well
hello all you beautiful people
you know what time it is
[Music]
ladies and gents
guys and dolls and everyone in between
gather round
get you something real nice to sip on
and comfy to slip on
because it's time
for smut club
here's your hosts chelsea and hannah
[Applause]
hey everybody welcome to smug club i'm
hannah i'm chelsea thanks for joining us
today uh welcome to smug club
yes we're we're glad you're here we've
got a joint review for you today of
um like a bonnie and clyde-esque smut
book is that how you would describe it
yeah i would describe it that way
it is bonnie and clyde-esque um it is
confessed by nicola rendell
um and it is a
journey
took the word out of my head
yes it's a journey
wow and like so i read this for the
first time
i think early on and the pandemic
and i mean it's a fun journey
there's parts of the journey that i
could do without reliving but like i
it's a it's a fun journey we'll get into
it but yeah when i was going through and
outlining this i was like man
yeah there were some things i forgot in
this journey yep
same and some things i'd like to forget
yep in this journey but we can't they're
imprinted into our minds and now we've
outlined them and we're gonna share them
with you so now they're in writing not
just the author's writing but in our
outline writing as well yep so buckle in
everybody yeah here we go so and this is
this one is dual point of view yep
sometimes it's pertinent to say who's
point of view sometimes yeah
sometimes we'll just go on the journey
so we start with vince yes vince russo
yes so it opens with him basically
immediately following a car accident and
he's kind of like
a little dazed and confused he has run
his truck into a tree someone hit him
someone rear-ended him
um and he my notes say he's wicked
pissed
um
because he had stolen this vehicle from
a walmart or something
like a half hour before right barely got
any use out of his freshly stolen
vehicle exactly before he was running
off the road but then he sees the chick
who ran him off the road and he's like
hot damn
uh
okay it is like insta lust
he like describes there's like marilyn
monroe-esque with her curves and it's
like
he goes from being pissed to like kind
of being a little annoyed but he's like
almost in a way where it's like she's
hot enough that
yeah
that it's okay she's feisty she smells
like peaches he does have the thought if
she were a brunette i'd be [ __ ] and
that is relevant later
um
and
yeah he has definitely done time and so
he's like
no cops and she's like okay
no cops yeah like she's very agreeable
to no cops which we'll learn in a little
bit why she's super agreeable to no cops
but for now she's like okay i'm so sorry
yeah let's not get police or insurance
involved she also
frequently gets into car accidents she's
kind of flighty and like
a very distracted driver
um so she's she's kind of used to this
and
ultimately is like i'm so sorry
um
like we can call a tow truck at the very
least and he's like we don't need to tow
truck but he's also like not gonna tell
her he stole the car so they don't need
a tow truck um
at the very least she's like let me
offer you a ride to the motel or a motel
there's one relatively nearby and
that's the least i can do since
i ran you off the road i'm so sorry
and he's like that sounds great so he
goes to
the truck to grab his bag and wipe down
his fingerprints
um and then as he's walking back he
hears the sound and apparently there's a
moment where he was like the truck's
gonna explode and so he like tackles her
to the ground
and they land together in the dirt and
then he like
sniffs
because she smells really good and then
she's like
are you giving me eskimo
kisses yep and he's like i'm just
checking for injuries and she's like by
like sniffing my face
it is pretty
amusing how all of that shakes out
um but he very much is enjoying being
all up on her body um and he's like
what's your name and she says lucy but
everyone calls me helen and he's like oh
okay and he's like she seems like a
shitty liar
but then he's also like cool i'm vince
and he's like damn it i gave my real
name too like neither of them seem great
at
the not espionage
yeah we're a little flustered with the
con
the artisan
i'm
i'm a con artisan
it is artisanal conic
yep artisanal conning i'm like the
sourdough
of conic
a con artist
listen i've been working on my starter
for
like 10 years my
conning is very artisanal it's very
niche
but not niche enough that i can remember
to give a fake name
exactly so
lucy we then flashed back to 10 hours
earlier from lucy's point of view yes we
um we learned lucy is um the heiress to
a lunch meet empire um
birchette birchette birchette however
the hell we want to say it doesn't
matter
um and they are having a bit of an e
coli scandal um and also we find out
that the sec is looking into like
embezzlement charges and her her parents
like lucy comes from a very affluent
family obviously she's an heiress to a
meat a lunch meat empire yeah i would
call that a fluent um but it's not a
great home life her mom is like an
alcoholic and like popping xanax and her
dad's like you can't embezzle from your
own company can you
and she's like yeah dad you [ __ ] can
yeah so
she's just like i'm over this this is
not a great thing there's scandals on
scandals and
lucy then decides she like she goes to
the parent safe takes 20 grand in cash
out and is like i'm out and runs away
yep um she does say goodbye to her horse
peanut yes she has a little necklace
with a peanut on it because she loves
her horse
it's all very sweet
but then she hears on the radio or she
sees on the news she gets an alert on
her phone but there are 200 more cases
of e coli linked to her family's company
and so she gets distracted and she
reminds someone who turns out to be a
wicked hot dude with tattoos and dark
hair and she's super into that
vince vince for the clarification while
she has several car accidents in her
life there is only one today
yep so we heard vince's experience of
getting hit and her experience of
hitting vince yep um so then back to the
present
like vince is kind of like like what are
you doing and lucy's like going on a
solo road trip and he's like
okay really that
that doesn't
sound factual and then she's like he
like makes a joke about robbing her yeah
he's very obviously casing the vehicle
and like her as a mark and then he makes
a joke about robbing her and she's like
but he's is like super attracted to her
so it's this weird like they're like
flirting but he's also like sizing her
up and he's like
okay so she comes from money she's
driving what is like she's driving like
a bmw yeah bmw suv or something like
he's he's very clearly trying to put
these pieces together but is also like
she is
very hot
yeah and at this point we learn
um from his own thoughts he's running
from the russian mob
um and has several warrants out for his
arrest back east so that's why he is
driving west
um
and my notes the exact
words and my notes are she drives like
an absolute clown show and gives him a
heart attack
yeah great notes they really
they really cover everything there yep
um so they make it to the motel
and
my notes say comically intense chemistry
entering the motel lobby lucy
seductively sucks lollipop
yeah and there's only one room available
oh my stars so then while they are
waiting for the one room i would also
real fast
i thought it was really funny when she's
like okay well like and her hit or she
says like i can leave him here and like
i'll go get another hotel
and they're like
north east of knoxville right um
and
the
manager of the hotel's like i wouldn't
if i were you because of the holiday
weekend every hotel from here to memphis
is full and i'm like if you know
anything about tennessee geography
knoxville and memphis are not close no
um
and i'm like okay well like memphis is
like they're like six hours away from
each other yeah
like
like she could find a room
but why would she because he's working
the hustle
this old man at this motel to get them
to take this one room and so she does um
and then but they have to wait for the
room to be cleaned so vince is like hey
let me buy you dinner
there's a bar across the street i'm sure
they serve food
um and she is
um
a little suspicious and he is like don't
worry about it like i'm no trouble i
promise like i just want to buy she's
suspicious
