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it's parents themselves

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like we have to have a lot of compassion for ourselves

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and we have to take a good look at ourselves

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and to be able to take care of ourselves

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because this is an incredibly

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incredibly hard job and I think just the

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raising good humans

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comes from a place of deep compassion for parents

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cause it's so hard to be a parent

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we're so we have so little

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you know in the United States

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we have very few resources directed at parents

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and very little support and we're all on our own

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hi welcome back to raising Men today

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on the podcast we're joined by Hunter Clark Fields

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she is the best selling author of Raising Good Humans

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and Raising Good Humans every day

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and she's a creator of the Mindful Mama podcast

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and Mindful Parenting training

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Hunter's books bring clarity

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wisdom

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and real tactical tools that we can use right away

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so let's jump right in hunter welcome to raising men

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thank you I'm so glad to be here Shawn

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I think it's it's an honor to have you

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I I really

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really appreciate you taking the time

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so tell me what is a good human to you

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that's a good question I mean

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when I think about that what I want for my kids

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and what I want for other kids is

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I want them to be um

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to feel comfortable in their own skin

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I want them to feel

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you know

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secure and comfortable in their own skin so that

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and so they can process their emotions and they can

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go you know

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make choices

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and go out into the world and do what they wanna do

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you know kind confident kids who are

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you know a

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a a little aware of themselves

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aware of themselves aware of others

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but I want that feeling of

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just comfort in their own skin

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that's kind of really what I'm

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what I'm going for

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for when I think about a good human cause

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then from that secure base of solidity and security

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then they can just make all kinds

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of decisions about the world and how to be

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yeah you need a secure base to thrive and

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you know that's

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that's really what you want for your kids right

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you want them to thrive maybe even more than you did

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yeah yeah

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yeah I mean yeah

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you do want it kind of more than

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than you did

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but I think that one of the interesting things about

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you know parenting is that

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it always sort of points back to ourselves

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you know like we have um

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enormous influence on the

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the sort of emotional weather in our household

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um in our kids

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you know as far as like

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feelings and a sense of security and ease go

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that's those are things that um

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you know we humans

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we inter are like we feel each other's feelings

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yeah very palpably

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even through zoom you and I are talking

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you can you

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you'll be you know

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without knowing whether I'm tense

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or whether I'm not tense

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or all of those different things

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and I can see the same about you

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and so when you're in the same room

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in the same household with your kids

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they can feel that so much

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so we have

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you know we want that for them

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we want them to thrive so much and

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and but it's important to realize that like

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the best parenting that we're ever doing

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is in modeling so if we're show

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you know we can't just tell them how to be

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and hope for it for them we have to

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we have to live what we want our kids to learn

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we have to show them how to

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how to do those different things right

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we have to model right

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I think that's the most important thing is that

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you know

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you know we all want our kids to be able to

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stop crying and calm down

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and regulate emotions and things like that

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but they need to watch us do it

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so we need to so for a lot of us

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we need to sort of learn how to do it ourselves

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cause I mean

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at least for me

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I was taught like just don't cry and go to your room

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basically don't have those feelings or whatever it is

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right and

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and and really we have to recognize that um

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you know

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there's nature and there's nurture and nature is really

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really strong

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and kids come in all kinds of genetic flavors

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et cetera but we do have enormous influence

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and not so much in like what we're saying or doing

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but like who and in who we are and how we are being

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yeah I have been uh

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blessed or cursed

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depending on how you want to look at it

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with a son who feels everything so deeply

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that I became aware at a pretty early age for him that

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at how much my unregulation impacts him

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I so for example

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we'll be I

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I take him to school in the mornings

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and it's it's a seven minute walk

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but for me

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it feels very important that we make absolute sure

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that we're not late

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that was a triggering thing for me as a child

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my mom was always dropping me off at school late

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and then the kid gets punished

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when the parent is completely out of their control

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it's it's horrible and

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and so I feel a great deal of anxiety in the mornings

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if we're not on time

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and there will be times where I will be like

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come on man let's go

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we gotta go we gotta go

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and I'll kind of get on him about that

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because of the anxiety that I'm feeling

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and it completely spins him off the rants

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and we've had situations where in fact

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and and one of

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kind of

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my central principles about sending him to school is

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I don't

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I will not send him to school when he's in a frenzy

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when he's unregulated

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because I'm gonna get a phone call from the principal

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it happens 90% of the time

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and it's a negative experience for him

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it's a negative experience for the school

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for the other kids everything

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so what we'll do instead is just take

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a walk around the block so

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it turns out that if I get all stressed out

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and unregulated and start pushing him to move faster

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and all that stuff number one

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he's gonna move slower number two

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he's gonna be unregulated and then we're

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we're not even gonna be able to go to school on time

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we're gonna have to walk around the block

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for 10 minutes

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yeah it takes so much longer yeah

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I mean that's the interesting you know

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there's all the communication skills and

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and raising good humans and

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and people push back against them like oh

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but that takes so much time

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but it has it takes so much longer

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when everyone gets totally disregulated

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and your kid is losing it

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and you're losing it it takes way longer yeah yeah

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it's like you're

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you're you're driving a train and the train

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you know if you if you push the train too fast

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it'll go off the rails

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and then you gotta get the train back on the rails

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somehow

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it takes way longer than if you just slow down by 10%

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and took the corner at a nice

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leisurely pace you'd be fine and you'd be on your way

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well I'm glad you're seeing that about yourself

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I mean I was like that I was totally like that too

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like when my kid was 3 and 2 and we

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we walked to a school too

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actually like a five minute walk away and um

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and yeah and time pressure was such a thing for me and

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and I think someone asked me yesterday in an interview

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someone said like you know

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what would you you know

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what advice would you give your younger self

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and I would say

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tell my younger self to kind of slow down yeah

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slow down man because

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because yeah it

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it it always makes everything worse

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when we get disregulated

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and that's not to say that like we're gonna

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like we're gonna not be perfect

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we're gonna yell we're gonna lose our cool

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that's definitely gonna happen for everyone

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even for people who are listening to parenting podcast

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right like it's definitely gonna happen right for you

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and that's okay like

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it's good like our kids don't need perfect parents

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they don't need you to be perfect

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in fact it would be terrible for them

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if you were always perfect and regulated

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and like they never saw a human losing it

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yeah they wouldn't know how to deal with anything right

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so you know

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we need to be ourselves we need to be imperfect

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but yeah like getting ourselves

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getting so anxious ourselves

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you know when we get

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when we get anxious when we get um

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frustrated when

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when we yell none of those things do help a situation

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they they

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they generally don't like yelling

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you know makes it so our kids go into fight

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flight or freeze there you know

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that cuts off you know

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then their their nervous system cuts off

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access to the slower parts of their brain

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the prefrontal cortex area um

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they they literally can't learn then

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anything you want them to learn in that moment

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about what to do better so it's

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it's not a skillful tactic

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but it's something that um

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one thing that was important for me to understand

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cause I I would feel that late pressure

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and I felt a lot of anxiety when my kids were little

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and I felt a it was a lot of frustration

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it was really difficult

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and that brought out my temper and I have this

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I have a bad temper yeah

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and I

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what I had to learn about my own yelling was that um

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was that a it it's not it's not my fault

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like it's not something I'm choosing

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it's something that that my own nervous system

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my own fight flight or freeze system is activated

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and it sees my child as a threat

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I never woke up in the morning and said oh

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I think I'm gonna like

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yell at Maggie at 7:30 on the way to school like no

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like I never ever once did that I never made

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and you never feel good about it after it was done no

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you never feel good about it

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you're no one's making a conscious decision

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if you're listening to a parenting podcast

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you have never once made a conscious decision to

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yell at your kid right right

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this is something that is a a reaction and

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and it's unconscious reaction

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that's just happening without conscious thought

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so it doesn't make sense to berate ourselves for it

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cause you never consciously chose to do that

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but it is your responsibility

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so we can train our nervous system

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our body

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minds to more skillful means bit by bit over time

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not that we will ever be perfect

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but we can train towards more

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more skillful means and

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and it does help enormously

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cause we gotta live what we want our kids to learn

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we gotta show them how to do it right

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you have this great story early in Raising Good Humans

274
00:10:44,233 --> 00:10:46,200
where you talk about the absurdity

275
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,566
of yelling at your kids to be quiet

276
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,533
yes and it's that

277
00:10:50,533 --> 00:10:51,966
that illustrates it perfectly

278
00:10:51,966 --> 00:10:55,066
I I have almost never read

279
00:10:55,333 --> 00:10:58,333
I mean there's like 10 words that

280
00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:00,033
where you where you convey that story

281
00:11:00,033 --> 00:11:00,966
and it's like wow

282
00:11:00,966 --> 00:11:02,966
that hit me straight in the eyes

283
00:11:04,033 --> 00:11:08,133
and it was so concisely and so well put the

284
00:11:08,133 --> 00:11:10,800
the metaphor that I like to use for that is

285
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,366
you know we have the two brains

286
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:15,266
we have the cone in the barbarian brain

287
00:11:15,266 --> 00:11:17,033
and we have the Sherlock Holmes brain

288
00:11:17,366 --> 00:11:20,200
and the cone in the barbarian brain is that fighter

289
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,733
flight or freeze thing

