well
hello all you beautiful people
you know what time it is
[Music]
ladies and gents
guys and dolls and everyone in between
gather round
get you something real nice to sip on
and comfy to slip on
because it's time
for smut club
here's your hosts chelsea and hannah
[Applause]
[Music]
hey everybody welcome to spot club i'm
hannah
and i'm chelsea
welcome here we're glad you're here
i know
how's your day going
what
okay i don't you know i thought i you
missed 100 of the shots you don't take i
thought i'd try something
as the words came out of my mouth i
realized i didn't know what i was trying
um i was like oh
you didn't know what shot you were
taking i did not i it was a blindfolded
shot sure um
did i miss
who can say
you know i'm gonna leave that alone
i'm gonna leave that alone and i'm gonna
let you have it because um i fully
expect to be mocked relentlessly for the
review i have for you guys today so
you know i'm i'm gonna
leave some of my
you're not you're not gonna talk mad
[ __ ] coming out the gate because it's
not
because you're like i will get that
returned to me okay hannah yep what are
what are we reviewing today we are
reviewing bride of shadows by ray watson
not bread of shadows not as my husband
thought you were saying the pride bride
that's a bakery reverse harem
that's some kind of like
she's a baker
and she accidentally summons a demon
wow she's making bread the oven is a
portal to the hellmouth
are we writing a book right now because
i'm writing a book i hate it but i've
also read things that are worse than
what we're pitching yeah
yeah and the thing about this one
actually is that i did like it um
it was different i feel like a lot of
times the storylines of the books we
review are very similar it's like
girl feels sort of pudgy and generally
down on herself hasn't had a great love
life girl that girl who's done on
herself for being pudgy that everyone
else thinks is smoking hot and that her
curves are to die for and luscious yes
luscious is the word and then out super
alpha male shows up and is like i'm into
you baby and she's like big yikes and he
just keeps going for it until eventually
they get together like that's the story
line of the majority of the books um and
this one is not like that it's different
and
so that made it intriguing to me
this is a reverse harem okay and it is
paranormal
so we open with is that is that your
favorite type
paranormal reversal
you know i think i go through phases
um that's you know that's a very fair
assessment because i i'll say there are
times when i like
like bulk download books
and i like look and i'm like did i just
download five mafia reverse param books
and then like the next time i'm like
these are all fluffy warm bowls of
nothing and then like the next time i'm
like these are all
paranormal so i feel you on the phases
yeah yeah lately i have not been on a
reverse harem or paranormal kick it's
been like a
crime fluffy
[Music]
thing
you know you know the ones that are like
in the middle of the yeah
the fluffy crime things the fluffy
crimes
yeah fluffy crime crime committed
against muppets the fluffy crime
what was that melissa carthy
melissa mccarthy muppet
movie oh
it was it was not good i didn't watch it
i know what you're talking about yeah
you didn't miss out on literally
anything noted yeah um but anyway bride
of shadows reverse harem paranormal um
we open with celine so celine is our
main chickie she works for a place
called cronus which is a very super
secret government agency
and i love a good secret agency we do we
love secrecy um she um is an basically
like an intake coordinator for
supernatural creatures
so these creatures are either captured
or volunteer for
like experimentation and study
research and stuff
or they are captured and brought in for
research and she does intakes on them so
in this universe in this world is this
like
are all paranormal creatures captured or
is this like a world where like
paranormal creatures coexist with humans
so
the humans are not aware of the
paranormal creatures okay which is part
of why the government agency is so super
secret because they're trying to hide
the existence of these creatures from
the general public
um
and so her dad is the head honcho of the
lab where she works
so
um
she also so she's like getting ready for
her day
she's apparently like best friends with
the ravens who live in the tree outside
her window so she like gives them
something shiny and is like doing her
thing it's sort of like um
snow white or cinderella like she's
friends with the woodland creatures
um but like the darker
like if edgar allan poe
yes wrote cinderella exactly um and she
also starts talking about how she has
this autoimmune disease um that is
unknown nobody really understands what
it is but she is extremely highly
medicated um to manage this disease
um
and so
her mother
died from the same disease and her dad
is generally very
withdrawn
and he's not very warm and cuddly
towards her
um generally pretty cold
so she gets to work
she's assigned to sub-level z which
she's never been assigned to before
which is where they put like the ultra
baddest of the bad
creatures
and so
um she goes down to do this intake
normally she has some information she
has their name she has their like type
of creature she has a little bit of
information about them
but she goes down to do this intake on
these three
shades and that's all the information
she has they are shades which are kind
of demon that's it thank you for the
clarification i was like
shades like 50 shades
um there are only three
yeah in this paranormal universe there's
only three shades of gray
okay so shades are types of demons yes
got it um
so she has no other information about
them which is highly unusual she also
finds out that four other intake people
have gone down to do their intakes and
have been severely attacked and unable
to complete the intakes
so
she's like
[Music]
so she gets down
down there and she sees these three
glass cubes in this giant room that are
just filled with
swirling darkness
shades of gray exactly okay um and then
slowly the darkness kind of comes
together and forms three men
um who are all super hot
um of course they are so literally my
notes say
um
forms into men who are gorgeous obs
i mean would there be a book if they
were uggos
probably not
i mean i would read it because i would
want to know
how do we get there
but probably not
um
so she goes into the first he says his
name is
aaron
i don't know
can can you spell that because the way
you said it just sounded like you said
aaron pretty slow
a r a w n
a r a
w n
so in the book it actually says
it's like aaron
only longer
stop
it does not say that
that's not an exact quote but she does
say that
iran ron we're just gonna go with iran
so um she goes to him first he tells her
his name
and says uh so she has to collect blood
hair nail scrapings and a bunch of other
stuff a bunch of other measurements and
whatnot
and for some reason
i have a quote here that says her
womanhood pulses with interest stop
[Laughter]
it's like janice dickinson's
autobiography when she kept talking
about her flower tingling like oh i just
i also like that we
we've talked about that before and
you're like yeah i know i know what
janice dickinson's vag was doing
oh no
um pulsating stop
um
so for some reason
yeah
her womanhood pulses with interest
um and he makes really weird comments
about how
um she looks just like her mother she
has her mother's eyes she's like the
[ __ ] are you talking about because she's
never met her mother her mom died when
she was an infant so she's like
