Joe: "To be a loving person is to wrestle with a profoundly improbable idea: that
however modest our position in society might be, however much we may have been
maltreated in the past, however mesmerised we are by the deplorable behavior of
powerful individuals, however shy and frail we are, we are constantly capable
of causing other people significant hurt."
That's a Alain de Boton.
And that really struck me
because I think I'd always
given myself an out.
That.
It didn't really matter what I did.
That I was a small and insignificant person.
And as it says, 'however, mesmerized we are by the deplorable behavior of
powerful individuals', it always seemed enough to just look at someone like a
Donald Trump, and just be like, 'well, I'm nowhere near that bad, and I'm also
nowhere near that powerful, so the things that I do don't really matter.'
But as it says, ' We are constantly capable of causing
other people significant hurt.'
I'll look back and see a lot of burnt bridges
. And actually burning bridges is.
The only way I know to deal with a lot of this stuff.
And I like to think that I have gotten better in sobriety and recovery.
But I've always had an edge that's capable of hurting people.
And I guess the point of this note and why it's, why I wrote it down at the time
and why it struck me so much was this is the justification that I'd used for
my poor behavior in hurting people, that I was just a little insignificant ant.
And reflecting on it now it's partially that insignificance that
led to some of the rage that led to some of the bitterness, that
led to some of the poor behavior.
So, I guess the thing that I'm trying to find now, is some genuine humility.
And just getting myself out of the way and seeing other people, and
other people have their struggles.
And to quote Bob Dylan's grandma, that "everyone walks a hard road."
And I know I'm not going to get this right.
It's not going to be perfect.
But this quote reminds me that
I matter to maybe a handful of people, but to those people I really matter.
And I have to be really careful to try to be kind wherever I possibly can.
And it doesn't matter what's happened to me.
It doesn't matter whether I've been given a diagnosis or
I feel like I...
I've had a hard time in life.
It actually only matters how I act in the world.
That's what I'll be judged on.
And that's what I should be judged on.
I need to get my thoughts right.
And my emotions, right.
And then hopefully my actions will improve.