my notes say she's suspicious and then
the direct quote is you look like you
could turn communion into a misdemeanor
yeah i didn't interpret that as
suspicion i was just like man she is way
too ready to dick down
it was my entire time she died anyway so
you know it does not take long to dick
down so yeah they go to the bar across
the street
vin starts ordering them shots
and burgers
like what did she did she asked for like
a cobb salad or like something that
they're like we're a dive bar we do not
i think she asked for wine like she
ordered wine and they were like babe
oh yeah she was like can i have like
your white a white wine or something
like that and they're really like honey
no
so he orders um
two shots of the four horsemen which
turns out is four kinds of whiskey
altogether
and so she slams it
and so does he and then doesn't he order
more shots he does he does like a few
shots of this yeah
which is illegal which i'm like no it's
not like
what ordinance that's [ __ ] it's
whiskey and it seemed like initially
like the bartender was just kind of like
yeah we don't do that [ __ ] here because
we don't want the trouble that comes
with the sort of people who are ordering
that's the establishment yes i'm like
you're they're a classy dive bar let's
give them some credit
um
yeah so they're doing the shots and then
she is singing johnny cash or puts
johnny cash on the jukebox when their
burgers come out
she takes the onions off the burger
and he's like johnny cash no onions
let's run away together like yep and
there
my notes say more handsiness they get
more handsy yeah like
it goes from six to midnight
real fast with the level of like
physical flirty intimacy chemistry
between them um he puts the next song on
the jukebox and it's phil collins i can
feel it in the air tonight
and he is like apparently it turns into
like a weird sexual thing he does double
check her age she's 23 so she is legal
um
i made note of that um but yeah he
starts dancing with her
to phil collins and kissing her and
feeling her up very intimately and then
at some point he's like i want to hear
you scream and she goes i want you to
make me scream
like i'm like what
and then my notes say
um she asked to go back to the momo but
the room isn't ready yet and the direct
quote is i've never had sex in a
bathroom before
well
and this is such a classy establishment
they go to the bathroom to bone and
there's a sign on the door that says no
[ __ ] here
seriously yep and they're like
we cannot wait until the room is clean
so we need to destroy this bathroom yeah
it seems like a loose suggestion so my
notes say i've never been i've never had
sex in a bathroom before they [ __ ] in
the bathroom and it's a lot um
mine say they bone and then the quote
i'm gonna [ __ ] you like you've never
been [ __ ] before little girl
and then they get caught by the manager
who's like seriously guys we said no
[ __ ] and like with each can't you
read like
they break the sink it's spraying water
everywhere there's soap all over the
floor there's paper towel like destroyed
this bathroom and for some reason i i
have they [ __ ] up the auto paper towel
dispenser and he [ __ ] her on the sinks
xl condom
honestly i didn't even make note of the
condom they made a big deal about it
they did they made a huge deal about it
i'm not disputing they made a huge deal
about it i think i got too caught up on
the i'm gonna [ __ ] you like you've never
been [ __ ] before little girl we
discussed in the very first episode of
this podcast that we ever recorded that
generally speaking when a man makes
promises like that prepare to be
disappointed
although seemingly in this book
she's not i don't know because it's not
real
[Laughter]
they destroy the bathroom they like
throw cash at the manager and they're
like this is for the burgers and the
damage in the bathroom and then they go
back to the motel and jump in the pool
while they wait for their room yeah so
she pushes him in the pool
she says i'll race you and then she
pushes him in
fully clothed
and then jumps in after him and then he
starts fingering her
um in the pool and then she notices a
bullet wound on his stomach area and
she's like what what is this
he's like i'm bad news bears baby well
i'm not like
now's when we're gonna start asking
questions yeah now after we already
banged in the bathroom and destroyed it
um the next morning
they have more sex honestly i think i
for forgot the condom part of the the
bathroom bar sex because in the next
morning they've they've already decided
to ditch condoms
because she's on birth control but she's
really flighty and it sounds like her
birth control is all just kind of
rattling around loose in the bottom of
her purse yeah she just grabs one when
she remembers
so this is not the way
to make birth control the most effective
it is the way to make it the least
effective
yeah i'm like
just popping one every couple of days is
not how birth control works
and considering he like makes a lot of
comments while he's kind of like casing
her about like how flighty she is
i'm like we didn't we just trusted her
on that
they
how would you rate their judgment in
impulse control
very poor yes very poor if i was doing a
mental status exam
that is indeed the rating i would give
them
so they ditched condoms in the morning
he says he was in prison last month and
he got tested so he knows that he's
clean
and she's like okay
honestly even if
even if he told her he wasn't clean i
don't know if it would have made a
difference
yeah i mean she was a pretty thirsty
little
little lady there
like
yeah the insight is uh
laughing across the board so they ditch
the condoms in the morning and then they
go to subway for lunch and i do think
it's really funny because it's like
this e coli meat scandal which she like
she hasn't told him who she is or what
it's related to yet but like they go to
subway and she's like they go to order
and she's like so like who's your meat
supplier
and they're like we have no [ __ ] clue
i'm 16 working at subway
minimum wage right and she's like go
check right now yeah she's like i'm
gonna have the veggie sandwich and like
she like tries to get vince to get a
veggie sandwich as well and instead he's
like i'm gonna get extra meat on my
sandwich
um
so
they figure out the meat is safe it's
from a different distributor
vince has no idea what the [ __ ] she's
going on about and thinks she's just
spoiled and weird
um and so when both can be true yes both
can be true um and then um
he like leans across the table to kiss
her while they're eating their
sandwiches and like spills her soda all
over her yep
so she goes to clean up and then when
she gets back out of the bathroom he is
gone
after taking her bag and her car yeah
she comes out still covered in dr pepper
which honestly that just makes it worse
like he stole your car and you're sticky
yeah and she is specific about being
sticky like and soda sticky is just like
a gross kind of sticky yeah
um for all of the ways in which they get
sticky in this book that is that is her
least favorite
it's also my least favorite
soda sticky is it
i really hate sodas soda sticky
fair enough fair enough right here none
of them are great hannah
i'm not like well
i would really prefer this option
that's fair
yeah so she's like soda sticky
covered in dr pepper he's gone her purse
is gone her car is gone
um he did leave her
a hundred dollars in her phone yes which
like so then we cut to vince he's
driving in her stolen car and like
actually like feels pretty guilty and
he's like yeah so like i left her a
hundred dollars under like the soda cup
that i like let's spill all over her and
i left her her phone i'm not a complete
[ __ ] like does feel guilty and he's
never done that before and he's like
obviously i'm going soft because i loved
her it means to
get home because i felt so bad about
leaving her stranded
um and he
feels kind of bummed because he was
really into her
starts going through her bag figures out
her name
um and also sees that she's extremely
messy and not great with taking her
birth control because he finds the pack
and it's like random pills popped out
all over the place and he's like jesus
christ well and like he's clearly better
at being on the run than she is because
like so he stole her car one of the
first things he does is change out her
license plate with another random car