290
00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:24,966
and you need you actually do need that brain if

291
00:11:24,966 --> 00:11:25,266
oh yeah

292
00:11:25,266 --> 00:11:26,633
the oncoming car is coming it's

293
00:11:26,633 --> 00:11:28,500
it's a good thing the parent arm come out

294
00:11:28,633 --> 00:11:29,566
yeah the parent arm

295
00:11:29,566 --> 00:11:31,800
yeah that's what controls the parent arm

296
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,433
but the vast majority of the time when you're

297
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:37,766
when you wanna drop into that brain

298
00:11:37,766 --> 00:11:39,733
it's not the right thing

299
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:41,766
you want to stay in Sherlock Holmes brain

300
00:11:41,766 --> 00:11:43,200
because that's where you

301
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:47,633
have access to the learning the additional context

302
00:11:47,633 --> 00:11:49,633
all of all of the other stuff and

303
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:52,366
and if you're in um

304
00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:55,533
if you if you drop down to Conan the barbarian brain

305
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,800
then it it's

306
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,966
it's just pure potentially it's pure chaos

307
00:12:00,966 --> 00:12:02,533
and the same true

308
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,233
this might be explaining why me and my dad

309
00:12:05,233 --> 00:12:07,433
who I got my temper from had a

310
00:12:07,433 --> 00:12:09,066
like an obsession with Conan

311
00:12:09,066 --> 00:12:11,966
the barbarian when we were little is that right

312
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:14,800
how funny yeah

313
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:15,800
that you know

314
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,866
that was a surprisingly great movie

315
00:12:18,166 --> 00:12:21,366
Red Sonia it was a surprisingly great and in fact

316
00:12:21,466 --> 00:12:23,633
Arnold Schwarzenegger has has um

317
00:12:23,966 --> 00:12:25,033
he's written a book

318
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,666
um called

319
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,033
and now I'm drawing a blank on what it's called uh uh

320
00:12:32,133 --> 00:12:35,433
be useful and it's spectacular

321
00:12:35,433 --> 00:12:36,866
it talks it

322
00:12:36,866 --> 00:12:37,666
I mean

323
00:12:38,066 --> 00:12:38,433
it it

324
00:12:38,433 --> 00:12:41,066
it it points out one of those absurdities

325
00:12:41,066 --> 00:12:43,733
like yelling at your kids to be quiet it

326
00:12:43,733 --> 00:12:45,533
it's he's

327
00:12:45,666 --> 00:12:48,966
you know grew up in rural Austria

328
00:12:49,133 --> 00:12:51,233
and decided that he was gonna become

329
00:12:51,633 --> 00:12:54,533
a leading man in movies in the US

330
00:12:54,533 --> 00:12:56,666
and then set about to make that happen

331
00:12:56,933 --> 00:13:01,566
and you think about the absurdity of that goal

332
00:13:01,566 --> 00:13:06,266
I mean imagine being 16 with him

333
00:13:06,266 --> 00:13:08,033
and he tells you this goal

334
00:13:08,466 --> 00:13:10,166
you would make fun of him for

335
00:13:10,466 --> 00:13:13,133
and yet look what he did he

336
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:15,833
he did it and it it

337
00:13:15,833 --> 00:13:18,133
the book is the book is really really good

338
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,466
go Conan yeah um

339
00:13:23,366 --> 00:13:24,166
yeah there's

340
00:13:24,266 --> 00:13:27,766
there are a zillion parenting books out there why

341
00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:31,033
what makes raising good humans special

342
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:31,866
you know it's funny

343
00:13:31,866 --> 00:13:33,200
cause when I wrote it I didn't

344
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:37,200
I was like I'll be so happy if like I sell 3,000 copies

345
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,000
yeah like

346
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:40,333
and here we are 750,000 copies later

347
00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:42,233
it's crazy it was really

348
00:13:42,233 --> 00:13:44,433
it really surprised me um

349
00:13:44,966 --> 00:13:47,233
and I think I've thought about that and I think

350
00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:47,566
of course

351
00:13:47,566 --> 00:13:50,433
I've had like some amazing luck as far as that goes

352
00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:51,666
cause nobody who's made it

353
00:13:51,666 --> 00:13:52,333
really

354
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:55,466
done some big things doesn't have a good dose of luck

355
00:13:55,466 --> 00:13:57,133
so I do want to acknowledge that

356
00:13:57,133 --> 00:13:59,033
but like I think it's

357
00:13:59,033 --> 00:13:59,900
because

358
00:14:00,433 --> 00:14:02,833
this is something I felt like I was really bad at

359
00:14:02,833 --> 00:14:06,466
I was struggling in I was I

360
00:14:06,466 --> 00:14:08,766
you know I share very honestly my

361
00:14:08,766 --> 00:14:10,533
my struggles and my failures

362
00:14:10,633 --> 00:14:12,833
and then I was like and this is

363
00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:15,633
and I was in a place of desperately wanting to know

364
00:14:15,633 --> 00:14:18,166
like people would all these parenting coaches would say

365
00:14:18,166 --> 00:14:20,833
well you have to like pause before you respond

366
00:14:20,833 --> 00:14:22,666
I'd be like but how

367
00:14:22,666 --> 00:14:24,333
how do you pause you know

368
00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:27,333
and I really really wanted to know how to

369
00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,333
how to do these things and I really

370
00:14:29,466 --> 00:14:30,666
I guess I you know

371
00:14:30,666 --> 00:14:33,066
what I bring to the table is that like

372
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,566
at the time there was a lot of advice

373
00:14:35,566 --> 00:14:38,400
great advice about how to be skillful with your kids

374
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:38,933
and

375
00:14:38,933 --> 00:14:43,166
but I couldn't implement any of it when I was activated

376
00:14:43,166 --> 00:14:44,866
when I was disregulated you know

377
00:14:44,866 --> 00:14:49,666
and I was anxious trying to do my best for this kid

378
00:14:49,666 --> 00:14:51,133
and I had a temper and I'm all

379
00:14:51,133 --> 00:14:53,233
I'm highly sensitive like your son right

380
00:14:53,233 --> 00:14:56,066
so I had all these things and I

381
00:14:56,066 --> 00:14:57,366
it would all go out the window

382
00:14:57,366 --> 00:14:59,733
as soon as my stress response was activated

383
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,733
so I think this it's to me

384
00:15:02,733 --> 00:15:04,733
it's like you know

385
00:15:04,733 --> 00:15:06,566
some of the best ideas are the ones where you're like

386
00:15:06,566 --> 00:15:07,466
oh duh

387
00:15:07,466 --> 00:15:08,466
of course right

388
00:15:08,466 --> 00:15:10,333
like of course

389
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,333
we can't

390
00:15:13,233 --> 00:15:15,233
make a choice about how to respond

391
00:15:15,233 --> 00:15:16,866
until we can regulate ourselves

392
00:15:16,866 --> 00:15:19,866
you know of course we can't do those things and we

393
00:15:20,033 --> 00:15:20,633
we and

394
00:15:20,633 --> 00:15:22,200
and there are ways to do it

395
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:23,833
and I had you know

396
00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:27,866
started to study Buddhism and mindfulness as a teenager

397
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,600
and so I realized like oh

398
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,066
this this tradition

399
00:15:31,066 --> 00:15:31,800
you know this

400
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,966
and all this research backs it up

401
00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:37,000
has all these ways to regulate ourselves

402
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,266
to be more peaceful to be more steady

403
00:15:39,266 --> 00:15:39,933
to be like

404
00:15:39,933 --> 00:15:44,633
the calm mountain that our kids need us to be

405
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:49,400
right they need that really desperately and um

406
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,733
and I I really wasn't that and I

407
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:54,066
and and I I

408
00:15:54,066 --> 00:15:55,200
you know had bits of that

409
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:55,666
but like I

410
00:15:55,666 --> 00:15:59,866
I was able to sort of cultivate that a real steady uh

411
00:16:00,066 --> 00:16:02,366
steadiness in me without changing who I am

412
00:16:02,366 --> 00:16:05,866
will becoming more of who I am but but um

413
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,200
but yeah to

414
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,933
to recognize that you know

415
00:16:10,966 --> 00:16:12,800
it's parents themselves like

416
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,833
we have to have a lot of compassion for ourselves

417
00:16:14,833 --> 00:16:17,233
and we have to take a good look at ourselves

418
00:16:17,233 --> 00:16:19,900
and to be able to take care of ourselves

419
00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:22,066
because this is an incredibly

420
00:16:22,066 --> 00:16:24,633
incredibly hard job and I think just the

421
00:16:24,966 --> 00:16:25,766
raising good humans

422
00:16:25,766 --> 00:16:28,533
comes from a place of deep compassion for parents

423
00:16:28,533 --> 00:16:31,366
cause it's so hard to be a parent

424
00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:33,866
we're so we have so little you know

425
00:16:33,933 --> 00:16:34,833
in the United States

426
00:16:34,833 --> 00:16:37,433
we have very few resources directed at parents

427
00:16:37,433 --> 00:16:39,700
and very little support and we're all on our own

428
00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:42,233
yeah and um yeah yeah

429
00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:43,866
we've lost a lot of the institutions

430
00:16:43,866 --> 00:16:45,600
there's not as the families aren't as big

431
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,233
and the grandparents aren't around anymore

