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NOTE
This file was generated by Descript 

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Joe: "To be a loving person is to wrestle
with a profoundly improbable idea: that

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however modest our position in society
might be, however much we may have been

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maltreated in the past, however mesmerised
we are by the deplorable behavior of

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powerful individuals, however shy and
frail we are, we are constantly capable

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of causing other people significant hurt."

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That's a Alain de Boton.

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And that really struck me

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because I think I'd always

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given myself an out.

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That.

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It didn't really matter what I did.

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That I was a small and
insignificant person.

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And as it says, 'however, mesmerized
we are by the deplorable behavior of

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powerful individuals', it always seemed
enough to just look at someone like a

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Donald Trump, and just be like, 'well,
I'm nowhere near that bad, and I'm also

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nowhere near   that powerful, so the
things that I do don't really matter.'

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But as it says, ' We are
constantly capable of causing

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other people significant hurt.'

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I'll look back and see
a lot of burnt bridges

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. 
And actually burning bridges is.

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The only way I know to deal
with a lot of this stuff.

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And I like to think that I have gotten
better in sobriety and recovery.

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But I've always had an edge
that's capable of hurting people.

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And I guess the point of this note and
why it's, why I wrote it down at the time

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and why it struck me so much was this
is the justification that I'd used for

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my poor behavior in hurting people, that
I was just a little insignificant ant.

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And reflecting on it now it's
partially that insignificance that

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led to some of the rage that led
to some of the bitterness, that

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led to some of the poor behavior.

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So, I guess the thing that I'm trying
to find now, is some genuine humility.

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And just getting myself out of the
way and seeing other people, and

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other people have their struggles.

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And to quote Bob Dylan's grandma,
that "everyone walks a hard road."

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And I know I'm not
going to get this right.

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It's not going to be perfect.

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But this quote reminds me that

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I matter to maybe a handful of people,
but to those people I really matter.

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And I have to be really careful to try
to be kind wherever I possibly can.

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And it doesn't matter
what's happened to me.

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It doesn't matter whether
I've been given a diagnosis or

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I feel like I...

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I've had a hard time in life.

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It actually only matters
how I act in the world.

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That's what I'll be judged on.

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And that's what I should be judged on.

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I need to get my thoughts right.

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And my emotions, right.

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And then hopefully my
actions will improve.