and he removes the yale parking decal
that she has from her college days and
it's just like i'm gonna make this car a
little less noticeable and then in the
like when he's going through her car i
guess in like the the spare tire holder
in the trunk is that why you call that
space yeah um well i don't know but yes
i initially wanted to say wheel well but
that's not the right word
i don't know in the trunk when you lift
the carpet there's a spot that you can
put a spare tire
or you can put the twenty thousand
dollars that you stole from your parents
safe exactly so he finds it and he's
like hot damn jackpot um and then he
also gets a call from
um
the russians that he owes ten thousand
dollars and um they said they need five
more jobs from him because he was their
wheel man
in their getaways for robbing banks
and there were some threats and stuff
but he's like huh
you'll never find me k bye thanks
and moves on
yeah that's
that's about where we leave him yeah and
then we go back to lucy who because lucy
is super flighty
she has like a gps tracker in her car
because she loses it
on a
semi-regular basis
yeah my notes say lucy is big mad
that's what the note says
um uses find my car app decides to
hitchhike
yep like realizes her car is headed
south
to georgia
decides
to follow him starts hitchhiking um well
starts trying to hitchhike the first
person who pulls over
the first car that pulls over has nazis
and yeah they have like swastika tattoos
and prison tattoos on their face and she
is
terrified so she turns down their offer
of a ride
and so they're like they start driving
off but then they
they stop
and then like one gets out of the car
and she's like [ __ ] [ __ ] oh no this is
not good but instead they were they were
nice nazis i did not like that term um
but they like give her a hunting knife
so she can protect herself and they're
like hey like be careful out there and
they give her a knife before they drive
off yeah they're like stay safe bye
um so then
um she winds up eventually getting
picked up by a very nice man who is
driving to atlanta um to visit his kids
he's some kind of security guard small
security
lady in a mall security
vehicle driving to atlanta
so then she steals um his handcuffs
um so that she can be ready for vince
when she finds him
which all right the next details maybe
you uh um
they were a little hazy for me because
essentially they're like
driving down and she
had her phone died at this point
um but then she like looks over and just
like sees her car parked outside of a
motel yeah i'm like well isn't that
lucky for you very convenient yep so
she goes in like to the motel
the mall security guy drops her off and
she's stolen his handcuffs um
sees that he's checked in under the name
michael c escher
m.c escher for you art aficionados out
there
and
he
m.c escher is staying in room 22. yes
so then she goes and knocks on the door
pretending to be management and when he
opens she cuffs one of his wrists and
then he starts just laughing
hysterically and handcuffs her to him
when she like walks in and like gets one
cuff on him and he's like what are you
doing and she's like citizens arrested
she starts like reading him his rights
from law and order or something and he
is like this is hilarious yeah so he
cuffs her to him also like
i would just like to note she hitchhiked
covered in soda sticky
into like from tennessee to georgia that
is a hot
gross like she's not looking her best
her feet are like dirty and blistered
and yeah she's not younger yes
bug bites but ins almost instantaneously
he cuffs her to him and then starts like
apologizing and flirting with her and
like making out yeah he's like let me
clean you up and wash your feet
um i'm so sorry and my notes say she's
still big mad
well she's big mad
for not very long not long i don't think
so i actually wouldn't say she's big mad
i'd say she's very little mad at this
point yeah it decreases
very quickly like they start making out
he
takes bobby pins out of her hair to
pinch her nipples
yep
she thinks that he's gonna pick the lock
on the handcuffs and instead he uses
them as nipple clamps
i would like to note they met yesterday
they did they met yesterday
what a journey they've already been on
they really have together they really
have so her her nips are pinched with
the bobby pins and then
mid bone
as that has escalated there's a knock on
the door
and he is like oh [ __ ]
i need to hide her in the bathroom from
whoever could be coming to knock on this
door yes and before that she did all of
a sudden say tell me
tell me a dream of yours tell me a dream
that you have and he's like i dream of
being an artist and she's like oh
but he is like very touched that she's
not making fun of him or like minimizing
his dream and so he's like maybe this
girl is like maybe there's something
more here and then there's the knock on
the door is that when
like he's like don't joke about that
like is that when that happens i don't
remember i don't know there's so much
it's just like everything goes from six
to midnight so quickly and it all
escalates it does yeah so like but they
start talking about their dreams a
little bit more
in all of this rapid escalation um but
then the knock on the door he hides her
in the bathroom it's the russians
literally i put it's the russian with an
exclamation point
um
and so lucy's overhearing this entire
conversation about vince
owing the russians money um vince
straight up like breaks the russian's
hand in this argument that is going on
um and like lucy overhears all of it and
gets like super freaked out yeah the
russian like puts a knife to vince's
throat
um and is looking for a woman in the
room he says that he smells sex and
vince is basically like it's probably
your upper lip
and
and the russian is like i bet there's a
[ __ ] in here
but
vince like protects her and kind of gets
the russian out before
he finds her
but like she's so freaked out that then
she's like all right
i'm out i'm gonna leave and then
very quickly because i would like to
note just a couple hours ago he stole
her car from her and now he is begging
her to stay yep
um and then he doesn't want her to be
afraid of her or to be afraid of him and
so he's like okay fine like
just go and then uh and she takes her
car back
my note says single tear from him so
apparently he had one single tier um
because after this this 36 hours of of
bangapalooza he was really bummed
about losing her
banga palooza is a really apt
description of what's happening here um
so
lucy starts driving away is like very
sad is like trying to reconcile all of
this because she was like really
enjoying
what was going on between them before
um she overheard him break someone's
hand and found out he was still
affiliated with the russian mob and all
that stuff
but then as she's driving and ruminating
on all of this she a migraine kicks in
yeah and she like a medical level like
has like
medication for it she pulls over and
ends up calling her best friend naomi
who
as an aside um when this book came out
confessed there was a book that came out
a month before
called
professed about naomi um her best friend
yep um
personally i like confessed better but i
also read it first so i think i went
into it with the expectations of confess
and i think if i read them in reverse
order
i might have liked professed more but
it just didn't
it didn't grab me the same way that this
one did like this one is like ridiculous
and over the top but i felt like it
grabbed me a lot more
yeah professed was enjoyable but
confessed just had a different level
like they're both enjoyable but i think
confessed is more memorable yes i would
agree i feel like i've read books more
similarly yes it's far more unique i
think i've read books similar to
professed and i don't think i've read as
many books that i would say are like
similar
to i don't think i've read any books
that are similar to confessed i would
agree
um so she does she calls her bestie
she's like honey please come home and
she's like no
but she does tell her best friend naomi
all about vince
um and stops at a diner to eat and asks
naomi to eat with her so she's on the
phone with her while she yeah so she
doesn't have to be alone um but then
lucy's dad calls her
and
lucy
picks up her dad's phone call which have
the text started at this point i do
think the texts are like yeah funny