who even the [ __ ] are you
um
so uh he tells her that they are not
shades and they are as old as time and
she's like okay
well if you're not shades the [ __ ] are
you
what are you taylor's oldest i know i
almost did that i almost did that but he
does tell her they're as old as time and
um
so all of a sudden she starts to get
super emotional like she's just
overwhelmed um
and he
grabs for her
and the security guy comes in and like
hauls her out
and she just like falls onto the ground
sobbing and coughing up blood
and
yes
um celine starts alluding to this
darkness within her that she's been
keeping repressed for her whole life
um that she feels like it's literally
clawing her insides to get out and it
hurts a lot and that's why she's like
coughing up this blood
so
this is intriguing right yeah so after
three days at home and two days of desk
duty um because she regularly has to
take time off because of this autoimmune
disease they're constantly adjusting her
medications and she's just like
she's never hungry her dad makes her
drink these weird smoothie things she's
just like generally miserable with this
like chronic illness
um
so three days at home two days of death
duty she decides that she's gonna go
back to
sub level z alone
um
so she goes into the room and
then she's like um
this was a mistake like she sees the
darkness swirling and like starting to
form into men and she's like um
i take it back i should go
i should go i should go i should go but
then
iran
says to the other two
enough
and they both say enough and then just
bust out of their cells
um like nothing
like nothing they form back into smoke
you mean out of their prison cells yes i
was thinking like
i was like
you're like they bust out of their cells
i was like and they turn back into smoke
i'm very
okay i see i see where i zigged where i
should have zagged
um so
nothing is actually holding them they
are all there
yeah got it they allow themselves to be
captured and held essentially
so
um they chase her down um and bust out
of the room she's trying to get to the
elevator
um but they grab her and then all of a
sudden a system-wide alarm goes off
um for the entire building so like baby
girl if their cells did not hold them
the elevator
you know probably won't make a
difference she's really trying though
so um she hits a button in the elevator
she tries to get out um because they
like make it to the elevator with her so
they're all
on the elevator so she hits a random
floor to just get out
um but when the doors open it's a
straight up war zone on the floor
because apparently
our lovely friends
uh unlocked every door
they got into the system when they
busted out of their cells
and
opened every door
so all the creatures are out even the
ones who were there voluntarily
so
um there are creatures everywhere she
starts trying to run
um and a guard shows up and she's like
finally i'm gonna be safe awesome but
he's just like
mowing people down like it doesn't
matter if they're creatures or if
they're employees everybody's getting
shot
so oh no
um
balor who's another one of our
shadows
um goes absolutely ballistic and kills
all of the guards like he he
disintegrates into shadow
and then they're just like body parts
flying out of the darkness like he's
just like taking people down
um
so then
um
he says to celine
wild things don't belong in cages and
that includes you
oh so
which was a fun line so then um iran
picks her up throws her over his
shoulder um
and
he's like weirdly caressing her leg
while they're like running through this
war zone and she's
into it but she's like i'm not into it i
can't be into it this is not good none
of this is good she's like stepping into
the celine stop banging exactly she's
like cross your legs god damn
there's like blood and bodies everywhere
we can't be doing this right now um
so uh some more creatures start to
follow her um and she starts to freak
out because they are really really bad
but the third shadow draco
um malfoy
yes um
he just like [ __ ]
rips one of them in half with his bare
hands he's the most unassuming one he's
like the thinnest and like them like he
looks the most kind of
you mean like when we reviewed ruthless
creatures and we were saying like the
quiet ones
exactly exactly exactly got it so he
rips one in half and the other one is
like oh [ __ ] and runs away um i mean i
would run too
yes yeah um so they keep moving um
towards the stairs the elevator is dead
they make it out to the courtyard and
she sees her dad through the window and
she starts screaming for her dad um
and
that's it like he sees her his eyes get
wide and he yells something she can't
hear and then the guys all she calls it
going dark so they all turn into
darkness again and then just like whisk
her away
um and so she do they also turn her into
darkness or she's just like so she's
like floating in it okay floating in
darkness and just like can't see yes but
she describes like a feeling of comfort
like she's freaked out but she's also
like
comfortable as they're moving her
um so
um she is somewhere in the woods and she
knows that she's really far away from
her home
um so she tries to run she screams for
help um
balor turns into a clydesdale
why wouldn't he
i don't know um have you ever seen a
clydesdale in person negative ghost
rider
they're huge
like
like truly so um
busch gardens
ah
bush like being like
am heiser yes um
i don't know why it was related but they
had clydesdales
they had tons of clydesdales at busch
gardens
um and you could like walk through and
they are
they're they are massive i don't like
that
i mean they're just like they're horses
i
actually have a fear of horses they
scare themselves what get out of me
these what is so bad i
i never knew you had a fear of horses i
they really really scare me when i was
like 11 or 12 i went on this horseback
riding thing and for some reason i all i
chose like the oldest most ornery horse
i don't know why
but he
saw the barn like he had already been
problematic through the whole ride but
he saw the barn
when we were almost back and took off at
a gallop through the trees and i got
like cut up like
cut up all over it i'm just screaming my
head off so ever since then i've been
like hard pass on the horses so the idea
of a giant horse
is not something that i would be into
okay that's a valid you had a traumatic
experience um i would recommend just
some like light exposure therapy well i
have done that because i've taken
patients for equine therapy before
um so i can be the first time i did it
it was as a staff outing thing for work
um with an equine therapist and i just
cried in the corner like i just stood in
the corner of the barn and sobbed and
the lady was so nice and she's like it's
okay you're like are you ready to get a
little closer and i was like no and
she's like that's okay you let me know
when you're ready and eventually i did
touch the horse okay and i cried a lot
i'm so freaked out
um but since then i mean i can be near a
horse i would prefer not to be
but i can be near a horse without crying
or hyperventilating so
i love horses
i
once
was oversold the desperation of a
rehabilitation facility needing a equine
therapist and i was told if you are into
horses that would be enough
um
and i had a friend who worked there and
i had a job interview and it was not
enough that was not a great interview
because they said do you ride english or
western and i just went i really like
horses
but also so recently
um my like extended family my sister and
brother-in-law we were all up at my
parents house and i was talking to my
