19,590 --> 00:10:23,350 delegate that, learning to improve myself in the process, it's. It gives me 170 00:10:23,350 --> 00:10:27,110 the freedom to say, like, it's okay, it's okay. But then I'm focusing 171 00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:30,810 on how much I'm still gaining in the process, and that comes out with 172 00:10:30,890 --> 00:10:34,450 other people. So I'm leading by example. Great 173 00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:38,250 question. Have you always seen yourself as the leader or was 174 00:10:38,250 --> 00:10:42,050 there a turning point? I. I've had times where I have. It's 175 00:10:42,050 --> 00:10:45,290 a both and. And I think, yes, yes and no. 176 00:10:45,850 --> 00:10:49,450 So it's a. Most things in life are in the middle. It's a both and. 177 00:10:49,450 --> 00:10:52,730 So I have at times, and if I go back, I think of 178 00:10:53,210 --> 00:10:56,930 times when I. I was, gosh, 179 00:10:56,930 --> 00:10:59,890 I can go back to college and think, yeah, I was in situations where I 180 00:10:59,890 --> 00:11:03,570 was not engaging in certain behaviors and other people were, and it was 181 00:11:03,570 --> 00:11:07,370 great. So I. And I can think of times where I have 182 00:11:07,370 --> 00:11:10,570 taken the easy path and I've wanted to be comfortable 183 00:11:10,890 --> 00:11:14,330 and. And I've been leaning more on convenience than actually 184 00:11:14,810 --> 00:11:18,570 doing the hard thing. So. And both are good. Both are good for 185 00:11:18,570 --> 00:11:22,380 me to Remember, Because I can remember the. The pain of just hiding 186 00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:26,140 out and isolating and not seeing this privileged position that 187 00:11:26,460 --> 00:11:30,100 we're all in as fathers and mothers and bosses and 188 00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:33,860 business owners and people in our neighborhood and community. But. And at times I 189 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,900 can reflect back, and it's good to think like, yeah, I led in that situation 190 00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:39,500 and that I don't know what kind of influence it had because sometimes you don't 191 00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:43,060 know until down the road that that actually impacted that person. It's very 192 00:11:43,060 --> 00:11:45,740 gratifying when, you know, but I don't always know. 193 00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:50,550 And I mean, I. I feel like there. There's times 194 00:11:50,550 --> 00:11:53,950 where, you know, going through a. A divorce and being a family 195 00:11:53,950 --> 00:11:57,710 therapist back then, I felt like I can't. I can't lead. You 196 00:11:57,710 --> 00:12:01,510 know, I can't. This is not. I've disqualified myself from being a leader in 197 00:12:01,510 --> 00:12:05,270 this situation. And so I wanted to hide from it. You know, I 198 00:12:05,270 --> 00:12:08,910 wanted to not expose to anybody. I. And I did a good fear. I mean, 199 00:12:08,910 --> 00:12:10,990 not a great job at it, but I thought I was doing a pretty good 200 00:12:10,990 --> 00:12:14,310 job at it. And so. And then realizing over time that, you know, I can 201 00:12:14,310 --> 00:12:18,110 use that for good. And it's actually, I can empathize in a different 202 00:12:18,110 --> 00:12:21,870 way. I can be with people in a different way now that I couldn't 203 00:12:21,870 --> 00:12:25,510 have been back then. And so I can still lead. I can still influence 204 00:12:25,510 --> 00:12:29,310 people. And those failures, if you define. I 205 00:12:29,310 --> 00:12:33,110 don't define failure as this really negative thing. I see failure 206 00:12:33,110 --> 00:12:36,470 as didn't go the way I hoped it would have gone. And I learned from 207 00:12:36,470 --> 00:12:40,150 it through course correction and making changes. So in that 208 00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:43,590 regard, I see myself as a leader because of failures in my life. 209 00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:48,070 And the turning point for me has been. 210 00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:51,910 Well, there's a lot of turning points, but I mean, one major turning point 211 00:12:52,550 --> 00:12:55,750 lately has. Has been seeing 212 00:12:56,070 --> 00:12:59,750 that has. Has been. 213 00:13:00,310 --> 00:13:03,990 Well, has been the intentional remembering 214 00:13:04,630 --> 00:13:08,230 in situations of remembering of 215 00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:12,410 that. That change I've been somewhat related to, like, that impact, 216 00:13:12,410 --> 00:13:16,170 that situation I've been somewhat connected to. And. 217 00:13:16,570 --> 00:13:20,410 And so it's been a turning point in the last couple years 218 00:13:20,650 --> 00:13:24,010 that I am connected to these situations. 219 00:13:24,329 --> 00:13:28,130 And if I can intentionally remind myself that that is a 220 00:13:28,130 --> 00:13:31,650 privileged position, it makes a big difference. So every day is. I can listen to 221 00:13:31,650 --> 00:13:35,010 either voice. No, you're not a leader. No, you are a leader. And I can 222 00:13:35,010 --> 00:13:38,180 send to focus on one more than the other. Yeah, 223 00:13:38,820 --> 00:13:42,660 well, what's the biggest myth you think people believe about leadership? 224 00:13:42,980 --> 00:13:46,340 That they're not a leader. That they 225 00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:50,660 are not in a position where somebody's watching and 226 00:13:50,660 --> 00:13:54,260 Being influenced by their life. And I think that's a scapegoat, 227 00:13:54,260 --> 00:13:57,620 sort of something to focus on. That's drama. It's. 228 00:13:57,780 --> 00:14:01,420 It's going to take their attention away from making positive 229 00:14:01,420 --> 00:14:05,230 changes, from. From doing things that are going to influence 230 00:14:05,230 --> 00:14:08,710 other people. Because I don't find that much is more 231 00:14:08,710 --> 00:14:12,350 energizing to somebody than knowing that they can have an 232 00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:15,670 influence on other people's lives through how they live their life. 233 00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:20,430 So when they grasp that, it's very energizing and just saying I'm not a 234 00:14:20,430 --> 00:14:24,270 leader or I'm not qualified or I can't use my mistakes, I can't 235 00:14:24,270 --> 00:14:28,030 use my failures to help other people. That's a scapegoat. That's just 236 00:14:28,030 --> 00:14:31,330 an easy way out. And those things might create 237 00:14:32,690 --> 00:14:36,210 roadblocks for them, they might create barriers for them, but those barriers could 238 00:14:36,290 --> 00:14:39,970 be exactly what they need because it directs them into the right direction. 239 00:14:40,370 --> 00:14:43,890 Yeah. To where they can have an impact. They think that's the way I want 240 00:14:43,890 --> 00:14:47,330 to have an influence. And that may not be where they're being called to have 241 00:14:47,330 --> 00:14:51,130 an influence. In fact, it's not if there's a barrier there that's insurmountable 242 00:14:51,130 --> 00:14:54,770 because of whatever you've. You've had in your life. You know, I. 243 00:14:55,330 --> 00:14:57,810 I think there's certain barriers in my life. I go back even 244 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:02,880 to. To thinking that, you know, I wanted to be in the 245 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,600 military at one point after college, and I was 246 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:10,000 a guy that. So I was going to become an officer in the Air Force. 