432
00:16:47,233 --> 00:16:48,933
and the cousins aren't there and

433
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:49,966
mm hmm yeah

434
00:16:50,766 --> 00:16:51,600
yeah no

435
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,733
no aunties to tag off with if you're a single parent

436
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,766
like if you have two parents in the household

437
00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:57,800
like you're like oh gosh

438
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,766
thank goodness I have another person there

439
00:16:59,766 --> 00:17:03,033
some of the hours of the day to tag off for but

440
00:17:03,033 --> 00:17:06,666
you know that it really humans should be

441
00:17:06,666 --> 00:17:07,966
we should have like

442
00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:11,000
10 other people that we could tag off for

443
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,000
absolutely because think how regulated we would be

444
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,066
think how steady you know

445
00:17:15,066 --> 00:17:17,866
the the kids could have this such a steady influence

446
00:17:17,866 --> 00:17:19,166
and I think that would be really

447
00:17:19,166 --> 00:17:21,533
really healthy for us to have that

448
00:17:21,533 --> 00:17:21,666
you know

449
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:24,533
for kids to have lots of different attachment figures

450
00:17:24,533 --> 00:17:27,966
that and then parents could have space to breathe

451
00:17:27,966 --> 00:17:29,600
cause it's so intensive when kids are

452
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,266
little humans take a lot of intensive care

453
00:17:32,266 --> 00:17:36,933
I mean a giraffe baby plops down 4 feet falls

454
00:17:37,433 --> 00:17:40,966
is born falls out of the sky 4 feet to the ground

455
00:17:40,966 --> 00:17:43,333
and then stands up and walks around

456
00:17:43,666 --> 00:17:45,233
that's like a what like a

457
00:17:45,233 --> 00:17:48,200
the equivalent of like a seven year old maybe right

458
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,933
human like it's just like we're

459
00:17:50,933 --> 00:17:51,966
we're we're

460
00:17:52,066 --> 00:17:54,666
you know it's very intensive for us

461
00:17:54,666 --> 00:17:55,733
yeah no

462
00:17:55,733 --> 00:17:56,866
that is so true

463
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:01,366
part of what strikes me about raising good humans is

464
00:18:01,366 --> 00:18:09,233
and what makes it unique for me is how authentic it is

465
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,866
it comes from your own personal journey

466
00:18:12,333 --> 00:18:15,633
and how tactical it is and like

467
00:18:15,633 --> 00:18:19,833
these are the specific tactics that I'm using for my

468
00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:21,266
I get really mad all the time

469
00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:24,400
and I know needed to kill that monster

470
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,133
and here's how I did

471
00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:28,033
it is basically the story of the book

472
00:18:28,633 --> 00:18:30,633
as far as I can tame the monster

473
00:18:30,633 --> 00:18:32,100
I mean it's still there

474
00:18:32,166 --> 00:18:33,066
but yeah right

475
00:18:33,066 --> 00:18:33,766
okay that's fair

476
00:18:33,766 --> 00:18:34,900
yeah tame the monster

477
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,033
but it's amazing like with practice

478
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,966
I think that's the thing that's really important

479
00:18:38,966 --> 00:18:39,966
and key is that like

480
00:18:39,966 --> 00:18:42,233
these are things that we can practice and train

481
00:18:42,233 --> 00:18:44,933
like we have this neuroplasticity

482
00:18:44,933 --> 00:18:46,700
we can train our brains we can

483
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,133
you know bushwhack a new uh

484
00:18:49,266 --> 00:18:53,333
path through the the woods of our brain

485
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,033
um but uh

486
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,366
but yeah like it

487
00:18:56,666 --> 00:18:57,733
and we can train our brain

488
00:18:57,733 --> 00:19:00,466
so then even like at some point

489
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,733
when my second daughter was like 9 years old

490
00:19:03,733 --> 00:19:07,233
so this is like 10 years after I had started to

491
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:10,466
to practice all these things and started to learn and

492
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:12,200
and at one point she

493
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,133
we had while watched a movie and we had movie night

494
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:16,866
and then she was supposed to go to bed

495
00:19:16,866 --> 00:19:17,466
she was 9

496
00:19:17,466 --> 00:19:20,600
so she could go put herself to bed and get ready and

497
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,833
and I was like she was being nudgey

498
00:19:23,833 --> 00:19:24,366
so I was like

499
00:19:24,366 --> 00:19:26,366
I'm gonna just read my book and ignore her

500
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,266
and she's gonna just go to bed oh

501
00:19:28,266 --> 00:19:30,833
she's being nudgey and then from the stairwell

502
00:19:30,833 --> 00:19:33,533
she said something and she like laughed at me

503
00:19:33,533 --> 00:19:34,566
and it was like

504
00:19:36,266 --> 00:19:38,066
like it was like this

505
00:19:38,233 --> 00:19:40,800
I was this whole new trigger that came out

506
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,033
like I was just like from zero to

507
00:19:43,033 --> 00:19:45,833
you know 100 in like a second right

508
00:19:45,833 --> 00:19:48,233
you know I was so angry all of a sudden

509
00:19:48,233 --> 00:19:49,733
cause she had been nudging and nudging

510
00:19:50,266 --> 00:19:53,933
and I stood up and I was so actually

511
00:19:53,933 --> 00:19:56,000
in in retrospect I was quite proud of myself

512
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,766
because I stood up and I yelled

513
00:19:58,766 --> 00:19:59,900
but I yelled

514
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:06,166
I am so angry right now and then I open the door

515
00:20:06,233 --> 00:20:09,833
and I threw my poor library book down onto the carport

516
00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:11,866
and I walked up and down the street for 10 minutes

517
00:20:11,866 --> 00:20:12,866
until I calm down

518
00:20:12,866 --> 00:20:14,966
but I was so proud of myself for yelling

519
00:20:15,366 --> 00:20:17,533
something skillful yeah

520
00:20:17,533 --> 00:20:19,866
rather than like you what's wrong with you

521
00:20:19,866 --> 00:20:22,333
et cetera no blaming and shaming language

522
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:24,966
I yelled an imessage haha

523
00:20:24,966 --> 00:20:29,166
I'm so angry and I was really proud of that moment

524
00:20:29,233 --> 00:20:30,333
that is yeah

525
00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:31,966
I I think that encapsulates

526
00:20:32,133 --> 00:20:33,400
that encapsulates the skill right now

527
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,466
it's I mean

528
00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:37,566
you're gonna feel angry that's fine

529
00:20:37,566 --> 00:20:39,800
the the

530
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:44,300
the skill is in handling it in a way that enhances

531
00:20:44,633 --> 00:20:46,233
your relationship with your kid

532
00:20:46,533 --> 00:20:49,733
and as opposed to ruins it

533
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:51,166
yeah ruins it

534
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,533
it damages it damage yeah

535
00:20:53,533 --> 00:20:54,333
yeah yeah

536
00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:57,533
I could feel the damage happening with my oldest child

537
00:20:57,533 --> 00:20:59,533
when she was little and I could

538
00:20:59,533 --> 00:21:01,666
I was really scared you know

539
00:21:01,666 --> 00:21:02,400
it really scared

540
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,766
and you kind of have to give yourself the Grace

541
00:21:04,866 --> 00:21:07,866
of understanding that okay

542
00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:09,833
mistakes were made that's okay

543
00:21:10,133 --> 00:21:11,433
and then you move on

544
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,433
yeah exactly

545
00:21:13,433 --> 00:21:17,033
and also I think it's so important to understand that

546
00:21:17,266 --> 00:21:20,133
you can always always begin a new

547
00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:20,533
you can always

548
00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:23,566
always start and practice and heal things

549
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,766
it's so fascinating um

550
00:21:25,833 --> 00:21:27,166
you know uh yeah

551
00:21:27,166 --> 00:21:29,733
I taught mindful parenting to um

552
00:21:30,066 --> 00:21:32,933
a low income community in Wilmington

553
00:21:32,933 --> 00:21:35,166
Delaware and a grandmother was there

554
00:21:35,166 --> 00:21:37,633
cause she was taking care of her 6 year old grandchild

555
00:21:37,733 --> 00:21:39,566
and at the end she shared yes

556
00:21:39,566 --> 00:21:41,200
things are going better with the 6 year old

557
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,833
but she shared with me that she healed

558
00:21:42,833 --> 00:21:45,666
her relationship with her adult daughter

559
00:21:45,666 --> 00:21:47,433
which was so exciting I

560
00:21:47,433 --> 00:21:49,633
I mean it just made me feel amazing

561
00:21:49,633 --> 00:21:53,033
but for like in my own circumstances

562
00:21:53,033 --> 00:21:55,333
I remember thinking

563
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,033
I can see in my daughter you know

564
00:21:58,033 --> 00:22:01,266
my oldest daughter got the worst of me and she

565
00:22:01,266 --> 00:22:03,000
I could see these you know

566
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,766
I saw her like bark orders at her younger sister

567
00:22:05,766 --> 00:22:06,900
and I was like oh God

568
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,333
that's what I sound like oh no

569
00:22:09,333 --> 00:22:10,833
and I I used

570
00:22:10,833 --> 00:22:12,166
I used to think you know

571
00:22:12,166 --> 00:22:12,733
oh you know

572
00:22:12,733 --> 00:22:15,266
they say the first three years are so

573
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:16,933
vital for your development