uncle about an aunt who was not on the
trip but i was like yeah do you remember
when her horse got horse napped
and you told me about that well okay but
i have an update on it because what he
goes
no
i don't remember that at all and i was
like
wait what
and he's like i don't remember that
happening
i'm like
oh okay so i like open he and i are like
sitting on like the deck having this
conversation so i open the door inside
the house and my mom and aunt are
sitting there i'm like do y'all remember
when that horse got horse napped
and they're like
no
we'll see we don't remember this like
are you sure that happened she sold the
horse at one point and i was like
maybe i like really made up this whole
thing and my uncle was like
i mean it's a it's a great story
but then
even if it's all lies truly great story
so then the next day i'm like where it
comes back up and i say i'm like
yeah i mean apparently i'm i just like
created the story and i'm the only one
that remembered the horse getting horse
napped and my sister was like no you're
not that happened
that's 100 true and i was but my sister
and i are apparently the only two
that have any recollection
of this horse
getting horse napped
what
it's like honestly it's still kind of
messing with me because like all of the
adults were like we have no idea what
you're talking about my sister's like
yeah that is absolutely true i 100
remember that story
what okay so he turns into a clydesdale
and he turns into a question no it's
fine but my aunt's horse may or may not
have been horse now he turns into a
clydesdale he turns into a clydesdale
and he chases her down
she begs them not to hurt her
um and they are
super confused she's like please don't
hurt me please don't hurt me just take
me home and they're like uh why would we
hurt you exactly like what even are you
saying to us
um so she tells them she really needs to
go home because she needs her medication
because she's sick so she has this
autoimmune disorder she takes all these
pills every day she can't just not take
them
she needs to go home
and they
start laughing
they're they think she's joking about
being sick
and she gets really mad she's like this
is not a [ __ ] joke this is my life i
need my medication like this is not
[ __ ] funny she's like chronic illness
isn't a joke
exactly
but then
iran tells her that she can't get sick
because she's a daughter of the night
are are they
they're sons of the night
they're
they're fathers they're daddies
are there night daddies or the daddies
of the night
night daddies hell yeah oh my god no
well i'm like
oh she's a daughter then i okay i'm
trying to connect the dots here well i'm
gonna connect them for you
right now
if they don't connect to night daddy i
don't wanna well they do connect tonight
daddy but that's not the name he uses
okay
because the name is good
no
so
like damn it night daddy ray watson you
missed an opportunity that's what i'm
going to call him from now on so
iran explains that she is a a daughter
of nyx who is the primordial goddess of
the night yes the greek goddess right
um and they uh the three men are all
pieces of erebus's cloak so erebus um
is nyx's counterpart he's the god of the
knight right
the primordial god
so
he that's like the the greek myth is
that night happens when erebus like
moves over the
sky
and his cloak is the knight so they are
pieces of his cloak
that over time like fell off
and became sentient so they are pieces
of a cloak
what a missed opportunity for night
daddies
right well technically erebus is the
night daddy
um
so they tell her that she is
the daughter of nick's cloak daddy's
daddies that's like a leather kink feels
like
um
which might be appropriate later but
okay
so they're like listen
you are a daughter of the goddess of
night
we are
technically sort of
sons of arabists like
our love is foretold like we
are destined yes
um
and they
explain that arabis and nix have this
like
epic love and so they are
fated to be together they've been
looking for her
they're
they love her already um
and then they they drop the little
tidbit
that they need her to make baby shadows
so they cannot make any babies unless
they have her
they cannot become the cloak daddies
right they can't be true night daddies
without her
um so do they do they really love her or
is she a means to an end so they can
have little shadow babies exactly okay
so um she
doesn't believe any of this she's like
this is the most preposterous [ __ ]
i've ever heard in my [ __ ] life can
you please just take me home so i can
take my meds and go to bed because this
day is stupid she's like i hate
everything about it
um
so iran keeps trying to talk to her wait
what's what do you always what did you
always used to say when we were together
everything is stupid and i hate it yes
that's her describing this day exactly
she's like i am not into any of it um so
iran keeps trying to talk to her and
touch her
and she keeps like flinching away she's
like
don't [ __ ] touch me she's like please
stop
um
and then uh baylor strips for some
reason
is he no longer a clydesdale
no he's back into a human
um and i don't remember when that
happened but he gets naked my my notes
literally say baylor strips for some
reason
and starts to lose his [ __ ] so they they
realize
she's like so could any shadows have
come for me
and baylor like loses it he's like nope
nope not any shadows thank you for
asking absolutely the [ __ ] not is that
like actually true no other shadows or
is that just him
yeah he's already super possessive um so
he starts flipping out at the idea that
other shadows could have gotten to her
first um and she's like i
need a moment thank you for real so she
goes and sits alone and
draco comes over and explains that they
are different kinds of darkness so they
are brothers
not really brothers they're pieces of a
cloak and they they want to be eskimo
brothers they do want to be eskimo
brothers they want to be eskimo daddies
yup
hey there's my puppies
we'll get you right back to the show in
just a moment but first
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tell us in those ratings and reviews
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because you know the first rule of smug
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is to talk about smut club
all right i won't keep you any longer
let's get back to the show
[Music]
so um
he explains that baylor is the scary
kind of darkness where you're in a
haunted house or an old creepy abandoned
building and you're like oh i shouldn't
be here yikes
he's that kind of darkness
um
iran is the comforting kind of darkness
that you get before sleep
um or like very early in the morning
when you wake up before the sun he's
that kind of darkness
and draco is the hollow kind of darkness
just like the nothing kind
um
so she cries and she tells him that um
she really wants to to feel
um and to understand but her head is
just full of static and she just can't
process any of this um and so he holds
holds her hand and she just becomes
overwhelmed with grief um she's just
processing the trauma of having this
chronic illness processing the trauma of
not having a mom processing all of this
stuff and so she just starts [ __ ]
screaming bloody
murder like just starts losing her [ __ ]
and then iran comes up and like touches
her head and basically like puts her to
sleep with his nice comforting darkness
and so she like passes out so was it
draco not malfoy
so i was like was it malfoy star was
malfoy's darkness causing the freak out
it does it's like that is implied okay
um
but not explicitly stated