247 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,960 And I remember in my interview, they asked me a bunch 248 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,040 of questions about whether or not I'd used any drugs in my past. 249 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:22,000 And I told him the truth. When I knew some other buddies that hadn't, 250 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,690 that had. They had partied with me, I knew they were, you know, 251 00:15:25,690 --> 00:15:29,530 wild as. Like I was, and. But I. I just shared. Shot 252 00:15:29,530 --> 00:15:33,130 straight with them about some certain things that I had 253 00:15:33,210 --> 00:15:36,890 tried and mistakes I had made, and that 254 00:15:36,890 --> 00:15:40,290 disqualified me from being in the Air Force. And that was in 255 00:15:40,290 --> 00:15:43,890 1999. I had friends that became officers in the 256 00:15:43,890 --> 00:15:47,210 military, and I knew that they were probably asked the same 257 00:15:47,210 --> 00:15:50,970 questions and they just were. They 258 00:15:50,970 --> 00:15:54,650 didn't kind of shoot straight. And I'm not bashing them at all because I 259 00:15:54,650 --> 00:15:58,050 think, you know, to each, we have different approach and everything. 260 00:15:58,130 --> 00:16:01,930 But. But that. That limited me, but it really didn't limit 261 00:16:01,930 --> 00:16:05,570 me because it opened it up, opened up a door to the perfect path for 262 00:16:05,570 --> 00:16:09,210 me at that. In that situation in my life. And so I can be 263 00:16:09,210 --> 00:16:12,770 grateful for it now. Well, what daily or 264 00:16:12,770 --> 00:16:15,330 weekly habits have helped you grow as a leader. 265 00:16:17,370 --> 00:16:21,210 Daily having courageous conversations with a heart 266 00:16:21,210 --> 00:16:24,810 of peace that I'm 267 00:16:25,290 --> 00:16:29,130 not procrastinating on. I'm looking for the right time to have them. 268 00:16:29,450 --> 00:16:32,970 But I go in with a willingness to have those 269 00:16:32,970 --> 00:16:36,690 conversations. And that can be with a client, that can be 270 00:16:36,690 --> 00:16:40,450 with someone that's a potential employee, that can be with somebody that is an 271 00:16:40,450 --> 00:16:44,220 employee that can be with somebody. I'm close to a friend. But 272 00:16:44,540 --> 00:16:48,100 to err on the side of saying, hey, I'm going to ask a question to 273 00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:51,780 get clarity because questions can be triggering for people when you ask them. But 274 00:16:51,780 --> 00:16:55,620 get, but being willing to ask that question in that situation and 275 00:16:55,620 --> 00:16:58,700 then to 276 00:16:59,740 --> 00:17:03,580 be prepared for it too. So I find that if I 277 00:17:03,580 --> 00:17:07,260 know that I'm going to go down the path of having those harder 278 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:10,240 conversations with people and, and I have one friend that says 279 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,880 quality of your business. He's told me before is just keep having the hard 280 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:18,600 conversations. Keep having the difficult conversations, like, oh great, you know, 281 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:21,440 because don't they end at some point where you don't have to have them? And 282 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:25,280 it's like, no, you don't. But you get more skilled at it and the people 283 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,160 around you know that it's going to be addressed. And people as a leader, they 284 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:31,800 see that you're the one who doesn't hide from dealing with the difficult 285 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:35,490 stuff. And, and if I go in with that, that, that mindset, 286 00:17:35,490 --> 00:17:39,090 that's a habit that I've been building and working on. Not perfectly, 287 00:17:39,090 --> 00:17:42,570 it's. I give myself on a scale 1 to 10, probably a 5 with that 288 00:17:42,570 --> 00:17:46,210 one. But it's making a difference because I, I know the 289 00:17:46,210 --> 00:17:49,770 quality of the direction of the business is, is greatly 290 00:17:49,770 --> 00:17:52,970 influenced by that. And the impact that I have on other people is influenced by 291 00:17:52,970 --> 00:17:56,810 that as well. Hard conversations and those are in, in a variety 292 00:17:56,810 --> 00:18:00,460 of formats. I mean with, with vendors, with potential clients, with. And 293 00:18:00,460 --> 00:18:04,140 it's every day they abound with employees, with employees. 294 00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:07,940 Right? Yeah. Right. So. So not airing to the side of just being 295 00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:11,740 reactive and not airing to the side of being passive, but being able to respond 296 00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:16,540 thoughtfully. So we correct it and then we worked better together 297 00:18:16,780 --> 00:18:20,460 because. Because it is this thing that. And this is my own hypocrisy because I 298 00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:24,300 can tell companies over and over again, like, you know, you grow 299 00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:27,950 and you're closeness and the 300 00:18:28,670 --> 00:18:32,430 cohesiveness of your team is going to go. It means directly 301 00:18:32,430 --> 00:18:36,190 resolving conflicts. So going through the conflict. And I have to practice 302 00:18:36,190 --> 00:18:39,990 that and continue to make that a habit. How 303 00:18:39,990 --> 00:18:43,470 do you stay grounded and confident? When leading during uncertain times, 304 00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:48,110 it's being prepared for it. So getting enough sleep, 305 00:18:48,750 --> 00:18:52,110 getting enough exercise, taking the time to read, 306 00:18:53,070 --> 00:18:56,670 taking the time to work on my spiritual life, having 307 00:18:56,670 --> 00:19:00,510 good friendships. I noticed that if I take time to 308 00:19:00,510 --> 00:19:04,270 rejuvenate on the weekends, I'm better when I come to 309 00:19:04,270 --> 00:19:07,990 work. I'm better when I talk to clients. I'm better when I engage in 310 00:19:07,990 --> 00:19:11,790 difficult conversations because I'm not bringing that baggage with me. So 311 00:19:12,030 --> 00:19:15,750 the daily action worksheet, which we did a podcast on, I think two or three 312 00:19:15,750 --> 00:19:19,230 episodes ago, practicing that, if I look at that and I 313 00:19:19,630 --> 00:19:23,070 channel my energy into seeing how I'm balancing my life, and it helps you to 314 00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:26,710 see what's good in your life, to get excited about things in your life, to 315 00:19:26,710 --> 00:19:29,110 see what you have to be excited about, to see what your wins are and 316 00:19:29,110 --> 00:19:32,710 reflect on those, I mean, that's essential. For me, I definitely notice 317 00:19:32,710 --> 00:19:36,350 a connection in the way that I can 318 00:19:36,750 --> 00:19:39,710 confidently go into leadership situations 319 00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:43,710 influencing people. And I get you are. You are a leader with your clients. 