because the text like it'll show text
that lucy gets from like her mom that
are like honey did you run away again
and then her dad's texts are just like
don't eat the pastrami and then like the
next texas is like don't eat the roast
beef and just like but then her mom's
like you did run away again come home
are you okay sweetheart where are you
and then her dad is like
don't speak to the press
don't take any calls from msnbc
or cnn like
well and so when her dad calls her he
essentially tells you that like legally
lucy is involved in the embezzlement
scandal and the e coli scandal because
she's set to inherit the family business
yeah he says that they need to get their
story straight and the sec is going to
be calling and she's like i don't give a
[ __ ] i have nothing to do with this and
hangs up mm-hmm
um
switch back to vince he's very sad about
losing lucy he's big sad
is that what we're going with
consistently this whole time it's in my
notes i don't know i don't know what was
wrong with me when i was outlining this
i don't think i was even intoxicated so
i don't have it i don't have an excuse
well
vince is intoxicated because he goes to
a bar to get completely hammered um
because he's so sad about lucy and then
while he's at the bar on television he
sees
on the news the birchette
meat scandal um
and then a dude like and there's
pictures of lucy with her family because
it's like a family scandal at this point
and like a dude in the bar starts like
objectifying lucy
like making like really like
very gross yes gross unnecessary
comments that like
vince is not a fan of so vince is like
i'm gonna defend her honor in another cd
bar
he's like shut up
shut up shut up and the guy just keeps
talking so he punches him in the face
yes um but at this point lucy has now
decided she misses vince cause those 36
hours really left an impression on her
and so she decides to go back
four events and on her way back to the
motel she notices um
a
bar fight happening like a parking lot
actually a fight happening in the bar
parking lot yeah is it a bar fight if
it's in the parking lot it started in
the bar so i would say yeah
okay i started as long as it starts in
the bar yeah if it starts in the parking
lot it's just a normal fight yes
um so she sees vince getting arrested in
the bar parking lot um and she's like
i'm following that cop car
and
follows all the way to the station but
then like
barges in
well so it doesn't we don't get there
yet so then we flash to vince so she's
following the cop car and vince is in a
cell with an old guy
um and the old guy is like you're in
love aren't you what's her name and he's
like mind your own business and he's
like your face looks like [ __ ]
and
um the cop is really nice to vince and
gives him some frozen corn and aspirin
for his face well
he also does because
where wherever they had initially
started out at some point like vince
says something and lucy's like you can
be polite you can say please so when
vince is talking to the officer
and he's like he says please and the
officer's like people are never that
polite i'm gonna give him some frozen
peace for his face exactly and then he
was just really really sad that
he who he lost her and then he hears her
voice because she does barge in to the
jail
um and um she's really concerned that
he's hurt she says she's gonna pay his
bail
but they won't yeah she's like release
him right now and they're like ma'am
he's in the drunk tank he cannot leave
until the morning
and um
he tells her to go
back to them uh to get the motel key
from his things
um to get his stuff out of the motel but
not to stay there
um and that she needs a weapon and she
says that she has a plan and not to
worry spoiler alert she doesn't have a
she is
her plans are never well founded um but
yeah she is like okay i'm gonna do all
that then i'll come back and i'll post
your bail in the morning
she goes to buy a weapon
but like
she goes to like a real
shop and then is like
give it to me cash under the table and
they're like we are not that kind of
establishment ma'am we cannot do that
um and then he's like but you could buy
this
but we don't know what it is yet
um yes we and she was like it's not what
i had in mind but i guess it'll do
right okay so then she goes back to the
motel um to get his stuff she finds his
sketchbook that has a drawing of her in
it and she's like oh my stars like he
really loves me and seemingly
he is a decent artist yes she's very
impressed with his level of skill
uh but then um the russian shows up
which puts a damper on her little moment
of intruding on his privacy
um and so
she pepper sprays him and crushes his
fingers and then pays off the debt with
the 20 grand in cash she gives half
essentially
to the russian
um
and tells him that she will dig out his
eyeballs if he comes for vince again
and then she goes to the lakinta for the
night
that's what my notes say
so one time when i was working crisis
back in nashville um i went on a crisis
assessment at
the airport and i got to say airport
assessments were always the [ __ ] best
you never knew it was going to happen
one time it was not my assessment but
one of my favorite crisis stories um
it was
um a double assessment and the couple
got engaged during the crisis
mine was memorable in a different way it
was this woman she she wouldn't speak
and she would like barely write and
we're like trying to figure it out and
we're like do you speak english and she
was like nodding her head yes um but she
like wouldn't
communicate with us
um
and she
tried to give me
fifty dollars cash in her liking to in
like vip card and i was like man you
can't bribe me and if you could
what are you bribing
that was an assessment i to this day i
still have more questions than answers
about how it all played out but whenever
i think of the looking to end i just
think of this woman trying to hand me
fifty dollars
and her looking to nvip card
i love um
although there are worse places you
could stay so for the record hey there
smud puppies
we'll get you right back to the show in
just a moment but first
do you like us
maybe even
love us
cause we sure love you
and if you do love us
don't tease us
tell us in those ratings and reviews
wherever you're listening right now
maybe even send us over to a special
sexy someone that would enjoy getting
smutty with us
because you know the first rule of smug
club
is to talk about smut club
all right
i won't keep you any longer
let's get back to the show
[Music]
so to to go back lucy
beats up the mobster yep um
maces him pepper sprays him
gives him 10 grand cash to pay off
vince's debts and then goes to stay at
the la quinta inn yeah um the next
morning
vince gets out of jail yep and my notes
say vince is big happy to see you oh my
god hannah
what the [ __ ] oh no
i don't have an explanation i don't have
an explanation and i fee i don't know
that's better or worse i'll just stop
telling you
i'll just stop telling you honestly
that's not the best at this point i just
need to know how many times it presents
itself
like so far it's for we'll see what
happens so
then they make out in her car and they
start to get frisky in the jail parking
lot but then
he hits the radio and it switches to the
news yeah they like accidentally bump
into the radio when they start going at
it in the car and well then on the news
we find out that there is a warrant out
for lucy's arrest due to
the laundered money
in the embezzlement e coli or chat meet
scandal um which then lucy is realizing
like oh my trust fund that my parents
set up for me
not legit not legit [ __ ]
um but vince
knowing how to be on the run far more
than lucy does he's like all right we're
gonna throw away your phone like these
are the things we're gonna do like
starts kind of like putting together a
plan of action
yes but lucy is freaking out pretty
badly
so she uh makes a call through her
car
yeah he like takes her phone from her
and she's like [ __ ] i can still call
from a steering wheel joke's on you so
she calls her dad but her dad's cpa
answers and he says that her dad's under
a gag order and that she did in fact
embezzle this money through her trust
fund even if she didn't know it um
and
uh that she is guilty and that she
should run yeah she's like what should i
do and he's like you should run like
hell yeah and vince is like you can turn
yourself in or you can run what would