um daddy you gotta let go
well he was helping her process because
she'd been holding on to all of it and
so she said she wanted to feel it he was
like all right
and like facilitate that process for her
you said so
careful what you wish for boo
well i mean it kind of feels like when
people come into therapy and they're
like right i'm ready to work on this
[ __ ] and you get like one session in and
you're like are you i don't
i don't think you're ready to work on
this
i don't think we're there yeah which is
also okay you don't need to be there
exactly sometimes people will come in
and start talking about stuff and i'm
like
sweetheart
you're not hurting anybody and
everything is fine
this is okay like you're allowed to have
this issue for a minute
how else are you gonna be funny
like we don't need to fix all of it
you gotta leave a little trauma there
for the humor
exactly i saw a tweet about that a
really long time ago i can't remember
that was like
the hardest part about having kids is
figuring out um how to keep them safe
while also giving them just enough
trauma to be funny
i was like that's good
and
accurate
like it's not it's not wrong and there
we are okay so
so
aaron
and then she wakes up with him watching
her
um and she is in a lot of pain by this
point she has missed several doses of
her medication
um and she is really really hurting
so um she goes off to pee
and two ravens are watching her
and she has started to put together some
of these guys like their powers and she
realizes that obviously they can
shape-shift if baylor can turn into a
clydesdale they can shape-shift so she's
like are they watching me pee right now
because i am not into that like
the [ __ ]
um
so she goes back by the fire
all three are there so she's like maybe
they weren't watching me
i don't know
something else
is watching her creepy yeah so she goes
back they built her a fire um
but she's very very nauseous
um
and
they start
basically taking care of her they're
picking stuff out of her hair they
hunted some rabbits for her they're like
doing all this stuff to try to keep her
well
um
and
baylor is absolutely oblivious to how
sick she is and is like skinning these
rabbits in front of her and she's like i
will
vomit on you like
you've got to stop
um
and then she does she throws it
everywhere
um so the guys take her to some unknown
city where they get a hotel for her to
rest in
they realized that they tried to care
for her in the woods and like give her
food and keep her warm and everything
but um
she just feels really really terrible
because she's been without her meds for
so long
so um some guys come into the parking
garage so they like leave her
in the parking garage with baylor
and then the other two go in to like get
them a room or whatever and these guys
come by the parking garage where
um
baylor's with celine
and um
one asks if celine is okay because she's
clearly not feeling well
um and baylor does
not appreciate it and he just goes like
full darkness and scares the absolute
living [ __ ] out of this poor little
hipster boy who just wanted to ask if
she was okay because she's a girl in a
parking garage alone with a massive dude
i'm not loving his energy no i'm also
not she is also not she gets very angry
she's like that was completely unfucking
necessary what is wrong with you
so
um he's like uh
nobody should be talking to you but me
and my brothers so
sorry not sorry
um she's like that's unnecessary and
he's like i'm doubling down yeah he's
like i don't feel bad
um so then she's in the hotel bath and
around shows up and he's like don't be
scared of us like you don't need to be
scared of us
and he keeps talking and talking and
talking about how epic their love is and
how epic you know their whole story is
going to be
draco shows up with rose petals and they
like candles for her and they do all
this romantic [ __ ] um iran kisses her
and it's
a lot it's very overwhelming for her um
and he starts caressing her which is
fine um my notes say
until he gets to the money bits and she
panics
yeah i mean
they're they're coming on very strong
because it's one of those where they're
like well our love is pre-destroyed and
we've known about you forever and she's
like
i've known about this for 24 hours i
don't really know if it's true and i
feel like a human dumpster fire
or rather
a paranormal dumpster fire exactly yeah
well she's human
she's human
um
but she's not fully human
she so technically she is as far as she
knows
as far as she knows yeah so they keep
telling her she's a daughter of knight
but she's like the [ __ ] does that even
mean like i know my dad
i'm not
yeah my mom is dead y'all are [ __ ]
crazy
um
so
she
is like please don't touch me
did you take me
just to like breed me basically is that
what's happening here and draco's like
yup
that man does not pull any punches he is
not
smooth
um so ron explains that they want her to
be free because she was
she doesn't know it but she was also in
captivity with cronus and so
yes they also want to make babies
because they love her
but ultimately they want her to be free
so
a week later
celine has detoxed from all those [ __ ]
that she was on
and she wakes up starving so it's been a
week of them like trying to force feed
her and like taking care of her she
feels like trash she wakes up she is so
hungry
um
food has never been appealing before now
it's always made her feel sick but now
she is like
will eat anything she is so hungry so
she goes to eat she's moaning like mad
ron orders one of everything on the menu
from room service
um all three three guys start to get
handsy
um
and
um so she starts responding to each
um and they the this is a quote they
surrender to her so i guess they're like
i don't know what that means
i don't i was gonna guess but i don't
actually know what that means i don't
know
were there context clues
do i want the context clue so i think it
was basically like they were
holding back from her because she was so
sick they were just trying to take care
of her and then it was like
she like bit one and like
grabbed another and was basically like
asserting herself i guess in the
situation and they're like all right
we're glad you feel better
they're like i guess it's time to make
shadow babies yes and just when they are
about to
uh room service shows up
um
and she eats
a lot
so then um iran takes her shopping
because she has no clothes um and they
don't pay for anything so because he is
so comforting
he's just like thanks guys
and they leave
um
at first she's like we can't just like
steal this stuff
and he's like
please don't worry about it like we're
not stealing from mom and pop shops here
like they're fine we're stealing from
target they can afford the loss this is
like a boutique situation they're fine
so
um and then they go to a park where
draco is having a very weird interaction
with a kid and i don't know why this
stood out to me so much because it means
nothing in the context of the story but
he's like standing there and this little
kid is like staring at him and eating
chips and draco is like just looking
back at him and the kid just like offers
him some chips and draco like
takes one and just
keeps staring at this kid and then
ultimately the kid is like
like shrugs and runs away and draco's
like
uh
can i have more chips
so
yeah it turns out that people generally
don't notice him you know his darkness
is the nothing darkness yeah so this kid
just
locked on to him for some reason and had
that interaction with him which i
thought was really funny
um so
uh iran goes off somewhere and leaves
celine with draco he protects her like