574
00:22:16,933 --> 00:22:18,933
and maybe I just I would just worry that

575
00:22:18,933 --> 00:22:20,433
maybe I really screwed up my kid

576
00:22:20,433 --> 00:22:21,033
even though I've

577
00:22:21,033 --> 00:22:23,366
I've done a lot of changing and growing and I've

578
00:22:23,366 --> 00:22:24,200
I've really

579
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,366
really Learned and practiced some skillful means

580
00:22:26,366 --> 00:22:27,733
and but anyway I

581
00:22:27,733 --> 00:22:30,733
I would worry that from time to time over the years

582
00:22:30,733 --> 00:22:33,166
when I would just she's just um

583
00:22:33,333 --> 00:22:34,666
she's kind of an intense kid

584
00:22:34,666 --> 00:22:35,466
and seeing her

585
00:22:35,466 --> 00:22:37,866
kind of intense reactions and snappy reactions

586
00:22:37,866 --> 00:22:38,933
sometime with other people

587
00:22:38,933 --> 00:22:40,766
but then and I worried that like

588
00:22:40,766 --> 00:22:44,066
she was a little not compassionate with others

589
00:22:44,066 --> 00:22:47,133
because I was snappy

590
00:22:47,166 --> 00:22:49,566
because I was stressed and not so compassionate

591
00:22:49,566 --> 00:22:52,266
I got think with her sometimes when she was little yeah

592
00:22:52,266 --> 00:22:53,333
and I would worry about that

593
00:22:53,333 --> 00:22:54,133
but then

594
00:22:55,033 --> 00:22:59,166
there was this time when she was maybe 14 or 15

595
00:22:59,633 --> 00:23:03,966
and we had a a dog then and I had had the

596
00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:05,000
a scary incident

597
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:08,066
where the dog met another dog out on our street

598
00:23:08,066 --> 00:23:10,200
and there was barking and there's growling

599
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,000
and it really scared me and I was really upset and I

600
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,200
came inside and I was like

601
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,033
talking about the dog and I was really upset

602
00:23:16,033 --> 00:23:18,066
my younger daughter who's normally

603
00:23:18,066 --> 00:23:21,033
she's like very sort of intuitively compassionate

604
00:23:21,133 --> 00:23:24,466
and she's she was kind of like getting upset at me and

605
00:23:24,466 --> 00:23:27,133
and defending the dogs and I was just like

606
00:23:27,133 --> 00:23:29,000
and really upset

607
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:32,300
and my older daughter said to my younger daughter

608
00:23:32,566 --> 00:23:36,633
you know can't you see that mom is upset right now

609
00:23:36,633 --> 00:23:38,133
and she said to me mom

610
00:23:38,133 --> 00:23:41,066
do you need a hug and I was like yes

611
00:23:41,066 --> 00:23:42,700
yes I do need a hug

612
00:23:42,866 --> 00:23:44,933
and she came over and gave me a hug

613
00:23:44,933 --> 00:23:46,166
and I was like oh

614
00:23:46,166 --> 00:23:48,633
I didn't ruin my child too

615
00:23:48,633 --> 00:23:49,433
oh my gosh

616
00:23:49,666 --> 00:23:51,533
I was like I'm not only I'm getting a hug

617
00:23:51,533 --> 00:23:53,166
but I also didn't ruin my child

618
00:23:53,166 --> 00:23:53,966
yeah

619
00:23:54,833 --> 00:23:55,666
yeah I

620
00:23:55,666 --> 00:23:56,466
I you know

621
00:23:56,533 --> 00:23:58,966
children are very resilient if

622
00:23:58,966 --> 00:24:01,833
if you if you allow them to be

623
00:24:01,966 --> 00:24:03,766
and you don't want to rely on it too much

624
00:24:03,766 --> 00:24:07,200
but it you can give yourself the Grace

625
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,666
that there is no specific incident

626
00:24:10,333 --> 00:24:13,533
pretty much that ruined them for life

627
00:24:13,666 --> 00:24:15,533
and that it really is a Marathon

628
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,033
not a sprint yes

629
00:24:17,033 --> 00:24:17,633
and you know

630
00:24:17,633 --> 00:24:18,333
there are I mean

631
00:24:18,333 --> 00:24:21,266
I could think of a handful of things in my childhood

632
00:24:21,266 --> 00:24:21,666
that

633
00:24:21,666 --> 00:24:26,166
that really impacted the way that I look at the world

634
00:24:26,366 --> 00:24:28,833
but they were

635
00:24:29,233 --> 00:24:33,433
examples of a trend right

636
00:24:33,433 --> 00:24:33,666
you know

637
00:24:33,666 --> 00:24:38,466
they were just kind of emblematic situations that I

638
00:24:38,466 --> 00:24:43,433
that the touchstones about a more generalized trend and

639
00:24:43,433 --> 00:24:45,866
um and so

640
00:24:45,866 --> 00:24:48,033
you know without that generalized trend

641
00:24:48,133 --> 00:24:51,533
those those specific events would not have had

642
00:24:51,533 --> 00:24:54,266
the significance that they do

643
00:24:55,033 --> 00:24:57,133
yeah there's a pattern yeah

644
00:24:57,133 --> 00:25:00,800
and I think that we can also you know you know

645
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,666
we know that yeah

646
00:25:02,666 --> 00:25:04,600
we're gonna be human we're gonna mess up

647
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:05,066
we're gonna

648
00:25:05,066 --> 00:25:08,466
there's gonna be damage and conflict that's

649
00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:09,733
that will happen that's

650
00:25:10,033 --> 00:25:13,200
that happens conflict happens in families every day

651
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:16,233
all the time and that's normal and of course

652
00:25:16,233 --> 00:25:20,366
but we can um you know that repair is so

653
00:25:20,366 --> 00:25:21,833
so important and it

654
00:25:21,833 --> 00:25:23,666
it really goes a long way and you know

655
00:25:23,666 --> 00:25:24,766
just of course

656
00:25:24,766 --> 00:25:27,800
us saying I'm sorry to our kids and and I

657
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,200
I had a you know I had a couple

658
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:30,000
I had a

659
00:25:30,433 --> 00:25:31,666
you know moments when I

660
00:25:31,666 --> 00:25:34,166
when I apologized to young Maggie

661
00:25:34,166 --> 00:25:36,233
when she was like 6 years old

662
00:25:36,233 --> 00:25:38,066
for my yelling in the past

663
00:25:38,066 --> 00:25:38,866
and I you know

664
00:25:38,866 --> 00:25:41,066
cried and cried and just

665
00:25:41,066 --> 00:25:46,066
I apologized to her and it was for me impactful um

666
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,566
of course to do that but but yeah

667
00:25:48,566 --> 00:25:49,366
it's um

668
00:25:49,366 --> 00:25:52,866
and then someone asked me actually a little while ago

669
00:25:52,966 --> 00:25:56,266
um you know thinking about you know

670
00:25:56,266 --> 00:25:57,266
I have my temper

671
00:25:57,266 --> 00:26:00,233
because my father has an intense temper

672
00:26:00,233 --> 00:26:03,733
he's an highly sensitive person raised in a

673
00:26:03,733 --> 00:26:06,166
a generation that of course

674
00:26:06,166 --> 00:26:09,333
you know where things that we would call abuse are

675
00:26:09,333 --> 00:26:10,966
were normal then you know

676
00:26:10,966 --> 00:26:12,233
and um

677
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,433
and so I used to be very scared of him at times

678
00:26:16,433 --> 00:26:17,566
he was also very like

679
00:26:17,566 --> 00:26:20,000
affectionate as well he was like

680
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,200
I could definitely rely on him to be very affectionate

681
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:23,233
and cheerleader but also

682
00:26:23,233 --> 00:26:24,700
he scared me sometimes

683
00:26:25,033 --> 00:26:28,133
and I remember someone asked me recently like oh

684
00:26:28,133 --> 00:26:30,100
you know what if your father

685
00:26:30,266 --> 00:26:31,933
you know like apologize to you

686
00:26:31,933 --> 00:26:32,633
and I was like oh

687
00:26:32,633 --> 00:26:34,600
my God wow

688
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,433
I mean it was such a shocking idea

689
00:26:36,433 --> 00:26:36,800
like I

690
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:40,800
I it was so hard to imagine yeah

691
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,766
yeah it was so hard to imagine

692
00:26:42,766 --> 00:26:43,733
but I could

693
00:26:44,066 --> 00:26:47,366
see that it would make such a profound impact

694
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:47,833
on him too

695
00:26:47,833 --> 00:26:49,833
even probably yeah

696
00:26:49,833 --> 00:26:51,000
and you know

697
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,766
as a grown adult woman

698
00:26:53,766 --> 00:26:56,333
like with almost grown children now

699
00:26:56,333 --> 00:26:56,833
like it would

700
00:26:56,833 --> 00:27:00,000
it would make a real profound impact even now

701
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,233
so I think it's just to say it's never

702
00:27:02,266 --> 00:27:06,766
never too late to to practice skillful means

703
00:27:06,766 --> 00:27:08,933
and to heal those relationships

704
00:27:09,566 --> 00:27:10,800
you know you

705
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,800
you almost I mean

706
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:13,966
certainly unintentionally