320 00:19:43,710 --> 00:19:47,520 I mean, you're not perfect, you're a fellow traveler, but they're 321 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,120 looking to you as somebody who can take them in the direction that they want 322 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,760 to go. So that company that I work with in their 323 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:58,240 leadership team is looking to me to help facilitate the discussions that help them stay 324 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,480 out of the drama and move towards and in the direction that they want to 325 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,920 head in. So pretty. Pretty key. Maybe really 326 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:08,600 the most essential, the most essential thing 327 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:12,440 and that I can think of is just my own personal, in my own 328 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,820 head perspective, kind of coming in with 329 00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:20,380 a good atom at a good place. Yeah. Yeah. And 330 00:20:20,380 --> 00:20:23,340 when I don't, you know, when I have a bad. In a. I can think 331 00:20:23,340 --> 00:20:26,580 of situations where I. Gosh, I come to work and I think I did not 332 00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:30,180 bring my best self here today. And it's because of the decisions I made last 333 00:20:30,180 --> 00:20:33,780 night, this weekend. And I shake it off and I can hopefully 334 00:20:33,780 --> 00:20:37,620 even see over time, usually not until the next day when I say, I'm 335 00:20:37,620 --> 00:20:40,300 not going to do that again. You know, I stayed up late one night before 336 00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:44,140 work, and it just wasn't a good decision. And I was celebrating having some hard 337 00:20:44,140 --> 00:20:47,930 work, client interactions, and they went well. And I'm like, I'm just gonna watch 338 00:20:47,930 --> 00:20:50,970 TV until midnight. You know, like, what am I thinking? I'm just gonna eat a 339 00:20:50,970 --> 00:20:54,530 big old bowl ice cream. In fact, not just one. I'm gonna have like three. 340 00:20:54,530 --> 00:20:58,370 And I'm thinking, dude, why Adam? You know, because it impacts my sleep. 341 00:20:58,370 --> 00:21:00,210 I mean, it's just Not a good thing for me to do, but I will 342 00:21:00,210 --> 00:21:04,050 do it. And then I have to, to live with that. But that can be 343 00:21:04,050 --> 00:21:07,170 used. That can be used. That does not mean that you can just say. Which 344 00:21:07,170 --> 00:21:10,710 I can do is say I can kind of not have to worry about how 345 00:21:10,710 --> 00:21:14,070 I spend my time on the weekends or what I do in my relationships. I 346 00:21:14,070 --> 00:21:16,270 don't have to worry about because it doesn't really impact the way I run a 347 00:21:16,270 --> 00:21:19,590 business. No, that's not true. It impacts me as a dad, a friend, 348 00:21:20,550 --> 00:21:24,190 every area of my life. How do you balance 349 00:21:24,190 --> 00:21:26,629 being decisive with being collaborative? 350 00:21:28,390 --> 00:21:31,510 Well, I can use, it can be a bow. It's a both and when it's 351 00:21:31,510 --> 00:21:34,230 healthy. So collaborate 352 00:21:35,270 --> 00:21:38,940 can also be an excuse. Where I abdicate is. I think 353 00:21:38,940 --> 00:21:42,420 that's the word. I give the decision to other people whose 354 00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:46,180 purpose, whose responsibility is not to make that 355 00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:50,020 decision. And so I have somebody to say, well, if it doesn't go 356 00:21:50,020 --> 00:21:53,579 well, I can say, you know, well, they were involved in that decision as well. 357 00:21:53,579 --> 00:21:57,220 But no, as a leader, the buck stops with you. You made that decision, 358 00:21:58,020 --> 00:22:01,820 you got some feedback. Hopefully you did collaborate, you were working 359 00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:05,100 as a team. I don't believe you just go and make decisions on your own 360 00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:08,860 without collaboration. That's a healthy way of making decisions. That's how 361 00:22:08,860 --> 00:22:12,020 you get buy in. That's how you get people to actually get excited about the 362 00:22:12,020 --> 00:22:15,500 decision being made. And so I can go to both extremes. I can be the 363 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:18,420 guy that just makes the decision sometimes because I want to, I want to think 364 00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:21,900 about it anymore, let's just make the call. Or I can be the guy that 365 00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:25,700 over collaborates just to not have to take responsibility for the decision. 366 00:22:25,700 --> 00:22:29,180 But if I meet in the middle where I'm getting feedback, getting asking good 367 00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:32,780 questions because sometimes it, it's 368 00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:36,540 important to not make a decision over time. I mean, 369 00:22:36,540 --> 00:22:40,380 and a lot of decisions are that way. But are you doing the work now 370 00:22:40,380 --> 00:22:44,140 to have the interactions that give you more information so that you can make 371 00:22:44,140 --> 00:22:47,860 that good decision? And that's the role of good collaboration. 372 00:22:48,260 --> 00:22:51,940 Consistently having those conversations and revisiting them and getting 373 00:22:51,940 --> 00:22:55,380 clarity, but me being willing to step into that. 374 00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:59,710 And that also means being willing to get opinions that differ 375 00:22:59,710 --> 00:23:03,350 from yours. So you have people around you that see things differently, that have a 376 00:23:03,350 --> 00:23:07,030 different approach. And you're willing to say we align enough that 377 00:23:07,270 --> 00:23:10,950 they're a great addition to the team. We, we align enough 378 00:23:10,950 --> 00:23:14,630 that even though they may not believe in themselves, I believe in them and 379 00:23:14,709 --> 00:23:18,510 their feedback. Their, their, their feedback 380 00:23:18,510 --> 00:23:22,270 might sometimes be, well, I mean 381 00:23:22,270 --> 00:23:25,510 it even could be that they, they bring some fear into their collaboration. You know, 382 00:23:25,510 --> 00:23:29,240 I know with my mom there are business decisions where 383 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:33,000 she doesn't bring her own personal stuff and she's just super 384 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:36,560 wise, like, like she can help me in certain 385 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:40,360 