some dogs kind of get rowdy and he like
gets all weird and alpha about it um but
he's very very sweet in an awkward weird
way
so
iran shows back up with some hot dogs
she is [ __ ] starving like she cannot
stop eating at this point
um
and then she said she feels like they're
buttering her up for something and iran
tells her to think of it as flirting um
and she's like i
don't get it you guys just literally
like want me to make babies for you like
this is not
yeah this is not hot
um
so draco asks um if they should just
chain her to a bed
because obviously she's into it so he's
like
should we just get down to it
and iran explains that they could have
forced her
technically like they're stronger than
her how generous of them um to
wait for consent right this is not
points in your column jackass
so we could have forced ourselves upon
you and we didn't do we not get credit
for that exactly that's the energy
um um real fast
when i used to work crisis
a mom
was like hey my like her 10 year old
needed a crisis assessment
and she was like i found out
when his little sister has been crying
he has been like putting a pillow over
her face
yeah real not good situation and she was
like he's
really charming and he's really
manipulative and he will try and talk
his way out of this also worth noting
that like
they lived in a two-bedroom apartment
and it was like mom and boyfriend in one
room and like ten-year-old brother and
two-year-old sister were sharing your
room which i'm like developmentally is
not a good
idea um but they had limited space
training not to be judgmental so i like
going to this assessment
and like
he was an attractive 10 year old like
he's one of those 10 year olds that i
was like
you when you are going to be a very
attractive man when you grow up in a way
that's pretty and yeah yes and i'm like
if you keep on this trail you will be
murdering girls in college bars kind of
energy oh
but like
you will be very unassuming and they
will go with you willingly was kind of
so
what it made me think of was that during
this this assessment and i don't
remember the specific number of days um
but i'm sitting there talking to this
kid and he's like
i didn't know i was hurting her i just
like when she was crying i just like put
my hand over her mouth and pressed down
a little bit
um because i like wanted her to stop
crying i didn't know she couldn't
breathe
okay
and then he like keeps going and he's
like and i haven't done it that often
i've only done it like
20 times
and like oh like in a year and it's been
two years like 40 times so like what's
365 plus 365. and he's like doing this
math and i'm like no no no
you don't get credit for all of the days
you didn't
do this
that's not
but like that was literally the logic
this kid was trying to come at me with
and i'm like no no
that's not how this works
but yeah when it's like do we not get
credit for the fact that we didn't
tie you up on a bed and make you have
our little shadow babies
that's what it made me think of that is
that is the energy yeah
um
and um but iran is like listen we care
about you a lot that's what we're trying
to tell you we love you
offstring our offspring are a bonus like
we'd be into that but that's not the
primary objective
so um baylor has been in a haunted house
just scaring the [ __ ] out of people
so it turns out that he basically
consumes people's terror like that's how
he
feeds so he's just scaring the pants off
folks in a haunted house because
apparently it's october you know we all
have our thing
so
um
so then they decide to go to a club
because she's never really been to a
nightclub um and she's never been drunk
before because she's been out with
co-workers to drink but she's never been
able to get drunk so she's like
let's do it up like let's go drinking
let's see if now that i'm hungry i can
also get drunk
yes okay so
she really can't she drinks so much she
does get a little bit tipsy um decides
to dance um
draco is absolutely miserable he is not
into any of this iran is not into it
either but baylor is like let's dance
babe let's do this [ __ ]
um so they dance they have a great time
um they kiss but then she panics and
remembers him saying that um
she is a womb to be filled
and
so she slaps him off of her
he storms after her that's kind of some
mixed messages and if anyone just heard
that little rumbling in the background
that is my pug
snoring at our feet
he doesn't like to sit very far away
are you not are you not entertained
brandon
do you not find us funny
do you not find the shadow darkness
funny apparently not okay um so
she's into it and then she's like i
remember that he said this that's kind
of mixed messages
i feel like they are mixed messages
this is all around it's all kind of
chaotic yeah okay nobody's like in the
right here nobody's doing a great job
communicating so she's like
you know
her hormones are into it and then she's
like oh wait a minute he just literally
wants to get me pregnant and whatever
so
um
my notes say he gets big mad and tells
her
to say it tell him that he's using her
he says that over and over tell me that
i'm using you tell me that i'm using you
um
and she doesn't say anything so he eats
her out
i
so he makes like a little shadow room so
she has run away from him she is under
the stairs in the club so he like puts
up shadows hannah
i'm gonna pause you okay details don't
make it better
tried that like i was like well context
help and then you started giving context
i was like it will not but at least it's
not on the middle of the dance floor
that makes it better
it'd almost be better if it was in the
middle of the dance floor
okay
[Laughter]
okay i feel appropriately chastised
you feel chastised
let's process that
no i was trying to think of the word but
like no you're right it doesn't get
better like no no no chelsea he made a
shroud of darkness around her before i'm
like oh okay
yeah it's not better it's not better so
um she has a super intense orgasm and he
says again tell me that i'm using you
like tell me now
and um
she pushes past him and
she sees iran um and draco kind of like
watching and she runs past them and goes
into the bathroom
so this is
messy it's so messy and it only gets
messier because then she's in the
bathroom and she sees this girl
um
and
you know that we love supportive women
in a bathroom at the bar like that's
where
magic happens yes you will get
such a pep talk from a stranger and the
best lipstick and just like the most
love
i've i've never shared lipstick with a
stranger
it's probably wise
in fairness but i do feel like there's
always some girl crying
who's just getting a great pep talk yes
absolutely okay so
there's a girl in the bathroom
yes um this is not one of those times so
there's a girl in the bathroom and she
says that she is from cronus and she is
there to rescue her she's like we've
been tracking you we're here for you
let's go
[Music]
so
um celine doesn't really want to go oh
she just had a great orgasm she did and
she's feeling
physically way better now that she's not
on all those drugs and she's like that
don't make no sense they told me i would
die
but i feel better but instead i ate a
cheeseburger
exactly yeah weird had a cheeseburger
had a great orgasm
that's not what they do do i really want
to go back there exactly fair um but the
chick drags her out
and the guys obviously know what's going
on and they show up
um and she is
so i it's very unclear how all of this
happens it's very unclear but somehow
she is being hauled through a cronus
facility the guys
know what's going on so they show up
um and