707
00:27:13,966 --> 00:27:16,166
did a natural experiment with your two kids

708
00:27:16,666 --> 00:27:22,133
where the first one got the full brunt of of

709
00:27:22,133 --> 00:27:23,466
of the old hunter

710
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,800
and then the second one got the a

711
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,866
a lot more of the new improved

712
00:27:29,866 --> 00:27:31,100
mindful hunter

713
00:27:31,633 --> 00:27:32,666
more relaxed yeah

714
00:27:32,666 --> 00:27:34,133
what differences

715
00:27:34,466 --> 00:27:37,133
have you noticed about the way that they are

716
00:27:37,133 --> 00:27:40,200
or the way that your experience was

717
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:40,600
raised them

718
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,733
what were the different outcomes that you've gotten

719
00:27:42,833 --> 00:27:44,500
as a result of that experiment

720
00:27:45,233 --> 00:27:45,966
I mean well

721
00:27:45,966 --> 00:27:47,366
they're very different people

722
00:27:47,366 --> 00:27:48,666
so you know who's right

723
00:27:48,666 --> 00:27:49,566
and so yeah

724
00:27:49,633 --> 00:27:50,766
the variables are isolated

725
00:27:50,766 --> 00:27:54,400
you can't you can't assign causation yeah

726
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:55,833
yeah I mean

727
00:27:55,833 --> 00:27:57,733
I think though my younger daughter

728
00:27:57,733 --> 00:28:00,933
I mean she is more um

729
00:28:01,033 --> 00:28:02,166
she has been kind of

730
00:28:02,166 --> 00:28:04,800
naturally a little bit more emotionally aware

731
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,666
a little bit more relaxed

732
00:28:07,666 --> 00:28:10,066
a little bit more in tune with things

733
00:28:10,066 --> 00:28:10,866
um

734
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:13,733
she was also just like an easier baby

735
00:28:13,733 --> 00:28:15,633
and I'm not sure if like

736
00:28:15,633 --> 00:28:16,533
my first child

737
00:28:16,533 --> 00:28:19,966
probably got more anxiety hormones in the womb

738
00:28:20,166 --> 00:28:21,633
you know because yeah

739
00:28:21,633 --> 00:28:23,533
I was more anxious with the first one

740
00:28:23,533 --> 00:28:24,666
so there's so there's

741
00:28:24,666 --> 00:28:27,633
so there's no way to sort of tease apart anything

742
00:28:27,633 --> 00:28:29,400
but yes she did get and

743
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:29,966
and you know

744
00:28:29,966 --> 00:28:32,866
she was more open to um

745
00:28:32,866 --> 00:28:35,833
me talking to her about all kinds of things

746
00:28:35,833 --> 00:28:37,933
like all those awkward conversations

747
00:28:37,933 --> 00:28:39,633
you have to have about sexuality

748
00:28:39,633 --> 00:28:40,733
and all those kind of things

749
00:28:40,733 --> 00:28:43,366
she was more open to those conversations

750
00:28:43,766 --> 00:28:48,033
and is a little more open to some of those things

751
00:28:48,033 --> 00:28:48,666
you know she

752
00:28:48,666 --> 00:28:50,233
we can talk and actually

753
00:28:50,233 --> 00:28:51,633
she and I um

754
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:53,800
yeah I don't know we

755
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:55,866
we get along very well I mean

756
00:28:55,866 --> 00:28:57,333
I love both my daughters enormously

757
00:28:57,333 --> 00:28:59,900
but yeah the youngest one uh

758
00:29:00,333 --> 00:29:01,266
is you know

759
00:29:01,266 --> 00:29:02,733
I travel well with her

760
00:29:02,733 --> 00:29:04,366
like we take care of each other well

761
00:29:04,366 --> 00:29:05,833
I don't know she's a

762
00:29:05,966 --> 00:29:07,866
she's a very cool um

763
00:29:07,866 --> 00:29:11,000
balanced person and I think she

764
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:16,033
she benefited from a a more relaxed parent for sure

765
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:18,566
yeah interesting

766
00:29:18,566 --> 00:29:19,633
you know I

767
00:29:19,633 --> 00:29:20,433
I

768
00:29:21,033 --> 00:29:24,033
in keeping with the the the

769
00:29:24,033 --> 00:29:27,033
the sense about the tactical nature of your book I

770
00:29:27,033 --> 00:29:28,866
I wanna talk about

771
00:29:28,866 --> 00:29:30,733
I'll tell you a story of something that

772
00:29:30,733 --> 00:29:32,466
that happened with me and my son

773
00:29:32,733 --> 00:29:34,633
and I would love to get

774
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:39,966
your feedback on how I handled it and

775
00:29:39,966 --> 00:29:41,866
and what I should have done

776
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:43,933
how I should have thought about this and

777
00:29:43,933 --> 00:29:46,833
and what I should have done differently um

778
00:29:48,066 --> 00:29:52,000
my son when he was three and a/2

779
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:54,100
was terrified of escalators

780
00:29:54,366 --> 00:29:56,866
he he spent his entire life not being

781
00:29:56,866 --> 00:29:57,900
terrified of anything

782
00:29:57,966 --> 00:29:59,533
he used to jump in the deep end of the pool

783
00:29:59,533 --> 00:30:02,433
even though he couldn't swim and

784
00:30:03,066 --> 00:30:05,033
and then he he developed this

785
00:30:05,033 --> 00:30:07,066
this fear of escalators for no reason

786
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:08,266
just all of a sudden

787
00:30:08,266 --> 00:30:09,600
was terrified to go down escalators

788
00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,566
we would have to use elevators anywhere we went

789
00:30:11,933 --> 00:30:16,966
and this irritated me it felt like it actually

790
00:30:16,966 --> 00:30:18,100
frankly it

791
00:30:18,433 --> 00:30:19,466
it was a trigger for me

792
00:30:19,466 --> 00:30:21,866
because I felt like I was a failure as a father

793
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,066
because he wasn't tough enough

794
00:30:24,066 --> 00:30:26,766
to go down the escalator he's three and a/2 years old

795
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:30,133
and it felt like he was just being a weak

796
00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:31,833
it felt like he was being weak

797
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:34,366
and I wanted to teach him that no we

798
00:30:34,366 --> 00:30:36,066
we overcome our fears and we do this

799
00:30:36,066 --> 00:30:39,466
and I felt like it was it was an opportunity to do that

800
00:30:39,766 --> 00:30:41,566
um now and

801
00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:44,200
I was pretty you know

802
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:44,666
I didn't

803
00:30:44,666 --> 00:30:47,766
I didn't ever force him to go down an escalator

804
00:30:47,766 --> 00:30:48,533
I I

805
00:30:48,533 --> 00:30:50,033
I I didn't

806
00:30:50,366 --> 00:30:52,100
I didn't mess with him in that way

807
00:30:52,433 --> 00:30:54,566
but I felt this urge to

808
00:30:54,566 --> 00:30:56,766
to want to impart this lesson to him

809
00:30:56,766 --> 00:30:59,933
and we went to target one day and we were

810
00:30:59,933 --> 00:31:02,766
he had allowance he had $11

811
00:31:02,966 --> 00:31:05,933
and we he wanted to spend it on toys at target

812
00:31:05,933 --> 00:31:07,166
the toy section of target

813
00:31:07,166 --> 00:31:08,800
in the target that we went to is

814
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,333
is upstairs and there's an escalator

815
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:12,933
he could go up the escalator just fine

816
00:31:12,933 --> 00:31:14,433
but he just couldn't go down

817
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:18,666
so we went to the target and we grabbed his

818
00:31:18,666 --> 00:31:19,400
we got we grabbed

819
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:22,266
so he wanted to buy um

820
00:31:23,233 --> 00:31:25,366
a set of Hot Wheels cars and they were

821
00:31:25,366 --> 00:31:27,966
you get five Hot Wheels cars for $6

822
00:31:28,833 --> 00:31:30,600
so he could afford since he had $11

823
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,166
he could afford one pack of Hot Wheels cars

824
00:31:33,166 --> 00:31:34,500
but they were running a special

825
00:31:35,066 --> 00:31:36,333
and the special was

826
00:31:36,333 --> 00:31:38,566
if you buy two packs of Hot Wheels cars

827
00:31:38,766 --> 00:31:40,466
you get a third one for free

828
00:31:40,466 --> 00:31:42,866
oh my gosh and he was so close

829
00:31:42,866 --> 00:31:45,066
he was so close $1 away

830
00:31:45,866 --> 00:31:47,833
and so I told him I said listen

831
00:31:49,233 --> 00:31:51,666
if you're willing to go down the escalator

832
00:31:52,166 --> 00:31:55,133
I'll make you a deal I'll give you the extra dollar

833
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:57,466
and you'd be able to buy three packs

834
00:31:57,566 --> 00:31:58,700
instead of just one

835
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:00,466
do you want the deal

836
00:32:01,833 --> 00:32:02,333
and he goes yeah

837
00:32:02,333 --> 00:32:02,966
yeah yeah

838
00:32:02,966 --> 00:32:04,566
I want the deal I want the deal

839
00:32:05,066 --> 00:32:07,200
so we got the three packs of Hot Wheels cars

840
00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:10,633
and we approached the escalator and I said listen