aspects and I go to her for encouragement frequently, more 386 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,800 so probably than ever. And there are some parts of my life that if I 387 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,640 ask her for collaboration, so feedback, I know that it's going to fill, 388 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:51,120 it's going to feed fears in me. So you have to be very kind of 389 00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:54,780 careful who you go to with your goals, you know, with, with your 390 00:23:54,780 --> 00:23:58,620 fears. But it's been really encouraging to see like man, 391 00:23:58,620 --> 00:24:02,300 she's a great like business advisor and that's been just at age 392 00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:06,020 51 I'm seeing this stuff because I would go and sort of put 393 00:24:06,020 --> 00:24:09,780 it all in the same bucket that, that, that fear and she'll admit 394 00:24:09,780 --> 00:24:13,420 it. I mean she'll admit certain fears and they're not business related actually, they're, 395 00:24:13,420 --> 00:24:17,020 they're more personal things that could be fear 396 00:24:17,020 --> 00:24:19,820 based. And to have that wisdom, to step back from it and see it for 397 00:24:19,820 --> 00:24:23,320 what it is is really empowering, encouraging. Get excited about calling her. 398 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,680 That's super cool. Yeah. What role does self awareness 399 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:31,400 play in effective leadership? That's huge. 400 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,920 If you can't step back from yourself and see that 401 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,640 I am missing the mark here and be willing 402 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:43,400 to say I gotta correct that. I, if I want to go 403 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,840 to where I want to go in my personal professional life, then 404 00:24:47,330 --> 00:24:50,770 let's make some adjustments here. So being self aware enough that 405 00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:54,850 I'm late to meeting sometimes, being self aware enough that 406 00:24:56,370 --> 00:24:59,970 sometimes I can exaggerate and 407 00:24:59,970 --> 00:25:03,650 embellish has been really important to me. So I'll even make 408 00:25:03,650 --> 00:25:07,010 notes to myself sometimes that don't embellish. You know, 409 00:25:07,410 --> 00:25:11,250 don't oversell, don't. Yeah, it's an interview. I remember interviewing 410 00:25:11,250 --> 00:25:14,060 someone a couple weeks ago and I had put it on top, you know, don't 411 00:25:14,060 --> 00:25:17,860 embellish because I can do that and it's an over. It's like 412 00:25:17,860 --> 00:25:20,380 I'm very passionate about what I do and so I want them to be passionate 413 00:25:20,380 --> 00:25:24,180 about it too. So I'll paint a picture. That embellishment to me can also just 414 00:25:24,180 --> 00:25:27,980 be leaving out some of the stuff. You're not lying, but 415 00:25:28,060 --> 00:25:31,780 you're misleading because you're leaving out some of the stuff that's really 416 00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:35,100 important to give context to that specific situation. 417 00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:39,990 So that's, that's a self awareness thing. 418 00:25:40,950 --> 00:25:44,710 Gaining self awareness. What do great leaders do that struggling leaders 419 00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:47,910 often Overlook. I find that great leaders are 420 00:25:47,910 --> 00:25:51,270 consistently putting energy into their 421 00:25:51,270 --> 00:25:54,990 perspective that I know I can't do this 422 00:25:54,990 --> 00:25:58,590 on my own and I know I can't think clearly about the situation with just 423 00:25:58,590 --> 00:26:02,230 my own thinking. My own thinking is not going to always be healthy because 424 00:26:02,230 --> 00:26:06,050 my past and my fears are in intermixed with that. And so 425 00:26:06,130 --> 00:26:09,890 they find ways to get a healthy perspective about the situation. 426 00:26:10,610 --> 00:26:14,450 So for, for me personally I have to talk to a lot 427 00:26:14,450 --> 00:26:18,050 of different friends that own businesses. That, and that's been a huge change in my 428 00:26:18,050 --> 00:26:21,450 life over the last two, two and a half years is having a network of 429 00:26:21,450 --> 00:26:25,210 people that I can share my fears with and they can 430 00:26:25,210 --> 00:26:28,730 give me perspective on it. And then the, the 431 00:26:28,730 --> 00:26:31,890 reverse happens too. They can share with me and I give them my perspective. And 432 00:26:31,890 --> 00:26:35,360 we're all in different industries which I find really cool because sometimes 433 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:39,080 with the same industry some people have the same fears and I find they can 434 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:42,160 add it or make you feel like you're not doing it right. But there's so 435 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,760 much universal crossover in industries that having 436 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:49,559 somebody outside, which is so cool for me too because all the stuff that 437 00:26:49,559 --> 00:26:53,280 we do at Decide youe Legacy is not in our industry. So we're 438 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:57,120 not actually helping other coaching companies. We're helping 439 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,840 medical practices and, and manufacturing 440 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:05,600 companies and companies that do 441 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:09,440 construction and different industries that I don't 442 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:12,520 know anything about. You know, it's like I don't know and that's a really great 443 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:16,359 thing because I can't give direct advice on their industry but I can have 444 00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:19,840 this outside perspective that doesn't have their specific 445 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:23,440 fears involved. Yeah, that gives them. 446 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:27,320 And sometimes that frustrates people too because they want to know like do this, do 447 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:31,140 this, go. Here's a five step process to fix your business. But I don't ever 448 00:27:31,140 --> 00:27:34,860 find that really motivating and helpful for people because generally they have 449 00:27:34,860 --> 00:27:37,980 plenty of knowledge, they have plenty of expertise and they know where to actually get 450 00:27:37,980 --> 00:27:41,780 that expertise. And it's not through, it's not through what we 451 00:27:41,780 --> 00:27:45,420 offer with, with coaching to the leadership team. It's not that. 452 00:27:45,420 --> 00:27:49,100 It's, it's some, it's a book, it's a, it's a process and it's well 453 00:27:49,100 --> 00:27:52,740 worth the investment of their time and energy to get that sort of expertise. 