you like to do
and she's like i'll run if you'll come
and this is a really sweet moment
big sweet where they decided to run away
together
i hated that sentence
i loved it big sweet big sweet they
decided to run away together
um they have like
eight grand left in cash after
the bail and paying off the the mob and
all that and so they're like kind of
getting their game plan together they
have the eight grand left and vince
realizes how much money he's gone and
he's like what the [ __ ] happened to the
risk the money that you had yesterday
and lucy tells him that she used it to
pay off his debt to the russian mob
which
once again big sweet um
no one's ever done anything like that
for vince before yes
and um through all of this as they're
having this conversation they pull off
into the woods and get rid of anything
identifiable from either of them so
their ids
um she gives up her
necklace that her peanut necklace her
peanut necklace that represents her
horse and he photos her phone everything
um
bury it in the forest yep gets buried in
the forest and then um he she takes him
out to the woods and they [ __ ] on the
forest floor is what my notes say yeah
mine say they buried all in forest they
[ __ ] in the forest vince tells her he
wants her filled with his seat
yeah my notes say he tells her another
dream is to knock her up and that she's
his forever
feels a little soon to be honest is what
my notes say
because it's been less than two days uh
correct um
yeah
maybe that works for some people sure i
don't know that that's a real quick
turnaround
um i have some concerns but also
do your thing like i think of um
i think it was like a ziz ansari stand
up where he talks about like
people like his friends getting married
have been dating a year and a half and
he's like i have sweaters in my closet
that have been there a year and a half
he's like and i look at it i'm like i
don't even [ __ ] like this sweater
and that's what i think of when it's
like
yeah so it's been like
48 hours at this point yeah
yeah
um and he is just
enthralled by her so he's watching her
while she sleeps um and thinking about
how into her he is
um
he decides they need to stop at a
drugstore so they can fix lucy's look
um because she's on the run and her
picture's all over the news and it's
like very like connecticut
bougie like long long blonde hair j crew
yes fairy j crew
um and she's like it took me years to
get my hair this color like
um this is once again one of those i'm
like hey lucy my girl
i don't think you understand the
severity of the situation yeah
priorities babe
priorities but my hair and he's like do
you essentially like do you want to go
to jail or do you want to be blonde
these are your options
yeah so um she agrees to
darkening up her look
um and then lucy is freaking out about
her hair
um and then he
uh
also is like and also we're gonna cut it
and she's like excuse me because
apparently she has several youtube
videos of her braiding her hair
and that's like her thing and she loves
her long hair and she's super depressed
that he's gonna cut it but then she's
like fine
you can cut two inches and he cuts all
the way up to her chin like he goes from
astogen and she's like that's way more
than two inches and he's like it was
always gonna be more than two inches
that was never
never how this was gonna play out and
then he dyes it for her he's very
thorough
um and uh he's very careful he says he
used to do it for his mom before she
died and she's like oh
big sweet
that's not in my nose
we're doing it now
um so then they shower together
um and then she tells him about her
dream of owning a horse ranch and lucy
decides um and he's like
really no
okay which like we don't like fully
understand right why right um
but yeah as like tells him her dream of
having a horse farm he's like oh like we
are like pretty much everything she says
he's like we're kindred and you're like
sometimes it makes sense to you why he
says it sometimes it doesn't and it's a
mystery for the future yes and this is
one of those where it's a mystery for
the future however lucy does decide that
she wants to do a grand reveal of her
darker
look
like has like rock girl
makeup now like like grungy
darker clothes boots that sort of thing
maybe black nail polish i don't remember
if that's something i think there is
black nail polish yeah yes um so then
she says trust me
and um i want to choke you out
while i ride you and so she does that
and he has my notes say he has a massive
orgasm
i have
new rocker lucy takes control chokes
vince
some breath play
calls him daddy
yep
um and then i my notes say vince decides
to take the power back and flips her
over so after he comes he's like that
was great
you didn't come though and that's
unacceptable to me
i just
like i know we say ever we've said it
several times everything this book
escalates very quickly everything goes
from six to midnight but like i really
feel like the daddy
yeah escalated very quickly too much
i once said to my husband is that
something you would be into
and he went
could you say it with conviction
i was like i think that's our answer i
could not say it with a straight i asked
my husband and he just said
no
[Laughter]
yeah you know that's fair yeah i'm like
no but i i feel like that's like
not all books but i do definitely think
that's something i'm like
where the daddy just like comes out of
nowhere it's like a daddy sneak attack
i heard it yeah no i i hear it
no
okay so vince takes the control back
and he's like you need to come too and
so then
i have
vince takes control back whips her with
belt and then the quote turn your little
[ __ ] face to daddy
yeah
yeah i also have that quoted um he says
before that he says i'm going to hurt
you and if it's too much you have to
tell me to stop because safe words are
not for us and she's like say that again
and he's like [ __ ] safe words and she's
like no the other part and he's like us
and she's like yeah
yeah well no i'm like
i think we're focusing on the wrong part
of the sentence lucy right not safe
words aren't for us i'm like
no
safe words are for everyone
that should be on a t-shirt or
safe words are for everyone
and consent matters consent matters safe
words are for everyone but yeah like
safe words aren't for us
say that again
us
so then i have he starts whipping her
and she calls him daddy while he calls
her [ __ ] um and he checks on her
several times like that is he does that
he's like are you good
and then um but he's just whipping her
this whole time he's not actually
[ __ ] her and then finally
after he has just like whipped the snot
out of her with his belt
um he does uh
[ __ ] her
with his thumb in her ass is what my
notes say and then she comes really
really hard and cries a lot
so i have a few more notes in this scene
oh no no and then um
oh no well so she's like have you ever
done anything like this before and he's
like
once and like she's like gets a little
jealous
and then
we find out he's like it was to a horse
not a [ __ ] a horse
like and he might the quote i have is
once to break her like he broke a horse
yeah
and
like really this entire like all of it
it's very codependent vibes you're like
what is happening here this is not
oh okay that what is happening here and
then um
and then i just have the quote was that
[ __ ] up
no way it's ours
and i'm like
those aren't mutually exclusive i was
gonna say it can be both right i'm like
it can be it can be both
it was
because like for as much like insta
insta-lust chemistry
rowdy raunchy sex as had already
happened in this book
to go into like some breath play and
whipping and no safe words and daddy and
little [ __ ] face like
a little [ __ ] face
that doesn't work that's the difference
i know but in the book when it said that
i was like
like i had a physical response to that i
literally text hannah when i was
outlining this book and i was like this
whipping daddy scene
goes on for so long it does
and then it ends with him feeding her
pizza
that's in my notes he feeds her veggie
pizza yeah it's there's no it's not meat
lovers it is not you don't know what the
meat supplier is
so what is a veggie pizza
um he feeds her pizza
he then tells her he has a place that
they can go in new mexico and so they
start like
loosely heading to new mexico and then i
kind of like my description is like it's