841
00:32:10,633 --> 00:32:11,600
we were approaching the escalator

842
00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:12,466
I said listen

843
00:32:12,466 --> 00:32:15,366
I'm here for you whatever you need to succeed

844
00:32:15,466 --> 00:32:17,033
on going down the escalator

845
00:32:17,266 --> 00:32:19,266
I will do for you you need me to pick you up

846
00:32:19,266 --> 00:32:20,333
you want me to blindfold you

847
00:32:20,333 --> 00:32:21,766
you want me to just carry you down

848
00:32:21,766 --> 00:32:22,800
you want me to force you down

849
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:25,933
you want me to stay away whatever you need

850
00:32:25,933 --> 00:32:26,966
he goes okay okay

851
00:32:26,966 --> 00:32:28,633
just hold my hand so I held his hand

852
00:32:28,633 --> 00:32:30,066
and we approached the escalator

853
00:32:30,066 --> 00:32:31,666
and we got one step away

854
00:32:31,733 --> 00:32:34,133
I stepped on the escalator and he says pause

855
00:32:34,133 --> 00:32:36,033
pause and he whipped his hand up from under mine

856
00:32:36,033 --> 00:32:38,766
and I start going down the escalator and he freaks out

857
00:32:38,833 --> 00:32:43,400
and so I run run back up and he has a total meltdown

858
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,433
it lasts 45 minutes he's screaming

859
00:32:46,466 --> 00:32:49,166
he's crying he's like freaked out

860
00:32:49,166 --> 00:32:50,733
and at some point 30 minutes into it

861
00:32:50,733 --> 00:32:51,533
I'm like

862
00:32:52,133 --> 00:32:53,600
I'm the worst parent in the world

863
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:55,933
I I can't believe I've done this

864
00:32:56,066 --> 00:32:57,066
I'm so sorry like

865
00:32:57,066 --> 00:32:58,533
let's just forget the deal man

866
00:32:58,533 --> 00:33:00,666
let's forget the deal and he goes no

867
00:33:00,666 --> 00:33:04,333
I want the deal I want the deal and

868
00:33:05,633 --> 00:33:08,133
he we finally got him regulated again

869
00:33:08,133 --> 00:33:09,733
we finally we came up with an approach

870
00:33:09,733 --> 00:33:10,766
we decided we were you know okay

871
00:33:10,766 --> 00:33:12,366
we're gonna hold I'm gonna hold his hand

872
00:33:12,366 --> 00:33:13,333
and we're just gonna walk really

873
00:33:13,333 --> 00:33:13,933
really fast

874
00:33:13,933 --> 00:33:18,266
he's gonna close his eyes and um same exact thing

875
00:33:18,266 --> 00:33:18,566
happened

876
00:33:18,566 --> 00:33:22,366
we got to the top of the escalator and he goes pause

877
00:33:22,366 --> 00:33:24,000
pause but it was too late by then

878
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:25,433
he was stepping on the escalator

879
00:33:25,433 --> 00:33:27,300
and I just pulled him on and I held him tight

880
00:33:28,133 --> 00:33:30,533
and he started like freaking out a little bit

881
00:33:30,533 --> 00:33:33,566
and then about a third of the way down the escalator

882
00:33:34,433 --> 00:33:38,866
he relaxed and he started getting happy

883
00:33:38,866 --> 00:33:39,966
he started realizing okay

884
00:33:39,966 --> 00:33:42,700
I'm gonna get my thing and this isn't so bad

885
00:33:43,966 --> 00:33:49,033
and he felt this elation at the end of it

886
00:33:49,033 --> 00:33:51,533
he was thrilled and he's that he succeeded

887
00:33:51,533 --> 00:33:53,733
he went home and he told his mom and he got you know

888
00:33:53,733 --> 00:33:55,933
his extra 10 cars and he was really

889
00:33:55,933 --> 00:33:57,300
really happy but

890
00:33:58,200 --> 00:33:59,966
the whole point was to get him

891
00:33:59,966 --> 00:34:01,766
not to be scared of going down escalators

892
00:34:02,066 --> 00:34:03,800
and it didn't work yeah

893
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:04,800
what happened the next escalator

894
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:05,900
he was

895
00:34:06,666 --> 00:34:09,733
terrified of escalators for another year and a half

896
00:34:10,533 --> 00:34:12,233
um it made the fear worse

897
00:34:13,266 --> 00:34:16,066
and then it just went away all by itself

898
00:34:17,466 --> 00:34:18,266
huh huh

899
00:34:18,866 --> 00:34:21,100
and I don't know I you know

900
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:24,633
I can see a lot of things I did right in that situation

901
00:34:24,633 --> 00:34:25,533
I feel like my mind

902
00:34:25,533 --> 00:34:27,400
my my my heart was in the right place

903
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:28,733
I feel like

904
00:34:29,466 --> 00:34:33,166
I feel like I shouldn't have impuned this sense of like

905
00:34:33,166 --> 00:34:35,533
weakness about this thing on him

906
00:34:35,666 --> 00:34:36,700
but okay

907
00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:39,266
I feel like I was right to try and teach him the lesson

908
00:34:39,666 --> 00:34:41,000
but I I feel like overall

909
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:41,633
it was a mistake

910
00:34:41,633 --> 00:34:43,133
and I feel like I should have done something different

911
00:34:43,133 --> 00:34:45,533
and in fact I think if I just would have left it alone

912
00:34:45,933 --> 00:34:46,566
two months later

913
00:34:46,566 --> 00:34:48,233
he would have not been as scared of escalators

914
00:34:48,233 --> 00:34:49,266
and it would have been fine

915
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:51,533
oh I feel for you because yeah

916
00:34:51,533 --> 00:34:54,533
I that's such an understandable impulse right

917
00:34:54,533 --> 00:34:55,933
you want him to be

918
00:34:55,933 --> 00:34:58,400
I would have wanted my daughters to be strong

919
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:01,333
and to get over the escalator thing absolutely yes

920
00:35:01,333 --> 00:35:02,133
I would have

921
00:35:02,533 --> 00:35:06,566
I can completely relate to that feeling of wanting to

922
00:35:06,733 --> 00:35:08,666
have your kid get over this thing

923
00:35:08,666 --> 00:35:10,966
and it's so hard like

924
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:12,833
to accept that

925
00:35:12,933 --> 00:35:15,766
we don't have any control over their stuff right

926
00:35:15,766 --> 00:35:17,966
like it's not on our timetable

927
00:35:17,966 --> 00:35:20,833
like we're not gonna make them read

928
00:35:20,833 --> 00:35:21,933
when we want them to read

929
00:35:21,933 --> 00:35:22,966
we're not gonna make them

930
00:35:22,966 --> 00:35:23,466
you know what I mean

931
00:35:23,466 --> 00:35:25,666
there's like all these things that we can't

932
00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:28,233
that it's it's doesn't it

933
00:35:28,266 --> 00:35:28,866
it really

934
00:35:28,866 --> 00:35:32,166
like us interfering with doesn't really do a lot with

935
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,133
um so I can

936
00:35:34,133 --> 00:35:38,466
I can relate to that that wanting to do that yeah

937
00:35:38,466 --> 00:35:39,533
I think um

938
00:35:39,533 --> 00:35:41,766
when we start to use things like

939
00:35:41,766 --> 00:35:44,066
um when we try to manipulate our kids with things

940
00:35:44,066 --> 00:35:46,566
like bribery or honestly

941
00:35:46,566 --> 00:35:46,866
like

942
00:35:46,866 --> 00:35:50,933
a punishment and reward are two sides of the same coin

943
00:35:51,033 --> 00:35:51,800
right um

944
00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:53,266
that um

945
00:35:54,133 --> 00:35:56,833
that then kids do feel coerced right

946
00:35:56,833 --> 00:35:57,800
like they they can

947
00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:00,600
they feel that and it's kind of like um

948
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:01,566
it's kind of like you know

949
00:36:01,566 --> 00:36:04,266
when you slow down when you're speeding on the highway

950
00:36:04,266 --> 00:36:05,633
and you notice there's a cop ahead

951
00:36:05,633 --> 00:36:07,666
and you slow down when there's a cop there

952
00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:11,666
but then you're back up to 65 or 70 what after

953
00:36:11,666 --> 00:36:13,233
you know a minute or two right

954
00:36:13,233 --> 00:36:14,066
like it's doesn't

955
00:36:14,066 --> 00:36:15,433
there's no intrinsic

956
00:36:15,433 --> 00:36:18,066
you have no intrinsic motivation to not speed

957
00:36:18,066 --> 00:36:22,033
you're just speed not speeding not to get caught and um

958
00:36:22,033 --> 00:36:25,366
and similar with like reward so

959
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:29,033
you know when you're working with things that are

960
00:36:29,033 --> 00:36:32,033
extrinsic motivators like rewards

961
00:36:32,633 --> 00:36:35,766
you know or or bribes or things like that there's no

962
00:36:35,766 --> 00:36:37,800
there's no intrinsic that

963
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,366
the child has no intrinsic reason to

964
00:36:40,366 --> 00:36:42,366
wanna change this thing

965
00:36:42,433 --> 00:36:46,666
they're just trying to to get this extrinsic reward