454 00:27:52,820 --> 00:27:55,500 But what we do is actually help them step back from it and have a 455 00:27:55,500 --> 00:27:59,230 clear, non biased, non industry related 456 00:27:59,390 --> 00:28:02,750 perspective. This is what they know will work and they get that clarity in the 457 00:28:02,750 --> 00:28:06,430 process. Really that's what I see. I see leaders 458 00:28:06,430 --> 00:28:10,230 doing and, and I find so Those are really people that are 459 00:28:10,230 --> 00:28:13,630 great leaders. I find that they, they find out where they can go and get 460 00:28:13,630 --> 00:28:17,310 great advice and they're careful to not get it from a 461 00:28:17,310 --> 00:28:20,830 fearful person and a biased perspective 462 00:28:21,150 --> 00:28:24,340 that doesn't have the whole picture in mind. Right. Yeah. 463 00:28:25,060 --> 00:28:28,580 Well, how do you help others rise into leadership roles? You 464 00:28:28,580 --> 00:28:32,300 trust them like you. The 465 00:28:32,300 --> 00:28:36,100 more that the, the more, 466 00:28:36,980 --> 00:28:40,180 the less I trust a situation, a person, 467 00:28:40,820 --> 00:28:44,580 the, the more I try to control and, and say this is 468 00:28:44,580 --> 00:28:48,340 how it should be done and this is what should happen here. And then 469 00:28:48,420 --> 00:28:52,100 at some point it's just anxiety provoking. I mean, control and 470 00:28:52,100 --> 00:28:55,780 anxiety just go hand in hand. Is a different kind of anxiety when you 471 00:28:55,780 --> 00:28:59,500 relinquish control. It's this excitement type of anxiety. Which 472 00:28:59,500 --> 00:29:03,300 anxiety are very similar. I mean the way the part of your brain, just 473 00:29:03,300 --> 00:29:06,380 how they impact you, just the 474 00:29:06,620 --> 00:29:10,380 hormonal impact. I mean the positive and negative can be very, 475 00:29:10,540 --> 00:29:14,380 very similar in a lot of, in a lot of regards, but they are very 476 00:29:14,380 --> 00:29:18,150 different in the energy that they give people and the 477 00:29:18,710 --> 00:29:22,150 desire to go and act and face that thing. So, 478 00:29:22,550 --> 00:29:26,310 so when I, when I, when I trust somebody and they, 479 00:29:26,310 --> 00:29:29,710 they see that I believe in them and that can be a client, that could 480 00:29:29,710 --> 00:29:33,470 be a, an employee, that can be somebody in my family, it can 481 00:29:33,470 --> 00:29:36,870 be a friend and you realize how much they have to offer. 482 00:29:37,590 --> 00:29:40,910 So in this business networking group, I see a lot of this too, because people 483 00:29:40,910 --> 00:29:44,750 will, will share. And I remember somebody with me at some point, 484 00:29:44,750 --> 00:29:48,470 they said, man, you have what it takes. Like, look at, look at what 485 00:29:48,470 --> 00:29:51,430 you're doing. Look at, he's. I would get down on myself saying, you know, this 486 00:29:51,430 --> 00:29:54,750 didn't go well, that didn't go well. You know, whatever. I mean, so maybe I'm 487 00:29:54,750 --> 00:29:57,469 sharing too much information here, but I mean, I share that because that can be 488 00:29:57,469 --> 00:30:00,510 encouraging to people because you have moments where you just don't feel like you're, 489 00:30:01,470 --> 00:30:05,030 you're, you're helping people as much as you want to. And then that, that 490 00:30:05,030 --> 00:30:08,600 outsider saying, you know, I, you, dude, you're selling yourself 491 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:12,400 short. You're offering a great service. I mean this is impacting people's lives 492 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:16,120 and their futures. And then that can sink into me and it's a kick in 493 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,760 the butt that's like, man, you know, that anxiety turns into 494 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,680 energy to push forward. It makes it really worth it. 495 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:27,360 Yep. How do you handle conflict or resistance 496 00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:31,160 on a team? You accept that it's going 497 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,720 to happen. I, I feel like a lot of conflicts 498 00:30:34,910 --> 00:30:38,670 that by accepting it is validating it. I can see you're frustrated by this. 499 00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:42,430 I can see you have some discouragement with this. I 500 00:30:42,430 --> 00:30:46,150 can see you don't like this. You're validating it and you're giving 501 00:30:46,150 --> 00:30:49,390 credence to it. You're actually realizing that's real to them 502 00:30:50,030 --> 00:30:53,470 and that's okay that they feel that way. And it's also okay, okay that you 503 00:30:53,470 --> 00:30:57,150 feel the way you do. So it doesn't have to be this 504 00:30:57,150 --> 00:31:00,990 deal breaker type thing that you can go through this, that you can 505 00:31:00,990 --> 00:31:04,790 actually navigate through it and see that there's something good at the other 506 00:31:04,790 --> 00:31:08,430 end. And then you hear what their 507 00:31:08,430 --> 00:31:11,910 perspective is. Because the meaning behind the conflict may be different 508 00:31:12,870 --> 00:31:16,589 than the presenting issue. And in 509 00:31:16,589 --> 00:31:19,910 that situation where somebody, let's say you have conflict over their 510 00:31:19,910 --> 00:31:23,710 punctuality or the way they dress at work or their attitude at 511 00:31:23,710 --> 00:31:27,270 work, or a variety of things that you could get frustrated about 512 00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:31,080 and that could lead to some conflict. Conflict, meaning just some tension related to that 513 00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:34,720 issue. And if you explore it with some curiosity, you realize it's not 514 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:37,880 really punctuality that's the sim. That's the, 515 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:42,320 that's the external manifestation of a deeper 516 00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:46,040 issue. And maybe they don't feel trusted and maybe they don't feel 517 00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:49,440 like you're clear enough on the expectations that need to be 518 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:53,120 clearer. Maybe it doesn't mean that they're going to just resist 519 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:56,930 it from this point forward. It doesn't mean that they're not going to change. But 520 00:31:56,930 --> 00:32:00,490 if you're willing to see it as an opportunity, it's like when you, 521 00:32:00,810 --> 00:32:04,530 when you deal with objections from other people that might be your, an 522 00:32:04,530 --> 00:32:07,610 employee or a customer, and you can see those 523 00:32:08,250 --> 00:32:12,090 as actual opportunities to go deeper and 524 00:32:12,090 --> 00:32:15,210 explore what was missing in your presentation. What was missing 525 00:32:15,690 --> 00:32:19,450 in that situation. I mean, you don't, you don't push it to the nth 526 00:32:19,450 --> 00:32:23,230 degree. I mean, there's a tact to it. Yeah, but 527 00:32:23,230 --> 00:32:26,270 you're, you're sensing that there's something deeper behind it. So you see it as a 528 00:32:26,270 --> 00:32:30,110 great