kind of a montage of their carefree road
trip they're taking a very scenic route
to get to
new mexico because it like they talk
about like being in arkansas then being
in the panhandle i was thinking the same
thing i was like what the [ __ ] are y'all
doing like we are not going as the crow
flies why are we going i was like you
went due south of arkansas um my notes
say road tripping good times listen to
old cds and she reads fear and loathing
in las vegas
yeah that's that's a great montage of it
um
oh they do they get pulled over for yeah
so in this montage they get pulled over
for expired tags because the plates that
have been stolen were expired which i'm
like
bro you're supposed to be like this
brilliant criminal mastermind and you
stole expired plates amateur hour well
and then
they like they play it off really well
and they like have like pretend to have
this like lover spat about it but then
the officer who pulled him over he's
like oh yeah well there is like an apb
out on this make and model because it
belongs to that like lunch meat princess
right
um
so be careful out there
basically
um so then they get to a small town
in new mexico
and
um
my notes say turns out vinnie boy has a
ranch his father left him and he wants
to help lucy live out her dream of
owning a horse ranch well it already has
horses it does have horses already
they're wild horses yes his dad left him
land that has wild horses
um my notes get to new mexico vince
tells her his dad left him land with
horses they bone i think who knows at
this point
[Laughter]
that was a very exaggerated eye roll you
did there as well
it's how i felt yeah and vince tells her
that he's falling for her
um and then eats her out in the kitchen
is what my notes say
um and then um they go to the store so
vince does that will they uncover the
motorcycle
they get the motorcycle
and then vince um decides he wants to
cook her dinner so they go to the store
because
the like the house has been left for him
but like
his dad passed away right well there's a
note that says there's a caretaker who
lives on the land
okay but are they stocking the fridge
like there's the difference between like
caring for the land right so i'm just
like right so it does feel like they're
just like
we showed up and we're here for it now
and like it is what dusty and there's no
food in here so yes like but the way in
which like it is kind of sweet and
endearing because they're like this is
our little slice of heaven and like our
magic and like reading it and you're
like
is it it is very dusty
it is my thought it is big dusty
not big dusty not to be confused with
big daddy oh no that's not right that's
not sorry
yeah so then in the garage there's a
truck yep and there is a motorcycle yes
so they take the motorcycle into town
vince buys her a little horseshoe
necklace to replace the peanut that she
had to get rid of
um and they're just loving the little
small town um and they're checking out
they have some really sweet interactions
with some of the locals and then they
forget something and so then lucy goes
to grab apples i think and then
all of a sudden vince hears tires
screeching and lucy is gone her purse is
next to the bananas
important detail i don't know if that's
actually accurate but it was produce
it was produce
um yeah so they're getting their
groceries and then suddenly lucy's gone
um cut to lucy she's been taken by a
private investigator mitch who
um was hired by her father yep um
she notices like he has like a
connecticut phone number and so
he's now like all right i've handcuffed
you
to my car and we're road tripping from
new mexico to connecticut and my only
thought was well i hope it's a more
[ __ ] direct route than the one they
took to get to new mexico because that's
gonna take a long-ass time
yep
and she keeps trying to get him to pull
over and he won't but then finally he
does because he's out of gas um and so
he goes inside and she tries to pop her
cuffs with a bobby pin but she can't
figure it out well that's because vince
never showed her he was too busy using
the bobby pins for nipple clamps right
priorities
so then um she's like vince isn't coming
at this point they've been driving for
more than an hour she's like vince isn't
coming i'm super [ __ ] like i have to
get out of this myself but then vince
does show up on the motorcycle and gets
her out of the car and they take off
he picks the lock on the handcuffs he
does with the bobby pin yes
um and yeah then shows up like kicks the
lock really fast
and then
they zoom away yeah on on his motorcycle
he does slash the tires of um
the private investigator
and then they go back to the ranch and
to switch out the motorcycle for the
truck
and um he's like we gotta go we gotta go
we need to go get passports and we need
to go get new ids yep and she says no no
you stay
um she feels really bad that he's giving
up this gorgeous land and you know a
potential home and all of us these other
things for her
um
and vince is like what the [ __ ] did you
just say
[ __ ] that
it's you and me for life and i'm like
sweetheart it's been like a cool five
days
surely it took longer than that with the
scenic route they took to get to new
mexico okay so a week
thank you
more accurate
because cause that two days
is where the magic happened that's where
the daddy whipping scene happens yeah um
so they go they go to get the passports
they have to get to albuquerque oh i
forgot my notes say she tells him to
stay she feels bad he's giving up so
much he politely declines it was not
polite he was like the [ __ ]
get out of my [ __ ] face i honestly
didn't even note that my next note after
they switched cars leave to go get
passports roadhead
from albuquerque oh they're driving to
albuquerque to get the passports and my
notes say lucy gives epic road head
they pay for passports
to a man named the taylor yep um
he has an actual like tailoring
business
and like they're ordering everything all
like the new identities in code and like
okay so you need new buttons but like
lucy's really excited and has like no
chill about any other thing at all like
even when they get the idea she's like
oh look how good my new id looks and
vince is like shut the [ __ ] up
um
yeah so oh no to be fair yeah they don't
have the ideas yet i was jumping ahead
of myself they
go they get the pictures they order it
they yeah they get a room and then the
kid at the front desk tells vince he's
like hey so i just want to let you know
like something's wrong with the tv
um
and vince is like thinking have you seen
lucy i'm not worried about watching tv
right now and then the dude's like no um
the adult channels
are are free like oh no it's stuck on
them it will only play them
but a variety of them that's the part
that lost me none of it makes sense but
that's what it says yeah tv is broken
porn is free is
yeah mine says cable in the room is
busted and only shows porn vince doesn't
tell lucy
also reminds me of an episode of friends
of course it does the one with all the
porn i think was the name of it where
they like they stumble on a channel that
has free porn so then the guys are like
well what if we turn the tv off and when
we turn it back on the porn is gone so
we can't turn the tv off so they just
like have the porn going how it works
yeah and so but then like
they're like it starts to seep into
their daily lives like the weirdest
thing happened
um we had a female pizza delivery lady
and she didn't take her clothes off when
she ordered the pizza or when she
delivered the pizza and it's like this
whole thing yes so lucy
is in the bathroom here's
the tv turn on
um and then like comes out to join vince
and essentially
vince like puts lucy on his lap
and mine says he puts her on his dick
sitting behind her while watching
bondage i thought it was fingering her
maybe both well but it so like he puts
her in front of him and then it's like
fingering her
and then is like flipping through the
channels to figure out what porn she's
most into right and so then when it gets
to the one that has all of the bondage
she's like oh
you damn near squirted like right you
are all about this you are flooded wet
right now
so then he demands that she come without
any any clip play
for those who may have listened to that
previous review
um no clitoral stimulation is happening
here
um and she does and she screams out that
she loves him while she's having this