966
00:36:46,866 --> 00:36:50,333
and that's not like the most quality change

967
00:36:50,333 --> 00:36:52,933
if you manipulate the behavior in some way

968
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:56,533
it's not really coming from the inside out right

969
00:36:56,533 --> 00:36:58,266
it's coming from the outside in

970
00:36:58,433 --> 00:37:02,400
and so it's not a great way to learn a lesson

971
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:04,433
or to make change honestly

972
00:37:04,433 --> 00:37:05,966
you know um

973
00:37:05,966 --> 00:37:07,466
you know if you don't

974
00:37:07,466 --> 00:37:08,733
don't hit your brother

975
00:37:08,733 --> 00:37:10,766
or I'm gonna take this thing away from you

976
00:37:10,766 --> 00:37:12,466
you really want your kid to learn like

977
00:37:12,466 --> 00:37:15,833
don't hit your brother because hitting hurts people

978
00:37:15,833 --> 00:37:18,200
yeah we don't we don't hurt people in our family right

979
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:20,800
yeah that's not who we are yeah yeah

980
00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:21,633
exactly

981
00:37:21,666 --> 00:37:25,166
and you really wanted him to learn to do the escalator

982
00:37:25,166 --> 00:37:27,433
so that he could just do it

983
00:37:27,433 --> 00:37:28,233
and it's fun

984
00:37:28,233 --> 00:37:30,833
and it's easier than getting on the elevator

985
00:37:30,833 --> 00:37:33,200
or sometimes it's really hard to find the whatever

986
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:33,833
you know yeah

987
00:37:33,833 --> 00:37:36,933
I really I didn't want him to be limited by fears right

988
00:37:36,933 --> 00:37:37,333
yeah like

989
00:37:37,333 --> 00:37:38,833
like it's an irrational fear

990
00:37:38,833 --> 00:37:41,033
recognize it as such and you know

991
00:37:41,033 --> 00:37:43,033
push through it yeah

992
00:37:43,033 --> 00:37:45,133
yeah but he wasn't ready to do that

993
00:37:45,133 --> 00:37:46,633
that's a skill I wanted to impart to him

994
00:37:46,633 --> 00:37:47,166
but you know

995
00:37:47,166 --> 00:37:48,733
he's three and a/2 yeah

996
00:37:48,733 --> 00:37:50,033
three and a/2 it's

997
00:37:50,033 --> 00:37:50,666
it's um

998
00:37:50,666 --> 00:37:53,733
you know I guess I would have invited you kind of

999
00:37:53,733 --> 00:37:55,666
at that time to say like

1000
00:37:56,033 --> 00:37:57,466
you know um

1001
00:37:58,200 --> 00:37:59,166
why do you feel so

1002
00:37:59,166 --> 00:38:01,566
like to turn the attention back to yourself

1003
00:38:01,666 --> 00:38:02,733
you know why does

1004
00:38:02,733 --> 00:38:04,666
why do you feel so strongly about this

1005
00:38:04,666 --> 00:38:06,966
you know what is this um

1006
00:38:06,966 --> 00:38:08,366
you know to explore like

1007
00:38:08,366 --> 00:38:09,466
what is your own fear

1008
00:38:09,466 --> 00:38:11,400
and to kind of carry your own baggage right

1009
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:12,600
in a little in a way

1010
00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:16,266
you were you have some baggage and you were like

1011
00:38:16,266 --> 00:38:17,633
here son

1012
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:20,366
take my baggage take my bags yeah

1013
00:38:20,566 --> 00:38:22,600
you hold the baggage right

1014
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,833
um rather than carrying it yourself right

1015
00:38:24,833 --> 00:38:27,266
you had some stuff going on around that

1016
00:38:27,266 --> 00:38:30,433
but you projected it all onto your kid

1017
00:38:30,533 --> 00:38:33,966
and rather than wait for him and his timetable

1018
00:38:34,166 --> 00:38:35,166
um yeah

1019
00:38:35,233 --> 00:38:37,333
I love that analysis I think that's exactly right

1020
00:38:37,333 --> 00:38:38,733
it's something that overall

1021
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:39,933
I think it was successful

1022
00:38:39,933 --> 00:38:42,500
and I mean he really did have a feeling of elation

1023
00:38:42,533 --> 00:38:45,066
but I felt this vague sense that I've done

1024
00:38:45,066 --> 00:38:48,133
some things wrong there and it's really

1025
00:38:48,133 --> 00:38:49,166
really good lesson

1026
00:38:49,333 --> 00:38:51,433
it's funny cause we have to walk a middle path

1027
00:38:51,433 --> 00:38:54,266
you know like there's some people who

1028
00:38:54,266 --> 00:38:56,633
you know like there's some people who

1029
00:38:56,633 --> 00:39:00,200
you know we have to use our power sometimes right

1030
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:01,833
as parents like yeah

1031
00:39:02,333 --> 00:39:03,000
all in all

1032
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,433
like as you get to the ends of raising good humans

1033
00:39:05,433 --> 00:39:06,266
which you haven't gotten to yet

1034
00:39:06,266 --> 00:39:07,433
but like that that part

1035
00:39:07,433 --> 00:39:10,066
like there's a whole part about the use of power

1036
00:39:10,166 --> 00:39:11,533
and the more we use power

1037
00:39:11,533 --> 00:39:13,733
there's an inverse relationship between power

1038
00:39:13,733 --> 00:39:14,700
and influence

1039
00:39:14,766 --> 00:39:17,466
and I believe that one of the reasons why

1040
00:39:17,566 --> 00:39:19,166
we have this trope of like

1041
00:39:19,166 --> 00:39:20,400
the rebellious teenager

1042
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,066
and the teenager that hates you

1043
00:39:22,066 --> 00:39:24,166
is because teenagers are not rebelling

1044
00:39:24,166 --> 00:39:26,033
against their parents they're rebelling against

1045
00:39:26,033 --> 00:39:29,133
the unskillful use of power that parents have used

1046
00:39:29,166 --> 00:39:30,766
for many

1047
00:39:30,766 --> 00:39:31,566
many many years

1048
00:39:31,566 --> 00:39:32,666
and they've disciplined

1049
00:39:32,666 --> 00:39:35,933
in a way that builds resentment to to um

1050
00:39:35,933 --> 00:39:37,800
teenagers by using power using

1051
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,033
that's exactly right

1052
00:39:39,066 --> 00:39:41,033
using punishments and things like that

1053
00:39:41,033 --> 00:39:42,366
so using the power of

1054
00:39:42,366 --> 00:39:45,666
you can't have the iPad or you can't have the car or

1055
00:39:46,233 --> 00:39:48,233
you know I was grounded different things like that

1056
00:39:48,666 --> 00:39:51,466
and so teenagers will resent parents at that point

1057
00:39:51,466 --> 00:39:52,133
and then also

1058
00:39:52,133 --> 00:39:54,400
teenagers then have a lot of their own power

1059
00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:55,966
so they can call a friend to pick them up

1060
00:39:55,966 --> 00:39:57,133
and then they're out of there right

1061
00:39:57,133 --> 00:39:57,933
you so

1062
00:39:58,033 --> 00:40:02,000
but if we can use less power and use our influence

1063
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:05,566
more use more of that intrinsic motivation

1064
00:40:05,766 --> 00:40:08,500
then we have a beautiful

1065
00:40:09,133 --> 00:40:11,466
bunch of influence left when our kids are teenagers

1066
00:40:11,466 --> 00:40:12,366
and this is so

1067
00:40:12,366 --> 00:40:14,566
so this is a really important conversation

1068
00:40:14,566 --> 00:40:19,633
because it is very true that when you have bigger kids

1069
00:40:19,633 --> 00:40:22,233
they have bigger problems right yeah

1070
00:40:22,233 --> 00:40:24,300
it's less intensive hour to hour

1071
00:40:24,466 --> 00:40:26,933
but bigger kids have bigger problems

1072
00:40:26,933 --> 00:40:29,366
so you do want to be there and be an influence

1073
00:40:29,366 --> 00:40:31,366
in their life um

1074
00:40:32,333 --> 00:40:35,566
so but it's also it's not like it's

1075
00:40:35,566 --> 00:40:37,133
it's a the messy middle

1076
00:40:37,133 --> 00:40:39,033
like it's not like you're never gonna use power

1077
00:40:39,033 --> 00:40:43,033
like I remember holding my daughter down

1078
00:40:43,033 --> 00:40:45,166
so that I could put that car seat on her

1079
00:40:45,166 --> 00:40:48,266
you know what and or take the medicine or yeah

1080
00:40:48,266 --> 00:40:50,733
I'm sorry I have to hold you down

1081
00:40:50,733 --> 00:40:52,666
like you're screaming and your body is bucking

1082
00:40:52,666 --> 00:40:53,466
but

1083
00:40:53,766 --> 00:40:56,066
we can't drive this car unless you're in the car seat

1084
00:40:56,066 --> 00:40:56,966
and I I

1085
00:40:56,966 --> 00:40:58,666
remember reading a story of a parent

1086
00:40:58,666 --> 00:41:01,033
who was so dedicated to gentle parenting

1087
00:41:01,133 --> 00:41:02,533
that they said okay

1088
00:41:02,533 --> 00:41:04,066
you don't have to walk in the car seat

1089
00:41:04,066 --> 00:41:06,600
and the kid walked along on the like

1090
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:07,966
side of the road with one parent