when the chick realizes that this isn't
gonna go well
um she turns her gun on celine
um
to try to get away
she's like
um i'm not here to die
for this [ __ ] so i'm just gonna pull my
gun
um which doesn't make any sense no not
at all um and celine gets boost
and she goes to like grab the girl and
breaks her wrist and she's like the [ __ ]
how did i do that
oops
um
and so then she realizes that everything
the guy said were was true everything
about her she'd always been a cronus
prisoner that was not her dad
she's always just been an experiment
they were drugging her it's terrible
it wasn't her dad she well that's what
they told her and she's like well maybe
that's true like maybe he wasn't really
my dad maybe he was just some researcher
um
so
uh then the guys kill this chick
after she tries to shoot celine
and they
whisk her up and take her away so they
wind up on a beach and celine has a full
rage breakdown about what a lie her life
was before
because she's been told she has this
chronic illness she's been told that
she's weak she's been told that this is
her dad she's been told she can't leave
the base
because it's not safe because she's so
sick
and all of this stuff and none of that
is true um so
then she
starts making out with draco and he's
like what is happening right now
um
and baylor comes up and eats her out
again
while ron comes up behind her and starts
taking her dress off so they're just on
a beach somewhere in the middle of
nowhere
um
she comes again and then uh iran starts
making moves
and
she's like leaning forward on baylor
ron is still behind her
um
she is like p.s i'm a virgin
like
i've been terribly sick my entire life
so
never really got the chance for this
um
and so can smoke penetrate you
apparently because iran says that he
will stop any time she wants all she has
to do is speak up
and
my notes say he [ __ ] her very gently
from behind while she's still leaning on
baylor who's playing with her [ __ ] and
giving her a lot of like verbal praise
um
she she but she has sex with them i feel
like this is
too much detail it gets weirder which is
why i said something about it it doesn't
matter you're right it doesn't matter
um
so highlights hannah highlights
so then this storm starts which is why i
was getting into all the details so all
the storm starts
and um
it keeps getting worse like as the sex
is getting more and more intense um and
draco's like
she's like are you doing that and
draco's like no honey you're doing that
and she's like um what um okay
um
so then
that they finish and then
there we go everybody finishes
everybody gets an orgasm everybody well
no draco doesn't draco doesn't and
baylor doesn't but iran and celine all
get orgasms so then both get organized
yes sure i'm sure the other two enjoyed
it but there's no indication if they
came or not because they didn't
technically do a whole lot with her so
then they all go into this dilapidated
lighthouse thing to rest she wakes up
she's surrounded by all of these men
she decides she's going to go outside to
pee and take a walk on the beach when
you say surrounded by all these men we
just mean the three right we don't mean
like the ravens i don't i don't mean any
strangers yeah um so then um two demons
show up while she's going for a walk on
the beach um and one looks at her eyes
and said that she's more of a [ __ ] than
her dad said that she was um and iran
shows up to the rescue
crowd after you lost your virginity
right
um baylor and draco show up and kill the
demons they're like weird shape-shifty
things like hellhounds or something um
and then she
is like um can somebody tell me what the
[ __ ] is wrong with my eyes that these
demons looked at them and said that i
was a [ __ ] while you're a [ __ ]
right she's like can somebody explain
this [ __ ] to me real quick please thank
you
and so
um
he tells her that they are fully black
today they were previously blue they're
fully black today um because their
darkness is in her and she's like what
and he's like yo prego
stop
yeah
they boned once
and then the next morning
her eyes are a different color so she's
pregnant and she is [ __ ] livid she is
livid like you would not believe i mean
i get it
and right so then she starts demanding
answers
from the guys who have none
she's like okay so how long am i going
to be pregnant what am i even giving
birth to what's the birthing process
like somebody explained this [ __ ] to me
and they're like um
they're like these are great questions
they're like single
shoulder shrug we don't know
so sorry
um they're like it varies
among the daughters of nyx
we really don't know
um but it shouldn't last longer than a
day
she's like the [ __ ] the pregnancy only
lasts one day yep
um
so she is just super emotional and
exhausted she's like why did you even
pick me
like why would you pick me but just
because i was available like this is
[ __ ] stupid
um and they shower her with all these
compliments and then draco's like but
why did you pick us
and
she starts to answer and then all of a
sudden she goes into
major amounts of pain
and it's apparently her labor
24 hours later it's i is 24 feels like a
stretch
they slept they woke up she got into a
fight with some demons on the beach yep
and then she's in labor
so like maybe 12 hours depending on how
much sleep they got you're tracking
so she runs out she's screaming like mad
um and then a shadow comes pouring out
of her mouth
and
like races over the sea and that's it
apparently that's what my notes say and
that's it apparently
that's her giving birth
will they ever know their shadow babies
not really
um which is very emotional for her so
she asks if that's what's gonna happen
every time they have sex and iran is
like there's a lot more to pleasure than
penetrative sex so
so yes so i said that's a weird thing to
say that's what's in my notes is this
gonna happen every time we have sex
there's other things we can do and
you're like so yes every time we have
sex that will happen so we have to get
creative with other options
yes
got it yeah
so then um she starts getting ragey
about not knowing how to do anything
um
she can't do anything for herself
because her dad has been keeping her so
sheltered for so long
um and baylor says that um and she
definitely doesn't know how to do
anything sexual and baylor is like
learning with us will be fun wink wink
um so then he there's more sex with
draco i'm not gonna go into it
that i have a lot of specific notes we
don't need to know about
um but i will say there is some slurp in
the gherkin
and then
some other stuff but it's like a
threesome situation
um there's [ __ ] there's threesomes
yeah and draco is usually very dominant
but he is
baylor explains to her he's giving her
the gift of submission
um
because she doesn't know anything
yes um
so he's giving the gift of submission
she's giving the gift of her mouth
there's a heavy focus on her autonomy
and consent which is nice
um so then you got autonomy i heard
anatomy
[Laughter]
i mean that too yeah
that's that's also fair but her autonomy
her anatomy i skimmed and consent
you her bits
you skimmed her bits the money bits
they skimmed her bits too
no
okay
so um
celine wants to learn more about her
origins and she wants to know why her
mom never came for her like why didn't
my mom ever
come find me she just left me there and
draco is like
do you know where your offspring is
right now
and she's like
uh low [ __ ] blow dude no i don't know
where my offspring okay but also a valid
question when she's feeling salty
right he's like gods do [ __ ] different
babe this is just the way that it is