opportunity to go deeper. And conflict is like that. It's, 529 00:32:30,110 --> 00:32:33,670 it's almost where you want to. And I've heard Patrick 530 00:32:33,670 --> 00:32:37,070 Lincione talk about in the Advantage, the concept of mining for 531 00:32:37,070 --> 00:32:40,870 conflict. So you're bringing it to the surface so that it's 532 00:32:40,870 --> 00:32:42,990 addressed and then it doesn't mean 533 00:32:44,350 --> 00:32:47,230 it's completely resolved in that situation, but it's not 534 00:32:48,660 --> 00:32:51,860 avoided. And now you see what the real 535 00:32:51,940 --> 00:32:55,700 elephant issue actually is so that you can solve it and it doesn't 536 00:32:55,700 --> 00:32:58,580 become this other issue and another issue or manifest 537 00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:02,900 externally in some other form of resistance because you're giving credence 538 00:33:02,900 --> 00:33:06,380 to it. And what I find is that over time, if you have a long 539 00:33:06,380 --> 00:33:09,460 game over time, you influence people 540 00:33:10,260 --> 00:33:13,900 in a way that moves the organization in the right direction because you're willing to 541 00:33:13,900 --> 00:33:17,410 actually sit and address and, and be still with the 542 00:33:17,410 --> 00:33:21,170 conflict, to feel your discomfort and to stay with it or to make or to 543 00:33:21,170 --> 00:33:24,130 redirect it to a better time and a place. That's all kinds of things you 544 00:33:24,130 --> 00:33:27,450 can do, but to not get consumed by it to where it immobilizes you and 545 00:33:27,450 --> 00:33:31,050 you avoid it. Yeah. What have you 546 00:33:31,050 --> 00:33:33,690 learned about building trust in relationships? 547 00:33:34,890 --> 00:33:38,250 Well, I've already alluded to that a little bit here. So like trust comes from 548 00:33:38,250 --> 00:33:41,970 proximity because you're exposed to somebody, so you see evidence of their 549 00:33:41,970 --> 00:33:45,650 trustworthiness because consistency over time builds trust. And that 550 00:33:45,650 --> 00:33:49,190 proximity expos you to conflict and that conflict and how they handle it over 551 00:33:49,190 --> 00:33:52,790 time starts to build trust because people know what they're getting. They know whether you're 552 00:33:52,790 --> 00:33:56,190 somebody who can handle it or somebody who will run away from it and get 553 00:33:56,190 --> 00:33:59,910 defensive. And that defensiveness that you get from people, 554 00:33:59,990 --> 00:34:03,350 which I can be around a lot of defensive people. I mean, 555 00:34:03,350 --> 00:34:06,790 defensiveness from clients, defensiveness from 556 00:34:07,190 --> 00:34:10,030 family, defense. I mean, I've been around a lot of defensive people. I mean, there's 557 00:34:10,030 --> 00:34:12,880 been some situations in my life that have. Have just been 558 00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:16,640 tremendously conflictual and you 559 00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:20,360 know, like. And so I can even have a mindset that it's 560 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:24,080 going to be a defensive response when I address something and that's not healthy 561 00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:27,840 because I'm setting an expectation that's not good right from the get go. 562 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:32,480 And so I had a friend recently say that he asked 563 00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:35,920 his daughter to do things with him frequently. And 564 00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:40,530 she's a teenager and they have a, from what I can tell, 565 00:34:40,530 --> 00:34:43,850 a pretty good relationship. But he gets discouraged because he asked her to go and 566 00:34:43,850 --> 00:34:46,810 play golf and to go on a walk and to go out to eat, to 567 00:34:46,810 --> 00:34:50,650 do things that she does like doing and she does do with her other, with 568 00:34:50,650 --> 00:34:54,090 her friends and with other family members and everything. But she 569 00:34:54,090 --> 00:34:57,810 seems to say no to him. And there's been this pattern and, 570 00:34:57,970 --> 00:35:01,690 and one of his other friends, not me, I didn't actually say this, but I 571 00:35:01,690 --> 00:35:05,490 know another good friend of his said, well, you know, how's your heart when you 572 00:35:05,490 --> 00:35:08,810 go into asking and how much 573 00:35:09,290 --> 00:35:13,050 do you think you convey and communicate in the way that you ask? And his 574 00:35:13,050 --> 00:35:16,690 response was like, he feels like his heart is good. Like. And he was frustrated 575 00:35:16,690 --> 00:35:19,610 and we talked about it because he felt like, well, I'm just asking and I'm 576 00:35:19,610 --> 00:35:23,210 not putting pressure and I'm not saying if you don't do this, I'm not going 577 00:35:23,210 --> 00:35:26,210 to, you know, want to spend time. Nothing like that at all. But he was 578 00:35:26,210 --> 00:35:30,010 checking his orientation towards her 579 00:35:30,330 --> 00:35:33,620 and that, that 580 00:35:34,420 --> 00:35:38,020 your, your attitude towards somebody builds trust. So, 581 00:35:38,260 --> 00:35:40,780 so. And I don't know, I'm not in those situations. I don't know whether or 582 00:35:40,780 --> 00:35:44,220 not he was doing it right or doing it wrong. But in the conversation he 583 00:35:44,220 --> 00:35:47,620 was exploring, getting some self awareness, saying, well, may maybe I am 584 00:35:48,180 --> 00:35:51,420 going and already thinking it's not going to go well. And I'm carrying that to 585 00:35:51,420 --> 00:35:54,940 that interaction which could impact the way people trust somebody 586 00:35:54,940 --> 00:35:58,110 else. Yeah, because you're already coming in with some. An 587 00:35:58,350 --> 00:36:02,110 aura of defensiveness which, which I know I can do. 588 00:36:02,110 --> 00:36:05,630 I know I can do that for sure. And I haven't still figured out 589 00:36:05,630 --> 00:36:08,510 completely how to do it except to try and understand where people are coming from. 590 00:36:08,670 --> 00:36:12,110 If I do step back and say, hey, this is what we're dealing with here 591 00:36:12,510 --> 00:36:16,350 and it's okay, it's because that's their situation. And I. 592 00:36:16,750 --> 00:36:20,550 How am I being challenged in this situation? If you can see your fears, if 593 00:36:20,550 --> 00:36:23,830 you can view your discomfort with gratitude because it reveals the work that you can 594 00:36:23,830 --> 00:36:26,030 do to grow, that's pretty powerful. 595 00:36:28,350 --> 00:36:30,910 What kind of legacy do you want to leave as a leader? 596 00:36:32,990 --> 00:36:36,350 That, that and this. This comes down to really two big 597 00:36:36,350 --> 00:36:40,190 leadership concepts that I want to summarize in, in this episode. 598 00:36:40,190 --> 00:36:43,990 If I could sum up the two things that I believe are 599 00:36:43,990 --> 00:36:47,550 really impactful that I'm learning. And I really say that 600 00:36:47,550 --> 00:36:50,790 as a key is learning is that, is that 601 00:36:51,270 --> 00:36:54,790 a really good leader is able to 602 00:36:55,030 --> 00:36:58,790 pull that team, that person, help that person, 603 00:36:59,270 --> 00:37:02,790 not by force, but through influence, through building a relationship, 604 00:37:03,110 --> 00:37:06,630 through building a relationship with other people around them. Not by correcting. 