super intense orgasm and he does not
reciprocate
like he feels very strongly for her yes
but does not reciprocate in that
capacity yes um
so that scene goes on for a long time as
well they go to get their new ids the
next day where lucy has no chill none
whatsoever and it's like oh i'm elena
colburn now how great is this i'm so
cute look at my picture
um
my description says they get their new
ids go to el paso
more [ __ ]
vince then declares his love and decides
to cook her dinner yeah my notes say
they go to el paso and get an airbnb
they make sweet sweet love and he tells
her he loves her and says he's excited
to meet their children
which again
that escalated real quick
real quick and like
to to give vince a little credit like
he's what like mid 30s
35
34 yeah he's definitely older than lucy
like 12 or 13 years i think he's ready
to take some bigger steps what do you
think but it is seven days i want to vet
a person a little bit more before you
decide to have children with them what
else does he need to know about her she
loves johnny cash and doesn't eat onions
and is into pretty much anything sexual
like she is down to clown with anything
she is he
he wants to do yeah um i then have the
quote
i used to be dangerous now i'm just
yours
like codependent bonnie and clyde vibes
so painful
so vince decides to cook lucy dinner
um
goes to the store
he starts to cook she is in like just an
apron
trying to seduce him a little and he's
like babe i'm gonna burn your food
go like get out of here so she turns on
the tv she sees a story on the news that
her dad was arrested for dui with a
hooker
in the car
and um released a statement that she had
nothing to do with the embezzlement and
asks her to please come home yeah like
there's like a full press conference
after he was arrested where he like
takes all of the blame and is like my
daughter had nothing to do with any of
the embezzlement she had no idea what
was going on clears her of all
all blame
and begs lucy to come home so then
vince is still cooking just want to note
that
lucy calls her mom then
yeah and mom is begging her to come home
and like mom is not doing well she's not
okay if you remember from like early on
i know there hasn't been a lot of
mention of mom thus far um but like mom
has some substance abuse issues that are
a lot of like self-medicating kind of
from all of the [ __ ] that's going on in
their life
um
so mom asks her to come home and then
lucy asks vince to come back to
connecticut with her and he says no
um realizing that he is just not any
good for her at all um and that he will
ruin her life um so he needs to push her
away so
he calls it off he tells her to go home
and then he pulls her
actual like lucy burchette id
out um and her peanut necklace
and he did not
bury them in the forest and she's like i
thought you buried these and he's like
i'm a thief like i like
i'm a con i'm an artisan
[Laughter]
so um lucy is in shock and he's like you
meant nothing to me you were just
another mark go back to your life like
get the [ __ ] out and then leaves her in
the hotel room
or in the airbnb and and is gone
she like lucy calls her mom again and
then while she's on the phone with her
mom her mom overdoses yes and like lucy
like like mom passes out lucy like calls
9-1-1 like is like i need you to connect
me to the local 9-1-1 in connecticut
this is the address this is the garage
code my mom like you need to go get her
asap yep so she's been waiting at this
point for hours for vince to come back
and he hasn't so she writes a note um
with her contact information and she
leaves because she needs to get to her
mom who is now
um on a 72-hour psychiatric hold
um
after they pumped her stomach
um
well
like it hasn't quite cut back to vince
yet in the book but we do learn that
like she's been waiting this whole time
but vince was actually like
hiding across the street from the airbnb
waiting for lucy to leave and was like
waiting to see her actually take off
before he would actually return right
so lucy gets back to connecticut um and
her mom is admitted to the hospital she
cannot see her mom because as we said
she's on a cycle um and it doesn't sound
like it was necessarily an intentional
overdose but it was still a very serious
overdose and they're like has she been
under any stress lately and they're like
uh yeah she's been under a ton of stress
lately lucy then also like calls her
best friend naomi again
to kind of like fill her in and tell her
everything that's been going on and
naomi comes to sit with her and is like
i'll be right there don't panic you know
whatever um so then
back to vince he's been waiting this
whole time for lucy to leave and then he
makes a snap decision to go back east he
was planning to go to
um
mexico but he makes this snap decision
that he's gonna go back east
um and then he
he gets to new jersey it sounds like and
approaches the police officer who has
been investigating him this whole time
um and he says that
um then says that he will give him the
russian in exchange for immunity for
himself
and this is like one like hasn't
officially been said but he's just like
suddenly like i'm gonna go back east and
we're like but not to get lucy back like
but okay but like back up north east
where lucy also is
and like but he goes to the
the police station and the detective's
not there so then they're like he like
goes to the diner that the officer hangs
the detective hangs out obviously at the
denny's
well and then when he's like i'll give
you
what was it like gregory grigorovich or
something like a ridiculous russian mob
name no offense if your name is gregory
grigorovich
it's a safe place for you as well um
but
they like he pulls out the the knife
that had been used um at the motel very
early on in the book that is has um the
fingerprints for gregorovich yep and
he's like here's your evidence
i'll testify
i want immunity
um and then it cuts back to lucy
um her mom is out of the hospital and
she's recovering no more booze so lucy
is like dumping stuff in the sink and
clearing the house
um and lucy is really really sad that
vince isn't there but she is trying to
focus on supporting her mom
um and she so she's clear like has
poured all of the alcohol down the sink
and is taking out the garbage with all
of the empty liquor bottles and lo and
behold who's standing in her driveway it
spins what i didn't see that coming oh
my stars big surprise
yes but it's not so vince is there with
flowers for her mom
and for lucy which is sweet which is
very sweet and he introduces himself um
to her mom and tells the whole story and
lucy i remember had a whole scenario
ready for how he was like an iraq war
veteran and that's why he had all of
these tattoos and scars and [ __ ]
and
and vince was like hey i'm vince i got
out of prison about
six weeks ago
well and like her mom is like
you're honest i was i was married to a
man who wasn't so
good for you loose is kind of like yeah
mom is like very accepting very quickly
of all of this which like lucy's excited
about she introduces him to her mom she
introduces him to peanut the horse which
is also very fun
um and then they they bone on a hill
mine says he meets peanut the horse and
they [ __ ] in a field
yeah i think i think we wrote the same
thing he did basically
introduces him to mom and horse bone on
a hill
like he meets peanut they [ __ ]
honestly let's go with yours because you
know i'm a [ __ ] for alliteration i know
that you are and that's why i brought it
up at all so they [ __ ] a field big
love
but that's that's also the end i mean
there is an epilogue that we will cover
but like that's where it ends they
[ __ ] feel look
field [ __ ]
the epilogue is two months in the future
they are back out in new mexico um
and lucy's mom and peanut have also
joined them
um
her mom is apparently a low-key badass
and like takes vince's motorcycle for a
ride yep and just like takes off on the
motorcycle and then as we mentioned
before
lucy's very flighty and not great with
the birth controls yep and so
she's looking real worried and says that
she needs to talk to him and he's kind
of freaking out
and
she's kind of freaking out and
uh my notes say
uh tells him she's prego he's big happy
and asks her to marry him
i just have lucy's pregs vince proposes
um
well like i remember in the book
she's
panicking clearly that he's not gonna be