1091
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:11,466
while one parent drove along slowly like

1092
00:41:11,633 --> 00:41:14,700
I'm sorry I just don't have the patience for that like

1093
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:17,033
and that's a little crazy if you ask me

1094
00:41:17,033 --> 00:41:18,566
like it's just a little crazy

1095
00:41:18,566 --> 00:41:19,833
totally agree to say that

1096
00:41:19,833 --> 00:41:21,600
and I mean I it's not sustainable

1097
00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:23,500
so that's not sustainable that you

1098
00:41:23,566 --> 00:41:25,033
they they they don't have

1099
00:41:25,033 --> 00:41:25,266
you know

1100
00:41:25,266 --> 00:41:27,833
they shouldn't necessarily really have that much power

1101
00:41:27,833 --> 00:41:29,133
right like we want to of course

1102
00:41:29,133 --> 00:41:30,966
respect our kids bodily autonomy

1103
00:41:30,966 --> 00:41:32,533
and we want to teach them all those lessons

1104
00:41:32,533 --> 00:41:35,033
and things like that but at the same time

1105
00:41:35,033 --> 00:41:35,633
like

1106
00:41:35,633 --> 00:41:39,266
when your son came on the escalator that second time

1107
00:41:39,266 --> 00:41:40,800
and and you just held him there

1108
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,766
like that was probably the right choice

1109
00:41:42,766 --> 00:41:44,166
like help him get over it

1110
00:41:44,166 --> 00:41:45,233
it's like kind of like

1111
00:41:45,766 --> 00:41:47,833
like helping them get in the pool right

1112
00:41:47,833 --> 00:41:51,600
like you're using some of your your power and your

1113
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:54,033
you know to to kind of make the like

1114
00:41:54,033 --> 00:41:56,633
let's get through this situation yeah

1115
00:41:56,766 --> 00:41:59,933
and so it's not like that's one of the

1116
00:41:59,933 --> 00:42:01,800
I think the things about that

1117
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:02,733
we have to recognize

1118
00:42:02,733 --> 00:42:05,766
is that we can use more and more skillful means

1119
00:42:05,866 --> 00:42:06,633
and we should

1120
00:42:06,633 --> 00:42:08,933
should learn like more and more skillful means

1121
00:42:08,933 --> 00:42:10,966
and like we gotta cut ourselves some slack

1122
00:42:10,966 --> 00:42:13,333
it's gonna be messy and it's gonna be like

1123
00:42:13,333 --> 00:42:14,633
there's gonna be some awkward

1124
00:42:14,633 --> 00:42:16,366
uncertain moments and you're gonna be like

1125
00:42:16,366 --> 00:42:18,166
oh I should have done this differently

1126
00:42:18,466 --> 00:42:20,266
and you might even go you know

1127
00:42:20,266 --> 00:42:21,400
say to your son hey buddy

1128
00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:23,933
you know what that time where I

1129
00:42:24,566 --> 00:42:27,300
I did this thing with the Hot Wheels in the eye

1130
00:42:27,333 --> 00:42:28,600
you know I'm sorry yeah

1131
00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:30,533
we talked about it a lot you know yeah

1132
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:32,800
you can do that right so it

1133
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:36,133
it's gonna be messy and it's not completely you know

1134
00:42:36,133 --> 00:42:38,933
I think it's dangerous to go to the extremes and say

1135
00:42:38,933 --> 00:42:39,433
it's it's I

1136
00:42:39,433 --> 00:42:41,233
you know it should always be

1137
00:42:41,533 --> 00:42:42,166
you know of course

1138
00:42:42,166 --> 00:42:43,266
like the do as I say

1139
00:42:43,266 --> 00:42:45,400
because I say it that that doesn't make any sense

1140
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:46,533
and that's unskillful

1141
00:42:46,533 --> 00:42:49,800
and that isn't doesn't teach your kids good lessons

1142
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,833
right but also the complete opposite is

1143
00:42:52,833 --> 00:42:54,533
is also unskillful right

1144
00:42:54,533 --> 00:42:55,766
so but there are

1145
00:42:55,766 --> 00:42:58,333
there's a path there's a middle path and it

1146
00:42:58,333 --> 00:43:00,700
it is a little messy but but

1147
00:43:00,866 --> 00:43:02,866
but that's where we wanna walk yeah

1148
00:43:02,866 --> 00:43:03,066
there's

1149
00:43:03,066 --> 00:43:06,366
one thing that I've Learned through this entire journey

1150
00:43:06,533 --> 00:43:08,633
is that there is always a tension

1151
00:43:08,633 --> 00:43:10,766
so if you ever find yourself thinking

1152
00:43:10,766 --> 00:43:11,066
oh no

1153
00:43:11,066 --> 00:43:14,166
it's always X you're 100% wrong yeah

1154
00:43:14,166 --> 00:43:15,066
you will you

1155
00:43:15,066 --> 00:43:16,666
you you need to find the tension

1156
00:43:16,666 --> 00:43:19,266
and you need to figure out where that

1157
00:43:19,266 --> 00:43:20,633
where that middle is

1158
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:21,833
yeah

1159
00:43:22,466 --> 00:43:24,000
absolutely yeah

1160
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:25,533
so I always like to

1161
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:27,733
finish up these conversations by asking

1162
00:43:28,333 --> 00:43:30,233
more or less the same question of everybody

1163
00:43:30,233 --> 00:43:31,733
and the question is

1164
00:43:31,733 --> 00:43:37,033
what is one guiding principle that you believe that

1165
00:43:37,533 --> 00:43:39,966
parents should hold on to as

1166
00:43:39,966 --> 00:43:43,966
as they raise their children in in our culture today

1167
00:43:45,533 --> 00:43:48,033
hmm that's a that's a

1168
00:43:48,033 --> 00:43:50,166
this is sort of a weighty question one day

1169
00:43:50,166 --> 00:43:51,033
it is it is

1170
00:43:51,033 --> 00:43:52,333
and and there's again

1171
00:43:52,333 --> 00:43:53,866
there's attention you yeah

1172
00:43:53,866 --> 00:43:57,000
there's there's a real value in like OK

1173
00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:58,166
what comes to mind right then

1174
00:43:58,166 --> 00:43:59,366
but then there's also you all

1175
00:43:59,366 --> 00:44:01,833
you also want to be deep and meaningful and

1176
00:44:01,833 --> 00:44:03,466
and all of that to I guess

1177
00:44:03,466 --> 00:44:04,766
take however much time you need

1178
00:44:04,833 --> 00:44:08,500
I think I would say to that

1179
00:44:08,533 --> 00:44:09,333
you know

1180
00:44:10,333 --> 00:44:14,166
my invitation for a principal would be

1181
00:44:14,166 --> 00:44:17,300
to invite people to slow down

1182
00:44:17,733 --> 00:44:20,666
and to give yourself some space to make

1183
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:25,466
to make choices and and give your kids space to

1184
00:44:25,466 --> 00:44:26,133
to you know

1185
00:44:26,133 --> 00:44:27,800
I think we get so sped up

1186
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:29,833
like we fill every second with like glance

1187
00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:30,066
you know

1188
00:44:30,066 --> 00:44:32,766
seeing if we've gotten a text message or whatever it is

1189
00:44:32,766 --> 00:44:33,766
and you know

1190
00:44:33,766 --> 00:44:35,733
we got all our activities and our schedules

1191
00:44:35,733 --> 00:44:37,233
and we're going so fast

1192
00:44:37,233 --> 00:44:39,200
and we're on all the teams and things like that

1193
00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:43,033
I guess I would invite people to slow down and

1194
00:44:43,033 --> 00:44:44,433
and um

1195
00:44:44,933 --> 00:44:47,466
protect childhood protect kids

1196
00:44:48,166 --> 00:44:50,833
you know ability to be bored

1197
00:44:50,833 --> 00:44:57,033
and to play freely without adults guiding them and um

1198
00:44:57,066 --> 00:45:00,633
and to just serve slow it down and protect childhood

1199
00:45:00,666 --> 00:45:01,833
and slow yourself down

1200
00:45:01,833 --> 00:45:04,133
so that you can appreciate where you are

1201
00:45:04,266 --> 00:45:05,000
big time I

1202
00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:06,400
I love that sentiment hunter

1203
00:45:06,400 --> 00:45:09,600
thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us today

1204
00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:12,233
this is Hunter Clark Fields again

1205
00:45:12,233 --> 00:45:15,400
she's the best selling author of Raising Good Humans

1206
00:45:15,400 --> 00:45:17,200
and Raising Good Humans Everyday

1207
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:18,900
the mindful Mama podcast

1208
00:45:18,933 --> 00:45:21,866
and the Mindful Parent Training

1209
00:45:22,233 --> 00:45:22,733
um

1210
00:45:22,733 --> 00:45:25,733
all of the links for those things are in the show notes

1211
00:45:25,733 --> 00:45:29,700
this has been raising men and you are a great parent

1212
00:45:38,166 --> 00:45:41,633
raising men is produced by Phil Hernandez

1213
00:45:41,866 --> 00:45:44,966
this episode was edited by Ralph Tolentino