yeah um and so
um
she gets followed by another demon so
she's like i need a minute i'm gonna go
get some coffee she's followed by
another demon
um
she lures him outside he gets taken out
and
celine is like how the [ __ ] do they keep
finding me this is [ __ ] ridiculous i
don't understand and the guys are like
oh
we might know and we're really sorry
so there's a tracking brand like in her
skin on her scalp they're like these
runes and stuff on her skull
so they need to be removed that's how
they're being tracked
um and so
um she refuses to be sedated at all and
the guys are
not pleased they're like please let us
put you out this is gonna suck so
[ __ ] bad and she's like nope
so i
i'm not rooting for anyone in this
like not especially
she's kind of annoying and whiny mm-hmm
and then like
they're like let us help you and she's
like no but i have a feeling then it's
gonna hurt her and she's gonna complain
well so actually what happens is draco
winds up cutting them out and because
she didn't
use any sedation she has this like major
power shift ravens all start flocking to
her um and she
apparently awakens her powers through
this
experience i mean okay fine yeah
um so they've been globe trotting for a
month we're skipping ahead they've been
globetrotting for a month they see
things they experience things they have
a great time um she's about getting
better at controlling her shadows um she
can make clothes out of her shadows and
she can do other stuff
um ravens still follow her everywhere
um
sometimes they spend time all together
but she also likes to take them on like
individual dates
um
so they have solo time together so
um she is in a redwood forest with
baylor apparently there's a primal king
situation they like to chase each other
around and [ __ ] in the forest which is
fine like you can be into that i'm not
into that because i like to be
indoors
i'm not i'm not an out-of-doors person
you're like because this one time when i
was young i went on a horseback ride
and
yeah we went through the forest when he
saw the barn and i got cut up and i'm
also just painfully pale and bugs like
me a lot like i went to the beach last
weekend and i am covered in bites
like i'm covered in bites i don't
understand
it's very frustrating for me
i don't like to be outside
no i mean i get it i wear normally like
a long-sleeve rash guard swim top
because of how pale i am 100 yeah
100
um i also feel like if you're gonna [ __ ]
on the forest floor
there's a lot of dirt there's a lot of
twigs there's a lot of
small
woodland creatures that's what i'm
saying
i don't want any part of that personally
well hannah the that's not what you were
saying the reason you gave is that
you're pale
and and i don't like bugs
well that's that's creatures i don't
want to be bitten
and it's dirty i was more thinking of
like squirrels watching
i was thinking less of bug bites
so you're concerned about a chipmunk
rubbing one out
oh wow
um i don't think i was i wasn't thinking
of a chipmunk masturbating why are they
watching you
because they
they don't see it very often
oh my gosh they have some questions so
it's the novelty of it yes it is the
novelty of watching the sexual
experience
um yeah it was less about the bugs but i
do you know
i can see to your point where you're
like no chelsea
i'm covered in bug bites and that was
from the beach that wasn't even from the
[ __ ] forest floor exactly um that's
the same reason i don't want to bang on
the beach there's sand everywhere oh my
gosh look at that [ __ ] that okay actual
question though okay
either or like would you if you had to
choose one
would you choose forest floor
or beach
forest floor yeah i think forest floor
the sand man
not like not [ __ ] the sand
man like
the sand i mean
i swear like you go to the beach for one
day
and like you will have sand in your car
for months even when you clean very
thoroughly
exactly and i don't want sand other
places
no
it is abrasive
[Laughter]
that is the worst no one needs the extra
friction
well no and we don't need that kind of
exfoliation we don't
exfoliate
yeah i'm like what are you trying to
exfoliate because that i don't want that
i'm not yeah not like that was like the
colloquial you i know you're not trying
to exfoliate your coochie
thanks for that buddy yeah no i would
also say forest floor
and give the chipmunks a show
yep we'll put on a show for alvin and
the chipmunks oh alvin
so anyway
um
so she is thinking about
they're in the forest they're they're
doing this primal kink chase thing
um
so they realize that they cannot just
continue to just have vaginal sex
because they will
drown the world in shadows that's a
direct quote
so
um they have showed her
um all different ways to experience
pleasure she's into it um
but she has had
three more shadow babies in this month
that they've been traveling lord
um
so then she's on a date um with draco
watching the northern lights
um
he tells her that love is like the abyss
and she gives it meaning it's very
romantic little moment between them
um because he's the darkness of nothing
he's like
love is like nothing you give it meaning
like oh
i guess um i guess it's all about
perspective because
to him
exactly that does matter
to me i'm like
oh
okay like if my husband said that it
wouldn't it wouldn't hit the same way no
no
yeah it does hit for celine
um so they start making out um she's
hoping it'll escalate a little bit um
but she's prego again and goes into
labor well he there on this date
um she holds her she gives birth she
really is super bummed that the shadows
just like go away like they just
disappear
um and she's like i wish they would hang
out for a little while like
i wish i could know my children exactly
yeah
um so she's a little sad draco sits with
her and holds her hand
and then the guy the guy surprised her
to by taking her to an old altar to nix
um this like ancient altar she starts to
get super emotional and without really
thinking about it she forms a black
wedding dress
um and makes like all of these black
butterflies like everywhere
um so she declares her love for them
um
they start making out um
they have well there's a lot of sex
there's a lot of detail that i don't
need to give you
um
but yeah she bangs all three at once
basically
and
um
blah blah blah i hope the wedding dress
she made was not constrictive
apparently not um had strategically
placed holes uh yeah she did
[Laughter]
no okay
um so then they all fall asleep so they
have this epic bang session on the altar
to her mother
and then they all fall asleep what a way
to honor your mother's memory i guess um
so then celine wakes up to this female
voice calling out to her from the woods
and i'm like baby girl no
have we learned nothing about anything
we don't follow voices into the woods
but she follows the voice do not follow
your caucasian curiosity
right into the woods
the caucasity don't do it it's true
don't do it
um but she follows and she finds nyx who
looks um identical to her like they are
[ __ ] identical
um only nyx is a giant
but then she like shrinks down into
human size
um
nyx explains that celine is actually one
of her feathers
so she has wings
and
so cronus
set up
that altar so it's a fake altar
they set it up to try to capture her
and
um
when they
made the attempt they got some of her
feathers
and so
celine
um
is one of those feathers
and so
celine is like why didn't you come for
me i needed you and she's like
you didn't need me look at you you're
fine
um
and then she gives her the title of
goddess of ravens bats and black cats
is that going on your business card