605 00:37:07,270 --> 00:37:10,830 That's probably the least effective thing you can do as a leader, correcting and 606 00:37:10,830 --> 00:37:14,630 teaching, but by listening and primarily by building a connection. 607 00:37:14,630 --> 00:37:18,070 By building a connection, by learning, by engaging, by asking questions. 608 00:37:18,230 --> 00:37:21,200 I want that to be my legacy. That I pulled them out of the drama 609 00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:24,720 in their own heads. Because I believe most external conflict is a, is a 610 00:37:24,720 --> 00:37:28,200 manifestation of internal conflict. Not not being comfortable with who you are 611 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:31,440 inside, not being comfortable in your own skin. And that comes out. 612 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:35,360 And so if I can be remembered as somebody that pulled these, these 613 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:38,960 families, these teams, I've done it. I mean, 25 years of family, therapist, being a 614 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:42,560 lot of conflict that you get to see, but being pulled out and that the 615 00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:46,240 second thing is that I. I want to leave a legacy, that I'm willing to 616 00:37:46,240 --> 00:37:50,040 go first, that I'm willing to go and do the hard thing first. So we. 617 00:37:50,110 --> 00:37:53,950 Whether that's in the. Having the hard conversations, 618 00:37:54,110 --> 00:37:57,750 being willing to change my lifestyle based on what's hard to 619 00:37:57,750 --> 00:38:01,590 do uncomfortable things, to be willing to make 620 00:38:01,590 --> 00:38:05,270 the call when it's hard to have the conversation, when it's hard to do the 621 00:38:05,270 --> 00:38:08,910 scary thing. I'm not, I mean, emotionally scary thing. And 622 00:38:09,630 --> 00:38:13,430 that's never going to go away. It's always going to present opportunities, which 623 00:38:13,430 --> 00:38:16,510 is kind of exciting because every day's a new day where I can 624 00:38:17,540 --> 00:38:20,580 live that legacy I want to leave there. 625 00:38:21,220 --> 00:38:24,620 And, and that that's going to influence them more than anything because that's going to 626 00:38:24,620 --> 00:38:28,340 build some connection and I'm being watched. Leaders are conscious 627 00:38:28,740 --> 00:38:32,380 of the fact that they are being watched by other 628 00:38:32,380 --> 00:38:36,220 people. So their behavior does have an impact, even though they get no validation for 629 00:38:36,220 --> 00:38:38,100 it necessarily at the. In the moment. Especially. 630 00:38:40,420 --> 00:38:44,180 What mistake or challenge has taught you the most about leadership. 631 00:38:44,540 --> 00:38:48,260 Definitely looking back and saying, I played it safe there. I 632 00:38:48,260 --> 00:38:51,900 didn't do that thing that I know was a good thing that I can 633 00:38:51,900 --> 00:38:55,700 do, could do. I decided not to do it and be stuck 634 00:38:55,700 --> 00:38:59,380 in my head. And perfectionism, procrastination, they go hand 635 00:38:59,380 --> 00:39:02,460 in hand. I've just been stuck in that, refining, refining 636 00:39:03,100 --> 00:39:06,660 all that. And to look back and say, you know what? I just did it. 637 00:39:06,660 --> 00:39:10,500 When I just made the call, when I just had the conversation, when I 638 00:39:10,500 --> 00:39:14,070 just challenged the client, when I just shot straight and I brought up that 639 00:39:14,070 --> 00:39:17,750 topic, that was some inconsistency that I'm seeing because 640 00:39:17,750 --> 00:39:20,910 I'm leading them out of the drama towards where they want to go. 641 00:39:22,190 --> 00:39:25,550 And knowing when I didn't do that, that's hard for me. That's hard for me 642 00:39:25,550 --> 00:39:28,390 to sit back and go home at the end of the day and say, I 643 00:39:28,390 --> 00:39:32,070 could have done better there. But it's also great because then I 644 00:39:32,070 --> 00:39:35,870 learned through those moments. So it teaches me 645 00:39:36,350 --> 00:39:39,960 every day what I could have done differently and do I want to learn those 646 00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:43,760 lessons. That's the challenge too, is from. Is is being willing to sit 647 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:46,680 with that discomfort that I didn't do what I wanted to do today, but I 648 00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:50,080 can do it tomorrow. And I know when I leave at the end of the 649 00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:53,800 day that when I've done these things that are hard, that I'm going to feel 650 00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:57,640 a different level of energy and also want to do more of them. Because I 651 00:39:57,640 --> 00:39:59,960 notice that on those productive Days when I'm doing the stuff that I know I 652 00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:02,200 need to do as a leader, then I wanted to do more of it. More 653 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:05,280 of it, more. Because I know how much energy that actually gives me. It's a 654 00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:08,950 really great kind of energy that you face something that's nothing like that 655 00:40:08,950 --> 00:40:12,750 when you've done something that you have faced emotionally and you feel 656 00:40:12,750 --> 00:40:15,510 good about it, you know. And for me, where I'm growing now is that is 657 00:40:15,510 --> 00:40:19,350 trusting people. That's a. The main thing is learning how to trust. That's been my 658 00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:23,190 big lesson, that. Learning how to trust again over the last three years. I 659 00:40:23,190 --> 00:40:26,790 would say that's been huge for me. Big, big deal. That is 660 00:40:26,790 --> 00:40:29,630 putting myself. Yeah, it's hard. And putting myself in situations where I have to trust 661 00:40:29,630 --> 00:40:33,150 people. And then sometimes there's situations where, where they just 662 00:40:33,150 --> 00:40:36,550 remind me of situations where I've been burned in the past. So it's like, oh, 663 00:40:36,790 --> 00:40:40,550 yeah, yeah, yeah. So. But it, it's, 664 00:40:40,550 --> 00:40:44,070 it's super helpful to, to, 665 00:40:44,070 --> 00:40:47,670 to be able to reflect on that and see the good stuff, to see the 666 00:40:47,670 --> 00:40:51,430 gains in that. What's one small action 667 00:40:51,510 --> 00:40:54,390 someone can take today to become a better leader? 668 00:40:55,430 --> 00:40:59,240 You can start today by, by going 669 00:40:59,240 --> 00:41:02,760 first. And what I mean is that you can make a 670 00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:06,400 commitment. I like to write it down somewhere 671 00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:10,440 where I see myself write it down. I tell myself that if I hand write 672 00:41:10,440 --> 00:41:13,639 it, it's going to stick in my brain more because it's going through my hand 673 00:41:13,639 --> 00:41:17,040 to my brain, and there's something about that. And I don't have no idea whether 674 00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:20,320 that's really true because it's not what I always do when I make a commitment. 