okay
but he like falls to his knees and like
puts his face in her belly and is like
crying and he's been saying he wanted
his seed in her since day two
i'm just quoting the book hannah
seed stop it johnny appleseed
johnny cash
um how many times how much weird
association can we make probably a lot
you know we could keep going but we
won't put you through that um yeah so
that's the end lucy's knocked up and
vince is very excited and proposes yep
um and they all live happily ever after
in new mexico
on the ranch with the horses and her mom
and the baby
eventually hopefully
yeah we
it doesn't go there in the book it
doesn't i'm making an assumption we are
it's an optimistic assumption here for
it um
okay so
now that we're here
what's our rating scale artisanal
sourdough loves
uh beef salami
um how many peanuts
oh yeah peanuts i was gonna say subway
sandwiches but there was all that [ __ ]
with jared and yeah we'll leave that no
one
no one
needs to bring his meat into this we
don't need to discuss a foot long at
this point
oh that's mighty generous
or a six inch
so peanuts peanuts let's do peanuts
so peanuts are pretty small are they
shelled
that feels important here
well now all i can think about is boiled
peanuts
like the time you ran your car off the
road trying to get boiled i was gonna
maybe tell that story but then i was
like maybe i won't but thank you for
bringing it up yes i did once drive my
car into a ditch because i was so
excited about a boiled peanut stand that
i didn't see the ditch
and so i drove my car into it and then
some very nice nice locals who didn't
have as many teeth as i would have
expected
had to pull me out of the ditch
and then the stand was cash only
but the guy felt so bad for me because i
guess i looked like i was gonna cry that
he gave me peanuts for free but i did go
back and pay him later oh that was nice
was it
well how are the peanuts
they were cajun and delicious
but
the point is i drove my car into a ditch
that had a little sign on it next to it
that said beware of snakes
that's where i drove my car
that's where i that's where i drove my
car
i don't think i was
i knew about the snake aspect of it yeah
and there was a group of about 10 to 12
individuals on horseback waiting to go
on a trail ride
behind me watching the whole thing as i
drove my car into this ditch with the
ass and straight in the air and then
tried to get out and my rear wheels just
spun like nothing
um
not quite the same but if it makes you
feel any better one time i was meeting a
friend for lunch
and um i was running late and the
parallel parking was very tight and it
was not my best job and i like went up
on the curb a little bit but i was like
i don't really have time to correct this
[ __ ] i'm running very late for lunch and
before i got out of my car some people
were walking down the street saw how bad
my parallel parking job was stopped
pointed laughed and took pictures of it
while i was still sitting in my car
that's pretty good yeah so that's pretty
good you know we've all been there in
our own way um
well boiled peanuts weren't part of the
story i do think the shells are
important because it just dot on me
her necklace would just look like an
amoeba if it wasn't a
shell it needed a shell yeah um
but also
i think of like cody's roadhouse and
those restaurants that like they just
peanut shells yes where you just like
just go so hard on peanuts and just
throw the shells everywhere
so
you can eat so many of them
um so i don't really have a good
50 100 like 25 what let's let's go with
50 peanuts out of 50 peanuts
um
i would give it
all right let's say
our numbers at the same time on 1
2
3 35.
look at us go oh god yes 35 i think 35
is a great number yeah we're just 15
peanuts shy of a bucket
yeah it's a cool seventy percent we're
passing but by the skin of our teeth
that's what this book is
you know vince did a lot of stuff by the
skin of his teeth and he sure did
yeah like it really
is it
is it essentially just codependent
bonnie and clyde abso [ __ ] lutely
yeah um is it a really enjoyable ride
and just like fun to get there even
though there are moments that you're
like oh all the cringe
okay
big cringe
sorry
well i was just thinking of the daddy
whipping scene so yeah big cringe is
appropriate yeah um
so 35 out of 50 peanuts yeah um if they
were
boiled cajun peanuts that scale might
shift a little bit but that's
that's another metric for another book
that is my preferred peanut to be honest
you know i get that that makes sense
i mean i drove my car into a ditch for
those peanuts like that's my preferred
peanut
by the way my car was fine the locals
pulled it out and they double checked it
and they were like i don't know how you
did this but there's no damage have a
great day and i drove off into the
sunset
that story feels really true to who you
are as a person
you
know i feel
like that might be insulting but i'm
gonna choose to take it as a compliment
no honestly it i didn't mean it as no no
no big insults um
i meant it more as like i feel like
you frequently find yourself in these
like comical situations that just like
always kind of play out okay that you're
like
oh really okay
everything's fine
cool sounds good how are you guys yeah
um so we're gonna go 35 out of 50
normal shelled peanuts um
let us know what you all think what you
would rate it what your favorite peanut
type is is it the cajun boiled
um it should be
i'm i feel very strong i feel like
hannah will fight you hannah will throw
hands i did once have
pickled oiled peanuts and they were
surprisingly delicious i don't even like
pickles really but they were boiled and
instead of cajun seasoning or just salt
or whatever they had like
pickles pickle brine that they were
boiled in basically they were good okay
were they better than cajun
um
they were just different and i've never
seen them before or since so i can't say
if they're better because i only had
them the one time
okay well then let's not use that metric
okay cajun only thank you unless
you have had
our great listeners
pickled peanuts pickled boiled peanuts
more than once
then we would love to hear your thoughts
welcome to the south and thank you so
much for joining us thank you we love
you smut [ __ ] smut puppies
whatever names you want to go by today
what like all names yeah it's a follow
your bliss follow your bliss um
unless your bliss falls it follows a
similar journey as lucy and vince in
some ways and then um maybe call us
before you follow your bliss and we can
produce that not us just a therapist in
general to be fair i didn't mean that as
a therapist i mormon like it'd be a
funny story to tell on the podcast
i was thinking as a therapist because i
was thinking you need therapy oh no
don't call me if you're needing therapy
no don't i do not want to walk you
through that negative ghostwriter
all right thanks for listening guys
thanks for freaking out i hope you have
a great night bye y'all
next week on smut club really even
funnier side story to me is that one of
the main guys who's like well known in
the pepper eating sure he's made a name
for himself he has i forget
johnny habanero i don't know
i'm making [ __ ] up i do not think that's
his actual name um
my cousin was watching the we're the
champions
series and she texts me and she's like
chelsea oh my gosh i recognize him
johnny habanero i'm totally making up
his name
and i was like what do you mean you
recognize him she's like when i was on a
plane
to your wedding
i was sitting next to him and he was on
his way to a pepper eating competition
and he had a really spicy pepper and he
was making a video of himself and was
like do you mind if i film duh and so
she's like
she found the video and sent it to me
and you can see her shoulder because
they're like on a small plane and she's
leaning out of the shot
she was like i think it's the
competition that they have on the
episode it was filmed amazing right she
was like i sat next to him on the way to
your johnny habanero
well that's it for this week's mutt
[ __ ]
we hope it was good for you because it
sure was great for us
if you're digging what we're doing it
would mean a lot if you'd take a minute
to rate and review the show wherever
you're listening right now
maybe tell that sexy someone to let us
in here
we love you
we appreciate you
and we'll see you next week
stay spotty
[Music]