if i could get away with it i would
it's your new email signature
goddess of ravens bats and black cats
um
and then nyx disappears and the guys
show up
they go back to the altar
um celine has burned some more darkness
because there was a [ __ ] in three-way
apparently and so or four away or
whatever the [ __ ]
so
so she's prego again so she gives birth
she decides she wants to do it alone
um
and so she spends some time with the
darkness like
it's a shadow she plays with it in the
forest and then it runs away um baylor
went to the village to terrorize some
some villagers
and
um iran went to put together like a
celebration for her new title
so she's hanging out in the forest and
draco's been waiting for her and she
hears this horrible scream by the altar
and so
um it turns out that another
tatter piece
of erebus cloak
um
is there trying to kill draco
so he is attacking him he says his name
is adam
and he's come to take her home
um it turns out there was a a cronus
camera there the whole time so got the
whole
bang fest that happened on the ultra
well i mean i was wondering when we
found out like it had been a cronus
sight to capture next yeah yeah so
they knew they were there the whole time
so
um she pretends to surrender to save
draco
um so
she
makes adam think that she is bored with
her three men
and draco begs her to run
um
but she agrees to go with adam
and says it's time to put an end to this
so she goes
they land in um
the
cronus courtyard
and there's security everywhere adam
keeps trying to touch her and she keeps
telling him to like back the [ __ ] up
like don't [ __ ] touch me and he's
like oh but baby like we're meant to be
we have an epic love and she's like we
do not don't [ __ ] touch me i need to
have an epic love with someone else who
told me i had an epic love with him
three other someones
so um her dad comes out and adam tells
her to go to him
um
and then they can have their alone time
so she turns around and [ __ ]
disintegrates him she gets so angry she
loses her [ __ ] and she disintegrates
adam or her dad adam apparently she's a
lot more powerful than she realized and
she disintegrates him
um and then she inhales his essence
which is dark and weird
but that's what happens
um so then her dad is like
just come back inside like we have a lot
to talk about i'm so sorry like just
come on
and um
as her dad is essentially distracting
her somebody tries to tranquilize her
and she like pulls out the tranq and is
like that is a
super cute attempt
but you probably should have worked on
your formula a little more because i
feel nothing and like throws the trach
back at them
and then the shadows show up her dad
continues to try to berate her tell her
that um
she
is
nothing that she is basically a piece of
trash and just an experiment that he's
ashamed of
um but she shows her power so she like
lets all this darkness like leak from
her and like go in between the legs of
all these security guys and they're like
oh [ __ ]
oh no
so she like just covers everything in
darkness and um
she uh
basically is like
if you come after me again
i will destroy all of you
but we're gonna go now
so this is your last chance
so she turns to leave but her dad pulls
a gun on her
and so she sends the darkness
like into his mouth and makes him
explode
so that
happens
and then she tells all the other
cronus people um to leave them alone or
they can suffer the same
for the record y'all i'm just like
blinking
i'm just like
garlic i'm sorry i told you it was
different it was fun
but anyway so now we're at the epilogue
babe we're almost there
i'm still just blinking at hannah
this is the whole book
so celine has been
um they've been traveling
she's been learning
they're having fun
they have settled in tuscany um and they
just collect black cats that have been
kind of discarded on the streets she
collects them they've built little
houses for wayward bats when they're in
their travels and they have ravens that
live in their olive trees
everyone is very happy and super chill
and that's it
the end
it was a fun read
i liked it
um
okay so let's summarize
no because if you summarize it i won't
like it anymore
like i already know i won't like it
anymore
what what do you mean you won't like it
if i summarize it you literally just
said that you liked it and it was fun
and i'm like let me summarize it and
you're like that will ruin everything it
will because if i hear it all condensed
at one time i'm gonna realize how
terrible it is
yeah so she works for a secret lab yep
um
the darkness
were they there to get her because
nothing yeah okay so the darkness shows
up to get her
they get her
she has all of their little darkness
babies
she kills the dude who
captured like you like raised her in
captivity
and then she moves to tuscany
yep
that's it you nailed it
yeah i'm gonna i don't know i'm gonna
let you just be the keeper of that book
um
i
listen but i also feel like there's a
lot of books that like when we review
them and like say
[ __ ] out loud the other person just like
what the [ __ ] did you even read but then
you're like but damn it actually reading
it
it wasn't like it was an
enjoyable experience it was yeah
yeah um
and i'm i'm
i want that for you hannah
and i'm glad you had that with this book
thank you so much
yeah
are we are we doing
bats are we doing ravens i was just
thinking i don't know what kind of scale
i think probably ravens
are we doing demon darkness babies
let's do ravens for those who don't know
i actually have a raven tattoo
i like ravens
yeah ravens are dope
yeah okay anyway the way you said it was
like uh
like you had this look on your face like
i don't even know how you're like oh i
but i i like ravens and i'm like
well yeah you don't have to not like
ravens
well this book was weird but like i said
it was different it was not like
anything else i had read before which is
part of why i appreciated it
so
i'm gonna go with
um
i don't know
maybe like
four out of seven ravens
i'm i'm probably going to go fewer
ravens
i'm not it's totally fair that's totally
fair
what i don't know like maybe
maybe three
out of out of more than seven
um
like you go four out of seven i go three
out of eight are they really that far
off from each other does doesn't matter
does any of this matter
no no it does nothing matters
nothing matters wow we're getting into
some deep philosophical [ __ ] about what
we do with our life and our time um i'm
having fun so that's all that matters
really
yes
yeah
yeah um
so that's it guys
i've stumped chelsea does this book
break me
chelsea appears broken i'm just she's
continuing to just blink at me i don't
i don't think this was the book for me
and that's totally okay it is okay yeah
that's okay it's it's cool to like other
things like it's cool to have difference
of opinions and to like things that like
not everyone has to like all of the same
things yeah and that's cool that there's
so many options that like everyone can
find something that's enjoyable for them
even if other people don't find that
that thing is enjoyable for them
um thank you for validating differences
in taste yeah anytime
um oh my god okay three out of eight
four out of seven
you tell us what your thoughts are smut
puppies
we really appreciate you smut [ __ ]
hopefully you weren't just sitting and
blinking at me the way chelsea was
and you know what if you were that's
okay we'll get you next time but
regardless stay safe out there and uh
keep reading smut i guess keep reading
smut we'll see you soon bye
well that's it for this week's mutt
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