675 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:23,920 But I do find myself, even if it's something where I'm making a list 676 00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:27,640 and I'm writing out and typing out this, this, 677 00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:31,960 this thing I'm afraid of, it's given a presentation or having a 678 00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:35,720 courageous conversation, when I still write it down, handwrite it, like, I'm going 679 00:41:35,720 --> 00:41:39,320 to do this, help me. Then I find that it 680 00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:42,920 actually sticks better. So where your fear is, there 681 00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:45,720 lies your task. Carl Hung. I mean, where your fear is. So what am I 682 00:41:45,720 --> 00:41:48,600 going to. What am I going to do? I mean, you're. You today are taking 683 00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:51,640 a big step of faith because I know that. 684 00:41:52,260 --> 00:41:55,860 I believe Kelsey. I know that you can do something 685 00:41:56,100 --> 00:41:59,940 like interview me. I know you can do things that are. And you do. I 686 00:41:59,940 --> 00:42:02,020 see you do a lot of courageous things. I've seen you do a ton of 687 00:42:02,020 --> 00:42:05,580 courageous things in your life and continue to be willing to say 688 00:42:05,580 --> 00:42:08,940 yes. So that's the same thing I would challenge everybody else is to say yes 689 00:42:08,940 --> 00:42:11,660 to that thing that you know would be a good thing for you to do 690 00:42:11,660 --> 00:42:14,900 that could get you to the next level. Yes. Just like you've done today. You 691 00:42:14,900 --> 00:42:18,740 said yes and you did it. And, and that's a really exciting 692 00:42:18,740 --> 00:42:22,340 thing. So I wanted to go ahead and summarize, kind of 693 00:42:22,340 --> 00:42:25,100 wrapping it up. If you if you found this podcast helpful 694 00:42:25,980 --> 00:42:29,780 on leadership, you'll find Shatterproof Yourself Light a 695 00:42:29,780 --> 00:42:33,420 meaningful exercise. You go through a 25 minute video 696 00:42:33,580 --> 00:42:36,900 and it's broken down on the Decide youe Legacy app in little sections that are 697 00:42:36,900 --> 00:42:40,620 manageable. And then you complete a worksheet that goes with it. It's seven small 698 00:42:40,620 --> 00:42:44,300 steps to a giant leap in your mental health. These are actions, simple 699 00:42:44,300 --> 00:42:47,860 actions I believe leaders want to do and can do things fast 700 00:42:48,580 --> 00:42:52,260 and in a simplified format. So you just jot 701 00:42:52,260 --> 00:42:56,020 down your answers, things that come to mind on this worksheet, and 702 00:42:56,020 --> 00:42:59,820 you're going to find it impactful to you and your perspective and 703 00:42:59,820 --> 00:43:03,620 your belief in yourself. So you want to hit the link to check out 704 00:43:03,620 --> 00:43:07,260 Shatterproof Yourself Light and it's going to guide you through that worksheet and give you 705 00:43:07,260 --> 00:43:11,070 some really inspiring actions you can take starting 706 00:43:11,070 --> 00:43:14,910 today. And in addition to that, if there's something that's resonated 707 00:43:14,910 --> 00:43:18,710 with you today, and I know there probably is, related to leadership and 708 00:43:18,710 --> 00:43:22,430 influence, I want you to make it your mission 709 00:43:22,430 --> 00:43:25,150 that by the end of the day you're going to apply something that you've learned. 710 00:43:25,310 --> 00:43:28,750 So, and even if it's a mindset shift, that I have influence there and I 711 00:43:28,750 --> 00:43:32,030 have a lot to offer in that situation and I can take that step and 712 00:43:32,030 --> 00:43:34,790 I can go first in that situation. I'm going to go first. I'm going to 713 00:43:34,790 --> 00:43:38,280 commit today. So make a commitment. Because 714 00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:41,800 change happens when we take action. 80% of transformational change 715 00:43:42,200 --> 00:43:45,840 is taking an action. 20% is insight. Don't get stuck in 716 00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:49,360 insight that's not nearly as impactful as the action. You need some insight. You get 717 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,400 some clarity. You get those moments where it's like, that would work for me. And 718 00:43:52,400 --> 00:43:54,840 you had some of those today, but you got to take action on that for 719 00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:58,600 it to actually stick. So I want to summarize these two big leadership concepts from 720 00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:01,560 today. One is that leaders pull people out of the drama, 721 00:44:02,220 --> 00:44:06,020 towards the progress, towards the vision, towards that ideal. Help them to 722 00:44:06,020 --> 00:44:09,660 get there one step at a time and challenge them to get out of that. 723 00:44:09,660 --> 00:44:13,500 Point them to it. Don't necessarily bluntly say you're in drama. Get out of the 724 00:44:13,500 --> 00:44:17,300 drama. No, it's like, hey, ask questions that get them out towards and that 725 00:44:17,300 --> 00:44:20,540 can you just be just healthy, Good old healthy. Deflection 726 00:44:20,860 --> 00:44:24,380 can pull people out of drama because people are stuck in that. You as a 727 00:44:24,380 --> 00:44:27,460 leader can pull them out of that. And then leaders go first. They're willing to 728 00:44:27,460 --> 00:44:30,910 be seen and their actions are influencing their kids, their 729 00:44:30,910 --> 00:44:34,030 spouse, their team, their company, their community. 730 00:44:34,670 --> 00:44:38,110 All kinds of people that can motivate you. So remember those two lessons. So 731 00:44:38,270 --> 00:44:41,990 nothing will make my day and inspire me more than if you 732 00:44:41,990 --> 00:44:45,230 share with me some action that you applied from this 733 00:44:45,310 --> 00:44:49,030 podcast today. Take action and follow to side your legacy. Give us a rating 734 00:44:49,030 --> 00:44:52,750 and review Apple, Spotify, check us out on YouTube. We're going to give you 735 00:44:52,830 --> 00:44:56,190 some other meaningful, valuable content if you check out that content as well. 736 00:44:56,510 --> 00:45:00,180 So to decide means to eliminate other options. You all 737 00:45:00,180 --> 00:45:03,900 have so many decisions you can make. Leaders make a lot of decisions every day. 738 00:45:04,220 --> 00:45:07,980 You decide by saying, that's the best choice for me to make 739 00:45:07,980 --> 00:45:11,660 today. Your legacy is the impact that your life has on other 740 00:45:11,820 --> 00:45:15,540 people. It's not about you. It's about the impact you can 741 00:45:15,540 --> 00:45:19,180 have on other people's lives. You decide your legacy today. 742 00:45:19,660 --> 00:45:23,420 Your legacy is going to be impacted greatly by the decisions that you 743 00:45:23,420 --> 00:45:26,860 make. So live the life today that you want to be remembered for 10 years 744 00:45:26,860 --> 00:45:30,170 after you're gone. You 745 00:45:30,330 --> 00:45:33,850 decide your legacy, nobody else. I appreciate you greatly 746 00:45:33,850 --> 00:45:35,210 and I'll see you next time.